#this is tge lowest ive been in years

[edgybutnotveryedgy]

...

[bfire92]

Decade resolution

2010 - I turned 18, and legally became an adult.

2011 - I went interrailing, moved away from home, started a one-year course in creative writing, found my peers, and got my first boyfriend.

2012 - I started Uni, because I had lost faith in my art, believing I was too bad to pursue it. So I chose to study biology instead. For the first time in my life, I felt truly lonely.

2013 - I realised some of my new friends would be friends for life. I started working out. My boyfriend moved in and we shared a room in the housing where we lived with my friends.

2014 - I followed my dream and went to Africa for a one-month field trip. I went to Wales on exchange for a semester, and met wonderful people I won't ever forget.

2015 - I wanted to apply to a new writers school. I had the application ready. It ment I would have to move. I asked my boyfriend one last time what he felt about it. He said he didn't want me to leave. I didn't apply. I've never forgiven myself. I remember feeling like something broke in me, and whatever that was, I've never fixed it. I took my first tattoo.

2016 - I officially start my master's, though I've been taken master degree courses for a year. My friends think I am ghosting them. Truth is, me and XY are struggling, and I am not sure if my boyfriend is even alive when I return from school in the afternoon. My dad gets arrested. My family is torn to pieces. I am still getting good grades. XY and me both go to therapy. XY convinces me to buy a dog, so he can have a therapy dog. I agree, in some sort of late act of rebellion to my parents. I dye my hair.

2017 - Fluffbaby, our dog, comes home. I write a master's degree people think is might get me in trouble. I get a B+. I work at the local aquarium while finishing my master. The time I spent at the aquarium was the first time I felt really happy since Wales. XY gets medicated. I have basically stopped working out, because I can't find the time. I gain all the weight I had lost.

2018 - I start my new job. It's my dream job, but I only have one male co-worker who is 50, and my boss scares me. I get lonely again. I try to work out, but we've moved to a place where we have to drive to get anywhere. Both me and XY are basically isolated. I take a seminar based course in birding next to my job.  I write the first draft of a book I then never return to. I write more poetry than I have in years. I spend most of my birthday alone, freaking out with anxiety.

2019 - I go to Spain as the last seminar of my birding course. I spend more nights outdoors. XY and me have a relationship boost. I actually sleep well practically every night. I spend a lot of time on Discord. I draw more than I have in years, and write just for fun. My friend asks me to the maid of honour. I realize tge reason I am itching is because ive developed eczema due to washing my hands so often at work. I have to completely change my skincare routine, and I fear it might turn out as bad as my dad's psoriasis. The relationship boost ends, and both feel winter taking it's toll. For the first time in years, I actually have a good time on my birthday, even though I celebrate alone with the dog.

This decade was the one where I lost my art, and the  reclaimed it. It was when I was at my mentally and physically best - and my lowest. It was when I fell in love, and struggled with my relationship. It was when my family finally broke, and when I build everlasting friendships.

It was the decade I spent becoming an adult, trying to find out who I am and what I want to do.

The next decade will be when I

•spend more time outdoors

•spend more time doing what I want, less what I feel like I must

•put my own needs first, no matter what

•find a way to take care of my body and mind

I hope I will return to this post 10 years from now, and I hope I can say that decade was better.

[meateatingorchids]

I got rlly fat like i got a big belly now which is soooo weird and i feel uncomfortable about to the point i hate my self .... 

Like what the fuck is that huge belly omfg like im pregnant and its disgusting.  Im so ugly RN i hate my self sm 

Also i tried to eat fitness food n its disgustingly tasting that i regretted eating it in the first place

Its so bad to the point tge sweet potato is better tasting than strogonoff what

I feel overly full to the point its uncomfortable and rlly  othering me and my face got super fat to the point i dont want to ever go out again

I never felt this ugly since 1 year. This is the most ugly ive felt in one year and i rlly hate myself i wanna kms like i can barely look at my disgusting reflection . I look gross. Im grossed w my self which is unbearable

Like im p sure this is beyond my watwr retention cuz of period i probably did get fat and its disgusting.  I cant look at myself

I hv sm fat in my stomato the point i feel like vomiting when i hv to shower it bothers me to the point maybe thats all ill think about until I lose this fat

I got fat to the point i can't u look and until I lose i won't talk to ppl anymore

My skin got super ugly lately too i bet its bc of that meds I hate it sm I look so disgusting i can't even look at myself anymore I want to burn this body alive lmao

I want to die so I dont hv to look at my reflection. I need to lose weight

My face looks so ugly I want to smash it w a hammer .. i think abt dark things lately.... like harming my self n shit like that 

The other day I couldn't not self harm cuz I was having such a hard time the entire of July so I had to self harm to de stress and now i wanna cut my self more and more like I need to do some harmful thing cuz I hate this body lmao 

I hate every minute of now and ever since I got fat I've been trying to lose weight cuz I want to reach my goal. I want to be skinny and thats the only thing I think about since I got fat. I also say fuck to the world cuz i only want one thing n thats losing this fuckong weight n fats i wanna be skinny again and that is my n1 goal and concern like every thing else is second to that. Idc about med achool or any school right now my main goal is losing this weight and more and more I want to be skinny again like in 2013 when I was happy . Fuck med school or any other stupid mission I only care about one thing.... i hate the reflection in the mirror it is so disgusting. I want to punish my self for getting this fat. This look ain't it and the clothes look ugly on me now i hate my self. I hope whoever haunted me last month gets super ugly n fat. I look so disgusting its gross to exist in such an ugly body n face i hate my looks now more than ever but I've been low-key dissatisfied with my appearance since sometime in june or Smth I hated my getting fat since June and I feel like it is so gross and I need to vent out abt it 

If I end up binging and starbing cicle again I know that i can give up any dream cuz my life will be it, binge and starve ... this is all I do when I'm in the bad place. My entire life is math in my head abt what I ate and how much and counting the numbers weigh in measures and math  here n there and thats so mind consuming thats the only thing I think about and nothing else can fit in lmao this is the life of some ed community girl... sucks but that's all we have. I do feel like purging but I've never been good at it but I hate the feeling of food sitting in my stomach and I hate the feeling of full and I hate it with so much passion that I come out lmao and I know unless I lose this weight that food and weight loss is all ill be thinking about so bye-bye med school. 

I even hate the feeling of fat in my calves cuz i feel it got fat and I can feel it and my thighs never looked so gross i hate my own body right now and since June I neen low-key hating it lmao...  welp 

I rlly never felt worse than this... since last june lmaooo I want to kill my self and I'm determined to do it bc that's all I have. I want to be free from this hell.

I have the most violent thoughts for the past weeks and I'm in the i wanna kill mode . I want to harm whoever did this to me whoever disrupted the peace I worked hard to get whoever disrupted it i wanna m*r*** them so much tbh I want to shake it off but the thought of causing as much harm as they caused me keeps coming to my mind I want to kill so much ... lmao I wan awake everything from them bc they rlly ruined my life that was hard to begin with. 

i got the need for an ed blog again cuz my ed is woken again lmao fuck my life. seems like its back i feel my ed waking up for the past months... its BACK i feel sometimes physically stronger as i used to be when i had my ed... even at my lowest weight i had some abnormal physical strength for a girl and now its back my ed... lmao fuckkkkkkkmy ed is strong and has such a darkness, dark mind and violent... idk how will i keep it under control cuz its very hard ... but at least my ed seem to protect me from some stuff... when i become very traumatized it seems to cause it to wake... whoever they were they woke up my demons.. thanks u scum vermin, u ruined the work weve been doing on putting it to sleep for over 10 years and u ruined its work it took 10 fucking years to out it to sleep... now its back and lively as always... why would anyone want my demon to wake why... my ed makes me physically stronger so its super easy to know when its here... lmaoooo im soooooo fuckedddd now ill pray i dont get in trouble much thats it

whoever was that kept pushing her to remember her traume woke the demon now they will have to pay for it

when i was only abt 40kg i had like sm physical strength and i only found out why years later... yeah... idk now what am i going to do i actually do love my demon despite all and were good friends... but sometimes it gets out of control.. its like having a pet tiger or lion tbh its v cute but it needs to be tamed... lmao also why did they disclose my demons name but not my angels lmao.. puzzling it is...