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blazichu · 6 years ago

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VtMB Unofficial Patch Histories

Disclaimer: Extremely long. Sorry if you encounter this on mobile.

Brujah Male

Homosexual: You always found your own gender more attractive than the other sex, although many people still have issues dealing with this. Maybe vampire society is different.

True Brujah: Many blame the stereotype of the rebellious Brujah on Triole, the hot-blooded Methuselah whose progeny compose the bulwark of modern Clan Brujah. You share no blood with Triole. As such, you are predisposed to learned idealism instead of belligerent iconoclasm.

Infomercial Huckster: I made millions from my tiny one-bedroom apartment, placing tiny classified ads, buying and selling, and with 1-900 lines. And so can you!

Special Forces: Yeah, you were Special Forces. Black ops and all that. Which branch? You could say... but you’d have to kill everyone within earshot. No, seriously.

Dive Bar Bouncer: Nobody could pass you when you stood in in a doorway and you had a lot of fun throwing people out. Now it will be even easier to hurt people.

Dropped as a Baby: If you’re gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough. As a kid you took a lot of abuse for that funny slope in your skull... until you started fighting back.

Glass Eye: It was true what they said. You shot your eye out. It was hard growing up with a creepy glass eye, but as an adult you learned to put it to work for you. There’s something about your unnerving stare that makes people do what you say.

Quickling: The Embrace made you feel lighter than air, a sensation that has yet to leave you.

Anti-Paladin: A bully in life, a tyrant in death. You were born into undeath with savage combat prowess and an inclination to use it. And when you do, it’s a terrible sight to behold.

All-Star Athlete: You were an excellent athlete who excelled at all physical activities. However, you’re not naturally the sharpest tool in the shed. Compound that with the fact that you spent most of your time and energy exercising, you don’t really know much about anything else.

Academic: You were the Academic type, as was your Brujah sire, living up to the old Brujah image of the poet-warrior.

Brujah Female

Homosexual: You always found your own gender more attractive than the other sex, although many people still have issues dealing with this. Maybe vampire society is different.

Voyeur Website Model: Maybe you weren’t the prettiest girl in school, but you could still make dirty old men sit up and beg. And pay for it. Hey, it beats Taco Bell.

Fixer: You had the streets wired. There was nothing you couldn’t find. Drugs, guns, prostitutes of every shape, age and color. One time you got Giraffe Ribeyes on a 24 hours’ notice. And apparently you’ve had more than a couple vampire clients. Who knew? You left an impression and now here you are.

Purveyor of Vice: Smoking, drinking, drugs, you did it all while you were still alive. Now in death only blood is left to turn you on.

Dropped as a Baby: If you’re gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough. As a kid you took a lot of abuse for that funny slope in your skull... until you started fighting back.

Quickly: The Embrace made you feel lighter than air, a sensation that has yet to leave you.

Anti-Paladin: A bully in life, a tyrant in death. You were born into undeath with savage combat prowess and an inclination to use it. And when you do, it’s a terrible sight to behold.

Academic: You were the Academic type, as was your Brujah sire, living up to the old Brujah image of the poet-warrior.

Gangrel Male

Homosexual: You always found your own gender more attractive than the other sex, although many people still have issues dealing with this. Maybe vampire society is different.

Environmental Activist: You were a member of Greenpeace in life, always fighting to protect the environment, riding with the whales and climbing nuclear reactors. Knowing about cause and effect was important then.

Pagan: Your beliefs center on the Gnostic pantheon, and your kinship with nature is strong. After you were Embraced, you were naturally more in tune with the Beast within and that affinity is now apparent.

Mortician: The irony isn’t lost on you now. All those nights in the echoing silence with the husks of former humanity. You always thought it was your fate you were staring into. Then one night it happened. Finally. One of them-- a hell of a fine specimen, you were thinking-- woke up.

Ex-Cop: You were a great cop-- until a meth-head’s knife glanced your spine and left you relegated to deskwork for the rest of your career.

Perv: You love women. Good God Almighty, do you love women. You love their bits ‘n you love their places. Mmmmmm yeah. They never really reciprocated your interest, but, well, fuck ‘em. In underneath your suppressed appetites have reemerged.

Chupacabra: Rumor has it you are descended from the legendary Chupacabra-- the blood-frenzied devil that has haunted the Mexican country for generations. The veracity of this dubious distinction is impossible to discern, but your feral instincts are strong.

Insectoid: Maybe it’s the vague compulsion to spin a web, or when you catch yourself trying to use your imaginary feelers, but something in your Gangrel blood is exceptional.

Anda Gangrel: Descendant of nomadic vampire-warriors, you were bred for extreme trials of endurance.

Close to the Beast: After you were Embraced, you were naturally more in tune with the Beast within and that affinity is now physically apparent.

Pot Head: Scientists say that smoking pot can make you more stupid. That may explain your terrible memory as you often forget names and other details. However, you have a very relaxed attitude toward life, or unlife.

Gangrel Female

Homosexual: You always found your own gender more attractive than the other sex, although many people still have issues dealing with this. Maybe vampire society is different.

Environmental Activist

Pagan Priestess: You believe your Embrace into Clan Gangrel was destiny. You were priestess to a pagan sect in life, and nature is the center of your mind, body and soul. After you were Embraced, you were naturally more in tune with the Beast within.

Ex-Cop: You were a great cop-- until a meth-head’s knife glanced your spine and left you relegated to deskwork for the rest of your career.

Hard-Ass Chica: You were born into a neighborhood just outside of downtown LA. It might as well have been the Third World. And you were just one girl kicking and biting her way to survival. In the middle of famine and marauding victimizers, gang life was life.

Beastmistress: Mortal creatures sense vampires as an abomination, outsiders to the natural order. Your presence, however, seems to pacify the animal spirit like a sickly sweet intoxicant.

Insectoid: Maybe it’s the vague compulsion to spin a web, or when you catch yourself trying to use your imaginary feelers, but something in your Gangrel blood is exceptional.

Anda Gangrel: Descendant of nomadic vampire-warriors, you were bred for extreme trials of endurance.

Close to the Beast: After you were Embraced, you were naturally more in tune with the Beast within and that affinity is now physically apparent.

Malkavian Male

Homosexual: You always found your own gender more attractive than the other sex, although many people still have issues dealing with this. Maybe vampire society is different.

Cut-Rate Party Clown: It was just supposed to be until you put things back together after Evelyn left you. Here it is, 3 years 3,246 scotches later. Somehow you’ve kept this gig going without one repeat customer. Truly, America is the greatest nation on earth.

Nutty Weatherman: Your inane banter and masterful use of the awkward segue was the toast of Bumblefuck, Illinois. So you took to the big leagues and, wouldn’t ya know it? First skank you pick up at an airport goes and kills you.

Long and Little Foot: ‘Don’t help me!’ Your dual deformities make life difficult, but you’re one of those hard-luck, triumph-in-the-face-of-adversity stories that people gobble up.

Burnout: Science has yet to prove the link between marijuana and decreased mental capacity. You say you’ve always been a little slow, but that’s just because you’re so mellow.

Ninja: You think you’re a ninja. Kee-ai!

Doomseer: The paralyzing fear of eternal death has an iron grip on you. Doom is just around he corner for you, for everyone, you just know it. And you lack faith in your vampire abilities. What’s the use anyway?

Completely Batshit: The curse of Clan Malkavian burns white-hot in your veins. You are a brimming cauldron of lunacy.

Subtly Insane: Your insanity does not hinder your ability to interact with others too greatly. At first glance, most wouldn’t even second guess your mental stability.

Occult Nut: Who would have thought that any of it could be real? You loved dark fantasies and considered yourself Occult-savvy. Now that you’re among the Kindred, you find that you actually know some of this stuff and are really excited about learning more about your new state of life.

Deaf: You were born practically deaf. Not only did you overcome your disability, you enjoy helping others cope and get ahead in life.

Malkavian Female

Homosexual: You always found your own gender more attractive than the other sex, although many people still have issues dealing with this. Maybe vampire society is different.

Ex-Gymnast-Stripper: Your entire childhood was spent either in school or at practice. Daddy was too busy to tell you there’s no such thing as a professional gymnast. And mommy... well, mommy was busy looking for a new daddy.

Women’s Prison Guard: You were a black-hearted, violence-loving badass when you were alive, and you’re still an evil maniac in unlife. You had always hoped it would be more like skinemax. If only.

Long and Little Foot: ‘Don’t help me!’ Your dual deformities make life difficult, but you’re one of those hard-luck, triumph-in-the-face-of-adversity stories that people gobble up.

Burnout: Science has yet to prove the link between marijuana and decreased mental capacity. You say you’ve always been a little slow, but that’s just because you’re so mellow.

Ninja: You think you’re a ninja. Kee-ai!

Completely Batshit: The curse of Clan Malkavian burns white-hot in your veins. You are a brimming cauldron of lunacy.

Subtly Insane: Your insanity does not hinder your ability to interact with others too greatly. At first glance, most wouldn’t even second guess your mental stability.

Deaf: You were born practically deaf. Not only did you overcome your disability, you enjoy helping others cope and get ahead in life.

Nosferatu Male

Homosexual: You always found your own gender more attractive than the other sex, although many people still have issues dealing with this. Maybe vampire society is different.

Video Game Publisher: You relish a sad pleasure in ruining promising game developing studios with impossible deadlines.

Eco-Terrorist Hacker: You were an expert computer hacker dedicated to preserving the environment, sticking it to the man, one denial-of-service at a time. Your side was attracted to your dedication and respect for nature.

Pedagogue: I always said he’d come to no good in the end, your honor. If they’d let me have my way, I could’ve flayed him into shape.

Lowborn: Trash, rabble, scum-- whatever you call it, you’re the supernatural equivalent. You come from a long line of gutter-dwelling, bottom-feeding, undead riffraff. As such, you are predisposed to the dregs of humanity.

Cadaverous Flesh: Each manifestation of vampirism is unique. Yours, it turns out, carries an unfortunate deficiency. Your body wants to rot. It’s nothing that can’t be overcome, but it’s a constant drain on you.

Boogeyman: Humanity is a fascinating spectacle indeed. Everyone has wanted to be a fly on the wall at one time or another, but you were obsessed with the idea. As luck would have it, your Nosferatu progenitors all had a penchant for peeping as well.

Leatherface: Your rebirth as a hideous beast was a dream come true. The power is intoxicating. And now you’re going to make them pay-- all of them.

Shepherd of Vermin: Like a creature of urban legend you commune with pestilent scavengers and share their filthy domain.

Presentable: The Nosferatu blood from your sire was rather weak and the blood curse did not take too strong a hold on you. You’re only deformed where the moon doesn’t shine.

Peeping Tom: It’s not your fault you were born lacking in the appearance department. Since nobody likes you, your unfulfilled and repressed sexual desires have turned you into quite the little pervert.

Nosferatu Female

Homosexual: You always found your own gender more attractive than the other sex, although many people still have issues dealing with this. Maybe vampire society is different.

Gossip Columnist: Item! You’re dead! Who would have ever thought that any of it could be real? You loved dark fantasies and consider yourself Occult-savvy.

Pedagogue: I always said he’d come to no good in the end, your honor. If they’d let me have my way, I could’ve flayed him into shape.

Baglady: Your life was a big mess which left you stranded on the streets with nothing but cheap booze. And now you look even worse!

Blunt Fangs: Things were never easy for you. You fought for every scrap that was eventually stolen from you. You treasure everything you have, and savor every hard lesson learned, even while you suspect God hates you. This luck carries over to undeath. You have blunt fangs.

Cleopatra: There are fates worse than death. You know this. in life, you were an object of desire. Men wanted you, women wanted to be like you. You have been transformed into a cruel mockery of your former self. As someone acutely aware of how easy life is for the beautiful people, you have unique insight into the psychology of human and vampire alike.

Shepherd of Vermin: Like a creature of urban legend you commune with pestilent scavengers and share their filthy domain.

Presentable: The Nosferatu blood from your sire was rather weak and the blood curse did not take too strong a hold on you. You’re only deformed where the moon doesn’t shine.

Black-Hearted: You were a black-hearted, violence loving, badass when you were alive, and you’re still an evil maniac in unlife.

Toreador Male

Homosexual: You always found your own gender more attractive than the other sex, although many people still have issues dealing with this. Maybe vampire society is different.

Teamster: You believe in collective bargaining to get justice for working families. And if that fails, there’s collective wrench beatings.

Degenerate Gambler: You knew you shoulda laid the chalk. You were down. Down big. But you had to press it on a parlay with the over and caught bad beat on the hook. On the friggin’ hook. So much for Vegas. You figured you’d slum it around LA till you could build a roll to gt back in. And that’s when you met her...

Rehab Counselor: You always had an open ear for other people’s problems, even if you had to listen to some scumbags sitting in prison.

Velvet Rope Doorman: You hand-craft the scene with nothing more than a clipboard, a cheap headset, and a dispassionate contempt for humanity.

Rapacious Bloodlust: The Embrace brought out a mean streak in you. You’re constantly fighting the urge to kill, even as your power to do so grows.

Beautiful Monster: You are ruled by your passions. And some of them ain’t pretty. People find you absolutely mesmerizing. But you were always too self-absorbed to bother with normal human repartee.

Uncanny Awareness: You swear to God you can see the future. Not years from now, or even next week, but moment-to-moment you always see what’s coming. You are so acutely aware of your surroundings that you’ve been known to dodge bullets without looking.

Faelike: You are a creature of delicate beauty and ephemeral grace. You seem more likely to have spring from the pages of Spenser or Keats than Sheller or Stoker.

Starving Artist: You were a starving artist. You lived with the clothes on your back and because of your poor background, you do not have any compunction against wearing ugly clothes.

Ex-SWAT: While in the police force, you’ve developed quite a skill with firearms. However, you quite the forces after receiving a crippling injury while in the line of duty.

Toreador Female

Homosexual: You always found your own gender more attractive than the other sex, although many people still have issues dealing with this. Maybe vampire society is different.

Teamster: You believe in collective bargaining to get justice for working families. And if that fails, there’s collective wrench beatings.

Twenty-Something: It’s about the people, you know. Out here, on te streets, in the clubs... That’s where it’s going on. That’s where it’s coming together. Not in some boardroom. And the people don’t wear ties. The next generation of leaders isn’t coming from the suburbs. What? You want to go there? Why? It’s going off here... open bar? Well, okay....

Rehab Counselor: You always had an open ear for other people’s problems, even if you had to listen to some scumbags sitting in prison.

Slut: So you’re a little boy-crazy. And maybe you like to get guys’ attention. And maybe you like to fool around. That don’t mean people have the right to go talking about you and calling you names - they don’t know you!

Rapacious Bloodlust: The Embrace brought out a mean streak in you. You’re constantly fighting the urge to kill, even as your power to do so grows.

Decadent Enchantress: Beautiful, bored, and sociopathic. You amuse yourself by testing the limits of your suitors’ devotions, and you delight at the ruin they willfully suffer for your affections.

Faelike: You are a creature of delicate beauty and ephemeral grace. You seem more likely to have spring from the pages of Spenser or Keats than Sheller or Stoker.

Starving Artist: You were a starving artist. You lived with the clothes on your back and because of your poor background, you do not have any compunction against wearing ugly clothes.

Ex-SWAT: While in the police force, you’ve developed quite a skill with firearms. However, you quite the forces after receiving a crippling injury while in the line of duty.

Tremere Male

Homosexual: You always found your own gender more attractive than the other sex, although many people still have issues dealing with this. Maybe vampire society is different.

Old Timer: You are the old fashioned type and don’t care about all this new technology.

Country Club Lothario: We’re living in the age of soccer moms. And don’t you know it. Yeah, hubby might be pulling down 7 figures, but you got an empty day-planner and a grin that drops panties like putts on a par 3.

Con Artist: Discipline and order: only one thing counts in this life and that is to get them to sign on the line that is dotted.

Highway Drifter: Between the small towns that dot the Midwest, there’s a lot of open space, a lot of long shadows, and a lot of room to disappear. You know, you’ve done it. And you may have helped some other people do it too.

Eerie Presence: Most vampires have no problem fitting in to mortal society. You don’t know what it is, but you just can’t pull it off. You’re doing everything they’re doing, but something about you seems to make humans uneasy. Sometimes, it seems like they can just sense you. You were a perfectly affable, intellectual human. So what gives?

Deceptive Strength: You used to be quite clumsy, but the Embrace gave you unnatural reserves of physical power.

Eldritch Prodigy: You have a natural gift for the dark arts of Thaumaturgy, and can use it to greater effect than most Tremere. Thaumaturgy is your all-consuming passion, to the exclusion of nearly every other pursuit.

Infernal: Your forebears paid an awful price in their quest for power. The deal still holds, and you’ll continue to pay for eternity.

Affinity for Magic: You always liked magical illusions, and even performed some tricks yourself as a kid. Now you are amazed that magic is actually real.

Generalissimo: Discipline and order, tactics and warfare: these are the reasons why you joined the army. Not only did you fit perfectly, you excelled in the military.

Tremere Female

Homosexual: You always found your own gender more attractive than the other sex, although many people still have issues dealing with this. Maybe vampire society is different.

Old Timer: You are the old fashioned type and don’t care about all this new technology.

Medicine Saleswoman: Some uptight types might say Fluoxetine for kids is over the line. Obviously, they have no idea what kind of profit margin those things pack. And have they spent time around kids? Please - they should put that stuff in baby formula.

Agent: Your representation was highly sought. And you were well compensated. You played every bit as hard as the boys cuz it takes brass balls to get it done in this town, and goddamn if you didn’t have the biggest pair. You were a power player. A threat. And your competition couldn’t handle getting shown up by a girl, so they sold you out to an undead predator. Pfft. Typical. This town is full of hate.

Bar Singer Seductress: Drunken overatures from traveling businessmen, room keys from toupeed conventioneers, a handful of restraining orders. This is the legacy of your career in entertainment.

Deceptive Strength: You used to be quite clumsy, but the Embrace gave you unnatural reserves of physical power.

Infernal: Your forebears paid an awful price in their quest for power. The deal still holds, and you’ll continue to pay for eternity.

Affinity for Magic: You always liked magical illusions, and even performed some tricks yourself as a kid. Now you are amazed that magic is actually real.

Generalissimo: Discipline and order, tactics and warfare: these are the reasons why you joined the army. Not only did you fit perfectly, you excelled in the military.

Ventrue Male

Homosexual: You always found your own gender more attractive than the other sex, although many people still have issues dealing with this. Maybe vampire society is different.

Juvenile Hall Disciplinarian: Already as a teen you loved to demonstrate your influence and power over others.

Union Boss: You’re a blue-collar success story, a self-made man of the people. The respect of your workers and the gratification of a job well done was all you ever wanted in return. So the kickbacks and extortion money were all icing.

Industry Lobbyist: You have a big ego. You represented industry and pressed their agenda in the halls of power. Which industry? Which one’s paying?

Corporate Schmo: There’s no room in your cubicle to hand your Business degree. You were reprimanded for having a wrinkled shirt. And you laughed when your buddy decided to major in Rhetoric. Now he’s a sitcom writer ad wears Birkenstocks to work. He always said “business casual is the dress of defeat”. Maybe you could go back and get your MBA....

War Profiteer: Er, Defense Contractor. Someone has to make sure the troops get hot means and video teleconferencing from home. And if, while you’re over there, you can help the natives get their economy running by landing some bloated, no-bid oil services the contracts from your buddies in government, great! It’s win-win! So one of your truck drivers gets beheaded on the internet; who doesn’t realize that risk when they sign up for the job?

Runaway: Your old man was a bastard. You can say that now. It took years just to be able to mention him. You’re making progress, but you still avoid confrontation, and you don’t know if you’ll ever be comfortable with being touched.

Diabolic: In addition to the Beast Within, you struggle against an even darker force. You feel the pull of salvation and damnation in your every action.

Cleaner: Not every Ventrue is afraid to get their hands dirty. Some problems need to be met head on, and occasionally matters are too delicate to sic the Gangrel on them. While your bloodline dosn’t come from the sunny side of the Ventrue family tree, they’ve always been entrusted to take care of such problems.

Megalomaniac: You have a big ego. Because of your confidence in yourself and your abilities, people either really hate you, or are drawn to you.

Well Educated: You were very privileged and gained excellent education all-around.

Ventrue Female:

Homosexual: You always found your own gender more attractive than the other sex, although many people still have issues dealing with this. Maybe vampire society is different.

Juvenile Hall Disciplinarian: Already as a teen you loved to demonstrate your influence and power over others.

Industry Lobbyist: You have a big ego. You represented industry and pressed their agenda in the halls of power. Which industry? Which one’s paying?

Southern Debutante: You were very privileged and gained excellent education. Mother would be so proud if she knew you were accepted into the *best* vampire clan around!

Dominatrix: You’ve always been persuasive, but as a vampire, few can deny your will.

Diabolic: In addition to the Beast Within, you struggle against an even darker force. You feel the pull of salvation and damnation in your every action.

Megalomaniac: You have a big ego. Because of your confidence in yourself and your abilities, people either really hate you, or are drawn to you.

Well Educated: You were very privileged and gained excellent education all-around.

#vampire: the masquerade #vtmb #vtm

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manifestoonmoralmanlove · 6 years ago

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Gormless Ch. 11 – I’m Korma for you, imperialistic dogs

A well-meaning friend gave me a book series that is hilariously bad. The first book was Souless and my riffs were entitled brainless. This second book is entitled Changless and these riff are then gormless.

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

The story is SUPPOSED TO be about how a badass lady wearing a rad-looking carriage dress hits baddies with her umbrella and bangs her hot werewolf husband. In reality it’s mostly poor attempts at being witty, flirty, and superior.

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

This story is set in supernatural Victorian steampunk England. Alexia is our NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS protag. She is a soulless, which means she’s able to negate the abilities of vampires and werewolves by touching them. She’s recently married a big oaf, named Lord Connel Maccon. He’s the manchild in charge of the supernatural police with a zillion dollars and he’s totes super hot too ok. Their relationship is mostly arguments about how Maccon can’t tell her fucking anything. Alexia has also recently become head of ~Soulless affairs~ in Queen Victoria’s government. She has a dumb friend named Ivy, a gay vampire friend named Akeldama, a family who’s evil because they do the same shit as her but while being blonde, and most importantly Alexia is better than everyone cause…cause.

Last time on Gormless:

There’s some mysterious force that’s turning the Vampires and werewolves into humans. Alexia is in charge of figuring out that deal, and she is doing a bad job at it. They are at her husband’s old pack castle about it. Are they hiding something?????

Chapter 11 – I’m Korma for you, imperialistic dogs

Okay despite my grumblings on the lack of shit that happened last chapter. This chapter comes in HOT! And by HOT, I mean RACIST!

Basically everybody is taking a leisurely walk in the garden. Ivy asks the military bros about, “how brave they are to fight the ~primitives~ in India.”

HAHA OKAY! LET’S JUST KEEP TRUCKING!

Maccon says it’s just minor pacification at this point, thus implying that he’s done the same sort of business which is super good and great.

Oh but here’s a big old sticking point for me, one of the military bros says the food in India is terrible. I will preface this by saying I have only probably had ~Americanized~ Indian food from restaurants or used generic recipe websites. So we can have a discussion on whether I have had ~authentic~ Indian food and if ~authentic~ food is even a thing.

BUT INDIAN FOOD IS ONE OF THE MOST WELL-RESPECTED CUISINES IN THE WORLD, AND BRITISH PEOPLE, RIGHTLY LOVE IT! WHAT I HAVE HAD HAS BEEN UTTERLY INCREDIBLE AND I WHAT LITTLE I KNOW ABOUT IT MAKES IT IMPRESSIVE AND WONDERFUL AND GO FUCK YOURSELF!

THIS IS A HILL I WILL DIE ON! I don’t delete comments for much but if anybody comments on this chapter with even, “Indian food is just okay” COMMENT DELETED!

In this story’s defense, perhaps they think the food is bad because the Indian individuals preparing food for the exploitative brutes just took a dump on a plate and put a leaf on top.

Okay so while I fantasized about rubbing vindaloo directly into the eyes of these dipshit characters I continued…Alexia gets snippy with these military bros…but not over any of the racist horseshit, she tries to start shit over them describing Egyptian and Indian weather as hot. And maybe the author is trying to take pot-shots at these fuckers, but like why is she making snippy comments about how they describe the FUCKING weather instead of standing up for Indian people? Also Ivy was the one who started by calling them ~primitives~ but she’s not concerned with Ivy at all. Also don’t @ me with whore shit like, “Well Ivy is supposed to be dumb” dumb people aren’t automatically racist fuck off.

We move on to find out that the Kingair pack STOLE ARTIFACTS including ACTUAL FUCKING MUMMIES from Egypt when they passed through. THANKFULLY there is a blip of sanity when Maccon says that’s illegal.

Yet it gets SO MUCH WORSE when Alexia proposes a good old fashioned

MUMMY UNWRAPPING PARTY!

Which everybody gets super excited about. Those by the way were REAL THINGS in Victorian England. JUST IN CASE YOU NEEDED TO KNOW!

Maccon and Alexia go aside a moment where Alexia says the humanization is obviously coming from the artifacts they brought back and that Maccon should have them confiscated since they are illegally gained. They go back and forth about what to DO with them once they’re confiscated, and both agree that destroying them would be a bad idea…but they don’t bring up the fact you could I DON’T KNOW just return them to the country of origin? HAHA okay.

They head back to the castle and LeFoux, in proper dramatic fashion, is racing toward them saying some cliffhanger shit like, “10 dramatic turns this book could take but won’t! #7 will shock you!” But before she’s able post some hilarious reaction memes she gets SHOT in the back! DUN DUN DUN!

Then they’re getting shot at and hiding behind the umbrella cause THAT’S FOOL-PROOF but eventually are able to get everybody inside the castle.

And here they just forget anything interesting was going to happen.

Nobody seems concerned with combing the castle to find the gunman in one of these towers. I have done a few active shooter drills at my place of work, and you know what’s a big part of that? If the shooter isn’t found just literally forget about them. What could be the harm?

Instead they fuss over LeFoux with Alexia wondering, “Was she really shot? Is she faking? Is she behind all of this?” And it’s like YOU LEGIT JUST WATCHED HER GET SHOT AND WHILE SHE WAS ON THE GROUND MORE BULLETS WERE WHIZZING BY YOU! EVEN IF SHE IS, IT SEEMS LIKELY THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE INVOLVED! By the way when I say fussed over there is no description of them bandaging any wounds or anything. They don’t state outright here but in next chapter they talk about how it’s all tranquilizer bullets. It’d be nice if they mentioned it...you know this chapter. It honestly felt like they had just propped a woman bleeding out in a chair and talked about how she’s probably behind her own impending death.

This would have been a great moment dramatic moment for them to expose LeFoux’s neck for Maccon to see the Hypocras tattoo. Imagine Maccon losing his shit that they let a Hypocras Crony in their mist, and when he finds out Alexia had seen the tattoo before, gets even loonier. Alexia is ashamed that the intimacy she shared with LeFoux was perhaps cheating mixed with the shame of same-sex attraction, and kept her around in hopes that she could learn something more about her deceased father from her but instead just endangered everyone.

WASTED OPPORTUNITY!

Alexia then sneaks off to chat with Sidheag. When Alexia first met Sidheag she made a mental note of instantly liking her. This conversation starts with Alexia mentally stating that she’s ~decided to hate her.~ BITCH OVER WHAT? You’re being treated well in this castle, and she’s been polite despite you insulting her castle at every fucking turn. Alexia just hasn’t been hitting that self-misogyny quota!

Let’s start with the good part of this conversation. Alexia asks Sidheag about how she feels about what her great granddad did to the clan. Sidheag says she was 16 and off at school when it happened. (Though at one point Alexia says that Sidheag is not holding a tea cup right and thus implies she never went to finishing school at all…and it’s like…are you trying to throw a seed of doubt that she’s lying about everything? I mean that’s cool but like I think it’s kinda a big jump from ~holds tea cup in different way.~)

Anyway while Sidheag agrees with his politics, she thinks he could have handled it better. She suggests he should have killed/kicked out more of the top members involved in the attempted murder instead of just skipping town entirely. I was surprised to see the author give this situation more depth than just, “MACCON IS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING CAUSE HE IS BEST MAN!” So that’s the good part.

It seems odd that Maccon only punished 1 person despite it being a clan-wide problem. When Sidheag got back from school he put her and her boyfriend (whom was not part of the clan) in charge and everything just went peachy after that. REALLY? Seems to me the bitter leftovers from that dispute would really fucking resent a teenage human grandchild of the big bad ex-leader who hadn’t been spending much time there and her no-name boyfriend showing up to run things. If they were going to kill a queen, it doesn’t seem below them to murder the two of them, especially with nobody there to protect them.

BUT THE FUCK DO I KNOW?

Most of the conversation is more of the “I WANT GRANDADDY TO TURN ME INTO A WEREWOLF!” Which…we had that conversation before, but at least Alexia decides she wants to support her in this. Maccon is cranky when brought up but understands. Their room is ransacked, but her bag is safe. Alexia thinks that what LeFoux wanted to tell her probably involved the Aethongrapher, but she decides NOT to check it out cause ??????????? Maccon says that Tunstell brought him a special gun and they get ready for dinner. The chapter ends with Alexia making the super clever deduction that Maccon has had the ulterior motive of trying to ~fix~ his old pack.

And wow holy shit there Alexia

Sooooooo smart! This is something that really needed to be pointed out too! Greaaaaaaaaaat.

This is especially infuriating due to how it’s written Full quote:

“…You must agree I have a point.”

He turned to frown up at her. “I hate it when you come over all correct.”

Alexia trotted down the staircase until they were nose to nose. She had to stand one step up from him for it to be so. She kissed him softly. “I know. But I am so very good at it.”

She’s praised for the deduction that didn’t even need to be stated, smugs up the place, and the fucking line, “Come over all correct.” MAYBE IT’S JUST ME BUT THESE SAD ATTEMPTS OF TRYING TO SOUND PERIOD APPROPRIATE MAKE ME WANT TO YARF!

Also let me point out that Maccon has only started drama, gotten into a fist-fight, and try to or have sex with his wife the entire time he’s been there. Alexia has actually done more than he has for the clan and she hasn’t even been trying.

OH YEAH AND WE JUST GONNA FORGET SOMEONE GOT SHOT AND THE SHOOTER IS HANGING OUT IN THE CASTLE WITH YOU ALL RIGHT NOW? OKAY SURE?

Say something nice Faps:

At least something fucking happened this chapter.

I do genuinely like how Sidheag disagrees with how her great grandfather did things and she’s not demonized for it…at least not yet. I will dunk myself in boiling oil if it’s revealed that SIDHEAG IS BIG BAD CAUSE OF NOT HOLDING A TEA CUP RIGHT.

Sidheag is cool, can we not pick on her ever again?

Super looking forward to do aggressive racism of the mummy unwrapping party y’all!

#changless #gormless #riffs #riffing

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theleastcarefulofgamedevs · 6 years ago

Note

hehehehehehehehe ur turn. overshare pals

hehe im lov u ceec :)

---

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

water bottles and soda cans!

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

chocolate.... im lov it

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

cotton candy!

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

hardworking, earnest, and honestly? they gave me too much credit ebagweaganegioawnegew

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

soda bottles!

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

somewhere between boho, goth, and grunge hehe

7. earbuds or headphones?

headphones!

8. movies or tv shows?

movies,,

9. favorite smell in the summer?

you know that wet pavement smell after it rains? love that

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

dodgeball hehehe

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

nothin tbh. i don’t wake up early enough for it

12. name of your favorite playlist?

Writing Music! i made it hehehe

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring!

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

GUMMY BEARS AND JELLY BEANS

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

“A Child Called ‘It’“ by Dave Pelzer

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

cuddled up to someone in blankets,,, im lov anything with my s/o tbh

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

i have this beat up pair of blue slip ons that have bloodstains on em bc i got a nosebleed one day bwaeiugbaweugbaweubguaw

18. ideal weather?

post-raining, or like. just before it starts raining

19. sleeping position?

anything with my s/o or bein wrapped in like. a billion blankets

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

on my home pc in my room!

21. obsession from childhood?

dice and video games!

22. role model?

i know it’s gonna sound dumb but like. a lot of characters from media have influenced me a lot, like sans/komaeda etc. another one from my real life would be my aunt on my mom’s side!

23. strange habits?

i bounce my leg while listening to music or stressed,, that’s abt it. OH and i like twirling a small blanket around on my arm bc... acrobatics of sorts

24. favorite crystal?

amethyst, but anything clean cut and rounded looks rlly nice imo,,

25. first song you remember hearing?

the first day i remember in my life was christmas at my grandma’s when i was 4, so probably random christmas music ubwegebwgwebgoibgweg

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

sometimes when i get tired of sitting around at home i like to walk down to the dog park by my house!

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

cuddle,,,,,,,,,,, wrap up in a blanket with some freshly baked cookies n just. be there

28. five songs to describe you?

megalovania, medley rush 2 from the sonic rush ost, the promised neverland english op, metal crusher from undertale, metal scratchin’ from sonic rush

29. best way to bond with you?

just talk to me! im godawful at starting convos but i love talkin to ppl!

30. places that you find sacred?

every person’s room feels that way, as well as obvious places, like churches n whatnot. we went n visited my aunt’s old house so my mom could pick up some stuff and being in her room after she died in 2015 was just like. an emotion i can’t rlly describe

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

hoodie, trackpants, n sneakers hehe

32. top five favorite vines?

back at it again @ krispy kreme, ADAM, they were roommates, two dudes in a hot tub, my croissant

33. most used phrase in your phone?

either “be there soon” or “ily”

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

none tbh. i don’t watch much tv so i don’t see ads often

35. average time you fall asleep?

either 10:30 or sometime after midnight. no in between

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

it was a rage comic

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

suitcase!

38. lemonade or tea?

lemonade, but i LOVE tea!

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

LEMON CAKE....

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

i was walkin in the halls with my friend and someone dropped a styrofoam cup of pasta on my friend’s head from the second floor awbegiuawbeguiawbguaewg

41. last person you texted?

the person who sent this ask heheheheh

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

jacket pockets!

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

hoodie!

44. favorite scent for soap?

anything really, but i like whatever my s/o uses bc it would remind me of them!

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

fantasy!

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

underwear tbh. like. that and a tshirt or just underwear is the only way i can sleep

47. favorite type of cheese?

sensory issues say i have to hate all kinds of cheese outside of like. grilled cheese so let’s go with that/cheddar

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

dragonfruit!

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

GOD pretty much every quote from monomi or chiaki in danganronpa 2, but mostly “if you learn to love yourself, that love will continue to carry you for your whole life! love, love...”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

OH HERES A FUCKIN STORY OK so i was at my friend’s house with a bunch of others bc we were doin a sleepover type thing and we were eating raising canes in his attic at like 3 am and some guy high on like. 3 different drugs at once got impaled through the leg on his fence. nobody saw him but we knew he was there and the cops were there in like 3 minutes. that very same friend has some of the most wack stories ngl

51. current stresses?

just doing well in school and making sure my s/o is happy!

52. favorite font?

comic sans.......................... im sorry

53. what is the current state of your hands?

my palms b sweaty but my fingers are dehydrated tbh. typin

54. what did you learn from your first job?

work.... difficult

55. favorite fairy tale?

probably the princess and the frog!

56. favorite tradition?

christmas!

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

probably my most noteworthy traumas tbh. gettin therapy for em, too

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

writing, my ability to overcome obstacles, being able to help ppl as well as i can, and making friends fast!

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“Not dead yet.”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Probably either shounen, romance, or moe,,,,

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

“It’s a beautiful day outside. Birds are singing, flowers are blooming. On days like these, kids like you... should be burning in hell.”

62. seven characters you relate to?

sans, komaeda, makoto naegi, komaru naegi, toko fukawa, chiaki nanami, and chihiro fujisaki!

63. five songs that would play in your club?

they’d all be fall out boy tbh. that and videogame osts

64. favorite website from your childhood?

armor games hehe

65. any permanent scars?

i don’t think so? at least, not yet

66. favorite flower(s)?

roses and anything blue!

67. good luck charms?

my dice sets!

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

vanilla york peppermint patties... gross

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

pikmin in pikmin 1 who are underneath a bridge when it’s completed are killed because they get pushed through the ground

70. left or right handed?

right handed!

71. least favorite pattern?

probably the hellish bumpy pattern all teachers have all over their fuckin classrooms

72. worst subject?

math

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

chicken nuggets in milkshake... good. or frankly just like. cooked chicken mixed with anythin cold like ice or ice cream

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

like. 3 or 4

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

i was eating a crunch bar and it fell out hehe

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

I WOULD DIE FOR FRENCH FRIES.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

any small blooming plant, like a single rose or flower!

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

hrm. coffee from a gas station tbh

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

NEITHER LOOK GOOD LMAO and i don’t have a driver’s license. that’s just like. a prediction

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

jewel tones!

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

lightning bugs!

82. pc or console?

either works but i spend more time on pc!

83. writing or drawing?

writing, but i like both!

84. podcasts or talk radio?

talk radio, but i love podcasts like TAZ or Critical Role!

84. barbie or polly pocket?

neither? but probably barbie bc it’s more well known? idk

85. fairy tales or mythology?

mythology!

86. cookies or cupcakes?

cupcakes all the way b

87. your greatest fear?

me being the last person i know alive. i’d rather die than outlive everyone

88. your greatest wish?

i hope that no matter what there is after we die, i get to be with the people that are most important to me.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

my s/o and family tbh

90. luckiest mistake?

buying danganronpa bweguowabguawebogbaweibg

91. boxes or bags?

boxes!

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights!

93. nicknames?

i go by wes, dev, bines, anything rlly

94. favorite season?

spring!

95. favorite app on your phone?

tumblr hehe

96. desktop background?

it’s the ddlc cast! it’s a greyscaled image of four of the events cut together and their eyes glow hehe

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

only one, and it’s my dads bc i have to call him every time i go to my grandparents’ hehe

98. favorite historical era?

probably the one we’re in now tbh, but like. also hate it

2 notes · View notes

violetsystems · 4 years ago

Text

#personal

I'm sitting on a stool at my desktop instead of my laptop this morning. You can spin around on it and point to the person on the left or right of you. There's nobody here as usual. Something that has been the same since I don't know how long. It's a good reminder sometimes that I get through a lot of things alone in this city. Yesterday I went to get coffee at Blue Bottle with my gear. I set up on the other side of the river in a chair. It's about the closest you could get to a New York vibe if this were as diverse and exciting as New York. I spent enough time there to take some notes about the wattage from the panel and the direction of the sun. These days I gauge how happy I am by how long I can sit in public and go unbothered. It's hard to go unnoticed now when you are me. Some people would claim that's a great thing. Celebrity opens so many doors. All of them are closed for me. Nobody speaks directly to me in public. Indirectly is another story. People still remember me as the guy who wears all the funny text on his clothes. I've been a lot less font oriented this season in terms of fashion. I've been dressing down considerably in comfortably fitting urban camping gear. Setting up a solar panel by the river is a vibe that fits that. I've read companies like Chanel were investing heavily in solar. It's not a bad idea. I get the same charge from the sun for my portable generator as I do from my outlet. I've never tried plugging it into anything else but it's 35 watts steady with no clouds or people standing in front of it. People definitely like to be seen out here. Mostly around me. It's like when people think you are a big deal here they'll test themselves against you. And that's about ninety nine percent of the traffic that tries to invade my personal space. I used to yell and scream about it. Mostly because I was overwhelmed by it. Yesterday was no different. The pinnacle was the Hare Krishna Yacht that made it a point to patrol the inlet chanting at the shore while drifting by. The secret about Illinois is that people love to shove their freedom in your face. Most of the time it's religious freedom. That goes hand in hand with tax evasion and racketeering for the most part. But Chicago is like that. When you talk about corruption, it's on parade every day here. Give yourself long enough in public and a group of them will track you down to use you as a soapbox. This is an every day thing with me. So much so that you have to read into every act of aggression as a terrorist act. This includes cutting the internet with no explanation. If you try to explain it, you'll end up on loop in your kitchen stomping the floor. Gaslighting that is running out of gas. There's more in heaven where that came from I guess.

It's gotten so out of control that it's hard to leave your doorstep without wondering if some revolutionary action is about to take place. I honestly have spent more than every waking moment trying to assess the threat. It would make sense if you had a cybersecurity skillset this would be the norm. My apartment these days is accountable as nearly seventy five percent of my office. I guess that's why they call it a studio. What I do behind closed doors when my internet connection isn't being stolen lies in the realm of "zero trust." It's a way to say anything that isn't safeguarded behind a layer of network security or three is not trusted. I trust these days when I go to the grocery that there are about two or three spotters on every trip. The same people wander by me two or three times every ten random blocks. It gets to be something of a nightmare. When I come home I shut the door and bask in the cabin fever. Which is why the river is a nice getaway for late summer. But with all this celebrity you wonder why anybody wants to be seen. It doesn't pay my bills exactly. There is a thing called investor confidence. But really my financial recovery is something I've held very close to my chest. Sure I make jokes about it. I invest in things I believe in. Clean energy, companies empowering women, and maybe even animal well being. But it always cuts into somebody's bottom line. Whose bottom line would be a question to ask this city. Nobody ever talks to me. And yet I'm supposed to read into their T-shirts they parade around me in a stalking fashion. The last one was literally a print of an article from a tabloid called the Cut. It read simply "I am a prisoner of my own vanity." Just a half hour before, a mediocre white man with a seafoam gildan peacocked in front of my solar panel. The words simply read "unplug." Was it a demand? I don't know. All I know is that right wing Christians have found a way to grief me on near terrorist levels. And it gets old trying to deal with it while everyone else pretends I'm some revolutionary. I'm just Tim. Meanwhile, people never talk. Never communicate. Simply stare off with a self satisfied smile that they know more about me than I do. It's all scary fucking shit when you have to process it daily. I don't bother processing it. It's sort of jumped the shark completely at this point. I know what I know and I don't actually know anything. I'm not part of some secret cadre of people. I don't literally have any information about where I'm going. Who cares about me is a very understood kind of thing. Nothing definite. Nothing guaranteed. I'm afraid to seek employment in this atmosphere particularly in this city because of social engineering. I'd rather save my money and wait for a clean exit. And therein it looks like if nothing happens by my birthday, I will need to flee somewhere alone altogether.

I don't actually think this will happen. There's a lot of good things that have happened over the last year. Financially things have been better than they've ever been. More so that I manage it better and no longer have debt. So much so that when I come home from an appointment, there are Christians protesting on my corner yelling at me directly. "Your bank account won't get you into heaven!" Does this sound familiar? Religious sects abusing your privacy to threaten you with religious persecution. This is Illinois. The sooner you get that these people are digging their own grave the better. People act like I'm the problem after abandoning me for over a year. The disgruntled worker's revolution from my old job is avenging my erased memory by forming a union without acknowledging I exist except to stalk me in the grocery aisle. Maybe that's why they've been following me around. Or is it the mob? Or is it the gangs? Or is it the police? I don't care who the fuck it is. You fucking bother me and it's dumb. Everybody expects to be part of a movement that nobody can call by name. I have one you know. It's called Tim. Less timid and more intimidating. I don't apologize for it. If I did I'd be dead by now. I'm grumpy for sure. Who wouldn't be when your civil rights have been pissed on daily like it's some moral play. All the stuff I bitch about is one hundred percent transparent and true. I guess that makes me a writer. A writer who can't generate any income from anything except mining ethereum and updating css on decade old websites for spare change. I have been isolated and alone. I have been better off because of it. And people just wait on the sidelines ready to dig their fingers into your corpse. I hate it here. I fucking literally hate everything about this town. These people. Their fucking silent expectant looks. Pay attention to me. Understand my pain. Listen to my problems. Fix this unfixable thing like you always do. It gets old. It gets dumb. And it doesn't get better. So I spend less money. I participate in less bullshit. I try to work out my anger in private. And nothing I can do fixes or changes anything. I reach out to the proper authorities and get no response. It only gets more invasive and dumb. And I just start getting more cocky and sardonic. I don't like being angry. I'm a very gentle person. I love animals. I love nature. I see things delicately and am constantly appalled at the barbaric and overbearing nature of the public. Everybody has something to say but never listens. Everybody has a comment for their soapbox but you never learn anything from it. Everybody is so hell bent at winner takes all that they'll break everything to squander it. I'm more about win win than anybody knows. And behind the scenes where I trust hardly anything I still think I'm winning through all of this. Regardless of what you see when you stalk me in the streets. You don't know shit, Chicago. <3 Tim

0 notes

acuppellarp · 7 years ago

Photo

We’re excited to announce that Wen has decided to level up Olivia Smith-Parker from a mumu minor character to a main character! Please go through the checklist to make sure you’re ready to go and send in your account within the next 24 hours.

OOC INFO

Name + pronouns: Wen, she/her Age: Pepperidge Farms Timezone: GMT+1 Ships: Olive/Chemistry Anti-Ships: Olive/Forced

IC INFO

Full Name: Olivia Jane Smith-Parker Face Claim: Daisy Ridley Age/Birthday: 26, September 8 Occupation: ASPCA vet Personality: generous, sensitive, optimistic, stubborn, nurturing, idealist Hometown: Liverpool, England Bio:

Olivia Smith was born an old soul. That’s what her mum said when she first looked into Olive’s eyes, anyway. And her dad, who’s always been more of a realist, said all newborns do resemble Winston Churchill somewhat, but that didn’t mean their baby girl was really old, did it? Of course, he eventually realized just what his wife had been talking about.

Olivia was never really your typical carefree little girl. That’s not to say she wasn’t happy, because she very much was. She loved life. She seemed to be perpetually smiling, and her glass was always, always half full. She just happened to care about everything more than most kids her age did. She cared about really big things like war and hunger and the fact that people were suffering all over the world. She cared about slightly less big things like animals without homes and people in hospitals. She cared about everything she perceived as unfair right down to things as tiny as someone squashing a spider instead of just putting it outside. And she didn’t just care. She wanted to help.

Her allowance lasted exactly as long as it took her to run into someone begging in the street, or see a collection box for some cause or another. She gave bits of her lunch to the pigeons, the feral cats along the way to school, and even made sure to leave some crumbs out for the ants. She was horrified to find out where meat came from, and promptly became a vegetarian at the tender age of seven. And she stood up for those she thought couldn’t stand up for themselves. Which, as mentioned, included everyone from refugees in war-torn countries to ants her classmates carelessly stepped on. Her dad’s decision to send her to martial arts classes stemmed directly from her fear that her relentless “activism” would inevitably get her arse kicked at some point or another. It was very much a good call on his part.

The first big change in Olivia’s life came when she was thirteen and she lost her mum. It was an accident - nothing anyone could’ve seen coming or done anything to prevent. And old soul or not, thirteen was far too young to deal with the concept of random tragedy. There was no volunteer organization or charity fund or even research team that could’ve been supported so they’d find a way to fix something like that. You can’t stand up to dumb luck and shame it for being unfair. You can’t go out on the street and collect signatures to make stupid random accidents illegal. Faced for the first time in her life with an evil she could do absolutely nothing to fight, Olive chose to focus on what she could do instead. What didn’t make her feel useless. And that was doing what she did best: caring for others.

By the time she turned fourteen, Olive had become the person who kept their family running. Her dad was far too heartbroken himself to fight his younger daughter’s near-obsessive dedication to the family, and he was far more worried about Bea’s detachment from him than about whatever benign phase Olive seemed to be going through. Olive cooked and cleaned, made detailed shopping lists for her dad to follow, handled laundry and ironed shirts to perfection, and tried (and failed, she always suspected) to give her dad and sister all the love they were missing out on with her mum gone. And when Bea announced she was moving to the States for college? Well. Olivia more than supported her dad’s decision to follow her. Dumb luck might be able to tear her family apart, but a transatlantic move certainly could not.

Adapting to life in America was mostly easy for Olive. It was just herself and her dad now, and her life remained the same. She just had to take care of one less person now, with Bea away at college (which didn’t mean she didn’t send regular care packages to her sister, of course). Her own move to college was a little harder, mostly because she felt like she had to stay home and help her dad, but he made it clear her choices were college or moving out on her own. Having always been a brilliant student, Olivia didn’t have much trouble getting accepted at the college of her choice, and at eighteen, she finally moved into her dorm and found herself on her own for the first time in her life.

That didn’t last long.

Olive met Ben Parker her first week on campus, when she was walking home after an evening spent discussing the evils of capitalism and how to bring it down with one of the many student associations she’d joined in those seven days. Ben always said he knew she was the love of his life the second she looked at his brand new Hummer (his pride and joy, he said, and his secret weapon to get more girls than he knew what to do with) and asked him if he’d rather have a flier on capitalism or global warming. He chose both. And he biked to class the next day.

Olive could never pinpoint the moment she knew Ben was the love of her life, but she did. Soon. So soon, in fact, that they got engaged that first Christmas break. Everyone around them was more than a little horrified by the news: Olive’s dad thought she was far too young, Bea that she was positively insane for even considering marriage in the first place, and Ben’s parents that the heir to a Texan oil empire could do better than a vegetarian commie with an accent (their words, but she decided she wanted them on her headstone). The wedding was going to be in the Summer after her freshman year and his graduation, but they eloped during spring break, and they both hyphenated their last names. Which was the reason Ben found himself no longer the heir to a Texan oil empire. Not that Ben Smith-Parker and his acceptance letter to a Masters in Sustainable Architecture program cared too much about that.

Olivia’s second encounter with the cruelest version of dumb luck came that summer, a couple of weeks before the party they were going to throw in lieu of an actual wedding. It was once again an accident - nobody’s fault, no way to prevent it - and this time she lost Ben. Her usual coping mechanism failed her this time, since she had no one to take care of, and Olive spent the better part of a month trying in vain to find a reason to get out of bed each day. Eventually, she found it: if life was going to be a bully, she was going to deal with it like she did in her primary school years. She was going to stand up to it and fight.

Olivia decided right then and there to spend her life trying to make the world a better place. She went back to school that fall and joined even more associations, marched for even more worthy causes, handed out even more fliers and put in even more hours at her volunteer jobs. And it was one of those volunteer jobs that made her want to become a vet.

It’s been several years now, and Olive works at NYC’s ASPCA hospital. Her heart’s healed, she thinks - Ben will always be the love of her life, but that doesn’t mean she can’t ever love again. Maybe the Universe will make up for its past unfairness by letting her have two loves of her life. She’s open to it, at least, which is a big step. And until she finds that person? Well, she has her job, her many causes, and her sister to focus on.

Pets: Many or none, depending on how you define it. She’s a prolific foster pet parent, and there are never fewer than four dogs and/or cats in her and Bea’s apartment at any given time. She hasn’t adopted any of them (so far), though, so they aren’t technically hers.

Relationships:

Bea Smith: Olive’s older sister and the person she loves the most in the entire world. Although Olive’s always acted as the older sibling, and to this day she tends to be the one taking on the more adult role in their relationship, she admires her sister like only a younger sibling ever could. If you ask her, there’s nothing Bea can’t do, and the only reason she isn’t a star is that the world hasn’t discovered yet.

Rachel Berry: Rachel often volunteers with the animals at the shelter - she walks them and loves on them, and that automatically makes her one of Olive’s favorite people. She also has to admit, for someone who’s always been hopelessly low on the social hierarchy, having a drummer friend adds a coolness factor she’s not immune to.

Evie Miller: Olive and Evie met at ACup, but the second Evie found out about Olive’s work, visiting the shelter with Kay to make the less fortunate pups happy for a while became a near-weekly ritual. Olive considers Evie one of her best friends, and she may or may not feel something resembling a crush type situation for her, but she’s aware it’s very much one-sided, and has no intention to jeopardize their friendship for it.

Sam Evans: Sam loves cats, and Olive loves people who love cats. Especially ones who walk the walk and don’t just talk the talk - and Sam did just that when she convinced Quinn to adopt one of Olive’s littlest patients. Gertie’s well kitten visits are some of Olive’s favorite times at work.

EXTRA INFO

Twitter name/twitter URL/description: Olive S-P @oliveandletlive crocheto ergo sum.

Five latest tweets:

@oliveandletlive not to toot my own horn, but if there were pullitzers for the blurbs under adoptable pets’ names on shelter websites, i’d win #toottoot @oliveandletlive would adding an ‘xs’ tag to my friend’s home-crocheted willy warmer be in poor taste? #petite @oliveandletlive your oreos are great, america, but until you start selling jammie dodgers the uk’s biscuit aisles will always win. @oliveandletlive THERE IS A VERY TINY KITTEN IN MY SCRUBS’ POCKET @oliveandletlive update: her name is hortense and she needs a home that’s not my pocket. pass it on! she’ll be good to go in 3 more weeks.

#accepted #acup: level up

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deromanus · 7 years ago

Note

there's not enough vampire chronicles fandom on this fckn website can i hear some of ur fav headcanons pls

I feel like I’ve been waiting my entire, sad tumblr career for this ask. there is such a lack of good fic (or at least any that is easy to find because Anne has to be Like That), the good rp blogs I used to know are all inactive…smh. once upon a time I had a set of graphics for different characters that I was working on. no idea what happened to those.

but here are a few good headcanons of mine/other people’s that i love:

(sort of canon sort of not but) Lestat is disgusted with any form of untidiness in the act of feeding and thinks modern vampires have lost all sense of class and refinery and he wants to start a vampire finishing school. nobody else cares.

armand is a renaissance twink and i like to think he looks like raphael, specifically this painting. all my apologies to antonio banderas but they got that one WAY wrong. wtf neil jordan.

armand is the dumbest bitch. this isn’t really a headcanon this is just facts. but seriously. every decision he has ever made. dumb bitch territory. get it together.

marius de romanus has a special place in my heart, if you couldn’t tell. i like to think he looks like val vilske. I like him a lot (Blood and Gold is my favorite) because he has this wise elder vampire wandering the earth in his long flowing robes things, but behind it all he knows absolutely NOTHING. his head is full of white noise, depressed thoughts, and pretty things. he’s just some random roman patrician’s son, got dragged into the whole vampire thing SUPER unwillingly, and man it’s not his fault he’s so old he was asleep for a lot of the time anyway, he doesn’t know anything about anything he’s just going where the wind blows him. he stumbles into all these wacky situations and just, y’know, goes along with it. I identify with him. Ancient Roman vampire, fashion icon, digs art, fails at love and relationships, mildly wary of groves, celts, and/or druids.

gabrielle should be more than just lestat’s mom. she should be everyone’s mom. she’s here and she’s ready to be the perfect vampire mom you never knew you needed. akasha who?

i’m a huge sucker for happy/comfy vampire domestic life headcanons. somewhere there is some great fanart of Lestat and pals just hanging around, watching tv, etc. I wish I could remember the artist’s name or where I saw that.

and this is more of an opinion but: they should be able to fuck. I know canonically they can’t but I disagree with this on principle. Because it doesn’t make all that much sense. Like I sort of get it. But also I refuse to. Vampires in other media can, why can’t yours, Anne? why can’t you just give the people what we want?? she writes so much sex in her other books, she’s written so many porn novels, and yet she chose to make her vampires celibate. this is just a general complaint.

I can’t think of any more right now but if you have your own please share! or any good fic or fanart or anything. I’m always a slut for vampire chronicles stuff.

#ask #anonymous #not made by human hands #e.rose.txt

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itbeatsbookmarks · 5 years ago

Link

(Via: Hacker News)

Act 1: Sunday afternoon

So you know when you’re flopping about at home, minding your own business, drinking from your water bottle in a way that does not possess any intent to subvert the Commonwealth of Australia?

It’s a feeling I know all too well, and in which I was vigorously partaking when I got this message in “the group chat”.

A nice message from my friend, with a photo of a boarding pass 🙂 A good thing about messages from your friends is that they do not have any rippling consequences 🙂🙂🙂

The man in question is Tony Abbott, one of Australia’s many former Prime Ministers.

That’s him, officer

For security reasons, we try to change our Prime Minister every six months, and to never use the same Prime Minister on multiple websites.

The boarding pass photo

This particular former PM had just posted a picture of his boarding pass on Instagram (Instagram, in case you don’t know it, is an app you can open up on your phone any time to look at ads).

The since-deleted Instagram post showing the boarding pass and baggage receipt. The caption reads “coming back home from japan 😍😍 looking forward to seeing everyone! climate change isn’t real 😌 ok byeee”

“Can you hack this man?”

My friend (who we will refer to by their group chat name, 𝖍𝖔𝖌𝖌𝖊 𝖒𝖔𝖆𝖉𝖊) is asking whether I can “hack this man” not because I am the kind of person who regularly commits 𝒄𝒚𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏 on a whim, but because we’d recently been talking about boarding passes.

I’d said that people post pictures of their boarding passes all the time, not knowing that it can sometimes be used to get their passport number and stuff. They just post it being like “omg going on holidayyyy 😍😍😍”, unaware that they’re posting cringe.

People post their boarding passes all the time, because it’s not clear that they’re meant to be secret

Meanwhile, some hacker is rubbing their hands together, being all “yumyum identity fraud 👀” in their dark web Discord, because this happens a lot.

So there I was, making intense and meaningful eye contact with this chat bubble, asking me if I could “hack this man”.

Surely you wouldn’t

Of course, my friend wasn’t actually asking me to hack the former Prime Minister.

However.

You gotta.

I mean… what are you gonna do, not click it? Are you gonna let a link that’s like 50% advertising tracking ID tell you what to do? Wouldn’t you be curious?

The former Prime Minister had just posted his boarding pass. Was that bad? Was someone in danger? I didn’t know.

What I did know was: the least I could do for my country would be to have a casual browse 👀

Investigating the boarding pass photo

Step 1: Hubris

So I had a bit of a casual browse, and got the picture of the boarding pass, and then…. I didn’t know what was supposed to happen after that.

Well, I’d heard that it’s bad to post your boarding pass online, because if you do, a bored 17 year-old Russian boy called “Katie-senpai” might somehow use it to commit identity fraud. But I don’t know anyone like that, so I just clumsily googled some stuff.

Googling how 2 hakc boarding pass

Eventually I found a blog post explaining that yes, pictures of boarding passes can indeed be used for Crimes. The part you wanna be looking at for all your criming needs is the barcode, because it’s got the “Booking Reference” (e.g. H8JA2A) in it.

Why do you want the booking reference? It’s one of the two things you need to log in to the airline website to manage your flight.

The second one is your… last name. I was really hoping the second one would be like a password or something. But, no, it’s the booking reference the airline emails you and prints on your boarding pass. And it also lets you log in to the airline website?

That sounds suspiciously like a password to me, but like I’m still fine to pretend it’s not if you are.

Step 2: Scan the barcode

I’ve been practicing every morning at sunrise, but still can’t scan barcodes with my eyes. I had to settle for a barcode scanner app on my phone, but when I tried to scan the picture in the Instagram post, it didn’t work :((

Maybe I shouldn’t have blurred out the barcode first

Step 2: Scan the barcode, but more

Well, maybe it wasn’t scanning because the picture was too blurry.

I spent around 15 minutes in an “enhance, ENHANCE” montage, fiddling around with the image, increasing the contrast, and so on. Despite the montage taking up way too much of the 22 minute episode, I couldn’t even get the barcode to scan.

Step 2: Notice that the Booking Reference is printed right there on the paper

After staring at this image for 15 minutes, I noticed the Booking Reference is just… printed on the baggage receipt.

I graduated university.

But it did not prepare me for this.

askdjhaflajkshdflkh

Step 3: Visit the airline’s website

After recovering from that emotional rollercoaster, I went to qantas.com.au, and clicked “Manage Booking”. In case you don’t know it because you live in a country with fast internet, Qantas is the main airline here in Australia.

(I also very conveniently started recording my screen, which is gonna pay off big time in just a moment.)

Step 4: Type in the Booking Reference

Well, the login form was just… there, and it was asking for a Booking Reference and a last name. I had just flawlessly read the Booking Reference from the boarding pass picture, and, well… I knew the last name.

I did hesitate for a split-second, but… no, I had to know.

Step 5: Crimes(?)

youngman.mp4

The “Manage Booking” page, logged in as some guy called Anthony Abbott

Can I get a YIKES in the chat

Leave a comment if you really felt that.

I guess I was now logged the heck in as Tony Abbott? And for all I know, everyone else who saw his Instagram post was right there with me. It’s kinda wholesome, to imagine us all there together. But also probably suboptimal in a governmental sense.

Was there anything secret in here?

I then just incredibly browsed the page, browsed it so hard.

I saw Tony Abbott’s name, flight times, and Frequent Flyer number, but not really anything super secret-looking. Not gonna be committing any cyber treason with a Frequent Flyer number. The flight was in the past, so I couldn’t change anything, either.

The page said the flight had been booked by a travel agent, so I guessed some information would be missing because of that.

I clicked around and scrolled a considerable length, but still didn’t find any government secrets.

Some people might give up here. But I, the Icarus of computers, was simply too dumb to know when to stop.

We’re not done just because a web page says we’re done

I wanted to see if there were juicy things hidden inside the page. To do it, I had to use the only hacker tool I know.

Right click > Inspect Element, all you need to subvert the Commonwealth of Australia

Listen. This is the only part of the story that might be confused for highly elite computer skill. It’s not, though. Maybe later someone will show you this same thing to try and flex, acting like only they know how to do it. You will not go gently into that good night. You will refuse to acknowledge their flex, killing them instantly.

How does “Inspect Element” work?

“Inspect Element”, as it’s called, is a feature of Google Chrome that lets you see the computer’s internal representation (HTML) of the page you’re looking at. Kinda like opening up a clock and looking at the cool cog party inside.

Yeahhh go little cogs, look at ‘em absolutely going off. Now imagine this but with like, JavaScript

Everything you see when you use “Inspect Element” was already downloaded to your computer, you just hadn’t asked Chrome to show it to you yet. Just like how the cogs were already in the watch, you just hadn’t opened it up to look.

But let us dispense with frivolous cog talk. Cheap tricks such as “Inspect Element” are used by programmers to try and understand how the website works. This is ultimately futile: Nobody can understand how websites work. Unfortunately, it kinda looks like hacking the first time you see it.

If you’d like to know more about it, I’ve prepared a short video.

Browsing the “Manage Booking” page’s HTML

I scrolled around the page’s HTML, not really knowing what it meant, furiously trying to find anything that looked out of place or secret.

I eventually realised that manually reading HTML with my eyes was not an efficient way of defending my country, and Ctrl + F’d the HTML for “passport”.

oh no

Oh yes

It’s just there.

At this point I was fairly sure I was looking at the extremely secret government-issued ID of the 28th Prime Minister of the Commonwealth of Australia, servant to her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and I was kinda worried that I was somehow doing something wrong, but like, not enough to stop.

….anything else in this page?

Well damn, if Tony Abbott’s passport number is in this treasure trove of computer spaghetti, maybe there’s wayyyyy more. Perhaps this HTML contains the lost launch codes to the Sydney Opera House, or Harold Holt.

Maybe there’s a phone number?

Searching for phone and number didn’t get anywhere, so I searched for 614, the first 3 digits of an Australian phone number, using my colossal and highly celestial galaxy brain.

Weird uppercase letters

A weird pile of what I could only describe as extremely uppercase letters came up. It looked like this:

RQST QF HK1 HNDSYD/03EN|FQTV QF HK1|CTCM QF HK1 614[phone number]|CKIN QF HN1 DO NOT SEAT ROW [row number] PLS SEAT LAST ROW OF [row letter] WINDOW

So, there’s a lot going on here. There is indeed a phone number in here. But what the heck is all this other stuff?

I realised this was like… Qantas staff talking to eachother about Tony Abbott, but not to him?

In what is surely the subtweeting of the century, it has a section saying HITOMI CALLED RQSTING FASTTRACK FOR MR. ABBOTT. Hitomi must be requesting a “fasttrack” (I thought that was only a thing in movies???) from another Qantas employee.

This is messed up for many reasons

What is even going on here? Why do Qantas flight staff talk to eachother via this passenger information field? Why do they send these messages, and your passport number to you when you log in to their website? I’ll never know because I suddenly got distracted with

Forbidden airline code

I realised the allcaps museli I saw must be some airline code for something. Furious and intense googling led me to several ancient forbidden PDFs that explained some of the codes.

Apparently, they’re called “SSR codes” (Special Service Request). There are codes for things like “Vegetarian lacto-ovo meal” (VLML), “Vegetarian oriental meal” (VOML), and even “Vegetarian vegan meal” (VGML). Because I was curious about these codes, here’s some for you to be curious about too (tag urself, I’m UMNR):

RFTV Reason for Travel UMNR Unaccompanied minor PDCO Carbon Offset (chargeable) WEAP Weapon DEPA Deportee—accompanied by an escort ESAN Passenger with Emotional Support Animal in Cabin

The phone number I found looked like this: CTCM QF HK1 [phone number]. Googling “SSR CTCM” led me to the developer guide for some kind of airline association, which I assume I am basically a member of now.

CTCM QF HK1 translates as “Contact phone number of passenger 1”

Is the phone number actually his?

I thought maybe the phone number belonged to the travel agency, but I checked and it has to be the passenger’s real phone number. That would be, if my calculations are correct,,,, *steeples fingers* Tony Abbott’s phone number.

what have i done

I’d now found Tony Abbott’s:

Passport details

Phone number

Weird Qantas staff comments.

My friend who messaged me had no idea.

Tony Abbott’s passport is probably a Diplomatic passport, which is used to “represent the Australian Government overseas in an official capacity”.

what have i done

By this point I’d had enough defending my country, and had recently noticed some new thoughts in my brain, which were:

oh jeez oh boy oh jeez

i gotta get someone, somehow, to reset tony abbott’s passport number

can you even reset passport numbers

is it possible that i’ve done a crime

Intermission

Act 2: Do not get arrested challenge 2020

In this act, I, your well-meaning but ultimately incompetent protagonist, attempt to do the following things:

⬜ figure out whether i have done a crime

⬜ notify someone (tony abbott?) that this happened

⬜ get permission to publish this here blog post

⬜ tell qantas about the security issue so they can fix it

Spoilers: This takes almost six months.

Let’s skip the boring bits

I contacted a lot of people about this. If my calculations are correct, I called at least 30 phone numbers, to say nothing of The Emails. If you laid all the people I contacted end to end along the equator, they would die, and you would be arrested. Eventually I started keeping track of who I talked to in a note I now refer to as “the hashtag struggle”.

I’m gonna skip a considerable volume of tedious and ultimately unsatisfying telephony, because it’s been a long day of scrolling already, and you need to save your strength.

Alright strap yourself in and enjoy as I am drop-kicked through the goal posts of life.

Part 1: is it possible that i’ve done a crime

I didn’t think anything I did sounded like a crime, but I knew that sometimes when the other person is rich or famous, things can suddenly become crimes. Like, was there going to be some Monarch Law or something? Was Queen Elizabeth II gonna be mad about this?

My usual defence against being arrested for hacking is making sure the person being hacked is okay with it. You heard me, it’s the power of ✨consent✨. But this time I could uh only get it in retrospect, which is a bit yikes.

So I was wondering like… was logging in with someone else’s booking reference a crime? Was having someone else’s passport number a crime? What if they were, say, the former Prime Minister? Would I get in trouble for publishing a blog post about it? I mean you’re reading the blog post right now so obviousl

Update: I have been arrested.

Just straight up Reading The Law

It turned out I could just google these things, and before I knew it I was reading “the legislation”. It’s the rules of the law, just written down.

Look, reading pages of HTML? No worries. Especially if it’s to defend my country. But whoever wrote the legislation was just making up words.

Eventually, I was able to divine the following wisdoms from the Times New Roman tea leaves:

Defamation is where you get in trouble for publishing something that makes someone look bad.

But, it’s fine for me to blog about it, since it’s not defamation if you can prove it’s true

Having Tony Abbott’s passport number isn’t a crime

But using it to commit identity fraud would be

There are laws about what it’s okay to do on a computer

The things it’s okay to do are: If u EVER even LOOK at a computer the wrong way, the FBI will instantly slam dunk you in a legal fashion dependent on the legislation in your area

I am possibly the furthest thing you can be from a lawyer. So, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you not to take this as legal advice. But, if you are the kind of person who takes legal advice from mango blog posts, who am I to stand in your way? Not a lawyer, that’s who. Don’t do it.

You know what, maybe I needed help. From an adult. Someone whose 3-year old kid has been buying iPad apps for months because their parents can’t figure out how to turn it off.

“Yeah, maybe I should get some of that free government legal advice”, I thought to myself, legally. That seemed like a pretty common thing, so I thought it should be easy to do. I took a big sip of water and googled “free legal advice”.

trying to ask a lawyer if i gone and done a crime

Before I went and told everyone about my HTML frolicking, I spent a week calling legal aid numbers, lawyers, and otherwise trying to figure out if I’d done a crime.

During this time, I didn’t tell anyone what I’d done. I asked if any laws would be broken if “someone” had “logged into a website with someone’s publicly-posted password and found the personal information of a former politician”. Do you see how that’s not even a lie? I’m starting to see how lawyers do it.

Calling Legal Aid places

First I call the state government’s Legal Aid number. They tell me they don’t do that here, and I should call another Legal Aid place named something slightly different.

The second place tells me they don’t do that either, and I should call the First Place and “hopefully you get someone more senior”.

I call the First Place again, and they say “oh you’ve been given the run around!”. You see where this is going.

Let’s skip a lot of phone calls. Take my hand as I whisk you towards the slightly-more-recent past. Based on advice I got from two independent lawyers that was definitely not legal advice: I haven’t done a crime.

Helllllll yeah. But I mean it’s a little late because I forgot to mention that by this point I had already emailed explicit details of my activities to the Australian Government.

☑️ figure out whether i have done a crime

⬜ notify someone (tony abbott?) that this happened

⬜ get permission to publish this here blog post

⬜ tell qantas about the security issue so they can fix it

Part 2: trying to report the problem to someone, anyone, please

I had Tony Abbott’s passport number, phone number, and weird Qantas messages about him. I was the only one who knew I had these.

Anyone who saw that Instagram post could also have them. I felt like I had to like, tell someone about this. Someone with like, responsibilities. Someone with an email signature.

wait but do u see the irony in this, u have his phone number right there so u could just-

Yes I see it thank u for pointing this out, wise, astute, and ultimately self-imposed heading. I knew I could just call the number any time and hear a “G’day” I’d never be able to forget. I knew I had a rare opportunity to call someone and have them ask “how did you get this number!?”.

But you can’t just do that.

You can’t just call someone’s phone number that you got by rummaging around in the HTML ball pit. Tony Abbott didn’t want me to have his phone number, because he didn’t give it to me. Maybe if it was urgent, or I had no other option, sure. But I was pretty sure I should do this the Nice way, and show that I come in peace.

I wanted to show that I come in peace because there’s also this pretty yikes thing that happens where you email someone being all like “henlo ur website let me log in with username admin and password admin, maybe u wanna change that??? could just be me but let me kno what u think xoxo alex” and then they reply being like “oh so you’re a HACKER and a CRIMINAL and you’ve HACKED ME AND MY FAMILY TOO and this is a RANSOM and ur from the DARK WEB i know what that is i’ve seen several episodes of mr robot WELL watch out kiddO bc me and my lawyers are bulk-installing tens of thousands of copies of McAfee® Gamer Security as we speak, so i’d like 2 see u try”

I googled “tony abbott contact”, but there’s only his official website. There’s no phone number on it, only a “contact me” form.

I imagine there have been some passionate opinions typed into this form at 9pm on a Tuesday

Yeah right, have you seen the incredible volume of #content people want to say at politicians? No way anyone’s reading that form.

I later decided to try anyway, using the same Inspect Element ritual from earlier. Looking at the network requests the page makes, I divined that the “Contact me” form just straight up does not work. When you click “submit”, you get an error, and nothing gets sent.

This is an excellent way of using computers to solve the problem of “random people keep sending me angry letters”

Well rip I guess. I eventually realised the people to talk to were probably the government.

The government

It’s a big place.

In the beginning, humans developed the concept of language by banging rocks together and saying “oof, oog, and so on”. Then something went horribly wrong, and now people unironically begin every sentence with “in regards to”. Our story begins here.

The government has like fifty thousand million different departments, and they all know which acronyms to call each other, but you don’t. If you EVER call it DMP&C instead of DPM&C you are gonna be express email forwarded into a nightmare realm the likes of which cannot be expressed in any number of spreadsheet cells, in spite of all the good people they’ve lost trying.

I didn’t even know where to begin with this. Desperately, I called Tony Abbott’s former political party, who were all like

Skip skip skip a few more calls like this.

Maybe I knew someone who knew someone

That’s right, the true government channels were the friends we made along the way.

I asked hacker friends who seemed like they might know government security people. “Where do I report a security issue with like…. a person, not a website?”

They told me to call… 1300 CYBER1?

1300 CYBER1

I don’t really have a good explanation for this so I’m just gonna post the screenshots.

My friend showing me where to report a security issue with the government. I’m gonna need you to not ask any questions about the profile pictures.

Uhhh no wait I don’t wanna click any of these

The planet may be dying, but we live in a truly unparalleled age of content.

You know I smashed that call button on 1300 CYBER1. Did they just make it 1300 CYBER then realise you need one more digit for a phone number? Incredible.

Calling 1300 c y b e r o n e

“Yes yes hello, ring ring, is this 1300 cyber one”? They have to say yes if you ask that. They’re legally obligated.

The person who picked up gave me an email address for ASD (the Australian flavour of America’s NSA), and told me to email them the details.

Emailing the government my crimes

Feeling like the digital equivalent of three kids in a trenchcoat, I broke out my best Government Email dialect and emailed ASD, asking for them to call me if they were the right place to tell about this.

Sorry for the clickbait subject but well that’s what happened???

Fooled by my flawless disguise, they replied instantly (in a relative sense) asking for more details.

“Potential” exposure, yeah okay. At least the subject line had “[SEC=Sensitive]” in it so I _knew_ I’d made it big

I absolutely could provide them with more information, so I did, because I love to cooperate with the Australian government.

I also asked whether they could give me permission to publish this blog post, and they were all like “Seen 2:35pm”. Eventually, after another big day of getting left on read by the government, they replied, being all like “thanks kiddO, we’re doing like, an investigation and stuff, so we’ll take it from here”.

Overall, ASD were really nice to me about it and happy that I’d helped. They encouraged me to report this kind of thing to them if it happened again, but I’m not really in the business of uhhhhhhhh whatever the heck this is.

By the way, at this point in the story (chronologically) I had no idea if what I was emailing the government was actually the confession to a crime, since I hadn’t talked to a lawyer yet. This is widely regarded as a bad move. I do not recommend anyone else use “but I’m being so helpful and earnest!!!” as a legal defence. But also I’m not a lawyer, so idk, maybe it works?

Wholesomely emailing the government

At one point in what was surely an unforgettable email chain, the person I was emailing added a P.S. containing…. the answer to the puzzle hidden on this website. The one you’re reading this blog on right now. Hello. I guess they must have found this website (hi asd) by stalking the email address I was sending from. This is unprecedented and everything, but:

The puzzle says to tweet the answer at me, not email me

The prize for doing the puzzle is me tweeting this gif of a shakas to you

yeahhhhhhhhhh, nice

So I guess I emailed the shakas gif to the government??? Yeah, I guess I did.

Please find attached

Can I write about this?

I asked them if they could give me permission to write this blog post, or who to ask, and they were like “uhhhhhhhhhhh” and gave me two government media email addresses to try. Listen I don’t wanna be an “ummm they didn’t reply to my emAiLs” kinda person buT they simply left me no choice.

Still, defending the Commonwealth was in ASD’s hands now, and that’s a win for me at this point.

☑️ figure out whether i have done a crime

☑️ notify someone (The Government) that this happened

⬜ get permission to publish this here blog post

⬜ tell qantas about the security issue so they can fix it

Part 3: Telling Qantas the bad news

The security issue

Hey remember like fifteen minutes ago when this post was about webpages?

I’m guessing Qantas didn’t want to send the customer their passport number, phone number, and staff comments about them, so I wanted to let them know their website was doing that. Maybe the website was well meaning, but ultimately caused more harm than good, like how that time the bike path railings on the Golden Gate Bridge accidentally turned it into the world’s largest harmonica.

Unblending the smoothie

But why does the website even send you all that stuff in the first place? I don’t know, but to speculate wildly: Maybe the website just sends you all the data it knows about you, and then only shows you your name, flight times, etc, while leaving the passport number etc. still in the page.

If that were true, then Qantas would want to unblend the digital smoothie they’ve sent you, if you will. They’d want to change it so that they only send you your name and flight times and stuff (which are a key ingredient of the smoothie to be sure), not the whole identity fraud smoothie.

Smoothie evangelism

I wanted to tell them the smoothie thing, but how do I contact them?

The first place to check is usually company.com/security, maybe that’ll w-

Okay nevermind

Okay fine maybe I should just email [email protected] surely that’s it? I could only find a phone number to report security problems to, and I wasn’t sure if it was like…. airport security?

So I just… called the number and was like “heyyyy uhhhh I’d like to report a cyber security issue?”, and the person was like “yyyyya just email [email protected]” and i was like “ok sorrY”.

Time to email Qantas I guess

I emailed Qantas, being like “beep boop here is how the computer problem works”.

(Have you been wondering about the little dots in this post? Click this one for the rest of the email .)

A few days later, I got this reply.

And then I never heard from this person again

Airlines were going through kinda a struggle at the time, so I guess that’s what happened?

if ur still out there Shr Security i miss u

Struggles

After filling up my “get left on read” combo meter, I desperately resorted to calling Qantas’ secret media hotline number.

They said the issue was being fixed by Amadeus, the company who makes their booking software, rather than with Qantas itself. I’m not sure if that means other Amadeus customers were also affected, or if it was just the way Qantas was using their software, or what.

It’s common to give companies 90 days to fix the bug, before you publicly disclose it. It’s a tradeoff between giving them enough time to fix it, and people being hacked because of the bug as long as it’s out there.

But, well, this was kinda a special case. Qantas was going through some #struggles, so it was taking longer. Lots of their staff were stood down, and the world was just generally more cooked. At the same time, hardly anybody was flying at the time, due to see above re: #struggles. So, I gave Qantas as much time as they needed.

Five months later

The world is a completely different place, and Qantas replies to me, saying they fixed the bug. It did take five months, which is why it took so long for you and I to be having this weird textual interaction right now.

I don’t have a valid Booking Reference, so I can’t actually check what’s changed. I asked a friend to check (with an expired Booking Reference), and they said they didn’t see a mention of “documentNumber” anymore, which sounds like the passport number is no longer there. But That’s Not Science, so I don’t know for sure.

I originally found the bug in March, which was about 60 years ago. BUT we got there baybee, Qantas emailed me saying the bug had been fixed on August 21. They later told me they actually fixed the bug in July, but the person I was talking too didn’t know about it until August.

Qantas also said this when I asked them to review this post:

Thanks again for letting us have the opportunity to review and again for refraining from posting until the fix was in place for vulnerability.

Our standard advice to customers is not to post pictures of the boarding pass, or to at least obscure the key personal information if they do, because of the detail it contains.

We appreciate you bringing it to our attention in such a responsible way, so we could fix the issue, which we did a few months ago now.

I couldn’t find any advice on their website about not posting pictures of customer boarding passes, only news articles about how Qantas stopped printing the Frequent Flyer number on the boarding pass last year, because… well, you can see why.

I also asked Qantas what they did to fix the bug, and they said:

Unfortunately we’re not able to provide the details of fix as it is part of the protection of personal information.

:((

☑️ figure out whether i have done a crime

☑️ notify someone (The Government) that this happened

⬜ get permission to publish this here blog post

☑️ tell qantas about the security issue so they can fix it

Part 4: Finding Tony Abbott

Like 2003’s Finding Nemo, this section was an emotional rollercoaster.

The government was presumably helping Tony Abbott reset his passport number, and making sure his current one wasn’t being used for any of that yucky identity fraud.

But, much like Shannon Noll’s 2004 What About Me?, what about me? I really wanted to write a blog post about it, you know? So I could warn people about the non-obvious risk of sharing their boarding passes, and also make dumb and inaccessible references to the early 2000s.

The government people I talked to couldn’t give me permission to write this post, so rather than willingly wandering deeper into the procedurally generated labyrinth of government department email addresses (it’s dark in there), I tried to find Tony Abbott or his staff directly.

Calling everybody in Australia one by one

I called Tony Abbott’s former political party again, and asked them how to contact him, or his office, or something I’m really having a moment rn. They said they weren’t associated with him anymore, and suggested I call Parliament House, like I was the Queen or something.

In case you don’t know it, Parliament House is sorta like the White House, I think? The Prime Minister lives there and has a nice little garden out the back with a macadamia tree that never runs out, and everyone works in different colourful sections like “Making it so Everyone Gets a Fair Shake of the Sauce Bottle R&D” and “Mateship” and they all wear matching uniforms with lil kangaroo and emu hats, and they all do a little dance every hour on the hour to celebrate another accident-free day in the Prime Minister’s chocolate factory.

calling parliament house i guess

Not really sure what to expect, I called up and was all like “yeah bloody g’day, day for it ay, hot enough for ya?”. Once the formalities were out of the way, I skipped my usual explanation of why I was calling and just asked point-blank if they had Tony Abbott’s contact details.

The person on the phone was casually like “Oh, no, but I can put you through to the Serjeant-at-arms, who can give you the contact details of former members”. I was like “…..okay?????”. Was I supposed to know who that was? Isn’t a Serjeant like an army thing?

But no, the Serjeant-at-arms was just a nice lady who told me “he’s in a temporary office right now, and so doesn’t have a phone number. I can give you an email address or a P.O. box?”. I was like “ok th-thank you your majesty”.

It felt a bit weird just…. emailing the former PM being like “boy do i have bad news for you”, but I figured he probably wouldn’t read it anyway. If it was that easy to get this email address, everyone had it, and so nobody was likely to be reading the inbox.

Spoilers: It didn’t work.

Finding Tony Abbott’s staff

I roll out of bed and stare bleary-eyed into the morning sun, my ultimate nemesis, as Day 40 of not having found Tony Abbott’s staff begins.

This time for sure.

Retinas burning, in a moment of determination/desperation/hubris, I went and asked even more people that might know how to contact Tony Abbott’s staff.

I asked a journalist friend, who had the kind of ruthlessly efficient ideas that come from, like, being a professional journalist. They suggested I find Tony Abbott’s former staff from when he was PM, and contact their offices and see if they have his contact details.

It was a strange sounding plan to me, which I thought meant it would definitely work.

Wikipedia stalking

Apparently Prime Ministers themselves have “ministers” (not prime), and those are their staff. That’s who I was looking for.

Big “me and the boys” energy

Okay but, the problem was that most of these people are retired now, and the glory days of 2013 are over. Each time I hover over one of their names, I see “so-and-so is a former politician and….” and discard their Wikipedia page like a LeSnak wrapper into the wind.

Eventually though, I saw this minister.

Oh he definitely has an office.

That’s the current Prime Minister of Australia (at the time of writing, that is, for all I know we’re three Prime-Ministers deep into 2020 by the time you read this), you know he’s definitely gonna be easier to find.

Let’s call the Prime Minister’s office I guess?

Easy google of the number, absolutely no emotional journey resulting in my growth as a person this time.

When I call, I hear what sounds like two women laughing in the background? One of them answers the phone, slightly out of breath, and says “Hello, Prime Minister’s office?”. I’m like “….hello? Am I interrupting something???”.

I clumsily explain that I know this is Scott Morrison’s office, but I actually was wondering if they had Tony Abbott’s contact details, because it’s for “a time-sensitive media enquiry”, and I j- She interrupts to explain “so Tony Abbott isn’t Prime Minister anymore, this is Scott Morrison’s office” and I’m like “yA I know please I am desperate for these contact details”.

She says “We wouldn’t have that information but I’ll just check for you” and then pauses for like, a long time? Like 15 seconds? I can only wonder what was happening on the other end. Then she says “Oh actually I can give you Tony Abbott’s personal assistant’s number? Is that good?”.

Ummmm YES thanks that’s what I’ve been looking for this whole time? Anyway brb i gotta go be uh a journalist or something.

Calling Tony Abbott’s personal assistant’s personal assistant

I fumble with my phone, furiously trying to dial the number.

I ask if I’m speaking to Tony Abbott’s personal assistant. The person on the other end says no, but he is one of Tony Abbott’s staff. It has been a long several months of calling people. The cold ice is starting to thaw. One day, with enough therapy, I may be able to gather the emotional resources necessary to call another government phone number.

I explain the security issue I want to report, and midway through he interrupts with “sorry…. who are you and what’s the organisation you’re calling from?” and I’m like “uhhhh I mean my name is Alex and uhh I’m not calling from any organisation I’m just like a person?? I just found this thing and…”.

The person is mercifully forgiving, and says that he’ll have to call me back. I stress once again that I’m calling to help them, happy to wait to publish until they feel comfortable, and definitely do not warrant the bulk-installation of antivirus products.

Calling Tony Abbott’s personal assistant

An hour later, I get a call from a number I don’t recognise.

He explains that the guy I talked to earlier was his assistant, and he’s Tony Abbott’s PA. Folks, we made it. It’s as easy as that.

He says he knows what I’m talking about. He’s got the emails. He’s already in the process of getting Tony Abbott a new passport number. This is the stuff. It’s all coming together.

I ask if I can publish a blog post about it, and we agree I’ll send a draft for him to review.

And then he says

“These things do interest him - he’s quite keen to talk to you”

I was like exCUSE me? Tony Abbott, Leader of the 69th Ministry of Australia, wants to call me on the phone? I suppose I owe this service to my country?

This story was already completely cooked so sure, whatever. I’d already declared emotional bankruptcy, so nothing was coming as a surprise at this point.

I asked what he wanted to talk about. “Just to pick your brain on these things”. We scheduled a call for 3:30 on Monday.

And then Tony Abbott just… calls me on the phone?

Mostly, he wanted to check whether his understanding of how I’d found his passport number was correct (it was). He also wanted to ask me how to learn about “the IT”.

He asked some intelligent questions, like “how much information is in a boarding pass, and what do people like me need to know to be safe?”, and “why can you get a passport number from a boarding pass, but not from a bus ticket?”.

The answer is that boarding passes have your password printed on them, and bus tickets don’t. You can use that password to log in to a website (widely regarded as a bad move), and at that point all bets are off, websites can just do whatever they want.

He was vulnerable, too, about how computers are harder for him to understand.

“It’s a funny old world, today I tried to log in to a [Microsoft] Teams meeting (Teams is one of those apps), and the fire brigade uses a Teams meeting. Anyway I got fairly bamboozled, and I can now log in to a Teams meeting in a way I couldn’t before.

It’s, I suppose, a terrible confession of how people my age feel about this stuff.”

Then the Earth stopped spinning on its axis.

For an instant, time stood still.

Then he said it:

“You could drop me in the bush and I’d feel perfectly confident navigating my way out, looking at the sun and direction of rivers and figuring out where to go, but this! Hah!”

This was possibly the most pure and powerful Australian energy a human can possess, and explains how we elected our strongest as our leader. The raw energy did in fact travel through the phone speaker and directly into my brain, killing me instantly.

When I’d collected myself from various corners of the room, he asked if there was a book about the basics of IT, since he wanted to learn about it. That was kinda humanising, since it made me realise that even famous people are just people too.

Anyway I hadn’t heard of a book that was any good, so I told a story about my mum instead.

A story about my mum instead

I said there probably was a book out there about “the basics of IT”, but it wouldn’t help much. I didn’t learn from a book. 13 year old TikTok influencers don’t learn from a book. They just vibe.

My mum always said when I was growing up that:

There were “too many buttons”

She was afraid to press the buttons, because she didn’t know what they did

I can understand that, since grown ups don’t have the sheer dumb hubris of a child, and that’s what makes them afraid of the buttons.

Like, when a toddler uses a spoon for the first time, they don’t know what a spoon is, where they are, or who the current Prime Minister is. But they see the spoon, and they see the cereal, and their dumb baby brain is just like “yeA” and they have a red hot go. And like, they get it wrong the first few times, but it doesn’t matter, because they don’t know to be afraid of getting it wrong. So eventually, they get it right.

leaked footage of me learning how to hack

Okay so I didn’t tell the spoon thing to Tony Abbott, but I did tell him what I always told my mum, which was: “Mum you just gotta press all the buttons, to find out what they do”.

He was like “Oh, you just learn by trial and error”. Exactly! Now that I think about it, it’s a bit scary. We are dumb babies learning to use a spoon for the first time, except if you do it wrong some clown writes a blog post about you. Anyway good luck out there to all you big babies.

Asking to publish this blog post

When I asked Tony Abbott for permission to publish the post you are reading right now while neglecting your responsibilities, he said “well look Alex, I don’t have a problem with it, you’ve alerted me to something I probably should have known about, so if you wanna do that, go for it”.

At the end of the call, he said “If there’s ever anything you think I need to know, give us a shout”.

Look you gotta hand it to him. That’s exactly the right way to respond when someone tells you about a security problem. Back at the beginning, I was kinda worried that he might misunderstand, and think I was trying to hack him or something, and that I’d be instantly slam dunked into jail. But nope, he was fine with it. And now you, a sweet and honourable blog post browser, get to learn the dangers of posting your boarding pass by the realest of real-world examples.

During the call, I was completely in shock from the lost in the bush thing killing me instantly, and so on. But afterwards, when I looked at the quotes, I realised he just wanted to understand what had happened to him, and more about how technology works. That’s the same kind of curiosity I had, that started this whole surrealist three-act drama. That… wasn’t really what I was expecting from Tony Abbott, but it’s what I found.

The point of this story isn’t to say “wow Tony Abbott got hacked, what a dummy”. The point is that if someone famous can unknowingly post their boarding pass, anyone can.

Anyway that’s why I vote right wing now baybeeeee.

☑️ figure out whether i have done a crime

☑️ notify someone (The Government) that this happened

☑️ get permission to publish this here blog post

☑️ tell qantas about the security issue so they can fix it

Act 3: Closing credits

Wait no what the heck did I just read

Yeah look, reasonable.

tl; dr

Your boarding pass for a flight can sometimes be used to get your passport number. Don’t post your boarding pass or baggage receipt online, keep it as secret as your passport.

How it works

The Booking Reference on the boarding pass can be used to log in to the airline’s “Manage Booking” page, which sometimes contains the passport number, depending on the airline. I saw that Tony Abbott had posted a photo of his boarding pass on Instagram, and used it to get his passport details, phone number, and internal messages between Qantas flight staff about his flight booking.

Why did you do this?

One day, my friend who was also in “the group chat” said “I was thinking…. why didn’t I hack Tony Abbott? And I realised I guess it’s because you have more hubris”.

I was deeply complimented by this, but that’s not the point. The point is that you, too, can have hubris.

You know how they say to commit a crime (which once again I insist did not happen in my case) you need means, motive, and opportunity? Means is the ability to use right click > Inspect Element, motive is hubris, and opportunity is the dumb luck of having my friend message me the Instagram post.

I know, I’ve been saying “hubris” a lot. I mean “the willingness to risk breaking the rules”. Now hold up, don’t go outside and do crimes (unless it’s really funny). I’m not talking about breaking the law, I’m talking about rules we just follow without realising, like social rules and conventions.

Here’s a simple example. You’re at a sufficiently fancy restaurant, like I dunno, with white tablecloths or something? The waiter asks if you’d like “still or sparkling water?”

If you say “still”, it costs Eleven Dollars. If you say “sparkling”, it costs Eleven Dollars and tastes all gross and fizzy. But if you say “tap water, please”, you just get tap water, what you wanted in the first place?

When I first saw someone do this I was like “you can do that? I just thought you had to pay Eleven Dollars extra at fancy restaurants!”.

It’s not written down anywhere that you can ask for tap water. But when I found out you could do that, and like, nothing bad happens, I could suddenly do it too. Miss me with that Eleven Dollars fizzy water.

Basically, until you’ve broken the rules, the idea that the rules can be broken might just not occur to you. That’s how it felt for me, at least.

In conclusion, to be a hacker u ask for tap water.

FAQ

Why is it bad for someone else to have your passport number?

Hey crime gang, welcome back to Identity Fraud tips and tricks with Alex.

A passport is government-issued ID. It’s how you prove you’re you. The fact that you have your passport and I don’t is how you prevent me from convincing the government that I’m you and doing crimes in your name.

Just having the information on the passport is not quite as powerful as a photo of the full physical passport, with your photo and everything.

With your passport number, someone could:

Book an international flight as you.

Apply for anything that requires proof of identity documentation with the government, e.g. Working with children check

Activate a SIM card (and so get an internet connection that’s traceable to you, not them, hiding them from the government)

Create a fake physical passport from a template, with the correct passport number (which they then use to cross a border, open a bank account, or anything)

who knows what else, not me, bc i have never done a crime

Am I a big bozo, a big honking goose, if I post my boarding pass on Instagram?

Nah, it’s an easy mistake to make. How are you supposed to know not to? It’s not obvious that your boarding pass is secret, like a password. I think it’s on the airline to inform you on the risks you’re taking when you use their stuff.

But now that you’ve read this blog post, I regret to inform you that you will in fact be an entire sack of geese if you go and post your boarding pass now.

When did all of this happen?

March 22 - @hontonyabbott posts a picture of a boarding pass and baggage receipt. I log in to the website and get the passport number, phone number, and internal Qantas comments.

March 24 - I contact the Australian Signals Directorate (ASD) and let them know what happened.

March 27 - ASD tells me their investigation is complete, I send them a shakas gif, and they thank me for being a good citizen.

March 29 - I learn from lawyers that I have not done a crime 💯

March 30 - I contact Qantas and tell them about the vulnerability.

May 1 - Tony Abbott calls me, we chat about being dropped in the middle of the bush.

July 17 - Paper Mario: The Origami King is released for Nintendo Switch.

August 21 - Qantas emails me saying the security problem has been fixed.

September 13 - Various friends finish reviewing this post <3

September 15 - Tony Abbott and Qantas review this post.

Today - You read this post instead of letting it read you, nice job you.

I’m bored and tired

Let me answer that question,,, with a question.

Maybe try drinking some water you big goose. Honk honk, I’m so dehydrated lol. That’s you.

honk honk honk honl

Yeah, exactly.

I wrote this because I can’t go back to the Catholic church ever since they excommunicated me in 1633 for insisting the Earth revolves around the sun.

You can talk to me about it by sliding into my DMs in the tweet zone or, if you must, email.

#IFTTT #Feedly

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humanafterall · 7 years ago

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hiya drew, what are a couple bands/songs you'd recommend for someone interested in getting into classic rock? I hope you're having a great day <3

hey anon! this is an extremely loaded question! sdfjdfkgjd (and i’m really flattered you’re askin me, because, omg, it’s an honor)

(under a read more bc i talk too god damn much)

okay. lemme preface this by saying i barely scratch the surface when it comes to classic rock. in fact i just like the “popular” classic rock bands, because i’m a hipster loser (and i grew up on some of this stuff and don’t really have much of an interest venturing further but hey, who knows, maybe i’ll expand my spotify library in due time)

there are people on this website in the CR fandom who are so much better equipped to answer this, but u asked me, and i never really bothered to integrate into the cr fandom anyway because i feel like theyre all cooler than me and i just wanna sit down and listen to like, the same two albums on repeat, but anyway. to answer your question…

it really just depends on what genre you like. what kind of music you want to get into; i can sit here and tell you to listen to pink floyd and go on about their significance but i can’t make you Like them yknow?

so…..i’m just gonna list a few of my favorite songs by the most well-known classic rock bands because, like i said i just kind of barely scratch the surface on the classic rock format as a whole

as some of you may be aware, i am drew “beatlefucker” angelshane (thanks ana) and to get these bug boys out of the way, i’ll give u some song recs from the beatles! (early 1960s to 1970) (genres: rock, pop, psychedelia)

surely you’ve heard of them; if not, they caused a huge uproar across the world called beatlemania. think of like…tumblr, as a planet, and the beatles is the newest, hottest anime of the season, and everybody’s got a huge heart boner for them. because that’s basically what it was.

here are some of their songs that have been in my head for the past few days: drive my car (rubber soul, 1965); eleanor rigby (revolver, 1966); and if i fell (a hard day’s night, 1964)

revolver is the most recent album i’ve listened to, they have more but the next proper Album is sgt. pepper and that feels…like. so much. it’s a Huge Album, both content-wise and…history-wise? anyway, it’s very intimidating for me and i think i want to take my time with it before i rush in

i’m just gonna get led zeppelin (late 1960s to 1980, some reunions sprinkled here and there,) out of the way, now, too. (genres: hard rock, blues rock, folk rock, heavy metal)

let me just say right here: i hate jimmy page. as a person. and i honestly think most of his solos aren’t…that great. but for real, i won’t tolerate any of that ugly shithead on my blog and just because i like LZ doesn’t mean i condone any of the shit he did.

(you’ll notice a trend, especially in the older bands, that controversy is super common. u can’t..really get into classic rock without having to see the darker side of your faves. it sucks, nobody’s perfect, and i don’t agree with separating the artist from the art, but it does get hard to like certain music when you know the shit that happened with certain artists.)

Anyway! that being said, i truthfully only really listen to led zeppelin and led zeppelin ii. some physical graffiti but, eh. So, if you wanted to get into lz, you’re askin the wrong person, is what i’m saying jfkgsdj

here’s my song recs: good times bad times and dazed and confused (led zeppelin, 1968); whole lotta love and ramble on (led zeppelin ii, 1969); kashmir (physical graffiti, 1975)

and honestly the JP thing is why i don’t really listen to LZ much outside of their self titled and lz2. cos like. i just can’t.

QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN (1970s to…now? personally, if freddie mercury isn’t involved then..is it really queen) (genre: rock)

if you don’t know who queen is, you know who queen is. bohemian rhapsody? of course you know that song. everyone does.

but if you don’t then that’s perfectly ok too. it’s a good song imo. not their Best, but it’s good

i gotta be honest, i listen to singles mostly. i’ve got a lot on my proverbial plate and while i Love freddie mercury (bi king) sometimes i’m just. not in the headspace for queen. they’re good but a certain specific set of circumstances need to happen where i feel aligned with queen music enough to listen to it. also, freddie’s death makes me really sad and if i think about it too hard i’ll get depressed.

here’s my favorite queen songs!!!

brighton rock and killer queen (sheer heart attack, 1974); you’re my best friend (a night at the opera, 1975); somebody to love and GOOD OLD FASHIONED LOVER BOY (a day at the races, 1976); TOO MUCH LOVE WILL KILL YOU (made in heaven, 1996)

honestly..queen is so influential and inspiring and i fucking love freddie mercury so like. those are just a few of my favorites. i could honestly go on forever about it but let’s stop there

now let’s get away from the boys and talk about stevie nicks because she is my mother and i would die in her place given the chance. i love her. I Love Her.

but i mean you’d probably better begin at fleetwood mac (late 1960s to the mid 1990s; late 1990s to …now?) (genres: pop rock, soft rock, blues rock, art pop, british blues)

this is a band i don’t know much about. because there’s apparently so much to know about them, so much inter-band dynamic drama. from what i’ve skimmed. So Much Drama.

i…can’t provide any songs for you, because i dont listen to fleetwood mac and i need to fix this ASAP but i feel like the time isn’t right yet. is that dumb of me to think? probably, but i’m gonna stick by my guns.

you should listen to fleetwood mac and tell me what you think!!!

(yes i included a portion on stevie nicks without giving song recs because i’m awful: listen to edge of seventeen, bella donna, 1981)

okay back to smelly dudes cos that’s all the world fuckin cares about i guess

pink floyd!!! (mid 1960s to mid 1990s, mid 2000s, and early/mid 2010s) (genres: progrock, art rock, psychedelic rock)

i mean i love them but i’m just dipping my toes in the water here. i’ve barely listened to them, but from what i’ve heard they’re very good. VERY politically driven. i cannot stress this enough. they’re the good kind of politics i think though

you’ve most definitely seen the album art for the dark side of the moon. like, you just have. there’s probably no way you couldn’t have. (but if u haven’t thats fine)

here’s some tunes: money (tdsotm, 1973); the wall. just. the wall. if you love concept albums, here you go. listen to the wall.

that’s all i got. pathetic, i know, but i’m workin my way up i promise

here’s where we get into more familiar territory. ..having said that, i don’t really know much about the history of the rolling stones, but a good friend of mine Does and maybe i can pry info out of her. but i won’t bc she’s too cool 4 school and she’s really great

anyway, the rolling stones!!! (early 1960s to like. now i guess) (genres: rock, blues, blues rock, rock and roll)

woof. what can be said about them really. there’s…..almost too much to say. i love them a lot.

Okay when i get into bands, its in my DNA to listen from the very earliest recording i can find (usually on spotify nowadays) so i’ve been sslowly working my way past the baby pebbles albums (mostly covers) to their original work (fun fact did you know john and paul of beatles fame wrote their own music, and when mick and keith of stones fame found out it was In Fact That Easy they began to write their own music too? fascinating.)

ANYWAY here’s some stones songs: gimme shelter and you can’t always get what you want (let it bleed, 1969); angie (goats head soup, 1973); sympathy for the devil (beggars banquet, 1968)

again i am….Slowly inching my way up their discography. snails pace. i’ll get there. (u can ask glimmerkeith on tumblr for stones song recs, bc shes great and knows much more than i do and i would die for jenn)

now here’s a band…….that i’ve rediscovered pretty recently. try, last week.

AC/DC!!!!!!!! (early 1970s to now) (genres: hard rock, blues rock, rock and roll)

this is Very Much Your Dads™ Music. probably. most likely, anyway. but listen: i saw them in concert once and (while it probably…wasnt the best experience for me) i had a fucking Blast. very sad things happened in this band in the last few months.

not recent, but very important, in 1980 their lead singer bon scott died and everyone was sad. then brian johnson came out with his fuckin voice and everyone was like “ok sweet lets get back to rock n’ roll”

so this will be split by scott’s era and the johnson era (heh heh) And, because i’m familiar with this band, i’ll list the album in question and name a few songs off it instead of just naming songs. because yes.

scott:

T.N.T (1975); it’s a long way to the top (if you wanna rock ‘n’ roll); T.N.T; high voltage

dirty deeds done dirt cheap (1976); dirty deeds done dirt cheap (edit: i just realized how much i actually hate this album and only like that song so WHOOPS but i wanna keep the formatting so, yknow)

let there be rock (1977); let there be rock; whole lotta rosie

highway to hell (1979); highway to hell (it just felt really weird, making a reclist of songs by ac/dc and Not including this one)

johnson:

back in black (1980); HELLS BELLS; shoot to thrill; given the dog a bone; back in black; you shook me all night long

for those about to rock we salute you (1981); for those about to rock (we salute you)

the razors edge (1990); thunderstruck

making this list, it hit me how much of bon scott i actually Listen to when i listen to ac/dc dfkjghjdfksdsfj but uh yeah those. are good

AND NOW…FOR THE FUCKIN MOMENT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR

GUNS! AND! ROSES! (mid 1980s to NOW MOTHERFUCKERS!!! THEYRE BACK!!! well, touring at least) (genres: hard rock, heavy metal <- lmao what)

arguably my favorite band. subjectively, my favorite classic rock band. objectively? they own a huuuge portion of my heart, and my ass.

so listen up: these two kids from indiana run away to california to get out of fucking indiana, because who wants to stay in indiana, (it’s more like, one gets out, and like a year later the other kid tries to find him in the big mean streets of L.A) and along the way they get shuffled in and out of bands together. they start bands, break up bands, the whole fuckin shebang.

and then a few chance miracles happen and suddenly guns n’ roses is formed in like 1985. my boys? those are my boys.

i’m gonna do what i did w ac/dc and bullet the albums and then i’m gonna talk about the albums because i got SHIT to SAY

appetite for destruction (1987); welcome to the jungle, out ta get me, paradise city, sweet child o’ mine, ROCKET QUEEN

all right so here’s the deal, it was very hard not picking every single song on the album because every single song on the album is fucking perfection. actual gold. there’s no flaws in this album. Nothing. everything is good and perfect and i’m not biased at all

did you know axl rose (one of the boys from indiana) recorded each line individually? so, he sang a line, and then stopped recording, and then started recording the next line because he wanted it to be perfect?

did you know appetite was originally a flop album but after this dude got the guys at MTV to play the music video for Jungle at like 5am, guns n’ roses BLEW THE FUCK UP. Everybody know about them practically overnight. it was surreal and really cool, apparently.

and did you know axl played the synthesizer in paradise city? that’s adorable. i fucking love him.

gn’r lies (1988); patience; used to love her

the first four tracks in this EP are from their very first EP ever recorded - it Sounds like it’s taken from a live show but they dubbed in the audience in post, to make it seem like they had huge crowds attending their shows when in reality that wasn’t the case. (their first ep was released in december 1986, they had loyal fans but the crowd wasn’t that rowdy until after appetite came out)

believe me when i tell you. don’t listen to one in a million. or like, do. but i’m not gonna fight anyone about this. it’s fucked up. i’m not defending axl at all and i actually struggled with liking guns after i listened to it.

but unfortunately here we are and i saw them in concert and i had to deal with some fuckhead in the row behind me and his friend who kept Shouting that they play the song, when nobody on stage could her them, and like. of course they wouldn’t play it today. fuck off man

use your illusion i (1991); right next door to hell; dust n’ bones; perfect crime; november rain; BAD APPLES; COMA

i tried to limit these to five songs an album but i fuckin can’t, anon. illusion1 is just so fucking perfect. i can’t choose between my children. pls forgive me

on dust n’ bones and double talkin’ jive is izzy stradlin doing vocals (the second indiana boy, the one who left indiana first) and he’s regarded as the most unnderrated member in gnr by like everybody. so much so that it’s almost…too much. but like basically he was addicted to drugs and everything and then he sobered up when everyone else in the band was still hooked and he was like “wtf i’m out” and axl was like noooo :(

use your illusion ii (1991); civil war; 14 years; GET IN THE RING; locomotive; estranged; you could be mine

UYI1 and 2 were released on the same day. can you imagine how fuckin wild that day was? gnr fans scrambled to their record stores by the hordes probably.

izzy does vocal work in 14 years and this album was his last contribution to the band

uhhhh this album is also fucking perfect but i get sad listening to it sometimes so i try not to? very emotionally driven work. but like, where UYI1 was mostly passionate and angry-ish based, UYI2 is much more contemplative and uhh. sad. i guess.

“the spaghetti incident?” (1993)

this is a cover album and also the last album to feature my love, my soul, my light, my heart, slash. also duff. i mean i love him probably almost just as much but, yeah. duff actually looks like my cousin’s dad so i can’t really…. um. i feel weird about talking about him kjdfgd

but SLASH my god what a perfect man. i love him more than almost everything.

hey fun fact in between UYI and TSI, guns n’ roses toured with metallica and that tour is when slash, In His Autobiography, said he “lost” axl. his word. he Lost axl.

axl rose is a whole fuckin…..topic for another time, and i’m not gonna get into my own bullshit here, but that’s basically the situation when you listen to TSI. the band is fractured and barely holding together. after TSI, slash and duff leave GNR and axl is the only original member from the band still in it

(of course that opens up a conversation of who was originally in guns n’ roses but that’s another discourse for another time)

CHINESE DEMOCRACY (2008); CHINESE DEMOCRACY; BETTER; THERE WAS A TIME; SORRY; MADAGASCAR; PROSTITUTE

I. FUCKING. LOVE. THIS. ALBUM. MORE THAN I COULD EVER EXPRESS. everyone says it’s “not gnr” of COURSE it isn’t gnr, when YOU think of GNR, you see slash. and like, i love slash? but he didn’t make the band. EVERYONE - axl, izzy, steven, duff, And slash made the band. after steven was kicked, gnr lost a huge part of what made them stand out, what made the band unique.

and like, fuck, i love dizzy. i love all of the new additions. but you cannot. fucking look me in the eyes and tell me you love UYI But you hate CD because it’s “not gnr”. like. fuck you man.

ugh anyway. i just gotta let y’all know my Stance on this. i love chinese democracy. i’ll defend this album with my fucking life. i was really…disappointed when, at my concert, i didn’t hear more CD but like i also saw slash in person (albeit, from far away, but we shared the same arena and that’s. more than i can handle)

i wanna get lyrics from prostitute tattooed on my body.

also like you can’t tell me better and sorry aren’t about slash sorry but that’s just the fuckin tea

Now, listen, this ask got away from me. i didn’t include…SO many bands because, like i said, i just scratch the surface of what classic rock is. my word isn’t law, ok? that bein said, i am always, ALWAYS down to talk about any of the bands here, and others!!! if i know of them. i’m always taking music/song recs, too.

thanks..for reading this stupid answer to your innocent ask sdfkjghsdf

#🌹 tag #here i've given you a tag now #i hope u don't mind!#also! i'm so sorry this took forever!!!

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youhadmeathohoho · 7 years ago

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Does this movie have a good name?

Marry Me at Christmas is not a pun, which is very disappointing. How hard would it have been to call this movie Do You Take This Snowman? or - at the very least - MERRY Me at Christmas?

Are we located in a small, picturesque, snow-covered town?

You betcha. This town’s called Fool’s Gold, and we’re talking baubles on lamp-posts, and gingerbread houses being decorated in the street.

Is the lead character’s name festive? Extra points for names that are not names e.g. Merrilee

The lead character is named Madeline Krug. Huh? How is this festive? BOOOOO. We’re here for a Christmas movie, not a Halloween movie.

How busy is said lady?

Maddie is very busy running a struggling small-town bridal boutique. The store might go bust soon, so she needs to keep busy doing a lot of business.

How are everyone’s Christmas Spirit levels?

Everyone in this movie likes Christmas a normal amount. Nobody despises the festive season or needs reminding of its true meaning. Nor are they scary tinsel fetishists. UGH BORING.

Does anything magical or supernatural happen?

Technically no, but action move star Johnny Blake comes to Fool’s Gold to help with (i.e. meddle weirdly in) his sister’s last-minute wedding. He’s allegedly very famous and very handsome, yet he’s willing to hang out with Maddie, a humble shop girl, and (SPOILER) even canoodle with her, which must involve magic because famous handsome men do not woo mortals. (Except Nicolas Cage that one time.)

Does a misunderstanding threaten the lady’s path to Happy Ever After with the man?

For approximately 12 seconds, she thinks he’s getting with some actress/skank, and he thinks she’s sold him out to the paps.

Is there a big corporation threatening a small community?

If only. All we know is that the bridal boutique is struggling. COME ON WRITERS. Let’s have this charming store threatened by a mega-chain called ‘Cheap Frills’.

Is this movie bang on trend?

The bride (Ginger) came to town because she was commissioned to design its website. There are no things more modern than websites. Also, there is a joke about an old person trying to take a selfie.

Any missed opportunities?

Hell yes:

1. The two leads get on fine from the get-go, if a little awkwardly. WHAT NONSENSE IS THIS?? I want my couples bickering at the start at least, or it ain’t no romance.

2. If you’re going to allude to an actress/skank, let us meet that hussy, please!

3. Johnny, the famous, handsome movie star, should obviously be followed around by a harried personal assistant, who does everything for him, including buying his family’s Christmas gifts, while neglecting her own personal life.

4. Not showing us a single amusing clip from Johnny’s dumb action movies (the Fire’s Edge series) is disgraceful.

Best dialogue?

“This is the most beautiful Christmas wedding I’ve ever seen.”

On reflection, is this movie about Christmas?

It is not!

Overall rating?

#hallmark #christmas #marry me at christmas #hallmark christmas #johnny blaze fan club president

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stalkhome-sindrone · 8 years ago

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All 200 of the asks

200: My crush’s name is: [get fucked]199: I was born in: a hospital in Canada somewhere198: I am really: messed up197: My cellphone company is: Rogers196: My eye color is: Mud brown195: My shoe size is: 10 1/2194: My ring size is: Excuse me?193: My height is: 6 ft192: I am allergic to: my own satisfaction191: My 1st car was: probably crashed in a past life 190: My 1st job was: probably ruined in a past life189: Last book you read: A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Heaven by Corey Taylor188: My bed is: really nice at this time of day187: My pet: is not here yet, ask me in a few years186: My best friend: is a bit of a cunt, but aren't we all?185: My favorite shampoo is: no real preference184: Xbox or ps3: Xbox183: Piggy banks are: for losers, get an old fashioned jar182: In my pockets: nothing181: On my calendar: also nothing180: Marriage is: a waste of time and resources179: Spongebob can: see question 200178: My mom: does her best177: The last three songs I bought were? what are the last 3 songs on Hybrid Theory?176: Last YouTube video watched: video about how Louis CK writes jokes175: How many cousins do you have? too many to count here174: Do you have any siblings? 2 stepsisters and 1 brother173: Are your parents divorced? Nope172: Are you taller than your mom? Yup171: Do you play an instrument? Multiple170: What did you do yesterday? Probably what I did today but slightly happier

[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: HA HA HA see question 200168: Luck: Yup167: Fate: To an extent, yes166: Yourself: On good days...who am I kidding, in vey few areas165: Aliens: Why not?164: Heaven: Nopenopenope163: Hell: If this isn't it, nopenopenope162: God: see question 200, also I'm agnostic161: Horoscopes: to an extent, fun reads though160: Soul mates: Jury is out on this one159: Ghosts: Sorta158: Gay Marriage: Hell yea (the best kinda ally is only an ally)157: War: Nopenopenope156: Orbs: ...huh?155: Magic: ...eh

[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: Both153: Drunk or High: Neither152: Phone or Online: Online151: Red heads or Black haired: both150: Blondes or Brunettes: both149: Hot or cold: neither, warm148: Summer or winter: Summer147: Autumn or Spring: Spring146: Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla actually145: Night or Day: Night144: Oranges or Apples: Oranges143: Curly or Straight hair: Always been envious of straight hair142: McDonalds or Burger King: Burger King141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: PC139: Flip flops or high heals: Flip flops138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Ugly and rich just to try it out137: Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi136: Hillary or Obama: Obama135: Burried or cremated: Pass134: Singing or Dancing: Dancing if I must pick133: Coach or Chanel: ...huh?132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: ...heh?131: Small town or Big city: Biiiiiig city130: Wal-Mart or Target: Walmart129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Adam Sandler128: Manicure or Pedicure: Both127: East Coast or West Coast: Both?126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Birthday125: Chocolate or Flowers: Both, I'm greedy, probably chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney123: Yankees or Red Sox: Neither

[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: Don't have it, don't support it, conversation works better.121: George Bush: Couple bands wrote some hate songs about him.120: Gay Marriage: IF YOU DON'T SUPPORT IT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING FOLLOWING ME? see question 200 and piss off.119: The presidential election: AHAHAHAHAHAHA next118: Abortion: AHAHAHAHAHAHallow it, their kid, their prerogative117: MySpace: 10/10 great ironic joke to make116: Reality TV: Big Brother was fun till 2017115: Parents: They were fun till 2006114: Back stabbers: see question 200113: Ebay: ....eh112: Facebook: kinda dead now111: Work: ...huh?110: My Neighbors: cool people, rowdy dog109: Gas Prices: Overcharged like everyone says108: Designer Clothes: Overcharged like everyone says107: College: Not as bad as the perception is106: Sports: ...eh105: My family: ...eh104: The future: It depresses me in all honesty, but so does everything

[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: ...shit...102: Last time you ate: 3 hours ago101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: today100: Cried in front of someone: maybe last week...maybe99: Went to a movie theater: 6 months at the least ago98: Took a vacation: 3 weeks ago..sigh97: Swam in a pool: A long ass time96: Changed a diaper: Maybe a few years95: Got my nails done: Maybe a few years94: Went to a wedding: 2 years93: Broke a bone: never, lucky I know92: Got a piercing: never91: Broke the law: 4th grade90: Texted: 1 minute ago

[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: My friend Sayem because he is consistently a dumbass and I love him for it88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: banana bread87: The last movie I saw: Amelie 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: when my new album comes in the fucking mail85: The thing im not looking forward to: tomorrow84: People call me: Donatello actually (y'all are not allowed to) (I'll block you, don't think I won't block you)83: The most difficult thing to do is: be happy82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope81: My zodiac sign is: Taurus80: The first person i talked to today was: Might've been @lovelyformylove but I dunno79: First time you had a crush: age 9, it didn't ruin me till 1178: The one person who i can’t hide things from: myself, duh (hide shit from people all the time)77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: maybe today76: Right now I am talking to: nobody (COME HERE)75: What are you going to do when you grow up: make a thing for people to consume or pirate as entertainment...or die first74: I have/will get a job: see question 7373: Tomorrow: but far away is tomorrow?72: Today: I will suffer for who I chose to care about71: Next Summer: I will be in another country [see question 72]70: Next Weekend: I will sleep in69: I have these pets: not yet68: The worst sound in the world: Forks on plates67: The person that makes me cry the most is: easily myself, duh66: People that make you happy: too exhausting a list65: Last time I cried: last week64: My friends are: really great for tolerating me63: My computer is: finally decent62: My School: a waste of a perfectly good Indian burial ground61: My Car: sitting in a dealership, still waiting60: I lose all respect for people who: fuck with people's emotions (I break my own rule because I am a hypocrite)59: The movie I cried at was: ....can't remember58: Your hair color is: Black/really dark brown57: TV shows you watch: Elementary, The Blacklist, Archer...can't remember the rest 56: Favorite web site: this dumb piece of shit, I mean Tumblr55: Your dream vacation: probably a recording studio to be honest54: The worst pain I was ever in was: something stupid and emotional53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium well52: My room is: pretty dark51: My favorite celebrity is: Corey Taylor?50: Where would you like to be: see question 5549: Do you want children: sure48: Ever been in love: tragically47: Who’s your best friend: Jeremy/Sayem46: More guy friends or girl friends: Real life: guys, here: girls45: One thing that makes you feel great is: a really good riff44: One person that you wish you could see right now: myself in 10 years (most answers witm "myself" are cop outs for real people)43: Do you have a 5 year plan: fuck no42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: not yet, but I procrastinate on most important things41: Have you pre-named your children: Michael/Micayla so far, very small shortlist40: Last person I got mad at: myself (that one is authentic)39: I would like to move to: Denmark (escapism capital of my mind)38: I wish I was a professional: composer

[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: Hershey's Cookies n Cream36: Vehicle: pass35: President: Obama I guess34: State visited: nowhere33: Cellphone provider: Rogers?32: Athlete: pass31: Actor: pass30: Actress: pass (I've gone numb)29: Singer: see question 5128: Band: changes, currently Foo Fighters27: Clothing store: pass26: Grocery store: FreshCO?25: TV show: Elementary maybe24: Movie: Ameline currently23: Website: this dumb waste of time, I mean Tumblr22: Animal: TURTLE21: Theme park: Wonderland?20: Holiday: New Year's Day19: Sport to watch: Wrestling probably18: Sport to play: Not wrestling xD17: Magazine: Probably some guitar magazine16: Book: Maybe 198415: Day of the week: Saturday easily14: Beach: haven't been to many memorable ones13: Concert attended: see question 1412: Thing to cook: egg, ham, and cheese bagels11: Food: see question 1210: Restaurant: August 8, no joke9: Radio station: the one with the nice classical music8: Yankee candle scent: pass7: Perfume: Chanel something6: Flower: Magnolia5: Color: Green or red, never at the same time4: Talk show host: John Oliver3: Comedian: Bill Burr or Jim Jefferies2: Dog breed: Beagle1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Yes

#jennythefennecfox

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shandragdotson · 7 years ago

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Be Rich, Not Famous: The Joy Of Being A Nobody

When I first started Financial Samurai, I was proud of finally creating something. For too long, I had just followed orders. Yet, I couldn’t tell anybody about my hobby because I was still employed. I was afraid if my employer found out, they’d tell me to shut it down or at the very least, dock my bonus for being unfocused. After all, the site was started in the middle of the financial crisis and they were always looking for reasons to cut costs.

When I finally engineered my layoff three years later in 2012, I still felt it was unwise to tell anybody about my site even though I was internally beaming with pride about the site’s growth. I felt like a new parent who wanted to annoy the crap out of all his friends by cooing about every milestone their child hit.

But because I had five years of deferred compensation on the line, even if there was just a 1% chance my old employer would withhold payment, I didn’t want to risk losing six years of living expenses. And so, I kept my mouth largely shut until I had a decision to make on 4/21/2017, when my last severance-related payment hit my bank account.

In a way, the five-year time period when I was collecting my deferred compensation was like a mental jail. Like Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption reaching for the stars as rain spatters his face, full emancipation only came years after leaving Corporate America.

With nothing holding me back in 2017, it would seem like finally, I could brag to everyone that I had created a website large enough to support a family in San Francisco. With some publicity would come growth. But alas, I felt it was much better to keep a low profile.

For those of you who are thirsty for attention, let me share some thoughts about being a nobody for so long and why it may be in your best interest to do the same.

The Joy Of Being A Nobody

1) You focus on what truly matters. Whenever you create something you’re proud of, there’s a natural tendency to want to tell everybody about your success. Look at me. I am so great! The more you share, the more addicted you become to the attention and the less you focus on the work that made you proud in the first place.

There are people who are trapped in a cyclone of self-validation, e.g., constantly posting selfies of a new look on Twitter, showing off a new car on Facebook, or writing about yet another fabulous vacation on Instagram. Think about it. If your self-esteem is strong, why do you need to tell anybody about anything you do?

We all need some sort of attention or validation. I get it. But moderation is the word. Don’t let such need to be recognized get out of control.

Not being able to publicly disclose I ran Financial Samurai for eight years made me focus on the only thing that mattered to its growth: writing regular content. I couldn’t leverage my network of entrepreneurs and financially savvy folks. I couldn’t leverage my resume. I couldn’t leverage my Asian heritage. Nor could I leverage my fabulous good looks to get on TV (ok, not really).

The only way I could grow was to compete on quality of content. Could I tell an interesting enough story that kept people engaged? Could I write valuable enough content where people could learn and grow their wealth and happiness? Could I write a post so polarizing that it would turn off a bunch of readers, but attract a bunch more because they saw the reality in what I was saying?

These were the challenges that I focused on every single week for years. And due to the focus, this site grew.

2) You become impervious to insults. After you’ve been called a loser, an idiot, a dumb ass, arrogant, out of touch, shameful, a dickhead, a chink, and the many other epithets, your mind turns bulletproof. After all, when you’re already a nobody, nothing can be any lower.

And because I’m a nobody, even the smallest words of kindness are meaningful. Today, I get more joy from a nice response to my private newsletter than I would if I was a public personality being lauded with praise all the time. I also developed the ability to ignore or instantly forget anybody who shows hate. It’s like having the super power of selective amnesia.

Developing a thick skin can really help the relationships that matter most to you. For example, let’s say your husband or wife comes home from work extremely grumpy one day. If you’ve been able to develop a thick skin, you’ll more easily brush off his or her boorishness as a temporary phase.

What’s also interesting is that while insults no longer hurt as much, they still very much act as motivators to keep on going. I often use negative feedback to create new posts, thereby buttressing the survival of Financial Samurai, which in turn allows my family to continue living free.

3) You can live your life in peace. Being famous is a curse. Yet, for some reason, kids seem to have an insatiable desire for worldwide attention. What the hell happened? Is it due to social media or bad parenting or both?

When you’re famous, many people want something from you, mostly your time. And given time is more valuable than money, being known robs you of your most precious asset. Thank goodness I’m not famous. However, FS has grown large enough to where I get emails every single day asking for help without the person ever attempting to build a relationship first. If this scale of inquiry frequency were to transfer into the real world, I probably wouldn’t be able to step out of the house.

For example, one day my friend blew me up while we were soaking in a hot tub after tennis at a club. He asked me, “How is Financial Samurai doing?” in front of five other fellow soakers, and one of them perked up and began asking me at least 10 questions ranging from whether she should buy property to whether she should go back to grad school. She had been a reader of Financial Samurai for three years.

Of course I had to be nice and answer her questions. I’m always honored to meet a long-time reader. But after 2+ hours of grueling tennis, all I wanted to do was soak in the hot tub, drink a beer, and relax.

Now imagine if you were actually famous, and didn’t just have some small-time website. You would never be able to do anything in public in peace. Every single move you make would be questioned. Your words will be twisted to fit an agenda. You’d never be able to be yourself.

4) There are no expectations of you. When you’re a nobody, nobody expects you to do anything or do anything special. Therefore, you can regularly surpass expectations.

As a 5.0 rated tennis player, I’m supposed to readily beat 4.5 rated tennis players. If I do, nobody cares. But if I lose, as I’ve done before, it’s a disaster. I’d much rather be a 3.5 tennis player and beat up on 4.0s, 4.5s, and 5.0s instead. This is why there are so many sandbaggers in any competitive activity.

Think about all the celebrities out there who are expected to always look good in public. What a drag! Most of the time, normal people just want to put on some comfortable clothes after washing their faces, and go for a leisurely walk without anybody taking their picture.

What about if you are a Harvard alumni? You are expected to do great things because you were so great in high school. But the sad reality is, a significant majority of Harvard alumni end up doing the same thing everybody else does in society. What a let down.

It’s no fun having the weight of the world on your shoulders. Life is so much better when you can surprise on the upside and be judged based on what you do.

5) You allow your children to be their own people. I feel sorry for the children of celebrities who find themselves in the limelight because of parental transgressions. Children shouldn’t have to suffer due to the sins of their parents. Nor should children be forced to feel the pressure of matching their parent’s success.

If you’re always posting pictures of your kids who aren’t old enough to consent to public exposure, consider slowing down. You’re exposing them to public scrutiny which they haven’t asked for. Please don’t exploit your children to further your ego or business interests.

Protect them until they are old enough to make rational decisions for themselves.

Be Rich, Not Famous

All this desire for fame and prestige is truly a waste of time. Get your 15 minutes of fame to satisfy your curiosity. Maybe get 30 minutes just to be sure.

Unless you’re a completely insecure person, you’ll realize the attention you seek is really just a band-aid for some deeper problem that needs fixing.

Work on accumulating enough passive income so you never have to listen to anybody again. Accumulate at least 20X your annual expenses in liquid net worth so you can start feeling the joy of financial freedom. The only things that matter are your friends, your family, and your freedom.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

The Rise Of Stealth Wealth: Ways To Stay Invisible From Society’s Rage

The Stealth Wealth Compendium Of Useful Phrases To Protect Your Freedom

Are You Smart Enough To Act Dumb Enough To Get Ahead

Readers, why do you think people seek so much attention nowadays? Why do people pick fights with others and say stupid things over social media if they still depend on a job to survive? If you want to be famous beyond your circle of people that matter, please explain why. What are some of the positives of being famous over being a nobody?

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rangerhanna-56-blog · 8 years ago

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You're upset bc you got called out on saying something stupid like just man up and say ok I'm wrong I won't do it again sorry like that's all you have to do.... it really is that simple ????

Okay but have you seen my other posts where I said "I'm wrong I get it" "I get it I fucked up"Like I literally acknowledged I fucked up and people still felt the need to send a 17 year old death threats because literally you can't fucking disagree with anyone on this shit website without people attacking you. Like I'm literally being told to kill myself over a sarcastic comment I made and it literally drove me into having a psychotic episode because I literally have multiple psychological problems and I ended up carving awful fucking shit into my body with an actual knife. Like do people on here actually realize when they attack someone, that person might not actually be able to handle being threatened because of something literally so fucking small. I literally went to this person and tried to explain myself and yeah I did it in a petty way and they posted it for literally all their followers to see, but then as soon as I started getting anon hate they were like "but those aren't MY followers". Like how do you ACTUALLY know none of those people aren't your followers tho??? Like do you really think that ur followers are gonna step forward and say "yeah lol I was one of those ppl threatening that girl and saying that her and her family deserve to be killed" legit all because I compared TRUMP to fucking HITLER. Like bitch now that I've had my mental breakdown and I've calmed down a bit I can actually advocate for myself and say I'm allowed to have a differing fucking opinion than someone else and I shouldn't be fucking harassed for it. And idk wtf the whole "white liberalism" thing is when like I've done nothing to show I only care about the white race. Like yeah I'm white but that's literally just it??? Like sorry that I think that history is repeating itself bc THE SIGNS ARE ALL THERE and I have countless people agreeing with me WHO HAVE STUDIED THIS SHIT, that Trump is going to turn this country into something absolutely fucked up (he's literally having neo-nazis work for him like idk how else to fucking make this comparison any clearer???). Like are you just upset bc I compared him to hitler bc that's literally what everyone has been doing and it's annoying or are you literally trying to tell me that there are no similarities between them and that I shouldn't be worried as much as you all should be??? Like as long as you're not a Straight White CIS Christian Male, you're fucked. People are being fucking murdered because of this dude. What I'm trying to say if yeah I'm admitting I fucked up and I literally HAVE BEEN but none of you people people listen so I literally went into full panic mode and caused physical fucking harm to my body that probably requires a doctor to look at (let's be honest im not going to a fucking doctor because if they ask me why all this happened and I tell them it was tumblr discourse, they either won't understand or I'll get the biggest eye roll ever). I literally hope everyone is satisfied with themselves here. Are you happy that you got the "clueless white girl" to finally hurt herself because I hope you are. And the whole thing about me "using my mental illness to manipulate people and make them feel bad for me" is so much bullshit. Yes I had someone take a screenshot btw because I wanted to see how things were playing out. All because you got through this type of shit without support doesn't mean you're a better human being??? This was talked about as if people knew exactly what I suffer from and that it was just me using mild depression or something to excuse the dumb shit I do. And if you haven't fucking noticed yet, I literally just admitted right there that some of the shit I do is in fact dumb.If you want to get into this with me and you really want an explanation I can give it to you because that really isn't half the case. My family literally is full of people who have psychological problems (some of which I don't even know the names of). Just recently my grandfather (a retired police officer) was found hiding in his bedroom from my grandmother with a loaded fucking gun while whispering to it and he was later diagnosed with stage 3 Alzheimer's and he's convinced my grandmother is a member of the Italian mafia sent to assassinate him. I'm not telling you family stories for nothing and I'm sure you guys are gonna have a good laugh about this too because no matter what I say to explain myself I still get treated like shit. Im not even sure if I'm allowed to say this, but if even a team of Harvard Medical Graduates; professionals that people from all around the world seek for help from; can't pinpoint what psychological problems I have, then I shouldn't be given that "trying to manipulate people" shit. A fucking adult said this. If you have any experience with being mentally ill like you say you do, then you know just how fucking difficult it is to properly function and be able to say the right things and advocate for yourself. Do you know how fucking hard it is to fall asleep at night and wake up in the morning knowing that you'll probably have to rely on a caretaker for the rest of your fucking life because you can't make choices for yourself and will need to be under constant supervision so you don't fucking hang yourself one day?? I don't fucking enjoy being a literal walking disease, but thanks for implying that I would ever use it as a fucking tool to get what I want when I want it, you ignorant fuck. You didn't possibly think after screenshotting my mental breakdown that "Hey, someone probably has to have some type of chemical imbalance to type all of this out" before posting it and using it as a prop to get on some fucking high horse. I'm not some mildly depressed idiot fucking white girl who has no clue what happens outside of the cushy walls of my fucking house. I know how fucking horrible and disgusting the human race can be to each other which is part of the reason why I'm like this.I get it! You're so much more fucking smarter than me!!! I'm a stereotypical white western liberal! You caught me red handed! I literally hope that every single one of you have gotten your superiority fix for the day because I've literally had to move blogs because of this. I actually came back to this blog to clean up my mess of posts which is what I do after my episodes, and I happened to notice that one of the anons I had was surprisingly not abuse, but still something bitchy anyway. If you want anything positive to come from me answering this, then I'm just gonna say Thank You for not being like one of the other people who wished death upon me. If you guys still aren't satisfied with this, then I don't fucking know what else to say?? I've explained myself and admitted over and over that I was wrong, but nobody was satisfied until I freaked the fuck out and they got a good laugh out of causing a stupid white girl distress. I'm humiliated now and have pretty much become a laughing stock so yeah. There it is.

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