#this is a very circumventive way of getting do ''my god do i know how to not talk or address or look at things''

[hannahchronism]

i saw. an edit on tiktok (yeah i know) of someone who had compiled a bunch of pictures they took when they started to feel like the thing they were doing wasn't real and that sort of. boxed me into acknowledging that that should probably be. the minority feeling. if it happens at all.

[autoclavesarchived]

something akin to | the magnus archives (ao3)

summary: four conversations about love and death, and one that never happened. beginning scene inspired by @tatumsdrawing‘s comic!

“Would you kill me, Elias? If the Beholding demanded it of you?”

It’s asked placidly, curiously, without any particular inflection. There is a palpable dispassion to Peter’s tone that Elias does not think can be simulated. But perhaps he is just playing into what Peter wants him to think.

In any case, his answer is immediate and cruel. “Yes,” he says. “I would kill you. But I would make it quick. And lonely.”

“I suppose you would call that love,” Peter muses. He doesn’t seem alarmed at all by this response; he seems as if he’d expected it. It’s almost disconcerting how quickly Peter knows things, knows him, despite being the diametric opposite of whatever principles the Eye stands for.

It’s part of why Elias has kept him for so long.

Soon, though, this arrangement will have to come to an end. Peter Lukas must die, that is a certainty. But his death will be Elias’s, that is also a certainty. There is too much history between them for it to happen any other way. Making Peter Lukas’s unavoidable death painless and economical and Lonely is Elias’s burden; his duty of care. The knowledge of it pulsates inside his chest, shuddering like a fearful foreign object.

“I don’t love you.” Rebuttal makes his words harsh. They are a direct betrayal of what he’d been thinking just now.

Peter laughs unkindly. “Of course you do.”

“You don’t need me, Peter, far from it, and yet you keep crawling back. If anything, it’s the opposite.” Elias wraps his fingers around a frigid hand and drags it forward with a jolt. Peter’s arm jerks, a marionette on a string following the snap of his wrist. Once again reaching for Elias like an inexorable thing. In the moonlight, his wedding ring glints out an accusation.

“What does it say about you, then, that you keep taking me back without question?”

Peter wrenches his hand back, and this time, it is Elias’s own ring that is visible in the low light, a betrayal and a testimony both.

Elias kisses him then, a wretched filthy thing, mostly so Peter will not demand an answer from him. Not that Peter is particularly confrontational in these matters—his preferred method of petty conflict is that of the Lonely, which is to say, he takes a perverse delight in leaving, and knowing that Elias feels the acute ache of missing—but there is perhaps something to be said about how Elias himself does not want to linger on the matter.

He does not know what his actions say about him. He doubts it is anything good.

—

Elias feels loneliest when Peter is in his bed, even lonelier than when he inevitably wakes alone.

Even when Peter is there, it is as if he is not. That is what it means to be a servant of the Forsaken, he has grown to understand. To have an absence more meaningful than a presence.

“Do you love me?” Elias wonders, voice heavy with compulsion. It’s not the unerring exactitude he normally favors, but right now he has Peter sprawled naked on the bed underneath him. Now is not the time for precision tools—this particular compulsion feels like a blow to the head, and he has no scruples about the fact.

Peter only bites down on his lower lip, keeping his mouth stubbornly shut. The compulsion has dug in its hooks, but his resistance means it’s taking far too long, and Elias arches an eyebrow in displeasure. Another method, then. He snaps his hips downwards languidly; Peter lets out a groan like it’s being wrenched out of him, and his answer slinks out with the noise.

“Sometimes I hate you, instead.”

He’s always been too good at evasion. Another particular quirk of the Forsaken. They know how to slip past unnoticed.

“That’s not an answer.”

“Mmhm.” Peter runs his gaze up Elias’ chest, hands at his waist forcing him to settle into a cruelly slow rhythm.

“I could force it out of you, the real answer. I could set your mind on fire.”

“Of course you could.” It’s an empty threat and they both know it. They’ve been through every iteration that exists of this song and dance.

“No, your death will be less crude. I know exactly how you like it,” he continues. He bites into Peter’s mouth, the words only half-laced with innuendo.

Peter outright laughs at that. His hands come to rest on Elias’s hipbones and clamp down. There’ll be bruises later at this rate. “You once told me that I don’t need you. That’s not true, Elias,” Peter says, and his breaths come faster now. Elias redoubles his efforts. “I do need you.” The confession is ragged, gutted out of him faster than any compulsion can manage.

Elias snarls. His hand does something particularly punishing. “You do, do you?”

“Can’t live with you, can’t live without,” Peter spits. He’s arching so beautifully, so violently, under Elias’s touch. “And the only reason I say this is because you’re the same way. You need me.”

Elias slaps him then, quick and wicked, but Peter only starts grinning. The curve of it is an uncanny animal thing that eats at him, gnaws on his ribs like it’s trying to get to his heart. It says, I know you. I Know you.  

“Does your beloved Eye tell you this?” His breath hitches one final time, and then he’s coming, but it doesn’t stop him from saying it again in that low, dreadful voice now punctuated with a choking cry—“You need me, Elias.”

That night, Elias feels particularly lonely. Peter has long since fallen asleep, so he simply stares at the small patterns on the ceiling and feels the emptiness spread through him like hunger pangs. He couldn’t quit the sensation if he tried.

—

Peter cradles his knife against Elias’s neck, a gesture loving in its tenderness. The sharpened blade just barely rests on the swell of his throat. A thin cold line and all that remains of their affection now. Or at least, during this part of the cycle. It’s a familiar routine, after all.

“Give me one reason I shouldn’t kill you right now.” Peter’s teeth are bared and he says the words so roughly it almost jars him. Elias draws inwards in fits of real anger; Peter explodes out. Another contradiction, another betrayal to their respective patrons.

“You love me,” Elias murmurs. Peter’s rage is loud enough for the both of them.

“I don’t love. Or have you forgotten what my patron does to men?”

“Love and absence. Hatred and absence. They’re the same thing for us,” he says sharply. “Don’t be uninteresting.”

“A reason, Elias.” The point of the blade slides sideways to caress his jugular before it dips back to its original position, hovering. Cold metal on his throat. Cold metal on his left hand. Two different promises, or maybe the same one.

“I love you.”

Peter scoffs. He doesn’t even bother to respond to the remark.

Elias leans forward so that the knife digs into skin. The tiniest bit more pressure, and it would draw blood; a lesser man would call this a gesture of surrender. It’s like that that he deals the final blow.

“I would kill you, Peter,” he says very softly. It works just as well as an answer to Peter’s demand for a reason as it does an exposition to Elias’s earlier admission. “Who else would be left to do that if you killed me now?”

—

“Do you love him? Your Archivist?”

Elias has to think before responding. He draws out the silence like a poison, or a fine wine. “I wouldn’t kill him. I couldn’t bear to.” He can be evasive, too, given the right motivation. Even the truth is capable of being wrapped in pretty circumventions.

He can tell that had been the right answer by the way Peter hums and shifts on the bed. He Knows what’s coming.

As surely as predicted, like clockwork: “You should marry me again,” Peter says lazily. Triumphantly, now that he’d gotten Elias to admit his attachment to Jon, and more importantly, to admit that it was lesser than his attachment to Peter.

“Which number are we on now, seven?”

“Eight. If we’re counting the incident with the—”

“Yes, that. I don’t particularly care for a repeat.”

Elias thinks disdainfully back to their second marriage. That had been an unmitigated disaster; back before they’d really grasped the terms of this arrangement and learned to live with them. Afterwards, Peter had gone away for so long that he was nearly insubstantial when he came back. Just a mist-torn phantom haunting the doorways. Elias had proposed the next time, mostly to make him stay.

“Is that a yes, Elias?” A calloused palm runs over his wrist, without a fumble despite the lack of light in the room. Something cold and metal is placed into his hand—his ring, a solidly-made band only conspicuous in its absence. Peter doesn’t wait for his answer to slide it on. He supposes that they both already know what it’s going to be.

“Yes. God knows why.”

“Even vicious cycles have their moments.”

A pause. Elias feels their history unwind, spool its messy layers around them. It’s coming to an end, all of it. It must. For the briefest flash of a second, he thinks that if he could have loved Peter, he would.

“Until death do us part, then.”

They only ever have this conversation in the dark. Some things can only be said by the blind and the blinded.

—

The tide comes in roiling and colorless here.

This is not so much sea as much as it is marshland, as much as it is some hellish combination of the two. Elias knows better than to assign any human quality to an Entity, but for a moment he indulges himself in the thought that the Lonely is grieving. It certainly feels more feeble. Less tangible, even for a presence that thrives on the insubstantial. Perhaps the Archivist had dealt it a greater blow than previously expected—and that is certainly an interesting development, but it is not what Elias has come here for.

He walks steadily inwards. The Lonely calls out to him in desperation, begs to shroud his Eyes with fog. Elias brushes it off easily enough despite the howling emptiness it burdens him with upon retreating; he is used to loss, and even more so now.

When he finally reaches the place, there is nothing left of Peter Lukas to be found save some darker shreds of mist, Lonely and discontent. There is not even a scattering of bones bleached sea-dry by the tidewater. Not even a silvered wedding ring.

That is to be expected, of course.

Elias turns his back on the clearing, sharply. He’s seen the place. With his own physical eyes, even. He’s done what he’d come for, and he’s risking everything just by being here now.

He tells himself that he is only sorry he hadn’t been the one to finally end it. Peter’s death was meant to be Elias’s, because such devotion was the closest thing he could offer in the place of love. As he leaves, the lapping mist pulls at his sleeves as if tugging him back.

[imshatteredbutnotbroken]

Let’s talk about The Shawn Mendes Foundation

Firstly, I don’t actually know how correct I am. I am simply following a hunch. That is all this is – a hunch, a suspicion, a kind of insatiable curiosity, etc. 

So, let’s get into this. 

I have been of two minds when it comes to this foundation: 1. It was damage control for Shawn (and, let’s be real, it wouldn’t be the first time a charity has been used for damage control in Hollywood, and it certainly won’t be the last), and 2. A tax circumvention (though, in hindsight, based on Shawn’s team’s ability to pull off a publicity stunt surreptitiously, I’m not so sure that’s possible).

The Shawn Mendes Foundation was officially launched on August 28, 2019. The news release for that announcement can be read here. That seems all well and good, correct? But, let’s dig a little deeper. Did you know anyone can look up a domain name to see when it was registered and to whom? I did this (and, honestly, I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me earlier. I’m the leader of the stupid parade). Here’s a screenshot:

See the registration date? August 2, 2019. You’re telling me they set up a whole ass charitable foundation – that operates in two countries – in 26 days? If this was in the works for a long time, like they want Shawn’s fans to believe, why the hell wouldn’t they have bought and registered the domain name as soon as they had the idea? I also think it’s interesting that the domain name was registered for only a year. If they had faith in this, or faith that someone would stay, wouldn’t they have bought the domain name for a longer period of time?  

Now, who owns the domain name? Well, it’s not Shawn (but, no shock there). Let’s use this website to find out. Side note, I really don’t think this means anything. I was just curious.

Sylvie is also the admin to the website. Again, I don’t think this really means anything because some human has to own the domain name. It just supports the theory of the foundation being damage control.

Now, something else that has raised my suspicions is what on God’s green Earth they do with the money. The foundation gives out tax receipts.

But, there’s a problem with that, at least in Canada (and, I’d like to clarify here -- this is the part I am unsure about. If my reading comprehension skills are correct, the following is what I understand to be correct). According to this Government of Canada website, you have to be registered in order to give out tax receipts (and not pay any tax). “Wait!” I hear you shouting. “The Shawn Mendes Foundation has to be registered, right?!” Well, no, they’re not. You can look up its lack of registration here. There is also a suspicious lack of charitable registration numbers on the website. So, why the bloody hell are they giving out tax receipts? What the bloody fuck are they doing with Shawn’s fans’ money? We have no clue because it can’t be tracked. There is no annual report, and they don’t offer any updates on what they do with with the money (aside from allegedly giving it to SickKids [which, I applaud by the way. It’s an important charity in Toronto, Ontario, and Canada – no word of a lie]). If they wanted to be taken seriously, they should have registered. And, this leads to the question of who is giving out the tax receipts. Is it SickKids? Is it AG Artists? Who?!

So, with all of that in mind, you can come to your own conclusions. But, here’s mine:

Don’t give them your money. Not until they register with the Canadian government, at the very least, not until they have annual reports, not until they tell you what they’re doing with your money, and not until they stop using Shawn’s name for this bullshit. This was damage control, and not even good damage control at that. Shawn is, once again, the one being screwed over here. They’re using his name for charity, and Shawn’s team isn’t even good at it.

[phoenixagent003]

In Defense of Fanfiction

So, fairly recently (at time of writing), a fellow writer decided to disparage authors who cut their teeth writing fanfiction which, in their words “actively teaches you to write worse.”

Now, as someone who did cut their teeth writing fanfiction, my gut instinct to seeing this tweet was to angrily quote tweet it with the reply “Oh fuck off.” But that much as a I wanted to do that, I didn’t for several reasons. For one, I just generally try to be restrained and selective for who I get that angry and confrontational with online, reserving it mostly for politicians, celebrities, and DC’s Titans. Entities at once morally bankrupt, and largely immune to any kind of damage that I personally can inflict due to an absence of actual humanity.

And that all being said, this person was… well a person. A person with a narrow-minded and incorrect opinion, but still a person. And a fellow writer. So then I thought about refuting their bad-take, but that felt too much like swooping in to mansplain writing to someone who by all accounts seems to have been doing it at least as long as I have, and who’s been considerably more professionally successful at it.

Plus, like I said, I got my start in fanfiction. My origins are quite literally being targeted and attacked here. And feeling targeted can make people say and do some really stupid stuff if they don’t stop and think beforehand.

Basically, I didn’t want to start a Twitter beef over this because quite frankly the internet would be a happier place if we all just did that less, but I still saw a lot of bad arguments and missed points, so I couldn’t just say nothing. And so here we are, at a compromise between Twitter arguing and saying nothing—blogging about it.

The writer in question turned her single tweet into an entire thread that brought up a lot of very different, very unrelated issues, some of which I want to touch on as well, but before I do any of that, I want to answer the central argument, taking it as much as I can on face value and inferring as little else as possible: that fanfiction “actively teaches you to write worse.”

Does it?

Twitter is a terrible medium for communication. It rewards broad, inflammatory statements and its character limit leaves little room for nuance. Some people attempt brute-force circumventions of that limit, but most don’t, and the site isn’t suited to it. So it is unsurprisingly difficult to parse out exactly what they meant, but I can take a stab at it by covering as many bases as I could think of.

Does the medium of fanfiction inherently teach poor writing fundamentals, like prose, plot structure, or character development?

No. Writing, like most skills, is honed by practice. Every time you think about the best word to put on a page or the best way to structure a sentence or story, you are getting better at writing. You start a sentence, and think to yourself, “Hang on, there’s gotta be a better way to word that.” And that moment, where you reflect on your craft and look for ways and spots to improve it—that is you learning. Developing. Maybe you think of a way to word that sentence better, maybe you don’t. But the act of thinking, of searching, of even just acknowledging that it could be better is still work towards improvement. Doesn’t matter if it’s dialogue written for Harry Potter or for your original character, do not steal.

90% of fanfiction is crap. But 90% of everything is crap. Fanfiction is perhaps more famous for being mostly crap, but it’s really not hard to understand why. First off, the only barrier to entry for writing is basic literacy. If you can read this sentence, you can try your hand at writing. The difference between fanfiction and say, traditionally published works, is that fanfiction kind of keeps that low barrier to entry, whereas to get traditionally published you typically have to impress at least two other people—your agent, and then the editor you agent sends your shit to. And even then, that’s not a insurmountable barrier to entry. A metric butt-ton of people do it all the time.

In short, with fanfiction, the “slush pile” is open and visible, whereas with most other stuff, the only people who have to read that garbage are agents and editors, God have mercy on their souls. But rest assured, there is just as much shitty original fiction as there is shitty fanfiction.

In addition to the low barrier to entry, fanfiction is where a lot of people first dip their toe into this gig. And unless you are an unparalleled prodigy, when you’re new at something, you are bad at something. Which is fine. Doing something poorly is the first step to doing something competently. Practice is practice.

Now, you can practice something incorrectly and do yourself wrong—anybody who knows about proper weight lifting form can tell you that. But for the most part, a writer working on fanfiction is no more likely to do this than someone writing anything else.

The two exceptions I can think of are character and worldbuilding. Somewhat unique to fanfiction (we’ll talk about that in a minute) versus original fiction is that in fanfic, the characters and world are already established. Depending on the kind of fic you write, you may very well not get practice or experience making characters or worlds, since you’re using someone else’s work to basically cover that for you. So, sometimes, in this one specific area, fanfiction does feature something of a crutch that could theoretically lead to deficiencies in a writer’s fundamentals.

That said, that is very much dependent on the type of fanfic. Some works feature entirely original casts, telling a new story with new characters in an established setting. And even in fics which predominantly focus on the established cast, fanfic writers are downright notorious for adding new, original characters into the mix. Most of them are… awful. But we already covered why that is. Remember, bad writing is not the same thing as bad practice.

Ditto worldbuilding, where we’ve got plenty of fanfics that outright replace the world of the established story. The Alternate Universe concept is a very popular one in fanfic.

I will say in a closing than with worldbuilding and character, fanfiction does typically replace only one of these while keeping the other. Mainly because if you changed both, you’re liable to have left the realm of fanfiction altogether.

Does fanfiction, by its nature, leave you unprepared for making the transition to the professional writing world?

Let’s pretend for a moment that we didn’t just shoot down the idea that writing fanfiction means you never honed your ability to create your own original world and characters. That’s nonsense, but let’s say for purely hypothetical arguments sake, that if you start out writing fanfiction, your character-creating muscles will atrophy and you’ll only be able to work with pre-existing concepts, worlds, and characters. Does fanfiction leave you unprepared for making it in the world of professional writing?

For your consideration, I present: the very concept of episodic television. TV shows regularly bring on writers who did not originate either the show or its characters. TV writers craft stories borrowing a world and characters that somebody else came up with. The only difference between them is fanfiction is they got paid and get to be stamped as canon. Same muscles getting used. Same kind of exercise.

The spec script, the method by which most people showcase their ability to write for TV, is literally just fanfiction.

Then we have adaptations and retelling of both licensed and public domain properties, where once again, we have scores of writers, taking characters and concepts that they did not come up with, and using them to tell their own stories, or even just put different spins on the originals. What if Hades and Persephone, but without the whole “against her will” thing? Hey Marvel, can I use your Norse god character to tell a story about how societies built on the back of colonialism are inherently flawed and shouldn’t be preserved at the expense of the people?

The skillset of playing with other people’s toys to make something compelling is an incredibly valuable one for a writer to have. If anything, I’d argue that fanfiction is even better suited to teaching this skillset than writing original fiction.

And as a quick aside, that practice of playing with other people’s characters and constantly asking “Is this in character for them?” is a very useful practice that actually translates very well to writing your own characters. When you invented a character, it can be tempting to declare anything you write “in-character” since, well, you wrote it, and they’re your creation. But that thinking can easily lead to disjointed characterization.

I routinely ask “is this in-character?” while writing for characters I created. It makes me a better writer, and I learned how to ask that question and how to identify the answer from writing fanfiction.

Does fanfiction distort your sense of good taste?

This is the closest I could possibly come to agreeing with the original argument. The last time I was actively involved in it, the fanfiction community had pretty low standards, actually? I say this, because when I was writing fics, I was actually heaped with praise and attention, almost all of which was near universally good.

But I was not good. I was bad. I was very bad. Because I was in junior high, and an idiot, and those fics were the first thing I ever wrote that was longer than seven pages. But I updated my fics daily over the summer, in a very popular fandom that predominantly targeted people my age. So I got lots of fans and praise, and I started to think I was a good writer. Even worse than that, other people thought I was a good writer, and told even more people that I was.

Which is an affront to good taste.

That having been said, even though I do hold fandom and its nature partially to blame for the single most humbling aspect of my entire life, I also just hold adolescence in general to blame? Maybe? I like to think that much as I grew beyond my poor grasp of my own woeful incompetence, so too did my audience grow up and get a better understanding of what actually good writing is.

But then again, EL James and Reki Kawahara have made more money than I’ve ever seen in my life. So maybe neither fanfic nor adolescence is to blame. Maybe sometimes trash just sells.

As an aside, I hope this doesn’t come off as me trying to be mean or make fun of all those people who liked my old stuff. I know I’m embarrassed by it, and the only reason I haven’t deleted it all is because I need an ego check every now and again (and they’re also how I met my wife). But whether you also did a 180 on my old stuff as you got older or you still unironically think it’s good… thank you for the support. You are my humble beginnings and I would not be the person I am today without all of you.

…and that’s enough getting sentimental and making this about me, let’s go back to debunking opinions that are objectively wrong because I disagree with them.

The Other Stuff

I feel I’ve thoroughly said my peace on the original argument put out by my colleague. Namely, that they are wrong. But I’d also like to very quickly address the everything else they spewed out. My takes on this are considerably less long winded and probably could have been sanded down to a Twitter reply, but I still figure their inbox is getting enough shit already, and I want to make this more about the arguments than the person.

I’m not going to cover everything in detail, especially since I am super not qualified to speak on some of them—there is only so much I as a cishet dude feel comfortable giving my opinion on—but I will cover the bits that stood out and ground my gears.

EL James and Cassandra Clare are “fucking terrible”

No disputing the EL James part. Her character work is atrocious, her understanding of actual kink and BDSM dynamics and lifestyles is woeful, her plot bears clear evidence of serialized work that was not properly cleaned up prior to publication.

I haven’t read Cassandra Clare’s work. I have heard both good and bad things about it, but let’s say for argument’s sake she’s also not great.

This comment shows a distinct lack of knowledge of just how many authors, many critically acclaimed, write fanfiction on the side or got their start in it. Neil Gaiman writes fanfiction—and usually manages to get paid for it. I could go on with a long and yet still non-exhaustive list of authors who have done or still do it. Bottom line, there are some very high profile, not good writers whose start in fanfiction has been effectively weaponized against them to further underline their badness—“Of course EL James is bad. What did you expect from someone who started in fanfiction—while simultaneously many good writers have their connections to it downplayed by either choice or their own profile.

“Low effort formulaic lowest-common-denominator writing is bad actually”?

I almost brought this into main discussion, but I said I would infer as little as possible and on its own, this tweet didn’t directly say it was talking about fanfiction. I would argue it heavily implied it, and I very much doubt the author of the tweet would disagree with me, but I made the no inferring rule and I stuck to it.

I’m actually still going to take this argument on its own for a moment. I’ve already covered how and why fanfiction is generally seen as bad—low barrier to entry and the bad stuff is as easy to find as the good stuff—so I want to talk about something else. “Low effort writing is bad. No real arguments. I could jokingly say Neil Gaiman could drunkenly scribble something on a napkin that would outclass my best efforts, but I actually don’t have that low an opinion of myself.

Lowest-common-denominator writing is probably bad. In general, I think trying to appeal to the lowest common denominator is a good way to make uninspired trash, but on the other hand…fuck it, I’m liable to be included in that lowest common denominator most of the time. That’s the whole goddamn point of the LCD. It casts a broad net. And there’s a place for that. I don’t think it should be a big place, but still a place.

“Formulaic writing is bad” though? That I also just straight up disagree with. Formulas are a tool. And like every tool, they can be used really well, or really poorly. Used well, a formula can provide a solid structure around which to build interesting stories or ground the audience in otherwise unfamiliar settings. Don’t call a hammer a bad tool just because you’re hitting the nail wrong.

Several arguments discussing fanfictions relationship to queer and female audiences/writers/identities:

Nope, not touching that.

Oh fuck off.

Fanfiction isn’t collaborative or about community because “it's all corporate IP” and “Ultimately, someone else legally owns it, and you are choosing to give a corporate entity your creative energy.”

And this is actually something that’s been bugging me a while, specifically regarding the relationship people have with corporately owned IP and how it being owned by a corporation doesn’t automatically invalidate it as a source of emotional investment or cultural symbolism. But quite honestly, that really deserves its own post, so I’m just going to put a pin in this that and say we’re done here.

Glad I got all that off my chest.

So that was a thing. If you’ve got your own experiences with fanfic, good or bad, I’d love to hear them in the comments or over on Twitter.

If your curious about my history in fanfiction, like I said, it is all still technically out there, and very bad, but I’m not so much of a masochist that I’d link it here. I wouldn’t read it if I were you.

I write newer, much better stuff now. Some of it is here on this website, and some of it is in a novel coming out Fall 2021! Check that out instead! I promise it’s a much better use of your time.

[amwritingmeta]

12x19 Deconstruction: Cas and Kelly, and Most of the Episode

Oh, this episode. This episode has me salivating with inspiration and a bit of worship - the structure is so damn good I want to just use it as a private staple from here on out. (I won’t.) (Or will I?...) Okay, let’s move onto the actual focus of this deconstruction: the baby. I have stated again and again how...

I do not believe the baby is evil - I believe it’s good. 

So let me here give you my foremost reasons for why I so firmly believe this, but first, can we just do a slow clap for the amazing work of writers Robert Berens and Meredith Glynn and the stunning job done on this episode by director Amanda Tapping? Thank you. (Yes, okay, let’s stop now.)

I’m going to have to dip into the entirety of this episode now in order to make my reasons for believing the baby is of the Good stick. I’ll spend an extra moment on the pivotal scene in the motel room, but honestly, this episode is so Cas/Kelly focused that it’s impossible not to look at the entirety of both of their story lines through every beat of this forty-two minute blitz of deep character development for Cas. It’s fucking amazingly crafted. Again, prostrated on the floor, Writers.

But what about Destiel?

Well, of course this is a Destiel heavy episode, and for very good reasons, too, but I’m going to discuss Dean as he relates to Cas’ character arc this time around, rather than how they both relate to their joint love story arc. (Okay, the love story arc will be part of this discussion because it can’t not be, but it won’t be in focus.) (There will be Destiel.) (Wait COME BACK I SAID THERE WILL BE DESTIE—… Good. Hi. There will be Destiel. Okay? Just alittlemoreCasKellybabydiscussionshhhhhhh let’s begin now.)

So, then: Why Is the Baby Good?

Oh, boy. The answer is a long and complex one, because it doesn’t really occur in one scene, rather it just keeps coming at you throughout the episode. And it starts as early as the recap sequence, where we’re reminded of Dagon’s role as Protector. The dialogue where she convinces Kelly to come with her is chilling, and significant:

Dagon: I’m a demon - you’re Rosemary, complete with baby. Kelly, the angels, the Wincesters, the good guys - they want you dead, but I can protect you. I can protect your son.

Even though Kelly might have had reservations, what happens when the Winchesters decide to interfere, tricking Kelly and more or less kidnapping her against her will, really only serves to prove one thing: they have nothing on Dagon.

Sam: We want to help. Kelly: You call this helping?

Kelly has no faith in them whatsoever and when Dagon comes for her, she’s resigned to go with her - there’s no salvation to be had here, the Winchesters, whatever their motivation, can’t protect her or her child.

THE OPENING SCENE

The opening scene of 12x19 gives us a harrowing setup, immediately declaring the new relationship between Kelly and Dagon as Dagon is now Kelly’s Captor - the Protector role long gone. Dagon forces vitamins down Kelly’s throat as Kelly’s refusing them. Kelly’s appearance is filthy, her expression vacant: all hope has gone from her. The following exchange (shortened) is, however, intriguing to the extreme in terms of foreshadowing:

Dagon: Stop disrespecting the god inside of you. Kelly: He’s gonna kill me. Dagon: Yeah. And he’s not gonna stop there. Every sad, weak human; every tight ass angel; every snivelling demon - they’ll all be consumed.

Now, I would like to draw your eye away from the narrative of the entire series, and instead focus you on the contained narrative of this specific episode. Everything interlaces gorgeously either way, and the whole of the series is reflected in the prisms of the character arcs of this episode, but putting that aside, let’s simplify it, for simplicity’s sake.

Dagon is not only a Prince of Hell, she’s Lucifer’s closest, she’s acting directly under his orders, but, in the context of the narrative of this episode, she is not a parallel to Lucifer: she is a representative of Evil, of darkness, of death and of destruction. She is everything bad in this world, every last minute of suffering and heartbreak. She is representative of the end to all things. She declares this in her speech: all will be consumed, and she’s delighting in the thought.

(This is, of course, in perfect linkage with Lucifer’s arc this season: he’s breaking daddy’s toys and he just created the ultimate weapon of mass destruction, but I’m adding that as an aside. In the narrative of this episode Dagon is a representative of all Evil, not just the evil of Lucifer.)

Now, after Dagon has drained every last morsel of any possibility that hope might rekindle within Kelly, we witness one of the most horrifyingly realistic and absolutely amazingly shot and acted suicides I’ve ever seen on television. It has such cinematic quality, it’s so deeply sad and moving, that I again send out kudos, this time especially to the amazing Courtney Ford. Because wow, what a performance.

Now, the act of Kelly killing herself is tied into the overarching theme of the show: that of sacrificing yourself to save the world, to do what is right; but moreover it’s also tied to the S12 prevailing theme of parenthood. Kelly tells her son she’s sorry, she loves him, but she can’t allow him to be the cause of so much suffering - she’ll sooner kill them both. This is what Dagon’s words have brought her to: suicide.

Of course, the baby saves her life, only to have Dagon taunt Kelly’s newfound faith in her son - telling her that her son doesn’t want her alive, he saved her to save himself. He’ll kill Kelly when he’s born and then Dagon will raise him, nurture him, teach him to kill - like a mother should. Yup, there’s that parenthood theme again, now firmly tying itself with Dagon’s character arc. (I do believe this theme has been there in practically every single episode this season and I’ve been loving it.) (In case that hasn’t been made clear by previous posts.)

THE REUNION/MIXTAPE EXCHANGES

I’ve gone into deep-deconstruction mode on this already and won’t do so here, except to take a closer look at Cas and his motivations in this scene, and the following one with Dean and the (I still get so giddy at the very thought) mixtape.

We know what the brothers don’t: Cas has been approached by the angels to assist Heaven in tracking down Kelly Kline. So as soon as Cas delivers that line about going to the angels, thinking they might help with Dagon, we as the audience know he is lying, and that he’s clearly not back at the Bunker to ask Dean and Sam for help or even to be honest with them.

Cas is having to go behind their backs - and he’s distressed about it.

Damn is Misha good in this scene. Okay, back on track.

Cas can’t stand deceiving the people who trust him, and the fact that Dean is so pissed off with him doesn’t make things any easier, but Cas has to do this, because if he doesn’t, Dean or Sam will have to kill Kelly and her baby and he knows what that will do to them. Oh, he knows it very well, even before he asks Dean if the brothers could kill an innocent, because he knows that they’d never get over it.

This ties in with what Dean told him in that Let’s Have an Impromptu Lunch Date scene from 10x09, in which Dean tells Cas that some things you have to forget about, confessing to this being the opposite of what he does. So now, with Kelly Kline and her child, Cas can’t have that. He’s protecting Dean, and he’s protecting Sam, as he always has done. As he’s learned you’re supposed to do for the people you love, and he’s learned this from Dean, whom he considers a role model, someone who has always been the one to guide him through the human experience, advising and berating him in equal measure, but, more than anything else, showing him true loyalty and friendship.

Cas’ confession to Dean - honesty amidst the lying - says so much about what his mental state has been ever since he was told he was expendable in S11. He’s been carrying that feeling with him ever since then, he’s been low on energy for all of S12, feeling tired and despondent, and verbalising this when he tells Dean that he needed to come back with a win for him, then adding that extremely significant “for myself”, this moment, and this particular bit of Cas exposition, is so important for how the rest of the episode shapes up.

Because Cas’ starting point is all things Bad: duty is forcing him to lie to his friends, his family, in order to get that win, in order to do what’s right and protect the people he loves by making a choice for them. His hopelessness and willingness to selfless sacrifice is mirrored in Kelly’s attempted suicide: their character arcs’ starting points in the episode are the same, moving them onto a conjoined path of Good where they begin to share a need of protecting the baby. (No, they’re not brainwashed into it by.) (No, they’re not being controlled.) (Hang on, I’m getting to it, I promise.) (Okay, let’s skip ahead to...)

MOTEL ROOM EXCHANGE

Cas is now, in effect, acting as Kelly’s Captor. He is escorting Kelly - and her unborn child - to a place where both of them will die. He’s doing this because he believes it’s right - just as Dagon did - only Cas is Dagon’s complete Opposite. As demonstrated in this scene. 

Even before this, when Cas is telling Kelly his plan to take her to Heaven, where she and the baby will die, but peacefully, he’s still regretful, even though he’s more Castiel - soldier of the Lord - in that exchange than I believe we’ve seen him in quite some time. This because he has a determined mission, these are his imperatives, and this is his plan: this is Cas with a purpose. He states the facts to Kelly, in that scene in the truck, without much emotion or circumvention.

But then, this following exchange takes place in the motel room:

Kelly: Something happened to me, Castiel. I lost hope, I tried to… I killed myself. I slit my wrists. I died. And then… he saved me. He brought me back to life. Cas: That was the pulse. We felt that in Heaven. Kelly: His power. His soul surged through me and it was good. Pure. I feel-… I know he is good. Cas: Kelly, what your child did that’s testament to his power, but it’s not proof of some goodness. He needs you alive. Kelly: Maybe. Or maybe it was a miracle. Maybe everything that I’ve been through, everything that I still have to go through is happening for a reason. Maybe it’s part of some plan. Cas: No, it isn’t. I used to believe in a plan. I used to believe that I had some mission. But I have been through enough now to know that everyone is just winging it. Some of us quite badly. Lucifer - he’s just breaking toys, he’s sowing destruction and chaos and there is no grand purpose at work. And there’s no special role for you. When Lucifer took over Rooney’s body, I’m sorry, you were just there. Kelly: I know my baby can be good for this world. Cas: Kelly, if he’s born… That is not something you can survive. So even if you are right, and even if the worst isn’t inevitable, then who will care for him when you’re gone? Who? Who is strong enough to protect him and to keep him from evil influences and to keep him on the righteous path? …What? Kelly: He just kicked… Do you wanna? Cas: Oh… No. Kelly: It’s not a big deal, Castiel - he does it like ten times a day.

Let’s talk about this now. Let’s look at the words chosen for this exchange. Let’s YouTube the sucker and look at the scene again and really let all of the details sink in, especially with regards to how these two characters interact. 

Cas is quite stand offish when the scene begins and they’ve just entered the room. He’s a little impatient, annoyed at the error of the truck breaking down, at not knowing how to fix it (thinking of Dean Dean Dean), and - remembering what happened last time he let Kelly go to the restroom alone - he promptly escorts her out of the small bathroom and has her sit on the bed.

He then fetches her the water.

If there wasn’t a difference between him and Dagon before, this is where we really begin to notice it. In his Captor role, all he’s doing is done because he believes it’s right - just as Dagon did - and the fact that he’s taken up her cape becomes even clearer during his dialogue with Kelly, when he almost verbatim repeats Dagon’s words back at Kelly regarding her son: saving his mother’s life doesn’t prove the child is good, the child needs his mother alive in order to survive.

Kelly begins her rebuttal speech to this statement in an over-zealous, almost devout way - the same, nearly startling, conviction on her face that she had while speaking to Dagon about the baby having saved her life. This could be the look of someone under the influence of a supernatural being - but because of what comes after it, because of the dialogue chosen for these two characters, I believe this is the Good Mother showing her utter devotion to her child. She is not being influenced to convince Cas. 

Why not?

The answer actually lies within Cas’ speech to her about there not being any grand scheme afoot here, there is no plan, no greater purpose. He tries to bring Kelly down to the level he’s at with his faith, which is - after everything he’s been through - at zero. He tries to make her see reason, the way he’s been forced to. 

Because God has left. Actually, God left a very long time ago. Cas was never following God’s orders and the disillusionment this caused in him chipped away at every ounce of belief until he was left with this emptiness. Heaven may be more or less in order, but at what cost? Lucifer was let out of the cage because of a decision Cas made and managed to produce a nephilim on his watch so it’s little wonder Cas feels responsible. No wonder Cas needs Kelly to hear him. She will die either way and her baby? 

Oh, yes, here’s the clinch. This is it. This is the piece of dialogue that sealed it for me. Cas says:

Cas: Who is strong enough to protect him and to keep him from evil influences and to keep him on the righteous path?

And not only is it that the dialogue makes use of that incredibly significant word “righteous”, but even more than that is it the action that follows it - when the baby kicks.

I yelped at the mention of the word “righteous” because not only is it another callback, but it takes us all the way back to 4x16, and Cas telling Dean that line of dialogue of how the righteous man who began it is the one who will end it. Yes, it was all a rouse to get Dean to become Michael’s vessel. The dick angels played Dean and they played Cas and this is where Team Free Will really began. But see? This is where Team Free Will really began.

To Cas, Dean has always been The Righteous Man because Cas could see what the others couldn’t. That’s why he beat Dean up in that alley - because he knew Dean was better than that. And what if - it’s a big if - but what if Kelly’s right and Cas is wrong believing there isn’t a plan? It doesn’t take away Free Will. It just means that to reach the end result of the plan - which, to me, is endgame represented in a balance between Heaven, Hell and Earth - the people entrusted with this task need to make the right choices. They need to have faith, show trust in each other and work together.

But I’m getting ahead of myself, into the conjecture part of the proceedings. I apologise.

As if making me yelp by bringing up the word “righteous” wasn’t enough, then the look on Cas’ face when he places his hand on Kelly’s stomach made my heart ache for him. This is Cas as we’ve come to know him, someone who loves and is in awe of humanity, and how it can create life. That smile is something we’ve never seen on Cas’ face before. 

He’s more human than angel in this moment.

And this is what the baby responds to when it shows Kelly a flash of the future: I would assume it’s Lucifer rising, Cas stepping in front of Kelly saying “You stay away from her”. Cas, in complete contrast to Dagon, who thought of Kelly as disposable waste, is protecting the baby’s mother. This is why the baby now chooses Castiel. It happens in this moment. Cas goes from being Captor, to being Protector.

THE WINCHESTERS

All I’m going to put in here, because this scene of the brothers arriving to the motel room will be tackled in the 12x20 meta I’ll start working on tomorrow (I hope) (Fuck, it’s midnight.) (Okay.) (Yeah, I won’t finish that this weekend. Grr.) But what I’m going to add in here is Kelly’s attitude to the Winchesters:

Kelly: Sam and Dean, they want to take away his power because they’re scared.

This line of dialogue is delivered as Cas and Kelly have stolen the Impala and revved out of the motel parking lot. In this scene Cas learns that the baby has chosen him. He tries to tell Kelly that he’s not fit to protect her, in dialogue restating for the third time in this episode how useless he thinks he is.

Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again.

But I have been through enough now to know that everyone is just winging it. Some of us quite badly.

I am not someone that you should put your faith in, Kelly.

And Kelly responds with this:

Kelly: I don’t know why it’s me, and I don’t know why it’s you, but I know that we are destined for something here. Something great. Cas: I wish I had your faith. Kelly: You will.

They start out in the same place this episode: faithless. But Kelly, through her son soul surging through her - a power felt even in Heaven - saving her life, now has complete faith, and puts some of it, if not all of it, in Cas being the right choice. She trusts him implicitly. In a sense, she steps in as his spirit guide. She has good cause to trust him, too - even though he’s taking her to Heaven to die: he didn’t kill her in cold blood, he went with the diplomatic route by allowing her to choose. He went with the route of Free Will. 

Cas has always been a representation of what is Good in humanity: love, loyalty, perseverance, selflessness.

Even in his darkest moments, those moments have only come about because of these staple traits to his character. And his inability to involve others in his choices - which is inspired by who again? Oh, yes, that’s right - Dean Winchester’s inability to involve others in his choices, Dean making choices for those he loves, always feeling and always carrying that weight of the world that makes everything and everyone his responsibility. Is it any wonder then, that Cas is forever trying to share in the burden? All he’s ever done since placing his hand on Dean in Hell has been to try and help Dean. But unfortunately, this need has never lead Cas to anything but catastrophe - because he needs to root the need in his own wants and needs, not what he believes Dean wants and needs from him.

So, leaving Destiel (told you there’d be a touch of love in this post) I’ll restate as a short reminder:

Dagon represents Evil Castiel represents Goodness

Let me say it once more time, because it hones into the point I want to make (you know, the one about the goodness of Lucifer’s son): Cas and Dagon are each other’s mirror Opposites in this narrative and it’s so extremely well-written I can barely even stand it. Seriously. I’m like wringing my hands and pulling on my hair over here, my brain crackling like I’m going absolutely mental over it. (I kind of am.)

The Evil one starts out on a power trip believing she is destined to rule all, next to Lucifer, while the Good one starts out feeling lost and powerless. Can you see how they built this narrative into an X? The Evil and the Good meeting in the middle, where Cas gets his hands on Kelly, and Dagon is left being screamed at by her now finally terrifying again - even though he’s still chained up - boss from Hell? And how the narrative again splits as we move towards that final scene and Castiel spreading his proverbial feathered wings? Oh, there is such glory here I now want to cry. (Not really.) (Yeah, kinda really, actually.)

WWCD

Now we come to the root of the matter. We come to that thing that makes me believe, more than anything else in this episode, that this baby is good. 

If the fact that Dagon so clearly represents Evil that will Destroy the Universe and Cas so clearly represents everything that is Opposite to this (i.e. the future) isn’t enough to convince you, then let me tackle Cas’ character development in this laser-focused narrative of one episode. Let me tell you how I have waited, and waited, for Cas to get his comeuppance. Ever since that heartbreaking moment in 11x10 when first his own angelic sister, and then this woman who has bewitched the man he loves, told Cas that he was expendable, what little self-worth he’d gathered over the years, whatever belief in his own capabilities, just drained from him completely.

We all saw it.

It was so goddamn painful to watch, and it has so clearly lingered, like something heavy, ever since Lucifer was exorcised from him in 11x22. (The fact that Dean couldn’t open up in that damned (beautiful) Brologue in 11x23 didn’t help the matter.) 

As for Cas and Dean this season, which has been such an influence on Cas’ character arc - as ever it was - it has been intriguing and exciting to watch the undercurrent of unspoken things between them. There has been such a snappy annoyance there, practically every time they’ve been in the same room together, that it’s been entertaining and gorgeously frustrating at the same time. The UST has been thick enough to cut through with a dull knife, especially on Dean’s part, where Jensen’s body language has just gotten tenser and tenser as the season has progressed. (And then there’s the Rock Star Leather Jacket of Sex moment.) (After Dean serenades Cas on the guitar, of course.) (All look at me, look at me, I’m not just a lumberjack, I’ll sing songs, I’ll sing songs.) (I love this show.) 

Cas has been mostly confounded by it all, mirroring Dean’s annoyance and feeling, more than ever, like he doesn’t belong. Like there’s no place for him anywhere. So that heavy feeling has progressively gotten worse. And when he picked up that angel blade and killed Billie, that choice was riding on the back of walking into that fight with Lucifer, not caring for his own safety in the least. Because this is the thing: Cas sees himself as the hammer. He sees himself as the expendable first wave, clearing the way for the real heroes, because this is his deepest fear pertaining to his character arc: that this is all he is to the brothers and, furthermore, that this is all he is capable of being.

The first half of this season (and most of S11) was heavily focused on this for Cas’ character arc. He has lost all faith in himself after making all those horrendous choices that have gotten angels and humans killed, that has devastated Heaven. Not only has he been labeled expendable, but, especially this season, he’s been called the Winchesters’ purse dog, attack dog - dog, dog, dog. This, I feel, is to demonstrate the role he has assigned himself in their dynamic: the hammer and the shield. It’s a vicious fearful circle because he plays the part afraid that if he doesn’t there is no place for him with the brothers, not seeing that neither brother expects him to play this part. (As demonstrated over and over this season, and finally coming to a head in 12x12 where the brothers, at last, take a stand for him and show him that he is truly one of them. Only... there is still that one thing missing, of course. But I shan’t digress!) 

What this episode does, with such amazingly even beats, is not only remind us of Cas’ past - which is why it’s so wonderfully Destiel heavy, fitting perfectly with Dean’s character arc and furthering their joint love story arc in what is nothing short of writing gold - but this episode also tells us of where Cas is at right now: that soldier of Heaven who blazed into Dean’s life with the confidence, the arrogance, of someone who knows they work for God himself, that soldier left Cas a long time ago.

He’s learned that there is no reason to have faith, because no one is watching over you. You’re on your own. What he needs to be reminded of is that, though this may be true, this means, more than anything, that you should have faith in yourself.

And this is what his character arc has been all about. From the very first. Choosing Free Will does not mean throwing yourself headfirst into impossible situations, it does not mean sacrificing yourself without a thought for the consequences, it does not mean taking all the responsibility on yourself, always. Free Will simply means asking yourself “What do I want?” And Cas has never once done that. Cas needs to find his way into his own individuality, into his own self. As mentioned, he’s been so lost because all he’s ever done is relate himself to Dean and what Dean might need or want from him. This is as stunting as the brothers’ codependency. Cas loves Dean, but Dean cannot be his only reason to feel love, because that will keep Cas from growing as a person. 

So how can Cas grow as a person then? Well, Dean is human and yes, he does represent humanity, but Cas has watched over humanity since long before Dean was born. Cas’ love for humanity itself - his deep awe of his father’s creation is what is now giving Cas - through this baby - a sense of purpose that isn’t tied to Dean. (And still is tied to Dean. I know, this narrative is so deliciously complex.) Cas wants to help. He’s restated that over and over and over again. This is his foremost motivation: to help and to protect. He isn’t a hammer and he isn’t an attack dog. And this is why the baby chose him as its mother’s Protector.

It’s very telling to me how Kelly consistently calls Cas “Castiel”. She never once calls him Cas, which is quite unusual. Even characters that only share one scene with him have reverted, since early on, to calling him Cas rather than Castiel. We’ve had callbacks to Castiel through Ishim and through Kelvin this season, so is there any wonder that, when Dean watches Cas get powered up, all Dean can see is Castiel? And is there any wonder this freaks him the hell out? Nope. Remembering that badass, fucking terrifying, celestial being who was completely unreliable and unpredictable I would say there is no wonder whatsoever.

FULL-FEATHERED ANGEL

That final scene. Oh, that final scene of the episode. 

Here I would say that Cas passes a final test with flying colours when he confronts Dagon - a Prince of Hell - with nothing but an angel blade, stepping in front of Kelly with a “You stay away from her”, echoing the words he spoke in the flash of the future the baby showed Kelly in the motel room. He will fight and he will die if it means protecting the Good Mother from the Bad Mother. The Protector will shield mother and baby from the Captor - who stands for nothing but suffering. The baby, convinced, works through Kelly and restores Cas’ powers so that Cas will be able to protect them to his absolute fullest capabilities.

Cas is Castiel once more.

Sam: What was that? Cas: It was me. But it was also…

This, I believe, is the beginning of “the better way”. I believe the baby sets them all on a course down the better way, towards a series ending that will have everything to do with balance, but I’ll jot my thoughts down on endgames and such in another post. This one is already balking under the word count. ;)

Now, I say “Cas is Castiel” - but what I mean is that, of course, he’s still Cas. Like he even says himself: “It was me.” The difference is that, this time, instead of lacking faith, instead of fearing making the wrong choice, as he has done on so many other occasions when shouldering the weight of the world, he knows now what has to be done, and he knows - because he believes, finally, in himself - that this is the right thing to do. This will bring peace, this will bring balance, this child is innocent and as long as he’s kept from Lucifer he will grow up good. And it will change everything for the better.

This moment - this reward, this win - for Cas’ choices throughout the episode, is what the story arc has been moving towards. He began convinced mother and baby had to die for the greater good, and now he knows that for the good to be great, the baby must live. This, again, reflects Kelly’s journey in that opening scene and their mutual tie to the baby loops around Cas with the theme of parenthood, which has already been explored in his character arc through Claire and his need to make amends for taking Jimmy from her.

This further’s my conviction that, in a season dealing with Good Parents vs Evil Parents, this Good Parent coupling (don’t worry, I don’t mean that in a sexual way, simply a spiritual way) underlines the fact that the baby is not controlling them. It’s clearly influencing them, showing them flashes of what can be if they make the right choices and sure, this could be construed as it lying to them, manipulating them, and that the twist will be that we’re lulled into a sense of security, but the baby turns out to have been evil all along, but it doesn’t fit with the tone of the episode or Cas’ deeply personal and profound character evolution he’s afforded for making the right choice.

There’s also the visual of the white light that is mingling with the hellfire in Cas eyes as he kills Dagon...

...and how the baby used Cas to kill her: the baby wasn’t protecting itself, the baby was always protecting its mother. I’ll restate that the parenthood theme throughout the season has dictated that the Bad, Negligent, Selfish, Evil Parent is dealt with: this type of parenting is inadvisable, to say the least. (And it goes so brilliantly with Dean’s character arc and his need to settle everything with the past in order to move into his brighter future that I can’t even.)

Dagon’s speech to Kelly about how her son was going to be raised by Dagon into killing everything, I believe, sealed Dagon’s fate and helps to underline my point: this child does not want to kill everything. It does not want to kill its mother. There is love in this child already. And why shouldn’t there be? It’s grandfather is God himself, the child has angel grace in it, it’s just as linked to Heaven as it is to Hell, and more than that, of course, it is a product of humanity. 

(And this is why it’s powerful enough to oversee all three and bring order to the chaos of this world, where angels were never meant to walk among humans and where demons are running amok. I don’t think it’s by chance that Dagon refers to the baby as “the god inside you” to Kelly. This child has the power to be the new God - but he would be so with faith in his grandfather’s creation, and an iron fist for those that disobey him.) (I could discuss Chuck’s shortcomings as a father and how that has lead to the creation of this nephilim to begin with, but not here. Nope.)

I want this scenario so badly now that I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s such a glorious loop back to how this all began. With Azazel and Sam, with Dean and the 66 seals, with Lucifer like this dark shadow over both their lives, over the lives of their parents, and Chuck somewhere in the peripheral, the angels always watching, and here we now come upon the final confrontation and it’s all just tying up into a beautiful tapestry of perfection. WRITERS I LOVE YOU. EVEN IF I’M COMPLETELY WRONG, I SHOULD ADD. *shouty*

What about that final moment between Cas and the brothers? What about that final shot of the brothers knocked out and Cas and Kelly driving away? Ominous anyone? Well. No, actually. I take other things from it, because here’s what leads up to it. 

Cas: You’re hurt.

I mean. Do I even really need to comment on this moment? There’s such tenderness here, such sudden intimacy, and I feel it bodes well. Cas has gotten his mojo back and with it he feels more himself than he has in a long time. I believe returning to his angelic form is imperative for Cas to choose to become human, but I’ll explore that in my spec post. Back to the scene...

Because then:

Dean: Cas? Are you okay? Cas: I am. I’ve been so lost. I’m not lost anymore. I know now this baby must be born, with all of his power. Sam: You can’t actually mean that. Cas: Yes, I do. I have faith.

And then:

Cas: You have to just trust me.

And then:

Dean: No, no, no, whatever that thing did to you we’re not gonna let you just walk away.

Especially Dean’s comment is what is important to me here, because not only does he protest three times with those repeated “no”s, but he also calls the child “that thing” and unequivocally hints that the brothers are going to fight to keep Cas there. So Cas knocks them out, because he’s leaving and where he’s going they can’t come with him. Especially if they’re going to refer to the child as a “thing”. Sorry, Dean, lights out for you.

Cas asks the brothers to trust him. Okay, he more or less tells them to, but he does it with an ease about him. As though he expects them to, because he knows he’s trustworthy and because he knows he’s right this time around. Bringing up trust in this moment, to me, is also significant, because Cas is trusting himself for the first time in a long time, and he wants that trust reciprocated. Team Free Will. When they don’t, not only does he make the decision of proceeding alone, he also knocks them out to protect them, to keep them from following, because what’s another glaring detail that hints toward Cas being Cas is that Cas - again underlined as the Opposite of Dagon - does not zap Kelly and him out of there.

Instead, they get in the truck - you know, the truck that Dean fixed with his own bare hands...

...and they drive off.

The mournful tune at the end signals, to me, that FOR FUCK’S SAKE AGAIN YOU GUYS CAN’T JUST GET YOUR HEAD’S OUT OF YOUR ASSES AND WORK TOGETHER IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TEAM FREE WILL! Then again, maybe that’s me projecting my frustration. :)

Either way, I’m not worried now. I believe the team will reassemble in the season finale.

So, in conclusion, these are all the reasons why I believe the baby is Good and that we are headed good places. Through hellfire and death and tons and tons of worry, of course.

Thanks, as ever, for your time and your patience!