#this is in the st5 script ik i read it

[bylerisc4non]

the thing that keeps me up at night is the fact that i need mike wheeler to vent, rant, scream, sob, and throw a fucking tantrum. because this boy is so traumatized. all i ask is that he breakdown and let it all out.

i need him to be fighting with will and then just say, "you think this was easy for me?! you think it wasn't the worst fucking experience of my life when you went missing? i lost my mind that week! i couldn't stand it. i lost you and then i lost el who'd helped us find you. you came back, yes, but it wasn't the same. you weren't the same. nothing was the same. because once you go through that shit, you can't go back to how it used to be. once you are forced to grow up like that you can't pretend everything's okay. you know that, you went through it too!

"and everything only got worse because the next year you started having those goddamn episodes and got possessed by the mind flayer. and i had to just watch as you deteriorated. i had to watch and cover my ears to block out your screaming. and i- i couldn't do anything! i was fucking helpless. a- and it was fucking awful. so my bad if i ignored you the next summer and focused on el. the thing was, i was supposed to love her. so, i tried. i tried so hard. and i couldn't figure out why i didn't. and then you moved and everything went to shit all over again because you weren't there and i needed you. b- but it was my fault, right? because i didn't reach out? well, you didn't either! and it fucking sucked because i tried to call only to hear the same goddamn busy line! every time!

"then y- you gave me that painting. and i wanted to tell you. i wanted to spill my guts and tell you. but i couldn't because you wanted me to tell el i loved her. you pushed me to tell her i loved her. and don't deny that because you did and we both know it. sometimes you're just so ignorant, will. you're so ignorant because you want to be. you don't want to see that you affect the people around you! you don't want to see that you could be happy if you only let yourself! and you don't want to see that you're the most important person to me. you think i wanted to be made fun of in school for that fact? be made fun of by bullies because we were just a couple of queers? sorry if i didn't just drop everything and run into your arms because people like us don't have it that easy! so, forgive me for not explaining everything sooner because it really wasn't an option."