#this is no longer funny and im longer coping i mean this 100%
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I am SO close to just saying Fuck It and speedrunning my way to homelessness i swear to god.
#everytime my dipshit cousins come over something of mine goes missing#first it was my vintage nike tshirt#then my protein bars. THOSE ARE SO EXPENSIVE#now my face scrub#am i going through early stage dementia?????#im so close so so so so so so so close to snapping rn and start throwing accusations#theyre not even unfounded my older cousin stole more than 200 usd from both sets of grandparents a couple years ago#of course my grandma already chose to forget about that so if do go through with that im going face first to the streets#this is no longer funny and im longer coping i mean this 100%
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CONGRATS ON 100 FOLLOWERS IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!! YOU DESERVE IT ALL!
So a soulmate event aye? I'm here for it.
I was thinking this prompt
- A red string tied around your pinky is connected to your soulmateâs pinky (when the two of you are in a certain distance)
With Atsumu or Osamu? I have a thing for those 2 and i just love them so much and they deserve nice things and just yes.
I hope you're taking care of yourself!!!!!
omg i sort of popped off on this one and it ended up just a lil longer than i thought it would and omg. i have no words for myself at this rate. look, i will not be judged for my sudden and random love this boy, but um. youâll see
thank you for participating! I am taking care of myself most of the time so eh ya know
----
Your yearly visit to Japan wasnât meant to be anything special. Just a trip to Japan where youâd meet your cousins again.
When the three of you stood next to each other, you could see why no one thought that you, Kiyoomi and Motoya were related. Alas, you were, much to the worldâs surprise. It didnât even help that you werenât from Japan, so your grasp on the language was laughable. You coped and so did they.
âA volleyball game?â You quirked a brow at Motoya as he grinned widely, taking the seat opposite you and snatching an onigiri off your plate. A glare formed quickly on your face and you pulled the plate close to you, shovelling another in your mouth.
âNot just any game, but nationals.â There was a shine of excitement in his eyes and you shrugged.
âI guess I could go, not like I have any plans.â Your parents often described you as a perfect middle between Kiyoomi and Motoya; not quite an outgoing puppy, but not really hating the idea of people either. There werenât too many things you and your cousins could agree on; it wasnât that you hated each other, but you just never had the time to bond with them like they had. Still, when you got together, things werenât awkward. They just⊠were.
âDo you ever have any plans?â Kiyoomi snorted, leaning against the kitchen counter. Resisting the urge to throw the plate at him, you settled on glaring at him.
âFor your information,â you said, pointing at him, âI have plenty of plans when Iâm back home.â
They both laughed. Motoya decides to cackle like a hyena, Kiyoomi chuckles softly. Was it really that hard to believe? Okay, so, sure, you didnât really have that many friends - that didnât mean you couldnât have plans! It just meant that youâd spend more nights alone than youâd like to admit - they didnât need to know that though. Not like you were going to tell them anyway.
What you hadnât expected - from the brief description Motoya had given you on the way to the stadium - was that volleyball would be one of the most boring and thrilling things in your life. There were parts so filled with tension and passion that you could have drowned in it. And then some rallies would go on for what felt like days and youâd lose interest, only to be pulled back into it a second later.
Your cousin wasnât the number one ace in the country for no reason; he played with a level head yet intensity beyond his years. You didn't even fully understand why Motoya was leaping across the court, or what a Libero was, or what was happening. How youâd never agreed to come before was beyond you.
But something is amiss, and you donât notice it until a red string floats into your vision, like itâs purposefully making you aware of its presence. Your breath catches in your throat just as Kiyoomi slams down the ball.
It was almost funny that the year you decided to watch the volleyball game Motoya had been inviting you to for forever that youâre soulmate would suddenly burst into existence. You canât help the sinking feeling in your stomach, because if youâd stayed back in your home country this year like your dad had asked, then you never would have gotten this opportunity again.
It didnât take much internal convincing for you to start following the string. Looping through halls, twisting and turning around people. Anticipation built up, one youâd felt so many times today, but this was a different kind of anticipation. A swelling in your stomach, a flutter of butterflies that had been startled awake. Something so primal, an urge inside of you, yet something so calm at the same time.
The closer you got the more your mind urged you to run. As crowds formed, you couldnât help but think back to your parents' comparison of you and Kiyoomi (because even if you didnât hate people as much, crowds were your worst enemy).
You pushed through, ignoring the urges of your heart because God knows when youâll get this chance again. That was the point. You probably werenât going to get this chance again. Not since you would be starting University, your parents wouldnât just be sending you to another country for a month - even if it was for family reasons - this was your final chance to meet your soulmate.
God, if youâd have known that your soulmate was in Japan this whole time then you would have begged to live here as a child, but you didnât. Especially being the older of your cousins, you couldnât help but feel slightly more anxious.
Barely 18, ready to live your life, and now youâd found your soulmate. Motoya would be excited for you, Kiyoomi would probably offer his apologies depending on who it was.
Thoughts wracked with who it could be. What they would look like. How they would act. Sound. Talk to you. React. You didnât even notice how close it had gotten until a hand was pulled in front of your eyes; the person it was connected to looked down at you, tears in his eyes, though seeming generally disinterested.
Your heart stopped - whether from anxiety or excitement, youâd figure out later - he met your eyes and you couldnât help but blush.
Just as you were about to speak - make your debut moment to your soulmate - a wave of people suddenly surrounded you and you froze. Like all the air had been taken from your lungs. Your heart - previously stopped - now worked in full force. If it werenât for the buzzing in your pocket, you might have passed out right there.
Your soulmate was staring down at you as you shakily reached into your pocket, answering the call without any question. âWhere are you?â Motoyaâs voice rang clear. You blink slowly, trying to catch your breath enough to speak.
âS-soulmateâŠâ the word feels so foreign on your lips (reasonably so). He instructs you to pass the phone to him - it takes a lot of effort, but you manage, ruling the phone away from your face and to him. He takes it - albeit hesitating - and starts a conversation with your cousin.
The string looks so strange wrapped around your finger but it was something simple you could focus on. Breathing was painful, and the crowd didnât seem to be clearing. You didnât catch the conversation but his face shifted and he reached out for your hand, looking around quickly.
He must have seen something that would help because he weaved you in and out of the crowd towards a corner with a group of people standing in it. You didnât recognise them, so you could only assume this is where you were going to die.
You were too busy saying your prayers when he pulled you closer to him. âWhoâs that?â Asked a boy with bleached blond hair, scrunching up his nose. You were probably hallucinating - and in the off chance you werenât, you were asking for more prayers - because the boy with the bleach blond hair looks almost identical to your soulmate.
He looked down at you with contempt, but you didnât have the energy to care, not as your soulmate pulled you closer away from him. You could just imagine a smirk forming on his lips. Somehow, his presence calmed you just enough that you could focus.
He talked with - who you quickly learned to be - his brother and the rest of his team. Miya Osamu - your soulmate - kept you close by, still looking at you with disinterest. It didnât take long for your cousins to find you, but even after they did, you didn't leave Osamuâs side.
Motoya pulled you into a hug and talked to you softly, Kiyoomi muttered exactly what you thought he would, âyouâre an idiot.â But there was something caring in his tone.
Motoya was explaining to you that they made it to the second round, but you werenât paying too much attention. Of course they made it to the second round, they always did (well, you werenât sure of that, this was the first time youâd been here).
Throughout the rest of your visit to Japan you spent more time on your phone to Osamu than you would willingly admit to the boys. Considering he was from Hyogo, and you were staying in Tokyo, it only made it harder. You joked and said it would only prepare you more for the long distance youâd have to do when you returned home. You didnât miss the sad look in his eyes. So many countless nights spent on the phone, pretending like you didnât want to be in his arms.
Long distance was harder than you could have imagined; between opposing time zones, schedules, and just general life things, it was hard to find time to talk to Osamu. You made a promise to each other, that if you ever happened to go no-contact (whether by accident or on purpose) that you would find each other eventually.
That was what happened.
With so much work, you were losing sleep, your grades were slipping, everything was stressful. The same for Samu; he was too tired to practise, grades going downhill. You were the most worried when Tsumu stopped teasing his slightly younger brother and started actually caring.
Contact slipped until it just stopped. It wouldnât be another five years until youâd see Samu again.Â
You finally made the decision to move to Japan - specifically Hyogo - youâd claim it was because Kiyoomi lived there, but really it was because you hoped for a chance encounter with Osamu.
Kiyoomi made the decision to introduce you to his team and you were met with one overly excited Miya Atsumu. The boy - although now he was more of a man - recognised you immediately as his brother's soulmate. He stepped away from you briefly, claiming he had an urgent phone call to make and you didnât question it - you had no reason to after all.
Not until that familiar red string floats into your vision as it had done all the years ago and you turn around to see Osamu standing there, a little out of breath but so happy. You act on instinct, throwing yourself into his arms and promising to not leave his side again.
----
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Sunday 5/6
My roommates name is Shauna. She doesnât flush and when I got here there was what I can only assume were soiled clothes in a brown paper bag.Â
A woman in the hall is also talking about her shit. Iâm the youngest person here and im afraid to shower, thereâs no door. The poop lady is cackling.Â
My roommate and I talked, sheâs nice, and I met her night nurse and she is so nice. Her name is Maria.Â
Iâm having a hard time figuring out why I feel like this. Its hard b/c Iâve been hungover but surely thatâs not all it is. How do you recover from a hangover so bad you end up in a psych ward?
It weird not having my phone, I want to check twitter. I donât want to go to group therapy tomorrow.Â
I just canât stop crying, my eyes actually hurt.Â
My mouth tastes bad but I have no toothpaste.Â
I started reading this book called notorious nineteen and it is truly trash.Â
I donât have the lights on bc Shaunaâs sleeping- I feel like Mozart.Â
My eyes hurt, I might go call my dad again to get my moms phone number.Â
Ill be back.Â
Got Taylorâs # and called her/my mom. Maria gave me some antihistamines to try to calm me down/sleep.Â
My sisters want to come visit me on Tuesday.Â
Iâve only eaten a donut this morning.Â
Thereâs a painting of a window that is 100% mocking me.Â
Iâm sweaty.Â
Some snaps I would be sending if I had my phoneÂ
*a pic of the little card that was on my bed when I came in w/ a number on it for housekeeping. Caption idea-Â
is this a joke?
Itâs a work in progress.Â
*def a snap of me whipping/nay naying to the woman whose been singing in the hall all night (singer)
Shauna is snoring. Thereâs no joke there but its absolutely worth noting.Â
I just want to play candy crush.Â
Monday
(12:30 pmish) I feel like Iâm in a dream. Iâve been sleeping all day- it turns out it was only like 3 hours tops.
I had so many dreams.Â
I just went and talked to a big ass table of doctors about my life and I just feel so groggy. Theyâre in there talking about me.Â
I skipped lunch b/c my tummy hurt so bad after breakfast.Â
Shauna puked everywhere.Â
I think sheâs leaving.Â
Also turns out sheâs in withdrawal AND pregnant.Â
And she has an infected injection site on her arm.Â
I just talked to my mom/dad/Taylor and asked them to bring me some books + shirts.Â
The nice psychiatrist said she would give me some adavan to calm me down. Also I skipped lunch b/c my stomach hurt so bad from breakfast but now Iâm hungry so I guess theyâre gonna order me something. I feel so weird. (might have napped here)
4ish pm
40 mg stratera (sp?), one mg atavan.Â
Finally left my room, Iâve been asleep all day.Â
Nurse went and got me a coke + a water and I saw theyâre watching forgetting Sarah Marshall so I thought Id join. Everyone called me out when I came in since ive been hiding out. Bitches.Â
Movies suggested by the dude Iâm watching FSM w/
- assassinâs creed
-Dogma
10 positive ways to describe myself
1. Legs that go up to my asshole
2. College educated
3. Big heart
4. Good sense of humor
5. Love babies
6. Love my friendsÂ
7. Good communicator
8. Love the outside
9. Big smile
10. Lovely family
9 positive coping skillsÂ
1. Talk to Taylor
2. Going on walks
3. Calling my parents
4. Reading
5. Going to therapy
6. Doing hw
7. Watching movies
8. Candy crush (questionable)Â
9. Eating veggies
8 things Iâve accomplishedÂ
1. College
2. Getting into grad school
3. Learning Spanish
4. Coming to the hospital
5. Making great friends
6. Moving a lot and making it through
7. Driving to SLCÂ
8. Supporting myself (for the most part)
7 healthy things I can do each dayÂ
1. Eat well
2. Shower
3. Talk to my friends
4. Not drink
5. Clean my room
6. Clean my clothes
7. Do my hw
6 things I can change
1. My eating habits
2. Drinking
3. Exercising more
4. Getting a routine
5. Whitening my teeth
6. How I see myself
5 things I canât change
1. How my family acts
2. How my friends act
3. The status of the US public school system
4. The amount of sunlight in my aptÂ
5. My faceÂ
4 reasons I canât give up
1. My family
2. Iâm going to change the world
3. My friends
4. My future students
3 places I can get help
1. w/ dr. whose name I canât rememberÂ
2. my apt (Taylor)
3. the hospitalÂ
2 people I can really trust
1. Taylor
2. my parents
1 reason Iâm here
1. I need to not feel like this anymore
Iâm holding myself back from asking why everyoneâs here.Â
Assassinâs creed guy, also known as biting guy (an inside joke from earlier) and sweater girl are talking about if the food delivery guy has extensions.Â
We got called to dinner, now were finishing Sarah Marshall.Â
Biter dude told hair guy ânice hairâ.
Oh my god, when peter sings about how much he hates himself, biter and white shirt turned to me and said dang sounds like heâs going to be in the room next o me! way to be self aware guys!Â
Just called my dad to find out about my stuff getting dropped off but turns out he did 2 hours ago and its all been in my room.Â
I started crying immediately b/c Taylor is amazing- she brought me the perfect books. It was like she was talking to me through the books.Â
She gave me b Franks autobiography and Jesse Donaldsonâs âon homesicknessâ. And the book Amanda gave me. also wuthering heights and pastures of heaven. All so perfect.Â
Shirts is roasting the shit out of double lasagna (he ate⊠double the lasagna we all got for dinner).
He keeps saying he looks like heâs about to give birthÂ
âI mean were already in the hospital we just gotta figure out what floor is maternityâ
Wuthering Heights
1801- Mr. Lockwood +Heathcliff
Thrushcross Grange
Double lasagna is talking about the last time he had tequila- brother the last time I drank it I ended up here.Â
What an anecdote.Â
âthey could have stolen my jewelry or even my virginity!â â about the guys who helped when he got too drunk. Double lasagnaâs real name is * but he just introduced himself as Dorothy (to hair the night nurse helper).Â
Fake Abby (biting guy came to my room thinking I was her) is here and shirt just said âyouâre awfully quietâ and she rejected him hard. It was awk.Â
One of the helpers is just chillin in here w/ us while I read my shitty book and we watch âjust go w/ itâ â its so bad.Â
One of the nurses (pony tail) just made me go on a walk down the hall w/ him. They all keep asking me how Iâm feeling and I keep saying fine but Iâm not. As long as I donât talk I donât cry. Iâm starting to think I want to stay here longer but also leave right away. Its all so confusing.Â
Double lasagna just asked hair nurse if he could have his phone out of his bag and the way just looked up from his phone and said ânuh uhâ was iconic.Â
Its 805 pm and I think Iâm going see about getting my sleeping pills so I can just crash.Â
I need to document stuff better tomorrow b/c I donât like how much of a blur today is.Â
I finally showered and I feel better I think. I just donât know what the move is once I get out. Like I don't know how to talk to anyone.Â
I need Taylor to contact Morgan I think.Â
Iâm sure sheâs confused. Or maybe she doesn't care literally at all. Who cares. Iâve been surprised at how easily Iâve been sleeping today especially without my phone and with everything on my mind.Â
I need a talk therapist like yesterday.
I canât bring myself to get through any of the books Taylor brought. The 19 book in such trash but itâs easy to read.
 The shower needs to be pressed every 45 seconds to say on. I wore shower shoes.
 Fake Abby doesnât know what the move is, I can tell.
I called Taylor + my mom then got snack in my night meds. I mom told me to call back to talk to Mack so I just did. Sheâs lovely.Â
Double lasagna somehow talked to snack nurse into giving him a full sandwich. I got a strawberry poptart and a coke.Â
Theyâre checking in a new girl now who looks a bit like sheâs closer to my age.Â
Iâm happy sheâs not my roommate.Â
I think tomorrow ill try to call family/friends less and trust the process. I need to really take a step back.Â
Iâm just happy I feel comfortable sitting in the sun room. I knew a lot more about movies than they didÂ
Goals for tomorrow-
Check out group
Find rec room/sign my name by MackâsÂ
Document everything
Keep room clean
They still havenât cleaned Shaunaâs side. Its off putting.Â
Have I mentioned they check on me every 15 minutes?Â
Its off putting also.Â
I wish I had just like some mascara or something. I hate to be that girl but damn.Â
My mom keeps trying to talk about the funny aspects of this but I canât say Iâm feeling them yet. Today just really was such a blur. I sept a lot then talked to therapists then I think went back to sleep? Then begged for lunch then I think slept? Thatâs where its fuzzy. Called my fam too much, I need to not tomorrow.Â
I also want to gain control of tv room tomorrow. Power move!!Â
Did I mention I called Chelsea? My brain is mush.Â
- Be more present tomorrow-
- Ask more questions-Â
be warned: new beginnings are rarely pure, and neither are the men who seek them
On Homesickness pg 23
Scott County
We are homesick most for the places we have never {truly} known
37, Franklin CountyÂ
Questions to Proteus -> how do I get home? 45, Montgomery CountyÂ
TuesdayÂ
7:10 amÂ
slept super hard but also had super vivid dreams. Mack and I talked about that last night.Â
She said she had never brought it up. I was a little restless, prob just bc they were constantly opening my door and eventually just stopped closing it.Â
Iâm just trying to let go of control. I donât want my phone back. I need to talk to someone about the insane anxiety I feel when I think about home back to the real world.Â
Even just being in my apartment scares me b/c it feels like its full of negative energy. I need to focus on the good when I get out.Â
I keep thinking about my phone bill and I canât remember if I paid for internet. Also the maintenance light is still on in my car.Â
Even though mom and dad are coming today I need to be communicating less w/ outside world. If I really want to be off the grid I need to really b alone with me thoughts and be okay with it.Â
I kept feeling for my phone throughout the night.Â
I wonder what the nurses think of me. do I seem different than everyone else?
I keep finding myself trying to relate to the nurses, esp. the young male one (hair) but what am I trying to prove? That Iâm not like everyone here?Â
Newsflash, asshole, I amÂ
(Iâm the asshole)
I need a sharper pencil- do you think a lobotomy joke will be appropriate when I request one orr?
I wonder if Prather has texted me. Iâm supposed to sub on the 21st.Â
Yikes
Not looking forward to checking my bank account. I really spent a lot w/out giving a shit. It was freeing but I also havenât worked in over a week + a half soooooo.Â
On homesickness is so dramatic but I love it. Makes me think of Taylor. (bc home, not the drama)
Also I think Iâm getting fucking sick. Or, according to Lula (Flula) in 19, Iâm getting hospital cooties.Â
7:27 amÂ
Iâm in TV room w/ singer. I asked what weâre watching and she said âsome kind of cartoonâ. Sheâs not screaming which is awesome. Iâm going to read Wuthering Heights.Â
Almost 8Â
Called dad and asked him to bring me a pair of readers since my eyes hurt. Nice nurse #2 is here again. Sheâs blonde. I havenât seen Maria again. Met another nurse too. She was young. Also thereâs a fake nurse (fake nurses are in teal, like hair, and he real ones are in blue) who I def. know. Cant figure out from where, maybe high school? Either way, not cool with it. Also, they sharpened my pencil.Â
TIME TBD
Having a hard time focusing on reading. My eyes hut.Â
I donât like waiting around.Â
Is it petty to point out inconsistencies in the rules? Thereâs different info on different sheets in the packet they gave us. Makes me wonder how closely these patients are reading it. Its all petty though, like whether or not we should take 5 or 10 minutes to use the phone or how many visitors we can have at a time.Â
I know myself too well, ill be bringing it up. Iâm going to check on breakfast.Â
8:30ish
breakfast was sub par. Sat alone. New girl, sat w/ double lasagna. She only wanted milk so homeboy asked if he could eat hers! Has he learned nothing?? I ate pretty quick; I think I need to go back to sleep. I feel weird.Â
Time-?
Dr.?? (nice psychiatrist) came in and we talked. Started fine but I got really upset b/c of how much I feel like garbage and I donât now if I want to be here. But also I donât want to go back to the real world. She left and I went to go get a visteral 25 mg b/c Iâm so upset. They gave it to me and when I got back to my room I 100% had a panic attack.Â
I felt like I was a kid again. Maybe its b/c Iâm here but Iâve never been sure that what it was until now. They happened a lot as a kid and usually ended in my mom holding me and saying everythingâs ok. Its so hard not having that now. I left my room and the med student from Sunday was in the hall and he came and talked to me until I calmed down.Â
With talking to them I finally feel like Iâve been able to verbalize how anxious I feel here along with how I feel about leaving. I just need to rest my eyes for right now, but when Iâm up I need to write down what Dr. B said about when I get out.Â
I miss my parents.Â
Time unknown
Honestly canât remember what happened next.Â
Social worker came in, sheâs lovely. Talked a bit then I kept resting.Â
She gave me some info on how to stay grounded during a panic attack.Â
Then I think I went to the rec room to do a puzzle but then religion group started. I stuck around but then little dr came to get me and asked if I would meet with big table of doctors even though I hate it.Â
I did it but it made me upset again. They said they would come talk to me but they havenât.Â
I fell asleep again then not Maria nurse came to tell me theyâre gonna give me more adavan once my visteral wears off. Fell back asleep then got a drink/ate lunch.
My puzzle got hijacked so I brought a new one into my room. I hit a wall so I stopped to write all this down and go find out what they talked about it my meeting.Â
I think its around 1 pm.Â
2pm
Sat and watched how I met your mother for a little. Started crying. Asked a nurse when I was gonna get talked to when little doc came up. they gave me an adavan and now Iâm waiting for him to come talk to me. the maid is making up Shaunaâs old bed while I sit and cry. Very awk.Â
I donât know why I keep crying. I just feel like Iâm going to keep having these attacks. I feel so hopeless.Â
Still sitting here crying. Still no doctor.Â
My name is Abigail and I am safe. I am in the present and I am safe.Â
~505
lil doc came to talk to me and I got upset. I donât understand what my next move is.Â
Just slept pretty hard until now then got dinner. Going back to sleep is very tempting.Â
I think Iâm allowed another pill. Whatâs the point?Â
6:50 pmÂ
I honestly donât know what Iâve been doing since after dinner. Iâve been doing the puzzle in the TV room. Iâve been watching the office. I asked nice nurse if I could have another pill but sheâs pretty sure she cane until its time for bed. My anxiety is pretty high right now my parents will be here in like an hour.Â
7 pm
officially been hoarding pencils. They say I can have an atavan at 10 pm for bed, but they gave me a V. im wondering if thatâs going to help me sleep. Theyâre going to put me on abilify on top of my startera. Iâm hoping theyâll give me some of this visteril to take home in case I start to freak.Â
Decided that in order to help me not get stressed I want someone to take my phone and ask me one by one about who texted/called/emailed and help me deal with it. Same w/ my bank statement.Â
I want to say I feel better, but I donât know. Its just all a blur.Â
I want to see m parents so I can find out what the move is when I get out. Maybe a meeting with Andrea and social working and one of them would be cool.Â
I donât want to get out after Taylor leaves. Fuck.
Double lasagna and biter left.Â
* is still here, and fake Abby is MIA.Â
New girl who I donât knowÂ
New guy Brandon- wears vansÂ
And tad who Mack warned me about. Apparently he called 911 on the nurses from the phones.Â
Bold move.Â
Fake Abby and I are friends. I think sheâs lonely, I know she wants to be my roommate, but I canât deal with that.Â
Now I just kill time until mom gets here.Â
930 ish?
Mom and dad came and I feel a bit better. Mom and I did our crossword puzzle and dad and I figured out grad school. I also had him assure me I donât need to worry about $ right now.Â
I asked for a pen but they said no. but I STOLE ONE FROM MY DAD!!Â
Honestly its low on ink but just having it feels great.Â
Just called my mom and said goodnight to Mack. I feel ok. Mostly just shook b/c of how much of a dream this all feels like. But Iâm ok. Time to crossword and eat my poptart like the star patient I am. And Iâm gonna do it in god damn pen!Â
Goals for tomorrow-Â
- track when all meds taken
- get better at checking timeÂ
8am
slept like shit. But I think I might go home today?! Iâm sick so my head fucking hurts. I dontknow what to think. I just want to sleep in my own bed.Â
11amÂ
talked to dr. B + some of the team and I think Iâll just stay another night. It was hard for me to think of what I wanted to b/c I just woke up. but she made a good point that if Iâm sick and drowsy it could be good to stay since theyâll change the time I get the abilify. I donât know. Just very tired.Â
1109
Watching fresh prince. Thought there was gonna be group in here, but so far nothing. Fuck this.Â
Fake Abby told shirt he looks like Carlton and no shit he kind of does. He deadass did the dance while he was walking out. He thinks side burns were cool. Now singer is singing Elvis songs.Â
Newer girl is even scarier sheâs very touchy. Seems like she doesnât listen.Â
singer is standing directly in front of the tv. She threatened to fire the nurse that told her to stop.Â
Shirt is leaving today.Â
New girl just came in and snatched the stuff out of singerâs hands and then tried to talk to everyone. Now singer is out for blood. New girl is wild.Â
1140
going to lay in bed until lunch.Â
~12
slept a little until lunch. Hamburger and a coke.Â
Iâm def staying another night. Thinking of some ideas for pickup since I need someone to go back to my apt w/ me.Â
I think thatâs the move. And then if its horrible I can try to stay somewhere else. Iâm thinking of asking my sisters. Idk. Might call some of them now.Â
Iâm really just waiting to get something for my cough.Â
215
just slept super hard
even denied taking my cough meds so I could sleep more
I finally got into the rec room and unsurprisingly it was a disappointment.Â
Couldnât find macks mark so I left.Â
Gonna go try to get more crosswordÂ
255
just called Chelsea, she said she would try to come over after work/talk to liv about doing the same. I just want to take a real shower.Â
Crazy Tad just said hi to me.Â
New girl (maid) is asleep sitting up, weâre watching that 70âs show.Â
My shirt smells like Keenan.Â
Also its almost snack!Â
Hmmmmm 4?Â
took a shower after smashing a poptart. The sheets they gave me to use as a bathmat smells like actual piss and shit- maybe I shouldnât have wrapped myself in it.Â
A little before 5
Slept again. Got woken up for dinner. It was ok. God Iâm so fucking tired.Â
Iâm glad Iâm writing everything down b/c its all such a blur.Â
Cant remember if I already wrong down that I talked to chels. I want help meal prepping and doing some laundry. Also someone to sleep over. I want my own bed, but I donât want to be alone. I donât want my phone. I donât know what good anyone can do me right now until my meds get figured out. I donât know!!Â
I met my new nurse, DD, who said Iâm taking my abilify in an hour. Then I want my sleeping pills so I can konk out, ugh.Â
Time to lay down. Again.Â
I think I fell asleep again?
Went to get my abilify around 615. Panic attack happened again.Â
I canât stop crying and I donât want to be here anymore w/out talking to someone about all my regrets.Â
I think more than anything Iâm really disappointed with how this whole thing is going down.Â
Just want to stop crying.Â
830 pm
calmed down. Kind of okay w/ leaving but also so anxious.Â
844
Singer has 12 different personalities.Â
About to go ask for my meds/follow up on whatâs up w/ the nurseâs researchÂ
9ishÂ
Ate a poptart. Nurse was doing meds so she hasnât looked into anything. Took 2 hydroxizines (50 mg) + a 3 mg melatonin. Called dad, still not a grad student. Very frustrating. Everything sucks but its ok bc I am Abigail Nash and I am safe in the present. I am not in the past. The present. And there are people that love me.Â
ThursdayÂ
- if⊠because thenÂ
- one day at a timeÂ
9 am?
Had breakfast, found out Iâm going home today.Â
Called mom + dad, and mom is gonna pick me up around 5Â
2 more free meals!Â
Getting a therapist is going to take a minute but I feel ok about itÂ
Nurse Nadine is so sweet.Â
These people are getting the wildest thank you cards later.Â
930
Iâm going to get a watchÂ
I donât like not always knowing the timeÂ
That fucking short haired nurse came in again and gave me shit for being in my room
 Donât know her nameÂ
But I donât want toÂ
Iâm getting out here short haired lady! And Iâm pulling out to win!Â
Iâm getting sleepy, fuckÂ
I have like 8 hours to killÂ
Soooo
Suddenly now that I know Iâm getting out I feel like some kind of bubble has been burst and I feel semi normalÂ
Am I really the Angelina Jolie of this place? Not actually Angelina, but her character from Girl Interrupted?Â
Sheâs hot in that too, though.
Final thoughts for now- RIP Brittany Murphy.Â
925
group- only going because nurse Nadine is leading it.Â
Tad gave a very sweet little speech about his dad
Grabby girl wouldnât share, she it nuts
But now miss congeniality is on!!
1055
cute rec therapist let me into the rec room. I wroteÂ
SCABZ
In big letters on the table, and made a picture frame. Also played ping pong with grabby. Iâm not even going to go into how that went.Â
Update: grabby thinks Iâm her momÂ
My best gift:
The gift of travel. Travel in the sense of moving, traveling to see a friend, or a friend traveling to see me. travel has allowed me to maintain friendships w/ people I usually wouldnât. Another gift coming from travel is my best friend, Taylor who traveled to another state for school, where I met her. And the gift of going to visit my best friend in France a few years ago who Iâve known since I was 9.Â
~~~~ when the party is at itâs best, itâs time to leave the party ~~~~Â
- Tadâs ex-father-in-law
almost noonÂ
Tad (ok turns out its not the Tad Mack was talking about) said some really good stuff in group and when he was talking about finding balance I said, âlike the yin for your yang?â and he did not know what I was really talking about but it fit into the convo really well. So I started to draw him one and when it was over I gave it to him and he was really touched. I feel really good about it. It sucks Iâm just now getting to go to group but I think my meds might be working b/c I havenât gone back to sleep yet.Â
Also, they said I could keep 19!Â
I need to get some books together to donate. And some puzzles.Â
After lunchÂ
Pulled pork. Singer change the channel on TV to cartoons. I see a nap in my future. Also brushing my teeth.Â
Thereâs a new kid, heâs gotta be newly 18 b/c he looks young.Â
Tried playing monopoly w/ Tad, maid, and new guy, but it devolved.Â
Thought he was cute but he might be nuts (shocker)
I said he was welcome to my books and he looks a mans search for meaning and Iâm about to leave so I donât think im getting it back.Â
Amanda wrote a nice note in it. That sucks. I gotta stop being so nice.Â
I asked them to give me a visterile and they did. I should be ready to rock when mom gets here.Â
430
did more painting- made a weird sign for door knobs. No sign of homeboy + my book. I kind of donât want to leave, but I refuse to let myself have fomo in a place like this. Idk what the move is for my book. He better be reading it. I donât want to leave before dinner so he can at least have a chance to say something to me about it.Â
Tad is really fun to hang out w/. he is really nice. We talked about grounding during panic attacks and he invited me to play monopoly and we talked about how it sucks that we all just started talking to each other but thatâs also prob just a sign that the meds are working.Â
I saw he put my yin yang in the front of his journal. Very sweet.Â
This isnât to say he isnât totally nuts. Also, young guy said my voice reminded me of âstuffâ what the fuck.Â
Grabber called me mom and tried to give me her hand.Â
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everyone;s doing this so, who in sk would you ship your mutuals with?
SKHDKDJ ANOn i was dreading the day that Igot this ask bc I really suck at these so i had to think sm abt it with mypeANUT brain buT iâll try this is super cute đ
@bchanies + FELIX 100% the BIGGEST memes iâve everseen istg like I feel that talking to her is what talking to felix would belike sdjhdf i feel like both of them would feed off each otherâs extraness andprobably just sCREAM together 24/7 also both are the biggest sunshines everlike both have such bright personalities im suddenly blin d + also to me felixbeing the sweetheart he is just comes off like the type of person thats good atcheering up others and making them happy and its whAT SHE DESERVES
@chanbng + chan :â) Both of them have sm in commonim sjdfsks (AKA THE FACT THAT I LOVE BOTH OF THEM SM)  ok first of all both are incredibly talentedlike ;;; both chan and fishy are the type of person that are like talentvending machines lmao yesterday you were floored by a post flooding withtalent? WhOOPS now hereâs 3873 more things they can do binch you thought andboth need more SLEEP like im gonna actually buy a plane ticket to tuckboth of yall to sleep istg
@hyyunjinn + minho! sorry not sorry i feel like both have similarpersonalities like both of them are pretty blunt and straightforward and wonthesitate to express what they think so i feel like they are kinda like aperfect fit :â) alsO they are both rly soft if you dont know what i mean justlook at her tags i always clench my heart reading them đ
@hyunjinh + chan! dont ask why i just really seeit lmao i think their personalities are alike and I feel like both would di efor each otherâs humor idk I really feel like theyâre super similar skhdjd ican just imagine both feeding off each otherâs dumb jokes haha also not tomention both are insanely talented like if i had to give a penny every time iwas floored by their talent iâd be broKE AF
@chuuyo ok so i hIGHKEY admire nic a lot and ifeel like sheâs a really sweet and caring person sheâs also INFINITELY talentedher works are seriously so amazing and that somehow instantly leads my mind towoojin! Woojinâs so talented from is voice to his guitar and piano playing rlythe talented legends we never deserved and just imagining her with woojin issuer cute :â))
@realstraykids + minho! I could say that minhowould be lucky to have em but that would be such an understatement?? em isseriously the sweetest person ever and if minho ever were to be hard on himselfeM would be there and square to love and support 1000%. These two would beserious power couple goals that the rest of usâŠare not worthy⊠to beholdâŠ+ bothare infinitely talented like ???? Where they get all that talent is stillunknown for us mortals
@straykidzz + felix đđđ I rEALLY love and admire manda sm but dont tellher i said that probably the reason why he was the first one to come to my mindis bc of how both are insanely talented and not only that but have haveimproved sm with time???? like im ?? felix is super hardworking and hasimproved sm since the first episodes and it really reminds me of her like sheshowed me the before and after of her gifs and honestly im still so shook?? Andi feel like her and felixâs personality would just fit rly well tbh and iâdlove to see how she would cope with felixâs extraness skdjdj truly a superiorpower couple
@seungminty + seungmin! shEâS SO SOFT FOR HIM ICANT DEAL a king and a queen tbh weâve all been knew this is truly one superiorcouple like have you seen this and this????? ânuff said alsO her text postsabout him and woojin are literally everything seungmin is indeed one lucky man đ
@spearbin + changbin! How could you not ship thistbh CAMILLEâS LOVE FOR HIM IS LITERALLY EVERYTHING Her text posts abt him arethe reason to all my soft changbin hours istg I always die when I see them andI can just imagine her saying all those cute ass text posts to him and changbinwould probably pretend to not care while his ears just  got super red andTHATâS A CONCEPT I LIVE FOR
@jeongin + jisung! Luna is seriously soooo sweetand caring towards her friends and she will mOST likely go off if you mess withthem (I love her sm omgsdkjf) which reminds me of how much  jisung caresfor his members :â)) + her works are so pretty and aesthetic they just reallygive off a jisung vibe to me! Â
@iloveminbin + minho! This is the super soft yetlowkey savage couple lmaoo sof is seriously so sweet istg I really donâtdeserve her she loves minho sm her tags for him never fail to make me soft afbut she is actually secretly savage just like him skdhks like when minho issuper sweet and caring to the members yet he wonât hesitate to eliminate themwhen there isnât enough food đđALSO THIS IS THE POWER VISUAL COUPLE JUST SAYIN DONT @ ME SOF
@stray-kids-trash + hyunjin yes just ..yes⊠TWO OF THE SOFTEST SWEETHEARTS its super adorable howsweet and caring she is towards the people close to her I literally love alexsm and hyunjin is pretty much the same so i feel like they would be the softestpower couple if you ask me also,,the height difference would be the cutestthing ever,,,like if she ever needed to grab smth hyunjin would be right thereto help her or if they hugged how she would,,just kinda disappear in hisarms,,,and thats,,, super cute,, dont block me pls
@lovelyyhyunjin + HYUNJIN LMAO Ok not only are bothof them absolute sweethearts which i love bUT THEYâRE BOTH CLUMSY AS HECC ITDBE SO FUNNY AND CUTE SKDHJD I thought i was the clumsiest person untill i metalyssa tbh lmaoo but apart from that theyâre both insanely caring and sweet andi would give them the world ;;
@stray-kids-stuff + jisung! Cerys is truly thesweetest and such a good listener i love her to death i feel like she would beperfect for jisung and she would also be a great shoulder to lean on for himespecially how he must want to rant about the members 24/7 lmao and they wouldjust be the cutest pair istg
This is way longer than what i thought itâdbe how did this happen omg sdkjfd
#HELLO I DIDNT PROOF READ THIS SO#IF ANYTHING DOESNT MAKE SESE#JUST TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THAT I WROTE THIS AFTER A 3 HOUR NAP SDJHDDJ#did i already mention im not good at this#anyways this is a cute ask by e#answered
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1-100
Is a kiss considered cheating?
- oh hell yeahÂ
Have you ever faked orgasm?
-sadlyÂ
Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?
- i think its going to be a miracle if im alive in 7-8-9 yearsÂ
Tell us some funny drunk story.
- one time i got too high and i tried to pass the bowl to a frog beside meÂ
Why are you no longer together with your ex?
- ah she cut it off but i was respectful of her decisionÂ
If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be?Â
-oh shit i would love to be blasted into spaceÂ
Do you like someone?
- we shall seeÂ
Who was the last person to disappoint you?
- my damn selfÂ
Do you like your body?
- depends on the dysphoriaÂ
Can you keep a diet?
- nah stoned me has no rulesÂ
If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?
- ditch the white people!Â
Do you work?
- sadlyÂ
If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?
- anything alyssas mom cooksÂ
Would you get a tattoo?
- i have two!Â
Something you donât mind spending all your money on?
- my friends and trasnition
Can you drive?
- im the only one of my friends that doesÂ
When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?
-all of my friends are saps so we say it all the time
What was the last thing you cried for?
- uh we ran out of skim milk at work and i just lost itÂ
Is life fun?
- can be with the right peopleÂ
Is farting in front of people irrelevant?
- u just gotta know how to pull it offÂ
Whatâs your dream car?
- small truck/ something with roomÂ
Are grades in school important?
- hell yeah if u want to do more stuff with ur lifeÂ
Describe your crush.
- listens well, affectionate, funny, idk im an easy date manÂ
What was your last lie?
- im gonna go to bed earlyÂ
Dumbest lie you ever told?Â
- ONE TIME MY SISTER FOUND MY VIBRATOR SO I HAD TO TELL HER IT WAS ANÂ âoil paint spreaderâ AND THATS HONESTLY THE STUPIDEST THING TO COME OUT OF MY MOUTH BUT SHE BOUGHT ITÂ
Is crying in front of people embarrassing?
- for me yeah but not for other people
Something you did and you are proud of?
- i did a still life a little while ago and i really like how it turned outÂ
Whatâs your favourite cocktail?
- whiskey ginger!Â
Something you are good at?
- fuckin up lolÂ
Do you like small kids?
- I hate babies but i love hanging out with 3+ yr oldsÂ
How are you feeling right now?
- could be betterÂ
What would you name your daughter/son?
- im naming my next cat Beau
What do you need to be happy?
- good friends, my plants, my animals
Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?
- dumbasses at work and jazzercise ladyÂ
What was the last gift you received?
- someone gave me a cookie today lol
What was the last gift you gave?
- i sent u a package!!
What was the last concert you went to?
- tbh havent been to one in foreverÂ
Favourite place to shop at?
- i like thrift stores and little unique shopsÂ
Who inspires you?
- anyone who knows what theyre doingÂ
How old were you when you first got drunk?
-16 i thinkÂ
How old were you when you first got high?
- like 15-16
How old were you when you first had sex?
- 14
When was your first kiss?
- 8
Something you want to do until the end of this year?
- idk if i get this oneÂ
Is there something in the past you wish you hadnât done?
- legit just erase years 9-15
Post a selfie.
- in a separate postÂ
Who are you most comfortable around?
- probably @wild-wild-wonder or @gnomepapi
Name one thing that terrifies you.
- heights, fuckin hate them
What kind of books do you read?
- as cheesy as it sounds i like good ol YA novelsÂ
What would you tell your 12 year old self?
- boys aint shit and just talk to peopleÂ
What is your favourite flower?
- bearded irises!Â
Any bad habits you have?
- use weed as a coping mechanism so i do that wayyyy too muchÂ
What kind of people are you attracted to?
- anyone whos into me tbhÂ
What was the last thing you cried for?
- skim milk and my parents kicking me out (its all good now)Â
Is there something you donât eat? Some food that truly disgust you?
- fuckin hate eggs and tomatoesÂ
Are you in love?
- im an ENFP and a sagittarius dude im always in loveÂ
How long was your longest relationship?Â
- 2 yearsÂ
What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?
- rampant misogyny, toxic masculinity, violence in generalÂ
What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex?Â
- straight women
What are you saving money for?
- to move out soonÂ
How would you describe your bad side?
- whiny bitchass who cant deal with shit like a normal personÂ
Are you actually a good person? Why?
- idk if truly good people exist but ive done too much bad shit to be one of themÂ
What are you living for?
- a new easel and the opportunity to use itÂ
Have you ever done anything illegal?
- LMAO yesÂ
Do you like your body?
- i love some parts of it and some parts i dontÂ
Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?
- oh hell yeah
Ever sent nudes?
- yep
Have you ever cheated on someone?
- yep, not proud but yep
Favourite candy?
- kitkat!
Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!
- i follow over a thousand people on this hell site man idk whatâs even happeningÂ
Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?
- i play OW on pc a little but i suck at it lolÂ
Are you religious? Does God exist?
- oh god exists, he fucking hates meÂ
What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?
- its cool just dont be preachy about it and get pissed when others arentÂ
How long have you been on Tumblr?
- like 4 or 5 yearsÂ
Do you like Chineese food?
- fave kind
McDonalds or Subway?
- subway but only from the one near my highschool where the dude gives me free foodÂ
Vodka or whiskey?
- bothÂ
Alcohol or drugs?
- both
Ever been out of your province/state/country?
- i try to make it canada once a year! my dads family is up there so i like to see themÂ
Meaning behind your blog name?
- it might be bc i fuck werewolves but idkÂ
What are you scared of?
- my boss cutting my pay to 2.25 bc sheâs mad at usÂ
Last time you were insulted?
- today lol
Most traumatic experience ?
- yeaaahhhhh thats not happeningÂ
Favourite app on your phone?
- tumblr consumes my life as alwaysÂ
What colour are the walls in your room?- white man i live in an apartmentÂ
Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?
- i love cryaotic! his voices puts me to sleepÂ
Share your favourite quote.
- i cant remember anything my dudeÂ
Do you like horror movies?
- i like horror i just fucking hate jump scaresÂ
Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?
- yeah i told her i was gayÂ
Do you feel lucky or special in a way?
- i love my friends and i feel incredibly lucky to know themÂ
Can you keep a secret?
- idk can iÂ
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