#this is the gayest chapter in this fic so far. i had to make something awesome to go along

[laugtherhyena]

Genuinely don't remember how long it had been since i last worked on a Cg edit before this

While I don't think it looks on point with the game's ones, I'm super proud of how this turned out! I've been wanting to make a Cg styled chapter art for a while now :]

[naysaltysalmon]

I’m back!

Upon my return from China, I noticed there were a lot of things weighing me down... that I can just throw the fuck out.

I could expound upon all of these in great detail, but it really would be pointless. And I wouldn’t be able to cover it all anyway. So instead I’ve decided to make a post of every icon I’ve used for my online persona over the years.

The reason for this is... at the end of the program I attended, we had an entire week of silent meditation. We weren’t allowed to talk or communicate with anyone in any way, including gestures, eye contact, or physical touch. So, during this time I had the realization that the stories I’ve been interested in have been my main source of comfort over the years. No person, place, or thing has felt more permanent to me than this.

However, permanence is an illusion, as the Buddhists say (I stayed in a Buddhist monastery in China, in case you’re wondering). My interests have changed over the years -- from the first fandoms I got obsessed with, to my interests now. I may still adore the series that I enjoyed as a child, but definitely not in the same way.

Coming home, I realized... I no longer want to attach my identity to one character or series. That’s why I’ve decided to make this post. I want to reflect on all the egos of my past, on what they have meant to me, so that I can let them go. I’ve been clinging to a folder of them for too long.

To anyone who’s been here since the very start of my blog, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This is an acknowledgement of my transformation from then until now.

And so:

Breadward Elric. My first Internet icon, which I had for 2 and a half years from May 2011 -- 2013. My blog was originally entirely FMAB content, created in January of 2012, and while this format didn’t last the entire time that I had this icon, Breadward saw me through the majority of my early anime and video game obsessions. He jump-started my personality on the Internet as a fanfic author, a blogger, and an artist. I will never forget him... ;~;

Comrade Führer Tamama. I had this icon for 8 months in early 2013 -- early 2014. What can I say? Tamama’s passionate personality resonated with me, especially when he was finally able to be in control (in the episode this particular screenshot is from). Gotta get those cola oceans pronto!

Yokoso waga tainai e [Welcome to my Womb ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]. I had a phase during the summer of 2014, okay. But I still love this maniacal snake’s crusty ass, fite me. I admire KagePro immensely for the popularity and development it gave characters in song format. Of course, favorite of those characters was Kuroha, a snake whose only desire was to keep granting wishes so that he could survive. Add a touch of murderous intent and you have the complete package -- I won’t deny he appealed(appeals) to my wild side -- okay moving on.

KeroTama hugge 👀. I had this icon for about 4-6 months in 2014 before the Hunter x Hunter phase hit. God, I shipped them so hard *facepalms* It was funny though, it’s like KagePro hit me like a hurricane during this summer and then I went right back to being KeroTama trash. Amazing.

Softly Smiling Pika. I kept this icon for at least 9-10 months at the end of 2014 -- early 2015, until I found Owari no Seraph. Kurapika was definitely my bae at the start of my HxH phase -- and in many ways he still is. The current arc gives me this sense of nostalgia of being a 15-year-old again, deeply in love but too in denial to see it. Watching him as a young adult, I see how far I’ve come, how I could have ended up... since I believed myself to be most closely alike with Kurapika at the time. And now I know that’s not the case... I remember debating between many other Kurapika icons and finally choosing this one because I dearly wanted to believe I too could find my happiness in the friends around me, even if it seemed all was hopeless behind the scenes.

Yuu babe. I had this icon for 4 months in the middle of 2015, I remember. Yuichiro Hyakuya was an underappreciated dorky genius at the time, much like how Gon is in HxH now, except... Now in the series... *deep sighs* *clenches fist* I still love his piercing citrine eyes and the dynamism of this icon/pose though.

Cuties T^T (MikaYuu edition). Mmm I kept this icon for a while, something like most of 2016, at least 6-8 months, probably more like 9 or 10. Looking back, I still wonder how/why the author was a fucking coward and didn’t make MikaYuu happen. We coulda had it aaallllll...... Anyway, this is when I was writing Ebony & Ivory, my most popular fic to date, so I was reveling in the reputation I gained from that. This icon was me accepting that while I was no longer friends with my best friend from middle school to 11th grade, I would still pursue my own happiness in the perfect relationship that I saw in MikaYuu. *nods* It’s fitting.

Caught Child². I shared this and the next couple of icons with a friend that I met online, who used the Gon equivalent. I think we shared this one for about 3 months of 2016. This is when I became re-obsessed with Hunter x Hunter and realized how much I had changed between 2014 and 2016. It’s an obsession that’s more or less carried onto now, and redefined my adulthood, as I see my progression as I refer back to HxH for guidance to this day.

Content Chompy Boye. I love this icon. I kept this icon for a long time, something like 5-6 months in December 2016 -- mid-2017. The colors of the background contrast with Killua’s white hair, pale skin, and dark muscle shirt... I still used this icon on other websites until just a few days ago (when I most recently changed my icon) because I thought it looked the best backdropped against the format of other websites. I love this scene in the series, though; while (human) Palm is chattering on about her worry that Gon and Killua will be able to defeat Knuckle and Shoot in time, Killua continues to eat without a care in the world. It’s a mood I feel at least once a day, whether while eating or getting a back massage -- as if that ever happens -- 11/10.

Pizza Devil Brat. I like this icon a lot and kept it on a few websites for longer too, but with the way I edited it, the green background becomes a little too headache-inducing if you stare at it too long, so 8/10 -- okay no more out of 10 ratings, this isn’t that kind of post. I believe I kept this icon for about 3-4 months in 2017 and possibly early 2018 as well. From the same scene the previous Kurapika icon came from, this remains one of my favorite scenes in the entire series for its serious undertones over the light happiness that underlies Gon’s, Killua’s, and Kurapika’s (and Leorio’s -- but he’s not in this scene) interactions with each other throughout the series.

Grumpy Gem Gremlin. I was sharing the last three icons with that friend, including this one, with the Phos equivalent (more or less). I think we only kept it for about a month or month and a half in 2017 or beginning of 2018 before switching to the next one. Cinnabar’s desire for a purpose and closeness to others despite her poisonous nature... is definitely something I can understand and relate to.

Sad Gem Child. Damn, I think we’re all still waiting for the day Gormie realizes Aechmea’s a creepy sugar daddy and dropkicks his ass into the ocean where the Admirabilis can decompose his cloudy body like he doesn’t deserve. When will Land of the Lustrous return from the war? I’m still waiting, Ichikawa. Anyway I think we kept this icon for about a month or maybe two in 2018, not long at all.

Gay Childe™. Look, this is one of the gayest scenes in the entire series and it’s right after my favorite episode(s)/scene(s) in the entire series (so far) and it’s not even acknowledged by anyone. Just. Holy Fuck. Anyway I think I kept this icon for about 6-8 months to cap off 2018. And this is where the Big Breakup happened, where my friend decided to choose an icon that deviated from mine, but I kept this icon for a lot longer due to what this scene means to me, placed after/during my favorite episode. ;v;

And finally, BoMH (Blood on My Hands) Pika. I used this icon for 8 months from the start of 2019 until just a few days ago (approx. 8 months). This icon was originally the cover for a Kurapika fic that I started back in 2015 and ended up discontinuing because it was pretty slow-paced, and thus unpopular, which made it become difficult for me to write. But I got all the way up to 97k words before I quit, simply because of the freedom and joy I felt in creating all the OCs that I fit into Kurapika’s journey as he searched for the Kurta eyes after the Yorknew City Arc. Looking back, I’m proud of the planning and commitment that I succeeded in undertaking with this fic -- it was about halfway done by the time I stopped writing it -- and I feel I want to return to this concept one day. Even if the arcs were pretty formulaic at times and, well, boring, I wanted this icon at the start of 2019 to be a new person separate from my recent past matching icons; a representation of my ability to reconnect with my past, but to no longer be afraid of it; to be proud of it, but still recognizing the not-so-good parts, laying it to rest by no longer avoiding it.

My icon now, as I’m sure you can see... is nothing like those I’ve used thus far. I definitely have no intention of moving away from anime or my past. I simply wish to redefine who I am in relation to them, rather than being defined by them.

...I’ve discovered a lot about myself over the past 2 years since college started, more than I ever thought possible. I discovered a lot while in China, too. And I need my online persona to reflect that in every form, as I’ve done every time there was a change.

Thank you all for being with me on this journey: for following me, for reading my posts, for liking my art, for talking with me and blowing up my notifications on every platform...

I’ll be pursuing the next chapter(s) of Human, TIDU, and other works soon. ^.^

[teacoffeeandwhatnot]

The Gay Agenda - Chapter 1

Summary: Our eager contestants here are going to attempt to test how fragile sexuality can be! Each contestant will have to find a man, whom they have never met before, and flirt, with the ultimate goal of scoring a date! Our judges will then rate their performance on a scale of 1-10, based on criteria such as smoothness, suaveness, subtlety and a lot of other words starting with 's' (he winks again, and the audience laughs at what he is insinuating).

OR: The ultimate gay game show that is a monster multi-fandom mess, with appearances from all our favorite Iconic Gays.

(Also on my Ao3)

This is my new monster of a fic that I’ve been working on! It’s multi-fandom. This is just the Intro chapter, I aim to update Sundays. I hope you like it and subscribe/follow for updates!

(Sentences written in Italic is what is being said by the panel, or people in the studio. Normal text is what is happening otherwise.)

(If anyone had any doubts, by the time the opening sequence was over, they would be rid of them. There was no denying this show was, for lack of a better phrase, the gayest show ever. The enormous logo was written in a curly cursive, exploded with every single color you could imagine and adorned with waaaay too much fucking glitter. To begin the show, the camera panned over 11 people sitting in a half-moon, panel like set up, before zooming in and settling on the host.)

“Hello and welcome to The Gay Agenda!! I’m your host Holland, nice to meet you!

As always, our panelists: (The camera swipes over them one by one, as they are being introduced.)

Heechul, coming at you with the strong opinions; Kibum, our sass-master extraordinaire (The way Kibum rolled his eyes as the camera panned to him was enough explanation as to his introduction anyone would need really.); our very own sunshine Taemin and our lovely maknae Daehwi!

Give them a big round of applause everyone!!!” (The audience exploded with claps, cheers and excited whoops.)

“We have some special guest judges here with us tonight as well!

First off, we have Kim Seokjin and Kim Namjoon! How are you Seokjin-hyung?”

“Ready and very excited to be here! Actually, my cousin is one of the contestants on the show. He doesn’t know that I’m going to be here though, so that will be fun when he finds out.” (The evil glint in Jin’s eyes makes the entire audience laugh, a true variety show king.)

“Delightful! Our next special guest couple are Bang Chan and Kim Woojin! They are actually the youngest guest judges we’ve had on the show so far, both ’97 liners! Are you excited?”

“Very, yes, thank you for having us, hyung!” (The audience cooed at Chan’s politeness and megawatt smile) “We actually nominated one of our friends, Minho, to be here tonight, because you wouldn’t believe how bad his whining is when he’s single. He’s somewhat of a, for lack of a better word, hoe or what the kids would call ‘a confident gay’, so I think he’ll do pretty well, right Woojin?”

“To be real honest, we’re not leaving here unless he has someone, because I can’t take it one more minute.” (Once again, the audience laughs along. Holland is surprised at how natural everyone seems to be on camera.)

“Last but not least, we have Choi Seungcheol and Yoon Jeonghan!”

“Holland, I can already tell that there are some baby panicked gays and some very confident gays here, and I honestly don’t know which I’m more excited about! I am already smitten with Seungkwan and would like to legally adopt him please, Cheol.”

“Ok, babe, take it easy. But same as Jeonghan and hyungs said, I’m very excited since there seems to be a big variety here.”

“Well, before we begin, for those of you who are tuning in with us for the first time, let me explain our agenda (he winks and throws in some finger guns for good measure.) for the show.

Our eager contestants here are going to attempt to test how fragile sexuality can be! Each contestant will have to find a man, whom they have never met before, and flirt, with the ultimate goal of scoring a date! Our judges will then rate their performance on a scale of 1-10, based on criteria such as smoothness, suaveness, subtlety and a lot of other words starting with 's' (he winks again, and the audience laughs at what he is insinuating).

Our lovely field reporter Jimin will keep up with our contestants and be the go-to source for questions and concerns. He will also lead the small crash course that will happen before our little gay ducklings will be released into the world.” (Holland turns towards the fixed panel, to address the panelist for the first time.)

“So Taemin-hyung, what are you expecting tonight?”

“Well I’m obviously very excited.”

“Just like every week, a true sunshine!” (Audience laughter)

“I’ve had a few short chats with some of the contestants backstage and there seem to be some really promising people here tonight! Some seemed a little nervous, which is totally understandable, but we’ll have to see how that will pan out in the field.”

“Thank you, hyung. Heechul-hyung, what are you thinking?”

“Well most of the time our contestants are very unpredictable, so I am very excited to see everyone’s game plans. There seem to be a lot of different personalities and my favorite part is always seeing something totally unexpected, so I’m hoping we’re in for some good surprises tonight!”

(Kibum chimes in) “Talking of surprises, I always love to see what someone’s type is, since that isn’t really something you can tell from just looking at them. And of course, the judging, because why would I be here if I didn’t like judging people.” (His innocent-seeming shrug made the audience laugh once more.)

“Of course, to be expected from hyung. Daehwi, any thoughts before we begin?”

“Well hyung, I’m actually very excited about the younger contestants we have here today. I’m really happy that younger people, who are around my age have the courage to express themselves and aren’t afraid to be who they want to be so I’m very happy about them being here tonight!”

“Well as you can tell, we here in the studio are all super excited to see what our contestants can do! We will be right back to get started after this short break. Don’t go anywhere!”

(The camera pans out and cuts to commercial.)

Pt. 2 

[sapphicscholar]

Summary: 

“Alex has no memory of the attack, nor of Reign or really much of the past couple of months,” J’onn explained.

“And?”

Eliza turned to face Maggie. “And she’s asking for you, Maggie. She’s asking for her fiancée.”

Or the one where Alex loses her memory and wakes up thinking she and Maggie are still together.

A/N: Alright, I've never written anything quite so angsty, but my fiancée asked for angst and amnesia, then along came this prompt on Twitter, and here we are. I hope you...is enjoy the right word with angst? Who knows! I'm a little nervous about posting tbh.

The first two chapters are short, and then we jump to long chapters from there on out. Most of the fic is already written (and it's completely plotted out), so it'll be posted on a regular basis until it's done (I'm thinking about 6 or 7 chapters over 2-3 weeks)

Chapter Text:

“Turn off your phone!” a voice yelled from behind Maggie in the movie theater, and she scrambled to find it and click off the volume. She’d never wanted to be one of those people, yet here she was: that asshole sitting in a crowded theater with her phone’s ringtone blaring, not muffled in the slightest by her seat or the bag. And god, it was for a random number too, not even the precinct. It wasn’t like she could do the whole, “I’m a cop! It’s an emergency!” and run out looking like someone who mattered.

Really, the whole incident seemed like a summation of her life these days: one shitshow after another. She didn’t even care that much about the movie; it had just seemed like a good way to get out of her shitty new apartment for a few hours to distract from the reality of everything that had happened. New apartment. She hated that phrase. It sounded like something she chose. Like how once upon a time National City was her “new home” because she’d chosen to leave Gotham. Only this time she hadn’t been the one to make a choice at all. Alex had. Alex had decided that her earlier promises about Maggie’s being everything she needed didn’t actually hold true, that Maggie wasn’t enough for her, just like she’d never been enough for anyone to want to keep her around. And so now Maggie had a “new apartment” far from the precinct with water stains on her ceiling and rats in the stairwell and a cheap mattress she’d gotten at IKEA that felt like sleeping on a pile of old yellow phonebooks. It made her long for the days of dormrooms and regulation furniture. At least then she had someone to call about the rats.

When she looked back up at the screen, she realized she had no idea what was going on. Two people were kissing, and she only recognized one of them. After a few more minutes of confusing dialogue, she got up and left. It wasn’t like the wasted twelve bucks for her ticket really compared to the wasted thousands of dollars on wedding shit that she’d let Alex convince her mattered. Because it had mattered to Alex, and Alex had mattered to her. She would’ve been happy enough to go down to the courthouse and get married—it wasn’t like she had family or even many friends coming out for her. The handful of friends she was still close with would understand. They’d make it down to whatever casual celebration Maggie eventually threw. Really, she’d wanted to have a party on the beach—just get the people closest to them to come out and have a bonfire and some drinks and good food and celebrate being alive and together and happy. Even after all these years, Alex still loved the beach, and Maggie loved things that made Alex look light and happy, like the cares and stresses of her job and her day-to-day life could finally fade to the background. But Alex had wanted the biggest, gayest wedding National City had ever seen, and Maggie couldn’t say no to that. And, she thought, with Alex by her side, she might just have been able to want that too, even if her side of the wedding would be quite a bit smaller than Alex’s, filled out as hers would by her family and all their friends. The same friends she saw still hanging out with Alex at the alien bar—the bar that had once been a space where she felt comfortable. She stopped going. It wasn’t the same after M’gann left anyway.

As she wandered the blocks around the theater, Maggie checked her phone, finding a voicemail from the unknown number. Furrowing her brow, she typed in her password and held the phone up to her ear.

“Ms. Sawyer? This is Nurse Roberts at National City General. I’m calling because Ms. Danvers was in an accident and is in the ICU, and this is the number she had listed as her emergency contact.”

Maggie hung up before the nurse had even finished her message. She was in a cab before she was quite conscious of having hailed one. In what felt like mere seconds, she found her feet propelling her toward the front doors of the hospital she knew too well from seeing crime scene victims rushed here after terrible accidents.

“Can I help you, ma’am?”

Maggie blinked slowly, as if just now realizing that she had made it all the way up to the ICU. “I, uh, I’m her emergency contact.”

The woman arched an eyebrow at her. “Whose emergency contact?”

“Alex. Alex Danvers.” The words felt heavy in her mouth, and nothing seemed like it was quite real.

“ID?”

Maggie passed over her badge, figuring it worked as well as anything else.

“She’s in room 311. Can you follow the signs alright?”

“What happened?”

The nurse’s frustration seemed to give way into pity then. “I don’t know, dear. Her nurses and doctors will be able to tell you more.”

Maggie nodded mutely before wandering down the corridor. Everything seemed different, like she was getting all the sensory inputs but not in a way that made sense anymore. She heard herself speaking and responding, but the voice didn’t sound like her own, and her body seemed to move independently, as if it still knew what to do even when she no longer did.

“Ma’am. Ma’am!” a voice yelled as if from underwater.

“Yeah?”

“You can’t go in there,” the nurse explained, stepping in front of Maggie.

“I’m her emergency contact.”

“Ah, Ms. Sawyer?” he asked.

“That’s me.”

“Alex is currently being examined by her doctor, but you’ll be able to see her in a few minutes.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want a seat? I can drag a chair into the hallway for you.”

“What happened to her?” Maggie asked once more.

“No one told you?”

Maggie was surprised to find that the urge to snap and yell wasn’t as strong as she expected it would be in a situation like this. There had been a few times when Alex had gotten injured at the DEO or when she’d been late home from a dangerous mission. Somehow this felt different. Maybe it was because she genuinely knew nothing this time. How could she be mad when she needed whatever scraps of information she could salvage from these people? “No,” she answered simply.

“She suffered severe trauma to the head.”

“Is she…”

“She’s in a coma right now. We…people do wake up, though.”

“Right.”

Maggie slumped down to the floor of the hallway, ignoring the nurse’s offers to get her a chair. Eventually the doctor came out and said more words to her. They were all similar. Coma. And traumatic brain injury. And blunt force. Then he told her she could go in.

It wasn’t how she’d expected to see Alex for the first time in months. She’d caught glimpses of her at crime scenes, and then the one time out at the bar, but she hadn’t seen her like this. Well, she’d never seen her like this. Now Alex’s face was mottled with deep bruises. A line of stitches ran across her skull and through her hair, and there was still some matted blood that the sponge bath Maggie assumed she probably got hadn’t taken care of. She wondered how much earlier Alex had gotten hurt. She wondered why she hadn’t been called then. Then again, if it was urgent enough that she was rushed into surgery without identification…she didn’t want to think about what any of it meant.

She sat still in the chair until the doctor came in again to check Alex’s vitals. It was a new doctor this time—a woman with graying hair and shallow wrinkles around her eyes. She introduced herself, and Maggie managed the most basic of pleasantries. She didn’t seem to expect anything more from Maggie.

One of the overnight nurses brought Maggie a blanket and a pillow at some point and showed her how to use the recliner in case she wanted to sleep. Maggie reclined the chair back and covered herself with the blanket and stared up at the tiled ceiling. There were watermarks on this one too.