#this is brought to you and inspired by that wonderful Kevin meta post I saw earlier bc it made me think of him and his faith in other people

[void-and-virtue]

Do you ever think about how Kevin thinks he’s broken down into enough pieces that everything he has left to give is his unbending faith?

Do you ever think about how Andrew has had everything taken from him, been abandoned and lied to and failed until he decided that the one absolute he had to give, the one thing he refused to let go of or break because it was the last thing left, was his word?

Do you ever think about how Neil understands the worth of a sincere promise because every single lie he’s ever told about who he is and what he’ll do made true belief in people, both being offered it by others and the ability to feel safe enough to extend it to someone else in trust, the most precious things he’s ever known?

[revjess-flradio]

The Top Ten Bad Horror Movies That I Love

Not ranked in terms of love, just listed.

10. Stay Alive: The Director’s Cut (2006)

This movie is not good. Not good at all. It’s a cheesy as shit, supernatural horror movie that was pushed heavily by Game Informer, simply due to its plot. The film tells the story of a video game (that is basically a Resident Evil/Doom clone on PS2) that kills you in real life if you die in-game. Few things are redeemable in this film. The biggest names in it are a post-puberty, mid-Malcolm Frankie Muniz and one of the McPoyle Brothers. The rest of the crew is just sort of there. It’s worth seeing once for sure, simply for the novelty of it. I think I love it because I watched it so much when it came out. I searched through so many Exchanges, Blockbusters, and Wal-Marts trying to find it. When I finally did, I wore the DVD out.

9. Thir13en Ghosts (2003)

This big budget horror movie, inspired by William Castle, was the first from Dark Castle Pictures. It had a decent team of producers, including super-producer Joel Silver.

It tells the story of a family who moves into a futuristic house after inheriting it from a sketchy uncle. Everything seems cool at first, but, SURPRISE! There’s a gaggle of ghosts in the basement. What follows is a ridiculous haunted house movie with some decent effects and a decent cast (Tony Shaloub, Matthew Lillard, F. Murray Abraham, etc), but also insanely stupid writing. My dad and I watched this movie once together. My sister and I watched it about 20 times in 3 months. They had a special feature on the DVD that was individual stories about each ghost, and we had each one memorized. If you’re looking for a fun time with a bad film, you really can’t go wrong with this one.

8. Bride of Chucky (1998)

This movie is, without a doubt, the beginning of the end for Chucky. Admittedly, all of the Chucky movies are stupid. Yet, this one has something about it. At least, they were smart enough to go with horror-comedy with this one. I was 5 years old when this came out and I fucking loved it.

Chucky is back, baby, and ready to walk down the aisle. Along the way, two teenagers in the same situation get taken hostage by the two dolls, and what follows is a stupid, plot-hole filled, campy mess. But, goddamn, it’s entertaining.

Going back a few years later, it’s clear that I was an idiot as a kid. The whole movie is stupid, but hey, at least it’s funny. That is the one thing it has going for it (well, that and seeing Jennifer Tilly in leather outfits). It gets bonus points for the first Chucky kill, in which Chucky takes out a guy who is, in no way whatsoever, a Marilyn Manson ripoff.

7. Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror (2006)

Hey, kids? You like Snoop Dogg? You like Tales From The Crypt? Well, you’ll dig Hood of Horror. This anthology film tells three stories in the Hood of Horror, each one hosted by Da Cribkeeper himself, Snoop D-O-Double G.

Each story has an urban take on common horror movie tropes, which, admittedly, is an interesting concept. It also has a decent cast of “anything for a paycheck” actors like Ernie Hudson, Jason Alexander, and Danny Trejo. However, it is not good. It was released by Xenon Pictures, who I’ve only ever seen one other movie from which was TV: The Movie (from the other Jackass guys that aren’t Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera), which I absolutely hated. But, something about this one really stuck with me. It’s stupid for sure, but man, it’s a lot of fun.

6. Rob Zombie’s Halloween II: Unrated Director’s Cut (2009)

Once again, I’m going with the Director’s Cut because it is a better film. However, this does not make it good.

As much as I love Rob Zombie’s movies, there’s no denying that the sequel to the 2007 Halloween reimagining is definitely his worst one. He decided to add a lot of symbolism and hidden themes to a slasher film. They are certainly interesting, for sure, and it’s the reason I love it. But, there’s no denying that Rob Zombie cannot write dialogue to save his life. By focusing on the symbolism and less on the brutality that the first one was chock full of, it made the film suffer as a whole and it doesn’t feel like a sequel. If anything, it feels like some kind of weird arthouse version of Michael Myers. However, when the kills finally do happen, they are the standard brutality we have grown to expect from Rob Zombie. Plus, it seems that Rob Zombie shot his symbolism wad with his 2012 film, Lords of Salem. His latest film, 31 (2016), brought us back to brutal sadistic violence that he became known for with his Firefly family movies. Still, it’s worth seeing once.

5. Tusk (2014)

As a Kevin Smith fan, I love this movie. As a movie fan, I can admit that it is terrible.

The film inspired by a phony classified ad was made for a small budget and made less than 2/3 of its budget back at the box office. I saw it at an evening showing, the day it opened, with my wife…..and no one else. Not one single soul was in the theater besides us.

It tells the story of a podcaster who goes up to Canada and gets turned into a walrus by Michael Parks. Need I say more? Add a ridiculous Johnny Depp cameo, and you got a movie. If you don’t listen to any Smodcast network podcasts, you won’t get the movie or any of the inside jokes it contains and you aren’t expected to. You will probably hate the movie, to be honest. But, that’s okay. My wife hated it because she thought it was supposed to be serious. Then, she heard the podcast during the credits and she loved it.

4. Vampire’s Kiss (1987)

Here’s a shocker. There’s a Nic Cage film on this list that isn’t The Wicker Man (2006).

Vampire’s Kiss tells the story of a big shot at a publishing company who has a night with a neck biter and slowly goes insane, believing he is one of the undead. It is an attempt at psychological horror, but it ended up being an unintentional black comedy and it is the performance that should’ve won Cage the oscar.

This movie is campy, overacting gold. Nic Cave doesn’t chew the scenery. He rips it’s heart out, drinks the blood, cooks it up and swallows it whole. The whole movie is just him trying to one up his overacting in the previous scene. It is glorious. The movie is fucking awful, but it is glorious. Buy this movie, now. Don’t hesitate. It’s perfect for a group watch.

3. My Name Is Bruce (2007)

Bruce Campbell is a gift from the heavens. The man saved the world from the Deadite plague, not only in modern times, but in the middle ages. That being said, this movie is beyond B movie status. It was made for 1.5 million, grossed just under 200 grand at the box office, and was doomed from the get go, due to the extremely polarizing fan potential.

Bruce Campbell is recruited by a small town to fight a killer demigod who is threatening their small town utopia. It’s a super meta, super cheesy, fan service comedy horror movie that is by no means a good film.

If you don’t like Bruce Campbell, which makes you a terrorist in my book, you will not like this movie. However, since I view him as the 10th World Wonder, I fucking love this movie. It’s Bruce Campbell. Enough said.

2. Knock Knock (2015)

Keanu Reeves has such a strange film career. This is probably the best example. As much as I love Eli Roth, there’s no denying that this movie is terrible.

A devoted husband and father gets stuck in the fight for his life after he bangs two flight attendants and they decided to kill him. Along the way, we get to see so much overacting that Nic Cage would be so proud.

Keanu Reeves is the reason I love this movie. Specifically, the climax, in which he delivers a monologue in an attempt to defend himself. IT WAS FREE FUCKING PIZZA!

1. Freddy VS Jason (2003)

I fucking love this movie. As a kid, I had the entire NOES collection and had watched all the FT13s multiple times. When this was finally released in my 4th grade year, it was like Christmas. Looking back, yes, it is bad. Really bad. But, man, I love it.

The nu metal soundtrack, the one liners, the clearly-a-Jason Mewes-ripoff stoner character, the stupid fights, the thrown together story. My god, it’s fucking brilliant.