#this got 0 review i wrote it in a tumblr post while pacing my kitchen

[godstiel-coded]

So... What if Jimmy fell in love with Dean?

In Heaven, in Chuck's days, you could watch over anyone you were tethered to. Most people didn't. It made 'em sad and they bad everything they could ever want and the time didn't pass the same. Jimmy did, watched Cas, but the way one watches a soap opera. Cas' left over shreds of grace connected them. Technically Cas' vessel was made in his image and not of his body, apparently? So, he guesses that's the only other connection.

He's with his wife, she's sworn off watching Claire. It hurts her too bad to see her baby girl running around with strange women and killing things and doing sinful things. She never shared a body with an Angel, she doesn't get it.

Jimmy watches the 'tv' whenever he gets a chance,sometimes with his Wife. Usually? Not. Cas isn't him. In fact, they have almost nothing in common, and his body grows less like Jimmy steadily, while Jimmy hasn't aged a day, in fact he's a bit younger than when he started vesseling. Amelia says it's because he was he was happier then. Amelia hates Cas.

Jimmy should hate Cas. He's got every right to. He's not him and he's wearing his face and raising his Daughter and being really fucking weird the whole way.

Amelia is Homophobic. Not something Jimmy thought would ever affect them, he's more sympathetic but it never affected him.

Not until he hosted a Gay Angel anyways.

Now it... Kinda matters to him. He remembers that. The way the Angel felt for Dean.... Jimmy didn't think Humans could feel that way. He never had.

He couldn't stop watching. He remembered how Dean had made Cas feel and he was fascinated, looking for all those little things. He didn't think Dean even knew he did them.

Cas is not Jimmy.

Yet, he can't help but to sorta project onto him, relate to him. Afterall, that is his face, and he remembers what it likes to love Dean.

The feeling returns to the front of his memory when he watched them together.

The memory.

Because things with Amelia are almost perfect.

Would be perfect, if it wasn't for how.... Complicated, the Claire thing was.

The years going by don't feel so long to Jimmy. Not the way they do for Cas or Dean.

Not the way it shows on how fast Claire is growing up. Without him.

That still stings. Gay or not, Hunter or not, that's his daughter and he's had too much time to reflect to care about the rest.

She has Cas and Jody and Kaia and Donna.... At least there's that.

If Jimmy maybe wishes he was down there, it was because that's where his kid is. Where the important things--other than Amelia--are.

Not because Dean looks weirdly good when he tosses up a blade.

Not because he can't help but see himself, in Cas, even when he shouldn't, even when there's nothing to see.

That'd be absurd.

When he sees what isn't quite him, on the couch with his daughter who's all grown up, calling someone else Dad "on accident" sometimes and painting the son of Lucifer's nails while a beautiful man he remembers loving stroke his-not his-head.

Jimmy can't quite stand it.

He stops watching.

He tries to make it okay, with Amelia. It's not okay. Maybe it was never really that okay.

Maybe he resents her.

Maybe he wishes those green eyes looked at the real him like that. Wish anyone did.

Maybe he impulsively sought Dean out, after he died, to ask about Claire. Told Amelia to stay, that he didn't want her in that mess.

Maybe Dean stared at him with that look. The one he wanted and it wasn't even for him. Dean realised Jimmy wasn't Cas almost too quickly. Which makes sense. He was younger and different in almost every way. He wasn't Cas. He never could be. No one would ever look at him like that. His own Daughter wouldn't look at hin the way she looked at Cas. Not after all these years.

Jimmy didn't even have it in him to hate him for it. So he had a drink with Dean, and was told about the things he couldn't see, his heart tearing with every word for a million reasons. Told him that Castiel's love for him was somethin' to cherish.

And then he went home to his Wife.

In heaven.

He told her about how much Claire loved Kaia and he didn't turn his head for Amelia's ways any more.

Maybe one day he would tell her that she was the dirty outlier of their family.