#this is purely satire and means no support for the MAGA assholes

[ethereal-bumble-bee]

Cot Sponlon Lore!!!

(Here’s some info on Cot Sponlon and his campaign for President of the United States! Feel free to suggest additions/ask questions, and don’t forget- Vote Cot Sponlon in 2024!)

Backstory:

    I’m doomed, Spot lamented silently as he stared at the papers on the desk before him. They were written in fancy language that he barely understood, with official-looking stamps and signatures plastered over every sheet, and Spot felt as if they were trying to suck the soul out of his body.

    It had all started as a joke. He’d been drunk with Race on a Saturday night, and the other boy had made some sort of joke- like a “hey, what if you ran for President of the United States” sort of joke- and Spot had taken it seriously. A more sober version of him (but still a version with horrible ideas) had gone through the process, somehow getting himself involved with New York’s state government and also somehow getting nominated to represent the Democratic Party in the race. 

    Cot Sponlon was the name he’d chosen. A stupid mixed-up version of his childhood nickname that somehow went unchecked by everyone he came into contact with (he didn’t know how), the name that newscasters either berated or praised on television, the name that he’d have to use for the rest of his life if he wanted to keep up this ruse. He had no clue how nobody had checked to see if Cot Sponlon was a U.S citizen, if he old enough to run for president, or even if he was a real person at all, and he fully blamed the carelessness of everyone else for the mix up. Apparently, it didn’t take much trickery to fool the old men in office, as he’d done it with ease.

    Spot sorted through the endless stack of files on the desk, seeing his “name” in immaculately typed script on each one, trying to make sense of the duties he’d be taking over. This is a fucking fever dream, he thought to himself, holding back a cry of frustration as he caught the word deadline for the five hundredth time. He wasn’t quite sure how he was going to get himself out of this mess- it wasn’t as if you had to have some sort of permit to run for president, and somehow America had welcomed Cot Sponlon with open arms, most claiming that he was the best fit to lead the country. Make America Gay Again was the slogan he’d chosen- a take on some fat orange bastard’s battle cry that was somehow endearing to weirdos like himself everywhere.

    No matter the fact that he had dropped out of college at age twenty, that most of his former schoolteachers were surprised he ever learned how to read, much less create a lie so elaborate that he could fool the entire world. It would only take a bit of common sense for it all to come crashing down, for him to be exposed as the clueless leader he was. 

    A banner hung above his small desk- one that read: Cot Sponlon, 2024. Staring up at the brightly printed letters, disbelieving of his own stupidity, Spot made up his mind to keep going with this, even if it was just to see how far he could fuck over the country before they realized he was a fake.

    And, who knows, maybe I could make a difference, Spot thought to himself, suppressing a laugh as he continued to flip through the never-ending paperwork, the name he’d created destined to lead him far into the world of politics he’d never truly meant to sign up for.

Information About Our Candidate:

Name: Cot Sponlon

Age: Twenty-two

Campaign slogan: Make America Gay Again

Political Party: Democrat

College Degrees: None

Interviews and more to come soon! Feel free to ask questions to Mr. Sponlon through the ask box!