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lightsandlostbells · 6 years ago

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Skam season 3, episode 5 reaction (1/2)

I don’t tend to think of Skam in episodes so much as clips, but this is easily one of the strongest overall episodes of the series, and it feels like a turning point in the season in terms of complexity. Watching it in real time was an emotional roller coaster. We also have the script for this episode with some of Julie’s comments so we can compare the two. I split this reaction into two parts because of the length, sorry if that’s annoying. It’s one of the longer episodes of the season. Second half will be up in a day or so.

SEASON THREE, EPISODE 5 - “At the same time in a completely different place”

Clip 1 - The softest scene you will see in your entire life

Lordag 15:15 for anyone keeping track

I mentioned in my episode 4 recap that the pool scene was the first scene I got to see in real time. After that first kiss, I was dying to know what came next for Isak and Even. I thought it was likely that we’d get more relationship rockiness, because that’s usually what happens in TV shows, right? Isak was going to freak out, Even might run back to his girlfriend, and maybe they’d pretend it didn’t happen and it would get all awkward between them. Because that’s what I expect from most TV shows, more dramaaaa.

Instead, I slept in the day after the pool scene, woke up, immediately checked the Skam website to watch the pool scene again, and instead saw that there was a new clip. This clip, which is one of the most iconic moments in all of Skam, and which should be prescribed by doctors as a means of lowering blood pressure.

I mean this is the image that greeted me when I opened the Skam website that day. Julie Andem did a detox on my soul with this scene.

This scene is so special. It’s different thinking about it now because Skam went on to bless us with tons of Evak physical affection, but at the time I was stunned, because gay couples in media rarely get these types of blatantly romantic, lovey-dovey scenes. I’m pretty sure this clip is a huge part of why Skam suddenly took off internationally, because people saw gifs of this scene and had a similar reaction to all the cuddling. What the hell is that? I need to check it out.

Frankly, I’d say romantic couples in media, regardless of orientation, rarely get these types of introspective, slow-paced scenes where the characters can just breathe and be together as long as Isak and Even do here. Typically if a TV show gives us a scene resembling this one, there’s some other reason it’s there; the scene is there to facilitate the plot, or usher in some drama, or carry some exposition. But rarely do we see couples just lying together and talking in this intimate way, with room for pauses, room for silence, room for the characters to just touch and look at each other. And we sure as hell don’t get them between LGBT pairings that often.

We saw long cuddle scenes with Noora and William last season, and a few with Jonas and Eva in S1, and I’m so glad that Julie didn’t have any reservations about showing Isak and Even in similar positions. Think of other shows you’ve seen with canon gay ships. A lot of them contain noticeable double standards as to the level of physical intimacy and affection the gay ships show versus the canon het ships. Sometimes the het couples can get full-on sex scenes while the gay couples can barely kiss. Granted, much of that discrepancy probably comes from people at the top, and showrunners may have to fight just to include gay characters in the first place if the network executives are cowards, let alone show them being affectionate. So I’m aware that Skam is in a unique position to depict these types of scenes between two boys. The format and distribution of the show also allows for the creative freedom to have these long quiet scenes without needing to account for commercial breaks or time restrictions or anything like that. But damn, this simple scene ends up feeling downright revolutionary because of how it commits to show these two boys falling in love with each other, without compromise.

The song choice of “I’m Not in Love” is perfect. I know some people took it literally (thinking that one or both of the boys were not in love and this wasn’t a very deep relationship, or it was evidence that Even was just messing around with Isak for fun rather than real feelings) (yes, I remember reading this) but the whole premise behind “I’m Not in Love” is that the speaker is in love, and all of the protestations he’s not in love are flimsy as hell. Oh, I call you and come to see you but don’t read too much into it. Oh, I have your picture on my wall but it’s just because it covers up a stain. NBD.

Here’s an explanation of the story behind the song from Wikipedia:

(Eric) Stewart came up with the idea for the song after his wife, to whom he had been married for eight years at that point, asked him why he didn't say "I love you" more often to her. Stewart said, "I had this crazy idea in my mind that repeating those words would somehow degrade the meaning, so I told her, 'Well, if I say every day "I love you, darling, I love you, blah, blah, blah", it's not gonna mean anything eventually'. That statement led me to try to figure out another way of saying it, and the result was that I chose to say 'I'm not in love with you', while subtly giving all the reasons throughout the song why I could never let go of this relationship."

Stewart’s description is a perfect fit for Skam’s depiction of Isak and Even’s relationship. I can name a ton of TV shows where the characters rush into saying “I love you” and throw it around in every scene even though the sentiment feels unearned. The words are just hollow and used as a shorthand for writers to say the characters feel deeply for each other, without coming up with creative, emotionally resonant ways to show these feelings of love. Skam is actually pretty restrained on having Isak and Even make a lot of dramatic statements of their feelings to each other. Instead of going for overwritten or showy speeches, Julie writes shorter lines that leave more to subtext and fit the context of the situation and characters better. There’s never a conventional “I love you” scene between Isak and Even and yet I didn’t need it because their actions constantly showed how much they loved each other.

And the lyrics can reflect Isak’s attitude at this point. He has feelings for Even but is still in the closet, still dealing with internalized homophobia. There’s still uncertainty around this relationship and where it’s headed. You can take “I’m Not in Love” as a layer of protection, downplaying this relationship to others and maybe to himself, but of course any protests from Isak are going to be as weak as the singer’s. Dude. We can see the way you’re looking at each other.

Onto this montage of smoking, kissing, and cuddling. Dreamy sigh. Isn’t this how everyone wants to imagine being in love? Comfort and safety mixed with passion and affection. This is the exploratory period, where you’re with a new person, and you can see Isak and Even testing out new kisses, new cuddles, new affectionate gestures. They’re enamored with each other and there’s still so much more to learn about each other.

Even’s smile when Isak initiates the nose rub = murder me. I still think Isak did it to make the gesture theirs after seeing Even do it to Sonja at the neon pre-drink. Thinking about it from a directing standpoint, I am dying to know if Julie was giving the actors instructions on things to try or if they were told to improv and Tarjei did the nose rub and caught Henrik by surprise, basically how this little detail came to be. Because it’s not in the script and yet it became such an iconic Evak gesture, it was incorporated throughout their scenes as a way they not only express affection but show comfort and solidarity with each other. It is theirs.

Evak having certain gestures they come back to, such as the nose rub, makes this relationship seem more real and textured. Their relationship is very specific, with its own history and inside jokes and consistencies throughout the series, and it’s one reason why it’s stuck with me so long.

The timeline is pretty ambiguous in this montage. We know that they obviously spent Saturday together, but this montage doesn’t designate a clear linear path, it jumps between their different positions and activities - smoking, laughing, making out, looking into each other’s eyes. There are also parts in some of the editing where we have Even or Isak talking but their mouths aren’t moving, giving this scene a dreamy feel. It’s almost like they’re outside of time, in their little bubble. “Can I stay in here with you forever?” seems like a real possibility.

In part of the opening montage you can see the same kiss from the end of the clip, which could just be Julie reusing footage for whatever reason, but I like it because it’s almost like a loop between the start and end of the clip. Time is irrelevant in their bubble. Everything that’s going to happen, will happen, and it’s happening now.

Tarjei and Henrik deserve so much praise for their acting in this scene. Not just because there’s no skittishness or #nohomo bullshit that you sometimes see from actors playing gay couples, but because they sell the utter adoration between their characters better than a lot of A-listers, honestly. The looks on their faces … wow. So much fond! So much love!

Henrik does a lot of fantastic physical acting throughout this scene, because Even never lets up touching Isak - tracing or rubbing his back, stroking his face. Expressing his feelings through touch. Can you imagine how much Isak is soaking all of this up?

Speaking of Isak, this is by far the softest, gentlest, and happiest we have seen Isak in this season so far, and the whole series to this point. He’s like a completely different person in this scene. Tarjei really lets down Isak’s walls.

Even is wearing the traveling Jesus shirt which is appropriate after a scene where he just played God. You can imagine Isak throwing it to him for that reason. Not because of complex Biblical symbolism and rebirth metaphors, more to be a little shit. Hey God, I found a shirt with your son on it!

I love how Even looks super charmed by Isak blowing smoke in his face.

By the way, I know I’ve said this before somewhere, but this scene always makes me think of a commercial for fabric softener, with that nice soapy clean clothes smell. In reality, though, Isak’s bedroom would have smelled like weed, boy farts, unwashed sheets, and possibly chlorine from the pool.

Eternal mysteries: What is the Nicolas Cage movie where he doesn’t overact??? Nicolas Cage has made some respectable movies, it’s not all The Wicker Man and the Kirk Cameron-less Left Behind, but I don’t know if he’s ever been subtle. What’s a movie that Isak would have seen and Even wouldn’t? Unless they have differing opinions on overacting. This is going to bug me for eternity. (On a non-Skam note: I fell into a Wikipedia hole and while I knew Nicolas Cage was related to the Coppolas, I didn’t know he was a cousin of Jason Schwartzman?)

On a similar note, this doesn’t bother me too much since I’m too enchanted with their acting and the writing, but yeah, that one strand of hair just chillin’ under Tarjei’s chin in this scene… once you see it, you can’t un-notice it. (There’s also the mic that’s visible in the opening montage.)

This scene has no pressing plot, no obvious “point” in terms of communicating exposition or advancing the storyline, but it turns out to be vitally important as a whole bunch of motifs and themes are established, we get insight into both characters, and there’s a ton of foreshadowing.

“I actually think life is like a movie. That you can be the director of your own life.” As we know, Even has a cinematic mind and sometimes takes his advice very literally, aka staging underwater kisses in random people’s houses. But it’s interesting that Even feels this way since bipolar disorder would seem to be something that makes him feel less in control. I feel like he tries to live this way deliberately as a way to handle his mental illness.

Isak being impressed by infinity, thinking about the fact of being insignificant compared to all the universes out there, though - that’s kind of surprising! Even wants to maintain some control over his life, perhaps due to having this mental illness that makes him feel out of control, but Isak just thinks out there, everything is happening to him, and he’s OK with that. He’s more fascinated by the idea and not like ... struck down with existential dread.

What’s lovely is that when Isak disagrees with Even’s point, Even is eager to hear what Isak says. They both look happy to be having debates like this. They can disagree on certain topics but it’s OK because they love to hear the other’s POV. This is such a great foundation for a relationship, that they’re not all about physical attraction and desire, but they genuinely enjoy having conversations with each other about big topics.

Have we heard Isak talk at all about Big Ideas like this, with anyone else? I can certainly believe he’s had conversations like this with Jonas, but there’s something really intimate about putting aside all the mundane topics of daily conversation and diving into the bigger, more abstract discussions, things that really reveal a lot about who you are as a person and how you process the world.

And I mean, yes, I know that they’re both stoned right now and that’s helping Isak to open up. Still!

Oh my God, do I love, LOVE, the shot of Even and Isak lying overhead as Isak says, “There’s probably a parallel universe where an Isak and an Even are lying like this…” Because that’s exactly what it is in that moment! A parallel universe! Well, maybe. You can also interpret it as a non-linear moment, since we have Isak’s voiceover (where he was clearly just talking on screen) over a shot where Isak’s mouth clearly is not moving, to a cut back to Isak talking. But I also like the idea that this shot of Isak and Even lying silently together, Even tracing Isak’s back, is from one of those parallel universes that Isak is referring to, and that’s what the AU Isak and Even are doing right at that moment.

Also, nice editing from Julie, because Even moves his head to look directly at Isak as a way to link the two shots and it’s happening in both universes, Isak talking and Isak not talking.

Plus apart from the time/parallel universe stuff, it’s honestly just a beautiful shot, where both Isak and Even are deep in contemplation, and you can imagine all that is on their minds, but they’re not voicing it at this time. Just Even rubbing Isak’s back. Just them lying together.

Both Isak and Even memorized this entire conversation, because it was that important to them, and ended up storing a whole bunch of its references in the Evak museum. Parallel universes, yellow curtains, the boy who couldn’t hold his breath underwater...

Uhhh, that soft little noise Even makes after talking about the yellow curtains? End me.

Even is pretty vulnerable during this part of the conversation, giving his thoughts on parallel universes. I guess this is heading into personal territory, but this is the scene where I first started to think Even might have depression, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it were the same for a lot of other viewers. Not just the bit where Even says the only way to escape your thoughts is by dying, though Even saying that was a huge red flag and made me think Even was suicidal, or had attempted suicide in the past. But also when he mentions how thinking about all the different universes feels lonely. And that might be a reach because surely non-depressed people can feel similarly overwhelmed by the idea of being small and insignificant in an infinite number of universes, but it just pinged me (as someone with depression) as immediately recognizable. I can’t even put it into words, it just resonated in an unsettling way. Being alone, with just you and your thoughts, is terrifying when you have depression, because your mind starts to come up with some scary things.

I think that also accounts for why Isak might not understand why Even is freaked out by the idea. While Isak’s mental health has suffered as a result of his family life and his internalized homophobia - the insomnia is a noticeable effect, for one - I don’t think he’s been suicidal, and I don’t think, even with all his stress and inner struggles, that he realizes how bad one’s thoughts can get.

The only time the camera strays from Isak and Even in bed, during this entire scene of almost seven minutes, is when Eskild knocks and talks to Isak through the door. Because that’s an interruption of the bubble. Eskild is the outside world at this point, Eskild is the reminder that people do exist beside Isak and Even. Bless Eskild, but he’s an intruder here. His sudden presence also causes Isak to come up with a lie, saying that Even’s shoes are Jonas’ shoes, reverting to his habit of lying because he’s not ready to state the truth.

By the way, if you were watching in real time and were in the fandom at the time, you’ll remember that there was a theory that actually it was Jonas talking to Isak through the door, and therefore he would catch on to those not being his shoes. Which seems kind of silly now, because Jonas and Eskild don’t sound the same, but fandom sure loved its wild theories. I miss the bonkers shit people would come up with when you’re getting canon in 3-4 minutes increments day by day and are in constant speculation mode.

I love how Even is so charmed by Isak being a brat to Eskild. And that he seems happy at Eskild’s mention of Isak staying in his room all day (because hell yeah, why not, stay in here with me, Isak). And his tightening grip on Isak’s shoulder? My heart.

Also, Even’s gaze is more on Isak’s reactions to Eskild than looking to the door toward the voice, like … he is so enamored of everything Isak does and can barely take his eyes away. (That’s the boy he’s noticed since the first day of school!!! And he’s here, he’s finally here!!)

Isak complaining that Eskild is a babysitter is totally borrowed from what Even said the night before, when he told Sonja to stop monitoring him. Isak absolutely absorbs a lot of what Even says and does and ends up imitating him.

So we finally get the explanation for how Isak met Eskild and came to live in the flat in this scene. I wasn’t watching from S2 but this would have been a dangling topic since the S2 finale, at least.

In the script it’s mentioned specifically that Isak had a fight with his father before going out and getting drunk, which breaks my heart. Isak’s dad really let all of them down. What kind of a father leaves his teenage son alone with a mentally ill mother he is not prepared to care for? All because the dad couldn’t deal with the mom’s mental illness? What the fuck is a 16/17-year-old supposed to do? Not to get too personal again, but I have been a caretaker to a mentally ill parent (and one who had some drastic issues but whose sense of reality mostly wasn’t impaired like with Isak’s mother) and I could not imagine doing it without the help of my other parent. It’s just outrageously selfish to bail like that.

Isak not being able to remember whether Eskild tried to pick him up is … alarming. And sad. And it’s very good that Eskild found him when he was that out of it instead of someone else with less noble intentions.

Looking at Even’s POV, I doubt he thinks there’s anything going on between Isak and Eskild but Isak living on his own with another gay man, a non-relative, is a bag of unanswered questions, such as - is Isak out to anyone? Where’s Isak’s family? Was he kicked out for being gay? Like this is his way of prodding out some sensitive information. Later when he asks how Isak’s parents will react if they start dating, you can imagine this information is on his mind.

Again, Even’s eyes never leave Isak’s face during this conversation, and he keeps rubbing his thumb along Isak’s shoulder. And he doesn’t ask too many questions, he just lets Isak talk. Isak opens up more than we’ve seen him do in this season so far, but when stuff starts to get too heavy then he plays it off and Even allows it and doesn’t push.

As cute as it is, there’s something a little sad about Isak saying that Even can have his story and make a movie out of it? Like he’s clearly trying to play down how much it really affects him. Oh Even, just turn my sad family history into one of your tragic films, ha ha except not really.

“I am going to make a movie about you!” AHHHHHHHH. So glad we got our S4 YouTube masterpiece because when hearing this line mid-s3 I totally figured it would be foreshadowing and Even would like, confess some feelings to Isak via stop motion Barbie adventures. And I mean, the rest of S3 is so amazing that I didn’t miss not getting any Ken doll smooching, but I’m glad Julie came through with the promised cinematic ode to Isak Valtersen.

When Even’s phone starts ringing they both keep joking and laughing until they can no longer ignore it. Another intrusion to the bubble.

Even stroking back Isak’s hair and pressing his face to Isak’s forehead - some A+ intimacy.

I have to single out their acting again. Henrik is fantastic with all the touches and affection he’s giving, and Tarjei does such a lovely job with the slight shyness and sweetness from Isak. Like this is all new to Isak! It’s a ton of romantic attention and affection from a boy! You can see his curiosity and exploration. Then when they have to deal with the reality of what’s waiting for them outside the bubble, Even is so blatantly unhappy and Isak is just deflating in his subdued way. The actors manage these emotions so well.

Man, you can see how quietly happy Isak gets when Even asks to stay in there with him forever. He’s almost glowing. And it makes sense that this, specifically, is what Even asks him, because that’s what they want at the moment - not just to be together, but to stay inside the bubble away from all outside complications.

This final kiss as we close out the clip is just. The sweetest thing ever. With Isak lifting up his head to ask for it and Even kissing Isak’s forehead and cheek and their hands on the other’s face and neck. Imagine Isak’s growing confidence in asking for the kiss and Even’s generosity in giving Isak more than what he asks.

I don’t necessarily put a timeline as to when these two definitely fell in love (as opposed to liking each other/having a crush/whatever), or realized that they were in love, but tbh this feels like when it might have been it for Even. The act of breaking up with Sonja and asking Isak to be his boyfriend had to be huge for Even, in light of everything he had been through, and realizing he was in love with Isak here was big enough to take a chance, end his stifling but stable relationship, and pursue something new and unknown.

You know when you listen to a song you enjoy so much that you start to hear it and you don’t really love it anymore, it’s more like the memory of loving it? Or a book you read so many times that it’s more that you remember the emotions it used to provoke in you, rather than feeling them in the moment? Sometimes I fear that season three of Skam will get worn out for me like that. After all, I’ve seen it who knows how many times by now, and the show ended more than a year ago - eventually watching it will just be about the memories of how it felt to watch the first time, and not feeling scenes in themselves, right?

Watching this scene again still feels like the first time.

Clip 2 - Morning after

There has been discussion over whether Isak and Even went further than makeouts during their cozy weekend and I’m 95% in the camp that they did not. I mean, by all means, headcanon otherwise, but I don’t think sex happened at this point for the following reasons:

Narratively it would have been a huge deal, both in the progress of their relationship and of Isak’s personal development, and I tend to think Julie would have shown it or hinted at it more strongly if anything sexual had happened. It seems too important not to make more obvious. If you think about it, the parallel universe conversation could have happened while they were in a state of undress (or something to indicate that they’d gone further than makeouts) but instead she had them talk while in oversized hoodies and sweats. So I think she wanted the main takeaway from this snuggly Saturday to be them talking about their lives and personal philosophies.

Like I said, it would have been a big deal for Isak, going from his first kiss with a boy to being sexual with a boy within a day or so, and since Isak is still dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia, I’d say he wouldn’t progress that fast? It’s true that he seems willing to jump into things with Even pretty quickly, but it also makes more sense to me as a step after he’d come out to his friends and gained a little more self-acceptance. “They’re teenagers and therefore driven by hormones” isn’t convincing enough of a reason enough for me to think they went that far. I mean, Noora and William are also shown waking up in bed in their underwear in the next clip after their first kiss, and it’s immediately established that they have not yet had sex. (Which is why I don’t think Isak waking up in his boxers is proof, either.)

Just personal preference but Even is already cheating on Sonja by making out and snuggling with Isak. I’d rather he didn’t do anything blatantly sexual with him on top of that.

The only thing that gives me some doubt is the crumpled tissue on Isak’s nightstand, because we all know Skam loves to be cheeky about Isak’s toilet paper, lmao.

We’ve seen Isak struggle with insomnia but here he appears to have slept pretty well, and we get the first hint that Even also has trouble sleeping. “I don’t sleep cuz sleep is the cousin to death” is waaaaay more loaded as a lyric than it might seem at first. It’s also quite ominous as we kept getting casual mentions of death around Even. Feels like the Grim Reaper is always trailing him.

Even frequently calling Isak hot/attractive, as he does on his sketch, is so good for Isak to hear. Isak has trouble vocalizing his attraction to men (well I GUESS that guy on Grindr is handsome, Eskild) but for Even, talking about his attraction to Isak is as normal as breathing. Even just does not give a fuck, in a lot of ways, about some of the hangups that Isak currently struggles with - talking about men being attractive, dealing with generalizations, liking “gay”/stereotypically un-masculine things. And that’s really good for Isak to be around, because he thinks the world of Even, and if Even can be like that or say this or do that, then maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world for Isak to admit he finds boys attractive. Even normalizes some of this behavior for him.

Also, it’s just so nice for Isak’s first real love (a boy!!!) to make him feel adored and shower him with compliments. Sincere ones, at that! Even isn’t faking any of this as some people predicted; he’s completely smitten with Isak.

I find it so endearing that cartoon Isak wears a snapback underwater.

I forgot, who did the drawings for Even? Some random on the production team? Julie? Imagine keeping that as a souvenir from the set.

Even has already internalized what Isak said about parallel universes. This one is just a silly joke comic, but later these sketches are going to be something like a coping mechanism for him.

Lmao, Eskild and Noora. Noora is randomly cleaning walls as a way to either alleviate William-related stress, satiate Isak-related curiosity, or both. Both? Both. Julie had to delete a William-related line in the script because it didn’t fit in right here, but by the Looks she gives Isak once Eskild steps in, she wants all the gossip.

You know, not that I condone turning Isak’s sexuality into a fun speculative game, but I so wonder how the girl squad side of Nissen was reacting to the developing Evak relationship from the outside? You know Noora was probably giving Eva updates on everything, Vilde was clueless for a while, Sana was just complaining about Isak forgetting his biology notes, and Chris was like, “Damn, the spirits weren’t smoking crack after all.”

Don’t you wish you could’ve seen the Even-Eskild interaction in the bathroom that morning? Especially when Eskild encounters a random dude in the flat wearing the Jesus shirt. Was Even still wearing the shirt when he left, or did he return Isak’s clothes and go home in his Halloween costume?

Eskild is just. The best. He knows that Isak is most likely gay, and he wants Isak to open up to him, and he’s probably like “it’s finally happening!!!” once he spies Even in the bathroom. But he’s trying to be “casual” and positive about it. Oh, that Even guy was super cool! It’s cool that you had a cool guy over, Isak, we’re all cool with it.

Alas, Isak was Not in the mood to talk about this. As soon as he steps out of his bubble, he gets confronted with questions about Even and has to retreat. But the bubble just isn’t the same alone.

Clip 3 - Isak on the outskirts of the boy squad

Poor Isak just wants to find out what’s going on with Even, to the point of waiting outside his classroom. But he has no idea that what Even’s going through is way more serious than he could have realized.

Isak doesn’t waste a single second in bailing from Emma, lmao.

This scene with the boys is so well done. The tension is evident. Tarjei’s acting is terrific. He rolls up to the boys ready to be bro Isak, friend Isak, and you can see him present a better mood (or faking a better mood) only for the shock to sink in when he realizes he fucked up by forgetting Magnus’ birthday.

When Isak strolls up to the boys, none of them pause to acknowledge his presence, they don’t even know he arrives until Isak starts apologizing. That’s how out of the loop he is.

To be fair, as much as I understand why Isak would lose track of anything except lying in Even’s arms - with someone looking at you and cuddling you like that, who wouldn’t - but he did blow off his friend’s birthday after talking about it with his friends and discussing tentative plans, and ignored their texts to alert him. That’s the problem with the bubble: you’re cut off from the outside world, both bad and good. Isak needs to learn how to bring his two worlds together and not aggressively shut them off from each other.

Not to mention that this is the third week in a row where Isak has lied or canceled plans, after the Emma pre-drink he randomly canceled and the kosegruppa pre-drink he didn’t tell the boys about. Isak’s lie about his family party is just half-hearted. Jonas and Mahdi see right through it and aren’t falling for this BS. Even Jonas, the best friend ever, is getting done with Isak’s shit.

Lol forever at Julie’s script being like “Isak gives (Magnus) a hug or high-five or whatever, how the fuck am I supposed to know what 17 year old boys do.” It’s hilarious but also indicates that she probably asked Tarjei and David what gesture would fit in the context of this scene for their characters, and they went with the hug. Awwww.

The other boys do some good acting in this scene, too. David does a nice job of being a little friendlier than the other two, but in a muted way. Magnus is the most cheerful and good-natured of the boys, the one who doesn’t really get upset, and so he doesn’t shut out Isak to the degree that Jonas and Mahdi do (they both seem mega-annoyed with him) but I think Magnus was actually hurt by Isak forgetting his birthday? I mean, I doubt he went home and cried in his pillow. But it would sting that Isak just completely bailed with no warning, no text message that he wasn’t going to make it. He just totally forgot.

Isak tries to work his way back into the circle, being enthusiastic, wanting to know what happened, but he’s so blatantly on the outside. The other boys don’t even try to tell the story to him (and Jonas is the one who says this so you know it’s got an extra sting). You can see Isak visibly dim when he realizes he can’t just jump back into the squad - again, great acting from Tarjei.

Also, once the boys have made it clear that Isak can’t hop into their conversation like everything’s normal, we don’t get any more closeup shots of their faces. It’s all on Isak’s reaction. When the boys keep talking among each other, it’s like something happening at the edge of the frame, they move in and out of it, but we’re not able to engage with it fully … we the viewers don’t feel like we’re part of the discussion, either. We’re there with Isak.

So this story the boys tell, about the girl with the facial hair, was not in the script and must have been improvised by the actors or prompted by Julie later. However, it’s an example of how S3 was firing on all cylinders. The boys could have been talking about anything. They could be telling some wacky story about Magnus, a can of beer, and a saxophone. Any anecdote that’s complicated and something Isak can’t be part of, anything where you just had to be there to understand. But it’s not just any story. The incident they’re talking about involves a girl with a facial hair and Magnus almost kissing her. And how this was gross, you don’t want to kiss someone like your father. And what did Isak do on Saturday, instead of going to Magnus’ birthday party? He was kissing a boy. And lol, Even isn’t the most hirsute dude out there, but you have to imagine he has some stubble. But in any case, the message of what they’re saying is clear: kissing people with stubble is gross. Something I doubt a gay guy would think. These are straight dudes who don’t want to kiss girls who remind them of boys. Meanwhile Isak has been kissing an actual boy and found it to be pretty damn amazing, way more satisfying to him than kissing a girl. It’s just another way he’s locked out of the group - not only was he not there for this particular incident, he can’t even relate to the feelings behind the story at all. Julie and the cast are basically multi-tasking here by adding an extra layer of isolation that’s thematically relevant to Isak’s internal struggles. A ton of S3 is layered like this, which is part of why it’s lingered with its fans. And why I wanted to write tl;dr meta about it, lol.

#skam reactions #skam season 3 #skam #isak valtersen #evak

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cosmic-poetics-livity · 6 years ago

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PSYCHOLOGY TODAY

10 Tips for Reducing Anger

A cheat sheet to the cutting edge in anger-management

Posted Jan 15, 2015

LESS

Source: wikimedia commons

The following is a partial distillation of ideas my colleague and I have more fully exposed in The Anger Fallacy. They're in no special order, except perhaps in as much as the first should probably come first. Some, admittedly, only touched on here, may require some unpacking (in particular 6, 7 and 8); but for those of you who cannot access the book, I'm happy to answer questions and to respond to comments!

1. Understand that anger is a problem

If you’re not convinced of this, then anger management tips will go right over your head, like sex tips aimed at Tibetan monks. How is anger a problem, you ask? Surely it’s healthy, and useful to some degree...?

Anger is unhelpful in a number of ways, but there are a lot of commonly used arguments that I won’t bother with: ‘Chronic anger will give you a heart attack.’ Yeah, OK, whatever. So will smoking, and stress, but it’s years down the track. ‘Anger’s not nice; people don’t like it’. 'Um... that's the whole point', you might respond! You may not want to be a 'nice' person; and you definitely don’t want people to like it. ‘Anger doesn’t feel good, it makes you unhappy’—sure, but presumably you already know how it feels, and it hasn’t stopped you yet. No. Anger is a problem first and foremost because it is an ineffective way of operating in the (social) world, can occasionaly backfire, and ultimately ruins relationships. At its core, anger is an evolved intimidation strategy. The most publicised instances of anger occur in war zones, in traffic, and in hotel lobbies. But surveys tell us that approximately 80% of day-to-day anger actually occurs with family and loved ones whom you care about (by definition). These aren’t necessarily people you wish to bully and intimidate. Actually, anger is much less effective in getting people around you to behave ‘correctly’ than, say, heart-to-hearts, cajoling, incentives, or calmly stated assertiveness. And even when anger does have the odd pay-off—your husband remembers to lift the toilet seat or your housemate turns the music down—it comes at the cost of warmth and intimacy, and tends to come back to bite you (in the form of defensiveness or escalation mostly). Just about every bit of research out there suggests that having warm (non-angry) relationships is the key to human happinessand emotional wellbeing. So this is no small cost.

2. Monitor your anger

I strongly recommend keeping an anger log over at least two or three weeks. You may be surprised at what it reveals. As well as raising insight, it can help you to take a detached ‘observer stance’ with regard to your anger. Monitor any and every episode of anger, from fleeting moments of frustration or impatience, to extreme rage. For each one, note down the facts of what went down (neighbour’s dog still barking despite our asking them to deal with it); the intensity of your anger 0-10, where 0 = no anger, and 10 = maximum rage; any thoughts or images you were aware of during the scene (wringing the dog’s neck, keying the neighbour’s car, memories of the conversation you’d had with him the week before, etc.); any other feelings you may have experienced in the scene (e.g. anxiety, dread); and what you actually did (ranted to wife). This habit of systematically describing your angry outbursts is often all someone needs in order to gain a little perspective. Give it a whirl.

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3. Feel the anger and DON’T do it anyway

Anger interferes with problem-solving and good judgment, and makes you rash and rigid in your thinking. This is why even the most articulate person you know can be reduced to repetitious expletives when enraged. Ambrose Bierce, the American satirist, wisely remarked, “speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” While fear drives us to flee, anger drives us to aggress and confront. Anger motivates revengeand retaliation. Unfortunately, the best revenge is not, as a rule, to live well. Anger is a poor guide to happiness. Hence my counterintuitive advice to ‘Feel the anger and not do it anyway’—the flipside to the pop-psychology slogan. I would recommend you: go to bed angry (despite your grandmother’s advice); sit on the angry email for a day or two before sending it; walk away from a fight where possible; and seek advice from a (non-angry) third party before taking any hostile action. If you still wish to carry out these actions when you’re calmer, then go ahead. They may coincide with self-interest. But, chances are you won’t want to. In the heat of anger you’re likely to make decisions you’ll regret.

4. Watch yourself angry: the Federer cure

The angry are often proud of their anger. Even if they leave a scene having achieved nothing (such as giving the finger to a car that pulls in front of them), they often experience a warm inner glow of self-satisfaction as a result of their actions. They appear to believe they’ve just accomplished something tough, powerful and righteous. This is not, of course, how they are perceived by their victims, spouses,

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The man in the mirror

Source: Pixabay/ CC0 Public Domainor onlookers… And more interestingly, it’s not necessarily what they themselves might think if they could watch themselves from the outside while not angry. It's worth seeing or hearing yourself genuinely angry at least once in your life. If it’s difficult to catch yourself in a spontaneous fit of rage, it’s worth replaying an angry scene in front of the mirror. According to tennis great Roger Federer, who was a racket-smashing brat in his junior years, it was watching himself throwing tantrums on TV that put him off it for life.

5. Look after yourself

All other things being equal, the state you’re in as you enter an anger-provoking scene will influence the severity of an anger episode. If you are stressed, tired, sick, hungover, agitated, or in any kind of emotionally compromised state when you encounter an annoyance or provocation, then your response will be magnified well out of proportion. So it's worth being on the lookout for such factors. I’ll unpack a few of the most common culprits:

Alcohol abuse is the most common co-morbid condition of patients presenting with anger problems. The recent king-hit murders attest to how vicious a combination alcohol and aggression can be.

Fatigue and stress would have to come next: 96% of Aussies wake up tired, according to a recent sleep survey conducted in my hometown. Fatigue shortens the fuse. Get some rest!

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Other known anger exacerbators include unmet needs or drives (hunger, thirst, lust, etc.); sickness; pain; and, no surprises here, PMS.

Reducing background variables is a good, easy start in the fight against anger. Get some sleep; take some time off; streamline your week; delegate; relax; improve your diet and so on. In short, look after yourself. When these things are unavoidable, then I believe awareness that you’re in a compromised state can be half the battle. Being stressed and tired might make you more irritable when the kids are fighting in the back seat; but insight that your state is a factor might help you realize they’re not entirely to blame. It might also be a reason to put off that phone call to your father until after you’ve had a nap and some alone time…

6. Understand the ultimate source of your anger: SHOULDING

Most people believe that it’s other people’s behaviour that makes them angry. Your son is texting at the dinner table; that just is irritating; and anger ensues. End of story. The problem with this oversimplified model is that it doesn’t explain why the other people at the dinner table aren’t irritated by your son’s behaviour (your son first and foremost of course). It doesn��t explain why something can annoy you one day, and not another. I can remember in my twenties being genuinely irritated by people who used the word ‘disinterested’ when they meant ‘uninterested’; I now think this is a ridiculous and snobbish reaction. There’s no single event that reliably angers everyone all the time. And there’s no single event that never angers anyone any of the time. Insisting on paying the bill might insult a date; but letting them pay might be an even graver offence. Then again, depending on the person, they could just be chilled either way. A cartoon depicting the prophet Muhammad may infuriate some individuals, and amuse others, depending on their position on the matter. I was sharply upbraided by an old man the other day for eating a mandarin near him on the bus. I remember thinking, ‘now there’s a first’. But it shouldn’t have surprised me. You don’t get angry because of external events alone, but because of how you appraise those events. Anger always involves framing behaviour as ‘wrong’—not-as-it-should-be. The man on the bus thought my eating a mandarin was inappropriate—disrespectful perhaps; of course most wouldn’t have this appraisal, but he did. If your son’s phone use at the table annoys you, it’s because you hold that family members ‘should’ engage socially at the dinner table. Your spouse mightn’t necessarily have that expectation, and nor might the boy’s siblings, quietly watching TV out of the corner of their eye. Anger is shoulding.

Positively fuming with righteous indignation

Source: wikimedia commons

7. Become less judgmental

If anger is driven by internal rules of how others ought to behave, this makes it a very ‘self-righteous’ emotion. But if you can see some of your rules for what they are —‘just the way I was brought up’ or ‘my way of doing things’—then it will naturally seem silly to judge others for not following them. It helps to remind yourself of the many different ways in which humans around the world operate. In many parts of Asia, it is considered rude to enter a restaurant with your shoes on; in most Western restaurants it is considered rude to take them off. Who’s right and who’s wrong here? We’d say there’s no answer to this question: they’re just two different sets of rules. You may believe it is wrong to smoke marijuana; many Jamaicans would disagree. You may object to homosexuality or women in politics or lovers kissing on public benches. There’ll almost always be someone who agrees with you, and others who staunchly oppose you. That’s because these things are matters of opinion, not fact. Must people work hard and strive to reach their fullest potential, or is a breezier, more spiritual life acceptable too? You probably have opinions on these things, which is fine. But if you walk around convinced your opinions on how people must behave are right and universal, you’ll live a restricted life, as well as an angry one.

8. Think like a scientist, not a lawyer

The angry speak a lot about the bad ‘choices’ people make, and what people ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t have’ done. Logically speaking, if you believe someone should have acted differently, you must believe they could have acted differently at the moment of performing the (mis)deed. But being the person they were and seeing things as they did, there’s only one thing they ever could or would have done. To do something else they would have had to have a different brain and held different beliefs. If you can get your head around this, and make a habit of explaining people’s behaviour rather than simply condemning it, then you will be a good deal wiser, as well as calmer. We strongly suggest replacing ideas of ‘responsibility’ and ‘blame’ with those of causes and solutions. This is essentially what scientists do—they try to work out the causes behind events. You may shake your head rather unsympathetically at your uncle’s gambling problem. But a scientist asks, ‘What causes this person to gamble?’ The answer to this question will be complex, and will potentially involve factors from his personality, beliefs, knowledge base, mood states, physiology, as well as from his upbringing, environment and culture. This is very different, mind you, from saying it’s right or good to gamble, or from resigning yourself to someone’s behaviour. Taking a scientific explaining approach rather than a moralistic blaming one makes people’s behaviour more understandable and as a consequence easier to influence. And of course once you understand the causes of a behaviour, there’s nothing left to get angry about. You see its inevitability. And all that remains is a problem to solve.

9. Empathise

Empathy overlaps somewhat with ‘thinking scientifically’, except that it’s more intuitive. Empathising means living in the skin of someone else. It is an antidote to anger, because it’s hard to condemn someone if you really understand where they’re coming from.

Anger almost always involves an inability to get the person you’re angry at. It stems from a failure to understand them. This is why so much anger is expressed verbally in statements of apparent astonishment or perplexity:

Why the hell would you do something like that?

What’s gotten into you?

How could you ... ?

I can’t believe this!

What was she thinking?

These, incidentally, are actually very good questions to ask yourself in earnest when you're angry, but people only ever intend them rhetorically (and pejoratively). Often, interestingly, the people we profess to find the most perplexing are those closest to us, whom we'd be best placed to empathise with. A couple I saw recently was fighting over domestic chores. As it turned out, the husband liked things to be clean and hygienic, but was relatively oblivious to tidiness; the wife needed things to look neat and orderly, but didn’t worry that much about dust or germs. Each thought that their own standpoint was sensible, and that the other person’s was entirely neurotic. The truth is: neither of these viewpoints is silly or hard to relate to. They simply reflect different concerns or priorities. Most of the time it’s not so much that individuals can’t relate to one another, it’s that they just don’t: they’re blinkered by their own point of view and place more importance on making their own points than on understanding others'.

Some of you may have seen the televised argument between Ben Affleck and Sam Harris on the heated topic of the dangers of Islam. Affleck blatently misconstrues his opponent's point of view. Harris attempts to explain himself, but Affleck feels he's heard enough. He's too angry to listen. Interestingly, Harris, in a blog after the event, rather than retaliate, writes that he gets where Affleck was coming from: "If I were seated across the table from someone I “knew” to be a racist and a warmonger, how would I behave?" This is another case where making the effort to understand the other person’s viewpoint can diffuse anger.

10. Get your facts straight

Angry people often display a bias toward interpreting others’ behaviour as hostile, deliberate, or nasty, even when they lack the information to really be sure. They’re occasionally right, of course, but very frequently they’ve gotten something wrong, or taken it the wrong way. The simplest first step in reducing your anger is to take a moment and make sure you’ve got all your facts straight. Are you sure the acquaintance who passed you by really snubbed you and didn’t just not see you? Can you be certain that your wife’s forgetting to pick up the milk was really a personal sign of disrespect, and not just an oversight? Are you positive your neighbour is playing that music just to spite you? Is it really fair to say that so and so is always late, or that such and such never does anything nice for you? Are you sure you've understood your opponent's position? If you aren’t positive beyond a reasonable doubt, why not suspend your judgment, pending further evidence. Innocent until proven guilty. This little habit alone can save you a lot of unnecessary grief, or should I say grievance.

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