#this is something i've struggled with a lot during my time at uni

[sociologi]

I am in last year of bachelor's degree of sociology and I am confused to what do next ?? Some guidance or advice??

Hi anon! Thanks for your message ♡ I think that, while studying sociology gives you many different options, whether you want to continue your studies or find a job, it also means that it can be a bit harder to find out what you can actually use your degree for. So I completely understand how you’re feeling!

Personally, I chose to do my masters in sociology as well, but that is mainly because where I’m from (Denmark) it is nearly impossible to get a job with only a bachelors degree. But I think it’s generally important to figure out which topics you find the most interesting and dive into those - sustainability, social work, HR, criminology, etc. Because sociology is so broad I find it easier to motivate myself when I narrow down my focus. And my impression is that it also makes it easier to apply for jobs later on, as your profile isn't as broad.

Doing internships, volunteering, collaborating with a companies on projects if you can, or finding a relevant part time job can all be really great for figuring out what you want to do after graduating. Plus, it gives you a great network that you can use later on!

I also really recommend going on LinkedIn and looking at what other sociologists do. This has given me lots of inspiration.

I hope this was helpful, otherwise feel free to message me again!!

[lucy90712]

could you maybe write something about meeting gavi at a party but him being shy and you try to talk to him and ask his number then he messages you and takes you on a date

For my entire life I struggled making friends until I moved to Barcelona for uni, somehow I made a few friends who then introduced me to their wider friend group now I'm just part of the group. I'm definitely the odd one out in the group though they all like to go out or host parties while I'd much prefer to hang out with a few people at a time watching a movie or something but I always go along with what they do to get out my comfort zone. As much as I'm definitely the shy one of the group one of the guys I can tell would rather not be at the parties sometimes. Pablo and I have created some sort of weird bond we sometimes just sit quietly together out the way during group parties but we never really speak. Of course we've said a few words to each other but we usually just sit not saying anything which sometimes is just what I want.

My biggest problem is I've developed a bit of a crush on Pablo well more than a bit. Pablo has always been nice to me he's never questioned why I need to get away from the group sometimes  and he's never made fun of me for getting nervous around lots of new people. As much as Pablo doesn't join in with the rest of the group in making fun of me there is no way on earth he would ever like me back. As much as he sometimes will sit quietly with me he still gets involved with the group most of the time and not to mention he's a famous footballer so he could have probably any girl in Barcelona and probably Spain so there's no way he'd like me. 

For a few weeks now my closest friends have been trying to convince me to tell Pablo how I feel but I have dug my heels in and said that I can't. I think I'd honestly have a breakdown if I tried to confess my feelings to Pablo I've never had a boyfriend before and definitely never told anyone I like them. I'm sure that if I tried to say it my words would fail me or I'd chicken out before I could say it. My friends have tried to encourage me and get me to practice what I'd say and I can do it with them but I know I could never say it in front of anyone else.

Tonight there is a party at one of the guys houses and I just know that my friends are going to expect me to confess which is one of the many reasons I don't want to go but I know I have to as it's supposed to be a birthday party. The girls made me go shopping with them yesterday so they could get me to buy a new dress for tonight which is a cute dress and I feel good in it but I don't think it's going to completely change my personality and give me the confidence I need to talk to Pablo. I got myself all ready and I looked cute but I still felt just as nervous about this party and I thought about just not going but my friends arrived to pick me up before I could text them to say I wasn't going.

We arrived and within seconds my friends had disappeared so I made my way to a quiet corner of the party and sat on my phone looking up every now and then to see what was going on. Everyone was taking, dancing and drinking while I sat with my water in a red cup to make it look like I was drinking so I fit in. After a while I noticed Pablo was sat alone across the room from me and I thought about what my friends said and decided that if I just go over and try and talk to him nothing can go too wrong. I took a minute to build some confidence but when I did I walked over and sat on the sofa he was sitting on but left a bit of a distance between us. 

"Hi" I said so quietly it was just above a whisper 

"Hi" he replied clearly having just heard me 

"How have you been?" Pablo asked 

"I've been good how's your recovery been?" I asked 

"It's going well I'm getting closer to coming back" he said 

The conversation fizzled out after that and we went back to silence. There was no silence in my head though as I kept thinking should I tell him how I feel should I take my friends advice and risk losing the friendship with the one guy in the group who seems to actually get me. It's a really hard decision to make as I don't want to lose our friendship but I also don't want to hide my feelings anymore because what if we could really be something and if I don't say something I'll never know. All the what ifs eat away at me every night and they will continue to do so until I get an answer which I think means I just have to say it. 

"Pablo" I said to get his attention 

"Yeah" he replied 

"I like you as in more than a friend and have done for a while I get if you don't feel the same but I have to tell you" I admitted 

I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't for him to just smile at me and say nothing. That hurt more than rejection him saying nothing made me regret my decision to tell him more than anything as clearly he didn't feel at all the same and didn't expect me to say that. After a few more seconds I couldn't sit there any longer as I could feel tears beginning to fall and I didn't want him or anyone else to see my cry. I just made it outside before the tears began flowing and I couldn't stop them. I don't know if the tears were from sadness at the rejection or anger at myself for ever thinking Pablo would actually feel the same way I do. As I came here with my friends I didn't have a way to get home so I just sat on the side of the road crying until my taxi arrived. 

Once I got back home all I wanted was to curl up and cry in bed but I knew I had to get changed so I did but that only made me more upset as in my wardrobe I have Barcelona shirts and a hoodie which Pablo gave me one night a few months back when the group were out late and I got cold. I kept the hoodie as he told me I didn't need to give it back and it was comfortable but now I just want to burn it and forget that I ever knew Pablo. Even the pictures I have of everyone together were haunting me as somehow they seem to be everywhere I turn and the first person I noticed was Pablo every time. 

Eventually I got into bed but I couldn't get any sleep as I kept seeing my phone light up from my bedside table. It got too hard to ignore so I decided just to pick up my phone to make sure nothing bad was happening as I got in my head. Most of the texts were from my friends asking where I went and if I was ok so I told them I went home but nothing else. Then I noticed that I had a text from Pablo which I debated looking at because I don't think I can deal with him rejecting me any more than he already has. Curiosity took over though and I read the message. 

Pablo 

Hey y/n I'm so sorry if I made you feel bad earlier. What you said took me by surprise and I didn't know what to say but I've thought about it and now I have the right words to say if you are willing to listen. I really like you too and have for a while I never expected you to feel the same so I never made a move and I’m sorry I didn't take the chance to tell you while you were in front of me. If you still feel the same and can forgive me for being an idiot I'd love to go on a date with you.

Y/n 

I'd still love to go on a date with you

Pablo

Does tomorrow work for you I can pick you up and we can go back to my place 

Y/n 

That sounds great see you tomorrow x

~~~~~~~~~~

Pablo's confession surprised me but I know he wouldn't lie to me just to make me feel better so I agreed to go on a date with him. He text this morning with what time he was coming to pick me up so I got ready and then had to just wait. He showed up right on time and greeted me with a smile and opened the passenger door of his car for me so I could get in the car then did the same when we arrived at his place. After we went inside things were a little awkward but after we got over that and got into a conversation things felt a lot more natural. 

Of course we have known each other for while and had conversations before but there's still a lot we don't know about each other so we spent a good few hours just talking and getting to know more about each other. Both of us clearly felt a lot more comfortable around just each other when there wasn't a big group around us, conversation flowed freely and we both joked and laughed with each other which I never really do with the rest of our friends. Pablo must've felt a lot more confident because as we were talking he grabbed hold of my hand and just held it. My cheeks were definitely bright red after he did that but I liked the feeling of him holding tightly onto my hand. 

After a while of just talking to each other Pablo ordered us some food and when it arrived he let me pick a movie for us to watch. I picked a movie that I've watched a load of times but it's one of my favourites which when Pablo came back said was also one of his favourites so that's another thing we have in common along with all the others things we discovered today. We ate and watched the first movie but that ended far too quickly so Pablo picked another one for us to watch. His hand held mine again for a little while before he moved closer to me and looked at me for permission before putting his arm around my waist. I settled into his side and rested my head on his shoulder which was really comfortable. 

During the second movie we both sometime moved so that we were both laying down and cuddling my head was on his chest and his arms were wrapped around me. I could've fallen asleep in that position and probably would've if the movie didn't end and we realised that it had gotten late so I should go back home. My last bus had already left so instead of getting a taxi Pablo insisted on driving me back which I wasn't going to argue with. It didn't take long to get back to my place which meant leaving each other, in the car we already planned a second date but I still didn't want to say goodbye. 

"Thanks for today I've had the best time" I said 

"Me too I'm so glad you don't hate me after what I did yesterday I still feel bad about that" he said 

"It's ok I get it I kind of sprung it on you" I said 

"Can I kiss you?" Pablo asked 

"Yeah of course" I replied 

With that he put a hand on my cheek and pulled me in until our lips met. I've only ever kissed one guy before and that was a few years ago now but I don't remember it feeling anywhere near as magical as this kiss. It just felt so perfect his lips on mine made me feel like there was fireworks going off in my body. Eventually we both had to pull away but I could tell that he enjoyed it too by the big smile on his face. He pecked my lips one more time before saying goodbye leaving me standing behind my door with the biggest smile on my face and sending an excited text to my friends to tell them what happened as they all have no idea that I finally got what I've been thinking about for ages. 

[eorzeanscholar14]

A Thematic Analysis of Dawntrail (and Endwalker BUT MOSTLY DAWNTRAIL)

SURPRISE I REMEMBERED THIS BLOG

Anyway, I was thinking about Dawntrail and how it's thematically similar to Endwalker while still carrying its own message, and I want to ramble about it.

This is going to be a LONG post, so the analysis itself is under the cut.

So. Dawntrail has been out for two, maybe three months now, and because of uni I've not been able to play FFXIV for a while, but that's given me time to digest the new storyline a bit and the themes that are present in the story.

I think I'll divide this post into sections, for easier readability, going from the background of both expansions (yes I will tag spoilers) to my thinking on it.

Part 1: Dawntrail's Story

THERE WILL BE HEAVY SPOILERS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Dawntrail picks up pretty much where the post-Endwalker MSQ left off, with the party of the WoL and their friends (now featuring Erenville and Wuk Lamat!) setting off on a boat to Tural. A storm rattles them a little bit along the way, but most people end up being fine thanks to our intrepid heroes, and we make it to Tural no problem.

Once we're there, we go through the rite of succession, and Wuk Lamat learns a lot of things along the way, but mostly that in order to be a good ruler, she has to be willing and able to learn about the people she rules over, and be willing to listen and take action to help them with their struggles.

Surprising no one, she ends up becoming the new Dawnservant (and asking her brother Koana to help her, which I love) and her father, Gulool Ja Ja, steps down so she and Koana can begin ruling.

(Oh, and they kill Valigarmanda, a Tural Vidraal that not even her father could kill, and thoroughly smoke both Bakool Ja Ja and Zoraal Ja in the trials after that. Zoraal Ja then disappears and eventually opens the gate to and enters the golden city.)

Things are peaceful for about a day. During that time, the WoL accompanies Erenville to Xak Tural so he can visit his home, and they help settle matters in Shaaloani first.

After that, though, a weird sphere pops up over Yyasulani, and airships are seen heading towards Tuliyollal. Erenville and the WoL rush back, only to find a bloodbath, and Zoraal Ja battling his own father, covered in strange technology.

Zoraal Ja wins, and Wuk Lamat grieves for her father, promising to avenge his death.

She follows Zoraal Ja's airships into Yyasulani, where she and the party discover a changed world - and meet Queen Sphene, the ruler of the land and Zoraal Ja's Queen of Reason. The new world is called Alexandria, and she leads them on a tour of it - but something is... off about the whole place.

Eventually, Sphene reveals herself to be the big bad, and we defeat her, but Wuk Lamat promises to help Gulool Ja, Zoraal Ja's child, take care of the citizens of Alexandria as if they were her own.

Part 2: Dawntrail's Important Themes

Ok, so why the overview? Well, because it helps me keep the story somewhat straight, and lets me dig into some of the most important moments in it.

The first happens in the first part of the story, and it's about accepting differences in each other's culture, and learning to live in harmony with those around you. That's literally what Tuliyollal was built on, remember. And we see Wuk Lamat learn this lesson in a number of different ways throughout the rite of succession - she grows as a person because she allows herself to learn.

If you ask me, we should all strive to be more like Wuk Lamat in that regard.

The second happens right in the middle of the story, and Wuk Lamat is not the focus of it at first, but her brother, Koana, is. He is the first to recognize his faults, and work to overcome them, turning them into strengths. In turn, Wuk Lamat follows her older brother's example, even going so far as to ask him to serve as Dawnservant alongside her.

No one is perfect for one role alone - but if we collaborate, we can achieve great things. And while this has always been a theme of FFXIV, it really shines in the newest expansion.

And finally, some new old themes to consider:

Grief, but also remembrance.

This is the one I'm going to talk most about, so buckle up.

We first see the theme of remembrance in the Yok Huy, who do not have gravestones, but rather epitaphs that depict a person's life story, that they may always be remembered. They preserve important historical events in the same way - through murals and epitaphs, such as the discovery of the golden city.

And the near extinction of their people.

People, mind you, who they are still very much grieving. After all, a LOT of people died when the Yok Huy traveled to Xak Tural. In fact, we can see this plain as day in the Chirwagur population - they still believe the Yok Huy should be the overlords of the land, although they lack the strength to do anything about it and mostly just keep to themselves. And some people do that in grief - they cling to what once was because it brings them comfort in a time where there is very little to find in their life.

You know where else we see this?

Alexandria.

In fact, that's the whole concept of the Endless right there. They are AI that wear the faces of departed loved ones so that they may be eternally remembered, never forgotten, never dying, living in a veritable paradise.

A paradise that is at least partially based on Alexandria before the Electrope Wars.

In fact, Sphene did not become Queen of Alexandria until the Electrope Wars, so really her whole existence is an example of clinging to the past.

Part Three: What Does This Have To Do With Endwalker?

Boy oh boy, am I glad you asked!

In Endwalker, the Ascians have brought about the end of the world. Everyone is scared, and they don't know what to do, and then Radz-at-Han and Garlemald nearly fall to ruin. Many people die, and many more are actively grieving.

Ourselves included.

At this point in the story, the WoL has seen MULTIPLE friends die in front of them (although really only Moenbryda is brought up time and again, but she wasn't the only one - remember Minfilia, Ysayle, Haurchefant, Papalymo? Heck, even ARDBERT, who at one point tried to kill us and later helped us kill Hades.)

How everyone handles grief in Endwalker is different - some give in to despair, and become monsters themselves. Others try their best to hold out hope for a brighter tomorrow, like those in Radz-at-Han, and Garlemald, and Sharlayan.

Yet others actively do something with their grief, channel it into something useful - like the WoL. Of course, they literally travel to the aetherial sea, confront their grief head on in the form of the souls of their dead friends, and then beat the crap out of the last remaining Ancient who may as well be a god at this point so they can use her last bits of aether to power their ship to travel to the end of the universe and battle the literal embodiment of despair. And we can't all do that. But the message is the same no matter what: No matter how grief affects you, things can and will get better, even if you have to try and try and fail again and again to make it so.

Also can I just talk about that last fight with Zenos really quick? Because to me, that symbolizes the WoL finally letting go of what haunts them. Zenos, to me, is the shadow that haunts the Warrior of Light - literally. Not only is he our mirror, in Endwalker, he is a metaphor for grief, and how it never truly leaves, even when we've made peace with it.

And considering the real-world events going on at the time of Endwalker's release, this makes sense. It was the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, death tolls were climbing by the day, and many people were losing hope.

Part 4: How Does THAT Tie Into Dawntrail?

In talking about how Dawntrail and Endwalker are similar, we need to also consider the real-world events around the time of its release.

COVID-19 is still a very real threat, and ruins if not ends many people's lives daily, no matter how much we pretend it's gone away.

In multiple countries, there are elections being held that could determine whether certain groups of people even get BASIC RIGHTS, and in multiple other countries, people are being massacred for (from what I can tell) no other reason except genocide.

While Dawntrail begins as simply a new beginning to a new story, it ends as a reminder of the previous expansion's message - and a new addition to it.

Those who have left us are not truly gone, so long as we remember their stories. They can't come back to us, but they can stay in our memories until we ourselves pass on, and in that regard they never truly leave us.

[penelopepitstopp]

hi sorry to bother you and you don't have to answer if you don't want to but I was curious as I've heard some stuff about the reasons ed stopped doing his double act with ray peacock but you seem like you'd know more so I was just wondering if you could elaborate what happened?

again feel free to ignore im just quite new to off menu and only really know james's past stuff xx

I've had a few questions like this from people and sorry I've never answered them before but I was never quite sure what to say to be honest.

It's obviously quite sensitive for both sides and is not something I feel like I should comment on as they both kept what happened mostly private.

However, I do understand I probably know more than most thanks to being introduced to their podcast at a stupidly young age (thank you older foster brother) and keeping up with Ed’s career, and thought that perhaps me saying what I know to be true will be better than people speculating.

I do have my own personal opinions on some things but I'll leave them out of this and keep it to just what they have said or done publicly so it's purely objective, and be as respectful as I can (also I have not kept up with Ian's career so most of the more recent stuff is second hand from people who have)

(Oh, also I will refer to Ray as Ian as that is his actual name and he chooses to no longer go by Ray)

So, okay, this is what's out there:

- First a bit of background: Ian is quite a bit older than Ed (13 years) but met Ed when he was at university as he did a show there. Ian said he liked Ed because he was by far the most polite boy who came up to him. He later offered Ed a job as a director for his Edinburgh show.

- Ed continued to help Ian out during uni and after he left, Ian would occasionally get him gigs.

- When Ian started the The Ray Peacock podcast with Raji James, Ed was initially a guest but pretty soon became another host. He was still only 21 at the time. The podcast later went on to become The Peacock and Gamble podcast which was massively successful for the time.

- Ed was still living with his mum at the time but seemed to also spend a lot of days/nights at Ian's too. They were clearly extremely close.

- The podcast naturally lead on to them becoming a double act which they toured and took to Edinburgh. They tried to get some telly shows commissioned but none of them got the green light. They kept mainly to live shows, radio, and occasional guest spots on telly.

- During their time doing the podcast, Ian was diagnosed with depression (he would talk about this openly sometimes and has since done a mental health podcast)

- Ed never talked about anything like that at the time but has since talked about struggling with managing his type 1 and body image issues after he lost weight, so I don't think it would be unfair to say they both probably weren't at their best mentally around this time.

- An incident happened during their time on Fubar radio where Ed felt slighted by the station bosses (I believe they were not paying him judging by what he said to John Robins) and he decided he didn't want to work for them. Ian liked the steady gig so continued on as a solo show.

- Ed started to get a lot more solo gigs and telly work, along with many others of his generation of comics. Touring with Greg also helped him massively.

- Ian has admitted he went a bit crazy on twitter for a while. During one of Ed's early solo Edinburgh runs, Ed did a promotional interview. He didn't mention Ian and this caused Ian to send a number of very passive aggressive tweets to him which Ed didn't engage with. All tweets were later deleted.

- Ed tweeted at a slightly later date something that was not directly at Ian but was assumed to be. I will be paraphrasing a lot here but it was basically something like "Your life hasn't gone the way you wanted. I'm sorry. But don't use that as an excuse to ruin my night." Rob Beckett also got involved, again not mentioning anyone directly, but appearing to stand up for Ed.

- All of their old podcast episodes were later no longer available on official sources.

- Ian did a Q&A on his podcast after he and Ed has split up and was asked if they were still friends. He said they didn't speak anymore. He did also however, cut ties with almost everyone in comedy.

- Another time Ian confirmed he was the one who stopped talking to Ed. He did not elaborate as to why.

- However in more recent years they have at least had some communication. Ian did a retrospective on the Ray Peacock podcast and it pushed him to call Ed. I did not hear this myself but have heard from others it was quite sweet.

- Ed has mentioned Ian by name a few times on various podcasts and always seems to have no ill will. He has said he is grateful and was very lucky to be given the opportunity by him. He also said he wouldn't be where he is today were it not for people like Ian and Greg Davies taking a chance on him.

- After the tragic death of the comedian Gareth Richards last year, Ian tweeted that he and Ed had spoken and agreed to re-release the interview they did with him for the podcast. As far as I'm aware that's the most recent occurrence of them mentioning each other.

And yeah, that's pretty much all I think. And while I won't say any more on the matter, I will say that their podcast was a massive part of my childhood and they both provided me with so many hours of laughter. So wherever they are with each other now (and I hope that they are broadly fine), their time as a double act was fantastic and meant a lot to a lot of weirdos. And nothing can change that :)

[merrrrrrrrry]

I've just been crying so much since yesterday so I decided to put this into words. I don't know if anyone ever even notices my blog. Uni happened and life has gotten very busy. When I first got onto tumblr, just before lockdown, it was because I was struggling a lot. I was going through something very tough at the time that I've not spoken about and I was depressed and this was the safe space I had away from real life.

When 1d was active I wasn't a big fan, I just listened to their music casually so I didn't know much about them. When I got hear, it was because I had found H's solo music and loved it and then gradually discovered louis' after that and eventually through my mutuals here I rediscovered one direction and all of these incredibly talented guys.

I'll be very honest, I have listened to Liam the least outside of 1d. Some of his songs are very pretty but most aren't to my taste. So what I knew about Liam and the image that was formed of him back when I was new here during lockdown was that he was the guy who did volunteer work and donations. all of his stuff for trussel, and food banks and charity concerts and nhs stuff. That's all I knew about him, he's the one of 1d who provides the most visibility to these causes. Of course I learned much more about him along the way.

But that was the very first thing. To hear that even hours before he passed away, he was on gofundme just makes the most sense because that is my enduring image of the man. I don't understand my own grief. I can't comprehend this tightening of my chest and my head hurts and I don't even know how writing any of this even helps. My partner was the one to tell me he passed away (yep i have a boyfriend now <3) and I immediately thought to myself, I should stay away from tumblr, it would devastate me and I have exams going on. But I couldnt stay away and coming on here and seeing all the stuff you guys have shared has helped a little with these confusing emotions. Thank you guys for inadvertently being a safe space again. I love you all.

and Liam, i love you, i didn't know just how much. I hope you are at so much peace now, I don't really believe in the afterlife but I know you would continue to be a comfort and a guardian angel in death as you were in life to so many. rest in peace and harmony kind soul

[workingtowardsthatphd]

how i use AI in my research and essays

Creating a plan: Sometimes, I get an essay question and I just have no idea where to start with it, so I'll put it into chatgpt and ask it to generate a plan for an essay. The plan it then gives me provides me with some starter topics for research and some key words that I can use to search databases such as JSTOR. It's important to remember here that the plan it gives you may not be accurate and will be only based on what already exists on the internet, so research is required, especially to get further research or add something new to the topic. This plan also tends to be very simplistic, requiring a lot of development to get it up to a good standard.

Clarity and breaking down sentences: I love a run on sentence. It is the one thing that people point out to me when reading my work, and I often struggle to realise when I'm using them. Chatgpt comes in handy here, I can put in one paragraph and ask it to identify any run on sentences that are present. Once those are identified, I can go back and shorten them - sometimes I struggle to do this, and chatgpt can be helpful here as well to suggest how to break it down. Obviously don't just take the shorter sentences it gives you at face value, sometimes the way it rewords the sentence changes the meaning.

Suggestions for feedback: The best place to get feedback is from the people who will be marking your work. However during deadline season especially, it can be hard to get in contact with those people, and it tends to take a while for them to get back to you. Instead, when I think I can't work out any more improvements myself, I'll put a section of the draft into chatgpt and ask for feedback. Normally I ask specifically for what I need to do to bring my grade up to a first. Generally it will provide a list of things such as further analysis, grammar, strengthening the thesis statement, etc. I find this really useful when I've been reading the same thing over and over again to have some actual points to look for.

Breaking things down into smaller tasks: I can get really overwhelmed sometimes, and having adhd does not help with that. A lot of the time, I am able to break things down into step-by-step myself, but when I'm not, I can put the list of tasks into chatgpt. It will then break these down for me into smaller tasks and I can work through that list one at a time.

I don't use AI to write my essays, I did try once just out of curiosity and it was honestly one of the worst essays I have ever read. AI does not have the ability to analyse sources in the same way a person does, and it does not have access to all the research materials that you do.

Hope this was helpful! Feel free to add on how you use AI at uni.

[ben-learns-smth]

first months as a (substitute/supportive) teacher - some thoughts (an incomplete list)

autumn holidays start on friday, so I thought I'd write down some thoughts on my experience of the last 2-ish months. I definitely have some growing and learning to do, it shows that I'm only half-trained for this

surprisingly I enjoy working with the smallest (grade 1/2) the most. it's partially that (unless they need me for substitute lessons) I spend the most time in that class and have gotten to know the pupils quite well. I know the routines of the class and I got into a great rhythm with the main teacher

the pupils are opening up a lot more about their interests and their lives, striking up conversations with me when they see me in the yard during break. I'm glad that I don't seem like a stranger to them anymore!

substitute lessons without tasks prepared by the teacher are more draining than I expected them to be. I also lack skills for coming up with substitute lessons for my subjects (let alone other subjects) bc I have very little experience of what they're already supposed to know/be able to do. especially in english lessons it's hard to find an appropriate level

being the only visibly and out trans nonbinary teacher is exhausting. I'm looking forward to the day when I've given substitute lessons in every class so I can stop explaining myself. I don't mind explaining queer topics to children and it's important to have those conversations but I'm the only one having them bc I have to, bc my genderqueer appearance raises questions and if it doesn't introducing myself as mr./mx. does.

related to that I'm excited to work with another colleague on a diversity concept for the school that focuses on queerness. our main objective will be to raise awareness in teachers and students

I still struggle to find an appropriate mix between being strict and being fun. with some classes it works well, with others I need to be stricter than I'd like to be, with others I need to ease off a bit.

schools are incredibly gendered spaces and while I obviously knew that it still caught me off guard (and tbh I think it's having an influence on my habits which I Don't Like At All). everything is very clearly divided into boys and girls. I'm generally good with gender neutral language, but compared to my first weeks I jump to use gendered terms much quicker now (example: saying "the girl in the red jumper" instead of a neutral version when I don't know their names yet), including when I talk about myself which feels weird

good quality sleep is so important. being a teacher is super demanding, especially in some more chaotic classes and showing up with only a few hours of sleep is Not It

being able to remember names really well really fast is a super power and I'm grateful I can do that every time I meet a new class for a substitute lesson. the kids are impressed (teachers too), but most importantly it creates a different atmosphere in the classroom. (it's also easier to remind them of class rules when they need it)

so far, the past months have confirmed what I've been thinking for a while: teaching is something I could do, but I'm less sure if it's what I want to do in the long run. so even though I wasn't able to start deaf studies this winter I'm sticking to my plan: try out deaf studies for a year (starting next autumn) and work on the side, then decide if a) I keep going like that to do the full deaf studies b.a. b) I pause deaf studies to do my teacher training and then evaluate again or c) I do my teacher training and pick up uni classes for fun after

[natreads]

Ramblings about uni and the future

I'm trying to make a difficult decision. Since I've spent the last five years trying to break into the publishing industry and mostly failing (I'm freelance but can't get a full time job), I've been thinking very seriously about going back to uni to become a librarian instead. It's not really a career I've ever thought of, or wanted, but the same can be said for publishing. I decided I wanted to go that route when I already had a my bachelors degree. It felt like the "right" path, but I wasn't aware of how difficult it would be. The industry is so closed off, and I'm not very good at putting myself out there, so I've been struggling a lot. Not to mention people keep getting fired left and right so even if I do get in who knows how long that will last. I guess part of deciding to study something else, despite already having a masters degree and over six years of uni studies behind me, is that I feel like I need to essentially give up this dream, which would make the past five years feel like a waste even though I don't necessarily think they are. But I will have to give up the identity I have built around the industry. But I also feel like going another route won't mean I can't one day make it there too. But I also don't want to get another degree just to still be focusing on an industry that's this unattainable. I will have to focus on making it as a librarian instead and the idea of having to properly give up publishing makes me so sad, but I also know it will bring me relief once I actually do it. I need to study something where I will actually find work.

Another issue is that I really really REALLY don't want to study for another three years lmao. I talked to some people and there's a possibility that I COULD skip one semester due to previous studies, but I feel like it will be complicated and also not necessarily set in stone to manipulate the degree like that. I also got the tip to go take a masters instead which is two years, but here are the pros and cons to all of this:

Three year undergrad:

The school I did my BA at, so it's familiar

Since it's undergrad I'm not worried I will fail

Close to home (even if I move)

Unfortunately it's three years

It feels "silly" to get another BA when I could get an MA immediately instead

Two year masters program:

It's only two years

It will probably be hard

Could be done online, but I don't know if I have it in me to sit at home for two years again

It's in another city, but only takes an hour by train to get there

Unfortunately the train (pendeln) SUCKS and is super unreliable

And I would have to pay a bunch each time

But I like the idea of experiencing something new, since I both like the city (it's a college town) and don't think one hour is that bad

Another problem is that we'll be doing lots of group work so I might have to be there a lot which will be annoying

If I knew just HOW often I'd have to go I feel like it would be easier

I'm gonna be moving soonish to an apartment in the city here in Stockholm so I don't wanna move to Uppsala and do student housing, but my lease will only be one year so maybe I COULD during second year. I've never expeirenced student life like that before

Do I really wanna write another fucking masters thesis omg

I like the sound of two master degrees tho lmao

One semester will be dedicated to writing my thesis so I will mostly only have to commute for 1.5 years I guess, which makes the student housing in year two maybe unnessecary? But my lease will be up anyway soooo. In an ideal world I would be doing student housing my first year and then move into the other apartment after, but I can't do that and I don't wanna give up on a great opportunity

We'll be visiting libraries and whatnot and if it's in Uppsala (I kinda assume it is) I will have to figure out the public transit looool

Essentially, I think the undergrad one is safe but longer, while the MA is shorter but scarier. If I do the MA online I will be more comfortable, but also probably lowkey go crazy. Maybe if I knew if and how much I would be working at the bookstore after the summer I would pick the online version, since work would get me out of the house, but none of us know how needed I will be.

I know I need to change lanes, since I'm getting older and I need stability. Working in a library is the next best thing I can see myself doing after publishing (I kinda wanted to do marketing but I've realized it unfortunately goes against a lot of my morals and libraries are ethically the one and only place I stand 100% behind).

Idk if anyone has any insight or advice please lmk I'm so torn

[qqueenofhades]

hello, it's youngin anon once again. i need advice and i have no one to ask, so i figured i could ask you. it's a lot and long, so if you don't want to answer, feel free to ignore.

idk how familiar you are with immigrant child guilt, but it weighs on me immensely. my parents work very hard and i can see the way they struggle. i remember when i was young we didn't even have a bed! me and my siblings slept on cushions. i've seen the insane hours my dad has worked so as to afford me and my siblings a better and more comfortable life. both of my parents have put in a lot of work to give us good opportunities, starting with their immigration to the US.

in nigerian culture, education is extremely important, so as i grew up, my parents have always told me to focus on my education, telling me not to work and it did pay off bc i did end up as valedictorian. college, however is presenting a new set of problems.

my dad, who i am financially dependent on (and who is paying the tuition for the state uni where i'm enrolled) has made it abundantly clear that he thinks med school is the only valid career path. i told him that my roommate was studying comms and he said that she could become a lawyer or something, before looking me dead in the eyes and that wasn't an option for me. with him, it's med school or bust.

as long as i could remember, my parents have been telling me i was going to become a doctor. every time i asked my dad to get me something, he say, i'll do it and in the future, you'll become a doctor, right? and i would agree and that was that. i've answered to all the adults who asked me that i was was going to med school and they would all give me smiles of approval. if i mentioned any other career growing up i'd be ruthlessly shot down or gently persuaded about how much more security there was in medicine.

i was aware in high school that i didn't really want to be a doctor so i sort of set myself up, enrolling under my college's science school so as to cut off my own retreat path. i figured that if i was able to bear it during high school, i could bear it during college. but i can see my own behavior and i know that i don't really like STEM. not that it's a bad field! i just don't have any interest in it. i read the textbooks to learn enough to pass the test and that's it. i don't interact with my classmates or the professors or the material beyond what's needed to get an A. this is in sharp contrast to my history classes which i have been enthralled with. I took a world history class in the first semester enjoyed it immensely. last semester i took a war and violence in africa class and LOVED it. it made me want to become an African historian/Africanist. i talk to my professors, enjoy the readings, the assignments, all the new info i'm getting on the continent where my family originates. i go to my history classes and i want to be there. i want to learn.

i don't know if i could survive academia as a profession because i've seen you posting about the struggles from working in academia and there was a large strike at my school last semester because professors weren't earning enough. if it were a perfect world or if i had lots of money i would love to get my Ph.D focusing on West African history and be a history professor, but it's not, so. i've been thinking about law school as a happy compromise. i could go to law school with a undergrad history degree and if i went to law school i could also pursue JD/MA in History. i'm trying out some law classes next semester to see how i like them.

i'm now scared that if i were to transfer to a different school in my college my scholarship might be reduced. i'm also afraid that i would lose my parents' financial support if i chose to pursue a different career path and i have no actual work experience.

and i understand my parents' very valid concerns! both of them grew up poor in Nigeria and it was their STEM educations that afforded them better lives. they don't want me to experience that level of crushing poverty that heavily defined their youth. my mom tells me about her younger brother in Nigeria who struggles to get work with his masters. my dad tells me about co-workers' children who can't get jobs in their field of profession and have to work whatever jobs come their way. from what i've seen on the news, the future job market looks bad for the young people (around the world!). millennials are having problems and my generation isn't set to do much better.

is it fair to my parents to just disregard that and pursue work in the humanities? i want to do what i want, to just live my life, but it feels like it's not just my life. it would feel so selfish to just risk that all. whenever i talk to my parents about their journey in the US i feel like i should just suck it all up and go to med school. if my parents could suffer all of that, who i am to complain? do my struggles compare?

i feel like my sense of pragmatism and idealism are warring against each other. I don't like STEM, I'm good at it, good enough to get good grades in the classes, but it's not something i enjoy doing, but there's more job security. i love history and the humanities as a whole, but i might struggle with employment.

i'm semi-familiar with the path i would need to take to become a doctor. i would have to make it into med school (high GPA, experience in science research/labs, shadowing healthcare professionals, good recommendations, etc.), survive med school, survive residency (during which residents are worked like dogs), complete fellowships, and then i would be able to practice independently. and that would probably occupy the majority of my time. people have told me that med school is hard even for people that like medicine. for me who is just tolerating it, can i do it? and what about any future patients? is it fair to them?

my mom has always said that i could just get my second degree in whatever i wanted after i became a doctor, but i don't know if i would have the mental strength/energy/free time to go back to school after med school. i feel like if i grit my teeth and bared it for all my twenties i would lose the drive to do it my thirties. it feels like i've been putting off my living my life for my entire life. in middle school i thought about high school, in high school about college, and in college about post-graduate life. i'm tired of this constant look towards the future, but it's the only thing i know how to do. my brain is constantly asking "okay, and then what?"

if i go to med school and realize that i really can't do it, then i'll be trapped. it'll be too much debt to walk away from, too many years of my life dedicated towards that end goal of becoming a doctor. i feel like if i'm going to change my future plans, i should do it before sooner rather than later. 19 isn't too late to walk back but 26 might be.

but it's not like pursuing a career closer to what i want would be easier.

there's always this big fear in the background of, what if i fail? what if i risk it all to go to law school and i don't make it in? or i end up in a low-paying law job saddled with hundreds of thousands in student debt? or even if i make it to biglaw, i still end up burned out from all the hours that they work? wouldn't i still be miserable? i'm not super familiar with how law school works but i've done some lurking around @artielu's blog and law seems like something i should also go into in only if i'm sure.

(i'm not. i'm not sure of anything really.)

it feels like no matter what i'm going to be unhappy in the future. maybe everyone feels this way, maybe a certain level of unhappiness is normal in adult life. it just makes me feel so frustrated because i'm struggling so hard for what? idk. i'm also so desperately scared. i'm scared that one day i'll wake up in the my forties/fifties and realize that i hate my life. maybe i'll look back on this and lament how spoiled/whiny i was. idk. idk.

i'm not looking for an answer to this dilemma, i know this is a decision i'll have to make for myself, but i would appreciate any advice or even words of encouragement. thank you.

Welp. Okay, first of all, I am giving you a big virtual hug and sitting you down at your coffeeshop of choice. So imagine us talking there.

Second, thanks for pouring out your heart to me about this and your various other comments and chats over the years. I only know you as one of my favorite (shh) Tumblr anons on the internet, but I have always seen how thoughtful, smart, and hard-working you are, and I don't take it lightly that you trust me to listen to you and to give you good advice. (Or uh, let's hope, at least not bad advice? Jury's out.) Likewise, I'm absolutely sure that immigrant-child guilt is something to which a lot of my followers can very much relate, and would be happy to talk with you about. So if you are one of said followers and you'd like to encourage anon to reach out to you, please drop a note in the replies! I can't speak to this from personal experience, but I'd love to help connect you to others in your situation. Because yes, it IS absolutely a universal struggle for first- or second-gen immigrant kids: balancing cultural expectations of parents, American opportunities, feeling guilty if you do what you want, etc etc.

Third, and this is just me talking: if you absolutely feel this way, then no, I don't think you should go to medical school. I realize that this is far easier said than done, but if you continue to feel this strongly about it, then... you shouldn't be expected to do it, and that's just something that everyone in your family will have to come to terms with. After all, your parents came to America so you could be raised as an American, and there would be multiple pathways to success -- not whatever just they themselves had to do in order to get here in the first place. I'm afraid that you'll eventually have to bite the bullet and have an honest talk with your parents about this, but it may help if you present this as both your own success and THEIR success. After all, you're smart, talented, you have so many options, and you'll clearly succeed at whatever you choose to do. And that means THEY did their job right: they worked hard, they raised you right, they brought you to a place where there ISN'T just one narrow pathway to having a fulfilling and prestigious career. It doesn't mean they "failed" to make you a doctor. It means they succeeded in making YOU, and opening up so many more things for you to do.

Obviously: that's going to be hard either way, your parents are probably going to be upset, and that's very tough to deal with, especially if you're a close family unit and if you're financially dependent on them. You're the only one who can choose when to have the conversation and what might come of it, but it's still something that you do have the right to do. If you want to research other aid options or scholarship packages, or reach out to financial aid/admissions officers at other schools to see what it might take to transfer (that is, if you need to transfer), that's your right to do. You're an adult now and you have the right to take legal and personal responsibility for your own life. If you know what you want to do and how you want to do it: then again, isn't that why your parents came here? Isn't that what they were working to achieve?

Yes, academia is hard. No, there's no guarantee of getting a job. But there isn't the guarantee of getting a job in medicine either, especially if it's something you're forcing yourself to do and which (as you note) would impact negatively on you, your colleagues, and the patients you would be expected to serve. Especially post-Covid and in the American healthcare system: being a doctor/nurse/healthcare professional SUCKS! Even if you like it and feel called to do it, it still sucks, and the only people earning a lot of money from it are the senior/career/specialist types (as is the case in every field). Of course your parents have expectations and dreams for you, but they also don't get the right to control/dictate your entire adult life just by virtue of deciding to bring you into the world. After all, they did that, and that means embracing you as a person with your own choices. (And this goes for all people with controlling/bossy parents, regardless of immigrant or non-immigrant background). So again: this is what they wanted for you, and you've paid that off already.

I absolutely feel the "I spend all my time thinking/worrying about the future and being scared that I'll end up wasting my life" thing, which I think is common to a lot of high-achieving smart people (we are terminal overthinkers to a one). I can tell you now that life has a way of surprising you, and when you get a little older, you start becoming more comfortable with yourself, your accomplishments, your talents, and knowing what you're good at. So I don't think you will find that you've wasted anything. Likewise, when it comes to studying for advanced degrees in history: do you think it might help with your parents if you agreed to pursue a name-brand school? It's still not guaranteed, but trust me, going to a place like Harvard or Yale makes it tremendously easier to get a job or a future opportunity just by virtue of having that name on your CV and the people you will meet, and I have no doubt that you would be able to get in. As well, I don't really think your parents could argue with you going to an Ivy League, or think that you weren't applying yourself.

Likewise, if there is anything I can do to support you in this, please feel free to message me privately/off anon. I will write a letter of recommendation for you, I will see if I know a person who knows a person, I will help look at application materials, so forth and etc. I mean it: I WILL help you in the real world if I possibly can. I'm sure you have tons of other enthusiastic recommenders, but still. Also, I will say that despite the current (terrible) academic job market, I have seen quite a few openings for professors of African history/African studies/African-American literature and culture, and that's just in the US. There are also lots of opportunities around the world.

Anyway: I hope that's helpful to start with. I am giving you all the hugs. Please reach out to me again (especially via private message) if I can help with this in more tangible ways. And likewise, if any of my followers would like anon to reach out to them: please make a note in the replies. We can do this together.

<3

[entropicbias]

i. WHAT. i would ask you to elaborate but i simply have no words so i wont. anyway could you please Talk At Length about ghostbusters the video game. i think that i and the x other people who follow you would enjoy it

ok, so something that you can't really tell (because i am a homestuck artist) is that i am a really big ghostbusters superfan. i had tried to emulate the gbvg stylized version once, but my old laptop was 10 years old and on the verge of exploding. so, it was running the game at a STUNNING 14fps, lol. impossible to play (on top of something else i'll touch on in a sec). then i got myself a new laptop, and ran the stylized version again because i couldn't find the regular one. i prefer the regular version over it, but it was the only one i could find that worked with my emulator! i had seen gameplay of it before (fun fact, entropicbias is a concept derived from this game! username lore), so i wasn't gonna complain. until i realized... that it is impossible to play without a controller. this version was made for the wii, and there are no versions of the stylized gbvg for pc out there right now that aren't 4 billion dollars. so i thought, ok, what if i try extra hard and find the original. after a long time of searching, i found the ps3 version of the regular game. tried that out despite the struggles from the last game; no luck. made it past the tutorial bit down with ray in the hq out of sheer chance, then i hit a stump in the sedgewick hotel. i think i found listings for the game on other websites, buuuuut...

fortunately for me, in 2019 they remastered the game (without touching the original gameplay, BOY!)

and you can currently buy it on steam. i've been pondering getting it, but it's roughly 30NZD (19-20USD), which i need to spend on other things. i might get around to buying it during my semester break, but right now i need the money for uni stuff. this is an amazing game, though. watching gameplay isn't as rewarding as actually playing it. it's especially nostalgic and emotional for ghostbusters fans because this game was the last time harold ramis portrayed egon before his passing.

in 2022 they made another game (ghostbusters: spirits unleashed) which kind of fills the void in a lot of peoples hearts with the lack of multiplayer with the remastered gbvg. it's a 4v1 where one player is the ghost and, surprise surprise, you're trying to catch him. i've heard that it's really difficult to win as the ghostbusters, but the levels in the game look AMAZING. especially the museum! i know you're going 'durhh what a snooze-fest', but LOOK

perfection. anyways, thank you for letting me ramble about that! for context, i responded to what my friend said with "THIS GUY ASKS ME FOR POOP PICS" and he got mad cause he thought people were gonna take me seriously and think he's into scat. so i added a #joking to it and he got even more embarrassed. so i changed it to that. what a waffler.

[atlantablack]

Okay, I've had this wild ass Stranger Things/Marvel crossover in my brain for ages (early 2023) & I'm never going to actually like write it write it but let me try to make it somewhat comprehensible so someone other than me can hopefully lose their minds over it

so, basically, season 4 stranger things canon compliant - Eddie "dies" - season 5 they somehow defeat Vecna blah blah you know there's some added trauma everything is wrapped up in a neat bow life moves on all of that (and no one else dies cause fuck you)

So - Nancy goes off to Emerson & Robin goes to Berkley (or wherever you want her to go) and Jonathan goes to community college & keeps focusing on his photography & Steve waits until the kids graduate high school and then just goes and roadtrips his way through America his parents never cut him off despite their disappointment and so he decides he's going to make use of it until they do (spoiler: they never do)

For the last two years of Uni Nancy falls out of touch with everyone else and by that I mean she stops picking up her phone, stops coming back to Hawkins for the holidays, doesn't come back during the summer, and the only reason they know she's okay is because Ms. Wheeler swears she's still in contact with Nancy. Steve fully expects her to completely disappear after she graduates but she randomly shows back up in Hawkins after she graduates and reconnects with everyone.

I know technically Robin would be a year behind Nancy but I think due to upside down bullshit they end up starting college at the same time, so they graduate at the same time as well.

Robin, Steve, and Nancy move to New York City and share an apartment because rent expensive. Jonathan and Argyle move to San Francisco together. The kids are scattered for college and Erica is probably still finishing up high school. (pairings and romance are irrelevant in this universe)

Robin gets a job at a museum doing something linguistic related (idk what kind of jobs there are okay just roll with it), Nancy is desperately trying to break into journalism but she is the way she is and never wants to write what they want her to write so she's struggling there, and Steve breaks up one too many fights outside of various gay bars because he's never met a fight he'll fucking back down from and ends up getting hired on as a bouncer at some bar in Brooklyn (because I think I'm funny).

Nancy is her general self and at some point over the course of the 90's, she keeps sticking her nose in places she really shouldn't be sticking her nose, because she literally cannot leave well enough alone and we already know she has a grudge the size of Texas against the government and she, because out of all of them of course it's her, catches the eye of SHIELD.

so Nancy Wheeler gets hired on at Shield as an operative and unfortunately (for SHIELD) when Fury looks at her goes "this is classified sign these NDA's" what Nancy hears is "this is classified from everyone except for Robin and Steve and jonathan and joyce and mike and el and etc" because that group has never heard of a secret big enough to keep from each other, not after everything they went through

it takes Fury two years to realize that "oh yeah, this is my roommate Robin Buckley and her best friend, my ex, our other roommate, Steve Harrington" because he "ran into them" on the street (aka he had a weird feeling about the latest recruit and was sussing them out) actually just know classified shield secrets and he's so mad it took him that long to realize it and long story short they also get recruited because "recruitment is the nice option here, Agent Wheeler"

Fury still doesn't honestly realize how many people in their extended family/friend group know about the most random shit and god fucking bless the day he realizes El exists

Now Nancy and Steve are both field agents. Nancy does a lot of investigative and research stuff. Robin probably doesn't do field work because well you know but I'm sure there's something linguistic you could do in SHIELD for spy stuff. Idk. This kind of stuff is exactly why i'm not actually writing this fic.

Robin and Steve mostly keep to themselves but Nancy does branch out some, more in the name of having connections than because she cares about making friends, but still. Steve and Robin are still only 50% sure if Nancy is like really invested in her job or like lowkey trying to figure out if there's anything to expose, either way they know Nancy doesn't actually trust shield

In 2001 Natasha joins SHIELD. Which of course means that presumably Clint and Coulson were already there. I do not know when Clint joined SHIELD and I refuse to put in the effort to figure it out good god.

Nancy, Robin, and Steve do not, for the most part, interact with Nat, Clint, or Coulson. They obviously know of each other but contact is limited. Also something something about Steve and Robin being exceptionally wary of Natasha and going out of their way to conspicuously avoid her because Robin speaks Russian -> Natasha speaks Russian -> season 3 trauma -> reformed red room Russian assassin

Nancy, meanwhile, has absolutely without a doubt been trying to figure out if SHIELD had at any point had a hand in the whole upside down mess and if we really think about it doesn't that just sound like something Hydra would have been involved in. I mean. Come on.

Anyway, in May of 2004 Nancy Wheeler goes out on a seemingly normal field mission and never comes back. She's reported missing in action, presumed dead. The rest of her team also goes missing with the exception of one body that's found.

Now, let's go back a ways and consider Eddie. Consider Hydra. Consider all of our lovely Eddie survived theories. Consider the winter soldier and cryofreeze and how Hydra has never passed up an opportunity to create/gain a new weapon. Consider how I'm sure an undead creature of whatever kind likely goes on ice pretty damn easy.

Back to Nancy Wheeler who is a little too good at investigating, because in a fight of stubbornness she is absolutely going to be the winner, and there are a lot of secrets hiding at SHIELD. And she's managed to get a handful of secrets under her belt and is getting close enough to some others that Hydra decides preventative measures are needed before she has a chance to get closer.

Nancy's mission handler is the one who is found dead after the mission where she goes missing. Gunshot clean through the throat and Nancy is presumed dead because they also find a good amount of her blood smeared around. SHIELD thinks she's dead but Hydra knows that she got away. So Nancy Wheeler is officially on the run.

Nancy's got just enough secrets to fuck Hydra's plans up if Shield proper finds out about them, even if she's not 100% aware of the full scope of it and so she gets away and they send the winter soldier after her. But Nancy ran straight to El's and El took her to Kali (because we're bringing her back goddammit).

coincidentally, in June of 2004, Jane Hopper drops off of the map without a word to anyone and the rest of the party ends up congregated in the basement of the bar Steve used to work for. Two Party Members Missing, one of which is presumed dead by all official authorities, and Steve and Robin know just enough about what Nancy was looking into that they're not super confident that whoever won't be after them next.

by the time 2008 rolls around and Tony becomes iron man all the party can say for sure is that Nancy and El are alive and together.

Steve and Robin still work at Shield but they got louder after Nancy left, they made sure their names were really well known by everyone and that making them disappear quietly wasn't really an option

tony becomes iron man, which really impact very little about this other than Steve and Robin have this moment of "huh.....flying robot suits, neat, Dustin's gonna love that"

Dustin is in fact elated about this

blah blah life continues on, the party is trying but for the life of them none of them really know what exactly was the last straw that had someone, presumably in shield, try to have nancy taken out and Nancy and El still haven't resurfaced so presumably that person is still after them

So, what was the final straw? Why did Hydra decide she had to go? Well. She finds the name Eddie Munson in a report full of redacted paragraphs and that name wouldn't ring a bell with 99% of shield but Nancy immediately narrows in on it because why the fuck does any report in shield have any business having eddie's name in it and this is where she made a mistake because Nancy doesn't keep secrets from the party but she also had been living with Steve and Robin for a decade+ and she'd watched Steve go a little too quiet every time Dustin brought Eddie up for years and she knows Robin can't keep a secret from steve to save her life and she felt that it was cruel to get their hopes up based on nothing but a blacked out piece of paper and no other clues

so she never says anything, just keeps digging and its not necessarily that she understands the information she has or has any idea of the big picture, i think she just has a fistful of clues that she doesn't realize connect, or she can't tell how they connect but all it would take is one or two more pieces and she'd have enough of a picture for it to be a Major Problem and hydra decides to nip it in the bud early instead of waiting for her to put the picture together

now from 2003-2012 while the party are desperately trying to figure stuff out without setting off alarm bells and getting themselves murdered by the government Nancy goes to El because she knows El can protect herself the best if anyone manages to follow her and then she goes to Kali because that's where El sends her - El goes with her because it's easiest for her to find Kali and she isn't sure Nancy will manage on her own but she never intends to stay - unfortunately, before El can leave them, The Winter Soldier shows up

Fortunately for the girls: he's alone because Hydra has too much faith in their soldier and underestimate the fuck out of Nancy Wheeler

Unfortunately for Hydra: It's pretty hard for the Winter Soldier to fight when he can only see what Kali is allowing him to see

Anyway, the winter soldier is subdued with minimal injuries all around but ofc when he doesn't report back the rest of the Hydra team come looking for him and El ends up being seen so she's also on the run now. But the girls take Bucky with him and somehow they end up breaking through to him. No, I don't know how. Just go with it. We have two super-powered girls and Nancy Wheeler. I'm sure they managed it. I'm sure there's a lot of fighting and yelling and screaming and backsliding but the important thing is they do get through to him. Enough that he's now on the run with them willingly.

so then it's the four of them on the run trying to figure out how to bring Hydra down and not doing a super hot job of it because hydra won't get off their tails long enough for them to properly plan. the only reason they manage to get a note to any of the party at all is because Bucky manages to slip inside the hospital Erica works at and slip a note in her desk. the hospital is big enough to provide a cover for who they were trying to contact and hydra assumes they were going after medical supplies. which they were but that was a secondary mission.

And then it's 2012 and the battle of new york commences in grand fashion. Steve and Robin are on the ground in New York City when the wormhole opens in the sky because it was supposed to be their day off and so they're not ya know part of the avengers but well they're certainly not civilians and to their great disgust they end up fighting aliens too

also side note: backtracking to when Loki originally shows up in the avengers movie, Fury happens to overhear Robin and Steve offhandedly talking about loki and theorizing over how far his powers extend (they spend too much time around the kids) and he does that dramatic thing he does where he steps out of the shadows and goes "That is an alien calling himself a God. Neither of you seem surprised by either of these facts." and Robin and Steve just kind of look at each other and shrug

Steve: I'm more surprised by how well he matched the dress code for that event than the fact that he thinks he's a god

Robin: they always think they're a god don't they?

Fury:

Steve brightly: At least he looks human! It would suck if he looked like a walking muscle suit or something equally gross!

Robin: Yeah! No tentacles! Human shaped! Normal looking skin! At least it's easy to tell where to shoot!

Fury has had a weird feeling about these two since the day he's met them and the weird feeling just keeps getting weirder but fuck if he knows why and he doesn't really have time at the moment to worry about it.

so the battle is happening and steve and robin are on the ground fighting and out of the corner of his eye at one point Steve sees a flash of dark hair coming towards him and turns around so fast he slips on alien blood and eats shit, now, inconveniently for Hydra, they were planning on taking advantage of the general chaos to conveniently dispose of their other two problems (steve and robin) and well they're down one soldier but eddie's never given them any problems before, they point at where to kill and he goes, they're pretty sure he's just a mindless creature honestly

the point though is that Steve sees Eddie and Eddie sees Steve and then vanishes, goes completely rogue. Because see the thing is, Eddie only goes where he's pointed when taken out of cryo because he's too hungry to think. But, the problem with being feral and not quite human is that animals you know think in terms of packs and family and Eddie's brain stubbornly managed to carry that over when he got turned. So, in his brain the party is just "pack, family, safe". But he's also been in out of cryo for like 26 years or so and so it's not like he's doing well. And seeing Steve basically just sends him on the fucking fritz.

One day far far far into the future Bucky and Eddie will get a fucking hoot out of teasing the two Steve's about how similar they are. And also I just think the cinematic parallels are funny.

And yeah. I didn't have a lot of ideas of where the fuck to go over that because I kind of destroyed the MCU framework. CAtWS is kind of fucked because like one of the main characters of the central plot is no longer present. Is project insight still happening? idk. how is it fixed if it is? Idk.

One thing to note that I think is fun, is just take a moment to let it sink in that Nancy "cuts the barrel off of a rifle" Wheeler is on the run with the winter soldier. and their other two companions are both super-powered girls with questionable morals. I'm pretty sure El's main moral is "don't hurt my friends". and well look at that, a large portion of the government is trying to kill at minimum one of them. Also, the the El & Kali & Bucky being kept in a government facility against their will and experimented on trauma bonding.

I do imagine a lot of this would come to a a head in 2014 when the CAtWS movie would be taking place. It seems like the point it would all come to a head timeline wise. Because somehow I just know Steve Rogers is going to get wind of Bucky being alive. And where Bucky is Steve follows, which means Nat and Sam get pulled in I'm sure. And it probably all just spirals from there.

Other funny side thoughts I had about this:

Please imagine Mike Wheeler interacting with Tony Stark. It is the funniest possible thought to me. Tony would absolutely push his buttons and even if Mike does think he's kind of cool he's gonna double down on pretending otherwise out of pure principle.

Steve Harrington meets Steve Rogers and it turns out there is something worse than One Stubborn Righteous Little Shit and it's two of them who have teamed up

Nancy and Natasha hit it off really well eventually and yes, it's terrifying

Surprisingly Tony and Robin hit it off, because Robin likes to theorize impossible ideas for fun but Tony Stark has never heard of an impossible idea in his life and so it just ends in chaos

Dustin ends up working at Stark industries. This is only tangentially related to the rest of this. He ends up getting a job there after Uni and I'm sure it ends up playing a part in the plot later on down the line but at the time it's just Dustin being super smart.

And that's all I got for now folks.

[ecosyncrasy]

I've been watching a lot of longer form content today about studying in preparation for my university prep courses. I've attempted going for a degree many times over across a variety of different subjects and always ran out of steam halfway through the first year. I used to laugh off explaining this to people as me simply being a bad fit for academia and that I was content simply 'knowing a little about a lot'.

However, now in my thirties – making the choice to go back there was something in this video I was watching about study habits that made it click why this time is actually different. Why I feel so strongly that this time I have a chance.

I made so many excuses during my twenties about why I was simply okay with how things ended up because I had internalized that I was completely powerless to change things. I was disassociating so hard the fact that I found myself in a long term abusive relationship where I was isolated from all my family and irl friends. (and the ones I had online had NO idea what I was going through offline because subconsciously I was so embarrassed to even talk about it or admit I was struggling with anything). I had nothing but a job that I was killing myself to excel at because “lol gifted kid burnout is just like that”. There wasn't any possibility of me being on the spectrum or having ADHD because my parents said those are simply not real or excuses. After all, I was making honours lists and was getting 90s up until the family unit started to fall apart (Grade 11).

Yet even in the final months of high school – I had no idea what I wanted to do. I only knew that my parents expected me to go to university. In fact my whole life up to that moment the entire family was gearing up to brag about all the degrees I was just BOUND to get – while being entirely divorced from my academic life. (My father and extended family only cared about achievements. My mother was stressed from being in a shitty marriage and assumed I didn't need any help because my younger brother was struggling so much with even the academic basics.) That by the time I needed to apply I just picked my top subject (English Literature), and picked schools based on where my high school friends were going. Especially since my parents officially separated (messily) the summer before (Hi shitty summer of 2009) I was due to go to uni, in retrospect I was already in a tailspin. I was just clinging onto anything remotely familiar.

I wish so badly that I had someone then to shake me and tell me not to rush off into university on whims that were not my own.

Predictably. I spent the most of that year in a depressive state. I barely attended classes. Spent most of my time in bed. I crashed and burned horrifically, and ended up having my final conversation with my father around this time who's only support was calling me an 'idiot' when I told him I was depressed and considering dropping out.

My subsequent attempts at different things in an online university setting from 20-25 ... were not much better. I ran away from my family situation after the loss of my grandmother who had pretty much raised me when my parents were both consumed with work. Into the arms of a much older guy who definitely never deserved my time. Then all my attempts at school were in hindsight more running away but I was flailing. Picking anything that sounded interesting. Trying to discover who I was in an environment that was not suited to discover ANYTHING. Devouring and excelling in the first half of the classes but not having the confidence to even attempt any sort of exams or meaningful evaluation. Because god – having any sort of needs or support isn't how I get people to love me. If I couldn't do it 100000% by myself – it wasn't worth doing.

And in the end I wasn't chasing a passion. I didn't really see myself in any of those positions. I wasn't allowing myself to go after anything I really wanted because – that doesn't pay the bills. How could I let myself go into debt if I didn't stand a chance of making it back right out of school. I was still basing every choice I was making based on what others wanted out of me (prestige, money, etc).

I didn't, as this video so aptly put – I didn't have the end goal in mind. I was only thinking of the next day – maybe the next month.

I'm in a much better place now. A better relationship that has allowed me space and room to grow. To challenge my old ways of thinking. I'm in a place and have a good relationship with my mother that I am starting (still struggling) to work on being myself. Getting in touch with the things I love. I stumbled into a job (working at a commercial pet store of all things) that rekindled a passion from childhood that's given me a drive I haven't had before.

All these things, coupled with the fact that I've been watching my life pass by in the most unfulfilling way has unlocked memories of begging to go on walks down forest trails. Crying over and hugging trees as a kindergartner that were marked to be cut down to make room for parking. Mourning the loss of a property out in the wilderness for one closer to the city. Leading a gaggle of first graders to make pseudo-science observations of local birds during recess. Devouring hours and hours of nature documentaries wanting to be the ones doing that for a job (but thought I wasn't smart enough or that it was somehow beyond my reach). Craving nature based spirituality. A life long passion for animal welfare, rescue and rights that I buried in a professional sense after I found out that veterinary medicine would have killed me.

Something has clicked this time and it has filled me with such a thirst for success that hasn't existed for me before.

For me the answer is now clear. It's always been Biology. Ecology. Conservation. Fighting for the rights of people and the planet. Every career quiz I've ever taken has told me I craved a calling that would serve a higher purpose. That could help people and be a force of change in the world. More and more as I look down the gun of what is going to be a great challenge, more things unlock in my mind telling me that I am suited for this. This is my purpose – and it feels right. It just took me three decades to understand and feel confident about that understanding.

Even now, I can't remember the last time I've sat down and reflected about any of this. It's the first time I've felt compelled to write about my experiences in a raw and unflinching way. I think that says something.

For the first time I crave the struggle to make my life better. And now pathways are opening up as I discover myself and I'm so excited for the future.

[flowercrowncrip]

whats the worst encounter of ableism you've had, online or irl?

whats the funniest encounter of ableism you've had, online or irl?

whats something you see thats overhyped in regards to disability or cripplepunk?

do you have an ideal mobility aid or ideal disability aid in general?

feel free to skip any/all :)

cw: suicide, ableism,

1-The worst encounter of ableism I've experienced was from a psychiatric nurse my GP referred me to during a mental health crisis. I told the nurse that I was having thoughts about ending my life and he told me that he felt sorry for me because my physical disability meant my life would never be worth living. Obviously "you're doomed to feel this way forever" isn't a safe thing to say to someone trying to get help during a mental health crisis. If he could have done more to help me end my life I think he would have, and this is one of the reasons I'm so afraid of the risks around assisted suicide for disabled people.

I feel the need to add that several years on from that appointment I'm so happy that I'm alive. I've had 15 months of therapy and I'm on meds that work for me, I have the right support and equipment to manage my conditions, an extremely fulfilling job, and an amazing support network. My disability is worse than it was back then but I feel so much more content with my life.

2- The funniest example of ableism is more a story of ableism in the sense that no one had thought properly about disabled access. Only the result was that me and some other students accidentally broke into a nightclub.

I was at uni making a video with a group of disabled students for disability history month. We were filming in the student media centre which was on the first floor of a shared building. On the ground floor and basement there was a nightclub. All of the organisations shared a lift.

So we go up the lift while the nightclub is selling tickets during the day, but in the time it took for us to finish filming, the nightclub had closed and locked up. We didn't know this, so just took the lift back down when we wanted to leave. Immediately as we stepped out the lift, the burglar alarm went off.

It was the loudest thing I have ever heard in my life. It was so loud that it was totally impossible to think. All we could do was try to get away as quickly as we could so we went to the doors, which were obviously locked.

So we went back up in the lift away from the noise to figure out what to do next. We called the campus security and tried to explain what was happening but they didn't seem to get it. Eventually they told us that they were heading over our way anyway (because of the alarm) and would check in on us when they came.

When they arrived they were knocking on the lift door convinced that we were stuck in there. When we said we were stuck in the building, not the lift they didn't get it.

They looked at us, a group of disabled people including someone with a cane, someone using crutches and me, very obviously a wheelchair user, and told us if we couldn't take the lift we could "just take the stairs".

I had to awkwardly point out that wheelchairs don't go do down stairs at which point they became very embarrassed (which I won't lie was quite funny)

In the end we had to wait an hour or so for the owner of the nightclub to drive up to campus with the keys and alarm codes and it was all fine.

3- I think that the value of independence is overhyped everywhere, including in disabled spaces. I've seen a lot of disabled people state that they're somehow better than other disabled people who they view as less independent than them. Relying on mobility aids, medications, carers, family members benefits and other supports don't make you less strong, less deserving or less anything.

I really struggled with my own feelings around this when I was a teenager. I found it so hard to ask for help because I thought it made me a "bad disabled person", and seeing that insecurity reflected back at me from other disabled people online only reenforced it.

4- My ideal mobility aid would be a fully waterproof electric wheelchair. I'd love the sensation of rain or hail in my face without being stressed about my chair. Or be able to go to the beach along one of those mat things and into the sea.

[fullscoreshenanigans]

Hey =) I would like to ask you something. I work on my fics and i would like to have your opinion of what kind of job Isabella, Mathilda and Sienne would/could have in the human world?

I think that a lot of sisters/mothers have enough qualifications to be nursery nurse (especially Isabella and the others mothers of the differents premium farms, who have raised like 100 kids in 12 years at least), maybe one of the three could decide to become one. Or elementary school teacher? I could see some of all the sisters/mothers choose this way because they didn't have as much possibilities than that with their skills :/ (and some of them loves taking care of kids)

Maybe that if Mathilda or Sienna love to cook, they could open (together or only one of them alone) a little tea saloon/coffee shop? Some Sisters/Mothers have skills in cooking so maybe some would open alone or together a backery, a cofffee shop, ect... so maybe Mathilda and Sienna could do that together? (Not Isabella because cooking isn't her best skill ^^")

Maybe a florist?

Maybe Isabella has spend enough time to raises babies and would want a change? And would open a library?

I could see some of all the sisters/mothers choose this way because they didn't have as much possibilities than that with their skills :/ (and some of them loves taking care of kids)

I'd be really careful with implementing this framing and phrasing in the narrative unless it's coming from one of the moms/sisters who's feeling overwhelmed or downcast about their future and struggling with adjusting to the human world. They're all victims of the farm system, and what they experienced at headquarters was traumatic—they were forced into an environment that dehumanized them and pitted them against each other, and before the end of their early twenties they were forced to endure systemic medical rape—but it shouldn't be the sole thing that defines them going forward.

Krone's story in the second light novel talks about how sisters would retrain due to how few were able to obtain one of the five mom positions at Grace Field during their lifetimes:

So even if we're defining sisters as those who haven't retrained and branched out into other fields besides childcare, it's incredibly antithetical for a series that's centered around screwing destiny to frame their futures as limited and tied up in bioessentialism. At the same time, there shouldn't be any shame directed at the ones who do end up gravitating toward childcare. With how many children and sisters were brought over, there's going to be a vast array of answers for what each one finds personally fulfilling in life.

(Chapter 170)

With how driven Matilda was at rising in the ranks at headquarters by becoming second in command to Sarah and later Isabella, I could see her starting her own business or working with a non-profit. Something where she's coordinating multiple projects because her Type A personality enjoys the challenge.

Sienna seems like she'd prefer something a bit less stressful, so a coffee shop owner where she can perfect latte art and foster a relaxed environment with live music could be a reasonable future for her.

I've seen Isabella as a florist as part of the backdrop in an AU (specifically every flower's reaching for the sun if you're in the mood for a RE fic) so my mind has been open to the viability of that career path for her for a while. I have such a soft spot for librarian Ray due to @salsae's vowsverse and my own relationship with reading in uni, and with Isabella's similar history of being a voracious reader (albeit under different circumstances), becoming a library director actively involved in the community around her is equally appealing to me.

(TPN Light Novel 2: Moms’ Song of Remembrance - “The Starry Sky and Leslie’s List” Chapter 3)

[soliloquent-stark]

I've re-read we’ll live in spaces between walls several times. I love all your fics I've read so far (I haven't conquered the long-long ones yet but I totally will), but I think this is one of my top faves. I love the softness of it - the softness that comes out of the misunderstandings, miscommunications, the struggle to get the right words out, the struggle to ask for help and the struggle to find the right way to offer help. This is a very real fic - very real human feelings.

How much of Tony's getting used to essentially being roommates with the entire team and Steve's getting used to being Tony's roommate (as it were) did you pull from your own experiences of living with someone new ( @whinysteve)?

hey friend, thank you for your kind words and sorry for the late answer. ✨ that fic means a lot to me and i am glad it's well-received. 💗

this is such a great question because i never thought of it that way, but i guess it has to be at least on some level inspired by my experiences! whiny is the best roommate i could've ever asked for, but i definitely had horror roommates that took a lot of adjustment, and i also bunked with my best friend during uni times, so i probably relate to all stages of 'avengers as a family' trope. and while i didn't come from the '40s, i did grow up in a tiny cottage in a small village (without anything going on and without many of the wonders of the modern world) then went by myself to live in a big city and, i dunno. i had to get used to a lot of different things and learn things that are basic to others, both social cues and literally how to use certain things, while feeling different levels of unwarranted shame about it and gathering up courage to admit when something was new to me. so maybe i am more similar to steve than i realised but luckily, same as him him, i ended up adjusting to it all just fine. 🥺

[bluegekk0]

Regarding your recent vent post I can understand why you might start to have many of these thoughts about your art/AU stuff. But I honestly don’t really think it’s because of general disinterest of your content in particular as it is the HK fandom itself kinda getting smaller as I’ve been recently noticing. This AU of yours is up there for one of the most passionate and overall best representation of a ship I’ve seen in a while. I find it kind of hard to see people get bored of this, but just know whenever you’re feeling like nobody cares about your AU or art anymore there are many people who truly enjoy what you put out and make our days a little more enjoyable.

And about your section talking about your negative experience with going through a possible autism revelation kind of hit me close to home. It can be a VERY frustrating and stressful time realizing that you may think something is “wrong” with the way you think, act or carry out daily activities. I myself struggled with this shit during high school and I always felt like the most out of place weirdo in the room, and I still occasionally feel like this at times. If I can give you any piece of advice it would be to honestly try your best to accept the card you’ve been dealt with, and to try to push the boundaries of your disability and see what you are capable of, trust me there are times that I thought I couldn’t do something because I believed I would be too stupid or awkward tackle it. But with enough motivation and courage you’d be surprised of what you could do.

I do hope this ask helped you in any way or at least made you not feel completely worthless because in reality you aren’t.

Hmm yeah I definitely noticed that a lot of people moved on to other things. I guess I don't really think of that most of the time since I've also distanced myself quite a bit from the HK community. Thinking now, maybe the fact that I stopped tagging my art with Hollow Knight contributes to this? But at the same time, that feels right since I don't even really see the game and the AU on the same wavelength anymore, they're two different entities to me (with the AU almost leaning into OC territory; it's more like an adaptation of the game rather than something that derives from it). Plus I have this small fear that it'll attract people who know nothing about the AU and will misinterpret my versions of the characters in tags/replies (it happened before which is why it's something I'm sensitive about). I guess I'll have to see it from this perspective more and just start expecting less people to see it if I continue to avoid tagging it as HK. Maybe a "Hollow Knight AU" tag would work as a compromise? I'll think about it.

But I got carried away there, sorry. I'm really grateful for your input. For me it wasn't as much realizing that something is wrong that messed with me, I had this suspicion for a long time, way before I even considered that I might be autistic. It's mostly that I'm afraid my suspicione are wrong and I'm somehow faking the symptoms, even if many of them that I read and heard about feel very relatable to me in a lot of ways. But I appreciate your advice nonetheless, and I'll try to keep it in mind. I'll have to, now that I'm finishing uni, even if it seems terrifying.

Thank you a lot for reaching out, it means a lot ❤️