#this is literally just so I can clear my head ft fictional husband

[hyperfixatinglove]

Disclaimer: This is just reflection of my own feelings if I happen to be on the autism spectrum and have adhd

Summary: Ushio gives me the validation & comfort I need 

“Hey honeybear.”

“What’s up?”

Of course he’d know something would bother me even if I utterly refused or was incapable of speaking about it. I kept fiddling with the strand of my hair, became self-conscious of it and stopped. I stalled again by standing, looking everywhere expect at my husband, yet again. On the other hand, I wanted nothing more than to speak, but no words came out and I had no idea how to start.

He was patient, as always, and it made me teary-eyed. He never hurried me nor pushed me too much to speak. 

“I think I might.. fit, no, be on autism spectrum.” I mumbled quietly and looked at his eyes for just a moment. His eyes furrowed and I smiled, for it happened piecing things together in his mind. I watched as my words sank in his mind and the realization hit in, the happy surprise it caused on his features.

“That explains a lot.”

“I know right!?”

His acceptance, his so quick acceptance demolished the walls made by my own anxiety and desperate need for validation. My tendency to get excited for things I thought dear reared its head again as he scooted and I sat beside him, us facing each other.

“I know you can’t stand strong lights nor scents but is there something else?” He gently asked and grasped my hand in his with reassuring smile.

“Oh I have like 2 pages in my notebook just for things I think and feel that add up!” I exclaimed, my face erupting in big smile. I paused, but then decided to list some anyway, since he asked.

“Well, I need to be told cause I won’t get implied things. I fiddle with my hair all the damn time and talk to myself all the time, I have routines or rather rituals and get anxious when they’re disrupted, have wild imagination.. Just to pick some. For a record, I think I’m low support.”

“Oh and I obsess over my hobbies. I thought everyone did! And I have one-track mind! Multitasking? Nope, not here not in this brain.” I listed and giggled. My laughter slowly died, leaving the genuine smile I had with dimples. I waited for him to say something but all he did was to give my hand a squeeze.

“And of course I’m going to talk to my psychologist - I can’t wait for that I’m so anxious I can barely fall asleep at night - but it feels right! I could finally have a label for my feelings and get validation of not being dumb, not being lazy AND not being stupid or horrible human being because I forget like 98% of the shit I need to remember!”

“Not to mention I could finally not feel like a fucking nuisance for rambling like this non-stop when I’m nervous or get a chance to talk about my interests! Imagine that!”

“Not to mention I have such extreme sensory issues I could finally get explanation for those too!”

“AND I learned there’s these things like stim and fiddle toys and I fell in love with tangles! They’re colorful and you twist them around!”

My husband watched with a loving smile as I kept talking and emoting with my free hand, while my other one rubbed his skin absently.

“My parents suggested I’d have ADHD too, since I forget so much and get distracted so often. I’m going to see doctor about that as well, but I’m excited and terrified my love!”

“You know I’ll be there with you?” He muttered with a grin, eyes half lid, like they were when he smiled like this, against the sunset outside pouring from the windows.

I squeed and practically launched myself into a hug. I could feel his laughter rumble in his chest as I slowly felt his big arms wrap around me and warmth to envelope my whole body. The combination and feeling of familiar, loving safety caused me sigh deeply.

“Better help you with those appointments. And research.”

“Oh I’m so going to rob you into my research hours darling!”