#this is the life I've chosen to live
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i think i found my people
#sorry having a small town queer finally makes friends living in the city moment over here#i just. give people my chosen name and they use it. if i put in one iota of effort even strangers gender me correctly#my course director recognized me from the stage i took in the summer and saw that my name didn't match the legal documents#APOLOGIZED FOR DEADNAMING ME. and said there's a procedure to get my uni credentials fixed even if i haven't legally changed anything yet#I don't think I've ever been so comfortable in my life#fuck I'm gonna cry
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KILL!!!!!!!!!
#my post#this is so mean. why did i make this#but also....... the gun is in your hands now#i'll admit that it's my fault for putting the gun in your hand... however i've no say in what you choose to do with it#will you pull the trigger and accept whatever happens from now on? will you give yourself into the role forced upon you?#no one will know anything if you don't say anything. there will be no consequences or repercussions to this choice#but you will know. and you will need to live with that knowledge for the rest of your life#a gun not fired is like an itch not stratched#in the end i have no control over what you do... but free will is a funny thing#the brain is very susceptible to suggestion... everything we see and experience will remain with us in some way#if that's the case then how much control do we really have in our lives? how do we separate what we really want vs what we're told to want?#things like hunger... desire... they're all things the body asks for. but are they things that we truly want?#or are they merely a mechanism built into us for the sake of survival?#everything blends into everything. your past actions will inform your current actions. you're the only one who's ever lived your life#you're the only one who will ever live your life#little variables and experiences we all share... but the order varies greatly from person to person. everything is just a series of events#the way i see the world is different than the way you see it regardless of how similar they are#what choice will you make now? and how does it differ from the choice you would've made a week ago? a month? a year? does it differ at all?#does free will truly exist? i think it does... but not in the way most people think it exists#you and i... we might differ on that thought. or we might not.#regardless of whatever i've been rambling about right now... refusing to make a choice is still a choice you make. life is ironic like that#does one of them really have to go? that's for you to decide now#i've merely chosen to put the gun in your hand. to make you aware of the possibilities#so i hope you realize what power your choices have#dca fandom#daycare attendant#yeah sometimes i just say things that i think are deep but they're really not#i hope the choices i make have an effect on others. even if it's just one person...#if i can make even just one person think about something they wouldn't have normally thought about then isn't that a win?#life is a series of choices... ''it'd be great if you could see a figure of light by the time you die'' ��
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have realised all my current comfort media is about people escaping big cities and building lives they love and finding their people in small mostly coastal communities....... much to think about........
[ID in alt text]
#heartwaves is a new self-published v queer romance novel about a 40-something community centre worker opening a bookshop on the oregon coast#so so soft i loved it anita kelly's books are brilliant#i'm not feeling burnt out and alone! nuh uh!!!!!!#the irony is i do live in a small town on the coast but i can't drive and i live with my parents#and with my year abroad and uni i've not been in the town much since my family moved 2 years ago#and people who know me here know me through my parents#but i didn't like the anonymity of my fairly big city life last year#gah i just want to be gently embraced by chosen family while looking out at the sea is that too much to ask 😭😭😭😭#schitt's creek#heartwaves#anita kelly#the house in the cerulean sea#thitcs#stardew valley#sdv
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Currently studying the 'Trafik!' video frame by frame instead of sleeping
#käärijä#joost klein#trafik#i'm really doing this#i'm trying to get frames that would be great as wallpapers#I know I'll have massive dark circles tomorrow#but that's the life I've chosen to live rn
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oh to have time to write loser teens farmers!maxiel,,, instead im stuck listening to people talk all day of things I do not have an ounce of care for
#this is the life I've chosen to live ig#farmer!maxiel au fic posting soon (a month? maybe two?)#farmer teen!maxiel have my heart actually#daniel ricciardo#max verstappen#maxiel#ao3 writer#ao3 fanfic#maxiel fic#ao3#max/daniel
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duuude i never thought it would be this bad that i literally saw art of my trio. joking around and laughing and having fun. and not immediately smiling and being like yeah this is silly theyd do this. something is clearly wrong
#if the things that are supposed to make me happy dont make me happy then what the fuck do i do#this is not very nice of a joke to play on me brain i need to distract myself#i've been far too connected with reality for too long this past 2 weeks i need to disconnect and sink into the internet#i need to take in as much as i can before it all gets banned#i am so so so incredibly pessimistic and i do not believe that much will get better#but goddamn it it's not like i have anything else to do but live#things wont get better but death can't be that much of a salvation i'm sure#i've experienced enough satisfaction and happiness in my life to not want to end it#even when this seems impossible to get through and horrendous#i've seen a small glimspe of what freedom tasted like at least. at least i grew up with it#UN and biden if you can hear us do something pls..... pls....... a recount MIGHT do something but like. what could it really do#i really doubt a recount will do much. sure there was voter fraud and people's votes didn't get counted#but like. maybe 20 million people really just didn't show up. maybe they actually didn't do as well campaigning as we thought#it was either live in nazi germany or live a normal ass fucking life and nazi germany was chosen#but whatever i guess. not like anything i'll do to go against it will be listened to. just gotta pack up my stuff and get back to work#i miss the murder time trio#now would be a good time for them to fufill my wish of killing me i thinn#tricule rant
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I had a dream that I had found another Mark Twain song like the New Battle Hymn of the Republic
But it was written in vegetable pizza--all my favorite vegetables, mind--and I was trying to eat it... but it wouldn't all fit on my fork. And I said to my mom, "If I had to rate this song on a scale of Fuck You, 1-10, it would get an 11." And I think I was probably right
And then I tried to remember the words to the New Battle Hymn of the Republic, but I can only remember the first and the last
Mine eyes have seen the orgy of the launching of the sword
He is searching out the hidings where the strangers' wealth is stored
He has loosed his doomful lightning and with woe and death has scored
His lust is marching on /
I have read his bandit gospel writ in burnished rows of steel
As ye deal with my pretensions so with you my wrath shall deal
Let the faithless son of freedom crush the patriot with his heel
Our God is marching on!
I used to know all four verses. I used to sing them in my 20s while I was doing yard work, back in my 20s when I could still do yard work. That seems... like another life, now. In a way that makes the world tonight feel like the unfinished dream, not what I just saw
Anyway
Happy July ig
#fuck#Back in my 20s when I could still do yard work#back in my 20s when I still thought I'd be living the career I'd chosen then today#that I'd be teaching US history in a community college#and damn the textbook the school assigned#paying forward the change in direction that my cc gave me#that I'd still have publishing authority#and at least one labor history book out by now#using the acid pen Twain had given me and my mentor always let me get away with#not be fighting for the government for access to the health insurance I've paid into my entire working life#with my memory and dignity in shreds#happy disability pride month#if anybody remembers the middle two#do let me know#im disappointed that i dont#i do remember they end in#his night is marching on#and#lo greed is marching on
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i'm having more side quest ideas
#so there is a religion of sorts that's built from the belief that dragons will one day return#and it's that group that sasha is 'warning' his subjects of and what he's blaming the quest on#he's all like 'oh no there's a sub group of Fanatics trying to bring dragons back from the dead you must stop them' but it's a distraction#ANYWAY#i was thinking about other religions that might exist across the continent#and then i was thinking of like. oracle types and the general idea of someone being Chosen#and having to live their life devoted to this one being/idea#and then i thought of freya and her love of knowledge and the way she literally goes through and edits the books in the library#how at least once a week she makes the treck to bruasse just to speak to rue about rivers and water nymphs#how it's her dream to explore the continent just to /learn about it/#and i know i've said in the past that the gods don't really manifest the way you'd normally expect#like maurua literally IS the mountains she is not some personified guardian of them. she is them.#and taiua IS the earth and slovua IS the ocean#but i feel like there are maybe younger gods that could be a little more like. malleable#like how vietua is the night sky but she is also known as the 'mother of all' bc they believe creation started with her#and she's literally where stardust comes from#and i was thinking of that and akoua - education and learning - and thinking of her like. calling to freya#and freya going on some big coming of age like journey that leads to her being this Bearer Of Knowledge like some sort of human encyclopedi#and her becoming some sort of priestess for Akoua and it being a Whole Thing#idk how i'd do it im just having visions#side quests#WHICH ACTUALLY I WAS ALSO THINKING OF SOME SORT OF MIEDNIC / OMOS FORBIDDEN ROMANCE THING#SO TECHNICALLY. MULTIPLE SIDE QUEST IDEAS#i just really love having a pre-existing fantasy world to play in
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lmao I just read a line in a fan fic that made me check the author's age and was not surprised to see "21"
#it was a reader insert#and they said that *you had chosen to live a life of success*#so that's what i've been doing wrong!#i should have chosen to live a life of success
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My list of fandoms I keep denying myself because of my thesis just keeps growing. First it all started with Deltarune Chapter 2 and then it grew to Encanto and now Scrooge (2022)™
#I guess that's just the life I've chosen to live now#How long will this last#Only I can decide#But at least I did have fun in the initial periods of them all#I just decided I couldn't Continue having fun until I was done to Celebrate
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You know what would be great? Non-sexual submission. You order food for me and choose what I eat? Incredible. You make calls and send emails to handle decision and progression power so I don't have to? I'm in heaven. You push my wheelchair with my trust that you will watch out for me? 😍 Stunning
This is what I need.
#this is the actual dream#it's hard to find and make happen because this is me. i do this for my wife because admin work stresses them#this also means i have to be on and functioning and making things happen every single day#i don't get days off and I don't get pampered -not that they wouldn't. they have their own struggles#but i really need a few days where i don't have to make phone calls or send emails#and where i get taken care of instead of me pushing my crippled body to take care of everybody else#chat i am tired#the kind of exhaustion that surpasses a body's ability to acknowledge it and is felt in the soul#I've been fighting for the will to live and now for a better life for myself and my chosen family for 30 years#i need a break and a vacation#i need a spa day where there's abundant food i can eat and cold water to drink#and where my needs are met without complaint or sighs or my feeling of pushing myself onto others to have my needs met#let me rot comfortably
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quaking in my boots thinking about my undergrad mini-thesis on the interior and exterior perception of gender and how both are wrapped up in Everything Ever because. society
#aiden's monologuing#i can say this smarter but i'm not getting paid for posting on tumblr now am i#sometimes i think about grad school. and then i remember i do not wish to live the life of an academic publishing papers#and also. i would like to get paid.#i do wish my profs had had any sort of guidance for me because my focus was Way too broad#it would have been far better if i'd chosen a particular culture and historical slice to focus on in regards to the perception of gender#i learned the words interiority and exteriority from an art piece in the school gallery and i've never been the same since#is there a way to go to grad school and graduate to make money and not have to worry about papers#can't i just live in a barrel and rant at passersby
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I wonder if there is like a quota for how many fuckups a man can make in life. I don't know where I was going with this. I guess I just wish every step I made wasn't one in the wrong direction, or that I could at least backpedal out of bad decisions without any fatal consequences like damaging someone else. Life sucks.
#maybe it's just the tiredness and exhaustion talking sure but i think i need to become way less of a fuckup of a woman in order to do#anything worthwhile in life#lesson learned‚ i guess. don't make any decisions you would make once you have your shit together BEFORE that moment in time.#god‚ i wish there was an easier way to do these things. an easier way to learn. an easier way to live. i fucking hate being in pain and i#hate every single waking moment of my life i spend not in an ideal world where i am good and happy and free and not as fucking mentally ill#all the fucking time. i do wish there was an easier way to live. i really do. i hate my life. we are back to square fucking one.#just when i thought i was getting better i rush headfirst into oncoming traffic without a care in the world and another aspect of my#existence that once brought me great joy becomes almost nightmarish to think about‚ except this time around it was completely and entirely#my fault‚ and i see no way out of what i've done.#maybe‚ in another world‚ i could see the decision i've made‚ the path i've chosen‚ as a good one. but unfortunately‚ i am stuck with a hell#brain that hates me and everything i do‚ leftover traumas related to the concept commonly referred to as the defining trait of humanity‚#and‚ to top it all off‚ the beautiful words that i have received only send me flying into a state of panic once i turn my head to look back#at everything that was said and done. i genuinely hate how my brain works. i wish i wasn't so much of a scared‚ scarred‚ terrified injured#animal. i wish that i could enjoy nice things. i wish that i could just be alive and make mistakes and live life and be happy with all of#that. but that's not the kind of life that was cut out for me‚ and i have been blasting here's to you sitting numb in my chair wondering#how i even got to this point in time‚ mouth agape‚ barely breathing‚ gazing at nothing.#tl;dr no one on god's green earth deserves a fuckup like me#logs#black blank blah-blah-blah
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just to add:
Using Poe rather than any other Dark Romantic writer that was his contemporary to pull a quote from was such a good choice. Of his sotries, "The Tell-Tale Heart" was the perfect one for Astarion, but Poe very specifically believed stories should be written in a circular manner - like a snake biting its tail - which fits so perfectly with all the little ways Astarion's story and romance references itself.
Direct quote from my source:
Poe believed in “fashioning a tale like a kind of ouroboros, with its tail in its mouth, beginning with the final effect and working backwards to that the story’s beginning is a natural derivation of its conclusion.”
It's the setting up of the Romantic Astarion in act 1, finding out he's not as fine as he keeps insisting as the narrative swings into Dark Romantic territory, the paranoia starts to really come out (relating back to tell-tale heart), and then he is literally given a choice: continue the cycle or break free. The cycle of abuse is literally a circle here. He can take up Cazador's place in the ritual and step into his role entirely, reentering the ouroboros I mentioned earlier.
The "Thank you" when he first bites the player being referenced later when they see past his paranoia and how unreliable of a narrator he is about his own feelings and seeing that he doesn't want power. He wants safety in a world that he believes isn't capable of kindness or good.
I love how Astarion quotes The Tell-Tale Heart every once in a while. It's a rarer line, and initially I thought it was out of place (Neil is very well versed in theater, so I assumed it was a riff from him), but since reading an analysis of the work I think it was pretty purposeful.
The piece is all about fear and paranoia, things we know Astarion is plagued by despite how he might act. Similarly, the narrator of the story also tries to convince the reader that they are not as troubled as they seem. In the end, the narrator is consumed by the beating of the heart of the old man he killed and dismembered, the sound growing louder and louder until in a fit of rage he reveals the body to the police to absolve himself from the persistent beating.
Except the police never heard the heart beat, because it wasn't the old man's heart at all. The narrator was consumed by the sound of his own heart beating more and more rapidly in his chest from fear. He was the owner of the thing that forced him to reveal his true nature, he is the owner of the tell-tale heart.
And what happens with Astarion after you romance him? He realizes over time that, while he tried to deny his feelings and was initially only interested in manipulating you for his own means, he actually has grown to care for you. You have done something to his heart that hasn't happened in centuries, you have made it feel as if it has started beating again.
Therefore, his tell-tale heart leads him to admit his transgressions, which were committed out of fear and paranoia for his safety.
So the line is actually very, very apt. His confession during Act 2 is his own version of "Villains! Dissemble no more! I admit the deed! Tear up the planks! Here, here! It is the beating of his hideous heart!" Except, of course, it is his own heart that he is unearthing for us (and it's not so hideous, after all).
#this got my brain churning as someone who studied Poe's writing techniques and stuff#i did an intense study of his writing style back when i was in college lol#i'm so sorry if this derailed a bit#i was gonna make my own post but this was the one that got me thinking so#here i am#i literally saw this at like 6:50 am so my thoughts aren't as full as i'd like#but i wanted to add this bc i've been thinking about it a lot for the reasons i stated above lol#my writing style is very heavily influenced by poe due to how much i've researched him for analytical papers & for mimicking his style#i also think some of his more difficult writing may come back to like#he feels like a poe pastiche thrown into a video game#and all his difficult convo trees where you get no information?#astarion is an unreliable narrator of his own story#he doesn't WANT the truth out there#they also very well could have chosen like#the black cat or one of his poems#but tell-tale heart very specifically has to do with the paranoia that causes you to hurt people who never hurt you#the only thing the old man did was stare with that vulture eye#i also have Thoughts about how Astarion's story is a Dark Romantic Gothic Horror#but one that ends on a good note OR can end with him back in the cycle of abuse#and his good end rejects the pessimism that comes with dark romanticism#while also seeing the world not as perfectly good#but finding hope that in spite of the bad parts of life#the good outweigh the bad and make it worth lowering your defenses and truly living#or else be trapped by paranoia and fear for eternity#he has other things that are repeated in ways i don't see the same like#thread of connection through in other companion romances#for example if you ascend him he uses the “i love you” line#same tone as when he used it before while trying to convince LI to sleep with him a second night#and the fact that the cycle he's in now is just a reflection of what cazador and vellioth did#the family abuse cycle that traps and destroys
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corroded coffin does one of those interviews with puppies and before eddie leaves, steve warns him that he better not come home with one of them. eddie promises him he won't.
he wasn't expecting the littlest basset hound puppy he's ever seen to curl up and fall asleep between his crossed legs at the beginning of the interview. he wasn't expecting to fall in love a second time in his life.
and the rest of the guys already decided they were going to adopt one of the many puppies they played with, so what's the harm in eddie doing the same?
the distance between their home and the studio is only an hour car ride, so when eddie gets home that evening, he quietly closes the front door and finds steve in the living room, sprawled out on the couch and watching tv.
as gently as he can, eddie places the puppy (galadriel, he named her on the ride home) onto steve's chest. he doesn't startle too bad, thankfully, but he does stare at her in bewilderment.
"hello...?" he says to her, confused. "where did you come from?"
eddie clears his throat and he gives a little steve-like finger wave when steve snaps his head up and their eyes meet.
steve lets out a sigh, deep enough to send galadriel rising and falling, and flops his head back on the couch cushion. "i knew this would happen."
"i really did try, stevie," eddie tries to plead his case, leaning against the back of the couch and reaching to scratch at galadriel's little noggin. "i held out for as long as i could, but she caught me in a moment of weakness."
galadriel's mouth falls open in a yawn, her tongue lolling out, and then shuffles further up steve's chest to curl into a ball in the space between his neck and shoulder
eddie's bottom lip juts out and his eyes go wide.
steve feels his heart melt and he brings a hand up to cradle her little butt. she's so warm, how are puppies always walking space heaters?
he looks back at eddie, finally breaking. "puppy pads are in the hall closet. i've already made a rotating schedule for potty walks and baths."
eddie makes a giddy sound and leans forward to peck steve's lips, careful not to wake the sleeping pup.
after the interview comes out, eddie tweets a photo of galadriel (who has quickly chosen steve as her favorite) wearing a puppy battle vest and a colts hat.
#cj talks#this was just supposed to be a few sentences long but here we are ig#cj writes#steddie#steddie ficlet
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Brennan’s statement on Palestine :
[ ID: Statement from Brennan Lee Mulligan, on Instagram. It consists of three black squares with plain white text. The text reads as follows:
"I'm calling on my government officials to immediately demand a ceasefire and de-escalation in Gaza.
I applaud anyone and everyone calling for peace, with the understanding that real peace only exists if it deeply and honestly accounts for and fully ends violence in all its forms. Real peace addresses and corrects wrong-doing in the past and guards against it in the future. It goes hand in hand with justice and requires truth, restoration, reconciliation, reparation.
Peace cannot co-exist with collective punishment, ethnic cleansing and forced displacement. It cannot co-exist with blockades, embargoes, or with 2.2 million people, half of which are children, trapped with no hope of escape or political recourse. it cannot co-exist with murdered journalists, bombed hospitals, or years of protesters being shot and killed at the border. it cannot co-exist with illegal settlements, segregated roads, and the silent, imperial chill that settles over the gaps in the violence - the unspoken geopolitical consensus that a group of people need to unflinchingly accept permanent subjugation and occupation.
My hear breaks for every Israeli person who lost loved ones during the attacks of October 7th. It breaks for every Ukrainian person who has lost their loved ones. It breaks for every Congolese person who has lost their loved ones. I do not speak on behalf of Palestinians now because some lives are worth more than others. I speak on their behalf because I, and all Americans, have a responsibility to pressure our government because we are responsible for this. Some have said that this situation is complicated. The Unites States government clearly disagrees. It has definitively, categorically, militarily chosen a side, and I do not agree with that decision.
In wiring this, I have been wrestling with what I am sure many people like me wrestle with: There is a powerful narrative surrounding violence in the Middle East that asserts and ever-moving goalpost of self-education and study in order to even be qualified to have an opinion. As someone with a love of research, I have at times in my life fallen into the trap that I am not educated enough clever enough, or aware enough to have a worthwhile perspective, and that three more articles and two more lectures and one more book will do the trick. Unfortunately, democracy doesn't work that way - we, the citizens of any democracy, cannot possibly be experts on every aspect of the policies of our governments, and yet if we do not constantly weigh in an make our voices heard, the entire experiment falls apart. Not only do people constantly doubt themselves and the things they can see with their own two eyes, but old shortcuts for political action can fall apart as well: This specific issue exists along a raw, charged and unique faultline in American Politics. Nobody I grew up with has ever challenged me on my support for abortion rights, LGBT rights, Black Lives Matter, anti-capitalism, anti-fascism, none of it. The people in my country who would despise me for those positions are, for all intents and purposes, strangers to me. But there are people who I've broken bread with and shared honest affection with who will see the words I've written here and incorrectly conclude that I do not wish for the security, dignity and happiness of them and their loved ones, and that breaks my fucking heart. Full-throatedly condemning the actions of the Israeli government while battling rampant anti-semitism at home is an urgent moral necessity, and doing so is made unnecessarily challenging for the average person to navigate by the pointed obfuscations of cynical opportunists, bigots, and demagogues on all sides of the political spectrum who see some advantage in sowing that incredibly dangerous confusion.
So, I'm calling my representatives. I'm having hard conversations with friends and family. I'm here, talking to you. I should have done it sooner. If you're Israeli and hurt by this statement, know that I want freedom, dignity, security and peace for you, and that every ounce of my political awareness believes whole-heartedly that the actions of your government are not only destroying innocent lives, but doing so to the detriment of you and your loved ones' safety. If you're American and feel lost and confused - I understand and empathize. This, the whole country, only works when we get involved. I am constantly haunted by the specter that maybe I missed some crucial piece of information on this, or any, important world event. I'll just have to make my peace with that self-doubt and trust my gut by going with Jewish Voice for Peace, Amnesty International, the Geneva Conventions, the United Nations, etc. And if you're Palestinian and reading this: I unreservedly support your right to life, to freedom, to happiness and human flourishing, to full enfranchisement and equal rights, to opportunity, prosperity and abundance, to the restoration of stolen property and land, and to a Free Palestine." End ID ]
#if anyone wants to do the id I will love you forever btw#brennan lee mulligan#d20#dropout#free palestine#dimension 20#I babble
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