#this is all stupidly messy right now but idk i wanted to post something on the lord's app called tumblr

[ishganytoja]

WIP

I'm becoming silly because I was in bed with my thoughts for a day and the ideas are making my brain go crazy so yeah hehe hihi new OC sorta kinda idk yet tbh gimme a break you can guess the species of this gal though in your free time or something

another thing i wanna add, this is an oc which will be a lot more accurate to what i am irl, appearance wise at least.

my own transition has very much been purely social thus far, it's been 3 years of living in a closet with a few very specific outings where i've presented myself to my friends and the rest of the world as a woman, there's reasons for this (duh). meanwhile my main OC - Ieva is absolutely amazing and i love her but she is also someone who i cannot completely relate to looks-wise. this oc is a lot about depicting ieva the person (through my twisted furry mind of course). to depict and no longer be shackled by the damage of puberty, to make peace with the fact of who i am and most likely will be. it's not healthy to set out unrealistic transition goals and meanwhile ieva the owl is not quite "unrealistic" she's also just very far, it's like drawing myself becoming a formula 1 driver and saying "yup, I can do that" when i am 18 with no money or serious prior racing experience and with an eating disorder. TECHNICALLY it would be possible (see: Pastor Maldonado) but it's not really happening y'know. ieva the dog is just, laid back, imperfect, silly, edgy... imperfect. she'd be me. she's still someone i wish to be, but despite her dog form she's so much more human than my imagining of ieva the owl, she's so much more imperfect, which is why she's so me.

lastly, i'm sorry. i'm sorry i like this. it will keep happening.

cya.

[knottyk]

Caught in the Act

Pairings: Eddie x Henderson!Fem!Reader

Word count: 1.3k

Summary: Eddie cancels the campaign and Dustin, along with Mike and Lucas, wants to know what is so important to tear the strict Dungeon Master away from his beloved club. 

Warnings: implied sexual themes, profanity, um idk let me know if i missed anything lol

edit: crying over how sweet everyone is! And my first post to reach 1k notes accckkkkk!!

The campaign that was originally set for tonight had been pushed for whatever reason and the gang had nowhere else to go. They had already let their parents know that they’ll be out late so why waste the chance for some late night exploring? 

“What if we go to The Hideout. It’s a popular hang out spot now, right?” Lucas kicked a pebble from under his sneakers.

“I bet Eddie’s there. Think of it.” Dustin nodded as he tried to convince the other two. “He never moves the meetings for anything or anyone. Gives us shit for not attending and suddenly he’s not free tonight? I call bull.” 

“We’ll catch him in the act. Then he won’t have anything on us next time.” Lucas agreed as his palm met Dustin’s and they chuckled in excitement.

“And what if he’s not there?” They both turned to Mike who had his hands stuffed in his pockets, shrugging.

“Then he’s not there! We’ll just come back to your place and, I don’t know, do something. Besides, I’ll need a ride home from Y/N. She’s doing some project with Nancy.”

With a half-assed back up plan, the trio set off towards the infamous pub in their Hellfire shirts. The place was littered with people both young and old.

They walked into the place with heads held high as people they recognised from school watched them tread like they owned the place. In addition to being a school night, they were also freshmen. What better way to earn the cool points by being seen at a place as intimidating as The Hideout.

“Let’s just see if he’s here and get outta here.” Mike slightly yelled over the loud music playing in the background, lungs already clouded by the nearby smoke by several lit cigarettes. 

They quickly scanned the place but it didn’t take long to spot the messy mop of hair that stood out in all of Hawkins. 

“Eddie! You lying son of a bitch!” Dustin yelled as they jogged toward the bar, laughing. “We got you!”

At first, Eddie was confused as to why he’s hearing the freshman’s voice at a place he never expected to but his emotion was quickly replaced with an obvious panic as he turned to address the boys without fully turning his body away from the bar.

With a tight lipped smile, he spoke. “Henderson, what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in bed in like, what? Twenty minutes?”

He looked at his wristwatch as he fixed a few strands of hair stuck to his face and mouth, his bangs slightly stuck to his forehead with sweat.

“Aren’t we supposed to be doing the campaign?” They crossed their arms as they examine him with shit eating grins etched on their faces. They caught him. 

“Well, things happen and you know… things happened.” 

As Eddie somewhat explained, Dustin’s eyes linger on the pair of legs dangling over Eddie’s hips. He couldn’t see anything else as the person ducked behind Eddie’s broad back. He tried peering over but Eddie was quick to block him.

Though Dustin quickly realised that he didn’t need to see who it was to know. It was those pristine white sneakers he loathed seeing resting in the shoe racks by the front door. He’d always wanted to smear the underside of his shoes on your white ones just so it wasn’t so clean. 

Though he knew you’d kill him because they were your favorite pair. The one you always wore with the stupidly coordinated outfits to school as his friends snickered at him about you being neat and presentable while he was the other way around. 

The type to be recognised from a crowd of people. The type to be lined up with the likes of Nancy Wheeler and Chrissy Cunningham. The good, perfect girls of Hawkins High.

“Y/N?” He blurted out and despite the loud music, you heard him clearly. Mike and Lucas shifted their gaze between Dustin, Eddie and eventually, you. 

Over Eddie’s shoulder, you waved. “Dustin! Funny seeing you here.” 

Eddie finally parted with the bar and stepped to the side with his hand on his nape while you jump off from the counter, smoothing over your skirt that rode up your leg. 

“What the hell, Y/N? Aren’t you supposed to be with Nancy?” Dustin was frantic. 

Tonight was all about catching their strict dungeon master knee deep in his hypocritical bullshit but what he found was like stepping on a lego or cow shit. Either way, he was disgusted by the idea of whatever you and eddie were doing when they arrived or even before they arrived.

“Look, I think we’re all somewhere we’re not supposed be tonight.” You put a hand on his shoulder as you looked Mike and Lucas in the eye.

Their eyes darted everywhere else except yours. Maybe it was the fact that they know they’re not supposed to be in an adult-only place or the fact that your bra was peeking from your unbuttoned shirt that was now all scrunched up. Who knows?

“You’re not telling on me are you, Dusty?” You ask your brother who had is mouth agape. 

“I mean, The Hideout is not really the place mom would be thrilled to see you in either. You and I would be in great trouble and you can kiss that free trip to Utah goodbye.” You nod slowly as you laid out the facts. “Think about it.” 

You promised to be Dustin’s ride to Utah during the spring break in exchange for him covering for your ass from the many times he caught your bedroom empty and windows opened during unholy hours of the night. He didn’t question it then.

Dustin peered behind you and saw Eddie leaning on the bar where you sat earlier. His lips curved in what looked to be an apologetic smile. Upon seeing Dustin’s  face, he let out a two finger salute. 

Eddie had thought of the many ways he’d let the secret loose on your little brother but this was not one of the ideal scenarios. Somehow, he felt bad for the way it turned out but glad that the cat’s out of the bag. 

Dustin sighs and nods. 

“Good.” You take off his cap and shuffle his curly hair, earning a groan. “Be home by 10.”

“Eleven.” He bargained, sizing up to you.

Considering tonight’s events, you thought of letting him off easy. 

“And lunch is on you for a month.” 

“No.” 

“Two months.” 

“No.”

“A week.”

“Fine.”

With that, they hurried out of the bar, pushing one another to get out as fast as they could. You could hear them talk amongst themselves as they ran out. 

“Holy shit, Eddie’s dating your sister.”

“Holy shit, Eddie’s dating my sister.”

“Wait, does that mean she’s the hot girlfriend Eddie was talking about.”

The gushing drowned out and you face Eddie who was sipping at his canned beer. 

“We scarred him.” He chuckled. “I’m never gonna hear the end of this.”

“You talk about me?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know, is that bad?”

You nodded as you caged him with your arms at either side of the counter. 

“Looks like you got it bad, Munson.” 

You catch his lips with yours, slick with a tinge of bitterness from the beer but it drowns in the sweet taste of Eddie’s soft lips. His bottom lip caught in between your teeth as he let out a groan, hands smoothing over the arch of your back. 

Like no one was watching, you guide Eddie’s hands further past what is considered appropriate in a public setting.

He jerks his hand away while looking around, checking for any watchful eyes as the scene unfolded. You cup his cheek and put his hand back on the curve of your ass, skirt starting to ride up your leg once more as you spread them slightly to make way for Eddie in between.

“I have to go back on stage in five.” He whispers, hot breath fanning your face. 

“Then, I guess we’d have to be quick.”

You don’t know how you’ll face your brother over breakfast tomorrow like nothing happened the night before. But you let the thoughts of tomorrow fly over your head as you were already pulling Eddie to one of the empty bathroom stalls. 

masterlist

a/n: haha omg i was washing the dishes when i thought of this. when i tell you i stopped my chores to write this asap. i'd forget in a second if i didn't <3

[ambroseias]

hyulari . female . she/her ━━ 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳? mai khanh “melee” nguyen  signed the contract to 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘶𝘳𝘴. you’ll find the twenty year old bassist arriving the venue in their vw bug. i heard the duchess member can be combative at times but can also be enigmatic once you get to know them which is why melee often reminds me of a cracked phone screen, an always tuned electric guitar, and fingernails chewed to a quick. plus, weren’t they on the front page of a magazine because they were constantly subtweeting anyone who disses the band? although, rumor has it that they worked on a solo ep without the rest of their band knowing. fingers crossed the tabloids don’t find out!

hi! i’m doing my best to write up an intro, but things are hard, you know? anyways, meet melee or mai-- all-round mess, mom friend and bass guitarist extraordinaire.  

LIKE THIS POST n I’LL SLIDE INTO UR DMS for PLOTTING.

music >>> anything, that’s the rule. 

she was born in cali.

she was a single child until her little sister came along. at least, that’s how she puts it. how else do you account for a sibling that shows up when you’re in your first year of high school? is she hella guilty that she left her home to play in the duchess and, thus, didn’t really get to partake in her younger sibling’s life? yes. would she change anything? no. 

she grew up with really nothing. her parents ran a korean grocery (it’s vietnamese, because we’re vietnamese! her mom always said, but if you looked at the brands-- it was korean) and so she did her best to help out where she could. 

but, when she was eight, for her birthday, she got someone’s hand-me-down guitar-- and it was over. 

i suppose you could call her a prodigy? but it’s more like she played that too-big guitar every waking moment, knowing that this was what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. 

while even then the sight of her onstage was... magnetic, it was safe to say that her stage presence was a little chaotic. at one of her performances, got her the name melee and, with her habit for getting into squabbles with nearly everyone she came into contact with, the nickname stuck. 

for years, really, just as a kid, she hustled. played guitar and sang at every local event she could find. and, eventually, she switched from a standard electric to the bass and she uploaded guitar covers to youtube. they’re still up there-- a testament to her early promise n talent-- but they never really became viral or anything.

ig this is where the rest of the members got in contact with her but also i mean ??? who knows ??? you know??? 

so yeah. music >>> anything. but now that she’s in the duchess, that also means the band >>> anything. right?

outside the band, her personal relationships have always been a little shaky. she’s still young and kinda naive, but she also refuses to acknowledge that and has a tendency to leap before she looks. combine this with being very protective of the group and the possibility that she’s still-- not so sure if the newest addition to it is what’s going to be best, and you really have a garbage fire. she’s very touchy about perceived slights against the band. 

she’s not managed to get into a fistfight yet, but she’s never minced words when it comes to how she feels. subtweeting is her passion, apparently. 

but... if u actually get close? she’d lay her life on the line for you.  music >>> anything, but sometimes it gets in the way of her emotional wellbeing and growth. maybe she’ll learn to put herself and her needs first. 

then again, this is melee we’re talking about. 

PERSONALITY –

[ + ] generous, loyal, charismatic, enigmatic, talented, hard-working, witty, caring, entrepreneurial, melodramatic. 

[ - ] mercurial, attention-seeking, short-sighted, naive, guarded, obsessive, reckless, combative, 

-

EXTRA

her parents ran a vietnamese (broadly asian) grocery and that’s how she grew up, sipping on yakult, sitting quietly behind a counter, head on his hand, watching people push their rusty shopping carts through the narrow aisles of cans.

there’s a joyless moment when you’re behind the counter—you see all the people passing by and you catch glimpses of their lives. but you never really get to partake in it. and, even though you know exactly what aisle and what shelf, they can find their favorite brand of yakisoba, you never really get a chance to do more than ask if they liked it.

and i suppose. she always longed for it. to have something real, for once. to live a life where he wasn’t just living on the sidelines.

-

her parents said it once. cried about it. they didn’t want her to know, but she was just behind the corner where they couldn’t see her.

“she wants to leave, you know,“ her mother said, rubbing the back of her neck, “but i don’t think she’s ready.”

her father sighed, “come on, linh. ready or not, we’re not going to be able to stop her. we’re just going to be here for her when she falls.“

when. not if. her mother teared up and mai shook her head. they were wrong to worry, to doubt her. they were all wrong. 

she would show them. 

WANTED PLOTS + CONNECTIONS

someone who really knew her before she was famous. bonus points if they had a falling out and this is them reconnecting. (messyyyy)

someone she’s teaching the guitar/has taught the guitar (and bc i love angst... has used the power of their guitar talent against her)

a frenenemy

her “in” with the industry

i really kinda want melee to be ‘discovered’ like u saw a video of her or witnessed her performing early on and u were like... look. i think u can make it. here’s my phone number. idk if u were actively involved in her life or not, but just the concept. 

a bad influence

someone has convinced her that she might be better solo. was this you? she regrets recording the ep... but also... there were some cuts on there-- that weren’t trash. 

someone who is telling her to act up for the cameras / knows that she has a easy trigger and will go off. 

a mentor

someone she looks up to as they try to navigate through this messy world together. 

a mentee

she thinks she can take you under her wing. she’s wrong, ofc, her life is spiraling out of control. 

a band enemy !!! this is absolutely something i want !!!! someone who hates her band just to hate the band !! and the two of u will bicker all the time. 

a crush (either someone having a crush on her or vice versa. she’s naive to the world in general so she might be really stupidly Oblivious.)

look !!! anything !!! i want the world !!!

[the-shy-fa]

Odd's for the newest ask game

All 25 of them??? All right but if I get bored I’m just like. Stopping wherever I get to.

1. Do you have a goal weight?

Not really because I’m not actively gaining at the moment. But I mean... 300 always sounds nice...

3. Where do you jiggle most?

Belly for sure, although my thighs are definitely really soft and wobbly if you shake them, and my moobs and butt can shake a bit too. 

5. Do you have stretch marks?

Yeah like, all over haha. Though I’ve noticed they’re fading a fair bit lately.

7. Do you find it easy to gain weight?

Generally, but for the most part I keep rebounding weight I lost due to lifestyle changes until I’m in the 250-260 range. I haven’t tried to go over that by much so idk if I’d find it easy or not... but like, just upping the amount of rich food I eat seems to put on like 5+ pounds every year around the holidays without even really trying...

9. Do you enjoy a stuffed belly, or just wish it was fat?

Of the two I definitely prefer being fat if I was like, choosing? Getting super stuffed usually pulls me out of a sexy mood unless I have someone to rub my tummy and generally have fun with my condition.

11. Favourite cuisine?

Probably a toss-up between Japanese and American-Italian.

13. Do you eat because you love gaining or gain because you love eating?

Mostly the latter tbh. When I had a feeder I’d push myself to gain a bit for them but mostly I’m this fat cause of how much I love food and can’t resist seconds or thirds at dinner, plus dessert after.

15. Do you want to be funnel fed?

My only moderately successful post is about how much I fucking loved being funnel fed so heck yeah.

17. Do you prefer a skinny feeder or a fat feeder?

Fat feeders are where it’s at! Although honestly I’m pretty flexible and contrast can be really sexy... I just tend to be more attracted to fat folks.

19. Do you like to be on top?

Hmmm honestly depends on my mood? But probably I like bottom more on average.

21. Into public displays of feedism?

As a fantasy, sure, but IRL... I mean I won’t say “don’t drag passersby into your fetish play” if all you’re doing is eating a lot, but I think I would be too uncomfortable to be turned on unless it was very specific circumstances.

23. Would you rather be worshipped or teased?

Teasing is one of my favorites (I mean provided it’s from a caring place etc), telling me how big I’m getting, how my clothes are getting tight... 

That said IDK about worshipped exactly but I really like being praised too.

25. Do you enjoy strangers reacting to your size?

Not really. Certainly not in public? If it’s something like “a person I don’t know who but they’re coming at it from an FA perspective” that’s different, but I don’t really love comments on my size outside of a kinky context.

27. Do you wish you were fatter already, or is it all about the gain?

Gaining is a lot of fun, so I think I’d rather gain my way up. Unless I could be significantly fatter with all my health and mobility exactly as they are now? That would be pretty good.

29. Most underrated fat body part?

Fat upper arms are adorable and great... but honestly I’m not sure anything goes underappreciated in this community haha.

31. Sweet or savoury?

C-can I have them both together? Like duck with a berry sauce or something?

But I guess generally savory, because it doesn’t wear out its welcome as fast (although I do have a major sweet tooth).

33. Even gain or disproportionately fat?

On myself I think an even gain would be best... though if I could plump up my ass a bit more I totally would.

35. Active fatty or lazy fatty?

Lazy fatty! Or like, low activity? Like, let’s go for walks in nature, not let’s go play field hockey for 2 hours.

37. What is something that surprised you about gaining weight?

How crazy my appetite gets if I’ve been really trying to gain... I feel like my capacity shifts pretty easily if I’m semi-consistent about eating more/less. For a bit there I was having fast food after work then coming home and eating dinner not long after and was just as hungry as if I hadn’t eaten since lunch :$. 

39. Have you ever burst out of your clothes? 

Nope, just some intentional button pops and some ripped thigh seams from bending the wrong way.

41. Has your gain brought any new struggles?

I mean, all the money I spent on fast food in 37... also having to move up to size 42 pants... then having those get tight... Also not as fond of stairs as I used to be for sure.

43. Being tied up while fed?

Yes please!

45. Are you into bloating?

It’s not a major kink for me but I’ve done it once or twice and it can be fun. I’m a little impatient with it though, and I feel like I’d want to read up on safety before doing anything more extreme than “drink a bunch of soda.”

47. How messy are you?

Fairly messy tbh. I mean in generally I’m a messy person and I get really excited about food so I can be a somewhat messy eater even without really trying to be. I have like the most stupidly sensitive skin though so even though I kind of like slobby stuff I can’t like sit around with bbq sauce on my face or the skin will be all irritated.

49. If you are what you eat, what have you been eating?

Ice cream! Not the best timing for this question what with the weather turning and all...

Um... I’ve been eating a lot of beef lately? Maybe I could be a nice melt-proof cow instead?

[organic-sprolden]

Episode 3 is called summer nights and I'm gonna be so mad if they don't have summer nights from grease playing at some point.

why is this girl blowing off every tradition?? like girl stop it

Jeremiah and Steven are the best

Conrad has done nothing but piss me off this whole show....does he ever get redeemed or-

stop it Taylor youre not the main character ✋ come back the summer you turn pretty

Every time I see someone playing chicken in a pool I have the mental image of them falling and cracking their skull like a walnut on the side of the pool.

Nicole is still so judgy I already know shes gonna influence Belly a lot and then Taylor will be mad at her and ughh

"I care": An autobiography on letting everyone down and generally being a sucky person. By Conrad Fisher

Conrad always looks so grossly offended anytime someone speaks to him... dude u good?

Cam... it's fine to mind kissing someone with—hypothetical—dead animal lips.

hmm a high school house party in a teen drama.... this will be fun

Taylor, gloomily lurking around the party and overhearing/seeing things that she very likely will use as ammo at some point. i beg this show to prove me wrong because I could sniff out her plotline from the beginning.

for some reason I thought this show would be anti-cliche and like, idk generally less wattpad-y... not exactly /pos but also very much not /neg...

yo why is taylor and steven walking away all suspicious

I WAS RIGHT

THEY SANG SUMMER NIGHTSSS (please acknowledge that i type these posts while i watch the episode, i went in completely blind 😭)

Jere and Cam yesyesyes i love most of the friendships in this show...

oh mY

this is the part of the wattpad book where the mc's best friend makes out with her brother and then the mc runs off and does something stupidly reckless, usually with a love interest or the guy she's supposed to avoid... i am so scared to press play rn

you can never escape the 3 years of wattpad

im so mad and taylor and steven rn

shaYLA IS RIGHT THERE DAMN YOU STEVEN AND YOUR STUPID IMPULSES OR WHATEVER DROVE YOU TO DO THAT. also, the dummy just ran away. coward.

taylor. taylor.

HOW did she go from being caught making out with her "best friend"'s brother to accusing Belly of being self-absorbed??? WHERE was the logic, can some Taylor apologist please guide me to it. I called it since the start, Taylor has issues with control and power, before this summer she was "the pretty one" in the friendship so she had more friends, relationships probably, etc. so she could push Belly as much as she wanted basically. Now that Belly got a glowup shes insecure and jealous at how much Belly is getting (attention, validation, friends) and is now trying to find a way to blame Belly for her own sucky attitude. A good friend would be happy for her, or at least if they were jealous, talk about it or not do anything so drastic.

mini essay rant over.

Messy characters list (updated):

Conrad

Nicole i think i like her now, she just needs to get off Conrad so much

Taylor

Steven (temp spot depending on how he responds to this situation.)

girl idc if it was for you or not, why you snooping in this man's drawer 🧐🧐

ew ew ew no you're over him. you don't travel endlessly around curves for a guy you're over.

why is she delaying asking Cam to the ball for so longggg

we already know that if she doesn't ask soon, Jeremiah will.

Jere is so free and i love that for him. Man is enjoying his summer even with everyone around him being dramatic

Cleveland is such a cool guy aww

*rubs nose bridge* sighh Steven...

"[Shayla's] used to guys who treat her like a queen" boy that could be you but you playinggg

Why is he trying to hide what happened from her like if that makes it go away. and why is he turning his mistake into being insecure and not good enough for Shayla. No. he's just trying to convince himself that's why he did it, sitting in his own sorrow being all "i can never be good enough for her so lemme just CHEAT ON HER"

the way he's basically saying that it's Shayla's fault because she "probably won't accept him cuz he isn't rich" nonono.

Girl what.

you "wished for Conrad"? Isn't that like...REALLY STUPIDLY INSANE??? You said you were over him literally 1 episode ago, and saw him a grand total of like 4 times since then, in all of which he was a jerk to you.

somebody come get her, she's getting dumber everyday.

ohh i knew Susannah was hiding something...and in the montage in ep1 she had the scarf around her head so i figured she'd had cancer at some point. didn't know she still did...

anyways, what are we betting that the kids will all find out before she wants to tell them and then they get mad at her for hiding it and all 4 kids sit together on the beach or something, putting aside the personal drama and just being the 4 of them for a while as the grieve and come to terms with it?

I'll bet my entire piggy bank.

I never know how to end these posts... my apologies for typos and don't forget to #likecommentandsubscribetomychannel 🤪

started watching 'the summer I turned pretty'

episode 1 thoughts

glowups are so cool I want one

I love Jeremiah, Stephen, Cam and Belly so far

Conrad probably has a really deep emotional backstory but rn I can't help but laugh everytime he speaks. Although the part where he tucks in his mom is adorable.

also, the boys' mom is hiding something, right?

is the entire soundtrack just Taylor swift and Olivia Rodrigo cuz I have heard nothing else /hj

everyone is making stupid decisions but like, ofc they are.

Jeremiah my sweet comic relief character.

wow the debutante ball totally isn't gonna be an issue later on.

conrad's emo era xxx

I refuse to believe she's 15. stop stop stop.

[yumikat]

angel wings tutorial

i’d first like to clarify that i sourced a lot of what i did from this post right here, but i’m just adding my stuff so y’all can see a few diff ways to do it. 

anyway. it’s going to be noah’s ark day on wednesday’s dress up day at my summer camp, and since i’m super extra, i decided to be a dove. but it didn’t look like a dove and my bro said i looked more like a rain angel so i guess i’m that now. 

i’m getting off track. i’ll probably do this twenty more times because i tend to ramble, which isn’t good for tutorials but whatever. 

this is pretty much what they look like finished? i couldn’t get a good photo so if i take a better one on wednesday i’ll replace it. 

anyway this is already getting long so tutorial under the cut.

i got me some feathers from walmart, i think it was 12 or 16 gauge wire but anything sturdy will work, felt (again from walmart), and some strips of cloth i cut from this bag my dad destroyed. 

i realized partway through taking process pictures that i should have taken them in landscape so bear with me. 

you’ll want your felt, feathers, and cloth to be the same colour. it’ll make your life easier. 

i also used a lot of hot glue.

okay okay so hear me out. you will probably want to buy 5 packages of feathers because just a few is probably not enough, right? well you see how big my wings are? like i mean they’re not that big but still. i covered both sides with one and maybe a bit of the second package. 

it’s honestly stupid how many feathers they put in that package. now i have 4 1/2 freaking bags of feathers. what the heck. i could make 50 wings.

i would estimate maybe 1 package to a double-sided square foot of fabric? and buy an extra package just in case. but it also might be more and you might want to use better quality ones that actually have feathers that look like flight feathers rather than this downy crap. 

anyway. 

i bent my wire into the general idea of where the bone would be to give the wing some structure. as a general guideline, there should be 2 joints, the “elbow” and the “wrist” of the bird, but they’re a lot closer to the shoulder (?) than on a human. if we had bird limbs we would have tiny arms and terrifyingly long fingers. 

then you just get out your felt-y stuff and you cut that ish up right after you trace a bit of a shape you want based on the “skeleton” you just made. apparently doves have stupidly shaped wings that only go up, but most birds will have a cooler shape, or you could make your own, i guess. i swear my punctuation is actually better this is just how i type informally because talking in tumblr tags has screwed me over.

okay okay time to concentrate for a while and not ramble. i swear i can concentrate for more than a paragraph. 

so yeah. it’s cut up. now apparently the only way to attack wire to a piece of cloth or the like is with another strip of cloth, since hot glue won’t adhere it. it’ll just kinda fall off? so you take those strips of cloth you just cut and throw it on top of the hot glue you drizzled over that wire. 

it can look ugly because no one gives are crap. you’re covering this with feathers. 

once that’s finished, start gluing on feathers. doves seems to have 3 major layers of feathers and i’m guessing that most birds do too, so kinda try to emulate that. doesn’t have to actually be 3, but idk. just have layers, dude. 

start with the outermost layer, furthest from the bones. this will make it so you don’t have stupid looking feather ends on the top. instead, they’ll be hidden under - surprise - more feathers. there were a lot of feathers did i mention that?

so a note on this. i tried placing all the feathers down and then putting glue behind them and while it worked, it was super messy and i had fluff all over my hot glue gun. i would suggest just laying down a line of hot glue and slapping your feather on that. pat it a few times to make sure it stays, maybe. make sure you don’t burn your fingers, but i did that about 20 times and i’m fine. 

also, as with any time you’re doing something new, start with the side that no one cares about. in this case, it’ll be the side that will be facing your back. i mean, maybe you’re making your wings stick straight out of your back and there is no semi-hidden side, in which case, that’s fine but one side will probably be uglier, just so you know. 

i also used a lot more hot glue than i thought i would. i think i went through maybe 5 or 6 sticks on the feathers alone? so yeah #1 the wings were a lot heavier than they looked because of the glue and #2 go buy yourself an extra pack just in case.

anyway. continue layering those feathers. when you get to the top, kind of lay them in the direction of the “bone”, from inside to outside. it’ll make it look more natural and also cover up those ugly feather stem things. 

then, kind of bend the wing to make it look more like a wing???

yeah. 

you’ll notice that i left a bit of extra wire. i should have left more but no one cares. that will help with making the harness the way i made it, which was the stupidest way possible. 

so i took some cardboard from the back of a construction paper package, a t-back bra or whatever they’re called, and, lo and behold, some more wire, cloth, and hot glue. if you’re not stupid like me and make the two wings with one wire that connects in the middle, you won’t need more wire and hot glue. maybe. 

so yeah, i just took that piece of cardboard and folded it half and hot glued that together, then cut it into the shape of the t-back. which was kind of unnecessary because i ended up making a rectangle but no one cares. 

however, you will probably want a thinner part the width of the space you want in the middle so you can fold it over like i did. don’t be stupid and put the glue far away from the the connecting wires. instead, maybe put some hot glue and cloth over the wire and make sure it’s secure before gluing the rest. it’ll make it. less wobbly than mine. alternatively, you can bend the wire a bit so it won’t turn. 

anyway i ended up glueing the two flaps down too and adding wire and cloth along cardboard brace and “bone” of the actual wings on both sides of each wing to make sure they didn’t move around. 

like that, if that makes sense. just add feathers on top if you cover yours because wow i had a lot of feathers and nothing to do with them. 

then, after a lot of guesstimation, i cut two slits in my shirt. it’s a summer camp for kids so i couldn’t just wear a tank top, which would have been a lot easier. dress code, y’know. 

okay, i didn’t take any pictures of this part cause it’s kinda weird, but basically, i used a t-back because it’s easier to clip it together in the front than in the back, since that way your wings won’t fall out. they’ll be kind of stuck in the arm-hole things. you just put them through the straps of the bra, then through the slits in the shirt. 

the slits will probably be too close together to put both wings through easily, so what i did was i just basically shoved most of the entire shebang through one slit, all the way until it was far enough to reach the other one. idk if that makes sense because i forgot to take pictures. you can ask for clarifications if needed.

yeah. then you struggle to put it on without breaking your face and go forth into the world. 

congrats. you have wings now, i guess. 

i should have made this more concise i’m so sorry.

[dustandthunder]

Haven’t been on here in forever !

I’m back at uni now (20/09/19), I moved back last Friday and so far it’s been absolutely amazing. My room is the nicest ever I love it so much, my housemates are the best and everything is going so good so far !

Mom came down with me on the train on Friday, I got no sleep because we had to leave the house at half three in the morning to get a bus to town to get the 5:30 train. It was quite stressful because my railcard has expired and I didn’t realise so I had to buy a new one on the train and I felt really sick for some reason , but we saw an amazing sunrise and it was pretty fun to go with mom.

We had a great day, went for breakfast, did a grocery shop, walked round town, did my room ... it was so fun ! Mom paid for my first grocery shop which was really nice!

Other than that I’ve been out a few times for freshers, I’ve sort of been working on a basis of one night out, one night in. So I went out on Saturday night which was my first time in academi as I never went last year, and that was pretty fun I actually had a great time! Gen and I made friends with this group of gay guys who were really funny and cool, and one does geography and he gave me his number if I need help !! I also saw sash and Ollie from hockey and then this guy off my course who I have seen before but I hadn’t got a fuckin clue what he was called, I did ask his name but I didn’t hear it and I didn’t want to ask again hahaha. I danced with him and his mate for ages- he asked me where I was living about 5 times it was so funny, and he kept talking into my ear and I was just going along with it cause I couldn’t tell what he was on about Hahahha. He was cool though ! Then he went to the loo so I ran back outside to find Glenn cause my phone was dying, and then we went home I think. It was so sick! Then Monday was a messy one hahaha, I was more drunk than I’ve ever been and truly I don’t remember half of it. Like I wasn’t black out awful drunk but like I woke up and didn’t remember bits of the night. We stayed in the house and played card games and drinking games, then we went to BV for a round and some shots , then we went to rascals and I had this green drink and I don’t even know what it was cause I never buy my own drinks so I just take what Gina gives me hahaha (not like in a scabby way, I wouldn’t ever expect or even ask my friends to buy my drinks for me) so that was that.... then we went to academi and truly I do not remember being in academi at all. I remember leaving and I saw AJ from hockey and I didn’t remember this but he told me later that apparently I was just making Brooklyn 99 references hahahahaha oh my gosh that proper made me laugh when he told me that. Anyway I was crying really bad on the way home cause I really was missing Matt and I called him and he thought someone had done something to me so he was going to drive here yikes but it was ok I told him I was just sad and he stayed on the phone for ages while we wakes home. Gina wasn’t too drunk but joe was plastered unbelievably because he was quite sad cause his girlfriend cheated on him over summer and I think he’s still pretty upset about it. So he couldn’t even walk, turns out he didn’t even get into academi cause he couldn’t stand up, so he just came home with Gina and I. Gina went into the takeaway to get food which I don’t remember, and two people who I don’t know were holding joe up, but I just remember him lying on the pavement throwing up. It wasn’t good. And then I sort of ran off down the street cause I really needed a wee and I was talking to matt and Gina was yelling at me like a dog to stay put Hahahahah . Anyway we managed to get home- I throw up which I remember was VILE cause I’d just eaten chips (actually I had only eaten chips that day) and they basically came up whole . It felt absolutely vile. I did take all my makeup off though ! Joe slept in Gina’s bed and she slept on the floor. I woke up and I didn’t feel so bad, like I didn’t throw up or have a bad hangover or anything. Regardless, I am never doing that again. I know people always say that but I actually mean it 100%. Anyway I was supposed to have a hockey training session on Tuesday at 3:30 and as time was creeping on I started to feel a bit dodgy and I wasn’t sure whether to go cause I thought this is either gonna kill me off or make me feel loads better. I did go in the end and it made me feel better and I was totally fine afterwards so I was happy I went !!! It was so sunny as well, and I stupidly wore a thick long sleeved top . It was funny we were doing this drill and I kept hitting the ball into Lewis’ feet pretty hard so he was hobbling hahahaha and then he pulled a muscle so all in all it wasn’t great for him. Oh as well he’s best mates with patrick in my house which is sick cause I think Lewis is sound so if he’s round ours it’ll be cool :)

Tuesday was obviously a night in , which was needed and appreciated !

Wednesday was amazing .... Gina has gone to Llandudno with Sean all day so me, Glenn, joe, Michael, and Alex went to serendipity which is the student fair where you sign up to all the socs and clubs . We went at like 11 in the morning and it was such a good day ! We walked round and got fuck tons of free shit, I got a slice of pizza (although I gave it to Glenn as I don’t like pizza lol) a subway cookie and a load of subway vouchers, a canvas bag, a pen a wall calendar which I was sooooo happy about, a coaster, some post its, Morrison’s vouchers, free teabags, 4 booklets of spoons vouchers, a free smoothie, a free burger ... it was so good. I signed up to hockey obvs and ask mountain walking as mom wants me to do and I was going to go last year but it clashes with hockey a bit and I didn’t know anyone else. Turns out joe did it last year, and Michaels doing It this year so I’ll defo go !!! Then we went outside and played with the lacrosse stuff (Glenn does lacrosse) and we were just lobbing the balls at the goal, but they kept smacking the halls windows hahahaj, then there was a strip of Astro and a crazy catch for hockey and a couple of the lads were there like lyells, dyson, AJ etc so I was doing that do ages. It was sooooook much fun the sun was baking and I was wearing such a nice outfit and everything was sick !

All the hockey girls were asking if I’d go to social that night so I did end up going. I met holly and Maggs at BV and then we walked down to varsity with this old girl called Sam .

Social was actually ok ! I just had a pint of cider black currant which was ok and it was only 1.50 which was good cause I lit took 5£ with me out Hahahah. We played drinking games but they were the nicer ones they so it was fine. Then we went to harp for shots at 11:15 but I didn’t have one ‘cause hell no lol then we went i academi again, although it was absolutely dead in there. I danced for a bit then went outside and sat with Eleanor and the others outside for a bit. There was a really funny fight / argument where this girl was saying ‘I’m not wasting my time on you’ to this lad and then idk what next but she just yelled ‘your jackets from a charity shop!’ And it was so fucking funny cause he was so angry he was like ‘this jacket was £340’ loooooool .

Anyway I left a while after and just walked home cause I had a headache and my phone was on 6% so I just called Matt and went home, was so so lovely to have a relatively early nice still , I was in bed weeeellllll before 1am . Yum .

Then yesterday was sick too, it was the freshers hockey taster session . I wasn’t like ‘supposed’ to go but I went along anyway cause it was a peng day again and i has nothing better to do so I headed over. It was cool I just stood with Eleanor and AJ coaching and I joined in with some of the drills and Lydia and I passed it around a bit so it was really fun !!! Baking though!! Luckily I’d frozen a litre bottle of water the other day so I took that.

Joe and I made dinner together as Gina was at a law dinner, so we were just chatting and that, and then I was on FaceTime to Matt until like getting on for 1 . We were talking about how we’d treat our kids like in terms of differences between a boy and girl and we had a massive conversation about it all. Matts quite traditional because that’s his upbringing so he said he’d be more in line to be stricter on a daughter with going and stuff because of the risks, and I said my whole Spiel about I wouldn’t tell my daughter to put more clothes on to go out because that’s like saying it’s her fault or she’s asking for it when I don’t agree with that and that is be more likely to be stricter on my son with stuff like u know absolutely do not touch a girl without consent, don’t spike drinks, don’t harass girls etc so stuff that seems obvious but I feel like isn’t drilled into boys enough... so we had such a lib conversation and it turned into all the worldly social issues. I like those conversations because whilst often I do not agree with matts view it’s good to talk about it, and much as I’m not trying to always make him agree with me, i do like to try and get him to see things more radically and then understand where I’m coming from (because not being funny but i do truly think I’m right) and it does make me pleased when he shifts his stance slightly because he’s seen things from a different perspective - esp because I’m a girl and he isn’t . It was actually such a good thing to do, esp cause I am really passionate (if u will) about stuff like that. I almost with I’d recorded it to listen back lol .

Anyway we’re all going out today to acid lakes- should be amazing since the weathers good and everyone’s sound. Updates to follow xoxox

[sapphicluxanna]

1-100 pls 🌹💕

BABE. oh my god. okay here we go, it’s gonna be long!!

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal than milk I think?

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? I love winter and everything about it, I’d rather be cold than hot 

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? post it notes, receipts, I’ve used flowers a few times, really anything that’s in reach

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? tea with a little bit of milk and honey, coffee depends on the day? typically with a lil bit of vanilla creamer. when I make my ‘fancy’ coffee at home with frothy milk on top I always top them off with a dusting of cinnamon 

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? always

6: do you keep plants? ye! I have a succulent/cacti terrarium, some sunflowers, jasmine, african violets, tomato plants, hanging planters, and a few more I forget the names of!

7: do you name your plants? not the ones I have currently

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? I love ink. I haven't been able to paint with ink in a while, but the movement of that and watercolor are just.. freeing? I dunno how to explain it.  that and drawing using ink, every mark you make is permanent and I just kinda zone out when doing it

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? aight listen. my future s/o is gonna have to deal with this a lot. shower? singing. car ride? singing. cooking? singing. y'all aint getting a break even if I sound like a dying cat

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? primarily side and stomach!

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? I cant think of many at the moment but uhhhh. hmm. a few guys and I play a game together and I run the group (in rdr2), and we don't let people join it if their horse’s tail isn't braided so we’ll hunt them down and kill them instead

12: what’s your favorite planet? neptune looks beautiful

13: what’s something that made you smile today? the fact that you wanted to know more about me

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? lots and lots of plants, kinda modern, a few fish tanks, smells like lavender and coffee

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! mars has the biggest known volcano!

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? stupidly basic, but chicken parmesan 

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? I’ve always wanted to impulsively dye it some shade of blue just for a few weeks

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. I got ridiculously drunk off tequila at a house party and was given my first mojito, thought he picked leaves off the tree out back and threw them in so I dug them out and threw them around the yard in disgust. I have a very vague memory of this but they always give me crap for it

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I have a couple! one is my bujo where I keep lists of things like self care ideas, favorite movies and books, quotes, friend stuff, etc. another I use to draw in and like to recreate van gogh sketches, others are private 

20: what’s your favorite eye color? y'all ever really see brown eyes? oof

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. I don't have this?

22: are you a morning person? I could be if I woke up next to the right person

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? netflix binging, reading, aquarium shopping, walks with my dog in the woods, making stupid pancakes, and league with a babe

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? it takes time for me to trust people, so probably all my life at some point with a girl. as for family? no

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? I’ve locked myself outta my place a few times and had to go through the window

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? several pairs of sandals and slides!

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? just regular mint?

28: sunrise or sunset? watching the sunset on a blanket in the grass with a girl I care about 

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? her voice gets a lil louder and she talks fast when she's excited about something and its flipping adorable

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yes. 

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I love fluffy socks and patterned socks and ones with dinosaurs and stuff and I love socks so much, don't sleep in them though

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. we played a drinking game based off how we did in a split screen game, one drink for every kill, got v drunk that night 

33: what’s your fave pastry? I love baclava but I’m horribly allergic to walnuts

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? I still have it! my dad went down to south carolina a lot and I was, and still am, very much in love with alligators. I think I was six or something but he came home with this giant garbage bag and was moving it like there was an animal inside and when I opened it, it was a giant stuffed alligator. he's currently sitting on my bed, but seems a lot smaller now

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? I really wanna get into using thicker paper for letters with pressed wax seals and pressed flowers 

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? I don’t really focus on individual bands too much tbh, I bounce around a lot within genres. anything happy and country atm

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? I’m tryna keep it cleaner, better habit to make myself get into 

38: tell us about your pet peeves! people smoking around me (I don't care that you smoke whatever, I just ask you don't do it around me bc it makes me feel sick), a group of people that takes up the whole sidewalk going incredibly slow, people that cut me off in traffic without turn signals, people who f around in the tsa line and don't get ready then stand there for ten minutes taking everything off for the scanner and hold us up, “there” and “their” and “they’re” misuses, etc. jeez, didn't realize I had so many and that's not even all of them

39: what color do you wear the most? blue?

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I love my claddagh ring, my mom and sister both have the same one and we all match. currently not wearing it bc it was like 100 degrees F then other day and it burned my finger?????

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? asoiaf!!!!

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! I like this lil coffee shop about half an hour away, every drink has an individual and funny name and the workers are nice 

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? I honestly can’t remember, but I could really go for this right now

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? uhhhh it’s been a bit? lotta stressors recently 

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? I try to, should've listened to them regarding some stuff and I didn’t 

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. what do you call a blind dinosaur? a do-you-think-he-saurus.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? broccoli

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? santa and the dark, no on both accounts now 

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? no, I just use apple music 

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? I dunno about odd, but I keep seashells and shark teeth I find on beaches 

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? somebody to love

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? uhhhh I’m bad at keeping up with when these come out but probably the “wait was anyone going to tell me ___ or was I supposed to find out in this ___”

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? I haven't seen these sorry!

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? my dad

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? I honestly cannot think of this right now

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? when they get excited about something, when their eyes sparkle a bit in sunlight, when they’re touchy (only certain ones), compassion, weird hobbies and interests, etc

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? it’s an experience. listen with headphones on high or don't listen to it at all

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? I guess I’d be the wine mom bc I don't drink heavily too often with my friends cause I’m usually the dd, vodka aunt would go to my friend S cause hell she puts that shit away fast

59: what’s your favorite myth? I love greek mythology

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? sappho

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? a lil cat bank that grabs a coin with its paw and drags it into the box and a potato, respectively 

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? not usually

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? I kept all of my books on a shelf before the move but idk what imma do with them now bc I have no room for a bookcase so they're kinda messy rn

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? pale blue and cloudy

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? a friend who moved away a few years ago, I miss her 

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? oooooh. hmm. lots of blues and pinks and purples with lil twisty brown vines?

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? I love them, 10/10, perfect. 

68: what’s winter like where you live? we either get 3 feet of snow overnight or a dusting, there’s no in between

69: what are your favorite board games? I cant remember the last time I played a board game??? I liked the game of life and monopoly when I was a kid 

70: have you ever used a ouija board? nope

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? whatever happens to be in the cabinet!

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? I have the memory of a goldfish

73: what are some of your worst habits? letting people get away with things they've done to me, being too lenient with people that make me uncomfortable, etc

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. they’re such a good friend and we have enough years built into our friendship that we can go a few weeks without talking and be right where we left off. they’re kind and caring and ready to help people when they need it 

75: tell us about your pets! my cat is an 8 year old lil grump, but he gets so freaking affectionate and lovey too. he knows when I’m anxious and will come up and sit on my chest and purr. my dog’s a ball of jumping energy, she's always excited and happy, she’s only 2 so hopefully she’ll mellow out. then my clownfish are flipping adorable even though they try to bite my fingers when I’m working on the aquarium 

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? unpacking and socializing with family

77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink lemonade 

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I don't care about them really, but the facebook minion memes passed around by moms gotta stop

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? one of my exes surprise got me flowers sometimes, while the relationship just didn't work that was a cute action 

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? they’re kinda beige-ish? I just moved here and I don’t wanna repaint them

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. hmm. one of my friends’ eyes are like the leaves on the forest floor, an assortment of greens and browns blended together with the occasional fleck of gold when light filters through the trees

82: are/were you good in school? I’m okay? In high school I was in honor classes and stuff and I've made the deans list a few times in college so far, but honestly I think I’m just average. I have a lot of issues with math and it’s why I couldn't go into one of the fields I was considering. I get overwhelmed quickly

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? tbh I don't look at this kinda stuff but I know kesha’s rainbow was good?

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? ye! I want a small humpback whale on my left inner wrist, they mean a lot to me and I finally got to see one in person just last year. then I have some scars on my thigh I’ve been tossing around the idea of getting a tattoo to cover up, but idk if I would or what I would get 

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? no sorry! I always wanted to when I was younger but I got psyched out by guys who would say they're not for girls who I never took advantage of the comic shop a family friend owns 

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? I dunno what this is and I’m too tired to google it but imma guess its about music? to which I say I’m v bad at keeping up with everyones stuff 

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? the princess bride, star wars, lord of the rings, the sound of music, indiana jones (NOT crystal skull, it sucked), jurassic park, and a lottttt more. 

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? impressionism, post impressionism, and expressionism 

89: are you close to your parents? ish. 

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. I absolutely loved st. malo in france. I need to go back. it’s a giant walled city on the water and it’s just beautiful. I sat and watched an artist on the street for a while and bought two of his paintings afterward, gotta figure out where to hang them in my new bedroom. the air smelled amazing, it rained a lot when I was there but I still loved it and I wish I’d had more time to really explore than I did

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? I wanted to go to sri lanka to see my family but I don’t think it’s gonna happen, but I’ve got my fingers crossed for pennsylvania cause reasons 

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? cheese is life

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? I braid it overnight and wear it down during the day!

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? my dad a few days ago 

95: what are your plans for this weekend? I think I’ve got another family party to go to? feel kinda done with my fam rn though

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? I literally just installed 2 years worth of updates this morning, so yeah, I procrastinate updates quite a bit 

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? idk what the first thing is but the others are scorpio and slytherin!

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? oh wow I can’t remember, but imma say yes? I wanna hike with my dog at some point 

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. somebody to love, la mer, and some others

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the future. I hope that future me is happy and comfy with someone she loves surrounded by their plants, aquariums, pets, and love. 

[winnieruth123]

i have figured it out.

truly, my biggest flaw, is my fear of confrontation. wow. it’s so cowardice :( but it physically hurts me inside, like literally, i always have to take deep breaths when I START imagining myself starting to talk to the person i need to. omgomg.

but it truly is so cowardice. and i don’t want to do that to people i care about. i really am a coward. i wonder if im gonna ever get over it. i actually just want to move away, that’s how cowardice. sooooo cowardice. 

i need a therapist. i been needing a therapist. because these people CHOOSE to listen to and solve people’s problems right? that is the only way i wont feel guilty. they paid money to officially do this.

cus i cant get myself to vent to my friends. i feel a social responsibility of the energy i put out, and i would never want to burden that onto those that i want nothing but the best for. so why would i be a potential additional stressor?

i know, i always want my friends to feel like they could always come to me though right?

-- yes, of course. but, i feel like it’s because i have this in mind. sometimes i feel like we are trained to know that offering an open ear is the right thing to do. but we don’t always mean it. it’s manners. 

but no, cus i dont mean it like that? so your friends probably don’t feel that way too.

but it’s all the time. i’d just be a debby downer. im in a dip in disposition right now. for a while. and I AM okay with that. but my friends wont be. they always wanna solve things, or maybe yeah, they just want to help. --- IDK

okay, but yeah. it’s a dip right now. and it seems to keep dipping :’(

... i said i would right out my feelings about my issues with confrontation so that i could confront them, identify them, and tackle them so that i could get over it and confront the people i need to before it’s like too late. but.... i don’t to confront them. cus like i said before, it physically hurts inside. :( like start panicking. i really need to see a therapist about it but there’s no time :((((( so now whaaaaaaaat!!!

a couple of years ago, my mom told me that my dad was clinically diagnosed with depression. (omg *tears) but, yeah, that was heartbreaking, for multiple reasons which not sure if i want to address right now. but then a couple years later, maybe like last year or so, my dad tells me that my older brother also suffers with depression. and i know all of this hurts my parents, both of them individually so much for different reasons. but anyways, my brother had a dip like a week or two ago, when drunk.

and omg, it’s just me and him watching over my younger brother at home. and...... look at me. look at my past posts for the last 9 months. like *I* need to see a therapist....

and omg, i had a drunken depression episode in front of all my family. everything spilled out of me and i BLATANTLY sputtered the mess that is my mind and insides, also messily, slurring the entire confessional, amidst the matching messy of a bedroom that is exactly the perfect representation of the my insides. things are rotting in there, ants are eating away at some other things hidden corners, month old things sitting on shelves and the floor that should have been taken cared of months before, unfold clothes scattering every area of the room....

and i dont even remember what i confessed and how much. i know it was for hours. all i remember is yelling at a cousin :( and telling my brother that the church is a cult hahahaha. but i remember pouring a lot about the business. but overall, it was all presented very wrongfully, and now no one is going to take whatever i said seriously since it was said so stupidly.

whoever is reading this, since it says i have 1 follower now :(, i hope you dont actually know me. if you do, i sincerely ask that you leave this alone because it’s really meant to be private. i know, why not save in a word document or something? because computers die. the internet doesn’t. whatever, i hate how i feel like i need to explain. but if you dont know me... idk why you follow this meaningless to you blog. #TeamFollowBack ? lol

okay, wow word vomit. still didn’t accomplish the initial goal but... sdfkl.vxcm alrdgfkvmas

******* okay, the account following me is a spam account. whew. but still, if anyone i know stumbles upon this somehow!, please refer to above and be nice and respect my wishes??? idk whatever