#this is the gayest chapter in this fic so far. i had to make something awesome to go along

[laugtherhyena]

Genuinely don't remember how long it had been since i last worked on a Cg edit before this

While I don't think it looks on point with the game's ones, I'm super proud of how this turned out! I've been wanting to make a Cg styled chapter art for a while now :]

[artificialqueens]

Karma is a bitch, Chapter 1 (Multi ship) - Flor

A/n: Olá! I’m your resident ball of stress and anxiety posing as a your average brazilian uni student trying my hand at writing fic in english after literal years writing solely on my mother tongue, how yall doing? Anyway that is just a very long way of saying i can’t promise perfect english and that i’m very nervous and very excited about posting this. There will be a lot of ships and queens so i’m just going to tag them as they appear, thanks and enjoy!

Summary: Manila being in love with her best friend is just proof that Karma is real and getting back at her for laughing at her coworkers and teasing them over their lack of guts to act on their obvious feelings. Surely that’s it, a cruel joke of the universe and something she will get over with time so in meantime she just needs to focus on something that isn’t Raja. Naturally playing cupid is exactly what she needs.

Chapter summary: Raja breaks up with her girlfriend, swears off dating and Manila has a existential crisis, or several, but who is counting anyway?

***

Manila is not a useless lesbian.

Well she is a lesbian. And okay she can be a bit slow and useless in certain circumstances, sometimes hidden jokes and social clues will fly over her head, but it happens with everyone okay, it’s not that big of a deal. But those two characteristics together? No ma’am, Manila considers herself a pretty sharp lesbian, especially since she works with several textbook representations of useless lesbians. Her workplace is filled with useless lesbians.

RuPaul’s Look Race started small and easily lost in the big Los Angeles scenario, a modeling agency born of spite aimed to the outcasts of the fashion world like the founder herself and it quickly won over the hearts of all the models who used to the racism and homophobia of the fashion industry saw themselves drawn to what promised to be a safe accepting spot. With care it grew exponentially in a short space of time attracting not only clients but also employees who failed to check most of the box on privilege, Manila was hired on the third year of existence of the agency and she saw as it grew and grew until they became the name in everyone’s mouth, the first place that LGBT models turned to, expanding its wings until they started to gather to artists in general rather than only models.

They are an one of a kind business, no one does as much as them, no one attends to so many different artists in so many different fronts all at once so of course they are a big deal, especially when you consider how inclusive they are.

It makes for a very livid, very gay, workplace and Manila would not trade it for the world. The longest living unofficial rule of the place is “LGBT+ until proven straight or cis” because she could easily count how many of her coworkers don’t fit under the rainbow. It feels good to be out and proud of her sexuality, her own personal bubble in a world that wasn’t always kind to her. One of the most unexpected consequences of working on the gayest business in America however is the ridiculous amount of pinning she gets to watch unfold before her daily.

Manila can give you examples of actual useless lesbians until you are begging her to stop and she knows as a fact that she is nothing like them, she doesn’t do those things they do, she knows how to flirt and she damn well knows when someone is flirting with her, and more than that she always knows what to do in those situations.

Until now.

Because Raja broke up with her girlfriend and Manila is facing a life crisis where she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

It’s not like this is the first time this has happened, it’s nothing really new to be honest, Manila has know Raja for almost 10 year and she cannot count how many partners her friend had in those, this is far from the first breakup Manila has lived through and at this point she knows their routine by muscle memory alone.

Raja for someone who is actually quite polished and has her life together has quite a problem with keeping a stable relationship for long periods of time, Manila is sure that in those 10 years of friendship the longest relationship lasted a bit more than 2 years, but at the same time Raja is the type of person who doesn’t like being single for too long what may explain everything. 

So Manila is well versed in post-breakup Raja.

She knows that her friend was the one to end it simply because she texted her asking to come over, it’s just one of her things. If her partner was the one to break things off Raja would seek Raven’s company so both of them could curse and complain and Raven in all her sharp tongued abrasive self would point out all the flaws in the ex until Raja felt better about it, they always showed up with killer hangover after those talks but the older woman always looked better and less down after yet another rejection when Raven was done with her.

But when Raja was the one to break it off she always went to Manila because Raven couldn’t see the point in getting sad over something you choose, for good reason, to call off. Manila knew that just because you were the one to pull the plug doesn’t mean you aren’t hurting and sad to see it gone no matter how bad things had become or how better in the long run the decision is.

If she is selfishly honest Manila sorta likes those post breakup hangouts they have, she likes the intimacy and closeness they bring to their friendship. Raja is not shy with her affection but she hardly is the most touchy person either so the younger woman relishes on those nights where Raja will curl her long limbs in her couch touching Manila’s side and resting her head on her shoulder, sometimes playing with her fingers or just holding her hand.

It’s good, Raja always smells like subtle spicy perfume and her skin is soft and impossibly warm at all times. It’s also very normal and very platonic. It’s not like how Katya will take any and every excuse available to touch Trixie even if for a few seconds, hands itching towards her every time they get together to discuss something or just casually talk, the blonde Russian cleaning her schedule for those meetings and pretending no one knows about it.

It’s not like that for Raja and Manila. If Manila rests her own head over Raja’s, well it’s just a comfort thing, and if she takes a deep breath so the other’s perfume is all she can smell, who can blame her? It is a good perfume.

So this time is no different from any other time. Raja shows up at her door, defeated expression looking so out of place in her angular features, Manila ushes her inside and they almost cuddle on the couch while some stupid comedy plays in the background.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She whispers softly even if it’s not necessary.

She feels more than sees Raja sighs.

“Not sober.”

“Gotcha.”

Manila nudges her a bit so she can get up already missing the warmth and rushing to her kitchen so she can find the wine she knows it’s Raja’s favorite. That’s another normal, completely platonic thing Manila does, keeping Raja’s favorite drinks and food around even if she isn’t particularly fond of it herself.

It’s not like she is like Shea who buys or makes tea for Sasha every time she gets coffee for herself, completely unprompted, just so she can have a excuse to go to her and chat for a few moments, smiling dumbly as the Russian smiles that bright kind smile of hers that could melt ice and melts Shea’s heart like butter. It’s not like that because Manila doesn’t go out her way to buy those things or uses them as an excuse to talk to her friend, she just buys it with her own groceries to keep it around if needed, and it’s good to have food your friend likes around right? Especially for moments like this!

Patting herself on the back for being such a prepared friend Manila goes back with two glasses and two bottles of wine feeling like one is not going to be enough. The smile that Raja gives her when she reads the label could make flowers grow. 

She pours them full glasses before sitting back on the couch, Raja automatically curling back into her side and even if her elbow is kinda uncomfortably pressed against her side and her hair is trickling her neck Manila would never make any movement or say anything to make her change positions. They drink in silence, finishing several cups before Raja lets out another long sigh.

“I broke up with her after a date. It just kind of hit me as we were leaving the restaurant that we spent basically the whole meal in silence, she kept looking at her phone and it didn’t bother me at all. We used to turn out our phones during dates.”

“I’m sorry Raj, falling out of love sucks balls but you know it was for the best for the both of you. It wouldn’t be fair to keep going like this, relationships shouldn’t be something you are having out of convenience, and hey now you both are free to find someone new.”

Saying those words leave a sour taste in her mouth, the idea of Raja once again going out on mindless dates with random women, falling in bed with them until one catches her attention enough for her to try yet again to have an actual relationship, is making her heart clench in her chest.

Platonically of course. 

Manila is simply tired of seeing her friend meet dead end after dead end and find herself on her or Raven’s couch drinking away the pain. It’s not like there is any hidden motive for that feeling, Manila knows herself, knows her own heart, if there was anything more than best friend concern she would surely know. It’s probably not different from what Jujubee and Raven feel for each other.

“It’s the same thing every fucking time Nila, it doesn’t matter if I’m the one dumping or the one dumped the reason is always the same we just fall out of love, for fucks sake why can’t i get regular messy breakups once in a while? Why can’t I get cheated on?”

“Why exactly would you want to get cheated on? I, just like every normal person, prefer clean breakups but you seem to think they are overrated.”

“Like you are anywhere near being normal Miss Pineapple Dress for a Fancy Work Party” Raja laughs lightly, Manila feeling it with her body

“That dress was fucking awesome and i will not be shamed for being a fashion icon ahead of my own time.”

“Whatever you say” The fond amusement in the taller woman makes her smile wider, allowing herself to relax even more against the warm body

“You still didn’t answer why somehow getting cheated on would be better than a nice clean breakup.”

“Because then i could explain why it happened, I could get mad at someone else because it wouldn’t be my fault.” Raja’s voice is softer than it was the whole night, barely over a whisper “You know why i got dumped last time? Because she said i was never really there, that i never allowed her to actually know me.”

Automatically and uncaring about the awkwardness of the position Manila throws her arms around Raja hating the way her voice sounds and hating the words even more. Maybe she is biased, maybe she isn’t really trying to put herself in the ex girlfriends shoes, but she just can’t phantom why anyone would say that about Raja of all people.

Her best friend is intense in all the best ways, she puts herself into everything she does to the point someone will eventually have to drag her away from her projects, she may look unapproachable and regal with her beautiful features and high fashion clothes but she is one of the biggest dorks Manila knows, full of passion and bad jokes. And yes she is a bit hard to know, it takes time to take her down her walls and see beyond the carefully crafted poise and sharp words, but she is worth every minute spent trying.

“And i guess she was right, i guess i do this all the time because it’s the same thing now, someone falling out of love with me because i wasn’t giving them enough. Maybe I’m just not meant for this.”

“This?” Manila tightens her arms around Raja like she is trying to squeeze that resigned tone away

“Love, relationships, the whole nine yards. Meaningless one night stands are clearly more of my thing since they are the one thing I can successfully manage.”

“That’s not true! You of all people shouldn’t be selling yourself this short you big idiot, you are amazing and people should be lucky to have a shot with you. You just haven’t found the right person yet.”

“Are you taking life advice from those stupid romcoms Vanessa is obsessed with? Because it sounds like it.” Her words lack the necessary bite to sound like a insult even if she snorts disbelieving and Manila slaps her chest without breaking the hug

“Okay edgy lord maybe you should watch one of those and lift your spirit because this talk is not like you at all.” 

She goes for a joking tone, poking Raja again but is glad the older woman can’t see her face and the way her brows are furrowed. This is new. Unfamiliar and uncomfortable in a way that those post breakups encounters never were, not even in the beginning of their friendship where Manila was still testing the waters and what worked with her friend. Raja was always sad, though she only cried twice in 10 years, and her smiles never quite reached her eyes even if they softened a little when Manila said something funny or ridiculous, but never like this, never truly defeated in this raw way. Raja hardly ever gets this low in her self esteem anymore and never about her love life and the fact that she is, is throwing Manila out of her loop, this is new territory.

“Maybe I should take a page out of Violet’s book and just give dating up altogether, she is young but is clearly into something.”

“Really? Because as far as i know if Violet wasn’t so open about how anti dating she is then either Pearl or Max would have totally already made a move and we wouldn’t have to watch them dancing around each other like that.”

“But that’s the thing, the problem with Violet doing it is that someone is in love with her and I think we have established that no one is in love with me.” And before Manila can say the obvious Raja beats her to it “And i don’t think anyone ever will.”

I am.

The thought almost makes its way out of her mouth before Manila stops herself, biting her tongue so hard she can taste blood.

It comes out of nowhere and everywhere at the same time, a certain that just overtakes her body and sets on her bones like it belongs there, like it was just laying under the superficie waiting to make itself known. Her breath catches on her throat and she must make some sort of chocked sound because Raja cranks her neck to look at her, sad eyes and soft smile making Manila want to scream.

“It’s okay Nila, don’t take me too seriously, I had a couple of shots before coming here so I’m just being drunk.”

Manila just nods, words stuck in her throat in fear of what will come out if she let them out, Raja sighs again and even in normal circumstances her words would not make the younger woman less worried, the excuse of drunkness not erasing the self deprecating voice and sad tired eyes, but now they just make her heart ache even more.

God. 

This is fucked up.

Fucked up and so, so right. 

Of course she is in love with Raja, of course there is nothing really platonic in a lot of her actions, in the way something ugly and heavy curls inside of her when Raja gets another girlfriend, in the way that her chest feel warm when Raja smiles at her in delight, how her laugh can light up her day, how her hugs can make the bad days look less dark, how having her arms around her feels good, how warm she feels in the places they are touching.

Manila thanks whatever deity is watching her that the realization stucks her when Raja is already drunk and half asleep, curling even more on the couch, letting her weight rests fully against Manila as her breathing gets deeper, and that she didn’t decide to lay down facing her because Manila doesn’t know how she would hide her reaction.

Karma is definitely a bitch she decides almost hysterically as her bitten tongue slowly stops bleeding.

This is karma for laughing at her friends, she is sure it is, what else can explain the universe punishing her with this? With those feelings? Clearly she cracked one too many jokes about Crystal and Gigi being oblivious, or rolled her eyes too much when watching Shea and Sasha, or Trixie and Katya, or maybe she snickered too loudly watching Vanjie and Brooke or maybe she gave Jinkx shit romantic advice or something she can’t even remember. Maybe, she muses, it’s a combination, all those little things piling up until karma decided to get her for them all at once and landed her in this mess.

She is in love with Raja.

Wonderful, clever, talented, beautiful Raja who struggles to maintain meaningful romantic relationships.

Raja who is one of her best friends. One who basically decided to give up dating 10 minutes ago.

What the fuck Manila is supposed to do now?

~~~~~~~~

Manila decides after a bad sleep night in an uncomfortable position in her not so soft couch that the best course of action is doing nothing.

She needs… She needs time to process this sudden epiphany, to analyze their interactions and her actions and try to pinpoint when exactly platonic friendship transformed itself into something she never expected or intended to, something she is too afraid to name. Gather her thoughts and her emotions in a more organized way than the panic and confusion of last night.

She also needs time for Raja to get over the breakup, again this is a familiar scenario and Manila knows what will happen, has watched as her friend tried to drown herself into work until the sting of another failed relationship disappeared multiple times and understand that is the worst possible moment to try to act on those…. feelings. If, and that is a big gigantic if, Raja takes her mind away from fashion for one second to seriously consider Manila’s hypothetical words there is the risk of being a rebound fuck, a distraction.

Manila is not sure of many things about those feelings but one that she knows with clarity is that she doesn’t want to be a one night stand, a band aid to help with loneliness, Manila is not that girl who will let herself be used as a mean to something else, she has more self love than that. She wants the real thing, the full experience. If she can’t have that she will not settle for scraps, her heart is not strong enough to deal with that.

So when her alarm blasts, too soon she laments as her eyelids seem to be glued shut and her brain protests that she sleep too little and too badly, she is relieved Raja choose to end things in a Sunday because that means Manila will have work to distract her mind and stop her from spending a day long pity party overthinking all her feelings like a lunatic. 

At least she hopes so.

Raja is already up and moving around in the kitchen by the time Manila drags her body away from the couch feeling places she didn’t know could hurt screaming in protest. Shit, she needs a better couch, she feels bad for letting her friends sleep in that now. The dark haired woman makes her way to the kitchen and is not prepared to have the air sucked out of her chest by the vision in front of her.

It’s ridiculous. It’s not something new, some groundbreaking scenario that she never got to witness, some hidden part of Raja that she didn’t know existed. It’s ordinary, familiar in a way that makes her insides all warm and fuzzy and that’s the problem.

It’s familiar, it’s domestic.

There is something in the way that Raja moves around her small kitchen making toast and sipping coffee from a bright yellow mug, clearly fresh showered with her hair still damp, not even pausing to think where things are or what ingredients Manila will have that is so right. It feels right to have her there, so comfortable and at peace in a place Manila considers so intimate, so personal. Raja looks at home and the domesticity of it makes something in Manila ache.

This is what she wants, she realizes, to wake up and find Raja sipping coffee or to wake first and make her something to eat or to spend a lazy morning together.

“Good morning sleepy head.” Raja says when she realizes Manila is there snapping the other back to reality “You know seeing how late you set your alarm I can totally understand how you are always late.”

“My alarm is set at the perfect time, it’s not my fault LA’s traffic is more unstable than Gia Gun’s eyelashes.” The answer comes easily and she thanks a higher power that she can act like a actual human around Raja

“Well maybe that’s a sign that you should set it earlier, it wouldn’t kill to arrive earlier in the good days.”

“And how would you know? I don’t think you even know your actual work hours anymore.”

“Raven told me” Raja smiles cheekily, sipping from her mug to hide it “Want me to make you some toast while you get ready?”

“Sure”

She says and does her best to not look like she is bolting the fastest she can because while it’s the truth it doesn’t mean she wants Raja to realize it. It’s the domesticy again, the easiness and calm that comes with having Raja there offering to make fucking toast like she belongs in her home.

Manila lets her forehead rest against the shower wall as the water falls on her back trying to get her shit together before she faces her best friend and new found love again. She will not freak out, she will not over analyze shit or stare like some sort of lovesick fool with no self control.

She is a grown up woman and she knows how to behave when she is attracted to someone.

At least that is what she tells herself and what she fails to do almost instantly. Because as Manila dresses herself she can’t stop thinking about the fact that Raja has clothes at her place. Clothes. And Manila has clothes at Raja’s place as well and that’s… that’s not really a really platonic thing is it? Manila doesn’t have a drawer full of her things in her parent’s house for fucks sake. 

This is karma she swears to herself, this is karma for laughing at poor airheads Crystal and Gigi for being oblivious, this is the universe getting back at her and making her the stereotypical useless lesbian who doesn’t even really she is in love and practically dating her best friend.

But at the same time she can’t help but wonder if that means something as big as she thinks. So they have clothes at each other’s houses and Manila doesn’t do that with anyone else, but what if that’s something regular with Raja? Does she leave things in Raven’s or Delta’s houses too? Is that something special they share or it’s just one of those Raja things that make Manila smile fondly when she thinks no one is watching?

Fuck, Manila is really turning into one of those people. She makes a sound of frustration in her chosen shirt, pressing the fabric to her face and trying to block everything but the pleasant smell of the shirt and take a few deep breaths to again get her shit together.

When she finally finishes her makeup and makes her way back to the kitchen she is ready to face the day and suppress her feelings like a normal woman. 

Things go smoothly after that and Manila shots down the voice in her mind whispering that that is a good sign, they eat among small talk and Raja mentions her breakup only once when she mentions her ex will go pick her things when she’s at work and she’s relieved they will not have to have another face to face conversation, Manila holds her hand and squeeze giving Raja her best comforting smile not letting go until the smile she gets in answer doesn’t look fabricated.

On the way to work their topic of conversation changes as they begin discussing their agendas for the day trying to squeeze a joint break. They don’t have many reasons to interact during work hours, Raja, along with Bianca, run their fashion department dealing with clothing most of their non model clients while Manila works exactly with the modeling section of the business and since both are high up on the hierarchy there is really not much leeway to go hang out at each other side of the building, having to settle for lunch wherever work allows them to leave at the same time.

“You want to go to that new Italian place down the block?” Manila asks as they get close enough to see their workplace towering among others

“Rain check.” Raja says as she twists her thick hair in a bun that somehow manages to look elegant rather than messy “Willam got a show coming up and i have to meet her to brainstorm concepts for the looks.”

“Oh… we can go after you finish?”

“We are meeting for lunch actually.”

“Right…” Manila kicks herself as soon as the word leaves her mouth, her disappointment so thick she can almost taste it and it’s fucking ridiculous

“We can go tomorrow if you like?”

“Maybe, we have a photoshoot tomorrow but it looks like Dahlia is sick and if she can’t make it i need to be there to find a quick replacement.” Ugh sometimes being the official problem solver sucks

“That’s okay we can just try again another day.” Raja smiles at her then, all white teeth and soft eyes, and her hand rests on her shoulder as if she can sense that Manila is unhappy

And maybe she can because if her face is showing half of what she is feeling then Manila is officially looking like a pooting teenager and that is not a flattering look on someone her age. Again she feels like screaming because the universe is clearly trying to rub her face in her own obliviousness about her own feelings, again this is not new, there were times they had to cancel lunch plans when the other was already seated because something urgent came up, and neither is the disappointment and mildly annoyance in her chest when she realizes she will have to spend a day without sharing a part of her day with Raja, but now, now that she is painfully aware of the exact nature of her feelings there is another layer to that disappointment that she was unaware of and doesn’t really like.

It doesn’t help that it’s Willam that Raja is going to meet.

Don’t get her wrong, Willam may be a diva and a pain in the ass, the cause of many tears on their PR department because of her crude and biting humour, but she is not the worst client they ever had and once you get used to her particular brand of vulgarity there is a lot of fun to have with her. But Willam is, above everything, a self proclaimed slut.

There is an ongoing joke that the reason she gets so many gigs as an actress in crime shows is because she doesn’t really have to act as a prostitute or young slut, she just has to be herself. Willam is very confident and very comfortable in her sexuality and Manila is actually impressed with that, she really is, but that doesn’t mean that she wants that energy around post breakup Raja right after Manila discovered she has more than platonic feelings for her.

It’s a receipt for disaster, well, actually it’s receipt for sex what in her books are exactly the same thing.

She forces that stupidity down as hard as she can. There is pinning and then there is suffering for imagining your… crush having sex with someone else and Manila is not going to be that person, she really isn’t. The younger woman sighs quietly and grips the steering wheel glad that Raja is too busy dealing with loose strands of hair to pay attention to her reactions.

“If i’m free tomorrow i will shoot you a text” She says going for a smile

“Great! I will keep my agenda free then.”

Manila’s heart totally doesn’t skip a beat.

She is so fucked.

[naysaltysalmon]

I’m back!

Upon my return from China, I noticed there were a lot of things weighing me down... that I can just throw the fuck out.

I could expound upon all of these in great detail, but it really would be pointless. And I wouldn’t be able to cover it all anyway. So instead I’ve decided to make a post of every icon I’ve used for my online persona over the years.

The reason for this is... at the end of the program I attended, we had an entire week of silent meditation. We weren’t allowed to talk or communicate with anyone in any way, including gestures, eye contact, or physical touch. So, during this time I had the realization that the stories I’ve been interested in have been my main source of comfort over the years. No person, place, or thing has felt more permanent to me than this.

However, permanence is an illusion, as the Buddhists say (I stayed in a Buddhist monastery in China, in case you’re wondering). My interests have changed over the years -- from the first fandoms I got obsessed with, to my interests now. I may still adore the series that I enjoyed as a child, but definitely not in the same way.

Coming home, I realized... I no longer want to attach my identity to one character or series. That’s why I’ve decided to make this post. I want to reflect on all the egos of my past, on what they have meant to me, so that I can let them go. I’ve been clinging to a folder of them for too long.

To anyone who’s been here since the very start of my blog, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This is an acknowledgement of my transformation from then until now.

And so:

Breadward Elric. My first Internet icon, which I had for 2 and a half years from May 2011 -- 2013. My blog was originally entirely FMAB content, created in January of 2012, and while this format didn’t last the entire time that I had this icon, Breadward saw me through the majority of my early anime and video game obsessions. He jump-started my personality on the Internet as a fanfic author, a blogger, and an artist. I will never forget him... ;~;

Comrade Führer Tamama. I had this icon for 8 months in early 2013 -- early 2014. What can I say? Tamama’s passionate personality resonated with me, especially when he was finally able to be in control (in the episode this particular screenshot is from). Gotta get those cola oceans pronto!

Yokoso waga tainai e [Welcome to my Womb ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]. I had a phase during the summer of 2014, okay. But I still love this maniacal snake’s crusty ass, fite me. I admire KagePro immensely for the popularity and development it gave characters in song format. Of course, favorite of those characters was Kuroha, a snake whose only desire was to keep granting wishes so that he could survive. Add a touch of murderous intent and you have the complete package -- I won’t deny he appealed(appeals) to my wild side -- okay moving on.

KeroTama hugge 👀. I had this icon for about 4-6 months in 2014 before the Hunter x Hunter phase hit. God, I shipped them so hard *facepalms* It was funny though, it’s like KagePro hit me like a hurricane during this summer and then I went right back to being KeroTama trash. Amazing.

Softly Smiling Pika. I kept this icon for at least 9-10 months at the end of 2014 -- early 2015, until I found Owari no Seraph. Kurapika was definitely my bae at the start of my HxH phase -- and in many ways he still is. The current arc gives me this sense of nostalgia of being a 15-year-old again, deeply in love but too in denial to see it. Watching him as a young adult, I see how far I’ve come, how I could have ended up... since I believed myself to be most closely alike with Kurapika at the time. And now I know that’s not the case... I remember debating between many other Kurapika icons and finally choosing this one because I dearly wanted to believe I too could find my happiness in the friends around me, even if it seemed all was hopeless behind the scenes.

Yuu babe. I had this icon for 4 months in the middle of 2015, I remember. Yuichiro Hyakuya was an underappreciated dorky genius at the time, much like how Gon is in HxH now, except... Now in the series... *deep sighs* *clenches fist* I still love his piercing citrine eyes and the dynamism of this icon/pose though.

Cuties T^T (MikaYuu edition). Mmm I kept this icon for a while, something like most of 2016, at least 6-8 months, probably more like 9 or 10. Looking back, I still wonder how/why the author was a fucking coward and didn’t make MikaYuu happen. We coulda had it aaallllll...... Anyway, this is when I was writing Ebony & Ivory, my most popular fic to date, so I was reveling in the reputation I gained from that. This icon was me accepting that while I was no longer friends with my best friend from middle school to 11th grade, I would still pursue my own happiness in the perfect relationship that I saw in MikaYuu. *nods* It’s fitting.

Caught Child². I shared this and the next couple of icons with a friend that I met online, who used the Gon equivalent. I think we shared this one for about 3 months of 2016. This is when I became re-obsessed with Hunter x Hunter and realized how much I had changed between 2014 and 2016. It’s an obsession that’s more or less carried onto now, and redefined my adulthood, as I see my progression as I refer back to HxH for guidance to this day.

Content Chompy Boye. I love this icon. I kept this icon for a long time, something like 5-6 months in December 2016 -- mid-2017. The colors of the background contrast with Killua’s white hair, pale skin, and dark muscle shirt... I still used this icon on other websites until just a few days ago (when I most recently changed my icon) because I thought it looked the best backdropped against the format of other websites. I love this scene in the series, though; while (human) Palm is chattering on about her worry that Gon and Killua will be able to defeat Knuckle and Shoot in time, Killua continues to eat without a care in the world. It’s a mood I feel at least once a day, whether while eating or getting a back massage -- as if that ever happens -- 11/10.

Pizza Devil Brat. I like this icon a lot and kept it on a few websites for longer too, but with the way I edited it, the green background becomes a little too headache-inducing if you stare at it too long, so 8/10 -- okay no more out of 10 ratings, this isn’t that kind of post. I believe I kept this icon for about 3-4 months in 2017 and possibly early 2018 as well. From the same scene the previous Kurapika icon came from, this remains one of my favorite scenes in the entire series for its serious undertones over the light happiness that underlies Gon’s, Killua’s, and Kurapika’s (and Leorio’s -- but he’s not in this scene) interactions with each other throughout the series.

Grumpy Gem Gremlin. I was sharing the last three icons with that friend, including this one, with the Phos equivalent (more or less). I think we only kept it for about a month or month and a half in 2017 or beginning of 2018 before switching to the next one. Cinnabar’s desire for a purpose and closeness to others despite her poisonous nature... is definitely something I can understand and relate to.

Sad Gem Child. Damn, I think we’re all still waiting for the day Gormie realizes Aechmea’s a creepy sugar daddy and dropkicks his ass into the ocean where the Admirabilis can decompose his cloudy body like he doesn’t deserve. When will Land of the Lustrous return from the war? I’m still waiting, Ichikawa. Anyway I think we kept this icon for about a month or maybe two in 2018, not long at all.

Gay Childe™. Look, this is one of the gayest scenes in the entire series and it’s right after my favorite episode(s)/scene(s) in the entire series (so far) and it’s not even acknowledged by anyone. Just. Holy Fuck. Anyway I think I kept this icon for about 6-8 months to cap off 2018. And this is where the Big Breakup happened, where my friend decided to choose an icon that deviated from mine, but I kept this icon for a lot longer due to what this scene means to me, placed after/during my favorite episode. ;v;

And finally, BoMH (Blood on My Hands) Pika. I used this icon for 8 months from the start of 2019 until just a few days ago (approx. 8 months). This icon was originally the cover for a Kurapika fic that I started back in 2015 and ended up discontinuing because it was pretty slow-paced, and thus unpopular, which made it become difficult for me to write. But I got all the way up to 97k words before I quit, simply because of the freedom and joy I felt in creating all the OCs that I fit into Kurapika’s journey as he searched for the Kurta eyes after the Yorknew City Arc. Looking back, I’m proud of the planning and commitment that I succeeded in undertaking with this fic -- it was about halfway done by the time I stopped writing it -- and I feel I want to return to this concept one day. Even if the arcs were pretty formulaic at times and, well, boring, I wanted this icon at the start of 2019 to be a new person separate from my recent past matching icons; a representation of my ability to reconnect with my past, but to no longer be afraid of it; to be proud of it, but still recognizing the not-so-good parts, laying it to rest by no longer avoiding it.

My icon now, as I’m sure you can see... is nothing like those I’ve used thus far. I definitely have no intention of moving away from anime or my past. I simply wish to redefine who I am in relation to them, rather than being defined by them.

...I’ve discovered a lot about myself over the past 2 years since college started, more than I ever thought possible. I discovered a lot while in China, too. And I need my online persona to reflect that in every form, as I’ve done every time there was a change.

Thank you all for being with me on this journey: for following me, for reading my posts, for liking my art, for talking with me and blowing up my notifications on every platform...

I’ll be pursuing the next chapter(s) of Human, TIDU, and other works soon. ^.^

[teacoffeeandwhatnot]

The Gay Agenda - Chapter 1

Summary: Our eager contestants here are going to attempt to test how fragile sexuality can be! Each contestant will have to find a man, whom they have never met before, and flirt, with the ultimate goal of scoring a date! Our judges will then rate their performance on a scale of 1-10, based on criteria such as smoothness, suaveness, subtlety and a lot of other words starting with 's' (he winks again, and the audience laughs at what he is insinuating).

OR: The ultimate gay game show that is a monster multi-fandom mess, with appearances from all our favorite Iconic Gays.

(Also on my Ao3)

This is my new monster of a fic that I’ve been working on! It’s multi-fandom. This is just the Intro chapter, I aim to update Sundays. I hope you like it and subscribe/follow for updates!

(Sentences written in Italic is what is being said by the panel, or people in the studio. Normal text is what is happening otherwise.)

(If anyone had any doubts, by the time the opening sequence was over, they would be rid of them. There was no denying this show was, for lack of a better phrase, the gayest show ever. The enormous logo was written in a curly cursive, exploded with every single color you could imagine and adorned with waaaay too much fucking glitter. To begin the show, the camera panned over 11 people sitting in a half-moon, panel like set up, before zooming in and settling on the host.)

“Hello and welcome to The Gay Agenda!! I’m your host Holland, nice to meet you!

As always, our panelists: (The camera swipes over them one by one, as they are being introduced.)

Heechul, coming at you with the strong opinions; Kibum, our sass-master extraordinaire (The way Kibum rolled his eyes as the camera panned to him was enough explanation as to his introduction anyone would need really.); our very own sunshine Taemin and our lovely maknae Daehwi!

Give them a big round of applause everyone!!!” (The audience exploded with claps, cheers and excited whoops.)

“We have some special guest judges here with us tonight as well!

First off, we have Kim Seokjin and Kim Namjoon! How are you Seokjin-hyung?”

“Ready and very excited to be here! Actually, my cousin is one of the contestants on the show. He doesn’t know that I’m going to be here though, so that will be fun when he finds out.” (The evil glint in Jin’s eyes makes the entire audience laugh, a true variety show king.)

“Delightful! Our next special guest couple are Bang Chan and Kim Woojin! They are actually the youngest guest judges we’ve had on the show so far, both ’97 liners! Are you excited?”

“Very, yes, thank you for having us, hyung!” (The audience cooed at Chan’s politeness and megawatt smile) “We actually nominated one of our friends, Minho, to be here tonight, because you wouldn’t believe how bad his whining is when he’s single. He’s somewhat of a, for lack of a better word, hoe or what the kids would call ‘a confident gay’, so I think he’ll do pretty well, right Woojin?”

“To be real honest, we’re not leaving here unless he has someone, because I can’t take it one more minute.” (Once again, the audience laughs along. Holland is surprised at how natural everyone seems to be on camera.)

“Last but not least, we have Choi Seungcheol and Yoon Jeonghan!”

“Holland, I can already tell that there are some baby panicked gays and some very confident gays here, and I honestly don’t know which I’m more excited about! I am already smitten with Seungkwan and would like to legally adopt him please, Cheol.”

“Ok, babe, take it easy. But same as Jeonghan and hyungs said, I’m very excited since there seems to be a big variety here.”

“Well, before we begin, for those of you who are tuning in with us for the first time, let me explain our agenda (he winks and throws in some finger guns for good measure.) for the show.

Our eager contestants here are going to attempt to test how fragile sexuality can be! Each contestant will have to find a man, whom they have never met before, and flirt, with the ultimate goal of scoring a date! Our judges will then rate their performance on a scale of 1-10, based on criteria such as smoothness, suaveness, subtlety and a lot of other words starting with 's' (he winks again, and the audience laughs at what he is insinuating).

Our lovely field reporter Jimin will keep up with our contestants and be the go-to source for questions and concerns. He will also lead the small crash course that will happen before our little gay ducklings will be released into the world.” (Holland turns towards the fixed panel, to address the panelist for the first time.)

“So Taemin-hyung, what are you expecting tonight?”

“Well I’m obviously very excited.”

“Just like every week, a true sunshine!” (Audience laughter)

“I’ve had a few short chats with some of the contestants backstage and there seem to be some really promising people here tonight! Some seemed a little nervous, which is totally understandable, but we’ll have to see how that will pan out in the field.”

“Thank you, hyung. Heechul-hyung, what are you thinking?”

“Well most of the time our contestants are very unpredictable, so I am very excited to see everyone’s game plans. There seem to be a lot of different personalities and my favorite part is always seeing something totally unexpected, so I’m hoping we’re in for some good surprises tonight!”

(Kibum chimes in) “Talking of surprises, I always love to see what someone’s type is, since that isn’t really something you can tell from just looking at them. And of course, the judging, because why would I be here if I didn’t like judging people.” (His innocent-seeming shrug made the audience laugh once more.)

“Of course, to be expected from hyung. Daehwi, any thoughts before we begin?”

“Well hyung, I’m actually very excited about the younger contestants we have here today. I’m really happy that younger people, who are around my age have the courage to express themselves and aren’t afraid to be who they want to be so I’m very happy about them being here tonight!”

“Well as you can tell, we here in the studio are all super excited to see what our contestants can do! We will be right back to get started after this short break. Don’t go anywhere!”

(The camera pans out and cuts to commercial.)

Pt. 2 

[sapphicscholar]

Summary: 

“Alex has no memory of the attack, nor of Reign or really much of the past couple of months,” J’onn explained.

“And?”

Eliza turned to face Maggie. “And she’s asking for you, Maggie. She’s asking for her fiancée.”

Or the one where Alex loses her memory and wakes up thinking she and Maggie are still together.

A/N: Alright, I've never written anything quite so angsty, but my fiancée asked for angst and amnesia, then along came this prompt on Twitter, and here we are. I hope you...is enjoy the right word with angst? Who knows! I'm a little nervous about posting tbh.

The first two chapters are short, and then we jump to long chapters from there on out. Most of the fic is already written (and it's completely plotted out), so it'll be posted on a regular basis until it's done (I'm thinking about 6 or 7 chapters over 2-3 weeks)

Chapter Text:

“Turn off your phone!” a voice yelled from behind Maggie in the movie theater, and she scrambled to find it and click off the volume. She’d never wanted to be one of those people, yet here she was: that asshole sitting in a crowded theater with her phone’s ringtone blaring, not muffled in the slightest by her seat or the bag. And god, it was for a random number too, not even the precinct. It wasn’t like she could do the whole, “I’m a cop! It’s an emergency!” and run out looking like someone who mattered.

Really, the whole incident seemed like a summation of her life these days: one shitshow after another. She didn’t even care that much about the movie; it had just seemed like a good way to get out of her shitty new apartment for a few hours to distract from the reality of everything that had happened. New apartment. She hated that phrase. It sounded like something she chose. Like how once upon a time National City was her “new home” because she’d chosen to leave Gotham. Only this time she hadn’t been the one to make a choice at all. Alex had. Alex had decided that her earlier promises about Maggie’s being everything she needed didn’t actually hold true, that Maggie wasn’t enough for her, just like she’d never been enough for anyone to want to keep her around. And so now Maggie had a “new apartment” far from the precinct with water stains on her ceiling and rats in the stairwell and a cheap mattress she’d gotten at IKEA that felt like sleeping on a pile of old yellow phonebooks. It made her long for the days of dormrooms and regulation furniture. At least then she had someone to call about the rats.

When she looked back up at the screen, she realized she had no idea what was going on. Two people were kissing, and she only recognized one of them. After a few more minutes of confusing dialogue, she got up and left. It wasn’t like the wasted twelve bucks for her ticket really compared to the wasted thousands of dollars on wedding shit that she’d let Alex convince her mattered. Because it had mattered to Alex, and Alex had mattered to her. She would’ve been happy enough to go down to the courthouse and get married—it wasn’t like she had family or even many friends coming out for her. The handful of friends she was still close with would understand. They’d make it down to whatever casual celebration Maggie eventually threw. Really, she’d wanted to have a party on the beach—just get the people closest to them to come out and have a bonfire and some drinks and good food and celebrate being alive and together and happy. Even after all these years, Alex still loved the beach, and Maggie loved things that made Alex look light and happy, like the cares and stresses of her job and her day-to-day life could finally fade to the background. But Alex had wanted the biggest, gayest wedding National City had ever seen, and Maggie couldn’t say no to that. And, she thought, with Alex by her side, she might just have been able to want that too, even if her side of the wedding would be quite a bit smaller than Alex’s, filled out as hers would by her family and all their friends. The same friends she saw still hanging out with Alex at the alien bar—the bar that had once been a space where she felt comfortable. She stopped going. It wasn’t the same after M’gann left anyway.

As she wandered the blocks around the theater, Maggie checked her phone, finding a voicemail from the unknown number. Furrowing her brow, she typed in her password and held the phone up to her ear.

“Ms. Sawyer? This is Nurse Roberts at National City General. I’m calling because Ms. Danvers was in an accident and is in the ICU, and this is the number she had listed as her emergency contact.”

Maggie hung up before the nurse had even finished her message. She was in a cab before she was quite conscious of having hailed one. In what felt like mere seconds, she found her feet propelling her toward the front doors of the hospital she knew too well from seeing crime scene victims rushed here after terrible accidents.

“Can I help you, ma’am?”

Maggie blinked slowly, as if just now realizing that she had made it all the way up to the ICU. “I, uh, I’m her emergency contact.”

The woman arched an eyebrow at her. “Whose emergency contact?”

“Alex. Alex Danvers.” The words felt heavy in her mouth, and nothing seemed like it was quite real.

“ID?”

Maggie passed over her badge, figuring it worked as well as anything else.

“She’s in room 311. Can you follow the signs alright?”

“What happened?”

The nurse’s frustration seemed to give way into pity then. “I don’t know, dear. Her nurses and doctors will be able to tell you more.”

Maggie nodded mutely before wandering down the corridor. Everything seemed different, like she was getting all the sensory inputs but not in a way that made sense anymore. She heard herself speaking and responding, but the voice didn’t sound like her own, and her body seemed to move independently, as if it still knew what to do even when she no longer did.

“Ma’am. Ma’am!” a voice yelled as if from underwater.

“Yeah?”

“You can’t go in there,” the nurse explained, stepping in front of Maggie.

“I’m her emergency contact.”

“Ah, Ms. Sawyer?” he asked.

“That’s me.”

“Alex is currently being examined by her doctor, but you’ll be able to see her in a few minutes.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want a seat? I can drag a chair into the hallway for you.”

“What happened to her?” Maggie asked once more.

“No one told you?”

Maggie was surprised to find that the urge to snap and yell wasn’t as strong as she expected it would be in a situation like this. There had been a few times when Alex had gotten injured at the DEO or when she’d been late home from a dangerous mission. Somehow this felt different. Maybe it was because she genuinely knew nothing this time. How could she be mad when she needed whatever scraps of information she could salvage from these people? “No,” she answered simply.

“She suffered severe trauma to the head.”

“Is she…”

“She’s in a coma right now. We…people do wake up, though.”

“Right.”

Maggie slumped down to the floor of the hallway, ignoring the nurse’s offers to get her a chair. Eventually the doctor came out and said more words to her. They were all similar. Coma. And traumatic brain injury. And blunt force. Then he told her she could go in.

It wasn’t how she’d expected to see Alex for the first time in months. She’d caught glimpses of her at crime scenes, and then the one time out at the bar, but she hadn’t seen her like this. Well, she’d never seen her like this. Now Alex’s face was mottled with deep bruises. A line of stitches ran across her skull and through her hair, and there was still some matted blood that the sponge bath Maggie assumed she probably got hadn’t taken care of. She wondered how much earlier Alex had gotten hurt. She wondered why she hadn’t been called then. Then again, if it was urgent enough that she was rushed into surgery without identification…she didn’t want to think about what any of it meant.

She sat still in the chair until the doctor came in again to check Alex’s vitals. It was a new doctor this time—a woman with graying hair and shallow wrinkles around her eyes. She introduced herself, and Maggie managed the most basic of pleasantries. She didn’t seem to expect anything more from Maggie.

One of the overnight nurses brought Maggie a blanket and a pillow at some point and showed her how to use the recliner in case she wanted to sleep. Maggie reclined the chair back and covered herself with the blanket and stared up at the tiled ceiling. There were watermarks on this one too.