#this has been an especially profanity riddled rant

[bylightofdawn]

Ooooooooooooo I am heated and hopping mad at my mother. She called me last night wanting to borrow 20 bucks to pay off the pawn fees on one of the pieces of my grandmother's jewelry she pawned prolly around Christmas or thereabouts.

Maybe for Christmas presents, maybe for fucking cigarettes and her bar trips, who the fuck knows. She said she owed like 200 bucks between the two of them and she just keeps paying the monthly minimum and not paying to get the fucking things OUT of hock. Because she doesn't have the money. So I give her the money to take the one that was due today or tomorrow out because she is literally pissing her money (and my money since she borrowed 20 bucks from me the past two months) away. I wanted to give her the other 100+ bucks but I found a lump on Genji's inner arm which is PROLLY just going to be a harmless cyst or a lipoma or something. It's PROBABLY nothing. But since he's only 6 he's kinda young to be getting those thing so there is a chance it might be something more. So I scheduled a visit with my vet on Thursday to get it checked out. If it's something quick and easy and it only costs me the 60 bucks for the exam fee then I'll give her the other 100 bucks to get the other piece out. But if this turns into a case where they need to aspirate it if it's a cyst or do a biopsy and other shit it's prolly going to be in the hundreds of dollars and I just can't afford to help her out right now.

AND THIS WOMAN HAS THE FUCKING BALLS to come at me like I am being neurotic and overreacting and SHE doesn't worry about her animals getting random lumps and cysts and fucking regular vet visits. So SHE doesn't worry about that stuff so why am I wasting my time and money on such silly things.?

Oh, you mean like Genji's littermate who you let play outside and who got fucking RUN OVER and I had to pay the money for the vet bill to get his leg amputated to the tune of like 800 dollars? And the same fucking animal you continued to let go outside AS A TRIPOD WHO GOT FUCKING RUN OVER until he up and disappeared one day? Prolly run over again or attacked and killed by a stray dog roaming the streets that he couldn't run away from because he was a TRIPOD???

Fuck. You. Fuck your bullshit advice, you are the least fucking qualified animal owner I know. You shouldn't have animals. How many times have I had to buy food for your cats and then you got a fucking dog because your drunk buddy had a puppy? And then I had to buy food for that puppy. Fucks sake I even gave her extra money today because I know she has nothing and I wanted her to be able to get groceries. Even knowing she's prolly going to buy cigarettes and booze with it prolly.

And she's got the balls to fucking say that to me? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. If it wasn't my grandmother's jewelry which I would like to maybe one day inherit when this fucking irresponsible womanchild of a mother I have eventually drinks herself into an early grave I'd tell her to kiss my entire ass. As it is? I doubt I will see any of grandma's jewelry because she will continue to pawn and sell everything. Which...whatever it's just fucking things. I got the only two things I wanted from my grandmother. I finally convinced her to give me grandma's wedding ring for Christmas and she made that into a huge fucking guilt-riddled production about it.

I am just...I don't even know why I'm surprised anymore. How can this woman constantly find new levels of ways to disappoint me? How have we not gotten to the bottom of that pit. I'm definitely going to take a break from her and her bullshit for a while.

The smartest thing would be to cut ties with her, I just can't bring myself to do it. She's still my mother and I will still feel guilty and an obligation to her even though she is a toxic piece of shit parent.