#this is just sort of a vague observation but it was making me sad to think about so I felt it was worth posting | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

spammreviews · 1 year ago

Text

ASOIAF CHAPTER RANKING

Before I finish talking about this series, I would like to go through every book and rank every chapter best to worst. It's not worst to best because I wrote it as best to worst in the document, and it would take a while to change. I'm also not doing the first book, as It's pretty consistent.

A Clash of Kings Chapter Ranking:

Cat VII-

I would say that the beginning of Catelyn VII is one of the most emotionally devastating parts of Song, as this is the chapter where Catelyn has learned about the fake deaths of Bran and Rickon. It’s not difficult to make a woman mourning the loss of her two sons sad, but George rubs salt in every wound.

Cat’s grief over her children connects to her grief over Ned and her father, it connects to the way she had all of these responsibilities as a child, and it connects to how she was ignoring her own mental health to protect her children.

All of the Catelyn chapters before this observed and investigated these ideas, basically secretly building up to this barrage of brutality. Without Catelyn’s angst about how she’s far from her children, and her angst about how she had always needed to be strong, and her relationship with religion, this chapter would not hit as hard as it does.

And man, does it hit hard.

Cat’s entire life is falling apart in front of her eyes, she’s basically in the worst possible scenario, and there’s no one she can talk to. She is completely and utterly alone. Everyone else (except for Brienne) is having a good time at the party, and being miserable when everyone else is happy is the worst possible feeling.

Throughout these two books, almost all of Cat’s actions were done because of her children, and now look at what has happened. To her, all of her actions were useless. She’s failed.

Also, seeing Bran and Rickon again has been this sort of light at the end of the tunnel for Catelyn. The fact that she will one day be reunited with her children is what Catelyn has been using to motivate herself.

Catelyn has tied being a mother to her identity, she has turned it into her reason to get up in the morning. Now, that’s gone away.

After our tour through the deepest depths of misery, Cat interviews Jaime. That scene is great because Jaime is such a smug bastard in this scene, and Cat is having none of his shit. We see two opposite people with not a lot left to lose just going at each other.

You know, it’s been noted that George is fond of the song “Me And Bobby Mcgee”, and that song is famous for the line “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”

In this chapter, Cat thinks that she might kill Jaime because she has nothing left to lose, which is not true. She still has Hoster, Rob, Edmure, herself, and the vague hope that Sansa and Arya may be alive.

Cat’s realization at the end of this book is the same as Bran’s, with both realizing they still have a lot left to lose and a lot left to gain.

During the Red Wedding, Cat loses Rob. She’s already lost Hoster, she no longer cares whether she lives or dies, it’s starting to seem that Arya is dead, Sansa’s married to a short guy, and Edmure might as well be dead for all she knows. So, she does kill a hostage.

Then there is Lady Stoneheart, who truly has nothing left to lose, leading to her actions with Brienne.

Cat’s a big fan of taking people hostage, isn’t she?

Let’s return to that quote “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”

You can apply this to people, saying that if you don’t need to worry about losing people, then you’re free.

Arya seems to believe this. She cuts herself off from others rather than face the fear of losing them.

Becoming a faceless man involves “freeing” oneself of everything you have to lose, including people you love.

You can also take “freedom” to mean “the freedom to be an asshole”. When we see Tyrion in ADWD, he has nothing left to lose, leading to him being an asshole.

Also, having something left to lose is having something left to live for. Cat has been told that the meaning of her existence is to take care of others, specifically her children and her husband. Not only has she failed, one can say that this is all her fault. She told Ned to go to King’s Landing and she arrested Tyrion.

In her eyes, Cat has betrayed the entire meaning of her existence, and that’s really horrible to think about.

It’s also kind of relatable. Making things kind of personal, I take being a successful writer very seriously. In some way, I’ve made that the point of my life. So, when I don’t succeed, I can take it very hard, like the aspirations I’ve based my life around are ruined.

Obviously, the comparison here is shaky, as not getting into a writer magazine is nowhere near as comparable as losing two of your children, and I have been given the tools to know that life is more than success. However, the point I’m making here is that many of us have been in similar situations to Cat, even if they weren’t as awful.

Bran III-

I talked about this in the character ranking, as it has Bran being really sad at the harvest feast, and being sad at a party is a mood. Jojen and Meera also show up.

There is a huge sense of self consciousness throughout this chapter. Whenever anyone talks to Bran, he wonders what they think about him being disabled and how he has this responsibility to talk to them. Bran is very clearly out of his element in this chapter, as he’s a pretty shy kid who likes to be by himself, and now he’s in a situation where he has to talk to two hundred people.

However, Bran does kind of rise to the challenge, as there is one great moment where Bran sends different food to different people, precisely calculating what dish to give to each person.

Other great moments are the ones where the feast is described, as we get this cavalcade of characters doing different activities which very clearly show their personalities. The Umbers are playing a drinking game, Osha is beating someone up for groping her, and Lady Hornwood is being sad.

The atmosphere could not be more rich. What’s great is that this also ties into how Bran is feeling, as all of this partying and noise is way too much for him, and he just wants to go and play by himself. If you were ever some flavor of neurodivergent as a child, then you can probably relate to that.

I also like the moment where Bran realizes that a lot of people at the feast will be dead soon because of the war. He wants to cry about that, but he has to stop himself because “He’s the Prince of Winterfell”. That’s basically just Bran’s entire character summarized: he wants to be a kid, but he can’t. It’s a sad moment, as Bran can’t talk about this to anyone. He’s an 8 year old who is burdened with too much responsibility causing him to believe he has to be this stoic robot, despite the fact that he’s still mourning the death of his dad.

There are many moments in this series where characters force themselves not to feel emotions because they think they have to be strong. Catelyn does it alot.

After that moment, Jojen and Meera show up, and we get some more nice atmosphere and moments of angst.

When the feast is over, Bran goes to bed and has a wolf dream, but with special guest stars Jojen and Meera. It’s a pretty great button to the chapter, giving us confirmation that Bran isn’t just dreaming, and that Jojen and Meera have some mystical properties.

Cat II-

This is a very miserable chapter, and I love it.

It begins with Cat having a dream of happy memories now long gone, only to wake up to the cold reality. This series really likes characters who hate their job, and I find that very relatable.

We then get a brief flashback giving us more drama between Cat and Rob, with Rob convincing Cat to go on the mission to talk with Renly. Cat is definitely proud of the intelligent strategist Rob has become, but she’s also saddened by the fact that her little baby boy has grown up, as well as the fact that she is kind of being manipulated by her own son.

We also hear that Hoster is continuing to disappear, mistaking Cat for her mother. So, two men in Cat’s life are growing more distant from her. Fun.

After this, we get the meat of the chapter when Cat shows up at Renly’s camp, where a tourney is being held.

There’s some fantastic juxtaposition between the festivities of Renly’s camp, and the squalor of King’s Landing and the Riverlands. There’s also lots of fun pieces of worldbuilding with all the Reach houses we meet, and it’s so delightful how colorful and diverse this world is.

Anywhoo, Cat watches the tourney, and it is there where we meet Brienne! I talked about this in the character ranking, as it’s a perfect introduction to her character.

There’s then the scene where Cat is introduced to Renly, and it’s delightful to read because Cat is so extraordinarily annoyed while Renly is so chill and jolly.

We then get a feast, and it is during that feast when we get this amazing Brienne quote,

“Winter will never come for the likes of us. Should we die in battle, they’ll surely sing of us, and it’s always summer in the songs. In the songs, all knights are gallant, all maids are beautiful, and the sun’s always shining.”

(Catelyn II, ACOK)

This comes after Cat discusses with Matthis Rowan how the “children of summer” are excited to grow up, but will soon find out how shitty adulthood is, just as many of the characters in this series have, and as Cat did.

Bran realizes what Cat already knows when he’s the harvest feast at Winterfell. Despite being a child, winter already fell for him when he fell.

The idea that Brienne and Renly’s generation and Bran and Arya’s generation are going through what Cat’s generation did is something that is so incredibly relevant to our modern reality.

Cat says the “children of summer” will learn that war is not a game and that they are mortal, something that Theon learns in this very book, as does Renly.

Overall, this chapter is overflowing with phenomenal moments.

Theon VI-

This is Theon’s chapter, and wooh! Wowee!

First, we have the scene where Theon gives a speech to his men, urging them to join him in this valiant yet suicidal fight. This is a very classic scene, where the heroic commander tells everyone they can either run away or fight. There’s a famous story about the battle of the Alamo where everyone chooses to fight.

However, while Theon does get some men on his side, not everyone joins, so that’s another blow to his ego.

Then, there’s Theon’s parlay with Roderick. It’s impossible not to feel bad for Roderick, who is currently in the midst of losing everything and everyone he has ever cared about. Theon putting Roderick’s daughter on the wall with a noose around her neck is a shocking moment. Theon then says his “I felt that noose for ten years” line. You could say that shows how a tiny bit of Theon’s actions are born out of a desire for the world to feel the same pain he did. I’d say that it’s more so about how Theon thinks that because he suffered, why should others be happy? It also shows that Theon being an outcast at Winterfell is a lot of what caused this, with him feeling the need to prove himself to himself.

Then, Ramsay shows up, revealing his true identity and punches Theon into A Dance With Dragons. It’s a pretty “oh shit” moment, because how can it not be? When I first read this book, I was pretty surprised by the twist, and even on a reread, it’s still satisfying in a rather cruel way.

Dany IV-

This is the house of the undying chapter, and it’s basically one big acid trip, complete with some fantastic imagery.

Davos III-

This is Davos’ last chapter. Yep, Davos only has three chapters.

Anywhoo, this chapter is amazing because it has a lot of descriptions of Wildfire and jesus fucking christ these descriptions all belong in a museum.

“Swordfish and the hulk were gone, blackened bodies were floating downstream beside him, and choking men clinging to bits of smoking wood. Fifty feet high, a swirling demon of green flame danced upon the river. It had a dozen hands, in each a whip, and whatever they touched burst into fire…Lord Velaryon's shining Pride of Driftmark was trying to turn, but the demon ran a lazy green finger across her silvery oars and they flared up like so many tapers. For an instant she seemed to be stroking the river with two banks of long bright torches.”

(Davos III, ACOK)

Wildfire is this massive eldritch…thing, something which we don’t really understand. This book definitely has a bit of magic being weaponized, doesn’t it? We see Melissadnre and her shadow baby, we have Jon’s warging allowing him to do some scouting, and we have the wildfire. Oh, also, dragons.

I like how magic is something incomprehensible and terrible, but it’s also just a tool. The comparisons to nuclear weapons write themselves.

It is because of these descriptions of Wild fire that this Davos chapter is above Tyrion’s and Sansa’s chapters. Also, Davos is right in the middle of the battle, and he is consistently right in the battle, so it works very well as a form of spectacle.

Tyrion XII, and XIV-

These chapters have Tyrion at the Battle of the Blackwater.

Battle scenes are always fun. George is good at writing them. Don’t make me say anything else.

Okay, Tyrion having to lead troops into the battle is fun, because it forces Tyrion into a situation he isn’t accustomed to, and so he has to adapt to it. It’s the reverse of what Jaime does in ASOS.

Sansa VI, Sansa VII-

These are the battle of blackwater chapters for Sansa.

It is nice that I don’t really want either side to win in the battle. If Stannis wins, Ilyn will kill Sansa, and Tyrion will probably die. But if Stannis loses, then Davos might die, and it means there’s another victory for the Lannisters.

Also, Sansa giving a speech to calm everyone in Sansa VII is a nice character moment, with Sansa finally having agency and using her skills for once.

Bran VII-

This is Bran’s last chapter in this book. It’s filled with a deep sense of grief, for all those who are dead, for Winterfell, and for childhood in general.

Luwin telling Bran to be strong like his father is such a great moment because it’s not really the advice Bran needs. He already knows he needs to be strong. If anything, Bran needs to learn that true strength means being open about your feelings, which is something his Dad never did.

However, I can totally see why Luwin would say that. He does genuinely care for Bran, which is why he devotes his final moments to trying to help him…and Rickon.

The final beat of this chapter is the perfect way to end this book. Bran sees Winterfell, sees that Winterfell is broken but not dead, and realizes that he is also broken but not dead- meaning that there is still hope for him, and that he should keep on going. Ending your dark fantasy book with an 8 year old realizing that you should never give up may seem silly, but it works perfectly, because that’s exactly the lesson Bran needs to learn.

At the beginning of this book, Bran doesn’t know what to do with his life. He doesn’t know what his skills are, and what makes him special and a worthy person. Now that Bran knows he has magical powers, he’s changed his mind. Of course, Bran will eventually have to learn that he has inherent self worth, and it doesn’t matter if he has magical powers or not, he deserves to live and to be happy. However, this is a step in the right direction. Bran has something to live for, and he is grateful to be alive.

The ending of this book is not a happy one, but it is a hopeful one.

Also, this chapter sees Osha mercy kill Luwin under a tree, just as The Hound mercy kills the random squire under the tree in ASOS. That could mean something.

Prologue-

I talked about this chapter in the book rankings.

Catelyn III-

This is the chapter where Stannis and Renly meet up and negotiate. Of course it’s phenomenal- it has the bit with the peach!

It’s also fun to see Cat, once again, try her best not to lose it as she’s in another extremely frustrating situation. Seeing Cat, Stannis, and Renly, these three extremely different personalities clash, is very exciting.

Arya VI-

This chapter has Arya being a captive of the Mountain’s men.

It’s a really morbid and gruesome chapter because the Mountain’s men are really fucked up, and are torrturing and killing a bunch of commonfolk with Arya.

Arya is a character who very strongly believes in right and wrong, and seeing these atrocities happen right next to her without being able to do anything about it sucks for her. It was a similar situation when Ned died.

Arya also prides herself on her strength, and so being helpless makes her think of herself as weak. In this chapter, Arya reacts in the way a normal 10 would to her environment, being afraid, and then feeling really bad for it.

This makes Arya similar to Bran in this book, with both of them forcing themselves to act like adults to deal with their stressful situation.

Jon III-

This is the chapter with the night’s watch at Craster’s Keep.

Despite how low I ranked Craster in my character ranking, he’s definitely memorable due to how macabre everything surrounding him is. Not only that, but we have the night’s watch tolerating this rapist baby-killer, and that looks really awful on their part. It’s almost like they are just as corrupt of an institution as all the others we see in this series

It’s clear that Jon is aware of this evil, but he is unable to do anything, which is why he doesn’t eat any of Craster’s food, meaning that guest right doesn’t apply to him. I love that moment because it’s such a pointless gesture on Jon’s part. He’s only doing it because his consciousness won’t stop screaming unless he does something.

This chapter is very important in showing Jon the complex morality of the Night’s Watch, which helps set him up for the next book, where he learns that the Wildlings are equally complex.

It’s also pretty much the first time Jon is in a morally dubious situation.

This chapter also has a great character moment for Sam, with him going against orders to try to help Gilly, someone he’s just met. Really, Sam is being much more heroic in this chapter. Sure, his actions don’t help anything, but it’s better than Jon’s boycotting. Also, Sam reaching out to Gilly here allowed her to trust him to take her and her baby in ASOS.

By the way, I feel like I should point out that I’m pretty sure the night’s watch could get on just fine without Craster. My evidence is that they did for thousands of years, even if they had more resources back then.

There’s definitely a lot to discuss about the ethics of what the Night’s Watch are doing, as well as the ethics of every Night’s Watchmen who does nothing, including Jon. That makes this chapter very interesting.

Jon VIII-

This is Jon’s last chapter, featuring Qhorin Halfhand’s sacrifice.

As I said in the character ranking, it’s really sucky that Jon has to do that.

Does the whole situation feel a tad bit contrived? Yeah. Qhorin’s actions don’t make any sense unless you accept that he is really dumb.

However, whatever. What’s important is Jon’s character, which is what makes this chapter interesting.

Jon has to kill Qhorin, and I think we can all agree that’s a pretty difficult decision. Qhorin’s line about bastards being treacherous must have really stung. This whole moment basically forces Jon to cosplay as the version of himself he’s afraid of becoming.

After all, Jon knows that everyone says bastards are jerks, so he’s spent his life trying to prove them wrong, all the while being secretly afraid that he’s a jerk.

I guess Jon is pretending to become the monster everyone thinks he is during that moment.

Theon IV-

This is the chapter where Theon finds Bran and Rickon missing.

There is a great atmosphere here, one of a cold night in a castle filled with despair and mystery. Both the night and the castle are filled, by the way.

Anywhoo, this whole chapter is just a summary of Theon’s character in this book. Something bad happens, and Theon wants to look strong, so he does something awful.

Theon V-

This is the chapter where Asha shows up at Winterfell and is like “Hey, Theon, have you lost your mind, because I don’t want to help you find it.”

I like that Theon was offered a way out of this situation, but he specifically refused because he had to look “manly” and “cool”.

This whole chapter has Theon running the Song gauntlet of character tropes. Theon,

Has a bad dream.

Blames someone else for what he’s doing.

Takes out his anger on others

Pretends to be strong.

Engages in an activity such as sex to make himself feel better.

This isn’t a complaint, George likes to write about this happening because he’s very good at writing these tropes, for example,

Theon’s bad dream has some intense and horrifying imagery.

It’s in character for Theon to be mad at Asha.

Theon taking his anger out on others is also in character.

Pretending to be strong is basically what Ironborn culture is based on.

The sex scene is horrific to read, even if it appears to be consensual, but that is exactly the point. It also shows how Theon sees sex as a way to feel good about himself by showing how cool and masculine he is, as well as a way to show his power over others. It’s similar with Tyrion, and also with Dany’s diddling of Irri and Jiqui. Sex is a lot like eating or drinking, it’s an activity which is pleasurable when properly enjoyed, but when it’s done merely to fill a void, it can become toxic and addictive.

This chapter really shows that Theon is the ultimate douche bag. He’s a sexist, murderous, asshole, fuckboy. However, we know why he’s all of those things, and behind each of those traits is a deep tragedy. That’s what makes him such a captivating character.

Tyrion V-

This chapter goes above the other Tyrion chapters because of the ending, where we get a conversation between Tyrion and Cersei about Myrcella being sent to Dourne.

Weirdly enough, Cersei is almost kind of sympathetic in this chapter, with her saying she was “shipped” to Robert Baratheon, which is true. To be honest, she might be in the right for once. Myrcella shouldn’t be “shipped off like a bag of oats” to Dourne to marry someone she hasn’t met. It is stupid of Tyrion to say that could be Myrcella’s purpose in life. However, Cersei still acts extremely immaturely, constantly trying to show her power. For instance,

She says, “Your tower? This is my son’s royal tower!”

And “I am Joffrey’s regent, not you!”

To be fair, Tyrion is also acting rather immaturely.

It’s kinda funny how two grown adults who currently are some of the most powerful people in their country are throwing childish sibling spats. The biggest difference between Tyrion and Cersei is that Tyrion has much more eloquent insults.

Of course, Tyrion’s best point is how Cersei turns a blind eye to Joffrey’s treatment of Sansa. It’s clear that Cersei only has empathy for her children and maybe also Jaime. Cersei’s argument isn’t that no woman should be abused like she was, it is that Myrcella shouldn’t be, which really tells you everything you need to know about our lovely lioness. Cersei doesn’t care about how cruel and unfair her society is, as long as it isn’t cruel and unfair to her (and her children and maybe also Jaime).

Also, marrying Myrcella off to Dourne ain’t half bad from a political point of view.

The second half of the conversation, after Cersei cries, is great, because it brings to mind a question, if Tyrion had been the one to cry, would Cersei have comforted him? The answer is no, obviously not.

But, anyways, Cersei is truly one of the best written villains ever. She has committed murder, incest, and many other vile crimes, but her greatest sin is definitely not thanking Tyrion after he was nice to her at the end of this chapter.

Tyrion IV, IX, X, XII-

These chapters all have something special which puts them above the other Tyrion chapters.

Tyrion IV is the chapter where Tyrion gives Pycelle, Varys, and Littlefinger each a different piece of information to find out who is snooping on him. It’s one of Tyrion’s cleverest moments.

Tyrion IX is the chapter with the riot of king’s landing.

The riot scene is cool because George is great at writing chaos. We had eight chapters of build up showing the awful situation in King’s Landing, and it all comes to a head in this chapter.

Tyrion X has the part where Varys talks about how his dick was cut off, which is a bit I think about a lot.

Tyrion XII has the fake out with Shae and Chataya. It’s a good fake out, and a clever moment.

Tyrion I, II, III, VI, VII, VIII, and XI-

Tyrion is such a delightful scamp. Cersei’s also in these chapters, and she’s fun.

Theon I-

My favorite part of this chapter is when Balon says that Theon is dressed like a girl because he’s wearing a necklace that he didn’t steal. That’s how you use worldbuilding! The aspects of Ironborn culture actually affect our characters and their dynamics!

Anyway, this whole chapter is depressing. Theon returns to his childhood home, this place he’s idealized through nostalgia for ten years. However, the islands have changed, or is it Theon’s eyes that have changed? It’s both, actually.

Arya VII, VIII, IX-

These chapters follow Arya in Harrenhal, and Harrenhall is a pretty great location, with all its spooky lore and legends.

The events of the previous chapters saw Arya losing a lot of confidence. However, her ordering assassinations makes her feel strong and in control again.

Cat V and VI-

These chapters see Cat being a sad little kitty. She has too much responsibility, and she hates it. Not a huge amount of plot occurs, other than Edmure going to fight, but it’s still interesting to see Cat contemplate her situation.

It is also kind of funny that Cat had responsibility forced on her from a young age, and now look at what’s happening to her children.

Arya I-

Set up chapters are rarely great, because they are usually just introductions, exposition, and recap. However, they can still be good if the information is delivered in an interesting manner. I would say this chapter does a good job of giving us information, as we are shown Arya’s current state through her interactions with the other Night’s Watch recruits.

Arya V-

After the fight in Arya IV, Arya spends this chapter running around until the Mountain’s men capture her and kill Lommy.

It’s interesting to see Arya have to be responsible.

Arya IV-

This chapter had the night’s watch recruits being attacked by Amory Lorch.

I’ve always found it a little annoying that we never see Yoren’s death. It’s the second time Arya has a mentor and we don’t see his death. I know that’s not the point of these books, but I’m a sick freak.

I’ve also found Yoren’s actions in this chapter to be almost out of character in how dumb they are, but we barely know him, so it really doesn’t matter.

The fight itself is perfectly fine: there’s a good sense of space, it uses the environment well, and it feels chaotic without being confusing.

It’s also a nice character moment for Arya to risk her life to save Weasel as well as Jaqen, Rorge, and Biter.

Theon III-

This chapter sees Theon having beaten the Tallhearts. He confers with Dagmar Cleftjaw and convinces him to attack Winterfell.

This whole chapter has Theon feeling angry and ashamed, and like a little kid forced to sit in the corner, he’s taking his anger out on everyone.

Balon and Asha criticized his masculinity, so now he’s going “Oh, you think I’m unmanly? Oh, I’ll show you, and also myself, because I’m insecure, and also angry at the world for being unfair. Also, I feel like I need to prove myself as being worthy of respect because I don't understand the inherent value of my life or other’s lives.”

Theon is definitely trying to prove himself to those he’s leading in battle.

Obviously, Theon doesn’t feel satisfied with the victory in this chapter, and he foolishly believes this means he hasn’t won enough, when the real reason why he’s unsatisfied is because he’s betraying his best friend because of his Daddy issues.

Theon manipulates Dagmer in this chapter by talking about all the songs that will be sung by his victory, but he’s also definitely convincing himself, as he’s obviously uncertain about this extremely stupid plan. Theon also wants songs written about him, and he also wants to be adored. I do like scenes where character A convinces character B by using character B’s motivations/insecurities, which are also character A’s motivations/insecurities.

Bran IV, Bran V, and Bran VI-

Bran IV and Bran V have Meera and Jojen teaching Bran about magic.

The characters here are all pretty delightful, and learning about greenseeing is fun. I don’t have anything to complain about.

Bran VI is the Bran chapter where Theon takes Winterfell.

The beginning is fun, with Bran having this suspenseful wolf dream.

The rest sees Jojen’s green dreams from earlier being paid off, and it also serves as a cool character moment for Bran, who has to keep it together as everything goes wrong around him. Once again, Bran is powerless, and once again, he’s in a situation where he can’t just sit in a corner and cry because he has responsibilities.

Cat I-

This chapter begins with Robb in front of his court, telling Cleos Frey to deliver a message to the government in King’s Landing. It’s a cool scene because of how we see Cat’s reactions. Cat’s internal monologue is like a sports commentator in this chapter, judging whether Robb made a good move or not when talking with Cleos.

After that, Cat and Edmure argue with Rob, and that is also a neat bit because we see how Rob now has more power than Cat, which is awkward, as well as everything I discussed in my Rob character ranking. I was pretty proud of what I wrote there.

Cat also talks to The Blackfish, and I don’t have anything bad to say about that scene.

So, yeah, a well rounded chapter.

Theon II-

This is the chapter where Asha pranks Theon by pretending to be someone else so Theon can hit on her.

I understand why this happened in the story. It

A. has Theon humiliated in a way with cuts at his sexuality and feelings of masculinity, and

B. Shows how Theon has lost touch with the Iron Islands

Also, the whole situation is intentionally messed up, at least, I hope it is.

You can make an argument that what Asha is doing is a form of sexual assault, especially with her unzipping Theon’s pants.

At the very least, Asha is doing something similar to what Theon did to the captain’s daughter in the previous chapter, weaponizing her sexuality to emotionally use someone.

Both Theon and Asha are very messed up people, both of them very insecure about their gender and sexuality. They both feel like they have to prove themselves in this sort of fictional game of gender. Asha’s actions are a way of her showing her power, her going “Hey, this is my turf, don’t fuck with me.” The fact that Asha feels the need to do that is sad.

It is this same impulse to show one’s strength which causes Theon to kill the two miller’s boys.

However, all that being said, the book kind of indulges in it. The whole bit goes on waaaay to long, and the thing with her grabbing his dick is taking it waaaay to far. It goes from being unpleasant in a thought provoking way to being unpleasant in a gross way.

Also, this is a series which already has too much incest in it. There’s a thin line between “being dark to explore the darkness in the world” and “being dark to be edgy” , and this series occasionally crosses it.

What’s crazy is that this chapter has more than that bit.

We get the first instance of Asha’s routine of “this axe is my husband, and this knife is my suckling babe.” That is an example of something which you view differently on a re-read.

When I first read this book, I thought to myself “Oh, that’s a badass thing to say.”

When I reread it, I thought to myself “Man, I can relate to Asha making the same joke over and over. I’ve been repeating the same routine about my hair for ages. It’s also funny how well this statement sums up Asha’s relationship with gender, where she feels the need to show that ‘she’s not like other girls, because instead of doing classically feminine things she does classically masculine things’. This comes from a place of insecurity and also a need to protect herself, as femininity isn’t respected in the Iron Islands, so Asha has to constantly prove her ‘masculinity’ like this in order to survive. Theon does something similar. “

I actually didn’t think that. I thought “Hey, that’s the thing she says once in Feast and two times in Dance! Isn’t that funny.”

We also get more of Theon being humiliated at the Feast and in front of Baelon and on the rope bridge.

It’s sad.

Cat IV-

This is the chapter where Renly gets shadow-baby’d to death.

However, it begins with Cat praying in a sept, which is such a sad scene, with Cat seeing all these different faces in each member of the seven.

Cat also thinks about how food has lost its flavor now that Ned has died, and that’s extremely depressing.

The part where Renly gets killed by the shadow baby is…it’s actually kind of weird? Like, Renly being killed is a perfectly mysterious moment. However, after Renly gets killed, we get a very strange bit where Brienne fights three guards while Cat convinces Robar Royce that Brienne didn’t kill Renly. It’s weird because Cat talks with Robar for almost a page, and it’s weird that Brienne is fighting three dudes in an enclosed space this entire time. I just can’t picture it- because it makes no sense. It’s also really funny to picture Brienne being in a fight to the death with three men while Cat has a conversation with someone two feet away.

This silliness kind of removes the sense of suspense for me. Overall, the fight between Brienne and the three men is one of the least intense fights of the entire series. There’s no sense of space, we don’t really understand the environment the characters are in, and we keep cutting back and forth between the fight and a conversation.

I have a bunch of other minor nitpicks about Brienne and Catelyn’s flight, as it’s unusually illogical for this series.

However, it’s not a boring scene, and I don’t really care about a bunch of minor plot holes, like how no one heard the commotion in Renly’s tent.

Arya II and III-

These two chapters do drag on a bit, as the plot doesn’t move forward at all.

However, they’re not bad. Our characters are moving through a war zone, so there’s a constant feeling of stress, a really dark atmosphere, and some fantastic worldbuilding, with us getting all these tiny glimpses of different people’s reactions to this tragedy. We see the common folk as not being one homogeneous collective, but as a disparate group of people, who, when placed together, paint a complete portrait of what it’s like to be commonborn.

These chapters are also about making Arya more empathetic. Obviously, Arya has to see what life is like for the common folk. However, there’s also a part where the gold cloaks come, Arya thinks they’re coming for her, but they’re actually looking for Gendry, making Arya realize that she isn’t the center of the universe.

This moment also shows the Night’s Watch recruits all collectively standing up to the gold cloaks in a nicd moment of solidarity, showing Arya how there can be this banal heroism within the common folk.

What’s interesting is that Arya’s first book has her not getting any respect because she’s a girl. In this book, she’s pretending to be a boy, and she’s still not getting any respect.

Sansa I, Sansa II, Sansa III, Sansa IV, and Sansa V-

These chapters see Sansa being sad in King’s Landing. It’s very sad to see, because we like Sansa.

Bran I-

Not much happens in this chapter, which is fine, because it allows it to be contemplative.

There’s a sense of discomfort with Bran, as so

much of what he likes to do has been taken away from him, as well as so much of his identity, that he doesn’t really know how to be himself. Bran is faced with the hard task of reinventing himself.

There’s also a sense of helplessness, as the lives of almost all of Bran’s family are currently in danger, but Bran can’t do anything about it.

Another sense is longing, as Bran can’t interact with Summer, and there’s also a clear desire in Bran to become Summer, being able to run and have adventures and not be “helpless”. This isn’t even subtext, Bran basically says as much.

Bran is acting a lot like a little kid in this chapter, constantly asking everyone questions, saying he doesn’t want to go to sleep, and howling like a wolf at one point. Bran is also, once again, very much so annoyed that no one is treating him like an adult, thinking about how he is more mature than Rickon, which is what matters, and also thinking about how Summer is much more calm and good-natured than Shaggydog. To Bran, Luwin saying that Summer is dangerous is the same as saying that Bran is immature.

Warging into Summer kind of represents a sort of immaturity which the adults in Bran’s life don’t approve of. To Bran, Summer being kept in the godswood is as much of a way of containing Bran as it is containing Summer. There’s definitely a feeling of being trapped, as Bran is trapped in Winterfell, trapped in his body, and trapped in Luwin and other’s expectations.

Davos II-

This chapter has the same problem as Davos I: Davos doesn’t do anything which affects the plot. Nothing would change if he was replaced by a lamppost, and he’s the POV character.

However, this chapter has Melisandre giving birth to a shadow baby, which is one of the most WTF moments in this entire series.

This chapter also has Stannis ranting about Renly and his peach, which is such a perfect moment. Stannis is so clearly upset about Renly’s death, and he’s so clearly trying to hide it, and while he’s telling himself it was worth it, he doesn’t actually believe it.

Stannis isn’t actually going to go to his grave thinking about the peach, he’s going to go to his grave thinking about how he killed Renly. Also, Stannis thinking Renly was going to attack him when he just had a peach shows how Stannis makes his own enemies and ruins his happiness by taking everything seriously and blah blah blah.

It’s a very complicated emotional moment for a very complicated character. I already wrote five pages about Stannis in the character ranking.

Tyrion XV-

Jesus Christ, about a quarter of this book is Tyrion.

This is his last chapter, and he’s all drugged out. It has a bunch of mini-dream sequences with some surreal imagery, so that’s nice.

It’s going below his other chapters because there’s no fun political scheming.

Jon VI-

This chapter is Ygritte’s first appearance!

It features a nice, simple fight with Jon and the Stonesnake fighting Ygritte and two other Wildlings.

We also get Jon making the decision not to kill Ygritte. Interestingly, he ends up making the opposite decision with Qhorin.

Of course, he then chooses to not kill the random old man in ASOS.

Then, he kills Janos Slynt in ADWD.

It appears that Jon is willing to kill people if they are A. trying to kill him, B. asking him to kill them, or C. the person responsible for his Dad’s death.

That makes sense to me.

Of course, Jon did seem like he was willing to kill Ygritte, it’s just that her talking about Bael humanized her in his eyes. Of course, if you ask me, I don’t think he would have been able to kill her, he was just looking for an excuse not to kill her.

Jon VII-

A character I didn’t mention in the character ranking is Squire Dalbridge, which I slightly regret, because he’s great. In case you forgot, he’s the member of the night’s watch who sacrifices himself so Qhorin’s party can get through the Skirling Pass. In fact, it is in this chapter when he does that.

I really liked Dalbridge, because he had silly guy(™) vibes, and I like that. He was an old dude who made dirty jokes and just seemed like a nice dude.

Dalbridge’s sacrifice supports a theme in Jon’s story in this book, sacrifice. Qhorin sacrifices himself, Craster sacrifices his children, the night’s watch sacrifices the well-being of many women by not killing Craster, et cetera.

Back to the chapter at hand, this chapter also features Jon warging into Ghost, which is cool because magic is cool. My analysis is so thought provoking. I suppose you can say that Jon’s potentially first wolf dream coming after he meets Ygritte means something.

Also, the wolf dream has some fantastic imagery, as it also includes a surreal part where Bran’s face appears in a tree and talks to Jon.

So, yeah, this chapter has a lot of impactful moments.

Bran II-

When you’re a child, you often assume that you understand the world perfectly, and Bran’s chapters portray that well. Bran very rarely questions his reality, and often makes grand assumptions.

Anywhoo, this chapter takes place before the harvest feast, it’s basically a collection of small vignettes showing Bran interacting with various people around Winterfell.

The vignettes at the beginning of the chapter are quiet pleasant.

We see Luwin being mad at the Walders for being mean to Hodor, which is an A+ moment. It also has Lord Wyman being his usual silly self, and this chapter features Rodrick Casswell’s cute crush on Lady Hornwood.

There’s also some discussion of politics which is pretty interesting because we’re viewing them through the eyes of this child who is trying very hard to understand what is going on.

Unfortunately, this chapter also had that moment where Osha is naked and talks to Bran, which I mentioned as creepy in my character ranking. I was very proud of my “Osha violation” quote.

Also, a lot of the vignettes after the Osha quote aren’t very interesting. We get a lot of character introductions, and many of the character’s aren’t all that interesting. There are also a lot of info dumps in this second half. In the beginning of the chapter, the information is tied back to Bran’s struggle with responsibility, but that’s slowly forgotten as the chapter goes on.

However, the pleasantness of the beginning makes up for the tiresome second half, in my opinion.

Jon I-

Like most set-up chapters, most of this chapter is us being fed information. There are still some cool moments, like Donal Noye’s “breaks before he bends” quote, Jon’s “Be troubled and do my duty.”

quote, and Sam being a huge history nerd.

Unfortunately, this chapter also has one of the few dumb moments in this series, where Jeor Mormont randomly gives Jon a history lesson about the house Targaryen which lasts for about a page. It’s such obviously expositive dialogue, and it took me right out of the book.

Arya X-

The problem with this chapter is that it comes after the battle of the blackwater, and at that point, I’m just wanting the story to wrap up.

It doesn’t help that about 75% of this chapter is setting up what will happen in the next book, and it sets it up in a vague way, like with Roose Bolton saying he is going to hunt wolves and that one Frey no longer marrying a princess. Also, Roose Bolton ordering the attack on Duskendale is a very important event which we don’t know is an important event until the next book.

Once all that is done, we get Arya and Gendry and Hot Pie sneaking out of the castle which I have no complaints about, but it only comes after a long string of information dumps.

Davos I-

The problem with this Davos chapter is that Davos doesn’t do anything in it. The plot just happens, and Davos watches.

However, this chapter does have Stannis being Stannis, so I can’t put it any lower.

Jon II-

What happens in this chapter? Nothing. The Night’s Watch sees a tree, Sam sends a raven to Castle Black, and some houses are searched. However, it also has the introduction of Doloures Edd, which makes up for it.

Jon IV and V-

These two whole chapters are just exposition. No atmosphere, no movement of Jon’s character, no action. Instead, we get information about how many men the night’s watch have and how many wildlings there and this and that. Obviously, this is all very important information, but the entire chapter is devoted to it, and it gets very tiring very quickly. George could have broken it up with some interesting character interactions or something, like with Theon I, TWOW.

Oh, yeah, these chapters also see Ghost finding dragonglass, and Qhorin appears.

Dany I-

This chapter is grueling. Dany is moving through the red wastes, and Jorah tells her his backstory. It’s just…stuff.

The best part is the beginning because Dany names her dragons, and it’s interesting to see her thought process. This chapter also has a nice atmosphere to it.

Dany II, Dany IV, Dany V-

These chapters are so low because Xaro Xhoan Daxos is in them.

These chapters also have a lot of Jorah, and I think my biggest problem with him is that he has such a basic personality, and that makes him very boring. He has no dynamic with any characters other than him being pervy over Dany.

Dany also has nothing to do in these chapters. Her only decision is to go into the house of the undying. Everything else is just Dany reacting to what is happening to her.

A Storm of Swords Chapter Ranking:

Catelyn VII-

This is the chapter where the Red Wedding happens. Of course it’s at the top. It’s the best chapter in the series. I feel comfortable saying that it is one of the best chapters in any book ever.

The way the suspense slowly ramps up is absolutely genius, with these tiny little hints that things are wrong slowly building up. This is basically a textbook example of how to slowly raise the tension in a scene.

Not only that, but the book goes far to show how miserable the experience is before the murders start. The music is loud and blaring and the room is stuffy and a bunch of people are acting weird.

Then, the bloodshed occurs, and every sentence is like an ax to the head. Just look at this prose,

“Finally someone took the knife away from her. The tears burned like vinegar as they ran down her cheeks. Ten fierce ravens were raking her face with sharp talons and tearing off strips of flesh, leaving deep furrows that ran red with blood. She could taste it on her lips.” (Catelyn VII, ASOS)

I mentioned this chapter a bunch in my character reviews because it’s the cruelest possible end for Catelyn. Not only does Cat think she loses all of her children, Roose saying “Jaime Lannister sends his regards” leads her to believe that this was all her fault.

I feel like this chapter deserves more, but like, what else can I say? I can’t really explain why it is so disturbing. The idea of being murdered at a wedding is pretty horrific, and there is a lot about the scene which is kind of darkly humorous: Edmund and Rosalyn having sex while Edmund’s sister is being murdered below, Jinglebell’s hat jingling as he’s killed, Dacey asking a Frey out and the Frey saying no and coming back to kill her.

The killing of Jinglebell has always stood out to me, as it has Cat, a pretty empathetic person, killing someone to accomplish nothing. She’s acting a lot like Rickard Karstark in that moment.

Every bit of the last few paragraphs is just brutal. I can’t describe why, it simply is.

“It hurts so much, she thought. Our children, Ned, all our sweet babes. Rickon, Bran, Arya, Sansa, Robb . . . Robb . . . please, Ned, please, make it stop, make it stop hurting . . . The white tears and the red ones ran together until her face was torn and tattered, the face that Ned had loved. Catelyn Stark raised her hands and watched the blood run down her long fingers, over her wrists, beneath the sleeves of her gown. Slow red worms crawled along her arms and under her clothes. It tickles. That made her laugh until she screamed. "Mad," someone said, "she's lost her wits," and someone else said, "Make an end," and a hand grabbed her scalp just as she'd done with Jinglebell, and she thought, No, don't, don't cut my hair, Ned loves my hair. Then the steel was at her throat, and its bite was red and cold.” (Catelyn VII, ASOS)

I was thinking of cutting something away from that paragraph, but like every word feels necessary.

I will say this, George makes the right decision to have the focus of this be on Cat’s relationships with her kids and Ned, as they have been so extremely important to her character. There’s a reason why Ned liking parts of her body is mentioned twice in that paragraph.

In conclusion, the Red Wedding is as horrific as it is indescribable.

Arya XI-

This is the Arya chapter immediately after the Red Wedding chapter. It might be the shortest chapter in the entire series, and it is entirely action. On its own, this chapter might not be anything to write home about, but immediately after the Red Wedding, man oh man are we glued to our seats.

It also helps that George is really great at writing, setting up the environment for a fight. The Arya chapter before this did a good job at setting up the space around the Twins, and everything feels so chaotic while not being confusing. Lots of thought is put to the layout of the battle, which makes it easy to understand

This chapter also has such a harsh feeling of desperation to it. Arya is someone extremely desperate for human connection, and she’s gone so far to reach her family, simply as they are the only people who she feels will love her unconditionally.

Arya XII and XIII-

These two chapters are Arya’s two last chapters in this book, and they are two of the bleakest chapters in the series. Arya has no one left and she’s being taken care of by a sucky, sucky dude. Her only escape is in dreams. That’s depressing.

Ayra’s arc has been about the struggle to find human connection, but she keeps rejecting the connection she finds out of fear. Arya believes this is all in service of getting to her family, people she knows to love her, only for them to be taken away.

Now, she sees herself as being entirely low.

I would brutally kill two people if I was her.

I like how pointless the fight at the Inn at the Crossroads is. Sure, Polliver and the Tickler are sucky dudes, but the whole fight is about Sandor returning to Harrenhall, something which has nothing to do with Arya. Oh, and also, it doesn’t matter if he goes back to Harrenhall, because Gregor is currently dying in a different place.

Even though Arya gets her revenge, she doesn’t benefit at all from it. Revenge isn’t satisfying, nor is it soul crushing, it’s just revenge. Even if Arya gets every name on her list, it wouldn’t matter. Robert is an example of a character who got complete revenge and was then left empty after it, simply because he had made anger his entire reason for living. It’s almost like living out of spite and anger is inherently unfulfilling.

Arya’s quest for revenge is something she does out of a belief that it will make the pain go away (it won’t), and it will be like her proving herself. Also, her quest for revenge is kind of a weird way of keeping the memory of those she’s known alive. Arya is obsessed with that idea, keeping Ice around because it reminds her of Jon and taking the names of people she’s lost like Cat and Nymeria. Repeating the names of Illyn Payne and Janos Slynt is like a way of her remembering Ned. Basically, Arya recounting the names is like her picking at a scab.

Or, maybe I’m wrong.

Moving on, Arya brutally murdering someone, sparing The Hound, and then leaving Westeros is such a perfect way of closing this phase of her arc. She’s running away from the land which holds her grief and trauma, thinking that there is nothing left in it for her. Arya previously ran away from the Brotherhood for fear of human connection, and Rob also runs away from human connection in Storm. This book, and also the series, has a lot of people actively avoiding their trauma. The thing is, Arya also likes being reminded of her trauma, as I talked about previously. I guess that’s contradictory, but not really. That’s just how people are. Arya is a child who doesn't understand grief, so she continues this destructive habit; simultaneously never letting anything go while cutting others out of her life.

You can say that the Hound represents this. He’s someone who lives in constant fear of fire and is always angry about his brother and the existence of knights. Meanwhile, he’s constantly a jerk to everyone because he’s afraid that human connection will lead to pain. Arya refusing to kill him is kind of symbolic of her refusing to kill that part of herself. That might be a stretch. This might all be a stretch. I’m actually just a giant poseur, believe it or not.

However, what I do not know is that Arya murdering someone is symbolic of her murdering someone.

Every book in this series has Arya murder someone towards the end. Her first murder, in Game, was an accident. Her murder of the random Bolton guy in ACOK was done out of necessity, and she very clearly did not want to do it. At the end of ASOS, she screams and stabs two people to death. In AFFC, she spontaneously decides to kill someone out of a sense of honor, and we don’t see it. In ADWD, she assassinates a dude with poison. These different methods of murder show how Arya’s growth, just as her different mentors over the series also show her change.

Arya XIII just reminds me how shitty Mercy is. With Arya XIII, Arya’s killing is messy, she’s screaming and crying, and it’s very clearly a moment of irrationality. She’s grieving and murder is her way of coping. However, with Mercy, she’s all calm and in control, and that’s not Arya! She’s a messy child who is constantly ruled by her impulses, not some calculating femme fatale! Ugh.

Anywhoo, Arya XII and XIII make me want to cry and throw up.

I think about Arya’s wolf dream in Arya XII a lot, because her willing Cat’s corpse to rise is so…odd. Like, why does Nymeria tell Cat to rise? Does Nymeria not understand that Cat is dead, or is she in tune with the old gods at this moment? It’s…confusing in the way that dreams often are, which is what makes it work.

I also often think about the scene where The Hound mercy kills the squire. A key theme ofArya’s chapters in ACOK and ASOS is the way the war hurts random people, and this chapter shows how The Red Wedding hurt this one random guy.

The reason why this scene is so impactful to me, however, is how casual it is. The squire talks about how he was killed by this one guy, and then The Hound offers to give him some water and then mercy kill him, and the squire basically goes “alright.” I like how the prose matches Arya’s train of thought in the way that it darts around to these random details, like the way The Hound’s helmet looks, because Arya is trying to distract herself.

I also constantly think about the random teenager squire who Arya kills, and how he begged not to die. There’s a lot of people begging in ASOS, and it is very disturbing.

I feel like one could spend hours analyzing every single line in Arya XIII. It tells us so much about The Hound, it serves as such a pivotal moment for Arya, and also continues this idea of justice which is present throughout ASOS.

Justice and vengeance are key themes of ASOS. We get the injustice of Tyrion and Jon’s imprisonment, and also the injustice of the Hound winning his trial by combat. There’s Loras wanting vengeance on Brienne. There’s Davos wanting vengeance for Melisandre. There’s the injustice of Lysa getting really mad at Sansa when Sansa was the victim. There’s Oberyn’s vengeance. I could go on.

Arya XIII is very interesting in this aspect, as we see Arya carrying out her vengeance on Polliver, but refusing to carry out her vengeance on Sandor. She says it’s because “he doesn’t deserve to die”, but one could argue it is a bit more than that, that maybe Arya kind of didn’t want to kill him. Maybe she was tired of vengeance. Maybe not. IDK.

ASOS never really lands on any final statement on judgment or vengeance, we are simply left to figure out what it all means. These ideas of justice and vengeance are also continued on into Feast and Dance, where we see more revenge and injustice.

However, that's a discussion for another time

Overall, these two chapters are just extremely depressing. There are zero moments of relief or joy of any kind. They are just straight up misery from beginning to end, and that is what makes them great.

Tyrion XI-

This is Tyrion’s last chapter in this book. I talked about it when I talked about Tyrion’s character in the character ranking, as it is very important to his character.

I want to say something about this chapter, but I kinda said everything in the character ranking, and I don’t want to repeat myself.

I like that Tywin dies on the toilet because many often call such a death pathetic. Personally, I would love to die on the toilet because then I won’t have to wipe. However, Tywin is a man obsessed with his legacy, but his legacy is poop and a dead prostitute in his bed.

Overall, the drama in this chapter is juicy, the emotions are high, and we end feeling like Tyrion has completed a sort of journey.

Tyrion X-

This is the chapter where Oberyn and The Mountain fight.

It’s also the chapter where Tyrion gives his “I wish I had poison for you all!” speech. It’s a fantastic speech, obviously, especially considering how short it is.

The fight is also awesome, and the most satisfying possible result. We want The Mountain to die, but we also need Tyrion to still be found guilty, and we need to show how quests for revenge don’t end well. The result of the fight gives us all three

I really like how methodical the book is with describing the advantages each character has. We know exactly why each part of the battle happens. It’s like the fight is a sports game and Tyrion’s inner monologue is a sport’s announcer going “Oh! And Oberyn has used Gregor’s lack of peripheral vision against him!”

Tyrion VIII-

This is the purple wedding chapter. It’s pretty perfect. We get Tyrion having a very cinematically sad moment where he sees a couple in love, catching a glimpse of something he believes he will never have. Tysha basically caused Tyrion to give up on actually having a meaningful love with someone, but he actively wants it extremely badly.

A key theme in this book, and the series in general, is people purposefully separating themselves from others because they’re afraid of being hurt. We see how that can grow into actively driving people away.

Both Arya and Tyrion fall further into this practice, and both of them end this book committing murder.

Tyrion is also a very jealous person in this chapter, even being jealous of Joffrey, comparing what’s going on to what happened at his own wedding. And, to be honest, who can blame him? It is unfair that this jerk gets to be beloved while Tyrion does not.

Of course, Tyrion does actively drive himself away from affection all the time, and he spends the entirety of Clash and Storm focusing on his career rather than his social life, so he isn’t doing himself any favors.

And, this is all just about one tiny moment from the chapter.

Other highlights include Tyrion talking with Sansa and once again failing to make her happy. This is something which happens six or so times in this book, but it never feels repetitive, as every time is a bit different.

There’s also the part with the singers where Tyrion makes jokes to Garlan and his wife. This part is a showcase of how much Tyrion enjoys being liked, and how he uses comedy to do so. We also see that making others laugh boosters his ego, so he often does it when he’s feeling ashamed, as he does feel in this chapter.

Another part of this chapter is the show where the two little people perform the jousts. It is a pretty perfect encapsulation of why representation in media is important. I can imagine Joffrey saying “Oh, are you triggered, bro?” to Tyrion.

This chapter has seventy seven other amazing moments. Olenna has some funny lines, we get some beautiful descriptions of food, Joffrey and Margaery using Ice to cut the pie has got to be extremely traumatic for Sansa since Joffrey ordered the death of her father with a similar sword.

Of course, what this chapter is remembered for is Joff’s death, which is amazing. He’s a character who sucks, and it is fun to see him die, but it’s also kind of horrifying because of the way it’s described, and also because people dying is horrifying in general.

Jon VII-

I am sad. This chapter sees Styr lead the wildling attack on the Wall, and it is here that Ygritte dies. Obviously, Ygritte’s death is sad because Ygritte was a great character. The battle is also one of my favorite battle scenes in the entire series. Why? Well, there are a lot of moving parts, but it doesn’t feel chaotic. It also feels like all of these moving parts are essential for the battle’s resolution, as the Wildlings are attacking multiple different places, and the Night’s Watch needs to repel them in all these specific places. We’re fairly familiar with the layout of the wall at this point, so we understand the layout of the battle. Not only that, but there are people on both sides of the battle who we don’t want to die. Also, a lot of the ways the Night’s Watch repels the Wildlings are creative, like with the explosives under the stairs.

You can tell that it took a long time for this battle to be written, as there is a lot of attention paid to these tiny details, even the ones we don’t notice or care about, like whether the stairs are to the left or the right of the archery range. Not only that, but it doesn’t feel like the battle ever gets bogged down in the tiny details, as this book does sometimes. We are given exactly the amount of information we need to know for this battle to be as tense as possible.

Plus, this is a real underdog battle, as the book takes great pains to show us, and yet, the victory of the Night’s Watch doesn’t feel forced.

You can see George’s Tolkien influences here, as this is reminiscent of the battle at…uh…shit…Helm’s Deep? You know the one. Whatever.

Basically, this is a battle where everything has to go perfectly for the Night’s Watch to win, and things don’t go perfectly, but the Night’s Watch still wins.

Catelyn VI-

This is the chapter before the Red Wedding, and George is already giving us tension with Rosalyn crying and Cat’s frequent insistence that Rob eats Walder's bread and salt. Oh, and also, Grey Wind goes crazy. Even if you don’t know what’s coming, everyone reading this chapter is probably aware of the trope of “Animals can sense evil”.

It also helps that all of the characters in this chapter are fantastic, so even without the chapter after thus one, it’s still a nice read.

Catelyn III-

I feel like I’m going to keep repeating “I talked about this in the character ranking” when talking about Cat’s chapters in this book. This chapter has Rickard Karstark kill the hostages and Robb killing Rickard Karstark.

The whole scene with Robb and Rickard is brilliant. Catelyn wonders if Robb sees Bran and Rickon in the hostages. Then, Robb talks about how the hostages were just boys, and it becomes clear that is precisely what Robb is doing when Robb says of the hostages,

“They were captives, locked in a cell, asleep, unarmed…boys. Look at them!” (Cat III, ASOS)

Also, Robb telling Rickard to look at the boys is kind of ironic, as Robb is refusing to address his grief over Bran and Rickon, symbolically refusing to look at their symbolic corpses.

Karstark’s response to Robb is to tell Cat to look at the corpses of the hostages because she killed them as much as he did, and that’s just a fantastic moment.

There’s also a moment where one of Rickard’s conspirators says he didn’t do the killing, just watched, so Robb tells The Greatjon to hang him last.

We see that Robb’s badassness here is coming from a very clear place of grief and also fear of his own emotions. Robb is in a situation where he is not allowed to be weak or to grieve, so he turns his grief into anger.

Rickard is also in a situation where he is not allowed to be weak or grieve.

This scene also foreshadows Catelyn’s eventual quest for vengeance, with Rickard comparing her to himself, and it also parallels Davos’ short lived quest for revenge following the death of his children. Rickard, Davos, and Cat are all grieving parents working out their feelings in really unhealthy ways.

You could say that Robb killing Rickard is symbolic of him severing his ties to others, as Theon and Cat are people he had very strong connections to. It also allows Robb to get a sort of symbolic revenge on Theon. Robb is in a situation where the person who wronged him is someone who has already been defeated, so he just sees everyone as Theon. Robert kind of does something similar with Rhaegar, taking his anger on a dead man out on Dany’s unborn child and anyone who bothers to piss him off.

It’s no wonder that Robb acts in the way he does, considering the fact that he believes his childhood friend killed two of his brothers. Robb probably is partially blaming himself for trusting Theon.

Similarly, one wonders if Rickard also partially blames himself for the deaths of his children, considering the fact that he led them into battle.

I’ve already compared him to Davos, who definitely blames himself.

It is easy to turn anger at yourself into anger at others.

Obviously, Rob’s killing of Rickard is a political move, as he has to appear strong. In a sense, that was also one of Rickard’s motivations for killing the two hostages, and they were also Theon’s motivations for killing the two miller’s boys. A lot of politics in this series is based on giving the appearance of strength (specifically traditionally masculine strength). If one wants to keep political power, one needs to be all macho, or at least, that’s what characters like Tywin believes. His entire political strategy is just giving off the appearance of strength.

Many characters in this series internalize this, constantly trying to give the appearance of strength- just look at Joff.

This often comes from a place of insecurity. A ruler in an unstable position has to try twice as hard to be strong, as Rohanne Webber explains. Meanwhile, someone who is afraid of others believing them to be weak must try twice as hard to be strong. With Joff, this leads to him being cruel.

Also, Rob killing Rickard is also done out of a sense of honor, because you have to take action when someone wrongs you. This is also Walder Frey’s motives, and also Rob’s motives for the entire war. Arya’s list also comes out of a similar desire, as does her killing of Dareon in book four.

It’s also Balon’s motives, as well as one of Dany’s motives. Tywin is also motivated by this, as we can tell from Roose’s conversation with Jaime in ASOS. Roose points out that Tywin will simply have no choice but to take revenge on Roose if he is blamed for Jaime’s loss of a hand.

This whole series is full of people being prideful and prickly and believing they have to have revenge because not doing so would make them appear weak.

After the scene with the hostages, Robb has a conversation with The Blackfish which is also fantastic, as we see Robb’s anger and immaturity bouncing perfectly off of The Blackfish’s stoic bluntness.

“[Robb] looked at them all. ‘Will the Lannisters thank me for Lord Richard’s head? Will the Freys?’

‘No,’ said Brynden Blackfish, blunt as ever.”

This whole chapter is filled with a hundred amazing little moments like these. It’s what happens when you get a lot of amazing characters, put all of them in an extremely morally fraught state, and then have them deal with a very complex moral situation.

One final note, I also like the detail of Robb taking off his crown whenever he’s not holding court. It’s clear that the crown is sort of symbolic for him entering “king mode”.

Sansa VII-

I mentioned this chapter when I talked about Sansa and Littlefinger in the character ranking. This is Sansa’s final chapter, the one where Petyr pushes Lysa out of the moon door. However, the part I found the most interesting is the beginning, where Sansa goes out into the snow and builds a version of Winterfell out of snow.

We get many pages exemplifying how Sansa is still this innocent little girl who refuses to buy into the cynicism around her. She appreciates the way snow glitters in the morning and still has the longing to be a Disney princess. Then, she lets Littlefinger into her snow castle, letting down her defenses for him. Littlefinger acts all friendly, makes her feel at ease, and then betrays her trust. He basically metaphorically betrays guest right, and also Sansa’s rights. It’s also all the more horrifying because Sansa literally can’t do anything about it. She’s just as helpless against him as she is as helpless against Joffrey. It doesn't matter where, everyone loves taking advantage of Sansa.

Jaime VI-

This is the chapter where Jaime saves Brienne from the bear pit. Everything about this moment is perfect:

Jaime has lost his hand and so has to use his wits, something which I’ll talk more about when talking about his chapters in Feast. Basically, him having to adapt forces Jaime to grow and mature.

It calls back to the Bear and the Maiden Fear. That song is sung a half dozen times in this book, and this moment makes it worth it.

Jaime risking his own life for Brienne’s is the perfect climax for his arc. Of course it is. It shows him no longer being selfish. It’s simple and it works.

The dream sequence is filled with some awesome imagery. I like the metaphor of Brienne’s sword continuing to burn, showing that Jaime’s belief in chivalrous and knightly virtue has gone, but Brienne’s remains. This is what leads Jaime to rescue Brienne, as he realizes that these innocent values of hers are something that needs to be protected.

Bran IV-

This is Bran’s final chapter in Storm. Sam shows up! I already talked about that. It’s a great moment. Just having Jojen and Meera interact with Sam is gold because it feels so novel.

Oh, and also, this chapter has a fucking talking tree. What the fucking hell is up with that? It’s probably the most magical moment in the entire series. While it’s nowhere near the most magical thing I’ve ever read, it definitely feels like it.

There’s so much mystery surrounding the tree, and also the Nightfort, and Coldhands, and that drop of water that was salty as a tear.

This chapter has such a delightful vibe, as do all of Bran’s chapters in this book. The mix of comedy and terror and childlike whimsy is like a Henry Selick film, or a Tim Burton film, but like, one of the good ones.

Tyrion IX-

This chapter follows Tyrion as his trial occurs. While the trial is extremely unfair, it is also a direct result of Tyrion’s actions. As I’ve said, Tyrion never made any actual friends in King’s Landing, so there is no one who is willing to help him out other than Oberyn, who has his own motives.

This is in contrast to Jon, who has made friends and has many people trying to defend him. It’s almost like pushing everyone away because you think you’re incapable of love is a bad idea.

I feel like I’ve said that all three or four times now, but whatever.

It is still an extraordinarily unfair situation, which is why it works well.

This chapter also has a really nice character moment for Kevan where he explains why he is loyal to Tywin, as it gives some cool insight into his character.

Arya VI-

This is the chapter where Beric Dondarrion fights the Hound. It has a one-eyed zombie with a flaming sword fighting a giant man who is afraid of fire, of course it’s fantastic.

The reveal of Beric Dondarrion is just as satisfying as the reveal of Bloodraven, and the two characters are both one-eyed people sitting on weirwood thrones who are kept alive through magic.

This chapter has an atmosphere which I can not describe. It’s obviously dark and mystical, but it also has the same dirtiness and down to earth nature of the rest of Arya’s chapters. It leads to a really cool effect.

Catelyn V-

This is the chapter with Cat and Robb heading off to the Twins. It has some more very real and very hard hitting drama. Rob sending Cat to Seaguard is such a betrayal, but I can totally see why he would do that. Obviously, he does want to protect Cat, but he is actively trying to separate himself from her throughout this book as he is very much so afraid of the emotions being near Cat gives him.

As I said in the character ranking, there’s a reason why Rob is hanging out with Grey Wind less and has started to hang out with the Westerlands, everything from his past reminds him of those he has lost. Many of the other Starklings also often push away others because they’re afraid of losing them. Arya is very much so guilty of this.

Both Rob and Cat are in this very awkward situation where they don’t know how to talk to each other. Cat can tell that Rob’s coping methods are unhealthy, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it's the same for Rob, but both are afraid to tell the other. As a result, every conversation of theirs is a little dance with the two of them trying to help each other and failing.

A key theme in this chapter is also Rob having more power than Cat. This chapter has Rob telling Cat he plans to make Jon his heir, and when Cat objects Rob says “I’m the king”. This is one of many instances throughout ACOK and ASOS of Robb directly asserting his authority over Cat, and Cat being very much so hurt by this.

There’s also a bunch of exposition about Baelon dying and Euron taking his place. While I’ve complained about overloads of exposition and plot set-ups before, it never gets to be too much because in this chapter it's always placed between important character beats.

Catelyn IV-

A lot happens in this chapter. It starts with Hoster Tully’s funeral, and I mentioned it when I talked about Edmure in the character ranking, as it is a fantastic character moment for Edmure. It’s also a fantastic character moment for Catelyn, who is unable to comfort her grieving brother, just as she is unable to comfort her grieving son, and how she was unable to comfort her grieving husband.

After that, we get a whole bunch of drama. The decision to marry Edmure to Rosalyn is made, and we get a bunch of fantastically layered conversations with Edmure, Catelyn, Rob, and The Blackfish. These people are all grieving in different ways and they’re all trying to take care of these responsibilities, and they keep getting surprised by bad news. It is in this chapter where The Tullys learn about Sansa’s marriage, Rodrick Casswell’s death, and Rob’s troops failing to take Duskendale. It’s all devastating, and it all comes at once. You could rewrite this chapter from the perspective of any of the four redheads I mentioned, and it would be just as filled with sorrow and intrigue. The addition of Lothar and Illegitimate Walder Frey means that our characters also have to all guard their tongues.

I also really like the part at the end where The Blackfish chews out Edmure. George is very good at characters roasting other characters, and this is a fantastic example. I feel bad for Edmure in this scene, because he’s trying his best, but I also completely understand where The Blackfish is coming from, as Edmure is kind of being a beforehand. However, I also just get enjoyment out of the Blackfish roasting Edmure.

Of course, it’s likely that the Blackfish’s actions are probably him working through his own complex feelings about Hoster. The reason for Hoster and the Blackfish’ spat, apparently, is because of The Blackfish not wanting to marry, and the Blackfish is now chewing Edmure out because Edmure doesn’t want to marry.

This chapter also sees Cat telling Rob to make peace and Rob shooting her down again. One can say this is sort of metaphorical for Cat telling Rob to open up emotionally and Rob saying no. Rob’s refusal to surrender comes from his ideas of honor and pride which are based in his insecure masculinity and need to prove himself and appear strong. Him being all guarded is a result of his insecure masculinity and need to appear strong.

To Rob, Cat represents “feminine” and “womanly” things like emotions and not wanting to fight in pointless wars.

Jaime VIII-

This is the chapter where Jaime is now the commander of the Kingsguard and he tests all the other members.

The most fun part is when he roasts Meryn Trant and Boros Blount. The three books we’ve had of Meryn Trant and Boros Blount being absolute shits are paid off with this chapter, and it is extraordinarily cathartic.

Jaime also roasts Osmund Kettleblack, and that part is fun because Osmund is to stupid to realize he is being roasted.

There is then Jaime’s roast of Balon Swann, which is less about Balon and more about Jaime working through his own feelings about Aerys’ death by projecting himself onto Balon.

You can say that Jaime’s roast of every single one of the Kingsguard is just him working out his thoughts on Aerys’ death. He chews Meryn for obeying Jaime’s orders when Jaime was cruel, he calls Boros out for not saving his king, and his attack on Osmund is…eh, I guess that means nothing.

However, Jaime is definitely connecting Meryn Trant helping Joff abuse Sansa to Jaime doing nothing while Aerys abused Rhaella.

Once the other members have left, there is Jaime’s conversation with Loras.

That is also cool because Loras is so often said to be like a younger Jaime, so Jaime is basically counseling his younger self. In Feast, we see that Cersei takes the opposite position with Margaery, her symbolic younger self.

One could also say that the idealistic young boy still lives in Jaime, and Jaime counseling Loras is basically him nurturing the child within. However, Cersei, on the other hand, attempts to destroy the idealistic and innocent part of her, seeing anything that isn’t cold and emotionless as weak.

In this book, Brienne’s chivalrous attitude makes Jaime remember that person he wanted to be. Of course, Jaime does seem to believe that he can not be that person, and, you could say that might be for the best.

This book doesn’t end with Jaime deciding that he’s going to try to be that knight, it ends with him deciding to try to be whoever he wants to be.

Jaime IX-

This is Jaime’s last chapter in the book. The first bunch of the chapter is spent telling us about the current political situation in King’s Landing. It works alright mostly because we’re seeing everything through the eyes of Jaime, who’s snark perspective is fun to see politics through, and also because anything involving Tommen being king is both adorable and hilarious.

Then, we got Jaime and Cersei in the White Sword Tower. The scene between them is the opposite of the scene in the sept, with Cersei wanting Jaime, but Jaime refusing. Jaime’s refusal of Cersei is a pretty big character defining moment, showing him finally moving on from this toxic relationship. However, Jaime’s reasoning to Cersei is that he can’t do the dirty because of King’s Guard oaths. As I said previously, Jaime is afraid that he can’t do the right thing, and so he uses oaths as a crutch to stand on.

This series investigates freedom in an interesting way, as it shows how freedom is great in the sense that you can make your own decisions, but it’s also challenging because you have to make your own decisions and face the responsibilities for your own actions. This is one of the reasons why growing up is so scary, because even though you are free from your parents control, you have to take care of yourself.

Song shows how freedom is still worth it. Characters like Theon and Dany make choices to be free despite knowing the consequences of responsibility, and they usually benefit from it.

Eventually, Jaime will have to learn how to be kind without depending on oaths.

After Cersei leaves, Jaime talks to Brienne, sending her on her quest. It’s a nice resolution of their characters so far, showing that Jaime now respects Brienne. Him sending a woman on a knightly quest shows that Jaime has also become a bit of a woman respecter, so that is nice.

The last moment of this chapter is perfect, with Jaime looking at the White Book and deciding that he can write his own story. A big theme of this series is characters being forced into these positions in life.

The whole series has people cast into these roles in society and the world. Sansa and Arya have to be these ladies. Jaime has to be a knight. Faegon has to be king.

Some characters cast themselves. Bran wants to be a knight. Brienne wants to be a knight.

A lot of these fit character tropes. Every person in this story wants to be a character from a traditional fantasy story, but life isn’t a traditional fantasy story. Sometimes, life is complicated. Sometimes, you suffer and then you suffer some more, and you don’t gain anything from this suffering. I keep mentioning how characters are obsessed with what they deserve. This is also based on this story idea, as they believe that when they slay the dragon, they’ll get the treasure. However, sometimes you slay the dragon and the dragon is just dead.

These ideas are also connected to religion in this world, with the faith of the seven having people worship archetypes. People prey to the archetypes they want to be like, ie the warrior, the maiden, the mother, et cetera.

Returning to Jaime in this chapter, him deciding to write his own story shows a sort of victory over this mindset. It’s clear that taking charge of your own fate is necessary to grow as a person, just look at Theon. While Jaime is not some sort of perfect angel, he is willing to become a better person, realizing that he will not always be who he is now. Before this book, Jaime has this belief that he always has to be this cool fighter because that is always who he has been. However, losing his hand shows him, A. he is a mortal human person, B. he can no longer rely on his fighting skills, and C. he has skills other than fighting.

Overall, this chapter is the perfect conclusion to a pretty phenomenal character arc.

Jaime V-

This is the scene where Jaime and Brienne are in a bath and Jamie spills the tea on his tragic backstory.

It’s interesting as to why Jaime reveals the truth. It’s not because Brienne has earned it, either literally or symbolically. He reveals it because he is delirious. It’s never specifically stated, but I’ve always assumed that Jaime has never told anyone else, not even his sister.

Also, Jaime’s explanation of why he kept it as a secret is because he was sworn to do that, but like, since when does he care about oaths? I don’t think Jaime even knows why he has kept this secret.

Anywhoo, the reveal of why Jaime killed Aerys could have been something that came off as a retcon, but it doesn’t because it fits really well. Firstly, pretty much all of Jaime’s POV chapters have hints towards this, and it’s even clear that there is something that Jaime is hiding during his appearance in Cat’s chapter in ACOK. He’s clearly dodging Cat’s questions, talking about how Aerys killed Brandon and Rickard Stark, despite that not being an actual explanation.

Moving on, this chapter has more than just the bath scene. Both Qyburn and Roose are in this chapter, and both of them are such weird little freaks. Roose talking about how dates help with digestion is so funny to me because it makes me think that if Roose existed in the real world, he would be some sort of fitness nut. Pretty much the last quarter of this chapter is just Roose saying exposition, but it works well because Roose is such a fun character who communicates this information with the poetic mannerisms of a James Bond villain.

Samwell I-

This is one of the most intense chapters in the series. The way it jumps around through time gives it a very hectic and chaotic feeling, which makes sense. There is no real breathing time in this chapter, and that also makes sense.

Sam is trapped in this flurry of chaos and insanity, and the way this chapter is paced and structured perfectly displays that.

The descriptions of the attack on the Feast of the First Men do a fantastic job at making the Others and the Whites seem equally mysterious and dangerous. The whole scene is extremely hectic, and the constant carnage flying all around Sam means that it never loses any energy. It reminds me of a lot of scenes in war films where the characters are running around battlefields with all this insanity happening around them.

Plus, this chapter also has an Other in it, and that is cool because we barely ever see them.

Bran I, II, and III-

There are only really six characters in these three chapters: Bran, Jojen, Meera, Hodor, Summer, and that one random Liddle. I ranked all of these characters pretty highly in my character ranking, except for the random Liddle, who was too minor to rank. However, he was quite fun, being a slightly crazy hermit with a suggestion of an intriguing backstory.

I already said most of my thoughts on Bran’s chapters in the book ranking. There isn’t much to say about, since they are some of the simplest chapters in the entire series.

I will say this, I like the part where Meera tells Bran the story of the Knight of the Laughing Tree because Bran’s reactions to the story make him seem so much like a little kid. He keeps interrupting the story, and he thinks the story is weird and unsatisfying because it doesn’t follow the usual tropes of the stories he’s been told.

Also, I really like how big, expansive, and empty the world feels in these chapters. It reminds me of Calvin and Hobbes, weirdly enough, as there are many Calvin and Hobbes comics showing the natural world in a similar sense, where Calvin wanders through a seemingly endless expanse of trees and hills and rivers while still managing to get home in time.

There is a very child-like feeling to that. After all, the world does feel big when you’re a kid, and the emptiness does give off a feeling of adventure and freedom, but also a feeling of loneliness.

Samwell II and III-

This chapter has the mutiny at Craster’s Keep and Coldhands picking up Sam and Gilly. It’s some hectic action that moves Sam’s character in a great direction where he has to become more confident in order to take care of Gilly. As I’ve said before, lots of characters grow as people by having to take care of others. Sam does become braver like Randall wanted him to be, but Sam doesn’t do this out of honor and pursuits of masculinity, he does this out of kindness and love.

This is a bit of a nitpick, but I’ve always been a bit ticked off by the deus ex machina of Coldhands in Samwell III. It comes completely out of nowhere. I don’t think I’d mind if it wasn’t for the fact that this series isn’t usually like that.

Jaime I, II, III, IV-

These are all pretty exciting chapters, full of fun action, great characters, and a sense of adventure.

There is a weirdly episodic nature to these chapters. Chapter one is a fun boat adventure where Brienne uses rocks to take out some people chasing them on boats. This episode is reminiscent of an Indiana Jones film, as it’s a mix between a chase and a fight where characters make use of their environment, something which happens often in those films.

Chapter two is a fun tavern adventure where Brienne and Jaime go into a tavern and talk down the inhabitants from shooting them. I like the strong sense of uncertainty in this chapter, where both the characters and the audience are consistently suspicious of the tavern’s owners, but there’s nothing our characters or we can do. This feels vaguely like an old cowboy film, with the vaguely post- apocalyptic nature and the tense situation.

Chapter three is about Jaime and Brienne in Maidenpool. It feels like a…kung fu film, I guess? I say that mostly because of Brienne and Jaime’s fight. Jaime keeps thinking about Brienne’s fighting abilities and comparing them to his own, and their fight is a simple but intense one where neither dies.

Jaime treats fighting like Tyrion treats a conversation, with both of them doing a lot overthinking.

Chapter four is about Jaime and Brienne being captives. This chapter does a great job of pushing Jaime and Brienne together by placing them both in a crazy situation.

There’s a sense of constant danger because the Bloody Mummers are such giant turds and you know they can do anything awful at any second. I also like how Jaime has to act like Tyrion in this chapter, using his wits to protect himself and Brienne. Jaime yelling “Sapphires!” is a very Tyrion thing to do, as Tyrion also uses false promises in his sample chapter in Winds.

Jon VI, Jon V, and Jon VIII-

Jon V is the chapter where Jon and the wildlings are south of the wall and Jon runs away from the wildlings. It’s got some fun action in it.

Jon VI is the chapter where Jon returns to the wall and talks with Maester Aemon. It’s got a really nice feeling of tension and anxiety to it.

Jon VIII is the chapter after Ygritte’s death, and it sees Jon and the night’s Watch repelling more wildlings. The action is just as fun as ever. It is also in this chapter where Donal Noye dies, and Jon has to temporarily lead the watch. It’s cool to see Jon being forced to take a leadership role, as it forces him to continue to learn responsibility, while also showing how far he has come.

Jon’s chapters in this book are very simple and quick and punchy, and I didn’t find much to discuss.

Sansa V-

This chapter sees Sansa fleeing the Purple Wedding and getting picked up by Littlefinger. It is a whirlwind on a first read, as we get a lot of reveals in a very short amount of time. We definitely end up feeling as confused and flustered as Sansa.

Arya VII, Arya VIII-

Everything I said about III, IV, and V applies here, but now Beric and Thoros are in it! The tragedy of Beric is a harrowing one indeed, and it plays well into Arya’s character. She’s seeing two people refusing to move on in the sense that Beric is refusing to move on from death. Not only that, but Beric and Thoros sort of represent Arya’s fears of affection. Beric is in a codependent relationship with Thoros where he has forgotten about everyone in his past, with Thoros replacing even the role of a mother to him. Beric can not leave Thoros without dying. This is Arya’s worst nightmare personified.

Arya VIII features Arya’s abandonment issues in full force.

Arya takes Gendry and Hot Pie’s choices to stay behind very personally, despite these choices being done out of necessity.

As such, Arya chooses to run away from her problems, just like Robb, and she also chooses to run away from those trying to help her. Arya would rather distance herself from others than live with the fear of losing people again.

Arya is extremely afraid of being abandoned or misused, and we can see that through how many times she tries to run away from The Brotherhood. We can also see that in how Arya thinks about how her Mom might not love her again if she reunites with her, which is something that is so extremely tragic to think about.

Arya’s action of running away causes her to run into the Hound, who represents the consequences of what Arya’s trying to do. The Hound is a man defined by fear. He’s afraid of people being mean to him like his brother was, and so, he fiends everyone off by being an asshole.

Remember what I said about Tyrion, how his refusal to love himself hurts his interactions with others? That also applies to the Hound. Both characters were abused, and that makes them believe they are incapable of being loved, meaning they see all kindness as a threat. It also means that they fear everyone will break their hearts, so they act mean towards everyone and never form any human attachments.

Neon Genesis Evangelion explores similar ideas to this, with many of its characters having lost someone, and as a result, actively staying away from human companionship out of fear.

As I said before, The Hound is who Arya will end up becoming if she continues down her dark path. Beric and Thoros represent codependence, and The Hound represents brutal isolation. Arya runs away from one and runs into the other.

God I am a genius. I know I said the same thing six times in six different ways but I don’t care.

Arya II, III, IV, and V-

These chapters are made up of a cavalcade of some of George’s best characters. Lem, Anguy, Tom, Hot Pie, Gendry, Lady Smallwood, the Ghost of High Heart, Sharna, Lymond Lychester, the Lady of the Leaves, and everyone else are all delightful. It helps that we are seeing this all through the eyes of Arya, a character whose praises have been well and thoroughly sung.

Pretty much all of these characters have some effect on Arya. For instance, Lady Smallwood reminds Arya of this life of being a lady, but Arya also apologizes to Lady Smallwood for ripping up her dress, something she wouldn’t do in the first book. Or maybe she would. I don’t care. Also, the whole bit with Arya and Lady Smallwood is also really cute and is a great instance of kindness in an extremely harsh and cruel situation.

Lymond Lychester is a grieving man who’s unwillingness to let go of the past also serves as a great mini-lesson for Arya, as does the Ghost of High Heart’s eternal grief. Lady Smallwood is another grieving character. It’s clear that Lady Smallwood is using Arya as a temporary replacement for the daughter she lost.

Harwin is also there to remind Arya of her previous life in Winterfell and everyone she has lost.

Song really likes doing this, having main characters meeting minor characters who represent some aspect of their identity while they’re on the road. It’s especially present with Brienne and Jaime in Feast, but Arya’s story in this book also fits into that.

Arya I-

This is a very simple chapter consisting of Arya, Hot Pie and Gendry wandering around and Arya having a wolf time in her sleep.

It is really something that Arya is performing an insane act of magic but doesn’t even know. It’s also obviously tinged with sadness, with her wolf dreams being a form of escapism where she is part of a group.

Arya X-

This is the Arya chapter before the red wedding where she and the hound sneak into the gates.

This might be crazy, but The Hound sends he’s been sent by Lady Whent. Now, ‘ol Sandor hasn’t exactly been schooled well, so I doubt he’s familiar with the minor houses of the riverlands. However, he’s smart enough to know that he can’t say he’s been sent from a big house. So, he chooses the smallest house he knows. It makes sense that he would have heard about the Whents, as they recently discussed during the capture of Harrenhall.

Sansa I-

This is Sansa’s funnest chapter in this book for me because Olenna.

Even before Olenna, the chapter is pretty exciting. We start off with Sansa feeling kind of useless and lost now that she’s no longer a political bargaining piece, and she’s going to a party with Olenna and doesn’t know what to expect. This beginning helps to cast a sense of intrigue around Olenna and to show Sansa’s current dilemma.

Then, Loras shows up and escorts her, and their entire conversation is just punch after punch to Sansa’s ego. Loras doesn’t remember giving her the flower in book one, and Sansa accidentally upsets Loras. We see that Sansa is still struggling with her communication skills, but she’s trying very hard to get better, as they are the only way she can survive.

However, the scene in the Maidenvault is the centerpiece of the chapter. The Maidenvault is a woman’s place, where women can share their secrets. Once Loras leaves, Butterbumps is the only man who appears in this chapter.

Olenna does a perfect job of disarming Sansa by being all silly, and then she ropes her in by asking her about Joffrey. Her asking Butterbumps to sing loudly like a character in a spy movie playing music loudly to block out any bugs is hilarious.

Jon I-

In this chapter, we meet Mance. I already talked about how great Mance’s introduction is in my character ranking. It’s also our introduction to Tormund, and it is just as perfect. This is a very simple chapter with only a handful of characters, which is perfect. Jon is in an extremely risky situation where he has to think through every single thing he says, and that gives this chapter a constant sense of danger and anxiety. Jon could make one slip and he would be toast.

Jon III-

This is the chapter where Jon boinks Ygritte. I already explained why it works in my character review. I talked about how it has this legitimately romantic and tender feeling, and that’s what makes it really the only sex scene in this book that doesn’t make me uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable while writing this, but that’s only because I’m in the dumpster behind the pentagon.

This is another very simple chapter.

Jon II-

This chapter has Jon going to The Fist of the First Men with Mance. It also has an eagle with Orell’s mind in it attacking Jon. When I first read this book, it had been a few months since I read Clash, and I had completely forgotten who Orell was, so I was very confused as to why a random eagle had beef with Jon.

Anywhoo, this chapter is just as tense as all of the chapters with Jon and the Wildlings. By the way, Jon and the Wildlings would be a great name for an indie rock band.

This chapter is also great because it makes you really want to know what happened at The Fist of the First Men, as the carnage is so severe, but it’s so mysterious. Something they say about good horror is that it waits to show you the scary thing, and Song does this really well.

Tyrion VI-

A lot happens in this chapter. First, we get a look into Tyrion and Sansa’s marriage. It’s equal parts sad and funny. Tyrion always prides himself on his wit and comedy, but Sansa is someone he can’t get to, and seems to often make her sadder. This is basically his worst nightmare. Throughout the book, we see Tyrion’s continually failure to please people. He can’t comfort Sansa, he can’t earn Tywin’s love, and everyone abandons him after he gets accused of murder.

After the scene between the unhappily married couple, we then get Team Lannister learning about the Red Wedding. That entire scene is pretty fantastic, as we get Cersei, Tywin, Tyrion, and Joffrey, four characters who are all awful in opposite ways, all bouncing off each other perfectly.

Dany III-

This chapter is the scene where Dany sells Drogon to Kraznys in exchange for the Unsullied, only for Drogon to burn Kraznys and for Dany to take over Mereen.

It is extraordinarily satisfying. I’ve talked about how the slavers being so comical ruins the point of what Song is trying to say, but them sucking does mean that it is so satisfying to see them die. George is fantastic at describing extremely chaotic carnage, and the carnage here is beautifully chaotic.

Sansa IV, Sansa III, Sansa II, and Sansa I-

These chapters are all the same quality to me, just copy what I said about Sansa in this book and paste it here.

Samwell IV, V-

These two chapters see Sam making the decision to rig the election, which makes for a pretty perfect culmination of his character arc. It’s also extremely satisfying to see Sam having gained confidence. I love his realization that he’s been through so much crazy stuff, why should talking with Cotter Pyke and Denys Mallister bother him? Sam’s problem isn’t that he’s not brave, the problem is that he doesn’t believe he is, if that makes any sense.

These two chapters also have Stannis, Janos Slynt, and Dolorous Edd also being their usual selves. Stannis having a conversation with Janos Slynt is one of the most delightful parts of this entire series because they are opposites in every way.

Jon IV-

In this chapter, Jon and Ygritte scale the wall. I do like how eldritch and horrifying the descriptions of the wall is, and how it feels like the wall is rejecting the wildlings, as if it is some god. That’s what Roger Waters will do to you.

Jon IX-

Mean ol’ Janos Slynt throws good ol’ Jon into an ice cell in this chapter, and it stinks. Jon is doing such a good job accepting responsibility, stepping up to the plate, and growing as a person. But, Slynt throws him into a cell. This is a fun juxtaposition with what is going on with Tyrion. Both characters react in different ways to their fates, and it shows how these two characters have changed. In Jon’s first chapter, Tyrion appears to be this secretly wise man.

However, when the two of them are in similar situations, they…well, they react basically the same way, by insulting everyone. However, things go a bit better for Jon because he’s made actual friends, whereas Tyrion has only made allies by paying them. So, yeah, Jon is wiser than Tyrion.

We really do feel for Jon in this chapter because it is so fucking unfair what is happening to him, but that’s life. Not only that, but everyone is being pretty prejudiced towards him, with Janos Slynt constantly bringing up that he’s a bastard, and not only that, but Septon Cellador points out that he swore his night’s watch oath in front of a heart tree, instead of in a sept. Now, that is one of the stupidest things a character says. Septon Cellador is trying to say that Jon’s status as a night's watchman is invalid because he swore in front of a heart tree. However, the night’s watch was founded by firstmen. The sept wasn’t even added until thousands of years after the wall was built.

That moment is very interesting from the perspective of worldbuilding because it shows how there is animosity between those of Andal descent and the First Men.

Jon X-

Do you think Jon would like Billy Joel? I think he would. I think that Ned would be a big fan, and he would pass that on to his children.

Anyway, this is the chapter where Jon is forced to go back up beyond the wall and deal with Mance, and then Stannis shows up and wrecks the Wildlings. Jon’s story is really quick in this book, as we don’t even get an entire chapter with him being imprisoned. I like that.

There’s a lot to like about this chapter specifically. First off, Tormund is in it, and I love his attitude in this chapter where he’s like “Yeah, Jon, you’re gonna fucking die, sorry man. Oh well.” I also like Jon’s attitude. He has been through so much stuff, he just straight up doesn’t care anymore.

Then, we get Stannis Ex Machina, and it’s a fantastically satisfying moment that would be unearned if it wasn’t for the set up in the Davos chapters. I like the way Jon acts when this happens. Battle is raging all around him, but he’s just standing by Mance’s tent, like “I guess this is happening.”

Jon XI -

This chapter takes place after Stannis takes the wall. These chapters also feature Stannis being Stannis, and seeing him interact with Janos Slynt is absolutely beautiful.

Jon XII-

I feel like I mentioned the moment when Jon sees Ghost and decides to stay at the Wall a million times in my character ranking, and it happens in Jon XII.

Really, every character beat of Jon’s in this chapter is perfect.

First, we get Jon fighting Iron Emmett, and he thinks about playing swords with Robb as a kid and Robb saying that Jon will never be King of Winterfell. It’s pretty clear that Jon still carries these ideas of being lesser, and they still lead him to want to be the best at everything, and it also leads to a lot of pent up rage, as this flashback leads to Jon being Berserk on Iron Emmett and having to be pulled off him.

Then, we get Jon seeing Ghost. Jon thinks to himself that he needs to stay because Ghost belongs here, but it’s clear that he really means himself.

There is then the election which is basically Jon’s reward for having this realization.

Tyrion III-

This is a small council scene, and it’s pretty spicy. It works very well because everyone involved has all of these different agendas. Tyrion wants credit for what he’s done, and he both wants to impress and piss off his Dad, as well as to not have his autonomy stripped away by being married off. Cersei basically wants the same thing, as well as to not have her autonomy stripped away by being married off. Mace obviously is interested in the success of house Tyrell and he also hates the Dornish, and Tywin just wants to keep all of this together.

Arya IX-

This is the chapter where The Hound and Arya are chilling in the Riverlands before the Red Wedding.

The Hound is an interesting character, and both him and Arya test each other’s resolve, making them intriguing companions. I think it’s silly how George delays the Hound revealing that he’s taking Arya to the Twins. There’s no reason for the Hound to wait to explain. Sure, maybe he wants to make Arya squirm, or maybe he doesn’t realize she doesn’t realize. However, The Hound is dumb, but he’s not that dumb, and Arya keeps on pestering him and he clearly wants her to shut up.

Cat I and II-

I like the part in Cat II when Robb comes back and pardons Cat by giving a speech in front of everyone about how “love is not wise”. However, this speech secretly pardons himself for his actions with Jeyne. It is an EXTRAORDINARILY clever moment.

Anywhoo, much of these two chapters is just set up, but all of the characters involved are fantastic, so I don’t care.

Tyrion VII-

The best thing about this chapter is seeing the dysfunctionality of Tyrion’s relationship with Sansa, which is a pretty perfect way of having Tyrion fall deeper into self loathing. The worst part is the scene between Tyrion and Shae, wich is as annoying as the rest of them.

Davos II, III, IV, V, and VI-

These are all the same level of quality. Copy and paste what I said in the book review.

Davos I-

This chapter sees Davos on an island and then a ship shows up. Not a lot happens in this chapter, but Davos is such a great character, it’s fun to just read him monologuing for a bit.

Prologue-

Chett is an interesting enough character to follow around, and Dolorous Edd, Sam, and Small Paul add a lot of life to this chapter. My only complaint is how suddenly it ends. It’s a bit of a Let Down. Chett pisses his pass, and then the chapter is over.

Tyrion I-

Tywin saying that “Only mummers and monkeys require applause.” is one of the biggest examples of a pot calling a kettle black in this entire series.

Anywhoo, this chapter is defined mostly by a sense of unfairness. In the last book, Tyrion did a very brave and heroic deed, only for it to cost him his nose and his job. Not only that, but his Dad is still a jerk to him and everyone still hates him. This chapter teaches Tyrion that he can never truly make people, especially his father, love him no matter what he does. This revelation leads to him doing some dark stuff.

Also, the scene between Tyrion and Tywin at the end of this chapter features Tyrion finally lashing back at Tywin, getting really mad because he can’t have Casterly Rock, and the scene is kind of satisfying but also really sad, as Tyrion feels like a little boy begging his Daddy for love.

Epilogue-

This chapter has the opposite positives and negatives as the prologue. Much of it is spent in the head of Merrett Frey, who is a character that is extremely similar to 30 or other characters in this series. However, the ending with Lady Stoneheart is a huge “Oh, shit” moment.

Jaime VII-

This is the chapter where Jaime returns to King’s Landing.

The only reason why this chapter is lower than Jaime’s other chapters is that I feel like Jaime raping Cersei in the sept is going to far. I get the idea, as I talked about in my character review, Jaime’s mad that he’s not getting a reward for his good deed, and he’s taking it out on Cersei. Still, I think it could have been done just a bit differently, as him doing it over the corpse of his son is a little to fucked up.

However, everything else in this chapter is perfect. Jaime’s conversations with Loras and Tywin are two conversations that are complete opposites of each other and basically tell you everything you need to know about Jaime’s character.

Sansa VI-

In this chapter, Sansa chills in the seat of House Baelish. There’s an intense feeling of melancholy throughout this chapter, as Sansa realizes she is still just as alone as she ever is. Not only that, but she is still just as powerless, as Littlefinger forces her to change her name. Sansa doesn’t do much in this chapter. None of her actions have any consequences. However, that is the point. She has no agency.

Tyrion II, IV, and V-

Not a huge amount happens in these chapters. Most of Tyrion II is rather interesting exposition, Tyrion V has Tyrion meeting with Oberyn, and Tyrion IV is about Tywin getting two new swords made among other things.

They do a good job of showing the evolution of Tyrion’s relationship with Shae and Tywin. Tyrion is pretty cruel in Tyrion IV, casually ordering the death of Symon Silvertongue and regretting not killing Slynt and Pycelle.

Tyrion V is also a pretty nice introduction to Oberyn, as well as Dornish culture as a whole. Oberyn sticking out is emphasized, and this helps to make Dornish culture more interesting because it’s being contrasted with everything else.

Dany I-

In this chapter, Dany is on a boat. Nothing really much else happens other than Jorah kisses Dany, something I always forget about. It is really horrific how Dany is just used to being taken advantage of by older men, so she’s just a little bit mad at Jorah, instead of being willing to throw him overboard.

What else happens? Barristan tells Dany about Rhaegar, and the insight he gives is quite interesting. Also, we get to see Jorah and Barristan argue, which is fun.

You know, maybe I gave Jorah too much hate in the character ranking. In a lot of ways, he’s kind of a brilliantly written character. Jorah is a scumbag who sold enslaved people and is now horny for a 15 year old, but he’s so casual about it all. Jorah isn’t this over the top villain, and there’s nothing about him which screams “Evil!”. He seems like an ordinary dude, which is how most real world villains are. What makes things even worse, Jorah doesn’t always act like the worst guy ever. In fact, if it wasn’t for the slavery and pedophilia, he wouldn’t be that bad of a guy. And, that’s also how real world villains are. In real life, evil people aren’t evil in every way. Jorah is a very realistic character in that sense.

However, whatever. Who gives a shit.

Anywhoo, very little happens in this chapter, but the atmosphere is rather nice, it’s interesting to hear about Rhaegar, and the banter between Barristan and Jorah is very fun.

Dany V-

A lot of Dany’s chapters in this book feel like two chapters placed together.

The first half of this chapter is about Strong Belwas fighting a guy outside Mereen. That part is fine. The fight is simple but fun because both fighters have completely different fighting styles and skill sets, which is always exciting.

The second half of this chapter is about Dany walking through her soldier camps and Daario saving her from a guy trying to attack her. It is after that when the truth about Barristan and Jorah is revealed.

The reveals are satisfying, as we have been eagerly anticipating them for some time.

The problem with this chapter is that Dany doesn’t really do anything, things just kind of happen to her. Dany doesn’t make any decisions which affect the plot until the very end of the chapter, when she decides to send Barristan and Jorah to be part of the invasion force.

That last moment is actually pretty cool, because Dany sending someone on a suicide mission for betraying her is definitely not something she would have done in the first book.

However, this comes after a chapter of Dany just having thoughts in reaction to events out of her control. I guess that’s the point, Dany has no agency.

Dany VI-

This chapter takes place after Dany takes Mereen. We don’t see the battle to take Mereen, as Dany wasn’t part of the battle. I guess that makes sense, but it does mean that Dany’s story is rather anticlimactic.

Most of this chapter is taken up by Dany talking with Jorah and Barristan. I don't have any complaints about the conversation, but I don’t really care much about Barristan, and I really don’t care about Jorah.

Basically, this is the most medium chapter ever. It is fine.

Dany IV-

This chapter is weird. We see Dany readying to attack Yunkai by negotiating with sellswords and the wise masters of Yunkai themselves. That bit is fine. I have my usual complaints about how stupid the wise masters are, but scenes with negotiations are often interesting in this series when we are in the head of one of the negotiators. It’s really fun seeing Dany overthinking everything she is saying, and it reminds me of Dune.

Anywhoo, the negotiations don’t go well, and Dany prepares to invade Yunkai, only for Daario to then show up with the heads of some of the sellswords. It is random, and it means that the eventual victory feels kind of unearned, as Dany didn’t really do anything to make Daario do this.

Then, the battle happens, but we don’t see it, and instead Barristan tells Dany about Rhaegar. It is interesting to learn about Rhaegar, but it’s kind of disappointing that we don’t get to see any of the battle. I guess that also reminds me of Dune, but in a bad way.

Dany II-

Bad government systems are bad because they are bad systems, not because they have bad people in them. Critiquing a government by showing the people in it as bad and then not doing much more is poopoo. Critiquing a government by showing that the people in it are gross and ugly is even more poopoo. Song is best when it truly examines how there is no way for the system to work, that even when there are good people, they either end up getting corrupted (like Robert), thrown out of the system (like Ned), or just serve the evil within the system (like Kevan).

Anywhoo, the first half of this chapter has Dany negotiating with Kraznys, one of the wise masters of Astapor. The negotiating scene is kind of fun because Dany is pretending not to know Valryian, allowing her to spy on Kraznys as she negotiates with him. That’s fun. The problem with the negotiating scene is that I hate Kraznys. I already ranted about him in the character ranking.

The second half of this chapter sees Dany being miserable, and it's much better because Dany is a great character. She feels a lot like a teenager in this chapter, complaining about the heat of Astapor and everything. Of course, it is during Dany’s bout of misery that she boinks Irri. The way the scene is written is gross and very male-gazey.

However, a part of me does see why George included it. The idea is that Dany is extremely lost and extremely overwhelmed. Everything she’s doing, she’s kind of doing on autopilot. At the end of Game, it seems that Dany has been freed from control, and she can now do what she wants with her life. However, that’s not true, as she still has her destiny set out for her. She has to be a ruler because that is what’s expected of her.

It’s no wonder Dany is miserable all through the process of becoming a ruler and ruling.

Dany wants to be a teenager and to have fun and enjoy life, but she is forced to be responsible and deal with geopolitics and shit. Oh, and also, Jeor Mormont is a perv.

Dany boinking Irri is her letting out all of that anger and stress into doing something entirely self-serving, something done purely out of lust. Basically, Dany is like a high schooler who’s parents are forcing her to do a bunch of extracurricular activities and take a bunch of AP classes and she lets out her frustration by going to a party, getting black out drunk, and stealing a pack of gum from a seven eleven.

Also, Dany is a character who struggles to have control, and so she is taking a sadistic pleasure in having control and power over another person.

However, the problem with the scene is that this moment is kind of ruined by how horny the descriptions are.

A bunch of other stuff involving sellswords and politics happens, but it’s just your usual Essos stuff.

Overall, this chapter is very slow, a lot of complex politics is discussed, and it has Kraznys, and that is why I don’t like it.

A FEAST FOR CROWS CHAPTER RANKING:

Brienne VII-

This is the chapter where Brienne faces Rorge and Biter, and Biter chows down on some Face De La Brienne. Pretty much the entire Brienne storyline is building up to this chapter, and it delivers.

This chapter is perfect. I talked about Willow and Jeyne Heddle in my character ranking and how they show the tragedy of children forced to grow up quickly and the everyday kindness of the smallfolk.

I also talked about how this chapter shows how far Brienne’s arc has come. She says “Sapphires” when killing Rorge, a reference to her former capture by him and the rest of the bloody mummers. The Brienne in ACOK and ASOS would definitely not make quips like that.

It is great how so much of what Brienne encounters ties back to her previous experiences, most obviously with the Bloody Mummers, Hyle, and Stoneheart. However, there’s also….uh…shit…there’s the fact that she had a weird relationship with a Septa and now she meets a Septon, is that, is that anything? I mean, obviously, Brienne searching for Sansa is as fruitles as her trying to be respected through traditional femininity, and her search for Arya is like Brienne’s current fruitless search for respect through masculinity. IDK. Just take my word on this one.

Anyways, this chapter has a fight. The itself is absolutely incredible writing, with every sentence hitting how it should, and not a word being wasted. The descriptions of Rorge eating Brienne’s face are on another level of disturbing, despite how simple they are.

Brienne IV-

This is the chapter where Brienne fights three of the Bloody Mummers. The suspense before the fight itself is masterfully crafted, with the whispering cliffs enough to bring anyone to the edge of their seat. The way the suspense builds is also fantastic as Brienne’s paranoia slowly grows, culminating in the sight of the recently put out campfire.

The fight itself is very brutal and very satisfying.

Brienne VIII-

This is Brienne’s final chapter in Feast, showing her encountering Lady Stoneheart.

It’s so crazy that Brienne’s entire arc in this book is about her trying to fulfill her oath to Catelyn, and then Catelyn’s zombie wants to execute Brienne for not fulfilling her oath. It’s so unfair in a way that feels so real.

It makes sense that Lady Stoneheart would think that Brienne has betrayed her oath, as she does have a Lannister sword and a paper signed by Tommen.

A key element of this story is that Brienne has difficulty trusting others, and then we get someone not trusting her. Stoneheart is a lot like Brienne, in that Stoneheart has also been betrayed, and that has left her paranoid. The dying and coming back wrong probably didn’t help either.

It’s also cool that Brienne screams out a single word in order to save herself and Pod, similar to Jaime screaming out the word “Sapphires” in order to save Brienne.

This chapter also calls back to Septon Meribald’s speech about outlaws, as Thoros of Myr reflects Meribald’s sentiments when saying “war makes monsters of us all”.

Oh, and also, The Brotherhood Without Banners are outlaws, and they have gone through an arc similar to the one Meribald described in his speech, slowly getting removed from their morals.

Brienne V-

This chapter sees Brienne setting off to find The Hound, with Pod, Hyle, and Meribald in tow.

Septon Meribald’s speech in this chapter is one of the greatest speeches in all of literature, and I am not exaggerating in the slightest. It makes the Inquisitor’s speech in the Brother’s Karamazov seem like a drunk text.

In the speech, Meribald talks about outlaws, specifically how they come to be. He explains that many start out as soldiers in wars.

“They’ve heard the songs and stories, so they go off with eager hearts, dreaming of the wonders they will see, of the wealth and glory they will win…and then they get their first taste of battle.” (Brienne V, AFFC)

Meribald describes a character arc the outlaws go through, and this character arc is similar to the one many of our protagonists go through. Even Brienne sets out with ideas of chivalry and fantasy, only to be quickly proven wrong.

Outside of the speech, the chapter has a lovely atmosphere to it, reminiscent of waking up after a dream, and then walking around, still half asleep.

Brienne VI-

I might be crazy, but I think there is a hobbit reference in this chapter. The Hermit’s Hole is described similarly to the hobbit hole in the Hobbit.

“Perhaps two thousand years ago the Hermit’s Hole had been a damp, dark place, floored with dirt and echoing to the sounds of dripping water, but no longer. The cave that Brienne and her companions entered had been turned into a warm, snug sanctum.” (Brienne VI, AFFC)

“In a hole in the ground there lived a Hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell…it was a Hobbit Hole, and that means comfort.” (Tolkein, 1)

It makes sense, as this Hermit’s Hole is located on The Quiet Isle, a place similar to the Shire, as it is a peaceful and isolated community full of simple, yet kind, folk.

Anywhoo, this chapter is the one where Brienne and co. go to the Quiet Isle, and it is there, in this safe place, that Brienne lets all her emotions out to a septon.

The whole chapter has a feeling of quiet to it. Sure, Brienne spills her story to a septon, but even that feels calm and intimate. It’s reminiscent of a catholic confession.

Just like the chapter before it, this chapter has a fantastic atmosphere of cold and contemplation.

Cersei IV-

This is the Small Council scene with Cersei, and it is absolute chaos. Pretty much everyone in this scene is dumb, scheming, or both, and it’s an absolute delight to experience. George is very good at masking idiocy by making idiots very casual. Some of the stuff Orten Merryweather says here is downright nonsensical, and yet, he says it so calmly you almost don’t notice. This makes sense, as that is how many politicians are.

Cersei IV is funny, chaotic, and believable. It feels like it’s satirizing something that does not exist, and I think that’s wonderful.

Cat of the Canals-

Have I talked about how cool Braavos is? It’s New York mixed with Venice and it feels so alive with its fog and cats and mummers and sailors and death cult and bank. I also love big trading port cities in world building. They’res always stuff going on in these kinds of cities with fishers and traders and sailors and crime and all of that jazz. The whole death cult is the cherry on top. I think New York should add a death cult to boost tourism.

Anywhoo, this is Arya’s final chapter in Feast, and she spends much of it chilling before killing Daeron. Despite the actual plot of this chapter being regulated to the end, the atmosphere of Braavos is so exquisite, I don’t even care.

Arya interacts with 8 or so minor characters, and they all have these distinct personalities which work together to paint this full portrait of what Braavos is like. I guess one of the reasons Braavos is so cool is that it’s not one note. Braavos’ identity does not consist of one trait. This makes sense, because that’s how places work in the real world.

Braavos definitely feels real, as does everyone in it, even if they are silly.

Overall, this chapter captures the vibes of a big city perfectly.

One brief note, I also like how we know Arya is still there because she chose the name of her dead mom as part of her totally normal coping strategy. This isn’t the only time Arya took on the name of someone she lost, as we got the same with Weasel and Nan AKA Nymeria.

Another brief note, “cockles” is the funniest word in the English language. I wish I sold cockles and clams for a living.

Cersei II-

I talked about this chapter in my character ranking, as it is the chapter with Tywin’s funeral. We get lots of great insights into Cersei’s character, like her obsession with appearances and gender roles. The whole scene is darkly comedic, as this solemn occasion is reduced to an act of theater, with Cersei being the uptight director hurling complaints at all the actors. Cersei isn’t the only player in our comedy of errors, we also get Mace Tyrell and Gyles Rosby and Pycelle being their usual selves, and they all bounce off of Cersei perfectly in the sense that they all piss Cersei off.

Cersei III-

In this chapter, Cersei attends Tommen and Margaery’s wedding. My favorite moment of the chapter is during the wedding feast. Cersei sees Tommen choke on some wine, has a trauma flashback, and has to excuse herself from the room.

We get the line “A woman may cry, but a queen can not.” (Cersei III, AFFC)

That scene would be absolutely heartbreaking if it wasn’t Cersei. She’s going through trauma, but she has no one to help her through it, and so she’s just shoving all her feelings inside. Not only that, but she has these responsibilities and she’s using these responsibilities as a reason to run away from her emotions anymore.

It’s a lot like the arcs of Robb, Catelyn, Jon, Dany, and many more.

However, these characters are likable. We want them to succeed. We do not want Cersei to succeed, or at least, I don’t want to.

However, Septon Meribald’s speech about outlaws can kind of be applied to Cersei in some ways. Septon Meribald says that we should be afraid of outlaws and recognize the evil they can do, but also pity them, because they are people.

Other stuff happens in this chapter, but the marriage scene is the one that always stuck with me the most. My second favorite moment is at the end. Cersei burns the tower of the end, and as many of the others leave, Cersei dismisses all the members of the Kingsguard except for Osmund Kettleblack, who links arms with her as she watches the flames. We know that Jaime is there, and obviously he is going to notice what is going on with Cersei and Osmund. It’s such a juicy bit of drama.

Cersei VI-

This chapter, the one where Cersei meets with the High Sparrow for the first time, sticks out from the rest of Cersei’s chapters as it has Cersei being both kind of capable and really dumb.

It is in this chapter where she rearms the faith militant, an extremely dumb decision.

However, before that, she manages to disarm the crowd of Sparrows outside Baelor’s Sept. It’s almost kind of impressive how she managed to talk down this large crowd of angry peasants. It shows that Cersei does have half of what makes a good schemer: people skills. Cersei knows how to talk to people. She does a good job of manipulating Sansa in the first book, she gets out of her prison situation by playing a part to the high sparrow in Dance, and even in this book she does a good job at manipulating the Kettleblacks. However, the other trait necessary for being a good schemer is intelligence.

Maybe this is because Cersei has lots of experience in trying to please people, but she has no experience in having to survive using her brains. After all, Tyrion’s scheming skills are a result of him having to constantly be smart in order to get any kind of respect or power, and the same can apply to Littlefinger and Varys. Of course, there are exceptions, but whatever.

Cersei V, Cersei VII, Cersei VIII, Cersei IX, Cersei X-

These chapters are basically all the same. They all provide a lot of comedy, a lot of insight into Cersei’s character, and some sprinkles of mystery and intrigue to top it all off.

Jaime VI-

This is the chapter where Jaime resolves the siege at Riverrun.

You know, Jaime’s chapters shouldn’t work. We get all of this set up, and then he solves the siege at Riverrun in one chapter. However, there are many reasons it works. First off, we only spend three chapters with Jaime heading off to Rivverun. Secondly, as I’ve shown, Jaime’s journey to Riverrun is filled with so many fantastic side characters and funny moments I wouldn’t mind if it lasted forever. Thirdly, the way Jaime resolves the siege is pretty great. In my character ranking, I talked about how it’s nice that Jaime has to use his wits to resolve the siege, as he can’t rely on his strength anymore. This forces Jaime to be mature and thoughtful, and this makes him grow as a person. Jaime’s arc in ASOS also had him have to use his wits to save Brienne from the bear pit, and what Jaime does at the siege is him having to also apply caution and good communication skills as well as his intelligence.

All throughout Feast, Jaime has to communicate with all sorts of eccentric people, so in a way, his journey is just training for what he does at Riverrun. In that way, Jaime’s journey to Riverrun isn’t just fun, it’s essential for his character arc.

The truth of the matter is, we, the audience, don’t really care much about the siege because we know the Blackfish’ cause is doomed anyway. However, we do care about Jaime becoming a better person, and Jaime’s story does a fantastic job in showing that.

The ending of this chapter is also fantastic on a re-read, as it has Edmure freaking out because he sees Tom of Sevenstreams. It’s such a great call back to a joke from ASOS.

Jaime IV-

This chapter is gold.

First, we get the second of Jaime’s two hilarious dinners. This one is with the Derrys. What’s notable about this scene is that we see Merrett Frey’s wife, Mariya Derry, and child, Amerei Frey. This is a cool moment because Merrett Frey is the Frey from the epilogue in ASOS. However, it is also a cool moment because Merrett’s family are kind of weird.

Mariya Derry corrects the grammar of Amerei as Amerei mourns her father, and that is one of the funniest bits in all of Song.

Another funny moment is when Amerei Frey is trying to seduce Jaime so she rubs his golden hand all seductively despite him having no feeling in it. It’s just silliness. Amerei Frey is so cleary extremely horny in this chapter, and it shouldn’t work as a joke, but it does because it plays off of the nature of every other character in this chapter so well.

Obviously, Jaime having to come up with nice things to say about Merrett to tell his family is also a funny moment eich forces Jaime to once again use social skills. The whole conversation is just filled with delightful interactions.

Of course, the dinner conversation, while entertaining, is not why this chapter is great. The reason why this chapter is great is because of Jaime’s conversation with Lancel.

The amount of layers in this conversation is genius. Lancel sobs about how wicked he is for boinking Cersei, and this clearly angers Jaime, but Jaime can’t say how much this angers him and why. Lancel’s crimes of boinking Cersei and killing a king are also Jaime’s crimes, and as I said in my character ranking, not only does Lancel parallel Jaime in a billion different ways, the characters in this story are aware of this. Lancel is basically a reflection of Jaime’s inner guilt.

Also, of course, the conversation shows Jaime that Cersei has been fucking Lancel, so it’s conceivable that she has also been fucking Osmynd Kettleblack and fucking Moonboy for all I know.

Also also, Lancel says he wanted to be like Jaime, when Lancel didn’t want to be the real Jaime, he wanted to be the fictitious idea of Jaime that Jaime pretended to be. Jaime knows this, but he can’t just trauma dump on Lancel.

Also, Jaime is absolutely hilarious in this chapter. The jabs he gets in it when talking to Lancel are all fantastic.

The Drowned Man-

There is definitely a tragedy to Aeron’s story, as he is someone who actively refuses to connect with his trauma, instead choosing to run away from it. This costs him dearly, as his trauma eventually ends up kidnapping him and holding him prisoner in a ship.

Anywhoo, this chapter has the King’s Moot in it, and what a scene it is! We get the Farwynd dude who wants to take everyone to a place far beyond the Sunset Sea, and that’s a pretty intriguing piece of worldbuilding that also makes for a kind of funny moment. It’s funny because no one in the story believes in Gilbert Farwynd’s promises of this distant island, but to us, the audience, it doesn’t seem extremely implausible.

We then get Erik Ironmaker and that part is less funny as the joke is just “Hey! This guy is pathetic because he’s old and unhealthy!” and Song overuses that kind of humor.

Of course, it’s after that when things get serious. Victarion and Ashs both give their sales pitches on why they should rule the Iron Islands, and I like how each of their speeches show who they are. Victarion takes a very traditional approach. Not only does he promise the status quo, he promises it in a way similar to Erik and Gilbert, offering everyone chests full of gold and other juicy items. Victarion is very blunt with his language, and he never puts any of the other contestants down, as that would come off as rude.

Asha, on the other hand, takes a rather avant garde approach. She makes a joke of the entire Kingsmoot, showing chests full of pinecones. She comes off as very young and headstrong. Victarion is classical music, but Asha is punk rock. Victarion is a moderate, while Asha is a radical progressive.

Once Victarion and Asha give their presentations, it is Euron’s turn. Ooh-wee. Euron’s sales pitch also shows his personality. He is theatrical in a very Disney villain way, but you can also tell that he is a pretty skilled manipulator, specifically feeding on the pride of the Iron Islanders. What Euron plans, stealing Dany’s dragons and using them to conquer Westeros, is absolutely idiotic. It’s about as dumb as some of Cersei’s plans. However, I can believe that the Iron Islanders fell for that. Mostly because millions of Americans voted for a man who said he planned to literally build a wall to keep immigrants out.

Another interesting event is the blowing of the Dragonbinder horn.

Now, I don’t know exactly how George managed to make the blowing of a horn sound so existentially horrifying and intense, but he did.

Euron is very similar to Trump in that they both are gifted showmen who are skilled in giving off the appearance of strength. The dragonbinder horn is just a piece of theater, a mummer’s farce, if you will. However, it’s an effective farce. Not once in this series are we shown that Euron is in any way a gifted fighter, leader, or strategist. He’s just a good showman, and that’s scary. Euron is the kind of person who is good at getting power but has no idea what to do with it.

Essentially, this chapter is a perfect description of how evil achieves political power.

Brienne I-

Ser Creighton Longbough is in this chapter, and that is more than enough to make it great in my book. In case you forgot, Ser Creighton Longbough is the old hedge knight who claims to have fought in the Battle of the Blackwater. Illifer the Penniless is also there.

I sang these two characters praises in the character ranking, and how they show Brienne how even chivalrous and noble knights are still going to be sexist. It’s also interesting to see these guys be assholes to Brienne while Brienne holds her cool. Brienne doesn’t even have to hold her tongue, or does she think badly about these two men. To her, being dehumanized is completely normal. It’s really sad.

Also, this is one of the best set up chapters because it’s barely setting up the plot, but instead the internal struggle of Brienne’s story. There’s no character exposition dumps in this chapter. The needed plot information is simple: Brienne is looking for Sansa, she’s having a hard time, and she also has Oathkeeper and a note with the king’s seal. Much of the set up is showing Brienne finds it hard to trust others, the frustration of this fruitless quest, and how Brienne deals with sexism. It also shows the atmosphere of this war torn landscape.

By the way, something I didn’t mention in the character chapters is that Brienne is very polite to everyone except people she doesn’t like. She’s rude to Jaime in the beginning of Song, the Bloody Mummers, and that’s about it. Brienne is someone who isn’t great at social interactions, and she’s also very shy, but she knows how to be polite. Despite being very un-lady like, Brienne does understand that a woman’s shield is her courtesy. She also uses an actual shield as well, which is for the best.

Jaime V-

This is another Jaime chapter where little actually happens, but everyone Jaime meets and talks with are just really great characters. Jaime talks with Devan Lannister, who is a very funny guy, and then he talks with Genna, who is amazing.

Arya II-

I like the Kindly Man’s Shakespeare reference in this chapter when he tells Arya the thousand faced god (death) will steal her “eyes, nose and mouth”. This is similar to the final line of the “All the world’s a stage, and all the men merely players” soliloquy, “Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.” Undertale.

Anywhoo, this chapter has Arya becoming acquainted with the House of Black and White, and so we are becoming acquainted as well. I like the House of Black and White. It’s not like anything else in this series,

I feel like half of Arya’s story in this book is just worldbuilding, and to be honest, I don’t mind.

The Reaver-

This is Victarion’s second chapter in the book. The first half of the chapter is this super intense battle. It’s gloriously bloody, and despite feeling extremely frenzied and chaotic, it’s never confusing. There’s an insane machismo to this first half of the chapter- like something straight out of a Zach Snyder film. It’s over the top enough to be fun, but grounded enough to be taken seriously. Feast is a book which is very heavy on talking and thinking, so the intense battle is a welcome relief.

The second half of this chapter is the Ironborn having a victory feast where Victarion’s all gloomy. This part is also nice mostly because Euron is a very entertaining character.

This ending factors into my theory that Euron is a wee bit of an idiot. Victarion can not be trusted, both because he hates Euron and because he’s not smart. Also, all of Euron’s plans (supposedly) depend on Dany joining him. If not, he’s fucking screwed.

Of course, Euron probably also has plans to unleash a kraken and use some dark magic, but that can only take you so far? I feel like Euron can be an idiot in some ways while being smart in other ways, like with characters such as Littlefinger and Ramsay. This makes them scary, because they get power and then misuse it very badly.

Brienne II-

This chapter sees Brienne in Maidenpool.

There’s lots of interesting bits in this chapter.

It’s funny how everyone blames the Defiance of Duskendale on the wife of the guy who orchestrated it, instead of the orchestrator himself. It’s almost like sexism is a big theme in this book

Here’s another cool moment. Outside the painter’s shop, there’s a painting of a castle. When Brienne asks the lady what castle it is supposed to be, the lady says she’s never seen a castle, and it’s just the ideal of a castle.

You could say this is symbolic of Brienne trying to be this ideal of a knight that does not exist.

This chapter also has one of two incidents where a common born character boasts about how they have highborn blood.

Brienne III-

This is Brienne’s lowest chapter, as it is at this point when I kind of want George to just get on with it. However, it is not bad.

Hyle Hunt and Dick Crabb are both featured in this chapter, and both play off of Brienne perfectly. Not only that, but we learn about the prank Hyle Hunt and his buds pulled on Brienne. It’s a very interesting piece of backstory which shows how Brienne has become more cynical. What’s great is that immediately after this, we see Brienne being untrustworthy of Dick Crabb.

The prank Hyle and his pals pulled on Brienne affects Brienne similarly to how Tysha affected Tyrion.

This chapter also features Randall Tarly’s cruel version of justice and his endless supply of misogyny. It’s clear that both influence each other, as Randall confuses cruelly for strength and strength for masculinity. As I said before, forgiveness and mercy is associated with The Mother, a feminine figure, meaning that it is seen as motherly. So, Randall’s harsh and unforgiving ways are just him trying to be manly.

All of this makes a great point about how patriarchy leads to these cruel institutions. This connects to Euron, a very evil man who uses the patriarchal ideas of Iron Islands society to get elected as king.

However, it’s also clear that these ideas of strength and masculinity are a result of the society everyone lives in. Septon Maribald kind of talks about this in his speech about parasites, how the feudal society of Westeros forces men into lives of war and women into lives of servitude.

It means that the entire system is self preserving, the cruel society leads to people being cruel. We can then connect this to Hyle’s prank on Brienne, and how it made Brienne less trusting, as well as how Tysha made Tyrion less willing to connect with others. People find it harder to be kind because of the trauma they’ve endured.

Once again, Song is connecting the sociological to the psychological.

Cersei I-

This is a set-up chapter, and as a such, we get a lot of information thrown at us. That by no means ruins the chapter, as it’s still filled with fantastic moments. Cersei’s dream about the Iron Throne cutting her up at the beginning is a great way to get us into her head. It also shows that Cersei’s subconscious is trying to tell her something very important, as her lust for power is her undoing. Secondly, the part where Cersei tells Osfryd and Osney to dispose of Shae’s corpse is very funny as Osfryd and Osney are being stupid and Cersei is getting extremely angry. Lastly, Cersei and Jaime getting into a very public fight right next to Tywin’s corpse is a moment of fantastic soap-opera-esque drama.

This whole chapter is filled with equal parts comedy and drama, all mixed together.

Jaime III-

In this chapter, Jaime slaps Ronnet Connington for bad-mouthing Brienne. We also get Jaime leaving King’s Landing. His first stop is at Castle Hayford where we get the first of two very funny dinner scenes. The funniest part of this dinner scene is when the Hayfords show off Ermisande Hayford (Tyrek’s wife) like she is a prized goat.

We also get a kind of funny but kind of sad bit with Jaime struggling to use his golden hand. That big is perfect in capturing this visceral sense of embarrassment. It’s clear that everyone is noticing what is going on with Jaime, but they won’t say anything. However, Jaime knows this, and this just makes his embarrassment grow. It feels so real and that is what makes it work so perfectly. While very few of us have lost hands, I’m sure we can all relate to Jaime’s feelings of embarrassment.

After Jaime visits Castle Hayford, the silliness does not end there. Jaime goes to a castle known as Sow’s Horn. There, he meets Roger Hog, a random knight, and he tells a weird story about Amory Lorch trying to burn him alive but failing, growing bored, and then leaving. The mix of surreality and dark humor is reminiscent of British comedy.

After that, Jaime goes to Harrenhall, where he talks with Shitmouth. That’s fun, because Shitmouth is fun.

Now, all of this is meant to move Jaime’s character arc forward. Jaime’s conversation with Roger Hog shows him how the devastation of the WOT5K continues to linger and also all the bad stuff Team Lannister has done.

Jaime’s stay at Castle Hayford has Jaime being forced to adapt to a new emotion: embarrassment. Jaime is usually the coolest guy ever, but now he’s in a situation where he spills drinks. We know that Jaime is someone who’s really obsessed with what others think about him, as all Tywin’s children are, and Jaime having to deal with Hayford's silent judgment makes his character move forward.

The thing with Ermisande Hayford is just funny.

Jaime I and Jaime II-

The purpose of these two chapters is to show how much Jaime has changed, and they show that remarkably well. We see Jaime comfort Tommen at Tywin’s funeral and actually act like a father to him. Jaime also gives some legitimately good advice to Cersei and councils Loras.

Like with all Jaime chapters in this book, the side characters are excellent and everyone of them play off Jaime perfectly.

Sansa, Alayne I, Alayne II-

You know what’s weird about Feast? A little more than half of it is Brienne, Cersei, and Jaime.

There are 44 chapters, not counting the prologue or appendix. Cersei has ten chapters, Brienne has eight, and Brienne has seven. That means that 25 of the 44 chapters are these three characters. The 19 other chapters are divided between 8 different POVs. It’s weird.

Anywhoo, Sansa’s chapters in this book are consistently the same quality. Just take what I said about them in the book ranking and apply it here.

Arya I-

This is our introduction to Braavos, and it does a fantastic job at showing how awesome it is. We get a mini tour where we see the Titan and the various temples, and they’re all really awesome.

I also really like the characters of the people on the boat, like Deniyo, the son of the boat’s captain. He’s just a little guy who’s nice and kind of silly, and I love how many nice and silly guys there are in this world. One thing Song is pretty consistent with is having absolutely delightful minor characters. It makes the world feel not only alive, but also inviting, despite how dark the world is.

Samwell III-

This chapter is about Sam being trapped in Braavos.

Sam bumping into Arya is a really cool moment. However, I have always been annoyed at how the scene is dragged out. Sam and Arya’s conversation goes on too long both in the sense that it messes with the pacing of the chapters and that it feels unnatural.

However, Sam punching Dareon is a perfect moment. I like how it directly leads to Sam being able to leave Braavos, with him being awarded for his bravery.

To me, the best thing about this chapter is watching the way Sam struggles to keep everything together. He basically has to step up and actually do the work of getting them a ship, as Maester Aemon is dying, Dareon is a dick, Gilly has lived in one house her entire life, and The Babe doesn’t speak Braavosi. This is a lot to do, especially considering that Sam is 16, and he’s also a scaredy cat with no social skills. Song is very good at stories about people having responsibility forced onto them, and this chapter does a good job at capturing how stressful it is.

That stress is what makes Sam punching Dareon so satisfying.

Jaime VII-

This is Jaime’s last chapter in the book, and he spends it chilling and wrapping up loose ends. It’s fine. Jaime trying his best to not freak out at Sybelle Spicer is fun, and it shows how Jaime is continuing to get better with his social skills.

Jaime losing his hand means he can no longer rely on his strength, and instead on wit. While he originally just used this in extreme situations, it has translated into him having better communication skills in general.

A key theme of this series is what happens to privileged people when they lose their privilege, and usually, they become better people.

The Prophet-

This is Aeron’s first chapter, and it sees him traveling around the Iron Islands, angsting about religion and Euron. Little actually happens in this chapter, but this glimpse into the Iron Islands makes it more than worth it. The intense baptism ceremony is a piece of world building that is both creative and believable, as so is every other piece of worldbuilding.

I don’t know why I have so little to say about all of these chapters.

Samwell V-

This is Sam’s final chapter. Marwin and Sarellas are fun and Oldtown is a nice location. Other than that, this is not a really noteworthy chapter. Sam’s character arc in this book is about him finding his confidence so he can punch Dareon and shag Gilly, and now that it’s done, there’s nothing much else for him to do but walk around and deal with bureaucracy.

I will say Song does a good job at making the citadel feel like a real institution, despite not telling us all that much about it.

Prologue-

It alright. Pate is a decent character, even if he’s very similar to many other characters in this series.

Plus, Oldtown is an interesting setting, and this chapter does an alright job at showing us the vibes of the place. The interactions of Sarellas and the other young maesters make Oldtown feel like a college. Sarellas telling that other guy to hit the apple with the arrow definitely seemed like something that would happen at college. I also like how it seemed that Pate’s friends actually did care about him, even if they didn’t really know what to do with him. Pate’s friend group definitely feels like a real college friend group, with Pate being that doesn’t talk and instead just hovers on the fringes. You’ve definitely known or been a Pate.

Also, Pate’s story is definitely very tragic. He was someone who played by the rules, but had a long series of shitty luck, and then the one time he tried to break the rules, he got punished. Not only that, but like, I feel like Pate barely did anything wrong. Yeah, you shouldn’t steal, but as prologue characters go, Pate’s crimes were rather light.

This prologue also helps set up the theme of failure which continues throughout the book.

However, the magical aspect of this chapter is kind of underwhelming. The final moments see Pate mysteriously being filled with pain and dying. The mystery is supposed to be scary and intriguing, but it mostly just comes off as confusing to me. It’s unclear at the moment if what we even saw was magic.

Samwell IV-

Sam has returned to a boat in this chapter, and is now speeding towards Oldtown. Oh, and Aemon is dead.

This is a very non linear chapter, constantly messing around with time, with no real sense of the present. This is because that’s what happens when you’re grieving.

The effect is nice, even though it means the chapter is quite confusing, and this confusion kind of makes it harder for me to empathize with Sam’s grief.

Song is very good at getting the feel of specific emotions down, whether they be feelings of monotony as you seem to be making no progress towards a distant goal, feelings of anger and sadness at being unable to comfort someone you care about, or feelings of joy at seeing a dog. However, sometimes these feelings can interfere with the telling of the narrative, like with this chapter.

This chapter also has one of the worst sex scenes in the series.

However, Aemon’s death is obviously very sad because of course it is. I also like the characters of the captain and his daughter, as they seem really nice. I love all the eccentric yet helpful strangers our main characters meet.

The Kraken’s Daughter-

This is a set up chapter. The chapter does a good job at introducing us to Asha’s internal monologue, her relationship with Tristifer, and her plans to become queen of the Iron Islands.

Samwell I-

I have nothing to say about this chapter. I have no issues with it, and also nothing really good to say about it. Stannis is in it, and that’s fun.

The Iron Captain-

Was it necessary for Victarion to think that Asha was hitting on him and then get a boner as a result? Before that, I liked Victarion and Asha’s relationship, as it seemed kind of cute and gave their division a tragic tinge. However, the thing with Victarion’s boner just made it weird. I could have phrased that better.

Anywhoo, this chapter sees everyone showing up to get ready for the King’smoot. It is here where we are introduced to Euron. That’s cool.

What’s interesting for this chapter is that Asha gives Victarion some pretty good terms, saying she’ll allow him to become king if she can be his hand. That is a fantastic deal, but Victarion is too prideful and misogynistic to take it.

Victarion is similar to Stannis in that both of them go on about how “They don’t really want to be king, but it’s their duty”. However, they both obviously want to be king, they’re just good at convincing themselves otherwise.

There’s not much else to this chapter, it does a fine job of setting up Victarion and Euron.

Sam II-

This chapter has Sam on the boat to Braavos with Gilly, Aemon, and Dareon. It has very little plot. The crux of the chapter is Sam struggling to console Gilly. A recurring plot point is people wanting to help someone close to them, but not knowing how, and Sam’s dynamic with Gilly is an example of that.

Sam’s angst does get a bit tiresome in this chapter, as it feels like it’s toeing the line between “realistic portrayal of what anxiety and self hatred is like” and “putting it on a bit too much”. It can get a bit repetitive. We get that Sam hates himself, George, you don’t have to remind us every paragraph. Obviously, every Sam chapter has him filled with self-hatred, but this chapter has the most despair.

We also really did not need the wind causing Sam to barf on himself.

It seems that characters in this series are often rather miserable when on boats.

I don’t mind all the angst all that much, it’s still alright, just a complaint I have.

The Captain of the Guards-

This is the Areo chapter in Feast.

This one is higher than all of the other Dorne plot chapters for three simple reasons, and their names are Obara, Tyene, and Nymeria. These three Sand Snakes are fun to watch, and their immature and plucky attitudes play off Doran and Areo’s stoic natures very well. It’s also neat how each of them try to convince Doran in a different way, making them feel like three different obstacles for Doran to overcome. It gives the chapter the structure of a fairy tale, and that’s kind of cute.

Unfortunately, other than the Sand Snakes, all my complaints I’ve previously leveled against Areo and the Dorne Plot can be placed here.

We see the story through Areo’s eyes, and Areo doesn’t really care about the conflict, so we don’t really care either. Areo is also a character who doesn’t make any decisions that affect the conflict or have to make choices or anything of that sort.

This means that the whole chapter has a distance to it. This chapter isn’t about Areo. Sure, you can say the same for many of Davos and Catelyn’s chapters, but they, you know, affect the plot and have close personal connections to the main subject of the story (Stannis and Robb). However, Areo doesn’t really care about anything, and everything he does is a result of Doran’s orders. You can replace him with a gun Doran has, and it would have the same affect

One more note, I’ve always found it kind of funny how up-in-arms the Dornish commonfolk are about Oberyn’s death. I guess Oberyn was really popular. Or maybe they just really want an excuse to go to war with the other kingdoms. It’s probably the second one.

This isn’t a criticism, I just think it’s funny.

Imagine if Tom Hanks went to North Korea and got shot, and as a result there were a bunch of people who wanted war protesting outside the White House. That would be bizarre.

The Princess in the Tower-

This is the final chapter in the Dourne Plot, and it features Arianne and Doran arguing before Doran reveals his secret plans.

As hard as I’ve gone on the characters of Arianne and Doran, I do admit that their conflict is kind of interesting. Arianne is frustrated that Doran still treats her like a girl, and so she acts out irrationally in a way to impress him/get his attention/get revenge in some sort of way. Arianne’s fear of being married off also stems from this insecurity that Doran doesn’t really love her, an insecurity similar to one Cersei had. Meanwhile, Doran is afraid of Arianne growing up because he’s afraid of losing her, just as he lost so many other people in his life. Maybe he’s also afraid that Arianne doesn’t love him, and this causes him to be distant so he doesn’t get as hurt. All of this stems from Arianne’s desire for recognition and from Doran’s fears of abandonment.

Now, everything that I’m saying makes this sound absolutely riveting. It’s not.

The problem is that it does not feel like Doran is Arianne’s emotionally distant father, nor does it feel like a years long tension between the two is exploding. It feels more like Doran is Arianne’s math teacher, and he won’t let her retake a test. Not only is Doran so insanely chill in this scene, Arianne barely seems to have an emotional attachment to her father. It would have helped if the book had previously shown us any sort of father-daughter connection between the two. I get that Doran is supposed to be distant, but there’s being emotionally distant, and there’s whatever Doran is doing. I just don’t buy their relationship, and I think that, once again, stems from the fact that we don’t have enough time. It’s hard to build a genuine and interesting father-daughter relationship with two different conversations.

The Queenmaker-

I think the main problem with this chapter is that it wants to be tense, but it’s just not. There’s no real danger here for Arianne, and we don’t care about anyone else here. We haven’t even been shown or told what the consequences of failure are. There’s no one who serves as an example of what could happen to our characters. As a result, the sense of danger within this chapter is nonexistent. It also means that the moment where Areo shows up isn’t scary.

Also, there’s no buildup to the eventual reveal with Areo, it just comes out of nowhere, and the ensuing fight is pretty short.

This chapter doesn’t make me feel anything, and I think that’s because the book doesn’t take the time to show how important this is and what it means to our characters. You can compare this to the many, many other instances of characters engaging in secretive and dangerous plots, like Theon’s capture of Winterfell, Theon rescuing Jeyne Poole from Winterfell, Davos sneaking Edric out of Storm’s End, Sansa leaving King’s Landing, Quentyn attempting to steal the dragons, and many more. With all of these examples, we understand the dangers involved, we understand why the characters deeply want to succeed, and we when the plot is over, we understand what went right or wrong during the process.

The Soiled Knight-

The very beginning of this chapter is alright. Arys wanders the streets alone at night and he’s paranoid. As I said in the character ranking, Arys' paranoia is never really elaborated upon, and it kind of feels like there was no real point. I see that George was discussing the way conflicts between cultures can have lasting conflicts, but it feels like this idea doesn’t go anywhere. Arys is paranoid because of the Oakheart’s history with the Dornish, and then…nothing

After the beginning, we get the sex scene between Arys and Arianne, which I feel like I’ve already talked about enough.

However, another problem I have with The Soiled Knight is that it JUST GOES ON. After the boning, we get page after page of arguing between Arys and Arianne and exposition. It’s not really interesting arguing because we don’t really know the characters or care about them, and the only insight into these characters this chapter gives us is “Arys is hesitant and a square and Arianne is horny and rebellious”.

The argument is also really repetitive, and it doesn’t go in any real interesting direction, Arianne just manages to convince Arys to help her with the coup.

Also, we don’t even really know Arianne’s motives at this point. Even on a reread, when we know Arianne’s motives, it’s still boring, because we know the whole thing is a charade- except for that thing about Arianne thinking her Dad intends to marry her off. That’s the part where the scene gets interesting, more than 80% through. Of course, once you’ve read the whole series, you realize that Arianne just doesn’t understand what’s going on.

There is one good thing I can say about The Soiled Knight chapter: it fits in well with the themes of the rest of Feast.

Arianne talks about how history repeats itself, and this relates to Aeron’s thoughts on history repeating itself, as well as Cersei causing history to repeat itself. In the Soiled Knight, we also get Arys thinking about how similar his situation is to the Dance of the Dragons.

The Soiled Knight also pretty clearly ties in with the ideas of gender presented throughout A Feast For Crows.

Arianne’s reasoning for why Myrcella should become monarch over Tommen is still rooted in sexist ideas because she says Myrcella is stronger for not crying and being all quiet and stoic- stereotypically masculine traits.

We see a similar occurrence within the Iron Islands plot, with Asha insulting men by associating them with feminine traits.

This shows that freedom from bigotry can only be obtained when we get rid of the fundamental ideas that bigotry is based on.

It’s also interesting because this is not the only time the masculinity of Tommen (who is an eight year old by the way) is brought into question. Cersei, who is very much so obsessed with the idea of strength and masculinity, frequently berates Tommen for being “weak” because he shows emotions and doesn't argue with her, and Cersei thinks about how Joffrey was much more manly because he was an asshole. Cersei also exhibits this behavior with Jaime because the new Jaime is much nicer, but she equates niceness with weakness and strength with masculinity, so she constantly berates him and says that he’s unmasculine. Tommen replacing Joffrey is sort of like one-handed Jaime replacing two-hand Jaime.

Meanwhile, Arys does seem to realize however that there is inherent strength within femininity thinking that “women are the strong ones, truly.”

Sam echoes a similar point when observing Gilly on the ship.

Brienne also seems to understand that there’s strength in both traditional femininity and masculinity, as she tells Catelyn that she has “a woman’s courage” in A Clash of Kings.

However, while these ideas are interesting, they’re the only interesting part in a chapter which is mostly either really boring or really cringe inducing.

1 note · View note