#this is obviously from his death which is incredibly depressing and heart wrenching to me

[skitskatdacat63]

— Emperor Charles VI's diary entry on Count Althann's death

[text: "My only heart, my comfort, my most faithful servant, my soulmate, who loved me dearly as I did him for 19 years, [we] had a true friendship, we were one heart and one soul, and we never concealed anything from one another. He will always be in my heart, [my] beloved friend..I. have lost everything."]

[qqueenofhades]

did you watch lucifer season six and what are your thoughts pls and ty

Ahaha. Yes. Yes I did watch it. Then I cried for a literal hour and attempted to compose myself, only to start crying again when I lay down and kept on thinking about it. Then I had more feelings. Then I slept like the dead due to emotional trauma. Then I reblogged gifsets and had More feelings. Then @buffaluff and @flynnanimal watched it and also required emotional support due to drowning in their own tears. So, uh... we're all fine here now. How are you?

My main takeaway from the final season was the sheer amount of love for the characters, story, and fans that you could feel shining through all the episodes, and which made SUCH a refreshing change. I had feelings in my tags the other day about how a show about the devil was constantly goofy, hopeful, loving, and uplifting, rather than all the grimdark nonsense they could have easily done with it. (As I said, just imagine it as written by the GOT idiots?? NO THANK YOU.) The writing really loved everyone and wanted to give them a proper ending and emotional journey, and it wanted to show the fans that they weren't stupid for having invested six seasons of effort and emotion into this, and just... that is so much rarer than it should be? Compare all the movies and TV shows that treat their fans like the enemy, that want to outsmart them at all costs even if it means changing major plot elements, that ferociously guard spoilers and think that "shock value" means good writing, by throwing hackneyed cliche upon cliche and making everything Depressing, and just... Lucifer had its hiccups and slow points and missteps, of course, but I am SO glad they didn't do that. The entire show consisted of Lucifer slowly but steadily progressing toward being a better man, despite mistakes and setbacks and sometimes a little too much will-they-won't-they. (Season 3 was the only one where I got bored and skipped over the filler episodes with Pierce/Lucifer/Chloe in order to get to the end).

That is an essentially simple premise, but they stuck to it, and they didn't try to create more drama by randomly wrecking what they had already established. I wrote a fic all the way back in mid-season 2 (In Nomine Patris) that ended up predicting quite a few of the future characters who had not yet appeared on the show at that time, including Eve, Michael, and Azrael, and several plot points, including the very major one of Lucifer returning to hell for the sake of his daughter with Chloe. And while this might mean that I am just that good at guessing TV shows (I would like to think this....) it also means that the writers set expectations, followed through on those expectations, and didn't suddenly derail everything or turn it totally on its head just for the sake of cheap shocks. As we can all attest, they certainly caused PLENTY of drama, anguish, pain, and suffering, but they did it in a way that remained faithful to the overall premises of the story and the characters, and wanted to see them become the best versions of themselves. I cried my eyes out at the end and then thought, "hey, I might want to watch the whole series again," which, if you ask me, is the mark of doing your job right. There have been so few TV endings recently where I didn't immediately swear off the whole thing or have to pretend that canon didn't exist, so yeah.

As I said, it was just refreshing to watch something that had that essential deep generosity at its core, where the message is that everyone is worthy of love if they make the hard and painful effort to change and become better, and that even if earthly things feel small next to all this messy celestial drama, they still matter, and that you are loved no matter what. I loved that Amenadiel became God and Lucifer returned to hell as a choice in order to help all the trapped souls be able to work through their guilt and go to heaven. There were obviously certain echoes of The Good Place in that ending; I don't know if it was something they had planned all along or if the success of TGP, another series asking deep questions about life, death, morality, and human nature within the framework of a goofy heaven-and-hell sitcom, influenced it, but either way, it worked so well. Even if it tore my heart out and stomped on it on the ground, it was fitting and oh so lovely to see Lucifer, once the most selfish being in the entire universe, following in Linda's footsteps and becoming selflessly dedicated to helping other people. Just. Chef's kiss.

And of course, Deckerstar. The Hades and Persephone vibes were IMMACULATE this season, and while it did take Lucifer and Chloe the best part of four seasons to get together, they never significantly backslid, never had third-party issues or cheap cheating storylines once they were officially a couple, and Tom Ellis and Lauren German REALLY killed it this season in particular. It was never easy for them and sometimes the drama went on a little too long over the course of said six seasons, but the love story was beautiful and incredibly meaningful and always true to the fact that the actors and characters and writers (not to mention the fans) all loved it so much. They were so much the emotional heart of this, and when they went to hell together in episode 6x03 (where they turned into cartoons because wHAT even IS this show), Joe Henderson said in an interview that this was to give the fans a view into Lucifer and Chloe's future (after) lives post-6x10, and to offer them a basis to write fanfiction. I mean... the showrunner saying to the fans "here, we love you, have something to write fic about!" is likewise pretty shockingly rare. It's again an example of how this show always audaciously poked fun at itself, never took itself TOO seriously, and was always welcoming its fans and the people who loved it to do so, rather than making them feel stupid or taking joy in wrecking beloved characters or plots.

Obviously, I loved Rory, the badass lesbian half-angel goth Deckerstar child straight out of My Immortal (seriously, she was SO edgy, it was amazing), because of the fact that Lucifer's entire arc was always about feeling abandoned by his father and that he was going to have to face it for himself. Dorky Devil Dad Lucifer trying his absolute HARDEST to bond with his daughter was simultaneously hilarious, adorable, and heart-wrenching, and yet again, the Growth. We all remember when he could barely tolerate Trixie touching him, and now we're here. Also, any variation whatsoever of "this is just a brief moment of time that we must be apart, love is eternal and stronger than death and we will never really leave each other" as a line is guaranteed to make me bawl my eyes out. So that was fun.

I got a big kick out of Ghost Dan running around and trying to get everyone to see him, and had feelings about seeing him in heaven with Charlotte and his beloved Pudding Pops at the end. I had feelings about how they handled Ella finding out the truth (or rather demanding to know why nobody had told her) and of course, I obviously loved Maze and Eve and their goth/femme wedding and the fact that they got a good three-season romantic arc (indeed, I wanted more of them). My god, Trixie is SO BIG, she used to be a tiny little nugget. I love that Linda was the moral and emotional rock all along, from the first episode to the very last, and that Amenadiel was Deeply Vindicated when Charlie's wings appeared at his first birthday party. I love how Lucifer in s6 is absolute thousands of light years from Lucifer in s1. And as ever, Chloe was Perfect. I am happy that I spent six seasons with these characters and saw them become better, and that I was never made to feel like an idiot for trusting the writers to end everything in a beautiful and emotional way. Because, well. They did. Sure, maybe I could go back and pick at a plotline here or a detail there, but I don't terribly feel the need to do so? It might not have been perfect, but it was perfect, and I am so grateful that it existed.

[cosmicjoke]

Ah, and now onto one of the most depressing chapters in all of SnK, chapter 132.

You know, if anyone ever needed a reason to despise Floch any more, how about the fact that he’s literally the reason Hange died?  If this bitch ass ho hadn’t shot the fuel tank of the plane full of holes, Hange wouldn’t have had to engage with the Titans to buy time for them to fix it, and they wouldn’t have died.  So, fuck you Floch.  I wish you’d suffered more before Mikasa finally ended your ass.

Well, anyway, what can I say about this chapter that hasn’t already been discussed?  Probably nothing, but I’ll try my best to give my observations anyway.

This really is Hange’s chapter, and Levi’s, in terms of putting a spot light on the importance of their relationship to one another.  

Hange’s sacrifice in this chapter is heartbreaking, it truly is, and such a major blow to everyone.  But to Levi most of all, and for so many reasons.

First of all, what stands out to me is the exchange between them, after Pieck tells Hange to stop being “gross”.  What I want to talk about here is when Hange asks Levi if he thinks their dead comrades are watching, and if he thinks they’ll be proud of what they do here today.  Levi tells Hange to stop talking like “him”, meaning of course Erwin.  This scene is just heart-wrenching, and part of that is, I think, because of Levi’s reaction to what Hange is saying.  He has, once again, such a weary, resigned looked on his face, and it’s because, I think, of the parallels he sees with Erwin.  I think Levi already knows, at this point, that Hange is going to die, in some way.  He recognizes the same, fatalistic bent to Hange’s mindset as he saw in Erwin, that day in Shinganshina, the same burden of guilt.  Just as Erwin began to bow and break under the weight of all the lives that had been lost under his command, Hange too is beginning to break, overcome by despair and hopelessness at what they perceive to be their failures.  Hange expresses this outright in the scene with Yelena, when Yelena tries forcing everyone to admit that Zeke was right, and Hange just resignedly agrees, saying that it was because of their failure to come up with a plan, because of their loss of hope, that Eren’s done what he has.  Of course, this isn’t true, just like Erwin blaming himself for the deaths of all those soldiers wasn’t based in any kind of truth.  But the sense of guilt is the same.  Hange blames themselves for what’s happening now, and they say this in front of everyone, including Levi.  And then Hange says what they do to Levi, about their dead comrades, and I think this must have been like the worst kind of deja vu to Levi, this kind of guilt driving Hange towards despair and hopelessness.  He tells Hange “Don’t you start talking like him, too...” because he can’t bear it.  He can’t bear to see his last, true friend succumb to the same fate as Erwin.

And then the Rumbling shows up, and Hange refuses for anyone else to engage with the Titans but themselves.  They tell everyone “I’m the one who led us here.  I pressed on, even at the cost of so many lives.  Time to face the music.”, and it’s Hange willingly taking on the role of martyr, the same one Levi had to help Erwin to accept for himself, in order to give their comrades a chance at victory.  Hange’s selflessness here is the definition of heroic.  True, unwavering conviction to what they believe is right.

But once again, similarly to Levi’s final push to help Erwin become the commander everyone believed him to be, Levi recognizes for Hange, in their final moment together, what it is they need.  He doesn’t try to stop Hange, doesn’t try to convince them against their chosen course of action, doesn’t cry out after them.  The same way Levi recognized in Erwin the way he was being crushed under the weight of his guilt, and understood how it would be a mercy and a salvation to make for him the decision to let go of his dream and die, Levi also recognizes in Hange that same burden and suffocating sense of guilt, and knows this is a decision Hange has made for themselves, their final absolution and ownership of their past choices, and that this is the thing Hange needs to relieve them of their burden.  A way for them to bear the burden of their past choices without regret.  Hange implores Levi to let them walk away and do this, and Levi does, because he understands, the same as he understood with Erwin.

But we finally see in full view the consequences for Levi in making these decisions, in letting his two, closest friends go to their deaths for the sake of their cause.  Levi’s expression in the following three panels is one of such unfathomable heartbreak.  He looks like a man utterly resigned to losing every good thing in his life, conscious and accepting of life’s bitter injustice and the grief of loss, but no less affected by it.  Levi is in so much obvious pain here.  Not physical (though obviously there’s that), but emotional and mental.  Hange is it for him.  They’re his last, real connection, his last, true friend, his last person.  And he has to let them go here.  Both for the sake of humanity, and for Hange’s own sake as well.  It truly is the bitterest pill to swallow.  And once again, it is a desperately heartbreaking display of Levi’s own selflessness, that he lets Hange go, that he lets Hange do this thing that needs to be done, without complaint, without protest, without influence from his own feelings, sacrificing once more what would be best for him for the sake of everyone else.  Levi looks devastated as he lays his fist against Hange’s chest and tells them “dedicate your heart”.  This final acceptance of his own, tragic loss, and Hange’s own choice to sacrifice their life.

And it continues when Hange flies away, at last, and we see Levi standing with the rest of their group.  Everyone around Levi has expressions of shock, dismay, and disbelief.  They haven’t yet accepted that this is happening, that Hange is flying to their death to buy them the time they need.  They look astonished and horrified.  But Levi is the lone exception.  He doesn’t look shocked, or disbelieving, but only continues to carry that same expression of weary, despairing resignation and acceptance.  And I think what we see in Levi, in this final arc is, in many ways, the culmination of a lifetime of loss and grief.  Levi’s lost more than probably any other character in SnK.  He’s experienced the most extreme forms of poverty and depravation from the time he was born, and with the death of Hange, has now lost every, single person that he ever formed any kind of close bond with.  With Hange’s death, Levi is left finally, completely alone.  And the look of defeat on Levi’s face throughout this entire arc is, I think, reflective of the affirmation he must feel, of the cruelty and injustice of life’s indifference to the suffering of everyone.  Every experience in Levi’s life has driven home to him the lesson, again and again, of the unfairness and cruelty of existing in this world.  And the events of this final arc, Eren’s betrayal, Zeke’s manipulations and cruelties, the deaths of so many comrades, the Rumbling, violence and destruction and allies turning against one another, and finally, Hange’s death, can only solidify for him the hopeless cynicism he’s fought against all his life, the awful comprehension of life’s brutality.  With Hange’s death, Levi is made to face once more what he’s always, deep down, known, which is that to exist in this world is to suffer with no purpose.  

And yet, still, Levi fights on.  He accepts Hange’s death with all the pain the loss crushes him down with.  He tells Hange goodbye, and asks them to “Just watch us.”.  Because even with the affirmation of all of Levi’s greatest despairs, he still finds a reason to make the fight worth it.  To realize the dream they all fought for, the salvation and future of humanity, and through the realization of that dream, to give meaning and importance to the lives of all those who have died in that dreams name, and meaning and importance to the lives of those yet still there.  Levi refuses, still, to give up, refuses to accept the futility and insignificance of people’s lives, even as he’s so ruthlessly reminded again and again of it.  And it’s in Hange, I think, that Levi finds that strength.  Because Hange also refused to give up.  Like they told Floch as he bled out, “We still can’t give up.  Even if we fail here, now, maybe someday...”  Maybe someday, life really will get better.  Maybe someday, people won’t have to suffer so much.  Maybe someday, there really will be a point to all of it.  Even in the face of total despair, Hange and Levi both found reasons to keep fighting.

Also, just some smaller observations about Levi’s physical state, and what it also says about his determination to not give up, but also about his perception of himself.

Levi is doing BAD here.  I didn’t notice this on my first read through, but when they’re all gearing up with their ODM gear, Levi is the only one sitting down on a crate, while everyone else is standing.  We see earlier in the chapter, when he leaves his room on the boat, he can’t even stand without the support of a handrail on the upper deck, or Armin’s arm around his shoulders.  And then when we see him testing his grip on the handle of his ODM’s blade, his hand is visibly shaking.  Levi’s physically too weak to stand on his own at this point, too weak to even hold his blades steady.  He must be in absolutely horrific pain.  Probably dizzy and lightheaded, probably nauseas even.  He’s FAILING physically.  On the verge, it seems, of collapse.  The fact that he’s even up and making the effort to move is something of a miracle, let alone that he’s prepared to engage in intense, physical combat, which just a short time later, he DOES.  That’s remarkable, and such a testament to Levi’s incredible will and unwavering conviction to fight for humanity.  He’s dying.  I think literally, he’s extremely close to death, genuinely frail.  But he still is ready and willing to give his all.  I think, over the course of the few chapters before this one, it must have been horrifically hard for Levi to sit by and watch as everyone else risked their lives to fight.  This isn’t something Levi is used to, being helpless and unable to fight for others.  He isn’t used to letting others take the risk while he stays back.  When Levi comes out of his cabin and Armin tries to convince him to go back to bed, Levi snaps with impatience that if he keeps resting, they’re all going to forget he even exists.  This reveals a lot about Levi’s perception of himself as someone who needs to make himself useful in order to matter.  As a tool to utilize.  He feels useless and like dead weight if he isn’t able to fight, and so, even on deaths door, he pushes himself to do just that, to become a weapon to be used in the coming battle.  It’s heartbreaking, to see Levi regard himself this way, even as it proves his incredible devotion and heart.  Once again, his own well being takes a backseat to the cause of others.  His health is secondary, in his mind.  For someone who always shows so much compassion and kindness and understanding for others, it makes it doubly heartbreaking, to see that Levi can’t manage the same compassion for himself, can’t give himself a break, or a pass for his weakness.  That he can’t allow himself that vulnerability, or for others to fight for him, even as all his life, he’s done nothing but fight for others.  

[tundrainafrica]

So, it took months for me to finally let go of my anger & disappointment towards Yams for writing ch132. But then recently I found this tweet https://twitter.com/helmn9R/status/1315427848467947520?s=19 and suddenly it all came back to me. Nevermind the backstory, her character development is alr strong enough w/o it. But she had so MANY unresolved story with Eren, Flegel, most importantly, herself (read the tweet for more explanation). What a waste of character for her death being so pointless that it didn't give any improvement to the plot at all, neither to any other characters development. We all know, Armin would still be Armin in recent chapter with or without her death. So WHAT'S THE POINT ACTUALLY? ;-; I'm sorry for ranting:(

Okay, I really agree with you here. There are times I find myself realizing that I will never be completely satisfied with Hange’s death. Yams can pull off the most mind blowing ending to AOT and I will still have this hole in my heart left by her  death. And I’ll be writing Levihan fanfiction and metas for an incredibly long time because Hange is really an underappreciated character in this fandom and Yams just gave her the most beautiful yet most unsatisfying and unnecessary death. 

That is… if you look at it in the grand scheme of things. 

I feel like if we meta Hange’s personality a bit and follow the story from Hange’s POV and put her character as a focus we could actually paint the story as a good tragedy for her character and somehow we could put meaning into her death. 

Although Hange had started off a little wide eyed and naive, we can all agree that Erwin, Moblit and the death of the whole survey corps did a number on her psyche. Even before she could completely process their death, Hange was placed in one of the highest and most important positions in the government and suddenly she has to deal with the opening up of Paradis, diplomacy issues and the rapid progression of technology. 

As the commander of the survey corps which brought all these hopes and possibilities in, which also brought the threat of a war from an external force in, Hange had responsibilities much larger than Erwin ever had. I think given the fact that she started her position in such an inopportune time, and she got placed into a position so unfamiliar even for her, she would be incredibly uncertain. I mean who could have been prepared for what lay outside the walls really? Hange may have been a genius but her experiences were limited to the simple life that lay within the walls. I think her being dropped into that type of position from a medieval setting to a 1940s world war 2 setting would be a lot even for a genius like her to handle. 

And that uncertainty and the stress of just everything changing and having to take the reins would have eventually lead to some self esteem issues on her end. And mind you, even before they opened up paradis, Hange had self esteem issues with becoming the commander. One hint of this is in the scene in season 3 where Levi and Hange had a meeting with the reporters and Hange was still reeling from her sudden rise to power and suddenly, Levi (who usually never talks) had to be the one to face the reporters because Hange, (for the first time) had nothing much to say. 

And what if she never really completely recovered from that?

Imagine what happened after with everyone just coming in, technology rapidly progressing and Hange having to quickly adjust her plans and her way of thinking with the endless developments she has to address. And here’s another thing which can completely trample Hange’s self esteem. She is the leader of the country stuck in the medieval ages. She is literally the least up to speed among all the other diplomats and representatives of other countries and a war is brewing and she had to deal with that too. 

And things just take a turn for a worse when they attack Liberio and when Eren, the person who she believed to be the hope of humanity, the young boy she had somehow raised herself decides to betray them.  I mean they will have their scenes in season 4 when she references their conversations and how he used to listen to her until dawn years ago. Dam that scene where Eren grabs her by the collar of her shirt is just so dam heartbreaking.

Then all the soldiers under Hange, who she was tasked to lead suddenly turn against her. And before she knows it the rumbling starts and the world is about to be completely destroyed. 

Of course Hange would manage to twist it to her own fault. If we look at everything at face value and think ‘who the hell was in charge? How the hell did this happen to the survey corps? Who was supposed to look out for Eren?’ Anyone would blame the person with direct responsibility over that. The one who was supposed to be leading the survey corps and the development of Paradis, Hange. 

So it is not too outrageous to think Hange would have blamed herself for everything there and her shitty self esteem is obviously feeding into that too.

 I mean she never had the confidence to begin with. She never had the time to adjust to her new position and she could easily rationalize every loss to her own ‘lack of capability’ as a commander. 

And what does Hange decide to do with the weight of all those mistakes on her back. She decides to scramble for a way to atone for them in whatever way she can. She wanted to sacrifice herself. She wanted to give her life for them. 

In the grand scheme of things, yes her death was pointless but when I watched the build up of her psyche and the battering of her character, I couldn’t help but think that it wasn’t a horrible way to go out. 

It was unnecessary. It was pointless and it was unsatisfying. 

But god, the build up and just the analysis of her storyline all the way to that point made it so depressing. Made it so heart wrenching to analyze the desperation which had pushed her to the point of thinking…

“I’m useless. I’m stupid. I’m careless. It’s every bad decision I made that pushed Eren to betray us. For two separate factions of the survey corps to be created. Erwin would have done a better job.” 

And the cumulation of those thoughts and the trampling of every bit of her self esteem probably led her to think. I may be commander but I’d probably be the most useless one on the field. I’ll try to be as useful as I can, even if I die in the end. 

And that’s why when they were desperately looking for a way out, Hange obviously volunteers herself. After all she’s been through, after seeing her psyche and self esteem break one by one, I don’t think Hange would have been the type to volunteer anyone else. Her guilt and her self loathing wouldn’t have allowed her too. She probably genuinely believed Armin and Jean would have done a better job leading than she could, I mean she’s probably still reeling from the fact that she couldn’t keep the survey corps in one piece as their commander and she was probably thinking “Erwin would have kept it in one piece” 

So I think somehow there was build up to her death character wise and the build up was beautifully tragic. 

I wouldn’t say it was a masterpiece though because honestly Yams, could have just have avoided a situation with Hange dying. But I can’t help but think, Yams has been giving pretty sad ends to a lot of his characters and AOT has been pretty dark and a lot of deaths turned out to have been pointless anyway. 

I mean how many people have died for Eren only for him to turn into the asshole of the century? 

Hange died selflessly, she died for what she believed was right and at her last moment, she couldn’t send anyone else to die in her stead and I think this very much aligns with her character. 

Really, I probably would have lost a lot of respect for Hange if she left Connie behind instead or something. The only other person I think I would have found reasonable seeing there sacrificing their life would have been Levi. Hange and Levi would not have let anyone else go. It’s just not in their character. The 140 cadets are all their babies after all.

Thanks for asking this though. Really interesting question.

I actually wrote a fic recently analyzing Hange’s psyche towards the end of the story which I’m linking here for anyone who’s interested. 

[sidespromptblog]

The Past: Part 9

One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight

Summary: Logan doesn’t recall being Apathy, he can’t remember a single instance in his life where he was the dark side Apathy. As far as he’s aware he’s always just been… Logic, Thomas’ Logic to be more precise. He lives and he breathes as Logic and nothing more.

Except…He’s certain that he isn’t supposed to have emotions, that little things like being called stupid and having the word infinitesimal thrown at him aren’t supposed to hurt the way that they do. He’s certain that he was never supposed to feel, let alone everything that he does now. He just doesn’t understand these feelings, not to mention the dreams of a blank white tie that was folded to crisp perfection. He doesn’t understand the dreams in which he stands before Deceit and the others, with such a tiny smile, but a smile nonetheless.

He doesn’t understand, why when he looks at his friends… and he feels nothing but fear and anger.

Standing before the bland grey door that was without even a simple name on it, Logan felt something akin to ants crawling up the base of his spine as he looked at the simple word that was spelled out in a neat and somewhat bland font. Apathy. This had been Apathy’s room, it was still here even though.. even though every side that was dead or faded… even though their rooms had faded away along with them. It was unprecedented, the mere idea of a room lasting after the death of aside. Every room, every room without fail had faded away with the death of the sides. Exactly how many times had he seen it happen, and yet here this room was… still standing.

A chill settled down right to the logical side’s core as he glanced up, meeting Remus’ somewhat hopeful expression before the look was instantly dashed as soon as the confusion made itself known on Logan’s face.

“Come on,” The creative side helplessly mumbled, throwing open the door without a single care in the world before strolling in as if he had done this so many times before. His movements were incredibly relaxed as he walked in, flopping on the bed that was covered in a fine layer of dust and cobwebs. The room looked like it hadn’t been used let alone slept in…. in years. The pillows were still messy just as the blankets were, and a pile of clothes still laid on the floor shoved into the corner like it was a makeshift laundry area. There were books everywhere, and- “Does any of this look… familiar?” Remus hopefully asked, his legs bouncing up and down as studied Logan’s every move ever since walking into the room.

The denial was right on the tip of his tongue, but the trouble was… it DID feel familiar. This entire room felt like he had just rubbed aloe on a horrific sunburn that had always itched and burned in a way that he had never noticed until now. It felt safe… it felt like ho- Logan’s gaze stiffened as soon as glanced down at a sole picture frame covered in layers and layers of dust, smudging his fingers over it his movements revealed the faces that laid underneath.

A pale tie, wire-thin glasses, pitch-black clothing, and an expression of blandness that could rival even Logan’s when Roman talked about Disney. He stood next to a much younger looking Remus, a Remus who wore a massive grin on his face, as his arms linked around the other person, hugging him as tightly as he possibly could.

It looked like him. He looked like him. Why did he look like him?

Just like that it became so very hard to swallow, “Remus,” He choked the name out, not even able to look at the creative side in question as he perked up. “What was your relationship with this… Apathy person?” Logan’s voice was hard and cold, he knew it was as cold as ice but… he couldn’t let it be any other way. Not if… Not if he was suspecting what he thought that he was suspecting. “Who was he?” He bit the words out as he set the picture frame back down with a controlled calm so to not accidentally damage it in any way.

Remus suddenly seemed a whole lot more interested in his boots, as he dragged his gaze away from Logan’s. His feet nudging a column of dust bunnies out from under the bed with an almost practiced ease, he looked… uncomfortable.

“He…was my everything, everything and more. He listened when no one else did, and I was always around when the others were happy to leave him alone. I… I…” Remus’ fingers plucked and pinched at his own skin for a moment, his nails digging in until redness seeped under his nails. His bottom lip was quivering, but even so, he didn’t allow himself to cry.  “I loved him, like I loved creating and destroying. I loved him like you love that jam of yours, and like how you love space and everything in it. I loved him… even after he left and…” Remus’ eyes nervously glanced up through his lashes to look back at Logan, locking eyes with him for the first time since they had entered the room. “Became you.”

The shock of Remus’ words slammed into Logan like a blunt force trauma as he stumbled back a few steps, until his back was firmly pressed against the dresser.

For a second the logical side choked on his own tongue as his eyes widened incredibly wide as he gawked at Remus, “I am-” He choked again, his breathing coming out in even rasps as his chest painfully clenched, his fingers dug into the material of his shirt right over his heart that was slamming wildly against his ribs threatening to shatter each and every one of them. Before he even knew it he was sliding down, and before he even knew it Remus was crouching right in front of him with his icy cold fingers cupping Logan’s face. “I can’t be!” He gasped out, the words coming out strangled, “I’m not.. I’m Logan.. I’m Logic!” He wanted to wrench his face away from Remus’ hands, to thump his head back against the dresser and render himself unconscious. But at the same time… he wanted to sink into the others embrace, he wanted to be held by nobody else but Remus and hyperventilate in his arms.

“You are,” The creative side looked so sad as he confirmed this, “You were Apathy, his name was Logan, and you are Logan. You might be Logic now… but you were Apathy.” He hurriedly explained, as if the moment that he stopped talking Logan would just fade away into the dust that made up Apathy’s room. “You were changed, you want to know why you can’t remember some things? It was done to you!” Logan struggled to wrench his head away from Remus, so that he wouldn’t have to hear this… any of this. “Listen to me!” His voice cracked openly, as he shook Logan roughly attempting to get the words through his thick skull. “Why are you so scared of Patton?”

Ice coated Logan’s insides.

“Are you going to kill me?” He could remember asking, willing to accept death if it had meant Remus and the others would be making it out okay. He had already lost so many. Spite. Despair. Carelessness. Depression. Doubt. All of them… all of them gone in an instant, only he, Remus, Deceit, and Anxiety remained.

And Morality had already taken Anxiety for himself. Their little stormcloud… gone and hating all of them for no other reason than because it suited Morality.

“Oh no,” Morality fiddled with the end sleeves of his cardigan, as if that would distract from what was about to happen. As if that would take away from what he had done. “We’re in need of a new Logic right about now, and honestly…” Morality’s smile had gleamed like that of a shark’s before sinking its teeth into its prey. “You fit the bill pretty well, don’t you? You’re smart obviously, with your neato glasses and fancy lookin tie. You’re just missing one thing now…”

“The memories”

“No!” Logan pitched forward ripping himself out of the terrible memories that he didn’t want, his fingers sinking into Remus’ shirt as he openly sobbed, the influx of emotions tore at his insides as his teeth chattered together. Even the overall calmness of the room couldn’t help him now as he sobbed and sobbed with no end in sight. He didn’t want to believe it, he didn’t want to believe that Patton of all people was capable of any of those things, that he could… hurt him the way that he did. But… as much as he didn’t like it, the memories were there, Remus was here in a bedroom that wouldn’t be here if Apathy was truly dead, and the fact of his feelings even told him… Patton could not be trusted no matter what. Tears drenched his cheeks as he pressed his face into Remus’ neck, undoubtedly soaking the material of his shirt as well as his skin. But right now… he could have cared less.

“Shhhh, shhhhh…” Remus ran his hand up and down Logan’s back, mouthing the words into his hair as he rocked them both back and forth. “Shhh…” He whispered curling as much of himself around Logan as he possibly could in that one moment, feeling nothing more than the shaking jitters as Logan’s sobs eventually subsided. Guilt gnawed at him, he had always wanted Logan to remember who he was, and where he had come from. But this.. seeing Logan completely break down like this… He never wanted Logan to remember if it was going to hurt him the way that it was now, it hurt.. it hurt seeing him this distraught over things that had already come to pass.

But there wasn’t exactly anything that he could do about it, not now.. not now that Logan was already remembering more and more.

Logan sniffled, as he wiped away at his tears, attempting to clear the wetness from his face as he blearily looked up at Remus. Opening his mouth, he struggled to find the words that he needed to say, or just the words that either of them needed to hear. But nothing came out, just what could he say? There was so much that he didn’t understand, so much that he wished that he didn’t remember, and yet… so much that he was glad for remembering. What could he say that would sum up all of that? Logically speaking, there wouldn’t be enough words to sum all of that up, so maybe h-

A tug jolted at the very core of his being.

“I’m being summoned!” Logan blurted the words out, so… as far as the first words went after a major revelation… not too good. “I.. I need my tie, and.. and my glasses.” He rambled, scrambling up from Remus’ intoxicating hold on him, he wanted nothing more than to stay here with him and pretend that the others didn’t exist. But… Thomas was calling him, and he needed to show up looking as presentable as he always did. If he didn’t… then.. then…

In an instant Remus was scrambling away, seizing something from the top of the nightstand by the bed. “Here!” The creative side shoved two items into his hands with an equal amount of importance and urgency that Logan was feeling.

A bright white tie, and a pair of wire-thin glasses stared back at him, the tug at his core pulled even more impatiently. Right now, he was entirely out of options, not that he would turn these items away, not with how gingerly Remus had handled them and not with how well kept they appeared. The white fabric felt almost silky against his fingers, as he slipped the tie around his neck swiftly tying the knot at the base of his throat. Slipping the glasses on, a feeling of sheer relief swept through him. They felt… perfect. Not too big, not too clunky, and most certainly not ill-fitting. It felt… just right, for once in his life, like the ill-sitting suit he had been forced to wear was gone and discarded.

There was an unreadable expression on Remus’ pink stained face, but Logan couldn’t linger on that for too much longer as his core tugged again and again. Thomas was getting impatient, so standing in the middle of the room that felt more like home than anything else… Logan acted.

Seizing the front of Remus’ shirt, he jerked him forward, their lips met in a messy collision, as Logan’s teeth knocked against Remus’ and as Remus let out a startled choking noise. But not before seizing Logan’s cheeks, their lips moving seamlessly against one another as the creative side backed him against the dresser, physically holding him there as Remus nipped at his bottom lip. The sound that Logan made was completely and utterly embarrassing, as his fingers raked through Remus’ hair and if possible that action only spurred Remus on for a few more seconds. As his teeth nipped and nibbled at the side of Logan’s throat, making a warmth cascade through him, unlike anything he had ever felt before.

“Be careful,” Remus hissed into his ear, before giving it a sloppy kiss and backing away.

And Logan… well, Logan didn’t really know how to respond to that, as he mutely nodded before swallowing thickly. It was only when he felt the tug again that he finally sank down, his view of the room and Remus, in turn, fading away as he did. He… he didn’t want to go. He wanted to stay there for hours, or maybe even forever, with Remus, be it resuming their rather heated kiss, or just laying next to one another in an area where they had clearly shared so many memories. He didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to see the others, let alone P-

“Logan!” Patton’s smile was sharp and cold, as he rose up amongst the others. “You had us worried with how much you made us wait.” The moral side’s gaze froze at the sight of his tie, as his jaw clenched and ground together, if it was possible his gaze seemed that much more frigid at the sight of the tie and his new glasses. Regardless, Logan fearlessly met his gaze, a fire roaring inside of him. “What’s that? A new wardrobe change already? Is everything alright? You look a little… off.”

The truth burned on Logan’s tongue.

[solvskrift]

Harry’s mental health + suicidal ideation

(Obviously this post deals with sensitive topics, please be careful.)

Okay, I realize most fans would automatically say that Harry James Potter was definitely not suicidal. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, though, and some things in canon have stuck with me. To be clear, he was obviously never shown to be at the point of orchestrating his own death (with the exception of giving himself up in Deathly Hallows, which of course was an entirely different category of this), but I think there's evidence that points to him dealing with passive suicidal ideation on more than one occasion:

"Let's go," called Hermione from halfway up the stone steps. "This isn't right, Harry, come on, let's go...."

She sounded scared, much more scared than she had in the room where the brains swam, yet Harry thought the archway had a kind of beauty about it, old though it was. The gently rippling veil intrigued him; he felt a very strong inclination to climb up on the dais and walk through it.

"Harry, let's go, okay?" said Hermione more forcefully.

"Okay," he said, but he did not move.

- OotP, The Department of Mysteries

This particular bit where he feels an urge to walk through the veil illustrates something compelling and incredibly sad about his character. He doesn’t know what the veil is yet, only that he feels a strong pull towards it. There’s something JKR said once about Harry that’s always stuck in my mind:

"I wanted there to be a debate there, so of my three main characters – when they come into the room which examines death at the Ministry of Magic – Hermione, the ultimate sceptic and a hyper-rational person, hears nothing behind the veil and is scared of it. Ron is just uneasy...Harry’s drawn to it, and therein lies Harry’s slightly reckless, almost morbid streak, because Harry does have a hint of that dangerous adolescent trait which is the attraction to death.”

He’s lost his parents, his entire family, and therefore has a closer, more complicated relationship with death than most of his friends (except for Luna, who has also lost a parent and could hear voices beyond the veil just like Harry, though she did not appear to want to walk through it like he did).

“Harry, suffering like this proves you are still a man! This pain is part of being human —”

“THEN — I — DON’T — WANT — TO — BE — HUMAN!” Harry roared, and he seized one of the delicate silver instruments from the spindle-legged table beside him and flung it across the room. It shattered into a hundred tiny pieces against the wall. Several of the pictures let out yells of anger and fright, and the portrait of Armando Dippet said, “Really!”

“I DON’T CARE!” Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE —”

- OotP, The Lost Prophecy

We’ve all seen this horrifically heart-wrenching scene quoted a billion times by now, but if you just stop and take it in? What Harry is actually saying? He’s a fifteen-year-old kid and he’s reached his limit. He can’t regulate his emotions at all at this point, and he’s literally begging for someone to end his suffering. LIKE? What the fuck.

“But they were not living, thought Harry: They were gone. The empty words could not disguise the fact that his parents' moldering remains lay beneath snow and stone, indifferent, unknowing. And tears came before he could stop them, boiling hot then instantly freezing on his face, and what was the point in wiping them off or pretending? He let them fall, his lips pressed hard together, looking down at the thick snow hiding from his eyes the place where the last of Lily and James lay, bones now, surely, or dust, not knowing or caring that their living son stood so near, his heart still beating, alive because of their sacrifice and close to wishing, at this moment, that he was sleeping under the snow with them.”

- DH, Godric's Hollow

Look, I can’t even break this one down, it’s too painful. Boy’s a mess. Someone just fucking hug him. Please.

He raised his wand, but a dull hopelessness was spreading through him: Fred was gone, and Hagrid was surely dying or already dead; how many more lay dead that he did not yet know about; he felt as though his soul had already half left his body....

"HARRY, COME ON!" screamed Hermione.

A hundred Dementors were advancing, gliding towards them, sucking their way closer to Harry’s despair, which was like a promise of a feast....

He saw Ron’s silver terrier burst into the air, flicker feebly and expire; he saw Hermione’s otter twist in mid-air and fade, and his own wand trembled in his hand, and he almost welcomed the oncoming oblivion, the promise of nothing, of no feeling....

And then a silver hare, a boar, and a fox soared past Harry, Ron, and Hermione’s heads: the Dementors fell back before the creatures' approach. Three more people had arrived out of the darkness to stand beside them, their wands outstretched, continuing to cast their Patronuses: Luna, Ernie and Seamus.

"That’s right," said Luna encouragingly, as if they were back in the Room of Requirement and this was simply spell practice for the DA. "That’s right, Harry ... come on, think of something happy...."

"Something happy?" he said, his voice cracked.

- DH, The Elder Wand

I know, they’re surrounded by Dementors and they’re in the middle of a battle and why wouldn’t anyone feel this way BUT it’s pretty clear Harry’s having the most trouble, even though he’s canonically the most capable of conjuring a Patronus. Fred has died, and Harry is convinced Hagrid has too, and that everyone else will before the night’s over, and he’s tired, and he honestly just doesn’t give a shit anymore? He literally just wants a Dementor to suck out his soul at this point? This is not okay???

He also shows a certain reluctance to return from his King's Cross limbo (you know, after he’s been murdered) given that it's so calm and peaceful compared to the pain and loss he constantly faces in life.

I think it's all but explicitly stated that Harry deals with PTSD and, perhaps less obviously, depression. At different points in books 5-7 (and even a few times in the earlier books) he's described as lying apathetically on his bed for long stretches of time, not eating, or feeling very listless and lethargic. He has a tendency to throw himself headlong into dangerous situations, especially when others are in danger, which I think is partially due to his natural personality, but which also hints at him considering others' lives inherently more valuable than his own, which is not surprising at all considering his abusive upbringing.

As the title of this blog post puts it - suicidal people don't want to die, they just want the pain to stop:

Blinded and dying, every part of him screaming for release, Harry felt the creature use him again....

"If death is nothing, Dumbledore, kill the boy...."

Let the pain stop, thought Harry. Let him kill us....End it, Dumbledore....Death is nothing compared to this....

And I'll see Sirius again....

- OotP, The Only One He Ever Feared

It’s not that Harry comes across as actively suicidal, more that he seems to view death as an appealing option rather more often than someone who is entirely mentally healthy. These thoughts appear more than once and seem to be a reoccurring theme. I don’t think he walked around constantly waiting to die. He’s a strong kid with a desire to survive, to be happy and normal even though that’s so often out of reach for him. But I do think he went through episodes of depression, maybe even more than he himself realized, and I think the trauma he went through and the losses he suffered led to an underlying pattern in his thoughts that tended strongly towards self-destruction. Like it was something in the back of his mind he never really acknowledged, and when he was particularly distressed or in pain it manifested in these heart-breaking pleas for the world to just let him die already, because death had to be better than his horrifyingly painful hellscape of a life.

Conclusion: Harry’s trauma and issues make me really fucking sad, and we should all talk about it.

[ambivalentmarvel]

!! Do you have any iron dad fic recs?

I sure do!!! In no particular order and with the given summaries attached, I’ll put them under the cut because this is probably going to be a Long Post. As with any fic, be sure you’re mindful of the tags/warnings on these.

Archetype by Bean_reads_fanfic 

Tony knows something is up when the research of ex-Hydra agents gets recycled in an underground Oscorp lab… what he doesn’t expect is the boy in a hospital gown sticking to the ceiling; or, how said boy proceeds to imprint on him like a baby duckling (a poor decision on his part, really). Did he mention he wasn’t intending on bringing home a kid that day?

What a fun and Wild ride!! A great combo of a long, well-plotted fic. In particular, I really enjoyed the involvement of Ned and MJ! Complete.

Holdfasts by Gruoch

“You know,” Tony says. “You could have just nabbed someone’s phone and called for help instead of hoofing it all the way over here.”

Peter is aghast by the suggestion. “Spider-Man doesn’t steal,” he replies, all righteous indignation. It would be cute, if he wasn’t actively bleeding to death all over Tony’s floor.

“You just said you weren’t suited up as Spider-Man when you got stabbed,” Tony points out.

“Peter Parker doesn’t steal, either,” the kid says firmly.

*********************

The problem, Tony thinks, is that the kid is just too good.

Look,, anything by this author is absolutely god tier but this was the first fic of theirs that I found and it’s,, such a good blend of angst and humor I Cannot Stress Enough how good it is. Complete.

Left In My Memories by tommohoran223

She shifts from one foot to the other, obviously nervous, both of her hands holding onto purple backpack straps.

“Um… can I help you?” Peter says, not unkindly, and looks up for a second to make sure there wasn’t anyone else with her. Nope, it was just her. He pulls the door open wider.

“Uh, yeah, um…” the girl stutters before taking a deep breath. “My name is Morgan, and I think you’re my brother.”

Or where Peter’s past catches up to him in the form of an eleven-year-old girl.

Want Morgan and Peter interaction without Endgame level depression? This is great!! The angst here,,, Magnificent. Peter loves Tony but cares too much and also MJ gets a baseball bat which is incredible. 10/10 and complete.

the second law of thermodynamics by four_leaf_chloe

It happens the same way it always does.

(It’s just discipline. It’s not that bad. It’s fine, Peter is fine, he’ll be fine–)

Except he really isn’t fine, and Tony knows something’s up, and Peter’s house of cards is falling apart, and so the story goes.

–

separate from other fics in the series. a recovery story full of soft irondad, found families, and (eventually) tons of fluff.

This one is dark but so well written. The author’s prose is so good, and this fic absolutely wrenches your heart out of your chest but also takes the time to flesh out the recovery process, so mad kudos to the author for that. WIP.

fall together by pheonix85

Peter Parker is five years old when his Uncle Ben is gunned down in a bodega down the block from the apartment where they live, just a year after being orphaned when his parents die in a plane crash.

Tony Stark is a genius, reckless, billionaire playboy on his 3rd DUI when a judge finally decides he can’t just pay his way out of it, and sentences him to Community Service.

May Parker is doing her best.

This makes my heart So Full and is also being continued into a series! This fic is the first part of it and is complete.

5 Times Everyone Thought Spider-Man was Iron Man’s Favorite Superhero by madasthesea

And one time he actually admitted it.

AKA: Tony and Peter’s relationship is so adorable, it keeps making the news.

This fic just!! Makes me so happy!! It’s absolutely delightful and coming back to it is a nice breather if I’ve been reading heavier material. This author in general is incredible, and in particular, I’d also really recommend this work of theirs. Both fics are complete.

The Third Option by Uncertainty_Principle

Homecoming A/U.

Ben and May divorced before Peter’s parents died, so when Ben is murdered Peter goes into foster care. It takes just a tiny taste of superpowers for Peter to decide he doesn’t want to put up with his horrible foster father anymore—the streets are infinitely more appealing. All he wants is to be Spider-Man anyway.

So he leaves.

Simple.

Simple, that is, until Iron Man needs Spider-Man’s help. Peter isn’t about to turn down an opportunity to fight alongside Tony Freaking Stark, but he also isn’t going to let his hero know that his recruit is a fifteen-year-old homeless dropout. So they strike a deal. Peter will help Tony. In return, the mask stays on.

And that’s when things get complicated.

Previously posted under username signofthree

DOES NOT AND WILL NEVER CONTAIN ENDGAME SPOILERS.

Look I know everyone knows this one but,, from the bottom of my heart,, , holy Shit. This is probably my favorite Marvel fic I’ve ever read and second favorite fic I’ve ever read. WIP.

Rare and Sweet as Cherry Wine by loubuttons

Tony can’t help himself – every time Peter bleeds, he bleeds too.

This fic is so beautiful and painful. I cannot commend the author enough for the picture they paint with how Tony’s past shapes his future and in particular, his interactions with Peter. Absolutely incredible. Complete.

What We Are by YellowDistress

This one is a series w/ bio dad Tony and it’s!! Wowza!! From beginning to end, this series is incredible. The author has some other great stuff too, and you should definitely check them out! Complete.

If You Can't Catch A Breath (You Can Take The Oxygen Straight Out Of My Own Chest) by losingmymindtonight

hnnng this just?? is such a horrifying concept and is executed so well I really can’t commend the author enough like,, Wow Dude. Complete.

This is just a small, small sampling of the incredible works out there w/ Tony and Peter, and while I’ll likely make more recs later, this is a sampling of some of those fics that I personally enjoyed! Thank you to every author listed here and in general that takes the time to write such incredible stories for everyone to read; we wouldn’t be here without you! As a side note, for this list of recs I left out some of the darker/angstier pieces (esp those that are well written but don’t have endings as hopeful as many of these) I’ve enjoyed for the sake of this being palatable to a wider audience, but if anyone wants a list of those, let me know!

[happymetalgirl]

5 Albums I Missed in 2017

I was pretty pleased with the thoroughness with which I covered the output of metal in this blog’s first year last year, all other obstacles that popped up considered.

This year has already been better; I’ve covered more music and in more depth, and I’ve had less in my way this year it seems. I was trying to do this piece in a more extensive series, or just one monster post, around June. But metal had a substantially prolific mid-year and my own academic obligations of course reared their head again, so after pushing it out again and again, I decided to just trim it down to one regular post.

These are just a few albums from last year that I either didn’t hear or just didn’t didn’t get around to writing about.

Steel Panther - Lower the Bar

I was kinda-sorta planning on giving the album a listen. I had always respected Steel Panther for their commitment to their very comedic act of satirizing one of metal’s most widely acknowledged embarrassments (80′s hair metal), but I never really followed them too closely because I thought their act wouldn’t be around for long. And the repeated release delays their fourth album suffered from cast an unfavorable light upon it and led me away from it.

Buuuuuut, fast forward to this year and the band’s guitarist, Satchel, has the joke police knocking on his door for naming a guitar effects pedal the “Pussy Melter”, and simply out of principle for my not wanting to see comedy needlessly suffer, I decided to listen to Lower the Bar, with my expectations exactly where the album told me to place them. And honestly, I was pretty entertained throughout the course of the album. Yes, the subject matter is obviously juvenile, but that’s kind of the point: to take the piss at all the dumb hedonism and comically goofy masculine posturing that metal likes to not talk about having happened 30+ years ago. And the piss the band takes is an accurate, no-spray stream right into the bowl; the mockery they make of hair metal is clearly a loving one, a parody coming from fans, well aware of hair metal’s ridiculousness, of the groups who spearheaded the genre. The performances are tight from the glamorously narcissistic guitar solos to the glorious quasi-operatic vocal highs, and the consistently well-constructed lyrics that take the band’s light-hearted joking beyond toilet humor and middle-school-tier sex jokes and into a condensed comedic embodiment of all that was wrong, and all that was intoxicating at its time, with hair metal.

Adrenaline Mob - We the People

Post-Portnoy Adrenaline Mob still aren’t exactly hard rock or classic heavy metal heavyweights at this point, but We the People was an album whose strongest moments (“Til the Head Explodes”, “King of the Ring”, the indulgently heavy “Ignorance & Greed”, and the extremely Dio-esque “The Blind Leading the Blind”) have stuck with me since its undercooked political message left me with simply not enough I felt like I wanted to say about it. The band have MVP Russel Allen’s emphatic vocal presence to thank for what character this album does have, despite its basic and often formulaic writing (especially in its first half). I had seen so many people hail this as a stunning ascension from what their first two albums brought, but I honesty didn’t hear what was so special about this album, and I still don’t really. After the death of bassist David Zablidowsky, I just didn’t feel like detracting from what silver lining of critical praise the band could look to for comfort after losing Zablidowsky so tragically.

Venenum - Trance of Death

I arrived about a year late to this debut album’s party, and it was the first album that made me want to really make this piece, not because its a particularly ground-breaking piece, but because it fills the space it does so thoroughly. 

Trance of Death is a mostly blackened death metal project, but with its black metal influences coming largely from nihilistic ambient black metal and DSBM. Taking death metal into more depressive territories without diluting its power, Veneum debut with one of the most oddly ambient death metal pieces I have ever heard, and they make their appeal not simply on the tokenism or mild novelty of the sound. Trance of Death is magnificently written and complete with strangely eerie black metal ambiance that sounds more rooted in death metal grandiosity than psychological torment, readily armed with fierce riffs that jolt away from the dark serenity of, and even proggy pieces like the instrumental second installment and the sprawling third installment of the titular trilogy of songs that comprises the album’s second half. There exist even hints of doomy sludge at some moments on the album. It’s a perplexing, but thrilling listen, and I wish I had heard it sooner, because it has distracted me from many albums this year. 

This is the kind of debut most bands hoping to carve out their own niche hope to achieve, one that both presents their sound in a fascinating manner, but without expanding all their creativity and leaving plenty to be explored on what’s to come, which I will definitely be looking forward to.

Ne Obliviscaris - Urn

I had heard so much ranting and raving over Ne Obliviscaris in the years before this album, and I decided to see what all the hype was about earlier this year after seeing the accolades Urn had received. So when I heard what I thought was some pretty standard progressive metal with flashes of black metal on Urn, I had to figure out what I was missing, it had to be something.

After repeatedly not being convinced of its apparent genius I took a lot of time away from it and came back again earlier this year, ultimately to similar results. Not entirely as epic as it’s convinced it is, Urn is certainly not short of theatrical bombast and instrumental proficiency, but it throws all its ingredients in the same bowl at the same time and mashes everything together in a recognizably messy and undazzling soup of proggy bits and death metal with a dry personality. It reminds me of Rivers of Nihil’s new album this year, minus the thrilling energy and the emotional diversity that helped a physical copy of that album into my collection. Urn is like the shy version of that album. The two-part song that leads the album exemplifies the album’s dilemma, reeling in hazy progressive death metal strangely droning and devoid of direction. And it only gets a little bit better on the closing song pair.

Bell Witch - Mirror Reaper

I wanted so badly to discuss this album when it came out, but October was a turbulent enough time for me last year, and being that Mirror Reaper was born out of and mournfully embodied the tragic loss of drummer Adrian Guerra, and in such a unique way, I had to give it time and even by the end of the year I hadn’t really found the word for it. And to a great degree I still don’t. It’s a slow and incredibly sorrowful album that doesn’t necessarily cultivate a type of patience while listening, but demands it. It’s a single 83-minute opus and one built of solidarity and fortitude in the face of grave tragedy. And in a fitting manner, its lyrics don’t gush tears theatrically or even turn Dylan Desmond’s focus inward. Its melancholy and its focus on the slowness of time that the music matches and the coldness that brings all to a frozen standstill of mournful petrification reveal an honesty in the approach to this album’s creative process and Dylan Desmond’s approach to Bell Witch’s present and future.

On one hand, I grappled with feeling like I was disrespecting this album by relegating it to this list, but on the other I wanted to express how much it’s come to mean to me now. The death of a bandmate is a traumatic moment for nearly every group that experiences it, but in a band of only two members, the casualty that leaves the other alone yields a different aftermath. I wasn’t really much of a Bell Witch fan before this album, but the strength with which it stood its ground in tribute to Guerra was something I couldn’t ignore and eventually became enraptured by. Having already been on the creative trajectory of focusing on mourning through funeral doom metal, having a close and personal real life experience of loss has certainly made Bell Witch’s already-somber dirges more gut-wrenching to the point of being uncomfortable. But the strength with which Mirror Reaper approaches such a close death, it’s impossible not to admire and I can’t say enough to do its solemn beauty justice.

[headlineawards]

2018 Headline Winners [Fic Awards, Giles]

Giles Fiction Awards

The Watcher Watch Award  [Best gen., Giles]

Winner - Second Sight by Il_mio_capitano “A wonderful story that grips you right from the start and doesn't let you go until you've read it all. Delightfully sarcastic humour paired with an original and suspenseful plot, what's not to like? But even more praiseworthy are the outstandingly three-dimensional characters. There's Randall - hilarious, irresponsible, infuriating, inventive, a loyal friend and an absolute moron, he practically jumps out of the page straight away. There's Giles' dad, not simply grumpy but with so many nuances and unobtrusively scattered background information, he too feels like a complete and real person. His obsession with the exact time sort of bookends the story instead of just being a random meaningless quirk. And, of course, Giles' glorious grandmother, obviously the source of the family sarcasm and such a force of nature despite her blindness - which is in itself another example of the endless richness of details in this exceptional work. Amazing.”

Runner-up - The Uxbridge English Dictionary by DHW “The Uxbridge English Dictionary affectionately captures the Season 3 Giles/Wesley rivalry in all of its obnoxious glory. Wesley’s pompous interior monologue is perfectly rendered in his battle of wits with Giles. It’s a delight to see Giles’ playful side come out in the course of the game, only to be met with unexpected comeuppance.”

The Twosome of Cuteness Award  [Best romance, Giles]

Winner - Believe it Or Not (The Courtship of Rupert Giles Remix) by Thecarlysutra “What made Rupert different than Wesley? We know Rupert left home and took up with a bad crowd, but what was the impetus? Thecarlysutra's ‘Believe It or Not (The Courtship of Rupert Giles remix)’ gives us a convincing answer. We're impressed by the slow transformation of Rupert's character, from a boy excited to study the Slayer close up who, as Veronique notes is “not to me like the type that gets in trouble” to a kid who's willing to take actions that might get him into trouble with his father, and finally ending up as a young man who punches the Council leader before walking out the door. Veronique turned him into a man; the Council, by killing their Slayer, made him into Ripper. That's really well done and we can see it happening that way. The characterizations are excellent. The Council ignore Veronique but she's obviously thinking for herself right from the start. Her first words dress down the head of the Council for calling her Veronica rather than Veronique. What we found most impressive were the differing worldviews. The Council sees Slayers as temporary, like milk or fruit. Veronique describes herself as something that might not last long but improves with age, as cheese and wine. Rupert fears her impermanence and denies it. When his father confronts him, saying he'll be a widower before twenty, we see the first hints of Ripper's rage: “Rupert could feel the rage pumping through his veins, spreading through his body like disease. His hands shook.” Rupert, changing, is caught halfway between her viewpoint and the Council's but, lacking her fear of loss, is caught up in rage. Wow! We also adore the descriptions, particularly of the first sword fight between Rupert and Veronique. How his style, more like logic than fighting, is no match for Veronique who “began like a flamenco dancer, her body curving, drawing into the air, spinning away. Her bare feet were soundless on the teak floors, and the gauzy material of her dress blurred the silhouette of her body; it was like fighting a ghost.” That's an amazing description and we can see where Ripper got his fighting skills from. Veronique's time may have been short but she changed Rupert, as a fighter, as a lover, as a human.”

Runner-up - Kids Today by Quaggy “We adore how the feelings that Buffy and Giles share for each other are revealed slowly but lead inevitably to the ending. At the start, we learn that Buffy had been made younger, taken back to a pre-Slayer age, in the middle of a battle. Giles, thinking she was dying, had been first to her side and she'd calmed when she saw him before passing out. Giles had been so devastated by the thought that he'd seen her third and final death that he'd killed everyone who'd had a part in it, but Buffy hadn't died. Giles cares so much that he leaves the details of giving Buffy a new identity to the rest of the Scoobies so that he can remain at Buffy's side while she's in the hospital. He brings her daisies and reads from her favorite books. Buffy's comment that Anne wouldn't have thought Cordelia was such a romantic name if she'd met their Cordy is a lovely detail as is the idea that the Scythe reinstates Buffy's Slayer powers, allowing her to heal from a death wound. The Scoobies are surprised when Buffy asserts herself, saying that Giles has to be at high-school with her – for training purposes of course – but Giles thinks he's put himself at a disadvantage by showing Buffy that he's her most loyal ally. In fact, he's shown her that he cares and to be by Buffy's side is not a disadvantage at all. He's thrilled that she wants him there. What a sweet story.”

The Good Squirm Award  [Best smut, Giles]

Winner - Crossing Lines by Littleotter73 “Buffy and Giles are both perfectly characterized in ‘Crossing Lines’. It is extremely well written from beginning to end, starting off with a power struggle between the two of them as partners in the office. It isn't long before a bold move by Buffy leads to a discovery of their mutual desires to be partners outside of the office as well, leading to a steamy office hook up. At the conclusion they find a resolution both personally and professionally, solidifying their relationship.”

Runner-up - Confluence by DHW “There's a lot going on in this part of the "Sanctuary" series! We get of course a sizzling D/s scene, in which Giles proves once more that he's the world's classiest Dom. But we also see a very different kind of sex - without rules and without hiding behind their made-up names it's new and strange for both Buffy and Giles, but no less enjoyable for the reader. The characters' voices are especially well written. Their banter is delightful and feels just really "them". Conflict sneaks in when Giles, typically, resolves that Buffy would be much better off without him, but she's having none of it. The dispute culminates in a powerful scene in which Giles literally strips (and metaphorically too), displaying a heartbreaking mix of vulnerability and defiance. So good!! We can't wait until the last part of this captivating series is out.”

The Dark Age Award  [Best dark, Giles]

Winner - All Set Down by Destoto-hia873 “We are thrilled to give the award to Destoto-hia873 for ‘All Set Down’. This story is amazing. First, the mislead works incredibly well. You think you're reading about things you already know, just embellished with more details and more insight than the series offered, and that would have been a great fic in itself, but then the subtle hints that something's different, something gone even more wrong than in canon can no longer be ignored and suddenly this is no longer simply sad but alarming. Second, the build-up of suspense works well. Alternating the scenes between past and present is a brilliant move. It allows the story to drop small clues, Giles' actions after the event, and keep the reveal of what went before until the next to last scene. For example, Giles is covered in her blood, which isn't canon. Washing his “reddened hands” can't help but bring up shades of Lady Macbeth suggesting guilt. Giles hanging crucifixes and performing the uninvite spell is a fascinating clue. Obviously, he's keeping out both Angel and Spike, but we know that Spike's very protective of Dawn. The pair of caskets might be the most exceptional of the clues. We know someone has died and the clues are there, but we don't want to accept that it's Dawn. Wow! Third, the characterizations are spot on. This is exactly what Giles would have done in this situation. Every thought, every word, every movement, every action, it's all perfectly him. Watching Dawn's growing realization, that Buffy's death has not closed the portal and what must happen next, is heart-wrenching. It's devastating to see her come to the conclusion Giles has already arrived at, especially seeing her bravery and watching Giles be undone by her trust. I cried then.”

Runner-up - Epilogues by DHW “’Epilogues’ is a well-crafted story with a bittersweet heart. The writing style offers a rich background of sounds and smells and descriptions, but in a very natural way that never distracts or stops the flow. We adore how the first and final scenes bookend the story, how the similarity of structure in the language of the two scenes frame the story and highlight the change that has taken place in Giles' life. We love how the facts are uncovered bit by bit by bit, never revealing too much, but never drawing it out for too long either. For example, when we first meet Mr. Edmund Fairweather, there is nothing to tie him to Giles other than the fact that Buffy is happy to see him. In the next scene, the description reminds us of Giles and we're told that the three translators working there, although the same age, are “former students of one era or another” and that Fairweather “has the air of an ever so slightly unkempt Professor, though much too young”. However, it's not until he recognizes Buffy, until he slams his hand on the desk when she starts to say his name, that we're sure he's Giles. It's tough to see Giles depressed and downright suicidal. The night Faith was killed - a truly traumatic experience - appears to be the origin of his mental state, all the clues seem to point towards it, the nightmares, the guilt... So, the shocking reveal that it's actually the other way round, that he felt this way all along and his attempt to end his life was what caused Faith to die in the first place, feels like a kick to the gut. The hints of Giles' attraction to Buffy are fantastic. A fave is when she first comes to his office. He doesn't see anything but her. He misses the tome she's holding until she hands it over. We like how the story plays with the idea of fate. At the start, a quote from Aristotle sums up the author's point: Choice, not chance, determines your destiny. But throughout the story both Giles and Buffy think of their choices as fate. For example, Buffy, thinking of the passage that led her to Giles, assumes it can have only one meaning, that “Giles is to come home, and she is to guide him.” However, her very next thought comes up with another option: “Or, should she fail, he will sink into his new life and forget there ever was a man named Rupert, or a girl named Buffy.” Giles comes up with a third meaning: fate is calling him to his death. Both Buffy and Giles feel as if they're being pulled by fate until after he's suicided, until after she knows what he's been fleeing all those years. And then she makes a new choice, to let him die, at least on paper, so he can finally be free of the Council. But at the end, the prophecy has been fulfilled: Hysminai, the Slayer, guides. Peace follows.”

The Rather British Award  [Best characterization, Giles]

Winner - The Need to Believe by Anyjay “Very well written. The author does a fantastic job of portraying Giles's sadness and remorse for not only what was done to Buffy, but for what had happened in the past. Leading to a very touching moment between Giles and Buffy in which they reconcile after the cruciamentum.”

Runner-up - Believe it Or Not (The Courtship of Rupert Giles Remix) by Thecarlysutra “This story is full of love and heartbreak. The author does a fantastic job of getting inside Giles's head as a youth when he meets his father's slayer. It also helps to fill in the gaps as to why Giles chose to disobey the council and interfere with Buffy's cruciamentum.”

The You Were the One I Loved Award  [Fan favorite, Giles]

Winner - Second Sight by Il_mio_capitano

Runner-up - Dénouement by Quaggy

[neglectedrainbow]

Olivia Puckett as Zoe Murphy

Here, I’m gonna analyze and describe Olivia Puckett’s performance as Zoe Murphy, and the ways in which it differed from Laura Dreyfuss’s. Enjoy!

First of all, Olivia Puckett is a blessing to us all. I love her so much (have you seen her Instagram stories?!) you all have no idea. She was so sweet, so good.

I’ll start from the beginning. Instantly, right as she entered during “Anybody Have a Map” her differences with Laura Dreyfuss were evident. She slouched in her chair, her foot giggling under the table. Also, with Connor, her dialogue was lighter, in a way. She delivered the “He’s definitely high” line almost jokingly, like she was just this younger sister poking fun at her brother. It wasn’t disapproving and harsh the way Laura’s delivery felt.

Even while they were exchanging “Fuck you’s!” they seemed more like siblings messing around than two extremely damaged teenagers taking out their anger on each other. It honestly felt like a normal sibling relationship. She wasn’t even yelling, and neither was Mike Faist. It wasn’t mean or anything. It was. Good.

Even when she marched off the stage, proclaiming that she’d leave without Connor if he doesn’t spead up, I felt as though she wouldn’t leave without him. Like that was yet another joke. No big deal. Like she’d wait in the driveway for him to come, and maybe give him a bit of a hard time about it all later, but that they’d laugh about it next week or something.

Then, she met Evan. She rushed over to him in the middle of WTAW, and he instantly recoiled, his shoulders turning inwards, his eyes on the ground, his hands twitching. She seemed genuinely concerned. Her voice was low, and she seemed to purposefully stay away from him, almost fearful of scaring him, while simultaneously wanting to be closer.

When she called Connor “a psychopath,” it sounded like she was angry with Connor for pushing Evan, who obviously didn’t deserve anything, but wasn’t disgusted or hateful. She didn’t sound like she hated Connor. Or even really disliked him. Just has a stereotypical teenage sibling relationship that’s a bit edgy.

When she walked away-- “Okay...Jose…” --she turned around and looked back at Evan before leaving, almost fondly. It almost gave me the impression that this crush was requited, and perhaps had been for some time. That Evan’s love for Zoe wasn’t one-sided, that Zoe didn’t grow into liking Evan throughout the musical, but actually, in fact, liked him before it even began.

She entered, again, before “For Forever” and I could see a physical change that occurred in her during the 10 minutes or so she was off-stage. I could almost see her lose Connor, in that entrance. As she noticed Evan’s presence, she didn’t ask “Why is he here” like “Why is this weird kid in our house” but more like “Why is Evan, who I talked to in the hallway a few days ago, here?”

Throughout the dinner before “For Forever,” she did this leg jiggle again. Which was. So fascinating. She had these particular ticks, ones which almost mirrored Evan’s. They seemed like two pieces of the same pie, in their own peculiar way. Simply, if Olivia Puckett announces one day that Zoe Murphy has a minor anxiety disorder, I would believe her in a heartbeat.

When she retorted about good times with Connor, saying that “There were no good times!” she didn’t sound like a possibly abused sibling. She sounded almost angry with herself, as though she was wondering why she didn’t notice something was wrong with Connor, as though she wished she’d tried harder. She didn’t sound like someone who was wronged and was furious, she sounded like someone who was remembering her entire childhood and trying to pinpoint where everything went wrong.

Laura’s Zoe seemed like a young person who suddenly lost control over seemingly everything in her life, someone who was almost drowning. Olivia’s Zoe seemed like a young person who had just temporarily misplaced control, someone who was floating just above the water’s surface.

During “Requiem,” Olivia cried, actually cried, which is something Laura definitely did not do. 

The whole “You were not the monster that I knew” thing was much less believable. But the “You’ve given me my brother back. Thank you.” thing at the end of “You Will Be Found” was so. much. more. believable.

I really felt for Olivia’s Zoe. “Requiem” was when I started crying fully during this performance, rather than during “You Will Be Found” (which normally what gets me). I felt her loss so deeply and profoundly, like she was taking the whole audience on this journey with her.

She truly seemed to mourn Connor, to have loved her brother. She seemed so devastated during “If I Could Tell Her” that she never got to tell Connor what she thought. 

It was just a different kind of loss.

As well, her relationship with Evan was so vastly different. She seemed to be more interested in him specifically and less interested in his connection with her brother. At the end of “You Will Be Found” when she kissed Evan the second time, she kept a hand on his when he pulled away. When he kissed her back, she wrapped her arms around him and like hug-kissed him. In the boot, with Laura Dreyfuss, Evan leaned Zoe into her back on the bed. 

The opposite happened here, with Zoe really taking control of their kissing, pushing Evan into the bed.

Also, during “Only Us” she put a hand on either side of Evan’s face and held him so softly when she sang “We can’t compete with all that” rather than motioning with one hand (see: Laura and Ben’s performance of “Only Us” on Seth Meyers). There was a part where she sat on Evan’s bed and Evan kneeled before her, and she held both of his hands between hers.

They held hands whenever they were together after that, honestly. During “Only Us,” Zoe normally kisses Evan once, at the very end of the song. Here, Olivia kissed Ben three (3) times. Twice while singing and once at the end of the song.

I cannot over-exaggerate the softness in her eyes when she looked at him. In all honestly, y’all, I felt myself really loving their relationship, which isn’t something I did beforehand. 

With Laura’s Zoe, I never would recommend Zoe and Evan being together for their own health. With Olivia’s Zoe, if they had met under different circumstances, if Evan hadn’t lied, I firmly believe that they could’ve had a healthy and happy relationship.

And the kegger skit!!! OMG!! She did the same dorky voice that Evan did with “til your mom gets home” when she said “in three hours!!” and they laughed. They laughed a lot.

It was so interesting to see almost Ben’s reactions as an actor to what Olivia was giving him. This was only the second time they’d ever done the show together in those characters, and it must’ve been so unusual to what he had been doing for the past hundred or so performances.

Zoe was so sweet? And? So strong? And never once mean to Evan? With Olivia, the whole “you don’t have to keep saying sorry….I was a little impressed, you ruined it” thing wasn’t as weird? It didn’t feel uncomfortable. It felt like: Zoe liked soft Evan, who apologizes all the time, she just wanted him to be comfortable enough around her to not feel like he had to apologize, rather than wanting him to change.

She felt like a young girl, who had suffered an immense loss, who was coping as best as she possibly could. She wasn’t some semi-popular girl who Evan liked purely because he thought she was hot (neither, of course, is Laura’s Zoe, or any form of Zoe, in fact). She was a multi-dimensional person who existed in her own right outside of anyone else. There was no room to see her as anyone else.

When she found out about Evan’s lie, it was almost more devastating. 

I would have believed her if she had said she loved Evan. 

Laura’s Zoe was angry and possibly depressed. She was desperate to grab a hold onto anything in her life, her life which was quickly spiraling out of control before her eyes. There, Evan seemed like the perfect person to grab onto, someone that was malleable and almost willing to be controlled.

Olivia’s Zoe felt in-control, like she knew what she was doing and knew where she would be in ten years, she just wasn’t there quite yet.

She obviously loved Connor and was mourning his death, but there didn’t seem to be as much guilt involved.

In her final scene, where she met Evan at the orchard, she, like Evan, seemed to have also gone through a metamorphosis. She seemed to have grown so much, and she held her head higher, too, just like Evan. To me, Zoe is a lead character, sharing the female lead title with Heidi Hansen, rather than a supporting character.

I love Laura Dreyfuss with my entire heart and soul, and her Zoe was a very particular character as well. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact differences between her Zoe and Olivia’s Zoe, because they are both truly incredible. Both woman are powerhouses of whom I will forever be in awe. Both portrayals make Zoe a fascinating, dynamic, complex, female character, one that is much, much more than a love interest or plot point. She, in some aspects, feels like the beating heart of the show. It’s hard to put my connection with her into words.

Again, like I said with Michael Lee Brown’s Jared vs. Will Roland’s Jared, neither performance was better. Both are heart-wrenching and powerful and conveyed a message to the audience, reached out and grabbed our hearts in their hands. Both are incredible. Just very, very different.

Essentially, Olivia Puckett’s performance was incredible. Unbelievable actually. Any desire to not want to see the understudies is pointless and wrong, let me tell you. This entire cast and entire crew are the most talented people I’ve ever seen.

[katieistotallywrite]

Disney Marathon: Golden Age (1937-1942)

I’m a huge fan of Disney movies, so I thought it would be fun to marathon them all with my two best friends. Before we eventually get to Pixar and other films, I wanted to start with the currently 56 animated film canon. We recently completed the first 5 Disney films, so I thought I’d talk about my opinions on them. I can’t say when I’ll do more since it’s so hard for me and my friends to all get together, but I’ll post as soon as we finish another particular era of the films.

The first five are from what many call the Golden Age(though there’s debate about the movies up to and including Jungle Book being part of it too), also known as the Tar and Sugar Era because of the huge contrasts between the cutesy and sweet moments and the dark and depressing moments, more than any other era of Disney. Here are my thoughts:

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937):

The first full-length hand-drawn animated film and the first animated film in color(not the first animated film ever like Disney claims)is a huge legacy to have. It’s an incredibly innovative and important film not just in animated history, but film history, and even now, many people consider it THE greatest animated film of all time. Eeehhhhhh...

I like Snow White, don’t get me wrong, but I respect it more than I do like it. I can definitely appreciate what Snow White did for animation since it probably wouldn’t be the same without it. And for 1937, the animation in this movie is still beautiful, even now. It doesn’t look 30s, but it certainly sounds it. The songs and character voices are very of their time, ESPECIALLY Snow White herself. I can’t stand this girl’s voice. It’s so shrill. And out of all the Disney Princesses, she’s probably the least progressive other than Aurora from Sleeping Beauty. I do find the dwarfs very likable though. They’re definitely the best part of this movie. The movie also doesn’t have a very focused plot either; it has a lot of filler. That’s not a bad thing mind you, but it is something I’ve noticed that’s apparent through a lot of the earlier Disney films. It’s a good movie, but not a great movie in my opinion. It’s my fourth favorite of the Golden Age.

Pinocchio (1940)

I fucking love this movie. Pinocchio was a huge improvement over Snow White in every way, at least in my opinion. Of all of the movies in this era, Pinocchio had the most focus on its plot. Sure, it had filler, but much less and in much shorter time. I love all the characters in this movie, from Pinocchio, to Jiminy Cricket, to even the many villains in this movie who never get their comeuppance. This movie exemplifies the Tar of the Tar and Sugar era, being not only one of the darkest films of the era, but of the entire Disney canon. The donkey transformation scene alone is enough for me to not want to show it to a younger child, but it is an awesomely freaky scene. And of course it gives us what has become the anthem of Disney, When You Wish Upon a Star, which is such a beautiful, inspirational song.

Not to mention the animation in Pinocchio, even now, is simply amazing. The character animation and the backgrounds are so well crafted and beautiful. Seriously, before CG was even even conceived of, someone had to animate Monstro and all of the water in this movie by fucking hand. It’s astonishing how much care went into this movie. Every time I watch it, I find more to love and that will always continue, I’m sure. As much as I’m singing the praises of this movie though, it’s just my second favorite of the Golden Age. Why? You’ll see later on.

Fantasia (1940)

I like Fantasia quite a bit, hell, I LOVE parts of it. But this is definitely my least favorite of the original five. I feel like this is mainly because it’s the only film of the Tar and Sugar era that I didn’t grow up with. I saw this later on when I was in middle school. Nostalgia, along with emotional attachment, are a huge reason certain movies rank higher than others for me. This is another case where I respect the movie more than like it obviously, but there are lots of things to like.

While this one probably focuses the least on plot of the original five, it is not a problem in this case because Fantasia doesn’t really have a long, continuous story; it’s basically a series of shorts set to music. Some of them are truly amazing, such as the Nutcracker Suite, Night on Bald Mountain/Ave Maria, and of course the iconic Sorcerer’s Apprentice. All of them are strong, but I do feel like the Rite of Spring goes on a little too long compared to the other shorts, and the Pastoral Symphony has some pretty obvious animation errors(look closely at the baby Pegasi as they land in the water). The animation errors are forgivable though because the rest of the movie is well animated and really pretty to look at, made even better by the beautiful classical music it’s set to. It also helps that the music was performed by one of the greatest composers and orchestras of the time. But this definitely seems more like an education program than a real film. A really excellent educational program that I would absolutely watch again, but parts of it are hard to get through; mainly the Rite of Spring imo.

Dumbo (1941)

Due to the disappointing box office return(at the time) of Pinocchio and the utter failure at the box office(again, at the time) of Fantasia, on top of the animator’s going on strike, the budget for Dumbo was a lot less than the previous three movies. Dumbo was basically a longer short with a slightly higher budget, but compared to the previous films, the animation quality doesn’t hold up nearly as well. It still had excellent character designs, but aside from the Pink Elephant scene, the animation wasn’t nearly as consistently good. Not to mention those crows are incredibly racist nowadays(though surprisingly progressive at the time the movie was made).

With all of that said, this is my favorite of the Golden Age. Why? Simple. It makes me cry. Many Disney movies made me cry at one point or another, but Dumbo is one of the few that ALWAYS does. It’s the scene where he’s reunited with his mother. The combination of the song, Baby Mine, with the visuals of his mom’s trunk nurturing him despite barely fitting through the bars of her cage ...I dunno man, but it makes me an emotional wreck, to the point where just hearing that song can make me tear up. You can seriously feel the emotions Dumbo is feeling and it pulls at my heartstrings. TV Tropes describes characters similar to Dumbo as a “woobie” and I honestly think Dumbo is the ultimate one, considering all of the sad shit happens to him when he’s a fucking baby. Anyway, the point is, Pinocchio may be better by an “objective” standpoint, but Dumbo holds a special place for me for sentimental reasons, pushing this movie to the top for me.

Bambi (1942) I forget how good Bambi is every time I rewatch it. It has the same thing a lot of movies of this era have with the filler, but the filler is very pleasant and fun to watch. And I always forget how stunning the backgrounds are. You can tell the background artists poured their hearts into it. The same can be said about the animation. The animals, particularly the deer, are noticeably better designed and animated than the ones in Snow White. The animators did a lot of research on the real life animal counterparts so they could get the movements just right, and it really shows. Take out the dialogue, add narration, and Bambi could practically be a nature documentary, except during the sillier scenes.

One thing that bugs me about it though is how it handles the “tar and sugar” stuff. While the scene before the death of Bambi’s mother juxtaposes well with the aftermath of her death and is overall very powerful and heart wrenching, I find the scene after the aftermath where Bambi and the Great Prince of the Forest are walking in the snow is followed immediately with the twitter patted tweeting birds to be incredibly jarring. Like in a really off putting way. Unlike a lot of other movies of this era, this scene doesn’t juxtapose well at all. That said, Bambi is really good despite the problems I have with it. It’s my third favorite of the Golden Age.

That’s my thoughts on the first few movies in the Disney canon. I’ll talk about the next era of films whenever me and my friends have finished watching them. If anyone for some reason wants to know more specific thoughts on these movies(because I glossed over A LOT and didn’t go into a lot of detail), send me an ask!