#this is just bc my brain likes ‘what ifs’ and i’m in a mess of different triggers and what-ifs right now

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

had a dream a few days ago that was basically just my brain foreshadowing an upcoming breakdown and yeah i knew something was gonna happen and at least i know bc of the dream how it’s gonna go but also i think it’s really funny that my brain did it via jason todd

[fairyhaos]

✰ seventeen as boyfriends: jeonghan edition

event taglist (send ask to be added): @rubywonu @cinnamoroxie @belladaises @wheeboo @minhui896 @slytherinshua @kokoiinuts @jun-of-love @dandycharmer

pairing: jeonghan x gn!reader

genre: fluff, headcanons, mini scenario

word count: 531

warnings: one curse word

notes: jeonghan edn. for the 500 event

so, so sweet and soft

the most attentive. is always keeping an eye on you to make sure you’re okay, even if it looks like he’s absorbed in the most nonsensical conversation in the world with seungkwan

it's all an act, bc he's actually paying The Most attention to you, always

that bf who puts his hand over a table corner/ the top of a frame when you’re ducking under it so you don’t hit your head against it. does it almost without thinking i swear

also a teasing lil shit tho like

reminds you every other month of the way you used to be a stuttering mess around him back when you didn’t know each other well and he was just your crush

wiggles his eyebrows all annoying and mimics your voice in a ridiculous pitch as he pretends to be a flustered you

gets hit over the head with your hands/ a pillow/ anything within reach every single time

also: he pretends that he wouldn’t, but jeonghan would do absolutely anything for you.

yields in practically every game if he’s playing against you and you want to win really badly. sacrifices going to see his favourite things first when on holiday if it means he gets to follow you around as you’re bouncing on the balls of your feet, the grin wide on your face

it’s not like he’s doing nothing that he wants, bc you still go to the beach w him and watch the puppet shows he wants to, but there’s something so much more gratifying about watching your face positively aglow with joy.

“Jeonghan. Jeonghan.”

“Shh, I’m sleeping,” Jeonghan mumbles, trying to bury his face into the pillows. It’s late at night, and you’ve been poking him for god knows how many minutes straight, and he loves you but he also really loves his sleep. “What is it?”

“I just want to know something,” you say, and your voice is clear and awake, making him roll over to squint at you blearily.

“What?”

You shrug, and even in the darkness, your thoughtful expression is visible. He knows that this either means you’re going to spout utter nonsense or something incredibly meaningful. “I just wondered what would happen if we’d just stayed as friends.”

Jeonghan leans his head back, looking up at you as you prop yourself up onto your elbows on the mattress. “Why are you thinking about that?”

“Dunno,” you reply. “Just… what would have happened if, rather than accepting my confession, you’d just rejected me?”

Jeonghan furrows his eyebrows. Even in his sleep-addled brain, that didn’t sound right. “I would never have done that.”

“Yeah, but what if?”

“There’s no what if,” he says, and tugs you back down so you’re lying next to him again. “Don’t say weird things. I wanna sleep.”

You don’t protest as he wrangles you around so you're facing him, his chin resting on the top of your head, arms around you under the duvets. “But what—”

“No what ifs, love,” he says, and his voice gets blurrier as he slips into sleep again, with you safe and secure in his arms. “I was always going to love you.”

[sofia-comet]

Shut up

pairing: ushijima wakatoshi x reader (any gender!!)

genre: fluff, friends to lovers i guess

length: 1.7k words

omg hello this is my first time writing something shdfhsdfg so this oneshot was inspired by one of my favorite songs, Shut Up by Greyson Chance! also bc i wanted something to help me cope with stress and idk writing something seemed like the best way possible. unbeta-ed but who cares! 

I cannot hold my tongue, you give me much to say

The first time you met Ushijima Wakatoshi was when your family moved in next door. You were unable to help out with the moving boxes so you decided to walk around the neighborhood. You caught him playing volleyball with a man that appeared to be his father.

The man asked if you wanted to play with his son and you agreed. For the rest of the day, the boy taught you volleyball with as little words as possible. It was mostly you in the conversation -- asking him questions and repeating his instructions as he nodded all throughout. His father couldn’t help but smile as his quiet and shy son made a new friend.

For the rest of your childhood you were hanging out with him. You were the most talkative person ever. You never ran out of things while he would look at you and either nod or shake his head. You didn’t mind his silence as long as you know he understood every word you said.

Although there are times when you would be taken aback at how much he remembered the things you’ve said. One day he gave you your favorite flower, the next was a drawing of a butterfly in your favorite color, and whenever you got sick, he would visit you with a snack that you loved the most.

He knew so much about you, yet you only knew little about him. It was your main worry that you could count on your fingers about the things he liked. He likes volleyball, Hayashi rice, the volleyball ace in his dad’s stories, Vabo-chan, drawing, taking care of plants, and -- what else?

One time, both of you were resting under the tree after playing volleyball and a finished session of rambling about life, you asked him, “Wakatoshi-chan, what is your most favorite thing in the world?”

He faced you, staring at your eyes, and all he could say was “You.”

=====

I’m sweating bullets, nervous that you’ll push away

You developed your first crush right before first year of high school started. It was finally decided that you were allowed to move into Shiratorizawa Academy and live in the dorms, and the crush in question helped you with the packing and moving. His name was Ushijima Wakatoshi.

It happened on a whim, really. You realized that the both of you were growing up. His body and facial features were maturing, and you knew that he was growing up to be a handsome young man.

You both agreed to help each other unpack first in your dorm then his after. You couldn’t help but feel so anxious because it was your first time living away from your parents and on top of that, Shiratorizawa’s high academic standards were something you have to uphold. When the pressure gets to you too much, you tend to spout out a lot of “what ifs.”

But it was Wakatoshi to the rescue. He stood close in front of you and held both of your shoulders, which made you pause and look up to him. Huh, since when did he get so tall?

“You’ll be okay. I’m here”

And suddenly those five words washed the nerves away. You closed the distance between you two and wrapped your arms around him. This is nothing new, you say to yourself, and he followed by enveloping his strong arms around you, but why do I feel a new kind of anxiety?

You stayed in each other's arms for a few minutes. You let the rise and fall of his chest relax you right now. High school is going to be alright if it’s with him, but at the same time, high school isn’t going to be alright with him either as your platonic feelings for him bloomed into something else.

“Say, Wakatoshi-chan,” you asked out of the blue, and you felt his chest vibrate as he hummed in response. “I know I’m very talkative and I always tell you to stop when it gets too much. Well...a-am I still annoying to you?”

Until now, you still fear the day when he stops being your friend and finally decides that you were being too annoying. Because of him and your feelings for him, you became too self-conscious.

You retracted from him, but his arms still held firm around you. You tilted your head up to meet his olive green eyes with yours, staring at him with anticipation. With his left hand -- the hand that his father fought for, the hand that helped him unleash his strength, the hand that proved him to be different -- gently moved from your back to hold the back of your head. He pulled you back into his chest and held you tighter than before.

Still on his chest, you felt him shaking his head.

And when your eyes catch mine, I know I talk too much

=====

You have fallen hard for Ushijima Wakatoshi. You actually had planned to confess to him, but his serious and stoic nature made it hard to recognize his true feelings for you.

Three years have passed. You and your childhood friend are in your final year of high school.

You know that he will go pro after high school. The loss of his team against Karasuno only fueled his passion for the sport even more. He constantly wanted to improve and one day stand on the national stage again.

And you? Well, you wanted to get into one of Japan’s top universities at least. It won’t be easy, but you had the support from your friends and family. That familiar feeling has once again come back, fresh as the day as when you had to prepare for high school. The uncertainty of the future coupled with the feelings for the man you liked for years that are getting nowhere were adding to the weight on your shoulders.

It became harder to sleep as the end of your high school life approached. The time on your phone flashed 2 am and you texted him about meeting up at the nearby convenience store. You knew how sleeping on time and waking up on time mattered to him, but it came to your surprise when he replied with an “okay, see you there.”

Leaning on the wall at the side of the convenience store alone, you saw him approaching you. You could not help but notice how eye candy he was in his joggers and plain t-shirt. The darkness helped conceal the blush formed on your cheeks.

He leaned on the wall next to you and you both stood there in silence. Your heart was beating louder than your thoughts at that point, but at the same time you felt relaxed because his presence simply helped you forget the weight you’re carrying. How does this man make you nervous yet bring you comfort at the same time?

“So uh, Wakatoshi,” you started. “We’ll be graduating soon.” He huffed in reply. You looked at the moon, because the man next to you would only distract your thoughts.

“To be honest, I don’t really have concrete plans for my future as long as I get into some university. I’m fine with any degree as long as it gets me somewhere, you know? And for you, you know what you want. You’re gonna go pro and I’m so proud of you. I’ll be supporting you all the way, just as what I’ve been doing in your matches in the past years.” You didn’t notice him inching closer to you as you continued your monologue.

The moon, in all its hypnotic glory, made you believe you were talking to it; it was you and the moon at that moment. “We have been together like, all the time. I wonder why you haven’t grown tired of me yet honestly. And this is the first time we’ll be apart...after high school I mean. I’ll forever cherish these moments and whenever I miss you I’ll think about all the times we’ve had together. I can’t help it if you were such a constant presence in my life.

“I just wanna say, thank you, for everything. I can’t list them down, that would take me years! Even if we can’t see each other a lot, I really don’t want us to grow apart, that’s all I’m asking for. But I completely understand if you don’t like me...I know I’m too much at times so I don’t know how you put up with me so, I’m sorry. God, I get too self-conscious at times… I know you mean well and that I should trust you more but... What doesn’t help is that I like you so mu--” You stopped. What? You punished your own mouth for moving faster than your brain.

You broke your gaze at the moon to face the man next to you. Your eyes widened because he stood closer to you than earlier. His olive eyes pierced you and with one look they told you to stop putting your focus at the rock in the sky. “Wakatoshi? I… w-well… Wow! What did I say?” You were laughing and shaking at that point. Did I have caffeine today? Your eyes were everywhere except his. He placed his left hand on your chin to tilt your head up and look back at his face. You drank in his olive orbs and handsome face, making sure this moment etched in your mind forever. 

In his eyes you were the most beautiful thing he has ever seen, even if you were a blushing mess.

“What I mean t-to say is, uhh... yes, I do like you. A lot. Not just as your closest friend, but as something more than that. I’ve fallen for you, Wakato-” For the first time in your friendship, he has cut you off from your words by pressing his own lips with yours. This was the first time he shut you up from your ramblings rather than give a single nod or a few words in reply. This was the first time he rendered you speechless.

Your arms snaked around his neck as you kissed him back. It was innocent and chaste, and it reminded you of the day he declared that you were his favorite thing.  You still were.

And in that kiss, was when Ushijima Wakatoshi showed something that spoke more words than you have ever said to him in all these years together.

So give me your two lips, and baby I’ll shut up.

[mallowstep]

I wanna hear about the PO3 au's the anon left out! skyclan, loner, po5. Im guessing loner is Crow/Leaf raising the 3 outside of the clans. I love hearing you talk about your au's!

aww thanks! okay, same plan as before, details below the cut.

skyclan po3: it's, uh, pretty on the nose. crow and leaf run to skyclan with their kits.

loner po3: this is a catch-all term for three aus with similar premises, but i don't have a clear/short title to differentiate them. one is leafcrow, one is mothpool, and one is just leafpool. i'll talk about each of them.

po5: this is my internal name for the jaywing au. this, if you don't remember (and why would you), is a bit of a parallel to the dovefeather/med cat dovewing au where jaykit and dovekit are siblings.

skyclan po3: "they move on tracks of never-ending light" (title song)

the au title for this in my notes was "whitewater," but i think i'm going to save something else for that. (if you're confused why i have two titles for all of the aus: when i make a big au, it usually gets a temporary title that's short and easy to search, but i replace it with a permanent title later. sometimes they stay the same, like ashes, but usually i change it.)

so my only notes on this is

crowfeather and leafpool make it all the way to skyclan with a trio of newborn kits.

and like yeah, that's basically all i've figured out.

uhhh i know skyclan will come to the lake sooner, obviously, and i know that jay's character arc plays out really differently because there's less ableism.

(even in the windclan au, jay is intertwined with ableism: in that case, it's "either you're the same, or you're not capable." but leafstar is a sensible leader who doesn't have that problem.)

otherwise, yeah, i don't really know where i'm going with this, other than i think it'll be fun to explore, since leafpool is firestar's daughter and named after leafstar.

loner po3: the common thread in all of these is what happens to thunderclan's medicine cat after leafpool leaves?

(tbf, that's a common question in quite a few aus. but it makes itself a central conflict in these three.)

loner po3 I: leafcrow. "on and on we run in loops"

uh, yeah. they run away, and stay away. this one isn't supposed to focus on the kits that much, but rather, leafpool's struggle with duty and desire.

i've got this:

“There’s a loner,” the kittypet said, her voice languid, claws extended, but with an air of ease, “named Leaf. She’s been helping out loners for, oh, a season or two.”

as a quote from it. it's my least favorite of the loner po3 aus.

loner po3 II: single mom leafpool. "between us, i'd trade you for them every time"

i've talked about this one actually quite a bit, but it's probably going to take me a while to write it. it's inspired by "butterflies and hurricanes," but instead of leafpool dying, crowfeather dies.

also, the chapter titles come from "marjorie" which is basically 90% of why it's going to take me a while to work on it, that song makes me cry a lot and uh, things are a lil Much right now.

i've got a few scenes sketched out, from holly running away, and leafpool panicking, to leafpool worrying about bringing her kits to thunderclan.

loner po3 III: mothpool. "to make a choice in all this mess"

this is the au competing with divided po3 for next po3 au to write, and i'm...i love it. (as a note, i won't write two aus for the same time period at the same time. that's why i was waiting to finish wfmisus before i got back on doahins. now it's all messy. but i get confused lmao.)

anyway, i have the least written for this, but i'm very excited. in my first warriors fic ever, "if you love me any, let me know it now", leafpool thinks this:

(Leafpool should have left. She should have found Mothwing and told her and left. Maybe pause to say goodbye to Squirrelflight. Mothwing would have gone with her, and things would be alright. Not like they are now, all tangled and impossible.)

and well. i'm weak.

i don't have a ton of concrete stuff to say about it, especially considering it's so high on the list, but i mean, i'm excited.

po5: "wing and feather"

alright, this is an old one. since it's also high on my list, i want to explain where it came from rather than what it's about, because that will cover what it's about in a broad sense, without tempting me to give away the details.

(also, w&f is a working title. much like "feather take flight," i may change my mind.)

anyway. i started getting into warriors with "cloudtail's daughter," an au where dovewing and ivypool are brightheart's kits.

in a post so old i had to go to my main blog to find it, i said this:

i also want him to be dovewing’s brother. but the au where brightheart gives birth to dovekit, anxiety child, and jaykit, blind, and feels like a failure despite the fact that its not like her half-blindness is genetic, is not this au. that is another au.

and the seeds were planted.

so right, i'm writing up ctd around when i'm first reading "flightless dove, poison ivy," which will go on to inspire dovefeather (med cat dovewing au, but as you'll see, dovefeather is the assigned working au name. after i decided i didn't like feather take flight, i reverted back to its initial working title, dovefeather.)

so i've got these two things rolling around in my brain.

dovefeather comes first, because i reread fdpi so many times and i just. i want dovepaw to stay in riverclan. i don't want her to leave. i want her to be happy. (also please! i'm still finishing ch 2 of fdpi no spoilers it's taking me embarassingly long to finish.)

but anyway, consider this a bonus au talk because explaining what po5 is, imo, requires me explaining what dovefeather is. like, in an au talk scenario. they're unrelated aus, from a reader perspective.

so i come up with this list of "things i want to be different in oots":

dovewing should be cloudtail's daughter

dovewing and jayfeather should be siblings

dovewing should be a medicine cat

dovewing should go to riverclan

ivypool should be the fourth cat (but i'm not revealing which aus this applies to bc big time spoilers)

and this creates a bit of an au matrix. pick and choose, you know? ctd is (1).

dovefeather is (3) and (4).

but i still wanted (2), and so it seemed pretty natural to make a (1), (2), and (3) au.

but that's a retrospective analysis, what really happens is, i get like fourteen "what ifs" deep, until i'm writing fic for my fic for someone else's fic. kind of.

dovefeather diverges pretty sharply from fdpi, especially based on what i've read of ch2. it takes the same core idea, and because my idea of riverclan was inspired by fdpi, there are plenty of similarities, but i think it's functionally very different, and superficially similar.

(also, hollowflight ends up in a completely different trio lmao dovepaw hangs out with rushpaw, troutpaw, and mossypaw.)

but anyway, i'm trying not to write another au of the same time period, but i just finished writing out the full outline for ashes, and the next chapter (i.e., ch 12, which i'm hopefully posting today if all goes well) gets me thinking, and i can't let it go: i want (2) to happen.

so i look at my outline for dovefeather, because the rule is, it has to be very different from this.

since dovefeather is like 70% drafted (altho that number seems low, because i suspect i'm going to end up adding a lot into the fourth chapter), i now know that was never going to be an issue, but at the time, i was very worried.

so i was like! well, that means i'm going to fuck with every part of po3, and we're going to get ivypaw and hollypaw roped in, and jaypaw is always going to be a warrior, and i think i made squilf his mentor? or maybe sandstorm lmao.

either way, it ended up being defined by jaypaw, which i didn't initially plan on. but that's po5: squilf's litter lionkit, hollykit, ivykit & brightheart's litter dovekit and jaykit grow up together.

it's got a similar vibe to ashes IMO.

okay wow that ended up being a lot i've been hyperfocusing on dovefeather all weekend, and in my head, it's inextricably linked to ashes, ctd, and jaywing/po5, so uh. yeah.

hope this was what you were looking for?

<3

[kirkwallgremlin]

1 & 11 ☺️

asks from here

1: Is writing cathartic or stressful for you?

Super cathartic tbh. I really enjoy it and its honestly one of my main hobbies, I feel like I tend to write more than I do stuff like play video games these days <3 There are times when it's stressful (for example I've been begging my brain to finish the next chapter of the mage carver fic for weeks now) but overall its v. positive and tbh there's been more than a few times when I've been in a Mood™ and ended up being like ok what can I write to deal with whatever emotion this is.

11: Which OC of yours do you think is the most similar to you? Which OC is the most different? Why?

This is a hard one bc I feel like when I make ocs, its like ok you can have this me trait and then what can I give you to make you different from me too? The ones that I feel reflect parts of more more than others though are:

Avery Trevelyan who originally started with a personality most based on mine, even if it changed a bit over time, and also got my sexuality and general attitude towards relationships.

Frankie Brosca who got my asexuality at a time when I was very much processing how I felt about that and being proud and open about that. But she's also much more confident, stubborn and much more likely to hold a grudge than I am.

Eila who got my gender stuff and also when I'm like "I want a Carver hug :((" I cant have one but SHE can in my brain >:) But she's also much much more outgoing and loud than I am, personality wise we're complete opposites.

Gilly Lavellan who got my anxiety and insecurities, although hers is probably worse than mine.

Most different is probably Thaddeus Amell or Flora Cadash. Thaddeus is a huge himbo and Flora is just a chaotic mess. They're both much more likely to be like "I wonder what would happen if I did this" and before they can finish the thought, they're already trying while I overthink literally everything and stress about the what ifs.

[loseyoutoloveme]

can you do a rundown/review of every song on folklore like you've done for selena? and what your current top 5 are??

considering this is officially one of my top 3 favourite albums ever i’m v happy to 😌! warning, absolutely every single song will be ranked 10/10

thank for wanting to know my thoughts :( i can’t believe anybody would volunteer to read this JDNSKSDJKDS

first of all, my top 5 is probbbbably gonna change (maybe not tho bc my lover top 5 hasn’t really changed a lot), but for now, i think it’s: august > seven > mad woman > illicit affairs > mirrorball

THE 1:

ngl my very first thought was that it reminded me of same love by macklemore skdjdskjdskjsd but not in a bad way!

literally some of the prettiest lyrics, i knew just from this song that this would top red as her best lyrically (best album in general)

honestly just rly sad and sweet and one of those songs that has such a universal sound i feel?

also the simplest song of the album lyrically (also not in a bad way, just like objectively this is the easiest subject matter on the album with the least opaque lyrics), so a really good opener

best lyrics: “we never painted by the numbers baby but we were making it count/you know the greatest loves of all time are over now” and “we were something don’t you think so/roaring twenties tossing pennies in the pool/and it my wishes came true it would’ve been you”

a cute girl, 10/10

CARDIGAN:

i was surprised by the darkish sound of this one

idk what that like clanking sound in the background is but i find it a lil distracting in the first half of the song - but if i ever find out what it is and it has some symbolic meaning/purpose for being there (i assume it does) i’ll accept it sdjknsd

i love the nostalgia that is so present in like almost every song on this album :(

also the music video is stunning and frames the entire album in the most interesting way, metaphor-wise

best lyrics: “i knew you’d linger like a tattoo kiss/knew you’d haunt all of my what-ifs/the smell of smoke would hang around this long/cause i knew everything when i was young/i knew i’d curse you for the longest time/chasin’ shadows in the grocery line/i knew you’d miss me when the thrill expired/and you’d be standing in my front porch light/and i knew you’d come back to me”

10/10

THE LAST GREAT AMERICAN DYNASTY:

love this one bc it’s like a nice lil exhale in an album filled with angst, like it’s cute and boppy without being aggressive

i’m suddenly absolutely obsessed with rebekah harkness, particularly the “bitch pack” thing and her dyeing someone’s dog green

i love taylor’s storytelling and i love how that’s always been a big part of her approach to songwriting. this is taylor at her best narration, like starlight but so much better. this is a type of songwriting that is so underused these days, esp by mainstream artists and i love so much that she has always used it and been so invested in it

the pronoun change made me screech. sooo goooood

taylor’s obv a deeply autobiographical artist which is why it’s so incredible to hear her tell OTHER people’s stories and somehow make them so her own. like i think it’s mostly the english major in me that just gets so emotional over that...... the way that other people’s stories became our own through the way we tell them......

this song is def the one that is most explicit about the album’s theme of telling stories but ones that tell something about her (and about her listeners too), by switching to personal pronouns at the end. it sets up a pattern for the rest of the album, where each song is about one thing (the actual story she’s telling) but also about a bunch of other things.

a good example of why she’s the greatest songwriter of this generation

best lyrics: “there goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen/she had a marvelous time ruining everything”

10/10

EXILE:

bon iver’s voice was a full shock to the system the first time i listened and idk why sdkjnds it is just so deep and i was not at all expecting it esp after the cuteness of tlgad

anyway these lyrics are GORGEOUS

i love a duet where the 2 singers’ lyrics are meant to be directed at each other. is there a word for that type of duet idk but it always makes a duet infinitely better

the miscommunication exemplified in the bridge...... chef’s kiss heartbreaking

out of all the songs this is the one that makes me feel the most like i am in the middle of a forest in winter. i can already picture myself listening to this song in december with the sound of a crackling fire in the background mmmmmmmm my exact vibe

best lyrics: “you’re not my homeland anymore/so who am i defending now?/you were my town, now i’m in exile seeing you out” and “i’m not your problem anymore/so who am i offending now?”

10/10

MY TEARS RICOCHET:

this chorus BRRROOOOKE ME

writing songs presumably about the masters situation and framing them as breakup songs was absolutely galaxy brain

i feel like the image of tears ricocheting has like a million layers to it and is just suuuuch a smart metaphor

also just such a visually rich song ? so is every song on the album but the metaphors of this song are all just so visual

best lyrics: “i didn’t have it in myself to go with grace/and you’re the hero flying around saving face/and if i’m dead to you why are you at the wake?” and “i can go anywhere i want/anywhere i want, just not home”

10/10

MIRRORBALL:

ok so i did like this one on first listen, i loved absolutely everything on first listen, but it didn’t hit my top 5 until like 8 listens later, so it’s def a big grower and i think could be a huge fan fav by next year

the self-awareness in her writing will never fail to amaze me

the way that life is just performing...... yeah

but it’s crazy to me that a person could be like “i’m a compulsive people pleaser and performer and i’ll do anything to get ppl to like me” and that leads to “i am a disco ball” like ???? her brain is so big. it’s such a gorgeous metaphor.... and the circus imagery AHHHHH

best lyrics: “i’m still on that tightrope/i’m still trying everything to get you laughing at me/i’m still a believer but i don’t know why/i’ve never been a natural, all i do is try try try/i’m still on that trapeze/i’m still trying everything to keep you looking at me” and “i can change everything about me to fit in”

10000/10

SEVEN:

this one simply rips my heart out

at first i was like oh this is so weird and then the chorus just would not leave my head

for me personally, nostalgia is literally 90% of my personality and just for so many personal reasons the thought of childhood ending and all of the growing pains that come along with that have been at the forefront of my psyche for the past year. so it just kills me whenever i find a song like this one and it kills me that taylor specifically has several songs about this topic and this is 100000% the best of them all. like it’s the most beautiful experience to have your thoughts and feelings and fears expressed so perfectly by a total stranger, and that’s rly what art is about and i love taylor for doing that for me and millions of other people

i just feel like this song brings up so many vivid beautiful memories of childhood for so many people, like being outside in the summer and screaming and being free. ugh

the pause after “i hit my peak at seven” before completing the phrase........ OOOOOOOOOF IT HITS TOO HARD

and sound-wise, just so off-beat and cool and unique

best lyrics: “i hit my peek at seven/feet in the swing across the creek” and “are there still beautiful things?” and “love you to the moon and to saturn/passed down like folk songs/the love lasts so long” and “before i learned civility/i used to scream ferociously/any time i wanted”

100000000000/10

AUGUST:

i knew immediately that this would be my favourite tbh like i could sense it the second it began

i wrote my first impression thoughts in my journal and you can tell the exact moment i got to the bridge bc i just started screaming sdnjksdkjsdn

i would 100% get a tattoo that said “to live for the hope of it all”

everything about this song is LITERALLY flawless like i have.......no notes......no thoughts.......it’s just an absolutely perfect song

best lyrics: “back when we were still changing for the better/wanting for was enough/for me it was enough/to live for the hope of it all" and “august sipped away like a bottle of wine/cause you were never mine”

100000000000000000000000000/10

THIS IS ME TRYING:

this song is rly good but i keep forgetting it exists omg :/ once i learn all of the lyrics i’ll appreciate her more

the strings are gorgeous

i was rly surprised that this one was done with jack instead of aaron just bc the bridge of this sounds SOOOO the national

these lyrics could be interpreted in so many different ways depending on the listener’s experiences and that’s beautiful

best lyrics: “i was so ahead of the curve/the curve became a sphere/fell behind all my classmates and i ended up here” and “it’s hard to be at a party when i feel like an open wound/it’s hard to be anywhere these days when all i want is you/you’re a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town”

10/10

ILLICIT AFFAIRS:

that soft high note on “down,” “stop,” etc is sooooo nice

i don’t have many thoughts on it, it’s just so soft, SOOOOOO gorgeous instrumentally and lyrically

best lyrics: “it’s born from just one single glance/but it dies and it dies and it dies/a million little times” and “don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby/look at this godforsaken mess that you made me/you showed me colours you know i can’t see with anyone else” and “you taught me a secret language i can’t speak with anyone else/and you know damn well/for you i would ruin myself/a million little times”

100000/10

INVISIBLE STRING:

like i said about tlgad, this is a nice little break from all the angst and pain and anger sdnjksdnskjsd just a sweet little break to remind u there are good things in the world too. so placed really well in the tracklist imo

super super super super cute chorus

so many pretty melodies

absolutely an autumn song btw

best lyrics: “time, mystical time/cutting me open, then healing me fine”

10/10

MAD WOMAN:

i literally lost my mind listening to this for the first time

i have such a thing for scorned women anthems like i will immediately love it whatever it is

the pure rage when she says “cause you took everything from me” gives me full body chills

it is just so eerie and haunting and perfect

best lyrics: “women like hunting witches too/doing your dirtiest work for you/it’s obvious that wanting me dead/has really brought you two together” and “every time you call me crazy i get more crazy/what about that?” and “good wives always know/she should be mad, should be scathing like me/but no one like a man woman”

1000000/10

EPIPHANY:

i find this one so hard to listen to but it’s absolutely beautiful and devastating and so heavily relevant for i think the whole world rn

the heart monitor and the trumpets tying both of the topics in together is so genius and so heartbreaking

i think will be the sygb of folklore where it makes everybody cry so much that it becomes a skip despite being a beautiful song

best lyrics: “something med school did not cover/someone’s daughter, someone’s mother” and “some things you just can’t speak about”

10/10

BETTY:

first of all THE HARMONICA

this made me so happy bc it’s just so debut and so fearless and it made me SOOOOO nostalgic on my first listen, because it really felt to me like i was getting to listen to a song from debut or fearless for the very first time again

it’s just so sweet and cute and simple and yet another very self-aware moment of looking back to her past material/subject matter

best lyrics: “would you have me? would you want me?/would you tell me to go fuck myself/or lead me to the garden?” and “i’m only seventeen, i don’t know anything/but i know i miss you”

10/10

PEACE:

the bass at the beginning is soooooo nice

this miiiiiight be the strongest song on the album lyrics-wise but idk yet

not much to say, it’s just so gorgeous

best lyrics: “i’m a fire and i’ll keep your brittle heart warm/if your cascade ocean wave blues come/all these people think love’s for show/but i would die for you in secret” and “would it be enough if i could never give you peace?” and “i talk shit with my friends, it’s like i’m wasting your honour”

10/10

HOAX:

i have a feeling this one will be underrated/underappreciated bc it’s just simple and dark and the last song, but this is....... a lyrical masterpiece

i feel like i need to be playing this on vinyl with all of the lights off and just a candle burning yknow, like there’s just something so dark and ancient about it

best lyrics: “my winless fight/this has frozen my ground” and “your faithless love’s the only hoax i believe in/don’t want no other shade of blue but you/no other sadness in the world would do” and “you knew it still hurt underneath my scars/from when they pulled me apart/but what you did was just as dark/darling this was just as hard”

10/10

OVERALL: 10000000000/10 literally one of the best albums i have ever heard and (while i wouldn’t put it past her to top it) absolutely the best work of her career. so complex and layered and emotional and painful and genuine and different. not to get ahead of myself but this is/should be considered her blue, her rumours, her abbey road....... god. can’t wait to listen to this album for the rest of my life and play it for my future children and just watch it live on as the greatest work of one of the most important artists of the 21st century

[fairycosmos]

Can I please ask what caused you a trauma? I don't know if I can ask this so sorry if not. I ask because I always feel like what has happened to me is not enough and not a 'good excuse' and not really deserved to cause trauma. i experienced bullying for many years and i have post trauma and social anxiety and I hate myself and i was hospitalized because depression and social anxiety but I ALWAYS!! feel that i don't! deserve! a treatment because other people experienced worse things

hey is it okay if i’m sort of vague about the first question? i don’t consider myself to be a traumatized person but Some Things Have Fucked Me Up. mostly just,,, my early childhood i was living in really unsafe situations, so some things happened to me bc of that. my parents were alcoholics lmao and they didn’t realize what they were doing to me. dealing with addiction and mental illness at a young age is weird. n even when i got a bit older there was a few instances that messed me up, the bullying got worse and my family was struggling, i won’t go into detail but most of it stems from back then. i hope this doesn’t sound like i’m just listing a bunch of dumb problems, i just want you to understand where i’m coming from but ANYWAYS what i actually want to say is this:there’s no standard you need to meet in order to make what you’ve been through valid. the fact that other people have had it worse doesn’t change the reality of your situation, and of what you’ve been through. people treating you like shit is bound to have an impact on you and your mental state and your perception of the world, especially if it was happening for a long time during your formative years. stop questioning why you feel the way you do and accept that you’re hurt, that it’s okay to be hurt as long as you know that help is available. if your best friend was dealing with what you’re dealing with, would you tell them to get over it bc other people have suffered too?? of course not, right?? well try to treat yourself with that same level of tact and care. you weren’t treated the way you should’ve been treated. it’s unfair. you’re allowed to be angry, you’re allowed to be upset. i saw a quote once that said something along the lines of ‘someone that drowns in 2 feet of water is just as dead as someone that drowns in 100 feet of water.’ i think that applies here. no matter how insignificant your experiences feel, they’re still yours to claim. they still happened to you. the pain you felt won’t just go away bc you are empathetic towards others.

and as far as depression and social anxiety goes - sometimes there is no definitive cause. it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain, it’s not always circumstantial. please, please don’t prevent yourself from getting the help you need just bc of what your brain is telling you. mental illness is just as serious as physical illness. this is an extreme example, but if you had meningitis, you wouldn’t not get help just because other people have cancer, right? if you need help, you need help. theres no ifs ands or buts about it. all you need to do is take the first step and reach out. talk to your parents about getting in touch with a counselor or a doctor again, particularly bc you’ve been hospitalized, and then just see where it goes from there. if your brain tries to convince you that you don’t deserve it, then recognize them feelings of inadequacy but don’t let them control you, okay? that’s the key here. i really hope you’re able to get what you need. i’m sending you so much love ok!! n just know that i’m always here if you need to talk. hmu anytime :)

[lowest-of-trash]

Heyyyyyy so I'mma just vent and be sad lmao.

My family is moving. We can't afford to fix our house and my school district has very expensive houses. The only reason we were able to buy this house was bc it was so messed up. We thought it would be fine, but then my parents divorced. It's sucked living in a house that didn't have complete walls or fully working AC for the last 3 years. So I'm all aboard moving. I can't wait to live in a finished house. I can't wait to have a kitchen with counters and a dishwasher. It's going to be great

What's not so great is that, as mentioned before, my school district is too expensive. So we're leaving this school district. When I was younger, we were very poor and ended up moving a lot. I changed schools a lot until 5th grade. Even though we've moved 2 times since 5th grade, I was able to stay in the same school district. I've had 6 years of finally being able to make friends. These people have been there for me while I was questioning my sexuality, during every panic attack over auditions, while I was being bullied in middle school. They've been there for all of it. And I've had my boyfriend for a year and a half now. I don't want to leave them. I'm so worried that our friendships will just fall apart if I don't see them everyday. What if I was never important to begin with? I know that isn't true, but my anxiety has been making me think a lot lately. Another thing I loved about my school was the band. Our band is great. It has offered me many opportunities that I would not have gotten otherwise.

The band at the new school I'll be going to is . . . not as good, to say the least. And it makes me feel like such an elitist bitch. I've already had people call me a stuck up bitch when I'm just introverted and don't like talking to people. I can't imagine how much worse that would be when I actually am one. Not only that, I know that a lot of people in the area we're moving are very homophobic. Even at my school, there were a lot of homophobic people, but I was never alone so I never got bothered with it. But at this school, I'm going to be alone. I'm not very good at making friends. I'm really worried that I'm going to be bullied again, but this time I won't have anyone with me. This might not even happen. It's probably just my brain trying to make itself feel like this is more of a big deal than it is.

I only have two years left of highschool, but I already had expectations of what those would be. I imagined the last day on the band field when Mr. Nassar does the speech about how far the Seniors have come since Freshman year. I already imagined Senior speeches and how grateful I am for band and the friends that have stuck with me. I already imagined the last concert and sobbing with all my friends. I imagined going to graduation with all my friends and hearing the band I love playing in the background. But now I'm not going to do any of that. And it breaks my heart.

I know that none of this will matter in the long term. This will only be two years compared to the decades I have left in my life. But it still feels so important. I feel so selfish for making my mom worry about me. She's doing her best. I know she tried to find a house in the school district. I've always tried not to bother her and not to ask for much. And yet here I am, crying over insignificant things and making her feel bad. I don't deserve anything. I've gotten too accustomed to benefitting from a school that was out of our price range. And now that we're finally going to something we can actually afford, I'm realizing how much of a spoiled brat I've become. I've been crying a lot and being a big baby. I cried in the car earlier bc "Boogie Shoes" came on and it reminded me of our marching band and how I'm going to miss it. I just feel so pathetic. My mental health has kinda taken a dive lmao. And it makes me feel even worse that I feel so bad over this when there's literally a pandemic going on and injustices are happening every day. I'm just so tired. It's been taking me forever to fall asleep lately. I can't turn my brain off. I've been thinking so much about what ifs, about how I'm going to say goodbye, all the things I won't be able to experience, etc.

That's all. Thank you for reading this far. I just needed to whine like a little bitch for a bit. I thought this would make me feel better, but it didn't. At least I was able to share my thoughts. It's not good to bottle up things, ya know. Have a good night