#this is the longest post in the world

[jedivszombie]

today is a really shitty and difficult day and i hate it and how it still makes me feel. this is going to be an anxiety fuelled incoherent stream of consciousness about stupid shit. but i need to get it out otherwise it will eat me alive and i’m sick of not being able to process shit and feeling like the heaviest person alive. 

two years ago today my uncle died of cancer, a few months after he got diagnosed with lung cancer (apparently a rare form, but honestly we have no idea). this would be shit in itself because it’s always shit when someone dies and it’s especially shit when it’s a relative. but, as some of you who have known me for a long time/have followed me here for a long time, my relationship with my uncle and my dad’s whole side of the family was/is strained at best. there’s a lot of bullshit i’m sick of regarding how they feel about my mum and how they feel about my dad’s life choices and their weird idea of what a family is. 

before my uncle died i hadn’t seen him since i was 12. in those 11 years, and tbh quite a few of the years before, i was witness to the ways in which he could be extremely selfish and cruel to my parents. when i was growing up he didn’t care too much to learn about me, he preferred to talk to my brother as they could talk about football etc, and we shared awkward interactions until i turned 16 and got into politics where he decided that i was an Adult worthy of conversation. quite a few times as a kid all the way through to being an adult he upset me greatly as he accused us as a family unit of being shitty people and not having a relationship with my grandparents. 

the year he was diagnosed my dad and him had started to patch up their relationship a bit, as dad had work in poland where my uncle was living, and he had said my uncle was changing a little bit. in the july he got diagnosed but he didn’t tell any of the family until the beginning of october/around my birthday - he had his reasons i partially understand but also honestly don’t think i will forgive him for and i hate myself so much for that. my dad and his parents went to visit them around halloween and he was very gaunt and not well at all. 

as soon as we found out he had cancer, in october 3 months after being diagnosed, i knew straight away that it was worse than he was letting on - don’t ask me how i do not know. i also knew that he would die before the end of the year. my dad and his parents were v much in denial when they visited him but the photos of my uncle were crystal clear for me, he looked skeletal and very sick. not even a month later he was dead. he collapsed after a walk with his dogs and his fiance called my dad early in the morning, he went to hospital, by the end of the day they pronounced him dead and he never woke up. my dad got on the first plane to poland but he was too late. 

when my mum called me to say that he was in hospital and that it didn’t look good i completely broke. i then ended up going to a concert with my friend but when i got home mum told me he hadn’t woken up and that dad was staying in poland to help with funeral arrangements. 

i instantly went into older sister/protection mode and let myself like have one night of grief and then tried to make sure i was strong for everyone. this lasted until his we went to the crematorium and the subsequent funeral in poland where i openly sobbed, feeling very guilty and embarrassed because who was i to react this way??

i have felt, and still feel, very mixed emotions not helped by the fact that everyone we met in poland said he talked about us a lot and how he had been wanting more of a relationship with us. i mainly feel guilty for not trying hard enough, for also being an adult and choosing to not pursue a relationship with him on more than a phone call at christmas for my dad’s benefit. i feel guilty for spending a lot of my time cursing him while he was alive and then feeling i had the right to grieve someone i did not know. i feel guilty that i did not know him. i feel angry for feeling like i’m making his death about me. i feel angry that my dad has refused to process any emotion regarding this. i feel angry that he knew what was happening to him and he didn’t try to reach out. i feel angry for not properly processing this ever and just burying it deep with every other fucking thing. 

for me it’s worse that i didn’t know him, what am i mourning? who am i mourning? i feel like i’m mourning the potential of a relationship. he was complicated, i am complicated, and i hate that this has messed me up to this extent. i hate that i never talk about it because i hate bringing people down or feeling like my shit is all i ever talk about. i hate how heavy this has made me feel. i hate how i’m making this about me. i don’t think this is something i will ever be over and i hate that. i have lost people, death is nothing knew to me. but this, this just came along and added to the pile of things i have allowed to destroy me. 

my reaction to what happened to grosjean yesterday was exactly how i reacted to my uncle dying and it colliding with his anniversary just tipped me over the edge. today is a shitty and difficult day and i hate that i’ve been mad at my dad on this day and i hate that i don’t give myself a break and i hate how much this all is making me hate myself. 

[gumiracle]

"rapey this series is so rapey i dont understand how you guys can watch this ew" wow!!!! good for you!!! you have higher morals than us because you refuse to watch a show that has conflict!!! or characters with flaws!!! because the sakamaki's dont treat yui like a petite little princess, that means that theyre all rapists!! even though youve only seen 30 minutes of media, you know everything about the characters and you can tell that they are absolutely rapists and they have no excuse for their actions. you know that, even though its never been explicitly said that theyve done a single sexual thing to yui. you know that because youve seen no nudity in the show so far, but obviously rape has take place. but that raito guy seems like a rapist because he giggles a lot and stands close to people. also he uses the word 'bitch' and that makes him an enemy to women. ayato is fine though!! even though he literally calls yui no tits. thats fine!! wow, what a guy.  what is the definition of rape anyways?? do you know?? i sure dont, gee. whatever those vampire guys are doing, for sure!! "woah, shuu is the only one worthwhile, what a cool guy, saving yui like that!" golly gosh, i think you sure are right!! shuu, what a cool cat, what a pal. he treats yui nice all the time!! sure. i mean, since you know everything about all the characters even though youve only seen two 15 minute episodes of a fairly large series of media types, you should know all about how shuu treats yui. like maybe, hey, do you remember that time in the versus cds?? no?? what!! how could you forget!! haha. you know, that one time that shuu blindfolded yui and cut her up with a knife?? to get her blod to taste bitter? :))) that was so fun and consensual, and gentle and nice!! thats why he's the best character. wow. i cannot believe raito calls her a bitch i cannot believe "the main character seems really stupid and bland. pancake haha hurr hurr durr actually shit in my fucking mouth im still stuck in my mary sue phase and i cant deal with a female lead without ripping her character apart because i have the emotional and social maturity of a toaster" hey there pal u sure have a lot to say!! wow, yui, what a stupid girl shes sooooo dumb, lets outline her dumb actions. just the first episode though, okay? >gets sent to live in a house a house by her father >no one answers, oh no!! i guess maybe i should leave, but i dont have a ride or anywhere to go... i should persist, excuse me!! >oh, the door is open, goodness! its a fairly big house, so maybe theyre somewhere else! >a boy, is he sleeping? hes cold!! oh god, he must be dead to be that temperature i must call 911 (what the fuck did you want, did you want her to immediately know he was a fucking vampire?) >wow ok so that just happened. i do not quite understand. here we have some terrifying boys, but i have had no experience with vampires in my lifetime, because they are fictional, and should not exist. i am going to try and maneuver out of the situation without any physical confrontation, because i know i could not win if faced with 6 literal actual fucking vampires. of course, that doesnt fucking work. >all i know about vampires is what is written in novels. i think, considering i am religious, which you should know about me, because, well, you know everything about the characters and their personalities and stories, i think that a cross and prayer beads would be effective against them > woah its not??? what a surprise!! lets try to run away, because that is my last option in this situation of course that doesnt fucking work, because, as youve seen, they move really, really fucking fast!!!!! their mansion is huge, she doesnt know the layout!!!! and for everyone fucking moaning and complaining that she should just leave, and that she shouldnt 'let' the boys treat her that way, where the fuck have you been??? if she took even so much as a glance at the door, her neck would be broken. and just this is getting wordy but, a quick message to everyone in the world who hates raito because he's... 'rapey' ayato tries to drown yui because she looks at the moon and not him reiji whips yui 2 or 3?? times because she /bumps into shuu in the hallway/, also he has a lot of fun poisoning her kanato stabs her in the leg with a fork because i cant even remember the reason it was so trivial. he makes her eat raw liver, i think, because he sucked all of her fucking blood and she was so weak she needed to eat, so he gave her uncooked liver, and when she was too shaky and dropped the fork on the floor, he started screaming and stabbed her in the thigh with it. i cant even remember what subaru did because i honestly dont fucking give a shit pt sure he choked her? but which one of the brothers hasnt amirite haha shuu?? holy shit you all treat him like a white knight, not only does he have that fucking knife thing, but you all forget that he makes yui undress, makes yui dress him, etc etc.what the heck?? nothing that raito does is anything worse than any of the other brothers i dont understand why you all pick on him?? and you act like hes just inexcusable i just look up his past OK for just a fucking nanosecond google it do some research i hate you i hate all of you