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spnhunter4life · 2 years ago

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So Long Chapter 7

Word Count: 5.4k

A/N: The chapter count has gone up to 9. This chapter is all about a case, and I originally planned to start and finish it in one chapter, but things got way longer than I expected. It ended up being almost 12k, so I decided to split it into two. I hope everyone enjoys! I'm really excited about these next chapters!

Series Masterlist

So if we knew all along Why did it take so long? We’ve known it since we were young So why did it take so long? You know you make me feel loved Make me feel like I’m home So if we knew all along Why did it take so long?

Ages 24 and 25 August 2004

I sipped at the coffee I’d ordered, a second one for Dean sitting across the table. We were stopped at a diner for breakfast, but he hadn’t come in yet. Just as we’d pulled in, Dean’s phone started ringing. He told me to go ahead and get us a table and he’d be right in.

I scanned the articles in the newspaper I was reading, looking for a possible case. I’d already been through the obits and none of them looked like supernatural deaths, so I was hoping I could catch something somewhere else in the paper, unlikely as it may be. I heard the little bell above the door ring and a few seconds later Dean was sliding into the seat across from me.

“Find anything yet?” He asked

“It’s not looking promising,” I told him.

“Good,” he said, taking the newspaper from me. He closed it and set it on the table. “That was Bobby. He’s got something for us.”

I was about to ask what it was when the waiter, noticing Dean’s arrival, came to take our order. Dean spent approximately five seconds looking at the menu before spouting off his order of sausage, bacon, and eggs. I ordered an omelet and hash browns.

“What did Bobby say?” I asked when the waiter was gone.

“There’s this five star hotel in Idaho. They hold these retreats three times a year, one in March, one in August, and one in December. It’s something they started six years ago. And every year for those six years, people have gone missing during the August retreat, which just so happens to take place in two days,” he explained.

“How come nobody’s noticed? You’d think people would stop coming when they realized there was a high risk of being murdered.”

“You would think,” he said. “But the hotel’s done a good job of covering it up. Bobby had to dig pretty deep to find this information. I’m honestly not sure how he caught onto it in the first place.”

“How do you cover up six disappearances? Especially at such a high profile place?” I wondered.

“Are you kidding? That’s exactly how. It’s high profile. They have money and connections. Makes it a lot easier to hide things.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I agreed. “Well it definitely sounds like something’s going on there, but there’s nothing that makes it sound like our kind of case.”

“Maybe not. But we’ve gone off of less. Besides,” he continued. “We kind of have to go. Bobby’s already got us registered for it.”

“What? Why?” I asked.

“It’s a retreat at a five star hotel, Jenna. That’s not something you can just sign up for last minute.”

“No, I guess not. Alright,” I sighed. “What kind of retreat is it?”

Dean cleared his throat and shifted in his seat a little.

“Well, in March it’s a business retreat. A thing companies can bring their employees to for ‘team building,’” he said sarcastically, putting air quotes around the words. “And in December it’s sort of a family holiday thing.”

“And in August?” I prompted.

“Um,” he looked down at the table. “In August, it’s a uh… couple’s retreat.”

My breath caught and I felt my heart stop for a second.

“Oh,” I managed to say. “Okay. You know,” I continued after a short pause. “Idaho is halfway across the country. Wasn’t there anyone closer Bobby could have asked?��

“According to him, no.” Dean responded. “Apparently pairs of hunters are in short supply. Most of them work alone. And there’s even less available that could pass as a married couple.”

“Right. Well I guess we better eat quick and start driving,” I said.

Dean hesitated for a minute before answering.

“I already told Bobby we’d do it. But… I’m sure he’ll manage to find someone else if it makes you that uncomfortable.”

“No. It’s not that,” I assured him. “It’s just… the whole undercover thing. We’ve never done anything like this before. It makes me a little nervous I guess. Like I’m going to have to be on my guard constantly to make sure I don’t slip up.”

“I get that,” he answered. “But I’d say we know each other well enough to pull it off. We’ll spend the drive there getting our story straight. And also, nobody there is going to be paying that close of attention. They’re going to be too focused on themselves to notice anything about us.”

I knew he was right. And it did make me feel a little better, but that wasn’t my primary concern. A couple’s retreat. With Dean. Pretending to be married to Dean. It was like I was being given everything I’d ever wanted, but with the understanding it would be ripped away from me again in a few days. And even while I had it, it would be clear that it wasn’t real.

Things would be back to normal any time we had privacy, and even in public things wouldn’t have to be that different. We would smile, tell lies about our “marriage,” maybe even hold hands. It really wouldn’t take more than that to be believable. I wasn’t sure if that made it better or worse. But I would suck it up and do the job. I was an adult and a professional. I could handle it.

~~~~~

“We have a reservation under Young. We’re here for the couple’s retreat,” Dean told the hotel receptionist.

We’d spent the past two days driving all day in order to get here. Dean had relayed the rest of the information Bobby had given him about the case to me, and I’d mentally prepared myself for the next two and a half days.

We’d pulled into town at 4 o’clock, an hour before our check in time. We found a small little mall on the opposite end of town from the hotel where Dean grudgingly handed over his hard earned poker money in exchange for a couple of new outfits for the both of us and a couple of cheap suitcases. We couldn’t exactly show up to a five star hotel with old rumpled clothes and duffel bags. We both wore rings on our fingers. Dean had switched the ring he always wore from his right hand to his left. I was wearing my mother’s wedding ring. It was something I always kept with me, but I’d never actually worn it before.

“Alright, sir. Here’s your key,” the receptionist chirped as she handed over the plastic card. “You’ll be in suite 802. All of the activities will take place in conference room A, here on the first floor. There is a complimentary dinner being served there at 6:30, provided by the hotel’s restaurant. Enjoy your stay!”

Dean thanked her and we took an elevator up to the eighth floor.

“Wow,” I breathed out at the same time Dean let out a low whistle as we closed the door to our room behind us and looked around.

It had been clear enough from the lobby that this place was very nice, but I still wasn’t expecting the large, open room we stepped into. The floor to ceiling windows showed off a clear view of the city. The bathroom was shiny and clean, boasting a double vanity sink as well as both a walk in shower and a bathtub. The couch looked comfortable and new and was situated in front of a large TV. And the bed was huge. It was king sized with an excessive amount of pillows and a soft looking blue comforter.

“We should stay in places like this more often,” Dean said from where he’d perched on the edge of the mattress. He bounced a couple of times, checking the firmness.

“Sure,” I agreed. “We’ll just make a few withdrawals from our overflowing bank accounts.”

“Can’t you let a man dream?” he complained.

“Sorry,” I smiled. “It will be nice to sleep in a bed again after two nights in the car though.”

“It’s not that bad. And at least you can stretch out a little bit and fit comfortably,” Dean said as he moved to sit fully on the bed.

“Hey!” I objected, watching him sit up against the headboard and swing his feet onto the bed. “No shoes!”

“What? You’ve never cared about me having shoes on in bed before.”

“Yeah, but I’m not usually sharing the bed with you,” I pointed out. “And,” I added before I could overthink that statement, “the beds aren’t usually this nice.”

Dean just huffed and obediently kicked his shoes off onto the floor.

We had a little over an hour before we were supposed to be in the conference room for dinner. We took turns in the shower since neither of us had been able to in the last couple days. Then we went over our story one more time, making sure we covered everything. This was going to be both the easiest and the hardest role I’d ever had to play for a case.

Our names were Jenna and Dean. Dean was a mechanic and I was a writer for our local paper. We’d met when we were kids. It took Dean a few months after finding out we were soulmates to work up the courage to ask me out. He finally did the summer between junior and senior year. We’d gotten married last year. Any other details we needed could be made up on the spot. We decided to stick to the truth as much as possible to make it more believable.

Once we’d gone over it all again, Dean turned on the TV. We still had 20 minutes to kill. I sat next to him on the couch, trying to pay attention to the episode of Family Feud that was playing, but I couldn’t focus and was having a hard time sitting still. He didn’t seem quite as on edge as I felt, but Dean was fidgety too.

It was almost a relief when 6:30 rolled around. I wasn’t used to feeling uncomfortable at all around Dean, especially to this degree. I was ready to get this started and over with.

We left our room a couple minutes early and strolled into conference room A at 6:30 on the dot. Apparently this couple’s retreat was made up of people that lived by the phrase ‘if you’re not early, you’re late,’ because despite being on time, we were the last ones to arrive.

“Oh good!” Chirped a lady at the front of the room. She was wearing a nametag that identified her as Mallory. A man named Dave was standing next to her and there were five couples seated in a semicircle around them. “Now that everyone is here, we can start!” She gestured to the two empty chairs at the end of the half circle and Dean and I sat.

“I’m Mallory, this is Dave, and we’ll be hosting all the activities for this retreat! Now, before we serve dinner, we wanted to play a couple of little icebreaker games. After all, part of the reason you’re all here is to meet other couples, right?” Mallory said.

There were various head nods and murmurs of agreement from the other couples in the room. Dean and I nodded along.

“So,” Dave said, clapping his hands together loudly. “I want you to pair up with the couple sitting next to you. You’ll split up around the room and you’ll have ten minutes to talk and get to know each other. When time’s up, you’ll all come back here and instead of introducing yourselves, you’ll introduce the other couple!”

I mentally rolled my eyes but pasted a smile on my face. Dean and I walked to one corner of the room with the couple we’d been sitting next to. They looked to be in their early 40s.

“Hi,” the woman smiled, offering her hand. “I’m Stephanie.”

“I’m James,” her husband said, shaking both of our hands after Stephanie.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Dean said politely. “I’m Dean and this is my wife Jenna.”

“So where are you guys from?” James asked.

“Sioux Falls,” I answered. “South Dakota,” I clarified when I could see them trying to figure out where that was. Dean and I had decided on Sioux Falls for two reasons. One, we didn’t exactly consider Bobby’s place to be our home, but it was probably the closest thing we had to one. Two, while it wasn’t exactly close to Idaho, it was close enough that it was plausible for us to have chosen this place for a weekend away.

“That’s nice,” Stephanie said. “We’re from Ketchum. It’s just a couple hours from here.”

“How long have you guys been together?” I asked.

“We’ve been married fifteen years this month,” James said, smiling at his wife.

“That’s so great! Congratulations,” I told them.

“What about you two?” James asked.

“Well we’ve only been married for a little over a year. But we’ve been together for… eight years,” Dean answered, pausing to do the mental math.

“Wow. You look so young! You must have gotten together in high school,” Stephanie commented.

“We did,” I said as I smiled at Dean. “A few months after we both turned 16.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet!” Stephanie cooed. “But then I have to ask. Did you not know each other before then, or were you just not interested until you realized you were soulmates?”

Dean laughed good naturedly.

“No, we knew each other,” he said. “And believe me, I was very interested. I just… needed that little boost of confidence I guess. Once I knew she was mine, I couldn’t not do something about it.”

And there it was. These were the kind of conversations that were going to make the next two days extremely painful. I felt my heart racing at Dean’s statement and the very convincing loving smile he was currently wearing as he looked at me and laced his fingers through mine.

“How did you meet?” James asked. I cleared my throat before answering.

“Just in school. When we were ten, Dean’s family moved to Sioux Falls from Kansas. We became friends pretty quickly. How about you?”

“Oh, we didn’t meet until we were 26. I’m a doctor and she was a nurse at the hospital I did my residency at. The details are a little blurry since I was just coming off of a 22 hour shift, but I literally ran into her on my way out the door,” James told us.

“It was a little tricky trying to build a new relationship between our crazy schedules, but we made it work,” Stephanie added.

“What do you guys do?” James asked.

We passed the rest of our ten minutes this way, taking turns asking and answering questions. When Dave called time up, we walked back over to the semicircle of chairs we’d started out in.

“Alright,” Dave said enthusiastically when we were all seated. “It looked like everybody was having good conversations. I’m excited to see what you learned about each other! Why don’t we start on this end?” He suggested, gesturing towards Dean and me.

“Um, ok,” I said unsurely as Dean and I stood back up.

“This is Stephanie and James,” I said, gesturing to the couple that had stood up with us. “They’re from… Ketchum?” I questioned, looking to them to make sure I got it right. Stephanie nodded encouragingly. “He’s a doctor, she’s a nurse. They’ve been married for fifteen years.”

“They met at the hospital they were both working at. They have two kids and a dog,” Dean continued, taking over for me much to my relief. He listed a few more facts that we’d learned about them, and then it was our turn to be introduced.

“This is Jenna and Dean. They’re from South Dakota. I’m sorry, I don’t remember the town,” Stephanie said, addressing the last comment to us. I assured her it was fine.

“They met at school as kids and were best friends until they both turned 16 and realized they were soulmates. They’ve been together ever since, but only married for a year,” James added.

I listened to the information they were sharing about us and couldn’t help but notice how close and yet how far it was from the truth. Which was the point, I suppose. I held back the sigh I wanted to release at the longing I felt for this life that, in a different world, might have been mine.

“Thank you! That was great!” Mallory said when they were done. “How about you two lovely couples next?”

We listened to the other four couples introduce each other. By the time that was over, I was ready to eat. But though there were two large tables set up, there still hadn’t been any food brought into the room. And then I remembered that Mallory had mentioned icebreaker games. Plural.

“Okay,” Dave announced as he walked down the line, handing out paper and a pen to all the men. “Now I want each of you gentlemen to write down a favorite memory of you and your wife. We’re going to mix them all up and read them out one at a time. Wives, when you hear the one written about you, I want you to say it’s yours. So make it a good memory guys!”

I looked at Dean. He seemed a little tense. I wondered what memory he would pick. Was he already struggling to come up with an idea or just trying to find something that could be even remotely interpreted as romantic?

“And while they’re doing that,” Mallory continued. “Ladies, come with me.” She grabbed a bunch of brightly colored fabrics off the end of a table and moved to the other side of the room where a space had been cleared. “Everybody grab a blindfold and then line up and help the person next to you put theirs on. I’ll help whoever is last,” she instructed, holding out her handful of fabric.

We did as instructed and then waited to hear what was next. The fabric was thick and was far down enough on my nose that I honestly couldn’t see unless I looked up enough to see through the small gap at the bottom. Mallory walked down the row, assigning us each a number based on the order we were standing in.

I heard Dave giving the men instructions across the room. He numbered them off and then told them to line up across from us in order. Once the noise of shuffling feet stopped, he gave more directions.

“One at a time, you guys are going to move through the line. Ladies, you’re going to have fifteen seconds to feel the man in front of you and decide if he’s your husband or not. Don’t say anything though. After everyone has gone through we’ll ask you which number you think your husband was.”

Easy enough. I was confident I’d be able to pick Dean out. It actually sounded a little boring. And a little more up close and personal than I liked. Dean I was fine with. I was perfectly comfortable touching him. But I wasn’t looking forward to the five strangers.

“Any questions?” Mallory asked.

I wanted to ask if once our husband had been through the line we could skip touching the other guys or if we could stop touching before time was up if we were certain it wasn’t our husband in front of us. I didn’t want to offend anybody though, so I kept quiet.

“Okay. Will husband number one please step up to wife number one?” Dave instructed. I heard the man take a few steps forward. “Your time starts… now!”

“Time!” Dave called out a few seconds later. “Please move to wife number two.” That was me.

Not at all excited about this, but also feeling my competitive side coming out, I waited for the greenlight and then reached forward. The man was standing a little closer than I had expected. I felt his hair first. It was the same haircut Dean had, but if I was remembering correctly, three other men here all had the same haircut, so that didn’t mean much. I moved my hands down to his cheeks and was met with scruff. Not Dean then. I wasted the rest of my time halfheartedly feeling over the guy’s shoulders. I wondered if this was James.

“Time!” Dave called again and the man shuffled down the line. We continued on like this for several minutes, everybody waiting their turn to feel or be felt.

The second man wasn’t Dean either. I knew as soon as I reached for his hair and realized he was shorter than I was anticipating. I could tell right away that the third man was wrong too. His hair was much too long.

The fourth man stopped in front of me. I felt his hair first as I had with the previous three men. It was the right haircut and the guy seemed to be around the right height. His cheeks were clean shaven. Was it him this time? I ran my hands over his shoulders next, feeling the width of them. It might have been right. I thought they maybe felt a little too slim though.

I moved my hand towards his right ear, feeling just behind it. It was smooth. This wasn’t Dean either then. Dean had a small scar there from being thrown through a window. The glass had left a few nasty scratches, but luckily none of them were serious.

The fifth man stopped in front of me. I felt the hair first again. There were only two guys left and I was pretty sure that they would have the same haircut, so it probably wasn’t helpful. But if I was wrong about how many men here had the same haircut as Dean, this would rule the guy out immediately if it wasn’t him.

His hair was the length I’d been expecting. His height definitely felt right. I realized I had overestimated the size of the previous guys, because this one was noticeably taller. I moved down to his cheeks. No stubble. I felt his nose. It was slightly crooked. Behind his ear was my next stop. And I felt the scar I was looking for. I was all but sure it was him now, but I still had time left and who’s to say this guy couldn’t just happen to have a scar in the same place as Dean? That’s fine. There were other indicators I could look for.

My hands darted down to his shoulders. They felt more like what I had been expecting when I checked the last guy. His left bicep was next on my list. There was a rough patch of skin there, a scar from a salt round that had grazed him. I knew I couldn’t have more than a couple seconds left, and I used them to trace over his lips. I hadn’t been paying attention to be fair, but I doubted there was another man here with the same soft, pouty lips as Dean.

“Time!” Dave called.

Waiting my turn for the last guy was hard. I already knew it wasn’t Dean so the little bit of challenge I’d had was gone. And I was having a really hard time sitting quietly, knowing that there was a line of four more girls all taking a turn feeling up Dean. I knew it was ridiculous. They were all married. To soulmates of their own.

They were likely doing the same as me and touching him as little as possible once they’d ruled him out. And there was only one more guy left, which meant there should only be one woman who hadn’t ruled him out automatically. That thought made me feel a little better, but I still didn’t like it.

I think part of the problem was that I didn’t know what they were doing, although I honestly wasn’t sure if being able to see it happening would make it better or worse. Probably better. I could assure myself it was as perfunctory for them as it had been for me with the other men. But I figured part of me would never be ok with seeing other women touching him, no matter the circumstances. This was just a really dumb game for a couple’s retreat. What woman is ok with the thought of her husband getting felt up by a line of girls?

I’d worked myself into a bit of a mood by the time the last man stopped in front of me. Thankfully I was good at hiding it. I reached up for his hair. It was a bit greasy, possibly from product, but I wasn’t going to spend any more time with my fingers in it. I moved down to his cheeks as was the pattern I’d established. I left my hands there, motionless for a few seconds before moving down to his shoulders. Dave called time and I was glad to be done.

As the last guy made his way down the line, there was movement in the room. I heard the sound of footsteps and clinking of dishes accompanied by the mouthwatering smell of food.

“Alright, great job everybody,” Mallory said when everyone was done. I wasn’t sure why. It’s not like it had been a particularly difficult game. And we hadn’t even found out how many of the women were right yet. “Before you take your blindfolds off, we’re going to have you give us the number you think your husband was. Don’t worry if someone says the same number as you. It’s all part of the fun! Let’s start with you Hannah.”

And so we took turns saying our guesses.

Four. Five. One. Four. Two. Three.

“Hannah and Julia, you both picked the same number. Would either of you like to choose a different one?” Dave asked.

“I would,” Hannah said immediately. I’m changing my answer to six.”

“Okay! Blindfolds off,” Mallory instructed.

I did as she said and looked down the row of men in front of me to the fifth person in line. I wasn’t at all surprised to see it was Dean. He gave me a small smile.

“Great job ladies! You all guessed correctly!” Mallory cheered. “Now, I’m sure everybody is ready to eat, but we just have one last thing to do.”

“That’s right!” Dave continued, waving a few pieces of paper in the air. “We still have to do the memories. Remember ladies, when you hear the one written about you, let us know. Alright,” he said, clearing his throat before reading the first one. “‘One of my favorite memories with my wife is the time we went scuba diving in the Bahamas.’”

“That’s us!” said Anna. She and her husband Ethan were the youngest couple here at 23 years old.

“That does sound like a lot of fun!” Mallory said. “Okay. The next one says, ‘One of my favorite memories with my wife is the time she was sick and we sat together all day watching movies.’”

I figured that one was Dean’s, but it was generic enough that I waited just a second to see if anyone else would claim it.

“That’s us,” I said when no one did. That was definitely a good day for me, illness aside, but I wondered why he had chosen it. I suppose our time together was spent hunting, so there was a limit on memories he could choose from.

“If you don’t mind my asking, why was Jenna being sick a favorite memory?” Mallory asked Dean.

“It was in high school before we were together,” he explained. “She was really cold, so all day she was curled up against me to try and keep warm. It was the first time I ever got to be that close with her.”

I heard a few awws from the women around me and felt myself blush.

“Oh, that is so sweet,” Mallory cooed.

The two hosts finished reading the rest of the memories, and then finally announced it was time to eat.

“Here is the itinerary for the weekend,” Dave said before we sat down to eat. He set a small stack of paper on an empty table. “Mallory and I are going to take off now and let you folks enjoy the rest of your evening. Feel free to stay here and mingle if you want.”

With that, they went to what looked like some sort of little office connected to the conference room, leaving us to eat.

A couple of waiters were standing by the food they’d brought in. Once everyone was seated, they started bringing plates around. Everyone was given steak, a baked potato, and a side salad. It might have been the best food I’d ever eaten. As we ate, Dean and I chatted with the other couples at the table.

“What do you say we go down to the hotel bar and keep this party going?” James asked once everybody had finished eating. There was enthusiastic agreement from several of the couples. One of the couples, Julia and Pete, declined, stating they had their own bottle of champagne and wanted some time alone.

“Dean. Jenna. You coming?” Stephanie asked.

“You know, we would, but we actually had a pretty long drive up here. I think we both need a little bit of time to unwind tonight before all the fun tomorrow,” Dean said. I nodded in agreement.

“Alright. If any of you change your mind, you're welcome to join us!” James called to us and the other couple as we left. We took the elevator up to floor eight with Julia and Pete and waved goodbye as we went to our rooms.

“Wow,” Dean said when we were safely behind closed doors. “Can you believe people actually pay money to participate in this crap?”

“It’s definitely a bit over the top,” I agreed.

“A bit? If you want a romantic weekend away, why spend it with other people playing ridiculous games? Why not spend your money on something that’s actually fun?”

“Like what?” I teased.

“I don’t know. Like… a cruise. Or… I don’t know, maybe a nice hotel room without your entire weekend scheduled out for you by crazy people.”

“They are pretty enthusiastic,” I agreed. “Luckily you didn’t have to spend your money on it then. You can thank Bobby for putting you through this.”

“I mean, come on,” Dean continued as he looked over the itinerary he’d grabbed on our way out. “If I wanted to do a scavenger hunt, which, by the way, I’m certain no one does, I’d go to a six year old’s birthday party.”

“Scavenger hunt?” I asked.

“Don’t tell me you’re actually excited about that,” Dean scoffed.

“No. It sounds lame. But does it say where exactly it’s at? It could be a good opportunity for us to snoop around a little bit.”

“Good thinking. Looks like the whole first floor is fair game.”

“Ok, that’s a start,” I said. “When is that supposed to be?”

“Uh… tomorrow at 1,” he answered. “The good news is, that’s the first scheduled activity of the day which means we can do whatever we want until then. Hopefully we can figure out what we’re even looking for. You don’t have any theories yet, do you?”

“Based off of this evening?” I snorted. “No.”

“Yeah, me neither. You don’t think Mr. and Mrs. Peppy have anything to do with it, do you?” he asked.

“Who, Mallory and Dave?” I considered it. “Maybe. The people hosting the retreat would obviously have information about everybody and access to them. We’ll have to find out if they host it every year.”

We spent the next couple hours doing as much research as we could from our hotel room. It wasn’t helpful since we didn’t have much to go on.

“Well,” Dean sighed. “I think it’s time to call it a night. Lots to do tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Probably a good idea,” I agreed.

We took turns in the bathroom getting ready for bed. I finished my turn and stepped back into the room. Dean was laying on his back on the left side of the bed. I gave myself all of one second to prepare for sharing with him.

It was only for a couple nights. The bed was so big we wouldn’t have to touch each other. I told myself it wasn’t all that different from sharing a room with different beds. It would be fine. I could handle it.

I crawled into bed, slipped under the covers and turned onto my side, facing away from Dean.

“Goodnight,” I managed to choke out.

“Goodnight,” he answered.

I reached over and turned off the lamp. It took both of us a while to fall asleep.

Chapter 8

#supernatural #fanfiction #dean winchester #original female character #original characters #soulmates #soulmate au #dean winchester x ofc #dean winchester x soulmate!ofc

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sweetlifetownsville · 6 years ago

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Doing A Little With A Lot: Move Over Jesus, Your Loaves And Fishes Stunt Ain't In It Against The Townsville Bulletin.

The good old Astonisher showed its going to be more of the same in 2019, sleight of hand, selective reporting and all manner of insulting idiocy same old, same including a spectacular miss this weekend not a word about one of Townsville most long standing favourite eateries bites the dust Michels On Palmer Street is no more. Bancroft boo-boo Channel 7 embraces fake news: so lacking in a sense of the ridiculous, theyre about to disappear up their own ummm kazoo. And the President turns on the pester-power: Trump throws the biggest and longest tanty in living memory ruining the holiday season for thousands of his own people. But first For those many people who have been inquiring about Mark Donnellys funeral in Cairns, it will be at 2pm Wednesday Jan 9th, at St Francis Church, Mayer Street, Cairns. Vale, mate Moving On Its climate change on Bentleys mind. Our toonist is originally a Croweater from Adelaide, and he was amazed to see the jam packed crowds on Adelaide beaches in a TV report about the ghastly weather theyre having over there. The Pie also recalls that during his time in the City of Churches, beach-going was an occasional thing and attracted only sparse crowds to the sandy shores. But Bentley believes climate change is rapidly altering time honoured Aussie pastimes, and soon, getting an all-over tan will be a thing of the past.

Speaking of Things Of The Past

This now sadly includes the much loved Michels restaurant in Palmer Street, which served its last mean on December 22nd. This is how the unexpected news was broken on FB.

It will be sorely missed by many, including The Pie, who just hung out for the lunch-time beef and burgundy pie. Ironic that the one time our local paper had the opportunity to use the word iconic almost correctly, it has completely missed this information which would be of far more interest than the iconic Sizzlers leaving town. (More on that shortly). Well That Didnt Take Long Did It? The Townsville Bulletin set the tone for the year on the very first day of 2019, Tuesday January 1, with a rib-tickling own goal with this front page.

Wow, all those people turning up for a pic, where did they all come from? Well, at least half of them from nowhere. Heres how this little piece of patronizing chicanery went down. First, a couple of weeks ago, this appeared on the Astonishers FB page.

Boy, be on the front page! And didnt that get them flocking in for their 15 minutes of fame not. Just 41 people made themselves available, including the Cowboys mascot and as many of the Bulletins staff who could be spared to avoid the embarrassment of attracting almost bugger interest.

Then the front page appeared, a cheesy tedious old trope of people spelling out the year. Many people more than 41, it would seem. But hang on, lets have a closer look.

Whats all this? This is what all this is.

fair to say that all those excited people were beside themselves behind themselves, and then in front of themselves. Now a while back, the flagship of News Corpse tabloids, Sydneys Daily Telegraph got a clip arround its corporate ears for photo-shopping pics of politicians in unflattering historical situations. As if we needed to be told that Kevin Rudd was a nazi! Pretending to be chastised, management decreed that in future, just so no one was misled, all photoshopped images in all News publications would carry the legend digitally altered.Someone at the Astonisher overlooked this, clearly wishing the few readers it has left would believe it was so widely popular that it had attracted a throng of NY well-wishers. but it seems someone suddenly realised that some arsesole like The Magpie maybe would tumble to the lie, so thinking they could squirm out of it, they really blew their foot off by belatedly posting this on their FB page. The Pie has asked before, and now asks again are they all bloody drunk down there? BTW, the relevant FB page is said to have attracted 4500 views which at a guess that would be comprised of 4458 editorial and advertising staff and their family and friends frantically revisiting the FB as often as they could. At least that was the drill when The Pie was taking Ruperts shilling. But Wait, Theres More The firsts for the year kept coming thick and fast. This story had people wondering if the paper had a cut-price Tardis operating

and that resulted in the first correction of the year.

Although it is quite possible that Messagebank Walker, send out last years media release, and true to form, the reporter just wrote it up with a thought of what it was actually saying. f they would know the difference. Another media release that went into the paper untouched and of course unquestioned could have been headlined Mission Impossible.

Hahahahaah gasp snurffle dont you just love the combination of casual impertinence and immeasurable benchmark of making Townsville Australias first mentally healthy city. This is pure Labor crackpottery at its best, and a great excuse to wring out a few more public dollars for pointless jobs for the boys and girls. Mentally healthy City steering committee? National leader in this field? Pray tell, just how is this going to be measured oh, wait, I know soon it will be announced that we have achieved the title of Australias mentally healthiest city, but we cant be told why or any details because of both privacy and Commercial in Confidence reasons. What an out and out rort. The Townsville City Council has no business stumping up a single cent for this totally obscure nonsense. And youve just gotta love that this call for a mentally healthy city is coming from one of the greatest rates-gouging, anxiety-creating, booze-binge inducing ineptocracies of posturing inadequates one couldnt create as fiction.

And all publicised in a paper that has long abrogated its traditional responsibilities in the interests bargain-basement kiddy journalism and a quick advertising quid (and hows that working for you, eh?) Yet Another Jarring Juxtaposition And it would appear that either no one checks advertising content against news content to avoid this sort of blundering idiocy.

But never mind, iditor Jenna Cairney knows how to thunder away about the really important issues affecting us during the week, it was oh, dear it was people who oh, The Pie cannot bear to utter the words, read it for yourself.

Now normally, itd be kind to let this slide, but its hard to ignore when the iditorial completely contradicts its own ramblings by actually quoting one of the few believable people who work for the paper, fisherman Eddie Riddle, who said sometimes, believe it nor not, people just catch no crabs. Crab pot theft happens less than people would have you believe.Clearly those people who would have you believe that it is rife include the iditor and the beat-up reporter of the original story. Then There Is This From comments during the week. The Magpie From the alleged files: THE TOWNSVILLE BULLETIN ALLEGEDLY ACCUSES THE POLICE OF PLANTING EVIDENCE.

So they allegedly found a shotgun, unequivocally meaning there is some doubt in terms of English, the paper means the cops could be lying and they didnt find a shotgun or else, leaving open the possibility that they planted it there and didnt find it. FFS they either did or did not find a shotgun, and if it comes down to who to believe the Bulletin or the police its no contest. The coppers should complain. And anyway, saying they found the weapon is not legally dangerous and so attract an allegedly , since no names or details of the arrested man are published. During the coming year, The Pie will be running an alleged file from the Astonisher, along with an iconic file the paper has already made a sterling start on that one. This from comments on Friday. The Magpie January 4, 2019 at 11:24 am(Edit) Had a bit of an amused warble and added this to The Pies iconic list.

Iconic is something that is immediately recognisable, usually unique, and with which one readily associates with a name, place or occupation. The Eiffel Tower is iconic, as is the Statue of Liberty, Big Ben, the Kabba in Mecca, the Golden gate Bridge, and closer to home, the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Now alas with this local departure, down south, all the front bar chat and dinner party braying will be along the lines of Townsville? Wasnt that the Sizzler place until a while back? Oh, the shame. Keeping an eye on legendary, too. A Bigger Laugh From The Big Bash Crickets bumbling sandpaper cheat Cameron Bancroft returned to the crease this week in the Big Bash league, and the commentators were so busy tip-toeing around that elephant in the room, they managed to miss a wonderful howler made by their producer.

The commentators, all ex-sporting boofs, so not much could be expected of them, unquestioningly rabbited on about Bancrofts personal attainments, especially that last one. Returned to Tame Impala as their kazoo player? They didn;t dare question the truth of the matter, but they did have a rare old yukity-yuk about it. The producer had unwittingly copied and pasted this bit of nonsense lifted from a story that was doing the rounds, and had originated guess where? The Betoota Advocate, Australias funniest satirical paper. And for the record, Bancroft has never been in the band Tame Impaler, which has never featured a kazoo player anyway. The Pie is wondering, given Bancrofts infamous South African venture, if Bunnings might not offer sponsorship. And Now Off To The Week In Trumpistan and its wall-eyed child President.

. Thats it forn this week, and the silly season is coming to a close (not that you could tell at any time from our august organ of Flinders Street West), and some very interesting snippets have been dropping into the Nest for future examination. Wer will start on them next wee, but comments are running around the clock, so have your say. And any support by way of donation for the efforts over the coming year will as always be greatly appreciated. He how to donate button is below. http://www.townsvillemagpie.com.au/doing-a-little-with-a-lot-move-over-jesus-your-loaves-and-fishes-stunt-aint-in-it-against-the-townsville-bulletin/

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luminisvii · 6 years ago

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So it’s pretty late right now and I’m liberally using the Bold function, but let’s talk about bad fanfiction.

Usually the first thing that springs to mind when it comes to bad fanfiction is My Immortal. Anyone who’s talked to me for more than five minutes knows that My Immortal is undoubtedly one of my favorite pieces of literature. And that’s not a joke, I think it’s an absolute masterpiece of bad. The misspellings, the reworkings of the characters to be goth/scene in an incredibly middle school way, to Marty McFly’s cameo to the chapter written by a self proclaimed troll--It’s a perfect storm of bad literature that makes for a hilarious read. I won’t get into a huge tangent but what makes My Immortal so funny is it has a certain level of naturalness to its writing where you’re never quite sure how serious the author is. The true joke is the mystery. We’ll never know who wrote the infamous fic and how serious they were when they did.

However, My Immortal is kind of scratching the surface. See, that’s a fic that’s actually funny bad. Most bad fanfiction is bad bad. Today, I intend to discuss the lesser known fanfic that I rank as being one of the most difficult reading experiences I ever had, and I only successfully pulled through after many years thanks to the love and support of my friends and us reading it out loud at 4 AM.

That fanfic is known as My Inner Life. Don’t let the title fool you, it was written well before our favorite goff showcase and it’s honestly a whole lot worse. This Legend of Zelda fic, written by one Jen and based on her dreams, features a young lady named Jenna who is a simple merchant traveling in Hyrule when one Link catches her eye and it goes downhill from there. The short version is that there’s a lot of overly dramatic sex, tedious clothes descriptions that include too many triforces, poor treatment of horses, Jenna getting praised and lavished with attention for no reason, and no research put into the lore. After a while it straight up forgets about being an Ocarina of Time fanfic and launches off into some nonsense about griffins and an evil lord I can’t actually remember the name of (It was very late and I was very tired so I called him Lord Asshole after a while, it has the same effect) and also that The Griffins, who live just beyond the Black Mountains, do not trust easily.

If you wish to read it, you should probably quit now, but if you are too weak (which is honestly understandable) here’s my recounting of the story.

Where to start is a little bit hard, but a good place is the insane 2,000 word author’s note at the beginning. Jen, seemingly unaware of how thin skinned she’s being, goes on about how anyone who leaves her a negative review is being is immature and thin-skinned. Here’s a delightful excerpt that shows the author’s view on all of this!

“Also as a side note, I NEVER physically hurt ANYONE with this story. I got one reviewer that said. “Oh God please stop writing, your hurting everyone.” Now I want to know where I physically touched that person. I want to know how I’m twisting anyone’s arms to read this. I have never done anything of the sort in any way, shape or form and I DO NOT appreciate being accused of that! If you’re emotionally hurt over this, its your fault not mine.”

She spends quite a bit of time talking about how reviewers need to be more mature as she dedicates that much time to complaining about negative reviews and methodically rebuking everything they say from her poor grammar to Jenna being a Mary Sue. Now, props to the author for straight up saying that Jenna is the obvious author avatar that she is--Jenna is simply the dream persona of Jen, which okay, fine, that is not that bad. It’s what happens with Jenna that really makes me want to drink.

The other majorly telling factor is the first line of the story itself.

“Dreams come in many forms. Some good, some bad, some very realistic, even ones that feels very real.”

You may have noticed a redundancy there. That is only the beginning. If you get tired of hearing about the same things repeatedly, you will be VERY tired very quickly in here. Jen likes to constantly explain things to the point where she has footnotes in the story, and just after citing a footnote she explains what was cited in text anyway so now you have a double explanation.

“A tale of love, passion, despair and hope. I enjoyed my inner life. I looked forward to going to sleep to it every night. And I look forward to ones that will come, because LOVE WILL NEVER DIE.”

I love quoting that. I’m also not sleeping so I guess I don’t know the meaning of true love.

Anything beyond this point is where I start to die because I actually grew up playing Ocarina of Time and I’m quite well versed in its lore, so if you are too this is going to be about as pleasant as root canal.

Since me recounting everything in detail means we’d be here into the next year, I’m going to try to boil this down to its essence. TL;DR: Jenna meets Link and they fuck. Badly. A month later and they’re getting married so they can fuck more. This whole time you have King Hyrule who is treating a random merchant off the street better than Zelda, the Sages are just inexplicably back despite now residing in the Sacred Realm. Zelda also inherently gives up the throne because she will not marry and thus is no longer in the line of succession but this random guy from Kokiri Forest who married a random merchant is! Ruto is turned into a jealous harpy and the other sages hardly appear at all.

After they get married they go to the part where I quit the first time I started reading this fic which was the Bonding Ceremony. If getting married to a guy you met a month ago wasn’t enough, going to a monastery and getting telepathically bonded by drinking his piss sure is. Okay, it’s not JUST the piss drinking, but that was enough to make poor 2014 me stop trying and go lie down. They also fuck in front of the monks because that’s a thing straight people do, I guess.

Somewhere in there Jenna gets pregnant and has a child. She names the child Link Jr. I don’t have anything to say about that, I think it’s comedy in itself. On top of that Epona also gets pregnant so they get new horses named Midnight Star and Star Dancer. That’s not an important detail at all, my friend simply hates those horse names and I’m bringing them up on the off chance that she reads this.

Oh yeah, Dark Link is an antagonist at one point and he inexplicably talks exactly like a stereotypical villain and ties Link and Jenna up in a room and leaves them there for no reason like a small time crook leaving Batman in a cage with all his gizmos nearby. And turns out Jenna has magical powers and is from some ancient race of super people or whatever. They have to explain this over and over again in the same few paragraphs and I want to die.

Beyond all the bad sex that has tiger metaphors (Somehow Jen knows how tigers fuck) there’s the Original Material which had me crying more than the tragedy that was the remain of OoT’s story. Once we get tired of Link and Jenna’s love story and Tiger Sex, there’s suddenly an invasion from Lord Ariakas who is threatening the Griffins who live beyond the Black Mountains, just a day’s ride from Hyrule. He’s just some evil guy who threatens the Griffins, who do not trust easily, and who live near The Black Mountains. If you think redundancy is painful then prepare for the worst redundancy you’ve seen yet. I went insane when we were reading this and tallied all the times The Black Mountains are mentioned and turns out it was a whole lot less than I thought, but almost all of them happened in a short amount of time so it felt like an eternity of explaining The Black Fucking Mountains. Turns out I’m a masochist of sorts because this STILL didn’t shake me off. In order to repel Lord Arakias’ forces, Link and Jenna need to talk to the Griffins who like to make a big deal about how they don’t trust anyone as they instantly trust Jenna and let her into their royal court to give her support and magical gifts. It’s kind of incredible how Jenna does nothing and is constantly rewarded for it.

Sadly this ends in a cliffhanger, like all good terrible fanfics. But that’s a semi-coherent retelling of the actual plot. It takes way too long to explain any of these plot points in story. Characters constantly repeat themselves, there’s a bunch of small plot points I left out because we’d REALLY be here all year if we talked about this, there’s the original material where I have to give credit that she went and did this BUT ALSO DID YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS MANY TIMES WHAT THE BLACK FUCKING MOUNTAINS ARE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

I’m not okay. Time for some deeper analysis of particularly notable parts.

The sex scenes are sadly some of the less entertaining sections. They’re pretty boring for the most part, but then you have shit like “I turned tigress” and my personal favorite, “when I took his nut sack and caressed it with my hand, it was his undoing.” That exact sentence shows up TWICE in the fic, same wording and everything. Remember this, ladies, next time you have sex with a man, caress his nut sack. It’ll be his undoing. It’s not just the silly wording, though, there’s some stupid stuff in there too about how having sex makes your children stronger and also exactly how much fluid Jenna is ejecting which is a little bit alarming to say the least. Otherwise they’re a bit bland and use the same flowery language that you’d expect from poorly written erotica. Also they fuck in front of a bunch of monks. It’s for the bonding.

If you’re into LoZ lore then you’re going to have a bad time, too. My favorite thing is showing people the segment where Jenna explains how the OoT timeskip works because it makes zero sense to everyone, OoT fan or not. Let’s take a quick history lesson for OoT if you’re not familiar with it. In Ocarina of Time, a major plot point and element of gameplay is that Link travels between past and future in a seven year gap. From Link’s point of view, the change is instantaneous, right down to the fact that his age changes from child to adult and vice versa. To everyone else, they’re living those seven years. Time continues without Link there to observe it, and in Link’s absence Hyrule collapses. Thus is the plot--trying to stop Ganondorf from destroying the future with a power that Link and Zelda accidentally gave him. The point is all Non-Link people experience time normally, and the world moves on.

Somehow Jenna missed something that I inherently understood when I was a wee child of 8, barely able to play Ocarina of Time due to poor reading comprehension and lack of Zelda Puzzle Solving Skills™.

“Gannondorf tricked the soon to be "Hero of Time" into unlocking the door to the Sacred Realm. I even noticed that Zelda was a little older then I. Last I saw her she was four years younger then me. It was told to me that when Gannondorf went into the Temple of Time and into the Scared Realm, time jumped ahead in Hyrule seven years. Yet only two years passed in my land. And in the rest of the world.

After the "Hero of Time" defeated the King of Evil, the hero was granted to either return to the past or to remain in the present time. Since he chose to remain in the present Zelda jumped ahead of me in age by four years. It seems that everyone in Hyrule jumped in age from the rest of the world.”

I’m not sure I really understand still. I’ve read this so many times trying to comprehend and maybe I’m just stupid but this doesn’t scan. But when you time travel it should affect the whole world or else that’d be pretty fucked. Back To The Future would be pretty wack if only Hill Valley was sent back to the 50s but everywhere else was still 80s.

God, I spent too much time on this. It still hurts my brain.

I also just have to have a section where I metaphorically hand Zelda a box of chocolates and a check for 5,000 dollars for even being in this mess. The real MVP of the story is Zelda for tolerating all this bullshit. She has to watch her father treat Jenna better than her, she gives Jenna a bracelet from her mother who is dead for Jenna’s wedding, she has to passively accept that because she isn’t married she’s lost her claim to the throne and it’s being handed over to Link and Jenna because despite both of them being nobodies they’re more legitimate heirs to the throne than the king’s own daughter. She also has to be the one to help Jenna birth her baby and it’s maybe a little bit weird to have the princess of a nation be your personal midwife. Even if she is your so called best friend. Were I ever in the circumstances of giving birth, I wouldn’t make my friends help. Please get an actual nurse. Also for some reason Jenna won’t stop calling her baby a miracle and it’s done so frequently it’s a little off-putting. Even the chapter where the child is born is called “The Miracle” like idk I know life is mysterious and miraculous but I’m not sure giving birth, something a lot of cis woman can do, is a “miracle.” Me not sobbing while reading this is a miracle. Zelda, honey, you deserve so much better.

I’m running out of things that will actually last a paragraph or so tangent wise, so time to wrap things up with smaller notes:

-Jenna thinks that you boot horses in the knees to get them moving. You are probably not riding a horse right if you can kick it in the knees while sitting on its back. That’s not even getting into other horse related mishaps like the fact that kneecapping them isn’t a good idea either.

-Link Jr. is capable of math at like, four months or something. I wish I was that talented.

-Ruto is my wife and I will not stand for this slander against her. Yeah, call me a fish fucker if you want, Sidon is cute too don’t @ me

-Take a shot every time Jenna mentions triforces on her outfit (actually don’t)

-Jenna makes a big deal about how Link has to go off to war and how she’ll miss him and he’ll miss her and it’s all very emotional but he’s back literally the next chapter

-One of my favorite moments is Mido rightfully pointing out that Jenna isn’t a Kokiri and thus has no right to receive a fairy but everyone thinks he’s being super rude for actually having common sense. They barely gave LINK a fairy and he grew up there!

-I inflicted this on my friends and it went as well as you’d think it would. Quote supplied by Jen who is not THAT Jen but a far superior one

-Somewhere in the fic suddenly Link and Zelda’s eyes are capable of changing color based on mood, or maybe they could do this the whole time and my eyes were changing based on mood alright, they were glazing over and I missed it

-Jen always types “threw” instead of “through” and it’s just enough to throw me off every time. Also every time a character starts a new sentence she starts another set of quotations even if they were already talking and occasionally she misspells “huge” as “hugh” which leads to some hilarious circumstances

-THEY DRANK EACH OTHER’S PISS

-Apparently when you are telepathically bonded with your Husband/Wife you aren’t allowed to be in a room with someone of the opposite sex AT ALL. Personally I think that reeks of insecurity

-Also because a good pal loses her shit every time we mention it, Jen couldn’t come up with a marriage ceremony that wasn’t just a christian one for a universe where christianity doesn’t exist, but she sure likes to put world building into those DAMN GRIFFINS

All in All? My Inner Life is not for the weak willed. It is INCREDIBLY long and redundant and while it’s still pretty funny, it’s mostly plain terrible. I consider is a much better showcase of what bad fanfiction is actually like, and also since it’s of a more standard awful, it means people can’t badly parody it while missing the point as to why it’s funny. So at least there will only be one My Inner Life and no imitators.

Seriously, I hate My Immortal imitators. Write your own terrible fanfiction, damn you! If I had a shot for every time a fanfic was compared to My Immortal I would be dead six years ago. Getting compared to MI is not a good thing, but not for the reasons you’d think. At least My Inner Life only shares the basic premise of a self insert character and the rest is a ride of complete bullshit that’s par the course for terrible Mary Sue fiction. Everyone loves Jenna for no reason and those who voice the valid concerns against her are seen as unreasonable and stupid. Characters are bent backwards to serve the threadbare plot and apparently Jenna’s love life alone is enough to constitute half of the story before we just plain forget it’s a Legend of Zelda fanfic and it goes off into some generic high fantasy horse crap with dragons and Griffins and some evil guy like what even is his name and it all ends without any real closure.

However if you are strong enough or maybe just a masochist (me) I highly recommend this fic for just being a test of endurance and also for all the funny little moments sprinkled throughout. It’ll certainly be a waste of time and it’s a good thing to read with friends. While it’s an oldie, it’s a goodie, and no one comes out unscathed.

Also the author apparently is a good sport about it now, although who knows. It’s just a thing I heard. While I like making fun of Jen throughout reading the fic, she doesn’t seem awful. Just perhaps young and unaware.

Truly, the real treasure was the piss we drank along the way. I’m sorry I will never be over that

#don't tell me tell #long post #REALLY LONG ASS POST #i couldn't sleep so i made this essay instead #i accept my fate as the bad fanfic expert #i might regret this later #but for now i need rest

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gleefail · 4 years ago

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Glee Memories: 1x9 Wheels

A long, long time ago, as Glee was approaching graduation in Season 3, I found myself nostalgic with some rare free time on my hands. So I decided to rewatch the series from the beginning and jot down some memories, discrepancies that have arisen since, fave quotes, tally solos - all that good stuff, strictly for shits and giggles.

8 years later (eek!) and once more I find myself with an unexpected abundance of free time. With so many revisiting or being newly introduced to the show between binge watching during Quarantine and all the tragedy that has surrounded the show since it went off the air, I figured I’d finish what I started. And by finish, I mean go through the end of S3. Cause I truly cannot acknowledge what happened after that. Except for 5B.

Kicking this off by reposting the first 15 episodes I already went through. Enjoy!

1x9 Wheels I haven’t addressed yet that this voice-over “Here’s what you missed on Glee” guy is different…will be interesting to see when they changed it.

um…when did Kurt tell everyone that he was gay? Didn’t he only come out to Mercedes and his dad so far? I definitely missed that on Glee

Holy crap. I forgot about this Cheerios jump rope number.

This is when I started not liking S1 Quinn. When she started being just plain mean to Finn even as she lied to him about the baby being his. Uncalled for. Although her calling out that he’s a peabrain is hella-necessary.

Figgins can’t pay for a bus for Artie to get to sectionals. Understandable? Is that like, legal?

Makes total sense that Sue has boosters that provide funds for traveling etc. Doesn’t make sense that the Glee club never started music boosters….not to me anyways.

Will’s right. In high school, some of the best trips were rides to other schools for volleyball games and showchoir competitions together. Although that almost always involved people mooning out the back window. And getting to third base under letterman jackets. Just my school? Anyone else?

Aw…Tina is looking at Artie from afar…not necessarily romantically…concerned? Whatever the reason, it’s cute.

Aw, Kurt’s so excited about Defying Gravity

let the record show, Mr. Schue just handed a solo to Rachel for a competition for the first time ever. But not the last. Don’t get me started.

“Don’t worry. We’ll find something for you to…dip in chocolate” Two things: 1. Yes you will. And his name is Sam Evans. (’wanky’). 2. No, you won’t Mr. Schue. No. You. Won’t. #oops

“I mean, bake sales are kind of bourgee” “So hip people stopped eating delicious, sugary treats?” “It’s not that, it’s that most of us don’t know how to bake. I find recipes confusing.” I love every moment of this exchange. And

Britany’s officially not all there now. :) Yaaaay!

Aw, poor Artie and the peer pressure of having to say he doesn’t mind when he’s clearly hurt by people he thinks are his friends. Poor guy.

It really does impress me how Kevin McHale manages to completely lose use of his legs. Even when he’s boppin in his wheelchair. I don’t think I could do it.

Jenna Ushkowitz is flat out adorable laughing at her lunch table in slow motion.

Aw Tina. These original members really do all have a lil special place in my heart. Before RIB screwed most of them over.

Ruh roh, I know that look. Mr. Schue is getting an idea watching Artie jamming around in his wheelchair…

Why is Kurt wearing a gangsta bandana on his head?

“But I’m happy to have you try out something else, Kurt. And I’ll make sure it’s got a killer high note” No. No, you won’t Schue. Ugh. Three seasons of empty promises and he won Teacher of the Year? Riiiight.

“Well, you’re irritating most of the time but…don’t take that personally”

“Preach!” Yes!!! There’s the Artie I know and love! It makes me giggle more seeing moments like this knowing he asks Amber to show him how to do it, lol.

hahahahaha – Finn just got hit in the back of the head with someone’s baseball bat! Rachel just got her lunch spilled all over her! Oh, happiness.

“it’s what I have left of my pool cleaning money. After I bought dip and numchucks”

Quinn is so pretty in regular clothes with her hair down in season one. I would buy that THIS is the girl everyone wants to be. She’s totes that popular, bitchy girl who has everything.

“It would be pretty awesome if it came out with a Mohawk”

Aw, this food fight is still so cute. I feel like we haven’t seen Quinn laugh like that since until she was going up that ramp with Artie cheering her on. So cute.

“It’s not about a guy, is it? Cause…I’m not ready to have that conversation.” “At least you don’t have to worry about me getting someone pregnant” snicker snicker. True dat.

“You sing like a girl – in a good way”

So…yeah, they were doing Defying Gravity for Sectionals…what happened to that?

FIRST APPEARANCE OF LAUREN ZIZES!!!

Ugh. So stupid Rachel is complaining about having to audition for a solo. It’s showchoir. You should have to audition for EVERY solo and anyone who wants to can. …but it’s Glee

“We all know I’m more popular than Rachel – and I dress better than her…”

“Your right hand, Britany” *Santana whispers to her “it’s this one”* Yup. Not all there. There’s mah girl!

I love that instead of saying “I promise to vote for whoever sings the song better”, Mercedes blatantly says to Kurt “I promise to vote FOR YOU” with a big smile. I love Kurtcedes. Have I said that yet?

“Maybe one of these days you’ll find a way to create teaching moments without ruining my life.” Oh he will Rachel. He’ll just ruin everyone else’s.

“Those are what I call ‘lazy makers’”

Figgins is making Sue hold auditions to replace Quinn on the Cheerios. How do they not try out in the first place?

“and as soon as a cheerleader rolls herself out onto the field in a wheelchair she becomes decidedly less effective at cheering people up. It’s just a fact.”

“Stop attacking me. I’m sick of it” I like this Finn. Where did he come from? And where did he go?

I never ever ever realized that that was Kurt auditioning for the Cheerios with a baton. OMG!

haha, also never realized that the “freak” did the splits and clearly landed on his junk but tried to play it like he was fine. HAAAAA!

“Becky, I’m gonna stop you right there. You’re in.” YAY!

“I’m just saying, she has a point; you are kind of an idiot.” Truth.com, Puck.

“It’s just like you, with your stutter” Tina’s reaction said it all. “But I wanna be very clear: I still have the use of my penis.” HAAAAAAA!!! And Artie’s “why did I say that?!” look afterwards. Golden.

Kurt warming up to a high F while Burt gets the “your son’s a fag” phone call. So damn sad.

“Sometimes I just…I wish your mom was still around, y’know?” Aw, Burt. So happy you’ll find Carol.

“I don’t wanna win out of charity. I wanna win the solo because it’s right for the club. I really think that the judges at Sectionals will find a female version of Defying Gravity much more accessible.” Lies and manipulation and selfishness of Rachel Berry. And it begins.

“People just don’t like me.” “Yeah, you might wanna work on that” Yup. You might, Rachel. Too bad ya never really did unless it was to benefit you. hahaha, Puck put a lil pot in the cupcakes. I totally forgot about that. omg. There’s a loooot of flannel in that lunch room. What is that about?

Haha. Puck buying pot from Sandy. “The doctor said the shark fractured my spinal cord.” “This is why I don’t go to the aquarium.”

Sue’s mean don’t discriminate because of handicap, gender, religion, or sexual preference.

“You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they’re going in a different direction. THAT was hard.” Truth.

“Oh, I bully everyone, William. That’s the way I roll”

First official Diva-off!! I remember I soooo wanted Kurt to win, but it was all over his face that something was up ever since Burt told him about that phone call.

First sacrifice for Rachel Berry. Go.

Even back then when I liked Rachel Berry, I didn’t like her singing this song. I think my dislike of her started right around here. Like “who does she think she is, trying to sing this song better than Idina, when she knows damn well, coming from Broadway, who Idina is!?” that was me, lol. My point is I still don’t like her on this song. It has a special place in my heart and I need more of a powerhouse on it, and someone whose soul I can hear when they sing it, not just trying to sing pretty.

“’It’ is a ‘she’.” That’s a cute moment. :)

Ok. Ohhhhh boy. Finn got a job by pretending to be handicapped and stuck in a wheelchair. But wasn’t it Finn that 2 seasons later berates Quinn for not announcing that she’s improved to now be able to stand/walk to get votes for Prom Queen? I just…I refrain from comment. It’ll get ugly.

Aw, Artie is donating the money to get a ramp put in the auditorium instead of using it to get a bus to go to Sectionals with everyone. Way to take one for the team, Artie. He’s a good guy.

Sue donated the $600 to rent the bus for Sectionals. Aw. I knew something was up at that point. Lies. I knew something was up when she told Will “You don’t know the FIRST thing about me.”

Aw, Jean. This relationship was so sweet.

AWWWWW – Artie’s face after Tina kisses him!!!

Aw. Artie’s face after Tina admits that she’s faking her stutter. :(

“I’m sorry now you get to be normal and I’m gonna be stuck in this chair for the rest of my life. And that’s not something I can fake.” Aw, man. So sad.

“I’m just saying that I love you more than I love being a star.” Oh Kurt. You little angel.

Ok. There are no words for how I felt when I found out Glee was doing Proud Mary. Here’s the thing: Me and my theatre friends always go to karaoke and take turns singing this song. And then the rest of us kinda flash mob it and rush the stage once the tempo picks up in synchronized back-up dancing. And it’s the highlight of our night and the best tradition when we can get everyone together to do it. Once people came up and asked if we were some group of performers that the bar hired to come do it. It’s soooo much fun. It has such a special place in my heart. I do it now for warm-ups with my high school kids when we need to unwind. And I always use this Glee version. Cause I loves Amber Riley and Kevin McHale and Jenna Ushkowitz on it. Things like this are what make me sad that Glee-ers are graduating more than missing the show itself or the writing; the memories made along the way. And the things like this that just make me smile.

Lol, one of my friends loved the duplicity of them singing this. Cause it was ‘rollin’ for Artie and ‘Mary’ for Kurt. He was gay, so I guess he was allowed to say things like that cause he owned it, lol.

This number is so effing awesome. And the costumes and hair are super cute.

I love the behind the scenes of this where Cory talks about when Amber fell out of her wheelchair and he just heard a crash followed by incessant laughing. SOLOS: Artie (2), Rachel (1), Kurt (1), Mercedes (1), Tina (1)

#Glee Memories #Glee #lol Glee #Glee Wheels

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helloworlddemo1122-yahoopar-blog · 7 years ago

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Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum Split: A Timeline of Their Romance

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum announced their separation after eight years of marriage on Monday, sharing the news in a joint Instagram statement.

"We have lovingly chosen to separate as a couple," the couple, both 37, wrote. "We fell deeply in love so many years ago and have had a magical journey together. Absolutely nothing has changed about how much we love one another, but love is a beautiful adventure that is taking us on different paths for now." Channing and Jenna first met as co-stars in the 2006 dance film Step Up and married in July 2009, welcoming their daughter, Everly, four years later. Here’s a look back at some of their biggest moments as a couple:

'Step Up'

The pair’s chemistry was instantaneous on the set of the 2006 Anne Fletcher-directed film, in which Jenna played a privileged modern dancer who fell in love with Channing’s character, a talented hip-hop dancer from the wrong side of the tracks.

Jenna recently shared the couple’s original audition tape for the film in support of the Step Up franchise’s newest installment -- Step Up: High Water, the YouTube show starring her World of Dance co-star Ne-Yo.

"Please watch how many times I giggle and I laugh. It's very cute," Jenna says in her commentary on the clip, in which her flirty vibes with her future husband are front and center. "It's very sentimental and amazing for me to watch."

Marriage

The couple wed on July 11, 2009, at Church Estates Vineyards in Malibu, California, though, according to Channing, the big day almost never happened, thanks to his “cruel” proposal idea.

“When I proposed to my wife, I did something pretty cruel because I thought she was on to me. I basically told her I never wanted to get married to try to throw her off,” he revealed on BBC’s Radio One’s “Breakfast Show” with Nick Grimshaw last August. “I told her, ‘I don’t believe in the institution of marriage and I don’t think I ever want to get married.’ She basically broke down crying. I thought, ‘This is not going well at all,’ so I had to propose to her sooner rather than later.”

Last year, the couple celebrated their eighth wedding anniversary by going off the grid at a wilderness camp in Michigan, ditching their phones and internet service in favor of quality time together.

"The first day, you're fiending. You're like, 'I need to know my emails!'” Jenna told Kelly Ripa and Ryan Seacrest on a Live! appearance after the trip. "And then one day, I was like, 'I'm going to go take a walk,' and Chan was like, 'Yeah, I'm going to take a walk, too. We ended up at the internet café. I was like, 'I know where you were. I see you!'"

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Everly

Channing and Jenna welcomed their first child, daughter Everly, on May 31, 2013, in London, England.

While the pair have been very private about their daughter’s life so far, rarely showing photos of her face on social media, they’ve never been shy about showing off their love for their little girl, whether it’s a sweet shot of Everly with her pet goat, or the aftermath of their “little tyrant fairy artist” painting their faces.

In May 2016, Channing shared a photo to Instagram of Jenna holding their baby girl shortly after she was born.

I took this just days after jenna and I (mostly jenna) brought our little girl into the world. I've taken many like it over the past 3 years but this is one of my favorites. She was so tired. Haha. But she has such deep strength and other worldly grace. Watching her in those first days transform into a mother was life changing. She was every bit the beautiful, sexy, funny, flawed creature I fell in love with. But the prism turned and showed a whole new light that I had no idea existed, the light of a mothers love. Thank you for that baby. Saw this quote today --" The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Theodore Hesburgh" there are a lot of important things in being a father. Who knows what the most important thing is? All I know is that in my case this is pretty high on my list. Love you cake!

A post shared by Channing Tatum (@channingtatum) on May 8, 2016 at 1:31pm PDT

“Saw this quote today -- ‘The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Theodore Hesburgh,’” he captioned the black-and-white photo. “There are a lot of important things in being a father. Who knows what the most important thing is? All I know is that in my case this is pretty high on my list. Love you cake!”

Last August, the Magic Mike star opened up to ET about trying to impress his daughter with his star status.

"I've never worked so hard to, like, make a girl like me and fail," he joked. "I was like, 'Please, please, just please love me, please just love me!'"

'Lip Sync Battle'

The couple fell in love while showing off their dance moves in Step Up, but it turns out they had even more talents up their sleeve! When Channing and Jenna squared off onLip Sync Battleback in January 2016, they brought their competitive spirit and their A-game to a showdown that would instantly go down as a classic.

The episode kicked off with impressive performances, including Channing’s rendition of the Frozen hit “Let It Go” (in full Elsa costume) and Jenna’s stripped-down Magic Mike-inspired performance of Ginuwine’s “Pony,” but it was Channing’s final number that truly stopped the show.

The Hateful Eight star went all-out for his lip sync of Beyonce’s “Run the World (Girls),” donning the diva’s strapless black bra and gold choker to perform the dance moves. But the crowd, Jenna, and hosts LL Cool J and Chrissy Teigen went wild when Queen Bey herself crashed the stage to close out the number! “I cannot believe that just happened!” Jenna exclaimed after the dance. “I’m freaking out.” “She is not OK right now,” Channing said with a laugh, as his wife collapsed with excitement.

The couple were crowned the first-ever Lip Sync Battle co-champions after the epic stunt, but really, we were all winners.

Signs of Trouble

In February, Jenna gave a candid interview in Health magazine, admitting that her marriage to Channing wasn't "perfect" and that the couple had days where they "don't really like each other." "When people say, 'You guys have such a perfect life,' I want to scream and tell them, 'No one's perfect,'" she said. "I think there are such things as great fits. It is a great fit as long as you are growing together, and I think up until this point we've really grown together. Even if one starts to grow, the other catches up and vice versa."

"But I think a couple needs to be conscious and to want to do the work and be willing to look at the parts of you that need work," she continued. "Both of us have been pretty aware and willing to do that. We’ve always had the same values. But we're not perfect! Are you kidding? We fight like other couples, we disagree about things, we have days where we don't really like each other."

Family Night Out

Still, the pair put on a happy face in public, even enjoying a family night out at the 2018 Kids' Choice Awards one week before announcing their separation. The appearance marked Everly’s first public event, as the 4-year-old supported her dad at Nickelodeon’s annual awards show.

Everly was spotted holding her mom's hand in the crowd while Channing had a funny onstage moment when he and his Small Foot co-stars, Zendaya and Yara Shahidi, promoted their new animated movie. She wore a super cute purple and green outfit, with a green bow in her hair, while Jenna sported a denim dress.

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Separation

On Monday, the pair shared a joint statement on both of their Instagram pages, announcing their separation.

"There are no secrets nor salacious events at the root of our decision — just two best-friends realizing it’s time to take some space and help each other live the most joyous, fulfilled lives as possible,” the statement read, in part. “We are still a family and will always be loving dedicated parents to Everly. We won’t be commenting beyond this, and we thank you all in advance for respecting our family’s privacy. Sending lots of love to everyone, Chan&Jenna."

See more the pair’s split in the video below.