#this is probably better therapy than the drk quests anyway

[potassium-pilot]

FFXIVWrite 2023, Prompt 17: Helping Hand (Free Day)

Against the snow of Whitebrim, Dia stood tall to practice her magic. Almost a year of recovery passed by her slowly, but after the dynamis finally cleared and her nerves and reaction time had returned near to normal, magic flowed through her without problems. Fire roared, fae magic whispered in the wind, and ice fell from above. Yes, all was as it should be for her...mostly...

Now was the time for lightning to strike at her command. Clouds gathered to aid her, thundering loudly, and the electricity surging in the skies filled her with power. It was time to cast Thunder once again. Adrenaline rushed through her as she was to call down lightning. Just as she began to raise her codex to the air, however, it flashed by her eyes in a second.

The haunted red and black aether of Zenos viator Galvus, scythe in hand, leaping to slice into her, her only saving grace being that of the dynamis surrounding her, and an undying wish of hers to live and for him to never hurt again. She grappled with fear and anger and a strange, strange feeling...

Then she returned to the moment, and in the same second she saw her former enemy, her hand tingled with the electricity of her spell, incredible pain shooting down her right arm.

"FUCK!"

Dia fell to her knees, clutching her arm, shivering in pain, using any spell she could think of to help her injured hand. Eos raced to her side to try and help her. "Oh, thank the gods I fucked up that cast, Eos. That could have cost me an arm." As she attempted to fix the problem herself, she found her efforts futile. "Damn it, I can't fix this. All right, Eos, to Captain Whitecape."

Her arm was too injured to attempt a cast of Teleport, so she instead called upon her chocobo, who carried her back to the Gates of Judgment.

------

"All right, and this should help the nerve pain", Captain Whitecape offered a bottle of some sort of alchemical solution. The two of them were in a hospital room in the Congregation, a place Dia came to know well after all of the physical therapy she undertook here. Dia took the bottle and drank the concoction. Dia let escape a puff of air as the solution was certainly strong. "Gods, they ought to put this stuff in with the fare at the Forgotten Knight", Dia joked, "It'd be stronger than their usual."

"Maybe then, my patients would take their medication."

Dia scoffed.

"Don't feel too bad, Mistress Sito. You're certainly not the first mage to botch a cast that I've ever seen, and likely, you shan't be the last."

"I broke the first rule of casting: don't hesitate. You know what I did? I hesitated", Dia chastised herself.

"The good news is that you couldn't have timed your hesitation better. What you felt was simply aspected aether running down your arm, and not lightning itself. That much would have been harder to repair."

Dia groaned in frustration. "I guess. It's weird, Captain. Even when I had the aether in my control, I felt...heavier with it than I used to."

"You're most likely just out of practice. Keep working on your casting, my friend, and I think you'll soon find yourself back to where you were before, if not incredibly close."

Dia frowned. Both of them focused their attentions to the door as they heard a knock.

"Who is it?" Captain Whitecape asked. "I'm with a patient."

"A loved one of said patient."

Both of them could recognize Aymeric's voice from anywhere. "This would be your call, Mistress Sito. I can tell him to bugger off if you would like this to remain private."

Dia shook her head. "He was gonna find out about this one way or another. Let him in."

Whitecape went to the door and opened it for his boss. Aymeric walked in, making a straight path to Dia's bed where he sat next to her. "Ser Handeloup told me you came here gripping your hand. Are you all right?"

That bloody snitch!

He gasped as he saw her mangled hand, purple and black aether pulsating underneath her skin, the veins throbbing. "Fury!"

"It's all right, really. I was practicing casting again and I messed up a cast of Thunder. This is just aether. He already gave me some medicine, so I'm just waiting for it to kick in."

"Once it does, Mistress Sito's hand should return to functioning, after which time", he turned to Dia, "I advise you to revisit your hand exercises."

"Fair point."

Once Captain Whitecape gave the all clear, and saw that her hand looked closer to normal, Aymeric and Dia walked to Borel Manor together.

"You said you hesitated in your cast?" Aymeric clarified.

"Yup."

"What caused your hesitation?"

The memory of my fallen enemy coming back to kill me.

"I...don't know. All I know is that the minute I tried, I just..couldn't."

Aymeric hummed.

"Gods, I just...am I sure there's nothing missing? Even when I was surging with power, something was off. I felt imbalanced."

"Did Captain Whitecape have anything to say on the matter?"

Dia shook her head. "He just thinks I need to keep practicing, but it's not like that, Ayms. I've gone a ways without using combat magic before and picking it up again never felt like that."

"Perhaps a second opinion is warranted."

"No, there's not a better chirurgeon in Ishgard."

"Then what of the Conjurers Guild?"

Dia's eyebrows raised. "You think they would help?"

"I think it foolhardy to not give them a chance to aid you. Kan-e-Senna was a fine healer, and I'm certain she's not the only capable conjurer available."

"She's technically a White Mage, but still...I guess...better than keeping around that heavy feeling and risking my arm every time."

"I couldn't agree more."

--------

The midday shined into the hollow of the Conjurers Guild. Dia stepped down the path and approached the lobby, looking around the place.

"Can I help you?" A voice asked.

Dia brought her focus to the voice's source: a padjal with short blond hair and emerald green eyes.

"Oh. Hello there. I was wondering if...I might get some help."

"I can certainly try. Please, join me in the other room." Dia followed the padjal through a door and down a hall. "My name is I-Seko-Pesi. I'll do my best to aid you today." He opened a door and allowed Dia entry. Once he closed it, he asked, "May I presume this is about your right hand?"

Dia looked down. Though much of the black and purple aether had retreated, and her control over her hand felt normal again, some of the discoloration yet remained. "Pray forgive me if I'm wrong, but it looks like a cast of some spell may not have been performed correctly. Something lightning-aspected?"

"I mean, you're not wrong, but that's being treated, believe it or not. It's not why I'm here."

"Very well. What brings you to me, then?"

Dia tried to find the words. "Well...you are right in that I did cast a spell incorrectly. You see, it started a year ago--"

"You returned to Hydaelyn from the end of the universe with life-threatening injuries, which has kept you abed for quite some time."

Dia gawked at him. I-Seko-Pesi laughed. "Worry not. The Elder Seedseer warned us that you might visit us for treatment because of this. That said, enough time had passed that I thought it unlikely to happen...until today, that is. I know who you are, Dia Sito."

"Oh, that's...reassuring..."

"I know perfectly well that you have saved our universe. But one look at you tells me that you're not happy with what occurred to bring you to this point."

Dia's discomfort grew as he seemed to peer into her soul.

"So, what is it exactly that brings you here?"

"My spellcasting and my reflexes are a bit...sluggish, as it were. The chirurgeon I was seeing before insists I'm just out of practice, but something feels...wrong. I don't know how else to describe it."

"Hm, I see." I-Seko-Pesi gestured to a chair. "Take a seat. I would be happy to inspect you." Dia obeyed and sat down. There wasn't an ilm of her that I-Seko-Pesi didn't cover. Something close to twenty minutes passed before I-Seko-Pesi rose.

"Physically, I cannot find a single thing wrong with you aside from your arm, though you were telling the truth when you said it's being treated."

Dia sighed defeatedly.

"Pray do not give up hope too easily, Dia. There's one area I've yet to check." The padjal went behind her and cast some sort of spell over her head. "Tell me exactly what happened to your arm."

She told him everything- that she was in the best shape she had been in a while, felt confident enough to try casting again, and failed when she hesitated.

"What caused your hesitation?"

For some reason, she felt quite calm. There was nothing that kept her from telling the truth to him- not that he was forcing it out, but rather, she felt comfortable enough to admit it to him.

"I...had a vision of sorts."

"Oh?"

"There was an enemy of mine, Zenos viator Galvus. When I was trying to cast, I saw him again; he was trying to slice into me."

I-Seko-Pesi's magic made auras appear before him- he deduced the emotional state of his patients using color and shape. Before, Dia's was a pale blue wave, but the blue was being intruded upon by a red and black spark.

"Tell me more of this man."

That made her chest tighten. The aura in the back of her head grew overwhelmingly bright, the red and black spark overtaking any calm, and the spark itself backfired against him, tossing I-Seko-Pesi across the room.

"Thal's balls!" Dia stood up and ran to the padjal. "Are you all right?"

The conjurer groaned a bit in pain. "There's a reason we keep cushions on these walls."

She never thought about it, but there was, in fact, cushioning along these walls.

"You are not the first, nor will you be the last, to send a conjurer flying." Once I-Seko-Pesi stood up and healed a bit of pain in the back of his neck, he declared, "I believe I've found the source of the sluggishness."

"Zenos?"

"In a sense. Come, take a seat again."

"I don't want to hurt you again."

"You won't. This time, I know better."

Dia gulped before taking the seat as he requested. I-Seko-Pesi returned to the back of her head and started casting. "As I'm certain you know, magic takes quite a bit of focus. This is why casters rely on Lucid Dreaming to help us restore our mana pools. Your mind must be free of distraction. Unfortunately, your travails against this Zenos person have brought you to a point where your mind is burdened and recalling the pain and suffering he has inflicted upon you."

As he examined her, he noticed that there was a red spike- he was not in danger, but rather, she felt ashamed of something.

"Is there something more to this?"

She figured that if I-Seko-Pesi was using magic to read her emotions, it was useless to lie anyway. That said, she still didn't know how to phrase it.

"You are safe in here, Dia. I am legally obligated not to say a word to anyone. Such are protections in Gridania as we also provide mental healthcare."

The shame switched to an orange vibrating ball. She feared something. "You're not throwing me into a sanitarium, are you?"

"Nonsense. The sanitarium is for tortured souls that might hurt themselves or others. I deem you not a danger, Dia. You're safe."

I-Seko-Pesi's magic allowed for soothing effects to overtake the brain, enough that Dia could recall her feelings surrounding Zenos without too much trouble. Her aura shifted to a gray sludge as she recalled it.

"He used me."

"How?"

"He got an Ascian to rip my soul from my body, place mine in a corpse he dug up from gods only know where, and parade himself about in my own body. I fought my way to tempered Garleans and magitek, crawled through the snow as my strength failed me, and just barely made it in time to stop him from murdering all of my loved ones using my own body."

I-Seko-Pesi grimaced. "Matron preserve..."

"Never mind how he left me for dead on multiple occasions when I attempted to stop him from murdering everyone. And failed. Miserably. Then he has the gall to try and help me at the last minute, gorging on the last of the Mothercrystal's aether to fly to me, just so he could battle me once more. He stalked me, like I was prey to him. I agreed to it."

"How did that make you feel?"

"...I did it to make sure he could never touch anyone I love again. It made me feel...obligated. I felt angry. Yet, I felt pity for him too. That really was the only thing he had left to live for. If I suffered him for much longer, imagine what he could have done next, especially with the aid of Mothercrystal aether."

He saw the cacophony of emotions swirl about, but she left out one specifically.

"There was something else", I-Seko-Pesi reminded her. "Something that I wonder if you even remember."

There was. The sensation she felt in her interruption in Whitebrim called back to mind.

"What was it, Dia?"

Her breathing quickened as the answer bit away at her soul. I-Seko-Pesi could see the shame reappear.

"Please, do not let shame stop you. I promise, I want to help you, even if you are not proud of it."

"...I hate that I felt it", she admitted voicelessly.

"What do you hate?"

"...bliss."

This confirmed what I-Seko-Pesi saw. "And why did you feel bliss?"

"To return every last bit of pain he ever inflicted on me tenfold. To feel the control I had in that moment. It was my moment. It was mine, and not his. Oh, I never had that in battle before."

"And that terrifies you to feel this."

"Yes. It proves his point."

"What point?"

"That I'm just as bloodthirsty as him."

I-Seko-Pesi took in a deep breath. "There's a bit of animal in all of us. This animal is good, mind you. It serves to help every last one of us survive. It keeps us connected with Hydaelyn as a star. Animals, like anything else, react to their surroundings. You said it was only in that battle that you felt that bliss?"

"Yes. I've never liked fighting before that. I did it because I had to."

"A fair point. You've known Zenos only as a threat. When the time came that you felt able to quell it, you took it. You've faced your defeats against him, you destroyed despair itself just before that, you had dynamis surging through you. Even if these weren't aiding factors, is it so bad that you felt that while destroying him?"

"It's terrible that I felt that."

"Is it? The feeling was simply that, Dia- a feeling. You've not chosen to seek that bliss again from anyone else in the same manner. While your feelings are important, holding onto shame as you reconcile these things within you will only hamper you in the long run."

"I..."

"I would like to help you resolve this conflict within you in another session. Might you be willing to return to me next Earthsday? One o' clock?"

"Are you sure?"

"If you wish to regain your former clarity and balance when you cast, I urge you to consider meeting with me regularly. I can help, and I wish to help. It would be my honor."

Dia smiled. "All right. Earthsday, one o' clock. I'll be here."

"Wonderful."

Dia stood up before the padjal asked, "May I ask one more thing?"

"Sure."

"What compelled you to take on such a monumental task?"

"...Hydaelyn. Before I killed her anyway."

He quickly realized he was absolutely onto something by asking her to return regularly. That's way too many issues to try and cover in a day.

"I see. I look forward to meeting you again."

She grinned. "Yeah, me too. Take care." She waved and walked out of his office. As she approached the entrance, she took a deep breath of the Gridanian air and exhaled slowly.

I'm returning here a lot, aren't I?