#this is in between and around the sorrow and anxiety and nerves btw

[suzirya]

Joys:

Found a leaf to meditate on throughout the day in blazing colours, pet a dog named Milo who kissed my hands and whose excitement at being loved was palpable, saw dryer-lint clouds scudding across the sky so fast, saw leaves whirling into the air like notes caught up and scattered. Read the first chapter of Inciting Joy by Ross Gay on the bus and felt it tug on me.

Walked to the coffee shop and when I came inside the barista said yeah you better come in here and not walk on by and we smalltalk shot the shit while I got a cayenne-orange coffee. Went next door to the bodega-style store that was being restocked on fresh fish and other sundries and whose delivery people were polite, excuse me, thank you, and the owner went to the cafe next door to get me little containers of butter and a knife so that I could have those to serve with the sourdough I got for any of us who are at work today. Also Milano double-chocolate cookies. And the loaf was gone by end of day, and the cookies well-munched.

The smell of a perfume I wore that reminds me of two people at once and that I can enjoy by holding my inner wrist up to my face, interesting weathering shades and tones on concrete, seeing construction workers stretch and hold ladders steady for each other, heartbreaker chile made by El.

Listening through a playlist and feeling happy with the flow of it at last. Warm breeze on a lunch walk. Everyone cutting each other a bit of slack, a lot of grace, don't worry about it.

Lovely convos on and off by text with a best dearheart friend. My coworkers and I wishing each other a night, be well, take care.

Seen: a young man having his hair cut by another young man on a rental-house porch while wearing a giant T-shirt, and it's dusk, and another probable housemate carrying a case of ginger ale past them into the home, and feeling tender about it all.

A free shot of sake from a kind bartender at dinner part one.

El wearing a cologne of theirs I love and me feeling more grounded because of it.

Having a space to gather in for a bit after work and eat dinner in community. A dog who's happy to see us. Juniper and cedar notes in a fizzy beverage. Floor time. Lying back with my eyes closed and listening. Improvised music featuring a drum set, a bass, piano, flute, and trumpet as well as hand percussion and humming. Sometimes fumbling and not-working but working towards. Sometimes harmonious and fluid and "clicked" into place. A period of silence in the middle of the improvised sound. Candles. And a room to retreat to while others in the gathering space clamoured, and it felt like being younger and listening to the party in the next room while taking a sensory and stimulation break. The joy of building a grilled cheese at a DIY bar in the two-person kitchen and someone else cooking it for me, assembly line style. My friend present there letting me share their tomato soup because there was only one bowl left but they wanted to let me dunk my grilled cheese. All of us in the room promising to talk to our therapists and resolve emotional residues before committing to a major change in our hairstyle because we all kinda wanna buzzcut down to near-bald again. And texting, again with dearheart friend, about playlist brainstorming, which is playful and felt good. And breaking a glass in an improvised wreck room. And the casual presence of group chats.

And a hot shower.

And posting this that I've been working on since 9 am this morning, to see how the little things can add up, which has always been something I can do to get through and then get to it.