#this is also technically a redo of the thing i did for guts cause it wasnt SUPER great

[technicoloranimalviolence]

htftober, day 2, picnic

[ourladylennon]

this is a stress rant and also I absolutely have to get these thoughts out of my head and onto something so that I can understand how I'm feeling. so pardon me.

I have some very mixed feelings about my latest tattoo experience and it has been incredibly, astoundingly stressful. For anyone who was interested in how it went.

and after typing out this whole rant and reading it back my advice is: ALWAYS make sure it is exactly what you want. ALWAYS speak up if you don’t.

I have a specific style, as everyone, but the style of tattoo I have is a bit of a niche that can be hard to find: geometric design with dotwork/pointillism/stippling techniques to create shading rather then standard fill in shading. This shading style is incredibly time consuming and taxing for the artist and I've had a lot of trouble finding people who specialize in this (and within my area).

I started with an artist about 3 years ago, whom was new to me but known to be good. Got my appt set up, he drew me an entire sleeve- it was absolutely gorgeous. Went through two sessions and his work is genuinely amazing. Clean. Precise. Detailed. Unique. I didn't vibe with him too great but it was something I kind of put aside. But without explaining the whole fucking mess that became, just know that our artist-client relationship fell through. This left me with only the beginning of my tattoo. The whole ordeal was really stressful and upsetting so I put down the goal of getting it finished to try and recoup. And I just continually hit roadblocks trying to find artists who are good at dotwork and willing to do it. Often times they live in other cities/states/etc. Obviously this involves meeting a new artist, trying to figure out if it's a good fit, driving out for consultations/redoing all that process- s t r e s s. Now with covid, it's even more difficult because almost every artist I've come across that I've considered has closed books. All of them being out of town which is fine because it would be worth it. It's expected.

But after three years of this go around of trying to find someone, I was getting really put out by the process and just wanting to get this thing going. (Mistake #1- or #2 technically cause fucking up w the first artist is where it all started and I do regret it to this day).

A new shop opened IN my town- a miracle!!! I started following an artist whose work I found to be particularly amazing. Clean lines, clean shading, artistic seeming. Didn't see any pointillism, but I just like kept seeing her work and thinking damn that's good. So I decided to reach out and told her this is what I'm looking for, a dotwork sleeve and here are some examples of the style I like. I specifically mentioned this and asked if they'd be interested in working on it because I know that dotwork is not everyone's thing. The artist replied and said they've been wanting to get into and would like to do that (we'll call this mistake #3. Do not assume the artist, even if very good at other things will be good at all things. Do not go to an artist wanting a specific style without having seen their work for THAT style).

At this point I sent over pictures of my current tattoo that we'd be adding onto for reference. In my mind this is what I thought would mean: "I am looking at what you have to see how to incorporate it into a new sleeve design and see how I can create a collaborative piece and mesh the two together." (Mistake #4: that was not the case. Do not assume. Anything. Ever.)

The appt date was relatively quick despite the fact that I figured she'd be booked out for quite some time (red flag #1: not because she wasn't busy. But because this was not a whole lot of time to come up with a design but I figured "Well she knows her capabilities better than I do and she wouldn't suggest it that soon if she weren't sure). In my previous experiences, the artist will send you a proof or have a separate appt to review the design. I never received an email with said design (red flag #2, in my personal opinion. But I thought I was just being...extra? Also just thought, okay I'll see it at the appt and it will be OK, right? <- mistake #5).

I show up, there is no sleeve design. (RED FLAG #3) There are two single mandala tattoos. Outlines only. No shading. I'd also like to say my style is much more geometric fractals than it is mandala. A lot of people find these interchangeable but...they're really much different. (RED. FLAG. #4). I genuinely did not see that coming. Maybe I'm wrong to say, but this was negligent in my opinion and experience. A sleeve design ensures that your finished piece flows, that it works together, you can see the whole picture, modify, etc. Especially with it being an addition to my existing work. Cannot stress how much of a red flag.

I'm wigging out at this point. I don't love them but I want this tattoo. I'm going back and forth thinking, "maybe it's just because the shading isn't filled in I can't picture it." (MISTAKE #6: trust your gut!!!). I tell her OK well I like this about this one and that about that one. She only nods and listens, where I was expecting feedback; perhaps an "OK well we can draw it on" or "I can rework it" etc. She didn't and I am too paralyzed to speak up. (Red flag #4)

Mistake #7: I accept it at this point. I pick between the two. She has to go resize it. I'm having a literal internal freak out and battle. I am someone who DOES NOT know how to speak up for themselves. In any way. EVER. For any reason. At any time. I am a fear based individual, in fact, I am nearly certain I have APD (avoidant personality disorder) and it effects me severely and deeply. To the point that simply speaking to someone can be hard for me.

But my brain was screaming you cannot do this! You aren't sure! This is for life! It's your body!! You HAVE to say something! (RED fucking alert)

She came back with the one design resized and my heart is thumping, my chest is constricting, the throat feels like it's closing. I make myself say it. I tell her I don't think this is what I'm looking for. I literally almost busted into tears trying to say it because I was so fucking terrified and overwhelmed. I've never been in a position where I genuinely wasn't sure whether I liked what I was looking at. She says you don't need to be sorry you should speak up this is your body. So immediately, I lost a lot of tension because of her kindness. I thought she would be angry or rude or upset, just because I'm fearful. She proceeded to kind of go in and shade in with a pencil on the stencil to give me a better idea and apologized that she should have had that prepared. I continue asking questions to assuage my concerns and feel....better....ish. she offers to redraw and reschedule but I went against my gut, gave into my desperacy to continue my sleeve, dismissed my feelings as being just my typical overexertion of fear and did something I NEVER do: turn my back on my instincts. (Mistake. Mistake #8)

She was pleasant and I genuinely enjoyed her, felt comfortable with her which is not something I can say about previous artists and that's a good chunk of why I decided to continue. I liked her, I liked her other work I've seen, I just thought that once the stippling was in that I'd see it was really nice. However, I am laying there and I'm like I do not feel poking, which is literally how dotwork is done. Dot by dot. I'd feel her do the tiniest bit of dot-dot-dot and I'm like OK OK I'm just not paying full attention and missing it. But then I'd hear and feel her shading- standard shading. I'm like why is she using a shading tip? I'm just confused honestly. I'm like I have no idea what the could be for, just assume it's necessary for something I didn't realize. But I can see because I'm laying and my arms at a weird angle.

I finally get a peek while she's pausing and its....not dotwork. It's not dotwork at all, in fact. It's too late at this point in my eyes. It was only partially done but what am I gonna do? Stop her in the middle and have an unfinished tattoo? And then what? (Try to) go to someone else to have them do dotwork and have a half unmatching tattoo? There was nothing I could do. So I resigned and accepted this as the consequences of my actions and ill choices. And that's honestly been the hardest part to deal with: I let this happen to myself because I could not speak up. The only person who could have stopped this was ME. And I could not do it. That's how deeply my issues of fear run. And that is terrifying, pathetic, sad.

I'm not saying I got the world's ugliest tattoo. It's okay. Just okay. In the words of RuPaul, meh. I don't want meh. I want astounding. And I didn't do what I needed to to make that happen or not happen.

I just have been in awe over the fact that I asked for dotwork and the artist expressed no concern over this, literally had my existing tattoo right above where they were working and continued to not emulate that style of shading at all. Most of this is my fault, 90% of it. But there was negligence on the artists side and I genuinely don't think they meant it to be. I just don't think they had enough experience, but they too should have spoke up if they didn't feel they could carry it out. They gave me no inclination that they could not or would not be doing dotwork. At any point. And I do feel upset that I don't think they put in the effort or care to work off my existing tattoo in their design, and in looking back, their design also does not look nearly anything like the designs I gave for example. It was my job to walk away and request a redesign or to cancel and I didn't. So in the end this is on me. And it has been very taxing on my mental state.

To end this shit show: the tattoo I just got costed half of what my first one did, while only having taking the fraction of time as my first and being less then half the size of my first. It is not nearly as clean, it certainly reflects their level of experience. The shop environment was not fantastic: it felt a bit like as if I had walked into a chain restaurant...but a tattoo shop. There were no private rooms, there were no tattoo chairs. They were literal stools and that's not...not professional or normal. And I chose to continue.

I'm faced with some really tough decisions moving forward. I am at least thankful it is relatively small ish and wraps towards my inner arm which makes it less visible. But I'm at a crossroads of whether I go through the whole mess of trying to find a FOURTH artist to try and finish my sleeve the way it was meant to be finished (dotwork, whole sleeve design etc) and make the best of it at the risk of having a fucking patchwork arm. Or I continue to work with this artist and see the design through myself (literally design it myself which I didn't want to do but it doesn't appear that I should leave this to them), so that at least the remainder of my arm is consistent shading and work.

And because I've made it sound like the tattoo is atrocious, be assured it's not trash by any means. It's just not what I wanted. Big sis learned a big lesson.

(the immediate center is bothering me the most. But I think it can be altered. Nonetheless. The skill/experience level shows, unfortunately. And you can certainly see the difference between the stipple shading on my first tattoo and the regular shading on the new one.)

I am trying to be positive and that's all I can do. I accept the results and I think it can be fixed to a certain extent, and I can only hope as I move forward that I make the right decision and that the end product is something I enjoy.

[lux-i-fer]

Dunno if you’re still taking requests, but if you are (and have time!) perhaps a reveal whump to lucifers friends (Ella, Dan maybe) while he’s saving Trixie? I’ve just gotten this image in my head of Luci protecting the lil human like he protected Chloe in s3 final

Technically requests are closed but considering I got less requests than usual this time I think I can make an exception ;) If you like reveal fics that include Dan in the mix check out this fic of mine. There’s no Trixie but there is some whump! For this fic I didn't include an exact redo of the s3 finale but I did include some wing!fic similar to it.

EDIT: This came out a lot longer than anticipated and will also be put up on AO3

When the call came in Dan assumed the worst. Twelve witnesses claimed to have seen Trixie walking to a friend’s house after school. Ten claimed to have seen her get pulled into the back seat of an unmarked car. All ten witnesses had tried to save her and all ten witnesses had failed.

Dan’s stomach twisted when the evidence was laid out. Minus the witnesses, it reminded him too much like another kidnapping. He hoped, no he prayed, that Trixie wasn’t going to meet the same fate as April Tinsley had thirty years ago. Neither he nor Chloe would be able to live with themselves if their baby girl was found mutilated and violated in a ditch on the side of the road.

And as if the nightmare couldn’t get any worse, the LAPD had hit a dead end. Correction: the majority of the LAPD had hit a dead end, Chloe, on the other hand, was denying that they’d hit a dead end. 

Dan stole a glance at Chloe’s desk. It was covered with papers and frantic scribbles. Lucifer loomed just over her shoulder, and if Dan didn’t know better, he’d think that it was Lucifer’s kid that had been kidnapped. The man’s face was twisted into something that Dan had never seen before. His features were neutral, blank even, but his eyes burned with a fury that forced the precinct into a tense silence.

The wheeze of a printer made Dan jump. When he realized the noise belonged to Chloe’s desktop printer, he ran towards it. The message had printed by the time he got there. 

WE HAVE YOUR DAUGHTER. MAKE US A DEAL. 

Dan reread the message five times over. The second sentence didn’t make sense. Ransom notes usually included an exact amount of money, but this note read like a blank check. There was no amount, no location, and no indication that they shouldn’t contact law enforcement. 

Chloe didn’t seem to care how wrong the whole thing felt. She was already jabbing at her keyboard, trying to ping where the message had been sent from. Dan looked at Lucifer for an answer, but Lucifer wasn’t staring at the paper. He was staring at his phone. A shadow of disdain crossed over his face, and his frown deepened. If Dan’s heart wasn’t beating as fast as it was, maybe he would have commented on the sudden chill that swept through the precinct. 

“Excuse me, Detective, Daniel,” he muttered, hardly concealing his anger. Then he began to walk off towards the stairs.

Dan’s head whipped towards Ella’s office, where he knew she’d been spying on them for the past few minutes. He caught her eye and jerked his head in Lucifer’s direction. She nodded and grabbed her purse off the table. They headed towards the parking garage.

“We’re going to get some fresh air, Chlo’.” 

Chloe didn’t respond.

“We can take my car,” Ella said when they got outside. 

Dan grunted his understanding and five minutes later they were racing down the Strip in a vintage Thunderbird. Despite his head start, Lucifer wasn’t hard to find. His Corvette weaved through traffic oblivious to pedestrians and road signs, leaving a trail of car horns and near-miss accidents in its wake. Ella maneuvered around the damage expertly and without complaint. 

Fifteen minutes later, Lucifer made a hard right and banked into a group of warehouses. By the time Dan and Ella caught up, they found the Corvette haphazardly parked with the key still in the ignition. 

“If I had to guess, I’d say Lucifer’s in there.” Ella gestured to an access door nearly ripped off its hinges. 

Dan unholstered his pistol. “And if I had to guess, I’d say the kidnappers are in there too.” 

They crept into the warehouse, Dan in front and Ella just behind him, gripping the bottom of his jacket. The few lights that hadn’t been busted out were flickering, almost as if there was a short in the wiring. Shafts of dusty sunlight filtered in through the shattered window panes and cut through the places where the flood lights didn’t shine. Shipping crates and wooden pallets lined the perimeter of the room, and as soon as they could, Dan and Ella ducked behind them for cover. 

They’d walked a few hundred feet when suddenly, Ella shoved him down to the dirt floor. “Get down.”

He went down soundlessly. Next to him, Ella was typing something out on her phone. When she was done, she turned it towards him.

I’m texting for backup it read. 

Dan moved to grab the phone and typed out a message of his own: make sure they know to stay quiet. We don’t want to spook them.

Ella nodded and took the phone back to start typing out her message. When she was done, Dan army crawled towards the voices. The voices got louder and more distinct until finally he could make out what they were saying.

“Look we ain’t the bad guys here. You want your daughter and we want what belongs to us, alright?” a voice said from the other side of the shipping containers.

“One, Beatrice isn’t my daughter. Two, I don’t know what you want, you haven’t told me.” 

Dan barely managed to stay quiet. That was Lucifer’s voice. 

“I thought Lucifer Morningstar didn’t lie.”

“I don’t. Tell me what you want, and I’ll arrange its arrival if and only if you let Beatrice go this instant.”

Dan flinched when he heard the sound of a fist hitting flesh. He crawled a few more feet and managed to find a gap in between containers that he could see what was going on. 

Lucifer sat handcuffed to a metal chair, surrounded by five hulking goons. Each man had a rifle strapped to their backs and handguns on their waistbands. A sixth guy stood parallel to them, holding a gun to Trixie’s head. Dan gulped and tried to keep his breathing under control. 

The man holding Trixie spoke, and Dan realized it was him that had been making demands earlier. “We know what you are, Satan.”

“Then you should know exactly the kind of torment you can expect to receive when your miserable excuses for souls cross the threshold.”

One of the five henchmen punched Lucifer in the gut. It was a shock when he barely even flinched. Then, the henchmen drew out a curved dagger that Dan could have sworn he’d seen before.

“This,” the leader explained, “can kill you, Devil. We have sources that tell us it was forged in Hell.”

Dan didn’t need to see his face to know that Lucifer was at least a little surprised. “And, pray tell, how did you come across this weapon?”

The leader jabbed the barrel of the gun into Trixie’s temple, causing her to whimper. “Your daughter’s backpack.”

“I’m sorry Lucifer, Maze gave me one for emergencies,” she said in a wobbly voice. 

The man slapped Trixie. “Quiet!” 

Dan’s blood boiled, and if the tension in Lucifer’s shoulders were anything to go by, so had his. 

A low, predatory growl rose up from Lucifer’s throat and Dan could have sworn the ground trembled from its intensity. “I’m afraid that was the wrong decision.”

The leader smiled crookedly and shot the henchmen holding Maze’s dagger a look. In one swift movement, the man rammed the blade into Lucifer’s thigh. The only sound Lucifer made was a soft hiss, as if all of the air was being sucked from his lungs. The henchmen slammed his open palm down next to the blade and only then did Lucifer scream in pain. The henchmen removed his hand from Lucifer’s thigh and turned it up so it caught the light. It was stained dark crimson.

The leader laughed in disbelief. “It looks like the big bad Devil isn’t so macho after all.” He shook Trixie’s shoulders. “I wonder if he’ll cry if we shoot his girl.”

In that moment, Dan didn’t even think. He fingers flicked off the safety and fired off a round. The next thing he knew, the leader was falling backwards, and Trixie was falling with him. The five henchmen drew their handguns. Dan barely registered Lucifer snapping the handcuff chain, but he was up and stumbling out of the chair with a cry of pain before he could blink. He watched in horror as Lucifer ripped the blade out of his thigh and began racing towards the group. 

Dan glanced back at Ella, and their eyes met in the darkness. An unspoken agreement sparked between them. Dan cocked his gun just as Ella let out a bloodcurdling scream. Lucifer and the henchmen whipped towards the scream and Dan took another shot. A henchman crumpled to the ground.

What happened next was something Dan couldn’t explain. For a brief second, everything came to a standstill and then it erupted into chaos. He lay in the dirt, dumbfounded. Two white wings, flared from Lucifer’s back. Dan watched as he lunged for the remaining henchmen, dagger in his right hand and his left balled into a fist. He looked every bit the avenging angel from the scripture and Dan couldn’t have been more terrified.

He swallowed his fear and flicked his safety back on before sliding the gun to Ella. Then he made a break for Trixie. Gunshots when off around him, but Dan didn’t stop. He saw Trixie rooted to the spot, shirt stained with her kidnapper’s blood, and ran faster. More screams rose up into the air, but none of them belonged to Ella. 

Dan didn’t stop running when he reached Trixie. He just leaned down, and scooped her up by the armpits and flung her over his shoulder and kept going. He didn’t stop moving until they were safely behind a shipping container on the opposite side of the building.

He set her down to look at her face. “Are you hurt, monkey?”

Trixie shook her head.

“Does your face hurt?” He touched the red hand print left over from where the leader had slapped her. She flinched away from his touch. 

Opened his arms, inviting her to hug him. “Come here.”

Trixie went and they stayed wrapped up in each other until the screams and gunshots were no more.

“You can come out now, Daniel, Ms. Lopez, they won’t be harming anyone now,” Lucifer’s voice cut through the silence.

Slowly, with Trixie still in his arms, Dan peered out from around the container. The scene that greeted them almost made him sick. Lucifer was coated in blood from head to wingtip. The dagger in his hand hung limply at his side and what looked to be bullet holes riddled his clothes. Loose, mangled feathers littered the floor and coated the stiff bodies of all six kidnappers. Across the room, Ella was making her way to the center of the room, eyes wide. 

Dan met Lucifer’s eyes, and was surprised to find that they were blazing red. 

Slowly, he got to his feet and crept towards Lucifer, the actual Devil. The closer he got to the bloodied man, the more obvious it became that Lucifer wasn’t in good shape. His breathing was labored and his wings were trembling feverishly.

“It’s alright, I won’t hurt you either.” Lucifer closed his eyes and sucked in a ragged breath. There was a sickening squelch and the crimson-stained white wings receded back into Lucifer’s body. The effort forced him to brace himself against his knees. After another breath, he righted himself and opened his eyes. They were brown.

“You’re not a method actor,” Ella said softly. 

Lucifer gave a heartless chuckle and shook his head. 

“But you saved Trixie,” Dan said, holding his daughter tighter.

“Beatrice is innocent. Even though she’s clearly not my spawn, a child should not pay for their father’s sins.”

For some reason, hearing Lucifer call Trixie spawn was relieving. He shifted Trixie to his hip so he could reach out and grip Lucifer’s shoulder. The man swayed under his grasp and when he matched Dan’s stare, his eyes were glassy. “Thank you,” he said fiercely. “You don’t know how much it means to me that you did that for her.”

Ella gave Lucifer a light pat on the arm. “Yeah buddy, that was pretty heroic of you to come in here alone. Super dumb, but I’ll give you credit for it anyways.”

Lucifer tried to flash one of his signature smiles, but all he could manage was a weak grin. “You’re not frightened?”

Dan squeezed his shoulder and gave it a small shake. “Dude you saved Trixie’s life, why would we be scared?”

Lucifer opened his mouth to respond, but just then half of the LAPD burst into the warehouse. Leading the pack was Chloe, gun drawn and eyes wild. When they fell on Dan with Trixie and then on Lucifer and then Ella, she let out a small cry of relief. She rushed towards them, holstering her gun as she went. 

“Are you alright, baby?” She cradled Trixie’s face with a trembling hand.

Trixie could barely lift her head off Dan’s shoulder. “Yeah,” she whispered tiredly. 

Chloe looked to Dan for confirmation. 

“She’s a little bruised and a little scared, but that’s it,” he told her. Chloe’s eyes swept over them once more before she turned to Lucifer, who was beginning to look paler and paler. Seemingly not caring about the blood, she wrapped him in a hug. His arms weakly went around her waist.

“Don’t do that ever again, you dumbass.” Chloe pulled away to look into his eyes. “Why didn’t you wait for backup? We would have helped. I just turned around and all three of you were gone and then I get this text from Ella demanding backup with an address. I thought you might have been dead or worse, Lucifer.” Lucifer just shrugged and Chloe pulled him to her again. “I’m so glad you’re safe.” She finally let go of him and turned towards Dan and Ella. “I’m so glad all of you are safe.”

Behind her, Lucifer was swaying. Dan was about to say something, but before he could, he watched as the Devil’s eyes rolled in the back of his head and he collapsed into a heap on the floor. Chloe and Ella sunk down to try and revive him.

“We need a medic over here!” Ella called to the group of officers looking at the six unconscious bodies of the kidnappers.

Dan watched as a paramedic rushed over and helped Chloe and Ella secure Lucifer onto a stretcher. He watched as Satan himself was whisked away towards the ambulance undoubtedly parked outside and thought to himself about how odd it was that he felt more at ease in LA than ever before.

[tarotjourney2021]

6:16 PM Last day of work before going on leave

I think this is the tower moment.. the moment they told me about.. that I am gonna have a big change which will scare me.. i think this is is.. but contarary to what I thought before, the change won't happen to me, the job won't call me back while I do nothing, this job might try to insult me again as a second blow.. and this tower of the 360 review.. which i can hear Areen's mean thoughts of how can I kick her harder.. this backstabbing bitch! She will get her karma.. and the karma will be through my work.. i will start publishing all the links and things I have been featured in.. so everyone knows how good I am.. and this my work will be the karma.. the karma won't come from an outside source.. the karma.. is me..! it's me bitch!

I think Minnow Pond said something to that effect.. he said that you will see someone get their karma.. but the karma could be through me getting my success! And that's exactly what I'm gonna do Chris.. I am done with this fool journey.. I need to step into the magician.. I need to level up.. to get my 'glow up'

very very very cheesy.

anyways,

The same applies to the tower.. i am the one who will take control of the tower and be the one not only jumping out of it willingly, but creating it. I will manifest what I want, and would work very hard and strategically towards it.. I will update the website.. most of it is done anyways.. just the last stop of details and making decisions and doing a bulk of work done... okay.. i have a lot to do.. but at least I know that i started and did a shit load of work before.. and it got me here.. how many times did I design and redesign the website.. even though everyone tells me it looks great.. but do i let that be and work on the technical parts of it.. like the shop or the blog or to let people share my stuff on social media..I mean! there is a lot to be done.. but that's okay.. let's push ourselves to the next phase.. because this is the price to be paid to manifest this.. I want the kind of employer that is not only impressed that I have a website, but can appreciate that I have a terrific website.. levelling up requires that, I need to ask for better things. and just because I like to research the hell out of things, I decided to watch every video ever made on youtube on manifestation, scripting.. add it to a long list.. bingewatch it as I organize my youtube videos.. so I can give them to the two editors.. and this way the youtube channel can keep going..

I will still try to keep my deadline of publishing a youtube video today.. cause I need to be consistent and to be consistent I need to stick to the plan.. the plan is good.. land the plan..or take off.. do something.. stop hovering.. stop doing things half-assed and congratulating yourself for getting out of bed, cause you have mental health issues.

We have a therapist now, so she will be helping with that, and also I am still willing to put in the work.. i am the king of pentacles.. despite the turblant water.. i am still focused on my pentacles.. still willing to sit here.. after breaking down in tears after the 360 review.. after all the work I have been doing.. and letting these as%###$@ make me work regularly long hours.. sometimes until 10 at night or midnight.. only to make me redo it all again.. because they changed their mind! Making me go on a saturday, across town in the ttc to take pictures with my personal camera and come back home at 5.. shaking with exhaustion.. and i only had sunday to work before i start the work day again.. and I wonder why I am always sick.. i work myself to the bone.

Even now.. even now .. when not even an hour ago.. i told myself to relax and sleep on the hammock to calm myself down and remind myself that the positive comments from the CEO, my manager, even my new manager can't stop saying great things about me. But you know how it is.. it is the corporate world, 360 reviews is the perfect time for anyone who has been hating on you, and to be honest with your taurus anger when someone disrespects you, especially when it involves racism, it boils my blood. And everyone wants to treat me like I am an idiot, when they hear my accent, or being black, an immigrant, single in my 30s... a lot of back-handed comments are exchanged.. racist 'jokes'.. even a suggestion of a black face from that bitch.. when the manager asked for suggestions for Halloween costumes as a team for the office virtual mandatory party. And both our TWO managers were in the meeting.. and none of them said anything! Shouldn't you 'manage' this?

I need to show them in action, very quietly without a lot of chatter that they don't get to do that.. they don't get to allow this kind of behaviour.. coming from the CEO herself and her daughter..

But I need to win all the way through, I need to keep my cool, they automatically win, if I lose it and start openly misbehaven.. the best insults are the ones that are given with class.

So what's the plan.

I will do the whole ritual thing, candles and all.

and then get to work.

Hopefully by the time I am done watching youtube, the files will be sent to my editors.. and youtube the youtube channel will start picking up soon. I think I already said that.

Then!

I will buy the sparkling water thing.. I feel the problem with staying focused is that I need hydration and somehow I can't stand tab water these days.. and I can't have enough of sparkling.. so let's make the investment.. you are officially on leave for the next two weeks, you will be able to post all those things to facebook market and sell them, and put the money back into the little investments we need to do now..

Like the investment in my time and energy I am gonna have to make to meet my illustration deadline and my youtube deadline

Let's start with youtube deadline.. I need to build the trust in myself.. by keeping this promise.. I will publish a video on youtube every week on Thursday 11 AM. I know I already missed the time deadline.. but it is still thursday.. so let's do the easiest thing to do and post it.. doesn't matter we only have 25 subscribers.. 26!! sorry!!!!  so no one is watching.. you need to jerk the giant algoritm awake and the only way to awaken this dragon is by meeting this deadline.. over and over and over again.. and I want you to have those posters of red crosses all around to see the progress that I am making in everything and keep things balanced.. and after this time off i want it to be clear in your mind.. what we are postponing, what we are focusing on.. my art.. my clay.. building this as a business... slowly but surely.

ok, after the youtube video.. i will give myself the deadline of 45 minutes.. so we are done.. i might even make it 30 minutes.. because i want to test my theory.. that people now want youtube videos to be as short as possible maybe a minute or two.. because youtube videos now compared to what's out there on social media feel like 2-hour long movies.. we have adapted to everything being tik-tok fast and crazy, so we can't sit through anything this long.. i personally can't! So I have to assume I am not alone, and I would like to attract those people on youtube, the people that I can almost feel their pulse.. they are tuned to me, can get what I like.. feel like they know me and I know them, feel like it is a warm hug between dear friends they found each others but never knew one another. I want that. But to get there.. I need to throw a lot of things out there and assess, adjust and move forward.. I need to be more like the chariot, Cancer, my moon sign. i need to flow like water.. move a way a little bit from my Taurus ways.. my Virgo rising better pay attention to all these little details and I should give her back the hermit mode... where I can retreat into my introverted shell and stay here for a little bit, until i start to figure things out.. I am actually almost flattered to know that the magician is also a card for virgo.. and it is fitting that I am stepping into this magician.. literally.. googling magic stuff.. and petition examples.. and also physically by actively going after the laid down plan.. the plan i kept changing and working out in my head..I feel for years, but never taking a real step towards it, but now it's time. It's been long enough.. the plan is ready.. let's go.. not apologetically... not kinda.. all in! ALL #!@#@$ IN!!

That's what I promised that I would do when I had this 'awakening or whatever', that to pay back the universe lady for seeing me for what I am and what I can be, that I won't give up on myself.. and I will stand up for that voice in my head that's trying to kill me and this feeling of longing to die. I even had the urge to die today.. to give up. and wish I was gone, out of laziness more than anything.. self pity and look-at-me bo-ho.. i know i sound mean.. and I am probably an asshole on some level(s). I should be compassionate.. i'm sorry towards myself first.. I know that i am healing from a trauma. I am better, but still all over the place.. i am so stressed and so alone.. i have been a lone for too long.. i realize now since I moved to Canada 4 years ago, I got lazy on the friends front, settled into a small group of women, whom are nice, but are not my people.. they can part of my people.. but not the centre.. they should be on the side tables... I need to find the right people for me.. to give me warmth.. my life has been cold and lonely for too long.. being here alone.. starting my life over.. still in a way living a double life between the old traditions and between who i really I am and what I want..and what I have been raised on that I am not good enough to have it. Even though I know in my gut that I can have it. I used to have the dead belief in myself that I will have everything.. but something broke back in Sudan. The weight of the tradition or the culture.. the shari'a law.. and its unforgiving rules.. people and how cruel they can sometimes get with their racist misogynist lifestyles that they impose on me, with all their force... then the heart break.. I never thought anything could throw me off like that, but it did. I guess I was already beaten enough when his blow came.

He too is another person I need to be on that mountain.. on top of it.. so he doesn't miss me. he can't miss me. and I don't think it will take me as long as I think to get on the top of the mountain. The hermit is already on the top of the mountain.. but I need to trust that I need to get myself mentally there.. so this physical world follows.

But to get there... i need to focus on myself.. forget about all of those people who shook your ego. You have to shake them off.. and put your head down to pray.. even though we don't pray .. but we need to lay down the details on that little prayer ritual I made up. A small part of me thinks it is ridiculous, because it is. But the other part loves it.. it gives me strength and I can almost swear.. actually i can swear.. that it was working.. the difficult days ahead smoothed out... and the dragon weren't as scary as I thought. I got a few little chips of gold every here and there.. and now I want to go for the real deal.

I need to be Indiana Jones one more time though, I know I am tired of it.. like literally tired.. my eyes are red.. and my body is aching.. couldn't because of all the crying with myself after work. I mean today is my last day of work before time off.. and I thought judging my surprising positivity this year, I thought I will be with a glass of wine celebrating by now... but I think knowing that rest is coming soon, my body is collapsing.

And true to my nature I am pushing her a little bit more. But we will rest I promise.. your cut off time is 10 PM! Then you can do whatever the hell I want. Maybe if it's not raining lay down in the hammock I need it.. I am tired.. it was so nice for a few minutes.. then I was again restless to start working again.

am I losing my mind?

[vtruq]

My biggest breakdown since 2018; Looking from the mountain to the valley, 23.12.2020

A lot has been happening. I ended the contact to Arik after realizing that I am not “myself” and that I am acting opportunistically. This combined with assignments in uni that triggered the feeling of being incapable to solve technical problems pulled me down. I felt lonely and very insecure. Now, 2 weeks later the exam period is over and I sit firmly in the saddle again. However, during the time I wrote down many thoughts and it would be a waste not to document them here. The core learnings are: Thoughts and also work ALWAYS take up the space I give them. So I rather want to be decisive about how much I think about things. Especially because this takes me out of the situation and makes me overthink. Also, it shows me that I do not trust my intuition/ my gut feeling. And trusting exactly that is something I want to do more. I want to do things because I feel them, whether it is meeting people, sexual encounters, partying, work or something else. I do not want to talk myself into it. Listening to myself, I also want to avoid being talked into things. The process that needs to start now more than ever is that of “building my own agenda”. Meaning that I follow interests and spend my time with people who give me energy, being myself and accepting who I am, what I can and what I can´t do. Doing that I also want to maintain flexibility in my schedule to be open for spontaneous events. As mentioned many times before, I got to love the story of my life that I can tell. Not 5 or 10 years from now; rather EVERY MOMENT. Only that way I avoid being burned out. Overcoming things to me means to be able to think and talk about it horizontally and not vertically. I do not want to think about another guy or whatever. I want to be happy and busy with my own life. So much that I am more resilient... Being able to sit down and write this post for 2 hours shows me how privileged I am since I can give so much thought to these things. I am happy to be able to give these things mental space to process them and at the same time, I know how privileged I am and that I am over things. “Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.” “With effort and dedication, one can improve life.” Without further redo, here are the thoughts that crossed my mind during my lowest low... 

When I meet a girl that I think is super attractive and cool, it can trigger feelings of inferiority in me. Which shows me that I am not confident/ completely satisfied with my life. So again; something I should change when it comes to my agenda. “Your vibe makes your tribe” I do not want to think too much, I want to feel things. I am happy for every moment and I am happy if I can share nice moments in my own life (=moment I create) with someone. But if something feels bad I want to talk about it and have the courage to turn a “great offer down”.

Don´t be scared to say “no” when the vibe is not there Also with Arik, we had different intentions. She just wanted a good time. And I wanted a good time with a girlfriend/ in a relationship.

Don´t bend yourself for someone Bending/ over-exhaustion leads to breaking in the long run. This is me; I am who I am. I am ok – you are ok. Confidence in me, the projects I love and I am working on and this process will lead me to the “right” people and the “right” partner. The moment I am fine with myself, I do not lay too much in the partnership. At that moment I have a harbour of safety in myself, the hobbies I execute and the friends that surround me. And the partner is then just the cherry on top of the cake that is my life.

Love is not a work project It should be authentic and real and honest in every single moment. Honest to oneself and honest to the partner. What leads me to the confidence to speak about this is my gut feeling.

Trust the gut feeling; you already know what feels right! It does not matter if it is love, work, friends, hobbies, projects or whatever. It is funny how I had a gut feeling when we are kids but somehow I weight thinks like “prestige” higher when it comes to decisions. However, now I am happily starting the process of listening to my gut feeling again. And when something does not feel good: watch it, speak about it to solve it or even end the relationship that causes the bad feeling if it does not get better over time. And that needs confidence.

Have confidence in yourself! I do not want to compare myself to others with grades or anything like that. I want to be happy with myself and the output I create in whatever form it may be. However, Arik triggered feelings of inferiority and changed my self-perception, since she found “Harvard” and “McKinsey” titles attractive and I “did not make it there” (never applied). I have to stay honest and self-aware when such tendencies arise. Similarly, feelings of envy or jealousy to not be invited etc. Only arise when I am not happy with my own agenda. On the same note, to girls, I really want it is hard for me to admit that I am just not good at hands-on / trying out. I am in a way ashamed. However, that's how I work so far. It will get better with less overthinking. Still, also to girls, I want to stay in a “leader/learner” mindset and say; I don´t know, but let's find out.

Don´t be so invested I need to accept my vulnerability. Confidence implies being able to be not sovereign. I think the reason I am so invested in that I think “amazing, finally, something is happening in my life! Let's maintain that because that's how I like it at any cost. Let's maintain it and go beyond what my current energy level is so that in the future I can rely on this person/ circle of people. And that is exactly the implicit pitfall I fell in a couple of weeks ago when I felt “moody” and the pitfall I fell in when it came to Arik. Another string of thought on this: I tend to extrapolate my feelings into the other person. Think about this: If I really meant that much to her, she would have searched the contact to me after I ended it, right?

Find peace On the note of “don´t be so invested”. A partner and also friends can always be on top of an amazing life. But they should never fill up to much room mentally and timewise in a sense that I rely on them to have a good time myself. I need and I want to be happy with myself. I want to find balance and keep trying out new things.

Be yourself From time to time I feel low. No matter where I am. To some extend, I can learn how to handle this “moodiness”. But I also need a partner with whom I can be weak. A partner where I do not have the feeling that I need to show off. I am at a stage where not everything is figured out and perfect. I do not want a partner that provokes feelings where I talk myself down. I want to feel comfortable and be strong. I am a social being and I will still be super excited when I meet super cool people cause this does not happen every day. However, it once again goes back to “love the story I can tell”. I want to fill my life with people and activities I love. For me, this means hobbies that are fun and that need my full attention. Sports such as surfing, basketball etc. Another thought on this: I learn to live right now. Like with food, I need to get better at dispensing good stuff. For now, I tend to do “too much” since apparently, I have been craving good things happening for ages. I need to learn how to channel things, how not to throw things together that are individually cool but do not make sense in combination.

Be confident in yourself, even while exploring things I am bad at I have confidence in my way of working. However, to avoid frustration and a downwards spiral, I want to ask for help earlier in coding projects. Just accepting that others are better in that area and knowing that – especially in stressful situations – I have a tendency to give up to fast if I do not have the feeling of the capability to handle it and if things do not work for more than an hour. If things get too stressful I tend to throw them away. I need people who can help me to fix and overcome things to avoid it. And I need to listen to my gut feeling to escape this vicious cycles and the mental downward spiral early enough. Since I need to structure to understand, things take more time. I am not a fast learner but a good understander...

Chooses the right culture I hate procrastination. Since work always takes up the space one gives to it, I want to keep work time-limited and more emphasis on my own private life, things that make me happy and hence my mental wellbeing. I either want to work or turn my head off and to stuff I enjoy because I commit time and not as a compromise! Again: Ownership for my own life. Frustration and being exhausted from everything should never we the default mode. High on life should be it! Happy for every day!

Red flag for the future: I should take a timeout if I realise myself doing any of those things listed now:

If I do not look in a person's eyes during speaking because I am exhausted.

If I just say “yeah” instead of asking proper follow up questions.

If I find myself laying in bed for 30 minutes thinking about redundant stuff.

If I am jealous of someone.

If I have this feeling of stress in my chest when someone says something that triggers me.