#this is a tangent now but I just wanna say this wasn't me being annoying digging for info the DM didn't want to give me

[blujayonthewing]

at level ten, if felix holds still, his passive perception is 31

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

Thoughts on Joker as an optional boss in P3R

.........................................snrk.

Wow....just....wooooow wowowowowowowooooow. Wow. Woof. Omg. Wow.

"Silly salt incoming?" Yes but in a "At this point I'm not even fucking surprised. Just wow!" type of salt

"Are you mad cause it's Joker/P5 related?" I mean like...yes and no?

"No?" I'm not inherently against him being an optional boss. I'm all for past characters coming back. Is it a biiiiit annoying it seems to be ONLY P5 related? Yeah. But like, that's because it seems to ONLY be P5. If it was P5 IN ADDITION to something else, I really wouldn't bat an eye. Like how I didn't for P3/4MCs in P5R (Sad they drew the line at those two only, but....hey. At least we got SOMETHING)

"Then what's the yes?" Besides weird timeline bullshit, which I'm sure they'll have an explanation (or at this rate I hope so). It's just....

I find it funny.......how the devs want to hide behind.... "keeping the original spirit alive" or some bullshit like that. As a means to tell certain fans why we can't have certain things in this game.

I mean, should I be surprised? They removed key features of the original game despite saying that. Yet still tried to hide behind that narrative. "Oh no it's more like Vanilla P3!....except for the FES stuff WE want still.....oh, and using a lot of P3P's stuff too-" I mean.....still funny they wanna hide behind that narrative. All that considered.

Sorry, that was a side tangent. Joker fight only now. Ok.

I find it funny they wanna hide behind that narrative....and then put Joker, a P5 character, THAT WASN'T IN THE ORIGINAL GAME, into the DLC. Just....huh. Interesting.

Just....didn't think to, you know, put a different character in the game? A legacy one. Maybe P1MC? With the whole Tartarus shared scenario and Nyx scenario? No?

Or maybe Tatsuya/Maya? I mean, P2 and P3 have a lot of overlapping parallels. Greek theme, dual MCs, sun and moon themes to name a few. Orpheus in some mythos being Apollo's child.... A real passing of the torch vibe when it comes to P2 going to P3 tbh.

Oh! Or you know, having them face Labby or Sho! They had them as DLC in P3D, plus it would've been PERFECT! We could've had all 3 P3 themed robo girls in ONE GAME! :D Plus they already have working models for them! They'd just need to update them.

Or......you know. They could've gone with the obvious one? Esp if timeline/space bullshit isn't an issue. One that would've been both a narrative AND mythos driven gut punch. They could've gone with FeMC! :D

"Oh but we can't have her in the game, it'll take up too much time and mone-" It's one model for a boss fight. (ʘ‿ʘ) One. Model. We don't even need to account for her Personas because they already have models. Just one model, for a boss fight, with certain animations tied to that. "But money" oh noooooo a company has to make one model with certain animations for a fight and not a whole story mode? Whatever shall they do? Where will they get the time and money to do one model with fight animations? :( :( :( :( :( (/sarcasm)

"But would fans really like-" Yes. We are asking for crumbs. Literally the bare minimum they could've done.

I'm starting to think that they are allergic to her. Cause why else are they dodging her like Neo dodges bullets? TT0TT

"You ok Silly?" Yeah I'm fine. I'm annoyed. Not even pissed. Just....."yeah this is what I expected" and moved on. But I had a feeling I should make a post about it so I came back. >_> Literally took me a few hours to realize the bs after seeing it drop kjaskfdl My first reaction was "yeah sounds about right" THEN after a few hours I was like "wait a minute....." jklsadjfkal

If anything, the need for Atlus to hire a new PR manager for BOTH Jpn and West is just becoming more apparent. I mean they've needed it for years now but ooof please someone save them. save me TT0TT

Tldr; I don't care Joker is in the game because it's P5/Joker. I'm not against him being in the game. I'm just FOR other things ALSO being in the game. And I find it weird they draw the line at other things but then choose Joker???? So weird. :/

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary109

12/31/2023

sunday

new year's eve is okay.

we were invited out but couldn't / can't go, since my gf is sick. that's okay because i feel ugly today and don't want to go outside ever again. there was another shooting today on the strip/ around the mgm, i guess maybe not actually a shooting, just a man going crazy and firing a gun into the air, a poker player, a guy who did some pro stuff i guess, even. nobody died, hopefully no one was injured by the bullets as they came back to earth or whatever. idk how 'in the air' he shot them really, maybe just vaguely towards the sky, instead of directly up. he probably hit some kind of losing streak. the big vegas shooting, the one in the mandalay bay, happened for likely similar reasons. that guy wasn't a pro but it probably had something to do with gambling, maybe not even losing, maybe something to do with not being comped. that's at least my favorite theory, i hate the people who talk about conspiracies with that one. all those annoying people who say 'no motivation' or whatever, it's basically proven at this point that human life as something that happens on its own terms instead of by a law one projects, and life outside that valuation process, is utterly meaningless and gives anyone license to kill anyone. think of all the incel shooters, the shooters consumed by irreal fantasies, adam lanza wanting to 'save' kids from suffering so killing them. that is the essential pulsion, i think.

the end of this year has given me lots of reasons to be unhappy, i am going to sleep before the year is in i think, i'm already tired, i feel sick too.

2024 is going to be fine. this year was fine. probably good. i don't know. it was another year i was alive. that's all. maybe not. i love my girlfriend, we've lived together this whole year. she made me travel with her, which was nice except for when it wasn't.

what right do i have to complain at all though, i didn't pay anything for any of that. i am such a stupid bitch honestly.

today i learned about a fashion designer from 2009 who made clothes that i think are cute who seems to have gone insane. his name is paul griffiths, his brand was babycakes, his website is totally insane.

the book seems like it's entirely nonense, the guy is into annunaki alien conspiracy stuff, he's like way into rishi sunak on twitter it seems like. i don't find it annoying, that stuff, it just makes me really sad. maybe it's because of this video from 8 years ago.

there's parts in this vid that make me feel something terrible, like when he talks about not wanting to ever go outside, and how he's okay with just going crazy in isolation, then he begins going on this tangent about how you have to be truly kind, and how he's failed himself in that, and then he talks about how he hates the times where he's hidden behind a character and coldness instead of being himself and being kind. and then he launches into a thing about genetically altering human dna to correct human evolution.

it seems like his brand was doing really well in the whole like, i wanna say 06-09 period, and up to 2014 he seems like he was pretty normal, even in the vids from 2015 where he's not freestyling while watching himself obsessively build in minecraft he seems lucid. even now he seems lucid, he just seems to get lost in these pretty schizoid/delusional things, that whole kind of conspiracy spiritualism got to him like it did a lot of millennials it seems like. really depressing to see. it's good to remember how that happened though, it helps put a damper on nostalgic revisionism, to treat this stuff like it truly died, or something. even the aesthetic he was doing in 06 and onwards, that whole thing still lives on in like meow wolf big room edm bro psychedelia. it's sad because i half like the stuff that fomented all that, the super weird japanese pop art inflected stuff, harajuku excess and so on. it's so ugly/frustrating where that all ended up, the big brostep festival edm world, all the cool music that came from that weird nexus too, absorbed by that, where metalcore warped tour bros absorbed electronic music, creating some of the worst aesthetic strains we still are around today. that stuff is ignorable maybe, for some people, but it's still all around out here.

here are his clothes/the photoshoots he did for his clothes that i found on his blog, which is here:

here's something i read on the blog that made me want to cry just now:

"im gonna be meeting Panic at the disco tomorrow and ill be at the show in Manchester. ill get them to wear Babycakes with the silly outfits that they wear ;D

business is going crazy. greg got a hair cut today. BCthelabel is going well, you will all hear lots about that soon :D kyle is amazingly hot ;] Mummy and Daddy are splitting up but ive got my mum a cute new house :D

Rawr!

I love taking photos…

This is where i work, I employ all my best friends and my mum."

the falling off and going crazy after reaching this kind of high is devastating, he really was featured in all kinds of magazines and stuff, he went to warped tour to promo his clothes. anyways the clothes and stuff:

it's such an annoying and particular thing the brand did, but i am into some of it, there's this one rainbow shirt that i think is really cute but i probably just want that because it reminds me of the some girls album art. the site also has some other crazy stuff on it, he's made little games, apps, one thing is a whole drawing app, one thing is like this mental clone of minecraft he made.

it all makes me feel like this song:

the ugly cheap synth stuff, oh to add to it, paul is super obsessed w/ chiptune stuff, which i'm super into, anyway, that ugly cheap synth and then the dirty feeling of the song, the bombed out remains of 2008 still living. too many cultural images in my head informed by american apparel. right now i'm wearing american apparel thigh highs. isn't that fucked. no matter what i'm going to be someone obsessed with always being skinnier, trying to figure out ways to be pretty, seeking eyes on me while hating it always too. i'm so sick with my own self. ugh.

all the reading i've been doing is obviously related to that. but i wonder about how that stuff condemns basically, how much of this is anyone's responsibility, any of the cultural images i take up are given to me, yeah, but i can't tell if they're happy gifts, gifts i received happily and only realized later, or i know that's not the case, these were things i'm stuck with, or stuck to, given to me because they seemed to be the only things i really responded to. weird skinny girls, and like 8 year old me, seeing that, thinking, that's something to tether myself to. it spoke to every negative thing, rather than being a fantasy of 'womanhood' or whatever, like terfs or gender critical people would put it. the only thing that made sense of my disolcation or whatever.

back to paul, now he's also really into ai stuff, generating women (really they look like kids but i don't know if that's his fault or something the ai does when he tries to get it to generate people) wearing clothes that look related to the brand and putting the logo on the pictures. i don't think it's false advertising, he's just fallen for another scam.

it's the end of the year, and i'm just thinking about this.

this year really has had beautiful moments for me, going to japan with my gf, or my gf taking me, my gf taking me to chicago and me us getting to stay with a long time online friend, us staying out really late, us just being in this apartment, me cooking for her. i want to cook every night, i want to get back to that, the fact i'm not makes me feel sick. like i want to do something bad to myself, i don't know why i'm feeling so fucked up right now.

all of reality is queasy, lo and behold this song:

and i am tired. tomorrow i am going to listen to my album again, and see what now needs correction, and see if there's anything i want to delete, but i don't think i'll be looking to delete anything off the album. we'll see though.

anyway i really am getting tired. happy new years, and

byebye!!!!!!!!!

[aforest2006remaster]

when i first read the catcher in the rye in high school i was having one of the worst mental health years of my life and i was hanging by a thread. i was suicidal and suffering academically because of severe depression and undiagnosed adhd. so needless to say reading about this sixteen year old boy being kicked out of school for the fourth (?) time and having a total mental breakdown in the aftermath was something that really resonated with me.

of course i identified with holden. he was a mentally ill teenager. he was flunking out of school. he couldn't keep up with the expectations society set out for him and at the same time he was just starting to realize society was falling short of the expectations he had set out for it as an idealistic child.

what i got out of that first reading, essentially, can really be summed up by this quote directly from the text:

"[Y]ou’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now.”

in other words, that i wasn't alone.

but reading it from the perspective of someone in their early 20s gives a much different message. and i'm sure it'll be different when i reread it at 30, and 40, and so on. this time around what really stood out to me were the lengths that holden went to in order to cope with his struggles - some of his favored coping mechanisms being exactly why some people find catcher in the rye so hard (or even annoying) to read.

his obsession with and avoidance of people he deems ingenuine or hypocritical. the way he avoids emotional vulnerability by pushing away the people who care about him. the way he blames others for the consequences of his own actions. his refusal to consider other points of view. his scrambled tone and tendency to go on tangents. his immaturity and the way he clings to childhood.

the whole way through i just wanted to help the damn kid. as an adult reading between the lines it's so apparent now that catcher in the rye is holden's (concealed) cry for help. and it really does reinforce my distaste for people who write him off as a whiny rich boy.

of course he's not a perfect person. he's not supposed to be a role model. he's not supposed to be your best friend. but he can be someone you identify with and whose shortcomings you can use to understand where you can grow.

if you were forced to read the book in school and skimmed the text and all you got from it is "ugh i hated that book the main character was such a spoiled douchebag and all he did is complain" - i think it might be worth taking another crack at it, and maybe you'll get more out of it this time. or not. up to you.

but if you look at holden and think, wow! this guy is so cool, he's got it exactly right! i want to be just like him!

or wow! holden is just like me! surely there is nothing wrong wih that! - then you might wanna dig a little deeper too, cause you're missing the point.

i'm not really sure how to end this post since it's kind of been a stream of consciousness but i guess what i'm trying to say is read and reread books every once in a while and use critical thinking. and get a library card.

[fictionkinfessions]

(Im sorry this got so long mpc, need to stop writing whole ass mems in the askbox via train of thought..)

I don't want to believe it. I really dont. I dont wanna believe this memory. But my brain wont give me any other possibilities for how I got my facial scar. I didnt even think I had the damn thing 'til I was doing an edit of myself the other day.. And now I'm bombarded with this-

Im.

Kaeya was just supposed to be this annoying uncle who kept comparing me to Diluc and teasing the hell outta me. He wasn't supposed to- Wasnt supposed to hurt me. Even by accident. (which YES it was an accident and I do not hold it against him).

I just wanna forget I ever remembered it but its attached to such an important memory I can't.

I was mad. I was UPSET. Kaeya was about to do something terrible and I was PISSED. I was protective. Of the quiet wanderer girl I had been befriending in the library for probably 2 weeks at that point.

I snooped in the knights business more than I should have and I KNEW Kaeyas fucking horrible plan. To provoke Collei. To try and make her look bad to Amber, or possibly kill her in the process? All over some stupid fucking diplomats.

And SURE I was 14, it was stupid of me to try and step in and talk some sense into him to begin with, for all I knew I had misunderstood what was going on. I dont fucking know but god damnit we all know Im PROTECTIVE.

So I got mad. I yelled at him, I tried to stop him, and he did what any adult would, tell me Im a kid, I dont get whats going on, blah blah.

But you know what I DID get? What I DID understand? That Collei was MY AGE. We were 14 during the webcomic events. That if Kaeya was willing to provoke Collei for wrong doings? To not even try to question her? To just take her out as if she were a grown adult? Then what would he have done if I did something wrong. Would he have done the same to me? The boy he had taken care of as a baby? Had watched grow up?

What was the difference there, Kaeya? You kept trying to tell me it was different but I STILL dont get what was different!! That you didnt know her? That she was sick? That she was used by the Fatui? I dont see how any of that changed the situation!

Im- Sorry for the tangent- Back on track-

He turned to leave, he was always kinda bad at listening to me. Or really being able to say anything when he knew I was right. It was just never on topics this important before.

So I lunged at him. As a final last ditch effort to stop him.

And Im still not totally sure how it happened- It all happened so fast I struggle to remember how exactly his blade struck my face. Or if a shot of cryo did it instead? I'm not sure what cut my cheek but it was bitter cold. It hurt. It stung. It was certainly cold enough to kill many cells on impact, it was a bitch to heal afterwards-

And he didnt seem to realize he had done it til it was too late. Until I had backed off and I was holding my cheek trying to not scream too loudly.

He immediately tried to apologize. To offer help. But understandably I was pissed. I was furious. I was hurt and betrayed by the closest man I ever had to a father. So I yelled at him some more.

"FINE, BACK OFF! GO KILL HER IF THATS WHAT YOU WANT! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

I think I ran off to exit the headquarters through the back. I had to climb over the training ground walls but I didnt even care. Probably left a small trail of blood if Im gonna be honest.

If memory serves I went straight to Dawn Winery. To Diluc. Mom and the other knights were busy with the festival.. I-I don't know I wasnt really thinking. I just knew Diluc would understand my concerns.

I guess Dilucs near silent offers to shelter me should I need to get away from the knights. To be there for me if I ever needed him. None of it was in vain. Because I did need him sometimes. I don't know what fully came of the situation but I can't imagine the talk those two likely had was a pretty one.

But he patched me up. Calmed me down. I didn't usually get that emotional. It was tiring. I can't remember if I stayed at the winery for the night or if I went home. But I was back to favonius hq the next day-

And Collei was safe. A few small injuries. But she was safe. She was alive. And Amber was still right by her side.

And I can only assume Kaeya listened to me.

So I guess it was worth it. I don't care what happens to me, whatever pain I have to endure, as long as the people I care about are okay it will always be worth it.

Always.

~Razor Minci 🕯♟

'

[margokesses]

what annoys me about the whole Captain America twitter account is the people under the tweet being like 'oh its just promotion don't get defensive' but where was the promotion when it was Sam? the account wasn't changed in 2019 after Endgame even though we knew he was taking up the shield, it wasn't even changed to promote his own show this year, it was changed what a week after it ended? What If...? isn't even out yet and its already been changed? how is that fair?

I'm also sick of seeing Peggy Carter on my screen as well tbh but you can't say that without getting a load of shit

Side tangent - I have an icky feeling that after the show finishes we're going to be overloaded with "Captain Carter" merch when all we got for TFATWS was the title card slapped onto a t shirt that I could probably make myself

No you're right!! Like I'm p sure they changed the account to sam the weekend his episode aired. But even then there wasn't many tweets/promo with it.

And now they wanna promote the hell out of peggy carter when they could explore so much more other possibilities?? This show is literally about expanding the multiverse and they wanna bring back someone who's story as already ended?? Give me a faiza hussain story!! Give me an Isaiah bradley story!! Give me a sharon carter story!! They could literally be doing anything else with the captain america/britan storyline!! Its not just peggy!!

Send me asks

[mccnglade]

many reasons; dazai osamu

DAZAI OSAMU X READER

In hindsight, you should have realised that running after Dazai was not a good decision on your part...

WORD COUNT: 1.8K words

WARNINGS: mentions of suicide, abuse (not reader's), angst (if you squint), fluffy ending. MILD SPOILERS FOR BUNGO STRAY DOGS SEASON 3

(e/c) - eye color

A/N: sorry if the formatting is a bit wonky!! i'm posting this on mobile because tumblr doesn't work on my stupid, old laptop.

this fic is really super, self-indulgent because dazai is my favorite in bsd and i love when situations like the one in this one shot happen in anime, so i combined the two things and wrote this. this was actually going be a scene in a dazai fic i'm thinking of posting on my wattpad, but i decided to scrap it and write it as a oneshot. i hope you all enjoy reading this!!

Also shoutout to @neonghxst who wanted me to finish this one shot hehe. thanks to her, i got the inspiration to actually write this and finish it.

"Are you sure we should have left him like that?"

You fiddled with the ends of your coat sleeves. Upon hearing about Atsushi's new case and the end result, you immediately wanted to give the boy a hug and never let him go. He had been through so much these past few weeks and hearing about the death of that abusive headmaster of his old orphanage must have been incredibly painful.

But Dazai had promptly pulled you away, after saying exactly what needed to be said. (He always knew what to say in any kind of situation and that made you feel jealous a lot of times)

"Things like that are meant to be dealt with alone. Atsushi-kun will manage," Dazai answered with a cool tone. "You worry too much, (Y/N)-chan."

He tried to ruffle your hair but you slapped his hand away with a huff.

"I have every right to worry, you know," You crossed your arms, angrily staring at the ground. You and Dazai had already left the port area and now were back in the city, walking next to each other. "He and Kyouka just...I just wanna give them both a hug and adopt them as family."

This time, Dazai successfully managed to ruffle your hair."You are very funny, (Y/N)-chan."

"I'm not being funny! I'll actually adopt them, just you wait and see."

"As amusing as that would be, I'm gonna stop you there."

"Why?"

"Well, it's nighttime now. And we are almost near the river. The moon's pretty bright today. Which means one thing and one thing only."

"What, Dazai?"

"It's the perfect time for a double suicide!" 

Dazai suddenly grabbed you by the waist and spun you around. You felt your face grow warmer as he kept his hands on your waist, meanwhile going on about the benefits of a double suicide.

"D-dazai! Let go!" You physically tried to struggle out of his grip, knowing that your Ability was useless in this situation. "Just let go, dumbass!"

"Nope, not gonna." 

Dazai let go of your waist, but then immediately grabbed your hand. But you managed to pull it away. He stuck his tongue out at you. "You are no fun, (Y/N)-chan."

You glared at him. "How many times do I have to tell you no, you bandage squandering idiot?!"

"Ahh!! You sound so much like Kunikida-kun! Why didn't you tell me you were so great at impersonating others?"

"Huh?! What's that supposed to mean?" You went to shove his shoulder but he dodged it,  jumping aside with his annoying (endearing) laugh. You tried to hit him again, but he dodged this time too and started running.

"Oi, Dazai! Come back here, you idiot!"

You ran too, trying to catch up to him so that you could, at least, flick his forehead before slapping him. Why was he so annoying, you always wondered. 

'Isn't this why you like him?' Your heart whispered to you.

'Shut up,' You told it.

You kept on running. Even as you did, the sun had almost set, taking its red and orange hues and replacing it with the dark, navy blue of the night sky. The running brought you to the river bank, a spot where both you and Kunikida had to drag Dazai out of. For some reason, he declared this spot and drowning as his top favorite for a double suicide.

It was incredibly annoying, but at the same time, also incredibly saddening and you wished you knew more about why he was like this.

Finally, you caught up with him. 

In hindsight, you should have realised that running after Dazai was not a good decision on your part. 

Both of you stumbled down the river bank, holding onto each other because there was nothing else to grab onto. The slant river bank ended and they were on flat ground again.

But...but, both of you were in a rather compromising position. 

Usually, you were a pretty confident and self-assured person. But when it came to situations like these (or any romantic situations)…well, you were still pretty inexperienced. So inexperienced actually that you hadn't kissed anyone in a long while, almost two years to be exact. Relationships had always seemed like a waste of time to you, but being in such close proximity of the man you currently yearned for was doing wonders for your heart. (In a good way and a bad away)

Dazai's arms were on your shoulders, pinning you to the ground. He loomed over you, his brown eyes staring right into your (e/c) ones. 

You swore you could detect something there before it was hidden behind his mask again. 

No longer were you able to keep the warmth away from your face. You knew you probably resembled a tomato right now. You wanted to get out of this position quickly, but deep down, your mind and your heart both resisted. And you felt like agreeing with them this time. You wouldn't get a chance like this ever again.

So you decided to speak.

And immediately regret it.

"Your eyes are pretty," The combined forces of your heart and mind make you say something stupidly embarrassing and you immediately want to cover your face. But you can't. So you continue.

Even the darkness of night couldn't keep the redness of your cheeks hidden. 

"I mean, they're not just an ugly brown color. They have this amber-like quality to them. And everytime light hits them, they almost shine and it makes them more beautiful than I ever thought. Like seriously, you have really beautiful eyes. Personally, your eyes are your best feature and they're one of the many reasons I fell for you."

(You wanna crush your own stupid heart for that last bit.)

"Oh?" That was all Dazai said, that stupidly endearing smirk on his face. "Many reasons? What are they again?"

"Um, uh," You hesitated, turning your head to the side. This was more embarrassing than any other situation you had ever been in. There was nowhere else to go and while you could have kicked Dazai away with ease, truth be told you really didn't want to do that. How many chances like this would you ever get? "I don't even know when I started liking you. And maybe it's a stupid thing because nothing is ever going to come out of it, but yeah. I have feelings for you, Dazai Osamu. Truth be told, I can sort of understand why you ask women to commit a double suicide with you. You want someone to be by your side, right? You don't want to be lonely when you die. I guess I can understand that, though I wish I could show you the joy in living. But I don't think I'll ever be able to change your mind."

You laughed nervously, looking anywhere but at Dazai's face, where his smirk had been replaced by a more serious look. "I went on a totally different tangent there, didn't I? You can forget that last bit but to sum up everything, I have feelings for you. I don't expect you to return them anyways so...yeah."

Now, you looked at Dazai. His expression was unreadable. You couldn't understand what emotions were written on his face. You didn't even know what he would do next. Would he reciprocate your feelings? Would he reject them? What would he do? You wanted answers and you weren't getting them.

Then again, it was partly your fault also. You suddenly sprung these feelings on him. You shouldn't expect him to answer quickly. 

(Secretly, you also thought that Dazai wasn't the type of person who'd ever truly  love someone. It was just your stupid luck he was the person you fell for.)

Unexpectedly, Dazai suddenly moved off you, giving you the opportunity to finally sit up and contemplate your next moves.

'Should I just run away?' You thought, thinking about the pain of rejection. You'd deal with it. Somehow. 'It's the coward's way out. But what more can I do?'

"If you're thinking of running away, don't," Dazai suddenly said, meeting your eyes with a stare so intense that you swore he could read every single thought in your mind. 

"That was not what I was thinking," You clearly lied, crossing your arms. 

"You know, I can tell that you're lying, my Belladonna," Dazai put his hand on your cheek, his slender fingers brushing away the stray strands of hair on your face. "You are not a very good liar."

"D — wh-what?" You froze up completely. Because as much as you would like to deny, even an action like this left you wanting more. His hands were inexplicably warm and strangely soft. You couldn't even think about running away now. Dazai put his other hand behind your back, pulling you close to him. Close enough that your noses were almost touching and you could see the little flecks of amber in his pretty brown eyes. 

"D-do you also h-have feelings f-for me?"

What the hell was wrong with your voice? You wanted to ask your question again, but your words died in your throat. 

Instead, your heart chose to speak. You tilted your head slightly, barely brushing your lips against his. Even this small action sent volts of electricity coursing through your body. But then, your courage fizzled out and you tried to move back. 

Key word; tried. 

Dazai put his hand at the back of your head and pulled you closer, finally,  freaking finally, kissing you. 

You wished you could describe what you were feeling, but you really couldn't. Your mind was completely shut down and all you could really think was, that you were floating. And since it was your one of the few kisses you had in your life, you didn't know what to do. So you kept on pressing your mouth against Dazai's, trying to have more; trying to feel more of him. 

It was strange, it felt so strange. But kissing Dazai felt incredibly…amazing. Yeah, amazing. Just him and you and nothing else. You felt like you could touch the stars now and you didn't want it to end. You wanted to keep on doing this forever, or as long as both of you could. 

But then, Dazai suddenly ended the kiss, pulling back with a lazy grin.

You stared at him, breathing heavily. And then, you let your head fall onto his shoulder, grabbing onto to the front of his cream-colored trench coat. 

"Does that answer your question, (Y/N)-chan?" He asked with a sing-song voice, suddenly hugging you. 

"So you do like me?" Your voice was muffled by his coat, but you knew he heard you clearly. 

His lips were pressed onto your neck, moving with his answer. You understood it immediately. Releasing his coat from your hands, you hugged him back.  

You knew this moment wouldn't last very long, but you would revel in it for now. 

It was going to be the only thing on your mind for a very long time.

a/n: i hope this was a fun read! with this quarantine, i've been thinking of attempting to write more character x readers because they are good practice for writing a multi-chapter fic. so you might see more bsd, haikyuu and bnha content on here. I might also post about DC so let's see.

My wattpad

[eeveelutionsforequality]

@vape At this point I've kind of come to the conclusion I'm rather boring and annoying. Even people who like me well enough seem to get tired of me, seem to just stop responding if what I said wasn't interesting enough. When I stopped drawing I kind of hoped people might notice, encourage me to keep going. No one even noticed. It's not about notes or something, I just want something, anything I do to matter. Anyway, low bar response kind of brought some stuff up for me. Sorry to bother you

You're not a bother! You've nothing to apologize for!

I used to have this friend who was obsessed with physical contact, they had to be touching, stroking, cuddling at all times when they were with you, and it was really bad for hypersensitivity - I couldn't concentrate on anything sometimes because they were like this constant explosion attached to my arm. Of course I found that annoying, I even snapped a couple of times and said "Can I have some space?" too aggressively. At the same time, there were so many things that I absolutely loved about that person. Like, they had all of these intriguing ideas about the past that were basically new-age nonsense, but they were so imaginative that they made for the basis of absolutely fantastic world building for fantasy plots - and when I shared said fantasy stories with this person, they were always so supportive and invested in them, the enthusiasm was incredible. They were always so great at filling in plot holes or coming up with tangents that I'd have never been able to come up with alone. And if I came up with an idea for something to do that day that any other friend would've gone "That's boring" or "I'd rather smoke weed" to, they threw themselves into it - they didn't just go along with it to entertain me, they enjoyed it too and found ways to make it hilarious.

They were one of the most annoying people, but one word doesn't sum up a person, and they were still a really good friend. One personality trait doesn't get rid of all of the others. Nobody is perfect, nobody is entertaining or comfortable to be around 100% of the time, nobody is devoid of traits that you don't gel with - but that doesn't matter because everybody also has value, everybody has something great to them.

So many times I've been at the pub and there's a guy that I haven't met yet approaching the group of friends, and somebody will whisper to me "Don't bring up [thing], he's great otherwise but you don't wanna open that can of worms". I'd bet my left leg that there's a clarifier that people say about me like that sometimes... maybe "Don't get him too drunk, he'll start flirting with everyone" (actually, given what my friends are like, it's more likely to be "Get him as drunk as you can, he'll flirt with everyone and it'll be hilarious").

Being boring, annoying, too talkative, a flirty drunk, or whatever (and you may not actually be any of those things - anxiety does a fantastic job of devaluing us and boiling a complex personality or trait down to a single derogatory word that doesn't describe the reality of who we are, while other people likely interpret us entirely differently to how we interpret ourselves), doesn't mean that people don't like or value you. You don't have to be perfect 24/7 to be a great and valued friend (in fact, you never have to be perfect, and you don't even have to be good 24/7). People's opinions of you don't have to be 100% positive for them to still be positive - we all have things that we dislike about each other, and that's okay.

Sometimes people just forget to respond to a message, or they can't find something to say themselves that doesn't seem to them like they'd be boring you, or they don't feel like talking to anyone right now... of all of the times that I haven't replied or haven't been replied to, 99% were because of reasons like that, while times when I or somebody else was like "This is just too boring/annoying for me to respond to" are so few that I could probably count them on my fingers. Additionally, most people are "I don't like to message first" kinds of people - a "Hey, you alright?" could be what they need to start messaging you again, maybe because they get anxious that they're annoying people themselves.

You should keep drawing, even if people don't notice, the practice is good for you and it's a great hobby, it can be really cathartic or relaxing or inspiring or just fun.

There isn't a hard line between "matters" and "doesn't matter" - I struggle to even define "matters" because in a few decades at most I'll die and I'll lose the ability to even perceive things let alone ascribe value to them, and after that eventually the sun will explode and destroy every remnant of everything that you or I or anyone else has ever done. You have a really short time here on Earth, so do things that matter to you, things that make the time more enjoyable - what matters is that your experience of being alive in this world is a good one, not what other people think of what you do. Things don't have to be valuable in the grand scheme of things or to the giant, uncaring universe - but you're the one trying to live and experience and be happy right now, what matters isn't making something the exceeds yourself, it's making yourself happy.

The situation and your personality are always more complicated than one or two words - everybody's annoying or boring sometimes, but that's never the entirety of them and it's not the entirety of how somebody else perceives them. Chances are there are plenty of other reasons why people haven't been replying, and it's okay to go "Hey, is everything okay? You haven't replied for a bit."

You do matter, you're valued and loved by people, you have talent, you've already had an impact on the world and on countless people's lives, and I guarantee that you'll do and achieve even more in the future. Try not to bubble yourself and your interactions with the world down to simplistic concepts and derogatory statements like "annoying" or "doesn't matter", it doesn't accurately describe those things and it'll only bring you down and make things harder.

~ Vape