#this is about the tension present in season 5 with the voicemail in mind.

[ghostpajamas]

damocles ; sword perspective

uncropped + detail closeups

[imagining-supernatural]

The Fifth Check-In

Part 23 of Seventy Percent

Series Summary: When you left on your trip to Vegas, you’d planned on letting loose for one last weekend before heading back to reality and getting your affairs in order so your best friend wouldn’t be left cleaning up your mess when your cancer finally ended your life. What you hadn’t counted on was waking up married to a celebrity who has a knight-in-shining-armor complex, connections with an oncologist, and amazing insurance…

Chapter Summary:  You have a panic attack on the day you get another round of test results back

Word Count: 1,744

Warnings: The Magicians season 5 spoilers right off the bat. Skip the first few paragraphs if you don’t wanna be spoiled!!

“Look, all I’m saying is that Quentin should have lived and that was a shitty ending.” After stating your opinion, you sat back in the chair and waited for Brenda to respond.

She finished writing something in a chart and nodded over at you. “But the whole season was kind of culminating to that ending, wasn’t it? Quentin had Eliot right there the whole time, but it wasn’t Eliot. They were so close, but couldn’t be together. Then, when the Monster is finally gone, they still can’t be together.”

“Okay, but sacrificing himself like that? God, Q’s been suicidal his whole life and having him basically commit suicide, but wrapping it up with a nice bow of martyrdom is probably the worst way they could have handled it. This is fucking fantasy. You think the writers could have found a better way to keep the angst and tension of keeping Eliot and Quentin apart rather than, you know, killing the character so many people who struggle with depression can identify with like that. Make one of them stuck in another world. Have one be sent back in time or something.”

Brenda regarded you with narrow eyes, taking in your words.

Conversations like this were the reason she was your favorite nurse in the hospital. Both of you shared interest in so many TV shows that it was an instant connection and she would constantly come fill out charts in your room for the company.

“I hadn’t thought about it like that.”

“Mm, well, I have all the time in the world lately to mindlessly scroll through posts online. I never thought I’d miss being able to go out to, like, bars and shit.”

“Well, once you recover from your surgery in January, you’ll be able to do that again.”

You nodded and absently picked at the hem of your shirt. Mid-January was one month away. Yesterday and this morning you’d been run through the gambit of tests and you’d be meeting with Dr. Chowdhury later today for the results. In the three weeks since Thanksgiving, you’d gotten so weak you could barely walk up a flight of stairs without having to pause in the middle to catch your breath. You hoped to God that meant the treatment was working.

If this treatment wasn’t working, there likely wouldn’t be any reason for you to stay in the clinical trial.

Would there be any reason to stay in New York if that happened? When you’d made the deal with Sebastian to stay married and get treatment, you’d agreed that once the treatment was over, you’d get a divorce. But things had changed, hadn’t they?

Brenda got a page and left the room in a hurry, giving your thoughts more space to multiply.

Had things changed enough?

And if you were kicked out of the clinical trial, was it fair to Sebastian for you to stay? You’d known each other almost exactly three months. That wasn’t enough time to expect someone to endure watching your cancer kill you in the last few weeks of your life.

Of course, you hadn’t even known him a full twenty-four hours before he was offering to fly you to New York, offering his home to you, and offering his medical insurance.

The cry of a child down the hallway drew you from your thoughts enough for you to recognize the beginning of a dark spiral. Without thinking too much of it, you pulled your phone out to call Sebastian. On the first ring, you realized he was probably shooting a scene and wouldn’t be able to answer. On the second ring, you decided to just leave a short voicemail. Nothing too worrying.

And on the third ring, he answered. “Hey, Y/N.”

“Oh, hi. I wasn’t expecting you to answer.”

“You called at a good time. Just finished shooting for the day.”

His voice alone was enough to help lessen the tension that had gathered in your shoulders and you found yourself relaxing further back into the recliner. “Wow, short day. What’re you going to do with all of this free time?”

“Thought I’d grab some food and relax until you called. Did you already meet with Dr. Chowdhury?”

“Not yet.” You shook your head, even though he wouldn’t be able to see you. “I’ve still got another hour and a half ‘til the appointment.”

“You nervous?”

You let out a snort of laughter. “A bit, yeah. And by a bit, I mean I’m overthinking everything way too much right now.”

“Talk to me, baby. What’s on your mind?”

“Besides the ever-present worry that the tests come back bad? I don’t know…”

“Y/N…” he prompted.

Taking a deep breath, you closed your eyes. As if that would make your thoughts easier to bear. “If this treatment isn’t working, what happens then? I-I-I… God, I know I sound like a broken record, but if the results aren’t good, I’m out of options and I can’t help but worry. I mean, what? I go back to Utah and try to make myself accept that I’m going to die? It took me a while to wrap my head around that earlier this year. I don’t know if I can do it as… as peacefully as before. Peacefully isn’t the right word, but I can’t think of it right now. I just… Seb I need the results to be good today. I need good news. I fuckin’ need it.”

“Hey, sweetheart, there’s no—”

“At the very least I need to stick around long enough to see the new season of The Magicians. I’ve put in far too much time looking up fan theories online to die before it airs.” You were rambling. You knew it. But you couldn’t stop. In fact, you just kept talking faster and faster, tripping over your words. “And have I ever told you about when I watched the finale of the last season? I was crying so much that when I left my room to get ice cream, Jasmin told me she could hear me crying all the way from her room. Like, fuck, that can’t be the last scene I see of The Magicians. That would be far too cruel of a joke for the Universe to play on me.”

“Y/N, breathe.” You did as he said. He waited for you to take a few more breaths before speaking again. “Baby, where’s all this coming from? You were fine this weekend before I left, weren’t you?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I was. But now it’s here and this is the last round of these tests like this. The next time I have tests run, it’ll be to see if I’m ready for surgery. Not to see if the treatment is working. These are the last progress tests. And, historically, I haven’t had much luck with those. The first round of tests with Helen showed that my cancer was more aggressive than my doctor back in Salt Lake thought. Then there were the tests before you left for that week of interviews when we found out it was even more aggressive than we thought because it hadn’t shrunk any. Then—”

“Hey, baby, baby.” Sebastian cut off your recap of bad luck. “I know. I know there’s only really been one round of tests that didn’t give you bad results. Trust me, I know how scary this is. I’m fuckin’ terrified too.”

In a soft, meek voice you asked, “You are?”

“I am. I don’t want to lose you, and there’s nothing I can do at all to change the outcome of any of this. God, I wish I was with you right now.”

I don’t want to lose you.

That was the first time he’d said anything about seeing a future with you, besides a few offhanded comments about next year. Sure, it was a loose interpretation, and it was something people said at times like these, but it still made your heart calm down a bit.

“I wish you were here too,” you admitted quietly. Something about hearing him admit that he was scared calmed your nerves. “Can… can I call you and put you on speaker when I meet with Dr. Chowdhury? I know it won’t be the same as you holding my hand but…”

“Yes, please. I was about to ask that, actually.”

Relief flowed through your body. “Thank you, honey. I didn’t want to go through alone. I’m glad you had a short day today.”

“Mmhmm.” He agreed.

“Anyway, I should probably let you go for now. Go grab some food and head back to your room.”

“You sure? I can stay on with you. I can multitask.”

A smile forced itself onto your face at his offer. “I know. And I appreciate the offer, but I’m coming down from that little panic attack and I think I’m going to fall asleep. So you get your food and I’m going to take a nap while this machine keeps pumping toxic chemicals into my body. I’ll talk to you in an hour and a half.”

Your leg was bouncing faster than your heart was beating. Or was it the other way around?

Either way, you were nervous as hell.

“So, to be on track the tumor has to have shrunk at least twenty percent, right?” You asked Dr. Chowdhury as he looked through your file. “That’s what you said when we changed the treatment. Twenty percent by now, and another fifteen percent before surgery?”

He nodded. “That is correct. Dr. Abara agreed that if your tumor shrinks at least thirty-five percent since your previous scans, your chances at having a successful surgery are much higher than if it does not shrink that much. Considering how you have reacted to the treatment thus far, twenty percent is a fair amount.”

You blew out a long breath and heard Sebastian shifting on the other end of the phone.

“So?” you asked Dr. Chowdhury, gripping your phone so tightly you were scared it might break. “Where am I at?”

“Your scans show that the tumor is twenty-five percent smaller than it was at Thanksgiving.”

He was smiling at you and Sebastian was saying something, but your brain couldn’t process the news that quickly.

Twenty-five percent? More than anticipated? Good news?

“That’s… that’s good news, right?”

A short bark of relieved laughter came through the phone speaker from Sebastian as Dr. Chowdhury nodded. “Very good news.”

“Holy shit.”

You could hardly believe it.

Good News!!! And I would apologize for ranting about The Magicians, but I had EMOTIONS that needed a VOICE and this was the time and place, apparently. Anyway, I was rereading this and saw the line about being able to go to bars and shit in January and just laughed a bit. Ah, the world before COVID. I miss those times. So, do you guys think the treatment is going to continue to work? You think the surgery will happen? And if it does... what happens after Are they gonna stay married? 

CHAPTER 24: THE AIRPORT

[moonlightmadnessreviews]

Midsommar (2019): Bleakness in Broad Daylight

As I left the theater after my viewing of Midsommar, one thought rang clearly through my mind: “I NEED to discuss what I’ve just watched!” 2018’s Hereditary effected me much in the same way and, though the movies are at times visual opposites, Aster has solidified his filmic vocabulary. Produced by A24, Midsommar sees Aster once again tackling issues of grief, denial and one character’s journey to fulfill their destiny.

Both written and directed by Ari Aster, Midsommar begins with a mural. Upon this first watch (and considering my brain was scrambling to keep up with my eyes as they did their best to take in every detail), it seems the mural depicted the change of seasons. This is a theme the movie plays with throughout its nearly 2 hour run time. The mural opens like the curtain on a grand stage and invites us into a cold, snowy landscape. An ethereal chanting plays over jump cut after jump cut. Frame after frame of this vast cold land. Then suddenly, as if startled out of a dream, we jump from snowy treetops to a suburban aerial view that zooms in deeper and deeper to the tempo of a phone desperately ringing.

We are introduced to Dani, played by Florence Pugh, as she attempts to reach her parents after receiving an ominous e-mail from her sister. After leaving her voicemail, Dani places a phone call to her boyfriend Christian, played by Jack Reynor, who is with a group of friends when Dani calls. The friends are rounded out by Josh (William Jackson Harper), Pelle (Vilhelm Blomgren) and finally, Mark (Will Poulter and his friggin’ eyebrows, don’t even get me started). We learn that Christian feels he should breakup with Dani, this current freak out over her inability to reach her parents and her bi-polar sister’s erratic behavior being the latest in what is apparently a long line of freak outs. He receives yet another call from Dani and what follows is just the first of Midsommar’s shocking and brutally bleak scenes.

I won’t get into spoilers for this scene (“Haunting in its realism.” is as much as I’ll give you) but it does bring me to what I find incredibly interesting about Aster’s direction. The director has managed to set quite firmly his filmic vocabulary via one device in particular and one which has become a favorite topic of discussion of mine: the Ari Aster Cry. Last year’s Hereditary gave us one of the most brutal, realistic and certainly uncomfortable depictions of grief through Toni Collette’s cries before, during, and even after her daughter’s funeral. A round of applause is certainly in order for Collette’s performance, but I also feel Aster has a way of bringing these cries out of his actresses, capturing them in long, uninterrupted takes. Pugh gives an equally inspired, incredibly pained, and mournful cry after the aforementioned events. Your skin crawls as screams, cries, and an assortment of other guttural noises leave her body.

When I saw Hereditary, a couple left during the post-funeral cry scene, and I half expected to see at least one couple bail out at this point as well. Alas, I suppose I was accompanied by a more courageous audience this time. What I love is how Aster sticks our faces deep inside a character’s grief and refuses us any respite, not unlike a heavy handed owner shoving his dog’s face in its own mess, forcing us to deal with how uncomfortable we are with hearing someone express genuine pain and suffering. And so, we are ushered along by our title card, reminding us we’ve merely been given a glimpse of what we’re in for.

Cinematography is provided by Pawel Pogorzelski, and his contributions are critical in helping us feel fully immersed in the beautiful, albeit frightening world that Midsommar paints. We follow Dani, Christian and his friends to Sweden for a Midsommar festival Pelle has invited everyone to. We learn he grew up in a commune where old Scandinavian rituals are still being followed. Landscapes are shot in such a way that they seem inviting, yet so vast that one can not help but feel isolated. As the festival and many of its ceremonies take place in open fields washed in bright and direct sunlight, it is as if the film makers are forcing our eyes open, ensuring we can not look away from any of the horrifying events. I love the way Aster moves the camera through a room, much like we are looking in on a stage play. He takes a similar approach in these open fields and though free of walls, he often frames characters with the commune’s bunk houses and shacks, helping to give our eyes those familiar points of reference.

Through Dani’s character, the movie explores themes of control and free will, or lack there of. We see her taking medication for either depression or anxiety. Often times she is offered hallucinogens and accepts merely out of a sense of obligation. I hesitate to call it peer pressure, because she accepts from a position of someone who doesn’t want to be a downer or a party pooper. She has relinquished control not only of her mind, but in her relationship with Christian, and her through her reluctance to deal with past traumas, handing herself over to them. Aster further explores Dani’s state of mind through camera work and the various jump cuts through out the movie which often see Dani being transported from place to place as if she has lost time and has snapped back into the present.

After a shot of the clouds outside Dani’s airplane window during their flight to Sweden, the camera begins to shake as if being jostled by turbulence, though it is more likely a view into Dani’s emotional state. Upon arriving to Pelle’s commune, the camera performs a beautiful rolling move, sweeping over the friends’ car and swapping the sky for the road to show us the name of the commune upside down, before planting us back on our feet. It’s a perfect analogy for how disoriented our characters are for much of the film’s runtime.

When dealing with gore, the movie once again forces us to witness horrific events in broad daylight. We bear witness to a ceremonial ättestupa (if you already know what that is, you’ll be amused by Josh’s reaction) in a stark, stone valley surrounded by lime. It seems to wash out and intentionally overexpose the scene to ratchet up the shock of blood, bone and gore. The camera hangs on these moments at times a beat too long, as if playing chicken with the viewer. “Will I cut to another scene, or will you cover your eyes? Are you enjoying the sound of this character fighting for breath after being bludgeoned, or are you dying to cover your ears and run from it?”

As vibrant and visually stunning as the movie is, it is certainly a slow burn. Much like the music provided by The Haxan Cloak, the movie can drone on at times, yet the notes it pedals to throughout help to keep it from losing its audience. Thankfully, Aster does not fill these droning moments with dumps of exposition, helping to keep the commune shrouded in mystery til the very last note. There are a few musical motifs that are stated throughout the movie, much like the visual clues set up in the first act which hint at the fate of each character and payoff in the final act, culminating in the crescendo that is the May Queen ceremony.

The movie ends with Dani making a monumentally important decision. After being broken down in the commune, forced time and time again to leave her comfort zone and put in incredibly uncomfortable positions, some viewers may see the ending as Dani just giving in and accepting once again a lack of control.

After having had time to think on the ending for the last day or so, I stick with my original take on the ending. We see Dani accept a new found power brought out of her at the exact moment she stops denying what has been in front of her the whole time: her grief, her failing relationship with Christian, and the fate of her friends. She purged herself of those demons through the iconic Ari Aster Cry and takes on the role of May Queen (not so much a spoiler as it is hinted that Pelle has chosen her for this exact role through out the movie), wearing a crown of breathing flowers and an oversized dress that is a bouquet onto itself. The tension built through the movie stands at one end, while Dani’s character arc builds from an opposite point, finally meeting in the middle high above their respective bases to form a pyramid which mirrors the sacred temple our protagonist stands before in the film’s final moments.

Midsommar is another masterpiece from the mind of Ari Aster. Though the film pairs nicely with Hereditary, it’s warm tones standing in contrast to the latter’s cold overcast, the film manages to stand firmly on its own. Another example of Aster’s exploration of grief, destiny and our longing for control, it also plays at our base need to feel as though we are part of a greater entity. As societal beings, we search for a home, a family, and at times though it seems impossible to fit in, we are shocked to find the strength we are looking for lies deep within ourself, like the sun on a midsummer’s day.

Rating: 5 Full Moons out of 5 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕