#this is a lie i wont have the time next week BUT maybe one day....

[witchspeka]

Anyway, while still on the topic of Ritsu and maturity, I found it interesting that people tend to assume he's the older one when first watching the show

Ultimately, it does make sense because he's seemingly more responsible and reliable but that comes as a result of him walking on eggshells when it comes to Mob

Ritsu is actively trying to avoid stressing Mob out or bothering him in any way because he lives in fear of him getting overwhelmed and blowing up again

So, he takes away his responsability of being an older brother, he doesnt create any trouble or directly express any struggles lest Mob gets concerned

But that accomplishes nothing besides making them drift apart even more. Ritsu is constantly trying to manage Mob while Mob has gotten so used to Ritsu never struggling that he doesnt question his Perfect Brother act

They've both resigned to pretending The Incident didn't happen and when Mob does, eventually, bring it up, its too late. Ritsu pretends he did nothing but protect him to shield Mob from guilt, but Mob is already so deeply buried under self loathing that he refuses to properly process any of his emotions in fear that it'll result in hurting people

It's a fruitless task for both of them, they're not doing anything besides causing harm to themselves

One of the things that I love about their relationship is how messy it can be but like... ultimately they care about eachother

For a while its not certain whether Ritsu actually wants to help/protect Mob or if he's just doing it out of fear, to protect himself

Later on the answer becomes obvious, but even during their confrontation in the alleyway, Ritsu tries to claim he had no emotional investment in their relationship, that it was just an act

He's lying, most likely to purposefully hurt Mob, to convince himself that he won't let Mob influence him anymore, to live in fear of what he could do

A part of Big Cleanup is just Ritsu having an identity crisis, he's been defined by Mob's presence for so long, the admiration he once had for him mixing with fear

His desire to get powers is a reflection of that, at first he just wants them so he can reach his "standard", because his brother has them and Ritsu wants to be like him

But it eventually turns into something else, psychic powers aren't just a magic trick anymore, they're something dangerous, something that has hurt him

He wants psychic powers so he can defend himself, so he can have the courage to actually be honest with his brother

When he does gain them, when he finally faces Mob, he's finally achieved a sense of independence. He wants to cut Mob off so he can't be defined by him anymore

But, ultimately, that is not something he can do

Mob, who until now wasn't aware of Ritsu’s issues, who is still shocked by his real feelings, accepts them as they are

At the end of the day, they're still brothers, whether Ritsu likes it or not

Mob is quick to understand that Ritsu isn't fully honest, but that it isn't all a lie either. He takes responsibility for Ritsu's mistakes, asks for forgiveness from the people his brother has hurt, even if he had no part to play in any of it

Mob regains his position as an older brother. He listens to Ritsu, acknowledges the issue, then tries to set an example and asks for forgiveness on his behalf

UNFORTUNATELY this interaction stops here because some asshole decided to waltz in and ruin my catharsis

Still, I believe that after this is over, Ritsu remembers why he wanted to follow in his brother's footsteps in the first place (see: his conversation with Kamuro at the end of S1 and with Shimazaki)

Confession Arc is really the only time Ritsu is honest, both with himself and with Mob

There's no more hurdles to get through, he's got the powers he wanted, he can finally stand up against Mob

When Mob does actually lose control, he tries to stop him, he doesn't cower in fear anymore

Because he acknowledges that the person who hurt him isn't a dangerous, unexplainable entity. ???% is his brother just as much as the Mob who called him out during their confrontation but proceeded to stay by his side

People have put this into words better than I can but,,, yeah,,, I love this relationship so so much

[hostilemuppet]

Saw the JD & Floyd post and was about to say “Maybe he should” but then it just made me sad. Like damn he cares about his family to the detriment of himself, what does that say about his relationship with Creek. I think I remember you writing something about Floyd realizing he’s genuinely fallen in love with him.

you want me to show how much thought ive put into tdau floyd? the funny cokehead with commitment issues? the guy who posts thirst traps out of spite? okay (keep in mind that most of this is just what *I* think and hasnt been cleared with alex, but when i write for floyd its genuinely what i consider in the back of my mind)

i think he was 13 y/o when he went out on his own (1999), began seeing the rest of the troll tree for himself, until he finally escaped on his own at around 15 (2001), a year before the entire tribe was evacuated (2002). he hitch hiked a bit and got to see a bunch of tribes but he only really got to see techno reef and volcano rock city, staying in vrc a lot longer (LONG before barb was in power and turned rocks view on pop from "they fucked up a really long time ago but were safe from them now" to "we need to colonise them back") and discovering a lot about himself in the process

he turned 18 (2004) and, as most ex-child stars do, immediately went IN on hard drugs and sex with strangers, as if thats the test for proving your adulthood. and he had a good time! he spent most of his life drugged to the gills and unable to look himself in the mirror the rare moments he was sober, but, yknow. details. then he got bored. and he went travelling again

at the age of 20 (2006) he left troll kingdom entirely. obviously he stayed CLEAR of bergen town (and silently prayed to whatever god pop trolls typically believe in that his family were safe and undigested). but he saw all sorts of places! places we havent seen yet, with species we havent seen yet, of extremely varying sizes! hell, he mightve met a species or two that are smaller than trolls! imagine that. but spending years travelling, it gets lonely. he never got to connect with anyone. hell, he never even had a real boyfriend! the most he had was that situationship he had that lasted 5 weeks before he got ghosted when that techno troll got back with his girlfriend. (its okay though, he channels his pain into his art, and that was one became his most popular song on bandcamp by a significant margin!)

at 27 years old (2013) he arrived in mount rageous. sure, they were huge, and he was terrified of being eaten, obviously. but they didnt want to eat him! they thought he was cute. and, he wont lie, he liked the attention. he became a novelty, that tiny little creature with his even tinier guitar, who apparently built up such a tolerance he can handle mount rageon drugs. imagine doing blow with stewert little. they loved him, as entertainment. he still didnt have anyone who loved him as a person, but at that point he was willing to settle.

when hes 36 (2023) he gets kidnapped by velvet & veneer, and of course no one thought to look for him. you wouldnt notice if the mouse in your house suddenly went missing. at most youd think someone you live with finally took care of it, and youd move on with your life.

the events of the movie happen, hes reunited with his siblings, he actually feels valued as a person again, AND to top it all off, those two months in the bottle did WONDERS for detoxing. next time he tries pop troll coke he actually feels a buzz! he never thought hed see the day!

brozone reunite, we see the early days of their career carry out in the au. floyd feels like hes on top of the world. hes got his family back, hes back in pop village (albeit, its a different pop village than he knew. hell, they used to all it troll village back then!) hes releasing actual music again, and not just busking for tips (its okay he didnt need much, he rented out a mouse hole for cheap). but he wants an actual connection. he wants a relationship. but hes never actually had that! hes never even felt respected by a potential partner! so he goes back to random hookups. and, yknow, its fun, he guesses. but he wants more

the first troll who seems to actually take interest in him as anything more than a hot piece of ass or "that guy from brozone" rocks his world. hes ashamed to admit that after knowing the guy for 3 hours he already thought about spending the rest of his life with him. he just wasnt used to being spoken to like a person by anyone other than immediate family members! its okay though, he couldnt scare him off, because he was being paid to be there, and after recording himself getting in floyds pants (the only way he knows how to show affection at this point) it was all over the internet

so, you know, obviously floyd wasnt doing great. hes gotten good at hiding his feelings (not like anyone really cares about them anyway) but he was clearly struggling. he did what he does best, and turned it into a joke, so maybe itd hurt a little less. he probably made it worse, but at least he was numb now. he goes back to hookups, deciding hell never have an actual boyfriend, hell never get married, and hes okay with that. well, hes clearly not, but its not like anyone ever asked, so he has to deal.

then he meets creek. and at this point hes not stupid. hes not that naive little kid anymore, and when he wakes up the next morning and realises his newest one night stand was that guy, the asshole, the one who everyone hates, he knows hes the butt of the joke, again. theres probably a camera, again. he leaves before creek wakes up.

but then he meets him again, a few days later. and creek says how much of a shame it is he never got his digits. and floyd doesnt know what to make of this. but he knows he shouldnt trust him. he heard everything riff said about him, everything BRANCH said about him. he knows every one of creeks crimes. but maybe he just wants to have some fun, yknow? everyones always fucking with him, maybe he wants to play around sometime. show the world hes not some little helpless doll.

what follows is about a year and a half of gay chicken on expert mode. creek pretends to love floyd. floyd pretends he doesnt know creeks pretending. floyd feels in control, almost. he gets comfortable. he refuses to believe its love, how could it be love? theyre awful to each other. but its, technically, his first real relationship. he tries not to think about it.

maybe encouraging creek to propose was a little more than seeing how far he can push him before he snaps. maybe he wanted to prove that hes worth it, even if the other guy wasnt. maybe he genuinely cried when he got angelinas egg, even if hed rather die than let creek see him express genuine emotions. he knows hes the sensitive one, but hes more than brozone. hes a person. a person that people dont ever seem to want to know.

then he realises. hes not the only one whos gotten comfortable. creek looks... not happy, exactly. but content. and floyd thinks thats terrifying. its too far, thats not how any of this was supposed to work. it was REVENGE. floyd was fucking with him, because creek was fucking with him first! now hes married, hes MARRIED, with KIDS, TWINS! THAT HE NAMED! and he loves them! and he loves creek! and creek loves him! hes gonna be sick. he cant do this. he cant be here. he lives in a mansion but its suffocating him. he leaves. he divorces creek.

hes miserable again. jd doesnt notice bc hes "the sensitive one", and his other brothers dont know how to bring it up without making it worse. branch is the only one who asks how hes holding up, but he just says hes fine, hell bounce back. he doesnt bounce back

when he meets creek again, he wants to cry. he wants to get on his hands and knees and beg him to take him back, but he has a LITTLE bit of self respect left. when he finds out creek missed him too its more than he can take. when they get drunk, and floyd forces jd to re-marry them, floyd actually feels like a person. a broken person, who healed in a creek-shaped mould, but a person nonetheless. and maybe thats all he can ask for

[dearanakin]

🐥 here ☺️

Ahhh spicy biker!Eddie - pleasant surprise I wont lie! 🫣 thank you so much for writing despite the writer’s block!!

I was wondering if you could write an alternate version with an established relationship including a shy!reader? She’s incredibly studious and stays late in the school’s library several times a week to study and Eddie ofc will never ever let her go home alone, so he always picks her up on his bike. The moments she’s holding on to him, feeling the wind in her hair are some of the few she actually feels free 🥹

Lots of fluff and Eddie worrying about her safety and wellbeing maybe??

Thanks for reading this!!! 💕💕💕 I hope you’re having a beautiful week angel

God I know I'm like way behind this request, but I promise I've been trying to make something pretty decent. Turns out I only had this small idea in my head, but it's kinda cute. I'm so sorry I took so long!!

Summary: You always stay late in the library most of the weekdays, and Eddie always makes sure you never go home alone. Sometimes he even makes you company, watching over while you study. (Fluff only. Word count: 972)

One evening, you found yourself in the university library, surrounded by towering bookshelves and the soft hum of fluorescent lights.

You had a significant research paper to complete, and the clock was ticking mercilessly towards eight o'clock.

You've spent all day at the campus and felt too tired already, but with the tests coming, you wanted to make sure you got good grades. In the room, there were only a few students, while the rest had already left.

Once again, Eddie made his way to a chair next to you, dragging it, so he could sit down. The noise it was making attracted the attention from the others, and you squinted, snorting.

He could never be able to be discreet. He sat next to you, watching as you read your papers.

"You couldn't be louder than that?" You joked, and he rested his legs across the table. Such a gentleman.

He fidgeted with his ringed fingers and smirked.

"Not my fault these damn chairs are too old, babe," He replied.

Shaking your head, you tried focusing on the remaining pages of your notes. You keep your attention on your notebook, while his face slowly reaches next to yours.

"Watcha reading?" Eddie whispers close to your right ear and you shiver.

"Just some philosophical theories" You reply, not taking your eyes off the papers.

"Sounds interesting. Is it about stoicism? Because I love that shit!" He sounds very into it, and it makes you chuckle at his sweet words.

"Oh, really? Tell me more about it then" You play along.

He looked at you, a little bit confused. He never seemed to actually enjoy whatever you would study. "Are you serious? Because I can go on and on about that shit".

You laughed again. "Yeah, babe. I'm serious".

He took a deep breath, fixing his bangs before starting to speak. "It's a philosophy that teaches us how to find tranquility and wisdom in life's challenges".

"You see, stoicism is all about recognizing what's within our control and what's not. It encourages us to focus on our thoughts, actions, and attitudes, and to let go of things beyond our control" He definitely looked so hot right now you would eat him on a stick.

"That's so profound. And so hot" You say it quite louder than expected, and he jerks his head back in a snorted laugh.

He places one hand on your thigh and squeezes it before looking back at you. "I could be one hell of a hot Philosophy professor, babe".

"Yeah, right" You squeeze his hand back.

He didn't say much later after that, waiting for you to finish reading your papers. But while waiting in the silent room, he was humming a song - which was probably Metallica - and it annoyed you.

"I'm going to need five minutes, but you need to be quiet" You started, lowering your voice, so only Eddie could hear you. "Or I will punish you later".

His brown puppy eyes widened in muse. "Well, then sentence me already" He said it too loud and earned a slap on his forearm from you. "Ouch".

"Just shut, please" You tried not to laugh at his playful demeanor.

Eddie loved the way you were so focused on school and your future. He knew he wasn't one to be too worried about that, considering he got held back twice before.

Now he's working his way up with his band, while making money at a record store.

He was fascinated by how you were so into every single thing you were interested in. He knows how much effort you have, even though he thinks you're a nerd. Which he's always joking about.

"You know you don't need to pick me up, right? I can get a cab" You said after a moment of silence.

He was trying to not make a noise, otherwise he knew you'd punch him. Supporting his chin on his hand, while resting his arm on the table, he huffed. "And you know I'll never let you go home alone".

"I'm a big girl, Munson" You retorted in a sweet way.

"I don't care, sweetheart. You're trapped with me. Eddie Munson can't let his darling go out there alone".

You laughed. "God, I hate it when you talk about yourself in third person".

"You actually love it, and you know it" He pointed out.

After you finished your studies, he helped you out with your books and papers, holding most of them for you.

You loved leaving the university in his company, because he would always pick you up with his bike and you loved how the wind always blows against your hair.

He secured your stuff inside the top case, giving you your helmet. Eddie helps you put the accessory on and makes sure the strap is perfectly set on your head.

He holds out a hand for you to support yourself before hopping in.

Eddie mounted the motorcycle, starting the engine with a satisfying rumble. He makes sure you're holding on him before pulling away.

With the wind in your hair and the open road ahead, you held on tightly, feeling both the exhilaration of the ride and the comfort of his care and guidance.

He pulled up by your driveway - you and Robin shared a house together - and helped you out with the helmet.

"Safe from the night dangers" Eddie wrapped one of his arms around your neck, giving you a peck on the jawline. You let out a light chuckle.

"Yeah, you're my true hero" You satirize.

He leans towards you, standing inches from your face, holding a sweet smile. "I love you, my darling".

"Love you too, Munson". You both kissed for a few seconds before he pulled back.

"I love it when you call me Munson" He melts down under your touch. 

[anothd]

Tw. Suicide mentioned; calories and ed mentioned

Guess who isn't feeling good and have the biggest stress of life since i got sa'd? YES, MY DUMP ASS! THIS IDIOT OVER HERE. I feel dump, my head is dizzy and fuzzy cause of all this stress. I don't know anymore what to feel, except it's stressful. Maybe i feel worried? Or betrayed? Maybe just sad? Or angry? I don't really know and probably won't know. I'm just tired for now and don't wanna to worry them anymore, yet I know I can't continue living like this. For the whole night i slept not even 3h and woke up scared. Just like i had some nightmare I don't remember anymore. I need to focus on myself cause grandma noticed I slightly tremble. I want to cry and yell for attention and help. Yet I can't. I think I'll go buy some snacks today. I maybe want to loose some weight again and it wont help. Hell with how much i was pissed off when i noticed i ate more than 500 kcal in a day I know it'll sabotage all my progress. Yet maybe something tasty and sweet will help me to calm down. Maybe not chocolate, but an sweet candy soda (if ill get it at my village shop lol. If not then probably monster or black) and crisps. Ngl want to smoke badly, but everyone home so can't. Probably will smoke at night. It helps me to calm down. Maybe I'll buy beer and get drunk again? Last time wasnt good, but at least I wont remember it well again too. I need to calm down. I can't talk now, cause everyone have their problems and is busy, but when we all will ve ready I can't let my emotions control me too much. And now to focus on not puking or loosing consciousness around anyone. I'm so used to the second one i already can feel signs before, so I know I'm close. And well i guess puking in stress like this is common, especially it happened to me once. But oh well, don't want to worry my family. The biggest problem is that I know one of them reads this blog from time to time when worried. I mean i gave them info to check on me if something is wrong. I wanted them to check if they are worried. But not for them to lie they never checked and then send ss and talk about it behind my back. I hoped for confronatation even tho i hate em. I thought if they worry and see something is wrong and they decide to check they'll tell me. That was litteraly the only reason they got the faken info. It was a bad idea. Now idk if I even can trust them? Eh... I already was overstressed and tired from all this fatigue and couldn't do a shit, but oh well my fault. I won't annoy others anymore, i have plan to end it all. But now I'm also worried I'll act like a coward and won't do it. At least before i can do it i have whole week ahead. So I can change my mind, cause won't lie i decided on this way to fast. It will be place withiut much internet (mountains) and I'll only be able to use it in tourist spots and mountain shelters. But if next week after wednesday I won't make any post know I'm not here with you. Or fucking failed and in hospital. I hope they won't see it, and they wont talk about it behind my back and all.

[jessjad]

Unexpected

Chapter 1

Summary: After a Halloweenparty Y/N actually didn't want to got to, her life seems to be turned around. The reason is a very stubborn Supe that seems to have her in his visier. Is it just a coincidance or more?

Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x Reader

Word Count: 2041

Warnings: None really, some language

A/N: Hello! 😊 Finally, we're here. I'm still working on and changing the plot of the story, 'cause I have so many ideas in my head. ^^ I put my twist on the story and make my own out of it. Since we still haven't gotten a season 4. So, I hope you like it. We start out slow, but it will pick up pace. All mistakes are mine. Let me know what you think.

My Masterlist Series Masterlist

The cold november wind was blowing through the streets of New York while Y/N was on her way to her favorite café. She needed a good caffeine fix and a delicious croissant to calm her nerves. Since this stupid halloweenparty she felt somehow on edge. Almost as if somebody was following her, but she could not be sure about that.

It did also not help that her best friend Caroline was on the phone with her, trying to get as much information out of her as she could. They hadn't seen each other since the party. Luckily for Y/N she had two weeks off of work and used the first couple of days to hide in her apartment, still not believing herself for what she had done. Or better said, what she had let happen to her.

"Oh c'mon, girl! Spill the details! You can't hide forever." the other woman said with a laugh in her voice and Y/N had to smile.

"There is not much to tell." she tried, but her friend knew her to well.

"Of course there is! That guy was sooo hot! If I would have not been so busy with my man I would've take a chance with him too."

That Y/N believed right away. But not like her, Caroline was a little more blind about the supes, Vaught and everything that was related with it, than other people. She never really cared about those things. Maybe because she never lost someone to one of those cruel, reckless bastards.

"So? Did he ring your bell?"

"Oh god, Care! You wont give up, right." now Y/N had to laugh.

"No, I won't! That's why it's probably best for you to start at the beginning."

Y/N stepped through the door of the café and got in line.

"Let me get my order first and then I'll talk." she negotiated which Care agreed on.

It took almost ten minutes until Y/N took a set at an empty table in the back of the café where she was somewhat undisturbed. After the first sip of the rich coffee and a bite from the delicious croissant she was ready to tell her friend about the evening.

"If I wouldn't have drank that much nothing would've probably happend, but... somehow he got... under my skin."

Which was not a lie. She detested Soldier Boy and all of his kind. You were nowhere safe from them and if you did nothing but just look the wrong way at one of them, you surely would pay with your live. They never gave a fuck about normal people like she was.

"He seemed like a man who knows what to say and how to handle himself." said Care more serious now that she got the tea from her friend about her hot night.

"Yeah..." with that she was right. "We talked and talked and all of sudden we were looking for a place more quiet. I... I didn't want that at first but the alcohol got to me and the next thing I knew, we were in a bedroom, making out."

"Uuuhhh, now comes the good part." Caroline giggled.

"I'm not going into detail, but he knew what he was doing. Oh yeah... he definitely knew..."

And she didn't know why she was so surprised that Soldier Boy actually wanted her to have fun too. Even now when she thought about it how he made her cum three times, her core still started to quiver. Like he was in no rush to get it over with. It was something Y/N never had in her mind, not after the woman learned the hard truth about the supes and how they really were. But that night the "all american hero" seemed to have all the time in the world. Which was probably pretty true.

"See? I knew it was a good idea to drag you out of your apartment and go to this party. And I'm pretty sure the costume did help with that a lot. I told you you looked hot in it!" a very triumphed tone in Carolines voice was heard over the phone.

"Or maybe it was just luck... if you can call it like that."

The croissant was already devoured and she was in the last sipps of her coffee. At first she did not see it as luck that Soldier Boy had appeared, and even more less as he tried to get her attention. Y/N didn't understand why he wanted her, of all people there, and not one of the women that fitted more to the beautystandards these days. However, with every new drink her defense falterd and she gave in. It didn't help that he was so fucking attractive and the smile he had on his plush, sexy lips seemed to promise so much more. Or... she was just to drunk to say no in the end.

"When did you come home? I was kinda worried when I didn't hear from you and you did not pick up my calls."

"I know, Care. I'm still sorry for that. But when I wrote you back in the morning I just went through my door. Like I said, I totally forgot it that night."

And she had felt really bad about it. Y/N had promised to call her later that day but all the alcohol in her system had knocked her out all day and then it was Caroline who was busy with work. Hence, they had this conversation now, three days later.

Thinking about it, Y/N actually didn't want to stay with the supe in the bedroom all night, but he really tired her out and she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow while their heartbeats came down. When she woke up some hours later it was still dark outside and, to her surprise, Soldier Boy was still there, sleeping and with his arm rapped around her middle. It almost felt kinda possessively to her when she thought about it now. Gladly she didn't wake him up when she left.

"When will you see him again?" Care wanted to know, but Y/N just huffed.

"Never, I hope." and Y/N really meant it.

The night was really good, but she wouldn't want to risk another encounter with the supe that potentially could cost her her life. Not that he caused her much pain, but her body was covered in bruises and hickeys and on her right hip she had a blue and green mark that almost looked like a handprint from him.

"Oh, now that is pretty fucking hurtful to hear." rumbled a deep voice behind her suddenly.

In an old, dark and empty basement somewhere outside of New York, almost cut off from the world, gathered a group of men infront of multiple monitors and sifted through the footage from the surveillance cameras that were scattered throughout the city. On a table in the middle of the room were plans laid out and places marked. It looked like they slowly narrowed down an area around the Vought Tower.

"Still nothing?" said one of the men to another who was sitting infront of the monitors.

"No. It hasn't been long since they got him out of the tank or whatever they had him trapped in. It's not unusual that he hasn't been out in the public that often until now."

"But it won't be long until they will bring out the news of him being back in the buisness and when that happens, we won't have much time."

"I know, but what else are we supposed to do when..."

A loud bang rang through the room and all the heads turned to the source of the sound. Another man stood by the table and had slammed his hand down on it. Silence filled the room and some of the men changed some tense looks with eachother.

"Shut up talking and consentrate on the task here!"

"YES, SIR!" responded all the other men in the room and got immediately back to work.

"It doesn't matter if they tell the world that Soldier Boy is back or not. Once we have him in our hands... nobody will care for him anymore."

"Caroline? I... have to call you back."

Y/N hung up on her friend before she even could respond to that. The shock was written all over her face when she finally looked up and into the face of one green eyed supe that grinned cockily down on her. He was in normal clothes, the cowl of his hoodie was pulled over his head and he tried not to look around to much. Y/N knew why. He didn't want to be recognized by the other participants in the café. And she obviously took to long to answer him, 'cause he sat down on the other side of her table, the open space of the café in his back.

"What... what are you doing here?" now Y/N started to look around, but she didn't see anyone else from Vought. "Did you follow me?"

"Well, that doesn't sound quiet right, does it? As if I would've fucking stalked you. A real man doesn't do that."

Y/N just looked at him with wide eyes, still not really believing that she was sitting here with Soldier Boy. Again.

"I was just checking in on you. Seeing if you would walk around telling everyone that you had the best night of your live with the one and only Soldier Boy. But apperantly walking is now problem for you. Should've fucked you a little harder." Now Y/N knew it was definitely real that she was sitting here with the Supe. "Especially after you just left in the middle of the night and we didn't have time to discuss things."

"What is there to talk about? It was just a night, nothing else." an eerie feeling creeped up in her stomach, not knowing what the man infront of her actually wanted.

"Yeah, well... that might be true, but..." Soldier Boy leand a little forward. "... you know who I am. And that is the key here."

"I... I don't understand why this is a problem. It was halloween! I don't think that anyone recognized you. And I really have no intention whatsoever to keep contact to you. I mean, why even would I?"

Y/N saw in his eyes how a little anger flared up, but he kept himself in check. "You have a big fucking mouth for an ordinary girl that I could kill within seconds without even standing up."

Soldier Boy didn't raise his voice, but the threat was undoubtedly noticeable in his voice. During the halloweenparty Y/N had felt more comfortable to defy him, but now fear was starting to rise within her. It would not be a good idea to upset him here in a public place. A blast from his chest would not just kill her.

"Look..." she tried way more calmer. "... I don't think that we need to make a big thing out of this. I'm not gonna tell anybody. I really don't have the need to do so. And you can just go back to the way you lived before all that. Okay?"

She did not wait for his answer, grabbed her bag and got up. There was a bigger group of people that looked or a free table and Y/N was more than willingly to give her seat up. She smiled to them and pointed at her table. One of the men thanked her and made his way over. So, Soldier Boy had to get up too and while he was still trying to get away without being recognized, Y/N was already out of the café and looking for a taxi. She almost made it, but a big hand closed around her underarm and kept her from getting away.

Grumbling under her breath she turned around. "What else?"

"This is not over. You're can't just fucking leave like this." he growled.

"Oh, I think we're done here. I really don't want to see you again." answered Y/N and freed her arm out of his grip.

"Unfortunately that is not for you to decide." a female voice came from behind her.

Let the games begin. 🤭 See you next time!

@lyarr24 @leigh70

[idagiri]

❛ you are going to stay here, aren't you? ❜ (from kyōjurō <3, but they're babies again)

sentence starters / @omonzuru

the flow of time seems to change completely.    years in a cage had blended together seamlessly,   in one long blur.    no windows to tell the passage of time with,   and nothing to mark the passing days with,   those twelve years may as well have been a long dream,   unending.    in contrast,   the two years since have passed so quickly it's overwhelming.    fourteen now,   she feels unrecognizable from that helpless child that shinjurō had saved.

maybe that feeling is what makes her ask for a water breathing teacher.    she's long since learned that flame breathing would be wholly incompatible for her   (  in a way,   she wouldn't feel worthy to wield it anyways.    her hands are too stained with guilt.  ),   and shinjurō had once said that water breathing tended to be the easiest to learn for most people.    when she asks,   there's a conflicted look on the flame hashira's face that she can't understand,   but she doesn't ask,   and he doesn't elaborate,   sighing out a   i'll see what i can do.

of course,   it was exactly what she had asked for,   but it surprises her how quickly it takes for shinjurō to find a suitable teacher.    a personal friend of his,   a former water hashira that had recently retired from the position.    he tells her that she'll leave in two weeks,   and maybe she feels a bit selfish for wanting to stay longer.    surely she's taken enough of their generosity,   but the idea of leaving so suddenly pulls at her heart.    this is the closest thing to home that she's ever had,   after all.

maybe even more concerning than that:   she isn't sure how she'll tell kyōjurō.    shinjurō may have been her hero,   but kyōjurō had been her first ever friend.

so she resolves to spend as much time as possible with him before she goes,   becoming something like a shadow to him,   quietly following day in and day out.    it's not exactly subtle,   but she doesn't expect him to pick up on it so quickly.    maybe it's her fault,   underestimating just how closely he pays attention to the things around him.

you are going to stay here,   aren't you?

perched comfortably in the branches of a tree,   looking down on him as he trains,   it's a line of questioning that catches her completely off guard.    there's a heavy silence that falls over them,   and her voice dies in her throat before she can come up with an excuse.    whether or not she's truthful here,   she'll be gone in a little under a week now.

“ i can't stay. ”    her gaze wanders,   to the branches swaying softly in the breeze,   clouds floating aimlessly across the sky,   anywhere as long as she isn't looking at him.    it's easier to get the words out if she doesn't have to see how he reacts.    “ i want to learn water breathing.    i want to become a demon slayer,   just like you want to be one.    your father already found someone to teach me. ”

maybe want isn't the correct word.    a normal life isn't one she can see for herself,   guilt seeping into veins,   mixing with her blood until she can't tell the difference.    putting every ounce of hatred,   guilt,   &   anger into killing the things that had ruined her life before it had even began is the only path she sees left for herself.    at least if she dies killing a demon,   it's a form of atonement for all the grief her cursed family has put into the world.

those aren't thoughts to share,   though.

“ it wont be forever . . .    and i can write you letters. “    not quite a lie,   but not quite the truth.    even if she finishes training,   it's not like she would be coming back to the rengoku estate.    the next logical step would be to take the final selection,   and if she's lucky   (  perhaps replace luck with spite;   if that demon hadn't killed her,   she wouldn't let any other kill her either  ),   she'll come out alive as a fully fledged slayer.    “ wouldn't it be nice to be demon slayers together? ”

[tv-gh0st]

That goddamn Tree

First week Time immediately noticed something off about Wild. Well honestly Wild was just off in general, waking up in a post apocalyptic hyrule with no memories of who you are or your past life then spending three years adventuring and learning everything from scratch so you can fight a creature known ad Calamity gannon will do that to someone. Ofcourse thst was simply the bare minimum, time could tell and most of the others didn’t even know all that. But that’s not the point. What is it? Wild didn’t fucking sleep.

You see Wild kept asking for watch, Time ofcourse wouldn’t allow this. At first he just seemed adamint to take watch, posibly he craved feeling usefull that wouldn’t be new to the heros sipirt, or posibly craving feeling safe yet again not something new time would be dealing with. What is new though? Not being able to get him out of a fucking tree when It was time to sleep. It was the third day of Wild asking for watch which Time very obviosly refused, he needed sleep all of them did it was solid logic. So why the hell did Time get woken up by Sky for what he thought was second shift just to be told Wild wont come down from a tree. He wished he would have woken up Twilight or Hyrule  Time knows that he scares Wild, but he was up and so was Wild, neither of which should have been. 

"Wild please whats wrong. He heard some shuffling of the tree but nothing more. "I need words kids" nothing, at this rate he'd be up all night trying to get this kid down.(and this was deffintly not going to help with the whole, kid being scared of him thing) the whole joke might be that hes an old man but he does infact need sleep like one. But guess  who doesn’t, Twilight. Okay so waking up Twilight might make him grumby but the kid will only ever get close to Twilight, that also might be a bit of a lie. He loves Wolfie, not so much Twilight, but hes still better with Twi then him. 

"So the cub wont come out, like at all?" Time shook his head. "He likes you" 

"he likes wolfie" ofcouse Twilight would not want to, that’s almost all he talks about, how the kid wont get close to him. "Then turn into Wolfie, he loves you" luckily he agreed and walked off. 

Comeing in quitly as to not wake up the others could be a bit of a struggle at times, but wolfie was now next to time looking up at wild in the goddamn tree refusing to even face him. "Wild Wolfies here!" with a bark to confirm Wild turned around so fast Time thought he was going to fall down. He saw Wild grabbing at Wolfie seeming to be at war with himself in weather he should go down and be with Wolfie or stay up there, Time had no idea why Wild was even even up there, I mean he they all had there little things, weather it was truama based or just something they were used to but Wild not sleeping and just being in a tree every night unforntunitly would not work, hell if Wild wanted to sleep in the tree Time would let him at this point. Sure hed rather him sleep on the ground with everyone else, keep everyone in just one spot ya know. But hell if he could get him to sleep that be a win for Time. Wolfie kept barking at Wild jumping up on the base of the tree, he eventully got Wild to reach a hand down where Wolfie gently grabed it in his mouth. It was almost like the two were having a conversation through body languge, hell maybe they were Wild seemed much more comfrtoble with animals annd well in trees. It took like 30 minutes but Wolfie finally got Wild to climb down, well more like fall down but ya know hes down and that’s all that matters. Wild seemed tired so Time decided to let him rest hopefully sleem(On the ground) and talk about this in the morning, also he despretly wanted to sleep and was in no way awake enough for this conversation. 

It was now dinner time now, they had a whole day of traveling everyone exept Wild was exahsted(He loved walking through just nature) and Wolfie was here sitting with Wild a bit away from the group, Time figured now was a good time for the conversation, it was evning but no one was seddling down to sleep yet. Time went to sit next to Wild down just one the ground Wild was just leaning down on Wolfie seemed like he was relaxing but when he got closer Time saw how wide Wilds eyes were as they darted around the camp almost watching over it worried something would jump them. "Hey Wild" he saw him stiffin up lifting himsef up from Wolfie who also stiffend up a little bit much less then Wild though. "its not bad, its just about last night, Im going to need you to sleep as best as you can okay, you don’t need to keep watch, no one has failed watch before everyone is very carfule, and were all gonna need to sleep so we can be at our best for traveling and fighting." Wild just stared at him blankly, Hylia above how did he go from looking borderline fearal to nothing at all. Time didn’t know what else to say so he stood up to leave. "just think about what I said, we all want to help and portect eachother Wild." the blank stair again. 

It was a small whisper he didn’t even know if Wild said it but it surprised evens scared Twilight for a second. "Twi when do you think I can do watch again"

[squisan]

Pearlina (Pearl x Marina) Comic... made with just sticky notes

No idea how to use Tumblr, but I'm gonna post something regardless, so I want to talk about a comic i made entirely in school over a few days, literally just while i was bored in class.

They're all drawn in tiny little sticky notes, and there's only one chapter so far, and I want to make it a whole series. i will work on making a digital art version, cuz you know, i'll actually have time to make it look good there, because this comic... is very low quality. But it makes sense, it's literally drawn on sticky notes.

So, this comic is set in Splatoon 3. Since Pearl and Marina aren't seen in-game (yet), I imagined them being on vacation, so this comic is set as if Pearl and Marina are on vacation.

-

not gonna lie, i'll probably remove this part in the digital version. Why would Callie call them asking for help when she's literally part of the Squidbeak Splatoon? lol

-

This might be removed too, i'm not sure. I thought it would be funny to add an observer spying on the two, trying to find info about them and post it online.

They say "I KNEW IT, THEY ARE MARRIED!!", but i don't think that's really what I want to be canon for this. It's just a theory that this character immediately jumped to. I think Pearl and Marina are dating, but not married. Though, I do think that they both dream about marrying each-other every day.

Who knows, maybe I'll draw them getting married in the future...

-

Is it too early to be cooking up some drama? I mean I suppose the first chapter just being setting up the scene is fine, but also... kinda wanna get people hooked on the story from the start.. gotta keep them entertained quickly or they wont stay for long.. maybe?

Anyway, I headcanon that Marina keeps a photo album that's absolutely jam packed with photos of her and Pearl, from their first few moments all the way up to today. The photo album has a ton of those sticky tabs on pretty much every photo, each coloured tab having it's own meaning.

She looks at the photos when she's feeling down, and it helps her feel better. Of course, she couldn't help bringing it with her on her vacation — or, well.. she meant to, but as it appears here, it's gone missing...

-

I wrote this part based on a real event, one that actually took place while I was drawing this comic, actually.

As I said, I drew all of this in school, so I brought a little copybook where i had all the panels stuck together to create the comic.

One day, I took it out of my bag to take some photos of the panels, because I wanted to show them to my friend.

The next day, I put it in my bag, and went to school. Later, I realised that, the copybook.. wasn't in my bag at all. I couldn't find it.

I couldn't stop thinking about it. Did I drop it on the road, to be ran over by cars? Did someone find it, read through all the drawings, and laugh at how stupid it was?

I went home after school, and looked for my copybook. Nowhere. I tried to remember the events of that morning, when I put my copybook in my bag. I remembered picking it up from my desk, walking down the stairs to put it in my bag, then.. I don't remember what I did at my bag. My mind went blank, there was a gap in the middle.

I went about a week or two without the copybook, and I gave up at that point. However, I was called to the office one day, and they asked me if the copybook that they had in their office was mine. No idea how they somehow found it, someone else probably found it and gave it to the office. Which means.. yeah, I was probably right about someone looking through it and laughing, but nobody approached me about it, so it's probably someone that doesn't know me, and I don't know them, so to be honest, I'm fine with that.

-

Pearl giving out a heartwarming speech, very rare... just kidding, she cares about Marina, of course she'll try to keep her calm during this!

I wrote these panels as just Pearl talking to Marina, but I'm hoping this speech speaks to other people as-well, about how people never try to see the bright side, and always consider the absolute worst has happened.

It's normal for humans to over-exaggerate things. How many times have you had an upcoming exam, and been really stressed about it, but then when you get the exam paper, you realise, "Oh.. this is.. way easier than I imagined it being."?

The second last panel talks about being sentimental, about how we treat things, physical or digital, as if they will be forever gone if lost. It's a hard thing to lose something you've held onto for years. I had my 5-year-old Discord account banned and deleted, and just like that, every single conversation i held so close to my heart was lost.

It's not easy to let go of something like that. It may sound stupid, but yes, I did cry over pieces of text being lost. Even if I never looked through old messages, it's really nice to just know the fact that they're there, and I can look back through my past.

But we need to remember that, even if the visual form of something we love is gone, we will always have the memory within us. I will never forget meeting some of my closest friends, and all of the great times I had. Never.

-

That's the end of the first chapter. If I do end up creating the digital version, I'll post it here. Until then, stay tuned for the next chapter..!

[clatoera]

day twelve without a new chapter and i am about to to flesh out a plot point based on an answer to an anon i sent about an ooc side character in a fanfiction for a legally crack ship from a decade ago. PHEW.

marvel owns the flower shop. he works with clove (she's just moved to the city and marvel, her childhood bestie, is doing her a solid until she gets onto her feet) glim glam owns the tattoo shop with cato who she just found on craigslist fr. they all hate each other. but no they don't (they're in love)

here's my official characterization for this fic based on a trend on tiktok:

one for the money, two for the show (elvis' version): clove

one for the money, two for the show (taylor's version): marvel

one for the money, two for the show (lana's version): glim glam

one for the money, two for the hoes: cato

Okay bestie

1. This was funny to read as I was editing part of ch. 9 (meet me @ midnight or whatever Taylor says iykyk). I know its been a long wait but please I literally just pulled into Dennys to finish this!!! The fucking gremlins I do physicals on all day have stolen my time! I’ll pay someone to pretend to be me next week and do physicals on kids and i’ll write extra as a treat fr.

2. this is shaping up to be the longest chapter so..maybe that will makeup for the wait

3. I STARED at this like…are they calling MINE OOC because I consider it *expansion* of characters with three lines come fight me I’ll throw hands if needed

4. Mf glim glam on craigslist finding a business partner.

5. Whos in love with who (they hate each other)

6. This is such a bold take on this trend and i’s read it I wont even lie

7. Marvel as taylors version WHAT a take and its true

8. Before i even finished reading as soon as I recognized the trend i said oh cato has to be 2 for the hoes.

[renjunluvr119]

I’ve always lived for my family never myself. Was gonna die at 16 but wait the family who left you in the system needs help paying bills. So you say okay i will get a full time job and help. But no actually they are buying drugs with said money. Or when you get kicked out of your adoptive home at 18 bc you’re friends were drinking but you weren’t but they wont listen bc you come from a family of addicts. So at 18 you think okay maybe now but then you move in with your birth family bc the older sister you protected in foster care is now pregnant so you move in to take care of her. You raise her kid, she parties, she gets pregnant again and the cycle repeats. All the while you are taking care of your other niece bc her mother is too busy doing drugs and men. To the point where she calls you mother. You get accepted into college finally. How exciting oh but no you must drop out care for them. Then you are 20. You get evicted bc even tho you were giving money to pay bills they weren’t. You move in with a fiend for 3 months when you come back they have lost your niece to the system. This is your fault. Not theirs. Your sister is pregnant again you are working 2 full time jobs while being a full time student to keep your aid. Something has to give. So you drop out again. You are 22 she finally leaves but no now your oldest sister needs somewhere to live. She doesn’t work and she doesn’t clean or help at all but yet she complains. All the while your mother is there latched to you like a leech draining anything you have to give. You almost kill your self get locked away oh but now they have no money you must cut your stay short so you can provide. You are 24 your grandmother moves in from the nursing home bc she wants to be with family. Your sister says she will care for her you don’t have to worry. This is a lie. You are now here primary caregiver. You switch two a weekend job so you can care for her, the only thing you ask of your sister is to care for her on those days as you are working 12 hour night shifts. She cannot as she also has a job. It is October she has lost her job and is going on vacation. You sit and think you almost relapse you almost off yourself. You don’t only bc who will take care of your grandmother. She has done nothing wrong but give birth to your line. She was the one taking care of everyone for years. Now it is your turn. Has been since you were 16. Your sister tells you she is pregnant. There is no room for a child she does not have a job. She can do nothing to help with grandma or the house bc of the baby. You find yourself wishing she doesn’t come to term. You can’t be a mother for the 5th time when you’ve never given birth. You think does this make you a horrible person. Who knows you have long lost the idea of emotions. You have a mega fight you feel nothing the whole time as you try to argue your point. You talk level, she yells over you. You start to remember you turn 25 in December. You had plans to finally give up to finally let them handle to yourself, when your grandmother moved in you decided not too. But this reminds you for what? For why? Maybe i shall stick to my plans. I do nothing for them anyways? Surely she will be fine after i die. But who know i will not be here to see it. Ah December a wonderful month for me. When i was born, when i was taken into the system, when i became a mother to my sisters child. When she got out of jail and everyone forgot about my birthday, the month i spent alone working 10 hour days every day to pay bills and care for them in jail while leaving myself with 100 dollars for two weeks to eat and have gas and essentials, the month i got kicked out from my adoptive family and when i had to drop school. Fitting it should be the month to give me my last big hoorah. But you know… better luck next time i suppose

[websiter]

ahem ahem

me complaining for 1000 words

i got harassed yesterday and im still not over it. i dont know why this feels like a tipping point for me i was on a walk and he chased me and when i thought i was safe he came back in his car tried to give me money and im so sick of feeling unsafe and not knowing how to protect myself i dont know how im meant to just keep going and pretend things are fine i know its so cliche and stuff

i dont know why im finding it so hard to get by i dont know why im so irritable and all i wanna do is eat & pick my skin and watch cartoons on my phone i dont want anyone to talk to me i dont want to go to work i dont want to be exploited i dont want to go on any more walks i want to be in a home i feel safe in and feel secure in being able to eat however much i want and i want people to stop feeling like they deserve things from me and i want to not have that kind of responsibility i wish people still saw me as a kid maybe then i wouldnt get treated like this or maybe itd be ten times worse i dont know i wish peoples eyes skipped right over me and when they see me on the street they dont try to get me in their cars

im tired of feeling unsafe and im worried i never will feel safe im worried i wont ever be somewhere kind and quiet

in truth id be feeling a lot better rn if i had a pet cat but i dont have the space physically or mentally to properly care for one. my perfect home would have a big kitchen it would all be wheelchair accessible i would have a private garden and a fountain always on and id have high ceilings and id have rugs and we would all sit on the floor and my walls would be so decorated and theres be cool surfaces to lay your cheeks on and id have a bird bath cleaned out every day and id have pet pigeons and finches id have multiple aviaries id have a bed so big i could stretch out like a starfish on it and id have a chest of drawers and id have rooms and rooms and rooms dedicated to making art and id have a whole prayer room and id have multiple nice places to sit with friends and i would have so many fridges and freezers and i would never worry about how much anything costed and the rooms would be comfortable temperatures and the blankets would be soft and the water coming from the taps would be clean and not burning your hands off and not giving you frostbite. id have an oven that worked id have a vacuum cleaner id have enough room to keep all my belongings and never lose anything. id have enough room to keep guests over without having to sleep on the couch and if i wanted to sleep on the couch it would be fine because my couches would be huge and clean and fluffy and soft. in my bathroom there would be so so so many soaps and id own a robe and all my clothes would fit me and would never get stained and id have lots of hair dye also. and the shower would be roomy and i wouldnt have a shower curtain because i wouldnt even need one from how big the shower was and id also have a bathtub. in my garden id have jasmines growing and olive trees and pine trees and gardenia and a fig tree and date palms and id have a chicken coop and an area for cats to stay outside with a net so they cant hurt any birds and places for them to lie in the sun. id live far from other people and at night i would hear bugs. the house would be somewhere sunny and windy with rain every couple of weeks. my house would be so big it echoed. id have a room for wudu. next to my bedroom there would be a hidden pantry i could get into by crawling and in it would be so much food and so much chocolate id have my stash id never be hungry or thirsty. id have a tap in my room i could drink cool water from. id have glass on the ceilings so you can look and see the sun id have multiple tvs even one in my bedroom id have so many windows and heaps of natural sunlight. i would have a small library. id live far enough from the light pollution that the night sky would be beautiful id live near a small forest i could wander around in it wouldnt be dense and it wouldnt have steep drops. i would not live near mountains. id live somewhere where there was no one wandering around at night. the roads would be smooth and the pavement would be even and thered be leaves on the floor everywhere and no rubbish no rotting fruit no syringes no bad smells there would not be a single stray malnourished cat because i wouldve adopted every single one and brought it home. my pigeons would love me and my chickens too and maybe id even keep quails. and id walk outside and greet my cats every day theyd be shiny and clean and purring. my cats and my chickens and my pigeons and me would be purring. my house would be quiet and peaceful with no screaming, and i wouldnt be in anything that i wanted to get out of.

[squibbles-gubwee]

Even if you're an innocent bystander you're more fucked in ppg world. Gotham has villains??? Yeah okay that Sucks. But you know what else they have? Slight amounts of realism going on. 9/10 It a A VILLAIN that is fuckin up the town and you know thats bad but also like. Damn maybe you can get lucky and not get involved.

Townsville has villains AND MONSTERS. the amount of kaijuu that have fucked that place up is TOO many. The number of citywide "if we dont stop this EVERYONE dies" type shit is HUGE. And their fights are AS DAMAGING if not MORE DESTRUCTIVE as the villains' original plans. The place just gets fucked up on the REGULAR.

But now, lets talk more about the actual topic. Getting your ass beat.

Batman. Once a year. Batman KNOWS restraint, is the thing. He is a HUMAN man. A human man with some tech, but a human man. He kicks your ass, he probably wont even go all out bc his thing is "stop the threat, put away the villain" like if he fucking wanted he could kill all these people but he gives them a chance to like, redeem themself. He's also quite compassionate so, yknow. He maybe just beat you into next week, but Bruce Wayne probably covers your medical costs. "Sorry its gotta be this way dude. Least i can do is cover the cost."

The Powerpuff Girls are superpowered 6 year olds with six year old thoughts, feelings, and emotional understanding. They are six year olds with sonic screams, ice breath, laser vision and THEIR idea of what is right. Their OG name was The Woopass Girls. And they will WOOP. YOUR. ASS.

sure!! Theres episodes where the plot is solved peacefully!! Music, singing, whatever. That DOESNT CHANGE THE FACT THAT THEY MOSTLY BEAT THEIR VILLAINS NEARLY TO DEATH. Fuck man, I remember an episode where they just. BEAT the baddies and they werent even DOING anything. They just ASSUMED. and it was a PROBLEM. THEY fucked up. THEY HAVE PEACEFULLY RESOLVED THINGS, HAD THE VILLAIN STEP DOWN, SAID "well. now what." and then BEAT THE BAD GUY'S ASS ANYWAY!!!!

Let me also bring to attention another part of this i dont feel like people are thinking of: Time Of Day, and Social Standing.

Batman? most likely beating your ass in an alley at night. Lbr, thats his normal thing. He sometimes is out and about in the day, yeah, but usually? Night time. Its dark. Secluded. A grown man is kicking your ass at night and you can honestly probably just LIE and say "i dont know who that was i think i just got mugged" when you finally crawl out of there with your broken legs and ribs. You only gotta do it once a year.

THREE 6 YEAR OLDS ARE BEATING YOUR ASS IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, EVERY DAY, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. THE WHOLE TOWN CHEERS THEM ON. YOUR SOCIAL STANDING IS FUCKED. Your friends? Your family? Strangers??theyre all gonna be asking questions. Why the hell are a group of kindergartener beefing with you EVERY DAY. Why are you getting absolutely dunked on by a couple of super powered ankle biters. No one wants to be around that both bc thats fucking WEIRD but also they dont wanna get caught in the crossfire of YOUR DAILY. ASSWHOOPING.

And what is the question? Would you rather FIGHT. Not talk it out, not solve with the power of friendship, F I G H T.

you getting your ass beat. One just is once a year, the other is EVERY. DAY.

10 vs 365. Come on now.

[alwaysinlimbo]

Body Image

-----If you're not a fan of discussing body issues than i urge you not to proceed and I am sending you love-------

A journal prompt for tonight

How have the media and societal standards affected your body image?

Back in 12th grade, there was a girl in my writing class that was taking a survey: "Have you ever felt self-conscious due to social media?" I said no. I lied.

Social media has been one of my favorite things, but has also been the bane of my existence. On one hand, I see it as a scrap book for my life, where I can share things with my friends and pretend I'm pretty cool for a little while. I enjoy sharing. Sometimes oversharing. I take it that stems from childhood trauma too, as most things seem to.

As of right now, I currently have instagram and tik tok off my phone. for one, cause I am in my senior year of college studying STEM and need to focus on finals, but also because I found myself in the never ending loop of comparison again.

I often see people online, and even knowing full well that social media is completely fake, I still compare and compare and beat myself up over stupid things. It's a dumb thing really, looking at a place full of filters and perfectly chosen photos and thinking "wow I must be a real wreck huh." simply untrue.

I deal with chronic bloating, and because of this over the past year and a half, have become very self conscious in my day to day life. My most recurring thought is "what if someone thinks I'm pregnant???" I have spent so much time pondering why that's my first thought and why I am so scared of people's perception of me (something I cannot control might I add). I've come to realize that I find myself doing that at times, looking at another woman and having that thought. But then I thought to myself, where did I get that from??? Well, I've chalked it up to social media. How many times do you see a celebrity post a photo where maybe her tummy isn't perfectly flat, and suddenly, the comments are flooded with pregnancy skeptics.

It's terrible. If people would stop commenting on other peoples bodies I think the world would be an easier place to live in. But either way, whether you like it or not, seeing repeated comments like that, you end up being conditioned into having those thoughts yourself. I once read somewhere years ago that your first thought is what you've been conditioned to think, and it's really your second thought that matters.

Social media now has also been overtaken by trends upon micro-trends upon consumerism galore. A terrible cycle really. Every week it seems there's a new buzzword for a new micro-trend, and then Shein picks it up and adds loads of clothes under that buzzword, and then millions of trend followers run after and spend all their money on those clothes, only to follow the next micro-trend a week later.

I found myself falling into this cycle I wont lie. I will always say that I hate trends, I've never been someone that NEEDS to follow trends. If a trend happens to be something I like, then I'll be on board and if not, I'll just keep doing my thing. But the problem is that with the rise of tik tok came the rise of these aesthetics and names, and then these tik tokers who make these aesthetics their entire personalities. And when you see someone have millions of people love them for sticking to one aesthetic, you get stressed and start telling yourself that you have to stick to one aesthetic or you'll be a poser, or people will stop liking you.

It's simply not true, it's a poison that the internet has fed us, and I'm convinced they've done it as a way to make fast fashion companies richer, but that's a story for another day.

What I want to say now is that it's all complete bullshit (I hope I'm allowed to swear on here still, I haven't been on tumblr in ages so if not tumblr i'm sorry). We are human beings, and human beings are complex creatures with complex brains. We weren't built to only like one specific thing. We were made to be curious, and continue to expand ourselves and our interests. We are not an "aesthetic."

I have spent many wasted hours and days sitting and pondering my entire existence because I don't fit into a box. I'm cottage-core, but I'm also goth, but I'm also punk, but also I'm goblin-core, and I'm also 2000s twee, but I'm also a 70s rocker, but also an antique 20s girl, but don't forget that I'm 90s grunge, oh and trust me, I'm also midwestern Americana and southern gothic. Read that sentence over again if you couldn't figure out whats wrong with it. and again and again and again until you get it.

WE. ARE NOT. AN AESTHETIC.

You are allowed to dress however you want. There are no rules. These "rules" that seem to be unspoken but very loud, they're completely fake. Made up by mouths that could not process the information their eyes received correctly.

We are so complex, and that complexity creates such beauty. It's quite cliche but when you really think about it, it holds: If we were all exactly the same the world would be a horribly boring place.

I hope this gave some solace to anyone who stumbled across it. I know it certainly quieted my mind in the way I needed it to today. If you're hear, thank you for taking the time to listen to what I had to say, and I hope if you related, your days get easier and your heart feels less heavy. Much love <3

[loud-sturniolos]

So I need to ramble about my ex “friend” bc this mf did some horrible shit recently and I have no one to talk to abt it‼️‼️ This is rlly long, and may not make sense, but yk drama is drama, read if u wanna🤷‍♂️ Also, ngl, I’m also toxic in this argument but idc😞‼️

Also I’ve said like a bajillion times but nobody does it; my asks are open for literally anything, like pls talk to me I’m lonely af😞 U can literally ask for drama and I will tell y’all some random ass drama from my life if u want js pls talk to me LMFAO🙏

SOOOOO This kid that I was “friends” with (more like acquaintances, I dont rlly do friends) is such a fucking bitch like if I see him im gonna fucking beat the shit out of him. He messages me like every few weeks out of nowhere about random shit as if we’re friends, so the other day I kinda snapped when he asked “how are you” and i was like “idk why you care, you literally never talk to me at all, you left me on delivered for 3 months when I had nobody then randomly showed up again and tried to act as if nothing happened” and that kinda started an argument but he was to much of a pussy to argue w me😞 (Haven’t had a proper argument in a good while icl). Anyways next day this snapchat accoumt messages me that I’ve had added since december but like idk who it is, they message me w a snap using a random ass filter and the caption “Damien you gave me an eating disorder” so OBVIOUSLY I’m fucking confused asf, bc what?? Who randomly claims someone gave them an eating disorder??? Like especially claiming I gave them one whilst I’m recovering from my own?? back tf up. but anyways im like “wtf, who r u? idk u” and they listed like a few basic things that anybody on my snap knows, and i said anyone would know that, and then this mf bitch goes “Well ik your real parents are druggies” (Long story short, im adopted bc my real mum was addicted to her dads meds, idk abt my real dad) and obviously im like SHOVKED bc i’d only ever told like 4 ppl abt this that I trusted (idrc now tho, ill tell the world tbh😞‼️) so im instantly like “wtf who r u??” and he tries to make a guessing game out of it?? Like what the actual fuck?? Making a game out of my personal life is like a straight up no? Anyways I start yk, stalking n shit bc bro wont tell me who they are and I see their user name has “bl00dy” in, what do I see on my quick add? Ex friends full name, on a different account BUT the username has “bl00dy” in (btw im not like censoring that, thats literally how they spell it in the user💀), so I’m instantly like Who does this ugly mf think they are adding me on a fake account to talk abt my real parents n shit like that, so I head on over to whatsapp bc thats where we message and i send a ss of the fake acc and i say “is this you”, he deny it, I tell him all the proof I have that it’s him (Same hair colour/length from the snap, identical usernames, same humour, same typing style) and he denies it.

Guess who messages me 20 minutes later confessing? he does. If u gonna lie at least keep up the lie like tf? Anyways, he confessed and I was obviously pissed off bc I trusted him with personal info abt my real parents yk?? And I basically tell him he’s a stupid fuck that needs to get a life and he goes “Maybe I went a bit too far.” A BIT?! A BIT TOO FAR?! No mf you went WAYYY too far. Anyways idk what happened adter that part bc whatsapp wont let me back on it bc my storage is HORRIBLE. But I have some screenshots and can remember a bit of it sooo..

Next thing I have is him telling me “Human error is a think yn, you might not be autistic” so obviously I go off at him for that umh.. I wrote a lot so I’ll js put in the screenshot

so yhh.. that part happened😽

Next thing I have screenshotted pissed me off so much y’all dont understand omg. So first, he called me a high school drop out and called me special n told me i got sent to a “special school”, basically mocking my mental health and autism?? When I tell you I know so much about his trauma, and his mental health that I could have brought up in that argument i swear. anyways, i told him how the school i go to now isnt a special school, and that I didnt get “sent” i literally chose to go there, and also I haven’t dropped out of high school bc im still enrolled in a school??? then he suddenly starts asking me abt what job I wanted to do when I’m older, so I tell him (Child protection officer or a detective) and he starts telling me how 1. I’d probably brag about making a child cry and thats a whole other fucking thing if i went on abt that this would be way too long. and 2. How I can never get the jobs bc I need science. Keep that shit in mind, SCIENCE. He starts telling me abt how to get the job i want, the job i’ve been researching into for 3 years, he js starts telling me abt how ill mever get it. Then he brings up how I need psychology for it. And he says how psychology is a science. When I tell u this mf stupid istg😞 So I have to go explaining to this dumbfuck that i do not, in fact, need a science degree i meed a psychology degree. Then he tries to tell me how detectives use chemicals and stuff and I’m like… you mean the forensics team need chemicals? Bc detectives and forensics teams are two different jobs bae😨.

anywaysss, next thing I have screenshotted is me mocking his dumbass but idk the messages b4 it. but the SS is just this:

so thats cute. Anyways, the next thing that happened is when I got my older sister involved bc mf should not have brought it up!!

So I told him at some point to sort his memory out bc he was telling me things that didnt happen, then this mf tells me to basically stop being a hypocrite and tells me that the pills im on fucks up my memory. So, then im confused bc.. I’m not on meds? So I’m like “where tf did you get that from? i dont take pills” and this little fucker i swear i will kill him if he comes near me again, he fucking says “You failed an overdose, hence why I thought you took pills”. Who the fuck does this fucker think he is to bring up MY mental health? To bring up MY suicide attempts?!?! Like actually, he can shut right up bc he’s attempted too, so????? Anyways I was like fully gobsmacked rhat this stupid little fuck thought he could bring up my mental health like that, so I gave the phone to my sister bc shes a toxic bitch and she will gladly argue w anyone🤗

Heres a lil list of things I remember happening but don’t remember the whole thing(that dont make sense but oh well):

He brought up (to my sister) that she hangs out with “druggies” (People in her friend group smoke, vape, do ket, and weed etc. but she only smokes and vapes)

He sent a very quickly deleted message that I managed to read that was basically him 1. calling me a she (transphobic little shit) and 2. telling someone else about MY overdose. Honestly💀. Me and my sister know who he was most likely telling anyways bc he only has one friend😽

Anyways rhats all I rlly rememberrrr.. I can probably remember skme other things, or drama that happened before this argument so if you want more of my drama filled life js ask‼️😽

[raccoon0001]

November 20th, Monday 20:38

So, first of all, hello, Im Raccoon, well at least i would like to be one. Im 17 years old and i frequently write down my thoughts when i feel sad or angry in a pink notebook by my bed, for the past four maybe three years.

And lately i have been thinking of just trying to write down my thoughts everyday, about how i feel, to know what i am even feeling, and that I'm not just overwhelmed and impulsive at the moment. So i don't ruin my next week or day by obsessing over that one boy that smiled that one time at me or was funny. Because in reality he doesn't like me and i need to step down and realise that, but maybe he does and everything is not a big fat lie, but it is. At least for me, mostly. Everything, almost, everything is fine in my life, except for being kinda fat and not having a real, single boyfriend in my 17 years of living. I know that is not that much and what i am even worrying about, because i have the whole life ahead of me(i dont see myself living past 20). Well could kind of imagine it, but because of one thing and another i always thought i would not live past 18, but now i am 17 so its quite possible i will live past 18, dont really know what will happen afterwards.

Its kind of a dilemma i know to love someone u need to first love yourself and shit, but i really hate myself most of the time, i hate how i look, i hate how lazy i am, i hate stressful i am, i hate how sick i am...yada yada yada. I know there are physical things i am able to fix, but how do i know i just wont regress? Even now im imagining how this blog or whatever this is, is gonna get popular, and be turned into inspiration for poems or people, but after all this text is just my personal feelings, about myself, for myself, that dont really make sense sometimes, because my native language is not english lol and im typing in a hurry and then gonna prob put a pretty background or something and post it if i get the courage, well its a very big probability nobody is going to read this ever, bcs lets honest who reads blogs these days..

always the artist never the muse" i have been very attached to this quote(dont know who is the author) i even begun last year attending professional art school, so i will probably never be the muse even how much i want to be one. Its almost the same with taking pictures, im always taking pictures of others and there are almost never anyone taking picture of me without asking. Well i dont really like people specially taking pictures of me, because of how ugly i look, but still, i dont know. Theres this one friend who takes pictures of me, because that of other things that that person does makes me think im gay or that she likes me, because shes gay. I think im not gay. Like i would prefer a guy fucking my brains out not a girl, but i could never imagine anyone fucking me, mby i can.. hmm not rly, maybe because i have never been fucked, or my imagination is kinda weak. Well i am in art school so i thought it should be good, but lately, well after that thing in 2018 april, I think i have been in this one giant art block. Maybe i need to go to a therapist, to sort things out, not really sure.

I wish sometimes i was a boy. And i think i stink right now, fully emotionally and physically. Whats up with that.

I must have too many dreams and too little motivation.

I dont think i should have continued art, its too much, im not even good at painting, if i actually started practicing more maybe i would, but i think im still worse than most of my peers. And in this school there are mostly girls here and i know almost nobody outside the school and town bcs i didnt even live here two years ago, the ppl who have lived here their whole childhood dont even know where to turn to get a shortcut!

My goal this evening was to paint something, but somehow i started writing a blog..

I think i should have been better of dying that day in 2018. Im not good of a person and i dont really know if ill ever change. What does actually happen after death? Has anyone thought of that? I kind of think after you die its just all pitch black and then u suddenly open your eyes and there you are as your first memory u can think of at 10 years old or whatever, like 'snap' and there you are, but dont know who you were or who you will be. I kind of want to get into biology, but idk if a have the commitment for it.

Two days ago when i was a home visiting my family, after sauna, I was sitting by the table with some other cousins at my grandmas house and one of the older cousins, who was kinda drunk btw, asked me if i had a boyfriend, i thinking already of crying and just jumping down a building calmly said: "no, do i need one?". i want one.

I think my mom is homophobic, but. i also think that im not gay, but i will probably never get a bf, because ppl these days are very obsessed by how other ppl look from the outside mostly or i just dont know a lot of ppl and real life is not like the movies or manga that i read in my free time, that i should stop reading, maybe that would solve everything.

Also by wishing that i was a male, because it really seems to be bit easier to be a boy, how the world looks at you, and how theres a lot more chance of no rejection. Maybe im just living in my small minded world and have not that many ppl with different opinions on life that would make me understand that the world works differently. A lot of ppl around me also believe we are born to fulfil our one mission here on earth, i still dont see mine here, like ppl would be fine if i went and died and go on with they're life normally, because im just this one little spec of dust besides other 7 billion dust pieces, that separately are a nobody. Maybe my family would be devastated, but prob would be prepared for this kind of event about me and i think it would be much easier for my mum if i died, she worries too much about me.



Im just lonely.

A selfish bitch.

[wtfuggg]

1st?

Writing this for myself. I think. I don't really know what I'm doing starting this; probably the same reason that I've bought 6 journals from Whitcoulls and not once have I made it past 4 entries. I think I love the idea of having my thoughts in one place so I can reflect back and see what I thought at a specific time. Such a shame my memory stretches back to max last weekend.

Like, my memory now is horrifically bad. I don't even recall what I had for lunch yesterday, let along what I did at work today. My grandma had Alzheimers, so maybe it's started making its way down to me. Finger's crossed it isn't but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised, I feel like my dad's side of the genetics (aka my fucked up hairline) is predominent in my make up. Sad right?

Anyways, I wish I could just reflect back on my life and instantly recall what I felt. I wish I could look back in time and remember what I thought when I was in the closet? Or what I felt when my mum passed away? Or when I was in love with my best friend's American flatmate? God I wish I had written down my thoughts more often, time is flying by incredibly fucking fast. And it's scary. And it's daunting. And its all the synonyms of "frightening" you can think of.

Here goes my first entry. Digital this time, so maybe I wont be as ceebs when it comes to this in comparison to when I grab a pen and paper and I feel like I'm in an indie little film x

Bur for real, I wanna start this little blog off with how I'm, feeling right now. Right now is Friday the 15th of September 2023. A week prior to my one year anniversary at work. A year and a month since I've moved to Auckland. 2 years since I graduated uni. 2 years since my mum died. 3 years since covid. God, isn't it weird how you think of time through milestones? Like why can't everyday just be a milestone. I guess its self explanatory - and I guess I'm only frustrated that I can't remember my life.

I'm already ceebs writing this not gonna lie hahahaha, but I'm gonna push through but maybe I break this down into more bit sized chunks. Next one I'll do a piece on how I push people away, maybe sprinkle a little bit of self pity and self loathing into that one xox

Right now, I feel like I'm going through it - but not in the same way that I've gone through it in the past. I think it's some sort of growth, but I couldn't be certain. I really have no idea what I'm feeling. I wish I could say. I mean a few nights ago, I was ranting to my flatmate how I'd wanna go back to Christianity, then the following day I was sending Gavin Caselegno messages asking him for dick pics? Like I cant seem to make my mind up. God it must be so exhausting to be around me. I pity myself. I pity anyone around me to be honest. Don't think anyone should be around me. Why? Cause I'm fucking up and down man, every single day. I could be happy one moment and be depressed as fuck the next. It's a constant cycle of being inconsistent. If it's tiring for me, I can't even begin to imagine what it'd be like for anyone in close proximity to me. Or maybe I'm just overthinking this too much. No one actually cares. Genuinely no one. So maybe I just live my life how I wanna live it lol.

I think it's all catching up to me - being indecisive that is. I feel my entire life has been a mask - I don't really know myself and thats why I cant control my emotions. In fact, for a little while i thought everyone was faking their emotions cause i didnt feel any. Probably up until 2021, I genuinely thought that there was something wrong with me cause I never felt any 'real' emotion. Or If i did, I didn't think they were real, or I didn't have the emotional capacity to rationalise them. I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel all the emotions, but empathy is something I dont think I have.

That's another thing too. I'm so fucking selfish its insane hahahaha, Like I feel like I'm only ever concerned about myself. But so be it, am i right? No one's ever been there for me. Friends drift away, relationships drift away, even family, who i thought would be forever.. also drift away.. how fucking sad hey. Mateeeee honestly now that I'm starting to unpack this I feel like this will take way longer than anticipated lol. maybe this can be my little therapy book x

Kinda tired writing - so maybe i give this up and save it for another time. My flatmates are also watching a fucking show and I can't sleep and its grinding my gears damn. Anyways, okay signing off. Gonna check back in soon x