#this is a journal entry at this point ahahaha

[blackbirdsinmypie]

sooo much i want to talk about. hmm i was going to write most of it in my journal but i'm short on time so i'll type it instead. v long so it's under a read more:

the project is over and it was a success! some stumbles here and there, but overall, we did really well. so proud of everyone for this one!

thank you to our project managers and my academic team manager in particular. you guys are the real MVPs! you gave 110% of yourselves this entire project and i appreciate it so so much, you're my inspirations hahaha.

spend a wonderfulllll few days with a beloved friend of five years! i wrote a poem for her a few weeks ago, it's on here somewhere. i'm so so glad to have been able to spend time with her after so long. she's a very dear friend to me and her presence literally lights up a room. <3

had a panic attack lol. this was the not so great part. that's literally never happened to me before, esp. not in public. i was hyperventilating, sweating, my hands were tingling, i was crying and i couldn't stop for the life of me, and i was really disoriented. and all of this right in the main room, in front of everyone. i don't know why it had to happen right there and then. sooooo embarrassing :< the trigger was the fact that i missed out on the group photo but that's such a stupid fucking thing to have a panic attack over - i think it was more the combo of the stress + lack of sleep + the constant performativity of teaching in front of so many people (including my lovely classmates!) + the myriad of mental health problems i am currently dealing with, and that little thing - the missing out on the group photo for a project that i've worked so hard for (also fucking w/ my dormant abandonment issues) - was the straw that broke the camel's back, in a way. and i just had a full blown panic attack in the main room in front of my classmates and juniors and everyone. so embarrassing :<

thank you so so much to my lovely friends for taking such good care of me and helping me through it!!! i appreciate it so much. they really did try their best to soothe me. i'm so lucky to have such kind and caring friends in my life.

thinking back, i should have gone somewhere quiet, sat down, and tried to control my breathing. seems pretty logical. but i didn't realise i was having a panic attack at the time - i just thought i was feeling particularly emotional for some reason and i needed to will myself into calming the fuck down. but a panic attack is such a physical thing, you can't really stand there and mentally force yourself to stop shaking and hyperventilating. but i didn't know what to do. i just stood there and hyperventilated and tried so so hard to stop crying. i promise i was trying so hard. i couldn't stop. i'm so embarrassed about it.

i talked to everyone after the event had ended - i was still coming down from my panic attack at that point and my voice was shaky and i was still sort of holding back tears. i should have gone somewhere quiet and waited until it was over before talking to anyone. but i talked to everyone and gave them my thanks and told them how incredible they were and how much i appreciated their work. i wonder if i made anyone uncomfortable - i was still visibly upset at this point, but i was trying my hardest to be composed. i should have waited. i really hope i didn't make anyone too uncomfortable. but i meant what i said. am i overthinking things again? i've been overthinking a lot recently. it's not good for me.

but everyone was so supportive, which i'm incredibly grateful for. you guys are the best.

some of the juniors asked for my contact info after the event. it was embarrassing facing them like three minutes after the worst of the panic attack had passed, tears in my eyes, voice wobbling and breathing still weird. like fuck!!!! i'm supposed to be an inspiration and a role model for these kids!!! and here i am fucking. having a breakdown in front of them!!! AHHHHH!!!!! v embarrassing but it's okay. it's no biggie. fuckkkkkkkk

we went for dinner afterwards. drank a glass of beer - icky!!! i don't like the taste of hops. i'll stick to fun cocktails in the future. everyone seemed very surprised/ecstatic that i was drinking though. i felt like britney spears singing oops i did it again - "i'm not that innocent" lol.

slept at my friend's hotel room. it was so nice being with her - she brings out the loud side of me that i haven't seen in a while. i love it.

also all my friends and a lot of the juniors said that i did a really great job w teaching my topics! political philosophy and public administration are both tricky, but i hope i made it at least a little more interesting than reading out of a textbook. i'm proud of myself for this one.

all in all - i have been on quite the emotional rollercoaster these past few days. but i'm glad to have been a part of this project. it's brought me a lot closer to a my classmates and i'm beyond grateful for that.

hope that panic attack doesn't happen again though. because what the fuck was that

[pink-pony-grrrl]

Journal Entry ‎♡₊˚ 🦢・₊✧

(note: all the names in this story are fake, i didn't want to post their actual names bc confidentiality or whatever) fuckkkkkkkkkkkhjgfdszxfcghvbjnk fucking shit man. Im fucking crying at school in the back of my history class. What the fuck man. I fucking hate this. Thank god no one at school follows this tumblr or else i would be so fucked oh my godddd. But basically, its my second closest friends birthday today right! Which is pretty awesome. Leaf had a sleepover with a few of our friends from school over the weekend over with Jessica, Solo, Nolan, and myself. Including Leaf, it was 5 of us. I was pretty excited bc its super sunny and nice outside, im going to Carnegie hall later, i was chillin. But the fucking LUNCH rolls around. My two friends, we'll call then Jesse and Gianna. Jesse and Gianna got up and left the lunch table and walked away. I thought it was kinda strange how they left and we only just sat down to eat our food. Then, my friend (we'll call her alexa) Alexa said "Hey, we need to talk." Uh oh. I looked at my friend (We'll call them Leaf) Leaf and I had a kinda "ahahaha, wtf is happening kind of facial expression." And Alexa was like "Why the fuck are you laughing." LIKE WOAH,,, calm down bro..... I laugh whenever I get nervous. It's a nervous tic, I can't fucking control it bro. But then, right after that, Alexa was like "We feel like some people in this friend group excludes some of us." Okay, I know what it feels like to be excluded. It hurts. I've been in super toxic friend groups and it's not fun. Alexa then proceeds to say "We feel like sometimes people hang out and don't invite everyone." WELL NO FUCKING SHIT,,, OUR FRIEND GROUP IS 10 PEOPLE, WE CAN'T INVITE EVERYONE EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME MAN...like.... Then Leaf proceeds to apologize and said something along the lines of "I'm sorry if I made anyone feel left out, i only had but so much space in my house. I couldn't inv every1" and then Alexa said "but you didn't invite Gianna and or Zara." WHICH IS A LIE. ON MONDAY ZARA WAS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO LEAF WHEN THEY MADE THE ANNOUNCEMENT??? I WAS LITERALLY THERE BRO, U CANNOT ATTEMPT TO GASLIGHT TWO PEOPLE....Leaf then made another apology (which they shouldn't have to do on their birthday...) After another apology from Leaf was made, Alexa pointed to Nolan and said "Let's start with you." Uh oh, where is this going..... "Nolan, we never brought up your ex and what happened with Logan was messed up." BRO, THE LOGAN THING WAS FROM LAST YEAR AND HE DID SEND A REALLY HEARTFELT APOLOGY, SECOND, YOU JUST BROUGHT UP THIS POOR BOYS EX. HE MADE HIS LIFE MISERABLE FOR YEAR FOR A REALLY TOXIC AND MANIPULATIVE PERSON. BROOO..... THIRD, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO W/ THE ORIGINAL THING U WANTED TO TALK ABOUT??? THATS A WHOLE OTHER KID OF PETTY WHAT THE FUCK. Finally, it was time for us to head up. I texted Leaf and Solo and said "hey can we go up a different staircase." We did and started to cry on the third floor.

[terminaxshowtime]

4 that relation bingo; I don't remember the name v well, but fiddleauthor I think it was?

ah... ahahaha... AHAHAHAHA

FIDDAUTHOR MY BELOVED

God where do I start uh

okay so at first when I first watched the show I was like "oh people probably ship these two" and I didn't really look further into it until I started getting really into stangst fanfics and then I realised Fiddauthor was pretty common.

I kinda started looking further into it and realised. wow! This is kinda tragic!

mainly cuz they got along so well (in journal 3 ford rants about how impressed he is with fiddleford and what he does, as well as knowing his quirks such as the rubic's cube) and seemed to really be having fun with their research, but after the gremloblin encounter and Shifty's 'betrayal' things kinda went downhill.

ford clearly notices his partner's discomfort and his mental state, even with the quirks and all, and he tries to help him with meditating and exercises (well now I'm imagining ford doing yoga which is really weird) and the memory gun thing happened.

ford REALLY trusts fiddleford (honestly he trusts everyone way more than he should) so when he realizes that he had erased his memory he was really betrayed, not that he remembered after it was re-erased anyways.

then bill kinda made ford not trust fiddleford st all, so the day before the portal accident when he gave him his cataloged research (which must've taken a while. how considerate!) he was so far gone, trusting demons more than his... partner, which if you read the journal 3 entry is really sad to see.

And then the section afterwards.

Oh boy.

He was SO pissed when Fiddleford left, turning his own fears and anguish into anger, because he was too blind to see that he was wrong and that he really did care about him. (He was obviously crying when he wrote that page.)

(We don't talk about the section afterwards.)

ANYWAYS. The other parts!

Narratively, this makes so much sense. Fiddleford leaves his family- including his wife and son- to be with some college buddy (and they were roommates ;) ) for god knows how long for some reason he probably didn't even know until he got there.

Also, each of them seem so greatly effected by the other's actions (the BETRAYALS).

Another point for this, though, is the fact that in the limited edition copy of Journal 3, it is revealed that the password for the laptop is "Stanford."

Now, I thought this was just Ford being egotistical, but I remembered that Ford doesn't go by "F"- Fiddleford does. So the password to his computer is someone else's name... which is pretty gay, not gonna lie.

Also the REUNION during Weirdmaggeddon? AHHHHHHH????

Anyways, they have the PERFECT energy together, I think they would've gotten along very well if it wasn't for the fact that Bill existed or if Ford helped Fidds deal with his traumatic experiences better.

Wow, i wrote a lot. Maybe I'm more passionate about this than I thought...