#this is incoherrent but like i just can’t stop thinking about this

[cockworkangels]

the lyric ’my love is vengeance’ bounces around my head like a screen saver like hello. that’s exactly what it is. that’s what sam and dean have been taught love is from the beginning. you seek revenge, you need to avenge the death of you loved one that’s what john taught them.

and it just makes me insane how it plays over the dinner scene in 10x18 where all of them are so happy and they are all together dean, sam, cas and charlie. is such a sharp contrast to the softness of the scene. like yes sam’s love is vengaence but it’s also not it’s not all that it is.

but also in s10 sam’s the unhinged one. he’s the one who’s ready to upset the balance of the universe to save dean. he’s making all these amoral decisions and it doesn’t matter what comes in his way.

it just is so much.

[parkerspicedlatte]

First Mornings and Little Feet

Word count: 2.1k

Warnings: none

What's it got: FLUFF and Peter Parker x Reader

  You knew they were in your room before you’d even opened your eyes. Their little feet padded down the hallway first to you parents room, then to yours. You felt the body next to yours shift ever so slightly as the door slowly creaked open.

“She’s sleeping” one whispered, then the other, not even triying to be quiet asked “Who’s that?”

“Maybe she got married.” the first voice offered but was quickly shot down by the other rudely telling him that there would have been ‘a wedding with a pretty dress and a big cake.”

  You smile to yourself while listening to their little conversation. Unortunitly for you, the small smile gave away the fact that you were no longer sleeping.

“I think she’s awake.”

  The smile quckly disapeers and you try to cover-up your mistake by nuzzling your face into your pillow. The pillow was saturated with the smell of a familiar yet, unfamiliar shampoo.

“No she’s not her eyes are closed.” One says sticking their pudgy little finger in the corner of your eye to prove their point

“Nuh unh she’s just pretending.”

  You could hear more whispering but couldn’t make out the words, then you hear their footsteps walking towards the door, then door door clicked shut. You sigh in relief as you were worried that they’d wake Peter up. It’s not like you didn’t want them to meet him, but you weren;t really sure how he’d react to your little brother and sister as he didnt have any of his own. He seemed good with the younger ones in his appartment building, always asking them about their favourite teacher and about the characters on their tiny shoes and backpacks, telling them how cool he thought they were. But maybe being woken up at 7am on a Saturday wasn’t the best idea. Especially since this was his first time staying over. You didn’t want to throw him to the wolves that your siblings could be so early in the morning. Though since they’d left, luck seemed to be on your side. Or so you thought.

  As you opened your eyes, you were startled to find a small pair of bright green ones starring right back at you, just mere inches away.

“I told you she was pretending.” Abbi giggle, poking your cheek

“Shhhh,” You hold your finger up to your lips, “don’t be so loud honey.”

“Is that your husband?” questioned your little brother, emerging from his hiddling place behind your desk chair. You hadn’t even seen him because there were a few autume coats and sweaters flung over in disarray.

“No Theo he’s not.” You whisper back, trying to inspire them to be more quiet. They were only four and hadn;t quite drasped the concept of speaking softly when others are sleeping. Or speaking softly in general.

“Told you so.” Abbi chanted, sticking her tongue out at her brother.

“Hey be nice.” He quickly dodges away from you before you could swat her. Not that you would have. You didn’t have the energy plus you usually left the discipling to your parents.

  Theo and you were used to Abbi’s assertive and bossy behaviour. She was the more fiesty one while Theo was more shy and would be happy to go along with whatever his sisters were doing.

  Before she could mouth back at you, Peter rolled over snuggling into your back. You could feel his brows furrowing as he tried to make sense of where the small voices were comign from. You smile as he sleepily grumbles incoherrant words into yor shoulder.

“Hey it’s alright, go back to sleep.” You reasure him, rubbing your thumb across his forearm that he’d lazyily slung across your waist.

“Can you make us breakfast?” Theo asked giving you the look of a million pathetic puppys. Whoever said the puppy eyes didn’t work with green eyes, was clearly wrong.

“How about you two go eat cereal and watch TV until mum and da wake up instead."

“Because,” Abbi gestures as if she’s in some teen-drama “there’s no more milk.” Clearly this was a high ranking problem in her little world.

“Okay okay fine, just give me a few minutes alright.” Giving in before she got any louder.

  They nod eagerly and scamper out of the room, but before Theo shut the door he looks back to give you a little smile and wave. You chuckle to yourself at how sweet and adorable he could be in the morning, quite the contrast to his sister. Which you found odd because he was the least cuddly out of the two when they were babies.

  What you didn’t reallize was that Theo was actually waving to Peter. Not even two second after the door clicked shut, you feel him smile into your shoulder before pressing gentle kisses to your neck.

“How long have you been awake?” you ask as you turn around in his arms to face him.

“Few minutes.” He answers grinnign sleepily at your messy bed hair. “I didn’t realize your siblings were that young. I was expecting like ten or twelves years old.”

“Mmmmm nope they’re four.”

“Both?”

“Mmm hmm. Twins. Not identical obviously.”

“Interesting, who’s older?”

“Yeah we have no idea.”

  Peter looked at you quizically, trying to understand what you just told him. He couldn’t tell if you were being serious or not.

  You sighed before answering the unspoken question.

“We weren’t there when they were born. They were dropped off at a hospital the day after. They’re adopted.”

  Peter’s eyebrows shot up, nealy to his hair line as he listened to what you were revealing.

“I wow I had no id-I have no idea what what to say.”

“It’s alright babe, it’s not that big of a deal. They know they’re adopted. It’s some big secret. My parents have told them sice day one.”

“Man that must have been hard on them.”

“Easier then trying to hide the truth their whoel lives. Plus my parents are both red heads, I think they’d get suspicious after a while since they’re both brunettes.”

“True, so are uh are you adopted too?”

“Yep.”

“Hunh.”

  There was an awkward pause in the conversation as Peter mawled over what he’d just learned.

“Me too.” He half whispered

“What?”

“I’m adopted too.”

“Yeah, I guess you are. Huh, I never thought of it that way.”

“Me neither.” He chuckles at his confession. “So does this have anything to do with the fact that in grade 8 you told the teacher that you would rather adopt kids then have your own.”

“Um yeah actually. Peter I gotta say I’m kind of impressed that yo remember that.”

“Ohhhhh I see. You didn’t believe me when I mentioned that I’ve had my eyes on you for a while sis ya?”

“I know now.” You giggle “That actually makes me feel kind of bad that I didn’t really notice you until much later.”

“Meh, no harm done. I think it just gave me time to fall for you.”

“Oh my goodness that was cheesy.”

“Always for you.” He replies making you visibly cringe. Peter leans over to close the gap betweenn your lips. They’d just barely connected when you heard a chorus of giggles and ‘ewwws’ erupt from the doorway behind you.

  You sigh and roll over to tell them off but as soon as you moved, they bolted out of the room giggling as they went.

  Peter chuckled lightly at your departed audience.

“I am so sorry about them.”

“Why be sorry? They’re cute.”

“Believe me, they stop being cute after a while.”

“Where are you going?” he questions while youwiggled out of his grasp and out of bed.

“I have to feed the monsters remember?” you remind him as you searched the through the sweaters laying over your chair, finally settling on a navy blue one that was just slightly baggy on your frame. You stand in front of the mirror while you put your hair up in a messy bun.

“And where do you think your going?” you ask noticing in the reflection that he’d pulled the blankets off of himself to sit on the edge of the bed and stretch.

“Thought we were feeding the quote-unquote monsters. Unless you don’t want me to.”

“Peter I’m not going to say no.” You giggle, sitting yoruself down on his lap, bringing his arms around your torso. “I just didn’t think that you’d want to.”

“Anything with you is an adventure.” He smiles kissing the tip of your nose, then yoru forehead and at last, your lips. You grin into the soft kiss, pulling away after a few moments.

“Good morning.” You whisper

“Good morning yourself.” He leans back in for another kiss but you move your head before he can connect his lips with yours.

“Can’t get too destracted remember?”

“Mmmm of course.” Honestly how is it possible for someone to look that cute after denying them a kiss.

“Well then, off to feed the monsters.”

  The two of you walked out of the room and into the kitchen to see Abbi and Theo sitting in front of the TV watching Paw Patrol. You put two pans on the stove to heat them up while Peter takes the eggs and bacon out of the fridge. By then you’d caught the attention of yoru brother and sister who’d decided they wanted a job. Well more like demanded a job. I’ll let you figure out who did that...

  So you assigned them the task of toasting and buttering the bread. While they did that, they would take turns tackling Peter. One would cling to his leg or foot while the other would jump onto his back. Eventually the toast was forgotten by them but you didn’t mind. All of your previous worries involving Peter and your siblings dissapeared the moment you looked back to see them all playing together.

  After a few moments of flipping the bacon and eggs, you turned to see Peter walk back into the kitchen with his arms flexed and a child hanging off of each bicep, dangling a foot or so off the ground, giggling and squealing the whole time. He just carried them around as if they weighed nothing.

  That just happened to be the moment your parents walked in to see their youngest children hanging off the arms of a stranger. It wasn’t a complete surprise as you had mentioned the day before that Peter might stay over. You couldn’t believe that they didn’t forbdi it. You were prepared to have a big list of reasons why they couldn’t say no. Thankfully, that wasn’t needed. They seemed to be okay with the idea under the promise that nothing ‘funny’ would happen in the bedroom. They far rather the two of you stay at the house than sneaking off somewhere with someone they haven’t met. Well now it was time to meet the parents anyways.

“Morning hun, that smells delicious.” You mother says as she walkes into the kitchen, then stop when she notices the clowning aorund that is happening. “Ahhh this explains the goggling. You must be Peter. It’s nice to finally meet the boy who stole Y/N’s heart.”

“Mum!” you scoff mortifies and blushing as bright as the bacon.

“He’s cute.” She whispers as she passes you to steal a piece of bacon from a plate.

“Hi it um, it's nice to uh meet you too Mrs. L/N.” Peter stammers blushing nearly as red as you , if not more. He’d barely had time to recover before your dad walks in.

“Ah yes, I was definetly prepared for this, this morning. Meeting the boyfriend. Today, the morning of today.” He stalles trying to figure out how to handle the situation. He’d completly forgotten about Peter staying over. That was kind of the plan though, you had asked while he was watching golf so he wouldn’t give it too much thought then freak out.

“Daaaaad. Stop being weird.”

“Right, sorry uh I’d shake your hand but i see that they’re both a little full.” He recovered, jesturing to his kids still clinging to Peter.

“That’s alright.” Peter said starting to calm down once he realized that your dad was just as freaked out by this as he was.

  Peter had admitted earlier that he was nervous about meeting your parents. Especially you dad. Apparently the last time he had to meet someone's dad it didn’t go over to well. But other than the first awkward conversation, the rest of the morning went sommothly. Peter was smart about not showing PDA with your parents around. You mum just loved him right away while you dad was more hesitant. But, he came around. Honestly this mornign could not have gone better. Just you and your little family that you’d accumulated over the years

AN: Okay so this has only been spell checked so please forgive the awful grammar and such. This is the only fic I've done this week because I've been busy with family stuff and lots of home work n top of that. Hope you like it, thanks for reading-xx Reetz <3

[hanmemyphone]

i tried to read V blaming post then i stopped because it seems to not acknowledge the fact that V was domestic abused by Rika. she manipulated him to not get eye surgery and not tell RFA about her. and it's canon that Rika was possibly already planning Mint Eye even before she met V. so i don't like how the post already begins that you can blame everything on V. his mental state is unstable. just like Rika. she still can build Mint Eye, make drugs, kidnap people, but she's still unstable.

Alright, I’m going to assume you’re talking about this post, if not then this is just going to sound like mindless rambling.

She doesn’t state anything but the domestic abuse cause by Rika, I agree however I think she implies it in ,”To Rika, he said he loved her. So if she wanted to hurt herself she should hurt him.” and in “V give Rika this idea that she can be saved by inflicting pain to others, and he encouraged her to be that way.”

But you are correct in saying that she did not ‘acknowledge’ V’s side of the argument. I also don’t like how the post began with ‘blaming V for everything’.The two of them had forms of mental illness and although I don’t have much experience in this, I can see that they were both unstable.They weren’t the perfect couple they appeared to be, they had issues within themselves and didn’t do enough to help themselves.

Although I do think there are some truths in the rant post she wrote, V was still connected the RFA. V should have gone for help, even if he believed that it was all his responsibility. V isn’t selfish, he was doing to his best to cope with something he shouldn’t have been coping with himself.

You can’t blame this on anybody. If you were to blame this all on Rika’s mental illness then you could somehow connect it to blaming things on V’s mental illness, and we all know this isn’t true. 

There were mistakes made and it’s too late to change now. I believe V loved Rika, I believe it wasn’t his fault, none of it was anyone’s fault but a combined ‘effort’ you could say.One thing was for certain, both V and Rika were unstable and both needed help.Rika had an illness of her own and took it out both physically and psychologically on V and he kept this all silent, not even looking for help. This was the flaw in their relationship and this entire situation.

(JUST READ THIS OVER AND IT SOUNDS LIKE INCOHERRENT RAMBLING. IF YOU CAN MAKE SENSE OF THIS I APPLAUD YOU BECASE I CAN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT I JUST WROTE.)When I was writing my initial reaction to the post, I was honestly so overcome by rage. I MISSED WRITING ABOUT THE ABUSE FROM RIKA, so thank you for reminding me.

[kjwongsbrain]

Contains 900% less screaming.

I've not done a movie review in a while. It's not that I haven't seen many movies lately, quite the opposite in fact, but I've not been properly motivated to write a review about any of them. It's not that those movies have been particularly bad ones either, quite the opposite again. I've been watching some really good movies from my to-watch list and since that list is very properly curated, the experience is usually a positive one.

No, the process of writing a review on this blog is often driven by the purpose of writing one. I'm not a film reviewer by any means. I'm just a person who enjoys movies. I enjoy every aspect of movies, not just the final product. I enjoy looking out for smart casting choices, great camera work, beatufiul music and sound production, and the likes. Films to me are a culmination of so many art disciplines that they are an incredibly dense single serving that explodes into a vareity of experiences and emotions.

But that's not the reason I write movie reviews and those of you who've read a selection of them will know that I have written lengthy (very lengthy. Shamelessly lengthy) reviews of things I enjoy and also things I didn't. But neither of those ocassions are done simply to praise or diss the film at hand. The real reason for writing them is to demonstrate just what makes a film something great and resonating on multiple levels, and also sometimes to demonstrate the exact opposite.

Some of my favourite movies to write about recently have been things like Arrival (not on this site, I wrote a short one on facebook) and Batman V Superman - one film I absolutely adore and am seriously considering putting it on my list ofgreatest movies in my lifetime (a list that is at the moment 3 films long), and the other I absolutely despise for just how many things it got wrong and how many things it doesn't understand about the comic-book movie universe we live in today..

And so I find myself now reveiwing something that has given me enough irk (sorry, it is going to be that kind of a review) that I am well motivated to write about it. There will be complaining, there will be self-entitled moaning, and all of it will not mean anything to the movie industry, but perhaps some of you might find it entertaining to read. Also the fact that I'm currently looking back at how little I've been writing and I'm starting to get annoyed at myself.

Remakes have long been part of Hollywood tradition. Remakes and reboots have been going even before color films were a thing. An example of this is Ben Hur, which has now been remade so many times it's only a matter of time before a intergalactic-space-podracing version of it is made next. Wait. It seems like this already exists. To dislike something for simply being a remake or a reboot is silly because even though some classic stories are classics for a reason, a touch of modernity or a recontextualizing of the premises can somethings offer a brand new experience even for those who are familiar with the story. Romeo and Juliet has probably been reimagined a million different times in a million different settings and at least a dozen of those have been decent. I think.

So I'm not going to bash Skull Islang for being a remake or a reboot or whatever the heck it's trying to be what with the DUCU (the Dark Universe Cinematic Universe, which is the name we will forever be using instead of 'monsterverse') and eventually a Godzilla VS Kong film. I am, however, going to put it side by side with the other Kong film that I have seen (because I am too lazy and uninterested in watching the 1933 one and the 1976? one), and that's the Peter Jackson one.

Boy, oh boy is this new one terrible. It's not like I am a super fan of the film Jackson made, but this turd makes that thing shine brighter than Gandalf the White.

I don't even know where to start with this thing. For one the writing is absolutely atrocious. The tone is so incoherrent and the interaction beetween characters so uninspired that even the charisma of one flaming hot superstar, Tom Hiddleston, couldn't save it. And I was just coming around to like Brie Larson but this is going to be a rather bad stain on her career trajectory. She's going to be Captain Marvel next and if the only other work people know her for is Room and Kong, well.... that doesn't look very good.

It's just idiotic dialogue that doesn't make any narrative sense that irks me so much. Sure there are a lot of character stereotypes that get mashed into filmls like these and most of the time it's not as bad as people think, but this one had the added bonus of also being tonally incoherent. There was an unpleasant whirlwind of serious and silly moments that no sentence or character in the film could be taken any bit seriously. There were snarky comments in dire moments, unnecessary idiotic lines dotted all over the place and characters that almost had no idea if they were to be taken seriously or made fun of. To watch John C Reilly flip from insane old man to serious wise man to out-of-touch caveman, all within a minute or so, is beyond ridiculous.

The plot is also a mismatch in so many departments. You have three different parties involved in this 'expedition' and at no point are the motivations of the characters ever clear or rational. I've talked before about movies that make it almost impossible to believe that any actions of its characters fall anywhere in the realm of rationality and how badly this hurts films. Even something as silly as Civil War creates a situation of conflict that is believable enough, and that's really stretching it, where you can buy into the premise of the film.

There's this one jarring moment in the film when the whole troupe of people suiddenly decide that they ought to follow Nick Fury to go hunt down the monkey and at no point in the movie were they ever required to follow him to certain death. Half of them aren't even soldiers and Hiddleston is a hired tracker who's on the island solely for the money. Shouldn't he be listening to his employer and not crazy army man with a grudge?

Brie Larson's unnecessary sarcasm was also very painfully written in. As were the half dozen throwaway jokes that didin't land because there wasn't any hint of this film being any sort of fun light hearted romp.

My favourite bit of the entire film is the red bandana soldier (I don't remember any of their names because they were all so irrelevant to the film) kept belting out something along the lines of "WHY IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT HOW CRAZY ANY OF THIS IS?", and that's probably the crux of why this movie is so bad. Nothing in it makes any sense on any level and so I spent the majority of the movie laughing at it. Not laughing with it like a good comedy would do (by the way, I laughed a lot watching Adult Life Skills, a good movie for anyone interested in a lovely take on the whole 'thirty year old not growing up' type of story), but laughing at it for how stupid and silly the entire film was.

And then I went digging into wikipedia and found this statement - " Vogt-Roberts also wanted Kong to feel like a "lonely God, he was a morose figure, lumbering around this island," and took the design back to the 1933 incarnation, where Kong was presented as a "bipedal creature that walks in an upright position " And that to me is a shining example of how some directors justify their stupid decisions with this idiotic garbage and can't smell the scent of their own hubris infused farts. Kong in 1933 was a stop motion doll. Just because something is old and even if it was in the original, doesn't make it good. This is the whole 'member berry' thing that South Park spent an entire season talking about. It's a demonstration of how naive and immature a director can be when you see decisions like these being made and then the excuse that's given to justify it. That kind of explains the other slew of poor decisions made in the film when it came to the script, the style, the characters, the decision to play music while fixing their gear in the middle of a monster infested island, etc.

It reminds me of Jurassic World in the way that both these films clearly haven't got a clue what makes their predecessors such giants in the film industry. Films like these simply try to create moments and link them together with idiotic dialogue and unnecessary sequences rather than creating a proper narrative weight and emotional resonance. And then go on to make tons of money.

And then there is of course the entire arc of Kong that makes him such a great character to begin with. The essence of Kong as a character was really brought to a perfect cadence in the original plot's third act where Kong is captured and brought to the city. He dies, succumbing to the world of the modern man. That provides a gorgeous contrast to his dominance on his own little island. There have been reviews that have talked about this in greater length, and I agree with all of them. Without the tragic third act, this new Kong movie is simply a big beastie with no motivation and no personality. He's just smashing stuff. Sure they try to shoe in the whole 'protector of the island' thing, but unless it's framed in the cadence of his tragic end, none of it really means anything.

Kong was always a tragedy. The original 1933 film was billed as a horror movie and in many ways it was, but it will always remain as a tragic story and that's where the true personality of this character shines.

And so we have to do the dirty business of comparing Peter Jackson's King Kong with this one and in so many ways Peter Jackson made a far superior movie. One of my favourite scenes in Jackson's movie is the part that they encounter the giant slugs and insects. Jackson's choice of silencing the music in this sequence allows the viewer to feel the hopelessness of the situation for all the characters as they realise the circumstances they have brought upon themselves. But even the action sequences of Jackson's film are so much better. The legendary fight with the dinosaurs was a far better sequence than 100 foot Kong against 'The Big One'.

On a side note, I find that throwing one helicopter and hitting another when you're the size of this new king kong is like us throwing a stone and hitting another stone in mid air. You go try it. Not only is Kong a bit monkey, apparently he's a Major League pitcher as well. Unlike in the original and in Jackson's film you get to see Kong swat furiously and mostly unsuccessfully at flying airplanes, this King Kong can pluck a moving helicopter out of thin air and then chuck it at another moving one with destructive accuracy. No, Mr Vogt Roberts, this does not make the scene cool. That's like schoolboy Michael Bay levels of cool. Which is another way of saying 'idiotic'.

While we're on the topic of idiotic sequences, there's a sequence where lady photographer hears the sound of an animal stuck under one of the crashed helicopters and decides to help it and then SURPRISE! Kong shows up and plucks the helicopter off the ground. And I'm supposed to believe that a giant 100 foot monkey somehow snuck up on this lady and she didn't notice it coming at all. It's a normal idea for there to be a 'sudden' reveal or encounter between character and monster - it's one of the reasons the Alien movies do so well - but when it's a 100 foot ape, there's just no way it immediately looks ridiculous.

I've mentioned that I'm not exactly a big fan of Jackson's remake, but he's done so many things better than this one and you can tell it was a passion project for Jackson and even though he was granted a big enough budget after the success of the Lord of the Rings movies, he was faithful and true to not just the story, but Kong as a character as well.

This new movie is throws all of that in the bin and it feels exactly the way it was intended - as a necessary remake to set up the big fight between monkey and lizard. That makes sense that Kong's character is no longer important, his tragic arc no longer the definition of who he is, and the most important element of the screaming lady completely banished from the script. Say what you want about how we need more strong female leads instead of the helpless damsel in distress but I have a lot of respect for both Fay Wray and Naomi Watts for bringing the scream to life in their respective films. I rewatched Jackson's movie maybe a year ago and every scream Watts did was absolutely impressive. You go try it. You go try screaming like that and conveying the reall feeling of fear and helplessness in the hands of a CGI giant ape. That's some amazing work right there.

And without the final cadence in this new Kong movie, the whole movie is in fact unconsequential. None of what has occurred in this film actually matters. Kong did not grow as a character. All the humans suffer from Transformers level of inconsequence (they killed of poor Toby Kebbell without any rhyme or reason). And the fact that this film has actually recieved generally favourable treatment from the critics and the public means that we're going to invite more of these kinds of movies into our lives and also that Mr Vogt-Roberts will go down the path of many directors who've made stupid decisions and then get handed big franchises. I'm lloking at you Niel Blomkamp, you sci-fi traitor. This young chap is about to take on Metal Gear Solid next so it is likely that the ridicule of video game movies will continue. Even Duncan Jones couldn't save it with his Warcraft movie that was actually good and nobody liked.

So you can probably tell that I'm not invested in the DUCU at all at monkey business hasn't convinced me otherwise. In fact it's convinced me that this is an altogether terrible idea and it's going to add to the pain of already having to deal with franchises that refuse to die like Transformers and The Fast and the Furious. Now we add to that a slew of monster movies that'll take on the 'successful' style and tone of this ape caper.

Sigh.

[hopecartel]

these are our lives

we've got plans to hang out after work. i get off early, and get a pizza from our little caesars. when i call him, his phone is dead. usually i say fuck it, and head home. but i get a sick feeling in my stomach that i need to do something. i need to get ahold of him, i know something's wrong. so i find an old number for nate, who's never able to keep a number. but i give it a try and it works. he goes, "kyle's a little drunk right now." i get fucking pissed. it's a wednesday. then he says i should just come get him because he's being a little belligerent nate tells kyle that i need to talk to him, i hear kyle yell, fuck you bitch and for some reason something goes off inside me. i get so fucking mad i say, well nate looks like he's your problem but nate is begging, he's making me worried he tells me they're at his neig"hbors house, i think it's where adriana lived i think it's where lizzy bought her first pipe when we started smoking spice. when i get there some girl who's probably only twenty five opens the door. she's wearing a zip up hoodie and pajama pants. i wonder what the fuck i'm walking into. "you can come around in here fool." and i hate these kinds of people. kyle, i hate your people. when i walk into the house i want to puke, it smells like weed, rubbing alcohol, and cleaning chemicals. there are people sitting on the couches, they all looked drugged out. they look so fucking high i'm almost scared to be here. there are everclear bottles on a cheap coffee table, next to a bong and a smaller pipe. there are small baggies of pills. behind me i see a guinea pig, in a small cage i think, wow what a classy hang out then i almost cry when i see kyle. he's laying face down on the ground, the carpet is cheap, dirty, and burned in several places i struggle to get him up. i struggle to keep my cool and i'm trying to talk to nate to figure out what kyle's on. he finally gets up but he can't put on his shoes. he can't tell his left from his right. everyone is fucking watching me he leans on me to walk out, and he keeps spitting on their carpet i lose my shit here, i go, "what the fuck is wrong with you" and i'm trying to apologize but it's like i'm talking to brick walls these people so fucking high i don't even know where they are i'm disgusted no matter how i discuss it. and when we get outside he keeps trying to hug me. i get him home, he's sitting on his bed and all i can do is yell. my hoodie and folder in my hand, i tell him, "this is all i want from you." i try to leave. he's trying to lay down, he's saying, "baby i love you." he keeps repeating it but it keeps getting louder i sit down on the bed next to him. his eyes are rolling to the back of his head it's torturing me to sit here and watch this. i wonder what he could be on. for some reason i force myself to sit here and watch it. i feel like i somehow deserve it. he can't talk clearly and his facial expression keeps changing his breathing is irregular. when i get up he looks like he's going to cry. i put blankets on him so i know he's warm i put blankets on him because i'd hate myself if i didn't. when i go to leave he confesses that he took mushrooms. "i'm tripping out so bad," he sounds so scared. he tells me i need to save him. i stand there with my hand on the door and listen for a few minutes eventually he quits murmuring, his slurring stops and his eyes are mostly closed. i turn the light off and before i shut the door i choke out, "bye kyle." when i get into my car i sit in his driveway for a few minutes in silence. i want to cry but it feels like i forgot how to. i eventually start my car and go home. nate calls, he asks if kyle's safe. he's saying he drank too much liquor. he says he's got to go. it hits me how low my pride is right now, walking into what i reflect felt like a meth house, dragging your drunk booming boyfriend off the floor. i think, nice job hope. good choices. my reflection is interrupted by a call from sam taraguici. at this weird point in my life, they are an essential communication. his name on the screen makes me sick to my stomach. he asks if i'm with kyle and then hangs up. i can hear they're still partying. i'm about to fall asleep when sam calls again. he's freaking out. he says, hope you need to call char alex just called, and said that for one bullet he'd give him all the money in his savings and his truck. i'm incoherrent, and i can tell sam is getting frustrated "hope do i sound like i'm fucking kidding?" he tells me, you're all those kids have. i think, but what the fuck do i have? he says he's gonna call alex back and he'll let me know. when he does, he's sounding even worse. i hate this fucking night. he tells me the house they're at got busted, a kid who had ran away got too fucked up and called his brother, who sent the police he tells me not to call char, he's gonna call alex and get it all straightened out. at this point i don't have alex's number. i think, this has been the longest night of my fucking life. and, kyle fucking owes me for dragging him out of that house. it's two in the morning. i have school in five hours. 2010