#this is all a very pretentious roundabout way to talk about my debilitating social dysphoria

[ghostcrows]

I think about it a lot, I know it's uh not healthy but there's things I envy about the cis male experience that I know in my soul are all of the bad things you shouldn't want because they suck

I guess because if I was cis it would mean I didn't have to claw my way in, it would all just be a given

And I'm talking vaguely but Its also more vague than I can explain, it's not just about being "allowed to like" masculine things, it's not really about violence, though it kind of is...? I don't know how to talk about it but here I am trying. It's not about wanting to be a goddamn misogynist...that's the boring stuff. That's the banality of evil ykwim

It's like the way I envy people's scumbag older brothers as much as I detest them. I guess I see what they're working with and I think, "i could do it so much better than you and still be less of a sack of shit." It's debatable how true this is because I equally see a vision of my cis(het) self as someone detestable...but I just think...you have this power assigned to you, you are treated as a living weapon, I don't want to BE a weapon, I want to stop being a target. If I Had the weapon I'd wield it with precision and grace unlike these dumb fucks with no trigger discipline

But shit I can do that now. I can do that now, it's just hard to think that way, when you're hyper vigilant to the degree that I am. And I have good reason to be. Yk. How can I after what I've seen and what I've come to find my self and my body to represent in this world, ever feel like everyone isn't a little bit out to get me

It's a very specific type of guy too like you know a dozen of them. It's not just any cis guy, it's not even just any cishet guy. It's the guys who just seamlessly integrate into this system, like it was goddamn made for them, and I don't WANT that, I just hate how easy it is for them and how they still go on to just be fucking stupid....like convinced they're at the bottom of the totem pole when they're at the top.

If I'm not making sense. Ok bye