#this is the most i’ve overshared on here lmao but we ball

[ashwithane]

happy 5th anniversary, fire emblem three houses!

i didn’t have time to do anything super elaborate, but i’m glad i could at least make some simple drawings of how i looked when the game released vs how i look now. i tried to give them a similar vibe to the in-game portraits haha

rant below about my feelings right now because there’s a Lot to say! content warning for mental illness and childhood trauma 🫠🤙

as you can see in the drawings, i’ve come a long way in the past five years. when three houses first released, i was a deeply insecure high schooler who never dared to speak up or express themself. i struggled with self worth issues and had long since begun developing ocd symptoms as a result of the fear i had that there was something wrong with me, something i couldn’t possibly know or change but that everyone would see if i made a single wrong move.

throughout high school, and my adolescence as a whole, i had a hard time connecting with people. but when i played three houses, i connected with the story, the characters, the ability to replay it again and again and always try something new, change characters’ classes and find new paired endings and discover the little details i hadn’t noticed before. i was playing three houses the weekend after covid lockdown was announced, and i remember talking to one of my friends about this cool game i’d just started my second playthrough of. we laughed and talked about the game, figuring that lockdown would only last a few weeks, and then things would be back to normal.

lockdown was difficult for me, as it was for most people. but at the same time, not going to school in person meant i could afford to let my guard down. i could afford to unmask, and discover who i was when i didn’t spend every moment in fear of what others would think. and so when lockdown ended, i started college still timid, but somewhat more familiar with who i was inside.

and then, one day, a thought hit me out of nowhere.

“am i trans???”

and thus began the journey of self-discovery that was my first summer after college. i started using the name ashe, started using any pronouns and later switched to just they/them. i also finally got up the courage to tell my parents i wanted to get tested for autism, and came back with that diagnosis to explain almost everything i hadn’t had the words to understand before.

recently, my mental health has gotten worse. i got diagnosed with anxiety at the same time i got my autism diagnosis, but nobody told me i have ocd as well until earlier this year. things took a nosedive for me over this past school year—i stopped taking risks, barely left my college campus, barely allowed myself to put effort into social connections out of fear that i’d be forcing people to put up with me. but through therapy and medication, i’ve been working through those feelings, and the fears my brain internalized as a result of the way i grew up: feeling like something was wrong with me, but not knowing what. today, i feel pretty good! i’ve been having more and more good days, so i’m overall optimistic about what my future holds.

to bring this back on topic, fire emblem: three houses has gotten me through countless tough times, and has been immensely helpful in figuring out who i am. so in honor of the anniversary, i’d like to give a special thank you to the characters who have been the most important to me over the past five years.

ashe: i’ll start with the obvious. ashe is the character i stole my name from, so of course he will always hold a special place in my heart. in addition to that though, ashe’s earnest personality and commitment to doing the right thing is immensely inspiring to me. he proves that it’s possible to make mistakes and grow from them, that your life isn’t over after one misstep. ashe has taught me to never give up on doing the right thing, and being the best version of myself i can be.

felix: this list would not be complete without the scrunkly of all time! obviously i find felix to be a very compelling character and fun to write, but his significance to me goes beyond being a writing muse. i’ve often thought that i wish i’d had a friend like felix when i was younger, and even now—someone who would drag me into situations i found stressful and encourage me (in his own rude way) to have confidence in myself. someone who would have stood up for me against the people who treated me like i was lesser. felix inspires me to fight for what i want, his shield symbolizing the ability to make your own choices for what and who you defend. he reminds me that there’s no glory in being a martyr, and so i shouldn’t make my well being a second priority. i love you felix and i’m sorry i put you through the horrors regularly (but not sorry enough to stop).

marianne: it’s probably concerning to say i see a lot of myself in marianne. her journey is incredibly inspiring to me, especially now as i see that the past five years have taken me along a similar path to hers. marianne starts out thinking she’s too different from everyone else to deserve a life like theirs, and condemns herself to crushing loneliness all to avoid the possibility of her hurting the people she loves. and yet she learns to live for herself, realizes that her mere existence doesn’t cause any harm, and learns to embrace her right to enjoy life. i hope to have the same strength she does, so that one day i can reach that point as well.

linhardt: no joke, i realized i was neurodivergent because of linhardt. so many of his lines and support conversations made me go “ha, he’s so autistic/adhd coded!” i made these comments repeatedly, but i also kept noticing all the little ways in which i related to him. linhardt was one of many autistic people who made me go “huh, i do that too! what do you mean that’s not normal???” his character also serves as a reminder that it’s okay to take a break once and a while, and that looking after myself doesn’t mean i don’t care about others.

if there’s one thing left to say, it’s thank you. thank you to ashe, felix, marianne, linhardt, mercedes, sylvain, ignatz, hapi, yuri, hell—my oc rowan, all the characters i’ve connected with and loved so deeply over the past five years. thank you fire emblem three houses, not for being the only reason i am where i am today, but being a major part of it nonetheless. and if anyone’s still reading, thank you for making it this far, and happy timeskip! 🎉

[kindahoping4forever]

Happy New Year!

I wasn’t planning on making a New Year’s post but I'm emo rn and scrolling past a few on my dash made me want to say a quick something. 2019 was a weird year for me. It started off bad and then kind of tapered off and peaked around a dull meh (and that got kind of bad again the past couple weeks). Maybe in the future I’ll see it as transitional but right now I can’t see what I could possibly be transitioning into so it just kind of feels like a throwaway year.

The honest truth is being on this website was my favorite part of 2019. Loving this band is my favorite thing to do, I would’ve been doing it regardless but it is so much more fun and rewarding doing it while being surrounded by other people who feel the same way. At the beginning of the year, I would come here for fun and distraction. But now at the end of the year, in addition to the fun and distraction I’m also lucky enough to get to engage with people, whether it be the friends I am so grateful to know or reading people’s tags or comments on my posts or the occasional ask. This is honestly all I wanted when I started this blog just over a year ago and I could not be more thankful for the experience I’ve had so far.

So first off, if you’ve sent in an ask, reblogged, followed or interacted with me in any way this year, thank you, thank you, thank you. You have no idea what it’s meant to me. (And if we haven’t interacted, let’s! If you’ve seen my posts, you know I’m always down to overreact to anything and everything lol)

Next up, my GC crew: Ashton’s Queens (@irwinvalentines​ @starwarsmccaffrey​  @babylon-corgis​ @ashtonangst​ @finesos​ @calumhood-imagines​ ) and formerly 5SOS Angels now 5SOS Sexy Bitches 😂 (@calumamongmen  @beefstickirwin  @dontdoitluke @myloverboyash @calsophat @bumblebet-20 @burncrashbromance ) I love talking with y’all and my year would not have been the same without you.

@ashtonsunshine​ @sexgodashton​ @cxddlyash​ @cashtonasfuck​ @h0tsos​ I love seeing you on my dash and I love talking to you even more, let's please do that more often in 2020.

Lastly I specifically need to thank the people who I talk to just about every damn day, whose messages I stay up way too late responding to and yet am still thrilled to wake up and see more from. (My insomnia + friends in different time zones = the real OTP of 2019)

@wastethen8 Ayla, I can’t even remember the last time we talked about the boys, now we just share our lives and I think that’s awesome! Thank you for messaging me and becoming my first fandom friend, almost one year ago now!  🥺

@glitter-cal Jen, it's been so much fun getting to know each other and legit one of my favorite memories of 2019 was getting your frantic messages after your Ashton moment at Jingle Ball. (I'm not over it yet, are you? 💪🏼) I'm looking forward to SO much more Scientific Research in this coming year!

@pxrxmoore BETH so much of my time is spent screaming at and with you that your name autocorrects to all caps. These past few months wouldn't have been nearly as much fun without our daily breakdowns over Bro Things and 🥳🥳. I love you (even if your choice to bring back Coachella!SOS still haunts us to this day) and I can't wait to meet you and Lucy this year! May 2020 be the year we finally answer the question: who needs sticks?

@feliznavidaddycal Rach, our bond was forged in thirst (#CalNipplePiercings2020) and has quickly evolved into one of the loveliest, most supportive and understanding friendships I've had the pleasure of knowing. I love messaging you and knowing you'll understand exactly how I feel whether it be about doctors being the worst, bodies being dumb or any of the COUNTLESS Cashton concepts we kill each other with on the daily. Literally as I’m typing this you’re ruining my life on two different social media platforms and I could not be happier (or more distressed) lmao.

@cal-puddies I've never been more happy that I overshare in my tags because that's how this wild ride started. And then I Kool-Aid Man'd my way into your messages and neither of our sleep patterns were ever the same. 😂 There's no one I'd rather stay up all night spinning elaborate headcanons with and you're honestly still my favorite writer. Here's to a new year of lane checks, murder blurbs and discovering even more random things we have in common. The picture says it all. 🤜🏼🤛🏼