#this is going to wreck my poor emotional ecosystem

[amelia-friend]

[fandom-space-princess]

fic writer interview

tagged by @sinaesthete - thanks boo 💕

How many works do you have on AO3?

18. Somehow. I only started posting them in January, which means I've been averaging more than 2 per month?! Granted, most of them are one-shots, but still. Bonkers.

What’s your total AO3 word count?

79,889. I have contributed one novel's worth of questionable fandom content to the greater ecosystem. Joy unbounded.

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

The only fics I've published where anyone else could see them (or finished, for that matter) are for Supernatural. Others exist. I may even dredge them out into the light one day. Especially the Dragon Age ones, when DA4 comes out and inflicts some inevitable violence upon my poor little heart.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

In descending order:

- Wayward Family: (T, 31589 words/26 chapters) Sitcomnatural, aka Seven Fools In A Bunker AU. Stream-of-consciousness first drafts from the beginning of the year, when I was starting to catch up on the show again after having dipped out sometime around season 6-7ish originally. I honestly expected zero readership for this, and was pleasantly surprised that so many people responded so well to it. Because I was definitely still knocking the dust off my writing skills at that point, lol. Maybe one day I'll go back to it and make it better - there's definitely stuff I'd do differently next time around.

- Some Live Like Orpheus: (T, 6193 words/1 chapter) Adam rescues Michael from the Empty, featuring Adam as Orpheus and Michael as Eurydice, with special appearances from Jack and the Shadow. The first thing I wrote that I was really, genuinely pleased with myself over.

- Vox Celeste: (E, 1909 words/1 chapter) Midam smut. PWP, in fact. Lyrical, pretty smut (or at least, that's what I was going for), but all the same.

- The First Day of the Rest of Your Afterlife: (T, 4558 words/1 chapter) Sequel to 'Orpheus'. Michael and Adam having their happily-ever-after together. This might be the most utterly self-indulgent fluff I have written. I love it.

- Two Weddings and an Engagement: (T, 7812 words/1 chapter) Written for the tumblr Midam wedding day. The Love Is Requited, They're Just Idiots - truly the most trope of all time. Featuring background sabrileena, because I am a joyful polyamorous disaster bisexual and I think they should all get to be, too.

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Uh. To my great shame, I mostly don't. I always want to - the fact that people take time to comment on my writing is not lost on me as an act of love involving effort, and I can't express how much it means to me. I read and cherish every single comment I get. But interacting on AO3 takes a lot of spoons for me for some reason - and usually I just. Don't have it in me.

I'm working on it.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I don't write much angst, because I am first and foremost a cinnamon roll in need of fluff and comfort. But it does happen occasionally. I think the angstiest fic is Reliquary - more of a ficlet, really, since it's only about 600 words. But they're 600 words of Major Character Death, and I made myself cry writing it, so probably that one.

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

Nah. Not really my jam.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No direct hate! The closest I've gotten was someone getting rude about characterization, which was more funny than anything else. What a strange thing to pick a fight over.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Quite happily, yes. I find physical intimacy to be very fulfilling, personally, and writing about my characters having those experiences themselves is fun.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge...?

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Also not that I'm aware of.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have not. I kind of suspect I'd be a nightmare to co-write anything with. My writing brain works when it wants to work, not when I want it to work necessarily. And I have no way of predicting when that will be.

What’s your all time favorite ship?

I have a terrible time choosing favorites of anything, so I aggressively multiship. That said, in spn? Michael/Adam. Very closely followed by (exclusively S5 & earlier) Lucifer/Sam.

Outside of Supernatural, it's kind of a tossup. Probably the DA2 OT5 polycule (Hawke/Anders/Fenris/Isabela/Merrill). I'm aware this is a ship for insane people; I will not be accepting criticism at this time 💀

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

As of now, I actually plan to finish all my current WIPs! Pyrphoros was in very real danger of ending up in WIP purgatory for a while, but fortunately or unfortunately for everyone involved, Sin read the first chapter and gave me a pile of compliments. So now I am honor-bound to finish it (<creature brain> Friend liked fic must write more fic must please the Friend </creature brain>). It's getting worked on, bit by bit around my other projects, but still. It's happening.

What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm decent at getting emotions across? I'm also good at vivid visualization - in my head, I can usually see very clearly what I'm trying to describe, and I feel like that's helpful in getting it down effectively. Beyond that, I'm honestly not sure what you'd call my strengths.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I have close to zero control over when I'll have both time and motivation to write. Some of that is just the reality of balancing a more-than-full-time job with my hobby. Some of it is the executive dysfunction. But it does mean that when I'll finish anything can be... unpredictable.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I can't do it, and I don't love reading it. If I have to go looking for a translation somewhere in the notes, it wrecks my immersion in the story. No shade to people who do enjoy it; languages are gorgeous, and translations are imperfect at the best of times. Often the language something is written in is inseparable from the tone and cultural context it is meant to convey. But if given the choice, I don't seek it out.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Like I said, Supernatural is the only fandom with anything published. I think the first fandom I ever actually created anything for was Buffy. (Is that cringe? Yes. But consider: I live free of the shackles of shame. I am cringe, and I am happy).

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Probably one of the mini Midam week ones from earlier this year. Tie between Radio Silence and Every Day's Most Quiet Need, both of which turned out much better than I expected.

Not tagging anybody this time because my brain is currently scrambled eggs, although if anyone wants to do this please consider yourself tagged and feel free!

[all-things-are-nothing-to-me]

Why We Fight

When you express your opposition to the established order, you are often flooded with questions, immediately called upon to justify your opposition on multiple grounds: Why do you see the state/capitalism/civilization as inherently oppressive? How would you feed/clothe/treat people without industrial technology? Wouldn’t anarchy devolve into looting and violence? What about the children?

The questions are endless, and soon you might find yourself stuck in defending your positions from all sorts of absurd questions and accusations to the point that you lose track of your actual reasons and motivation for opposing this shitty society in first place. Not only are we expected to have a working model of an alternative society in our heads (a futile exercise), we also have to explain how such an alternative model would be a better for humanity or at least for society.

Leaving aside the pointlessness of planning imaginary societies that would supposedly replace the current one after a revolution which never arrives (and which wouldn’t turn out like expected anyway), why should we be expected to define our critique of society in terms of what is best for society or for humanity? Why should I concern myself with society/humanity as a whole at all? And why should I be expected to justify my opposition on such grounds when I might have my own motives which might have absolutely nothing to do with such things?

Such concerns are a product of the humanism that emerged out of the enlightenment. Without god, humans were placed at the center of the world, and a myriad of voices emerged claiming for the progress of mankind, for a brotherhood of men and for other such nonsense.

The thing is: I don’t give a damn about humanity, whether we are talking about the totality of all living humans or about an abstract and reified concept of humanity. Despite being quite good at abstract thought and wrecking ecosystems, humans are no more special than algae and jellyfish, and I see not reason to concern myself with the fate of humankind.

Neither do I care much about the fate of all of those that are stuck in this wretched society, which is only united as such (and mediated) through impersonal and artificial institutions and machines. How could I even pretend to truly care about people that I have absolutely no personal relationship with? Why do I need to explain how each and every group of people composing society would have their needs fulfilled without industrial society before acting against it?

And most importantly: why do I need to justify myself at all when industrial society is breaking, taming, robbing, caging, destroying, controlling and ruining everything and everyone I love?

As someone raised in the depths of the industrial best, I can feel the shackles that constrain me whenever I try to move. Everywhere I go, I am being watched, tracked and monitored (as I have been since the day of my birth). I am always being judged according to arbitrary rules that were created without my consent and are enforced through the threat and application of institutionalized violence.

I am constantly being exposed to industrial poisons that permeate the air, the water and the earth, not to mention the disorienting and mind-numbing assault on the senses that results from the ugliness of the machines and the machineworld. As I try to fulfill my desires, I realize that almost all avenues for such fulfillment are mediated by money, which requires that I commodify myself so I can reach for other commodities. Other avenues are often illegal and put me at risk of injury and/or arrest.

Yet, even in this shitty world, there is much that I love. I love myself and my individuality in all its contradictions for a start. I love my thoughts, emotions and my flights of fancy, and I love sharing them with my affinities. I love my body and I love to walk, run, dance, sing, climb, fight and fuck.

I love my comrades and I love how they enrich my life, inspire me and strengthen my own individuality. I love particular places that have shaped and still shape me, even some places within the hellish cities that I have inhabited. I also love rivers, trees, birds, mountains, jaguars, snakes and funghi.

There is, however one issue: not only myself but everything I love is under siege. My friends are mutilated, tired, caged, depressed, anxious, and stuck between trying to survive industrial civilization and seeking for some semblance of meaning and dignity. Their pain hurts me too, and fills me with the desire to destroy its source.

Every wild place I know is being encroached by industrial civilization, and the places that have already been encroached are witnessing the destruction of every small vestige of wildness. Rivers I have bathed in as a child smell of sewage now, and it saddens me to watch the floating debris make its way downstream. Patches of forests, shrub-land and grasslands that have often provided me a haven in some of the industrial hellholes I have lived have vanished, making way for apartments, stores and parking lots. The singing of birds that lifts my spirits is slowly being replaced by the sound of machines.

Industrial civilization has no brakes. It moves forwards relentlessly on its suicidal path annihilating and/or absorbing everything that stands in its way. It will continue to do so unless it is stopped or collapses. Leftists “radicals” will say that this isn’t a feature of industrial civilization. Blame it all on capitalism! We only need a marxist/anarchist revolution to stop the destruction and turn the “forces of production” into forces of liberation. Or so they say...

Even if such ridiculous ideas had any credibility to them, I’m not waiting for their never-coming revolution/salvation while everything I love is being destroyed. Instead, I chose to fight right here and right now. And I’m not fighting for an abstract idea of revolution, a reified wildness or an artificial “brotherhood of men”. Such abstract ideas are poor sources of motivation and strength, and only encourages the sort of self-sacrifice that turns the struggle to reclaim our lives into another prison. Instead, I fight for myself and for real people, places and living and nonliving entities that are a part of me as much as I am a part of them. And for us, I am willing to fight to the end.

[readmetxt]

The section about proto-chasers is really good

The street subculture is very much an ecosystem, filled with niches and animals to fill them. There is a type of predator, a vile and contemptuous evil, that exists to prey on every kind of person, and one exists for the transsexual. Called ‘Transie Hawks’, they are always men, and they live by entrapping and destroying vulnerable and innocent transsexuals. Robin saved me from one.

Loneliness is the constant companion of the transitioning transsexual, or at least was in 1981, and it is a particular weakness of those who are undefined, who have no place in the scheme of things. I was ignorant, and I was very emotionally vulnerable. Transition is a second adolescence, with all that implies. I was far too easily manipulated and far too weak in self definition or understanding. One day, I met a man, all smile and shine, all snappy patter and compliments. I to this day have no idea of how it happened, but this con artist managed to move into my apartment in but three days, and set himself up as my purported boyfriend. Like a tornado, he wrecked my world, and blew the trailer park of my stability to ruin. I cannot even remember his name anymore. But I somehow woke up when he started talking about a joint checking account.

Robin came home, absent for a week on some wild adventure, to find me at this point. Robin was both afraid, and furious. He took me aside, explained that I had been taken by a fast acting predator, and that I was in terrible danger. The transie hawk survives by swiftly setting up a parasitic relationship with a host transsexual. The Hawk gains access through providing false emotional support precisely when the poor transsexual is most vulnerable, after they are rejected by friends and family, become alone and afraid, and desperate for any kindness. Once attached, the transie hawk is supported by the transsexual, who is under the illusion that true love has found them, and that everything is going to be alright. As the transsexual earns money to be put away for surgery, the transie hawk siphons away that money to support a rich lifestyle. When all is inevitably revealed, the transie hawk runs away laughing to find another victim, and the impoverished, emotionally destroyed transsexual sinks into absolute paralyzing despair, and often, suicide. Sometimes, the transsexual is murdered outright, an event almost never investigated, or of any concern to the authorities.

Robin, by some adventures involving his many sexual partners, had gained some ‘favors’ from the local criminal underworld, and made use of one of these to save me from any retribution by the suddenly evicted transie hawk. Robin counseled me to never speak of the event to any street person, nor to act anything but cordial should I ever accidentally run into my predator again. The hawk had been forced to back down by threat of Robin’s connections to the local equivalent of the Mafia, and this was a delicate situation. But ultimately, it saved me, and I was never the target again.

So is this part about the divide that would eventually be encompassed (and I would argue oversimplified) by Blanchardism

In 1982, at the Gateway Gender Alliance, the rented room in the Unitarian church was effectively divided by a simple difference of purpose. On one side were the transvestites, who had started the organization. These were mostly very older men, with a penchant for pinafores and miniskirts, and a predilection for growling in deep voices about WW2, the Big One. They dressed as sexy or outrageous as they preferred, to satisfy the sexual fetish they had with regard to woman’s clothing. They were loud and happy to pursue their occasional hobby.On the other side of the room sat the usually timid transsexuals, dressed rather innocuously, even somewhat prim, the better to blend in and be accepted, or at least, left alone. They tended to favor jeans and lace tops, or the occasional simple long skirt. They were there to cope with the complexities of living their lives entirely and completely as what they were inside, and quietly burdened with the life or death struggle they faced.On one side, the painted clowns, on the other the grimly serious schoolmarms. That was the state of the genderqueer in 1982 San Jose.

[birdseyetea]

April Newsletter

Hello Fellow Tea Drinkers!!

March simply flew by, right? April is really where spring starts to live up to it’s name...thank goodness! I love taking a daily walk around my land, or pretty much any familiar place, to intentionally notice changes. One of my favorite aspects of spring is that everything looks beautifully messy as different species awaken and start to grow at different paces. Stubborn grasses and spritely chickweed encroach on gardens, dandelions make a full floral display across the landscape, bright yellow daffodils clump together in strange ornate arrangements, giant camellias drop their showy flowers as soon as the weather warms. This messiness is a blessing. It expresses the complex fullness of living systems where, visually, ordered chaos reins supreme. 

Plants blanket the earth, storing carbon and water in their above and below ground parts. Plants can remediate pollution, bioaccumulate toxins, team up with bacteria and fungus to work together to fix nitrogen or scavenge for nutrients...each plant creates habitat and food for large and small organisms, and so much more. It is our basic responsibility as humans to foster the diverse mess along so that our plant brethren can continue to create the ecological stability and oxygen we need as our world becomes a much less predictable planet climatically. Terrestrial and marine plants/algae are earth’s natural filters, if we can learn to change our behavior and practice smart reforestation future humans will be incredibly grateful.  

Learning to simply appreciate the role and pure agency of plants and their microbial partners reminds us of our own inherent adaptabilities and cooperative nature. Plants show us how to boisterously thrive in unorthodox spaces, such as narrow cracks in pavement that provide breeding ground for dandelion, yarrow, pineapple weeds, zinnia. Plants sense the world around them, knowing when to save energy and retreat into oneself when conditions are harsh or when to stretch and grow a little farther toward the sun. Humans love metaphors, using our senses to feel and witness the world around us allows us to use metaphors from nature to describe our own humility, compassion, generosity, strength, and courage. This is a blessing we are imbued with. We can walk outside our doors and find meaning imbedded in the venation of a maple leaf or the distinct pitch the wind makes as it rushes through the canopy of a familiar apple tree. There is sonic melody and visual signatures everywhere in nature that help remind us of the roots of our own being and the masterpiece of ingenuity and creativity that exists within and around us every moment. 

Familiarity is the key to deep lasting love, generosity, and connection. Being in the present to witness the incredible intelligence of thriving ecosystems helps reduce our ego and ambition for destroying in the name of human centric development. We are not at the center of things individually or collectively. But we have incredible power to transform the matrices of biodiversity in profound ways that have lasting consequences for the planet. When we slow way down to witness and learn to tend the living world around us we better understand our own nature, and we begin to see the parts of our being that have not been coopted by our social and political systems. 

Getting out there into the dirt, growing food, tending a medicinal plant garden, and cultivating flowers is a perennial act of service to yourself and the planet. We can change our lives to live in better alliance with nature so that future generations are not strapped with a massive reliance on built environments and expensive technologies to compensate for an ailing planet. Reimagining how we can live, grow food and medicine, and use open space to create ecological resilience and sustainable resource security is a terrific use of our time. When we spend time outdoors gardening, observing nature, participating in restoration projects, doing environmental research, foraging, etc we are simply happier less selfish people. We start to sense we are part of a much more complex community filled with incredible diversity and we learn to love it, and then we are willing to protect it.  

This past month I have been thinking a lot about the importance of connections. I am intimately connected to my farm, to wild ecosystems, to my friends, and to my community. But it did not happen overnight, I have been cultivating these relationships for a long time. As I have come out of an intense year of loss, grief, and uncertainty I have reemerged with parts of me that are the same, some parts still feel raw, but so much of myself has been carefully and actively transformed. My connections to the earth and to my intimate community allowed me the stability to jump head first into the depths of the scariest parts of myself and face deep negative patterns. It felt pretty wild and destabilizing at first, but my friends accepted the mess I was in completely and without judgement. In fact, to my surprise, they were my biggest cheerleaders, never wavering in their support when I felt like a nervous wreck. 

It has been a slow arduous process but I have begun to teach myself how to change the ways I respond to the world. I’ve developed a healthy objectivity that allows me to tackle problems that arise in my daily life or in larger social and ecological contexts without feeling inadequate or ignorant. The world needs us to be mature and willing to accept change as an opportunity for something profound to emerge. We choose how we connect to the world around us, it is our personal responsibility to work at connections and patiently foster renewal in others. The large problems our society and planet face are going to take a lot of creativity, persistence, and collaboration across disciplines. We all have wisdom and energy to invest in deepening reciprocity and overcoming our differences. As spring progresses let’s use the momentum to boldly connect and invest in projects that positively build connections, abundance, and tolerance.

Here are a few shots from my farm today:

Glow: Dandelion Root, Burdock Root, Nettles, & Calendula

Glow Tea is a liver and kidney tonic tea. This tea helps your organs of elimination and ultimately promotes clear skin and increases energy. Nettles, burdock, and dandelion are energetic movers, together they feed your lymphatic system, liver, and kidneys to encourage their resilience and natural abilities.

Poor diet, lack of exercise, and consumption of excessive caffeine and alcohol can dramatically fatigue your body and put stress on the liver and kidneys. Feelings of sluggishness energetically but also slow digestion and metabolism are common at the end of winter. It can be a bit of a shock to our systems to suddenly jump headstrong into physical activity as spring arrives, glow tea works synergistically with your body to support your lymphatic system, liver, and kidneys as the organs themselves do what they do best.

This blend is more potent when simmered on the stove before being strained and sipped.

Clarity: White Peony Tea, Rose Buds

Clarity tea is a really lovely white tea blended with aromatic rose buds. This blend is rich in antioxidants and uplifting aroma. I like to send at least one white tea blend each spring because white tea is less processed than green or black teas, therefore it retains more beneficial antioxidants. White tea is typically the young leaves from the tea plant just as they are unfurling from their buds in springtime. The leaves are more tender and less bitter when harvested than later harvested leaves, so they do not require an extensive fermentation process before being dried. The young leaves are harvested let to wither and slowly dried creating a profile that is mild, ever so sweet, and carries a very slight grassiness associated with green tea. 

White tea is very symbolic of springtime tenderness. It reminds me of the sweet vulnerability and optimism of a fresh start. We can all use an emotional reset in during spring. As you drink Clarity tea let yourself sink into the present moment and sense the youthful charisma of the season. Spring allows us to be both renewed and tender at the same time. Learning new skills or changing patterns or relationships that are no longer serving you takes a lot of self-kindness and optimism. Just like rebuilding muscle mass to take on spring gardening, mental and emotional changes require the same kind of exercise and training. Clarity tea can be your wise teacher this month.    

Allergy: Nettle, Elderflower, Red Clover, Eyebright, Fennel, Marshmallow, Mint, & Bee Pollen

Allergy tea doubles as a lovely nourishing tea, so everyone should drink it, not just those with spring allergies.

We talk to several hundred people at the farmers markets in Seattle every weekend and a large number of people who come by our booth end up buying the allergy tea two or three times during the spring. I do not really identify as someone who has seasonal allergies, but I get a little stuffy with headaches on breezy spring days. Regular cups of allergy tea help reduce my symptoms. I hope you wont even notice your allergies this year because you have been drinking a wonderful allergy tea.

The herbs in this blend support and reduce springtime pollen sensitivity and allergy symptoms such as sneezing, runny nose, congestions, inflamed sinuses, and watery eyes.

Nettles have a natural anti-histamine in their leaves and have a soothing action on the respiratory system. If you are truly committed to natural allergy support try freeze dried nettle capsules or nettle tincture made from fresh nettle leaf…or better yet, regularly eat fresh nettles all spring.

Eye bright is helpful for puffy flushed eyes that are a common allergy symptom. Marshmallow is a demulcent herb, it has a smooth slimy texture (derived from sweet mucopolysaccharides in the tissue of the plant) that soothe dry, irritated, or inflamed tissues of the throat and lungs. Bee pollen is used to help people desensitize their body to allergens. Consistent low doses of bee pollen daily can really improve some people who suffer from seasonal allergies. It is definitely worth trying! Catnip is a natural decongestant with calming properties.  Elderflower is another remedy for sore and inflamed eyes associated with allergies, and can also reduce fever. Red clover flower has long been used in allergy blends for its expectorant properties.