#this is pretty much gen with a slice of kakashi/gai btw

[ahkaraii]

Rarepair generator: Itachi & Gai (1252 words)

“You can use a transformation technique.” Captain Hound said. “He won’t be able to tell the difference.” He paused. “Probably.”

Itachi blinked. “Understood,” he said.

“Senpai!” Lieutenant Cat yelped. “Stop hazing our new members with that!” Clearly he was speaking from experience.

“I am not,” Captain Hound said. “Challenges with Gai are extremely important to me.” He very clearly winked behind his mask. “So do your best, Weasel-kun!”

Itachi was eleven years old, not an idiot. He’d played enough pranks on his baby brother Sasuke to know when someone was messing with him. But that was all right. Father had been proud of his admittance into ANBU not only because of the prestige it had brought the Uchiha clan, but also because it was a perfect opportunity to gather intelligence on the village and its villagers.

With a flick of his wrist and a pulse of chakra, he transformed into a flawless copy of Hatake Kakashi-san wearing his civilian attire. Time to meet his opponent.

Maito Gai was...kind of hard to miss. Dressed in a violently bright green jumpsuit and wearing orange legwarmers, he was going through a series of slow, smooth stretches. It was not a form Itachi could immediately recognize, which was not entirely unexpected. This was a man well-known for employing an extremely varied amount of martial arts, after all, and Itachi was not a taijutsu specialist.

The stretches were almost hypnotic. Maito Gai was stretching every muscle in his body one by one, Itachi realized. His mouth felt a little dry. Itachi cleared his throat after a few minutes.

“Rival!” Maito Gai’s teeth were far too white. “You’re on time!”

Oh. Itachi had never known Captain Hound to be late to missions...then again, it was highly likely Hatake Kakashi did not act the same off-duty. Too late to take it back. “Let’s get this over with,” Itachi said, striving to equal Captain Hound’s tone.

“Yosh! I’m all fired up by your youthful excitement!” Maito Gai inexplicably relaxed. “How about rock, paper, scissors?”

Itachi paused for a microsecond. Was that the name of a secret martial arts technique he didn’t know? 

“I’d rather jiujitsu,” he said smoothly. “First to a submission hold wins.”

“Now you’re talking!” Maito Gai said enthusiastically, and disappeared.

Wha--

Itachi regained consciousness a scant few seconds later, black fading away from his vision. There was a thick arm encircling his neck and a stone-warm body behind him, holding him up.

“I’m disappointed, Kakashi,” Maito Gai said quietly near his ear.

All of the hairs on Itachi’s arms rose.

“That was too easy, haha!” Maito Gai pushed him away and Itachi stumbled forward, shaking off his shock. “I refuse to include it to our tally, rival! You better fight properly, next time.” Gai turned around and resumed his odd stretching routine, entirely ignoring Itachi.

Itachi only then realized his transformation technique had failed sometime during the scuffle. There was absolutely no way Maito Gai hadn’t noticed. Itachi turned tail and fled before the jonin could decide to properly pummel him for the deception.

That speed! Even his cousin Shisui would have trouble following it, Itachi thought, heart pounding in his chest. He must have channelled some chakra to his muscles during those stretches, otherwise, it should be impossible--

“Mission failed, huh, rookie?” Sargeant Hare said sympathetically. “At least you’re not hurt. When Cat-senpai was a newbie, Captain’s prank got him hospitalized!”

"He broke my JAW!”

Captain Hound cackled. “With his acorn dick?!”

The members of Team Ro rorared with laughter.  “What?! No!” Lieutenant Cat was beetroot red, incoherent with rage. “A-And how do you know the size of his dick, huh?! Senpai!”

“Maa, well,” Captain Hound said, basking in the sudden, interested silence, “we were young, and there was Icha Icha...” The whole room became loud with jeers and hoots. ANBU were an odd lot, Itachi thought primly. They were impeccable soldiers on duty, to be sure, but off it they were as rowdy as Academy students during an unsupervised lunch break.

“Hey, guys, let’s tone it down some.” Hare gesticulated emphatically. "Think of the kid!”

Kid? Ah, they were talking about him. “I am not a child.” Itachi frowned. “I am an ANBU soldier, same as all of you.” Why did people keep bringing up his age?

“Heh...” Captain Hound’s jokester personality suddenly melted away, and his voice was cold, and playtime was over. “You’re a child until Gai finally hits you for real. Until then, you’re the team newbie, and you get to do all the shit jobs none of us want to do. Understand?”

“Understood,” Itachi said tightly.

“Job number one,” Captain Hound said. “Don’t die, no matter what.”

Itachi blinked. That was a job no one wanted?

“Job number two,” Captain Hound continued. “The mission is always the priority, no matter what.”

Itachi nodded. That made sense. “Of course, sir.”

“Only adults have a higher priority mission,” Captain Hound said. “One that goes above job one and job two.”

Itachi stood straight to attention.

“The most important mission adults have is...” Captain Hound had never sounded so serious. “‘Protect your comrades, no matter what!’”

Huh? “But that’s a priority even a genin may have! Sir,” Itachi said.

“It’s not just a priority to me,” Captain Hound said solemnly. “It’s an unbreakable rule.” He patted Itachi’s head like he would a dog. “Until then, worry about yourself first, Weasel-chan.”

Itachi fought the urge to grimace and inadvertently prove he was still a child by throwing a tantrum. He felt a little bad for playing pranks on Sasuke, now, if this was how it felt to be on the receiving end. “Yes, sir,” he said instead.

--

Shisui found it all hilarious, of course. “You lost against Maito-san? You?!”

“He’s very fast,” Itachi said defensively.

“I’m fast, and you can keep up with me!” Shisui poked his forehead. “You have a sharingan, don’t you?”

Itachi frowned. He hadn’t activated it. He hadn’t had the time.

"Aww...are you pouting, baby cousin?”

“I am not,” Itachi said. “And I’m not a baby. I’m only four years younger than you.”

“That’s nearly half your lifetime,” Shisui reminded him.

Sasuke chose that moment to interrupt. “Brother! Brother! You’re not looking!” He flung a kunai at a target and missed by a meter. “No! Wait! I can do better!”

“That was very well done, Sasuke,” Itachi said indulgently.

“Yeah, if you were aiming for someone’s balls.” Shisui snorted. He rolled his eyes when Itachi subtly performed a wind jutsu to help Sasuke hit the target on his next swing.

“I DID IT! I DID IT! Did you see it brother? Did you?!”

“I did,” Itachi said. “Congratulations, little brother.”

Sasuke was so excited he tripped and chipped a tooth.

--

“RIVAL!”

Kakashi gave an exaggerated sigh and stopped in his tracks. If he didn’t, Gai would just run until he caught up to him, and make a bigger fuss. Best get it over with.

“I want a proper match against you!” Gai was very loud and very green.

“Didn’t we just have a match yesterday?”

“That wasn’t true and you know it!”

Kakashi chuckled. “Wasn’t my cute kohai a challenge enough for you?”

Gai put his hands on his hips and looked very severe. “Stop using our challenges to test your new subordinates.”

“But you’re such a great teacher,” Kakashi said.

“I won’t be swayed to compliance by your flattery, rival!” Gai stomped his foot. “Fight me properly!”

“Fine,” Kakashi said. “Eating contest?”

Gai beamed. “Thought you’d never ask!”