#this is just nice to know. saw some adult person in the mirror trimming our bangs. there they are for a moment! inside us growing

[ojirocardigansniper]

just saw an actual adult human body in the mirror for the first time age 24 lets gooooooooo . crawling out of eternal teenage girl selfimage dysphoria prison one day at a time!!!!!!

[vfdbaudelairefile13]

Misery Loves Company part 1

Chapter Twenty-Four [part one]:

The One Where Mr. Poe Finally Sees the Truth

 

“What is all this?” Mr. Poe asked turning his attention to Klaus who set Stephano’s suitcase on Uncle Monty’s desk. 

“Evidence, which we found in Stephano’s suitcase,” Klaus replied.

“My suitcase is private property, which you are not allowed to touch. It’s very rude of you, and besides it was locked.”

“You’re right, it was locked but Sunny picked the lock,” Klaus said as Sunny clapped her hands and stuck her tongue out at Stephano.

“Sunny, is that true?” Mr. Poe asked looking down at the infant.

“Fuck yeah!” Sunny yelled nodding.

“It was an emergency,” Klaus said.

“Nice girls shouldn’t know how to do that sort of thing,”

“That’s what I said,” Stephano muttered.

“My sister is a nice girl and she can do all sorts of things,” 

“We’ll discuss this later,” Mr. Poe said between coughs, “Please continue,”

“When Uncle Monty died, Sunny and I were very sad, but we were also very suspicious…” Klaus began as Sunny shook her head.

“Malum!” Sunny shrieked, which meant, “We weren’t suspicious! If someone is suspicious, it means they’re unsure! We were positive that Stephano killed him!”

Klaus nodded at her. “Pardon me, Sunny’s right. We weren’t suspicious because we knew for a fucking fact that Stephano killed our uncle!” 

“Nonsense!” Dr. Lucafont said, “ As I explained to all of you, Montgomery Montgomery’s death was an accident. I found venom in his veins!”

“And like we told you that you may have found venom in his veins, I’m not denying that . But what I am disproving is that the Mamba Du Mal bit him because...it didn’t.” Klaus said.

“But there were bite marks on his cheek clearly from a snake,” Dr. Lucafont replied.

“That stumped me, too. That’s why we decided to search Stephano’s suitcase. We knew he wasn’t dumb enough to leave any evidence behind. That’s when I found these.”

“But that’s nothing! It’s my random junk collection, which is private property, illegally obtained and therefore not admissible in court.” Stephano said.

“Quisquiliae!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “Well, you’re not wrong...this is mainly junk. But that’s when we noticed this !” As Klaus translated for his sister, he held up a glass vial.

“Uncle Monty told us that he keeps venom samples in his cabinet from every venomous snake known to man,” Klaus stated. 

“Femina!” Sunny added.

Klaus smiled down at Sunny, “...and woman,” 

“Mr. Poe, we believe if you open that cabinet right there, you will find a sample is missing,” Klaus said pointing to the venom vial cabinet.

“There’s an empty spot on the shelf. The label says “Mamba Du Mal”,” 

Klaus opened up the book once more and read aloud, “The Mamba Du Mal is one of the deadliest snakes in the hemisphere, known for its powerful venom…”

“Then it’s obvious, the Mamba Du Mal got out of its cage, stole a vial of its own venom, and murdered Dr. Montgomery in cold blood,” Stephano commented interrupting Klaus.

“Ah-ha! Wait, that’s ridiculous…” Mr. Poe said.

“But...but...but the bite marks…” Stephano tried.

“Mordere!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “Aren’t bite marks at all, jackass. I can show you what real bite marks look like!” Klaus translated as Sunny glared at Stephano showing off her teeth. 

“See, when we first saw these items, we weren’t sure how they fit together. But thanks to a helpful herpetologist, who concentrated on each item as if they were parts of a machine and that’s when he realized they fit together.” Klaus said as he lifted the put together object. “Lady and Gentlemen, the murder weapon!”

“Incredible! Astounding!” Dr. Lucafont commented as Stephano glared at him. 

“Now, if I’m correct, Stephano used this double-barrel syringe to inject the venom into Uncle Monty, to simulate the double puncture marks of a snake. Then he disassembled it to hide the evidence.” Klaus said placing the weapon down.

“But I loved Dr. Montgomery. What motive would I possibly have to murder him?”

“Fortunae!” Sunny chimed in, which probably meant, “You’re after the fucking Baudelaire fortune!” Klaus translated for his sister. 

“When I turn eighteen, as we all know,” Klaus continued explaining just in case Mr. Poe and Dr. Lucafont still didn’t get it. “I will inherit the Baudelaire fortune, and Stephano intended to get that fortune for himself. It would be easier to do so if we were in a location that has lax guardianship laws and where crimes are much harder to trace, such as Peru. That’s why he kept trying to get us alone with him, he planned on kidnapping Sunny and I and whisking us away to Peru to do who knows what to us!” 

“Tessera?” Sunny asked her brother, which meant, “But...Monty ripped Stephano’s ticket...we saw him…?”

Klaus frowned and sighed. “You’re right, Sunny. Monty did rip Stephano’s ticket to Peru. Which is why he had to get Uncle Monty out of the way. He killed Uncle Monty…” he shuddered but continued, “He killed Uncle Monty, and took his laminated card for the Herpetological Society. He planned to pose as Uncle Monty to get on board the Prospero, and whisk us away to Peru where he can somehow gain our money.” Sunny nodded at Klaus’ explanation to the one part of Stephano’s plan that she didn’t fully understand. 

“But I don’t understand,” Mr. Poe said.

“Mirum,” Sunny said rolling her eyes, this meant, “Shocker.”

“How would Stephano even know about the Baudelaire fortune?” Mr. Poe asked.

Before Klaus could answer his question, Stephano said, “I thought they were penniless orphans. They certainly dress like penniless orphans.”

“That’s because everything we owned burned up in a fire...but you already knew that,” Klaus said.

“How would he know that?” Mr. Poe asked like the dumbass that he is.

Klaus rolled his eyes at Mr. Poe and sighed. “Like we’ve told you... a thousand fucking times because he’s Count Olaf!” Klaus yelled angrily. “He may have shaved his head, and trimmed off his eyebrow, but the only way he could get rid of that God awful tattoo on his left ankle was with this powder puff and a hand mirror. There’s makeup all over his left ankle, to hide his tattoo! I bet if we rub it with some kind of cloth we can see his tattoo!” 

Stephano glared at Klaus with shiny, shiny eyes. “The kid detective thing is cute, but we have already dismissed that theory!”

“We’ll see about that,” Mr. Poe comments, “Now, who has a cloth?”

“Not me,” Klaus said.

“Guweel!” Sunny said.

“Well, if nobody has a cloth, we might as well forget the whole thing,” Dr. Lucafont said, but Mr. Poe held up his finger to tell him to wait. To the relief of Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire, he reached into his pocket and withdrew his handkerchief.

“Your left ankle, sir.” 

“Don’t come near me with that thing! You’ve been coughing germs into it all day!” Stephano yelled.

“Oh, if you’re really who these children say you are, then germs are the least of your problems. Your left ankle, please.”

He glanced first at Sunny and then at Klaus giving both children an evil smirk. “...if you insist,” Stephano lifted his left ankle on to Monty’s desk and Mr. Poe used the disgusting handkerchief to rub off the makeup that covered his tattoo. 

“For the first time in my life, I”m happy to see that awful tattoo,” Klaus said smiling as Sunny nodded.

“That’s the eye, all right,” Mr. Poe said and stopped rubbing Count Olaf’s ankle. “You are most definitely Count Olaf, and you are most definitely under arrest.”

“And I am most definitely shocked,” Dr. Lucafont said, clapping his oddly solid hands to his head. 

“As am I,” Mr. Poe said, “Klaus, Sunny, please forgive me for not believing you earlier. It just seemed too far-fetched that he would have searched you out, disguise  himself, and concoct an elaborate plan to steal your fortune.”

“Bravo, children.” Count Olaf said in a tone so cold and chilling that Klaus began to shake. He stepped in front of Sunny. “Yes, I admit it. I killed Monty. I also killed his assistant, Gustav. I shot him with a poison dart and watched as he drowned in the Swarthy Swamp. Then I forged a note saying he quit.” Count Olaf looked at the two children as if he were going to run over and stranger but instead he stood absolutely still, which somehow was even scarier. “But that’s nothing compared to what I will do to you , orphans. You have won this round of our little game, but…” The wicked man smiled at Mr. Poe and then at the Baudelaire orphans. “The question is...what are you going to do about it?” he asked Mr. Poe.

Mr. Poe backed up into a bookcase, “I’m going to send you to jail for a very long time,” He looked at Dr. Lucafont. “Arrest this man!”

Dr. Lucafont looked at Mr. Poe confused, “Sir, I’m a doctor, not a police officer. I don’t really have any jurisdiction.”

“Oh,” Mr. Poe said, “Oh dear.”

And instead of killing Mr. Poe like any normal person would, Olaf simply pushed him out of his way as he walked towards Klaus and Sunny. Klaus using his foot as gently as he could scooted Sunny under Dr. Montgomery’s desk and pushed the chair in as much as he could as to not hurt his sister. Sunny protested to this but Klaus kept his foot in place to keep the chair in place. 

“Now if you don’t mind,” Olaf said as he grabbed Klaus roughly by the shoulders, “I’ll be taking the boy with me.” 

Klaus struggled but Olaf’s grip on his shoulders only got tighter, eventually becoming tight enough where it was hurting Klaus’ already injured shoulder. Klaus looked to Mr. Poe and Dr. Lucafont for help but neither adult moved to help him. Klaus looked around the room desperately for Kronk but to his horror, the kind man was nowhere to be found.

“Let’s go, brat. We can still catch that boat,” Olaf said as he shoved Klaus forward. Suddenly, a loud screeching hiss could be heard behind Olaf. “That’s just the screeching iguana clock,” Olaf muttered looking at Dr. Lucafont’s terrified expression. 

“Ummm...boss,” the doctor whispered and with his odd stiff hand, he pointed behind Olaf. Olaf and Klaus slowly turned around to see that the Incredibly Deadly Viper was now in Olaf’s face glaring at him with his green, shiny eyes. Before he could even react, the snake slithered around both of Olaf’s hands effectively making him release Klaus. Klaus backed up to where his sister was to protect her as they both watched in awe as Ink continued to try and tie Olaf with its body, all the while trying to bite him for hurting his friends.

“Go Ink!” Sunny chanted. Finally, Dr. Lucafont grabbed Olaf and pinned his arms behind his back. 

“...I’ll take it from here. I can drive Stephano in my car to the police station,” Dr. Lucafont said. 

“Well, why don’t we just call the police and the children can ride with you in your car. I’d hate to disappoint the kids after they’ve had such a trying time.” Mr. Poe said.

“We couldn’t care less about the inside of doctor’s automobile,” Klaus said impatiently. “We only made that up so we wouldn’t be trapped alone with Count Olaf.”

“Now, now, you shouldn’t tell lies, orphans,” Olaf said.

“Fuck you!” Sunny yelled.

“I don’t think you are in a position to give moral lectures to anyone, Olaf.” Klaus comments.

“All right, Dr. Lucafont, take him away.” Mr. Poe said.

Dr. Lucafont released his grip on Olaf’s arms and grabbed Olaf’s shoulder with one of his oddly stiff hands, and shoved him the way that Olaf had shoved Klaus. Dr. Lucafont stopped at the door of the Reptile Room and gave the children a thin smile. “Say goodbye to the orphans, Olaf.” 

“Goodbye, orphans,” he said in a chilling tone.

“Goodbye, fucker,” Klaus replied.

Mr. Poe coughed into his handkerchief and gave a sort of disgusted half-wave at Olaf, indicating goodbye. But Sunny didn’t say anything. Klaus looked down at her surprised that she hadn’t said, “Yeet!” which was one of her ways to say goodbye. But Sunny was still staring at Dr. Lucafont with a determined look in her eye, and in a moment she had leaped into the air and bitten him on the hand. 

“Sunny!” Klaus said and was about to apologize for his sister’s behavior until he saw Dr. Lucafont’s whole hand come loose from his arm and fall to the floor. As Sunny clamped down on it with her four sharp teeth, the hand made a crackling sound, like a breaking wood or plastic rather than skin or bone. And when Klaus looked at the place where Dr. Lucafont’s hand had been, he saw no blood or indication of a wound, but a shiny, metal hook. Dr. Lucafont looked at the hook, too, and then at Klaus, and grinned horribly. Count Olaf grinned too, and in a second the two darted out the door.

“The hook-handed man!” Klaus shouted, “He’s not a doctor! He’s one of Olaf’s henchmen!” Instinctively, Klaus grabbed the air where the two men had been standing, but of course, they weren’t standing there anymore. 

“Fugent!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “Let’s chase after him!” 

Klaus quickly lifted Sunny into his arms and ran after the dangerous men. 

“Make sure they follow you,” Olaf said to his henchman. 

“Where are you going, boss?”

“...International waters,” he said turning and heading towards Monty’s maze. 

“Count Olaf is driving away!” Klaus yelled as he watched the ‘doctor’s automobile’ driving away.

“No!” Sunny yelled pointing towards the maze. “Maze!” 

Klaus sighed but ran quickly following Olaf into the maze. Both Baudelaires didn’t know what they would do if they were to catch Olaf but at this point, they didn’t give a damn. 

“Pu tilps!” Sunny suggested, which meant, “If we split up, we can cut him off!” 

Klaus just shook his head and started walking further. He refused to split up from his sister. He held her tight and finally reached the middle of the maze. 

“It’s a dead end...no...that’s impossible.” Klaus cried.

“Ecarter?” Sunny asked, which meant, “Can we retrace our steps?”

“ What’s the point!?” Klaus cried as he fell to the ground. “It’s all wrong! Count Olaf escaped! Uncle Monty is dead! We never got to go to Peru or say goodbye! Or ask him about this!”

“Huh?” Sunny asked confused as Klaus took out Monty’s expedition journal and removed the ticket stub that he used as a bookmark. 

“This is Monty’s handwriting...he must have copied it down during the movie.” Klaus said, “I’m not sure how...but he got a message. He must have some secret way to receive it.” He removed the half of the spyglass that he had been holding on to. “He used this…”

“A good labyrinth is full of secrets,” a woman’s voice said from behind them.

Klaus held his sister closer to him, “who are you? Why are you dressed as a statue?”

“Both excellent questions, Klaus Baudelaire. Although, they’re the wrong questions.”

“You’re that actress from the strange zombie movie…” Klaus said absentmindedly.

“Recep!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “You work for Mr. Poe,” Klaus translated for his sister.

“It’s more a volunteer position. I’m sorry I was unable to help your uncle, but I can still bring Olaf to justice,” Jacquelyn said as she began to show them the way out of the maze.

“Uncle Monty had a spyglass like this. What was he trying to tell us? What’s in Peru?”

“Forget Peru, Baudelaires. It’s been compromised,” she replied.

“Who sent him the message? Who was that man who helped us? Where’d he go? Do you work with him?” Klaus asked.

“I know you both have a great many questions, and I promised there are a great many answers. Find your Aunt Josephine. She’s a fierce and formidable woman. She can keep you safe and tell you everything you need to know. Let me handle Olaf.” They arrived at the beginning of the maze, she smiled at both children as she ran back into the labyrinth in hopes of catching up to Olaf. I wish I could inform you that my research indicates that Miss Jacquelyn was able to reach Olaf...but, unfortunately, she was unable to capture him. I can inform that she was left unharmed for Olaf was no match for her. 

When the Baudelaires got back to the front of Monty’s house, they were confused to find a different man, who wasn’t Kronk, taking Monty’s reptiles away. “Wait, what’s happening?” Klaus asked as Sunny looked distressed.

“Apparently, that ‘Kronk’ fellow was not a member of the Herpetological Society. This man, Bruce, is here to actually retrieve Monty’s collection and send them to other scientists, zoos, and retirement homes, where their caretakers won’t die on them.” Mr. Poe answered.

“But they’re Uncle Monty’s collection! It took him years to find all these reptiles! You can’t just scatter them to the winds!” Klaus shouted and Sunny nodded her head in agreement.

“It’s the way it has to be,” Mr. Poe said.

“Viper!” Sunny shouted and Klaus walked towards Bruce.