#this is mostly in jest im not upset

[tickle-bugs]

pros of writing these fic/ficlet requests with very little proofreading: i actually finish them, i can write three or four in a day when i have time, it forces me to get out of my own head and actually post

cons: the typos gather outside my house and beat the shit out of me

[undeadorion-archive]

I had a serious falling out with a friend last night. I understand she was upset, but she hurt me so severely, I just had to close the door.

It started with a simple conversation back on Thursday. It was severely hot outside, which makes me feel sick and fuzzy headed. I had just gotten off work so I was a bit wrung out mentally. Then this conversation happened.

For context, I have discussed avoiding burnout with this person more times than I can count. I have outright told her that certain things were bad ideas, and she's told me the same. We've outright told each other to stop doing things or to not do things. None of this, in the moment, felt off. At least to me. And that last comment about reminding her of the conversation from me was meant in jest.

It wasn't until that following Sunday that I realized this person hadn't said a word to me, because on Saturday I'd sent her something and she still didn't respond. Mind you, because of past experiences and a dash of a trauma response, I have had to work extremely hard to not have a panic attack over every silence from a supposed friend. It used to be a mere half hour delay in responding to me could have me near tears thinking they were punishing me and searching for what I could have done wrong. The urge is still there, but now I just assume people are busy or distracted or just didn't know what to say. I can go days without hearing from someone and be totally fine now. But it's taken a lot of work.

The post I made about my stance on the silent treatment was in part trying to convince myself that I trusted this person and she wouldn't do that to me. With a small grain of if she saw it, maybe she'd finally say something. Because I couldn't find anything I'd done different that could have caused the silence. I trusted she would tell me what was wrong if I'd done something wrong.

Finally, yesterday (Tuesday), I directly addressed her silence with a simple statement and asking if something was up. I wasn't going to intentionally accuse her of shutting me out on assumption alone. Maybe she was super busy with something and just didn't have the time. I'd sure been busy, myself.

Boy was I wrong. A few hours later she responded, and started swinging. Immediately. She called the above conversation a disagreement and insisted that I'd told her she was wrong somehow. But what set me off was the statement of "...when you did message me you didn't even acknowledge our disagreement. It was just like nothing had happened." When from my perspective nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

She sent me part of the conversation above (mostly my last two statements) and outright said:

Followed by things like "How could you NOT know it was wrong." and "im not putting words in your mouth thats literally a screenshot of what you said" ignoring that she'd followed it up by insisting the screenshot said something that it didn't.

That's when she threw gasoline on the already out of control fire

In the moment I didn't have the words. I didn't even have the capacity to process why that simple dismissal stung so bad. Even now, I'm struggling to find the words. I think at least at this point it comes down to a sort of hypocrisy. This whole situation came down to how she felt about a situation and her interpretation of the conversation. But to her, those feelings on the matter were objective reality, so my perception is just flat out wrong.

Things dissolved after that because I'd lost what little patience I'd had. I just kept telling her in every possible way that we were done. And I stand by that. I have a handful of things that are a zero tolerance type of deal. She hit on several of them: expecting me to automatically know how she felt without communication, twisting my words to mean something different from any reasonable interpretation, demanding I apologize for things I never did or intended based on her assumptions alone, tried to start name calling, blatant hypocrisy in expectations versus her behavior, and of course the lengthy silent treatment.

I guess I'm putting this out there because I can't say it all to her directly. Because in the moment I was so mentally stunned by that many blows that I couldn't come up with the words.

If you genuinely just want an apology out of someone, don't jump on them with claws out. Your feelings are valid, especially when you've been hurt, but that does not entitle you to make accusations based on feelings alone. Use statements like "What you said made me feel like you thought I might fail" instead of "You said I'd fail!" That is, unless the person objectively and directly said that you would fail.

I'm an oblivious, neurodivergent mess. I'm often texting at the store or other places where my mind isn't fully focused on the conversation. I have zero social skills and struggle to read social cues. If you do not communicate something directly, I will likely miss it entirely. For my own health, I don't sit and scrutinize every interaction for a micro detail I may have overlooked. If you expect that of me, if you expect me to infer your mental state from a sheer lack of interaction, it is well within my right to say fuck you and fuck off to your face.

[lokbobpop]

Critical criticism criticize

inclined to find fault or to judge with severity, often too readily: parents who are too critical. occupied with or skilled in criticism: one of the great critical journalists. involving skillful judgment as to truth, merit, etc.; judicial: a critical analysis. of or relating to critics or criticism: critical essays

1640s, "to pass judgment (usually unfavorable) on something," from critic + -ize. Meaning "to discuss critically" is from 1660s; that of "to censure, point out defects or faults in" is from 1704. ... The earlier verb for "to criticize" was simply critic (c. 1600), from French critiquer.

Critical crit i cal c rit i cal

Criticism crit ic is m c right is me

Criticize cri it size crictic eyes

Writing the word criticize

Im so bad a thsi it feels not nice to admit to it like i dont want to see me as the person that criticizes everything like the girls I criticize them all the time for what they haven’t or have done im constantly on there case i want me i want more from them thinking if i put them down they might realize what there doing with out seeing realizing and understanding that ive got the problem with being so criticizing to them not thinking what they are doing is good enough

Writing the word criticism

I dont take criticism very well i dont like it it makes me feel stupid a rush of dread comes over me when im being criticism towards me i feel empty i want to move away from the criticism i cant take it and see if there is truth in it can it help me i see this a point of ego fro me my knees especially suffer so this is good i need to realize that maybe not all criticism is good but i can learn about myself within it or another how they might see themselves and only reflection of what they think.

Critical

It’s critical for me to push on with process a best i can so i can be of help to others.

Reading the words critical criticism criticize

Out planet id in a critical stage and i feel confused as what to do and how im letting my mind make me believe thsi is going to be a tough time and not see thsi is whats making me ill looping the mind of fear

Being told im wrong just hurts me why because i see im back at school and i cant do something and i dont take it well as i see theres many things i cant do compared to others and i feel bad about myself for not being bale to do them and i dont wont anymore of it as i see i cant handle it like theres so much stuff how can i get any more worse than what it is already and i say no to myself no more will i live like feeling im not good enough so i dont accept what you say it cant be true no more please you have to be wrong not me anymore i will fight this to the death because i cant do this anymore of not being good enough so i will fight fight fight you until the bitter end why? Because it hurts why I don’t want no more enough why its a heavy load then put it down dont carry it anymore you choose to carry it no one tells you to carry it yes true to hear Bna more will i carry criticism towards me but will use it to help me see myself ot another,

Guilt for all the criticizing i do towards my family mostly how i put them down to feel better about myself i saw thsi when chris does it to me he wants just feel better about himself and not see what must be seen about self so you go into putting it on another because you cant deal with it towards your self and then go into blame why i think the feeling of winning of being better makes you think you are better but your not your just not seeing it within ones self that you’ve got a problem and you need to deal with it and fear come up then that when i see it within chris i see and judge him as being more immature than me and myself better so theres to angles going on here whether i fall for his criticism and get upset ot i then see im as being an immature person for saying such things and why doesn’t he see this is wrong.

Sayin out loud

To be in a critical condition in hospital and may die comes up not wanting to hear these words ever about anybody i know thinking this is the worse thing to hear that someone is critically ill and my die you want then to pull through get better.

Its critical that we change move past he mind live us its so critical we get this point within us

Sf

Does this definition support me no how i fear getting it and how i feel guilt giving it and how critical it is write now to for me to push myself tp change

Critical cry it call

Criticism cry tis me

Criticize cry tic eyes

Critical criticism criticize

It’s critical i push myself to the max and get my progress done

The i planet is on the critical list of things to happen and we need to grow with this change it’s critical

To see if there is anything to be learnt from another’s criticism if not see why the person feels the need to do so why they would feel it necessary and support them and learn

criticizing in a way someone can learn from it as in jest laughter to see the funny side of it not to be taken personally

I will live these words with self growth on how i handle myself within to be critical on how im processing to take on criticism well and to only criticize in jest to open up a point in self with living words of self love self respect self honesty.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I'm pretty proud of myself today. It's easy to feel like you're doing better when there's no imminent problem - it's coping with those problems that really define "doing better". Today I did better.

I was really upset I didn't get my deposit from welfare and I had alot of negative thoughts like I don't deserve this money anywYs and I should just struggle because it's a hand out but like that's not really okay and even if other people think that they're not stealing food to eat? I live a secondary very poverty filled life. I keep up an act of being healthy or not hungry or not in need. I put an effort into how I look even if I can't really afford to all the time because your less likely to receive help the more you look like you need help.

But this is my honest true life and I actually appreciate my friend seeing through my jokes about it and responding in a moderately serious manner and relating to my plight. It helped set a better honest reality between us as well.

So I cried about it and was frustrated. I wanted to get more overdraft but it's shameful I'm in overdraft already and I shouldn't need to anyways. They wouldn't do it over the phone. I decided to get dressed and take pictures. Then I went to the square and worked on my laptop for an hour before it died and I went home. But then a few hours later, after eating lunch, I went to the library and continued to work on my shop before going home again.

I got frustrated around 5 - still no money and it's been six fucking days. Four business days. Crazy. It's a direct deposit. I went to the bank and asked about it - they had no answer. I asked about overdraft and I had like an awkward meeting with I suppose my financial guy. He d3cidrd to apply for a credit card like its somehow any better but then forged the hell out of the application and I left but wow the insane lies he put that are not remotely what my life is.like he created a fantasy life on paper that is just lies. I did not realize until I walked away because I did not tell him anything of this nature so wow.

Then I saw a friend who offered more cash which I felt realllllllly shitty for because she's given me 140$ in like a week. Literally. And I can only hope she doesn't put that together cuz wow that's not good. But I didn't ask her for anything but 50 so it's less bad but not good. Not proud. I am trying though. This is the most amount of trying I've done and like I want to just be better but it's a process and I'm really learning to accept the process of getting better. It really is like daily hourly thing and I'm being mindful to take it easy because I can't do it all. Im not even ready to. But I am ready to let go of my past and my tragedy. Here's a fun tinder fact: no matter how long u talk to a person, no matter what topic if youbmention dead parents the convo almost always stops. I am literally being myself. I have no I'll will or anything like I'm being friendly and socializing and being interested in the people of the world and as soon as that drops, it's like a r3cord scratch, everyone leaves. Like am I lying? Do they think I'm making it up? Is it too heavy? Man, ppl casually drop oh I'm having dinner at mybmoms or fishing with dad but I can't even say they don't exist.

This is not a me problem. That's their problem and I'm not mad about it but it's something to know. I have to ignore this to maintain regular conversation and that sucks but I have to adapt.

I'm becoming independent from him and it's great not to be tied up emotionally in him. I love him and it's not over but I really don't care right now. I am working on me. He said today in jest that I didn't call him back like I said I would a few hours before. I didn't realize he even cared. He doesn't really but he does. He mentioned not getting a desperation text yesterday I guess because he called and I didn't actually call back. He knows I'm on tinder as well and I'm sincerely not even going to meet anyone in person but it's really harmless. I think he knows this but obviously feels some ways.

To be honest I'm not sure how to be a better partner right now. I include him in my happenings for the most part and I maintain interest in his life but he's not here and I'm honestly getting bored. Hopefully as I get better I'll find more things to occupy my time. Like if I keep trying and working on myself it'll just come to my life because it's apart of getting better. Maybe I'll paint. The mandolin was really good even if I play3d it 5 times. That really saved me and like gave me one iota of who I am. I am a wake up and do a thing person. I make it happen. And I showed myself that I could get a mandolin and play it to some d3gree. I made music with it. Very well invested 17$ to lay on the floor and play bad mandolin.

So I can do this. And maybe progress and gettingbbeter sometimes is boring. That's what makes it unappealing to the depressed. It's not super fun all the time. It's not instant happy.

I have no plans for tomorrow. I really want my bike back from my not great friends house but she's far and sucks. I don't want to hang out with her. I don't have a ton of options and I mostly hangout with her for free weed now. Not because I really want to see her. Doesn't help the boredom problem.

I do have some money and I hope my other money comes in because I'm scared to spend this now. Actually it's okay because I've spent some and can't afford easy weed. I think I'll survive with the small amounts I gather and if I do go to her house for free weed I really need to ride my bike home so maybe I won't go unless I do that but weed isn't known for its activity.

Atleast I'll have reason to go out and eat. Maybe grocery store for cat food. New pens for my journal. I wish I had my bike to go the other way even though it's probably the same distance as the normal walk. I could get better pens.

Whatever. If I wake up and get dressed it'll be great. I'm trying to take a picture a day which is easy and builds confidence and explores my early creative life passions again. I used to take great self portraits. I want to do that again but my phone really sucks. I still used to make do anyways. I'm trying to do my makeup with effort even though it's cheap shitty makeup. I look okay though. I'm not trying to hide anything but it's like putting on a mask and helps me pretend like I'm apart of the hustle too.

I do miss him.