#this hits harder than all the i'm a vampire speeches

[fukutomichi]

The Intergalactic Adventures of Max Cloud (2020) directed by Martin Owen Sam Hazeldine as Tony

[awed-frog]

I know you said you'll still follow the show, reblog gifs, and finish the dcbb you're working on this year, but ahhh - I'm going to miss reading paragraphs and paragraphs of your detailed analysis! You're my favourite meta-writer, and I really looked forward to reading your opinions after each episode :) Although you probably won't be super active in this fandom, will you still write deancas fic in the future? Just for fun?

Hi, sorry I left this for a few days. Your message really cheered me up in a period that’s been hard for me - mostly for family issues, so thank you - thank you so much for all this.

As for my projects - the truth is, I don’t know what I want to do, and how I feel about it all. 

[Putting the rest of this under a cut because there’s some negativity there - the tl;dr version is, yes, I’ll keep writing fiction for now and I’m hoping to post the next big project in a couple of weeks or so.]

Right now I feel let down, mostly, and as I said, part of it has to with myself and who I am as a person (someone who gets in too deep and 100%, and that’s not necessarily good), but I’ve also been around long enough to be sure that part of it is the show itself. What mostly annoys me as a meta writer is the fact Supernatural won’t own up to the subtext it is so clearly embedding in its narrative. Some people still feel optimistic, and that’s great, but let’s remember that what they’re doing right now - that’s a pattern. We got to the point where their whole season arc doesn’t make sense without Destiel (that’s basically what happened with Amara), and their mirrors are so precise they’re basically blinding you (still not over that Colette thing), and yet at the end of the season, nothing happens and nothing has changed. I mean, even with all the goodwill in the world, it’s getting harder and harder for me to believe TPTB will act any different from all the others who’ve been there before (and here I’m thinking mostly about Merlin and Sherlock) - they saw there was something happening there, for whatever reason, or maybe they pushed it from the start, I don’t know, but at some point they decided that yeah, why not keep it going - but the truth is, they never meant to go through with it, because that’s not how it works - because bi people are not a thing, because your gay characters must be openly gay from the start, because a story about a gay man must have something to do with AIDS or whatever, because you can’t trick people into watching a vampire story and then BAM, surprise, motherfucker, it was actually a gay romance all along, because the most they can do is two people holding hands in the very last scene and nobody would be happy with that, so why bother? 

I’ve tried to force myself, for years, to believe there was no malice there, no sheer exploitation of people’s hunger for representaton, but I don’t know if I can anymore. If you look at the last two seasons, the pattern is exactly what it’s been for the previous seven: a lot of subtext (sometimes  stretching credibility), a lot of double speak and scenes that could be interpreted either way, incredibly romantic moments followed or preceded by stupid and/or out of character #NoHomo stuff, and, mostly, no textual confirmation of any kind that something is actually going on. Which, frankly, enough.

And it’s not about Destiel, either. I would be okay with this obsession to keep the show only about Sam and Dean if they actually told me what’s going on with them, because they’re such complex and interesting characters and I would love to spend more time with them, but really, it’s hit and miss there. For instance, during this season I have learned nothing new about Sam, and I’m not any closer to understanding who he is and what he wants. As for Dean, 90% of his character development happened in the season finale - while the work of deconstructing performing!Dean has been majestic at times, it often felt like an afterthought. And how is it possible that we barely heard them talk to each other about this extraordinary thing that’s happened to them? Your mother coming back from the dead - you’d think that would be the focus of, I don’t know, everything? - but, again, I’m not much closer to understanding what’s going on there than I was before. As for Mary herself, she never made much sense to me as a character (apparently the fact Sam was a vessel for Lucifer and John wasn’t exactly nice to his kids was still news for her after one full year? like, uh?) and I still don’t understand, exactly, what it is they wanted to do with her. Other times, the message was clear but the way they got there didn’t work for me - for instance, Crowley’s death was hurried and weird, and that whole Claire episode proved the very thing Claire was trying to disprove (ie, that no, she wasn’t ready to work on her own) and yet the final scene ignored basically everything that had happened in the previous forty minutes and just went with it. 

So, you see, there’s plenty of big and little things like that I’m annoyed about - and I get some of them have to do with the limitations of filiming a TV show (stuff about budget and whatever else I know nothing about), but when you see other episodes, well-made episodes, you realize they know how to do the thing and just don’t want to. 

Sometimes I think Supernatural, like Destiel, was never supposed to be a thing. This is not Game of Thrones or Westworld��or True Detective - it’s not something they created to win awards and have people hold on to their souls for dear life and question their entire existences. It’s just - entertainment. It’s what the CW does, right? I don’t want to be snobby, but they didn’t make The Vampire Diaries or Beauty and the Beast or Gossip Girl so they could change the world (I sort of enjoyed all of those, so again - I’m not saying they’re bad shows - at all). Those are simply things that sell - stories featuring incredibly good-looking people doing reckless things, living on the edge and helping you take your mind off your mean teacher or annoying dad. That’s it. It’s all it is. The fact Supernatural became more than that, and came to mean so much to so many people - that was probably a perfect storm of things - Kripke’s was a story about the American Dream that came at just the right moment, the cast (in my opinion, especially Jensen) is really talented, the writers mostly know what they’re doing and so on. This is why I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that those episodes I don’t like - those are the norm. The masterpieces - they’re accidental - and not in the sense people don’t work hard on them, but in the sense the show was never supposed to be like that. 

So, I truly don’t know. I enjoy writing metas, and I’m slowly getting over the colossal disappointment that was the season finale, so, who knows - maybe by the time S13 airs, I’ll decide to go back to it. I don’t know. When I wrote that last meta, I was very emotional and absolutely furious, but feelings fade and change. What I will stop expecting, though, is for the narrative to follow any rules when they’re clearly trying to break them - and not in a good way. For instance, it truly made no narrative sense for Eileen to die, and it made no narrative sense for Toni to have a kid at all (or that she’d extract information from Sam by dream-raping him), or for Sam to break into that emotional King Arthur speech, or for Cas to die the way he did - and yet. So if I do start to write metas again, I’ll try to be more light-hearted about it and allow for ‘whateverness’, because apparently this is what we’re getting.

As for writing - I’ll always be grateful to this show and to the fandom for giving me my will to write back. I’m the kind of person who’s been working on a novel or a collection of short story or whatever else since primary school, but the last few years have been busy and adult and on and off traumatic, so I’d stopped completely, and this - this not writing, this living in a finite world, this drowning out of the voices in my head - this made me ache and shatter somewhere in my very soul. Writing stories again and getting feedback on them has been a joyful, liberating, crucial experience for me, and it has really helped me to make sense of myself as a person again. Plus, I really love these characters and feel there are so many things left unsaid - at this point, I couldn’t bear to leave them behind. My plans are to keep writing at least until the next DCBB, but if Supernatural will really finish in a season and a half, it’s possible I’ll keep posting the occasional coda during S13 and S14 as well. At the moment, I’m working on three big things - I think I’ll manage to finish them, and I truly hope you’ll like them, because, really - the friends I’ve made in the fandom, the messages I exchange with those who read my stories, all those taking the time to let me know they’ve kept reading all night long or something - it’s been so deep, so intimate and world-changing - a moving, incredible experience. I owe you guys so much, and that’s something I’ll not easily forget.

So, well, sorry for the novel - I guess I just wanted to say - I’m not leaving this story behind yet. I’ll just try to care a bit less and focus more on other things, but I’ll be around. Family don’t end with blood, and all that.