#this is also why i am so against trying to say terfs dont hurt trans men

[softness-and-shattering]

Yknow. I think emasculation is misgendering for cis men. Its the same thing. "I disagree/dont like you so Im gonna say youre a failure at your gender".

I used to think it was a dumb concept, you are your gender or youre not, and nothing anyone can say can change that, right?

Well nothing can change it, but misgendering still hurts. And it doesnt only hurt trans people. Its like a standard weapon against cis men just under a different name. And its used so much that theyre all incredibly insecure about it. Not all, likely many.

Maybe thats why the giant trucks and muscles and various measuring contests. Everyones trying to prove theyre the manliest man so no one will even think to attack them for being bad at manhood. Its a coping mechanism. Its not a very good one though, it loops back to making fun of people for trying too hard.

I dont think theres an equivalent for cis women? You can definitely 'fail' at the standards of femininity, by not bring white enough or straight enough or not having the latest clothes and makeup. And TERFs and the like go around calling any women who doesnt fit a man, also weaponised misgendering of cis people. (And trans people. Im just focusing on cis people for a sec.)

Like lets be clear, patriarchy/white supremacy creates boxes and punishes us for stepping outside them no matter who we are. Theres no competition of who has it worse, we need to break it down all together not fight between ourselves. Im trying to understand how it is, and how it works, not who it hurts more. It hurts everyone.

To quote the 80s movie War Games, approximately, "the only way to win is not to play". I think thats why queer people are so jarring to the system, we're refusing to play. We're refusing to care when we're "losing" because we're not working off that ruleset. We're working largely off of authenticity and community and happiness, or I hope we are.

And I think everyone would be better served by authenticity, community, and happiness. Theres no winning the game, not long term, not really. You're always under threat of having the rug yanked out from under you. You can never be enough to sate patriarchy/white supremacy. You can absolutely be enough for yourself, your friends and family, your neighbours, humanity. Ok thats a bit big but consider a world where everyone is happy and thriving with plenty of energy to worry about bigger things than am I gonna misgendered and attacked today for who I am? Do I need a bigger truck to be safe and who can I attack to raise my own standing?

World peace, right? We could solve global warming we could solve anything with the power of safe well-rested happy humanity.

Ok that got pretty big. Didnt mean to freak you out. What do you think though? Am I maybe onto something here?

[horce-divorce]

I was too tired to get worked up last night but now that Im awake again I am sooo fucking agitated rn. We HAVE to be at my parent's right now (car camping in the yard) bc I desperately need whatever help they can give me, my dad is getting the car checked and we've been here using the shower and the stove and whatnot. But my dad's bday was also this weekend so my WHOOOOOLE family was here, and Bel and I stayed inside specifically to avoid everyone, but then my fucking horrible grandpa (who was queerphobic and an asshole long before he had dementia) comes in and tries to make chit chat with us, and then my dad comes in laughing saying how grandpa went outside and announced to everyone that "there's two girls with mustaches in there," and dad just thought that was funny. And we had JUST come back from the store where some rando also fucking commented on Bel's mustache and I HAD a comeback but I was too fucking SLOW and I didn't fucking defend him

So anyway we like have absolutely no choice but to be here and Bel especially can't just leave and like it's weird bc yes they are letting us stay here, feeding us etc and I feel like I'm not allowed to explain why this is so hurtful bc if I do that's somehow going against all my dad is doing for me here. Like I'm being ungrateful spitting in his face and only focusing on what he's doing wrong.

Probably bc they spent my whole life reinforcing this idea that I only was allowed to need things if they agreed that I was lacking. When I became suicidal it wasn't "oh yeah you need help let's get you to a doctor." It was a litany of "here's all the things I did for you, I sacrificed my body for you, I ate healthy and quit smoking and I did everything right and I gave you a PERFECT body and brain, so no, you don't need help." And she stood by that until I was out of the house and went and got help myself, and she STILL tried to talk me out of it.

And especially with my mom being the terf-adjacent 2nd wave Michfest Feminist that she is, she only ever has shit to say about my gender when it's disparaging. The first time she saw me shirtless after top surgery she said "embrace the patriarchy" in this bitter fucking tone. She only ever calls me a guy if I'm acting so stupid that I need help or correction. But yeah it's so super funny and cute that my demented grandpa can't fucking tell I'm a guy and it's sooo funny and cute how he's disrespecting me and my boyfriend to my whole family and they're all just out there laughing. That's sooooo fucking funny and silly and ha ha and yeah people like my asshole grandpa, who was NEVER even part of my actual fucking life, is totally allowed to just walk into your home and talk about your loved ones like that, unchallenged, cus he's just such a silly little guy. Family is so fucking special am I right.

It's wild having the least normie and most functional family of all my friends bc when it comes to things like politics and gay rights and witchcraft and even topics like feminism and reproductive rights! my parents are always the most chill, understanding, easygoing, have the most reasonable responses out of anyone else's parents... But then they still have these very unchallenged ideals that come out at the worst time, and when i try to explain to them how they are hurting me and making me feel unsafe and making MY BOYFRIEND feel unsafe, and this is why I don't hang out with them, they pull the "dont make me feel bad when i do so much for you" card.

They also don't defend other trans ppl. They "love" Eddie Izzard, she is "their favorite comedian," but they can't gender her correctly to save their lives. One time my mom tried to show her cis gay friend one of Eddie's Dress to Kill bits and he started disparaging her outfit and calling her buffalo fucking bill and my mom just sat there and TOOK IT. I WAS HOME!!! I COULD HEAR HIM!!!!!!!!!

I also cannot threaten the help they're giving me w the car and the house bc my dad is currently still paying the insurance bc I can't even afford gas to go job hunting. So I did not sit my dad down and explain Why That Wasn't Funny. My stupid ass got up early and put the dishes away instead. Because if I criticize my dad, on his birthday, in his own home that we are staying at for free, AND Im leaving a mess (that I didn't make, but that I saw and walked away from regardless), they will kick us both out and never let us come back! Or maybe they won't! But they've kicked me out before and I can't let that happen to Bel again right now!!!

And unfortunately I need to stay connected to dementia grandpa too bc we may be living in his cabin part time this winter. I'm not super optimistic about finding housing before it gets cold. Especially not after yesterday. We were both already lamenting needing our names changed, but trying to do it while homeless and Looking Like Girls With Mustaches in Bumfuck Nowhere is gonna be even more fun!!!

[transmeds]

ppl telling me abt transmeds communities that turned into terfs like i haven't watched countless tucute communities turn into terfs like! im not disagreeing with u that terfs like to convince transmeds to deteansition! the thing is that its not a transmed thing they do it to all trans ppl!! like i used to be a tucute, i used to have a bunch of tucute friends, i used to join their servers even after i stopped agreeing with them. so many of them turned into just terf circle jerk communities. because thats what terfs do! thats what they do! when you start to blame it on "transmed is a terf pipeline" or "tucute is a terf pipeline" because that's what YOU'VE experienced you miss the point and you miss how disgusting terfs actually are. thats how you blame it on the victims of terfs, when you start talking about pipelines. you have to realize that TERFS ARE THE PROBLEM! not trans people who disagree with you. i dont know how to explain this in any other way. the people who get manipulated into becoming terfs aren't the problem, its the people who manipulated them.

transmeds are not any closer to becoming terfs than tucutes are, thinking youre immune to terf manipulation will just leave you more open to it. it will just make you more likely to fall to it. its not the fault of trans people you dont like.

[dopaminerjic]

transphobic cis gay people, have you ever considered: taking all the things you claim are evidence that "trans rights activism” is actually a “cult” or whatever the fuck, and replacing “transphobe” and all related words with “homophobe”. and seeing if it still sounds so unreasonable all of a sudden. these people will give examples of how supposedly deranged the stupid gendies are like “omg1!!1!! i just reblogged from a terf omg omg i will delete immediately i hate those people theyre scum i dont support them at all” ok well if someone actually said those exact words thats a little over the top yes but. do you not also think you would be upset and in a rush to clarify your intentions if you found you had accidentally reblogged from someone who openly preaches that gay people are disgusting immoral scum and advocates for anti-gay laws. do you not think it would at least be normal and reasonable behavior for you to delete the post and express displeasure that you unwittingly associated with such a person. or if you saw someone else who wasnt gay reblogging such a post, do you not think you as a gay person might want to tell the other guy, hey, nothing against you but that person is actually violently homophobic and id feel more comfortable if you deleted the post. do you not think that would be reasonable behaviour and not evidence that you are trying to drag people into your gay cult

because, i can guarantee you that there are plenty of people out there who would see this behaviour as being exactly that and frankly the part that astounds me is the part where entire open and proud members of the gay community will turn round and do the exact same to the trans community as is done to them, without even the slightest hint of awareness. the fact that these people will accuse trans people of being homophobic for.. checks notes.. being transgender, while also advocating for literal conversion therapy. the fact that these people will go on and on until theyre blue in the face about how being gender nonconforming is good and to be celebrated until, god forbid, that gender nonconformity extends to using different pronouns or wanting your body to look a certain way or saying fuck this, i dont want anything to do with the gender i was assigned at birth, i hate it and i dont consider it part of my identity

then all of a sudden these people love bio & gender essentialism and dictating peoples identities and lives more than the christian conservatives, and its not like im not aware of just how hypocritical people can be but. fucking man. y’all really just looked at the system that oppresses you and somehow came to the conclusion that the only way to talk about that oppression is to fucking lick the system’s boot and enforce the same way of viewing the world that is the thing being used to hurt you in the first place. and somehow trans people are the ones being sexist and homophobic for just trying to live our lives?? while dealing with the exact same sexism and homophobia that cis women and cis gays do on top of the transphobia and yet the same people we have so many struggles in common with us will turn round and paint trans people as the oppressors. as if fuelled by some sort of stockholm syndrome towards the cisheteronormative (not to fucking mention intersexist and racist and probably more im not thinking of right now!) construct of sex & gender that is hurting all of us, while also pushing the exact same rhetoric towards us that the conservatives use on them and this has gone far beyond what i originally had in mind and is probably just a bunch of disjointed rambling but god am i tired. im so fucking tired

you wonder why we want nothing to do with you, not even in the form of an accidentally reblogged tumblr post? you wonder why, all the anger, all the violent words? you wonder why we hate you, even sometimes more than the misogynists and the homophobes? 

we never expected the misogynists and the homophobes to be on our side. we never looked at them and saw people who should be allies, friends, siblings; who should care about us and stand up for us, or at the very minimum be able to sympathise with our plight. the misogynists and the homophobes and all those others may come at us for all theyre worth but at least they never betrayed us

you betrayed us

whether you can see it or not, you betrayed us

[the-scottish-costume-guy]

JK Rowling, transphobia and a hopefully helpful post.

A few days ago I posted on my Facebook (yes I have one sue me) debunking some of the things Rowling has been saying on twitter. Since she made a statement I felt the need to make another one... but this time Im sharing it here. Please note this is long, it is fairly opinionated in places but her statements have felt so insidious I want to share something in depth. If you are cis I implore you to read, but I understand this is long and a lot of people wont want to. No judgement. 

Jk Rowling’s latest statement is a mess of valid concerns and fear mongering. At this point there can be no claim she doesn’t know what shes talking about - she herself has said shes been researching this for years. She throws in token acknowledgements to “real” trans people while framing the rest of her statements as concern for confused teens.So first things first - and something that might not be popular with some of my trans friends. I agree that teenagers should not be able to medically transition. It is a choice that should be made when the brain is fully mature. Hormone blockers are something I trust - and that are reversible. I have seen enough detransitioned people hurting to feel like we do need to be careful - especially with children who are trying to find themselves. I dont know about other people but during my teens I was coming to the crushing realisation that I wasn’t special. I was learning that no matter how well I painted someone else did it better, no matter how badly I hurt someone had it worse - I was learning about the wonderful mediocrity of life, and having anything that made me stand out gave a brief reprieve from learning to be okay with all these things. For me to be fair it was dying my hair outrageous colours and dressing in black leather during 30 degree summer heat - but its still something we cant forget. I KNOW a lot of kids claiming to be trans are - and I dont want to keep that from them, however I dont want to cause harm to the kids that are wrong. Continuing on, I’d like to address her comments about TERFS. Terfs are Self Described Trans-exclusionary-radical-feminists and the term does get thrown around a little too liberally at times. Terf is not and never will be a slur. No more than “White” is. It is about a group of people who have taken it open themselves to segregate another group - and calling that what it is, is not a crime. The reason Terf and transphobe have become synonomic is because the ‘radical feminists’ that subscribe to this have lost focus on nearly all other issues of feminism and sit squarely on “dropping the T” from the lgbt community and “keeping men out of womens bathrooms.” Terfs are overwhelmingly women - this is sadly simply a fact. Terfs are reviled because of how much it feels like a betrayal to the community. A group that fights for rights - except ours. A group that wants equality - except for us. Its different to the conservatives who hate us all equally - with Terfs we are singled out. Terfs are not, as Rowling claims, inclusionary to Trans-men. I’ve been met with a combination of pity, loathing, mockery and revulsion by people within this group. I’ve been told that I shouldn’t let homophobia push me into transitioning - only for all correspondence to abruptly drop when I mention Im marrying another man. I’ve been told my old body was beautiful - only for stunned silence when I agree. I was beautiful - I was curvy, I was a dancer and had a body to match - but I wasn’t Me. When their usual arguments against me fail - I’m met with hate. Im called anti-woman, traitor, homophobic. I even have some such comments saved on my blog. I have yet to meet a Terf who was pro-trans-man. Rowling claims that had she had the ability, as a confused teen, she may have sought to transition. I hate to tell her but she did have the ability and trans people didn’t pop into existence in the twenty-first century. I’m actually looking to do my dissertation topic in my final year on lgbt presentation throughout history - and in my overeager way I’ve already started researching. James Barry has been becoming a common name for years - a transgender surgeon who died in 1865. If Barry was able to at least socially transition from 1790 to 1860, I am fairly sure Rowling could have in 1980 - over a century later. Rowling also claims that groups of friends in schools all suddenly identify as trans at the same time. Speaking from my school experience - the queer kids group together. We seek out others like us, and we take strength from each others bravery to come out - often around the same time. We almost get a rush of resolve when one of our group musters the courage and strength, and some of us use that rush to bite the bullet ourselves. Its one of the beautiful ways the lgbt community is here for one another - and the influx of people identifying as trans is partially a factor of more people knowing the name of their feelings. Survivor bias will ignore the trans people through history without the knowledge or means to transition - and will claim they were never trans at all. Her initial statements about charities worry me in particular. As I said last time - we know sex is real, we just dont really like to be defined by it. She is worried that we’re going to “rebrand medicine” and ignores that medications for years have had warnings in their leaflets about “If you are or become pregnant” regardless of if the person receiving it has a dick or a vagina. We dont advocate for ignoring the differences in how people respond to heart attacks - and I for one would like research to be done on how hormones effect that. I dont actually know if I would respond more like a cis gender woman or a cis gender man if I were to have a heart attack or a stroke. But where possible we do want to change the language around some of these things. I have had a double mastectomy, but some Cis-men have these as well. This is not a gendered term. Why should a period be called anything else? Why call it a “womens problem.” I and Im sure many other trans people, support the research into how different medical and mental issues affect different sexes. I just think that should be extended further - and we know it should, as some medical issues affect people of different ethnicities in different ways and we don’t know how. I am truly sorry that Rowling has experienced abuse and assault of any nature. I am truly sorry that she has felt unsafe. But her feelings do not invalidate others experiences. Of the trans people I know, a saddening number have been assaulted, have been abused and in particular have experienced these things domestically. There is much work to be done on this in the UK. There are nearly no mens shelters for sufferers of violence to my knowledge. I, a trans man who have experienced some of these things in my teen years, would Not want to be around cisgender women even if I could be. A cis woman was responsible for much of the pain I personally suffered - and in fact one of the acts of violence she carried out against me was directly after I came out as trans to her. Trans women, even if they could go to male shelters, should not have to be surrounded by a group that put them in danger - in a place that is detrimental to them physically and mentally and is frankly degrading. The belief that allowing trans women into shelters for those escaping abuse is dangerous is sad. To be so afraid is deserving of pity. To let fear blind you to the suffering of others - to think its better that a trans woman face homelessness or a return to an abusive household because you personally would sleep better at night is the kind of passive evil we should be aware of in this day and age. It comes from choosing to see the word “trans” before “person.” Its from choosing to see a persons genitals before their humanity. Trans people are not dangerous - and cause no greater risk than any other demographic.  Her claims that she can empathise with this fear are empty. A gender recognition certificate is not a ticket into womens bathrooms. Funnily enough you dont actually require a piece of paper to go almost anywhere. I do not have a gender recognition certificate and use male bathrooms, can enter male spaces as I please. All a gender recognition certificate does is change the letter on your birth certificate. It doesn’t even affect other forms of identification - my passport, my student id, my drivers license all already say male. I am not sure why so many people have chosen this as their hill to die on because its the least relevant thing to them on the planet. How often have any of you seen another persons birth certificate? Rowling says she and other ‘gender critical’ (a terf dogwhistle) people are concerned for trans youth. Well… she can take her condescending concern and direct it to matters that are relevant to her. Trans people want to be left alone. Its a simple request, and yet people endlessly seem to trip over the dirt level bar.

[unwanted-animal]

I’m just gonna vent here for a sec, about relationship stuff and youtube drama of all things

so trans YT drama might legit end my marriage????

I don’t want it to. I love my spouse with all my heart but I’m at the end of my patience.

So, Contrapoints. She’s a famous trans youtuber who we watched before she came out, and while she explored her gender as she gradually came to recognize herself as a trans woman. She’s got great production value, she does a lot of videos on the alt right, and she does a lot of socratic discussions that she doesn’t flat out LABEL as socratic discussions sometimes.

She’s also got a long history of stepping in it when it comes to nb folks and trans folks who don’t pass.

It’s been rubbing me wrong, because every time the community at large is like “Contra, this is kinda shitty, please just think about what you’re broadcasting to your 250,000+ followers”, she disappears for a while and comes back and jokes about being canceled and continues on.

Well, this time she said that people asking pronouns when she feels like she’s the only trans woman there is invalidating. And that’s super fine. Her airing that is fine. I understand how it can feel invalidating, especially when you hold up how well you pass as the main easer of your dysphoria. But she phrased it in a way that seemed kinda crapp to nb folks. So folks gently called her in, myself included, and she doubled down. 

And of course, as with any drama, there were assholes and monsters tryna doxx her and actually doxxing her and sending nasty messages to people and her, threats and the usual shitbag bullshit nasty people pull.

She deleted twitter for a while, but then she came back, to promote her new video.

Where she had Buck Angel of all fucking people in it. 

Buck, who was suggested by Teryn, a friend of hers and former LOUD transphobic trans person. Buck is a transphobic trans man who not only has run pyramid schemes targeting trans men, but he’s also outed lana wachowsky without her permission to the rolling stone because his wife left him for her, he’s also continually misgendered trans men he decides don’t pass, he says queer trans people aren’t really queer, he APOLOGIZES TO TERFS FOR TRANS PEOPLE EXISTING. He’s a shitbag and we’ve KNOWN he’s a shitbag for well over 15 years. 

And with her truscummy tendencies, folks were like. Okay. Hold the fucking phone Nat. 

Well she did a patreon q&a this past week where she said she knew buck because he looks “strikingly cis” and that’s why she’s a fan of him. She boiled down his years of scams and transphobia to “some bad tweets”, she through Harris under the bus for saying he was actually fucked up over being put in a video with a dickhead like Buck without his knowledge, and she made light of him doing good work with the mermaids charity earlier this year.

ANyway, Cis Yter lindsay ellis, one of nat’s bffs, posted this four image “”acknowledgement”” of natalie’s shit and said this: 

“Why would one repeatedly fall on the sword apologizing to a community that jumps at every possibility to apply the worst possible interpretation of any perceived transgression?”

The trans community’s criticism of natalie isn’t based on “perceived transgressions”. It’s not bad faith interpretation. We fucking REACHED OUT TO TRY AND BE LIKE NATALIE, YOU’VE ONLY BEEN TRANSITIONING FOR TWO YEARS, PLEASE STOP TALKING OVER OTHER TRANS PEOPLE, PLEASE STOP CENTERING YOUR EXPERIENCES, PLEASE STOP SAYING NB PEOPLE ARE MAKING IT DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO LIVE AS A WOMAN, THIS IS KINDA BAD.

AND THAT IS THE BIG CRIME HERE.

Anyway George said I’m just “following a mob” because I dont’ want to support her fucking work anymore. He’s like gone full white knight for her, and I get it, being a NB person with a LOT of internalized bullshit, you don’t seem to care that a large amount of people have been hurt over and over and over by her words and deeds. And not just NB folks. Non-passing trans folks. Older trans women she claims are all truscum. Older trans men she passes over because they dont’ look “strikingly cis”. 

One night he claimed his depression was so bad because folks were just kinda done with Nat’s shit that he wasn’t excited and food had no taste. That shit isn’t HEALTHY.

I made one post last night about Lindsay’s shitty apology and he responded TODAY, at like 4:30 in the morning, with “where’s the lie?” about the excerpt I posted.

He keeps saying i’m a hypocrite but I’m not whipping up people against her, I’m not dehumanizing her, and I only retweet stuff other binary trans women say in regards to her damn Patreon bullshit. I decided for myself I was no longer comfortable watching her shit, and I think that should be fair??? I don’t know why he’s going so fucking hard in on this, other than I know he’s attracted to her, but like. Buddy so am I, doesn’t mean I think she doesn’t need to take some fucking time back and stop being a reactionary. 

Anyway it’s this thing seething inside him and I... I dunno. He fucking got on my business about it in KROGER the other night, fuckign KROGER, and no matter how many times I told him to drop it he just fucking wouldn’t! 

I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know what to fucking do. 

Might just end up blocking him on twitter if he doesn’t stop. won’t stop the real-life issues surrounding this (K R O G E R), but it’ll make him get off my fuckin back.