#this is just an outlet post for me alksdfjadf

[irresistiibles]

shi qingxuan self para

trigger warnings: this is basically a drowning self para wanna be one hundred percent real so read at your own risk. drowning tw, death tw

i don’t want to die.

it wasn’t the first thing to pass through qingxuan’s mind. the first thing they noticed was the temperature. at first frigid when they were first forcibly submerged, or maybe it was just the shock of the situation that made it seem that way, after all it was summer. it shouldn't have been that cold. qingxuan let out a yell as they hit the water, mouth filling up with water that they couldn't even properly cough up. had anyone heard? would anyone come to help? someone had always come to help qingxuan before. why wasn't there anyone around? things were quickly warming up as qingxuan thrashed, feeling the need for air starting to quickly push up. it was a searing uncomfortable heat, burning from in their chest as his lungs worked desperately to find oxygen that wasn’t available. it felt like she might burn to death before actually managing to drown, and only got worse as they hopelessly physically fought to try and get above water. 

i don’t want to die. 

it was almost a jarring thought as qingxuan’s body attempted to gasp for air, to push towards the surface, do anything to get a little oxygen in his lungs. as the physical fight continued the thought did come through. after everything that has happened at black water manor qingxuan had contemplated their death. he had wondered if it would make things better, or just, or at least give them a break. it hadn’t seemed like such a bad thing at the time, like maybe he should have gone with his brother and they both could have called that the end of their miserable story. qingxuan had been a fool, and now, on what felt like the bring of death they felt pathetic and ungrateful, wishing they could desperately grab just one more day of life. one more hour. five more minutes. 

i don’t want to die. 

maybe if qingxuan hadn’t been alone this wouldn’t have happened. she had tried to stay with company, really she had, but the small party had been drunk and wanted food, whereas qingxuan wanted air. it hadn't seemed like such a big deal to break off and go for a small walk alone before meeting back up with the group. would more caution have saved him? maybe if qingxuan had shown more caution as a child they wouldn’t have been found, he xuan could have ascended with qingxuan in the middle court and nothing would have happened. maybe she could have defended herself a little bit better today. 

i don’t want to die. 

i’m sorry ge. i wasn’t careful enough. i never learned my lesson as a little kid. there was no need with how well you looked after me. you fought my fate as long as you could. you did a really good job of keeping your stupid little sister along way longer than it should have been.

i’m sorry he-xiong. i didn’t get the chance to text you more. i wanted to fix things. i wanted to figure out how to be us again. i wanted to figure it out with you. i thought we had time. i would have rushed back if that wasn't the case. i wish if someone had to force me under like this it was you. you wouldn't like it, but i think you'd be gentle about it. 

i’m going to die. i can’t stop it. 

there was almost a comfort in accepting it, feeling the current start to pull him under and letting it, even as qingxuan had more apologies to give. to xie lian, he had died too and hadn’t deserved that. to the nice drunk qingxuan would go back and forth on drinks to. it was their time to buy next and he wouldn’t be able to do it. so many more. the world was starting to fade though, black spots dancing in qingxuan's vision, whether it was from the water or a steady loss of consciousness, and qingxuan’s dialogue was puttering out.  the tide pushed them down and who was qingxuan to fight against nature? they could hardly handle a simple fight on their own. such a weak fool, but as qingxuan gave up and let the water take her where it wanted there wasn’t any anger there. the fire that burned at qingxuan’s lungs became a more settled warmth, and the water almost felt like a comfort wrapped around them. this was her brother’s domain, her lover’s as well. oxygen deprived and perhaps a little delirious qingxuan could almost feel like there was some presence of the two of them here to help, to be with him in a final moment. they had lived a good life, warm and loved. one of them would find him. if they had the strength left qingxuan would worry about the way that they would mourn, if they’d be okay, but in the moment she was just content to know someone she loved and trusted would probably still find her in the end, that she'd wind up home in one way or another. if he woke up after this someone would help her. there were always enough good people in the world willing to help. if she didn't wake up there had already been so many more years than what qingxuan was supposed to have. the tide pushed and qingxuan let themselves sink.