#this is the rant that haunts my thoughts at 5:30 am when I should be asleep

[heyheycaitalin]

I think it's time we acknowledge escalators are actually the worst. Like stairs aren't tricky enough, now they're moving? Excuse me? No thank you. Going up escalators isn't so bad. What's the worst that'll happen? I fall, embarrass myself and hit the step above me, but I'm still moving up. It's not like gravity can really screw me over. But down??? No! I'll take the elevator or stairs. If that level has exits to the parking lot, I'd rather go through a department store exit, take the exterior stairs down, and go all the way around the building to go back in on the lower floor. I'll inconvenience the hell outta myself before I brave an escalator. Unless I'm with someone I'm not comfortable being weird with, I might struggle through it then. But I'll hate every second of it and feel my body jittering for 10 minutes after it's over. I really hate escalators.

[fandoms-writer]

Past and Present Pranks

Remus Lupin x Reader

This takes place during Order of the Pheonix, and Remus is still the DADA professor

Word count: 1.9k

You were in the middle of talking about your History lesson when the Ministry’s Charms teacher came in. Professor Flitwick was taking an off year for personal reasons, and the Ministry decided that they needed an inside woman. They decided on a human cotton candy, as you like to call her, but your husband said to stop because you might call her that to her face one day, and you honestly couldn’t care less.

You’ve heard about her coming around and interviewing teachers, so it was only a matter of time until she came to you. She decided, of course, to come interrupt in the middle of one of the most important lessons of the class. She didn't even bother knocking when she arrived, she just barged in, just like Snape, but a little less dramatic. 

You composed yourself before addressing the pink lady,”What can I help you with, Professor?”

“Oh don’t mind me, this is just a routine check for the ministry. Just continue with your lesson,” she said with her haunting laugh.You tried, oh you tried, but every other sentence, she would say a snide remark under her breath. Some you would catch, others you wouldn’t. After about 30 mins of keeping your cool, she decided that she’s seen enough.

“Thank you for your time, Professor Lupin,” she said with that evil smirk.

“Of course,” I said, sarcasm coming out automatically. Once the door closed, you let the eyeroll out that has been there since she walked in. Thankfully, you were close with the students you had now, so they knew how you got. You felt comfortable with them, and they felt comfortable around you. “Alright then! Where were we?”

-------------------------------------------

The rest of the lesson passed by fairly quickly even though you were still in a mood, and before you knew it, you were walking down the corridor that led to your and Remus’ shared room. Once you walked in, you saw him sitting on the couch reading, like usual. Once you closed the door, you dropped your bag, and flopped on top of him on the couch.

“Hello to you too,” he said with a chuckle, and you responded with a groan and nuzzled your face in the crook of his neck. “That bad, huh?”

You finally looked at him, and kissed him before you started your rant. “She’s absolutely terrible Remus. She walked in, in the middle of my lesson saying that I wouldn’t even notice her, but every time I spoke, she would mumble something. She thinks that she is above everyone because she’s from The Ministry. You know, I wouldn’t even mind going to Azkaban if it meant saving the students and staff from her tyranny. At least you didn’t have to deal with her yet.”

“Actually-”

“-Wait! When? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I would if you’d let me finish,” he said while giving you a pointed look.

“Okay, okay, continue,” you said while staring at him intently to which he just shook his head and laughed. You rested your chin on his chest while his hands were on your hips, his thumbs stroking them softly. 

“She came in during my last lesson of the day. Everything was fine, until after her being there for 5 minutes, and then she decided to bring up my lycanthropy. She asked about the events from 2 years ago, and if it was safe for a werewolf to be a teacher.” You opened your mouth to say something, but before you could, he put up a finger over your mouth. “I know what you’re going to say, but let me finish before you do anything rash.”

“I was completely honest and open with her since I don’t have anything to hide, including the potion that I take. She even asked the students how safe they felt about a werewolf teaching them. Some answered, and a lot of them just glared at her. She apparently wasn’t expecting that answer because she immediately left. So, I dealt with it, and now there is nothing more to do,” he finished.

“Nothing more to do! I’m going to kill her,” you said while getting off of your husband, and making your way to the door. “That was inappropriate, and unprofessional of her to bring that up in front of the kids,” you continued, but before you grabbed the handle, a pair of arms dragged you back to the couch and enclosed you. “What are you doing?”

“I’m saving you from being fired, my dear,” he said matter of factly. “Now, it’s late, we have lessons in the morning, and we both had stressful days, so I think,” he said while carrying you over to your bed,”that we should go to bed.”

“But Rem-”

“-No buts. It’s over, there’s nothing more you can do,” he said while throwing you one of his jumpers that looked like a dress on you. 

“Alright, fine,” you said while curling up under the covers. ‘It’s definitely not over’ you thought to yourself.

After the ‘Goodnights’ and ‘I love yous’ you lied awake, unable to sleep. While listening to your husband's soft snoring in one ear, and his steady heartbeat in the other, you thought about how to show her to not to mess with your family, without getting caught. After about 30 more minutes of thinking, you figured out the perfect plan, and all you had to do was wake up early.

 -------------------------------------------

That morning, you got up carefully to not wake the sleeping man beside you. You knew how tough sleep could be for him at times, besides, he looked so peaceful. You got ready for the day, and made your way to the woman of the hours chambers. The castle was quiet except for the sound of the wind flowing throughout the halls since it was pretty early, and no one would be up for another hour. You made it to the chambers, recited the spell, and got out in under 5 minutes. In order for the spell to work on time, you have to say it an hour before. Instead of going back to your room, you walked the halls of the castle, and when it was time for breakfast, you made your way to the hall. When you got there, Remus was already there. 

“Goodmorning love,” you said while kissing his cheek and sitting in the chair next to him.

“Hello darling. You were up early.” he said with a tone of a question.

“Yeah. I had to finalize my lesson for today,” you replied while starting to eat.He didn’t question it any more, just nodded and started eating also. The hall was quiet except for the normal chatter, but that was about to change in 5...4...3...2...1.

The doors of the Great Hall flew open, and there stood a very angry professor. It was quiet for a minute, and then slowly, the hall broke out into laughter, including the teachers. 

“You all think this is funny,” she said while pointing to her hot pink hair. No one answered, only laughed even harder. “Which one of you did this?” she asked while looking around the room. You could feel 2 sets of eyes on you, and you knew who they were. Minnie and your husband. You had to hide the smirk that was trying to show itself. She eventually gave up and stormed out. 10 minutes passed, and it was time for the teachers to head to their classrooms. 

You kissed your husband with a quick ‘see you later’ and walked out of the hall.You didn’t get very far until someone called your name. You let them catch up to you. 

”What can I do for you Minnie?” you asked while continuing your walk.

“Still with that name,” she said while shaking her head with a soft smile. “You know, that prank looked very familiar.”

“DId it now? Interesting,” you said feigning innocence.

“It looked very similar to the one that was played on me during your 6th year.”

“Hmm, that is very interesting. The only ones that would know about it would be Remus, Severus, me, and you.”

“Did you at least dispose of the evidence?” she asked with a knowing look.

“Of course I did. I am a professional prankster.”

“What did she do, other than the obvious,” she asked with a serious tone.

“Short story, she decided to berate my husband in front of his class,” you said straight forward. And she nodded.

“Alright, and just between us, well played,” she said while walking toward her class.

“Thank you,” you said with a bow.

-------------------------------------------

During your lunch, you decided to grade papers instead of eating. 5 minutes in, there was a knock on your door.

“Come in,” you said while not even looking up. You didn’t need to, especially when the knocker kissed your head. 

“Hello love.”

“Hi,” you said while looking up at him, and gave him a kiss.

“I brought you lunch since you weren't there.”

“Thank you,” you said while moving papers so he could sit. 

After eating in silence for a couple of minutes, he spoke up. “Do you know anything about the prank pulled this morning?”

“No, I don't. Did they catch the culprit yet?”

“No, but doesn’t it seem familiar?” he asked, and you knew that he knew, but you wanted to keep the act going for a little while longer.

“I guess. I remember James doing something like that in our 6th year.”

“Y/n..?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Is that what you were doing this morning?”

“I already told you, I was finalizing my lessons,” you said while keeping your eyes down because you knew that if you looked into his, you would break.

“Y/n, darling, I know it was you, and if you don’t want to admit it, I guess you don’t need this sandwich.” he said while snatching the half eaten sandwich out of your hand.

“Remus John Lupin, if you don’t give me the sandwich I swear,” you said while reaching for it, but his height on you made it extremely difficult. “Remus, please,” you begged while exaggerating the ‘please.’

“I’ll gladly give you the sandwich when you admit it.”

You huffed, admitting defeat, “Fine! I did it! Now give me my sandwich.” You eagerly snatched the sandwich when he lowered it.

“Now was that so hard,” he said while smirking, and you just glared at him.

“In my defense, she deserved it. You should’ve also known that I wouldn’t let it go.”

“I did, I just wanted to make it difficult for you.”

“I should’ve chosen Sirius all those years ago,” you quipped while smirking at the man glaring at you. “I’m kidding love, I would’ve chosen Severus.” You were now crying from how much you were laughing. 

“If that’s how you feel, I’m going to get ready for my lesson,” he said while pouting and standing up.

“No! I was just kidding Rem. I love you,” you said while grabbing his arm preventing him from leaving, and hiding your face in his chest.

“And I love you, but I should go get ready,” he said, which earned a groan from you, and chuckled while kissing your hair. “I’ll see you later”

“Bye,” you said while kissing him. 

You spent the rest of the day in a good mood. Partially from your scheme from this morning, and partially from the amazing man that you get to call your husband.  

[coolcoolkerberos]

Rating Side’s Playlists: Janus

Aka I say Vibes 30 times, these aren’t in order

- Come Little Children by Erutan

Disney villain vibes

Evil motherly song, guiding through the dark

“It must be this way” MY FUCKING FEELINGS

Haunting, I love it

7/10, get’s kinda repetitive

- You’re a Cad by the bird and a bee

Oh boy I’ve been hearing this one is about Virgil

First lyric screams “betrayal”

JAZZ VIBES YESSSSSS

A sort of ‘they’ll see through your lies’

“I should be better, but I’m worse” JANUS MISSES VIRGIL MY HEART

“You’re reckless with my heart, still I wait by the fire, I won’t ever get smart”

10/10 I added it to my playlist

- Denial by the Vaccines

Oooo dark vibes

“I know the world is in your hands” Janus calling out someone’s power?

“Please do my turn the light out, oh I don’t think the conversations over” Major SvS Redux vibes

Chill beats

The song is like someone speaking from your head and saying you’re denying your head from information

“I know where you want to go, oh I do, but do you?”

9/10, meaningful

- Mandy Goes To Med School by the Dresden Dolls

OOOOO MORE JAZZ VIBES

I love the piano in this song

I don’t even know what this song is about, I just think it’s neat

Her voice gets a bit annoying but then it gets good

“I’ve been dying to find out the hard way” idk but this lyric SLAPS

“I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it” (KILLER PIANO ENTERS)

8/10 to my playlist thing song goes

- Razzle Dazzle from Chicago

I’ve never listened to Chicago so here we go

Janus loves Jazz TM

“How can they see with sequence in their eyes?” ooooo

“Razzle Dazzle them and they’ll beg ya for more”

why does this seem like Janus telling Virgil he’s tricking everyone else with a friendly disguise?

I’m pretty sure this song is about prostitution

I know this song is supposed to be about disguising bland things with stupid amounts of show, but it gives off the vibe Janus is horny

6/10 just because I thought the song was SUPER repetitive

- Into the Unknown by the Blasting Company

I see over the garden wall (but I never watched it)

Same vibes as Come Little Children

“All that is lost is revealed” OOOO

Singer has rich voice I love it

7/10 I wanted more

- Don’t Tell Mama from Cabaret

Why do I get poor unfortunate souls vibes?

Song about lying about where you are (What Janus thinks Virgil is thinking?)

“I'm breaking every promise that I gave her, so won't you kindly do a girl a great big favor?” Major betrayal vibes

Lying to eachother is a big theme in this song

9/10 TO MY PLAYLIST YOU GO

- It Seemed The Better Way by Leonard Cohen

Again: evil vibes

DEEP VOICES

“Sounded like the truth, seemed the better way. Sounded like tha truth, but it’s not the truth today.” DAMN

This is more on the lying side of Janus

Violins are GOD TIER

7/10 I love the OoooOOOoooo-ing

- Talking at the Same Time by Tom Waits

Jazz Boys Assemble

Subtle trumpets, good beat

Again: MAJOR SvS REDUX VIBES

Kind of silent drunk ranting vibes

“You got to build your nest high enough to ride out the flood”

8/10 voice is annoying at points but it works well

- Anywhere by the Scarring Party

MORE JAZZ!!!! (Kind of Hadestown vibes)

I can’t understand the singer but it’s fun

Lots of dramas and flair

5/10 I couldn’t understand, but the music slapped

- Change by Lana Del Rey

I’ve never listened to a single Lana Del Rey song so this will be fun

Angst-y

“I’ve been thinking it’s just someone else’s job to care, but who am I? To try?” JANUS STOP BREAKING MY HEART

“Change is a powerful thing, I feel a coming in me.”

Janus would most likely try learning this song on piano

ABSOLUTELY HEARTBREAKING HOLY SHIT

9/10 Haunting, and I love it

- As Far as I Can See by Phantogram

Jazz/Techo? Hell yeah.

I really can’t tell if my phone is glitching of if it’s this song

“As far as I can see, nobody loves me. As far as I can tell, nobody loves you either.” OOP

“As far as I can see, nobody’s listening. As far as I can tell, nobody’s listening to me” SvS VIBES

7/10 confusing but catchy

- I Put a Spell On You by Nina Simone

afsgafafsha JANUS IS A HOCAS POCUS FAN

Jazz Vibes, I love her voice

“You know I can’t stand it, you’re running around” VIRGIL ANGST

6/10 I NEED MORE

- All the Good Girls Go to Hell by Billie Ellish

Fun Fact: I thought Billie was a male white 33 year old country singer until I heard this song a couple of months ago

“Once you get inside em, got friends but can’t invite em.” JANUS AND REMUS BEING CAST AWAY BY EVERY OTHER SIDE

“When the water starts to rise, and heaven’s out of sight, she’ll want the devil on her team” SvS REDUX VIBESSSSSS

“You’re cover up, is caving in, man is such a fool why are we saving him? Poisioning themselves now. Begging for our help? Wow.” I JUST ASDFGHJKL

10/10 I love this song for Janus, and I just love this song in general

- Evil Night Together by Jill Tracy

Man Janus just loves those jazz songs

Evil voices? We love it

“Let sway away the hours, let’s spend an evil night together” Janus, I just- I- why is he horny

“Who’s gonna make you a hero? Who’s gonna blow you away?” BETRAYAL VIBES

I just LOVE HOW THE MUSIC BUILDS TENSION

7/10 gets repetitive at the end, but I love this song

- Bladk Hole Sun from Scott Brandlee’s Post Modern Jukebox

Oooo is this jazz or classical

It’s jazz

Her voice is so beautiful

“Black Hole Sun, won’t you come, and wash away the rain?”

More major keys then other songs

INSTRAMENTAL SLAPS

10/10 I have no criticisms

- When the Chips are Down from Hadestown

Asdfashdhahesksksk I KNEW HADESTOWN WOULD BE HERE

Very different from the broadway version in voices, but I think it works for Janus

PIANO BREAK (jams)

“Aim for the heart, shoot to kill, if you don’t do it then the other one will” VIRGIL

“The first shall be first, and the last shall be last. Cast your eyes to heaven: you get a knife in the BACK”

8/10 I love this song but the voices don’t do it for me

- Devil in the Details by Bright Eyes

The voice? SLAPS

“Now you have your cake, don’t hesitate. Come on just do it.”

“There’s no backing out. This is gonna be reality, you can never dream it down.” DAMN

The strings? SLAPS

Angst TM

The guitar? SLAPS

“If there’s still time to turn around, I’m going too” SvS REDUX!!! VIBES!!!

Another 10/10

- Criminal by Fiona Apple

Evil jazzzzzzzz

“When a girl will break a boy just because she can”

Her voice is amazing, and it works well with the tone

“I got a lot to loose, and I’m betting high, so I’m begging you.” SvS vibes!!! (Not redux tho)

I really think Thomas, Joan, and Tayln knew what the fuck they were doing with this song and causing chaos with the Janus and Virgil shippers (yes they exist)

7/10 the ending wanted to be a fade out but it didn’t really work

- Trust in Me from the Jungle Book

Oh Jesus

Ooo opening just BURSTS through the door

Scarlett Johansson didn’t have to go this smooth but she did and I love her for it

MORE EVIL JAZZ

I like this take on the song, gives it more evil mom energy

10/10 I just- amazing

And that’s the end, Janus’ playlist overall is a 8/10

[agentmothman18]

Rapr

Being a science geek, Purple tended to do research on nights he couldn't sleep. Sometimes he would research things about space or what could possibly be at the bottom of the ocean. But tonight he decided to do human research and weird facts people dont know about.

One of those were about the pupils and how they dilate when looking upon someone you love. He found himself laughing at the thought, but he was curious to know if it was true. It would make finding someone to love you easier than it was.

Purple jotted down some notes and some reminders on a sticky note. He stuck it to his science notebook pulled off his red glasses. It was 1 am and Purple still had school tomorrow, which he wasnt looking forward to. They where having exams this week and tomorrow, or today rather, was history. His least favorite subject.

Turning his computer off, Purple got up and stretched his muscles. Being hunched over for so long really does a number on your body. Purple climbed into bed, fluffing his pillow before snuggling into his covers and closing his eyes.

One thing about Purple though, was that he tended to have restless nights. Nightmares kept him from ever getting good sleep. They were nightmares from his past, things that haunted him even to this day. Since he was an orphan, Purple's had plenty of foster parents. Most weren't to good to him. Until he was adopted by a woman and her wife. Gaz and Tak.

Gaz was the more scarier of the two, making sure Purple knew his manners and everything. While Tak was laid back, letting him do as he pleased. But Tak would discipline him if necessary. Purple was glad they adopted him, because they were the best people he could have ever wished for as parents. Plus, he got to make a lot of friends where they live. Like Zim and Red.

Purple woke to his alarm at 5:30 that morning. He always got up early to make sure he had everything and to get ready. Purple liked to look fashionable so that took up most his morning time. And sometimes he would were makeup, but those where only on days where he felt good about himself. Today wasnt one of those days, he was way to stressed about his history test to care about makeup.

"Momma G!" Purple quietly called, knocking on the already open door. Tak and Gaz usually left their door open because Purple would sometimes sneak into bed with them. Those where on nights when his nightmares got really bad. And when the doors where closed, Purple knew not to bother them. "You have work in an hour." He added, gently shaking Gaz to wake her up. Purple smiled when Tak groaned and wrapped herself around Gaz.

"I'll get her up in a few minutes, Pur." Tak hummed, her eyes still closed as she buried her face in Gaz's neck. Purple always thought they made the cutest couple, and he wished he could find someone like them.

"I'll make breakfast." Purple told Tak quietly, quickly leaving to work on that. So he cooked breakfast, pancakes for Gaz and eggs for Tak. He made himself some French toast, which was probably his favorite breakfast food.

Around 6:20 Gaz came down, fully dressed for work, and ate her food. She kissed Purples cheek, telling him to make sure Tak doesnt fall back asleep before he leaves, and left. Purple cleaned his dish and Gaz's, walking back upstairs to check and see if Tak was up and moving. She had a bad habit of going back to sleep when Gaz leaves.

7:30 rolled around and Purple had gotten all his stuff together. Normally he would pack his lunch but he kinda stopped after Red started bring him something instead. It was usually a surprise, but it always tended to be something he really likes.

"Pur!" Tak called from the front door, coffee in hand. Purple never understood how she could drink it black. It was way to bitter and nasty without creamer and a pinch of sugar. "Red's here to pick you up!" Purple quickly made his way downstairs, pulling on his favorite converses.

"Dont go back to bed momma T." Purple laughed, kissing her cheek and making his way to Red's car. It was a black Kia, simple but very nice. And the best part about it was the insides smell. Which was always roses and rainwater, something Purple suggested 2 years ago when Red got the car.

And thus, the rest of the day was pretty normal. Purple of course was studying his head off for the History exam he had after lunch. He practically knew everything that he needed to know, but that didnt stop him from worrying. Of course, Zim was the one to notice this at lunch time.

"Stop biting your lip!" Zim demanded, causing both Purple and Red to jump in their seats. Zim was very short compared to the two other boys. But he was the loudest. "No one will want to kiss you if you make them ugly." And he was very harsh too. Though Zim was a good, loyal friend to them. He means well, even if he comes off as an asshole sometimes.

"Sorry." Purple smiled in a guilty way, letting his bottom lip go. He honestly hadn't even noticed he was doing that. It was just a habit he did when he was stressed. So, to calm himself a bit, he tired to forget about it. Taking a bite of the salad Red had brought him.

That's when he remembered the note on his science book. Glancing around, he wondered who could be in love and with who. There where plenty of couples, but it would be weird to stare at them. He wondered if Red's eyes dilated when he was looking at his girlfriend, Jess.

So he tried to subtly watch the couple, who he actually didnt like being a couple. Jess was pretty new, only been here for two months, and Purple was already jealous of her. She stole all of Red's attention and tries her best to rub it in his face. Becuase at this point, it was kinda obvious Purple had a big crush on his best friend Red.

He watched as they talked and smiled, doing normal couple things. But as he watched, he noticed how Red would glance at him more than he thought he would. Their eyes met a couple times as well, both smiling a bit at each other. But Purple found himself not knowing whether to smile like an idiot or be surprised. Because every time Red looked at him, his small pupils grew bigger. Like they would after getting those eyedrops from the eye doctor.

"Red." Purple said, grabbing the boys attention away from the girl next to him. He watched as the boys pupils dilated once again, and the questioning look appear on his face. "Look at Jess then back at me real quick." He smiled, trying not to giggle at how confused Red looked. But even though Red was confused, he did as told, not knowing what this was about.

Purple felt butterflies erupt in his stomach at the possibility that Red may love him. But he also had to question if it was romantic love or friendship love. But he didnt care, because he was going to tell him. Via sticky note.

Quickly jotting down his little confession and why he asked for Red to do that, he got up. Folding the sticky note, Purple handed it to Red and quickly headed for History. The bell hadn't rung but he knew the teacher would let him in to study in peace.

By 7th period, Purple was regretting giving Red the sticky note. Because Red was his ride home and he may have ruined that. Because what if Red really doesnt like him like that and he confessed for nothing? That would completely embarrass him.

"Dont forget to read chapters 6 through 10." Mr. Dib called once the bell rang and his students jumped to leave. The only one not jumping to leave was Zim, who was probably going to harass the poor man again. Zim, in lack of better words, was a hoe. Of course, he wasnt, but sometimes Purple had to wonder. Because once that boy finds someone attractive, he tended to not leave them alone until he was satisfied.

"Zim staying back with Mr. Membrane?" Red questioned, falling into step beside Purple. Purple nodded, trying not to let his mind think of the sticky note.

"Yeah. I feel bad for Mr. Membrane. He never gets a break from Zim." Red laughed in agreement, knowing it was true. "I mean, sure he's pretty hot but Zim could get him fired." Purple groaned. He would hate to lose his science teacher, especially since Dib made the class fun. There was always a new story to tell or some cool group project they got to do.

"I'm sure that wont happen. The man should know not to succumb to a needy teen like Zim." It was Purple's turn to laugh then.

And things stayed normal for the ride home. Both just talking about the usual things and even some random stuff that pops to mind. It wasnt until they got close to Purple's home that the conversation turned to the sticky note confession.

"So my eyes really dilate when I look at you?" Red questioned, glancing towards Purple before looking back at the road. He didnt really believe that but he wasn't going to deny he liked Purple. Ever since Purple moved to their town 5 years ago, he's liked him. It's why he always does things to accommodate him. Like bring him lunch, stay up late when hes ranting about something, and even the air freshener in his car. They where all simple things, but they mean more than just simple friendly gestures.

Purple began to pick at his jacket sleeves, trying to think of what to say. He could say yes but that didnt feel like a good enough answer to him. Plus, maybe he was just imagining it all. "It could have just been a different lighting. But yeah." He said, nodding and staring at his lap. Purple could feel his cheeks heating up and his stomach do flips. He was nervous that Red would tell him he didnt feel the same as he did. Which, he wouldn't really blame him.

"I guess it would make sense then," Red began, turning down Purples' street. "Because I do love you." He admitted, glancing at Purple who quickly looked at him.

"You do?" Purple asked hopefully.

"Why else would I do the things I do for you?" Red laughed, pulling into Purples' driveway. He put it in park and looked at Purple.

Purple smiled, looking back at his lap. He always just thought Red was being nice.

"So, how about a date this Friday?" Red questioned, watching Purple smile like an idiot. Purple quickly nodded his head, unbuckling his seatbelt and hopping out.

"I cant wait." Purple said, closing Red's door and practically running to his house to tell Tak about this.

[fuckapuck]

Injured

Mikko Rantanen x fem!Reader

Warnings: none. A little sad though

This is my very first fan fic! I got this idea into my head and couldnt get it out so i had to write it up! Idk if its any good i certainly hope it is! Im posting this on mobile so idk how it will look posted. Sorry! Its kinda a long one

Mikko sighed as the doctor stitched up his cheek. It had been a rough game against the preds and he ended up catching a skate balde with his face. It was a nasty gash that went from his temple and on to the corner of his lip.

It hurt and he wasn't ashamed to say he cried.

Lots of local anesthesia and a few stitches later there was just a very dull throbbing in the left side of his face. Some one had come back to tell him the 3rd period started and he desperately wished he could be out there right now. He was taken back to the locker room told to keep his bandages dry and get cleaned up and changed.

He shed a few more tears out of frustration. He knew he would have to sit out a few games to let this heal a bit before he could get back out on the ice. He grabed his phone. He didn't have any texts or missed calls from (Y/N) as he expected. You were working tonight and wouldnt get off till almost 2 am, so you wouldn't find out about his injury until your shift was done. Hopefully. You hated that job and Mikko often told you just to quit and not to worry about expenses. He would take care of anything that was needed. He washed up and changed back into regular clothes. He couldnt wait to get back to the hotel and put on soft stretchy clothes.  He sat down in his stall and stared at his phone. Should he text (Y/N)? You were working and he didn't want you to worry. There was still had 5 hours left of your shift. He let out another sigh and hung his head as he shut off his screen.

His thoughts were interupted as whoops and cheers came from outside the door. It burst open and his teammates poured in. He smiled as much as he was able and was embraced by a few guys. Gabe and Z took their time talking to him making sure he was doing fine.

"I won't really know how I feel until I'm not numb." He joked with them. His mood was brightening as his captain and friends told the story of their victory. He ignored the pain in his chest for not being there.  That he didn't get to see it. 

The night continued and interviews were completed. He declined doing one until his face felt better. He was more than happy to use his cheek as an excuse to not talk to media. Normally he didn't care, but he just really didn't want to do it tonight. As the reporters cleared and the team finished getting changed Barbs came over and smacked him on the shoulder.

"Hanging in there Rants?" He smiled at the finn.

"Oh yeah, just a little out of it." He head was a bit fuzzy still but getting clearer and more painful by the minute.

"Nice. They must have given you the good stuff!" Barbs nudged him again and mikko felt more at ease. He could do this. The playful chirping of teammates. He didn't have to think about his face. The light hearted fun continued. Until his name brought his full attention back.

"Huh?" He blinked.

"I said I would help you get back into the single life!" Barbs laughed and a few other joined him.  A sudden unease took over mikko.

"What do you mean?" He questioned. The unease growing.

"This." mark poked his own cheek and nodded at mikko. "Gonna be single by morning!"

Mikko stayed silent and just stared. He felt like he couldn't breathe. The guys seemed to see that this particular chrip hit a sensitive spot.

"Fuck barbs! Shut up." Gabe hissed. Mikko zoned out and found himself trapped in his mind. It was a horrible injury to his face. He wouldn't look the same after this. He would be scarred. His mind was reeling and he didn't remember when he got back to the hotel. Only that he made it back. He was in mild pain now the medication wearing off. He hoped he could get to sleep before he could feel all of it. He changed his clothes in a daze and climbed into bed. He stared at the ceiling trying to get to sleep but he couldn't. He just kept thinking about you.

How you would smile at him and kiss his face. How you would grab his cheeks and nuzzle into him calling him beautiful and handsome. His chest felt constricted and he threw the covers off of himself. He laid there as thoughs of you circled his mind. Your words that he so loved to hear now haunting him. You wouldn't think he was beautiful anymore. You wouldn't look fondly at him and caress his face. Would you cry when you saw him? Would you be angry at him for ruining his appearance? What would he do with out you? He heard his phone vibrate he looked over. You were calling him. He moved his eyes back to the ceiling. It stopped and a few minutes later he heard the message notification sound. He ignored it. He couldn't bring himself to see what you had to say.

An uneasey sleep came over him only an hour and a half before he was suppose to get up. He packed quietly and jumped when someone knocked on his door. He opened it to find his coach and a medic. They wanted to check on him.

He was sat down as the doctor went over how to clean and bandage it again. He handed him a bag of perscription pain killers and extra bandages. Coach had a hand on his shoulder. At the end of it he was told he would have to sit out for at least a week and then they would look at how the healing was doing and if everything was good he could go back to playing with a face cage until it was fully healed. Coach gave him some pats on the back and told him to take two or three days after they got back to rest. Take it easy.

He packed silently and watched his hands tremble. You wouldn't leave his mind. Your soft skin and gentle touch. Your laugh and your smiles. How he could always tell how you were feeling because your eyes showed everything. What would they show now? Disgust?

He loaded into the bus. Some of the guys came over to him but he pointed at his cheek and shook his head.  The bus arrived at the airport and everyone loaded into the plane. Taking their seat. He put himself buy a window toward the back. Gabe and Nikita sat by him. About 30 minutes in Nikita gently nudged him.

"What barbs said. It was joke you know. He did not mean it." He spoke softly to Mikko. Gabed turned towards them.

"He's right Mikko. You know (Y/N) would never do something like that." Gabe reassured. Mikko  closed his eyes and turned his head away from the window and looked at his two friends.

"Tell me the truth. If you were in my place, if this was your faces not mine, would your wives leave?" Mikko asked. His heart beating in his ears he needed the answer.

Nikita and Gabes eyes widened. Z looked down at his hands not saying a word. Gabe opened and closed his mouth trying to think of something to say. Mikko turned back to the window and felt tears stinging his eyes. Yes, they would. They wanted handsome pretty husbands and a scar like the one this will leave will not be pretty. The rest of the flight was silent between them.

Mikko couldn't help but think of the way (Y/N) normally greeted him when he got off the plane. She always tried her best to be there. She always would grab his face, kiss him and give him a tight warm hug. She would tell him that she loved him and promise a delicous home cooked meal. Would it be the same? Would she even be able to look at him?

The plane landed and he dragged himself off of it. They approached where the WAGS would normally wait, but he couldn't look up. He was so afraid that if he did, you wouldn't be there.

He felt a nudge and looked to Nate who nodded his head forward. Mikko looked up and there you were. You were smiling but it was different from normal.

Mikko walked up to you and almost had to hold back tears as you embraced him. It felt just as tight and warm as it always did he felt one hand so very softly touch his uninjured cheek.

"Lets go home okay?" He couldn't look you in the eye. He walked silently by your side and held your hand loosely. There was no kiss. No usual excitement. He felt his world becoming smaller. Maybe if he asked nicely you would let him hold you one last time before you left him forever.

The car ride was quite on his part. Your gentle voice talking softly about little things that had happened in his week away. He couldn't muster up the courage to say anything to you. Afraid it would be the last thing he would ever say to you.

You pulled into his spot at his apartment and attempted to help with his bags But Mikko carefully took them from your hands and carried them himself. The two of you went up to his place. He put his bags on his bed and started to unpack. You came up beside him and started to help. He wanted to object but couldn't. Time passed and soon everything was unpacked and the two of you were sitting on the couch. (Y/N)  kept a small one sided conversation going and Mikko mearly stared on.

"What would you like for dinner?" You asked, but Mikko said nothing.

"Mikko? Why won't you talk to me love?" She asked gently and her small, soft fingers gently brushed his uninjured cheek. Suddenly he couldn't help it anymore. It was too much. Why were you still being kind to him if you were going to leave him? He began to cry. He couldn't stop it. Instantly you were there. Holding him and comforting him with kind hands and words. He almost let himself relax into your warm body. But he couldn't. It was too painful.

He stood up abruptly and stared down into shocked concered eyes.

"Just do it already! Stop playing with me and do it!" He tried to sound stern but he just sounded broken.

"What are you talking about? Do what?" You asked and went to reach for him. Mikko stepped back out of your reach.

"End it. End it like you want to. I know you do. Just leave me already and stop making it hurt!" Mikko practically shouted. You stared at him with wide hurt eyes.

"Leave you? Why would I do that?" You asked your voice shaking. Mikko couldn't look at you.

"This," he pointed to his bandage, "my face will be different and ruined. I know you want to leave me. Just do it." He ended quietly and weakly.

"Do you honestly think I'm that shallow?" He could hear the pain in your voice. He just shrugged. "Mikko Rantanen you will look at me right now!" You snapped. Mikkos head shot up he eyes locking with yours. He saw pain and anger in those eyes.

"You listen to me right now. I love you. I have loved you since I met you. Not because of your face, but because of you. How you treat me and talk to me. How you make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world when I know I'm not. I would never leave you because of an injury! For fucks sake you are a hockey player! Injuries and hockey go hand in hand!" You yelled and got closer to him. "I knew what I signed up for when I started dating you. I'm in it for the long haul and I won't be leaving just because of a scar!" You jabbed him in the chest with your finger and crossed your arms. You deflated a little the anger subsiding and hurt remained.

"Do you really think so little of me Mikko?" You barely whispered out your arms dropping to your sides. Mikko couldn't take it. Your pain and saddness. His doing. He moved suddenly and wrapped you in his arms the good side of his face against the top of your head.

"No. No I don't. I promise. I love you. You are the best woman in the world. The kindest and most wonderful and beautiful. I was just scared. The boys said - " mikko rushed out. You had relaxed against him but the quickly pushed away and look up to him with anger in your eyes.

"What did the boys say?" You ground out. Mikko explained Barbs chirp and Gabe and Z's silence on the plane. Suddenly you weren't in his arms but pacing the living room as he watched on fondly.

"Those stupid little- UGH! Let me tell you if their wives ever find out about that they will be pissed. Fuck! They will give them some scars to worry about. Those absolute idiots! And I'm going to kill barbs. Those kind of jokes aren't funny. I'm gonna kick his ass! I'm going to practice tomorrow and im gonna beat him with his hockey stick!" You ranted on furiously. Mikko just laughed and came up and wrapped his arms around you.

"Please don't kill anyone. I'm very sorry my love. I am very very sorry." You again relaxed in his arms and nuzzled into his chest." I got worried and to into my head and then you didn't kiss me and-"

"Kiss you? Mikko I didn't want to hurt you! Your mouth was injured too not just your cheek!" You laughed at him in exasperation. Mikko blinked down at you.

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh.'" You rolled your eyes, and leaned Into him, "I love you mikko and I won't stop." You pressed your face into his chest and his grip tightened.

"I love you too" he swore to himself not to doubt you again. And felt secure in his knowledge that you loved him.

"I am gonna get barberio back though." She warned. He chuckled and press a very soft kiss to her head.

"I know."

[ldarchive]

oc interview meme~

The rules: Answer the following questions as your OC of choice.

I chose Ari. The thing is, Ari hates talking to reporters -- if you hit on the right topic you might get an impassioned rant out of him (see: that scene in ME2 where Shepard starts listing all the ships that went down at the battle of the Citadel), but generally he’s pretty tight-lipped and brusquely Professional. So for this meme I sorta imagined him in like a semi-formal environment where he’d be more comfortable, like maybe if one of his friends was interviewing him or something... I’ve put too much thought into this, whatever!!

1. What’s your name?

Ari Shepard.

2. Do you know why you are called that?

I never got the opportunity to ask.

3. Are you single or taken?

Pretty sure it’s common knowledge that I’m married. The krogan guests at the wedding wanted to eat the reporters, but my husband said no.

4. Have any abilities or powers?

I used to run into stuff really hard for a living. Not sure how much of a talent that counts as, but they keep putting me in the news vids anyway.

5. Stop being a Mary Sue.

Hey, Kaidan told me about that while we were watching Star Trek once! Really not sure I count, though. I’m just some guy. And not fictional.

6. What’s your eye color?

Blue.

7. How about your hair color?

Blond. Well, black. Usually somewhere in-between that.

8. Have any family members?

Sure, lots. My semi-successful diplomacy career did very little to prepare me for family reunions at the Alenko commune.

9. Oh? How about any pets?

We have a dog. Laika. Her adoption papers told me she’s the goodest girl in the whole galaxy. She’s a purebreed, I--we needed a dog with a certain temperament, you know, they’re very carefully vetted. But she’s not spoiled. OK, I can feel my husband rolling his eyes at me: she’s spoiled. But only because she’s earned it. Kaidan named her.

I have a lot of fish, too. They’re more high-maintenance than the dog, believe it or not. 

10. That’s cool, I guess. Now tell me something you don’t like.

Uh, sitcoms. People on public transit who look at me funny. Reporters, especially if they try to bug me when I’m with my kids. Seriously, cut that [redacted] out. Distance. Uh, politicians--heh. I could go on. 

11. Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do?

You know, I’m an alright cook. I make a mean pot of soup. Yukagejang is a big comfort food in my house--it’s an old recipe. I usually make a big pot for the kids if Kaidan has to go away on business, but then he’s sad because he doesn’t get to have any. Heh. I grow a lot of the vegetables myself, too.

I have a music collection, too. Physical media. Very old-fashioned, but I lost a lot of my files some years back, and some of that stuff I was never able to find again! That haunts me. There was this one Batarian band... anyway, I’ve been hesitant to add more to it because our home is slowly being overrun by a frankly unsustainable number of kids.

(Editor’s note: Commander Shepard and General Alenko have two children.)

12. Have you hurt anyone in any way before?

I beat Garrus at a sniping contest once. I don’t think he’s ever forgiven me for that.

13. Ever… killed anyone before?

I feel like answering this would violate some sort of military doctrine or Council non-disclosure clause. I really don’t need the Spectres after me - I’m married to one, and that’s bad enough. 

14. What kind of animal are you?

Well, my name means “lion.” I’ve never given that one much thought, but the recruitment posters got a lot of mileage out of it.

Something I heard a lot during the Reaper War, and the aftermath, was that people felt like caged rats. Or their culture’s equivalent. That the Reapers were treating us like filthy little vermin to experiment on and then exterminate. But, you know, I’m from New York, so I’ve always known that rats are mean little [redacted] and that they can absolutely bite back. 

15. Name your worst habits?

...I’ve been a smoker most of my life, so I guess my worst habit is that I’m too damn persistent to give up on anything.

16. Do you look up to anyone at all?

Well, my husband is the only human Spectre. Pretty cool gig, right? Very inspiring of him.

...I think Captain Anderson was the first person whose respect I honestly wanted to earn. That was near twenty years ago, and... that hasn’t changed.

17. Are you gay, straight or bisexual?

I’m gay. If you’re trying to ask me out, formal inquires can be sent to General Kaidan Alenko, c/o the Garneau Academy of Biotics, Vancouver-- 

Kiddos, if you’re reading this ten years from now, that was a joke. Also, don’t you have anything better to do than read old interviews about your dad? Finish your homework.

18. Do you go to school?

I’m self-taught with most things. That sounds more respectable than a straight “no,” doesn’t it? I guess this is where I would I say I went to the school of hard knocks, if I was someone who wasn’t funny. Got some pretty remedial tutoring when I joined the Alliance, but that’s about it, unless you count ICT -- which, actually, yeah, I think ICT should count. 

19. Ever want to marry and have any kids one day?

I already did. Didn’t think I would, honestly, but here I am. Life takes you weirder places than you’re even capable of imagining.

20. Do you have any fangirls/fanboys?

There’ve been a few. I appreciate the sentiment, but... heh, actually, no, I don’t.

21. What are you most afraid of?

I think the benefit of having survived a major war is that we have the option to not let fear run our lives anymore. That being said, I’m afraid of the usual mundane stuff. I don’t think it’s very interesting to hash out.

22. What do you usually wear?

I think I dress pretty practically. Durable clothing is great if you’re in the military or are just being assaulted by two toddlers daily. And if you buy everything in monochrome it always matches... Kaidan’s mom really hates that.

23. What one food tempts you?

Anything spicy. Spicy noodles. There’s this great noodle stand on the Citadel we still eat at, but they’re not paying me for an endorsement and I don’t want people crowding me out, so you can figure out the name yourself. It’s the ultimate hangover cure. Not that I would know.

24. Am I annoying you?

Yes, but luckily I’m too polite to say anything.

25. Well, it’s still not over!

I’ve got a hungry dog at home, you know. And two children.

26. What class are you (low/middle/high)?

I spent the first part of my life totally penniless, so it’s weird to say I’m towards the higher end now. It is something I try to be mindful and make good use of... it’s just nice not to have to worry about feeding or clothing my kids. Beyond that, a lot of it goes to various charitable causes. And, well, my husband’s hair gel budget.

27. How many friends do you have?

Too damn many, honestly. You ever tried hosting a party for dozens of people with dextro/levo options, biotic-proof furniture, and enough room for multiple krogan? It’s not easy!

28. What are your thoughts on pie?

You haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mom’s--Kaidan’s mom’s--apple pie. But luckily I married her son and not you.

29. Favourite drink?

Coffee and red wine. Water. Whiskey isn’t bad either.

30. What’s your favorite place?

I’m boring now, so I’ve come to appreciate quiet places and being alone. Well, alone with my family, but they don’t count.

31. Are you interested in anyone?

I would not voluntarily wear a three-piece tuxedo and invite a bunch of people to gawk at me telling a guy I love him unless I was really, really interested.

32. That was a stupid question…

Just a bit, yeah.

33. Would you rather swim in the lake or the ocean?

There’s something about lakes that still kind of skeeve me out. I’m a city boy, so I always feel like I’m going to step on a leech or something. The ocean is nice, though, I grew up on the water. You couldn’t swim in it unless you wanted radiation poisoning, of course, but it was nice to look at. The beaches here on the west coast are pretty fun and not majorly toxic as far as I’m aware.

34. What’s your type?

I guess I’ve always dug the tall dark and handsome thing. Don’t tell Kaidan that, he’s obnoxious enough already.

35. Any fetishes?

Nothing I could talk about in an article my kids might read one day while avoiding their homework.

36. Camping indoors or outdoors?

I don’t think camping “indoors” is really a thing. That’s just staying in a house. Come on, don’t say you’re going camping if you’re going to be a lazy [redacted] about it.

[massmurdera]

2018 best (and some worst)

2018 was the shittiest year of my life personally and I was a trainwreck almost instantly. I was real hopeful going in, but I got my heart broken as badly as I could get (and it somehow just kept getting worse). Ugh. It’s boring to articulate, but it was a never-ending Russian nesting doll of heartbreak, disappointment, and frustration. But I made more positive changes in the last 12 months than I did in the last 12 years. So that’s something.

TV Funniest go-to show: Desus and Mero (wish they didn’t go on hiatus when they left for Showtime) Favorite shows: 1) Big Mouth 2) Atlanta 3) Killing Eve 4) Bodyguard 5) Haunting of Hill House

Other shows I enjoyed: American Vandal; Homecoming; Americans; GLOW; Better Call Saul; Succession; Cobra Kai; Kominsky Method; Corporate Meh: Barry; Sharp Objects; Who Is America?; Daredevil Favorite Comedy specials: 1) Rory Scovel 2) Bert Kreischer 3) John Mulaney

MOVIES 4 ½ stars: Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse; Sorry to Bother You 4 stars: Quiet Place; Hereditary; Mission Impossible: Fallout; Blackkklansman; Deadpool 2 3 ½ stars: To All the Boys…; Incredibles 2; Game Night; Revenge 3 stars (solid rental): Game Night; Upgrade; Revenge; Ant-Man; Hold the Dark 2 ½ stars (OK rental): Black Panther; Avengers Meh: Love Simon; Support the Girls Probably Good but bored the shit out of me: Roma; First Reformed; Eighth Grade Hated: Mandy; Ballad of Buster Scruggs 

STILL NEED TO SEE: Bad Times at El Royale; Bodied; Creed 2; Death of Stalin; Favourite; First Man; Free Solo; Green Book; Halloween; If Beale Street Could Talk; Minding the Gap; Solo; Star is Born; Vice; Widows

MUSIC Favorite Records: 1) Brian Fallon-‘Sleepwalkers’ 2) Story So Far-‘Proper Dose’

1975 has great songs but they have too much filler in their records. Damn good songs: Foxing-‘Nearer My God’; Wonder Years-‘Pyramids of Salt’; Thrice-‘Beyond the Pines’ PODCASTS Favorite Podcasts personally: -Filmdrunk Frotcast (Movies/comedy) -Dollop (history PLUS comedy) -Bill Burr’s Monday Morning Podcast (one-man rant from the best comic alive) -Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend (comedy + conversations) -Rewatchables (Movies/comedy) -Bill Simmons (conversations) -Pardon My Take (sports + comedy) -Chapo Trap House (leftist politics + comedy) -Press Box (media) 

Intercepted’s takedown of George HW Bush is great. That show and Citations Needed has its moments. I think if you’re a historian/leftist, the best podcasts are Hardcore History or Common Sense (Dan Carlin), Citations Needed, Intercepted, Chapo Trap House, and the Dollop. Dan Carlin is the one you can enjoy if you’re on ANY political spectrum—and the Dollop is not too far behind; that’s truly the most special when it hits.

Other: My Favorite Murder; Revisionist History; Matty + Nick; Hound Tall; We’ll See You in Hell; Binge Mode: Harry Potter; Bertcast/Open Tabs; Gladiator: Aaron Hernandez

Re-listening to Walking the Room for the 3rd time; that’s my favorite podcast of all time. Late pass: ‘Embedded’ series on Trump is amazing. Doesn’t come out often but when it does? Fascinating and goes in on Trump stories that don’t get talked about. Podcasts I’d recommend: In the Dark; RFK Tapes; Slow Burn (S2 on Monica Lewinsky scandal is great)

‘In the Dark’ is by far the best. S1 in 2016 I prefer over S2; check out both.  Podcasts I’m going to check out: Crimetown: Detroit; Serial S3

Vince Mancini (Filmdrunk/Uproxx) has an annual best list on the best investigative/true crime podcasts each year that are the best lists I’ve seen. Best Dollop Episodes of the Year (must-listens on serious subjects): Donald Trump; the Resnicks: Water Monsters; George HW Bush; John McCain; Wells Fargo; Erik Prince & Blackwater 

The above subjects deal with subjects to be genuinely outraged about versus faux things to be outraged about everyday (Russia; Louis CK or what a comic said) and the way the media talks or ignores subjects completely. The way it’s done is so great (Dave reading a topic coldly while his friend interjects with commentary—and then in the end coming together with a South Park-esque take on what the fuck is happening)

Other: Feinstein and the Flag; Levittown: the White Suburb Funniest episode of the Dollop:  1908 New York to Paris Car Race (live w/ James Adomian). Hands down the funniest. Dave purposely saved a great one for the fucking great and underrated James Adomian.

I can tune in and out of some Dollop episodes, but when it goes in on a subject or has a particular guest, you know it’s going to hit.

BOOKS Favorite book: City of Thieves by David Benioff Late pass great: ‘Slaughterhouse Five’ Pretty good: ‘Devil in White City’; ‘Lexicon’ Meh: ‘Sirens of Titan’ Hated: ‘the Bell Jar’

Best twitter follows/online writers: Justin Halpern; Drew Magary; Brian Grubb

BEST EVENTS: 1) Gaslight Anthem 59 Sound 10th Anniversary 2) Boston Calling: the National, Menzingers, Queens of the Stone Age, the Killers 3) Bert Kreischer @ Wilbur: near front row 4) Bill Burr @ TD Garden 5) Pats-Titans playoff game

Biggest regret and disappointment: Moving my ‘ex’ into my friend’s house in January (with the hope that I’d be living there half the time too)—only for her to end up wanting NOTHING at all to do with me that same day after I helped her unpack out of nowhere, threaten suicide in a non-joking manner in front of her new roommates and my friend after a political argument at the end of the first night she moved in, get with someone we work with behind my back almost instantly (a bland and lame cokehead who got busted for cocaine 18 months prior and faced 7 years in jail), try to fuck my friend when I was mid-conversation with them both first time seeing her 3 months after it all ended—and for her to eventually date my friend’s roommate who my friend warned me would try and fuck her but I didn’t take seriously because I thought he wasn’t good looking, tiny, just vaped all day long, and kind of a douche. Cool. Awesome.

I mean, that’s a simplistic breakdown of it all and how I feel about it when I’m angry. It’s more complex and fucked up than that and I could write a book on it to elaborate my thoughts, good and bad. It’s genuinely heartbreaking to articulate it and I withheld that from her:  part of the reason why I moved her into my friend’s place (she didn’t know him or anybody) was because I wanted her in my life and didn’t want to lose her. Instead, it felt like I locked myself out of a party, I’m banging on the door and it’s cold outside, but nobody hears me. It’s just that feeling constantly. At the same time, it’s also very simple: she just wasn’t that into me, valued me, gave a damn, respected me, or cared. It’s NOT as angry or mean as it sounds. It just is what it is. Do NOT move the person you’re seeing into a friend’s place. If it doesn’t work out, make sure you can get a clean break. Oh, and probably do NOT date at work if you can until you know one of you is leaving (or, in my case, she leaves 10+ months after it���. I fucked both up and it’s been impossible to move on. Thankfully, she just left work 2 weeks ago and there’s less anxiety, mental work (thinking about her all the time which I still do but it’s not on maximum overdrive) and tiny heartbreaks each day. I mean, I was devastated when she told me she was leaving and there was finality. I miss her and have missed her all this time, but it’s a good thing: there was nothing I was getting out of it. But still: why did she say yes to moving into MY friend’ s place if she was just going to do a 360 heel turn, be an asshole and resentful towards me out of nowhere, never bother seeing the place I moved into/what I did with it?. Just a disaster of my own creation. I like to think in time I’ll get over it all and move on. I highly doubt I’ll ever see or talk to her again. I refuse to ever go back to my friend’s house for a variety of reasons and I had those thoughts even before the Cinco de Mayo party, but definitely after. I just don’t belong there and it hurts. And I know she’s uncomfortable too if I’m there even if she says otherwise.

Best thing personally: my brother got married, his wedding, friends, and my family. It’s cool to see my brother have his life together, be married into an awesome family, and meet a nice girl. I’ve seen my brother have his heartbreaks, but it’s nice to see him finally have peace and consistency. He’s got a really great house near where the Pats play (closer than where we’d park to games), works 4 days a week and makes bank too. 

BIGGEST CHANGES I MADE moved out to a place of my own in late January-it’s my uncle’s 3-decker, which he intends to pass on to me. So I’m saving $ by being here and it’s decent. The drawback is that it’s 3rd floor and inhospitable during the summer when it’s an oven with no windows where they should be to put an AC unit in (I just stayed at my parents: I would have toughed it out but I desperately need sleep for school). But yeah, I’m over 30 and needed a place of my own. I’d love to live in Boston, but it’s completely fucking unaffordable unless you work 2-3 jobs.

One annoying thing: my driveway gets egged EVERY day since May. We have fake cameras, but pretty sure it’s the next-door neighbor and not some punk kids on their way to school. It is enraging. Who eggs a house everyday? And it’s literally only my car or the lady next to me, not even close to the street. I keep on looking at the trajectory of the eggs and it’s fucking ridiculous. Luckily, because of school (and because I was away during the summer), the egging doesn’t happen until after 8-10 AM.

I’m 10 minutes from my parent’s place (halfway to my workplace and gym as a cut-off place), 5 minutes from the school I attend, and centrally located to things I want to be (Boston, my brother, Cape Cod, possible job changes or to where I intend to move if I can)… went to school to be an electrician-In school 715 to 1245 Monday-Friday. Pain in the ass schedule and tiring, but a big change. I suck at being handy. Most people are sons of people in the trade or went to trade school. Then there’s me: never picked up a drill or a hammer. But I’m working on it. 

I mean, the job IS risky (it’s not an office job) and any job outside of going back to school for a master’s or doctorate to get ahead (I fucking tried!) requires backbreaking manual work that breaks you down in most cases (construction, plumbing and smelling bad to even fixing cars where I hear that breaks your body down). Being an electrician seemed like the least of them all unless you want to be a linesman stuck outside no matter the weather for National Grid or down in manholes—because they pay REALLY well (most people in class actually want those jobs without reservations). I’m fine with being paid pretty well while enjoying myself. I’ll stay away from something monotonous like solar panels or being on a roof all day though.

Jiu-Jitsu-did this for 3 months and loved it. Had to take a break because I can only do weekends and it’s expensive. And I’m too exhausted for 9 AM class come Saturday. After a 6 AM to 12AM schedule M-F, I just completely fucking crash come Saturday. I fully intend on going back and doing yoga too when I finish school in July. 

Most people start doing jiu-jitsu because of Joe Rogan. My answer got a laugh. ‘Yeah, I wanted to try something new. Also, I watched John Wick about a 100 times.’

Therapy-post ‘break-up’ I realized I needed help. I spent a month in February not being able to fall asleep (maybe 24 hours sleep in 3 weeks) before I finally got meds. About a million waking nightmares (holy shit that’s a thing). Constantly crying, particularly on the weekends without her, separation anxiety and just anxiety that did not go away at all: a constant weight. We had a Jim-and-Pam relationship at work, even when it was over—but once she started dating my friend’s roommate, she distanced herself more than ever and it was just fake as fuck. I was frustrated with not finding a job to not passing a test that I studied my ass for 3+ months for that would allow me to leave my job AND the girl. They threw in shit that was not on the study guide at all in the test. Blah. I punched a hole through my bedroom wall (like they do in the movies) and fucked up my hand a bit. 

But yeah, I’m working on my confidence, following through with my goals, challenging myself, making adjustments, facing fears, getting over my anxiety, relationships. I’m proud of how, even without therapy, I handled the girl who was cold and distant: I was ALWAYS warm and welcoming, had a good attitude about it with her. It wasn’t a point of pride to be that way; I just was. If I was around her, the hurt just kind of all faded, however briefly. In the back of my head I wanted to light her the fuck up for how she was acting or NOT acting, but I just didn’t. But it’s hard. I am depressed all the time, but not nearly as overwhelming as I was. I’m really lonesome—and I want to reach out, but I don’t know to who a lot of the time. I feel left out and it’s hard to maintain relationships, but I am trying. It’s hard at 32 but people fade away. You think you’re wiser and more mature that it won’t happen, but it does. It’s just harder to make friends, I guess. I ruminate all the time and think too much. I’m trying to be mindful and in the moment. But I keep on thinking about all the things I’m NOT doing or the things I’m waiting for to happen. But there’s always going to be that. I am doing a LOT and the changes aren’t coming all at once. I like my therapist (I had one when I was in 5th grade and again when I was 19: I didn’t like them: finding a therapist that fits you is the biggest thing)

I realized a lot of the problems I had were patterns even going back to the heartbreak I felt at 18-20 when I was the worst mess I ever was. It wasn’t the girl who broke my heart, but it was me. I should have been better and stronger far before I met her. I wasn’t really living I don’t think. In some ways, I gave up and was sleepwalking through things. But everything I thought I was past just bubbled to the surface. And I had to get it right, something needed to change, and I needed help.

I withheld my problems from everybody because I didn’t want to be a burden. I especially did NOT want to be depressing but I think I became a burden for the girl who broke my heart. She had nothing to give and she was upset at me for talking to her at work and being cheerful, telling stories, or anything. Secretly, I was a mess and it was painful. In a way, I was denying myself and that made it worse.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think I’m that big of a mess. I might be lonely, but I got a good head, attitude, and people generally like me. I make people laugh easily and without trying. I got a lot going for me and I got support.

Tattoos -got the lighthouse tattoo I always wanted since I was 18. I didn’t believe a tattoo artist could carry out my idea. Liked the tattoo artist so much that I stretched it out into a full sleeve. I want to do more and have some ideas. We’ll see.

Other-new car; collecting board games; got tour posters and Pats memorabilia framed WORST POLITICAL: the chaos that comes with Trump-Well, that hasn’t changed. I’ll hate the GOP/Republicans and that goes without saying. I have some small hope with people like Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, but I don’t have any faith in the Democratic party at fucking all: they will rather work with Republicans than work with people who actually want to make an actual change. You kind of just realize how shitty a party they and Obama were and how they are bought/paid for and resistant to any meaningful change. We are fucked.

LOOK AHEAD TO 2019: -finishing school in July and starting new career as electrician -cousin’s wedding and going to Las Vegas for a bachelor party (I’m more psyched for the awesome house we are staying in than Vegas itself) -Pats playoff run and possible end of Brady-Gronk: I’m not hopeful, but I’m going to enjoy my favorite Boston athletes of my lifetime. Couldn’t ask for anything more from them. I just wish Bill Belichick did a better job as a GM and not fucking up nearly every draft since 2006 besides 2010 and 2012. They’ve won 5, but feels like Belichick cost the Pats 3-5 more minimum. Every year you have Tom Brady, you’re in the AFC Championship or Super Bowl. Belichick and Patricia mailed in the Eagles Super Bowl on defense. WTF was that? -doing jiu-jitsu, yoga, taking up swimming, continue following through on my gym program: my goal is to delay having a bad back as long as possible. I’m in the best shape of my life by far, so that’s good. I want to cut some of my gut weight out though: when I bend down to put on my work boots, I feel it. -more tattoos? -dating again (I am struggling so BADLY with online dating and need to work on having better pics: I can’t get a single match/date) -looking at buying a condo or home. I’ve got about $100K saved up and just slowly collecting things in my apartment for the big transition. Still would like to see where I end up working. Ideally, I’d love to have a lake house somewhere decent and centralized.

BOOKS: -Don Winslow wrapping up cartel/border trilogy -new Gillian Flynn?!? -Marlon James’ African Game of Thrones trilogy begins -Stephen King

TV 1a) Desus and Mero returns 1b) Game of Thrones final season 2) Veep final season 3) Lovecraft Country 4) Watchmen 5) Stranger Things 6) Good Omens 7) Devs 8) Fosse/Verdon

NEW: City on a Hill; Deadwood movie; Star Wars; Veronica Mars

MUSIC -Boston Callling -new: 1975, Bruce Springsteen

MOVIES: 1) Once Upon a Time in Hollywood 2) John Wick III 3) Us Toy Story IV 4) Fast and Furious: Hobbs and Shaw OTHER: Avengers; Captain Marvel; Glass; It 2; Joker; Lego Movie 2; Spiderman; Star Wars; Under the Silver Lake; Where’d You Go Bernadette; Zombieland 2

[thumper-darling]

Yo those Q's are cute will u do me a solid and do all of them?

1. what colors are in your room?

Dark orange, cream, and gold

2. who was your favorite school teacher?

Basically every English teacher I’ve ever had. 

3. what are some passions of yours?

Writing, reading, watching films, eating sushi, and being around the people that I love 

4. when you drink coffee, do you like it black or with cream and sugar?

already answered in a separate post

5. are you self-conscious about anything? if so, what?

e v e r y t h i n g 

6. do you have any tips for self-love?

already answered in a separate post

7. do you have any stuffed animals? Do you name them?

I have a stuffed rabbit and a stuffed fox. The rabbit is named Alice and the fox is named Cadence.

8. do you like drawing or painting more?

doodling is where it’s at 

9. how do you sleep?

not well

10. what are some things that always make you smile?

already answered in a previous post

11. living in the city, mountains, small town, or out in the middle of nowhere?

city living is where it’s at 

12. what's your dream house?

A really cozy apartment or a loft? that’d be fun. Or a colonial fashion house with a yellow exterior and cobblestone accents. 

13. how many pets do you wish to have?

3. I have my dog now, but I also want a german shepherd and a calico cat. 

14. have you ever dyed your hair? do you want to? what color?

lol yeah, I’ve had almost every damn shade of red and then got too tired of doing that so now it’s just dark brown. I wouldn’t mind dying it some sort of turquoise or emerald green? That’d be fun 

15. what's your opinion on keeping a diary?

It’s great for looking back on the good times 

16. what's your opinion on keeping an art journal?

HONESTLY they’re beautiful and I encourage everyone to try to have some form of creative outlets

17. any art tips?

You are asking the w r o n g person my dude

18. talk about a moment where time stopped

time is an illusion anyways so why does it matter?

19. do you keep playlists for your music?

HECK YES I’m honestly a whore for sectioning songs off into playlists

20. is there anyone out there that you trust with your life?

Idk, my sister?

21. are you your number one priority?

N O 

22. do you always type correctly or do you make millions of typos?

Not usually unless it’s my annoying sister or somebody that is bothering me 

23. recommend some music!!

Daft Punk Boys by Bad Suns

Growing Up by Phil Good

Helena Beat by Foster The People 

24. are your nails perfectly painted, chipped, or plain?

P L A I N 

25. do you believe in wishing on a shooting star?

For sure, but I’m not sure it actually does any good 

26. did you see the eclipse? describe it!!

no :’) 

27. tell us what you love about nature

It’s spontaneity and damn are trees pretty

28. who are you? describe yourself!

My name is Becca, I’m 17, a hufflepuff & a scorpio. I’m allergic to seafood, and bunnies, but I love both soooo. My favorite childhood movie is All Dogs Go To Heaven and my favorite Superhero is Spider-dude. 

29. what type of music do you like, and why?

Alternative/ Indie pop 

30. what's your favorite clothing store? why do you love it so much?

Charlotte Russe because it has high quality clothes in my sizes 

31. thrift stores or name brand stores?

Both? 

32. do you like wearing your s.o clothes?

BITCH WHAT SIGNIFICANT OTHER :’) 

   yes

33. when did you start tumblr? why did you decide to?

because I wanted to get to the source of da memes 

34. what's your face care routine?

try not to cry when I look in the mirror :’) , and if I do cry I use my tears as a moisturizer 

35. freckles or dimples?

F R E C K L E S 

36. name something you think should be banned from the universe

Tronald J. Dump 

37. tell us something you did as a kid that you loved

I loved to catch frogs and I read a lot of books homie 

38. mom or dad?

mom 

39. do you buy expensive things just for the aesthetic or do you actually use everything you buy?

I literally don’t use any of the things I buy except for clothes damn I have a problem 

40. tell us about something you're strongly opinionated about

I already answered this in a previous post

41. do you take peoples advice or do you have to figure things out yourself?

I ask for advice from multiple people, and then I sort of find a part of all the advice that has common ground and try to apply it to my situation 

42. bra or no bra?

no bra 

43. would you rather be cute or comfy?

HONESTLY COMFY IS CUTE SO HECK OFF 

44. tell us about a moment in your life where everything went just perfect

I don’t remember 

45. do you believe in anything? aliens? god? bigfoot?

I’m a Sasquatch bitch. Also, aliens are out there soooo 

46. how much water do you drink a day?

Not enough @doctormelapples

47. how do you feel about your natural hair?

I miss it. I used to have some curls in my hair, but I dyed it so much that the texture of my hair changed a bit. 

48. what does the sky look like right now? clear? cloudy? pink? blue? rainy?

It’s a very light blue with some spaced out cloud placement 

49. would you be a prince or a king? princess or a queen?

None of the above, that’s too much pressure 

50. tell us about your favorite outfit!

Off the shoulder gray knit sweater with black ripped jeans

51. name a few things you love about yourself

My eyes, my freckles, my humor, my creativity, and my determination 

52. are you open-minded?

Yeah my dude 

53. do you judge? could someone come to you in any situation they're in and you not judge them?

I really try not to be a judgmental person, but everyone has flaws and it’s definitely one of those things that I’m working on. 

54. do you like planning ahead?

I HAVE TO 

55. tell us how you feel about school

stop

56. talk about your first pet

A small orange cat named Angel. She was satan i swear to god 

57. chocolate or strawberry milk?

chocolate 

58. were you/are you in a fandom? if so, what?

A GOOD AMOUNT 

59. spotify, pandora, or itunes?

I’m a spotify kinda bitch 

60. favorite disney princess movie?

The Princess and The Frog 

61. favorite disney movie

Bolt 

62. what's a subject that you think people don't talk about enough?

English 

63. how long does it take you to let your phone update?

Idk, 20 minutes? 

64. describe the fifth picture on your phone!

A blurry tree with string lights hanging from the branches. Taken at 2:04 am, August 16th, 2017 

65. favorite movie and why?

I hate this question because I am a film enthusiast and honestly I love too many movies for such different reasons 

66. do you watch studio ghibli? what's the first one you saw? what's your favorite one?

Not really, I just never got into studio ghibli movies 

67. you're home alone. describe how the setting is. music? what kind of music? tv on? what show?

Music: loud

TV: on

Movies: playing

bra: off

Food: eaten 

68. how often do you say "i love you"?

Too much and not enough 

69. do you have any weird things you obsess over?

p e n c i l s 

70. do you like being single or do you wish you had a partner?

depends on the day idk

71. what's the last drink you had?

a caramel macchiato 

72. talk about the easiest person to talk to

she’s a real ass bitch and all around classy gal 

73. give us some of your favorite blogs!

@doctormelapples, @parkersenses

74. if you could have one wish, what would it be?

Wish for free college and a successful future thx

75. do you sing in the shower?

It’s best for everyone if they never know 

76. how often do you shave? or do you wax? or do you not shave?

I shave according to my outfit choice 

77. tell us about a habit you wish you could stop

I wish I could stop tapping on everything 

78. do you listen to your own advice?

No, I’m not a stable person thx 4 asking 

79. do you love yourself? if not, are you trying to?

It’s a work in progress

80. tell us about your favorite halloween!! what did you dress up as? did you get a lot of candy?

When I was younger I used to have these poppin halloween parties and one year I had a haunted house and dressed up as a haunted doll it was fun tis all 

Also, I was late to my own party 

81. first memory that pops in your head, talk about it.

First day of school in my junior year. I was late and have been late every first day since then.

82. how are you? what are you feeling? how has your week gone?

I think things are going well 

83. rant.

It’s almost impossible for me to rant? So thank you, but no thank you 

84. do you worry about something a lot? if so, what?

Already answered in a previous post 

85. do you think long distance works?

I’m sure it works for the right people 

86. would you date someone younger than you? older than you?

Yeah, I don’t really mind dating a bit out of my age range as long as our mentality matches?

87. name some people you'd love to meet

Tom Holland thx 

88. what were some things you were scared of as a kid?

My older sister’s scream mask and knives 

89. tell us about your favorite birthday

My friends surprised me with a birthday cake and a bunch of presents during my school lunch and the cafeteria sang to me?? I had v good friends. 

90. how is high school?

It was definitely a journey 

91. tell us the worst pick-up line you've ever heard

None of them because I have never had a pick-up line used on me. ehhhhh 

92. every been groped or catcalled? how'd it make you feel? what did you do?

People can be disgusting and they don’t understand that your body isn’t there just for them to touch, so fuck that person who thought it was 

93. opinion of feminism?

F E M I N I S M IS THE F U T U R E 

94. tell us about a time you got embarrassed

Today in class when I was late :’) 

95. ever had a pregnancy scare? tell us about it!

jinkies 

96. tell us about your best friend

All she talks about water but it’s okay because she’s pure and beautiful

97. what's your opinion on planning your life out?

I mean, it’s nice and extremely helpful to have a timeline or a potential outline for how you want your life to turn out. But don’t expect everything to go according to plan?? Like, just leave a bit of wiggle room in your future for unexpected adventures. :) 

98. describe what you think afterlife is like

energy cannot be created nor destroyed 

99. talking on the phone or texting?

Talking on the phone because I’m lame as heck over text 

100. how do you feel about the way most teachers treat students?

alReADy ANswerEd in a PREviOus PosT 

101. what's a word you use more than others?

H E C K

heck

heckin

hecking 

[keywestlou]

KEY WEST RACIST?

No way in hell Key West is racist! The farthest thing from the truth. However there is a person who has ranted the words. Zohar Alon of the Orogold cosmetic shop on Duval.

He said regarding Key West: “They are a racist people. The whole city, it’s a racist city.”

To the City Commissioners and others involved I say…..Get this problem resolved and soon! It is not healthy for our city and its residents. Nor representative. We are the farthest thing from racist. We ARE One Human Family.

The police should be involved. Somewhere along the line I recall being told the problem was contractual and therefore a civil matter. Not criminal. Wrong thinking! Fraud is the essence of the matter.

Tennessee Williams spoke well of Key West and its effect on him. He was a Key West resident 34 years. He said, “I work everywhere but I work best here.”

The sunscreen ban is now law in Key West. Though it does not go into effect till January 1, 2021.

The City Commission voted 6-1 to ban the sale and use of sunscreens containing oxybenz and octinoxate in. The claim was those 2 ingredients are harmful to our reef(s).

The Commission has chosen, though I believe erroneously. Only 2 other places have instituted such a ban. Hawaii and an island named something like Palau. Key West has the distinction of being third.

A race to judgment. I believe the Commission found an increase in sun cancer desirable in order to make some contribution to saving the reefs.

The reefs began dying 50 years ago. The sunscreen ingredients disparaged only came out 25 years ago. Authorities exist claiming each side of the issue correct.This has been a race to judgment on the part of the Commission.

The Catholic Church! My Catholic Church! First, it was the priests abusing boys. Now it is priests and bishops sexually abusing nuns. Pope Francis recently announced the same. He has begun dealing with the problem.

Turns out many nuns have been subjected to abortions or giving birth to children fathered by priests.

The Associated Press claims the situation is “global and pervasive.”

My last night totally screwed up. Too much I wanted to do. Something had to give.

It was Syracuse/Florida State. Probably better that I did not get to watch the game. Syracuse lost 80-62.

I had a conflict at 9. My Tuesday Talk with Key West Lou podcast and the President’s State of the Union Address.

My obligation was clear. The podcast. I would miss the first half hour of the State of the Union.

The podcast went well as usual. Interesting topics. At 9:30, I ran to the TV set. I was able to catch the final hour of Trump’s address.

The State of the Union! More aptly described as the State of Donald Trump.

The State of the Union is made for Trump. Pure theater. His years in television would make him look good to those not listening to the words spoken.

The Republican Senators and Congress persons had their marching orders. Jump up and clap enthusiastically at every opportunity. They were too much. They ended up cheering many of Trump’s remarks that did not warrant their enthusiasm.

One commentator reflected that the Republicans jumping up and down and clapping reminded him of a Jack in the Box.

The hour I heard did not impress me. The same tripe heard last year and during his time in office. At one point I thought why am I watching this! I heard most of it before.

There was also the problem of truth. Lacking in many of Trump’s statements.

The President dizzily moved from one topic to another. Moved fast!

I sensed that last night was the beginning of the 2020 campaign.

A new campaign issue arose. I did not expect it. He found it. Created it. Socialism. Trump warned of the rise in socialism and that he was not going to permit our country to fall into it. He compared the U.S. to Venezuela in that regard

I suspect he had Bernie Sanders and the new Congress woman from New York Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in mind.

He made it clear he intended to end U.S. involvement in wars. Going to be a major campaign issue. He attached the war problem to investigations. It gave Trump his Nixonian moment when he said the U.S. could not maintain the success it has achieved under his leadership, especially economically, if we have wars and investigations. Stated with a bright smile on his face.

The immigration issue haunting him. He must erect some type wall.

His lies were most prevalent when discussing the wall and immigration. All kinds of bad things were and would be occurring because of the caravans coming north to the U.S., he claimed.

Difficult for me to accept as fact. Studies have clearly indicated that the number of illegals entering the U.S. today is the lowest since 1972. Dramatically so.

He claimed also that El Paso had been a community buried under criminality brought over the border by illegals. Until the wall was built. Now, the problem is way down. Criminality almost non-existent.

Another lie.

The Sheriff of El Paso issued a statement following Trump’s address that El Paso did not have a criminal problem before or after the wall was built. The President’s comments were erroneous.

Now that which I find hard to believe, but accept as true. Never the less cause me great concern.

CNN took a poll. Fifty nine percent of those questioned had a “very positive reaction” to Trump’s speech. CBS News, 76 percent.

I rose at 5 to begin today’s blog. Apparently a screw or something involved with my implant has gone astray. My teeth are moving. Dentist appointment later this morning.

Enjoy your day!

      KEY WEST RACIST? was originally published on Key West Lou

[thedesperatehousehusband]

You Named Your Baby What Now?

Naming a child is stressful. Parents tend to have differing opinions. Prefer different names. Have family traditions. Like a “junior” or the “second”. Middle names as first names. Middle names as the mom’s maiden name. Three first names like Zachary Ty Bryan or Jonathon Taylor Thomas.

I have already ranted about dubious spelling. The misuse of the letter “Y” is troubling and I view it as the precipice of the fall of modern society.

No, today is about old names. Because there are some old timey names that are popular and hip and cool. But others that have not really come back to the limelight. They don’t really roll off the tongue. I’m not consulting any sources for the names I will judge and discuss. So if I miss something that you like or named your baby, fuck off. If I dislike something you like, I don’t care. You have bad taste. If I dislike what you named your baby, make better choices.

1.      Owen – I simply and 100% approve. I love kids named Owen. Every little boy named Owen needs hipster clothes, cool little boy glasses and should be artsy.

2.      Oliver – Ditto the above but Oliver can also play soccer.

3.      Vivian – I approve. But only of this spelling. Unless you are French or from Quebec, spelling it Vivienne is pretentious and douchey.

4.      August (nicknamed Augie) – It is a very specific child who can pull this name off. Parents, watch out. You probably need to live in Portland, OR for this to work. No kid named Augie is going to make it in Wyoming.

5.      Violet – Any trend that can be attributed to Jennifer Garner is a trend I can wholeheartedly support. I love Violet Affleck.

6.      Clarence – This old man name isn’t coming back into fashion any time soon.

7.      Ethel – Another old lady name I can’t see making a comeback.

8.      Elsie – I feel like I heard about a baby named Elsie recently. I’ve got mixed emotions. I had a great aunt named Elsie. I believe she was 100 when she was born. This is a child that is likely doomed to have rheumatism and wear crocheted shawls. Proceed with caution. But I fully condone this as a name for a dog.

9.      Lucy – Very cute.

10.   Lucille – Less cute.

11.   Maude – I don’t know if anyone is naming their baby Maude but I support it. I applaud homages to Bea Arthur.

12.   To that end….Beatrice – I’m torn. I think it could work. But, like Augie, any little girl named Bea is going to need to possess a lot of confidence. However, Beatrix is off the table. Not an option.

13.   Bernard – Very few have the chutzpah to pull this off. Unless you are born a Jewish grandpa and go by Bernie.

14.   Same with Morty or Saul.

15.   Chester – Nope. There’s far too much poetry and limerick shit that will haunt this child for his entire life. Nothing good can come of this.

16.   Homer – I think I can build a campaign for this one.

17.   Max – I love it. But just Max. Maxwell is a bridge too far and embodies someone who wears ascots and owns yachts. Nobody likes that guy.

18.   Percy – Make it happen.

19.   Bruce – Not an amazing name. Though I do love “Bruce Wayne” and “Bruce Banner” but RIP “Bruce Jenner”.

20.   Florence – I’m leaning towards no. But I had a great aunt Florence who made the shit out of some homemade caramels that she wrapped in waxed paper. Personal connections to these names matter. But it may be tainted by Flo from the Progressive spots.

21.   Bertha – Like Chester for boys, this name is wrought with issues. Big Bertha is a golf club for shit’s sake. You can’t name your baby after a golf club.

22.   Mabel – Sort in the vein of Elsie, it could work or it could be a miserable failure. This child probably needs to be a free spirit and belong to a grocery co-op.

23.   Clara – No offense because I believe this name is in use in the real world of today but this is a name for a cow.

24.   Bernice – It’s not working for me.

25.   Wayne – I have very strong feelings about the name Wayne and they are not good feelings. They typically get me riled up. Don’t name your baby Wayne.

26.   Walter – I’m almost OK with a kid named Wally. But Walter is just very, very old doddering man-ish.

27.   Stanley – It’s just not good.

28.   Ralph – There is nothing redeeming about anyone name Ralph. Don’t trust anyone named Ralph. Ralph will TP your house and poop in your yard.

29.   Melvin – No. Just no. It will never make a comeback.

30.   Doris – Totally appropriate for a 65-year old woman who enjoys the forgiving fashion available at Chico’s. Not an infant.

31.   Marcia/Marsha – See above.

32.   Frances – I can convince myself this could be cute. Frannie or Fran are fun.

33.   Rhonda – I mean this to be directly judgmental. Nothing implied whatsoever. Rhonda is at the top of my list of trashiest names of all time.

34.   Rita – I think a kid could pull this off. I really do.

35.   Ruth – I think this one is on the cusp of being trendy.

36.   Wanda – I have known very few people named Wanda but the one I remember most is a woman from CK in Chicago. Rightfully so, she was referred to as Wicked Wanda behind her back. Terrible name.

37.   Shirley – Don’t you dare call me Shirley. Leslie Nielsen said it in Airplane. Heed the warning.

38.   Donna – Despite Tori Spelling playing the character of “Donna” on the original Beverly Hills 90210, I have never met a Donna who isn’t currently pushing 70. No one in 2018 looks into a stroller (or what is now apparently referred to as a “travel system”) and says in baby talk: “How is sweet little Donna today?”

39.   And finally the piece de resistence…..Let’s talk about Linda. One of the most popular names in the 1950s. Making every person named Linda 65+. I’ve been hot on this topic since last season on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt­ when Titus dated a guy who had adopted a baby and named her Linda. Titus was baffled and said how he could not look into a crib and say Baby Linda. I agree. It’s a great name for a mom who had her kids in the late 70s or early 80s. Had a sensible haircut, drove a Dodge Caravan and made a fair amount of casseroles. But in 2018 I cannot imagine naming an infant Linda. So of course I am tormenting my work BFF and favorite co-worker (Marisa). She is currently preggers and having a girl. She and her husband are not sharing the baby name until she’s born so I have taken to calling the little one Baby Linda. I put it in emails. I say it out loud. It’s potentially annoying but I find it hilarious. Because you can’t name a baby Linda.

These are my thoughts. Take them. Leave them. If just one person reconsiders naming their baby Bertha then my work here is done.