#this is a tumblr exclusive bc i dont wanna post on ig rn

[jaasvandha]

Had to experiment with different lighting scenarios for an assignment

[ch99rry]

damn bro that was the fattest mistake ive made lately

idk how much of what im feeling rn is really just pms but like??? i got the sudden urge to see what my friends have been up to on social media and stuff bc for idk the past month or two ive just been exclusively using tumblr and snap (bc i didnt wanna break my streaks...)

and i mean it doesnt seem like anyone’s been overly active ig but idk even just seeing posts and comments and interactions between everyone is making me not feel good lmaoo ;;;; like i know its selfish of me to be behaving like this, purposefully distancing myself, as if that’ll solve my problem, while seeing everyone interact as normal and using that to justify my irrational fear that they all dont like me at all and are glad to be rid of me... i know that this isnt healthy and i clearly know what steps i have to take in order to better myself and put my own healing at top priority, but idk im just super scared???

like ive thought about what i would say to everyone once i all of a sudden step back into their lives and everything i come up with just doesnt sound right... like why would i even be coming back after all this time? i just feel like no matter what i do, things will end up being awkward.... and it scares me to be vulnerable at all... idk if i dont trust them.... idk if its bc i have trust issues in general...

lol i always do this... like distancing myself from ppl... and then i always regret it and always think “man i really shouldnt do that next time” AND THEN I DO IT AGAIN AHDFLGHL

man it doesnt rlly help that i dont rlly have anyone to talk to abt the way i feel.... like i cant even find a therapist to stick with lmaooo... the last lady was kinda rlly homophobic and kinda kept forcing heteronormativity on me.... she also kept trying to relate to my forgetfulness by talking abt her own forgetfulness as if what im experiencing is nothing more than that lmao.... she didnt even take notes......

god on top of all of this i keep getting costar notifications that basically keep reminding me of my friendship issues and it makes me feel horrible lmaoo like bitch im sorry i cant readily take the step to be vulnerable with my friends and reach out to them please stop telling me the same thing ;;;;;

shits kinda hit the fan for me emotionally and i cant even go to sleep so i can just sleep this off bc i was dumb and decided to have an energy drink bc i wanted to see if taeyong would do a bday vlive lmao