#this is indirectly related to a conversation i had recently but want to assure anyone reading that this is not like

[stonebutchery]

i think we need to have a conversation about dysphoria and triggers again as a trans community (particularly the younger-than-25 crowd) because i think it's actually a little worrying how many trans people say they're triggered by the mere mention of trans pregnancy, by masculine features, by breasts or by flat chests, by certain body types, and other unchangeable parts of the varied trans existence. whatever you do online for yourself and for your own peace of mind is your business. but you can't be telling trans people you're triggered by their 'non passing' features or bodily choices because they make you personally uncomfortable. you need to deal with that, privately, on your own.

as someone who worked for a while with an advocacy program for rape survivors, something that came up, even with trans clients, was "i'm triggered by men and masculine features" or, also troublesome, "i'm triggered by men of a specific race." this is something we infrequently (but frequently enough to warrant writing up an entire protocol on referrals to specific in-network therapists) had to discuss with clients because, as an advocacy program that advocated for everyone who came to us for help, i can't ban 'men' from the waiting room. it would be a violation of their rights if we were to accommodate someone's desire for comfort, a desire that comes from the fact that they are 'triggered by men'. we could move someone who is 'triggered by men' to another room if another room were available but, ultimately, it's going to be beneficial for that person to deal with their trigger. because it's just not acceptable when a client comes into the office and accuses a trans woman in the waiting room of being a predator because "[she] looks like a man, i'm triggered by men, i was assaulted by a man," nor is it acceptable when a transmasculine client says he wants the cis man in the lobby to leave because he's triggered by the presence of a cis man, also as the survivor of violence by a cis male perpetrator (both of these examples coming from my experiences as an advocate). both of those people these clients pointed a finger at were fellow sexual violence survivors seeking resources, only to be accused of being perpetrators for sitting in a waiting room to seek those resources, made to feel humiliated by other survivors in a space that's supposed to be fucking safe for them.

whether they've carried a fetus to term or gotten an abortion, i've also known several pregnant trans people. in the christofascist west, pregnant people have historically been banished to the confines of their homes. there's a reason why the united states and other western countries have (sometimes tenuous-at-best) laws prohibiting the discrimination against workers who are pregnant or become pregnant. trans pregnancy is already incredibly stigmatized and censored. outside of, like, online kink-related or fetish-related content pertaining to impregnation or pregnancy where people are well within their right to curate what they see and engage with, i find it especially disappointing when all mention of pregnancy, sometimes specifically singled-out trans pregnancy, is requested to be censored, and to once again banish the mere acknowledgement of the existence of pregnant people, especially pregnant trans people and trans parents who have biological children, to the out-of-sight, out-of-mind nowhere-land. like they don’t exist and don’t deserve recognition or acknowledgement.

and yes, i am actually very well aware that there are countries with bans in places which carry criminal penalties for abortion. i happen to live in one. the fact that there are trans people who want to be parents and who want to have biological kids is just as important to me as all of the trans people who deserve safe and legal abortions whenever they want, for any reason. censoring and silencing trans people for talking about being pregnant, in any context, and requesting censorship of trans pregnancy, including the acknowledgement and de-stigmatization of trans pregnancy and trans abortion-seeking... because it makes some trans people dysphoric...? i'm sorry but you're kind of getting in your own way. and if you end up making it random pregnant trans peoples’ problem, you are then doing harm. this is one of those cases where censoring the object of your trigger is not going to end up being conducive to healing and growth. and it risks substantially harming others.

"my body, my choice" is not just empty words in a slogan. someone else’s autonomous bodily decisions do not concern you. at all. other people are not fucking responsible for your dysphoria or the reactions you are having to their body; their bodily autonomy, their autonomous bodily choices, literally just existing. i think you should challenge yourself to dig deep and ask how and why someone else's completely benign existence triggers you.

i am not responsible for my existence ‘causing you dysphoria’. that is your problem. you deal with that.

you may get triggered but how you choose to respond and react is something to work on because your reactions can be harmful.

[caraidean]

Parting Words

Participant(s): Catria, Alm ( @jasperlion)

Words: 4,403

Type: Support Conversation

Summary: Catria shares a few words with Alm before leaving Valentia for home that turn out to have a greater impact on her life than she could have expected.

Notes: Indirectly starts the Catria/Marth AU

The caravans were almost loaded for the move, as far as Alm could see, double-checking the roster for those who would leave for Zofia and those who would stay behind in Rigel until things were taken care of proper. It had been but a scant few weeks since Duma’s defeat, but there was no time to rest. Wheels would have to be set in motion for the reparations of the kingdoms as well as their eventual unification and he felt, frankly, pretty darn swamped. He was sure his childhood friend felt the same, but that was neither here nor there.

Eyes roved onto the names of three whom were listed as neither, with a note by Celica that they would be departing back to their homeland soon enough, and so where they’d be headed now would be entirely their choice. Brows rose as he wondered where exactly they had come from, a thoughtful hum leaving his throat. Looking around him once again, it was lucky coincidence that he spotted one of them, the middle sister, pretty nearby.

He had some time.

Rolling up the parchment pieces he had been reading over, he strapped them onto his belt and jogged over to Catria, offering a mild wave with his left hand as he approached.

“Hey—, uh. Salutations, Catria.” Inwardly, he smacked himself upside the head for being so informal, he really had to work on talking the part he was supposed to play now. Clair would have his head for mouthing off like the commoner he was raised as. “Have you and your sisters decided where to go next? I hear you’re pretty far from home.”

Well, the same could be said for himself, but at least he was still in the same landmass! “And, well, if you don’t mind… where are you guys from, exactly?” The question was sheepish, and it took all of his willpower not to rub the back of his head or do anything else of the sort.

Gods, but this was going to be a very long and complicated discussion when she got back to Macedon. She already knew what the plan was - that she would be heading straight to Minerva to give her report, while Palla escorted Est back to her husband and shop in Altea before heading back to reunite with her. Which meant that she’d get the burden of explaining where she’d been for the last two years with very limited letters being sent back to their ruler in the occasional snippets of time when they’d been near a port.

Well, a functioning port not torn apart by wars, at least. Which had gotten increasingly rare towards the end, even as the war grew more and more insane. The fact that this made two evil and insane dragon-gods she’d helped face down made her snort a little as she fastened the saddlebag, glancing up at Alm as he approached and finishing her train of thought.

Maybe we could request that the Whitewings motto be something along the lines of ‘helping to kill dragons since Arch 605 / Valentia 399

“We’ll stop by the capital for a few days, say our goodbyes and resupply. Likely collect a few official missives from Celica and yourself once the coronations are over, in case you want to open communications with Queen Minerva or King Marth.” She said lightly, standing up and addressing him formally. When she realized exactly how poorly he’d been told about Archanea she flickered an eyebrow before shaking her head in bemusement, chuckling.

“My sisters and I are from Macedon, one of the many countries on Archanea. It’s mostly mountains and forest, along the south-western end of the continent.” She explained. “Our former commander in the military, Minerva, became queen at the end of the last war. My sister Est actually retired to Altea instead, but that’s not important.”

Now his ignorance was really hitting him, and Alm had a vague notion of regret of being unable to really look into a lot of what he technically should know of royalty during the short period they had been in Castle Rigel. It wasn’t any of those ‘to do later’ things, either, considering it was a ‘right here and now’ sort of thing.

So, Queen Minerva and King Marth. Got it. He nodded to Catria, committing the names to memory so he could, maybe later, look up what he can and write up a decent enough draft for a missive. It would do them all good to set up peaceful relations from the start, especially since Catria and her siblings seemed to know both royals.

Absorbing the information given to him, he gave her his full attention, then beamed. They had plans, at least, and a general idea of where to go, so that was good. He was sure they’d be missed, but the sisters had a home, and he was more than happy to let them return to it.

“Hm… I see. I think I’ll take you up on those missives. I’d like to start off on the right foot with Archanean royals.” Alm said with a laugh, offering a grin, then gave himself pause.

“That you all served in a war before this one, well… thank you very much for helping us here too.” He bowed his head slightly in thanks, grin turning into a thankful smile. From what he knew, they were just looking for their sister, and could have left once she was saved, but chose to stay and help. For that, of course, he was grateful. “And, of course, you’ll always be welcomed here if you need help, no matter what.”

Hm… might even be a good idea to escort them all the way to the port. It was the least they could do.

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to hear a little more about them. Nothing too personal, though! Just to, ah…” His left hand rose to his cheek, scratching at it idly. “… Get an idea of what they’re like.” Sending a generic sort of  missive didn’t seem like a good idea to him, but he’d probably have to run the idea through Clair, Celica or Zeke… maybe Catria or her sisters? “If it’s a good idea to send personalized missives to open negotiations, anyway…?”

It was probably no secret that he was stumbling in the dark at this ruling and nobility thing.

“It’s not them that you’ll be spending most of your time with, I expect. Technically, the majority of your messages will likely be with Emperor Hardin or Empress Nyna. They have a sort of…level of control over the other nations.” Catria said after a few moments. She was the most diplomatically inclined of the three sisters, if only because of her unofficial status as Minerva’s favored messenger.

Unofficial since Est was retired and Palla…frequently didn’t enjoy leaving Minerva’s side for reasons that went far beyond the platonic, she’d admit, but still the messenger none the less. Still, she supposed she could give him and Celica both a more in-depth explanation of Archanea’s politics at a later date. “I can explain the grand scale of it all more at a later time, if you do not mind us putting our departure off another day or two, I suppose. And please, do not worry about us -  we were glad to help Celica after she helped us rescue Est in turn. As far as we are concerned, any debts have been repaid.”

She paused, and then decided to throw her sister under the proverbial cart for a moment. “Then again, with how frequently Est has gotten captured in recent years, an escort to the harbor would be appreciated. Just in case.”

Then he asked about the two other royals in a personal context, and Catria almost dropped her bags. She paused and fumbled with them, hoping he wouldn’t notice the temporary but blatant loss of her fabled professional dignity, taking a deep breath through her nose and closing her eyes.

Damn that thought. She’d hoped to at least get past this continent where nobody even knew before she gave this away. So instead she focused on Minerva first, using the time to try and get her thoughts together for talking about him.

“Queen Minerva of Macedon is…well, she was our field commander for many years. She has very principled values, and would do anything for her little sister or her country.” She was very, very careful to leave Michalis out of the discussion. “She can come off as harsh, but I assure you, she can be a kind person once you see past her bluntness. As for King Marth of Altea-”

Unable to stop herself, she let out a deep sigh that ached of longing. She doubted even someone as…romantically challenged as a few had told her Alm could be on occasion could mistake it.

“He is…remarkable, truly. Kind, brave, and just - but could just as easily be relentless if pushed.”

Huh, an Empire, was it? Alm canted his head to the left in curiosity, but otherwise listened as well as he could. It was hard to grasp the concept, but for the moment, until he could actually get some studying done, he decided to view it akin to how Rigel and Zofia had monarchs both, but they both also had to defer to Duma and Mila respectively. “I should probably prepare missives for the Emperor and Emperess, then.”

And thankful he was for Catria to offer such an opportunity to learn more! With a grateful smile, he gave a nod. If all was to go well for Valentia as a whole, he would have to learn as much as he could, and quickly. “I’d appreciate it. I hope this delay isn’t too bad… I can wait until you ask your sisters about it, if you want.” Of course, the middle sister was not here by herself, and so he did not want to pressure her into making a choice that might cause a sibling spat. Speaking of… “I’ll handle the details for an escort party, consider it done!”

If it came to it, he’d go there himself. They did need to assess the damage to both kingdoms to decide how to handle things henceforth, so it wasn’t like anyone had a good reason to tell him no.

His expression shifted from an easy smile to raised brows and a contemplative expression when Catria fumbled, but said nothing, merely taking in what he was told of Minerva of Macedon and Marth of Altea. They both sounded like good people, people he’d personally love to meet someday if they drew such admiration, and yet…

Well, anyone would have to be a fool to miss the way the woman before him seemed to just float on air without the help of her mount at the mention of the latter.

A huffed sort of laugh left him then, shaking his head. Alm’s eyes sparkled with a slight hint of mischief, and yet looked almost all too serious when he said, “I’ll be sure not to keep you too long from going home, then.”

Bad as he may be to express himself sometimes, Alm knew that look when he saw it. It was hard not to when it was one you wore far more often than you had any right to. At least he had enough self control to stamp the thought out and, instead, offer a thoughtful nod. “Thank you. I’ll be sure to mention your sisters and yourselves on the missives, too. If anything, it’s most appropriate.”

“The missives would be a good idea. While they have no real say in how Altea or Macedon perform their internal affairs, they will still intervene in any outside contact - but they are both fair people, I assure you. Emperor Hardin in particular is undoubtedly fair and understanding, I would not fear whatever his response is.”

Catria vaguely explained her own understanding of Archanea’s political dynamic, aware that she was far from the best person. Perhaps he could speak to Palla about it, she should be able to take him in the right direction a little easier. She was just a courier, most of the peacetime. “The escort is appreciated as well. As I said…when it comes to my sister, it’s better safe than sorry.“

She let a spark in her eyes flicker for a moment, chuckling a little as she pictured Est’s face on realizing that Catria - the serious one of the three - had finally pulled a rib on her after ten years of avoiding them. And she’d used a King to help set it up.

”…mentioning us is not necessary.“ Catria wondered if she managed to hold herself back, or if Alm was just too polite to mention that he’d seen the look on her face. She clicked her tongue, shaking her head after a moment with a smile. “Although it would be appreciated. I imagine Queen Minerva is just about ready to scream at us — we were meant to return almost a year and a half ago. She gets so riled up when it comes to concern for her friends, after all.”

Okay, so it was definitely different than what he had in mind at first. It definitely sounded like a different system altogether than he’d seen just yet, which made it all the more interesting, if a little odd. There was likely a lot to learn from them, however, if Emperor Hardin was a fair man despite his position over other nations in Archanea.

Gods, he really owed Catria a debt now, vague explanation or not. “Right!” So, outside contact. Trade negotiations and such would probably have to be talked about with the Emperor and Empress at first, then! “I trust your word about Emperor Hardin. I just have to make sure to start off on the right foot.” And not put his foot in his mouth while he was at it.

Still… something nagged at him that he had to ask now, since Catria had brought it up twice, even if the second seemed a little like a teasing jest. With a quirked half-smile, he turned the idea over in his head a couple of times before finally giving it voice. “I hate to ask, but does Est just… get in trouble a lot?” He didn’t mind the escort, it’d give him more time to sort out thoughts he doubted he’d be able to process the moment he was sat down for political talks, but, come on. It couldn’t have been that bad. Could it? … Never underestimate anyone’s talent for disaster, he supposed.

And then a thought struck him, and he merely sighed and shrugged… with a dramatic aplomb and a small quirk of the lips. “I guess it should just be called an Estcort.” Hehehe. Estcort.

And, perhaps, Catria says it’s not necessary, but it certainly sounds like it, especially when it came to Queen Minerva. Not that he could blame her, if his own friends were due back that long ago, he’d be worried sick too. “Well, hopefully a good word in will take some edge from the scolding, although I can’t imagine it’d stop it from happening.” 

… Might as well just sneak good word in with the King of Altea while he was at it, but he’d keep that to himself. “On that note, though, think something should be sent ahead of your arrival? Just to make sure folks back in Archanea know you three are alright.”

“This is the second time we’ve had to save her from being captured in the middle of a war.” Catria rolled her eyes at the question, letting out a slight laugh. “Outside of that, well…she has been fairly accident prone. Apparently she once trapped herself in the storage room of her shop for several hours before her husband found her. While she’s always shown a lot of promise, it’s had a tendency to be held back by things like that…and I don’t think her heart’s particularly in being a Pegasus Knight, either. She just…copied us.”

She shrugged a little, before letting out a brief bark of laughter at the name he offered. “Oh, gods - if you call it that she’s going to throw a fit. Please, just pretend it’s a mistake of the pen when you put it together on your letter - Queen Minerva would be quite amused, I think. Naga knows sometimes it felt more like she was protecting us than the other way around. Not that any good words will save us from her tongue upon arriving - which I’ll probably get the worst of.”

She frowned a little at that, her forehead creasing underneath her headband. “…yes, if Est is going back to her husband and Palla escorting her there once we cross the ocean…damn it, it is going to be my job to explain this mess, isn’t it? Catria the damned delivery girl strikes again.”

Alm’s brows raised once Catria made it clear that it had not been the first time — moreover, Est just seemed to be prone to incidents, period. It was probably not very fun for her… but how did things like that just happen to one person? More than once? Hoo boy.

“That… sounds like cause for alarm.” He says, then offers a small, helpless grin and shrug, soft chuckle leaving his throat at the idea of Est being angry at the pun. Well, best not upset her, if anything. She seemed like a nice person, odd streak of bad luck aside. “Here’s to hoping this is her last kidnapping, at least.” There was no use praying to the Gods now of all times, all he had to do is hope her bad luck didn’t hold out for a third.

Oh, Queen Minerva might enjoy the joke? How about that? “Alright, a good chuckle never hurt anyone. Let’s just keep the fact that it’s on purpose between us.” His lips tug into a wider smile then as he offers a secretive wink, right hand akimbo against his hip now, a little more relaxed now that it felt like he knew Catria a little better. “But a try doesn’t hurt, provided it doesn’t make things worse. I’d hate to trouble you guys after all you went through.”

And oh man, imagining the tongue-lashing himself, even without knowing Queen Minerva, was already shudder-inducing! He couldn’t imagine being in Catria’s place, much less envy the position.

But then the other’s words give him pause. Of course one of the letter senders would have to be them, it’d make no sense to send Clair out on a sortie when she’d have to just fly on back home afterwards, then send the three sisters on their way. Sending a letter over boat would just take longer than it’d take the sisters to return home, too…

“You know what? If it’ll have to be like that, maybe it’s just best you three show together, instead of letting you take the whole hit. That doesn’t really feel fair to me.” His left hand rises to his cheek, giving it a nervous sort of scratch. “Just forget I said that.”

The sudden movement around them reminds him of his task, and he fumbles with his list before giving Catria an apologetic look. “I should, uh, finish this up. How about we talk once our convoy stops for the night?”

“Of course. It’ll be easier to discuss the, ah, formalities of that later anyway.”

Catria nodded politely, accepting his dismissal. For a moment it made her linger, lips pursed as a question danced across her lips. Was it proper to ask him about something like this? Then again…well, odds were she’d never see him again after this was all over. He would be the closest thing she’d get to a true confidant for years, at least for something like this. Perhaps he’d even understand.

“Can I ask you a personal question, first?”

She hesitated again, before sighing and inclining her head. Well, best out with it. Gods knows once she was away from Valentia she’d go right back to hiding it.

“If you had feelings for someone, and they were…above your station. Would you stay quiet about it, or speak up even if it meant being rejected?”

He nods his head and offers a small bow, even knowing that he really shouldn’t, stations considered. And so, he almost hurries off to continue his task, only to notice Catria’s hesitation as he raises his head. She… Hm. Posture turning from that of one about to walk to standing once more at her request, he gestures for her to continue, taking a breath. Personal question, huh?

It comes soon enough, and it’s… a surprise, somewhat. His brows raise, then furrow in concern. Clearly, this was about her— and about that prince, if he was understanding things correctly. Marth, right? But, well, she wasn’t saying names, so he had to keep in mind to do the same.

“Well, I personally never gave one’s station as much thought as I probably should.” He admits, holding onto the list with his right hand as his left rises to tap his chin thoughtfully. “So this is… probably advice from the strangest of places, but I’d… I’d speak up.”

Right. What if he had been the villager he always thought he was? The commoner? Would he have hidden what he felt from Celica? Alm couldn’t imagine doing so, even if she told him no or that she liked someone else — he could hardly imagine keeping that to himself without at least knowing what the other person thought.

“Maybe they don’t care much for the station of their partner.” He suggests first, offering a tiny smile. “Or maybe they do— but I wouldn’t know until I try, right? You won’t know if someone likes you back if you never tell them, too. You just… always keep wondering, you know?”

He steps closer, nudging her shoulder gently with his own. “Nothing’s more painful than aching for what could have been. And, well, maybe I’d get rejected in this hypothetical situation — one I thought I might find myself in until, uh, recently, mind you.” Because, well. Yes. “But if it’s out there and I’m told no, at least I tried, and at least I know it wasn’t something they were interested in. And, well, it’d hurt to know, but at least you know, right?”

“And, well, just because there’s a chance for a no doesn’t mean there’s no chance for a yes, right? So isn’t it better to let those feelings try to fly than cage them away?” At least, he thought so. There’s a certain peace with knowing something will definitely not work out or be true, even if it’s tainted with pain. And it wasn’t just when it was about… feelings for someone, but that wasn’t what was important right now. “Who knows, maybe they’ll soar to the skies.”

“I see…”

Catria listened to Alm’s words with a kind of rapt attention, a small frown crossing her face at first. Could she speak up, if her back was against the wall? If her options were to say something, or run away and regret it for the rest of her life like she had been so far? But a smile flickered across her face at the honesty and conviction in Alm’s words, all the emotions in his  advice resonating with her strongly. Maybe …well, thinking about it, Marth didn’t seem like he’d complain about the station of his partner. The nobles around him were another story but, well, maybe she could challenge that as well. Minerva would support her if nothing else. She hoped.

“At least I’d know.” She agreed, quietly. Her gaze seemed to fix itself on her own hand for a moment, fingers splayed across her saddle as she stared at it critically. What would it look like with a ring around her finger? She used to never be able to picture something like that even in her wildest daydreams, the little details that would make them more ‘real’ always refusing to fix themselves in place.

She could see it this time, though. How odd.

“It might not be my place to say this, but if you haven’t already you should have a conversation like this with the girl from your village as well.” She said, hesitating a little as she steered the conversation away. “Trust me - I can tell when someone’s pining. It’s hard to miss the same sort of looks you used to give.”

She forced the subject away from that again, hands shifting from her saddle to behind her back as she nodded at him and smiled, genuinely for a change. She felt a little more hopeful about the entire situation now.

“Thank you, Alm. You’ve given me a lot to think about on the flight home.”

There seemed to be a strange sort of look in Catria’s eyes, as if the goal was suddenly closer within reach than it ever had been before. It makes his chest swell with pride — if anything, he hoped for the best for her. And, if it didn’t work out, that at least it set her heart free to find another.

Her suggestion brings a smile to his face, and to it he offers a nod. He already had plans, to speak to her during the march. Properly catch up, maybe even spill everything and see how it went. Catria seemed to have a general idea and, well, a good feeling about it — and so did he, if he was honest! So, well, he might as well reach forward and try to catch that arrow on the fly.

“I will.” He promises with as much conviction as he can muster, raising his hand to gently bump his fist against her shoulder. “And here’s to the two of us! I hope it works out.”

With that, he offers a nod, smile widening. “Don’t forget to write!” It was an open invitation, if anything — a penpal or two didn’t hurt any, especially not with what he felt was a friend. A good one at that.

And so, with a wave, he hurries off, a slightly concerned expression on his face. Oh gods, he took too long — hopefully he hadn’t stalled the march any!

[teachmixerofficial]

How Women With Infertility Are Similar to Trauma Survivors

The term "infertility survivor" came up during a Twitter exchange. The conversation was good for these two reasons:

It helped me rethink the term infertility survivor and decide on something else.

It pushed me to write on how outsiders see the emotional distress of infertility.

Tweeter @mominisrael, aka Hannah Katsman of A Mother in Israel, felt my use of the term survivor was "unhelpful." When I asked her for other suggestions, as I was open to new ideas, she wrote, "don't know, but while infertility is traumatic, it shouldn't be compared to cancer, Holocaust, etc." It's "not life-threatening," she said.

What Women with Cancer and Infertility Have in Common

I was taken aback by her response and assured her that I didn't intend to put infertility into the same category as the Holocaust or cancer survivors.

@mominisrael replied, "When I hear the term, I think of life-threatening events. I know you weren't comparing it."

However, research in 1992 found that women experiencing infertility have emotional stress levels similar to cancer patients and cardiac rehabilitation patients.

Regarding the research study, @mominisrael replied, "They couldn't study the dead ones. :) I'm not disputing the trauma, but still think it's a bad term."

Why Do Outsiders to Infertility Have So Much Trouble Understanding Us

This highlights the inability of those outside of the infertility experience to understand just how much emotional pain and stress is experienced when going through infertility. When having your own child is a struggle or actually impossible.

This isn't the first time I've had someone tell me they don't believe this research study could be accurate. I wonder if it goes back to the "Who Has It Worse, Who Has It Better" game, where we think we can judge another's distress or emotional pain.

I'm pretty sure that if you asked someone, "Which would you rather experience, infertility or cancer?" the majority of people would say infertility. Mainly because people want to live, even if their lives are difficult.

But this doesn't change the levels of emotional stress they may experience. A disease being life-threatening doesn't always lead to deeper depression or higher levels of stress. In fact, I know a few people who became life-lovers after cancer. Staring death in the face made them appreciate this world more.

When Your Genetic Life-Line Ends With You

At the same time, I know those suffering from infertility who had such deep levels of distress and depression that they considered suicide. And, sadly, some people do commit suicide from untreated infertility-related depression. So who could possibly judge "who has it worse"?

While infertility does not threaten your life, it does threaten your genetic continuation. If you never have biological children, your gene pool stops with you. It's a sort of death of the future generations.

I can't say how conscious we are of this aspect of infertility, but it's there. We are, whether we like to admit it or not, biological beings. Biological beings are programmed to create new life. 

When Your Friends Are Less Stressed, They Assume You Should Be Too

My point here isn't to prove to anyone that infertility can bring on the emotional pain levels of cancer. Research has already done so. I just am wondering out loud why so many people who have not experienced infertility have trouble considering that this may be true.

If we compare the stress levels of friends and family, those who love someone with cancer or infertility, I suspect it's much harder for the cancer patient's support circle. No one wants to see their friend die or visibly suffer during treatment.

On the other hand, as many fertility-challenged people know, friends and family rarely feel distressed over infertility in a loved one. The emotional (and physical) pain tends to be less visible and therefore, much harder for others to feel empathy towards.

Comments from Readers

Here are some comments readers have shared with me on this sensitive topic.

"I am a rape survivor. In that context, the word “survivor” is used instead of “victim,” to indicate that I lived, I healed, I have not let the rape define, control or destroy me. I have my life back, so please do not call me a rape victim anymore.

"Unfortunately, I am also one of infertility’s victims. Six years, two failed IVF, 5 miscarriages have wrecked my body and my mind. (Also my friendships, family connections, bank account, and nearly my marriage.) I cannot yet say I have survived infertility. Some days it feels like I won’t–my heart hurts so bad I wonder how it can keep beating. I go to bed at night and secretly hope I won’t wake up. I am in treatment but it is very, very hard to find hope. This is not a disease one can conquer with strength or determination; it is not an attacker you can fight off or run away from or call 911.

"I think the term “infertility survivor” is absolutely apt, and I hope to someday consider myself one."

"As with any term of identity, no one gets to choose for anyone else how they identify. Don’t like the term “survivor” for infertility issues? Great–don’t use it. But you don’t get to tell anyone else what they can or can’t use to define and describe their experience. To survive means to come through, to still be standing at the end, to make it. The agonizing battle which is fertility is certainly “survived.”"

"I am a cancer survivor who also suffers from PCOS and am infertile. I think you referring to yourself as a survivor is an apt description. I have survived my cancer. But I still must survive every day my infertility which is a much more difficult thing to have to face.

"With my cancer they could cut it out, I could take pills and undergo other treatments for it and the same goes for my PCOS.

"But there is nothing that can be done for my infertility and that destroys me more than anything I have had to face.

"With my cancer, there were many wonderful avenues of support and understanding that I could to turn to. Whereas with my inability to have children, everyone just blithely comments that we can always adopt.

"They don’t understand that that is not what we want to hear and it doesn’t make things magically better.

"You survive living with that sadness and emptiness every day. You swallow it down and paste on that smile when you have to go to your friends' baby showers and when they plaster those pictures of their children all over their Facebook. Don’t let anyone make you feel like your issues are less than someone else's."

"After reading this, you are correct in saying that people aren’t as empathetic or sympathetic regarding infertility.

"My husband went through leukemia when he was 18 – just after we got together. I was with him every day, and people were always asking how he was, if everything was okay, and all distressed. After a while though, they stopped being as concerned, they still asked questions, but the answer was the same as before – he is getting through it. The days are tough, and the nights also.

"And then recently, he got told he was infertile, due to the radiotherapy. It was a massive shock, as one of his life goals is to have his own children. When I told some of my friends, I had a very mixed emotion range. Between my two closest friends even. One said that they were heartbroken because they were thinking positively about the whole situation, and the other said to just keep thinking positively.

"I am not the one directly going through being infertile, that is my husband. BUT – none the less, it affects me too.

"When he was going through his cancer, he barely thought about it. The first few weeks were the worst, that’s when he was so upset about it, BECAUSE he was thinking about it. After those few weeks, it just became a routine for him. However, talking about infertility, he has basically ignored it because it's too painful for him to think about."

"This is an interesting take on infertility. I am both a cancer survivor and an infertility survivor and from my personal point of view, cancer that is treatable (though with terrible side effects) is a little easier to handle than infertility.

"My infertility was a direct effect of chemotherapy (I was 25 when I underwent chemo and I did not have children then). Living without hair and eyelashes was less daunting than what I am currently going through – the possibility of never having my own child.

"Somehow infertility hits a woman very hard... where it hurts. Also indirectly people start blaming you for being infertile as if you did something wrong to become infertile. Whereas, with cancer people mostly accept that cancer just happens (unless it's a proven case due to smoking or genetics, etc).

"Infertility is a huge issue for a woman. But end of the day, you are entitled to a happy life whether or not you bear children.

"Years of conditioning that women need to bear children is the root cause of this misery. Some people have ailing hearts, some have bad liver, some have tumours in the brain... so is infertility…It’s an organ or some hormone malfunctioning or being weak. It has nothing to do with how good we are or how bad we are.

"No matter how hard you try sometimes there’s only so much you can do about a thing like infertility. The better we accept that and we accept that one of our organs is just not in great condition, we can move on.

"If we love children immensely, we can try other means. We shouldn’t care about what others feel. Growing up a child is a massive project – an enlightening one. To a great extent, it’s going to ease the pain of being infertile.

"All of this struggle only makes you stronger and more empathetic. Each of us need to find ways to tackle the depression and lead a happy life.

"I guess with time, things will improve for women. The alarming rate of increase of infertility will necessitate action and thought."

Are you feeling depressed? Please reach out for help! 

More on coping with friends and family when trying to get pregnant:

12 Things Not to Say to Someone With Infertility

10 Things to Stop Doing if You Want to Support Someone with Infertility

How Can I Support a Friend with Infertility?

Should You Tell Your Friends and Family About Your Infertility?

10 Ways to Cope When Trying to Conceive Overwhelms You

Schwerdtfeger KL, Shreffler KM. Trauma of pregnancy loss and infertility among mothers and involuntarily childless women in the United States. Journal of Loss and Trauma. 2009;14(3):211–227. doi:10.1080/15325020802537468.