#this is a joke please info dump to me about turtle sex

[captainlordauditor]

dear tumblr how do i politely and lovingly ask my qp to stop telling me about turtle sex

[fanfic-scribbles]

Mouthy Broad

Fandom: Avengers

Summary: You and Bucky try to go out on a date only to get waylaid by some pathetic wanna-be vigilantes. There are no words for how fucking stupid this is. You’re going to try to find some, regardless.

Quick facts: Romance – Bucky/Reader – Female Reader

Warnings: Side story for “On the Run” (though I put in enough info that you don’t have to read that first), abrasive/sarcastic Reader, language, sex joke, established Bucky/Reader, Reader and Steve have a friendship based on friendly antagonism (they don’t actually hate each other they just act like it), Reader recovering from traumatic event.

Words: 2470

A/N: The idea made me laugh, and then when I wrote it I got infected with feels, so here, have the fruits of my labor. A little one-shot for “On the Run” that takes place after that series, though I did my best to make it comprehensible to people who don’t wanna go through a sixteen part series to understand a 2k+ story. I think it worked, but only time can tell.

“On the Run” Masterlist Here (if you’re interested)

This is some bullshit.

You open your mouth to say just that when Bucky lifts his hand. “Please, whatever you’re going to say, just…don’t.”

You scowl at the back of his head. It’s impossible for him to see you, since he’s too busy trying to crush you between his back and the wall. Still he says, “I know. I know.”

You let out a sigh and try to make yourself as small behind him as you can. This was supposed to be easy. You and Bucky have been cohabitating for a couple of weeks now and aside from the new luxury rent-free digs courtesy of Tony Stark, you’ve been getting on as you always have. Well, mostly. Getting kidnapped and tortured would make anyone shy about leaving their heavily-fortified house, (‘house’, ‘giant tower protected by superheroes and mad genius, to-may-to, to-mah-to), and you’re still in the land of New Relationship Bliss. Getting dressed and going outside will always be less fun than sitting in your PJs on the couch with Bucky, alternating between making fun of whatever you’re watching and just plain making out.

Living your best life indeed.

Still, you don’t plan to play Rapunzel forever. You intend to get a job and you’d like to go outside without looking over your shoulder constantly. You’re very aware of why you avoid going out and it has made you more determined to get out on the town. Fuck Hydra; you’re not going to let them get to you so much that you stay inside eating snacks forever. So you decided, while having a particularly good day, that you and Bucky were going to go on a date in the outside world, dammit.

(Because after accomplishing that you can stay inside eating snacks forever if you want but with a sense of superiority, which really makes all the difference in the world.)

So earlier you basically told Bucky ‘get up asshole we’re going to see a movie and get dinner,’ (okay maybe not ‘basically’ maybe it was ‘literally’; what do you know), and with a remarkably light amount of grumbling, he got dressed and presentable and you both went out with the best of intentions.

Only to get crowded down a side street and trapped in a loading dock by a bunch of idiots with guns. For fuck’s sake, it’s barely even dark out and these guys are just–

“Let the girl go, Winter Soldier!”

You poke your head out. “Hey dickweed, the only danger to me is you and your wanna-be vigilante dickweed friends!”

Bucky hisses your name. You huff and go back into hiding. Admittedly, you’ve seen enough guns to last a lifetime, thanks, but these morons are…well…morons. Also, young, which is probably the only thing saving them from Bucky’s lethal force. Once they started tossing around ‘war criminal’ accusations Bucky went heavy on the defense while you have never wanted to punch someone more in your life (with maybe one exception).

“An idiot with a firearm is still an idiot with a firearm,” Bucky says and lets out his own sigh.

“Among other things,” you mutter. You peer around him again. “Hey! Idiot Number One!”

Idiot #1 looks around like you must be talking to someone else. Idiot #1– with a bullet. “Who, me?”

“Yeah, you! Barry with the Bad Hair–” Seriously, this fucker looks like he stepped off the off-off Broadway stage for “Amadeus”. “Where’d you get the cell signal blocker?”

Bucky says your name like he’s trying to talk himself out of knocking you unconscious. Or maybe he’s reconsidering who, out of the two of you, gets to be the human shield. Whatever it is, it definitely involves Bruce’s breathing exercises.

Idiot #1 pats his hair self-consciously and then scowls at you. “I’ll answer that if you tell me why you’re standing behind the Winter Soldier.”

“Deal!” What a fucking moron.

He nods like he has any sense of dignity or decorum when the only reason he and his friends are conscious is because they have murder tools and you are soft and squishy and have no sense of self-preservation. It was even on your list of ‘Cons’ for your ‘Going Outside’ list which you are clearly going to have to revisit.

“Let’s just say a friend of the people has a vested interest in shutting down Stark–” he tries to spit on Tony’s name but it’s a bit too drooly and oh god this is pathetic and gross now, “–tech.” He swallows and points. “Now you.”

“Well I was out on a date and some asshole morons started waving guns around so this jerkwad shoved me here to help keep my cute ass sans bullet holes.” You flip your hair. “Sorry; I’m on a ‘no lead’ diet.”

“That’s not– I didn’t s–” He turns a little red when he realizes, yeah, that is what he said. “I meant why are you defending him?! He’s a killer!”

“And you waving a gun around is just for funsies? Does it pop out a flag that says ‘bang!’?” You probably come off a little too angry, given the way Bucky squeezes your arm reassuringly, but really, ‘sick of this shit’ doesn’t even begin to cover it.

“We are correcting an oversight of the law,” Idiot #1 says, sounding so snooty it’s almost unbelievable that some butler or nanny isn’t coming to collect him for bedtime. He’s not your main concern anymore though. The kid to your extreme left is shaking like a leaf and you can’t really see, but you doubt he’s practicing proper gun safety.

“Hey, Judge Dredd.” You point at Shaky. “If you’re not out to get innocent people shot then maybe tell Hair Trigger to lay off, yeah? The guy’s just as likely to shoot you as he is to shoot us.”

Idiot #1 looks over and sighs, like his friend is just being embarrassing and not like he’s being embarrassing while holding a deadly weapon. It’d serve him right to get grazed by friendly fire. “Jerry, we talked about this. If you can’t–”

“No, I– I got this,” Shake-us Maximus says and takes a deep breath. He steadies only slightly. “I got this!” He looks like he’s imagining a music swell play under his triumph. You can’t help but roll your eyes.

“Oh my god!” Token Girl gasps. “They rolled their eyes at the exact same time!”

What a shock, that Bucky would also find that lame guy super lame. Idiot #2 has a giant Adam’s apple that you can see move with his swallow. He stammers, “Wha-what if she’s an android designed to be an extension of him?”

You burst out laughing. “Wow! Wow.” You can’t form any other words at first. They come eventually. “That is the dumbest conspiracy theory I have ever heard, and I once went on a date with a moon-landing denier.” That’s a fun memory. By comparison. “You think I’m some high-tech ventriloquist dummy?” Though you think maybe, considering the circumstances and relationship, ‘Real Doll’ might be a more accurate comparison. You poke Bucky. “By the way, sorry to disappoint, but fisting is not an achievement unlocked on a first date.”

“Jesus Christ,” he mutters and squishes you more against the wall. “Why do I always find the tiny idiots who want to fight everything? Why is this my life?”

“I am not tiny,” you say. “Take that back.”

Bucky looks at you, and then looks at himself. “You’re not bigger than me. And you don’t know how to fight. So, yeah– tiny idiot.”

“I swear to god if you are lumping me in with Steve again I’m going to dump your ass on your own couch.”

Bucky rolls his eyes and looks back at them. But you cross your arms and add, “Maybe one of these losers will let you sleep on theirs. Maybe you can find out what’s killing their brain cells that they think this is a good idea.”

Bucky sighs a little more roughly. “Can’t you be serious for five minutes?”

“With guns pointed at me? Fuck that; if I’m going out I wanna make it hard to pick out which zinger goes on my headstone.”

Bucky is quiet for a moment, stealing little glances at you. Then he spins and pins you to the wall so securely that you have to take shallow breaths. “Bucky?”

“Nothing’s gonna happen to you. All right?” he says, keeping eye contact and staying almost in kissing distance. You could close it if you want, but you’re honestly not in the mood. Which blows because Bucky shoving you up against the wall is supposed to be really hot.

“Don’t– don’t turn your back on them, you idiot.” You try to push him back but he just presses his forehead to yours.

“Shh,” he says. “Don’t look at them, don’t listen to them. Just focus on me. People like that’ll kill your brain cells if you’re not careful.”

The Brooklyn is coming out strong, which normally only happens when he’s relaxed. However, you find yourself at a loss to make fun of him for it. Well, right now, anyways. “Seriously, turning your back on a bunch of guns? You’re not Steve; you don’t have a shield to turtle under!”

“Oh my god, is that Captain America?!”

You blink and peek as the Armed Idiot Brigade start to fan over an annoyed and cautious Steve Rogers.

You lean back against the wall and consider. Well, it’s worth a shot. “You’re not rich; you don’t have a million dollars waiting to rain down on you!” You wait. Nothing. Drat. Bucky huffs and you shrug as he lets up. “Hey, can’t blame a girl for trying.”

“Oh, are we interrupting?” Tony says as he floats down in his suit.

You smirk at Bucky and he rolls his eyes. “Doesn’t count,” he says.

“Eh. Close enough,” you say and look around the combined wall of Tony Stark as Ironman and Bucky Barnes as Moron Who Thinks His Metal Arm Is the Same as a Suit of Armor. Thankfully, Steve has negotiated the idiots into at least lowering their weapons.

“I’m confused,” Tony says.

“It’s okay. You just look like a million bucks, Stark,” you say and flash him a smile.

“Only a million?” he asks as though mortally offended.

“Fine. A thousand.”

“But–”

“Keep going and it’ll be a hundred.” You smooth out your clothes and go back to paying attention to the goings-on. Steve is talking to Idiot #1 and looking like he’d rather deal with anyone else. It’s sort of hilarious already. “Hey Steve! I will be nice to you for an entire day if you punch that guy!”

Steve immediately looks thoughtful. “An entire day?”

“Wh-what?!” Idiot #1 goes pale and jerks back. “Y-you wouldn’t!”

“Twenty-four hours, no more, no less,” you say and delight in the way the little asshole shakes. Good. Let him be terrified for a few minutes. Fair is fair.

“Hey, if you knew her like I do then you’d be tempted too.” Steve takes one step, not even giving any real weight to it, but Idiot #1 falls on his ass. His friends stand around, stunned. Well at least they won't shoot Captain America.

“But– but you hate bullies!” Idiot #1 whimpers.

“Yeah. I really do.” Steve kneels down and rips the gun away. The weenie gasps and holds his hand. Please. Steve has stolen a pack of cookies from you with more force; there’s no way that hurt. “I really hate watching a group of people aim weapons on a couple just trying to enjoy a nice night out.”

Idiot #1 stammers, but shuts up when Steve holds up his hand and stands. “I’m not a cop, so I can’t read you your rights, but the authorities are on their way, so you might want to stay quiet regardless.”

At that, the idiot minions try to run. Tony lifts up and drops down in front of Shaky. Natasha creepily appears in front of Idiot #2, and Token Girl jumps back with a shriek when she almost slams into Clint. You take count of the guns lying on the ground and you finally, finally can breathe again. Once they’re all secured Tony takes off with whatever they used to block your call for help, muttering something about…hammers? You don’t really care, as long as Pepper doesn’t blame you for him locking himself in the lab again. You maintain that hovering coffee cups seemed like a really great idea at the time.

Anyways. Due to the motive, the intended victim, and the dumbasses’ previous loud claims to be vigilantes, the morons are going to be taken into SHIELD’s custody rather than the police’s. Coulson’s creepy bland smile freaks them out, which you approve of, and after taking statements and grabbing the evidence, he and Steve go off together talking about how they’re going to scare them straight, which you whole-heartedly approve of.

However at the end of it all you’re frazzled, hungry, and wondering why you thought leaving your room was a good idea.

“Hey.” Bucky slides his arm around you and you lean into him. “We missed the movie but we can still get dinner.”

It sounds good in theory. Everything is fine now, you’re starving, and Steve can’t crash your date to ‘chaperone’ like he threatened to when you left the tower earlier. You want to, you really want to…

…but what if something else happens?

Bucky looks at you like he knows what you’re thinking. Or maybe he’s zoning out and running through his own doomsday scenarios. It’s hard to tell with this guy, sometimes. Eventually he says, “I got an idea,” and pulls you along to where Natasha and Clint are talking. They look up when you approach and Bucky says, “We’re gonna hit up that diner near the tower before we head back. You two wanna join us?”

“Oh, I love that place!” Clint says, eyes bright and wide until Natasha elbows him.

“We don’t want to crash your date,” she says, looking at you.

You like where Bucky is going with this, though. “You’re not; we’re inviting you.”

“All right then,” Natasha says with a nod.

“Yes!” Clint says and falls in next to you as you walk, Natasha on his other side, and Bucky on yours. “They have the best pies, let me tell you…”

And he does, much to your amusement and Bucky and Natasha’s annoyance. You all settle into a booth and Natasha starts ribbing Clint, as is right and normal. It feels a little less like a date and more like a night out with friends, but when Bucky’s hand settles on yours on the cracked vinyl bench, you think that taking baby steps might be all right after all.

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