#this is the reason I've been really not here except for recently haha (this and school at the start of december at least lmao)

[m0nnypie]

01. [PROLOGUE]

✿ warnings. to all the boys I've loved before!Au, quirkless!reader, teacher!reader, aged up characters, all the boys are pro-hero (including Deku).

✿ synopsis. Your childhood letters, the ones in which you declare your love for every crush you had, ended up being sent without your permission. What could come of that?

✿ words account. 1.2k

MASTERLIST

You remember the last time your life was really in turmoil, you were only 15. And you were just some random person in the middle of a villain attack, who was saved by a bunch of teenagers in training. You certainly thanked most of them, except for that stupid blond guy you don't even like to mention by name.

But why reminisce about the past? Especially if your present was everything you wanted it to be. It wasn't news to many that people without a quirk rarely got on in the world. Especially considering that they were in the minority.

You didn't care either way, you didn't have extreme dreams for a normal person like you. You just wanted to be a teacher, and it's not as if it wasn't an important profession. It's thanks to people like you that people like the pro-heros are who they are today.

You loved how peaceful your life had become once you became a teacher. Well, more or less peaceful, I mean, a lot of the time your pupils were a bunch of jerks. But you loved them, until now.

You were already late, something that never happened. And to make matters worse, the road you took to school was in the throes of a villain attack. How wonderful. You needed to get out of there as quickly as possible.

And before you could even think about getting out of there, a piece of debris made by the fights started hurtling towards you. You were very lucky. But of course you don't have to worry, do you? The wonderful and amazing Dynamight was there to save the day! How wonderful.

"HEY YOU EXTRA! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING! CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT?!!!!"

You just wanted to roll your eyes at his every word. Honestly, you'd rather have been hit than even have to look that blond bastard in the face. But before you could tell him to fuck off, your eyes hit the person next to him.

"Kac-Dynamight! You can't treat civilians like that!" Those green eyes looked straight at you. "Are you all right? Where are you going? I can take you close to make sure it's safe."

He smiled at you. An adorable smile, but one you wanted to hate with all your heart. You simply didn't say anything to either of them, and began to withdraw from their presence. As you walked away, you could see the green-haired man stopping the blond from probably talking some shit that would ultimately backfire on him.

After you've finally arrived at school, and get a little scolding from the principal. You walked happily to your classroom, completely forgetting recent events.

As soon as you entered the classroom, you were greeted by your little henchmen, whom you called students. You wondered how 7-year-olds could make such a fuss at 8 in the morning.

"TEACHER! TEACHER! WHY ARE YOU LATE?" Many asked at once, and you wanted to simply ignore each question and tell them to be quiet and go sit down. But you couldn't do that, could it? How sad.

"Please be quiet!" You tried to calm the adorable little pests. "I'll only speak as soon as everyone is quiet!!!"

At that moment everyone was quiet, and you finally explained the reason for your delay. Killing the curiosity of some, but piquing the curiosity of others, who wanted to know more about the hero Dynamight and Deku.

"Were they handsome?" "Did you talk to them?" "Were they like princes?" "I wanted to marry them so badly." Silly questions from children, you know?

How you wanted to tell them to their faces how unbearable each of those stupid heroes were. But you couldn't, haha. So you just gave a fond smile and said.

"Oh yes! They're great heroes! If it weren't for them, I wouldn't even be here right now!" All your students seemed impressed and fascinated that you had come into contact with the heroes they tried to love.

"Right, kids! Now let's get to class! No more talking!" They all exclaimed sadly.

"Today's activity... is to write a letter to someone you love!" In the background, you could hear several boys and girls saying "ew", while some even seemed excited about the idea.

"But teacher! I don't know how to write a love letter!" You laughed, reaching into your bag for something.

"That's why I brought examples for you to see!" You showed them letters that were at least a few years old. "These are some I made back in my teenager days! It's not much today! But back then they were everything to me"

"Why didn't you hand them in, teacher?"

"I don't know. I guess I didn't like them enough."

"Or was it that they didn't like you, teacher?" You hated the sincerity of children.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful, everyone got to write their letters. Some wrote to their parents, some even to you! You loved your students too much!

All this letter business reminded you that you really should get rid of all those old letters. That would certainly be the first thing you did as soon as you got home.

After almost dying when you got home, you wanted to just throw yourself on the bed and forget all about today. But then you remembered the letters, and how you wanted to just set fire to them.

As soon as you went to look in your bag, you didn't find anything at first. It seemed strange, but you thought it might be at the bottom, or in the middle of a folder.

But after turning that bag upside down, none of your letters were there. None of them.

"Damn it! Shit! Where is it? Where is it?"

Desperation began to hit you. What if someone from school found and read everything you wrote when you were only 15 years old? Until a memory popped into your head.

Flashback on -

"Teacher!" Kenji, one of your students raised his hand.

"Yes, Kenji?" He looked at you with a smile, a smile you hated because you knew your own students so well.

"Why don't you send the letters you made years ago now?" He said almost innocently. Almost.

"Oh... because it's been a long time!" You said with a strange laugh.

"I could give them, teacher! Me and Kaito! We know how to get the letters to them!" He said, excitedly....

"Honey, don't make this stuff up! This is all in the past!"

"Then why do you still have it? If it was in the past you could have thrown it away." Sometimes you hated being a teacher of seven-year-olds.

"You're just going to do your activity, right? Forget it!"

"Right, teacher! I'll forget it."

Well, that's what you thought. That he would forget about it, but life has a strange way of messing up your life, doesn't it?

Flashback off -

"Fuck. Shit."

You realize what a fuck-up you've made by trusting your own students, how could you trust those little henchmen?

And worse. What would happen to the letters? What if they read them? What if they thought you were crazy and came to make amends? You certainly know exactly who in those four letters would do that.

But this was no time to freak out, you needed to calm down.

"SHIT!" Right. You were freaking out.

Tag List. @erisawrites @homeless-clown @mtsyik @kryscent @ita606 @babylambdietcoke

[rei-ismyname]

X-Men #11 Review

To be honest, this one was underwhelming. There's always something worthy of commentary, it just feels like not much happens and it doesn't quite feel like a full issue - perhaps because it bucks the Marvel formula of the three Cs - conflict, choice, and conclusion.

Stuff certainly happens but nothing that couldn't be summed up in a few sentences at the start of next issue. The last three issues have all had high stakes, for better or worse, and without room to breathe tension burns out.

The Raid on Graymalkin is over but not much has changed, Agent Fucko and the O*N*E have stood down, and everyone is moving on. I didn't expect to see a discussion about recent events but I really want one. Serious shit has gone down very recently and all these people should have opinions on that. The X-Men are used to constant drama but still ... it feels like those events didn't matter and the characters feel thinner for it. It's said that the O*N*E visit was 'earlier' yet Beast is standing and relaxed despite being beaten badly. Maybe Xorn is that good a healer.

After a cold open on some kind of space bullshit crashing nearby, we cut to Beast and Jen Starkey running some tests on her mutation. They're on an awkward first name basis after she reminds him but they're getting along well enough. Hank theorises that she's a metamorph of some kind and tests that hypothesis. Flying seems like a risky place to start but I'm not a scientist. Fortunately he's right and she's not a reality warper or something - she grows wings and assumes avian features. Cool. We move on from them as the plot is happening to other people. Nice to see you both, say hi to Magneto for me.

Whatever crashed is making a beeline for Merle, and Scott feels the O*N*E visit has already disrupted the town enough for one day. If it wasn't coming for them he says it would be none of their business, which is understandable. The X-Men have so many red alert crises and threats coming for them that they couldn't operate as traditional superheroes even if they wanted to. I think that might be this book's identity - Cyclops and friends playing whack-a-mole with endless mutant problems. Although, in other books they're expanding the scope. They're fighting one of Cyttorak's kids right now in Amazing Spider-Man, they've agreed to be on call to the Avengers and have an alliance of sorts; though when all the heroes gather for One World Under DOOM the only mutant present is Storm. Maybe they're in space due to this issue, but the degree of connectivity feels inconsistent. That's often been a thing with X-books, except it's been explicitly set up in Avengers so I don't know what to think.

The banter is cute and the ad hoc points system adorable, but it's mood whiplash considering there's been no time skip since the last 3 intense issues. Maybe I'm nitpicking. I've certainly been known to. People who aren't able to decompress after high stress situations often turn to humour to cope. Something I find myself saying with this book a lot is 'I guess we'll see if it's followed up on.' Given the amount of dangling plot threads and character beats I can't help but feel that the book doesn't deserve that grace. I'll come back to that.

Moving on, Scott needs to be captured by alien bounty hunters and this is how it happens. The visitor from space is Scott's deadbeat dad, Corsair. He's here to warn him that he's got a huge battalion after him, but he really doesn't prioritise it. They greet warmly but Scott is suspicious of his motives, an attitude he had in Phoenix but one that's at odds with other recent history. Whatever - Corsair sucks and he deserves to get called out.

Haha! Krakoa callbacks have been pretty inconsistent, but this is definitely a fun one to dredge up. The Starjammers did abandon the New Mutants to Shi'Ar prison for petty reasons and Magik remembers. She interrupts Scott's interrogation and punches the old geezer in the face. Good for her. Space jail sucks and that's dry snitching.

It's interrupted by Beast detecting even more space bullshit with his instruments. A space whale carrying a whole bunch of aliens is rolling up. So that's what the situation is, thanks Corsair.

'For you. They're here for you.' Not hard.

Err, you didn't really say that, Corsair. Sure, you used that word, but there was no sense of urgency when you could have just said 'aliens are coming to get you, Scott Summers, very soon. It's an emergency.' Even after getting angry he talks about himself and deflects. Just fucking tell them what's happening dude. 'They' is vague and you basically wasted your time. He's not even finished blundering.

The X-Men leap into action with Scott assuming the bounty hunters are here for Corsair - a VERY reasonable assumption. That they're actually here for Scott is very strange. I think Scott taking the situation at face value would be correct 99% of the time - Corsair is a dodgy space pirate who's always being chased by bounty hunters whereas Scott is a Shi'Ar ally and on decent terms with the Kree-Skrull empire. As Corsair admits, he has a 2.5 million credit bounty on his head. No idea what the exchange rate is but it sounds like a lot. I wonder if they're still using Mysterium as a currency and store of value.

There's been some big changes in galactic politics recently in response to Jean and Phoenix cruising around. Gladiator freaked out about it and long story short the Galactic Council put Thanos in charge. They shouldn't be able to do that but mind control is probably involved. Hulkling, Wiccan, or Xandra have been strangely absent. Anyway, failing to get across that they're after Scott is such a blunder I have to wonder if it's not a betrayal. Corsair is an idiot, but that makes this an idiot plot. His and Scott's argument ends up being a pointless waste of time - just taking up page space.

Temper scorches the poor whale, lucky it's lobotomized. The X-Men come through a portal onto the whale ship and raise hell. It's always nice to see how effectively the team work together, though we've just had an event full of pointless violence. Scott thinks he's rescuing his dad but he's really charging into a trap. Corsair eventually convinces Quentin to let him into the telepathic group chat and HE STILL YAPS ABOUT IRRELEVANT INFORMATION. Fuck, just tell him they're here for him; Scott doesn't need to know about the economics of interstellar travel right now.

'I came to warn you, son. I'll do so after including as much extraneous information as possible.' Corsair manages to spit it out only after Scott has already realised something is up. The bounty hunters are wearing Ruby Quartz armor (which is pretty cool) and they've got Cyclops surrounded. Seems like Magik could get him out of there pretty easily, or Scott could blow a hole in the floor. Juggernaut, famously, can't be stopped - surely he can take out these chumps.

Only now do we get 'they're after you.' Three words that he could have said at any time, or even thought it at either of the two telepaths present. He even has a ship-to-speeder communicator that he could have used to get to the point. It's necessary to have characters make mistakes and have errors in communication. It's a reliable and relatable source of drama. Filling half the issue with Corsair dropping out of the sky and saying plenty of words that don't advance the plot or characters in a believable way feels like pointless filler. Corsair has had more dialogue than Glob, Xorn, and Ben Liu - all ongoing characters - and all of it served no purpose. You could remove him from this issue without affecting anything. As I said in the intro, stuff happens, but nothing that couldn't be summed up in a few sentences for the next issue.

Now that Corsair has said what he came to say he's wallpaper. Good. Idie and Quentin are looking to support their teammates when fucking Alpha Flight arrive to help (I think?) A Beaubier-less Alpha Flight is not particularly interesting to me, but I like most of them. They all got imprisoned by ORCHIS during Fall of X for supporting mutants. Definitely cool behaviour, and Puck is generally rad (not sure if he's here) but I there's one member who can go fuck himself.

James MacDonald Hudson is the worst. He's ostensibly a hero but he does a lot of reactionary bootlicking. He briefly joined ORCHIS out of fear of mutants but got cold feet when Australia was nearly destroyed. I'll rant about him another time, but woo - Alpha Flight are here to support the X-Men. Maybe the space bullshit will only take up one more issue. It ends there, so we'll find out next time.

Around issue #5 of this run I stated that I was starting to notice the narrative formula. Each issue will focus on a handful of characters while introducing some new crisis, the rest of the team will get a few panels at best, there'll be some action squeezed in somewhere and then it'll end on a cliffhanger. The cumulative effect is that the plot is glacially slow, the characters have one or two defining traits/issues, and most plot points dangle as crisis after crisis gets piled on.

Even the plot points that have been revisited haven't been resolved in any way, like Graymalkin or the ongoing O*N*E cold war. Here's a list of the dangling plot threads and character beats I could think of without rereading.

- 3K and the adult mutants

- Cassandra Nova

- R-LDS

- The Upstarts

- Graymalkin prison

- The O*N*E

- Scott's anxiety attack

- Piper Cobb

- Magik's chess game

- Idie's problems with authority and teamwork

- Magneto. Just Magneto. He's there but has little to say

- The Phoenix

- Beef with Rogue

- King Bedlam's price

Any one of these things would usually be a priority to deal with or at least discuss. I feel like it devalues their importance to just introduce a new problem almost every issue and it makes it harder to get invested in events as they unfold. This issue, for instance - I suspect it'll be resolved next issue and not spoken about again. Or, it will be a drawn out space adventure like the old days and all the Earthly problems will be put on the backburner. Either way it's a problem caused by frontloading all these crises and continually stacking them on top of one another.

There are moments of solid execution and meaningful character work, but when everything is a crisis nothing is. X-Men #11 looks pretty good, as usual, but it's entirely skippable. If you are a big Corsair fan and want 10 pages of him failing a simple task then this book is for you, but if not you can get everything you need from the intro blurb next issue.

[cosmicjoke]

Hi, Cosmic! I was considering this scene from a Levi story on AO3 which I had read a while ago, where it described his life in the Underground before he met Furlan (maybe it was one of yours, I'm not certain). It talked of how he would often go days without speaking at all, and ultimately delved into his loneliness and how he hadn't realized how alone he'd been until he wasn't. I had also read recently an analysis stating that Levi's attachment style would be fearful-avoidant due to how he grew up, which, I mean, makes perfect sense.

Thus the combination made me wonder: How do you think Levi felt when he and Furlan moved in together? Did it trigger his abandonment issues in any way, letting Furlan in emotionally when his last relationship (that we know of) was with Kenny? Given the concept of attachment styles, Levi was probably both distant and reliant with him, so how do you think Furlan reacted to this?

Hmm, that could have been one of my stories, haha, I've definitely written a few stories (all of which remain incomplete, lol) about Levi's life Underground. I feel like it's a period in Levi's life that's just ripe for exploration, but very few people seem particularly interested in writing about it, for whatever reason.

I know I do explore that idea in "This Life, After", of Levi being sort of functionally mute because he gets so little social interaction, and I think that's a pretty fair assumption to make about him growing up, especially after Kenny left him. As far as we know, Levi didn't have a single friend until he met Furlan, and we know, from the extra stories included in the "No Regrets" manga that Levi met Furlan when he was essentially full grown. I've talked before also, pretty extensively, about how it seems very likely that Levi had no social interaction with other children growing up, even when living with his mother. I don't know if you've read my analysis posts on this, but I'll link you to them here:

Anyway, I'm not a psychologist, so I can't really speak to what specific attachment style Levi may or may not have. In truth, nobody, even an accredited and practicing psychologist could definitively diagnose Levi with any, specific mental disorder or condition, because of course he's a fictional character, lol. But I don't think you need to be a psychologist to make accurate or educated guesses about what sort of mental health issues Levi might be suffering from. For example, I think it's fairly obvious that Levi is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, because it would seem to me nearly impossible for him not to have been deeply traumatized by the experiences, not only in his childhood, but as an adult too, and I say that because of Levi's obvious emotional sensitivity. He feels things very keenly and I think more deeply than any other character in the series. That well of emotional depth, along with his immense empathic nature I think renders Levi more susceptible to emotional pain, and more easily given to grief over the loss of his comrades/friends/family than even an average person. I just think Levi feels things more deeply than is common. I think that's also what gives Levi his exceptional emotional intelligence, his ability to accurately read people and understand who they are at their cores.

To get to your specific question, it's an interesting one.

Levi is definitely someone who I think is fearful of getting close to others out of a fear of losing them, knowing the pain it causes him when he, seemingly inevitably, does. No doubt that finds its roots in Levi's earliest childhood experiences. People often talk about Kenny's abandonment of Levi (with good reason), but I rarely see it talked about how Levi's mother, in a sense, also abandoned him. Not intentionally, the way Kenny did, but the fact remains, Levi's mother died and left him alone, which very nearly led to Levi's own death. I think that absolutely must have had an impact on Levi and caused an expectation in him from very early on of abandonment. Levi couldn't have been more than five years old when his mother died, and those are obviously very important developmental years for a child. You add to that Kenny's abandonment, and it seems pretty likely to me that, yes, Levi has a fear of abandonment by the people he loves.

What's interesting about Levi, though, is that even with this fear, and even in his efforts to keep his distance from people in order to spare himself the emotional and mental distress of losing them, I think Levi's higher level of empathy and compassion renders him incapable of escaping that emotional pain, even when he doesn't know a person well, even when he's intentionally kept away from them. I've spoken numerous times of how Levi shows the same level of care and concern, and makes just as much of an effort to save the lives of people he doesn't know or doesn't know well as the ones he does know well and is close to. He even extends that same level of care and concern toward people who have been actively hostile toward him, such as the merchants in Trost who badger and bully him over the failures of the Survey Corps, to the point of even personally insulting him, or in "No Regrets", we see Levi go out of his way to save the lives of soldiers who have both endangered his own and actively mistreated and been cruel to him. We see Levi do this with Dieter, during the Female Titan arc. Despite Dieter's cruelty toward Levi, calling him a heartless monster, Levi gives him Petra's badge and tells him it was Ivan's. He gives up his own comfort to someone who's been nothing but hostile toward him, and who would have rightly been in for a scolding and even punishment for endangering the lives of the unit. But instead of being unkind in return, Levi shows Dieter nothing but compassion.

All this to say, I think even when Levi isn't emotionally or personally close to people, he still feels the weight of their loss as if he were, and he still empathizes with and understands their emotions and thought process as if he were. There's a part in "No Regrets" in which Furlan laments that they had better hurry up and complete their mission to get the documents from Erwin before Levi and Isabel start genuinely considering "dedicating their hearts" to the Survey Corps. I've talked about how this clearly indicates that Furlan is aware of Levi's tendency to get attached to people, even when he's actively trying not to. Levi, for example, doesn't want to teach his combat techniques to any of the other SC soldiers because he knows if he does and then they end up getting killed, he'll hold himself responsible for it. Again, this is indicative of Levi's tendency to become emotionally attached and involved with people, even those he doesn't know well, to the point he would feel responsible for their lives, and responsible for protecting those lives, even when, again, he doesn't know them well, and even when he hasn't been treated particularly well by them. We have to remember, upon entering the SC, none of the other soldiers showed any particular friendliness toward Levi, outside of Hange. He was even faced with pretty blatant classism from some of them, and plain resentment. But he still knew himself well enough to know that he was already beginning to feel responsible for their lives. Even with being treated as an outsider by them, he still isn't able to keep himself detached from them. We see this play out too, in the story's climax, when Levi makes his choice to go after Erwin alone. He makes the choice with full consideration of what he thinks will be best, not just for Furlan and Isabel, but for Flagon and the rest of their squad. He's equally concerned for their well being, and determines that all of them will have a better chance of survival if Furlan and Isabel stays with them. Again, Flagon has been nothing but hostile toward Levi through the entire story, but he still cares about Flagon's life.

So basically, to get to your specific question, lol, I think Levi likely became very attached to Furlan fairly quickly. There's even a similarity to Levi's relationship with Furlan and what I laid out above, in terms of how Levi even cares about people who have been unkind to him. We know from one of the extra stories that Furlan first met Levi by attempting to entrap him and force him through physical assault to join his gang. So Furlan's first interaction with Levi was one of deception and an attempt to use him against his will. We learn later from a conversation Levi is having with another scout that Levi saved his life from his own gang, when they eventually turned on him. This is consistent with how we see Levi make just as much effort to help and show just as much concern for the lives of people who have previously been unkind to him in some way or even attempted to hurt him in some way. Levi saves Furlan's life, despite Furlan trying to deceive Levi and force him into a situation against his will.

So I imagine, once Levi became actual friends with Furlan, and moved in with him, at that point, I imagine the bond between them was incredibly deep and unbreakable. I think over time Furlan would have begun to recognize that Levi's aloof demeanor and lack of expression wasn't at all indicative of the actual depth of attachment and care he felt toward Furlan himself. I always say that I think Levi's relationship with both Furlan and Isabel was more than simple friendship. I think Levi viewed the both of them as his family, and objectively speaking, I think he was probably closer to the two of them than anyone else in his life. Part of that, I think, would come from the fact they were his first, actual friends, and also because they were the only people Levi ever knew and was close to who were from the same world he was. I think Levi likely was fearful at first when he first moved in with Furlan that he might lose him in some way, that Furlan might leave him, or be killed, etc... But I also think it's a testament to Levi's resilience and open heart that, despite having already been abandoned by the two most important people in his life up to that point, he still allowed this new person into his life and allowed himself to grow deeply close to him. I think, also, that's a product of, again, Levi's inability to close his heart off to people, due to his immense empathy. Even though Levi is afraid of losing people and wants to shield himself against the pain of that, he continually fails at remaining detached, because he just naturally cares too much about other people to ever, truly separate himself from them or freeze them out. He's never been able to not care. I think Furlan probably understood that pretty quickly about Levi, and as I already said, he probably understood that Levi's aloof demeanor and seeming distance didn't actually mean he didn't care. I think Furlan understood that Levi would protect him no matter what and would always stay by his side. Isayama even said Levi is extremely loyal. He isn't ever going to abandon anyone himself. So basically, I think Furlan understood Levi, after a time, and would have recognized that Levi's appearance of apathy in truth was just his way of dealing with the fact he actually feels and cares more deeply than anyone. He only keeps his emotions held inside so he can remain reliable to himself and others, because if he allowed himself to fully feel what he was actually feeling in any, given moment, it would be overwhelming. People that know Levi truly know this about him. And so Furlan definitely would have realized that.

Anyway, I hope that answers your question, lol. That got WAY too long. I can never seem to keep my answers short.

[theresa-of-liechtenstein]

art by em year in review 2024!

i find myself surprised i drew much at all this year considering the circumstances (completing a bachelor's degree. concerts. international trip. starting a phd. general state of world.) however, for the fifth time i am happy to present my yearly retrospective.

as always, reflections under the cut.

jan: i feel like my weakest pieces always happen in january 😭 this was definitely one of those where concept > execution; some of this feels woefully flat and i wasn't too enthused about how herc looked. oh well. that was literally one of the only things i drew in january

feb: one of the developments that came about this year in my drawing was that of my cartoon/comic style, because i wanted to have a record of all the funny shit that happens in my music life. i've continually been surprised at the reception of it online haha. tita conductor is OUR internet microcelebrity now i guess

mar: ah, the douglas seventh wheels the hercolyn wedding fic i've been saying i'd write for almost two years. well, that actually got written and will go up later this week. but anyway, Hurt That Old Man!

apr: in which some professor of media studies with a slide whistle chose to examine a 160-year-old novel through the lens of an intergenerational relationship, and i took it personally. i was not drawing a lot during this time, so i was naturally falling back on my favorite subjects, namely. herc and linda. so much for branching out this year LMAO

may: a pen test for my graduation gift to tita conductor (finished version here, which she loved so much she couldn't stop talking about it when we next saw each other in september). someone once said to me 'it's weird that you can draw her from memory.' i replied 'looking at her is kind of part of the job description.'

jun: drawing theresa is probably one of the ways through which i measure my art progress, given that out of all the character designs i have (bar one, which i don't share on this blog for Reasons) hers is the one that has stuck around the most persistently. the grey is here to stay‼️

jul: i drew this one while having stomach problems in the philippines 😭 but something about the philippines (and like. being around people of my ethnic background on a daily basis) made me think a lot about my character designs for the soft-shoe-shuffle trio, so i wanted to do something with them a bit

aug: for all i talk about martin i sure never draw him, ever 😂 it's probably not obvious, but i was trying painting an base layer rather than an overlay (which i've been using pretty consistently since last year). in the future, i want to experiment more with coloring: i think i've not been eager to touch that part in my art and that needs to change. also pour one out for what i almost captioned it:

if i got onto a plane and i saw a twink in that mfing pilot seat i'm jumping off 😐🤚🏻‼️

sept: the piece that got the most attention this year i think. i'm not sure how well it came across that douglas is supposed to be ever so slightly horny in this one. oh well. it was funny.

oct: i think it was this piece that made me start to realize that i have kind of developed a problem with making everyone's faces super long. which. i don't really know how that happened. anyway this is really cute still. read the theresa-becomes-a-pilot fic.

nov: omg guys remember when i was obsessed with the theresa-maxi dynamic. well it came back for a blazing second of glory in november. maybe it'll come back to me again for good. we'll see

dec: again, familiar subjects during a tumultuous time. not much of note here, except i have noticed myself getting very lazy with lighting recently. also i wrote a fic about this.

overall: going into the new year, i think the whole 'making everyone's faces look super long' thing needs to be addressed; otherwise, as stated earlier, i really should start experimenting with coloring and base layers and shading and lighting.

thank you everyone! and a happy new year to all!

[spockandawe]

Hello! I've been thinking about binding some danmei novels in my native language, but I don't know where to start. I found your blog recently and find it very inspiring! I was wondering if maybe you could share with me what tools and materials would be good to get started with?

Sure!!!! So, I'm on mobile and don't have links at hand, but if you go back through my bookbinding tag, there are other replies I've got about the materials for making a book specifically. The renegade publishing blog also has resource documents that walk through the bookbinding process and include links to educational materials, etc. So for here, I'll focus on the danmei side of things!

So, a fun feature about these books is that they tend to run LONG. I've seen a number of people try to take up bookbinding in google docs, and honestly, it's doing things on hard mode. For many danmei, it's basically impossible. I think my EARLIEST earliest attempt at svsss began in gdocs, and that's not a super long novel, but gdocs was choking on it. A word processor on your desktop is going to be your best bet. Personally, i invested in a microsoft office license, because it was familiar and i could afford it. But the free parallel to that will be libre office, which does basically everything word can do, with just minor differences.

On the fancy end of bookbinding software, affinity, indesign, and microsoft publisher are also names you may hear tossed around. These can do fancier, more artistic layouts, but also come with a heavier price tag. And because i had webnovels on my radar from the start, i wanted something ROBUST. I wanted to be able to dump all of the husky and his white cat shizun into a single file and work from it. And i did eventually do that! Being able to typeset a single file rather than repeat each step across several is great, especially since i tend to tweak design choices as i go.

For danmei, you're also going to want a robust printer. I have a color laser that's been an absolute beast of a machine, but a black and white laser can get you a long ways, and monochrome designs can be very elegant. You don't want an HP brand printer, their toner subscription practices are downright predatory, but Brother and Canon are names I've seen recommended highly. You probably don't want an inkjet printer, because long books take a LOT of ink. The one exception would be if you can find an affordable ink tank printer.

And the last major thing i can think of is that if your main computer is a laptop, consider typesetting with an external mouse and keyboard! Danmei novels are split into lots of short chapters, frequently split across just as many web pages, with lots of footnotes to format, and laptops are convenient but not ergonomic. Doing too much on there is just asking for a repetitive strain injury. I've done it, but often paid for my sins in pain! And your laptop keyboard may start complaining too, I'm almost certain my first typeset of mdzs was the nail in the coffin for my last laptop's keyboard, haha

I hope that helps! Best of luck to you! Ive found binding cnovels to be EXTREMELY rewarding, even though my original reason was because these things would NEVER be licensed in english 😂 I'm delighted to see people experimenting with it for other translations in other languages, I really hope it goes well for you!!!!

[asexual-society]

Just looking for some advice about how to tell my best friend I’m aroace. I was trying to find a way to ask other people in the community and found this blog so I hope it’s okay to ask. I do apologise if it’s not.

About three years ago, I tried telling her. I hinted at it, but in the end, I was too scared to actually tell her. I have two other really close friends that know, but one of them figured out I was ace before I did haha. They’re both very understanding of me due to their respective identities.

Recently, it’s been eating at me more and more. I write fanfiction and have been really wanting to explore aroace characters. We are actually co-writing a fic now and she’s one of my beta readers too. One of the characters I write the most about gives me major aroace vibes and I want to write about it and discuss with readers about it. The problem is that she reads my stuff. She’s supportive like that.

I’m just scared about her reaction is all. I don’t particularly care about what my family thinks because I have no intention of telling them. Not out of fear or anything, but for other reasons that don’t really matter at this point in my life. It’s my best mate I’m worried about :/ I don’t want her perception of me to be changed nor do I want her to start saying things like “you haven’t met the right person” or whatever.

This was long. I’m sorry 😭 I kept it anonymous because even though she doesn’t have tumblr, she knows my account and I’d rather not risk her seeing this :)

Hey Anon, I'm not gonna lie, I hate coming out. I've been putting off coming out to some people closest to me for so many years. But on the other hand! I totally understand having a hard time ripping the plaster off, and the feeling of it eating at you, so I can give you a couple of low-confrontation methods that might work in a pinch, and a couple of slightly scarier options and how to deal with them in case you're feeling brave?

You said she knows your blog but doesn't have tumblr, so you could try posting more about aroace stuff on here, or put it in your bio. That way, since she doesn't follow you, the chances of her seeing it are low enough that you have plausible deniability that you didn't think she would see it, and if she does, you were Definitely just about to tell her. Effectiveness: 3/10, she might not see it, in which case you'll be worrying about it for nothing.

A similar vibe of coming out is letting someone else do it for you. This only works if you have mutual friends, either online or irl. You don't have to be there when it happens, but I find it's less unpleasant if you are; finding out someone has outed you after the fact is for sure worse, even if you intended it to happen, but someone else offhandedly bringing it up takes the power out of your hands, which is scary in a different way, but it can technically work. Effectiveness: 5/10, it'll do, but it will not feel good. Requires mutual friends. If one of your friends is a loudmouth with no filter it might even happen organically at some point, but you can't count on it, so if you are there (even just in groupchat form) being able to steer the conversation in that direction might give you the small push you need to say it yourself, since it's way harder to just bring it up out of the blue by yourself, and also having another already supportive person present who has your back always helps. Effectiveness: 8/10, getting onto the topic might be hard, but having moral support is good. Requires mutual friends.

Similarly, you could engineer a situation where you're coming out to her and one other person who you know will be supportive (or you're already out to, if you're okay with a little deception) at the same time. She can't say anything shitty if there's someone else already there being cool about it. You don't even have to be coming out to the other person, you can just mention it while they're there (so it works the same as the above, except a little more intentional). Effectiveness: 8/10, points deducted for deception, but if it gets the job done, does it matter? Requires mutual friends.

Bargaining. Set yourself a deadline and have people to hold you accountable to do it. Effectiveness: 3/10, absolutely would not work on me, will probably not feel good, could be the kick you need to do it but only if your brain works that way.

Come out to someone else first and use the momentum to tell her right after. Works best if the first person you tell isn't close enough to you that it'll be really bad if they suck about it, but if they do suck, you can use that as a jumping off point to tell your friend (e.g. I told someone I was aroace and they said XYZ shitty thing), and you can sneak in an example of something that was hurtful that your friend will know to avoid saying. And if they don't suck about it (fingers crossed!), it could give you the confidence and boost you need to tell your friend. Effectiveness 6/10, requires you to come out twice as many times. You may be able to substitute in someone else being aphobic but not directly to you as a jumping off point instead.

You could try testing the waters by mentioning that you headcanon the character as aroace and seeing her reaction, if you haven't already, and then you can say "I sort of relate to them actually" and see where that gets you? Effectiveness: 5/10, high chance of backing out at the last minute, high uncertainty means this might be the scariest option.

If you have ways of making yourself do scary things already, do as many of those as you can, but if not, I can tell you that when I want to do something I'm low key terrified of but I know will help me in the long run, I write myself a letter to open as far in the future as I feel like (there are websites you can use for this), and I tell me-of-the-future about what I want to do and that I'm scared about it, and then I imagine them reading it and imagine how it'll be by then if I haven't done it yet, and how much better it'll be for them if I do.

Sometimes it's really hard to do things for ourselves, but imagining you're doing them for you-of-the-future gives yourself enough distance that you can convince yourself that you're actually doing it for someone else. It might also help to imagine that you of the future will be proud of you for doing it, and this is a pretty instantaneous reward situation, because you get the little kick of someone being proud of you before you do it just for deciding to do it, and then as soon as you've done it you get to be proud of yourself. Effectiveness: 8/10, high risk-high reward, will feel really good if you do it, but you have to do it.

If you're still worried about her saying specific unsupportive things, coming up with a few good responses to the most likely ones that you can use in the moment without even thinking can take some of the power away from her (or anyone else) saying them. If your friend is only attracted to one gender you can use the "how do you know you just haven't met the right [person of gender she isn't into]?" or "it hurts me that you think I don't know myself well enough/that you don't trust me to know this about myself". If someone you come out to isn't supportive you are legally allowed to be petty or guilt trip them, if they know you're not just gonna back down when they try to disagree with you, it shows you're serious, even/especially if you wouldn't normally go on the offensive like that. Effectiveness: ?/10, depends on your personality and how assertive you are, and can be difficult if you're worried about confrontation with your best friend, but it could just be what needs to be done, and is likely but not certain to get your point across.

I'm not saying all of these are good methods, but they are definitely methods that you could use. And hey, if you do it, let us know how you did it and how it went!

Best of luck, I hope you figure it out <3

~mod key

[bunglegaydogs]

Dazai's relationship with pain.

it's another Dazai rant, what the fuck did you expect

Anyways, I've always thought about this and I've been thinking about it a lot more as of recently. This one I can definitely relate to, me and pain also have a bit of a weird relationship lmao.

(Spoilers for Ch. 107, 55 Minutes, The Time I picked Up Dazai, basically just don't read if you haven't like read any of the novels or the manga or any extra content :) )

Firstly, I just wanna talk about his obvious dislike for pain (valid) and the fact that he has verbally stated on multiple occassions how much he really really does not like feeling pain, and there's such a heavy thing on how he wants a quick, easy and painless death.

It's just common knowledge that he has a strong distaste for pain, as he's announced many a time.

But what really gets me is his reactions to it.

He has none.

When Dazai is experiencing pain, he shows absolutely little to no reaction, except when it is shown for comedic relief, like during the Cannibalism Arc when they're in the back of the truck and he's like "Owowowowow don't move around so much, I'm wounded" to Atsushi and Akutaguwa. Or during season 1 when he's in the oil drum, despite him saying "I'm not at all interested in pain and suffering." "This is more a method of torture." and how much it hurts. But other times, he just has no reaction. Monotonous. Stone faced. There are certainly times when he does show how much pain he's in for very valid reason. When Fyodor gets the sniper on him, you can clearly see he's in pain. In the Azure Messenger episode whilst he's being fucking strangled against the window, we obviously see him in pain here. There are so many instances of this. But it also always just seems a bit... underexaggerated. In 55 Minutes, he gets stabbed, and whilst anyone would be like "fuck, this hurts, I've been stabbed through the chest clean through" he was smiling because he was happy, despite him not liking pain. Like??? I can't be the only one who finds it all sus can I? He literally has the most calm reactions to pain ever. In Ch. 107, he's grimacing a bit and is cracking jokes after HE JUST FELL IN A FUCKING ELEVATOR AND BROKE HIS FOOT LIKE HELLO?

The only thing I will say about this is that he looks away and clenches his jaw (I'm guessing that's what the 'clench' means, not his foot) when like assessing whether his foot is broken or not. But, not going to lie, I think that's the most emotion we've seen from him when he's in pain. In Dead Apple, he gets stabbed, and is like "haha sweet I'm dying" (common occurence fr). This is probably just a deluded and sleep-deprived rant but I can't keep this shit in any longer, it's baffling.

I also went deeper down the rabbit hole in another rant I wrote on a fucking WordPad document (that is where all of my rants start, I'm not joking) and likened Dazai to Q and their relationship with pain too. Q obviously has a very high tolerance for pain due to their ability and all, but they still have a fucking limit. They're a child. Strapping them to a tree and making it feel as if they're being sawed down about 600 times at once and stood and stepped on and chopped up is obviously not going to feel fucking great. But, they still have bizarre reactions to pain, such as (TW) having countless razorblades strapped to their arm and smiling as they lift their sleeve up to reveal it, not even batting an eye. Like, I have a really high pain tolerance, but goddamn. That shit is strange. But, they're like Dazai in that regard. During Dazai and Chuuya's first meeting, he literally beats the shit out of him.

Ah, right, okay, so I'm going to explain the three different versions of this, because there's the anime, the manga and the LN. LN of course goes into more detail, but the manga visualises it easily. The anime doesn't go too deep into it, but Chuuya is much more hostile towards Dazai in the LN/Manga.

(ngl love how Chuuya basically calls him 'cool' here, also him realising that Dazai has a personality after saying that? I can't lie, not many people would go along that line of thinking, they'd go the opposite way; I'm fucking definitely going into this in more depth in a different post but anyways)

In the LN, this is obviously their first meeting. Dazai literally fucking soars through the goddamn air, crashes through buildings and debris, rolls down a fucking hill, then gets stomped on by Chuuya. Then his deadass response, "It hurts. I don't like pain, you know." Motherfucker is stone cold. "Dazai's voice remained flat despite being attacked by the enemy and hitting the ground and buildings."

Listen, even Asagiri acknowledges it.

When Chuuya first steps on his fist, he literally is like "yeah this is fine" he literally looks at it "like it was someone else's". This motherfucker-

Also, emphasis on the "full of wounds". Chuuya is stepping on already fresh wounds and crushing them and his fucking bones beneath his foot, yet Dazai's like "mhm".

The next bit though is like finally. "Dazai sounded like he was in pain." Astute observation fr. Anyways, Chuuya fucking boots him and this is like one of the only times we see a normal reaction to pain as he "cries out". And then him "grimacing from the pain" which is once again a valid reaction. What's not valid is that despite Chuuya telling him he's prepared to kick him over and over again, and Dazai saying "yeah I don't like pain" and having a visceral reaction to being kicked like that, but still messing with him regardless knowing that it'll just end up with him in more pain. I fucking can't with this guy.

Mans got booted so hard that he fell and crashed into a fence, yet still is fucking with Chuuya and messing with him. Then, whilst he's been booted again, he STILL fucking taunts him, earning him a swift kick to the face that makes him bleed. He laughs at the pain. This is also a common reaction to pain that we see from him. Remember when Chuuya punched him in Dead Apple during the Dragon's Head Conflict and he just laughed?

Like, he's clearly in a lot of fucking pain from the last sequence of events that just occured, yet he still taunts Chuuya, and ends up getting hurt multiple times like?

Then, in the manga;

His deadpan face, not assed, no emotion.

Like, look at how violent that is. Mans literally winds his fucking leg up for that stomp, and the effect is literally "smash".

We all know how fucking violent and harsh Chuuya's kicks on. Because, despite his gravity not being able to work on Dazai, he can still build momentum to prepare for that kick against him and make is legs faster. I was reading up on how much a kick to the head would hurt/damage you the other day, and there were a lot of things saying "a kick to the torso/back/leg is scary because you need to care more about injuries than pain" and someone was saying that their friend was out of commission for fighting for a year due to a particularly fesity kick to the head that she received, and his other friend was out for six months, and that was martial arts fighting matches where they lessen their impact of their attacks so as not to severely damage their opponent. Apparently, a taekwando spinning back kick has been reported to hit at 1500lbs of force. For reference, a sledgehammer hits at just under 1000lbs of force. So, in a street fight or in a situation where the person attacking is doing so out of malicious intent, this could cause some serious fucking damage.

Yet this man bats not a single eye. He gets kicked, we clearly see him react with the "cough" and his facial reaction, but then, even whilst he's keeled over on the ground, his face returns to it's normal stoic, stoney faced reaction.

Chuuya here kicks him in the face again, and he literally just says "That hurt." with the deadest look in his eyes.

Then, when the Mafia surround him with guns and Dazai's just chilling there, motherfucker just boots him across the face again and knocks that bitch out.

He kicks him so hard that blood is fucking spilling out.

Take note of the kicks I was on about before.

THEN THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS JUST GETTING BACK UP AGAIN IN THE BACKGROUND AND HOLDING HIS FACE LIKE "Ow, that kinda hurt." LIKE NO SHIT?

Once again, absolutely fucking clocked in the torso by Chuuya's kick and is just casually explaining it.

Then, of course, in the anime;

At this point, we do see him kind of grimace before he reverts to his normal deadpan state, to be fair.

Again, stating his disapproval for pain.

Very much so a hard kick, the fucking impact just sounds scary.

You can see the damage from it, yet this motherfucker still just remains as deadpan as ever in the face of pain and adversity.

Amongst all the other differences, this is one of them. In the anime, Dazai sounds more in pain and is shown to be affected more by when Chuuya kicked him than in the manga or the LN.

In the anime, it cuts out a lot of Chuuya just beating the shit out of Dazai lmao.

Like, this entire scene just gets me like "huh?" across all the different media's. We know how strong Chuuya is now, because he's honed it in the mafia and has gotten stronger. However, we also know how strong he is here. The fact that he's the strongest in the Mafia and the most skilled martial artist just shows his sheer strength, and despite him being only fifteen here, he's still fucking powerful, with or without his ability, which we see by when each time we see him fight against Dazai and how he easily overpowers him with sheer strength alone, it's just that Dazai outsmarts him in a battle of wits.

This is most certainly not me calling Chuuya dumb or Dazai weak, it's the fucking opposite and I hate people who deny it. Chuuya is not fucking stupid, he's so smart, he's a Port Mafia executive for a reason, it's just that strength is his strong suit. Dazai is not weak, he's just not as strong as some of the most skilled martial artists in the series. Dazai is fucking strong, again, he wasn't a Port Mafia executive for nothing. He can protect himself. Anwyays, sorry, it just irks me lol.

Anyways, my point is that Chuuya is fucking powerful, in my opinion, the strongest in the series. It shouldn't really be up for debate, not only is his ability powerful, but his physical strength surpasses almost all of the characters. Physical strength alone, he could easily beat Kunikida, Hirotsu (as we've seen), and any combat based character, maybe with the exception of Fukuzawa and Odasaku, however with his ability (again, exception of Odasaku) maybe he'd stand a chance. Because Fukuzawa's ability doesn't help him in combat, it helps him to be a leader. It's just that he is exceptionally proficient in martial arts. Anyway sorry this has turned into me just swooning about how powerful Chuuya is (I still stand by the fact that he wouldn't be able to beat Odasaku, simply because he can literally see the future. However, Corruption is literally OP as fuck, so maybe Odasaku's only option would be to run. Or just wait it out. I don't know, sorry anyway-)

MY POINT IS, CHUUYA IS FUCKING STRONG.

He literally is beating the shit out of Dazai, yet the only reactions we've seen from Dazai are him grimacing, or yelling out in pain when he kicked him real hard in the torso. All other reactions are just him with a stone cold expression in his monotone ass voice.

This was a bit long winded for one scene, I'm so sorry, I just fucking love this scene sm.

Anyways, I've always found Dazai's relationship with pain exceptionally bizarre, simply because of his underwhelming reactions to it, despite him exclaiming his distate for it multiple times over the course of the series. No other character has outright gone "you know I don't like pain, right?" except him. Why? It should be a natural human reaction/instinct to not really enjoy pain, except for when you do (you know what I mean obviously I hope) and so I just get confused when he announces it, yet doesn't move an inch or show any hint or trace of emotion. Pure baffles me, and I love to look into more.

Another scene of note, is when he's captured by the Mafia. Once again, he is provoking Akutaguwa into attacking him. Why? Why the fuck? I've literally always thought this since I watched that scene for the first time; just why? Why, for a man who goes on and on about how much he hates pain, does he provoke anyone and anyone who will clearly hurt him? When he's fighting against that big dude, he once again is provoking him, despite knowing the shit he'll go through. He provokes Chuuya, Aku, Kunikida, Fyodor, like? He goes into the situation with Fyodor knowing that he'll be fucking shot. He literally (fucking redacted my god) the nurse despite having a gunshot wound? Goes into the car knowing it will crash? Saves Sigma and crashes in an elevator? Even his fucking suicide attempts like, that shit's obviously not painless despite how much he wants it to be. In the BSD Drama CD, he literally fucking hangs himself in the room? He actively seeks out pain and puts himself in these situations and has self-destructive behaviour and tendencies despite his suicide. Anyways, sorry, the scene I was on about. When he gets captured by the mafia, and is literally getting smacked the shit out of by Aku (bear in mind that we didn't see that full scene from after Aku punched him, and whoever else went there to him, or whatever else happened. What happened when Kyouka took him, when he was chained up, etc. Also, the fact that it is a place used for torture, like. Anyways) yet still provokes him. For about three or something days that motherfucker was chained up and suspended like that's gotta hurt. Yet, he still provokes absolutely everyone around him and they end up inflicting pain on him. It just like... huh?

Anyways, I have so much more to say about this, but it's quite literally 4am and it's getting lighter outside. I have so so SO much more to say on this, though.

I just say way too fucking much lmao.

This is not going to make any sense to anybody else but me and for that I am sorry, and I apologise for me not being very concise or articulate. Any questions, don't hesitate to ask me and feel free to add your own brainrot to this :)

Have a lovely day/night! Thanks for taking the timr to read this bullshit fr <333

[ask-postcrash-curly]

God it's been a while since we last spoke... sorry. Uh, hey Curlman. Uh, I'd say I was busy but in reality I simply forgot reality existed and was sorta in my own head for a while. Mostly drawing and listening to music. Discovered and became obsessed with a musical recently and have had that basically on loop, haha.

There were a few times where I wanted to say something to you but either but forgot to or my brain was too foggy to really process or articulate it... so it's kinda irrelevant now. Uh, Whoops?

I don't really know what to say, if l'm honest, I just wanted to talk to you. Not about anything in particular, just in general. I like talking to you. It's an odd sorta comfort to me. And I'm Not saying odd' as a bad thing. Just as in a little peculiar. In a good way, anyway. You're a friend to me, put simply.

I haven't been paying as much attention to the going ons here, -again, uh.. brain fog and and all that jazz.- I just have a general idea,

-again, brain fog,- so I may not remember things correctly or have a skewed perception of it. but I hope you're doing alright, at least. As usual. Glad you got better bandages and a new gown. I bet that feels much better, at least. (And as a certified purple enjoyer I am very pleased about the color.

...though, I am aware of the medics not being very kind to you. From what l've heard, Apparently annoyed at you for... what, being in pain?... as a burn victim? What a concept! Ok, well, i get nobody -except sadists, I guess?- really like hearing someone crying but seriously, That's hardly professional, right? I acknowledge that I'm probably a bit late in saying this and it's been a bit since that happened but I couldn't not acknowledge it, you know? Wanna say my piece on it, at least.

I'm also pissed they apparently gave you a shit ton of amnesiacs, or however you call it without you knowing to knock you out or something? Which really sucks and I'm sorry happened.

-And Don't try to say it's ok or fine either, or that 'it could be worse' because that's not really the point, because it sure could be a lot better and they aren't treating you with the respect they should. I absolutely despise that they're not even really treating you like a person. Just abysmal. I don't care about whatever their reasoning or intent was, I dislike that they did it at all.. You being disabled is not an excuse for people to use that against you or mistreat you.

Not a good coping mechanism to just act like it's fine and doesn't matter when it's not. Trust me, I've done that before in the past and l assure you, it's less than helpful. I know you're doing it to essentially protect yourself because it's easier not to care about something than care about it and be worse off because ofit. but i don't believe It will help you in the long run. It can just create a nasty habit of avoidance and denial. It's essentially repression, I think. I'm not a mental health professional, just an incredibly mentally ill cryptid.

...I don't intend to upset you by bringing this up. And if I did, then that's on me and lim sorry. Genuinely. I just don't want to ignore this.

This will likely be the last I'll speak of it, and I won't bring it up again if you don't want me too. Just feel like it's a necessary thing to talk about, even if you might not think so.

I also don't want to come across as if I am judging you for thinking or acting this way. I'm not. I just know it's not the best way to go about it, and am merely saying my thoughts on it and the like. I can't make you do anything. Just a suggestion. something to consider and hopefully you'll understand my (and the rest who've talked to you about this point of view.

I just know that as a somewhat apathetic person- and I know saying that sounds crazy considering how much I tend to express my care to you, but it's true, somewhat. I dunno, It's inconsistent and weird. Though that's basically a summary of me as a whole, haha! | either care too much or don't care at all it's crazy. Sometimes I have to make myself care, if the thing I'm apathetic about actually matters and something you gotta care about, like other people and what happens to them, or things happening in the rest of the world where I'm not.

And that might be bad, but I find it's not harmful for me to do so. It sorta goes hand and hand with empathy, for me. Gotta fully process the situation n put myself in their shoes, I guess.

I'm not sure where I was going with that, ll think I was trying to make a point but it sorta derailed into me just infodumping.

Oh, right. Uh, basically being apathetic or not caring doesnt usually do you well. Does more harm than good, methinks. But I'm not trying to teach you a lesson or anything, I don't think I could do that to anyone if I tried. Much less a traumatized guy who's having questionable coping mechanisms to avoid being miserable all the time. Which I can't entirely fault you for. At least with my current knowledge of it.

I have cared too much about a thing and wanted to make myself not care, so I tried forcing apathy which. Did not work. Granted it was about a much less stressful and bad situation but I think it still works the same way. Forcing yourself not to care doesnt do good stuff to your brain I think.

Suddenly i feel like I am forgetting something and or like I don't know what I'm talking about. Ah! Oh, ok it's just brain fog. Brain fogs back.

Or apathy? Man this sucks. Yeah again I say this stuff as a suggestion at best. I just care about you and want you to be ok and have less harmful ways of dealing with stuff.

Anyway. That's all I gotta say on that. Hope you understand at least consider it and don't get too upset at it. if I completely failed this, then I am sorry.

Mm.. well. I recall some others were telling you what you were to them? Like a housecat or like. Some other vaguely absurd and questionable things. Oh, and other more 'normal' things like uncle or something. You're a dad to like 5 or so kids in your head, right? You're a son to another. Robin, right? She seems nice. Death, too.

I suppose I've already told you what you are to me, haven't I? A friend. And I think that's good enough for me.

That’s all I got for now. love you. Hugs.

[right as I was writing this he got sent another awful video. My timing is the WORSTTT.)

It's okay. Happens. What musical?

Mhm. I like talking to you too. You're a good friend.

Better bandages and clean gown's good, yeah. That last week where Anya couldn't change the bandages at all was hell. And that gown was fucking filthy.

...It's not so bad, really...

Amnesiacs...? You mean, uh... Fuck, now I can't remember how it's called either. Does start with 'A.' ...Anti... Nope. Uh... Anesthesia? I don't know. I don't know what they gave me. Probably was better off not being awake for whatever it was anyways.

But it is fine. I'm not upset about it. Was just confused when it first happened. ...The not treating me like a person thing... If I'm being real, that's sometihng I could do without. It really... I don't like how they don't, uh... my crew at least talked to me sometimes, you know? I don't like this. Feels like I'm not even fucking here sometimes.

But it's not a good coping mechanism to— Look, I'd rather just try to get what little relief I can than waste energy wishing it were different. I just... I just have to deal with it until we land, and then— and then surely it won't be— I'll be able to understand them, at least, and maybe the crew will want to— will be allowed to visit. Just have to last until then. Not so bad.

It's really okay. Don't need to be sorry.

Mhm. Yeah. Sorry.

...Mhm.

It's not that I don't care. It's just that it's not worth fussing about. I've been through worse conditions. These ones are fine. I don't understand what's questionable about thinking that. It's objectively better than the Tulpar.

I don't understand what makes it harmful either. Trying to have less harm.

You haven't... Not upset. Haven't failed either. Don't be sorry.

Hah. Yeah. I don't get the joke, but... Something like that. ...To Death I'm a sick cat, actually. For some reason.

A friend's plenty good enough. Love you. Mind hugs.

[believeintheruin]

02-22-25 Carnival Saiou

We're so close to the finish line aaaaahhh. I've basically wrapped this piece up with a few exceptions. There's a short segment I've skipped over I now have to go back to and. Damn it's giving me such a headache. I've rewritten it five times and just hated every version of it. Usually I find dream segments really easy to write because I have such vivid dreams like. Every night? But. For some reason this one is alluding me so hard. I also struggle real bad with endings and since this piece is going to be quite open-ended its important to be to get that right so. Beta will be assisting me with wrapping this up so when you all read it, it's not just this abrupt stop like it is right now, lmao. So current plan is to take a page out of Kiwi's book and rewrite the whole thing to clean it up (which I'm looking at doing either tomorrow after work or Monday on my day off just depending on my energy levels. Work has been really crazy recently so. I've just been super drained most days unfortunately as it's pretty physically demanding. Then let my beta have at it and tell me if this piece is even coherent for you all 0.0 Soooo here's hoping you all will be seeing it by end of week? Maybe for real this time? A little behind the scenes though, when I came on here last time being like "I only have one scene left, I'm really close to done" I ended up writing nearly 3k more? So I sincerely have zero concept of what "close to done" actually means ever lmao. Believe me when it's posted and not before haha Anyway hope you're all having a good weekend and drinking water<3

[celticbotanart]

Been feeling under the weather these past few days (hence why I'm a bit inactive here, as per usual); so let's go for another music post~

I've recently finished the season 1 of "Constellation", highly recommend it if you are into scifi, space/astronauts and time-alternative dimension-fuckery. The show is pretty awesome, and Noomi Rapace, who plays the protagonist is also a favorite of mine (and she's killing in this role as always <3).

I won't elaborate a lot, due to personal reasons but also bc spoilers, but the finale really made an impression on me and I've been thinking a lot about it. It also reminded me a lot of a couple of songs I know with these themes of "lost in space (metaphorically and literally)", longing, loss/grief and so on, and I want to share them with y'all~

1- "Moonhearts in Space" by Tina Guo ft Serj Tankian

You were undressed With your lies, I confess But I don't want to know 'Cause we're going to space Children, let's pretend We can see everything But we can't I can make the pain go away No, you can't

For context, Tina Guo is the original cello soloist in the soundtrack of the game "Journey", which is majorly cello all over it, as the "voice" of the main character. And also yes, that Serj Tankian (vocalist of System of a Down), haha. An unlikely pair that really pays off in this collab - Tina has a very intense and emotional playing style, and Serj really goes hard with sensitive, beautiful vocals as he does <3 I love how the lyrics are "all over the place", like someone's thoughts going from one thing to another really fast~

2- "Toki no Kioku" ("Memory of Time") by Yoko Kanno

Far away, long ago Wandering lost, so alone Passing eyes, parting sighs Some pains come through Where time flows, no one knows Pulsing dreams, barely seen In skies, thoughts of love go by

This is the ending theme of an anime / 6 episode OVA called "Please, Save My Earth" - the main plot is kind of inspired by the tale of Princess Kaguya (moon beings experiencing humanity). The story of "Please Save My Earth" tells about these teens who start to have dreams from their previous lives, where all of them worked together in a space station at the moon, trying to find a way of helping Earth and humanity, longing for it. It's a very strange anime, ngl, but I found it so captivating, from the detailed 90s anime style to the mysterious, introspective narrative. The music is by Yoko Kanno (most known for her work on Cowboy Bebop's OST), and "Toki no Kioku" really reflects the somber and melancholic tone of the story. I'm linking the version with the ending credits because I think the beautiful animation adds so much to the music's experience!

3- "The First Corpse on the Moon", by Lethe

Lethe is a project featuring Tor-Helge Skei and Anna Murphy (former Eluveitie, current Cellar Darling). No lyrics here because they are nowhere to find online, and I can understand only some bits of it (I have a hard time picking up English in singing). It's enough though, cause the title is pretty self-explanatory. Out all of these songs, it's probably the song that makes me think of "Constellation" the most (if you know, you know). I've always loved Anna Murphy's vocals and how she goes for darker, more introspective themes too, and this song is no exception

[ac-liveblogs]

Oh yeah, I am aware the thoroughline of non-humans getting fucked over for humanity's sake, but I'm trying to think of a watsonian/in-world explanation haha.

Yeah tbf to Zhongli the Yaksha would have to agree to the terms, but at the same time...how he acted with Havria's follower and her contract means that I do not trust that he would be reasonable and adapt the terms if the Yaksha ended up far worse off than predicted.

I guess it's that, to me, an oath sounds more in line with what the yaksha did and wanted. "I believe in the future you're trying to build so I'll lend you my strength" would be perfectly alright if you just, agreed to help for a greater good, or out of your personal beliefs, but contracts are more about the benefits you receive in exchange, aren't they? Besides, Cloud Retainer being willing to destroy the harbor if the contract didn't prevent her from foing so means that some adepti may not have been... perfectly okay with all the terms.

And as I said, I really struggle to think what the Yaksha got out of the deal except maybe personal satisfaction for their "warlike temperaments" and a hypothetical place in Zhongli's nation, which honestly is the barest minimum. Besides, I don't think we'd have to worry about whether oathbreakers are worse than contract breakers, given that Bosacius is the only one who took a momentary break - all the other yaksha, including non-generals like pervases, carried it out to their deaths.

If you had to pen down contracts with the adepti, what would you write as the terms? I also guess you won't make the recurring problem with non-humans in your rewrite haha, any notable changes?

Oh no, I mean it's like that in game too. I swear it was recently stated in-game as an intentional thing some non-humans were aware of, but I didn't make a note of where. I've been skimming Act V (and reddit) to try and find it, but so far I've only found confirmation that Angels/Shades are duty-bound to serve humanity. I don't think that's what I was remembering, but it's all I've found rn. I have got to make better notes…

I always assumed that Zhongli's contracts were at least meant to show he's a fair/reasonable god that doesn't play favourites regardless of the situation - enforcing signed contracts per the stated terms without taking his own feelings into consideration (Azhdaha…) It's an odd position to put him in though, given Zhongli doesn't really… do much, most of the time, and you're generally supposed to consider him morally upright. Whenever it does show up its a bit shocking LMAO

If we're leaping into "what I personally think happened and why" territory… in the Archon War, I bet a lot of Adepti were forced to pick sides to survive. If Morax says "hey, I killed the god you used to work for - work for me or die with them", Adepti that wanted to stay in his good graces once the dust cleared just took the deal whether they liked it or not. So the benefit would be "you can live here AND I won't drop a meteor on your head :)" which if you worked for a god he just buried is probably pretty sweet. In this situation, a contract is a threat and a guarantee in one.

And if Morax also says, "I favour humanity - if you turn against them we'll have problems, sign this contract saying you agree and understand" a bunch of them probably just did that too (e.g. the Cloud Retainer thing; the consequence for breaking the rule against attacking humans was probably Immense Violence. If Morax is dead and his death voids all his contracts, what's stopping her?) Since the War was probably absolute hell for the humans that had to live through it, Zhongli might have been extremely heavy-handed in putting an end to all conflict to allow humanity to get some stability back and rebuild. "Or else."

His troops were a mix of true believers/loyal followers that agreed with his ideals for humanity and were happy to work towards it, former enemies surviving the best they could and war friends/allies that agreed to the terms he set out once he was Archon to keep things chill. (thus the adepti just kind of... living by themselves off in the mountains doing their own thing.)

Assuming that post Archon War Zhongli pretty much had almost every living Adeptus in Liyue working for him in some capacity, that means the Yaksha he deployed against Evil God Ghosts and the Abyss already worked for him, and regardless of their feelings on humanity would agree that the Abyss/Evil Gods getting a foothold in developing Liyue was probably a bad idea and should be dealt with no matter the cost (though, whatever agreement was struck here left the guarantee that they could leave if they wanted to, which almost no-one did.)

I consider the Yaksha heroes that put Liyue above their own wellbeing for a variety of reasons. When there were a lot of them sharing the burden it probably wasn't so bad, but by the time of the Cataclysm…

I think a basic Morax contract would boil down to 1) follow my commands (i will accept debate but not outright defiance); 2) you will defend Liyue in the way we agree you will - I assume there's a variety of punishments scaled to the severity of your breach, and Zhongli enforces them personally. For the purposes of the narrative, that's all we really need imo. I bet that after Xiao was forced to hurt others against his will, he actually found a contract that said "if you hurt humans I'll stop you" extremely reassuring and trusted in Rex Lapis' proven better nature. Zhongli is probably an ok boss if you follow the rules, and you'll never not know what the rules are (no whimsically cruel and unpredictable gods here).

Re; non-humans being considered less important than regular humans… um, it's complicated? Yes and no.

As far as Celestia goes, they only really care about human souls from the race that Phanes' created. Demi-humans just branched off of those humans. Since they use Visions to mark and harvest souls, demi-humans are A-OK - they do not care (with the exception of Fontaine. Thats a whole other thing). Human biases may vary (I don't intend to write any kind of racism subplot involving demihumans like Itto or Kirara though.)

On the other hand, while humans revere non-human Archons and Illuminated Beasts, I think Celestia REALLY doesn't care and just views them as fodder to ensure the safety of humanity for their own purposes. Teyvat's lore and Celestia's opinion are totally different haha…

[i-may-be-an-emu]

hey my dude, happy birthday! (i saw someone else say happy birthday but idk how old you are lol)

I've been wondering how other Christians on the autism spectrum deal with praying, experiencing God, etc. Personally I didn't enjoy my old church that much because The Building Is Ugly and The Lights Are Evil, plus the songs were all about "I, the singer, am experiencing an Emotion about God" which I couldn't always relate to. I do try to pray regularly but I don't often have a lot to say (bc I have no life haha).

Building relationships is hard enough with other humans, especially neurotypical ones but even others with autism. It's a lot more cloudy and confusing when you're trying to build a relationship with someone whose voice you can't hear. But I love the physical humanity of Jesus because all through the gospels he talks to his friends, he loves them, cares for them, eats with them...and I can identify with that humanity. He knew what it was like to be alone, or mad at everybody, or mad at the guy who's preaching because of what he's saying. And he took care of people who were hungry or sick or even DEAD, and I can identify with those things too

(probably one reason I like SFTH so much is that they also make love and care for the characters, and for each other, visible and physical and obvious and said out loud, like Jesus himself but on a much smaller scale)

Anyway I'm not sure what I even came here to ask, except what does Christianity look like for another young autistic person? Is Regular Church hard or unpleasant for you? Do you pray even when you have nothing to say? I don't really want advice, I'm just curious about your perspective

First of all I’m so sorry for taking so long to answer this, but thank you for the ask!! :))

I definitely relate to the sensory nightmare that church can be, I block a lot of it out and kinda shut down mostly- although my church has a “quiet room” specifically for adults and teens with sensory needs (it’s quite a big church, like several hundred people possibly more) and I think you can go in there and there’s low lighting and low volume and you watch the service on a TV (i don’t use it so maybe its only for big services?? Like Christmas?? But idk I think its every service)

The songs have always been a bit confusing to me too, especially cause they often use a lot of metaphors that don’t make sense to me or there’s factually incorrect things that are commonly said but not technically correct and I’m like ???? I also tend to overthink things a lot and it’s hard to actually just be in the moment.

l experience hyper-empathy, which honestly with Christianity helps me a lot? Cause I feel it so intensely, but then it’s hard to decipher what’s my own feelings and what’s God. And idk 🤷 it’s helpful but kinda annoying sometimes.

And yeah I honestly pray just whenever, even when I have nothing to say, I kinda just talk to God about anything. Although, recently I’ve noticed that I don’t as much anymore and I’m trying to fix that.

But yeah :) autism does definitely affect my faith in the way that I see the world. When I was younger and I learned stuff like Jesus leaving the 99 to find the lost sheep I always thought stuff like “but what if I’m not the lost sheep and I’m just one of the 99 and he leaves me” kinda thing. Cause it’s a metaphor and the people giving the example are trying to help you to understand what they’re getting at but my brain would always look at it another way.

I still do quite often, and sometimes it’s good. It’s good to question things and look at things in another way, but I do get caught up in the details rather than just listen to what the person preaching has to say sometimes.

thank you for the question :)

[bunbunpawz]

BlackLess Jirai Kei

So recently Jirai Kei has always had options for Blackless outfits but it is the easiest to add the black to make it Jirai Kei. So lets look at how it works, kind of? I am not 100% sure on it either and I think other people might be just as lost. 1. Tunic "one piece" + shorts. The best way I've seen a blackless Jirai Kei outfit was when they wore tunic + shorts "one piece" outfits where the main clothing items either have a pattern, or are just a slick single color. You can add black to it in the form of a pattern such as :

How ever You can also for an outfit that is completely blackless (except for maybe the shoes)

All of these would be considered Jirai Kei:

As you can see the pink and gray do have a black ribbon, but the blue has a white ribbon, and lately the pink has also been coming with white accesories. It is still recognized as Jirai Kei. Heck even without the black shoes, usually a full pink and white outfit or a blue and white outfit. Example of an all blue and white Jirai Kei

I assume the reason why Blue and White has been more in Jirai Kei lately is due to the rise of the fashion of "mizuiro" or "blue and white" style. It is seperate from the Tenshi Kaiwai as it is a different type of accesories, style and vibe, the only thing that is similar is the color. Its somekind of mixture between Tenshi Kaiwai with Jirai Kei. It is one of the reasons Jirai Kei has become and umbrella fashion, such as Gyaru with Gyaru categories. I assume we are heading that way with Jirai Kei. Here is a Blue X white X pink jirai kei outfit

The blue x white is due to popularity , and the pink bow is due to the black outfits + pink bow being popular as well. Pink x White, Jirai kei?

This one could either be Ryousan Gata Or jirai kei. Seeing as the model is usually Jirai kei and you can tell by her make up and overall style she is on the jirai side, this pink x white no black outfit works really well. Pink x pink x white Jirai Kei

Again we see the tunic + shorts be the best indication of it being Jirai Kei despite having no elements of black. It seems if you can capture the vibe it can be jirai kei regardless of what colors you use.

Over all it seems that white is the new black? or maybe pink is? In anyway, I have made a mess of a post, hope that was enjoyable for someone haha some people might not agree with the no black jirai kei but it cannot be stopped and you may take it as you would.

[castlebyersafterdark]

omg it's so emotional about you getting into makeup! i wonder if this part of yourself will always be connected to stranger things and by extension, noah, now... like in the future you might look back and remember that you discovered that part of yourself though this show and your love for the actors. it will always be in your heart, perhaps <3

also why did i swoon a little when you said you have brown eyes? like... youre one of THOSE redheads. what people in the redhead makeup industry would call gossamer, maybe? copper auburn hair, lots of freckles, peachy skin and cinnamon eyes? special. for some reason because you said you have irish roots i was assuming you would be more copper-carrot with ice blue eyes.

i've got scottish roots and i'm more strawberry blonde, no freckles except in strong summer sun. the hardest ever shade to even get people to acknowledge haha! double the discrimination, for being a blonde bimbo or being a ginger! haha! oh life. all this to say, i would advise looking up redhead-specific makeup brands if you do want to get into this - you can get specialist red/auburn mascaras. changed my life! but... for these purposes, a dar brown that's got impact might work better for you! go bold!

It's a bit emotional for me too, but I have this fandom corner to thank for many things lately, you're so right. I don't think I would have experimented or considered without it!! So, definitely. Always will come back here, no matter where this goes. It's funny, he didn't even really wear it, it was a joke filter - but Noah in the makeup really did affect me in such an unexpected way. Yes, he looked hot but something really shifted when I thought about it. "Do I want him or want to be him" as is such a common thought train for me with guys. A little of both here. Been interesting to work this out, I'm still not fully there but it's... something. I'm onto something.

I'm blushing over the brown eyes swooning. I don't know, but it made me smile. Thank you 😌 I'm learning so much, about color and features I might not have really thought too hard about. I definitely have Irish roots but there's some other stuff too, so who knows!! But I'm going to take the advice and look into stuff! Color theory. I tried a less costumey look recently than for Halloween (just in the mirror to test, went a little softer). I think the black is throwing me after these conversations, might go this other route the next time I'm back at the store. I think of the guys in a lot of my favorite rock/pop-punk type bands and the liner many wear. I always thought all those guys were so cool, so I think it's another influence as I observe what I'm doing here. Kind liking a little as an occasional enhancement rather than a glam thing. You know who would be sooo hot with a little liner? Biased, but 💙 Hmmm. Boy. I gotta convince him. He's already got such lovely features and these gorgeous eyes, he'll knock me tf outtt if I can convince him just to try it. I can be very persuasive.

And to the second - I think I get what you mean!! It's more of an enhancement rather than a big glam thing. Which can be cool, too, but not completely applicable here? I think that's what appealed to me. Because I did think the lipstick and blushy cheeks added to his vision and his attractivness there, but not something that appeals to me for me? So yeah, his looks was a bit more. Cute clown/jester! I see it. I thought he also looked like a seductive cartoon bunny but I think we know that's a pervasive (in a positive way) image many of us in this corner have grown fond of. (Ooooh wait - Noah as the Lola to my beloved Bugs Bunny oh, the vision the vision ANYWAY). But still more towards what you said - exaggerated version than specifically Noah as a woman. Like, nothing wrong about another's journey but I don't really think for myself it's specifically with the makeup tapping into a true femininity thing personally, it's really... it's different. I'm not sure what's going on! Exaggerated enhancement is the name of the game.

But again, to your last point... maybe things can mean multiple things at once. It's probably safe to say the 'guy in makeup' thing is part of it with Noah, I don't think that's inaccurate entirely. There's truth there. But not as much of really a thrill for me in a taboo way not like uhhhhhhh maybe certain styles of, gosh, why am I so embarrassed to admit stuff? Is that proving our point here? The taboo. Fuck it, certain style of lingerie garment worn in the bedroom. Fill in the blanks. Why can I talk about certain things here but others I'm nervous?? Point proven!! Anyway. Excellent point. Concepts of gender rather than rules of gender itself. I do love breaking rules and roles. Now I'm all over the place where this started as a pretty put together conversation and I'm blushing and sputtering hahaha. Anyway...

[kasienda]

So you reblogged a post recently about how you should never give unsolicited cc on ao3 fics and I 100% agree but I want to hear your thoughts on something.

Once several months ago I read a fic where the main characters were very misogynistic and the narrative was justifying their misogyny. I went into the comments and there were a few other people who pointed out the misogyny in the work. I replied agreeing and said it was kind of uncomfortable. The author replied basically saying "don't like don't read".

Ever since then I've wondered if I was being a jerk for making that comment. Is unsolicited cc justified if the author is misogynistic? Or should I have just ignored it and moved on to a different story? I've been wanting to ask someone else for a while now but I've felt kind of guilty about it

Hey anon!!

I don’t know if I’m an authority on this topic, but I’ve actually been in similar situations, and here are my few thoughts.

1) I don’t think the rules are different when I come across stories that don’t agree with my values. And I think that criticism will still come off as rude. And I think it’s up to YOU to decide if it’s something you care about enough to not care if it’s rude or not. And if it’s something you care about then, I don’t think you need to worry about hurting that author’s feelings. It’s definitely not worth your guilt for days or longer after the fact. Like it’s a can I live with being rude? Can I live with myself for NOT saying something even if it is rude?

2) on the other hand, saying something in the comments is not really going to change anything. There’s lots of people who are prejudice in some way and that’s always going to come out in their artwork. That’s the world they live in in their head. And hearing from a stranger on the internet is not likely going to change their minds or make this person suddenly reflective and self aware.

I have learned (by making a lot of mistakes! Haha!) usually that if I’m reading a story that I don’t like because the author and I clearly have very very different values, that I’m better off just not engaging. I hit that back button. Because if I do say something, and the author responds we usually just get in a back and forth and I get all worked up and angry, and they get all worked up and angry and double down, and it’s just not worth it.

Now I have made an exception before when it felt like the writer wasn’t aware of how it was coming across, and would want to know. But even then, I don’t phrase it as criticism! I usually say something like, “omg! This is so good! I have so many feelings! I can’t believe character x didn’t respect character Y’s no!! I can’t wait for Y to kick them into the sun!” And this works because a lot of the time the author DID mean to write it that way and this comes across as me engaging with their story instead of criticizing the story! And if they didn’t intend for x to be unlikeable in that scene, well, now they know that it landed that way anyway!

I will tell you that if someone has already commented about my issue, and the author has responded defensively or reflectively, I don’t need to say anything.

It also helps me to remember that stuff I find awful is always going to exist! Always! And it being awful is not a reason for it not to exist! Because there’s someone out there who is going to find some of my stuff just as awful! (I’ve even heard from some of them!). My comments and values are not going to stop that kind of stuff from existing. I respond by creating stuff that I wish existed instead. I call that spite fic! Haha!

I also want you to know that I’ve messed up before, I’ve been rude on purpose before (usually in defense of writers, but not always), I’ve apologized for my impact before when something didn’t land as positively as intended, and I’ve not commented on stuff that I abhored before. I’ve done it all! And from that, I’ve learned how I want to engage with fic and fandom. And I have gotten to a point where I almost never comment criticism to a writer I don’t know. But it wasn’t always this way. I LEARNED that by doing it other ways and it blowing up in my face. Mistakes are awesome like that because they are the biggest opportunities to learn.

So if you take one thing from this, I hope it’s this - your guilt is not needed. If it was a mistake, learn from it and move on. But only you can decide if it was actually a mistake or not.

[summercourtship]

I had to watch a 42 min video that explained the lore of “Fallout: New Vegas” to read (I have never watched/played Fallout before, except for the TV series) your Vulpes fic! and i have to say… it’s soooo good!!!! I have never heard about Vulpes before, he definitely has a hot voice… and face… and body… (what i’m trying to say thanks for introducing him to me) I’m so excited to keep reading it and seeing how their relationship goes from there! I loved the way you managed to portray Vulpes arrogance and Ena’s quick thinking skills, her shaving her head was so personal and emotional to me bcs (for me) hair is part of my personality, so her doing that was a very clear way of showing that now, she is forced to change who she is.

Also, that part where he looks at her hair and she’s self conscious about it, reminds me of that scene in STBOTDI where the reader is checking out Edward’s hair and he’s self conscious about it! Haha… but, yeah Vulpes was probably just seeing that she had a recent hair cut and thought “Huh… that’s abnormal…” (or not… i might be just dumb)

(Oh… and… I've said this in other Ask’s... but I feel obliged to repeat, English is not my native language, so… if some sentences seem strange and without punctuation it's because of that... the fact that I'm on mobile doesn't help either… I just don’t want you to think i’m a child that doesn’t know how to write)

your dedication is insane, thank you so much. like, i'm genuinely flattered that you went through that effort just to read my lil fic <3

i definitely radicalized at least three people to paul dano's riddler through STBOTDI so if i can do the same with this fic, that would just be really funny tbh. I love Vulpes (and I also love blowing him up in game but that's neither here nor there)

It's always a journey writing new characters- I'm always afraid that I end up writing the same characters over and over again. Especially with this fic being in a POV I don't write very often, I've been very nervous about how they're coming across. Thank you for letting me know that, if nothing else, I portrayed them how I'd hoped.

I actually went about six years without getting a hair cut (from my senior year of high school to last year). Even though I didn't go anywhere near shaved head, it was a big shift (even if I knew it was ultimately for the better). While Ena knows that shaving her head is necessary for her survival, it must feel much like the 'final nail in the coffin' for her.

Vulpes is suspicious of her from the get-go, so his thoughts when he was looking at her hair were definitely somewhere along the lines of "this hair has been cut recently, what does that mean?" It's all just evidence that he's gathering for her being not who she seems. (and the reason why he hasn't done anything about it will be revealed later in the fic. also he generally needs to not act for the fic to work idk)

Your English is really good! It gets the message across and I can understand it, which is what language is for. So I'd say you're doing a pretty good job! <3333