#this is kinda sad especially with how quick developers are to drop support for old macos versions

[fuzzyblizzardkitty]

I'm just realizing how late I am to the hackintosh party. with apple releasing more and more devices with its own silicon, the last update for Intel based macs might come out before they sort out Nvidia drivers...

[starryviolentine]

Brody’s Diary (Revised Edition): Chapter 5

Part one of the “Pre-Apocalypse Adventures” Series

Chapter 1 ( here ) Chapter 2 ( here ) Chapter 3 ( here ) Chapter 4 ( here )

If Dr. Larson had to describe Brody when she first came to Ericson’s, she would say that the child was, in the simplest terms, lost inside her own head. It wasn’t too long after Brody’s tenth birthday that she pulled up at the school’s iron gates in her family’s forest green SUV. All four of the young girl’s family members—six, if you count the family dogs—came along to drop her off. The doctor only spoke with Brody’s parents for a few minutes, but they seemed like good folks who truly cared about their daughter’s wellbeing.

Later that week, Dr. Larson received an envelope from the administrative building containing a copy of Brody’s school records, psychiatric evaluation results and other documents pertaining to her official diagnosis: generalized anxiety disorder. The hospital documents were all recent, all from within the past year, but her school file contained many, many incident reports dating as far back as when Brody was seven years old. Dr. Larson skimmed through the file, which told her that Brody had been pulled from her classroom several times over the years due to “fits of hysteria” that “disrupted the class” and “tantrums” that “disturbed the other children.”

Dr. Larson is no stranger to the unfortunate reality that children with undiagnosed mental disorders often struggle for years both at home and in mainstream school environments, and all because nobody is aware of the fact that they need special support. It’s common for them to be mislabeled as troublemakers or attention-seekers out of plain ignorance. Most of the time, all that these “troubled youth” really need is consistency and a structured routine. The Ericson Academy mission is to provide these students with an environment that supports them and their individual needs so that they can thrive.

Brody’s anxiety attacks were frequent and severe during her first few months at the boarding school. The child didn’t understand her anxiety, nor did she have any sort of defense against it, so it would easily take over her mind. Dr. Larson had to start from zero with Brody. The first few times Brody was brought to her office for an anxiety attack, the child was clearly frantic and scared. It was nearly impossible to calm her down. There were also a couple of instances when Brody got herself so worked up that she made herself physically sick. And this, according to her school records, was not a new occurrence.

It took time and effort, but Dr. Larson gave Brody the tools she needed to combat her anxiety. She taught her breathing techniques to use during anxiety attacks. She taught her the “reality check” technique so she can self-regulate whenever she feels one coming. Brody has proven to be a natural storyteller with a particularly descriptive vocabulary for someone her age, so Dr. Larson knew right away that the journaling technique would be perfect for her. Brody took to her diary like a duck to water, and during their sessions they would always take some time to discuss the things she wrote.

Dr. Larson helped Brody understand what having anxiety means, but, even more importantly, what it doesn’t mean. Just because she has an anxiety disorder doesn’t mean that she’s restricted in any way. With every therapy session, Dr. Larson makes sure that Brody knows that she can do everything that any other kid can do. That she can be a dancer, a writer or whatever she wants to be. That she has the strength inside her to control her anxiety. That anxiety doesn’t make her weak. That it’s her body and her mind and she has the reigns.  

Brody is a bright, friendly girl who has come such a long way in the two and a half years that Dr. Larson has worked with her. It’s been a joy watching her develop and grow, becoming more confident in herself and more in control of her anxiety. For several months now, Brody hasn’t had anything negative to report, and their sessions have consisted mostly of the girl’s stories about her extracurricular activities, what she’s learning in her classes, and the fun places her family takes her when they come to visit. However, the state Brody is in today is one that Dr. Larson hasn’t seen in quite a while. It’s more than a little concerning.

“Will you tell me what happened?”

There’s no response as Brody slips away momentarily. Her eyes glaze over and she’s tugging, scratching at the bracelet on her wrist. Her fingers curl around the beads and uncurl again. Dr. Larson can tell that she’s letting her mind wander again. She has to bring her back.  

“Brody.”

Snapping out of her trance, Brody pulls her hand away from her wrist and looks at her therapist apologetically. “Sorry.”

“What happened?” Dr. Larson asks again, trying to get her patient to focus.

“Well…” Brody doesn’t know where to start. “Yesterday, after lunch, I went back to my room to get my diary. You see, I usually keep it on my desk, so I thought that’s where I left it. I mean, I wrote in it a little that morning, and that’s where I remembered seeing it last. But then… it wasn’t there. I looked for it everywhere, but it wasn’t anywhere. So I wondered if maybe I accidentally dropped it somewhere, but I didn’t remember bringing it with me to class that day. And so then I thought… that maybe…” Brody’s voice gets quieter as she feels more and more ashamed, “maybe someone took it.”

The doctor has an idea of where this is going.

“I just… I completely forgot about our meeting in the morning!” Brody cries mournfully. “And Vi… I blamed her! I was just so… so mad… and worried… and I wasn’t, I wasn’t thinking! And I yelled at her in front of everybody!”

“Has Violet ever done anything that would make you think she took it?” Dr. Larson asks. The doctor has only met with Violet twice. Both sessions were mandatory visits, and both times she was unsuccessful at getting the reserved child to say a word. Violet’s unique circumstances required that she begin specialized therapy immediately upon enrollment to the academy, which meant that, rather than Dr. Larson, she had spent her first months at the school meeting with an expert in childhood trauma and grief counseling. Most of what Dr. Larson knows about Violet comes from Brody, who talks about her friend often.    

“No!” Brody loves Violet and her first instinct is to defend her. “I mean… yeah, I guess…”

“Could you tell me about that?”

“I guess she makes fun of me sometimes because I write in it so much,” Brody admits, going back to hugging her diary. “It makes me kinda sad, but I don’t think she’s trying to be mean.”

“And you’ve told her how that makes you feel?”

Brody shrugs. “Sort of, but I don’t think she was really listening.”

Dr. Larson hums. “I see. Can you think of any ways you could change that?”

“Maybe I could just ask her to listen,” says Brody, leaning her head back against the sofa while she thinks of possible solutions, “or I could tell her why my diary is so important to me.”

“I think those are both great ideas, Brody.”

Sitting quietly for a moment, Brody thinks about how she exploded at Violet yesterday. It wouldn’t surprise her if Violet didn’t want to be her friend anymore, especially after she told her that she never wanted to talk to her again. “What if it doesn’t work?”

“Violet’s your friend, isn’t she?”

“She’s my best friend.”  

“In that case, you've got nothing to worry about,” reassures Dr. Larson. “It seems like there are some things that need to be cleared up between you two. You thought Violet stole your diary because she’s made you upset about it before, correct?”

Brody nods guiltily, a lump forming in her throat.

“So you blamed her, but it turns out that she didn’t take it. How do you think Violet felt when you yelled at her?”

The girl stares at her knees. “I probably hurt her feelings... and embarrassed her in front of the entire lounge.”

“What do you think you should do?”

“Apologize,” Brody answers, sitting up straighter. “I have to tell her I’m sorry.”

Dr. Larson smiles. “You’ve got a good heart, Brody. Next time you feel angry at somebody, why don’t you try using your breathing tricks? Remember, we breathe and—”

“We take control of our thoughts,” Brody finishes.

“You should be proud of yourself,” Dr. Larson tells her, “but you should also be proud of the things that make you happy. Make sure Violet understands what your diary means to you.”

Brody nods, but she doesn’t look any less troubled. “I hope she’s not mad at me.”

Just then, the bell chimes and Brody’s eyes dart to the clock on the wall. First period is over, so she only has ten minutes starting now to find Violet, talk to her, and still make it to her next class without being late. She has history next, which means… Brody closes her eyes and pictures her friend’s class schedule that she’s long since memorized. Science. Violet should have science next.

“I should go,” says Brody, scooting off the sofa. She moves quickly, knowing that she doesn’t have much time if she wants to do this now. “I need to find Vi.”

Dr. Larson stands as well so she can see Brody off. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah!” Hand on the doorknob, Brody realizes she almost forgot something else. She hurries back and gives the woman a quick but warm hug. “Thanks, Dr. Larson.”

“Good luck with Violet. Tell her hello for me.”

Brody smiles for the first time that day and waves goodbye. “I will!”

The twelve-year-old has butterflies in her stomach as she walks briskly—running is against the rules—down the hallways in the direction of the science lab. The only thing on her mind is her need to make things right with Violet as soon as possible.