#this is just sort of a vague observation but it was making me sad to think about so I felt it was worth posting

[bunniworms]

Thinking about Flatland (which I love just as a novel itself, but thinking about it specifically through the lens of being a Gravity Falls fan) and I think there are a lot of parallels to be made, particularly between the relationships of Ford and Bill, and A. Square (the novel's protagonist) and the Sphere. In Flatland, A. Square is visited by a being from the third dimension, and this being imparts knowledge unto the square that leaves him shaken and in awe; but more importantly, A. Square wants more. He pleas to know the secrets of the universe, to hear of dimensions four, five, and so on. Instead, the Sphere places him back in his dimension that seems so flat, so dull now, never coming back for him after realizing the lowly square won't fulfill the Sphere's goals. Now where does this sound familiar?

[misc-obeyme]

not sure if this one has been done before but i'd like to request a set of headcanons for the dateables who assumed mc (male or gender neutral, up to you!) had feelings for someone else, and had already given up, right up until they confessed that they were in love with them.

also, can solomon's be set during nightbringer? i don't mind when the others are set!

thank you! i love your writing!!

Hi there, anon!

This may have been done, but it hasn't been done by me, so you're good lol! Oh man this one was fun. They all start out angsty and then end with the confession and I love it. I have to write angst more often, apparently I enjoy making characters feel pain. Which is weird considering I made myself sad writing these. I kind of feel like this might just be the universal writer experience, though.

Also I feel I should mention that Diavolo believes MC is in love with Lucifer because I honestly feel like that's the only scenario in which he would completely give up lol. Everybody else's is vague, but they all think it's one of the brothers.

Thank you for the request!

the dateables think GN!MC is in love with someone else and give up on them, but then MC confesses

Warnings: angst as all the characters believe that MC is in love with someone else, but ends with fluff

Diavolo

He can tell that there's someone you care about. It's in the way you sometimes get a private sort of look, like you're thinking about something very specific, and then you smile softly. Seeing that smile makes his heart ache. He's so happy that there's someone who makes you feel that way, someone who makes you smile like that, but he's fairly certain it isn't him. The pain of knowing that you'll never be his is deep. It keeps him up at night, but he tries to act like there's nothing wrong.

He thinks you're in love with Lucifer. He can't deny that there's something special between the two of you. And he's convinced that Lucifer is the only one that you could be in love with. Lucifer is protective, competent, and always looking out for you. You rely on him, but he relies on you, too, more than he would admit. And Diavolo simply doesn't have that closeness with you.

He thinks he's being very realistic about the situation. There's no point in pursuing you when your heart clearly belongs to someone else. Convinces himself that he's happy enough just to be near you, to be in your presence. Sometimes lets himself feel jealousy over it, but works hard to suppress that feeling. Actively tries to move on because he has responsibilities he needs to focus on.

So when you confess to him, he's in shock. Actually speechless for several minutes. And then he grabs your hands. MC, are you sure? Are you sure you're in love… with him? You won't have to reassure him more than once. As soon as you tell him you're sure, he's accepted what you've told him. Gets teary eyed about it because the feeling in his chest is so overwhelming. He never thought this could happen, but here you are, telling him that you're in love with him. All he wants to do now is kiss you. You've made him so happy he can't think straight.

Barbatos

He knows right away that you've fallen for someone. He's observant, so it isn't hard for him to pick up on it. It's obvious in the way you get a little preoccupied sometimes. You become a little forgetful and scatterbrained, like your mind is somewhere else. But you also seem a little happier, quicker to smile and laugh. What an odd feeling for him. Seeing you like this fills him with a special contentment. And yet…

Barbatos doesn't necessarily know who it is you have feelings for. At least, there's nobody he suspects is your special person. He just knows it isn't him. He's convinced that he would be able to tell if it was. Sometimes thinks about who it might be and has certain others that he thinks would be a good fit for you, but he doesn't dwell on this too much. Busies himself with his work so he doesn't have to think about that little sting he feels whenever he thinks about it.

A master at compartmentalizing his mind and feelings so that he doesn't have to deal with them. Simply tucks all that away into a corner of his soul where he can ignore it entirely. Let it stay there and fester for a bit. He has more important things to deal with than his own silly feelings. And so nobody would be able to tell - not you, not Diavolo, no one. He has a lot of practice at keeping secrets, after all.

But all of that is going to come bursting out of its restraint when you tell him how you feel. Blushes instantly. Overcome, overwhelmed, flooded with the emotions he'd been keeping locked up tight. You can see the chaos in his eyes. But he takes control of all of this pretty quickly. Pulls you close to him, wraps you in his arms. Truly you may never know the extent of his happiness, MC. Please always stay by his side.

Simeon

It isn't so much that he doesn't notice as he just assumes he's wrong. There's definitely something different about you lately, but he's not going to guess at what it is. Probably asks you directly if there's anything on your mind. Considering you're likely not ready to tell him how you feel, you can pretty much say anything about what's going on in your life and he'll accept it. Moves on without too much questioning, but keeps an eye on you.

Eventually, he won't be able to deny it. He's going to have a specific demon brother in mind, too. He watches you with that brother, whichever one you're closest to, and thinks he's figured it out. Even though you didn't tell him you were in love when he asked and he knows it's not a good thing to assume, he still can't help but notice it. The way you smile when that brother speaks to you. The way you seem to drift near him whenever you can.

And if Simeon takes the time to consider this for very long at all, he'll realize that the feeling that bubbles up in him first is jealousy. He's not happy about that. He doesn't like the way it makes him feel. And just underneath it, he senses a deep pain that he doesn't want to explore. So he attempts to shut it all down. He's very good at maintaining his composure when he's with you. But when he's alone, he lets himself feel everything. Might even let himself cry if he's certain no one will hear him.

Definitely cries when you tell him how you really feel. Just lets that relief wash over him and his love for you is something he can't contain. Please hold him, MC. He just wants to be near you forever. Never let him go. He might ramble for a little bit about how he thought you were in love with someone else. He might even tell you all about how it made him feel and how he wasn't dealing with it very well. But in the end, he's going to smile at you through his tears. Really make his heart burst by kissing them away.

Solomon

He's always known that you belong to the seven demon brothers. He knows him having a chance with you is just wishful thinking. It doesn't matter that you live with him now. That he's the only one who knows that you're really from the future. It doesn't matter how fast his heart beats whenever he sees your smile. That when he's with you all he can think about is putting his arms around you. Solomon knows you aren't his. You will always choose the brothers.

He's aware right away that you've got feelings for someone. He has his guesses. Perhaps two or three different demon brothers come to his mind. Starts paying attention to how you act around them to see if he can figure it out. He will question the brothers he suspects, just to see how they feel about you. If they give him less than satisfactory answers, he might try to steer you away from them. Not because he thinks that makes you more likely to choose him, but because he doesn't want to see you get hurt.

Ignores the way your softened expression makes his gut twinge. Sometimes stares at you for too long because he's trying so hard not to say something to you about it. He doesn't ask you because he knows he can't handle the answer. Starts throwing himself into his work. Forcing himself to think about anything else. But how can he think of anything other than you?

Your confession nearly takes him out. He's so surprised, so overcome with emotions, he falls to his knees at your feet. Grasps your hands like he's drowning and you're the only thing that will save him. He was holding so much tension inside and he didn't even realize it. Now it's all draining away. You can either pull him to his feet or join him on the floor. Either way, he needs you to hold him. MC, please tell him he isn't dreaming. Please tell him this is real. Reassure him with a kiss and he'll pull you into a fierce embrace, like he's scared you'll vanish if he doesn't hold you tight enough.

masterlist | Thank you for reading!

[irusuzume]

So here's a thought:

Ashton is sort of established to have anxiety, yeah? Like, they had a panic attack before when they were on their way to getting a new outfit, so they are at least sorta anxious or something, maybe.

Now I have been having a bit of a time with my anxiety and trying to explain it to someone sort of made it worse this time and was really hard to explain in a way that didn't sound really vague and feel kind of useless, and then here comes the thought -- it reminded me of Ashton's explanation for his actions and how some internet voices regarded those and their apologies (no disagreement or argument, just an observation). In addition sometimes anxiety comes out as anger, yeah? because of the fight or flight thing, and if barbarians in general need some sort of primal or emotional impetus for their strength and rages, and nothing is more primal brain-wise than the amygdala (i think) where that fight or flight comes from, then could that mean that at least partially, Ashton is a barbarian because of that anxiety and how it manifests? If so then that would mean he's like almost always terrified? If that's true, then that makes me so sad... I sorta hope I'm proven wrong...

Anyway as compensation for the rant here is a piece that I've been working on since the episode before last Thursday's (I can't remember the number right now) It's not super complete but I think it's as good as it's gonna get for now.

I promise I draw more than just Ashton or Taliesin Jaffe characters, it's just what I ever really complete (relatively) fully recently.

[flamingplay]

Everything Everything's Mountainhead: a Track-by-Track commentary from AppleMusic

Everything Everything lead vocalist Jonathan Higgs thinks that the thread running all the way through the Manchester quartet’s catalogue is the urge to encapsulate the effect on humanity of living in this time. “That’s really what all our albums are about,” Higgs tells Apple Music. “It’s a varying degree of looking inward and outward, observing how it feels to be alive in this place in this time. This one is very much looking outward for the most part.” “This one” is Mountainhead, Everything Everything’s seventh record and another astounding leap forward from one of the UK’s most inventive bands. It mixes pulsing synths and gleaming guitar licks, euphoric electro grooves and art-rock dynamism—music where the strange and the soothing seamlessly overlap.

The album pairs a dystopian concept about a society which has built a huge mountain and its people live in the shadowed pit it has created at the bottom (a “Mountainhead” is someone who believes the mountain must continue to grow taller no matter the cost) with some of their most rhapsodic pop hooks yet. It’s all been created with the confidence that there is an audience for this sound. “It always feels like we’ve got a lot of goodwill from the last thing we did, so a lot of people are waiting for the next thing we do,” says Higgs. “I think people really liked the last record [2022’s Raw Data Feel] and this one’s better.” This is the sound of Everything Everything on the crest of a wave, confidently hitting new peaks seven albums into their career. Allow Higgs to guide you on a journey to the top of Mountainhead, track by track.

“Wild Guess”

“This was a little demo we made on tour with Foals back in 2017 or something. I put a vocal on it but it was all sung an octave up from what you hear, which was ridiculous. We happened to rediscover it and were like, ‘Remember how ridiculous this song was? Maybe it’s fine to do it now.’ There was just something about the confidence of that big fat solo beginning the record, no vocal for ages and it’s not very nicely played. It’s the same recording Alex [Robertshaw, guitarist and keyboardist] did backstage into his laptop all those years ago. It just felt like this was a good way to start a record, basically, like, ‘Fuck you. Here’s your big fat solo that sounds awful and you’re going to have to wait for your vocal.’”

“The End of the Contender”

“This is vaguely about Ronnie Pickering [ex-boxer who went viral in 2015 for a road rage incident] and people of his ilk, but it’s also about the creep of capitalism and how it’s seeping into everything. I’ve tried to put a reference to money or electricity on every song, so he talks a lot about it in that song—whoever ‘he’ is. Obviously, ‘It’s all about the Benjamins’ is quite a cheeky thing to sing in the chorus, but I don’t think I’m going to get sued for it.”

“Cold Reactor”

“This is setting out the stall of the record. It really hinges on the human element of it and the desperation of it. The ‘I haven’t left the house’ line, somebody being quite isolated and communicating through screens and emojis, felt very relatable. There’s a sad longing for connection that you can’t quite get to that runs through it and because it has this rushing feeling of everything coming to a point, it really emphasises the desperation of it. It was a question of getting the right sort of heartbreaking-versus-hopeful tone and trying to get across a lot of exposition in the verses in quite a short time. It feels like a film script in terms of its simplicity.”

“Buddy, Come Over”

“This is about cancel culture a little bit, it’s got this dark-side- and underworld-type feeling to it. There’s a line, ‘Make me a website so I can completely ruin my life’ and that made the guys laugh quite a lot. Sometimes when that happens, we’re just like, ‘Yeah, let’s go down this path.’ It fell together quite easily, it was more like a really fun one to play live, like, ‘What can we play that feels good in the moment rather than trying to get all these tracks on the go.’”

“R U Happy?”

“This is about the effect of isolation, living in cities, living now and asking the question, ‘Are you happy? Does all this stuff make you happy?’ in the simplest way I could, which is to literally say, ‘Are you happy?’ over and over again. There’s definitely a through line of being an animal and the ‘dance in a skeleton way’ line was me saying if there’s a skeleton there, you’re dead but if there’s a skeleton there, you’re alive as well, talking about being alive and trying not to be sad all the time.”

“The Mad Stone”

“This is more about the religious element to the idea [of the album]. It’s more like a spiritual song in its presentation and its content. It sounds like an argument between two or three people who really believe in this idea of the mountain and people who are very doubtful about it. The thing on top of the mountain [in the chorus] is this big mirror that reflects you over and over again into infinity—that’s the more magical element of what might be at the top of the mountain. I was trying to come up with a metaphor for an idea of something that would be an actual goal that someone might want to get to, but it’s also really obviously selfish and self-aggrandising. It took an afternoon of singing it to get the chorus right, getting it so it just didn’t sound silly—being understood and not sound like I’m mumbling.”

“TV Dog”

“This was a demo that Alex had made that he called ‘Coney Island’ and we all thought it sounded like a New York string quartet. Coupled with that title, it opened up a few little avenues on the record, some strings that appear on other songs. I had about twice as many lyrics and we were like, ‘Is this song going to develop into a bigger thing? Are we going to bring the drums in?’ and then we were like, ‘The most poignant thing you can do is just hear it for a minute and a half, a couple of good lines and then it’s gone.’ Alex went down to a cathedral and recorded loads of ambience in there and put that all over the track in the background, so you get this sense of it being in a huge space.”

“Canary”

“If some of the other songs feel like you’re on the mountain, this one’s very much in the pit, it’s being in the dark. It’s the canary in a coal mine, a warning song that just so happens to fit very well with the larger concept. It’s the darkest underbelly of the album and the imagery is the most fucked up. It feels like a warning about something bad that’s coming, which tends to be where I often find myself as a character in my songs—as a warning character. This was a big production number for Alex, I think he wanted it to be a bit Björk or something.”

“Don’t Ask Me to Beg”

“I started with layering up vocals, I was trying to make a kind of choir thing. I was listening to Massive Attack, even though they don’t really use choirs. We tried different rhythmic schemes for ages to try and get it sounding less white-boy funk and cool. It took us ages working on the drums, actually, and then trying to re-record all of those cluster vocals. I think we just gave up in the end and used the demo ones, so no one knows how to sing those parts. If we have to do it live, we’re going to struggle!”

“Enter the Mirror”

“This is about a friend of mine who was struggling and I wasn’t sure if he was going to make it through. It’s a song about singing to him as if he was gone and remembering our childhood. I haven’t really worked out what it means yet. I think I wanted to say that we’re both the same deep down, even though there’s two of us. But there’s also the mirror on top of the mountain, which might be like you find yourself if you go into it. I don’t know, I’m still a bit too close to that song to even fully say.”

“Your Money, My Summer”

“This was another demo from around the same time as ‘Wild Guess’, something that we thought was just a bit too silly to do something with back then and now, I guess we didn’t. In the past, we would have had a litany of reasons why we wouldn’t do that and now it was like, ‘This is good.’ It’s definitely the most relaxed track of ours you’ll ever find. You won’t find us playing like that anywhere else, a sort of Chili Peppers rhythm section. We would usually run a mile from that stuff but we were just like, ‘Why are we running?’ It’s an example of us being relaxed with each other.”

“Dagger’s Edge”

“This was an older demo. It always had that feeling of being a song of two halves. I think I wrote the second half and Alex wrote the first. We’d binned it because we thought it was too silly. It does sound pretty light-hearted in the first bit, but then the tone changes. I’m taking the piss out of somebody and saying a lot of ridiculous things and then suddenly just turn into this really desperate old wise man on a mountain. No other band could do that and I really believe that that’s very much our thing—a song that sounds like Dr. Dre and I’m taking the piss out of a guy, calling him those ridiculous names, and then suddenly, a harpsichord comes in and it’s turned into a really existential thing about everyone turning into bacon.”

“City Song”

“This is another one that’s got that New York strings thing going on. I wrote the demo and it was much more hip-hoppy. It’s got a hip-hop speed, but, stylistically, that’s been shed. I was trying to do like a David Byrne-style lyric, the sadness of mundanity or trying to make mundane things special. I think there was also some elements of the Mark Fisher book Capitalist Realism, where he was talking about how impersonal it can be to work for a big company where no one really knows each other. I wanted to get across that feeling of isolation, but also no one really knowing who you are and no one knowing each other, living under the lights of the city and it all being very anonymous.”

“The Witness”

“I’ve barely listened back to this because it makes me quite emotional. It was about witnessing somebody go through a weird transition, thinking that it might be a kind of religious experience. It was written on guitars but Alex swapped out the guitars for synths because it sounded like a Radiohead-type song, two guitars picking and a sad guy with a falsetto. It was just like, ‘People would like it but this is really music from 25 years ago that we could do standing on our heads.’ It’s what we were trained to do, we’re good at it, but it wasn’t pushing us in any direction. So we swapped out the guitars for synths and we made a few other weird changes.

[nostalgia-tblr]

not to Discourse, but about Sylvie snapping at Mobius:

She was right. She could have said it nicer (well, someone else could have - i adore Sylvie but i wouldn't really say she's consistently 'nice' and there are very obvious reasons for that in her backstory) but it's true, Mobius has been bizarrely chill about so many things this season, to the point where it does seem odd, actually. I think it's easily missed (maybe?) partly because fandom has decided long ago that Mobius is some sort of therapist/social worker who is always calm and so emotionally insightful and his role in fanfic is to be supportive at the more obviously fucked-up characters. But like. He's also fucked up. He's already said that he's avoiding finding out about his old life in case it was good, so it's not like "Mobius won't let himself think about the sad things" is a new idea, is it?

I don't think Sylvie gets why he's like this (or she wouldn't have been so angry, for a start) but those two have spent very little time together (I think we the audience sometimes forget how little) and I know shipwars are inevitable and eternal but the show really does kind of break down into Loki-with-Mobius and Loki-with-Sylvie almost like two parallel worlds that interact less than might be expected. So why does Loki not "stand up for Mobius" there? Well there's the fact that it's true and that Loki was (unlike Sylvie) there when Mobius said he's scared of uncovering his old life so is more likely to connect the dots. And the element of "oh no my faves are fighting! i cannot take sides or at least one of them will hate me! i shall just stand here awkwardly and say nothing!"

I assume Loki and Mobius will talk this stuff over at some point, but in this episode there's not time for any of the several conversations that need to happen (and presumably this is a deliberate writing choice to drag things out a bit keep the tension up) and idk about anyone else but I would find it a bit weird if Sylvie had instead been unusually gentle (for her) and softly asked Mobius if he's feeling okay or does he want to have a chat about anything? Perhaps over a nice cup of tea and some chocolate biscuits? Nah, she's tense, of course she's going to snap. Ideally she wouldn't have done that but *gestures vaguely* what about any of this situation they're all in would you describe as "ideal"?

Maybe she'll apologise in one of the remaining episodes. But if she does he'll say that her observation was right, if not delivered in a way he'd have preferred.

tl;dr - Mobius is fucked up too and Sylvie (who has just in as many words says she thinks being soft makes you weak) is not diplomatic at the best of times, let alone while the multiverse is in the process of collapsing/exploding/whatever-the-fuck-it's-doing.

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

"I actually still have more to say lmao but don’t know If I Should " Please go off. It's so refreshing to see someone exercise a healthy dose of caution and scepticism in considering The 'evidence'. Also, wanted to say, I completely get your annoyance about every single song John or Paul has written made to somehow be about the other. I know people are just here to have fun and all but it's such a myopic way of analysing their great body of work.

Like… Here's The Thing:

If John and Paul had sex, it wouldn't be like… that hard for them to hide this fact lol. So the fact we don't have hard proof of it isn't in of itself evidence that it never happened (a thing Mark Lewisohn doesn't seem to quite understand). But finding proof for it outside of Paul himself coming forward and admitting to it (or the executor of his estate, or Sean, or some insanely petty person with an axe to grind who's been… waiting for Paul to die for decades?) is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

Honestly, it kind of reads as copium to me when people who are highly invested in Being Right About McLennon cling to these unverifiable sources that vehemently insist "everyone in the industry knows!" It's as if they need to affirm to themselves that they're ~not crazy~. (for the record: I don't think believing John and Paul were in love/had sex in of itself is crazy) It's just concerning when nobody is asking themselves why these sources who have all this "industry knowledge" are apparently never sharing that knowledge with the people who are actually publishing Beatles books; not even with the authors of the super trashy books; not even as a "source who asked not to be named". No, they only appear to be talking to random frequenters of various internet forums. Like. It just makes me go HMMMMM yknow?

And the other thing is like………… Are we forgetting why we here on tumblr generally agree that John was bi?

The idea that everyone knew about John and Paul being a couple, but they didn't tattle about this to the press because That Would Be Rude! ––– but also they felt going off about John's sexuality in general was actually totally fair game???? How does that make any sense?? It's also like, even if a lot of people still look the other way with regard to John's sexuality (though, less and less, in my observation), that doesn't mean the information hasn't been freely accessible for decades. It begs the question why this isn't a thing for all the McLennon Proof That Totally Exists This One Guy Told Me!!! And authors like Albert Goldman prove that disrupting the Lennon Estate's narrative, the macho image of John, is a lucrative business, specifically talking about his sexuality sells. (sort of off-topic: NGL, I'm always a bit mystified when people on this site seem to… Forget that John/Brian is a MUCH more substantiated theory than John/Paul.)

And this can't possibly all be down to John being dead while Paul is alive. As I said: it's also not like Paul hasn't caught an insane amount of shit over the decades. Guys like Giuliano wrote about him as well.

It's almost like, if Paul is bi, probably very few people know this fact for certain! Wow!

Also re: the song thing. It's just that……… I really like music? For it's own sake y'know. I get sad when 90% of the posts I see about the songs are trying to prove a theory that's much better substantiated by like… quotes than (for the most part, pretty vague) lyrics anyways. And I wouldn't mind all the fun tinhatting (some of which I engage in too!) if there was just more unabashed song loving.

[softmatzohtruther]

There's something I've been thinking about, and since this is my personal blog, I figured I'd write it out and maybe share it -- maybe I'll get to the end of this post and close it without saving, maybe I'll tuck it away into my drafts. I don't know yet.

I am ethnically Jewish, but I wasn't raised in the culture. My family situation is complicated, due to divorces, remarriages, and relocations, but I usually just tell people that I'm patrilineal, raised secular, and that I'm reconnecting with the community, with a potential conversion in my near future. After nearly 10 years of independent study and hanging around with other Jewish people both online and offline, and then moving into a city that has a large Jewish community, I decided this year to take a more earnest stride into Jewish communal and religious life.

This started with me signing up for social events around the High Holidays, and that's how I found myself in the Weitzman National Museum of American Jewish History on the evening of Yom Kippur. I'd been to the museum a few years before for a film festival, so I had seen some of the things they had on display, but I've not yet actually toured the building. This time I was there for an event being held in one of the empty conference rooms, meeting with a friend to have a pre-fast dinner before sundown and then joining in group prayer. It was an emotional evening for me for many reasons, particularly because it was my first time observing the holiday in the ritual sense, and that it seemed like an appropriate time to meditate on the nature of the new life that I'm trying to live. But it was also a memorable evening for me for another reason.

If you ever find yourself in Philadelphia, you can visit this museum yourself. Admission is free. On the ground floor, there is a piece on display across from the elevator, and I noticed it there as I was leaving the event. At first, I thought it was misplaced, because the display is a chair, and a cup of tea.

These items were donated by the Congregation of Beth Israel, a reform synagogue in Colleyville Texas. It was a somber sight for me on that night in September. I had only really heard a vague overview of what had happened there barely two years ago -- if you read the Wikipedia article linked above, you will notice it happened in January of 2022. And I remember that the one thought that crossed my mind as I stood in front of that chair is that when you enter a history museum, you expect to see things that are old, maybe from the 40s or something. And you will. But you'll also see the chair a rabbi threw at a man who was holding his synagogue hostage in 2022. Because this part of our history is still ongoing.

Read this part of the article:

A livestream of the synagogue's services on its Facebook page streamed the ongoing situation, including the forceful taking of hostages. In the livestream, Akram could be heard speaking to authorities, who attempted to negotiate with him. At one point, Akram claimed (apparently falsely) to have a bomb. The livestream also streamed Akram saying that he had flown to the city where Siddiqui was imprisoned with the intent of taking hostages. He also said that he chose to take hostages in a synagogue because the U.S. "only cares about Jewish lives" and because "Jews control the world. Jews control the media. Jews control the banks."

And that has been in the back of my mind constantly since a group of people in this city decided to protest outside of a fucking falafel restaurant chanting "we charge you with genocide." It's this idea that Jews are responsible for the acts of every other Jew, and on top of that, Jews are responsible for everyone else, too, when convenient. Like a sort of universal scapegoat. It makes me furious, of course, but mostly it just makes me sad.

I have zero regrets about throwing my lot in with this side of my family, my heritage, my history... but it is unbelievably heavy at times. Still, I feel like I have to carry it. Stronger people than me have died for it, but I will do what I have to do. I do have hope for the future, and more broadly speaking I have hope for the world, too.

מיר וועלן זיי איבערלעבן. עם ישראל חי

[randomfandomblabdom]

@carleyjayden

Everything you said was 100% on point. I'm curious about your thoughts of their interaction after the game is over where Cal asks her where do they go from here and she says things can't be like they were before. I took that to meaning things can't be like they were on Jedha before everything went to crap and it made me feel a bit sad.

That conversation has unfortunately been confusing people since the game released and I can't completely blame those who interpreted it as a sort of break up, "we can still be friends" moment because it is kind of a clunky and vague conversation that almost feels like it was slapped on at the last minute. I'm pretty positive it's supposed to mean that neither of them can go back to being just friends now that they've given in to their romantic attraction and they're going to figure it out together, at least that's how I interpreted it. Almost as if they shared that night on Jedha but didn't quite get to that conversation regarding where they stood as a pair cause everything was still so new and exciting and weren't able to get to that conversation since all hell broke lose the next morning.

I think backtracking on that relationship not only after the game is over but also in that mundane of a way would be really stupid, especially because it would make the entire arc and all of its development useless going forward. I genuinely hope the developers and writers would've made it abundantly clear if they were randomly deciding to throw all of that out and have Cal and Merrin go their separate ways again. I don't think that's what the conversation means at all, especially considering many after-game interactions make a lot of references to family and fatherhood, including Kata being observant of the fact that Merrin obviously likes him. I just think the dialogue of that conversation could've been worded a bit better but we'll have to wait and see where they are with each other in the next game. If they do actually backtrack, it's an understatement that I will be seriously pissed. I think many people would be because again, that would not make any sense from a writing and character perspective.

Again, I don't think the conversation was meant to be a break up at all but I can't blame people for interpreting it that way.

[kptssecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, @monochrome-crisis!

Dear @monochrome-crisis, I have really enjoyed writing this for you, and I hope you like it. Your prompts were delightful and it was a lot fun playing around with these two. Happy Holidays if you observe, and happy fic-gift-day to you if you don’t! Best, your anon gifter. 

TAGS: established relationship, secret relationship, arranged marriage, road trip, sort of, running away, 

SUMMARY: Chay stands quite still and watches him for several seconds, but it doesn’t help to make the jumble of nonsense words rearrange themselves into useful sentences in his head. 

“I’m sorry,” he says slowly. “An inauspicious start to what, precisely?”

“Why, to your marriage, of course!”

*****

can’t let this wait one more day

It’s Tankhun who accidentally breaks the news to Chay, on a rainy October afternoon when he’d expected to face nothing more challenging than a couple of hours playing the new Spider-Man game. A problem with his XBox has him venturing down to Arm’s office-cum-armoury-cum-tech lab, where he finds Tankhun sitting cross-legged on the floor, cutting pictures of floral arrangements and men in alarmingly colourful suits out of a vertiginously tall stack of bridal magazines. He snips some of them out with painstaking precision, and scratches the scissors angrily across others, his choices made according to some arcane and unknowable criteria. The images that survive his process are passed to Arm, who dutifully and efficiently pastes them down into a pastel pink, faux-fur-covered scrapbook.

“Khun? Is everything… Are you ok?”

“Auhhh! My favourite brother-in-law!” Tankhun cries at a volume that isn’t quite ear-piercing, but is certainly louder than required given the three of them are alone in an echo-y room, and Chay’s ears are less than thirty centimetres away from his mouth. “Everything is so much more than fine! It’s all wonderful! Practically perfect, in fact! Only do say you’ll let me dress you, nong, it would kill me to see you walk down the aisle in someone else’s shoes! And you wouldn’t break my heart like that, hmm, not on your wedding day? It would be a harbinger of so, so much bad luck! Such an inauspicious start, no?!”

Chay stands quite still and watches him for several seconds, but it doesn’t help to make the jumble of nonsense words rearrange themselves into useful sentences in his head. 

“I’m sorry,” he says slowly. “An inauspicious start to what, precisely?”

“Why, to your marriage, of course!”

***

“Nothing is set in stone,” Arm promises him, trying to calm him down while Tankhun flaps off to find Porsche. “It’s just an idea, at this stage, that’s all. Just something that was suggested - really, it’s more like it was vaguely alluded to - at the last family meeting. It doesn’t mean you have to marry anyone you don’t want to.”

The atmosphere in Arm’s little misery-bunker has always been a bit sad, but it’s never felt quite as overwhelmingly damp and awful as this moment in time. 

“I know you mean well, but ‘we might not marry you off against your will’ isn’t actually as reassuring as you seem to think it is,” Chay points out. He’s just pleased he can still form coherent words; that must mean the worst of the panic attack is subsiding.

“Yeah, that’s fair,” Arm says, and Chay tries very hard to find the deeply sympathetic look on his face comforting instead of terrifying. 

***

Chay: hey 

Chay: u busy?

Chay: i need to see u its urgent

Chay: ive run away im at the boba place 

Chay: the one with the cute plants inside where you kissed me that time 

Chay: pls don’t take long they’re cutting me off

not my secret bf: be there in ten

***

Macau picks Chay up in his older brother’s convertible, stolen for the occasion, and drives off without any questions. The extent to which he’s ride-or-die is, in Chay’s opinion, one of his absolute top-ten best traits. At Chay’s request, he heads out of the city, no particular destination in mind. He doesn’t say anything until they’re far enough out they’re relying on headlights, and the sound of rain on the windscreen is louder than the traffic. 

“Whatever happened, it’s ok, babe. I promise.”

“You won’t say that when you know!” Chay cries. “Hia wants me to get married, Cau, it’s really serious!” 

“What?”

“That’s what Arm said. And Khun! I’m sorry, babe, I know he’s your cousin, but also. What the fuck? How could he know something like that and not tell me!” Chay’s voice rises frantically, reaching a fever pitch as he vents his frustration at once again being the last one to find out important information about his life. “Oh my god, what if it’s to some disgusting greasy old man who wants a good little wifey, that Kinn needs to sign some business deal with?” Chay says suddenly, face awash with horror. 

“Ok, first of all,” Macau says, glancing over at Chay from the driver’s seat of with a grin of a distinctly gremlin-y variety creeping across his face, “if Kinn needed someone to sign a contract that badly, he’d just break their fingers until they signed it.”

“That’s not reassuring, Cau.”

“And second of all,” Macau presses on, ignoring Chay’s point completely, “I’m not gonna let you marry anyone else, so it doesn’t matter anyway, hmm?”

“You really think they’ll listen to you?”

Macau frowns, impish grin fading as quickly as it had appeared, and clicks his fingernails on the wheel, the way Vegas really hates. “I dunno. Maybe? And if they don’t, we could just… leave, I guess.”

“I’m not - listen, babe, I love you, but your uncle kept my mum locked away in an attic for eighteen years because she married the wrong guy, so like. I don’t have that much faith in Kinn or Korn or Vegas to be super chill about someone trying to leave the family.” 

Macau shoots him a quick glance, eyes slicking sideways before snapping back to the road. “Well, if you put it like that…”

“Look, you don’t have to come with me,” Chay says, voice laced with grim determination. “I know you – all your family are here, your whole life is here. But I think I have to leave.”

“Ok, ok. But you don’t have to go now,” Macau says. “We can come up with a real plan, take a little time.”

“I can’t go back. I can’t walk back in there. I can’t spend another second there.”

Macau swerves suddenly and pulls up on the side of the road, switching the engine off but leaving the headlights on, so the curtains of thick rain ahead of them are illuminated in their glow. Turning to face Chay, he reaches over and takes his hand, linking their fingers together and squeezing gently. 

“Hey,” Macau says softly, which catches Chay’s attention more than any amount of screaming would have. “I’m sorry my family is such a fucking nightmare. I’m not - of course I’m not gonna make you go back. If you wanna leave tonight and never come back, we can do that.”

“But?” Chay asks nervously. Macau lifts a questioning eyebrow. “It sounded like there was a ‘but’ coming next.”

“Nope,” Macau says easily, shaking his head and letting Chay see the truth shining bright in his eyes. “No ‘but.’ I’d follow you anywhere, Porchay.”

“Cau…” Chay says, releasing the name like an invocation into the night air. 

Macau stares at him, gaze far too intense to bear for long, and then he turns to look out at the road spilling away into the darkness ahead of them. “Chay, you know, we could - if you want - they can’t make you marry anyone if you’re already married.”

“Fuck.” Chay lets out a breath, a long, deep exhalation that carries away half the tension in his whole frame. “How are you so perfect when your family is so…”

“Shit, no idea.” Macau laughs and it’s not pleasant. “This is why I didn’t want to tell them about us. They ruin everything they touch, and I wanted to try and keep you whole as long as possible. So I’d get it, you know, if you don’t want - augh!”

Macau shrieks a little, very bravely, as Chay throws himself across the centre console and clambers eagerly if awkwardly into his lap, winding long slender brown arms around his neck and kissing him fiercely until one of them accidentally jams a knee into the horn. 

***

The hotel is not quite clean enough to be boring, and just a little too rundown to be charming. It’s the last place anyone would ever think to look for them, which means it’s Macau’s new favourite spot. He pays for one room, daring the older man behind the desk to say something about the way he has his arm wrapped around Chay’s waist, fingers tapping out a gentle rhythm on his hips. Chay’s arm is draped over his shoulder in turn, so he can lean easily into his side, soaking up his warmth. 

There’s a horrible pause where the guy hangs on to the key a little too long, and then Macau tips his chin up defiantly. His hand closes around the key and whisks it away from him. 

“We can find it ourselves,” he says. It’s not until they’re halfway down the hallway to their room that he realises the guy had absolutely no intention of helping them with their bags. 

Not that they have bags, per se. Chay has his old school backpack with him, which he’d hurriedly stuffed with a couple of pairs of underwear and some clean socks, a spare power bank for his phone and laptop, and more snacks than Macau’s seen in one place outside of a child’s birthday party. 

Macau, on the other hand, has his phone, battery currently hovering around 19%, and his wallet. 

“I thought,” Chay says defensively, when he catches Macau eyeing his stash, “that I might have to get the bus somewhere.”

Macau shrugs out of his bomber jacket and tosses it haphazardly across the room. “You shut your mouth. My fiancé doesn’t take the fucking bus.” 

“Fiancé,” Chay murmurs to himself, rolling the word around his mouth. “Shit, Cau. Are you sure?”

“I am if you are.” Macau swallows and ignores the too-fast beat of his heart. Chay’s hand wraps around his wrist, fingertips pressing gently against his pulse point. Macau loves his touch so much; he hates why they’re here, but he’d be lying if he said he hates getting this much attention from Chay all at once, after months of existing from one stolen moment to the next.

Macau’s vague idea of showering and then planning the rest of his life is quickly shelved. He’s too busy letting Chay tumble them into bed, rolling over so Chay can pin his wrists and grind his hips down. Chay licks into his mouth and then laughs at the dramatic whine he lets out when he pulls away again too soon. It’s just for show; they both know Chay would never leave him so unsatisfied. 

They make love on scratchy sheets in a cheap hotel on the outskirts of the city, because neither of them could bear to drive any further, because they both need to get their hands on each other, because Chay doesn’t mind being Macau’s dirty little secret but he’s damned if he’ll be anyone else’s husband, and because Macau has had a lifetime of watching his family destroy every good thing that wanders into its path, and he’ll be damned if he lets Chay be their next target. 

As they fall asleep curled into each other, all warm skin and slow breathing, soft lips and steady heartbeats, Chay gives Macau the other reason he couldn’t marry anyone his hia chose for him. “I want to wake up next to you. Tomorrow. All my tomorrows.”

***

Arm wakes Chay gently, shaking his shoulder and stepping back discreetly as his eyes flutter open. Years of practice avoiding the flailing arms of a recently-roused Tankhun, Chay assumes. 

“Shit. How did you find us?” he mumbles, pulling the sheets over his head. 

“I don’t know where to start. You and Khun Macau have about twelve trackers between you, not counting your phones and his credit card.” Arm tugs the sheet away and turns his tablet around; it’s a mass of blinking dots concentrated in a small cluster. 

“Where’s Macau? What have you done to him?” Chay cries when he realises he’s alone in bed. 

“It’s ok, Khun Chay, he’s just getting coffee,” Arm says. He sounds calm, but Chay’s seen him like this before and knows it doesn’t mean he’s not alert.  

“If you try and keep us apart, I’ll scream so loudly that everyone in the hotel’s gonna think you’re murdering me,” Chay says. “I’m a singer, I can do it, phi. My lungs can do things you wouldn’t believe!” He’s aware that he doesn’t look all that threatening, probably, sleep-dopey and with his hair all mussed up, but it’s worth a try. His hia raised Chay very carefully, though, and the second most important lesson he ever taught Chay was not to back down from a fight he believed in.

(The first lesson was not to start fights you can’t win, but Chay is deliberately choosing to ignore that.)

“Ah, no, it’s ok, nong,” Arm says quickly. “Look, here’s Khun Porsche, I’m sure he can explain it all better than I can.”

As the door opens, Chay snorts the snort of a man who has a deep fraternal understanding of Porsche’s ability to explain anything at all. 

“Hia!” Chay leaps off the bed and strides angrily across the room, shoving at Porsche’s shoulder before the door has even swung closed behind him. “You son-of-a-bitch! You couldn’t even tell me to my face, what the fuck!” 

“Chay – ” 

“No! NO!” Chay pushes him again, hot tears of frustration welling in his eyes and making his brother’s face mercifully blurry. “How dare you? I had to find out from Tankhun, of all people?! And it’s not until I leave that you suddenly give a damn what happens to me? Get out of my way, I’m going to find Cau and if you try to stop me, I’ll, I’ll, I’ll. I’ll fucking bite you, I don’t know!” He’s properly crying now, beating his fists uselessly against Porsche’s chest. 

“Chay,” Porsche says again, far more gently this time, and he catches Chay’s wrists before pulling him into a tight hug. “Chay, it’s ok, it’s all ok, I promise.”

“Hia!” Chay squeezes out between loud sobs. “Hia, please.”

“Arm,” Porsche says, craning to speak over Chay’s head. “Arm, I think you need to go fetch Macau now.”

***

“The thing is, Khun Chay, that while the relationship between the major and minor families is much closer these days – ”

“You mean because hia and Khun Kinn can’t keep their hands off each other,” Chay asks. He knows that’s not really why, but it’s funny to see Arm trying to work out how to answer the question in front of Porsche. He’s currently sitting on Macau’s lap, arms wound around his neck, and while he hasn’t actually growled or snapped his teeth at anyone who comes near them, his demeanour is carefully cultivated to suggest that he might.

“Uh, yeah. Yes. That’s not how I’d – but yes, I suppose Khun Kinn and Khun Porsche do have quite a noticeable physical connection,” Arm admits reluctantly. “And it’s good that they’re married. That’s great! But obviously there’s the deposed remnants of the former minor family to consider – oh. Umm. Sorry for your loss, Khun Macau – but the point is that now we all have some distance from the attempted coup, Khuns Kinn and Porsche thought that, uh.”

“They thought it would be convenient to get me married off, I know.”

“No, hang on, it wasn’t - it was just a silly thing Khun suggested, and Kinn said it - ok, yeah, he said it would be convenient, yeah, but we weren’t going to actually do anything about it!” Porsche throws his hands up in exasperation, nearly knocking the tablet out of Arm’s hands. “You didn’t have to run away on a whim, Chay!”

“Hang on, what does this have to do with Vegas and I?” Macau asks, at the same time as Chay mutters ‘It wasn’t a whim!’

“What do you mean?” Porsche asks him, leaning forward with genuine confusion on his face. (Chay recognises it from the days when he used to ask Porsche for help with his algebra homework.) “It was – the plan was – well, no, it wasn’t a plan, but Khun’s idea was that you two should marry each other.”

“Oh shit,” Macau says, squeezing Chay’s waist tightly. “Oh, shit, babe! Do you know what this means?!”

Chay wriggles around in his lap to face him, disbelief and hope warring on his face. “Is he saying what I think he’s saying?”

“I think he’s saying that they’re not gonna stop us being together, actually,” Macau says. He reaches up to stroke Chay’s face gently, running the back of his knuckles reverently along his cheekbones. 

“Hang on,” Porsche says. “Hang on, are you two – is that why you shared a room?!” He turns to stare at Arm accusingly; Arm quickly buries his head in his tablet and starts tapping away furiously. Porsche tuts and turns back to the disgraced runaways. “Macau! Did you fuck my brother last night?”

“Of course not!” Macau says quickly, and then his little gremlin grin returns. “Fun fact, phi, your baby brother is a very talented top.”

“Gah, shut up, shut the fuck up,” Porsche shouts, then covers his ears and starts humming when Macau opens his mouth to elaborate. 

“Stop antagonising him, and I’ll stop Tankhun from dressing you in cerise on our wedding day,” Chay murmurs to Macau, slapping a hand over his open mouth. Macau licks his palm, mostly out of habit, but nods his agreement. 

“It’s ok, hia, you can listen again,” Chay says. Arm leans over without looking up from his tablet and taps him on the shoulder. “I said, it’s ok. We’ve decided to take a rain check on the eloping plan today.”

“Oh, Khun Nu will be so relieved,” Arm says. “He was so worried.”

“Aww,” Chay says, willing to be far more lenient now things are going his way. “He was worried about Cau and I? That’s so sweet.”

“Oh, yes.” Arm pauses briefly. “Well. That, and he was worried he’d ordered a custom Armani for nothing.”

[twinkle-art]

im curious since Andromeda has terminal haunted by mom thoughts behavior and a weirdoes connection to Emet selch, what's her thoughts/relationship to hydaelyn/venat? cuz she kind of comes out the gate swinging and just straight up calls the player character her child in early visions. I suppose its equally likely hydaelyn was just too vague for a while for her to have very concrete feelings about it, and perhaps a more traditionally maternal style doesnt resonate enough to be very affecting, but im curious as to how she felt about All That

ohhhh this question is so fun i’m so tickled to know you’ve been paying attention like that 

so the short version is a little of column A, a little of column B– the truly overwhelming aura of maternal love that hydaelyn exudes unsurprisingly hit her like a goddamn truck, but perhaps not how you might expect. 

circa. ARR, when she was first given the title of Hydaelyn’s Little Superstar, she was very lost in the sauce of an uncomplicated Narrative of Heroism. as she does not come from a place where hydaelyn is even recognized as god, she was mostly caught up in the excitement of being chosen by a divine entity that she wasn’t even fully convinced was real, like, a week earlier. like, i think she would’ve thought of being referred to as Her child as something closer to set dressing, the sort of thing an all-powerful goddess is supposed to say, rather than something hydaelyn genuinely means and feels, let alone something she can actually internalize.

(a brief aside, thinking about this made me suddenly realize that in the absence of hydaelyn as an uncontested presence in the god-rejecting society she grew up in, the closest cultural equivalent would then be……. solus zos galvus. i will be unpacking the profoundly deranged implications of this parallel another time.)

however, you’re completely correct to hone in on the fact that hydaelyn’s maternal love being, like, what maternal love is actually supposed to be would throw andromeda, who’s never really had that modeled for her, for a loop. the slow, dawning realization that that’s how it’s supposed to feel would creep up slowly, without fanfare, only really crescendoing during endwalker

her time with venat was odd for her, in that it left her feeling deeply, deeply sad for reasons she struggled to articulate. perhaps this is a very revealing comparison to make, but i can really only liken it to the feeling of observing a closely-knit and happy family that you aren’t a part of and feeling an odd sense of loss that you didn’t get to have what they do. as a person, rather than a distant, inhuman entity, it was suddenly undeniable how genuine venat’s unfathomably deep love for the world, and her by extension, was, and i think it would probably make her heart ache to know that such a thing could exist, or that maternal love could come without the baggage she knows it to, and that she had had such a thing all along and not known it until right before she had to let it go

because everything is a part of my grand scheme (<- lie) i do love how this ties in very nicely with her relationships to both her real mom (lucretia) and her fake evil not-mom (emet), in that going into endwalker’s climax where she needs to finally see herself for who she truly is rather than simply The Hero, a huge part of her growing up is also seeing her parent as a full person with interiority as well. stripping the veneer of straightforwardness from how she understands and interacts with all three of these characters at more or less concurrent points in her arc simply feels right <3

[goremet-chef]

dumb little (very long actually) character analysis for dod n co, just my little guys. im good at compartmentalizing my troubles so thats mainly what they are, very good outlet. theyre really personal so it gets kinda heavy but i dont mind sharing em cuz seeing them as characters rather than states of mind soothes it a bit

some world exposition also, demons and angels live in vague harmony. its not a matter of sinful evil creature vs divine pure creature, its just 2 different cogs in the same machine, working together to keep things running. some angels and demons can hold those sorts of prejudice though, but for the most part its even

(slight nsfw warning with repentance also)

DO-OR-DIE ...

hes a demon, specifically a dream walker. dream walking demons are observers, they usually arent able to be perceived by humans or whoever. they spend most of their time wandering and watching over people to see what theyre doing, sometimes living through them. standard stuff.

his problem is that over time hes developed a corruption. corruptions cause the demon to be fundamentally flawed in some way that harms the demons wellbeing and affects its ability to live. in these instances, they are granted an angel to help them recover. usually it only takes one depending on the severity and the demons willingness to listen. dod has 3.

sometimes angels are unsuccessful, which is a problem because corrupted demons can become large threats. beings motivated by anguish alone are dangerous. thats another reason they send angels to save them.

he used to be rather odd and charming as any demon would be, but his corruption has made him awkward and unsocialized. sometimes he remembers himself before this, but its distant and blurry.

he represents me at a base level. he thinks too much and his corruption has lead to a massive hole forming in his center. he feels empty, so he fills the empty space with anger and fear and love. his design mainly encompasses the split in emotions i feel a lot. mindless joy or unmanageable sadness

CHASM ...

chasm is benevolent and thoughtful angel, and he sees the truth. he delivers honesty and rational advice. he wants the best for dod, but his approach is what complicates things. hes blunt, theres no point in sugar coating reality. his delivery brings more harm than good to dod, despite his good intentions.

in his attempts to calm dod, he'll tell him that no one cares enough about him to be angry with him, which is backhanded reassurance and it often fails. despite this, he has the highest chance of helping dod recover. dod is incapable of listening and taking it to heart because chasms words hurt.

chasm cares for dod, but hes here on assignment and his care manifests through trying to get him recovered. no matter how avoidant and arrogant dod is, chasm is always patient with him. recovery takes time.

the relationship that is formed through the recovery process with the demon and their angels can range from strictly business and a farewell once its over to lifelong companions. thats how chasm sees dod, hes a naturally empathetic angel and feels for him quite a bit. a shoulder to lean on, if dod ever has the sense to lean on anyone other than himself

thought process consists of a lot of spiraling and hysteria, and then running straight into that wall. "they dont care enough to be annoyed or mad at you, its not a big deal" but thats kind of a big deal to me. its helpful, but its too painful to bear. i didnt make chasms original design but i did change it quite a bit. gave him a mouth on his stomach as well as? what COULD be top scars but also look like closed, tired eyes. he was a shapeshifting type of guy before but now he mainly keeps insect features or casual angel features like bird wings and a halo

HILO ...

after observing that chasms help wasnt working, they sent dod another angel. hilo is optimistic and eccentric, and he sees the truth. if reality is bringing you down, why not just leave? he can take dod anywhere he wants to go, he can allow him to be anyone he wants past his usual observation, and it almost works.

unfortunately, this method is flawed. it feels good, but it doesnt tackle the root of his issue, instead opting to ignore it. time goes on and hes getting more and more corrupted, and despite how often he indulges in hilo's help, he knows its not what he needs.

hilo doesnt see it that way. even if his idea of recovery is inaccurate, hes got dods best interest in mind, similar to chasm. he assumes if he can take dod away from the pain thats corrupting him, he'll be saved. he wants him to smile, wants him to be creative, wants to nourish the small glimmer of joy and let dod grow it out on his own, but when the source of the corruption is unaddressed, it halts that completely

hilo and chasm often clash. the eternal battle between reality and fantasy, between fact and fiction. they dont see eye to eye, because their methods recovery are complete opposites. hilo is lighthearted, and treats dod as a friend. his unserious nature is avoidant in itself

daydreaming and dissociation are household names in the home of ominic, which i mean. yeah. im part of a system thats like our whole thing 💀 i spend MOST of my days completely absent from reality, just stuck in place pretending to be someone else until i have to get up for food or some shit. feels great, but no progress. again, i didnt make his original design, but i did redesign him so one thing i added in his redesign specifically is that underneath the long sleeves of his sweater, his skin is gross like dead almost. blackened and dried which basically just represents the bad part about dissociating so much. it seems great at surface level but if you peel back some layers its clearly not good for you

REPENTANCE ...

surely if he had 3 angels, they could work together and finally save him right..? wrong! repentance is high strung and strict, and he sees the truth. dod is a creature of sin, and he should be regarded as such. he thinks the only way for dod to truly repent and recover is to beg god for mercy, but until that happens he has no problem spitting insults and making sure he knows how disgusting he is

repentance views himself as the guideline for how any angel should be and thinks hes the best to help dod recover. in his own words, hes "keeping him humble".

thats where him and chasm tend to clash, much more intensely than chasm does with hilo (and more than hilo and repentance. repentance honestly just ignores hilo at this point, hilo thinks hes dumb). dod is stuck in a cycle of "everyone hates you, you dont deserve anything" and "no one cares enough to hate you" which. theyre actively working against eachother and bringing more confusion into his life.

repentance isnt as pure as he thinks he is, though. at some point he develops a sexual relationship with dod, which leads to some heavy denial. if it was anyone else he would consider it an affront to god, but hes good and holy... so of course hes only doing his best to help dod recover from his corruption. its a blessing, surely. ends up developing some complex feelings towards dod. still just as rude as always but his needs are completely selfish. hes not helping dod, hes helping himself, he just refuses to see it that way

i think my bpd is more violent to me than anyone else, sometimes i do split and get really angry but more often than not that anger is directed towards myself. thats basically what repentance is. bitter voice of a viper. also an outlet for my hypersexuality cuz thats really overbearing honestly. his design has some deeper meanings as well. the wings on his 'head' are upright because he views himself as being flawless and always correct, but the wings on his hips are upside down which. can symbolize a few different things in the context of him 💀 he represents my personal grievances with religion as well

RED HERRING ...

having 3 opposing angels is a lot of chaos, and chaos has formed a subdemon. red herring is quiet, and simple. he rarely ever speaks and is often hard to read. he stays out of the way and lingers around dod most of the time. his form is unstable and shifts a lot.

he is simple, but he has feelings, and his expression is that of guilt and deception. lots of mixed feelings have made dod feel like hes not who he says he is, like hes tricking those around him. if hes in a position where hes under stress and has to confront those feelings dod holds, he becomes active.

active subdemons play a part, and his part is feeling like he doesnt belong. like his true colors need to be shown so everyone will be too scared to touch him. he doesnt know if hes guilty or not of deceiving everyone, but he'll show it anyways as a last act of honor.

as his name implies, hes like a misleading piece of information. whether or not thats based in truth doesnt matter, its just how dod feels. feels like he doesnt deserve anything due to how loud repentance is. ultimately all 3 of them have caused dod some kind of pain and each subdemon represents that individual pain like some kind of complex spider web. i made him randomly when i was doing really bad so his design is simple but sometimes you need a simple character to vent yr feelings with

PLAYING HOOKY ...

another subdemon. hes silly and lighthearted, very similar to hilo. his expression is also similar. instead of just ditching reality, why not ditch everything? leave leave leave! run away from responsibility, run away from friends, run away from life. fool proof.

hes actually fun, a refreshing mix of wittiness and joy with a dash of edginess. its a completely disastrous mixture for dod because it makes it incredibly easy for him to relate to hooky and follow his lead. he can talk him into anything

his design reflects that. even though his nature is avoidance, his skin is sticky like tar, and he can hook others into place (he also grapples around with his hooks but thats not important i just think its cool)

sticky goopy little guy but hes like hilo in a worse way. mainly just more hiding but on the basis of fear instead of dissociation. him, dod, and red herring are prone to having their chest split open. represents different things, from feeling vulnerable and having yr guts on display to the gaping void thats slowly killing dod himself

I AM MY OWN ACTIONS ...

or i am for short. the final subdemon. he mirrors chasms message and is by far the most different subdemon from dod. his expression is taking the blame fully, even if its not all on you. there is an element of moving forward as well, but how can you come to terms with something you dont even know is true? its all hearsay, angels spitting back and forth between eachother, how can you know for certain?

thats the part that gets dod stuck and its why i am is so vastly different. he seems unreachable almost. dod is stubborn. even if hes certain hes the root of all his problems and hes just this horrible awful person, he cant say for certain. all the angels are certain of different things, whats he supposed to believe?

i try to keep it open ended with this whole thing. maybe he is a horrible person. who knows. we literally dont SKJFS

i am is quiet but does speak unlike red herring. his voice is soft like chasms, and he prefers lurking in the shadows. hes this presence that dod can feel, lingering in the background. he can accept it whenever, but he wont.

i think i laid out everything with this guy but i gave him a mixture of chasms buggy aspects as well as the tail of a coelacanth because to me coelacanths symbolize resilience. stick it out a bit longer, dont let them drive you to your grave. also yes he does climb on walls like a bug

okay im done now. this is kinda.. i mean its a bit embarrassing laying out my brain like this but i really like them as characters so i dont mind sharing it. i love all the different dynamics

[dangerously-human]

I wonder what the writers had planned originally that made them decide to nerf Olivia's cortexiphan abilities again at the end of S4? It's clearly a rush job to get them back in 5.12 Liberty, and there's nothing about the mechanics they'd established up until the previous finale to require that to happen, so I have to assume there was a particular plot reason that they didn't have enough time to actually develop with the foreshortened final season. I'm also now wondering what the plan was for the red!verse if they'd actually had as much time to tell their story as hoped. Crossing over as a workaround to retrieve Michael feels very shoehorned in as an excuse for closure, which like, I get it, but what was the ideal scenario? Things felt pretty tied up over there at the end of last season (not like, satisfactorily or anything, but about as neat and tidy as Fringe usually likes to do), so was the plan to just keep the two universes severed and do some sort of vague flash forward like they're doing now, in a more plot-impactful way? Or were there plans to restore the bridge? I would have loved to see that! It's making me a little sad to think that we won't get to see red and blue connected again, no matter what they accomplish now, if they reset the timeline again. Maybe I'll just have to live in a happy little headcanon where the next priority after defeating the Observers was to rebuild the bridge so the blue!verse, no longer the more damaged of the two, could get back to healing red so they can finally get their rainbows back.

[2n2n]

Do you think Amane’s fate was to die a t4 but Tsukasa changed it, or Tsukasa’s sacrifice was his fate too ? Like I don’t get which event is written in Tsuchigomori’s books and which isn’t

I really have only vague ideas... the thing about Tsuchigomori's bookstacks is, they CAN be vague ... ? Nene-chan knows she will have a date amongst the market stalls, but there is no mention of who with....

She stops reading quickly, but ... I don't know if it says more or not ... ?

however, Tsuchigomori says only Amane's fate was changed. He was meant to grow up... that was in the Bookstacks. so, that means that it is always Tsukasa's fate to die. Tsukasa's fate has not changed.... Amane's living was not 'changed fate', Amane's dying was 'changed fate'. To me, this distinction, coming from Tsuchigomori means: Tsukasa, in no timeline, in no situation, was going to survive. He died; this is no surprise/impact, so: Tsukasa's fate is always to die. It is fixed and unchanged. Amane could only choose to follow him, somehow...

'Once'. Only Amane; not Tsukasa.

if both the Yugi's fates were altered, I think Tsuchigomori would care to note that ... ? I do think Tsukasa's sacrifices are always 'canon'. If Amane was alive in that book ... then the initial red house well sacrifice that saves Amane has to be what the book is factoring in (as it is the circumstance which leads to both Yugi going to the school at all; it wouldn't be in the book, the heart condition stuff, BUT we can extrapolate that 'twins alive = well swap happened = scrundled Tsukasa)....

how specific was Amane's book? Did it actually name who was harming him, or was it as vague as the date Nene-chan reads? Was the harm happening IN the school, and thus known thoroughly? If he says he "knew what was happening", that kindof points to the school being involved. How detailed were the descriptions of what was happening? Was it simple, like ... that some sort of familial harm was transpiring? Does the bookstacks know why Tsukasa might be 'off'? Does it understand Tsukasa is not completely 'human'? How much rationalizing can it do, if circumstances are observed to be weird within the school? Does it only think Tsukasa is a normal kid, but unwell? I have no idea. It knows both Yugi go to the school. I do not know if it can observe/know their physical status... I do not know if it can scan Tsukasa or observe abnormality. I also do not know, if the Mysteries power is tied to the Well-God, if somehow that is tangled into it describing Tsukasa or assessing him. Magical

Tsuchigomori makes no mention of Tsukasa .. out of respect for Amane's privacy? I dunno.... does he really know it was specifically Tsukasa doing things ??? Was it not important, because Tsukasa was meant to simply die, and free Amane from all of that? Maybe from Tsuchigomori's perspective, IF HE EVEN KNOWS OR UNDERSTANDS THIS ASPECT ON ANY LEVEL (again: I don't know what kind of intel the book can get vis-a-vis knowing someone is a kaii, knowing someone within the school is already an altered soul, etc) his twin sacrificing his humanity to give Amane life, is something inevitable to bite back some day (kaii things ... can't just live as a human permanently if you are not human), so Tsukasa becoming wayward, and then dying, is the 'natural' circumstance (just relieving it ends, I guess... nothing doing for Tsukasa)... maybe to Tsuchigomori, it isn't that 'sad' in that way ... ? Not overwhelmingly so. Having a year or so of strange turmoil, with this addled sibling, which simply inevitably must end, because Tsukasa's life is on a timer... he doesn't have much time to wait, or watch his students suffer. Fine. Blink of an eye in kaii time...

I'll reiterate here in this edit, that I have no idea how the bookstacks would regard Tsukasa, or what they would know about him ... if it is obvious ? to the magical books ? that something is up with Tsukasa ? or if he is a normal boy ? whatever the case, ig it would just know he's to die. In my mind, it feels weird that Tsukasa could be ... Tsukasa-ing all around, and the bookstacks would say "a normal boy" .... its always a mystery what anyone/anything knows about Tsukasa

I really don't know what events Tsuchigomori knows ... exactly (did he know about the entire conversation Amane was going to subject him to about the moon, or is THAT also a completely new circumstance and conviction? It shocked him enough to be the yorishiro memory, so it might already be the divergence??? Does he know NENE-CHAN is now time traveling all about, meeting Amane multiple times, or does NENE-CHAN cause the divergence???) ...

...but I get a sense of helplessness when I think about Tsukasa's situation, and, it makes me understand why Amane might have been so incredibly determined to do anything, stop time, control time, and finally, refuse to leave Tsukasa's side ... maybe everything was simply, "ah, it is how it is", for Tsukasa's death, as much as it is now, for Nene-chan. Maybe "ah, it is how it is" for himself meaning "you will live" was incredibly frustrating, if he got to know of it ... (fighting to save Tsukasa, or find a way around that fate, but in the end, understanding the only way to be together is to die too ... ? Kinda a repeat of what he's doing with Nene-chan?)

it's very hard to imagine a circumstance in which Amane doesn't die with Tsukasa, though....? We seem to be, as it is, creating the written circumstances ... but ah, I dunno ... maybe he will learn ?? something about Tsukasa ?? due to Nene-chan invasions ?? which will ?? make him resolute about not letting Tsukasa go ???

I have some vague thoughts/theories on how it may have originally been written to go ? but they are definitely far-flung extrapolations, not really grounded in canon....

uhh this is long enough, I'll reblog myself and append a readmore for like vague thinking on that, it might not be so interesting....

[computerpeople]

SOMETHING I LEARNED BY ROLEPLAYING JUNO IS THAT NOT EVERYONE COMES UP WITH MORE OCS TO BE THEIR OCS PARENTS? Like they come up with the vague idea but when I was making Juno I kind of sat my happy ass down and was like ojk i really need to observe why he is the way he is and how eccentric he is and really come up with reasons he is, even if i dont ell anyone, so i know exactly what kind of character he is.

And people are always shocked when they find out that I made his abusive dad like, sympathetic? But it always feels like that's how it is in real life, i don't even think familial abuse exists without it being generational and I think to dictate how he treated Juno i'd need to figure out why HE treated him like that. and I settled for James being an undiagnosed schizophrenic who was forced into adopting Juno, after Junos grandpa, Dove, a religious, also undiagnosed schizophrenic preacher adopted Juno under the impression that he was the next coming of christ (in non homestuck aus). Junos grandpa, James's dad, spoiled the ever living crap out of Juno at any chance he got. As much love and affection and gifts and quality time juno ever wanted, his grandpa gave him. Which was the exact opposite of how his grandpa treated James when raising him, leaving James to grow resentful and confused. James was only 20ish when Juno was adopted, and had just moved back in with Dove because Doves health was declining and he needed help taking care of himself, and had no plans on doing that let alone BEING A PARENT to a VERY troubled child (Juno, even before everything in his teens/early adulthood was a very very troubled kid with huge behavioral issues, and was very very violent and scary to those around him) and James was already suffering from his own mental health declining and begining to believe Doves delusions as well. So when Juno lead to Doves untimely death with his luck influence, James had already been indoctrinated into believing that Juno was some sort of entity in his life, and felt dutiful to make sure he at least grows up to be a normal passing person. He did everything to try and crush Juno into an itty bitty box and fit in with all the other kids he could, in an effort to keep Juno from being hurt or hurting others. ALL THIS TO ME IS LIKE NORMAL PARENTAL DEVELOPMENT I TRY TO DO FOR ALL MY OCS IF THEIR CHILDHOOD/PARENTS PLAY A HUGE ROLE IN THEIR STORY but ive had people genuinely be like IVE NEVER THOUGHT THAT FAR AB THE PARENTS

anyways look at this. ivbe only drawn it once because it makes me really sad, but heres the singular drawing of juno i have if he doesn't kill his dad (or in more NORMAL aus, his dad doesn't die of a heart attack in his teens)

[squeet-smooch]

I just feel like puking. It just doesnt feel fair to me that I'd have a small reaction and minimize it to where im just gently being like "I'm not sure about that, I'm not sure I've done enough" and it isn't transactional, i can (NOw after explanation unfortunately) understand where that came from, but it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I'm just nervous.

Getting over the fear thats been instilled in me for 22 years or whatever is gonna take a little longer than 6 months, and its already gotten so much better and i just. I don't feel like I'm allowed to have this struggle. To actually sit with and come down from that fear, its "you got scared, is this even right for you? Are you trying to hurt me or do you just not care/notice?" Sorta feeling.

Like, the second i do something that stung, it isnt a misunderstanding or something i needed help with, it's me being negligent and cruel and shitty. You aren't being a dick because your feelings are hurt but somehow im always the one hurting you carelessly? Not to literally be that guy but what about my feelings you just hurt? If you just asked me, talk to me about it, i would have said no it isnt about that, it is about just the idea that i need to be reminded sometimes that you just want to do something for me, it isn't like it was. I just need reminded and I'm not trying to hurt you, but instead you message me telling me that i was shitty earlier, after the matter, and i see the Tumblr vague posts about me. I don't say anything, but i saw them and i know you know i see them, so they feel like side jabs at me.

I know im not totally innocent of doing similar but you're telling me to kill the thing in me that is sabotaging good things, and i truly for fucks sake don't feel that having trauma feelings means that I'm just making good things bad carelessly. Having something im not totally healed from(or even something i THOUGHT I WAS) come up like that does not mean I am being shitty and letting things just be bad.

I am not making things bad so i need you to not talk to me like that. I need you to not act like every time i feel a little insecure or bad that its entirely my fault, that I'm just soiling our perfect little time together, that I'm just making you feel terrible because thats how that makes me feel.

I genuinely feel like a bad person, bad partner, bad anything. Irredeemable, and thats just something i sorta come with. I've been working on it for years but especially with Me, Luci, i deal with that. I deal with it so much without saying much about it at all because who wants to listen to their partner talk about what a terrible man he is. It's just something to handle, but when you immediately react like this to something like me expressing fear, or remorse, or any sort of sorrow or whatever, it makes me think I'm right. That I'm a hurtful, bad partner to you in the long run.

I may take care of you and act kindly but i am forgetful, i cross boundaries on accident at times, my tone sounds crueller than i intend, and i am not without flaws and this is not to say every single hurtful thing i do needs to be forgiven or understood or that you need to be endlessly patient with me.

But understand that I'm not here to hurt you and when you act like i am, it crushes a part of me. I feel heartbroken often at the idea that I'm The one making you so anxious and sad and angry.

I'm not just Innocent, and I'm not saying you aren't allowed your feelings. But consider what you're saying im doing, consider what you're observing before accusing me of being an asshole to you because im so tired of hating myself, and you make me think I'm right to at times. Things ARE good, but you say i am making them bad. And yet, you still claim I'm not like Her. I'm not like the people in your past who hurt you yet i act like them? So much? I've never thought you act like anyone from my past, I've always thought you contradict it all and that heals it. You're reflecting the accusations that past people have said I'm doing, in the way that i don't feel it, i dont see it, i don't understand how I'm doing something hurtful when i look back at it and when I'm in the moment.

I just dont know what to do or say because every time something happens and i try to talk it out it gets worse. You seem angrier with me, and then you hold on to things so tightly, no matter what it actually was that happened

[x-other-souled-x]

I'm a little afraid to say this but tulpamancy helped me immensely as a traumagenic system.

When we started showing signs of plurality we weren't exactly scared but we did get freaked out, because we weren't "supposed" to be plural. In our head that was only for people who had parents who never even pretended to love them and had the world's worst thrown at them at all times. The more I learned about trauma and how it affects people and how trauma actually happens, it opened up a world of understanding just how traumatized we were but having pushed it down under the "it could have been worse so stop crying" bc again we were taught young that "real trauma" was getting beat daily, starved, and sexually abused constantly. Obviously since growing and learning we no longer beleive that, but it was a mindset we were in.

Even after accepting our traumatic past we still denied our plurality, and it hurt us, really bad, this denial is what I blame for many barriers we ended up having to learn to remove. Our denial still came from the beleif that our trauma wasn't bad enough, and also the way we had to constantly downplay everything bad, weird or even anything not ""normal"" in the eyes of our mother, which has several times now led to us denying symptoms of other issues we have (adhd and bpd) because "I'm not special or anything, why would have any kind of thing going on, thats for people cooler than me." Which don't get me wrong is an absolutely wild thing to beleive but listen it was the excuse we made for years to deny anything negitive about our lives. We aren't allowed to be weird or different or angry or sad.

Anyway discovering tulpamancy in like 2014 or something like that was crazy, and before that we looked into daemonism (the particular forum we found was really strict about forms having a specific meaning and that you should do a bunch of tests and deep introspection bc if you got your animal wrong it was a cardinal sin, so that scared us off of that quickly)

It took a long time to get the tulpamancy thing going, every time we would start to hear a voice speaking, it was shoved back down. It's like we got scared even though we desperately wanted to make a tulpa (for reasons I have no idea, it felt like we HAD to). And i mean years, it wasn't until 2020 that we finally got to ""keep"" a tulpa. and honestly I wonder if those fragments of tulpas that got shoved away are still there or I'd they're completely gone now. I kinda hope the latter since I don't wanna face that. But anyway.

The main host at that time isn't really active anymore, and I'm tired of referring to a vague "we" for this part. So they ended up talking to this tulpa a lot but any time it went on for a decent ammount of time with no real issues in communication, they would start to doubt the tulpa was real and the tulpa would of course argue back and then disappear for a while. To me it seems like a fight between a parent and a child where the child eventually goes to their room and slams the door shut and refuses to come out or talk. Except it would be for months at a time that the tulpa would go quiet. And then eventually the tulpa would come back and although still angry that their existence was questioned and denied by the one who created them, still came back to prove they were indeed real and made their own choices.

Thanks to him, the tulpa, it helped us all slowly break the barriers of doubt, we began recording things, or rather the tulpa did. He kinda became like a sort of observer who was obsessed with making sure everything going on was documented so we could clearly see patterns later on. I really appreciate him, and everyone here does too, because he was right, seeing those patterns really helped deal with te doubt.

So in a way, projecting our doubt onto a tulpa who then got so angry about that he then decided to make sure it never happened again in our system, that helped us so much. We never ended up making more tulpas, not intentionally anyway, and it's questionable wether new members who form are forming in an accidental tulpa way or in an inherent system splitting way so we really havnt gotten to the point we can look at that objectively since we still have things we need to work out and understand better...