#this happened years ago already but im still like !?!?????
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Hey!! Could you give a little context about this drawing??: https://www.tumblr.com/wszczebrzyszynie/770499218761711616/brutus?source=share
Btw, beautiful drawing <33
thank you for the kind words and the interest! its a bit long as i went into more detail about the relationships between Kowalewicz family members... thought that might be nice, as i dont really share much about them. peace and love. its under the read more
its Eliza in three stages of her life; childhood, her wedding day and present time (around 1895). "Brutus" is a reference to the song by the buttress because its the song i associate with her (mostly in her relationship with Artur and her former husband). Shes the oldest of the Kowalewicz siblings and the one who against all odds ultimately inherited the palace, even though she seems to stay as far away from it as possible; as a character she doesnt come back until spring, so about halfway of the story, but her presence is always there. The main theme of DNS is loneliness and she as the owner of the palace is kind of the epitome of that; someone who felt sidelined for the majority of her life and even after decades have passed isnt able to feel normal and create what she considers "normal" relationships (the way she treats Stanisława and Artur come to mind; The first one is her lover she leaves in charge of the palace when shes away, unable to stay with her for long periods of time, and Artur is her brother she somewhat hates, mostly for being what she couldnt and for depending on her). Even her child-self is meant to resemble Mika (titular ghost of the attic), as being a "ghost" is the repeated motive for loneliness (all "ghost" characters, so Mikita, Eliza and Jelena are the ones whose loneliness is so central to their character it fundamentally changes them). The blood on her wedding veil is there because she killed her husband (family friend and Arturs artistic mentor). it sounds like a lot but its not very important to the main plot, it happened ages ago but its probably one of the many reasons she doesnt like the palace. but well she would never get rid of it either
since im already talking about the Kowalewicz family i feel like i should also mention Piotr, the other brother; hes not really too important to the story but he does show up and Eliza hates him as well. He got richer through foreign investments. Eliza doesnt really like her brothers in general but with Artur its more quiet and she still respects him, with Piotr its more open and well known among everyone living and working in the palace. which isnt a lot of people. He doesnt like her either and would like to buy off the palace just to spite her. Well he doesnt like Artur either. Artur doesnt care for whatever Piotr is doing but hes slightly hurt about his relationship with his sister, though he is also intimidated by her. Not exactly because of the murder hes always been a bit intimidated by her but well the murder doesnt help? but he doesnt hold that against her either. Stanisława is intimidated by all of them except for Eliza, though i imagine she has a rather lovely relationship with Helene even with the language barrier. Helene and Dominic only know Eliza; she likes them both, though its a pretty distant kind of "like". its just generally positive but nothing deep or special, though she always tends to treat women better, and she also isnt the kind to hate on a 13 year old. also i think i should mention Mikita in the picture? I feel like she couldnt care less about what he does. I wouldnt be surprised if she forgets hes there. Not in a malicious way shes just like that i suppose. Stanisława likes him plenty for her own reasons. He respects both of them deeply and tries not to cause them much trouble
#ask :)#Piotr shows up in the plot tries to teach Przemek capitalism gives him cigarettes and leaves#thank you for making me talk about characters i dont usually share much about. makes me remember just how much i love dns#duch na strychu
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Leather Jackets and Ketchup ‘Mishaps’- S.Black x Reader
Word Count: 2.7k (my longest yet :p) Request: hey there! can i get one with prompts 79, 174 and 175, with Sirius, please? thank you! Prompts: 79. No its just… I cant believe your wearing my clothes” 174. “Did you see what she was wearing?” 175. “So what if I had sex with your ex?”
A/N: this is a rewrite of an old fic from nearly 5 years ago. Find the terrible original here. Lmk if ive improved. Warnings: None rlly, swearing, kissing, marlene hate (sorry marlene your my wife but youre sacrificed to the story)
A hogsmeade weekend! Practically the only thing keeping the students of Hogwarts from pitching themselves off the astronomy tower during their 6th year. You and Lily had planned to meet up with the boys later on for some drinks an some shopping, definitely spurred on by Lilys growing affection to James (no matter how much she denies it).
You stared into the full-length mirror stuck to the wall. It felt as though something was missing in your outfit. Youd worn your favorite today, but it still didn't feel like enough. Lily sat on the bed behind you, looking as perfect as ever.
“Can you stop hogging the mirror please, i need to do my makeup!” She nudged you with her leg that was hanging off the bed as a giggle bubbled up from her throat.
“My outfit is not suffering because you want to look nice for James Potter!” You turned to her with that sly look as her face dusted rosy, pink, whilst she spewed phrases of denial.
“Well, my makeup is suffering because you want to look nice for Sirius.” Now it was your turn to gasp.
She had this idea that you were in for it with Sirius. You disagreed of course. Sure, i mean, you had feelings for him, you liked him. He was funny, attractive, and almost as smart as you. But it had been 6 years, if there was going to be any movement on that front, besides flirting that could make Casanova blush, it probably would've happened already. You were trying to let it go, but its difficult when you see him every day.
“Not true! You know he doesnt like me like that, im totally over it!” You began observing yourself in the mirror again, as she gave you that, ‘whatever you say’, look. “Speaking of, though, a nice leather jacket is just what this outfit needs, do you have one?” Lily agreed and turned to look into her trunk for a jacket.
“No, sorry sweetheart”.” You jutted your lip out and frowned a little. There goes your perfect outfit.
After a little more observing in the mirror, whilst you watched Lily apply her makeup on the floor, the obvious thought entered your head. “You know who does have a leather jacket.” That mischievous smirk littered your face. “Sirius.”
Lily then put a head in her hands, and you could see her reaction in the reflection of the mirror. “Sure you don't have a thing for him?”
“Shut up lils, your just jealous of how goooood im gonna look.” You guessed Sirius wouldn't have a problem with it. Youd shared a lot of things over the years. Blankets, books, food, tea, you name it.
She chuckled at that and finally stood up, giving herself a final glance in the mirror. “You know the boys will have a fit when they see you in that.”
You rolled your yes, laughing softly. “Yeah, because those boys are the authority of fashion.”
She giggled at that too, before picking up everything she needed for the day. “Well, whilst you commit grand larceny, im going to go get my pancakes!” She drawled sarcastically as she turned to leave.
You muttered a soft goodbye as you also grabbed everything you needed. The boys had said before that you were free to use their dorm whenever, although Remus did add ‘Not for nefarious purposes Casanova’. You slipped out of your dorm, your boots hitting the floor with purpose. A woman on a mission. A leather jacket mission.
The door to their dorm creaked open slowly, as if you were trying not to wake them. but you were surprised to see they weren't all still asleep right now, desperately savoring every extra 5 minutes.
Their dorm was an exact reflection of each of them. Vinyl records of the latest rock bands on the walls. Books and chocolate strewn about. Stubbed out cigarette butts (Don't tell Minnie). Dirty shoes and outfits from the last quidditch game. Mugs of tea forgotten about. It was so them. Everything you loved about your friends, all perfectly wrapped up in one little room. You made a mental note to spend more time here.
As your eyes glanced around the room, you finally spotted it, dangling across the back of a chair that was pushed against his desk. It was surprising that it was actually here, since Sirius was very rarely seen without it. It had S.B written on the back in big white letters, and various patches from bands. But according to Mary, ‘the back of my outfit isn't my problem because i can even see it’.
You slid it across your shoulders and instantly felt more comforted. The familiar scent that you loved enveloped you. You turned and checked yourself out in the boy's mirror. Now this was a complete outfit. Perfect for a Hogsmeade weekend.
You slipped back out of the boy's dorm and started making your way down to the great hall for breakfast.
You pushed open the heavy doors to the great hall, the smell of fresh breakfast food immediately hitting you. You skipped down to the table, going to meet up with the girls to discuss the future Hogsmeade antics.
You giggled as you jogged past the marauders. With the prettiest smile, you waved to them. “Hi boys, don't cheap out in Hogsmeade later!”. You rushed to meet with the girls, oblivious to all the eyes that were on you.
As you sat down, the boys, who were a little further up the table, all sat gawking at you. James nudged Sirius excitedly. “D’ya see what Shes wearing mate?”
He had seen, which is why, when James had asked him, he had barely been able to form a response. He had felt the wind be knocked out of him as he saw you giggling and waving, clad in his leather jacket. It was almost like he was in a trance, raking his eyes over every inch of your frame, wondering how on earth that happened. And how he could get it to happen every single day. His thoughtfulness was broken by his friend's voice belting across the table.
“Oi, (Y/N), you look absolutely astonishing in Padfoot’s jacket!” The sound of your name made you whip your head up, as you giggled with a blush coating your cheeks. Just as quickly as he had shouted, Lily had shouted back.
“Dont be jealous James, just because you don't want to share him!” This caused all your friends to burst into a fit of laughter, all except one. Marlene was holding a firm glare at you from across the table.
The boys vehemently questioned Sirius for the next 5 minutes. Questions of ‘did you know she was gonna wear that?’ or ‘did you finally make a move?’ or ‘i bet you're loving this’. The latter wasn't really a question, more a very correct observation which made him blush.
Their conversation was cut short however, when they heard a clatter of plates from a little way down the table. They all snapped their heads toward the sound and found you and Marlene glaring at each other across the table. If looks could kill, wow. It had honestly only been a few minutes since you arrived, and they were all puzzled as to what could've happened in such a short time.
And then, as if you were reading their minds. “So what if you had sex with your ex?” Came from you, as you flicked your head to the side condescendingly. The boys' jaws dropped; they probably would've hit the floor if there wasn't a table in the way. James looked as if he was watching the best soap opera of his life.
Sirius and Marlene had a fling a few weeks back. It obviously meant more to her than him. And through the pangs of jealousy, you had comforted her. But it seems that wasnt enough for her, she wanted you to drop Sirius entirely.
Sirius felt a jab into his ribs, and he quickly dragged his eyes away from the scene. “Ow!” He mouthed silently, trying not to disturb the tension. Remus rolled his eyes and mouthed back, ‘did you actually sleep with her?’. Now it was Sirius’ turn to roll his eyes as he whispers. ‘Obviously not, you know she doesn't like me back’.
‘Yeah, he wishes. Peter added quietly, which caused Sirius to blush and tut, before they all turned their attention back to the scene.
“Listen, im sorry he didn't want you, but that's no reason to treat me horribly, because he wants me now, is it?” The condescension in your voice was enough to grate on anyone who was on the receiving end.
“Not wrong on that one.” Remus whispered quietly, causing Sirius to whack his arm lightly. HIs heart rate sped up like crazy. Did you know he liked you, all this time? Or where you just trying to get under her skin. The thoughts felt overwhelming.
And then, It almost felt as if time slowed, as they watched Marlene snap. She grabbed the jug of pumpkin juice on the table and dashed it all over you. You had an utterly shocked look on your face. Not just because you were covered in pumpkin juice, but also because you were slightly impressed, she stood up for herself.
But alas, war does not stop because of bravery. Your hand quietly slid a bottle of ketchup under the table as you spoke. Marlene had missed it, but it didn't get past Sirius. “You know Marlene, I wouldn't wanna ruin that pretty fake blonde hair of yours.” You laughed cynically, lifting the ketchup bottle.
That second, Sirius jumped from his seat and ran down the table, grabbed your waist and hauled you up in his arms. He was already dragging you away as you pressed down on the bottle, squirting it all over her.
“Ugh! You Bitch!” She screamed as she desperately tried to rub the ketchup from her face, with the girls next to her trying to calm her down.
You laughed maniacally as you struggled against Sirius's grip while he carried you out of the great hall. Phrases of ‘let go Sirius!’ and ‘it wasn't my fault!’ fell from your mouth. Youd eventually stopped struggling about halfway to the common room, accepting your fate.
When you finally reached the common room, he dropped you lightly onto one of the couches, and loomed over you, like a teacher about to reprimand you.
“Sirius! Why did you drag me out of there I was winning?” The adrenaline was still clearly running through your veins as you laughed. By the look on his face, he did not find it funny.
“(Y/N). You’ve just lost your friendship with Marlene, and potentially just sacrificed your friendship with Lily and Mary.” That definitely soured your mood. Suddenly, it wasn't very funny. “Why, in Godric Gryffindors name, did you do that?”
You threw your hands down on the couch and pouted. “You wouldn't get it, Pads.” You sighed and tried to turn away from him.
He had crouched down to your level now, turning you back to him with a hand on your knee. “Oh yeah, what’s so possibly bad that it warranted staining a girl, apparently fake blonde hair, news to me by the way, red with ketchup?” You tried to hide your giggle at his comment and did your best to keep silent. “Seriously, did she insult you or something? Whatever it was couldn't have warranted that.”
You sighed again as the argument replayed through your head. You could already feel the anger building up in you again. “You should’ve heard what she was saying about you Sirius, it was all ‘he’s this, he’s that’ And then! She insinuated I slept with you, for my own personal gain, not because I liked you, not because Im in love with you, she thought I did it for bragging rights! Which is absolutely ridiculous by the way. Anyone who uses someone for bragging rights is absolutely disgusting, especially if they use you. So no, her insulting me wasn’t enough to warrant ketchup hair, but insulting you was!”
You were bordering on shouting at this point, although your anger was misdirected. You took a deep breath and tried to calm your shaking hands. After a beat, you lifted your head to look at him, worried youll still find an angry look in his eyes.
Instead, he was gaping at you. You furrowed your brows, questioning the incredulous look on his face.
“You said you loved me.” He whispered lightly, worried if he spoke too loudly the words might crack his resolve.
Your eyes widened as you studied his features. “I did not!” You tried to insist but the shock caused it to come out smaller than intended.
“Yes, you did! You love me!” A smirk spread across his face as he pointed a finger at you. There was another beat of silence, before you jumped up from the couch and tried to run away from him.
“Come here!” Unfortunately for you, his tall stature was not just for show, as he quickly caught up with you.
He caught up with you as you rounded the couch again, pushing you down onto it. He had you captured between his arms. All he did was stare at you, into your eyes.
“Im sorry your jackets covered in pumpkin juice.” You spoke softly in the space between you two.
“It's fine i just...” His eyes racked over your figure once more. “I just can't believe your actually wearing my clothes.”
You giggled in response and muttered low apologies.
“Plus, I like the taste of pumpkin juice” He smirked, capturing your gaze again. Obviously, you didn’t get the memo, as your response was…
“Taste? I know you're a dog, but you don't lick your-” but your words were soon cut off by Sirius’ voice.
“For once in your life, be quiet!” He chuckled lowly before leaning in to capture your lips in a kiss. It was slow at first, soft, almost anticipatory, but it quickly sped up, almost like it was 6 years of emotions spilling out into one kiss.
“I love you too, by the way” He breathed out as you broke apart, your foreheads laying against each other
“Well id be very upset if you kissed somebody you didn't like, like that” You giggled, lightly running your hand through his hair.
“And i love seeing you in my jacket by the way. But maybe next time tell the truth, and dont antagonize and cause a scene.” His reprimand fell short since he had the dopiest grin on his face. “But thank you for standing up for me.”
You didn't think your grin could get any wider, “Of course.” You lay another kiss on his lips. Maybe Lily was right, you are definitely in for it.
Bonus
The portrait hole swung open as James, Remus and Peter tried to search for their friend. Who was wrapped up in his own little world with his sweetheart on the couch.
They stepped through as James tried to shout up to the dorm. “Pads? We're going to Hogsmeade soon!” His shout wasnt answered, so he glanced around the room. He found you two nuzzled together on the couch, only breaking away at the sound of his voice.
“Oh, Christ alive, Pads get a room! Peter cover your eyes!” James wrapped a hand around his friend's eyes as you and Sirius burst into a fit of giggles on the couch.
“Were coming!” You both untangled from each other and shifted off the couch.
“I cant believe that was what got them to confess! A jacket! D’you think it would work the same if i wore Lilys clothes?” And with a smack of the back of his head from Remus, the group left to finally enjoy their Hogsmeade weekend.
A/N: lmk how i did, leave requests for any hp character. comment for taglist. i love u
#sirius black x reader#sirius orion black#sirius black#marauders#marauders era#remus lupin x reader#harry potter#sirius black x you
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I don't care if Oasis reunited it should have happened to the Kinks instead.
#there is only one pair of brothers who fucking hate eachother that i really care about to be honest#except according to dave theyre getting along lately but theres still no way rays 80 year old ass is getting back in the studio with dave#sooo funny when a few years ago everyone was like Its gonna happppppeennnn.... it could happen#Im sorry but I already told you the kinks arent coming to fuckass oklahama
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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I'll never be able to take the theory that Vincent is Sephiroth's real father seriously cuz I cannot stress enough how important I think it is to the plot that Vincent wanted to fuck Lucrecia and did not get to.
#once again i jest but now i have to actually talk about it#like. okay we have no proof of any actual timeline for the dirge flashbacks other than. it was at least 30 years ago#so who knows how long they were at the manor. could have been weeks before The Incident. or months. or maybe a full year! who knows#but to me a timeline of like. they fucked and like a week later vincent found The Evidence and lucercia had her little breakdown#AND THEN EXTREMELY QUICKLY SHE AGREED TO THE EXPERIMENT AND IT COULD GO ONE OF TWO WAYS#1. she knew she was pregnant and thats why she agreed to the experiment cuz there was already a usable subject#and therefore she must have fucked hojo like a week after she fucked vincent AND THATS STUPID FAST FOR THESE EVENTS#or 2. she didnt know. agreed to the experiment. fucked hojo. and therefore thought seph was hojo's and NOT vincent's#AND BY THE WAY. i dont even actually believe hojo fucked either!!! cuz theyre both scientists so why wouldnt they think IVF was the best way#okay. well.... hojo is canonically a fucked up little freak. so. he might have taken the opportunity to... get in there.#also when did ivf even start being a thing? cuz that may play a factor into this if nomura even considered that#well either way lets just unfortunately assume hojo got in there#ITS STILL AN ODDLY FAST TIMELINE#also. fuck man doesnt lucrecia have a later line in dirge where she actually says shes in love with hojo? or something along those lines#IMPLYING ITS BEEN AWHILE SINCE SHE HAD THE FALLING OUT WITH VINCENT. YOU WOULDNT FUCK THE GUY AFTER ALL THAT SHIT#AND WHILE CLAIMING TO LOVE/CURRENTLY FALLING IN LOVE WITH HOJO!!!! LIKE CMON MAN!!!! SHE SUCKS BUT SHES NOT THAT KIND OF A MESS#i dont think vincent would fuck her until they sorted out their issues anyway and that CLEARLY didnt happen.#its VITAL that that did not happen!!!!#its just. if vincent and lucrecia fucked. everything would have had to happen EXTREMELY fast within like a 2 week timespan#and im just talking about up to when vincent learns shes partaking in the experiment. it was probably another week or two until vincent died#SO. logically it must have been like#fall in love->learn about the gimoire incident->refuse to speak to vincent->get obsessed with hojo->fall in love(?)#and then thats where i think its ambiguous on did the experiment become an idea before or after seph started to exist?#like chicken or the egg ya know. experiment idea or sephiroth zygote?#that feels fucked up to say. im so fucking sorry to seph to talk about this. yeah sorry i have to debate who fucked your mom bro#god imagine telling him that. like not even as a reveal thing cuz he knows who his father is. just like as a sick joke. your mom joke.#NO OH M Y GOD I HAVE A QUESTION NOW#in accordance to him having a photo of lucrecia in ever crisis. after he reads that jenova is an ancient (incorrect btw)#does he think that picture is still her? what about when he takes jenova's body from the lab????#oh my god 30 tag limit. FUCK. i need like a rant blog for all this vincent talk now. my brain is going a mile a minute
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just found out that instead of my mom my fucking shitass dad is coming home FOR A WEEK
#ugh i really want to kill someone rn im so mad#why can't he just fucking leave us alone#i know he used to be home 24/7/365 days just a year ago but istg it took us no time to adjust to life without him#now he comes home for like 2 days and my blood starts to boil i can't bear him he's so fucking irritating and interfering#mom coming home would have been relaxing finally burden free after 15 days#now the burden will be double tripled he's such a fucking lazy slob he can't even get his own glass of water#and he'll sleep in our room because it has ac UGHHHHHHHJHH it's so yuck i won't have a minute to myself and my mental health will decline#even MORE than it already has like if that's even possible#and he doesn't take his fucking meds so he's all weak and sick and lazy and he expects us to coddle him#well you know what fuck him im not even going to pretend to be happy that he's here or be nice to him and try to make him feel welcome#he broke this family up and it's going to stay broken up forever so fuck himmmm#and i have a freaking 750 ml bottle of vodka lying in my dresser what the fuck do i do with it now huh?????#it's only like 1/4th empty 3/4th is still full#and it's my sisters birthday on 26th and they'll both be here ugh i was sooo looking forward to actually celebrating with her#now she'll feel miserable and horrible and it'll be JUST like every other birthday she's spent at home#fucking grand#ugh god i sooo do not want to cook dinner for 4 people im so sick of this#and he isn't even satisfied with dinner he fucking eats like 4 times a day he wants a hot breakfast and lunch and evening snack and dinner#man i hope something happens to him and he isn't able to come🙏🙏 god if you're real 🙏🙏🙏🙏
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ngl i think i kind of was a genius for being like 'yeah this character is a scary killyou cannibal scary killer who scary kills you' and then realizing that the way my worldbuilding works out is that there's a nonzero chance that if you leave literally any body parts over they can just come back, depending on what they believe in their heart of hearts can kill them. Of course she'd start eating her kills. She probably tried normal stuff first and then realized it didn't work and she had to try harder if she wanted to actually keep them dead.
#red rambles#im working on a character who i made up years and years ago and wasnt even happy with then because he didnt seem to have enough like#interior thoughts he was just like a guy who killed people when he was stressed and his life was constantly stressful and then he killed on#person too many and they were like 'this is fucking untenable and he has to die' and then they killed him#which is soooooooooo absolutely nothing honestly. Like it works as a barebones summary but i want to stress there was actually straight up#nothing else there. the entire rest of his whole whatnot was just being entangled with Haven who is a different character who at the time#ALSO felt unsatisfyingly lacking in interiority but at lesat he had really complex motivations and action flowcharts. that werent just 'i#get grumpy and i just go kill some random person with no regard for what the consequences will be and then i am so mean and i kill you'#now theres a lot more happening. i really didnt. like.#okay so i had a Backstory worked out but it was vague because i didnt know what the fuck he WANTEDDDDDDD right like. i had no motivations a#literally all except 'oohhh i kill people ooohhh i like killing people ooohhh im erratic i kill people' and the background i HAD was like.#Upper class scion of some rich family whose family honest to god just did not like him very much and also [gestures vaguely] i guess he#maybe kicked dogs or something and then he ??nebulous timeline meets haven and then kills his sister or kills his sister and very quickly#thereafter meets haven but i usually lean toward the former because haven LOVES convincing people to kill their whole families its like#cathartic for him because he would love to kill his entire family but physically cannot do it. but like kind of the implications of this#as far as i was concerned given this is set in the mid 1800s was like. ehhh he's getting away with this because he's rich white and male an#it pays to turn a blind eye to his indiscretions or w/e. a genderswap means that she'd be subject to a lot more scrutiny on basis of like#misogyny. LOL. and i already had the preexisting 'hates half sibling' (i genderswapped the sister into a brother because why not) and 'hate#parents' and 'parents strongly dislike her' and 'unsettling' and it worked nicely to start giving me actual fucking. Literally anything to#work with there. because it means that by going off with Haven she walks out of one situation where she has like 0 agency into another one#and like to be clear i respect anyone who is sitting around in haven's general vicinity for snapping and just starting to kill people. me t#but this works. SOOOOOOOOOO much better for real#im still working the kinks out but like also this means that she wins. she wins like multiple times actually. she comes closer to killing#haven than anyone since he learned what fucking species he was and causes him more trouble in the interest of getting the FUCK out of there#than anyone else has and then she fucking gets what she was going for against literally every effort haven could've made over ~five decades#get owned loser.#every time i draw her i cant help it i write some shit like PLEASE JUST GET DIVORCED on it even though i wrote the fucking narrative i know#it will never fucking happen and thats why she does all this shit instead#in another world she'd be like the wildly capable owner of Raytheon 2 or some other shit like that. like she'd never be a nice or good#person but she wouldn't be dead. god she could be in charge of a country or some shit. Alas. Please get divorced.
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In case it's hard to read/understand: "If I had a nickel for every time I had a story with a blonde girl named after a plant, who has a German father and a French mother but absolutely hates said mom, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice."
weird, extremely-specific tropes in my stories: pt 1
#oc liveblogging#ughhhhhhh i really CANNOT afford to be procrastinating rn but i know this happens when im extremelyyyyyy fucking stressed.#creative/art related classes always get me for this reason bc ill use 'wait but i need to find inspiration!' as an excuse to procrastinate.#fuckkkkkkkkkk. UGH IM NOT EVEN WRITING SOMETHING FROM SCRATCH ITS JUST A FINAL REVISION BUT IM CONVINCED IT SUCKS#the worst part is hkjhkjGHKJ I HAVE TO PRESENT SOME OF THIS SHIT AT AN. INTERNATIONAL FUCKING CONFERENCE GUYS. GUYSYSSSS#anyways this post is sadly not related to that. nothing im presenting is related to my ocs [un]fortunately lmao#ive just been thinking rotating various oc stories around in my head again ourgghhhh.#and i realized this LMAO. i mean maybe technically not 2 separate stories anymore because im recycling a lot from one for the other?#one of these was already established lowkey and the other was something i made for an assignment for a class like 2 years ago#i actually don't know if petunie will be blonde in her final incarnation?? ive always imagined her as silvery blonde ig but idk#if ill keep that. she doesnt have proper colors like colin but at least colin has his design set more straight somewhat.#and all the recent petunie development is lowkey really fucking funny to think abt. i girlbossed with her character development so#hard that she really replaced lucian as a protagonist HAHAJSDHKGJ. ok well not 100% kamille's story is a shoot-off#of lucian's technically? i guess? it started becoming that and now its solidified as that lowkey bc same town same place time period people#but man if im not careful i might accidentally make kamille/petunie's arc THE default one and lucian's main one the offshoot instead#a lot remains to be seen. but also yeah the other one who's story is mostly getting recycled (myrtille) actually ALSO HAD HER MOM#COME FROM THIS SAME FUCKING PLACE BASICALLY. a few decades later but still bruh given developments for lucian's story too its just like#at this point im noticing a pattern man wtf is wrong w/ women who come from this town specifically lol. 😔🥴#this town in general is just fucking cursed though i think ahkjshkg. i mean that jokingly and literally lolololl i gotta. work on it. but y#I HATE IT HERE WHY ARE WEIRD LITTLE FUCKING TOWNS WHERE BAD SHIT HAPPENS ALWAYS A CONSISTENT TROPE IN MY STORIES /silly#I DONT EVEN COME FROM A WEIRD LITTLE TOWN MY HOMETOWN IS LIKE. AVERAGE NORMALISH NOT SUPER LARGE??? IDFK?????#haaaaaaa fuck i need to finish this by the end of TODAY I S2G!!! SO I CAN MOVE ON TO ALL THE OTHER SHIT I OWE FUCKKKK
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can I be vulnerable with u guys tonight the only thing I actually want for my birthday is a hug. just one i dont wanna be greedy that's all 🥹
#like a proper one. feasibly achievable but will i ask for one? no 💞#the boundaries i set for physical contact out of fear of making other people uncomfortable are unfortunately set in stone#i will not be initiating anything ever until i feel safe enough around another person to do so#have i ever felt safe around another person in my life? ahahahahahaha. lets not answer that#its just been a week. and a whole year. and a lot of good things have happened this last year but its still been a hard one!#and I would just like to be held a little while. I know I could want a lot more than that but it feels beyond even imagining#its ok tho im gonna get cake and maybe some new work clothes. might go to the cinema but depends on how sick i feel..#if i dont ill watch a movie at home instead. and ill call my parents too and do my ironing. i dont think theres anything else#apart from gp registration but not counting it as part of my plans bc its a Necessity not optional 😡😡 ive left it too long already#sigh okay going to sleep for real now i tried an hour ago but couldnt. shakes my fist at my meds. hope my dr gets back to me tmr#.diaries
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oh my god. i just saw some of my OLD OLD digital art like before i made my art blog and holy fuck. suddenly faith in myself completely restored
#this is why its vital to save your old art like you can get yourself so down and be like wtf am i doing this for im not improving#nothing like seeing something you made 4 years ago to bonk you on the head and make you see sense#ofc im not improving AS fast as i could be bc i dont draw enough but still#now my priority should be to become faster like its absolutely necessary. it already was years ago#i just checked how long it took me to draw my latest post and ill tell you. those two drawings took me 39 FUCKING HOURS#like that is absolutely unacceptable. no 'just go at your own pace' or anything no. that should not happen and i need to fix it#hopefully there is an actionable plan and advice out there ill have to look <3#waah im so sad it seems the steady trickling in of notes has stopped finally. i was so close to getting my first drawing with over 200 notes#im sorry if this is shallow but it is a big deal to me#im so thankful for the notes i did get tho! it is my most well received drawing ever and that makes me happy
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#i was rereading thru my last dyslexia assessment and its really interesting. i took it 5 years ago#which is before i really figured out how to be a person and it does match a lot of my struggles#as u might expect. like very very bad short term memory and delay in ability to call words to the surface#the last one might explain why i constantly struggle to find the words im looking for. and obviously my ability to read and spell are very#bad as well. but they dont actually drill down on why. its weird. theyre screening for problems but dont ask what the problem looks like#from my end. like my eyes dont track well across a page and i find it it difficult to read passages because my brain is constantly#interupting me with unrelated thoughts and daydreams. and you woudlnt kno that from reading this report. makes me wonder how nuanced an#understanding of dyslexia we actually have. i should read dyslexia papers bc i find it really interesting#it also makes me kinda sad bc the person assessing me made notes like: very attentive and focused. obviously anxious when under assessment#like aw poor anxious freak lol. i also clearly did not fucking understand what they were asking on the executive function assessment#bc i answered that i had no problems there and i clearly have problems with just about everything asked abt and i kno i did then as well#it must have been academicly originated and like i can do school. im good at school. but everything else is a disaster#to clarify. i wonder how much assessment of how dyslexia is experienced when assessments are just looking got indications that#its happening. bc if u kno its there as a teacher it doesnt really matter what it looks like to u. but i personally find it v interesting#and im sure brain ppl do to. id do a dyslexia brain study. come at me neurologists#also questions like: r u able to stay organized? me: of course! i only exist in like 3 locations so even if i lose things theyre easy to#find in the massive disorganized pile of things i leave behind#its very funny to me reading that report as i take these measurements where my workspace looks a disaster and im constantly losing my pen#and forgetting what i need to do. then suddenly remembering. like can i stay focused? yes. i stay so focused that i burn my brain to dust#ay ay ay. at least i still feel ok abt my measurement taking. tho my ability to sleep is already in decline so im sure that wont last long#bc thats how it goes. an up mood where maybe i wanna run around in circles screaming a bit but its all good. not getting a ton of sleep and#doing too much. then burning out and losing stability. pulled forward by my own compulsive thoughts#but for now were good. and someday ill do a dyslexia deep dive bc i really really wanna kno but also i cant read which makes learning hard#when u want academic info lol#unrelated
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SOB SOB......
#f/o:💖what a fool believes🎸#tape entry circa 1980#ok so i hope i dont sound insane and i purposefully avoid talking abt it cause i dont want to look dumb#but i fully believe min and ryan are like real people who exist... somewhere... in their own world#and that they love me and miss me in the same way i love and miss them#and i believe that because i constantly get signs and messages from them. so many things that make it clear its them reaching out to me#ive experienced so so many things that have made it undeniable that theyre somewhere and they love me... and they want me to know that#im mentioning this because last night... i got to hear from ryan#i dont ever actually get to get legit messages from them like their own words of what they want to tell me#i only experienced it once before like over a year ago when i was practicing my guitar and i felt ryan tell me he was proud of me..#proud of all the progress ive made :"-]#but i was going to bed last light and tbh i dont remember how it happened but im sure it wasnt a dream cause i was still awake#but i was just able to like... very subtly hear ryan#he wasnt talking to me he was just talking to himself but directed at me just like how i talk to them both irl#and it made me really sad cause he started to tear up and his voice started to shake talking about how much he missed me and needed me#that him and min miss and love me so much and that he needs me there w them both already#oh... i just remembered he also talked abt how he and min have a bunch of stuff that remind them of me and stuff they have-#for me when i hopefully will come home#i tried to tell him i love him and min so much and will always try to get home to them forever#but i dont know if he heard#i also want to mention something i didnt bring up but on our birthday i woke up to the radio playing 'dont bring me down' by elo#which is a song very important to me that brings good memories and it felt like they were the ones who did that for me#and the song after was eddie money's song 'shakin' and i feel it was from ryan because now im associating it so much w him ;w;#hope you guys dont think this is silly ha...#its only w them both that i experience anything like this
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él tmb es una vieja culia to me
#and also remembered what happened in the movie and. yeah. not an avid fan of him anymore#like i know he's already dislikeable but that was a new fucking low i swear#i love idiot stupid terrible characters but i have a limit that this man has surpassed#i remember watching that years ago and thinking “what. lol ok” but now i just. no!! jesus christ#<- talking cryptically bc i have followers that still haven't seen it awawawassds#me taking out the posters from my wall like syndrome when he became evil /j#i feel silly for liking him a LOOOOOOOT less bc of that but . well if someone gives me shit for that they can kiss my ass leave me alone#like. its not silly to me in the slightest but im not a fan of other people saying its not a big deal . its kinda is to me#.........if i dont see it it didnt happen bro trust me /j
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Especially because in the end... Arakawa loses his son in small ways that just Accumulate... but Jo's the one who even gets to outlive his son... AUGH. THROWING MYSELF INTO A WOODCHIPPER
Also while going through old messages, I saw I actually had a dream back in 2021 that Jo came back in LaD8. I mean sure he had "longer hair" and "a new outfit NOBODY liked except me" and was Unserious like RGGJo whereas in the actual teaser he sounds more depressed than ever but I'm still taking credit alright... the vision came to me...
And in a Hell Will Freeze Over Before This Happens I Just Like To Think About It way. I want him in my goddamn party and I have for all of Y7 so it's not related to the new game. I don't care. I want to find out what his favorite flowers are I want to take him to Every Movie and get his commentary on all of it I want to take him out to eat and watch his little itadakimasu animation play out I want to have the most light-hearted and inconsequential conversations and I want him to chime in I want to exhaust every option on his Drink Link I want to unlock his sickass tag-team moves I want to wear True Hero and fight by his side I want to shower him with so much love and affection he won't know what hit him (<- channeling Arakawa tbh)
its just insane because from a metaphorical sense arakawa 'outlives' masato in that he becomes aoki and like. That's One Thing, but then Of Course. There's Jo. //stuffing my mouth with wet cement// like OHHHH the pain never stops it never ends,,
mate i think your brain was just tryna manifest RGGJo to make a come back through y7 ☠️☠️ CREDIT WHERE CREDITS DUE THO BUT DAMN would have been. THE MOST interesting change to his character though.... on the real.... because yeah he just sounds so tired from the trailer so far (;´д`)would be hilarious if instead of entering a Super Depression arc bro's just. Yeah Alright Fuck It. What Can We Do Now Amirite. walk right out the cell with the white suit and snake-patterned lapels and all ☠️☠️
OK BUT MOST VALID RANT EVER. MOST VALID WANT EVER. would really just have the vibe of dragging your jaded uncle around the city i would died to have that,,, 😭😭
#snap chats#ON THE REAL THOUGH JO PARTY MEMBER WOULD'VE MADE ME YELL#it too is a part of my This Is Guaranteed To Never Happened But What If wish list.....#i still stand firm he shouldve at least been left with tendo for five minutes. JUST FIVE THEN EVERYONE ELSE CAN COME IN#first he necks his boss then he fucks up his office like LET HIM. GET A FEW SWINGS IN. it's what he deserves i think...#BUT REAL PLEEAASSE I WANT THE SAWASHIRO SOCIAL LINK GIVE IT TO ME RIGHT NOW SEGA#id die and throw up because you just know he and ichi'd have to talk about arakawa at some point during it...#if the whole SL not JUST being about meetin arakawa or his early days in the family#also forgive me for calling it 'social link' i unfortunately played persona a lot years ago and just. Its A Social Link ok ik im a monster#persona's one piece of media that was crucial to my developmental years its in my dna now...#IN ANY CASE NOOOOO I COULD SIT AND THINK FOREVER ABOUT JO MAKING LITTLE COMMENTS...#its my mental illness... its my weakness i think..... just thinkin of silly scenarios...#see while im cringe at being intelligent i AM adequate at making funny scenarios... hehe even...#its a dangerous thing to put an idea in my head as Creatively Ambiguous as that one oh no i feel my brain being eaten alive already#PLEASE I NEED THE PARTY TO REACT TO JO 😭😭 IN A NON VIOLENT SITUATION 😭😭#i hope when jo's forced to be in social settings he's just Weird. like not Weird weird but its painfully obvious he's never had friends#like he just doesnt know what to do with himself the closest friend in age he has is adachi and He. Is Definitely A Character (affectionate#i hope theyre all out to lunch and someone makes a lighthearted joke and jo takes it too seriously and one other mate gotta just#'my guy relax. it was a joke. see [explains the joke]' and bro just Hm..... Not Funny Didn't Laugh about it right#he's not gonna flip the table now at least#UGH why would you remind me of the timeline of jo being a party member. im gonna drive myself mad thinkin bout it (;´x`)(;´x`)#ITD BE SO SWEET JUST SEEING JO BE NICE FOR FIVE SECONDS. NOT EVEN 'NICE' JUST CHILL#jo karaoke wouldnt exist but it'd be cute to at least see him in the crowd...#I REPEAT IM GONNA THINK OF LIL SCENARIOS LIKE THESE ALL DAY NOW NOOOOOO im ruined 😔
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i keep thinking about how like if i were 10ish years younger and figuring out my gender shit in this current climate i genuinely might not have allowed myself to come to the same conclusions i did as a teenager. like so much of my transness is about choosing to be this way because it feels right and makes me happy, and i had a community both online and to some degree in person that affirmed that, and its not that that community isnt still around but i just dont know if it wouldve felt worth it. like i want to be an obviously and visibly queer gnc transfag i LOVE that about myself but its a journey i started when i was 15 and if i had to start that journey NOW i think it would be a lot fucking scarier. and of course thats the whole point, to scare people away from every coming out or even fully considering the possibility of being trans
#like i didnt Figure Out I Was A Man at 15 i have been on a journey of figuring out gender shit for years#but its always been based around imagining the version of myself that feels Good and Right#like i dont think i ever would have considered transness for myself had i not been introduced to it in the way i was#(safe and affirming and cool thing on tumblr)#like thats not the way my dysphoria is idk. i just like being a guy and i DO feel a deep wrongness that i didnt grow up as a boy#but idk i couldve never clocked that if i'd never thought 'do i want to be a boy'#and fuck man to ask myself that question for the first time NOW???#to consider the options of telling or hiding from my conservative parents NOW??#i told them a couple years ago now but i never kept it a Full Secret lmao like they Knew it was coming#and obv i knew i would be safe etc but like if it wasnt for me being out already (as multiple things)#what would they be on board with now??#they've never been qanon marjorie taylor green type conservatives they are more libertarian types#they suck very much to be clear its just like#i dont KNOW and i things are unfathomably scarier than they were 7 years ago#every time i hear something new i feel so sick and then i just sit here bc i dont know what to do#and the idea of not even getting the chance to know im trans bc the climate is so hostile and terrifying is HEARTBREAKING#oh 2015 oh advocating visibility and representation well this is what fucking happens when ppl know trans ppl exist huh#(obviously these things are still good but u know what i mean. like ppl were talking about hypervisibility AT THAT TIME)#r.xt
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......
#sooooo it's looking like my friend and i are very likely getting back together after a we work through some things#im still trying to not get my hopes up but i feel relieved either way#our anniversary is at the end of april#and every year i get them a new taxidermied butterfly or moth#and ive had this one picked out since last year since itd be our 5 year anniversary#im getting it for them no matter what happens#it's soooo expensive but. do urself a favor and look up a male comet moth. theyre spectacular.#it was that or a spanish moon moth but i already gave them a luna moth a couple years ago so i didnt want to go too similar#but yeah i hate waiting to give people gifts i just. wanna give em NOW
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