#this illusion that you grieve for everyone is so stupid you cant just feel bad for ppl who had the most exciting deaths

[cruelsister-moved2]

i just honestly just hope those people on the submarine were dead all along like the handwringing is tedious & that amount of money and resources should never have been devoted to going down there & shouldn’t be devoted to saving them either but i just cant think of anything worse than being trapped in there for days & days waiting to die literally horrifying and unthinkable i hope they died instantly

[stardustprompts]

the dragon republic - r.f kuang   sentence starters change tenses/pronouns as needed !!  some lines have been edited for clarity / length / ease of roleplaying tw :   drugs , suicide mention , illness , addiction , death , murder , nsfw  , language

‘I’m telling you, you’re not in any state to be useful.’

‘get out of bed and stop being such a brat.

‘you will learn to control yourself, and you will start protecting them.’

‘you think you’re on the brink of madness, you think that this moment is going to be when you finally snap, but it’s not.’

‘eventually you learn to exist on the precipice of insanity.’

‘it should have been you. you should have died.’

‘revolution is fine in theory. but nobody wants to die.’

‘you can stop pretending to be my friend, because I know that’s all you came for.’

‘you’re dead. I saw you die.’

‘all you want is to get your revenge. but you could be so much more. do so much more. you could change history.’

‘can’t I be happy? I’ve missed you.’

‘of course you’re in on this madness. what did I expect?’

‘you’re frightened all the time. you think everyone’s out to get you, and you want them to be out to get you because then that’ll give you an excuse to hurt them.’

‘fuck your pain.’

‘you asked how large my sorrow is, and I answered, like a river in spring flowing east.’

‘if you just keep breathing, I’ll tell you a story.’

‘you spend your whole life chasing after some illusion you think is real, only to realize you’re a damned fool, and that if you reach any further, you’ll drown.’

‘you don’t have to suffer alone, you know.’

‘you’re so strong. whatever you’re seeing, whatever you’re feeling, it’s not as strong as you are.’

‘she thinks it’s funny to watch her prey squirm before she kills it.’

‘she knows what drives men, and she takes their deepest desire and makes them believe that she is the only thing that can give it to them.’

‘I don’t need your fake sympathy.’

‘I know nothing. I help no one. let’s leave it at that, shall we?’

‘you are my greatest weapon. do not disappoint.’

‘you’ve been feeling the pull, haven’t you? it’s consuming you. your mind is not your own.’

‘does it ever bother you? that you are only a pale imitation of ____?’

‘are you insane? you want to live, you fucking hide.’

‘I know you’ll fight her to the end. but I hope you realize you’re going to go mad trying.’

‘I would never lie to you.’

‘I mean, sometimes I think maybe I can stop, maybe I can just run away. but what I’ve seen—-what I’ve done—- I can’t come back from that.’

‘when you have the power that you do, your life is not your own.’

‘people will seek to use you or destroy you.’

‘you can’t do it alone. I’m all you got. you have to trust me.’

‘you don’t know how to fix me, do you? you never did.’

‘good men are dead because of you. I hope you know.’

‘I saw how you were hurting. that looked like torture. I thought you might be relieved.’

‘you’re always talking about ____ like he was some great hero. but he wasn’t.’

‘I’d die before I let anyone hurt you’

‘you can’t keep me safe, so you might as well let me fight.’

‘I like you better. aren’t you flattered?’

‘how does it feel getting a taste of your own medicine?’

‘it’s like I’m frozen in one moment. and no one knows it because everyone else moved on except me.’

‘I can’t figure out who’s right or wrong, and I’m the smart one, I’m always supposed to have the right answer, but I don’t.’

‘I just wanted it to be over. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t want to hurt them, not really, I just wanted it to end.’

‘I suppose it’s not easy going to war against friends.’

‘___ made her choice. she just happened to be dead fucking wrong.’

‘he’s still grieving. and there’s nothing you can do to make that hurt less.’

‘you know what your problem is? you have no impulse control. absolutely zero. none.’

‘you have to fight for something, you can’t just—just live your life like a fucking coward.’

‘it’s not about who you are, it’s about how they see you. and once you’re mud in this country, you’re always mud.’

‘I stuck with you because we thought we’d stay together. we’re always supposed to be together.’

‘it sounds like you’re saying that people have to die for progress.’

‘war’s different when you’re not struggling for survival.’

‘your secret is safe from ___, if that what you’re asking. but I don’t understand why you’re lying to me.’

‘I’m not stupid. I know what I saw.’

‘don’t sentence us to death just because you’ve been humiliated.’

‘she’s telling the truth. you’re just not listening because you’re terrified that someone else is right.’

‘cant give orders for shit, but you love taking them.’

‘I realized that he’d gone crazy and that something had broken and that that path was just going to lead to his death.’

‘did you think he’d fall in love with you if you just did what he asked?’

‘don’t lie to me. I know what you’ve done.’

‘we  /  I don’t need your permission to exist.’

‘you’re little children, grasping in a void that you don’t understand for toys that don’t belong to you.’

‘he dared to threaten us  /  me. he deserved what he got.’

‘would a simple thank-you suffice? or did you also want a hug?’

‘you think it makes you strong, but it’s going to destroy you.’

‘I didn’t think it was worth scaring you when I couldn’t do anything about it.’

‘you weren’t going to tell me I was going mad!’

‘she promises you peace when you know you ought to be fighting a war. that’s worse.’

‘no one has to die. you can have everything back. everyone. no one has to go.’

‘he only has as much power as you give him.’

‘you can tell me everything I hate about myself, but I already know. you can’t say anything to hurt me more.’

‘I loved an idea of you. I was infatuated with you. I wanted to be you.’

‘I loved you too. do you believe that?’

‘it’s alright to cry. I know what you saw.’

‘our dead don’t leave us. they’ll haunt you as long as you let them.’

‘that boy is a disease on your mind. forget him.’

‘he was brilliant. he was different. you’d have never met anyone like him.’

‘this is why we are polite to our allies.’

‘we’re soldiers. we’re always about to die.’

‘I want it more than anything. but I can’t ask you to do this for me.’

‘you are going to kill him. and then nothing will save you.’

‘if you love him, then you can trust yourself to protect him.’

‘you have the same eyes. angry. desperate. you’ve seen too much. you hate too much.’

‘all we have is this story unfolding, and in the script of this world, nothing’s going to bring ___ back to life.’

‘I can’t look at you and not see him.’

‘we’re fighting for something good. something worth fighting for.’

‘I have to do this. otherwise I have nothing.’

‘i’m going to tell you a story. I want you to just listen. and I want you to believe me. please.’

‘I don’t think I can die. i’ve tried.’

‘when you have this much power and this much is at stake you don’t fucking run from it.’

‘I’m scared for you. for both of us. I can’t help that.’

‘if you stay here you’ll die for nothing.’

‘you’re my sister. how could I not remember you?’

‘holy shit. you’re going to die. we’re all going to die.’

‘you never think, do you? you always just pick whatever fights you want, whenever you want, and fuck the consequences—-’

‘if you die, I die.’

‘we’ll keep surviving until we’re safe and the world can’t touch us. one enemy at a time, agreed?’

‘you don’t know anything going into a battle. you only know the stakes.’

‘I had a dream. you died.’

‘I just want to make things right between us. what’s that going to take?’

‘I really am sorry. please, I don’t want us to end like this.’

‘please—- you have more enemies than you think you do—-’

‘you taught me the meaning of fear. nothing more.’

‘I know what kind of person you are— you betray those who help you and you throw lives away like they’re nothing.’

‘we are precisely the same, you and I.’

‘we’ve acquired more power than any mortal should have the right to, which means we have to make the decisions no one else can.’

‘the world is our chessboard. it’s not our fault if the pieces get broken.’

‘would you really do things differently, if you had another chance?’

‘tell me you wouldn’t have given up everything. tell me you wouldn’t sacrifice everything and everyone you knew for the power to take back your country.’

‘you don’t understand the stakes, because you don’t know the meaning of true fear. you don’t know how much worse it could have been.’

‘I’m sorry I hurt you. but I had a plan to protect my people, and you simply got in the way.’

‘____ discards allies without blinking when they are no longer convenient, and if you don’t believe me when I say you’re next, then you’re a fool.’

‘you need me far more than you need them.’

‘you think that he’s invincible, but he is more fragile than you think.’

‘I know that he’d throw himself off a cliff for you. please stop trying to break him.’

‘a puppet to the end. when are you going to learn?’

‘I know what you told him. now I want you to tell me the truth.’

‘have you ever considered being less of a pretentious fuck?’

‘do you have any idea how much trouble you are?’

‘do you want someone to rearrange your face? because I’ll do it for free.’

‘I just don’t want the world to break you.’

‘don’t you dare puke on me.’

‘if you’re trying to drown me, then you’re being a little obvious about it.’

‘why do you always think someone’s trying to kill you?’

‘I feared you, I hated you, and that never really went away.’

‘you can’t beat that thing. you have no idea what you’re up against.’

‘this is what happens when men are fool enough to toy with heaven.’

‘chaos is clever. it can disguise itself as rational and benevolent. it can make us merciful. but in the end, it must always be hunted down and destroyed.’

‘if you’re going to kill us all then you’ll have to kill him, too.’

‘he’s not the one we’re trying to save.’

‘you’ll be alright. it’s not as bad as you think it is.’

‘I’m supposed to be a soldier! what the fuck am I supposed to do now?’

[angeljonghyun]

My feelings about jjongs passing really confuse me to a point where i feel guilty although i dont do anything bad or wrong. Its really strange to realize that i am not as dependent on him as i thought.. i was kind of caught in an illusion and lie my sick self was trying to tell my good self. You know how people with anxiety always look for reasons not to do something risky in order to stay safe and away from triggering and uncomfortable situations? I pretty much convinced myself all this time that i NEED jjong. I knew that in the coming year i would have to distance myself more and that thought really stressed me out bc how should i survive without him being around me 24/7 whenever i need him? How should i go to school or work when i cant check on him all the time? How should i stay calm knowing there could be updates?

It was to a point where i knew i was... sickly obsessed with shinee and especially him, because he was my safe haven, he was there when i felt lonely and i always felt lonely...

Now after everything that happened, there was a huge hole ripped right out of my life‘s content, the content that was him entirely... i felt devastated, hopeless.. just so done with life. I wanted to leave, i was angry, i was sad, frustrated, empty..

Now after shedding a million tears, spending nights awake, realizing what happened in vulnerable situations what completely broke me down each time, im.... so weirdly calm, but filled with lots of pain still.

Everywhere i see people who are still so down bc of what happened and i sit here... feeling kind of nothing to a certain degree, trying to focus on the good things only and i feel like im treating him badly? Betray him? Idk how to explain it really...

Therapy helps me so much and im SO happy that im in such a good and healthy place mentally by now, im glad that i can look at everything in a less personal way as well as letting out every bit of pain whenever i need it. Im not.. really sad that i wont ever see him again ( i am, dont get me wrong but there are other things that hurt me much more than missing his pure physical being :(...)

Im sad for the other shinee members, for his family, roo... it breaks my heart bc for them its so much more intense. Im sad bc his pure soul is.. idk where and it was always (and still is) my one and only wish, related to him, to know that hes happy. I know he wasnt happy here to the point where it was strong enough to dominate his depression and get rid of that desire to die and that already is too much for me to handle.. i just wish to know how he is now.. i hate death i cant accept it and it makes everything much worse.

Im just being here trying to be healthy and not think about details too much.. all these heartbreaking details i cant think about without feeling like shit again.

Its weird how im so calm and just happily thinking about jjong, talking about him. I have this strong desire to keep him very close, i do keep him very close and embrace him in my heart just like always and it feels like hes not gone while i 100% know hes not here anymore.

Its a strange mix of feelings, but i feel somewhat bad for "not caring as much as others" whats incredibly stupid i think? But thats how feelings are, sometimes you feel bad although you know better ...

I just hope that anyone who feels this way knows or realizes that it is fine to be healthy and to grieve in a way that is not quite as intense as you thought it would be. I have 'lost my reason to live' together with him, both my biggest dream and goal... and yet here i am.. just... breathing and living in a normal way, but with a somewhat heavy heart which will cause me to cry every now and then, but not prevent me from being happy and enjoying my life in other ways... although i get really calm and feel extremely depressed whenever im lost in thoughts too much (so every time im around other people physically)

Idk i feel like all of this truly shows that we all need to find more personal things to be happy about. I dont judge anyone for feeling however they feel, but it makes me sad to see so many people suffer so much. I truly hope everyone feels better soon.

This post is a mess, but i didnt expect it to be different. I feel like i wasnt able to explain myself well. Then again, im posting this mostly just to get these thoughts out of my head.

Stay strong, whoever reads this, you are very loved and wonderful.