#this got unnecessarily long jnadsjdfg IM SORRY

[srtrlites]

if there's one person in the entire industry , if not the planet , that knows the depth of toxicity & hurt cassie suffered in the hands of her family ⸺ it's definitely ricky . he's been there , witnessing every word that cassie took like a lash of beating from her parents : the mind games , the name-calling , the gaslighting .... he was there for her . the one person she can always trust to have her back , to be there ⸺ it didn't matter if they were romantically involved , at least not to cassie , not when their level of closeness , their bond went beyond that . perhaps that's why this hurts so much : the idea that the one person she trusted more than anyone in the world , could hurt her like this , & with her best friend nonetheless . it's impossible for her to hide what she's feeling , especially when she knows he can tell exactly what's on her mind & heart . after all , they can read each other easily , too easily sometimes . which all makes it almost unbelievable that this is happening . when he raises his voice , it makes her flinch a little : half-surprised by the reaction considering she's never seen him like this . they rarely fought when they were together to begin with , but never like this . there's a hint of desperation in the air between them , unspoken feelings & words causing the situation to only go from bad to worse & while there's people around them watching , waiting like vultures to hear & see everything , cassie could only focus on him . her mind's half-made up to leave when he speaks again , causing her to stay put , legs frozen on spot along with her soul as he bares his soul to her for the first time since their break-up . feelings she didn't know he had , each word hitting her like a brick she didn't know he kept hidden behind all these months ⸺ it's not something she expects , not when he hadn't said a word to make her assume otherwise , not even when she asked him directly : secretly hoping he'd feel the same but coming with the terms that he didn't . which explains why she's still in shock by the time he finishes , too stunned to speak & taking her a moment to actually gather the words she wishes to say . “ you - “ she tries , still trying to control the tears bubbling in her eyes . “ so you did it to get back at me for leaving ? are you fucking serious ? because she was there for you ? for what , a whole two fucking minutes ? “ disbelief & hurt turn into anger , hazel orbs turning black & midst of the tears , she moves forward . “ & how dare you stand here & accuse me of not being there for you ! we were practically living together when your sister went off to college , all my stuff was in your apartment , 24/7 i was there & what , that meant nothing ? you think it was easy for me to end it ?  have you even considered the fact that the only reason i did it over facetime is because i couldn't do it in person ?  or that i wasn't okay either ? no , because you never asked , ricky ! you just ... accepted it like it's nothing , like we meant nothing ! & i waited for you in paris , okay ? i waited , i hoped you would show.... but you never did , you never even called back , you didn't even try ... “ her voice's cracking but she's going off , unbothered by the looks , knowing the press will have a field day tomorrow . “ so don't you dare pin this on me , because it's you who also didn't fight for us , you walked away ... & then kissed my best friend , so congrats , because if hurting me was your plan ... you did it , you ⸺ “ she reaches her own limit , a small ( near silent ) sob leaving her , “ fuck you , ricky , “ is the last thing she manages to say before she becomes aware of her surroundings , of the fact that they gathered a crowd around them eager to hear every word . like a deer caught in headlights , she's suddenly terrified of the realization she just gave everyone a public show , & her feet start to move before she can even stop them , fleeing the scene .

 it’s  unbearable  ⸺  to  look  at  her  face  and  see  nothing  but  pain  ,  to  look  into  her  eyes  ;  the  ones  that  were  the  only  ones  he  trusted  and  felt  seen  and  see  nothing  but  disappointment  ,  betrayal  .  he  broke  everything  they  had  with  one  mistake  and  the  results  of  it  were  standing  right  in  front  of  him  ,  and  it  was  almost  as  if  he  was  in  the  presence  of  a  completely  different  person  .  while  he  saw  her  hurt  a  lot  of  times  over  the  years  they  spent  together  ,  he  was  always  the  one  to  cheer  her  up  ,  to  hold  her  and  tell  her  it’s  gonna  be  okay  ;  that  no  one  deserves  her  but  most  importantly  ,  she  doesn’t  deserve  this  pain  .  he  would  never  think  that  he’d  end  up  on  the  other  side  as  someone  who  hurt  her  .  the  second  ricky  hears  her  voice  break  ,  he  just  wants  to  run  to  her  ,  be  her  best  friend  but  he  knows  he  can’t  .  instead  ,  it’s  the  first  time  he  turns  around  ,  his  back  now  facing  her  and  as  he  hides  his  face  in  his  hands  ,  truthfully  ⸺  he  wants  to  scream  .  “  i’m  not  excusing  shit  ,  cassie  !  ”  his  voice  almost  raises  and  he  never  raised  his  voice  at  her  ;  but  the  more  this  conversation  continues  ,  the  more  his  despair  turns  into  anger  .  every  word  coming  out  of  her  mouth  shows  him  how  she  doesn’t  understand  anything  ,  doesn’t  even  try  to  ⸺  and  he  knows  he’s  at  fault  ,  he  knows  he  fucked  up  but  maybe  he  wouldn’t  if  she  wouldn’t  just  give  up  on  them  give  up  on  him  ;  if  she  wouldn’t  become  another  person  who  left  him  because  his  love  wasn’t  enough  ,  if  she  wouldn’t  treat  him  the  same  way  his  parents  did  .  “  have  you  ever  considered  ,  ”  he  starts  ,  his  voice  too  calm  for  the  situation  they’re  in  and  part  of  him  knows  he’s  going  to  say  something  that  might  never  bring  them  back  from  this  .  “  that  maybe  i  kissed  juliana  because  unlike  you  ,  she  didn’t  leave  ?  even  though  she  can’t  stand  me  ,  somehow  she  was  always  there  ?  and  that  maybe  she  wanted  to  listen  to  me  ,  unlike  you  ,  after  breaking  up  with  me  over  facetime  call  and  just  hanging  up  ?  i  could  count  on  her  cassie  ,  not  you  .  ”