#this fucked up life isnt good n pure and the parts that can be deemed' immoral' also need to be talked abt

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

dont have aspd but i like never had emotional empathy growing up (yay mix of autism and childhood situations that caused me to unlearn/block off emotional empathy) and i've never felt remorse and i only get small twinges of guilt i can easily brush aside, but i watched drrr at age 17 and showed it to my family and having all of em be like "yo ur just like izaya" (my mum was like "yeah if i hadnt been super careful how i raised u, 100% u would've turned out worse than izaya" which. uh considering before izaya the chara i related most to was azula from atla. fun to hear). and it me caused me to be like "oh shit maybe i should like learn empathy". i didnt realise i had cognitive empathy or that it was even a thing so i spent a few years teaching myself emotional empathy and man it suuuucks. worst decision i ever made. now i spend time being like upset for other ppl? when i used to just, be able to intellectually understand things sucked for them and help em out w/o feeling anything and so i wasnt emotionally bothered/drained afterwards. whereas now i like, spend time crying over other ppl? exhausting and terrible. it hasnt improved me as a person at all, im dont actually care abt things any more than i used to, and i think cognitive empathy is by far the most useful and practical out of the two. im not saying u shouldnt listen to ur therapist, i just kinda wanted to get that off my chest and not be judged?

WANNA MAKE CLEAR i am not judging u i just have always always always wanted to use this meme for as long as i have known of its existence

and what ur describing is literally exactly why i worry abt emotional empathy and feeling remorse like. maybe i'm fine existing this way. maybe i don't want to be fixed!! i get that itd make me more palatable and easier to get along with or whatever but i'm a person too!! what about me?? everyone will have conflict at some point; what about me makes it so that all chances of that need to be hammered down?? i'm a person too- what about what i feel is right for my own emotional state???

fun facts my fiance liked me partly because i reminded him of izaya. idk if you know enough of my blog to know my Lore but: he knew me for a day thru roleplaying and i wanted to know him outside of a rp context, and he was talking abt liking psychology. i then challenged him to diagnose me, yaknow As You Do, and in a Public Server he went "oh you have aspd, don't you?" totally innocently, he had no idea abt the stigma

i ofc denied it because i wanted him to like me and also was sixteen, but oddly enuf the aspd traits are (partly) Why He Liked Me??? not in a fetishistic way but just like, accepting that was part of my personality that doesnt need to be hammered out and like, not acting like Total Full Remission It's Like It Was Never Even There is the only end goal worth chasing like. maybe i dont wanna fully remiss maybe thats my choice and i have fuckin, command over my own god damned mind body and life!!!???

also fwiw: i dont know the rest of your symptoms but you having autism and the symptoms coming from trauma don't negate the possibility that it's aspd so id suggest looking into it more! even if a therapist said you didnt have it, they can be kinda..... stupid about aspd lmfao! don't look on quora and don't look on reddit nothing good lies behind those walls

[authorofdanger]

Nightmares

Summary: What was life like for Y/N before Stray Kids?

Genre: Angst

WARNING!!! IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO ABUSE OR ANY FORM OF IT PLEASE DONT READ THIS!!!

"Get back here you fucking rat," my owner screamed while chasing me through out the house. I ran as fast as I could out into the back yard with his bat in hand. The twigs and broken glass pierced into my feet as I went deeper and deeper into the trees behind my home and in the distance I could hear the hounds howling and multiple footsteps catching up to me.

This was all because I wouldn't let him punish the other ten year old bunny hybrid for something she didnt even do. In a drunken rage my owner came at her with the wooden bat which could easily have killed her so I fought hard and retrieved the weapon, determined to find a way of disposing it. I knew once I get captured I would get the life beaten out of me, figuratively if not literally, but it is always worth it if it means the other prey hybrids are okay.

Getting trapped between the house and the fast paced stream ahead of me I decided to toss the bat into the raging waters and dart upstream. "I see her! Why isnt anybody using the shock button!" I could hear ringing in my ears and a sharp pain shoot from my neck and wrists which sent me to the ground in a heartbeat with a shrill scream. I couldnt even feel the pair of arms that hoisted me up and dragged me back towards the hell house where I would receive possibly another set of broken bones and other various punishments.

"Y/N? Y/N hey its okay," a soft voice hushed as I shot up from the couch and onto the floor to cower myself into a corner. I clasped my arms over my head and gasped out apologies to avoid another beating I was sure to receive. That's when I felt the soft pets on my ears and scalp before removing my shaking arms. A hand found it's way under my chin and guided my gaze into the familiar loving brown eyes of Jisung. I could see the worry and panic in his face and I couldnt slow my jagged breathing.

"Changbin go call-" "No," I cried. Only then did I notice how raw my voice was and how weak I sounded. How long have I been screaming? I scanned both Changbin and Jisung's concerned faces before I completely broke down in front of them. I was then pulled into the strong set of arms and gently lifted back onto the couch. I hate feeling so small and so weak when all my life I had to be strong, if I wanted to live I wasn't allowed to shed a single tear. "Baby what happened? What was the dream about," Changbin sighed while gently stroking my back while Jisung positioned me to sit in his lap facing him. I buried my nose into the crook of his neck and shook my head.

Chan and Felix are the only two who know about my past since we didnt think the others could handle the graphic details. All they know is I was abused and Chan's family rescued me from the shelter I was sent to. I was meant to be Chan's support hybrid for his debut and I do a good job if you asked either one of us but when I finally described what exactly happened to me to the Aussie line that's when they became my support too.

"We cant help you unless we know what's going on. You've been having nightmares like this for the past two weeks again. You havent had this problem in months," Jisung began with the sweetest tone he could muster behind his growing nerves. "Please let us help you." I wiped my eyes and thought for a moment at all the times I have woken up all three rappers from my reoccurring nightmares, two of them watching in worry as only one found the way to calm me down. I nodded my head and guided one of Changbin's hands to the base of my left ear as I took in a shallow breath.

"Its about my last home," I whimpered, "I keep dreaming of all the things he did to all of us. The way he would beat us nearly if not to death. The way he treated us. It still haunts me and it doesnt help that its January." "What's wrong with January," Changbin asked. "My sister's birth month. The same month he forced me to watch him kill her. All because I took away his beating bat."

They looked at me in horror as they slowly began to piece together parts of my history. I glanced down at the scars on my stomach from when on that same night he forced her to shred the soft skin before her demise. I was put in physical and mental torture that night. "Its okay bunny girl. He's gone for good now," Changbin comforted behind a few stray tears. Jisung was close to breaking too with the looks of it but he was trying so hard to stay strong for me in this moment. "Can you tell us what happened to you?"

"My owner owned a breeding ring that my sister and I were born into. The both of us were deemed infertile so he just simply decided to use us as servants around his home. He was a constant drunk and found any reason to beat me and the other hybrids around the home. He killed alot of us over the years from the mix of physically beating us to death, starving us, and depriving us of water if we weren't deemed good enough. I was the oldest of the group when the cops arrived but I also had the worst physical damage. I was the one to take the blame for many mistakes and did everything I could to protect my family. I got no more than three hours of sleep most nights as to make sure everyone survived another night. When the cops came they found me in a tiny dog cage with my stomach mutilated, starving, and barely breathing. I stayed in the shelter in Sydney for almost a year before Chan's family found me. Chan was the first person I allowed to touch my ears and I for some unknown reason trusted him enough to fall asleep on him during adoption day."

I took in one more deep breath before looking Jisung in his eyes and whimpered "if Chan wouldn't have gotten me I was going to be put down because I was deemed aggressive. He saved my life, a life I didnt even know I still wanted." That's when he broke. He hid his face into my chest and shook wildly from a mix of sadness and pure anger.

"You know we would never hurt you. We love you and you do so much for us and I cant imagine how anyone could do that to you," Changbin said while holding his tears back. "I love you guys too. But please if any of the others ask about this dont say anything. I want to tell each of you on my own time."

"I promise. I promise I wont tell, I promise I wont hurt you, and I damn promise nobody will hurt you like that ever again," Changbin assured. "And I promise I will never let you go. I want to hold and protect you forever. We wont let you go."

And they never did.