#this is not even to mention the ed facility i was in last year

[honeysbunchesofoats]

not a rehab situation, so I hope I'm not derailing, but I had a relevant experience in an IRTS facility, which is a residential mental health facility.

the company that ran the house was extremely understaffed and undertrained. we were constantly having late meals and not getting our daily therapy sessions and not having the groups that were on the schedule and the medical staff for medication management couldn't give me my meds without specific direction from me each time. I lived there for 2 months, so this was a prolonged difficult time of my life, which was not helped by the situation.

so up to the point. I became a mini therapist for the other women there (all women's house, and they all identified as such while I was there). it got to the point where they'd put people in my room who needed help adjusting or were having difficulty in the house. I had 7 roommates during my time there with all the turnover and struggling residents. I had to deal with people who were asking me to call them fat and horrible and lazy and so on when I myself was dealing with struggling with an eating disorder and multiple other chronic illnesses, let alone my multiple mental health conditions.

in summary, these people were not getting the help and support from a facility they came to for specifically those things.

I was even told before the end of my time there (while I was grappling my own shit) that I should become a peer support specialist when I "graduated" because I was such a good help to the other residents.

it fell upon a PATIENT in this house to provide the services that an IRTS facility is supposed to specifically handle. for each and every one of their patients completely and fully to the needs of each one.

if I had the mental wherewithal and the insurance coverage to move to a different facility, it would have helped my recovery dramatically.

but our medical landscape, specifically for rehab and mental health is in shambles so much that we don't remotely get the care we need.

When I was in rehab I had a roommate who was this little old black lady and she was completely blind. And I saw that and was like “anybody gonna be this lady’s guide?” And didn’t wait for an answer. I actually got in trouble for “perpetuating lesbianism” BECAUSE I WOULD LEAD HER BY THE FUCKIN HAND. And that was “”too gay for the program”” so I had to make sure she held my elbow instead and like. What really pissed me off is that she was not given aid whatsoever for her disability. It was fucking me doing her paperwork. I was able to help her sign her own name but I had to fill out all of her intake stuff and ask all these invasive ass demographic questions like don’t you motherfuckers have a guy for that??? I’m here trying to fucking recover too, not interrogate this poor woman with questions about whether or not she’s ever been raped or abused or whatever

[bigbihatemachine]

TW graphic ED and fatphobia, esp in a medical setting

Siiigh it's like a running joke at this point that I literally can find the worst clinicians in any nhs facility or just have the worst experiences with them but like every now and then I break bc I can't take having a mental breakdown anymore and dip my toe in the MH services and oh boy. Bc I wanted my meds adjusted and psychiatrists LITERALLY DON'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING I ended up talking to a pharmacist and somehow ended up doing a whole ass mental health assessment bc in the three fucking weeks it took them to look at my referral for a specific antidepressants I wanted and call me back, I decided I also wanted therapy and maybe they wouldn't fuck me over this time

Anyways she fights me over the medication I want and asks me about how I'm doing and as always zeroes in on my weight p fucking quickly. She asks about my eating habits rn and no they're p fucking bad rn and I freely admit that. Like it's ED shit 5sure. Also for ED reasons and general sanity, I ask my drs to not fucking read out my weight when they weigh me for my depo appts. I know I'm getting fatter. I'm not blind. Upon hearing me disclose my eating stuff and without thinking, she tells me exactly what weight I am now and exactly how much I've gained over the last few month and stresses how much it is. I tell her I actually ask my drs to not tell me these things bc they set me off really badly.

She asks if I want a referral to the ED dept and I basically get extremely upset and say I don't have faith they're going to be kind about my weight and I've faced a lot of medical mistreatment and abuse and I can't really take it from an ED dept if they're going to be cruel. She asks again if I want a referral bc it's obvious it's a source of a huge amount of issues and distress so might be worth investigating. I reluctantly agree to hear them out, if they're compassionate.

She's also somehow got hold of my MH files from 2016 (so 7 yrs ago) where I was insisting on medication that didn't make me gain weight. It's worth mentioning I got referred bc basically I'm out of medication I can try through normal GPs and I'm antidepressant resistant. Also have disclosed fucking EDs during the phone call and actually talked about that time period during the phone call when I was in a different form of ED so yknow different priorities. She insisted on putting me on meds I tried fucking years ago bc they'd help me lose weight!! Over medication I asked for and actually worked before we start looking at the heavier duty stuff (that a psychiatrist will actually have to get off their ass and see me for). I nearly fucking lost it arguing with her!!

And now it's a week later and I've gotten the letter through.... And it's fucking disgusting. She's absolutely combed through my medical files and just wholescale invented shit?? Saying I have chest pains?? I might have during A&E visits in years past??? Fucking saying I had ptsd??? I mean I almost def do but I've never been dx'ed with it?? And she sure as shit hasn't had the authority to do so?? And it's never been on a single letter before that I have ptsd?? And yeah she fucking won't shut up about how fucking fat I am. Like horrifically fat. Using the clinical name for disgustingly fat. Again, she knows I'll at least hear this and that I have an ED. Like.... What the fuck.

At the end, even my GP who I was speaking to for the first time was like (multiple times).... Are you sure you want this referral to go ahead????

And like....I'm so fucking frustrating bc I got so used to no one taking my EDs seriously bc I'm fat that I'd openly talk about them bc fat ppl can't have EDs then someone called me out on it and it threw me and I appreciated being taken seriously but..... It's in the wrong way and I'm worried the dept will be the same and it'll be trauma on trauma at a time I really need support. It doesn't help she said she'd handle the referral and she fucking hasn't and left it to my GP.

Frustrating!!! Concept: we just offer respectful, non-judgemental, person-centered care

[turtlethon]

"The Big Rip-Off"

Season 3, Episode 45

First US Airdate: December 20, 1989   First BBC UK broadcast: May 8, 1992 

The Turtles race to rescue April when she finds herself trapped in an air-tight vault.

We begin wrapping up season three of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with "The Big Rip-Off", the first part of what's sometimes referred to as "The Big Trilogy". This is the last episode of the season written by Michael Reaves. Things are about to get good.

Rocksteady and Bebop are visiting “THE RESEARC[H AND] DEVELOPMENT PLAN[T]”. Once inside, they call back to Shredder in the Technodrome, which is now hanging over a very precarious ledge, a pool of lava waiting ominously beneath it. The mutants are given orders to steal energy modules that are desperately needed to keep the power on, but the Turtles are already waiting for them.

If it feels like we’ve been here a million times over the last year, rest assured that everyone working on the show is fully aware of how repetitive this setup has become; When Bebop questions how the Turtles knew they would be in this plant, Leonardo responds that it’s the only power plant in town they haven’t raided yet.

The Turtles, who in stark contrast to their portrayal in “Shredderville” are becoming increasingly smug about how easy all of this is, quickly place Bebop and Rocksteady on the defensive as April films everything from a distance. They drop glue on the floor that sticks to the feet of the bumbling duo, pinning them to the spot.

Rocksteady rebounds by hurling his sword at Leonardo. It misses, but just happens to hit a nearby control panel and activate a hook mechanism. The henchmen grab on and are dragged away from the sticky floor. They crash through the wall, bounce off the door of the transport module and hit the ground. Incredible. By the time the Turtles charge outside, the module is on its way back underground.

I should point out that during this battle, Krang affectionately referred to Rocksteady and Bebop as THE BOYS while in conversation with Shredder. It’s official and canon from this point onward.

April mentions she’s on her way to report on the supercomputer security system being introduced at Fort Charles to guard a super energy source, but we’ll get back to that. Donatello suggests that Rocksteady and Bebop have been targeting energy facilities a lot recently; Michaelangelo retorts that “they’re after energy in every episode”, however Donnie speculates that their situation is worsening, the mutants now no longer even carrying their laser weapons. With this in mind, they determine that the fort may be their next target.

The Boys return to the Technodrome to find Shredder wandering around with a candle chandelier, and have to make their excuses for their latest failure in one of the funniest scenes of the entire season. Krang points out that with the ledge beneath them continuing to crumble and with no power to maintain their refrigeration systems, things are becoming more dire by the minute.

Back in the Lair, the Turtles watch as April films her report from the Fort’s storage center, “probably the most heavily fortified place on the face of the Earth”. Robots resembling ED-209 and Horde Troopers are seen wandering around, surrounding the installation’s supercomputer. Shredder and Krang watch the same report and learn of the Trilithium crystal stored in the vault. When Krang points out it would be impossible to get the crystal given how highly guarded it is, Shreds explains that he only wants the Turtles to think they’re attempting to steal it while they raid a different energy source elsewhere, and I’ve gotta say that after sixty-five episodes this is probably the smartest plan he’s ever had, one that actually has a degree of foresight for once.

Krang remains sceptical as Shredder insists this will work. Again, after so many failures, I can’t really blame him.

If the reveal a few episodes ago that Shredder was a master baker came as a surprise, he now goes on to reveal that he’s the greatest hacker to ever live, effortlessly logging into Fort Charles’s supercomputer in a matter of seconds and reprogramming it. Holy shit. He pulls off this feat just in time as the power fully goes out in the Technodrome seconds later, plunging the entire headquarters into darkness. Bebop emerges carrying a light to find Rocksteady sprawled across a fallen Shredder’s lap, before Krang chews out Shredder for using the last of their power on his hacking spree.

I’ve said in the past that this series isn’t so much about the Turtles as it is the story of a man whose ill-advised marriage to an alien brain led to him being lumbered with two doofus children. By this point it’s beginning to feel like the dad won’t stop squandering the last of the family’s money on hare-brained get-rich-quick schemes, and we’re all kind of holding out hope that maybe this will be the one that – almost literally – gets him out of the hole.

The fort’s robots, now reprogrammed, reconvene and begin hurling all of the human employees out of the building. April continues her live report and the Turtles watch on TV as the robots pick her up and hurl her into the vault. Donatello confirms that his suspicions were correct – Shredder has taken over the premises. The Turtles realise time is now of the essence, as April will suffocate if left for long enough inside the vault.

Act two opens with the Turtles racing on Cheapskates to the fort. While the military open fire from the outside, attempting to gain access, Vernon reports from the scene alongside Stan. Shredder and Krang watch this unfold from the Technodrome, their screen powered by Bebop and Rocksteady frantically pedalling on bikes.

Shredder actually manages to get something resembling a compliment out of Krang as the quality of the art begins disintegrating by the second. He outlines the next step of his plan, ordering Rocksteady and Bebop to head to the Malik Missile Plant to get the supplies they need. Krang suggests that even Shredder’s mutants should be able to make this plan work, and that emphasis will become important later.

The Turtles use a sewer line leading directly into the fort – erroneously left unsecured by the military – to gain access, and quickly have to disable a nearby CCTV camera. Meanwhile, Vernon’s reports continue outside the building. He comments on the possibility that April might die if she’s not freed from the vault within the next hour, and promises that should this happen he’ll continue on in her place, quietly adding that he’ll get a raise for it too. Honestly, Vernon’s friction with April [and by extension Irma] has always been fairly petty stuff up to now; this, on the other hand, is low even for him.

One of the ED-209s – let's be real, that’s effectively what they are – confronts the Turtles, and our heroes make a valiant effort to tackle it before realising this is a bad idea. They eventually retreat into a ventilation shaft in the roof only to find there are smaller robot drones patrolling this area too.

In the vault, April desperately tries to contact the Turtles via her Turtlecom, unable to breathe and unable to speak... at... normal... rate. This is another scene that looks like it was produced in an incredibly rushed manner, undermining what should be a rare moment of genuine peril in the series. 

Leonardo uses his sword to carve a hole in a vent, allowing the team to drop down to a lower floor of the complex. Along the way, Donatello stops to remind the viewers not to try any of this at home. Just the absolute worst possible time for a “zany” fourth wall break.

Across town, Bebop and Rocksteady are collecting the fuel cells they need without anyone intervening to stop them. They happily remark on how nice it is to be able to commit a crime without having to worry about the Turtles for a change. Good for them.

Vernon’s outside broadcasts continue with him talking himself up some more. He has a weird flat-top hairdo in the wide shots during this episode, because the season is almost over and everyone just wants to go home.

The Turtles continue to fight their way through the many traps dotted around the fort, as well as the waves of robots, but the odds prove overwhelming. Finally, Donatello has an idea, leading the team to the restroom (Raphael quips that he should have thought of this before they left). In a moment reminiscent of the end of The Turtle Terminator, the team lift mounted mirrors off the walls, and point them at the robots, the deflected laser beams quickly turning them into piles of scrap metal.

Shredder urges Rocksteady and Bebop to rush back to the Technodrome, figuring that once the Turtles realise they’ve been had, they’ll quickly head to the rocket plant. He goes on to ask Krang how he feels about getting a little exercise so they can get the viewscreens going again.

In the fort, the Turtles use the scrap parts to disguise themselves as robots so they can wander through the various sections of the building without attracting attention. This feels like a painfully drawn-out process; at the rate it’s taking them to get to the vault it’s a wonder April isn’t long dead already.

Back in the Technodrome, we witness a truly iconic TMNT moment, as Krang furiously pedals on one of the bikes to just about power up the viewscreen. He watches with Shredder as the disguised Turtles arrive at the computer’s control room. Our heroes stumble around in the least convincing fashion possible before being identified as intruders, eventually just saying “fuck it” and tossing their robot costumes aside. Donatello disables the computer, allowing the vault to be unlocked. Inside, April rightly asks the question “what took you guys so long?”

Krang and Shredder witness all of these events and note that the vault is now wide open, granting them easy access to the Trilithium crystal. Shreds points out that the crystal is too unstable, but Krang is insistent that he should go and try to take it anyway, on the basis that “your mutants are sure to fail”.

Moments later, a transport module pops up in the fort’s control room right in front of the Turtles. Shredder emerges and simply barges right past them, making a bee-line for the crystal. Michaelangelo blocks his path, grabbing the crystal for himself and threatening to hurl it despite Shredder’s protestations that it’s highly unstable. The Turtles begin hurling it between each other anyway, doing a very similar [American] football schtick to the one we saw at the climax of “Turtles at the Earth’s Core” earlier this season.

Deciding all of this is far more trouble than it’s worth, Shreds attempts to flee in his transport module, tossing the crystal away, but Donatello knocks it into the back of the module as it tunnels away. This feels like a good way to make sure that Shredder... is not alive... anymore. That’s definitely something other incarnations of the Turtles would be fine with, but these guys?

Sure enough, a huge explosion occurs in the rear of the transport module, one that’s big enough that the Turtles and April feel it above ground. Donatello suggests that whatever happened to Shreds, he hopes it’s nothing good. (Some real spite on display here too.)

The transport module and Shredder both somehow survive and crash back into the Technodrome. Shreds is stunned to find the lights on, and a happy Bebop & Rocksteady have returned to greet him. Krang explains that The Boys obtained the energy needed from the rocket site; thanks to his mutants, the Technodrome’s systems are now at full power.

This might be where you’re expecting some kind of punchline; somehow, Bebop and Rocksteady will have messed up, and there’ll be some sting in the tale that ruins everything, sending our resident bad guys right back to where they started. But no.

They did it. Rocksteady and Bebop successfully completed a mission and have revived the Technodrome. Do you believe in miracles? The Isotopes win a game! The Isotopes win a game!

The Technodrome is seen pulling away from the cliff edge it was dangling over before we cut back to the Lair. The Turtles are arrogantly mocking their foes, scoffing at the idea that they’ll ever revive the Technodrome when April breaks the news on TV of the raid on the rocket plant. This is all played for laughs, but let’s not allow them to diminish Rocksteady and Bebop’s moment of triumph.

Michael Reaves has contributed some stellar episodes throughout this season, his best work up there with that of David Wise. While I have some quibbles with how this story was handled – April being in genuine mortal danger is the one time the Turtles absolutely should not be doing flippant quips and talking to the kids at home – I still consider this to be a top-tier, landmark episode. For one of the first times ever, it feels as if there are genuine stakes, that things are progressing a little beyond the status quo, and that the villains have a glimmer of competency. The Turtles working through waves of traps and robots feels like something from one of the TMNT video games played out in animated form, and the jokes – at least from the villains – all land.

The writing for this episode is so strong that it somehow makes up for the often-woeful images appearing on-screen throughout. There are frequent sequences where characters devolve into a blobby mess, and while there are well-done moments dotted throughout (Bebop delivers an anecdote about the tooth fairy during the rocket plant raid where some wonderful character work shines through), there’s a sense that the wheels are now long gone from the cart and everyone is doing their best to push it over the finish line.

NEXT TIME: The rise of the Technodrome in “The Big Break-In"!

[mirismuffins-ovo]

Plant Palace pt 8🌿

John felt guilty,he hadn’t expected Eddie to accept him back so easily but it still hurt to feel rejected. John had gone back to his car. It was a colder night but he sleeplessly stayed there for the night. Missing his kids and filled with sadness,what would he tell his kids if he came back and said Eddie didn’t want anything to do for John. He’d felt lonely for such a long time and feared losing the one person he wanted to be with most.

He stayed there for the rest of the night,ignoring his hungry stomach begging for food. John normally went hungry for the sake of the kids when they handed out rations for the camps and he’d gotten into the habit of eating less. His clothes hid that fact for the most part,he had examined Eddie's house,it was nice. Eddie had done well for himself,and he didn’t blame Eddie for being mad at John,he’d ran off after promising they’d have a family together and raise the babies together. Sleeplessly lying in the driver's seat with it reclined thinking about everything.

Eddie groaned as he woke up. Leafy and Bitty were pawing at his legs as he realized where he was. He never left the front entry way and didn’t think about the cats.

“Shit.” He groaned.

He got up, going to feed the cats when Bitty looked up at him and meowed before rubbing up against his leg. Then it all dawned on him.

“SHIT, JOHN!”

He fled his apartment, running outside, seeing maybe the man fell asleep at his apartment complex entry way. He didn’t care if it was early in the morning, He fucked up. He had promised himself over the years that it didn’t matter what happened to John. He wasn’t human so he had to do what the man had to do, and Eddie accepted that when they were dating. Just his own jealousy got in the way. He ran in the opposite direction he walked home in the night before, shouting for John’s name. He didn’t even look in any of the parked cars on the side of the street or alleyways. All he wanted to do was find his old lover and hold him in his arms again and apologize for being a complete dick.

John looked over with restless eyes from his small car seeing Eddie running around seeming to look like he was distressed.He wondered would Eddie really be better off,as he listened to him call his name. It seemed like it from what he said last night but he got out of the car,his eyes burned from crying the whole night but also no sleep. He shut the car door loud enough to let Eddie know to look over. John couldn’t bring himself to look at Eddie.

John leaned on his car,watching the man somberly,hearing the rapid steps from Eddie darting around in frantic search. He’d figured Eddie would be better with someone more normal...after all he said maybe it was better that people like them shouldn’t be together. John had spent all night trying to decide whether he should’ve turned the car around and driven back to camp. He hoped he didn’t choose wrong.

As soon as Eddie heard the car door close, he whipped around seeing the smaller distressed frame of the familiar man. Eddie took off full he speed,as fast as his older body could before flung himself at John, embracing him and swinging him around.

“Thank God you didn’t leave!” Eddie exclaimed in pure joy as he set John down from the spin.

John looked up confused but also trying to hide a blush on his cheeks.

“I know we have a lot to work out, but I am so so sorry for being an ass last night. I had a shitty band practice and so I went to get a few drinks and this one girl kept hitting on me at the bar and then I heard your song on the bus home and I…” Eddie paused himself,pulling the red head in for a hug again. “I’ve missed you so so much..I feel like I’m in Heaven right now seeing you again..” he muttered in a loving tone. Placing a gentle hand on the back of Johns head still holding him.

Eddie was crying tears of joy again. John was alive, John was safe, John was here.

John had frozen shocked by the sudden action,he didn’t know what to say. He felt happier than ever and relieved but still filled with confusion, “I’m sorry..I don’t know what I should say” he muttered in a dry voice,batting his eyes a few times while streams of tears ran down his face. Now in the arms of Eddie tightly burying his face into Eddie's upper shoulder. John's stomach said something for him with a loud growl. He blushed embarrassed and pulled away from the hug to look up at Eddie.

“I missed you Eddie...I should've tried to take you with me” John's pale frail hand wiped a tear falling,from his cheek as he let out a soft shaky breath. His stomach letting out another growl craving food once again.

Eddie just ignored the words for the time being and broke them apart for a quick moment before smooshing their lips together in a super long, 2 year delayed, kiss. It felt good to finally connect this intimately with the person he loved dearly. Suffocating one another in affection,but another growl from John’s stomach snapped them out of it,Eddie snickered as John blushed with embarrassment.

“Come back to my place, I’ll cook something. Plus I’m sure there is someone who’d love to see you right now.” Grabbing John’s hand, Eddie started to drag him in the direction of his house.

When they were reaching his apartment, he forgot to close his door and was afraid the cats got out. He quickly approached the door and looked inside, calling to his two kitty companions. He left John at the door to see if he could still find them.

“Spspspsp” He sounded out and waited. The singer walked in looking around to see Bitty pinning Leafy down who was struggling to move as he wanted to go out the door. “Good kitty! Keeping Leafy inside!” He cooed, getting them treats. “Daddy’s sorry he left in a hurry, I’ll give you extra kibble.” Both cats heard food and started to pour more into their dishes.

“You can come in now.” Eddie called, hearing the footsteps enter his home and close his front door.

Bitty lifted her head up in wonder to see who came inside her home when the kitty smelled an old but familiar smell. “Murrrrp? Merrrrp!” She ditched her food dish and ended up rubbing herself on her old cat dad. She meowed and purred vigorously when John picked her up and started laughing.

“Awww my lil Bits” He held her like a baby and gave her head small kisses “I missed you so much my lil one” he laughed softly and set her down purring loudly as she pranced over to the food bowl “I missed her,Thankyou for taking care of her Eds”

John tiredly sat down on a chair relaxing a bit as Eddie started to cook up breakfast,he looked like he was ready to fall asleep then and there. John was exhausted from his worrying, “your house is really nice,I also like the new cat” he smiled at Eddie from across the table. He fidgeted with his red hair “the girls wanna meet you Eddie..and I can’t stop thinking about it” Johns eyes were closed now,smiling at the thought of his sweet kids “my moms taking care of them right now”

Eddie smiled. “I would love to see them too John…” He got out a couple of plates. “But we need to work out what’s between us. We need to make sure it's really safe for Humans and Abbies to live together and be allowed to love each other. Things have been trying to change for the better between our species, but there’s always that loophole that continues to set everyone back.”

He dished up the food and handed one plate to John who carefully begin to take small bites to ease the food into his stomach. Eddie ate like normal, scratching Leafy’s ear when the kitty decided to beg for his food.

“No, Leaf, go eat your kibble.”

Eddie turned his attention back to John. “So… How have you been, like really been?”

John thought about the question pausing his meal,he normally tried to not think about how he was feeling. “I-...I’m tired,it’s been a rough few years raising the kids...and helping my mom with the rebellion,getting captured then breaking out of a facility.I really lucked out they didn’t find I could have kids,...we aren’t seen as humans in facilities” John gave an awkward laugh attempting to hide his grim recount,before he shoved another bite into his mouth chewing slowly. “It’s been...lonely” John had gotten sick during one of the harsher winters after he had the girls. He let out a deep breath rubbing his burning eyes. “It was actually my mom and the girls who said I should try to come back to see you…I mean I was planning to anyways, but I just wasn’t sure if my mom could watch the kids that long. Or if you’d want to even see me.” John ran his fingers through his petal filled hair,it all stressed him out. “Anyways how've you been…” John didn’t wanna tell Eddie that he longed to continue the dream of having a family with him,getting married and actually carrying the children of Eddie. He knew it would be too much to say,it’d been so long after all. He didn’t wanna rush things too fast and lose him again.

“I’ve been better.” Eddie replied. “Just been working on a new EP with the band. After a few concerts, Greenhouse was a success to my surprise. I guess it resonated with a bunch of people. Some people have called it the ‘Barrier Breaker’, saying it’s what's going to bring the people together.” He shrugged. “But who knows.”

He let out another sigh. “So you’ve mentioned you’ve broken out of a facility. But it’s legal for Humans and Abnormals to live together now. Does this mean you’re a fugitive? Does your Mom know you were taken? What about the girls?” He started spilling questions. But then he stopped.

“Sorry. But if you really are on the run, then we have to figure something out so you’re really free.”

“I was a fugitive,this wasn’t the first time I was in a facility. So when we first met I could technically be considered a fugitive,but after this break out and some political negotiations with the governor. My mother and I with a few others were able to make it legal in this state to live in city’s with regular people.” John took a deep breath trying to not overload Eddie with information. “And now a few other progressive states it’s legal,it’s making its way to the presidential office,so hopefully it’ll be countrywide soon” John had an awkward smile for a moment. “we’re working on the details about Abnormals and Regulars getting married and such” He shrugged and sat back in his chair,”Before we were together,a few years back I did some shit as a teenager that got me put in a facility” clearing his throat he continued “it’s why Quinn blew up when I asked about them taking the babies,but now, I’m not a fugitive,I’m ‘legal’ now”

Eddie felt so relieved, like his heart was mending back together.

“We should talk more but you look like you’re about to pass out. Stay for a few days, rest up and eat. I’m still in the middle of the album so I’ll be in my studio most of the day. If you need to leave…” He looked at John with seriousness, giving a warning in his tone of voice. “Tell me. If you run off again, I won’t be as forgiving.”

He got up, went to take a shower real quick then left for the studio. Eddie was elated that John was back, but he couldn’t forgive him just yet. He needed to mend his broken heart and he knew just how to do it. Eddie dried off and got dressed in pajamas,making his way down the hall. John who’d finished eating and seemed to pass out on Eddies couch.

When he walked into his studio, he got set up, texted his band about what’d happened,then began to strum his guitar. He heard only one song ringing through his head now,the song that had been haunting him for years. He closed his eyes, sliding his finger and plucking the first string, beginning to play Eden.

[broadstbroskis]

present tense | matthew tkachuk

back on my childhood friends to (enemies to) lovers bullshit here! have a nice 5k matty fic that was not the fic i set out to write and is far better for it! one flashback-ish area set in italics! enjoy!

-----

There’s a picture that sits on the desks in both of your dad’s offices-in the Blues training facility and over at Enterprise Arena-that everytime you look at you can’t help but scoff in disgust. Sometimes you even flip the picture down, if it stirs up particularly loathsome feels at that moment in time. But each time you end up back in his office, the picture’s back standing, in its usual place front and center on his desk. 

You can’t figure out why. Sure, you’re by far his favorite kid (suck it, Josh and Seth), but for him to keep a picture that’s close to fifteen years old on his desk that features you just cheesing it up with a guy you can’t even stand anymore is a little ridiculous.

“Just because you don’t like Matthew anymore doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t,” Your dad tells you bluntly, anytime you try to mention that fact to him, which you definitely should have known better. He and Keith had only become better friends since Keith’s transition to his front office role. 

“I still don’t understand what went wrong with you two.” Your mom huffs. It’s the biggest tragedy of her and Chantal Tkachuk’s lives, the day that you and Matthew were no longer best friends and neither of them ever miss a chance to lament that fact. “Best friends one day and then not the next. What could possibly have happened that can’t be fixed?”

“Can’t fix asshole!” You respond cheerily. 

“YN!” Your mom snaps. 

“What?” You shrug. “It’s self-proclaimed!” She gives you a look and even though you are 22 years old, you know what thin ice looks like, so you merely smile back at her.

And there’s the other thing. For all that you can barely stand to be in the same room as your former best friend, the rest of your family loves him. Your dad and Seth will golf with Matt and Keith once a week now that it’s summer and he’s back in town. Josh invited both Matt and Brady to his fucking bachelor party this summer. The entire family will be at his wedding!

You literally couldn’t escape the guy. Your summer had barely just begun; it was only a few days after graduation, and already the pressure was on to keep applying for jobs or decide to go on for a Masters. Josh’s wedding was fast approaching and Nicole had the entire bridal party running all around St. Louis in preparation.

The last thing you wanted was to have to deal with Matty.

-----

From the minute you and Matthew Tkachuk were thrown together it’d been instant connection. You can’t recall the exact moment you’d met; you can, however, remember running through the halls of hockey games, trying to keep up with your older brothers at barbeques as Brady tried to keep up with the two of you, sharing secrets under blankets, and making promises to each other in the dark that you were too scared to make in the light.

Until you were sixteen, you’d both kept those promises, each and every one of them. The smallest things, like promising to bring two snacks to an after school event, to the biggest things, like always being there for each other. 

You were Matty’s biggest cheerleader growing up, quite literally sometimes, showing up to his hockey games in your cheer uniform after a practice or competition. And even though it was clear from early on that Matty was destined for great things, he never made you feel like he’d be leaving you behind, celebrating all your accomplishments the same way you’d celebrated his (far more incredible) ones.

But the distance apart during his first year away at the NTDP changed something. You no longer had Matty to rely on to have your back unconditionally. He was up in Ann Arbor, crushing his dreams, and you were so happy for him, really, but that left you at home and for the first time, realizing what Matty’s dreams would really mean for your friendship long term. You threw yourself into cheer, into your other friends. When his responses to your texts took longer and longer to come, you realized that you were doing the same thing- what’s the rush to get back to someone who’s only going to take three days to respond to you?

And then summer rolled around and Matty came back and acted like nothing was different. He’d swept you up into his arms and twirled you around, proclaiming how much he missed you, while your families looked on and laughed, especially at how you’d whined at him for messing you your hair.

“You didn’t miss me?” He’d pouted, poking you until you’d admitted that you did, of course you did, and that brought the grin you knew and loved.

From that moment on, for the rest of summer, the two of you were inseparable. It’s like every minute you couldn’t spend together was a wasted one. For all the time that went between texts when he was away, your phone was blowing up now that he was back, unable to stop talking those scarce moments when you were apart. 

It became expected, amongst both your friends, that if you invited one of you somewhere, the other was showing up as well. You were blowing off after-practice Starbucks runs for Matty to pick you up and get lunch. You’d found out later that he was moving workouts and basketball games with some buddies so they’d coincide with your practice times. Very quickly, you’d fallen back into old habits, but no one called you out on it, accepting both of you easily, and merging friend groups fairly seamlessly.

As the summer went on, the looming date of Matty leaving again started to hang over your head as the-thing-that-just-wasn’t-mentioned...but that didn’t mean it was ever far from your thoughts. It would pop in at the worst times- when the two of you were grabbing coffee and driving around, when you were lying by the pool for the afternoon, when you were bickering about what movie to watch that night.

You’d just wanted to forget for one night, that he’d be leaving you in just a week, and Paul Morgan’s house party seemed like the place to do it. There was cheap booze flowing, shitty beer in your cup, and it was easy enough to keep the smile on your face surrounded by your friends. 

But you couldn’t shake Matty, the entire night, who was right on top of you, his arm wrapped around your shoulders first, and then playing with your hair, and then his palm splayed against your back. How were you supposed to forget that he was leaving you in seven short days when his thumb was brushing over your hip bone? 

You’d shoved him away, offering some excuse about the bathroom, but going instead to hide in one of the rooms upstairs. The tears had started almost as soon as the door shut, your body shaking as you’d sat down on the bed. Was this going to be the new normal? Days without speaking, only the most vague responses when you did, barely knowing each other for most of the year, only for Matt to come home and cling to you for three months of the year? 

That it was Matty who’d come to find you was entirely unsurprising, opening the door more gently than he did almost anything, but then rushing to your side once he saw your face and pressing to know what was wrong. 

The combination of alcohol and nostalgia had gotten you. “I can’t do this every year, Matty. I can’t pretend everything is the same when you come home, when you’re away and we’re like total strangers.”

“So let’s not be.”

You’d laughed, pretty hollowly. “And how are we supposed to do-” But before you’d even finished, he’d kissed you. 

There are things you remember so clearly from that night, your first time. The way Matty had looked at you anytime he pulled back from kissing you; the way he’d laced his fingers into yours as he’d entered you so carefully, like he was terrified of hurting you; how tenderly he kissed you each time he pressed his lips to yours. The fuzzier moments are some of the words he’d whispered to you both during and after, the things that sometimes return to you in a dream- how beautiful you were, how perfect this was, how much he adored you. 

That he loved you, that he always would, that he only wanted you for forever.

Usually in your dreams, that was when you woke up. But at least you didn’t have to see him kissing another girl that way.

-----

Bridal showers were one of the worst things you could possibly think of, but you’d give anything to be at one of those stupid traditional showers where all the women sit in circle for hours and the old ladies cry over what great gifts all this stupid shit is, if it meant you didn’t have to see Matthew.

But no, Josh and Nicole had to go “non-traditional” and throw a co-ed shower. “We’ve already got a house.” You’d heard Nicole explain to yet another older relative, the same thing she’d said to the rest of the bridal party (granted, sounding much less like she’s tired of saying it) when she’d first tossed the idea out. “We don’t need a bunch of stuff we already have. We just want to get a bunch of our family and friends together.” And for you all to stock our bar, was the second part of the joke, and the theme of the party.

Nicole hadn’t looked stressed about this day- which was supposed to be a casual get-together at your parents with family and close friends-until the comments had started to rain. You can see the eye twitch start to go in your future sister-in-law and as she’s explaining the concept to another aunt of hers, you slip in next to her with another glass of champagne. “Can I steal you please?”

“Of course!” She beams, excusing herself from that group. “What’s up?”

“Nothing, I just don’t want you to murder anyone before you marry my brother this summer!”

She laughs. “Thank you. For the record, the same goes.”

“Me? What have I done today? Seth is the one who opened that $600 bottle of wine accidentally!”

She gives you a look. “I saw the Tkachuk’s walk in, including Matt. Be nice.”

“I will if he is.” You say childishly, sipping on your own glass of champagne.

It’s just your luck, though, that I saw the Tkachuk’s walk in means here they come now. In classic Tkachuk fashion, Keith and all three kids are shoving each other around, and Chantal is rolling her eyes, right up until the moment they reach you and Nicole, when Keith sends once final shot at Matthew, before regrouping to congratulate her along with his wife.

“Where’s that brother of yours?” Keith wonders, craning his neck. “We’ve got some putting to discuss today.”

“Here we go again.” Taryn mutters, rolling her eyes.

“Hey now!” Matt protests. “Joe and I won that fair and square. We’re just better golfers than you two.”

“Better cheaters, more like.” You mutter into your champagne glass, but it’s just loud enough for everyone to hear and Keith and Taryn laugh even as Nicole and Chantal sigh, like ugh, this already.

“No need to cheat when you’re just this good.” Matty grins back sleazily. It seems to be the smile he reserves specially for you; you’ve never seen him break it out for anyone else.

You plaster the fakest smile on your face. There’s no reason for you to be so hurt by an otherwise innocent comment-after all, despite him professing how much he loved you, you were never actually together-but even now, you can’t help the feeling that hits you when he even mentions the word cheat. “Well you’d know best, wouldn’t you?” You say, managing to feign a cheerful tone to make your fake smile. 

Chantal smiles, not catching the dig you’d intended it to be. “Well it’s nice to see that the two of you are at least capable of putting your differences aside.”

“Yeah, my wedding is looking so much more promising!” Nicole teases.

“I wouldn’t get your hopes up. Even if Matty manages to control himself enough to not start a fight, you’ve still got Seth to worry about.” You nod over at your brother, who’s apparently already given up on glassware, and is carrying around the $600 bottle of wine he’d cracked open earlier in the afternoon.

“Yeah, and even if YN manages not to shit-talk all the other guests, I’m sure Joe and Dad over here will throw something out there as soon as they get a few in them.” Matthew snarks back.

“Well that lasted long.” Keith says pleasantly, like his own son hadn’t just rudely thrown him under the bus.

“We shouldn’t have expected less.” You hear Nicole say, but you’re too busy arguing with Matthew about which one of you is going to be worse at her wedding to respond.

-----

The worst thing to come out of the summer that you and Matt had spent attached at the hip only to end up hating each other is that it had actually made your separate friend groups become friends. So now anytime he was home, it was fairly common for a large group chat to go out to round up the squad for a night out.

Which meant yet another night where you were stuck with Matthew.

Even more annoyingly, when he does show up at the bar, he’s nothing but nice. He immediately waves off cards from everyone, offering to pick up the tab for the night. You’re shocked when he remembers that Mel, your best friend, is going to med school in the fall, and he shows, like, genuine interest in her move to Boston and offers her a few places he remembers from Brady’s short time there or recommendations from friends. 

“You’re being ridiculous.” Mel says, when she drags you out on the dance floor. 

“Says who?” You return petulantly, like you have no idea that she’s talking about the sour face that you’ve been making most of the night.

“Um, all of us.” Mel tells you. “Behind your backs, because we think whatever happened between you and Matt is dumb.”

“You talk about us behind our backs?” You cry, outraged.

“Well if the two of you aren’t going to tell us what happened to our faces, then we had to speculate somewhere!”

And that was never going to fucking happen. You’d never told anyone what had happened between the two of you and as far as you knew, Matthew had never broken the unspoken agreement to never tell anyone, either. You certainly remember the sound the smacking palms had made when Nick had high-fived him for managing to “get something” from Sofia Taylor only a day after you had- “There’s nothing to speculate.” You tell Mel, stopping that train of thought and falling to an old standby. “He’s just an asshole.”

“An asshole who’s buying all our drinks tonight?”

“Yes.” You state stubbornly, and knowing she’s not going to win this one with you, she drops the subject and just starts dancing, shouting along to some of the throwbacks you both know and love.

When she leaves you to grab another drink, her spot is quickly replaced by another body, and you loop your arm around the neck of the guy that takes her place, grinning as his hands start on your hips and gradually begin to slip lower on your back as you press yourself closer to him. 

It doesn’t last long because almost the second his hands get to the point where it might even be considered getting close to your ass, he’s pulled away from you. “Get moving.” Matthew says, even as you glare at him furiously. 

Whether he knows who Matthew is or just doesn’t think he could take him if it came down to it, the guy you were dancing with starts shoving his way through the crowd, even after you call for him to wait. When that doesn’t work you round on Matt. “What was that, you asshole?”

“Wait, you liked him touching you?”

“I didn’t mind!”

He actually laughs. “That guy?”

You give him a dirty look, pushing your way through the crowd, in the direction you’d seen that guy go, but it’s a lost cause. No matter which way you look, you can’t see him.

The only thing you can see is the curly head of hair that’s followed you. “That can’t be who you want.” He tells you, as you’re starting to give up, stuck on the outskirts of the bar now.

“You don’t actually get a say in that.” You cry back at him, a little hysterical. “Maybe you could have, one day. But you fucked that up.” He actually does a double take at that, stepping away from you. “So no, you don’t anymore.”

“YN,” He reaches out for you.

“I’m calling an Uber and going home.” You shove his hand away. You can’t even be near him anymore. “And since you can be nice enough to buy drinks, I can say thanks. But that’s it. Don’t pretend like you did me some big favor tonight. You ruined my life once and now you’ve ruined my night.”

And that’s it. You shove past him before he can say anything else to you. 

But he doesn’t come after you. For once, you might actually have left him completely speechless.

-----

On the same weekend that you, Nicole, and the other girls jet off to Austin for her bachelorette party, Josh and his bachelor party take off for Vegas. 

“As long as he doesn’t come home having gambled our house away.” Is the only thing Nicole says, when one of her cousins asks if she’s at all concerned about the Vegas crew. Privately, you think her nonchalant attitude has more to do with the amount of champagne she’s already consumed, but you can’t deny that she’s right. 

“Low bar there.” The maid of honor laughs.

Nicole shrugs as you laugh. “She’s just hoping that Matt doesn’t pull a Hangover on him.”

“You know, name recognition is probably going to be what makes Matty the one who stops the others from pulling a Hangover on Josh.” Nicole muses.

You give her a look. “You couldn’t just give me this one thing?”

She laughs. “After a couple more shots, I’ll give you anything, babe.”

You’ll cheers to that.

Hours later, you’re still cheers-ing-to Nicole, to Josh, to anything ridiculous that anyone of you can think of, each time someone buys you all a round of shots at the bar. You’re pleasantly buzzed, buzzed enough that the letters are too blurry to read clearly when your phone rings, so you just swipe to accept the call and make your way outside, where it’s a little quieter. “Hello?”

“That’s not how it happened at all!” You hear Matthew say loudly. You can’t tell where he’s at, but the background music sounds muffled, like it is behind you, and he sounds as drunk as you feel.

“What?” You can’t keep up with him. Had you missed something? You almost pull your phone away from your ear to check the group chat, to see if you’d been drunk texting in it and forgotten already, but his voice stops you.

“I didn’t ruin your life; you ruined mine!”

If you weren’t leaning against the wall, your legs would have collapsed out from under you. As it is you slide a good foot down the bricks and the flowy tank you’ve got on isn’t doing much to help avoid the scratches that are sure to run down your low back tomorrow. “What?” You can only repeat.

But it seems like Matt’s been building up steam for this. “After everything we’d been through, after everything I said to you, you could just walk away like that?”

“I’m sure Sofia fucking Taylor could give you a great reason why I just walked away like that.” You snap back, finally understanding and ending the call immediately. You’re raging. You can’t believe he’d even attempt to call you out like this.

Even a few deep breaths doesn’t calm you down. When you make your way back into the bar, a few of the girls have concerned looks on their faces, but you wave them off. “I’ll be fine. Just need to drink more. That’s what we’re all here for, right?”

“RIGHT!” Nicole shouts in your face, already beaming.

Maybe if you keep drinking to her level, you’ll be able to forget this whole conversation even happened.

-----

When drinking doesn’t work to forget that phone call, you just start going out of your way to avoid Matty completely. When you see him at family events, you just ignore him entirely. You start pulling back from the big group chat with your friends, only committing to events once he’s fully committed to not going.

Mel calls you out on it, telling you that you’re just being childish and that you can’t avoid him forever, but your family commends you for finally taking the high road, even if they still think the whole thing is dumb in the first place. 

And it’s easy to look like it’s you taking the high road, because Matthew’s trying desperately to talk to you. You’ve got nothing to say though. It’s like the years of rage have finally cooled. Like if you can’t forget the phone call where he says you ruined his life, then you can finally move past the part where he actually did ruin yours.

The day of your brother’s wedding dawns, hectic as you’d expected, and you spend your morning alternating between doing anything Nicole asks and getting ready yourself. You feel like a princess when you slip into the long, blush dress, but it’s nothing compared to how Nicole looks, and you were far from a crier, but seeing her in her dress was only the first time you teared up that day, and it was far from the last.

By the time the ceremony ended, it’d happened three more times and you made a few jokes about it with some cousins and Seth before you figured you could excuse yourself for a few minutes in the garden outside to get some fresh air before the photographer needed you.

Outside, the weather is perfect, an ideal day for an August wedding. There’s a few places to sit, you remember, from when you’d toured the venue with Nicole once, and you start off for one of them, only to be interrupted.

“Hey!”

You jump around, almost twisting your ankle in your heels, entirely surprised at the voice “Nick! What the fuck are you even doing here now?” You frown, when you see him. He’s dressed in street clothes; he’s not here as a date and it’s too early to crash (which you’d straight up invited some of your friends to do, once it got a little later in the evening and meals had been served).

Nick’s rubbing the back of his neck, looking incredibly awkward and like this is the last place he’d rather be. “I uh, I think I owe you an explanation. Sorry, I couldn’t wait anymore.”

You frown. “For what?”

His hand moves from the back of his neck to his face, but you’re still able to hear as he says, “I was the one who sent Sofia over to him.”

You laugh hollowly. “Fuck off, Nick.”

“YN, Matt only told me the other day that you guys slept together in high school. He was just-god, he was so into you! I swear to god I didn’t know!”

“Fuck off!” You repeat, a little more desperately. 

“I just wanted him to get over you.” Nick says, sounding almost as desperate as you. “He didn’t even want her-she just-it wasn’t-I swear to god if I had known, I never would have-”

“Seriously, Nick, fuck off.” And whether he actually took your words to heart or not, Nick does to turn go, leaving you standing alone in a long dress and ready to cry, once again as he didn’t even want her rings through your head repeatedly.

-----

Once you know that things could have been different between you and Matty, it’s like you can’t look away from him. In two separate rounds of pictures, you get called out by the photographer for not looking, just because you thought you heard his voice.

The reception isn’t much better. As you start greeting different friends and relatives at the cocktail hour, you can’t help but wonder how things could have been. Would Matty have been by your side through all of this instead of over by the bar joking with Brady and Seth? He’d certainly be sitting next to you at dinner. Would he be throwing a couple side chirps into Seth’s best man toast or would he have managed to keep his mouth shut? 

After dinner, when the real party begins, you nudge Seth and gesture at the bar for a shot, breathing a sigh of relief when he enthusiastically agrees, and you round up Josh, Nicole, and a couple of your cousins to meet him at the bar, only to find that he’s rounded up your dad, Keith, Brady, Matthew- the person you’d been hoping to start drinking to forget again. 

Matty doesn’t look away from you and as his eyes follow your every movement- the passing of glasses, lifting the glass up to your mouth, licking the last drop off your lip-you feel the flush grow across your cheeks that’s got little to do with how much you’ve already had to drink. 

“Another!” Josh calls.

“If you’re too fucking drunk tonight,” Nicole warns, leaning against him.

“We just got fucking married!” He beams, capturing her lips in a kiss that has you leading a cheer and then all of you cycling through the motions of another round of shots, all while a pair of blue eyes don’t leave you.

When Seth starts making his third toast of the night, about how happy he is for Josh and Nicole, you seize your opportunity to sneak out for some fresh air, slipping out the doors right behind you.

“Fucking finally.” You hear Matthew behind you and quickly lift the bottom of your dress to be able to run, only for him to stop you dead in your tracks. “YN, god, just-”

He stops abruptly and you let the bottom of your dress fall as you turn to face him. “What, Matty?” You ask him helplessly.

“Don’t...go.” He finishes, rather lamely, compared to anything you’ve heard him say ever.

“We are at my brother’s wedding!” You cry back to him, gesturing around you wildly. You’re not that far into the garden that you can’t still hear the sound of Love on Top from where you’re standing now. “Where am I going to go?”

Your response is enough for Matty to collect himself. “Since the day I told you I loved you, all you’ve done is run from me and we are finally, finally on the same page about why, and you’re going to do it again?”

Desperate for a second to breathe, you gesture around you again. “Is this really the place?”

Matty nods. “I’m not walking away from you again so that can be it. I don’t want to spend another six years thinking you walked away from me, when it turns out you didn’t want to at all.”

“Of course I didn’t, but I didn’t want to be just another girl!”

“You’ve never been just another girl.”

“Well, I just learned that a few hours ago,” You tell him dryly. “From Nick. But it really didn’t feel like that when the day after you told me I was your everything, you were making out with another girl.”

“We weren’t-” Matty starts, but cuts himself off at the dirty look you send him and instead steps closer and grabs your hand, completely ignoring your flinch. “Why didn’t you just say something to me? Anything? God, it would-” He shakes his head, and the unspoken it would have made things so much easier goes unsaid.

“Why didn’t you say something to me?” You counter.

“I asked you first.”

“I asked you second!”

“YN!” It’s like he’s trying not to laugh, but it only works at lightening the mood between the two of you for a moment, before you’re sighing.

“What would I have said?” You ask, kind of ruefully. “Things were weird after you went away and you were about to go away again and I should have what? Begged you to love me and not any of the other girls that might be right there in Michigan with you, let alone the one I thought you’d already chosen over me?” You shrug. “It wasn’t-it wasn’t exactly peak confidence levels right then.” Matty winces at that and you nod at him. “ Alright, your turn.”

“I guess…” He trails off. “I was mostly worried that you had just changed your mind. And that you were trying to let me down easy.” The laugh that escapes after that is so bitter that it’s your turn to wince. “And then by the time I got home again, it was pretty clear that you weren’t letting me down easy at all.”

“I haven’t changed my mind at all.” You look him straight in the eyes, meeting the blue you’ve missed so desperately, determined not to look away for anything this time. 

“Haven’t.” Matthew repeats, squeezing your hand, and as the smile starts to bloom across his face, you feel a matching one grow across yours. “As in, present tense?”

You nod, but you barely get the chance to before his other hand is coming up to the base of your skull and pulling you in for a kiss. Christ, if you thought sex with him was good at 16, expectations have changed, because this kiss alone takes your breath away, makes your knees weak, and has you gripping onto him just to stay standing. “Matty, please tell me you’re going to do that again.” You manage to breathe out, mostly against his lips, which is as far away from him that you think you’re ever going to be able to be.

“I’m never going to stop doing that.” Matthew says, and it sounds like all the promises you’d made to each other as children under blanket forts, but it feels like your past, your present, and your future have combined as he presses his lips to yours in another breathtaking kiss. 

[anotheronechicagobog]

Functional Dysfunction - Chapter 3 - Abortion Day - Rheese

written by @anotheronechicagobog

warnings: swearing, abortion, mention of vomit, stress, Daniel Charles is an ass, Connor is still dating Robyn just so you guys know

Avoiding Maggie and Manning was easier said than done. She was working in neuro, not the ED, but they still managed to corner her only forty-five minutes into her shift. She'd managed to escape by being called to do rounds but she knew she wouldn't be so lucky next time. She was trying to think of a game plan or an excuse, just something she could use when they hunted her down next time, but she was coming up empty. Manning had mother's intuition and Maggie is a living, breathing lie detector. So she was drowning herself in work, Dr. Abrams had just given her a bland stare when she was in his office that morning. "I'll give you the extra work because Anderson is out sick, but don't take this as an invitation to distract yourself because of your pregnancy." Sarah had only managed to make choking noises as she wished a hole would swallow her. "I'm a doctor, don't look so shocked. I will need to know what adjustments will need to be made to your schedule depending on your condition, but that can be handled at a later date. I will not tell anyone because I do not partake in hospital gossip, but I must ask that you refrain from talking about it excessively should you choose to share the news, this is a workplace."

"O-of course." So, now two people knew and neither of them was the father. But she was getting an abortion so what did it matter? Plus, Jimmy had gotten back together with Chilli for the... Third? Time... Honestly, she'd stopped keeping track because, to be frank, she wasn't a fan of gossip herself. So she was pushing everything but neurology to the back of her mind and focusing on her patients. It was actually helping, being methodical and relatively unemotional. She'd heard when she was a med student that Dr. Abrams was unnecessarily cruel but Sarah didn't believe that to be true at all. Sure he was cold and blunt, but in his field, there was even less room for error than there usually was when treating someone. Dousing bad odds in sugar wasn't going to make anything better and Sarah thought that his demeanour and the way he presented things actually made patients sober up and recognize just how serious he was being. And no, the man did not have a humble bone in his body, but everyone has flaws and considering how low his mortality rate is compared to other neurosurgeons, she considers it a flaw well-earned. 

Sarah was doing the pre-ops for a patient who was going to have a sizable brain tumour removed, the tumour was actually in the best spot possible, you know, considering it's a brain tumour. She was going to be scrubbing in provided she completed the pre-ops to Dr. Abrams' expectations. "Reese."

"Ah!" She whirled around to see Manning standing behind her a pensive look on the older woman's face. "Dr. Manning, you snuck up behind me." She placed her hand over her chest in an attempt to slow her racing heart, not just from being startled, but because now might be time for the confrontation she'd been working so diligently to avoid. "How else was I supposed to talk to you? You've been avoiding Maggie and I." 

"Not actively, I just have a lot of work to do. You know how much effort and time it takes to do a double specialty."

"Don't lie to me Reese, I know that something's wrong. We can help you, you just need to talk to us!"

"There is nothing wrong, though! I am fine, I just need you and Maggie to stop jumping down my throat."

"Wow, settle down, Sarah. You're not usually this irritable, so there definitely is something wrong."

"Dr. Manning I need my resident now, so if you could stop interrogating her in the hallway that would be wonderful." 

"Bye Dr. Manning."

"Reese-" Sarah turned back to Natalie to give her a quick thumbs up and smile, something she hoped would reassure her, before continuing behind Dr. Abrams at a speedy pace. "How's our patient doing?"

"His labs are good, cell count normal, temp hasn't gone up, the scans were a little concerning though. The tumour has gotten bigger since the last scan. By half a millimetre." Dr. Abrams stopped walking abruptly, grabbed the scan from the still speed-walking Sarah, and studied it intently while Sarah nearly tripped over herself trying to stop. "You are correct. His tumour is growing, we need to remove it today. It's impressive that a first-year resident caught that slight discrepancy. Scrub up and inform the head OR scheduling team." She nodded and ran ahead to the neuro nurse's station. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Abrams' steady hands delicately probed their patient's brain, carefully moving the scalpel to separate the tumour from the rest of the brain. Sarah was at his side studying his movements and answering all his questions. " And what do we do next Dr. Reese?"

"The tumour is ready to be removed, we place it in a surgical tray to get transferred to pathology to be tested."

"Good. I want you to take the tumour there personally, the growth rate is concerning. Attend to my post-ops afterwards."

"Of course Dr. Abrams." Sarah took his orders very seriously and refrained from doing a happy dance the second she exited the OR. The tumour was moved from the surgical tray to a plastic container marked for biological testing before she washed her arms and scrubbed down. As she headed to the elevator she noticed Maggie talking to the OR nurses stationed at the desk. Their eyes met and Sarah knew that Maggie, like Manning, weren't going to stop insisting she was acting differently until she wasn't. As the doors closed she took a deep breath and revelled in the relief that her abortion was tomorrow.

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Sarah finished her shift completely starving and a little disheartened. News of Robyn's admittance to the hospital had become widespread, she'd had to act like she hadn't already known when Doris jumped next to her in the cafeteria before flittering off to tell another person who had no business knowing that information. Sarah felt angry on Robyn's behalf, the poor woman was going through something so terrifying, and now she wasn't even able to defend herself from others slandering her. She'd wanted to say something to Doris, snap back at her, but the gossip had slithered away before she could even get a word out. 

Her day got even worse when Jimmy came in with a victim, riding in ambo 61 while Sylvie was on vacation visiting her parents. It was hands down the most awkward interaction ever. He handed off the patient to her, but then wouldn't go away. And Chilli was glaring at her the whole time. Sarah briefly considered that maybe they were on a break or having a tiff and he was trying to make the other paramedic jealous, and then just got more annoyed. She just looked at him incredulously before focusing back on the patient. He still didn't leave. "Jimmy, let's go restock... Jimmy. Let's go." She could feel his eyes boring into her and could feel her blood boiling. What was his problem? His job was done, it was time for her to do hers now. Instead, he was jabbering on about shrimp, the Blackhawks, and her hair, of all things. She closed the curtains on him, only for him to open them back up with a smug smile. All despite the fact that everyone was telling him to leave, Dr. Manning, April, Doris, Maggie. "Uh, hey, dude? Could you maybe leave her alone? She's supposed to fix my arm which has a shard of glass sticking out of it, not being creeped on by you." She couldn't believe it took her patient saying something to get him to leave.

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Sarah rolled her neck, trying to shake the day away while she relished in a moment of silence in her hiding place when Connor found her. "I heard that you had a pretty crappy morning."

"You could say that."

"So, Jimmy showed up?"

"He was a paramedic today."

"Well, that's debatable. Paramedics leave after they hand off a patient."

"Yeah, I know. It was... Really weird. Honestly, it's probably because he's working with Chilli and they're going through something."

"They're always going through something."

"Tell me about it."

"So what really happened? Cause I've heard a few different versions at this point."

"The ambulance called ahead with possible neurological damage, he was fine but it's better to be safe than sorry, and Jimmy just wouldn't leave. I was just trying to do my job and he was just standing there, watching me, and talking about my hair. He was asked to leave so many times, Dr. Manning, nurses, hell even his partner joined in. I tried to close the curtain twice but he just opened it again, and actually looked a little insulted that I did. I don't know what his deal was."

"Damn. I don't know him very well but he kinda seems like a tool."

"He is, but I wasn't exactly looking for anything long-term with him."

"Fair enough."

"Speaking of long-term relationships, how's Robyn doing? Your meeting with the hospital about her release is today, right?"

"Yeah, it's in an hour. Robyn's been doing good, I'm just trying to calm down right now."

"Nervous?"

"Angry."

"About?"

"Dr. Charles is her father who abandoned her and has spent the last several months trying to forge some kind of a relationship with her. He has no right to claim to know what's best for her, personal or professional. She was meeting with a psychiatrist, they'd come up with a treatment plan, she was actually talking about admitting herself to psych. But now? She's totally shut down, completely defensive, and I want to help her but she won't let me."

"Something to bring up to her is resuming treatment and all the plans she had before, just at a different hospital. Gaffney isn't the only hospital with psych facilities, Lakeshore's is actually better rated. So she'd still get treatment but her files wouldn't be accessible by her father and none of his orders regarding her care would be taken seriously, he doesn't have clearance there."

"That's a great idea, Sarah. Thank you, I'll make sure to bring it up with her."

"No problem. I really hope that Robyn gets proper treatment and as much space from her father as she wants."

"Me too. I should probably get going, I have to change out of my scrubs and meet with my lawyer before the meeting."

"Good luck!"

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"Hey, Reese, are you going to Molly's?"

"No, I'd rather go home and get some sleep."

"You haven't really been coming out with us a lot, are you okay?"

"Did I ever really go that often in the past?"

"Touché."

"And, I'm fine. Completely fine, but Manning and Maggie don't believe me and I suspect that they go to you too, Choi."

"Guilty as charged, we're just worried about you."

"But there is nothing to be worried about."

"You can't eat, you've been throwing up, you've somehow gotten even more private and secretive, and Borelli's been really weird lately. Always asking where you are, how you're doing, what your day was like, and then there was that whole incident in the ED. Something's going on, Sarah. We are worried about you."

"You're right, something's going on, but it's nothing bad and certainly nothing I can't handle myself."

"So there is something going on." She just sighed and gave him an exasperated look. He held his hands up in defence and sent a weak smile her way. "I guess I'll see you later then, Reese."

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It was abortion day, as Connor had so lovingly dubbed it. Sarah was nervous beyond belief and she had no idea why. It was a quick, painless procedure. A procedure she wanted. There was nothing to be afraid of. She'd been in an OR a couple of times to watch abortions being performed during her OB/GYN rotation. The procedure was simple and safe, there should not have been an entire damn zoo stomping around in her stomach, there was nothing to be nervous about... Right? The knots in her stomach kept twisting and twisting, bile was rising up her throat and she just couldn't hold it back. She barely made it to the bathroom in time. 

She spent ten minutes gripping the toilet bowl as her body shook and was drained of energy every time she opened her mouth. Her hair had clumps of vomit and toilet water infect her curls. She was cold everywhere but her throat which felt like it was burned with how raw it was. Tears prickled her eyes, but she had no idea why. Yes, she was going through hormone changes but she hadn't actually reached the hormone stage of pregnancy yet. Stage of pregnancy. She felt so strange whenever she thought about it, so she tried not to. She'd finished getting dressed in leggings and a sweater when her buzzer went off. Puzzled, she pressed the button on the intercom system. "Hello?"

"Sarah? Hi, it's Connor. I'm here to take you to the clinic for your procedure if you want. Just to be supportive and take you home after."

"Connor, you don't have to."

"I know, I'm offering. Everyone needs a support system. You've been mine while dealing with this whole Robyn debacle, I'll be yours through this."

"Thank you, Connor. I'll take you up on it, I'll be downstairs in a few minutes."

"Okay, see you then."

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The car ride was smooth and luxurious, solely because of Connor's high-end car. Inside, Sarah was nothing but nerves. The sinking feeling in her stomach that had been present since she booked the abortion got heavier and heavier the closer they got to the clinic. Connor was trying to keep the mood light by talking about how hectic med school had been in Guadulajara but was failing through no fault of his own, it was all Sarah's. When they actually made it to the clinic Sarah was on the verge of violently vomiting all over the interior of the car. "Sarah? Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Sarah, you don;t have to do this if you don't want to."

"I know."

"Okay. Then take a deep breath, I've got you."

Sarah doesn't actually remember exiting the car on shakey legs. Or pushing through the mob of pro-life jackasses. Or being escorted to the admitting room by a security guard. One moment she was sitting in the passenger seat with Connor holding her hand and running his thumb across her knuckles and the next she was standing beside him in line to talk to the secretary who sat behind bullet-proof glass. The blue walls and colourful decor felt alien to her for some reason. "Name?"

"Sarah Reese." 

"And is this your support person?"

"Yes."

She answered the rest of the secretary's questions despite feeling like she was underwater, and was instructed to take a seat and wait for her name to be called. The longer she sat there, the more suffocated she felt, and Connor's supportive hand-holding and an arm wrapped protectively around her shoulders only did so much. It felt like they sat there for eternity, time dragging on in the most cruel, painful way. The woman who had been opening the frosted door to call out names and guide people through to the back reappeared. "Sarah Reese?" She didn't move. She couldn't. "Sarah?" This time it was Connor. "Sarah? Please say something, anything." She could feel the weight of everyone in the room staring at her. "I can't do this Connor."

"Okay, then let's get out of here."

[shelookslikeatwig]

Day 2

Ha, well that streak didn’t last long. Even though my exercise did burn those extra calories off like I said it won’t count.

Before going to bed I’ll do some exercises to burn something but today is still a fail. I feel as gross as I normally so no surprise.

There are a few reasons this happened though. Firstly I was surprised at how easily I managed to under eat yesterday and that kind of scared me because my aim is to plateau before restricting further, something I didn’t do last year (this time I’ll get skinny and stay skinny). So because of that I felt I could snack a bit more. Secondly I mentioned yesterday I had exams today so I ate a larger breakfast than normal. I saw a quote on here once saying something like ‘you’re here to get skinny, not stupid’ and I am biding my that.

I want to add more to this blog for me. Even if I’m just talking to myself it is nice to post a little diary. I really want to talk about my past ED because I can’t with anyone else. Other people really don’t get it.

Anyway I have an assignment to finish on Australian residential aged care facilities so adios.

[thoughtfullyyoungduck]

Married at first sight reddie au part 2

Summary: Richie and Eddie’s honeymoon

A/N: this is a part two, I hope you enjoy it. Again this was based on mafs Australia, so I don’t know if this is how it goes in all the variants of the show. Please let me know what you think! 

warning: there’s a curse word in here somewhere, there’s also a very brief mention of (not) having sex 

tagged: @juhavs

Eddie didn’t think he would, but he absolutely loves Hawaii. Richie and him had arrived only two days before, but he could safely say he had never laughed as hard before in his life.

Richie was the funniest guy Eddie had ever been on a date with. Although technically he was already married to the man.

He wasn’t always funny, as he made an awful lot of mom-jokes, but overall, Eddie would say he really did deserve the fame he got from being a comedian. Richie was a great guy, he never even asked what the whole mom debacle at the wedding had been about. instead he had told the camera’s that it was all part of a game he had thought off, trying to spare Eddie the embarrassment. When Eddie had profoundly apologized on the plane, the only time they weren’t being filmed, Richie had just shrugged and said that it was ‘cool’. And that he understood that some parents just weren’t all that accepting.

There was so much more to it that Richie didn’t know, but Eddie didn’t want to tell him all about his childhood, especially considering they had only known each other for five days.

Eddie had thought it would be awkward, that he wouldn’t be know what to say, but with Richie conversation just seemed to flow naturally. It helped of course that Richie wouldn’t ever shut up, even as it was already midnight. Eddie would never tell him so, but he cherished those moments. The camera wasn’t there, and Eddie didn’t feel like he had to keep information from Richie. He found himself wanting to kiss Richie at random times, but his fear of Richie’s germs stopped him. That was just an excuse Eddie knew, because when Richie initiated the kiss, Eddie didn’t hesitate to reciprocate.

When Eddie was growing up, he had always suspected that everyone disliked him because he was so sick. He had convinced himself that nobody, or at least most people, wanted to be his friend because they were afraid that they would contain what he had. When he found out that he wasn’t really sick, thanks to one of a routine control test he had to take at work, he figured it had nothing to do with that, it just had to do with his personality. His childhood was very vague, he barely remembered anything about it. He was pretty sure there was a group of kids that would sometimes talked to him, but with all the time he spend inside, he knew that there was no way that they were close.

Eddie didn’t necessarily hate himself, but he did dislike a lot of things about himself. He hated how he couldn’t sit down in a chair without wiping it off at least 10 times, how he sometimes got so irrationally angry or worked up it even scared himself, and he despised how he let his mother just walk over him. He knew he should stand up for himself, but it was hard when all his life he had been thought to agree to everything she said. He hated how when he felt a little sick he would immediately panic, thinking the worst. Eddie had assumed Richie would hate those things about him too.

It seemed that Richie was the complete opposite of what Eddie had suspected. When they arrived at their hotel the first day, Eddie had refused to take a shower without cleaning it himself, and Richie had watched him do it in amusement. He had offered to help Eddie, but Eddie had thought Richie was making fun of him. That almost turned into a fight. Eddie had watched Eddie with a frown, his eyes lightly sad because Richie had seemed like a nice enough guy to not laugh at him in his face.  Richie had looked confused, his mouth falling open slightly, before shaking his head frantically. It looked almost comical. ‘I didn’t mean it like that Eds’

Eddie had believed him. Still, he hadn’t wanted Richie’s help, he wanted to do it in his own. Instead of reentering the bedroom, Richie kept Eddie company the entire time it took for him to clean the shower. He never made him feel like an idiot for wanting to clean the shower. After seeing Eddie’s pinched look when he ate on the bed, he stopped eating there as well. He seemed to be able to read whatever Eddie needed or wanted to do, which was weird sometimes, like when Richie just ordered him a strawberry milkshake, even if he had no way of knowing which one Eddie would prefer.

They slept together too, although Eddie had insisted on a wall of pillows between them. There was only one bed, and Eddie had said he’d sleep on the couch, but Richie had convinced him that there was no need to do that. For some reason, they’d always end up destroying the pillow wall, waking up with Richie slightly on top of Eddie, with their legs tangled together. When they woke up, they didn’t talk about it. Eddie was glad that the camera’s didn’t film them in that position.

They had slept together, but they hadn’t slept together yet, in the more sexual meaning of the word. He didn’t know if Richie was just respecting him, or if he didn’t feel any attraction towards him. Sometimes he wished he could hear what Richie was saying about him in interviews.

It wasn’t all great, Richie could be annoying at times, and they bickered constantly about anything. The second day that had bickered about which restaurant they were going to eat in, and the third day Richie had wanted to go in the sea while Eddie tried to persuade him into staying in the pool, because that was way more hygienic than the sea. Still, it was endearing and it made for some pretty interesting topics to be discussed.

When Eddie watched Richie clean his hand thoroughly on the second day of their honeymoon, he finally dared to reach for Richie’s hand. All his life Eddie had shied away from people’s touches, only ever being touch when it was to scold. But he was determined to break that mindset with Richie. He tried to do it subtly, in the middle of a conversation, but his face turned tomato red, and he knew Richie could see how much he was stressing out.

Richie himself, stopped dead in his tracks, his mouth finally stopping for a few seconds, before gripping back tightly and continuing on as if nothing happened. From the corner of his eye, he could see that Richie’s face mirrored his. Ever since they were holding hands all the time.

His mother was probably going to have a fit when she saw it on the show, but Eddie couldn’t care less. He was still nervous around the camera’s but Richie seemed to be aswell, so it was alright.

Eddie locked eyes with himself in the mirror, fixing his hair on last time before nodding and walking out of the bathroom without looking back. It was the final night of their honeymoon, and Richie had planned a nice romantic dinner on the beach. He had left earlier saying he had to prepare the table, which Eddie found funny, because really, the restaurant would normally take care of that, Richie was just being extra.

As he was walking towards the spot where he and Richie had agreed to meet, he let his eye wonder the resort for the final time. The hotel had been top notch, complete with a build in spa, an arcade, a full sports facility. Their hotel room looked out upon the ocean and the beach, and Eddie would secretly check Richie out when he took his morning swim.

He was going to miss this place. It was nice to get away from the busy schedule of a normal week, so Eddie was glad for the vacation. He hoped he and Richie were still going to get along when they went to their assigned apartment. In last year’s season, Eddie had seen how many couples broke apart because they found the other applicants more attractive. He sincerely hoped that wouldn’t be the case here.

He saw Richie sitting at as table at the beach, and he was wearing an Hawaiian shirt, his favorite Eddie was sure. When Richie opened his suitcase, Eddie saw that he only had the same ugly Hawaiian shirt in his suitcase, only in different colors. Eddie had teased Richie with it, and he hated to admit it but it did look really good on Richie.

Richie chose that exact moment to look up, seeing Eddie stand a few feet away, and excitedly jumped up. He was smiling, adjusting his glasses as he gestured with his hands.

‘Welcome to casa del Tozier, Eds.’ He said with a smirk, and he seemed really proud of himself.

‘It’s a restaurant you dumbass,’ Eddie teased, following it up with a quick, ‘and don’t call me that.’

Richie just smirked, trudging back towards the table with Eddie following closely. Richie had really tried his best. There were rose petals on the table, a flowers bunch with sea shells. There were Blue napkins, who honestly looked as wrinkled as Eddie’s grandma, but he did appreciate the gesture.

‘You went to a lot of trouble. Thank you.’ Eddie told him sincerely. Richie rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, suddenly losing his nerve.

‘It was nothing’, he replied instead. ‘I hope you enjoy the flowers, I was supposed to get them for your mom but you know since I’m here with you’, Eddie rolled his eyes playfully. ‘Gee thanks Rich, how did I ever get so lucky to be paired with you.’

They laughed, and Eddie nervously glanced at the camera’s currently pointed at him. Richie must have sensed his discomfort, for he bumped his knee against Eddie’s sending him a little smile.

A waitress for the hotel interrupted them then, putting a plate of oysters in front of them. Richie looked at it in disgust, until he noticed that Eddie was looking at him.

‘I ordered for us already if that’s okay, it was my day to choose remember?’

Eddie did remember, he and Richie had agreed that they each had every other day to choose an activity for the day. It was almost creepy has well they seemed to know each other. On his first day of choosing, Eddie had decided to visit the arcade in the hotel with Richie, watching as he was completely enwrapped with a game called street fighter. When Richie got his chance to decided what they would die, he came up with the idea to play baseball, which Eddie refused at first. It turns out that Eddie was really fast, and he really did enjoy playing baseball. He saw Richie looking nervous, and it warmed his heart that he had tried to make this meal as good as possible. Even though Eddie hated oysters.

Eddie smiles slyly, picking up on of the oysters. He swallowed it quickly, trying his best to keep his face neutral. ‘Actually I’m allergic to oysters.’

He watched Richie spit out his food, his face turning a pale white. ‘W-w-what?’ He asked, his voice shaking. Eddie hooted of laughter, tears nearly streaming over his cheeks. Once Richie realized that Eddie was just playing him, he laughed too. When the main dish came, fucking spaghetti, it was Richie’s turn to crack-up.

The dinner was great, despite the fact that choices were a little off. Eddie enjoyed every single meal, though he did recoiled when he saw a piece of spaghetti dangling out of Richie’s mouth. For dessert Richie did pick an Hawaiian dish. It was called Guava chiffon cake. Eddie was nervous for trying it, because he wasn’t used to consuming a load of sugar at the same time, but Richie managed to persuade him to try it, and Eddie absolutely loved it. It was light and creamy and sweet, and Eddie had never thought he could like a dessert that much.

After the meal, when the evening was coming to a close, one of the producers arrived with what they called ‘the honesty box’. A box full of questions which both Eddie and Richie had to answer honestly. Eddie went first, his hand shaking as he reached for one of the questions. It took a few seconds for his vision to focus. ‘Are you here for the right reason’, he read of the card, locking eyes with Richie straight after.

He wasn’t worried about this question, because he knew that Richie was a genuine guy. Richie smirked at him, ‘well to be honest Eddie Spaghetti, I joined for your mom’, Richie answered, but he was interrupted by Eddie. ‘No, no, beep beep Richie, answer straight right now.’

Richie’s smile fell off his face. ‘What did you just say?’

Eddie balked, panicking straight away. He wondered what he said wrong. ‘I... I’m sorry.’

Richie shook his head, plastering a smile so fake even Eddie could tell it was a hoax. ‘It’s okay’, Richie said, reaching across the table to rub his thumb over Eddie’s knuckles.

‘I joined because my manager wanted me to join, and because I was really tired of just being by myself.’ Richie confessed.

Eddie wasn’t surprised by that, Richie had admitted it too him in the car ride to their wedding venue, just as Eddie had admitted that his mother was the reason he was here. The next question was a bit harder for Richie to answer. ‘Do you think you could fall in love with me?’ This time Eddie was really interested in what Richie’s answer would be.

He glanced straight into the camera accidentally. He found it difficult to look straight into Richie’s eyes, and he saw that Richie was avoiding his aswell. ‘Yeah, I think so. Almost as much as I love your ass.’ He grinned. Eddie grinned too, though he did his best to hide his smile behind his hand, instead letting a groan.

Then it was Richie’s turn. He picked up a card, pretending to drop for comedian purposes. ‘What was the worst experience in your life?’ He read, tossing the card onto the table before reaching for his drink, as if he was giving Eddie some time to think about the question.

Eddie didn’t know how to respond. The answer was pretty clear to him, his childhood with all the doctor visits, but he didn’t want to tell Richie that yet. Sharing that piece of information that was closest to him, that fear that was deep enrooted in his heart, was terrifying. The weight of the inhaler he was carrying, which he didn’t even need was getting heavier by the second. He didn’t know if Richie would be turned off by his scars, by his baggage that he took with him, so he lied.

I didn’t have any friends in high school. I mean I’m pretty sure I didn’t have friends as a kid, I can’t really remember, but I’m high school it was really rough.’

It wasn’t exactly a lie. High school was hard on Eddie, just not the hardest part of his life. Richie leaned forward on the table, and when Eddie realized what he was trying to do, he leaned forward too. Their lips met in the middle, and they shared their shortest kiss yet. Richie’s lips were chapped, but for some reason that made him all the more endearing.

Eddie loved kissing Richie, it was like he could feel every emotion poured in the kiss. When Richie swiped his tongue over Eddie’s bottom lip, he opened up, allowing Richie to deepen the kiss. It was like they knew exactly what the other liked. ‘I’m sorry that happened to you Eds, I can’t imagine not wanting to be friends with you, you’re way too hot to be left alone.’ Eddie halfheartedly shoved at Richie’s shoulder. ‘Don’t call me that asshole.’ The rest of the night went by without a bump in the road.

When the night came, Richie started building the pillow wall between them again. While Eddie watched him from the bathroom, waiting until they were alone before getting rid of all the pillows. Richie looked at him in surprise, having no idea what was happening. Eddie places his hand on Richie’s cheek.

‘I think we don’t need that anymore.’ Richie agreed eagerly. Scooting over to make more room, Eddie slid beneath the soft blankets, instantly shuffling closer to Richie. He placed his head on Richie’s chest, while Richie threw his arm around his shoulders. They shared a goodnight kiss, before they finally settled in.

Richie presses a kiss to Eddie’s forehead. Eddie let out a sigh, twisting his fingers in the sheets beneath him. ‘It was my mom’, he said, long after he thought Richie had fallen asleep. ‘I know. You don’t have to explain right now.’ He couldn’t put in words how much he appreciated him in that moment.

‘I’m afraid that the others are going to find me boring,’ Eddie told Richie honestly. ‘What if one of the others are more interesting?’

Richie grabbed his hand. ‘Don’t worry Eds, no one could ever compare to my Spaghetti.’

‘You’re a dick,’ Eddie laughed, but he was reassured at least a little bit.

And when two days later, he met five other amazing people whom he would eventually become an amazing group with, than that would only be a plus to the whole experience.

[mediaeval-muse]

The idea that college faculty and their allies have somehow failed to “make the case” for the value of their work is one of the hoariest clichés of higher ed commentary—our equivalent to the legendary “since the dawn of time”-style opening for undergraduate papers. A Google search for “the case for the humanities” turns up multiple books and articles. The tradition is so well established that new contributors can even engage in ironic meta-commentary on its conventions, as when a recent column argued that the best case for the humanities is precisely that there is no case. It is clear enough why academics would be drawn to a solution that draws on their particular skillsets of persuasion and argumentation, but the demand that we “make the case” is naïve and impotent.

For a generation or more, institutions of higher education have been actively dismantled—in many ways, transformed beyond recognition—by powerful constituencies who are actively hostile to academic values. These constituencies include conservative politicians who view widespread access to liberal arts education as a recipe for social upheaval, and business leaders who want to shunt the expense of training workers for highly technical jobs onto the university system (and ultimately the students themselves). They do not need to be told of the benefits of a liberal arts education. They have often benefited from such an education themselves and are happy to provide it for their own children—including at elite Ivy League schools that do not even have the kind of vocational programs that they recommend so fervently for everyone else. They are well aware of the potential of liberal arts degrees to produce engaged and informed citizens who can navigate an ever-changing job market with confidence and creativity. That is precisely why they want to keep a true liberal arts education as a preserve of the elite, consigning everyone else to narrowly vocational paths that teach them how best to serve those above them in the social hierarchy.

The problem is not persuasion, but power—and propaganda.

...

The alliance of conservative politicians and business interests has been so successful at shaping the cultural common sense around higher education that the areas where we liberal arts faculty members are best equipped to “make the case” are completely missing from the agenda. How can we “make the case” to a society that does not have ears to hear it?

Admittedly, even within the impoverished terms of debate imposed by interests hostile to higher education, liberal arts degrees fare surprisingly well. Even the business press has noticed. Forbes reported last fall that the much-lauded STEM fields do not provide the promised economic advantage over traditional liberal arts fields. As reporter Derek Newton puts it, “getting a STEM education may help you get a good job early but if you want a good career, you’re better off in liberal arts lane. In other words, even if you’re only measuring money, a liberal arts education is probably worth a ton more than most people may think.”

...

The reason for this is clear: the narrowly technical skills that students learn in such fields quickly shift from cutting-edge to out-of-date, while the broader and more flexible skills conveyed by liberal arts fields prove more durably valuable. Yet the cultural common sense is that students who major in liberal arts fields will die on the street—or less dramatically, wind up as underemployed baristas, a fate that is actually more likely to befall the ever-expanding number of business majors that universities pump out each year. This misconception is widespread even among those most sympathetic to the liberal arts, including many faculty members in those fields themselves.

...

Where does this disconnect come from? Frankly, it results from a systematic campaign of lies by the same allied interests. On a political level, liberal arts graduates are less likely to fall for the kinds of simplistic propaganda spewed by Fox News, Breitbart, and right-wing talk radio, which conservative politicians have increasingly relied on to rally their electoral base. On the economic level, the agenda may initially seem less clear. Why would business leaders encourage as many students as possible to go (at least initially) into precisely the highest-paying fields?

Here I think we might benefit from recalling one of the first lessons of Econ 101: all things being equal, what happens when the supply of something increases? Obviously, the price goes down. In other words, by churning out as many STEM majors as possible, institutions of higher education are effectively commodifying those skills—and charging those future professionals for the privilege of depressing wages in their field. And after congratulating them for graduating with a job offer in hand, colleges and universities turn immediately to the task of training up the next cohort with cutting-edge skills so that their predecessors can be easily replaced with cheaper, younger workers.

Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t believe it is the mission of higher education to perpetuate this destructive dynamic. Nor do I think it makes much sense on a purely institutional level, because STEM programs are expensive to run. Labs, state-of-the-art computers, and other high-end equipment all cost a lot of money—and even in fields without those capital requirements, such as math or economics, the cost of retaining faculty is higher due to their greater range of employment opportunities.

By contrast, liberal arts programs are intrinsically cheap to run, often requiring little more than a chalkboard and some Penguin Classics. Adjunctification has made them even less costly. An honest accounting would show that, in most institutions, liberal arts courses are cross-subsidizing STEM fields—but yet again, the cultural common sense, often including among faculty members themselves, runs the opposite way. Indeed, when it comes time to make cuts, liberal arts programs are always first to the chopping block.

...

Why kill inexpensive programs that often serve as profit-centers while doubling down on the huge capital investments associated with STEM? The answer is that the health of individual institutions is a subordinate concern, at best, for the business interests who set the agenda for U.S. higher education—as evidenced by the fact that so many institutions are perpetually on the verge of failing even as aggregate demand for higher education has never been higher. In addition to the benefits of STEM fields over liberal arts programs already mentioned, the hegemony of STEM creates a situation where colleges and universities are more dependent on major donations, which corporations and wealthy individuals are obviously in the best position to provide. Those institutions which borrow to build new facilities then often need to hike tuition to service the debt—further incentivizing students to pursue supposedly more economically viable majors.

...

The only answer is to have leadership that already shares academic values, which necessarily presupposes restoring faculty control over our institutions. Part of that will mean reasserting—or in some cases establishing—traditions of faculty self-governance. And that can’t happen as long as we allow cost-cutting administrators to divide us into a privileged minority of tenured and tenure-track faculty and a disposable majority of contingent faculty and graduate students. Strong, fully inclusive unions that fight for decent working conditions for the whole faculty are the only viable way to form an independent power base that gives faculty members real leverage over the administration. Given how entrenched the destructive “best practices” are at most existing institutions, though, more radical measures—such as founding new, faculty-run cooperatives—may be more effective. Whatever specific strategies we choose, however, we need to keep firmly in mind that the answer is not persuasion, but power.