#this is about spite and self-flagellation and stubbornness

[thepurplecardinal]

bucking bronco

i’ve been getting ready for today since dawn

and never once did the rain let up

my hubris told the sun to bring it on

ready to pounce like a tiger cub

as i approached my horse like any other day

i wouldn’t dare look it in the eyes

today i would tame this beast and it’d obey

i’d be still, like the dust, i’d rise

fear and guilt sat heavy in my gut

like a steel anchor for a wayward ship

i’d do anything to make this pony strut

even if i had to strike like lightning with a whip

i’ll tame this fucking bucking bronco

if it’s the last thing i’ll ever do

i’ll tame this fucking bucking bronco

even if it kills me, i’ll show you

[croziers-compass]

There is something I think a lot about when writing Francis' character. It is the considerations. I know. I know. I ran his natal. So I cheat a little here but it's very fitting. So bear with me. Below is some details of his individual based on his natal.

He weighs and measures everything with such a mindful consideration. There is a tenderness to everything he does. He is a planner. He is a thinker. Nothing he does is done on impulse. Every little thing is considered and turned carefully in his head, and if he can help it, his hands. There is so much fluidity to him in both how he moves and how he thinks. He sees and understands from a magnitude of perspectives and yet settles comfortably in the "present". Even if it seems as if he has disregarded something entirely, it has, in actuality, played an important role in his next course of action. Everything is tender and mindful and careful. He is sitting with acute and sharp angles especially in his Asc. and Nodes but there's this mindful care that he takes even when he snaps. And I think that when he lets out the fury that it's yet graceful and full of a fire and spite and rage that is still calculated. He's Irish. And very temperamental and will always be temperamental but in all the temper and fury that rages within him it's a spitfire that comes deeply from the heart and the rich ember that burns inside of him. He is raw unadulterated energy. He is a lot of air and movement in his natal and also a lot of fire. His Ascendant is Leo which... Honestly that makes complete sense. Why would it not be? Sun in Libra. Ascendant in Leo. Moon in is Aries. This man is all fire and air which burns so brilliantly and powerfully. Two of the greatest leadership signs sitting at 29°03’ and 24°21’ in 3rd and 9th. Passion. Fire. Empathy. Rationality. Stubborn. Strong Willed. Tender. Considerate. Mindful. Thoughtful. Well-Measured. A Leader. He is equipped with such a wonderful array of balanced measures. However, despite all of this, he struggles with maintaining his inner vices and voices that drag him under. He is cruel to himself in ways he does not need to be. He is self flagellating despite the drive forwards, leading to a bit of an insecurity with anything relating to the hearts. He knows what he wants and he is certain of what he wants and he will move forwards to achieve that no matter what and will do everything he can. But not before he battles with himself over it for a long, long while. He sees and he knows and he measures well. But it might blindside his heart a little. But once he sets his eyes on something he wants. Once the fire has been lit it is not something that is doused easily. And if it does get doused it kills him and takes such a huge piece of him. He is so much fire and passion that suffocating anything that burns within him is causing him irreparable damage. This man is aflame in all of the best ways while also modestly chasing himself in circles. Nemesis in Capricorn: 2°33’ - 6 ruins me. That number is just so raw and brutal. It's just circulating around him. He brings so much in such an acute way that he is irreplaceable in the hearts and minds of others. That 2 is just hitting a hard "own worst enemy". He mends through love and what he gives others. If he does not feed his heart and exercise the fire and love he feels in his chest then he will succumb to the dampness he exerts over himself. And yet he is suspicious of many things, a skeptical eye on much while yearning for more for others and for himself that he might not be able to reach for. Giving him this sense that much he wishes for is unattainable despite everything. Balance is what he needs and he knows what he needs to do in order to move fowards. He does everything with such a fluid grace that's raw and driving and primordial and passionate full of a tender and hot fire. He really is just wonderful in so many ways and I cannot stop thinking about the cherished way he cradles everything and considers everything around him. He really is an explorer with such an expansive heart and mind that seeks to understand a broad amount. And with such love and tender care despite the pain and tragedy that follows him. I hope this is the end of my word vomiting. Because this has been building up inside of me for about a mon

[stan-denbrough]

bill crushing on stan but stan likes mike and bill just happened to see them kissing

God, you really want Bill Denbrough to have no rights huh? 

Okay so Bill is not Richie. His reactions to things aren’t extreme. He holds onto things whereas Richie (while he can hold onto things) tends to let things out. That is to say, Bill would not make a scene or throw a tantrum or confront them- ever.

Bill would resign himself to saying “Sigh, good for them, it’s what Stan deserves. Mike’s such a good guy, I’m happy for both of them, I swear :’(” 

And he’d beat himself up, and every time Stan and Mike show up Bill suppresses cringing because he’s supposed to be happy for them. Those voices in his head whisper such delicious little lies that Bill’s a bad friend, that he’s even a racist for being jealous of Mike, that Bill’s a piece of shit who’ll never find love.

So I think Bill’s stutter gets worse around stanlon, at least for a while. He starts to get more withdrawn in general. But Bill is also unlike Richie in that Bill is very stubborn and active. He’s going to channel this into something, and I’m not sure what that would be.

But even then, he’d still be fighting back a wave of guilt because his coping mechanism, like everyone’s, is to tell himself that he’s better than that. He deserves someone who likes him back, damn it! 

Except he steps back and thinks about it, sis? Bill Denbrough, too good for Stanley Uris? You thought, and will continue to think. So Bill’s trapped in self loathing and constantly trying to let that pressure out in some unrelated way so he can pretend he’s fine, but one of these days he’s going to burst. 

But we can make it angstier mama! Because it’s Mike and Stan, holy shit. If they ever catch on... 

They’re going to show Bill all the love and support, but their boundaries are firm and clear, and Big Bill will feel like he’s being scolded by a teacher and he’ll only feel worse. Mike would say “Hey man, you know I love you. But I see the way you look at Stan. And uh... I’m not just saying this for me, he feels the same way, he just would never say this to you... it’s making both of us uncomfortable. I’m not judging it’s just :/ yeah... could you maybe... I don’t know? I don’t know where I’m going with this. Sorry if I’m completely off base haha.”

Because like Stan and Mike are so fucking pure why should Bill ever have the right to resent them?? 

Richie operates on spite and suppression. Bill operates on self loathing and self flagellation. Bill denies himself the possibility of love, and like, believe what you want about love. But what I believe is that Love as a concept isn’t as neatly separated into different categories as you might think. Bill’s parents already barely give a shit. So he has more than one axis of different kinds of love that aren’t being met. This shit compounds.

I really do think Bill’s mental health would suffer. It’s like that anon who Big Brain said that Bill has rejection sensitivity. I think that’s absolutely true! And Bill’s depression would probably manifest as incomprehensible emotions, flattened emotions, irritation, aggression, and tendency toward recklessness and even self harm. You know, Bill in the book after Georgie died. 

And Bill is smart. He’s self aware. He would blame himself for feeling this way because it’s not Stan’s fault, and it’s not Mike’s fault. But what Bill refuses to believe is that it’s not his fault either. And maybe Bill’s healing shouldn’t be in proximity to Mike and Stan, or helped by them. And that would absolutely hurt them, but I think they would understand.

[croziers-compass]

There is something I think a lot about when writing Francis' character. It is the considerations. The mindfulness of him. The tenderness with which he tends to everything. There's a measurement to him that's fluid and dynamic and beautifully graceful in a weird way that is also fiery and passionate and eloquently though also messy and raw. I know. I know. I ran his natal. So I cheat a little here but it's very fitting and I really went off on the deep end for and with this. There's way too much to cover but it's literally 100% of me rambling about Francis and all these things about him that I love and cherish dearly. Does NOT help we are both Libras here so I spend an inordinate amount of time charting and measuring everything and taking a broad amount of this man into perspective. Incoming: Francis Crozier Rambling Dead Dove: Do Not Eat Continue at your own risk.

He weighs and measures everything with such a mindful consideration. There is a tenderness to everything he does. He is a planner. He is a thinker. Nothing he does is done on impulse. Every little thing is considered and turned carefully in his head, and if he can help it, his hands. There is so much fluidity to him in both how he moves and how he thinks. He sees and understands from a magnitude of perspectives and yet settles comfortably in the "present". Even if it seems as if he has disregarded something entirely, it has, in actuality, played an important role in his next course of action.

Everything is tender and mindful and careful. He is sitting with acute and sharp angles especially in his Asc. and Nodes but there's this mindful care that he takes even when he snaps.

And I think that when he lets out the fury that it's yet graceful and full of a fire and spite and rage that is still calculated. He's Irish. And very temperamental and will always be temperamental but in all the temper and fury that rages within him it's a spitfire that comes deeply from the heart and the rich ember that burns inside of him. He is raw unadulterated energy. He is a lot of air and movement in his natal and also a lot of fire. His Ascendant is Leo which… Honestly that makes complete sense. Why would it not be? Sun in Libra. Ascendant in Leo. Moon in is Aries. This man is all fire and air which burns so brilliantly and powerfully. Two of the greatest leadership signs sitting at 29°03’ and 24°21’ in 3rd and 9th.

Passion. Fire. Empathy. Rationality. Stubborn. Strong Willed. Tender. Considerate. Mindful. Thoughtful. Well-Measured. A Leader. He is equipped with such a wonderful array of balanced measures. However, despite all of this, he struggles with maintaining his inner vices and voices that drag him under. He is cruel to himself in ways he does not need to be. He is self flagellating despite the drive forwards, leading to a bit of an insecurity with anything relating to the hearts. He knows what he wants and he is certain of what he wants and he will move forwards to achieve that no matter what and will do everything he can. But not before he battles with himself over it for a long, long while. He sees and he knows and he measures well. But it might blindside his heart a little.

But once he sets his eyes on something he wants. Once the fire has been lit it is not something that is doused easily. And if it does get doused it kills him and takes such a huge piece of him. He is so much fire and passion that suffocating anything that burns within him is causing him irreparable damage. This man is aflame in all of the best ways while also modestly chasing himself in circles.

Nemesis in Capricorn: 2°33’ - 6 ruins me. That number is just so raw and brutal. It's just circulating around him. He brings so much in such an acute way that he is irreplaceable in the hearts and minds of others. That 2 is just hitting a hard "own worst enemy". He mends through love and what he gives others. If he does not feed his heart and exercise the fire and love he feels in his chest then he will succumb to the dampness he exerts over himself.

And yet he is suspicious of many things, a skeptical eye on much while yearning for more for others and for himself that he might not be able to reach for. Giving him this sense that much he wishes for is unattainable despite everything. Balance is what he needs and he knows what he needs to do in order to move fowards.

He does everything with such a fluid grace that's raw and driving and primordial and passionate full of a tender and hot fire. He really is just wonderful in so many ways and I cannot stop thinking about the cherished way he cradles everything and considers everything around him. He really is an explorer with such an expansive heart and mind that seeks to understand a broad amount. And with such love and tender care despite the pain and tragedy that follows him.

I hope this is the end of my word vomiting. Because this has been building up inside of me for about a month and it's currently New Moon in Scorpio during Eclipse season and it's doing things to me.