#this fever or whatever the fuck ive got has been.....a ride

[scootatwoni]

Oh I CANNOT breathe outta my nose

[thetarttfuldickhead]

Ive got this image of Roy kissing Jamie on the head and idk if my brain wants it to be shippy or big brother, little brother kinds way, but in whatever case I Need That

Hey, nonny, do you have spyware installed in my brain? I’ve literally been thinking about this exact scenario for the past few days, trying to hash out what it might look like and what precedes it and what sort of kiss it is.

I have severaly vague ideas that are none of them fully realized and all of them more fluffy wish-fulfillment than anything else. Thought I might get around to ficcing one of them properly one day, but that’s unlikely to ever happen, so have three roughly sketched snapshots of head kisses from my fevered imagination: 

I. Hurt/Comfort

Eventually there comes a day when Jamie snaps and channels the Jamie of yore and just goes for everbody’s throats with bared teeeth. Roy misses the dust-up but arrives for the aftermath with the entire team and Ted looking a little shell-shocked.

“What the fuck happened here?” Roy demands. Ted explains, and hastens to add that clearly something must be wrong for Jamie to behave like that and could Roy please go check on him?

Roy finds Jamie in the storage room and the moment he enters Jamie whirls on him, terrible smirk plastered over his face. 

“Oh, what a fucking surprise, Timid Ted sent Roy Kent to do his shouting for him, that’s a real—“ 

Roy ignores the drawling venom (and ignores the way it makes his stomach drop and twist with the memories of oh so many other confrontations between the two of them, back when they truly did loathe one another). He stops in the middle of the room and fixes Jamie with a carefully neutral look. 

“Jamie,” he asks, very calmly, “do you need a fucking hug?” 

For a moment, nothing. Then Jamie laughs, and it’s an ugly thing filled with scorn and jagged edges. “Oh, you’d fucking like that, wouldn’t you, big man Roy Kent, riding in on your white horse, going to— ”

And still Roy doesn’t raise to the bait. He takes a step closer. No aggression to the move, just determination: the unmoveable object to Jamie’s irresistable force. “No. Jamie, do you need a fucking hug?” 

So close, he’s standing. So steady, his voice. In the face of that resolute peace Jamie’s rage can’t help but dwindle and wither. He closes his eyes. Jerks his head once for yes. 

And Roy wraps his arms around him and holds him, and holds him, and holds him until the tension starts to bleed out of Jamie’s body and he rests his head on Roy’s shoulder. They stay like that for a little longer, but then Roy gently moves his hand to Jamie’s shoulders, pushing him back slightly so that he can look at him. “Feeling better?” 

“Yeah.” And, with a quick glance to Roy’s face, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not really me you need to apologize to.” 

“No, yeah, I know. I will.” 

Roy looks at him for another moment, just looks. Sighs, maybe; eventually gives a little nod.

“Good lad,” he says, briefly pulling Jamie in again to place a kiss on his forehead, before putting a hand on his back to guide him back out into the world. “Don’t fucking let your father make you think any different.”

If Will is huddling in the corner for this one? Your call, gentle reader.

II. Affection

Say that Roy and Keeley are in Jamie’s childhood bedroom because they want to check on him. I’m thinking that Something Has Happened that concerns Jamie – probably something to do with his dad at the next Man City match – but the immediate situation has resolved itself and Roy and Keeley are just getting back together and had this whole fancy dinner planned and Jamie said he was fine so they head out for their big date.

And it’s lovely, really it is, only they’re both preoccupied throughout the meal and eventually one of the just blurts sorry, I’m really excited to be here with you but I can’t stop thinking about Jamie – yeah, me too – we should go check on him – and so they’re off to his mum, and maybe Jamie’s out buying milk and for some reason his mum has Keeley and Roy wait in Jamie’s old bedroom and when Jamie finally does show up he is understandably surprised to see them.

“I though you went on a date,” he says, closing the door behind him.

And they explain that they were, they are, but they were worried about him and just wanted to make sure he’s okay. 

Jamie is okay. Scored two goals against City, and wasn’t nearly as bothered by his dad’s antics as he’d thought he be, he’s just dandy.

Having eventually convinced them of that, he pauses and cocks his head. Does that quizzical little face with his lips pursed. “It’s a bit weird, you two coming to check on me in the middle of your date, innit?”

Keeley shakes her head. “Jamie, it’s not weird. We care about you.”

Jamie raises his eyebrows at this, throwing a teasing look Roy’s way. “Yeah? You care about me, Roy?”

And Roy rolls his eyes and shakes his head, scoffing the way only Jamie can make him scoff, because of course Jamie would fucking ask. 

“Come here, you fucking twat,” he says and Jamie grins at that as he crosses the floor because Roy is smiling through the bark, and Roy still has one hand in Keeley’s but his free arm he slings around Jamie’s shoulders to give him a tight hug while pressing a firm kiss to the top of Jamie’s blonde hair. “’Course I fucking care.”

(This one’s not unsimiliar to another [shippy] scenario I sketched recently. I tend to ponder all sorts of minor variations of the same theme, though usually I settle for just one to inflict upon the rest of the world.)

III. And a Shippy One to See Us Off

The boys are celebrating something – not winning a game, I don’t think, because they’re not on the pitch, they’re somewhere off alone. In the locker room after everyone’s left, maybe, or out during an early-mornings training session? Doesn’t really matter. They’re alone.

Jamie’s phone goes off, he picks it up, listens for a bit, nods and yeahs and goes “thanks, man, that’s fucking great” and when he puts his phone away he doesn’t say anything at all at first. Looks a bit dazed, and after a minute of that (well, more like a second, ‘cause Roy Kent is not a patient man) Roy demands to know the fuck’s going on.

“I’ve been called up for England,” Jamie says, and he sounds dazed too, like he can’t quite believe it. Sneaks a glance at Roy, as if checking is this real, is this happening?

For a moment, Roy says nothing. Then he says “fuck”, and then they’re both screaming and jumping up and down and holding each other and somewhere in all that Roy just pulls Jamie close and smacks a kiss on the top of his head.

It’s completely unthinking, but it immediately gives them both pause – and it takes them by surprise how it actually makes them go still. If you’d asked them before, neither would have thought a silly little peck on the head would be anything to take notice off; they’re footballers, yeah? They’re tactile. But still they go, and they glance at each other and both of them find their eyes drawn to the other’s lips.

“Oh,” Roy says. Bless his heart, would you believe he’s just figuring it out? But to be fair, so’s Jamie.

A moment, teethering, each of them holding their breath, waiting to see what happens next.

Roy swallows. Jamie tilts his head to the side and slowly, slowly – giving Roy all the time in the world to punch him or run off or go back to jumping up and down like nothing’s happened – he reaches out to put a hand on Roy’s neck.

Roy doesn’t punch Jamie. Roy doesn’t run off. Roy doesn’t go back to jumping up and down. He leans in, ever so slightly, lips parting.

“Yeah?” Jamie asks, just to be sure.

Roys nods, once, sharply. “Yeah.”

Jamie kisses him.

---

Yeah, nonny, I need that. You need that. Everybody needs that! I mean, Jamie and Roy certainly fucking does.

[anogete]

Watch me vomit up my thoughts

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?  I’m sorry I’ve disappeared on everyone.  It’s been... a year.  I think that probably goes for everyone, not just me.  If you’re interested in a personal life update, then read on.  If you’re looking for an update on my writing then I regret to inform you that I haven’t written a single thing this year.  Maybe next year, though.  There is always next year, right?  I think I saw a blurb that we’re getting Sam and Bucky back in March.  And Loki shortly after.  Maybe that will be my inspiration.

I’m fortunate enough to have a job that lets me comfortably work from home.  I’m also fortunate enough to own a home.  And my last blessing is that I don’t have kids, so I didn’t have to figure out the nightmare of childcare and home schooling like some of you.  My library on the second floor of the house has been my office since mid-March.  I’ve been transitioning into the Associate Financial Advisor roll this year and that has been going well.  I’m supporting the clients I’ve worked with as an assistant for the past nine years, so it’s been easy-going.  I’m able to order my groceries for pick up to avoid going in the stores and I live in an neighborhood where it is easy to get delivery from restaurants.  I’m incredibly lucky to have all these things going for me and I am thankful every damn day.

I fell into a bit of a funk this spring and early summer, but managed to pull myself out of it in August.  I started planning my meals, walking 2-5 miles every day, and exercising on the Peloton bike I bought a year ago.  I also started reading again and zipped through almost 50 books between June and now.  By November, I was feeling strong and healthy.  I felt like I had found a balance between work and activity and self-care.  I was still coming to terms with my grandma passing in March of last year and with Ferguson (my sweet doggo) passing in September of last year.  But I was trying and things were getting better.  I felt like I had my feet underneath me.

Lemme stop you here if you don’t want to read about death and some general medical stuff.  Because that’s mostly what you’re getting from here on out.

On November 21st, my mom texted me at 5:30am.  I got it right away because I usually wake up around that time, alarm or not.  She said she had dropped my dad off at the hospital because he was having difficulty breathing.  Apparently, he’d been feeling bad for a week, but insisted to everyone that it was just his sinuses draining.  I called her and began questioning her like I was cross-examining a star witness.  I was able to piece together a really fucking shitty story.

My dad always went to a friend’s house on Friday evenings to have a couple beers and hang out.  We’d all warned him since March that he needed to stop, but he insisted it was fine.  He bought into a lot of the cavalier attitude that the Trump fans have over this virus. Plus, he was 64-years-old and didn’t take any medication so he probably thought it was no big deal.  He spent a few hours at his friend’s house on November 6th.  Unbeknownst to anyone at the time, he received a call from that friend on November 11th that the friend and the friend’s wife had tested positive for COVID.  He didn’t share this info with my mother, my brothers, or my uncle, all of whom had been near him.  By November 15th, he was coughing but insisted it was drainage when my mom suggested he take something for it and go to the doctor.  By November 18th, he was worse and admitted to my mom that his friend had tested positive but that he hadn’t seen him for almost two weeks so his problems were just sinus-related and not COVID.  My mom hates confrontation, so she accepted this and didn’t tell anyone, including me and my brothers.  By November 19th, he had a fever and was having trouble breathing along with a persistent cough.  He finally agreed to take some cold medicine, but refused to call his doctor’s office despite my mom asking him many, many times.  At 4:30am on November 21st, he woke my mom and asked her to take him to the hospital because he couldn’t breathe well.  She dropped him off and returned home to text me since they wouldn’t allow her in the building.  She also texted my brothers, who admitted that they felt like they’d had a cold for several days.  I live 4 hours away and haven’t traveled since March, so I hadn’t seen any of them.

A nurse called my mom a couple hours after she dropped my dad off to tell her that he was positive for COVID and pneumonia and they were admitting him to put him on a bipap.  From what I understand, that’s the oxygen mask that pushes air into your lungs.  Later that day, the health department called my mom and told her to quarantine for two weeks.  My mom cooperated and gave them my brothers’ phone number (they live together), my uncle’s phone number, and the name and number of the person we suspected my dad was infected by (his friend).  My brothers opted to get tested and were positive.  They quarantined for two weeks and had mild to moderate symptoms (brief fever, very tired, cough, drainage).  My mom had virtually no symptoms with the exception of some drainage that she took Mucinex for.  She didn’t get tested, but she lived and slept in the same bed with my dad for a week while he was symptomatic.  If my brothers got it from 30 minutes in the same room as him, surely she got it as well.  My uncle and his son got tested, but they were negative.

My dad was cooperative with the doctor and nurses at first, but as the first day wore on he became irritated.  He’d been without his chewing tobacco (yes, I know: eww) for several hours and was going through nicotine withdrawal, but wouldn’t admit that to the nurses or doctor.  The next day he was put in ICU, still on the bipap, and even more unruly and rude to the staff taking care of him.  They called my mom to ask her to talk to him and convince him to cooperate.  They said if he couldn’t recover on the bipap and required a ventilator then “things would be very bad.”  My mom tried to talk to him by text and he just continued to insist that he was well enough to come home.

I used to be close to my dad when I was a kid, but we’d grown apart over my adulthood.  Over the past 20 years, my dad morphed into someone different.  Everyone around him, especially my grandmother, told me they saw this happen the same as I did.  The result was that my dad became someone I didn’t like and didn’t want to spend time with.  He also didn’t seem to know how to talk to me anymore.  To be fair, I didn’t give him much help in that regard.  I texted him to see how he was doing and the conversation quickly devolved into him complaining about the care and insisting he was well enough to come home.  I tried to reason with him and appeal to his love for my mom by saying that my fear was him coming home and giving her the virus.  He told me that he’d decided he was no longer contagious and this was just a bunch of bullshit.  This conversation via text continued through Monday and Tuesday (November 23rd and 24th), but it took a turn for the delusional.  The doctor can only assume that the virus and the lack of oxygen had resulted in hallucinations and delusions.  My dad told my mother and I that he was in an office building owned by a man named Mr. Pritt.  He said he was the only patient and that this man was having his workers experiment on him and that they would eventually kill him.  He demanded that we come get him immediately so he could recover at home.  When we told him he’d die if he came home because he was too sick, he insisted he wasn’t sick at all and became very angry with us.  He accused both my mom and I of conspiring to kill him because we wouldn’t help him.  One day he told me that I’d confirmed what he’d known all along.  I asked him what that was and he said, “That I always loved you more than you loved me.”  This really hurt because even though I knew he was loopy, I also knew that he’d probably actually had that though before.

He began refusing treatment on those days and wouldn’t accept the steroids they were trying to give him and raised hell when they tried to take him for a chest x-ray.  He also told them he didn’t want to be placed on a ventilator even though he had agreed to one when he was admitted.  He was texting all of his friends and telling them he needed a ride home.  He attempted to get up and leave the hospital twice, falling in the floor both times because he was so weak from lack of oxygen once he took the mask off.  He also told my mom and I that he was secretly removing the mask when the nurses couldn’t see to prove to them that he wasn’t sick.  He was taking and sending blurry pictures to us of the room as “evidence.”  He told my mom to forward the pictures to “the feds.”  The pictures were of his hospital bed, the whiteboard with his nurses’ and doctor’s names on it, his IVs, etc.  By the morning of Wednesday, the 25th, I was getting some off-the-wall texts from him.  He was begging us to come check him out of the hospital at that point and we were trying to play along and tell him we were getting everything in order for him to come home soon.  Eventually, he told me that he wasn’t getting out of there alive and that he loved me.  I told him I loved him too and begged him to do whatever the doctor said because the doctor wanted to help him get better.

A few minutes later, the nurse called my mom and asked if she’d been on the phone with my dad.  My mom said she and I hadn’t spoken to him by any way other than text since he arrived at the hospital.  The nurse said he had been on the phone with a woman, trying to convince her to come get him.  The nurse made him put the call on speaker so she could tell the woman that he wasn’t well enough to leave.  Because she was concerned that her message didn’t get through before my dad hung up, she called my mom to make sure he hadn’t convinced my mom to check him out against medical advice.  My mom assured her that we had no intention of breaking him out of the hospital, but she didn’t know who the woman was.  It wasn’t her or me.  We called a long-time former co-worker of my dad’s that I’ve known since I was a kid and she said she hadn’t talked to him.  We called his best friend and asked if he’d called and spoken to the man’s wife.  Not her either.  More on this later.  I’m sure you know where it’s going.

We were stumped, but didn’t have time to deal with it because the nurse practitioner called and told my mom that my dad was delusional and could no longer make his own decisions.  They said he had no chance of survival if they didn’t put him on a ventilator immediately.  My mom called me.  I told her to agree to it.  The nurse called her back and gave the phone to my dad.  He had agreed to the ventilator as well and wanted to tell my mom that he loved her and me and my brothers and his dog.  His speech was slurred and muffled from the bipap mask, but she at least heard that.  They intubated him right after the call.  He was on a paralytic for a week.  When they backed off on the paralytic, they had to increase his oxygen.  A week later, the nurse tried to kindly tell us that he wasn’t getting better and his chances of survival were low.  She suggested we start to talk about turning off the ventilator and letting him go.  We did talk about that, which was very upsetting for everyone, but the doctor said he’d been on the ventilator for two weeks and we’d give him one more week to see what happens.  By this point, he no longer had pneumonia. But the damage COVID did to his lungs couldn’t be repaired.

The ventilator was on full blast (highest pressure, highest oxygen) just to keep him somewhat stable.  The days were ticking by and he still wasn’t making progress.  Any step forward was followed by a bigger step back. My mom would call and get the update from the nurse most days, but I did call myself a few days.  When I’d call and talk to the nurse, I’d get a grim picture that my mom didn’t seem to get or understand. I talked to her on December 12th and asked her if she was trying to protect my brothers and I or if she really thought he was going to get better.  She admitted that she’d had a feeling for days that he wasn’t going to get better.  We decided to just wait for the doctor to call.  The nurse called my mom on Monday, December 14th and told her that my dad’s blood pressure was all over the place and they were struggling to keep him stable, that the ventilator was turned up to the highest settings and it was barely enough to keep him going.  My mom texted me and told me she asked them to call me.  The doctor called me within about 20 minutes and basically told me that my dad wasn’t going to make it.  They’d had him on a ventilator for 19 days and within a couple days his throat tissue would likely become necrotic from the pressure of the cuff keeping the tube in place.  They could only continue the ventilator if they could put in a trach and he wasn’t stable enough for that.  In addition, he needed more support than the ventilator could provide.  I was told he was either going to go into cardiac arrest while on the ventilator and die or they’d be forced to take him off the ventilator because of the damage to his throat.  The most damning thing he told me was that he’d removed the sedation but my dad didn’t wake.  He wasn’t responsive, wouldn’t squeeze their hands, wouldn’t flinch when they tested his reflexes, nothing.

I was told we could come sit with him and say goodbye when the ventilator was removed.  I asked when and the doctor said soon.  I live 4 hours from my parents, so I told him I’d leave right away and have my mom call to make arrangements for me to come to the hospital.  I called my mom and told her all this and asked her to let the hospital know.  I packed a bag and rushed out the door.  On my way out of town, the doctor called me back and asked if I was on my way.  My mom had told them that we’d come by the next morning and he was worried my dad wouldn’t make it through the night.  So, I had to have a shitty conversation with my mom about how we couldn’t schedule my dad’s death for 7am on Tuesday, that it needed to happen at 8pm on Monday.  I do not recommend these types of calls.

I got into town around 7pm and picked my mom up because she’d decided she wanted to come with me.  My brothers said they couldn’t handle it and decided to stay at my mom’s house.  My mom and I were taken to the COVID floor, given gowns, and gloves, told he was COVID positive so we’d need to continue to wear our cloth masks (no medical mask, is that safe?!), and escorted to his room in the ICU.  Guys, he looked so fucking tired and so sad.  It was heartbreaking.  The nurse said their ICU was full and most of the patients were in the same shape as my dad.  We talked to him for a few minutes, held his hand and all that shit.  He didn’t respond in any way, so I don’t know if he was even there.  We stepped out of the room while they removed the tube and gave him some medicine.  When we went back in, his breaths were labored and it looked like he was gasping for air. My mom almost lost it because she wasn’t expecting that.  I told her she could go wait in the hall and I’d stay with him until he passed.  The nurse was kind enough to give him a little more medicine to make it less dramatic, but it was still difficult watching him breathe in that way.  My mom sat so she couldn’t see his head to make things easier on herself.  We sat there with him for about 40 minutes before he passed away at 8:32pm on Monday, the 14th.

I stayed with my mom last week and helped her arrange a private graveside service and the burial.  She wanted to do a funeral and I thought that was the worst idea, so we agreed on doing a celebration of life next year when things are a little better (hopefully).  To my knowledge, I haven’t had the virus.  I operated under the assumption that my mom and brothers had it and were immune for now and wouldn’t transmit it.  So, I was able to be with them without mask, but I did wear a mask when anyone else was around.  I can’t say the same for the fucking funeral director and the locksmith’s employee who opened my dad’s safe for us, though.  I live in a bigger city and mask wearing is pretty wide-spread here, but I saw so many people in my hometown (a more rural area) who didn’t bother with them.

Anyway, while all these graveside preparations are going on my mom goes through the bag of personal items from my dad that the hospital gave us.  She tossed his clothes in the washer and placed his two rings into a bag to give to the funeral home so he could be buried in them.  She also pulled out his wallet and his cell phone.  His wallet has a picture that was obviously cut from an old driver’s license of a woman named Deb.  Apparently, this woman lives in Florida and had attended junior high school with my dad.  About two years ago, my parents took a trip to Florida and visited with her for several days.  She even friended my mom on Facebook.  So, the old driver’s license picture of her was very weird.  What was even more disturbing?  His wallet also contained a plastic bag of hair that very obviously is not my mom’s.  And there was a piece of paper with three phone numbers on it.  His phone was locked with a PIN and was set to wipe itself after 20 incorrect tries.  I did tried to break into it, but wasn’t successful.  My mom admitted that she suspected he’d been talking to someone on his phone for years, but she never directly confronted him about it.  She’d just make comments about him always texting on his phone and being secretive.  Two Christmases ago he bought her a ring at a store that she has an online login to.  This particular store posts the receipts for all purchases linked to the customer’s account to the website.  She saw that my dad had purchased two pieces of jewelry even though she only received one.  My dad has never in his life bought me a Christmas present without my mom assisting, so she knew it wasn’t for me.  She still didn’t confront him, though.  She just told him that she could see the itemized receipts online.

I sympathized with my mom because I’ve experienced the infidelity of a partner in a relationship and if I were her then I’d want to know.  But I also told her that I don’t know digging into it will make things any better and may not even give her the truth.  He’s gone and there is nothing that can be done about that or anything else.  While I was running errands for her the day before the graveside service, she messaged Deb in Florida and asked if she wanted her picture back.  She also called the three phone numbers in his wallet.  One went to Deb.  The other two were the cell phone and work phone of my dad’s best friend’s wife, Anne.  The same friend and wife who likely gave the virus to my dad.  My mom told me when I got back that she’d done this and admitted she’d always felt like my dad was talking to Anne and might have an inappropriate relationship with her.  I suspect my mom is right.  Gut instinct is usually accurate.  She said she didn’t think anything physical was going on with Deb, but she did think my dad was carrying on a flirtatious relationship with her via text.  In both cases, he tried to hide it.  And if you hide it, then you know it’s wrong.  That night Deb messaged my mom back and said she had heard about what happened to my dad and was very sorry.  She said that my dad was always clear that he was married and nothing went on that was inappropriate, but that he gave her someone to talk to when her husband was sick and dying five years earlier and they’d always kept in contact.  Again, I don’t think my mom can count on anyone to give her the full story without spin or deceit.  A couple days ago, she texted me a picture of a receipt from my dad’s truck.  It was from last Christmas from a department store.  It had two pieces of jewelry on it.  She looked them both up using the UPCs listed and found the necklace he gave her last year and a ring she doesn’t recognize.  We don’t know if he was giving this jewelry to Deb in Florida or Anne, his friend’s wife.  Or someone else we don’t even know about.  And we’re probably never going to know.  Do I want to call Deb and Anne and tell them I want to full story?  Fuck yeah.  Do I think it will fix anything?  Fuck no.

TL;DR?  I finally found some balance in my life late this summer.  This balance was destroyed when my dad got COVID and died after three weeks in the hospital.  And when you’ve already got a not-so-great relationship with your dad, you get all kinds of feels when he dies in a traumatic way and then you find out he’s been screwing around on your mom.  I also have lots of anger toward him for knowingly exposing my other family members to the virus simply because he didn’t want to own up to getting it after doing something we’d all told him to stop doing.

Health-wise?  I think I’m okay.  It’s been almost ten days since I was with him in the hospital and seven days since his graveside service.  I haven’t had any symptoms yet and I think most people show symptoms by now.  Regardless, I’ve been at home since I returned last Thursday evening and I intend to stay home until January 2nd.  My boyfriend is also home and will be here until January 2nd as well.  Just to be safe.  My brothers are mostly recovered, but both still have a bit of a cough.  My mom never had much in the way of symptoms and seems fine.  My dad was 64 and overweight.  We found out once he was admitted to the hospital that his regular doctor had told him he was a diabetic and my dad insisted on “treating” that with cinnamon instead of actual medicine.  Other than those things, he didn’t have any health concerns.  Be careful, ya’ll.

[mauserfrau]

Bordertober - Time For Two, Part 1

Tyreen’s view of waking up at Dr. Black’s.  Contains medical/injury material, Tyreen being gross and some vaguely hinted at Troyreen.  Note that Part 2 is shaping up to be more obvious about this.  Probably nothing graphic, since I’m planning to recut all of the Dr. Black shorts into a single story.  Oh, and I put her H/C post at the bottom.

Waking up at Dr. Black’s had been embarrassing more than anything else.  She’d had no idea where she was the first few times she came around.  There were now two holes in her torso and two in her right arms.  She couldn’t do anything for herself. Ugh-- that part was the worst.  Troy gave her a bath with fucking people wipes.  She got sacks full of doped up skag pups and chickens for food.  She did not get to toilet herself.  Nope, stuck in bed except for leg stretches twice a day, no complaints, ring the bell if you need anything. 

And then that woman, leaning over her, poking her with clamps and sounds because she couldn’t use her hands.  Well, it took the fever rolling off of her for Tyreen to take notice of it, but Dr. Black seems to keep all of her dexterity in those fingers of hers.  The rest of her had some mild form of dyskinesia, probably an old injury pretty far down her spine.  It happened to make her look like easy prey, but Tyreen figurds not devouring the person who procured her pain meds might work out better in the long run.

Meds meaning she slept a lot.  Actually, Tyreen wasn’t sure that she’d ever slept so much in her whole life.  She spent most of the days under for a few restless hours at dawn or dusk spent ticking over a third-hand ECHO and feeling her guts lurch at random as the moon smirked down the operating theater skylight.  She made it to the bottom of a music swapping forum she’d been eyeing and listened to old school synth jazz while reading Vonnegut or something called “Pirate AU Fanfiction” which she didn’t realize was derivative until she found the one starring Arthur Gordon Pym of all characters.

So it wasn’t like she was bored.  Hell, the weird thrum of her body knitting back together could have kept her occupied.

The stillness in her bones though ached worse than her bullet wound.

Tyreen sighed.  She ran her hand down her torso to the sore, bruised place trailing off from her entry wound.  She pressed ever so lightly until her belly twinged and her toes curled.

This didn’t so much remind her of the fact she was going to be wearing a lovely S&S Munitions bullet for the rest of her life.  It reminded her of that other itch she couldn’t scratch, the one that was going to take talking instead of prowling to fix.

~*~

Dr. Black at least took hints.  Tyreen bitched at her about being woken up closer to noon than not exactly once.  Next time? Dawn hadn’t even cracked

She got her vitals taken and her bandages changed.  The IV came out and that was the only blood that leaked out of her that day.  Her wrappings still got all sticky and rheumy, but they weren’t brown anymore in that way that kind of made her want to suck on them.

So, a lot of next times later, it finally happened: “Well, you’re healing up nicely if I do say so myself.  What do you want to do first?”

Weird.  Tyreen never asked Troy what he wanted to do when he started improving after a spell or a fall.  She squinted at Dr. Black.  “Is that a trick question?”

“Well, I don’t recommend BASE jumping for obvious reasons, but no?” Not that Dr. Black sounded sure of this.

“I need my hair washed.  That dry shampoo made it all sandy and shit.  Then I wanna go outside and, you know.”

“I’m out of chickens, sorry.”

Tyreen rolled her eyes.  She’d actually meant piss on a fence post and scope out the best vantages for ambushes, but she was getting hungry too, so of course the woman had to mention.  “Whatever.  Hair first.”

“Well, your brother and me already figured out how to do that since you’re still not cleared to shower because germ transfer.  Get ready.”

The two of them maneuvered her onto one of the rolling stools and pushed her into the kitchen rather than any of the bathrooms-- for a woman living alone, Dr. Black had at least three according to her hallway.

Tyreen’s impression of the kitchen was what it smelled of some unfamiliar grassy-brown spice and eggs.  Most food didn’t tempt her anymore, but there was something about the whiff of a runny yolk that got her tongue to stir.  Anyway, the stainless steel sink had been scrubbed out and Tyreen knew where this was going.  She groaned.

She’d been all of four the last time anybody washed her hair for her, let alone in a sink.  Sink salons were for babies.

Troy’s hand rested on her shoulder.  “It’s just for a couple of times.  What else have I been doing for you? And did the world end, Ty?”

“Fine.  I want two washes and extra gooey stuff.” She meant conditioner, but she flicked her tongue over her lips pronouncing it gooey stuff like a drunk her.

Troy blinked way too hard, but he nodded and finished wheeling her over.

So much for innuendo getting her anyplace today.  He was probably stuck in his own head for a change.  Contemplating caring for her.  Like it was… like it was that big of a deal after all the trash that had happened.   

Just like when they worked on her, Dr. Black handed over the equipment and he used it, though this time, easy on the instructions.  

Troy bundled her up in a towel, wet her and worked the first round of shampoo in slow, scratching over the residue on her scalp and using the dish sprayer to double rinse.  The whole time he leaned over her, face tight with concentration.  He wouldn’t look her in the eyes and Tyreen couldn’t say she wanted him too, not even when he went for the wet/dry trimmer and neatened up her unintentional undercut.

“You want anymore off?” he asked the window and not her.

“Just get the really messed up part in the back.”

“OK, turn.”

The hum of the trimmer felt kind of nice on her damp skin; that and the way he combed his fingers over her fuzz after, even though the next spritz got her free of snibbles, would have without his intervention.

For the conditioner, he let that set and combed her out, streaking the remains of her bangs down her forehead, then rubbing them away from her eyebrows when they got too close.   

Tyreen sighed up at him.

Since she caught his eyes, he did manage something resembling a smile and his fingers dragged against her for the last round of rinsing.

With him and her both patted dry, she finally got hoisted back to a sitting position, her hair dropping once more down her cheeks before she reached up, scruffing it out and sneezing by some coincidence.

Dr. Black stifled a laugh.

Dr. Black

Dr. Black was a small, fat woman with a crooked jaw and a crooked smile and a penchant for wearing hoop skirts with no panties underneath. 

-Says her full name is Calvin Decker Black

-Has at least one ex-husband and is possibly using his name???

-Probably not a doctor, but close enough

-Good at working with what she has; absolute kludge queen

--Has an affection for out-of-date equipment, but can run almost any test off of her ECHO.  Somehow.  Don’t ask. ---Speaking of which, carries the Twin’s genomes around on hers and has heavily notated them.  Heaven forbid that got into the wrong hands.

---Recognizable ECHO device with a formal Delft print

--Sometimes uses medical equipment for secondary purposes, i.e. pointing with a sound, employing that nice steel vomit tray as a casserole

-Cheerful, enthusiastic, curious, bit of a spazz, insensible to gore.

--It’s possible to get her and Mouthpiece going at the same time.  Mind your eardrums.  

-Loves food.  Pretty good cook.  Rather more fond of food other people have prepared.

-No, she doesn’t eat her patients! Any human flesh stored in her fridge is from other people, you silly.

--Yeah, I can’t in good conscience recommend her ‘famous breakfast scramble’.

-What’s she doing in the CoV? She’s the person who walked Troy through patching up Tyreen after Satellite.  They couldn’t leave her running around after that.  Apparently joined their caravan without complaint and has been riding around with them ever since.  

-Has been known to dress up and give sermons or go out in the field for negotiations.  

--Ugh.  Torture takes so long.  Don’t make her do that.  We could have steak instead.  

-Is mostly still around for Troy mending purposes nowadays.

[jungxk]

just one (v)

notes: the only guy on campus who’s track record trumped that of your best friend’s - park jimin - was jeon jungkook. not that that was a problem…until he set his sights on you.

warnings: smut (nothing too crazy yet just missionary and mentions of cum, protected sex, grinding), bad habits (mentions of drinking, smoking etc)

genre: humour, drama, romance, college!au

wordcount: 6.5k

part i // part ii // part iii // part iv // part v // part vi // part vii // part viii // part ix // part x 

you are not a morning person. never have been, probably never will be. you could probably count on three fingers the people you'd willingly wake up before seven for, and unfortunately jimin happened to be one of them. something was up, he didn't say anything but you could feel it like a spider-sense; jimin was off recently. his replies to your texts too slow, his tone too vague. didn't sigh your name over the phone when you called to talk to him about the dream you just had at stupid o clock. it was such a tiny change but to you it felt like a planetary shift because you know him. in a world of uncertainties, jimin was the only constant, the only thing you could depend on. so you were going to figure out what was wrong.

which is why you let yourself into his place, taking up your designated seat behind the kitchen counter while you wait for him to wake up. you'd barge into his room yourself but prior experience taught you that you should refrain from doing so in case he had any...guests over. so you wait as patiently as a frothy cup of coffee can allow, almost throwing yourself out of the stool in delight when you finally hear taehyung pad down the hallway.

"tae!" you shout the second the boy walks in, making him jump back against the door frame in shock.

"fuck!" he stutters, laying a palm over his chest to ease his pulse. his hair is sticking up cutely in all directions, and from the look of the dried drool on his chin and lack of pants, you can only guess tae came downstairs for a glass of water and a quick piss before heading back to bed. "are you trying to kill me or what?!"

"sorry," you wince, appeasing him by pouring a cup of coffee; extra strong with lots of milk, just how tae likes it. he takes the mug thankfully, downing a few good gulps while you wait with wriggling hips. "sometimes i forget i don't live here anymore."

"you're telling me," he mutters from behind the rim. his eyes are still half closed with sleep, tee all rumpled when he slides a hand under it to scratch his belly. "you know we still keep tampons in the bathroom? the number of times one of my lays has taken it to mean we're something serious, ugh."

"really? that's so sweet!" you pinch his cheeks, totally ignoring the disdain in his voice, but taehyung is too tired to pry your hands away from his face anyway. "but listen, the reason why i barged in at this time is because-"

"jimin's not here," taehyung cuts off between his smushed cheeks. "he left for the gym at like, the ass crack of dawn or something."

you visibly deflate. "since when does he ever go to the gym this early?"

"since now i guess," he shrugs, feeling a wave of sympathy for you when you sigh in disappointment, arms falling limply by your sides. jimin had clearly been avoiding you. the fact that you came all this way just to see him only to be let down again made taehyung want to wrap you up in his arms upon instinct, tucking away the residual anger he had towards his flatmate for later. "hey, don't make that face. last night he said he's staying late at the library today, hopefully you can catch him there?"

"hopefully," you grumble into his chest. you're so tired and tae's t-shirt is so soft, his body so warm you almost drift off while standing up if the whole jimin situation wasn't sounding like an alarm in the back of your head. "i haven't seen him in like, a week tae. that's the same as a century for us! i wonder what's got him so hung up...did one of his dates go badly or something?"

"don't think so," taehyung yawns. "sounded awful busy with some chick last night. if he's upset over a girl he's definitely started moving on already," he says, the look of defeat returning on your face again. "he's just busy," he assures, not even managing to sound like he believes it himself but at this point taehyung would do anything to get rid of those puppy eyes of yours. "you know what it's like at the end of the semester. i bet you'll catch him in the library tonight and everything will be fine."

"yeah, okay," you pout, smushing your head into taehyung's chest.

x

x

x

"was he there?" seulgi calls before you even have both feet through the front door. she gets her answer soon enough when you drag yourself to the sitting room, flopping into the empty space next to her on the couch in defeat. she runs her fingers through your tangled hair with an apologetic pout. "i'm sure he's just busy, babe."

"he went to the gym," you say, voice muffled into the cushions but she can still hear your annoyance. "i woke up at dawn for that prick. if i don't grab him in the library later i'm gonna camp out on his fucking couch, watch me. he can't run forever!"

"i mean this is jimin we're talking about," jisoo calls from the kitchen island, already half way done making hot drinks for the three of you. "boys like him would run to the ends of the earth before facing up to their bullshit."

seulgi shakes her head in disgust while she keeps petting you. "men."

"how have you two never had a fight before anyway?" jisoo asks when she comes over to join you, handing you your drink. you sit up to cup it gratefully, closing your eyes while you inhale the sweetness of the steam. god you were so fucking tired. "you've known each other for like, years. and you're telling me he's never hit you with one of his hissy fits before?"

you think about it for a second. "no, actually. if we ever do disagree we just say it up front like an old married couple with too many kids. remember that time i bought that cute faux-fur parka and jimin told me i looked like a game of thrones character?"

"i mean he wasn't wrong but you don't say that," seulgi says.

jisoo peers upwards thoughtfully. "which one though? if it's ned then fine but sansa's cute-"

"i'm saying jimin doesn't do this," you stress, drawing back the girls' attention. "we don't keep shit from each other. he's usually the one telling me why he's avoiding someone else!" you drum your fingers on the mug nervously. "which means that something is seriously wrong. like, not-only-is-he-avoiding-me-but-he's-avoiding-his-feelings wrong."

seulgi snorts. "when has jimin ever processed his feelings like a normal person? there's a reason why he's fucked his way through campus."

"exactly. whatever it is, i'm sure it has nothing to do with you," jisoo sips her drink. "maybe he got crabs again and he's embarrassed to tell you."

you shoot her a flat look. "are you kidding? did you forget who went to the sex clinic with him?"

jisoo can't help spluttering a laugh. "oh yeah!"

"speaking of crabs," seulgi paws your thigh excitedly. "are you going to jungkook's today?"

in an instant you feel your cheeks heat up but you just shrug casually. "i mean, i have a late class and some time to kill before jimin hunting, so...probably, yeah."

"of course she is," jisoo wiggles her eyebrows so you squirm beside her. "she's been to his place every night this week!"

seulgi claps her hands to her cheeks, her smile so wide it splits her face. "i still can't believe you're fucking jeon jungkook!"

you try to laugh it off but you can't stop the pounding of your heart in your chest. even the mention of jungkook's name has your hands a little clammy, your belly tightening in anticipation. you were waiting for yourself to get tired of seeing him every night, but the opposite was happening - it became the highlight of your day, the reason for the extra glow in your smile. jungkook held up to the rumours; you couldn't help but admit he left little to be desired in the bedroom if anything at all.

"look, you're blushing again!" jisoo squeals, pinching your cheeks.

"of course she is! i would be too if i was jungkook's latest squeeze!"

"latest," you remind them both, but you're unable to force the smile from your face. "definitely not his last."

"like that matters!" jisoo grins back at you. "just enjoy the ride, babe. literally."

"you're awful."

x

x

x

"___ was here this morning," taehyung says when jimin finally arrives home. "she was looking for you."

"oh?" he turns to taehyung, who's got his arms crossed. he doesn't look happy at all, and jimin all but rolls his eyes at him. tae could get so serious sometimes and it was usually for nothing. "i'll call her after class."

"she wants to see you," taehyung says, his tone gentle but firm. jimin doesn't answer. "come on, jimin-ah. it's not fair on ___. you can't avoid her forever."

jimin busies himself with emptying his gym bag, throwing dirty sweatshirts around the room. "i'm not avoiding her."

now taehyung is the one rolling his eyes. "seriously?"

"what?"

"i've seen you trek to that girl's house when you had a raging fever and a report due the next day!" he closes the door behind him when he finally enters jimin's room so he can't ignore him, setting down on the end of his bed that's still covered in clothes. "the only reason i can think of that you wouldn't go to ___ for a problem is if the problem is her."

"stop pussy footing around tae," jimin sighs. "just tell me what you wanna say already, i don't have time for this."

taehyung braces himself a moment, turning his head to the side with his tongue in his cheek. when he finally meets jimin's eyes his gaze is steady. "if avoiding ___ is your way of punishing her for getting with jungkook, you really are an asshole."

jimin's face screws up in disgust. "the fuck? what are you-"

"you haven't seen her since the party," tae leans back, flattening his palms behind him. "aka, since she started seeing jungkook. you really want me to believe that's a coincidence? it's pretty obvious you've got your knickers in a twist over it even if you don't see it yourself. it's how you deal with stuff, jimin: you don't. fucking more girls than usual, working out early, studying late. not giving yourself time to think about what's actually bothering you."

"since when did this become a fucking intervention about my life? full offence, but you're the last one to be pointing fingers, taehyung," jimin retorts, but the boy's stare doesn't relent. jimin huffs in exasperation, going back to sorting his bag. "i'm busy. the semester's almost up, i have shit to do. why are you acting like i haven't seen ___ in a month when its literally been like, a couple days at most-"

"it's been a week! you don't even go this long without talking to your mum!"

"and what's it to you? what's the sudden interest for?" jimin finally bursts, dark eyes alight with frustration. his ashy hair falls into his eyes slightly before he flicks it away again, not liking the what the pressure taehyung was putting on him was doing to his composure. he hated appearing frazzled, taken off guard. jimin was always ready for anything even a conversation that didn't serve a purpose other than offending him a little.

"interest? jimin, you're my friend," he shakes his head. it was the reason why he and jimin usually got on so well but also why communication was an issue sometimes; they were so different from each other. even though taehyung was coming from a place of concern, jimin's gut reaction was to get defensive and that wasn't going to undo itself overnight. "i care about you. i don't like seeing you like this."

"like what?" he narrows his eyes. "what do you mean?"

"the reason why this whole thing bothers you so much. jungkook and ___," taehyung eyes jimin carefully, waits for him to catch on but he doesn't. "it's because he's you. he's just like you. and if she can fall for him and make it work in even the slightest way, it's a slap in the face to all the things you've always been too scared to pursue with her."

jimin scoffs, shaking his head in disbelief. out of all the things he was expecting to come out of taehyung's mouth, he wasn't expecting that. something so absurd, so juvenile. was it really so hard to believe that he could be close to a girl without wanting to fuck her? he doesn't know whether to feel offended or disappointed when he turns to look back at taehyung after a long minute of silence. "first of all, this is jungkook we're talking about. it's not gonna work. give it a couple weeks she's gonna be crying on that pillow behind you in no time," he pauses from turning back to his closet. "oh, and you're fucking delusional."

"am i?" taehyung presses, but jimin has already ended the conversation, his back turned to him while he kicks about more dirty laundry across the carpet. tae licks his lips, irritated. if he wanted to be difficult, two could play. "fine. we'll talk about something else."

jimin huffs. "great."

"you ever gonna tell her about hoseok?"

he freezes. it's like time has stopped for a short moment, taehyung's question bouncing around in his skull like one of those nineties windows screensavers. he doesn't know why the hairs on his arms and the back of his neck stand up, but jimin's face remains poised if only a little alarmed. "how do you even...?"

tae shrugs. "because i know you, jimin. you acted fishy every time ___ mentioned hobi, especially their breakup. i asked hyung, he told me."

upon examining taehyung's disapproving expression, fury bubbles up in his chest again. the fuck was he to go prying in places he shouldn't, trying to dictate what was right and wrong when he wasn't as close to you as jimin was? he can't keep the anger out of his voice or face this time, fists clenched while he grips a vest just give himself something to do. "you ever gonna mind your own business taehyung? like literally, ever?"

"you're being a dick and you know it." it's not sharp or with the intent of riling him up anymore. the statement is quiet. a fact.

it's the exact reason why jimin leaves without another word.

x

x

x

to put it bluntly, jungkook was waiting to get sick of you.

it should be any time now since his flings don't last long, but then he gets a taste of your pussy again, watches you undress for him, rocks his erection through your slickness and instead wonders how he ever lived these twenty-two years without you. jungkook fucks you today like he has been all week; firmly, passionately. you've gotten so used to the banging of his broken headboard drowning your moans out you don't think to quieten them anymore, hands clawing at jungkook's back and ass in an attempt to push him ever deeper.

he groans into your neck at how eagerly you receive him, the way you split your thighs wider and clench around his cock desperately. he never would have thought you the type to love a good pounding - it really was always the quiet ones. there's something about the way you writhe under him, your eyes rolling back into your head with a flutter, mouth hanging open in ecstasy. he could never get enough of you. and it scared him a little.

"jungkook," you beg when he starts to slow down on purpose, your fingers threading into the nape of his neck to tug at his hair painfully. but he doesn't relent. he knows you're about to cum and he just loves to draw it out, loves to make it last as long as possible. it was a little intimidating how well he knew your body already, because if he was fucking you this good within the first week then what the hell was waiting for you in the future? you squirm when jungkook angles himself to drag over your clit, rolling into it with enough force to get you whining but not enough to push you over the edge. "please, just! just let me...jungkook!"

you suddenly feel his teeth flat against your neck: he's laughing at you. it makes your face heat even further even though you didn't think it was possible once he hoisted one of your thighs over his elbow. he starts to thrust harder but keeps his measured pace, shoving you up the bed steadily. you were practically in tears under him when he gives one of your nipples a gentle suck, beautifully contrasting the burning stretch of his cock inside you. god, you wanted to cum so bad. "jungkook, i'm begging you..."

"what's the rush?" he whispers under your ear. you shiver. he lowers your leg down, hands slipping further to now angle your ass so he can drive into you with force but halt all friction against your clit in the process. the sudden off-on stimulation was making you sweat and grow delirious, your face burying into jungkook's neck as he fucks you with renewed vigour. he likes watching your tits shake whenever he speeds up, how your face scrunches more at the wet, slapping sounds of sex getting louder. even when he's balls deep, jungkook is always on the hunt for new ways to fluster you.

"baby," you whisper suddenly, feather light over his bottom lip. you say it so delicately he almost misses it. he watches with hooded eyes and a sweaty brow when you place a gentle, chaste kiss over the mole under his mouth. the action is so overwhelmingly intimate that jungkook's heart practically lurches out from his chest. you're so pretty with your bitten lips and sparkling eyes underneath him that his brain short circuits for a second, causing him to pause mid-thrust before something clicks: he wants you to cum. now.

it's funny how it's the simplest action that gets jungkook to ram you into orgasm. one little peck and suddenly he's wild with the need to bury his cock into the very back of your cunt, feel you pulse around him. for him. and you do; it only takes a couple minutes of rough thrusting for jungkook to have you moaning into his skin helplessly, your body jolting with the force of your release so that you rut up to meet his hips in a frenzy. he revels in it, licking up your neck while he finishes with a grunt and listens to you whine at the never ending aftershocks. you're both gasping and exhausted by the time he finally slows to a stop, head dipping into your shoulder before he collapses into you. the feel of your fingers running through his sweaty hair, cradling him against your body while you lie there together almost makes him forget to pull out, knot up and bin the condom.

it's difficult not to rush back into your arms again once he returns to the bed. he didn't think he'd like being held so much; jungkook has had a lot of sex with a lot of girls but it was never this...comforting. easy.

"so are you ever gonna tell me about this one?" you ask as you crawl into his damp chest. you like to trace over the sweat around his nipples after sex, watch him squirm and whine, but this time you venture upwards to the tattoo across his chest. it rests perfectly in the dip between his collar bones, a line of roman numerals you had been wandering about ever since you caught a peek through his v neck that day. jungkook doesn't reply, too busy catching his breath. you wrap the sheet around your breasts before cinching your brows in concentration. "i know it's a date. it has to be, with the way the numbers are separated. the day you lost your virginity?"

jungkook rolls his eyes. "do i look like a fifteen year old girl?"

you pinch one of his nipples, earning a short squeak from him. "don't insult fifteen year old girls. the day you got crabs for the first time?"

"no."

"chlamydia?"

"no!"

"herpes?"

"what is it with you and associating me with venereal disease?" he huffs, reaching over to drink some water from a bottle beside the bed. still, it's cute the way your lips set into a determined line while you concentrated. you fit in perfectly with his messy little studio, wrapped in his sheets and covered in his lovebites. jungkook isn't usually one for pillow talk simply because he doesn't have a lot to say after he's got his fill, but there's something extremely satisfying about keeping you in his bed if only to indulge in the fact he's the only man who gets to see you like this, naked and soft after sex. it made him feel smug. special. not many men got to enjoy this so enjoy you he would.

you trace around his nipple again while you think, and he shivers at the contact. he can feel your smooth calf rub up his leg absent-mindedly, causing his still-sore dick to stir in the beginnings of new arousal. it didn't help that you held the sheet up under your breasts while you sat beside him, pushing them together as if purely for his viewing pleasure. not that you had any idea, flipping some hair over your shoulder before locking eyes with him again seriously. they're somehow alluring and mischievous and adorable all that the same time when you say, "is it the day you watched the episode of naruto where jiraiya died?"

his suddenly looks visibly upset. "we don't talk about that episode in this house."

you giggle when he turns his head away from you. "are you crying, jungkook?"

"he was his sensei!" he complains, still refusing to look at you even when you wind your arms around his neck with a light laugh. you kiss his jaw softly, placating him enough to show you his scowl before you're kissing that too. his face is still slightly bruised from the fight, so you're careful to pepper over the little nicks. jungkook can't help but relax into you, mouth falling slack and letting you apologise with little pecks. he traces your chin gently with his fingers when he wants more, about to part your mouth and rub his semi into your thigh when-

"is it the day you ate six ramen cups in one sitting?"

he pauses. "actually, you're right i should get that tattooed it was a really proud day for me. they were fire noodles too so you wouldn't believe the ring sting wh-" he cocks his head, a crinkle forming on his nose bridge when he squints in confusion. "wait, how do you even know that?"

"yoongi told me," you grin, pulling away to wiggle your hips playfully against his side, reminding jungkook of his growing erection. "he gave me his number so we can gossip about you."

jungkook takes the opportunity to grab your thigh, using his hips to suddenly roll you underneath him again. you gasp, feeling jungkook part your legs around his body to accommodate his weight on you. the skin of his lower abdomen lines up with your still sensitive wetness, making you yelp at the warm contact all of a sudden. pulling the sheet away from you with a wicked smile, jungkook relishes in your embarrassed gulp when your breasts press flush into his bare chest.

"so you and hyung talk now?" he murmurs, reaching to tease your nipple this time. you crush your teeth into your lower lip, jungkook's attentive stare and grabby hands making your heart beat a mile a minute all over again. his hair is pushed back to reveal his strong brows, the slant of his smirk as boyish as ever, dimples showing. god he was so pretty. "first hobi hyung, then me, now yoongi...you're really working your way through the group, aren't you noona?"

"don't tell me you're jealous, romeo," you huff, but your voice isn't as steady as you'd like. he hums a laugh into your collar bones, your eyes fluttering shut when you feel the wetness of his tongue trace your skin. it's so warm and hypnotic, turning you into a pliant doll underneath him while he sucks more hickeys over your skin. jungkook knew how to shut a girl up, that much was apparent by the whimpers that slipped from your mouth. and it almost worked. "the day you got your first xbox?"

he sighs, dropping his head into your chest before rolling off you in defeat. you clearly pushed all chances of a round three off the table so he just lies back and throws an arm over his eyes lazily. "no. you're never gonna guess it, trust me."

you scoot closer, taking up the challenge. "first camera?"

"no."

"first overwatch win?"

"no."

"the day you got that ugly truck?"

"take that back, she's not ugly!"

"first threesome? first pair of timberlands? first linkin park album?"

jungkook groans. jesus, was he that transparent? he peeks through one eye to quickly scan his messy room, looking for any sign of rock or heavy metal memorabilia because he sure as hell didn't tell anyone about his embarrassing emo phase. sure enough he spots the old posters rolled up and tossed into the bottom of his open wardrobe, the linkin park and evanescence ones sticking out enough for someone observant enough to spot it from across the room. another reminder why jungkook doesn't like bringing girls back to his place. and the downside to hooking up with smart chicks. "alright inspector gadget, that's enough-"

"i've got it!" you shout, clapping your hands excitedly. "i bet it's that time when you first touched a girls tit! weren't you like, fourteen? it was behind the changing rooms at your old dance school, remember?"

jungkook's covers his face in mortification. he was really going to kill yoongi with his bare hands the next time he saw him. "okay look, first of all she was a c cup which was a big deal back then! and second, if i tell you will you promise to stop talking to hyung about my embarrassing back stories?"

"yes!" you lie, eyes lighting up as you bounce cutely. "tell me, tell me!"

jungkook chews the inside of his cheek bloody, cheeks flushing bright pink all the way up to his ears. he looks so cute, so young and vulnerable while he fidgets about and twiddles his thumbs, adam's apple bobbing when he gulps. it didn't help that you were watching him expectantly like a hawk.

"well?" you press, tilting your head to meet his eyes from where he avoids looking at you.

jungkook's cheeks are now practically tomato red, doe eyes meeting yours hesitantly when he mumbles, "it's my mum's birthday."

the warmth that floods your chest is unexpected, and you feel it ripple throughout your body in waves. jungkook rubs the tip of his nose, feigning coolness even though his palms are definitely sweating. especially considering the residual history with your own mother - would it make you sad? angry? was he stupid for telling you the truth and not letting you believe it was one of your ridiculous guesses if only to spare you the short anguish? just when he thinks he could die of embarrassment, wishing that the earth would split and swallow him up whole so he wouldn't have to endure your gawking, you sit yourself on his lap. jungkook looks at you in surprise, hands fidgeting even more around your hips when he watches you smile at him like that. out of nowhere you lean into him, swerving down to press a sweet kiss over the numbers inked across his chest. he all but swoons.

"so," you say finally, voice velvet soft without even a hint of derision despite your next words. "you're a mama's boy."

"shut up," he grumbles, but jungkook can't help but take delight in the way you cup his cheeks and turn him back to kiss you, pulling you closer and letting you grind into his forgotten hard-on. you were already tugging the sheet away from his waist, humming contently at the warmth of his skin under your hands. he must have been a saint in his last life to pull a girl this eager. "hun, wait. lemme prep you, shh-"

"don't care," you gasp, tugging his lower lip between your teeth to make him groan. "want your dick in me."

jungkook can't help but grin arrogantly into the kiss. "so is that your play? the sensitive, small-town-boy thing is what does it for you?" you don't reply because yes is the answer and you both know it, instead opting to lick your way up jungkook's throat while you hastily position the head of his cock against you. "didn't know you were such a textbook romcom protagonist, noona."

"just shut up and fuck me before i-" you freeze instantly when you see the time on flash on your phone on the floor when seulgi's text appears. your eyes nearly pop out of your head, jumping off jungkook's dick faster than he can blink. "shit, i'm late!"

he pouts childishly, neglected cock sitting there while you tug on your underwear and race around the room in search of your clothes. "what happened to wanting my dick in you?"

"later," you pant, bending to look under the bed. "if i don't catch jimin now then that idiot is gonna build a fort in that fucking gym this weekend, i know it," you finally find your shirt thrown into a pile of jungkook's laundry, holding it up to put it on before you gasp at it in shock. "oh my god! jungkook!"

"what?" he yawns, already settling back into the pillows.

you flip the shirt to show him the front of it angrily, the large cum stain streaking its way from one corner to the other. "look what you did earlier! i can't wear this!"

he snorts when you hurl the t shirt at him, holding it up to get a good look at it and trying not to feel too proud of himself. "oh my god, it's all the way up to the collar, look! you ever wonder how fast cum travels, like damn how many miles an hour is this? i'm impressed with myself!"

even you can't help but laugh at his stupid comment. "god, why are boys so dumb..."

"hey!" he squawks when you tug one of his huge white tees, stuffing the ends into your jeans as you shimmy them on hurriedly. "that's mine!"

"and that top was mine before you got your jizz all over it!" you shove your shoes on throwing your phone into your jacket pocket. "we'll trade back after you wash it. that was my favourite black crew neck you know!"

"are you just using that as an excuse to see me again?" he wiggles his eyebrows, scooting to sit on the end of the bed so he can reach over and tug your hips to him while you quickly tie up your hair.

you eye him. "if you don't want me to come back, that's fine."

he pinches your ass. "tomorrow. after lunch."

you smirk. "thought so."

x

x

x

the cocktail of emotions that jimin experiences when he sees you waving at him from the other end of the library is too much for his brain. relief, because he missed you. panic, because why did he feel like he had something to be defensive about? and then distaste because, was that one of jungkook's ratty shirts?

"hey," he smiles when you finally reach him, as if you'd just come back from the bathroom.

"don't hey me!" you shrug your coat off hurriedly, sweating from having to jog all this way. jimin watches you brace your hands on your hips, eyes trained onto him like he's at a police line up or something. "go on. start."

"start what?"

"giving me your bullshit excuses," you sit on the table he's working at, kicking your feet up on a chair while you regard him. you rest your chin in your palm while you wait, waving your hand dismissively. "about how you've busy with finals and the gym and fending off the plethora of girls who are constantly after you. the sooner you finish we can talk about the real problem."

"and what's the real problem then?" jimin challenges, spreading his legs while he leans back in his chair to stare back at you. he cocks his jaw, not exactly in the best of moods after his argument with taehyung. the last thing he was ready for was someone else giving him shit in the same day.

jimin isn't prepared for the way your eyes soften, the way you inch closer to him and twirl your finger over the back of his hand in a peace offering. you weren't like him or taehyung; you didn't yell. didn't raise your voice or spit swears or guilt trip. maybe it was your messy past, your mild mannered personality or simply your ability to read him so easily. you knew exactly how to break down his wall of defence, knew exactly what to do and what to say and how to say it. which is why you let out a short sigh before starting. "i know this is about jungkook."

jimin's tongue pokes in his cheek. firstly because he realised how stupid he and taehyung were for assuming you didn't have shit figured out before they did, and secondly because why did the exact same topic of conversation evoke such a different response when it came from you instead of taehyung? because now all jimin can do is grind his teeth nervously, eyes flicking about the room while he jiggles his legs. there was no hiding from you. "what are you talking about? that's..."

"come on jiminie," you tug at his pinky finger. you always made fun of that one for being the chubbiest. jimin doesn't know why but his heart melts. "you haven't exactly been subtle. you warned me about jungkook and i didn't listen and i get how that must feel for you. for someone who's done as much for me as you have."

jimin shrugs nonchalantly but his chest is tight, throat dry. "it's your life, ___. i'm fine with it, seriously."

this time you're the one to keep quiet for a second. you wish you could transfer your emotions into him so he'd understand the feeling you get whenever you look at him, wish you were articulate enough to describe the way you felt about jimin but you doubted that was even possible. all you can do is gnaw your lip, your pretty face staring at him with the light of a thousand stars in your eyes. jimin could get lost like this, in you. "you know no one could ever replace you, right? hoseok, jungkook, even taehyung...no guy could ever be what you are to me."

you're being a dick and you know it, tae’s words echo in his head, which is what causes jimin’s resolve to finally crack. he could never stay mad at you. maybe if it was some other girl, some other friend of his - but not you. never you.

which is why he gives in and grabs you by the legs, tugging you onto his knees to make you squeak. jimin's crooked front tooth revels itself when he smiles at you, eyes curving into the sweet crescents that you know and love. you'd be lying if you weren't a little giddy at his open affection like this in public, the way he holds the back of your hips so you don't slip off his legs. "that's good to know, because my mum is still convinced we're gonna get married some day. like a harry met sally situation."

you relax against him, glad to have your jimin back. "but we never hated each other!"

"i dunno, i feel pretty strongly about this shirt you're wearing," jimin sneers, picking at it with the end of his fingers in disgust. "what happened? jungkook get ramen juice on your top and gave you this bed sheet instead?"

"i wish it was ramen juice," you hang your head. "you have no idea how much i wish it was ramen juice."

[emily-echolls]

A Breaking Point

Summary: The universe finally makes an attempt to get Emily off her bullshit via an emergency room trip. Words: 3,616 Trigger Warnings: Blood, suicidal thoughts, drug use, Emily’s usual fucked up mind state tbqh

 She’d been walking to her Advanced Psychology class, wondering why she was bothering, wishing the abdomen pain she’d been doing her level best to ignore would just go away, cursing Ethan Anderson to hell and back for not giving her the painkillers she’d been self medicating with. Then-

Dizziness and the ground rushing towards her. The distant implication of pain.

Oh my god-!

Someone call Professor Echolls-

No, 911! Call 911! She’s bleeding everywhere-

Pressure on the side of her face and something hot trickling down her neck. A flash of scattered images. Flashing red and blue lights. Words spoke in a familiar, official tone that made something inside her go cold with remembering-

Adult female collapsed on the scene, unresponsive. Head wound from the fall, possible concussion and- Jesus Christ she’s burning up. Does anyone know who she is? Emily? Emily can you hear me? ...Get the gurney ready.

It was too much like the last time. But she hadn’t done anything wrong.

1, 2, 3- Multiple hands lifting her and setting her gently down again. Holy hell she’s light- what’s she weigh- 90 pounds? Someone lifting the hem of her sweatshirt and letting out a low whistle. -give up the damn ghost. You can see her ribs.

Rocking, hairpin turns, impersonal hands on her wrist, forehead, neck. The cool voices of people who had seen far too many emergencies to show any kind of panic. She could tell they were speaking to her, but she couldn’t focus on their words. She caught snatches of words and phrases; Staunch the bleeding- her blood pressure is dangerously low already- get an IV started immediately-

The same sick, nauseated feeling she'd been having all week, a stinging pain on her temple, and wetness coating her face and neck. She didn't know where she was, but it felt as if her body did. It was screaming in a desperate sort of panic and telling her what it knew of what came next; the pain of having her stomach pumped, her father’s hand clutching hers as he slept, thin sheets on hard mattresses, the silent sobs wracking her pained body as she stared into the wonderfully brilliant sunset outside her hospital room. The horrified realization she was still alive despite how desperately she didn’t want to be.

“No!” Gasping in panic, she threw open her heavy eyelids and wrenched away from the faceless people around her, fighting to sit up despite the hands that pushed her back down. She didn’t need to be here- she hadn’t done it. Her broken down, fucked up brain had been a thorny, twisted mess of self harm urges and impulsive thoughts, but she hadn’t done any of it. The goddamn acrobatics she’d been doing to avoid hurting herself had been more exhausting than anything. She’d spent more time in public  than she had in the past year and a half- she’d gone to Julian Lowell’s frat house in the middle of the night, for Christ’s sake. It wasn’t fucking fair.

“I didn’t do anything!” She snarled, lashing out towards the next EMT that tried to touch her and nearly toppling off the gurney she’d been placed on.

She was kitten weak. She realized it as she fearful blows she attempted to land on the paramedic glanced off all but harmlessly. Whatever was wrong with her, it was sapping every spare bit of strength she had. With a muttered curse as Emily attempted to do some damage with her nails at least, her wrists were seized with little effort in strong glove covered hands and slipped into sheepskin lined restraints. It was if her actions had no effect at all. They didn’t care if the body was willing to be treated or not- they were going to heal it one way or another. Whether she liked it or not, she was going to the hospital, and that meant they were going to call her sister- if no one had already.

Making a noise of wordless despair, she fell back against the gurney, the waiting blackness swallowing her again before she could do anything else.

“I didn’t do anything…”

“This is Emilia Echolls. Admitted two days ago after she collapsed; she required ten sutures to her right temple, done with no issues. No concussion. Medical history revealed she was diagnosed a year ago with Lupus which has thus far gone untreated. Restrained due to violence displayed towards first responders and a history of depression and suicidal tendencies. Blood analysis found multiple unprescribed painkillers along with high doses of her normal antidepressants- we’re pretty sure she was self medicating. Came in with an acute kidney infection that looks as if it’s gone septic. We’ve been administering nutrients intravenously, along with several different medications to keep her fever down. She’s been mostly unconscious since she was brought in two days ago. This is her sister Elisha Macdonald- her emergency contact and power of attorney. We-”

“I didn’t...”

Funny, Emily hadn’t made the conscious decision to speak.

A moment of tense silence, a hand tightening in her own, then Elisha’s weary voice;

“She’s said a few things since I got here but she’s still- I’m sorry doctors, but do you have any idea when she’s going to wake up? I just got back from my honeymoon and I’m wondering if I need to call the rest of our family to come down in case anything happens.”

“We’re just keeping her sedated for now. We weren’t optimistic initially, but she seems to be responding well to this round of antibiotics, and we’ve narrowed down the source of infection. I think she’s got a long road ahead of her as far as recovery goes, and she really has got to start getting treated for her illness, but I don’t think she’s in any sort of immediate danger at this point. If they’re able though, she should be waking up in the next day or so- I’m sure she’d love to see them.”

Elisha’s laugh was a sad, weary thing. “No, she wouldn’t. But thank you.”

.

When she had woken up after her suicide attempt, she’d been in agony- the sun had been setting and she’d been surrounded by her sleeping family. This time she was so drugged she could barely lift her hand, but she was blessedly pain free. Outside her small window was full dark, and it was only Elisha watching her warily as she blinked her way to consciousness. At least the gritty eyes and acute misery were the same.

“Emily?”

Emily glanced at her sister, her mind slowly churning its way to awareness and understanding. As soon as she did, and the neutral walls, beeping monitors, and sterile surroundings pieced itself together in her brain, her breathing hitched. She struggled to recall why she was here, vaguely remembered her fall and the ambulance ride. Panic made her breathing hitch slightly and she looked away.

“Why the fuck am I here?” she croaked without preamble, attempting to lift her hand to rip the nasal cannula out of her nose only to be stopped short by the restraints still on her wrist. “And what the fuck is this shit?”

Elisha reached out, no doubt intending to lay a soothing hand on her somewhere, and Emily cringed as far back into the bed as she could. People didn’t touch her- a byproduct of a fearsome reputation and the alienation of people she loved. She couldn’t remember the last time anyone had done more than brush by her on the street. Laying in a hospital bed having PTSD flashbacks of suicide watch- she didn’t know how she’d react to being touched but was sure it’d be negative. Elisha’s hand fell back against her lap with a soft thump that seemed aggressively loud in the silence that descended on them.

“Get these fucking things off me.”

Elisha’s face hardened and she sat back in her chair, shaking her head and directing her gaze away from Emily. She looked like shit- puffy faced and rumpled. Her blonde hair was pulled up in a messy bun that looked as if it had been slept in, and the bags under her eyes spoke to worrying instead of sleeping.  After a few moments she turned back to her sister with an expression that Emily had long ago learned meant Elisha was absolutely furious. “No.”

“Oh fuck you Lisha,” Emily snarled, tugging futilely against the soft cuffs on her wrists and ankles in something akin to panic. Even that small effort made her head spin and the not quite dissipated pain in her torso flair. “I shouldn’t even be here. I didn’t do anything.”

“Didn’t do-?! Oh!” Elisha stood up, going towards the door to her room and shutting it carefully before marching back over to her sister’s bed. “No Emilia- you didn’t do anything.When you were admitted you were dehydrated and malnourished- so you weren’t eating or drinking enough water, from the bags under your eyes I’d guess you haven’t been sleeping either- you weren’t getting treatment for Lupus. So you’re right. You haven’t done anything. Not one damn thing to take care of yourself- you might not have ‘done anything’ actively, but you’ve been passively killing yourself for an entire goddamn year Emily.”

Sighing in something that was close to defeat, Elisha sat back down in her chair and looked at her, at once searching and fed up. “When were you going to tell us? Or were you ever going to?”

Emily felt as if she were frozen, rooted to her hospital bed. The monitor next her beating in warning as her heart raced. Lupus. It was ice down her spine. Logically she had known what Elisha being there when she woke up had to mean. Still there was no more effective way her sister could have found to shatter her entire world than speaking that word.

Because this was everything she had been avoiding. If Elisha knew everyone knew. If she knew then it was a matter of time before her mother started calling her every week with magazine articles like ‘all natural remedies and diets to help autoimmune diseases’ and ‘five ways to fight depression’, Elizabeth would start looking at her like she had at the festival constantly- like she felt guilty for not understanding her fucked up life. They would forbid her from living on her own, before long the word would get out and there would be the acquaintances she barely knew offering her condolences, what she passed for ‘friends’ treating her like she was made of glass. Dozens of doctor’s appointments, her therapist and the questions Emily had no answers for, and everyone hovering too close while Emily sucked up their time and energy and resented them for their care- because she was fucking broken and couldn’t even love her family right. Exactly like before.

“Emily? Emily calm down, it’s alright.” Elisha’s face swam in front of her face as she leaned over, putting a warm hand on either side of Emily’s face in a would-be soothing way. Emily could remember her doing the same thing when she was little and wordlessly crying over some small childhood drama, her small fingers wiping away her tears. It was kind and familiar and she just couldn’t take that right now. She jerked as far away from her as she could in her limited bindings, a ragged breath tearing it’s way past her lips. The panic that had started when she woke up was starting to take over her rationality.

“Have you told anyone else yet?” She demanded, subconsciously yanking against the restraints again as she tried to make her breathing even out. Every part of her brain was screaming at her to do whatever possible to get away from this conversation- and she was conveniently all but chained to her hospital bed. It was some fucked up kind of fate.

“Not yet.” Elisha said hesitantly, still looking as if she wanted nothing more than to calm her somehow- like her hands were itching to touch her. It was enough to make Emily want to scream. Take these off and get the fuck out. Stop looking at me, stop touching me, stop caring. Finally ive up on me so I can die in peace and not feel so goddamn guilty about it. Please, please, please.

The ragged breath that Emily let out was something closer to a sob. “Then don’t. Please. Just don’t. I don’t want anyone else to know. I’ll do whatever you want Lish, please. I don’t- fuck. I don’t want to live under a goddamn microscope again okay? I didn’t do anything to warrant that- I haven’t done anything to myself. I haven’t been going to my therapy appointments or anything I know but- I’ll start going again. I promise. Just please. I’m literally begging you Lish. Don’t tell anyone else. I can’t do that again Lish, I can’t.”

It wasn’t fair to put on her, and Emily knew it. It was the same kind of selfish shit she’d been pulling her entire life, she just didn’t seem to be able to stop. She was a plague. A goddamn black hole that ruined everything it touched and sucked the life out of everyone who got to close to her bullshit, and no one understood why she pushed them away. She wanted to cling to people just as badly as any other lonely person- but seeing the effect she had on people was worse than dying alone. People hating her for being an asshole was easier to deal with than them resenting her for showing her underbelly and clinging to them.

“Emily…” Elisha’s voice was heartbreakingly tender. It made Emily’s skin crawl. Like she’d flayed herself open and been thanked for her effort. “Emily I can’t do that. You know I can’t do that.”

Emily knew.

That didn’t make it any better.

“Then leave.” she hissed viciously, bunching her hands in the thin bedding that covered her legs.

 Closing her eyes against the stinging threat of tears, she turned away from Elisha as much as she could in the confines of her restraints, ignoring all Elisha’s attempts at conversation until she heard the sound of her sister, crying as she left the room.

Maybe the agony was the same as the first time after all.

Emily’s sleep was abruptly ended by the sound of sensible heels clicking across the room, and the smell of sunflowers and marigolds.

Oh no, no please. I can’t do this. Not after last night. Please.

“Hello, darling.” A slight dip in the bed as a generous frame sat itself by her feet, ignoring the chair waiting at her bedside. The machine that monitored her pulse beeped in warning once again as her heart attempted to pound itself out of her rib cage. She’d thought seeing Elisha was hard, but this? This was so much worse.

“Your sister called me. It’s been a long time. I’ve missed you- I’ve been worried about you.” A hand came out to rest on her knee and Emily jerked away with a bitten off curse, her breath coming out ragged as a gasp.

“Join the fucking club.” She snapped viciously, giving the restraints a hard tug that she’d learned by now was completely useless. She’d attempted to get several different nurses to remove the damn things after Elisha left, but none would. Her sister had convinced them she was a danger to herself.

The morning light was blinding as she opened her eyes, Dr. Dubois’s plump frame and dark hair surrounded by a halo of light that made her look serene and ethereal. It was a stark contrast to the wretched fight or flight reflex that was singing through Emily’s veins. If she could have chewed her own arm off to get out of that room, she would have.

“Oh, I’ve been in that club.” The doctor’s voice was mild, but there was something behind that. Some gentle emotion Emily had no right to. “I’ve been in that club since you were seven years old Emily, one measly year of you avoiding me doesn’t change that. I’ve almost said to hell with confidentiality and called your parents so many times... I- well. When Elisha called me I was happy to hear you were only in the hospital. I’m so sorry to hear about your health, darling.”

Swallowing thickly, Emily looked at the woman who had been until last year one of her sole confidants. She looked different- her hair was shorter, a little grayer, and her eyes were bright with emotion. Without her permission, the tears that she had been biting back and forcing down for the last few months came rushing down her face, undeterrable. “I- I didn’t do it, you know. I didn’t do this to myself.”

The older woman’s face was a gentle as Elisha’s had been as she sighed. “I know darling, I know. But just because you haven’t been self harming doesn’t mean you haven’t been hurting yourself in other ways. You’re a smart woman Emily. I know you know you’re not well right now, you’re just like a cat that hides when it’s hurt and then hisses when someone who wants to help gets too close. It makes things harder on you.”

Dr. Dubois seized a tissue off the end table next to the bed and reached out slowly, giving Emily the option to tell her to stop before dabbing at the tears that Emily couldn’t wipe away, restraind as she was. She was grateful for the help, even if being touched killed her in a way she couldn’t quite explain. “Do you remember what you said to me? The first session we ever had? You said ‘I want to be happy’.”

It was stupid. A stupid innocent, naive thing Emily had said when she was too young and green to know that depression wasn’t the flu- and that taking a pill didn’t make it go away. But she could remember being so small, sitting on a leather couch she had practically grown up on, arms crossed and terrified that this woman and her parents were going to throw her out like a defective toy. She’d gone from fearing that to wishing they had- and she couldn’t remember when she’d started hating herself so goddamn much or if she’d just come out of the womb wishing she’d never taken her first breath.

A small sob broke past Emily’s mouth without her permission, then another, and before long her shoulders were shaking with the force of them. She’d cried plenty since her diagnosis, but she’d never actually grieved. Somehow she’d convinced herself that she’d accepted her fate, but it wasn’t true- she’d just pretended and faked it to herself so it was alright that she wasn’t trying to fight for her own life- so she didn’t have to share it with anyone. Then she’d pushed and shoved everyone away so they hated her, so she didn’t have to feel guilty that she was letting Lupus kill her without a fuss- because there was no one to leave behind. It wasn’t being suicidal if it was just the way things were- or so she’d managed to believe.

“I told you that was the first step, but I was simplifying things. Sometimes it’s hard to even want to be happy, when happiness seems too hard and succumbing to misery so easy.” Dr. Dubois continued. “Sometimes the first step is just admit you need help, and then let people help you.”

Now she was crying harder than she had in months; furious, boiling hot tears spilling down her cheeks faster than Dr. Dubois could wipe them away. Her breath was uneven and her shoulders were shaking with the force of the cries that forced their way past her clenched teeth. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that she’d fought her entire goddamn life just to want to live, it wasn’t fair that she probably would never get to use her degree to help other kids like her, it wasn’t fair she was laying in a hospital bed right now, it wasn’t fair that she was sick, it wasn’t fucking fair she was probably going to die young.

Dr. Dubois scooted up the bed until she could pull her up from her reclined position and let her rest her head against her shoulder, crooning softly as she wrapped her arms around Emily’s bony frame. “There you are, let it out.”

They stayed in that position for some immeasurable amount of time, while Emily cried herself dry and wailed apologies, and half formed explanations of her actions, and cursed the universe that had made her sick in both body and mind but refused to just kill her properly. Dr. Dubois for her part listened quietly, humming soothingly as she rubbed Emily’s back. After a while, she pulled back, stuffy nosed and puffy eyed, and somehow feeling more tired than she’d felt in the entire year of having Lupus.

“I don’t know how much harder things can get before I can’t deal with it anymore.” She sniffed wearily. It was too exhausting now to pretend to be okay.

“I know darling, I know. All we can do is take things one day at a time.”

Over the course of the next few hours, Dr. Dubois called Elisha back in the room, the three of them discussing treatments and medicine changes. Inpatient care was discussed and quickly decided against- so long as Emily and Elisha found somewhere for her to stay that wasn’t by herself and resumed her therapy appointments. (”And this time if you miss more that one a month, I’m calling Elisha and consequences be damned.” Dr. Dubois had warned her grimly.) The therapist spoke with some doctor or another, throwing around words like Lexapro, Zoloft, and Luvox, then left with a quick goodbye and a desire to see her soon.

Emily was left in an awkward silence with Elisha hovering awkwardly near the door. The energy in the room was exhausted, bitter, and more than a little hostile- from both sides. Elisha was still calling her family any minute now. Emily was still furious about it. Between them were words Emily couldn’t take back, Elisha’s misplaced guilt over the state of her little sister’s mind, and permeating everything that coincidental phone call almost six years ago in May that had accidentally saved Emily’s life- the one that neither would apologize for.

After what might have been thirty seconds and might have been fifteen minutes Emily sighed, scooting to the side and patting the mattress next to her. She supposed after a year of hiding away, it was her turn to reach out. “Come here and tell me about your honeymoon. Is Dennis Macdonald just as big of a fucking idiot in Europe as he is in America?”

It wasn’t enough, that was for goddamn sure. The damage Emily had done wasn’t one that could be healed by any number of gestures. Maybe it couldn’t be healed at all. But it was more of an effort than she had made in a year, and for the moment Elisha seemed willing to pretend with her that things might be alright. She perched herself carefully on the edge of Emily’s bed, and Emily extended her hand, letting her seize it between her own. “You leave my sweet husband alone, you. It was amazing.”

For now, it was enough.

[thedegenerateasexual]

spot the reference: anchor edition

i’m doing this for my own pleasure and no one else's but you'll probably enjoy it anyway because man the callouts i give myself in this post you don’t have to read the rabid dog section it got Long

anyway this is just a list of references either to the show or to other stuff that i put in this fic, because i've been in the UT fandom too long not to enjoy hiding stuff in my work. it doesn't even go into the GIANT list i COULD make of all the neat research tidbits or foreshadowing to That Last Part. one thing at a time. if you haven’t read anchor this post spoils the absolute best part so maybe don’t click the readmore!

PART I

"I can do what's necessary," Argent repeats, voice hushed. They pass under an outcropping of rock, throwing them both into shadow. "I can. I will."

this is a throwback to a line chris says in 4.05 IED, when he and derek are down in the hale vault, discussing what to do about kate. [gifs]

"We'll catch up to her," Chris assures him. "My family has been hunting things faster than us for hundreds of years. It's a marathon, not sprint. She uses up this much energy now, she'll be a little slower later."

Somehow, Derek doesn't find that very comforting.

this is something derek says to chris in 2.12 Master Plan, upon being told of their temporary truce. he knows he fucked up [gifs]

"It's rough terrain. We'll have to take it on foot."

"Not exactly." Chris sucks the last bit of salsa off one thumb and stands. He jerks his head over at a dusty-looking red motorcycle parked just a few feet away. "That's ours. Until we catch Kate, anyway. A little rickety—but it's all-terrain."

so this was partially because research told me a lot of people prefer bikes to travel around mexico, but also because three other protagonists i’m fond of use bikes to great effect. did not know this before deciding on the bike, but apparently JR Bourne is also a bike guy. (you’re welcome!)

PART II

Life is so strange. It's Derek's very first bike ride, and he spends most of it half-asleep, snuggled up next to an Argent.

“life is so strange” is my very favoritest line...from a fanfic i like about some dumbass horndog named barnes

Tonight Argent dreams of Kate, sitting on the bed next to him in Allison's old bedroom. "I want to honor the code," she tells him sadly, "but I can't do this myself." She has the knife positioned over her heart, gripping it with white knuckles. "Chris," she pleads. "Help me." The full moon is coming. "I don't want to die alone."

"i can’t do this myself - chris, help me” is something victoria says to chris in 2.09 Party Guessed. [gifs] the rest of it came from, uh, someone else. (:

One night Derek tells Chris about the auto repair shop he and Laura both worked in while they lived in New York and discovers Chris has a love of classic cars.

"Laura, too," Derek says. "I mean, I like cars all right, I picked up some stuff from her, enough to do most of my own repairs, but she was really the car person. She had this...1960s, I don't remember what year, it was Mustang she was restoring, bit by bit. Champagne gold."

Chris lets out a low whistle. "Now that's a machine. What happened to it?"

"Told the owner she could keep it when I left town," Derek says. "It really was more Laura's thing. She was picky, wouldn't drive anything that she could outrun. That was Laura," he sighs, "drove 25 over every speed limit, smoked like a chimney, and always looking for an excuse to pick a fight. She was almost a worse alpha than I was."

"But great taste in cars," Chris says. "I used to have this black 1967 Impala I liked to work with in my spare time. I've always wanted to restore one from scratch, but after I got married and we started moving around, it was too much trouble to lug around the extra vehicle with us—black cars are so hard to keep clean. I had to take up whittling instead."

the 1967 impala is, of course, from supernatural, and it’s all @marcusanthotius​ emily’s fault, as evidenced here, and i’m never taking that post down so she has to live with it forever. the mustang is a car my own dad used to love (and if you’re curious, it was a 66). “black cars are hard to keep clean” is something chris said during the infamous windshield-washing scene in 1.03 Pack Mentality. [gifs - none of that particular line, but this is the scene]

PART III

"It triggers the shift," Chris says, rubbing his neck, "by means of raising your pulse." Derek listens to Chris's again—sure enough, his heart is already pounding. "It taps into the rage, the bloodlust. Makes you rabid. It's a kind of endless loop of feedback—the more your pulse raises, the worse the rage, and the more powerful the rage, the more it raises your pulse. Eventually even a werewolf's heart will just give out. The only reason to use it at all is that most werewolves aren't capable of burning it out of themselves when they're in that state of mind. So it's a sure death for the werewolf—but a sure death for anyone else nearby, first."

Whatever Chris learned about the wolfsbane is wrong. Maybe because no one who's been hit with it has ever survived it; they had to make guesses from the outside. And from the outside, Derek knows he looks furious. But he's spent most of his life wrestling with rage, and this isn't just rage.

It's also terror.

so i’ve talked about this before, but i actually didn’t realize i did this until much later that i accidentally ripped off supernatural AGAIN for this: in 4.06 Yellow Fever, which is a BAD EPISODE, fight me, people get infected with a “ghost sickness” that causes you to feel more and more fear until your heart beats so fast it eventually just gives out.

Argent swallows, hard. "The year of the fire," he says unsteadily, struggling with the math, because he can't quite remember when that was. What year was Derek born? How old is he—in his twenties, right? "Two-thousand—five? Six?"

"Fifteen," Derek replies, very very quietly, "is the number you're after. I was fifteen. The fire happened on my sixteenth birthday."

i did this as a shoutout to jesse turner of @cambionverse, who is a lot like derek in general, and also had a very devastating fire happen on an important birthday of his, in part because he too got tricked by a hunter with a pretty face. (chris isn’t a great guesser, by the way - canon keeps changing the date of the fire + derek’s age when it happened, but in this fic, the fire was in 2004.)

Chris exits the bathroom and leans against the doorframe, watching Derek with his arms folded. "Pourquoi est ce que je devrais apprendre l'espagnol," he asks, looking almost fond, "quand tu est là?"

His French isn't bad, actually—Derek would give him a B+ for the effort.

this is a real thing that happened to me in real life when i was watching 1.12 Code Breaker with @machidielontheway coralie, who is a native french speaker and helped me do the french translations for anchor. when chris spoke the original code in its original french, she had to rewind it to listen again, and ultimately said JR’s accent was all right but not great and gave him "a B+ for the effort." chris was originally supposed to be a native speaker of both english and french for this fic, but that was so funny i just had to change it. (coralie and i have a lot of fun when it comes to french.)

Derek dips a little lower and finds a barely-noticeable scar on Argent's hip, a dark spot that's just a little indented. "Hmm." He strokes a thumb over it thoughtfully, presses it into Argent's skin. His other fingers then naturally come to rest on four identical marks further back on Argent's side. "Something with claws."

the second @cambionverse shoutout of the fic, a much tinier one, this is also a line from the first chapter of cambion: "What happened to [Bobby]?" "Something with claws." Ben stays still for a moment, then lifts a hand to the deep gouges on his shoulder.

"You listen to my heartbeat when I say it, Derek. It wasn't about you. New anchor or not, I know you won't hurt me, and I meant it when I said I wasn't afraid of you. But Riley—" Chris looks away, swallowing hard. "Riley terrified me."

riley was named for sam wilson’s tragically fridged-for-character-angst wingman in captain america 2: the winter soldier. yes, really. his last name, roux (which never appears in the fic), sorta-kinda means red, which sorta-kinda works as a reference to his alpha eye color at the time of his death. “riley” and “rabid” also both have five letters, begin with R, and have the same number of syllables, vowels, and consonants. (this is the first time riley’s name appears in this fic despite him being important from the very first scene; only took 35 thousand words...repression, much?)

PART IV

Riley lets out an earth-shaking roar, and lunges. Chris ducks, and Riley's claws leave deep gouges in the concrete wall behind him where his head was only moments before.

"Riley, listen to me—"

in pacific rim, yancy says a near-identical line to his brother right before he dies: “raleigh listen to me—” (hi, cally!)

There's growling from closeby, and glowing red eyes flash in the dark—Chris rolls. There's a table here where they keep weapons, and—yes, his hands close around a shotgun, he stands and whirls—

"Riley, stop! I don't want to hurt you—don't make me hurt you, please—"

this one is a reference to 3.22 De-Void, when chris says to derek “i don’t want to kill you, derek, don’t make me kill you, please” while he’s under the nogitsune’s spell. [gifs, kinda, they’re part of a set]

Chris isn't as upset anymore—not hyperventilating or flashing back—but his tears seem endless, starting anew every time they seem ready to slow. "I'm sorry," he says several times. "I'm sorry, this isn't me, I don't know what's wrong with me—"

in 1.11 Formality, after kate tells allison about werewolves and the sheriff catches her speeding and crying, “this is not me” is what she repeats to herself very harshly to get it under control. repression is kind of a family trait i guess :(

Derek starts towards the cabin, but Chris catches him by the shoulder. "Hang on," he hisses, "what are you gonna do, just run in there with no plan?"

"She is," Derek says, with as much feeling as possible when you're also trying to be totally silent, "right there." He jabs a finger in the cabin's direction. "I'm going to go and kill her. That's been the plan from the beginning."

"Exactly," Chris says, "she's just there. In that nice big dark house full of who-knows-what. I don't know, don't you think that's a little—"

"Don't say 'too easy'," Derek warns. "People say 'too easy,' bad things happen. Trust me, I'd know." Lightning flashes closeby, briefly illuminating the trees. "None of this has been easy."

"So, what," Chris says, "we just take her by surprise, and that's it? You don't think it's dangerous to underestimate her like that?"

"Two on one—" Derek eyes Chris critically. "—well, one and a half—we can't lose. She thinks we're dead, remember? She'll never see us coming."

"I don't like it," Chris says, folding his arms. "It's too easy."

There's a rustle from the undergrowth nearby.

in 1.12 Code Breaker, scott and derek have this same conversation, reversed, after scott frees him from where he was being held prisoner by kate. (that’s how he knows.) it’s worth noting that as soon as derek agrees scott is right, he gets shot twice by allison, accompanied by kate, and he and scott BOTH get blinded by allison’s flashbulb arrow. in 6.10 Riders On The Storm, scott and stiles have a similar conversation when they find the switch to divert the ghost riders’ train, this time with stiles insisting they let it be easy; they decide to go for it and promptly get their asses handed to them by the nazi alpha werewolf. [gifs] (thank you cathy <3)

"Like I said: the more they kill, the crazier they get. The crazier they get, the more they kill. Even if he means well, he won't be able to stop himself from attacking you eventually; it's just his nature. I know it's a hard time for you right now, but you've gotta be prepared, huh? He's helping you right now, but we hunt those—"

"—who hunt us, yes," Argent finishes, trying to keep his annoyance in check.

"You don't know the things about him I do," she hisses, her breath hot on his ear, "you don't know how cold-hearted he can be. Sooner or later he's gonna see you for the animal you are, just like he's seeing it in me. That's his nature. And I guarantee you, Derek—" His hands grab at her wrist, tugging uselessly. "The next thing he'll slip between those pretty pink lips of yours will be his .45."

this warning is given once to chris and once to derek, and it's a reference to a story deaton tells deucalion in 3.08 Visionary, when warning him that he cannot trust gerard:

When the scorpion asked the frog to carry him across the river, the frog said, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion replied, "Why would I do that? Then we'd both drown!" So the frog agreed. Halfway across the river, the scorpion stung the frog. When the frog asked him why he did it, since now they would both die, the scorpion replied, "It's my nature."

fun fact: this story was also originally the prologue of the fic before i changed it to the first version of the rabid dog story (which wouldn't quite fit anywhere else).

THE RABID DOG STORY

this is technically in part iv, but since it’s too big to quote in its entirety, i’ll just give it its own section, because of course i wound up going on way longer than i meant to (i get excited and explain this to a lot of people, so it's handy to have it typed down in case i wanna explain it again). the story/plot device in general is a sort of "reference" to two things: a 1970s TV show about the korean war called M*A*S*H, and 2.10 Fury.

so the original inspiration for this plot point came from M*A*S*H. the show follows a "mobile army surgical hospital" which is a fancy way of saying it's the medics who treat the wounded. in the finale (spoilers...you've been warned lol), the main character hawkeye has been committed to a mental institution after a nervous breakdown. he tells a story about a party that happened on a bus: how everyone was screaming and yelling and having a great time, how one person "couldn't wait" for the bottle of whiskey. but the more often he tells the story, the more details that change: the person was actually a soldier, and the soldier was actually wounded, because the whole bus was full of wounded (thus the screaming), and the bottle was full of life-saving plasma, not whiskey, and the soldier in question LITERALLY couldn't wait.

hawkeye tells a story about a refugee woman that had a chicken that wouldn't stop clucking, and when they were forced to pull over to hide from the approaching enemy, he told her to make it be quiet so they wouldn't all die. and she did: she smothered it. what he eventually is forced to remember is that it wasn't a chicken, but her baby. (the chicken's feathers are even patterned like a blanket in the flashback!) you can watch a clip of the final version of hawkeye's story here (but be careful, it's a rough one).

the way chris tells his rabid dog story twice in canon, and changes the details once he's around stiles, who knows the truth about werewolves, reminded me a lot of that episode of M*A*S*H. (yes, it COULD be that they're two different stories, but they're so similar! work with me here.) he doesn't bat an eyelash when victoria says gerard shot the dog, yet later insists he but a pullet through his friend's head (after which his friend was still somehow able to crawl towards him...?). it also, of course, changes from a dog to a werewolf. the way he tells one version of the story in each "chapter" of the fic, each time getting a little closer to the truth, was absolutely 100000% inspired by M*A*S*H.

"Riley, stop! I don't want to hurt you—please don't make me hurt you—"

"So you shot him?" Derek asks quietly.

Chris's hands tremble around the shotgun. What if Riley bites him? What if he gets turned too? He has to defend himself, doesn't he? Riley's coming at him again, he has only a second to decide—

"I..." Something dark and terrible shakes loose in Argent's memory. His mouth drops open in horror and his vision blurs. "I didn't!" he cries, eyes wide. "Oh, God—" He drags in a shuddering gasp, covering his mouth with both hands, the truth a vice clenched around his chest. "Oh my God—I didn't shoot him!"

and this realization was definitely influenced by that clip up there. ^ (the idea to rip off M*A*S*H was the only reason this thing got written at all; it was too good a plot twist not to put into real words.)

the WAY chris tells the final version of the story, in part iv, was inspired by 2.10 Fury. sadly i don't have a clip or any gifs handy (i looked...), but the way matt weaves in and out of his story about drowning—the way he begins speaking in present tense, the way he repeats coach lahey's dialogue word-for-word as coach lahey says it in the flashback...

"We—we thought there was a cure," Chris tries to explain, but he's crying and it sounds so foolish and naive to him now. He sounds like a child. "He hasn't hurt anyone, I just thought—"

"You thought?" Gerard roars. "He hasn't hurt anyone? Look at yourself! This is—"

"—why we have a code!" Argent chokes. "This is what it's for!"

Gerard waves his gun at the body on the ground. "Look at him! If he'd honored the code, do you think he would have ended up like this?" Gerard grabs Chris by the chin and forces his head to turn. Chris squeezes his eyes shut, but Gerard backhands him across the face with his other hand. "I said—"

"I said look at him!" Argent drags in a sob.

He's not dead.

"Oh, God," Argent whispers. "He's not dead. Even after all that, he's—"

"—still trying to claw his way towards you, do you see that, Christopher?"

...is what inspired the way i chose to tell it.

AAAAND that’s all, i’m pretty sure i got everything, i’ll end this post on that happy note bc i’ve been working on it for like 3 hours now and that was way longer than i intended for it to be.

[needhelpforrealnow-blog]

Here is her story

Okay i need someones help. I have a friend that ive known for almost 10 years she's like my sister. My Dad knew her father and grandmother for years. she, Her father and grandmother live just down the street from me and my family. She would often be at my house practically living there. She even had a bed in my home to sleep in and she even goes as far as calling my mom her mother. The father was the one with custody and he stuggled to provide but what he did have would often go to beer and drugs. she didnt like her father cause to put it bluntly he was an ass. She's told me stories of when her father had choke her almost to the point of blacking out and how when he would try to hit her, the grandmother would step in with a frying pan and said "if you dont stop this right now, and leave her alone then i will use this" he would step forward and she would hit him with no hesitation. The mother wasnt in the picture because she was an alcoholic and a drug addict as well. The father would let the mother spend time with her. Obiously she didnt act terrible because the mother was only going to spend so much time with her daughter. She would buy her stuff she wanted, take her places she wanted to go[that were often funded by one of her many boyfriends] my friend never met the moster she was. She didnt get the off feeling my mom and i would get but didnt know her enough to put our finger on what it was. But the grandmother knew how she really was and didnt allow halie to enter her custody while she was kicking. the grandmother was her saving grace and mother figure. She would cook for her, clean her room and buy anything she needed...but she passed away over a year ago from a heart attack...thats when hell broke loose the demon labled as a mother decided to take custody. Just a few months after the grandmother's death. The mother took the opose his daughter right after he lost his mother but when the judge asked who she wanted to go with. My friend was depressed and only knew her father as an ass and so chose her mother. This is one of her biggest regrets. She absolutely hates her mother. The mother is verbally abusive and is a danger to the public because she often drives drunk with he kids in the car. She's a great actor though so you can never tell the difference between her being drunk and her sober but guess what she recently has refused to feed my friend only ever buying food for her 2 year old son that my friend constantly has to be watching. the mother claiming "i dont feed people who dont love me" the mother forced my friend to break up with her boyfriend because while in an argument the boyfriend texted. She's called her a shit head an idiot. Even going as far as calling her a whore when she found out my brother was providing her food at school because the mother refused to feed her at home. [no strings attached. my brother has a child of his own and has known halie just as long as i have which is close to a decade] Even going as far as threatening to call the cops on my brother and her ex boyfriend. The boyfriend is a year and a half older than her but she threatens to the cops on him because he will turning 18 in june. [its feb 7 at the time this is writen]I have gone to her house too. This was when she was still going to school with me. it was around 10:30 but we went over so we can get some of her clothes that she refused to bring over earlier. When we got there we called to let her know we were outside and when we entered her brother was crying on the bed while the mother was screaming her head off " you woke up the fucking kids! Why the fuck are you coming at fucking 11 at night! What the fuck is wrong with you! You fucking woke him up!" all while picking up some of her sons toys and throwing them aggressively in a corner while my ftiend was trying to let her know that i was there as well. We came and left pretty quickly with the mother still cussing the whole time and the last thing we hear is "you better fucking get your ass back her by tomorrow!" her brother still crying the whole time. Now my friend loves her brother with all her heart. I would imagine so she watches him the majority of the time. Some People where she lives believe that he is her kid. One man saying "i have a boy around the same age as your son" that is how often she watches him almost every single day.  To the point where her son would rather be carried by her than his own mother. Here's another story but this one invovles her son on second thought i share two She was outside with a buddy of hers drinking while her at the time 1 yearold son was inside sick with a fever. My friend wasnt home at the time cause she was at my house Spending the night. She gets a call that her little brother had gotten a seizure because of how high his temperature was! Apparently she didmt know you were suppose to give the medicine every so many hours and pretty much left him and she knew he was haveing a seizure because her buddy saw him through the window! He's fine now so dont worry infact he use to walk on his tippy toes before his seizure and now walks normally! Heres another story with this boy. One time when my friend was taking a shower her mother was passed out on the couch with the sliding door slightly opened. And her 1 year old playing on the floor. He went to the door pushed it even more open and was wondering outside in the rain heading towards the street. My friend had gotten out of the shower not to long after and couldn't find her brother she noticed the door open and look outside to see him heading towards the street with a couple of neighbors try to get him to come to them and away from the street. Sadly but unsurprisingly he doesnt like other people very much often sticking towards his mother but mostly towards my friend. When she saw him she called out to him and he finally came back to their house.And hell as a short bonus: the mother has even driven with her youngest child in the front seat of the car!Now this story is one that happened very recently like feb 5 recently. And to let you know as to why my friend doesnt call the police herself its because My friends phone is not connected so the only way she can talk anyone is through wifi And a app called kik or messager on facebook. Now the app only allows texting and her mother refuses to connect her phone. So even if she wanted to she would beable to call for help and so on sundayI was at home asleep when i felt my phone buzzing like crazy! I look at my phone and i was horrified at what i had been reading. My friend had texted me saying for me to call her dad or to call the cops because her mother threaten to beat her and grabbed her roughly and locked her outside the house and that she had been drinking she was scared to try and call someone else because she would grab her again. Now my friend doesnt like cops and neither do i but to read from her asking for them it made my heart drop to my stomach and i immidietly jumped out of bed and called guyfriend [who had been getting close with halie as well] that i needed a ride right than and there to her house. he lived near by so it was only 2 mins for him to get to my house. I jumped in the car and texting her that i was on the way with our friend. As we were going i called her father and told him what his daughter had texted me. He claimed that his car wasnt working like it always isnt and that he had a friend over but he didnt have gas and when he hung up my friend had texted me saying for me to tell her dad not to believe her mother. The father called back i told my guyfriend to circle around to his house since we hadent left the street yet and when i picked the phone up he said for me NOT to pick her up. My guyfriend had just parked in front of his house. i was confused, he told me that she was just angry over an argument over a boy and to not pick her up. I was furious at what i was hearing and told him that she was obviously distress and that her mother threaten to beat her and he then yelled at me telling me that he heard her 'in the house' and that he's not going to stress over it. I motion for my friend to leave And then he practically shouted in my phone "DONT PICK HER UP!" I wasnt going to argue anymore and all i saw was red. And that last remark so i hung up. I called my mom to let her know i was had to go only to be told she wasnt home to begin with. I told her the situation and my mom calmly told me that she was going to head home and speak with the father befor hanging up. And told mu friend to head to her house. I kept in contact with my friend to make sure she was alright. And the text from that point on went like this:Tell my dad [1:41 pm] Not to listen to her About me and marco She's drunk She wants to make him hate me and him Are you coming or not i couldnt here what my dad said He told me not to pick you up Why not I cant stay here Please convince him Ill walk over there then. Im picking you up. Im not going to try and Convince him Of shit. Is he mad i cant use the fucking phone anne I know and im coming I cant fucking call him cause she's going to get me againYour coming where? To your house I called my mom she sounded calm but said she was going to his house in a bit Are you okay? No im not okay Where r u ? At my moms She left I need to take care of my brother. I know that She left him here Fuck It's whatever My dad doesn't want me over there So it doesn't matter anyways Well we do halie You can't pick me up I can't stay over there I don't even have any clothes I don't know what I'm going to do We're still coming She came back ): Idk if she'll let me What is she doing You want me to call the cops cause i can Just come and if she doesn't let me we'll call the cops We are here [ 2:05 pm]When we got there i was so nervous and angry i couldnt even think straight. And told my friend to start it off i handed him my phone so he can do a voiceHe nocked on the door and mand when she said hello my friend tried to get out out of the house and the mother said"what are you doing? What are you doing?!" "Ima leave"  "your not leaving anywhere get your ass inside. She aint going nowhere. get inside" "my dad said i could leave""YOUR DAD did not send nobody get inside NOW! Get inside now before I FUCKING CALL THE COPS and your ass is going to fucking juvenile" "why?" " YOUR DAD did not call them" "yes he did" "YOUR DAD JUST CALLED me right now. Get your ass inside your dad did not call them your dad said he didnt even have a fucking car to take your ass to school" "you said i cant! I can go." "BECAUSE I HAVE EVRY FUCKING ATHORITY OVER YOU....EVERY AUTHORITY OVER YOU.YOU HAVE NO REASON TO EVEN BE WITH YOUR FATHER BECAUSE HE'S NOT EVEN CAPABLE OF TAKING CARE OF YOU! HE HAS NO FOOD HE'S A DRUG ADDICT AND HE DRINKS! AND YOU WANNA FUCKING LEAVE" "yea" " YEA, I dont care what you want" "okay" "i dont care" durning that argument she called her father "SO YOU SENT ANNE AND another friend of hers to come and pick her up?.....FOR what! Why didnt you tell me that. Why did you tell me that she was going to stay here. So whose going to take her to school? IF YOU dont have a car than whose going to take her to school.......exactly, exactly" "anne can take me" "NO! She is not your responsibility" "she can take me!" "i dont care" "of course you dont" "your staying here. I dont care, your staying here"" no im not" "yes you are""no im not""yes you are...bye chuck" "no im not" "your staying here" "why""because i said so" "why""because I said so because you are not the adult i am and next time you listen to me" "THEN NEXT TIME DONT LOCK ME OUT""WHEN THE FUCK DID I LOCK YOU OUT, YOU LIEING LITTLE SHIT HEAD. MY SON WAS OUT THERE WITH YOU! DID I LOCK YOU OUT" "yEs!" "I JUST STOOD RIGHT THERE INFRONT OF THAT DOOR""not really""cause i asked you to take care of him""YOU LOCKED ME OUT"" OH BUT YOUR WILLING TO GO A MEET FUCKING OTHER RANDOM GUYS LIKE A LITTLE WHORE""i knew you veiwed me as a whore" "GET THE FUCK INSIDE you guys got to gWe waited outside and two cop cares showed up one came to us he was around is early 20's and the other was older mabey 40's but i didnt get a good look cause he just waked pass us to the door. We told the cop how we were worried for our friend and i showed him the text on my phone and told him i had a recording. He told us to wait there and went inside as well when he came back out and told us that my friend and her mother just got in a argument over a boy and said that even though it was in good intentions i should stop the door again. I asked so what was going to happen and he said nothing that tshe's not drunk she's doesnt show signs of abuse so there's nothing to be done and that we're only getting my friends side of the story not the mothers. It was at that point i started to cry. I had failed my friend and quit honestly. Just wanted to scream i looked and my friend to see what we can do and noticed him crying as well. I tried to stop myself from crying thank the officer. He ask which car was ours and when we told him, he took down the rest of our information and wish us a safe trip and went on our way. I have never felt so mentally and emotionlly exhausted. I quit hoestly felt like screaming and crahing the car. The cops took the mothers side they didnt even bother testing her and we didnt even talk to the other cop but the cop talking to us talked to both the mother and us and if was obvious which side they took. I told my friend to take me home and when i got there i just started bawling i wanted that lady gone. I wanted the grandmother back. I just wanted it to be over. I hated i couldnt help my friend when she needed me the most. I texted my friend and she told me that she was sorry and that the mother is lying to the cop and that she was going to literally kill herself ...i told her not to and while i dont believe she would im slowly doubting that belief. This is the guy friend- I made this account cause if you read it all than you can see why we need help. We are backed against a corner and we need help, so if any of you can give us the help than please

[survivor-kalymnos]

Ep. 1 - “I am THE Survivor Chick And I Am Here To Win It All!!” - Susan

Franco

hehe

Maxyne

I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!!!! I don't know why I am, it's just another Survivor game but... I have be someone else kind of. So for this game I have to be "Maxyne" and I'm keeping my pronoun flexibility but I'm gonna be pushing the feminine side a bit more. Maxyne is actually my irl sister's middle name so it'll be easy for me to quickly become familiar with that name being used for me. I also know that Tim is gonna be in this game but idk who and I sure as hell don't wanna find out. Tim actually told me to apply cause they said that they were applying to but my dumbass did NOT know this was an alias game so now I'm fumbling around in the dark trying get into costume n shit not knowing what to do or what to expect. The only thing I have to cling onto my knowledge of Survivor ORGs and Jay's style of hosting. Which honestly don't do me well cause I haven't played Survivor in... months and I haven't been tuned into a Jay game in months too so I have no idea the ride I'm in for. One thing I did do is scroll through the rules, cause my experience always tells me that whenever there's a tumblr blog for an ORG, there's always something hidden somewhere there. Lo and behold, I was right so come 9 PM tonight I will be camping on the rules page updating and waiting for a clue, or someway to start my search. Cause every Survivor game i've played, the idol is found in less then 5 minutes and by the way I've formulated a thought about the idol, it's already long gone. So hopefully, I can pull a Merida and change my fate. Also there was a mention of One World rounds happening in this game??? UMMMM WTF??? PLEASE LET THAT BE A ONE TIME THING. Anyways, sorry for the word vomit, I usually have a lot of pre game jitters and thoughts so I figured I'd get a jump on my confessional count and start talking now. Let's hope I can pull through for this game and make it far. Or vote me out first, i'd rather not have responsibilities right now. 

Rain

I’m looking forward to this. I’m looking forward to people not remembering who I am. I’ve been out of this a year now, I’m well and ready to get first boot, but I’m curious to see how a better, matured me will play. Probably badly, let’s be fuckin real. Anyway I’ll check back in toward the middle of this round. We’ll see how all my sockpuppet counterparts compare against my impossible standards.

Maxyne

5 minutes before the game starts and mama we. Are. SCARED.

Elle

This time around I am going to go for a peppy, happy-go-lucky girl. Not all of my tribe mates are online atm which majorly sucks! Plus, not everyone has me added. I am going to wait till people add me before I add them. I'll give it the night into the morning for that to happen. Otherwise, I'll slowly add them one-by-one. I want to do the slide puzzles because I know I am good at them. I'm going for a more hands-off approach when it comes to socializing so I need all the time I can get to set myself up in the tribe. If we can win the challenge then it'll be a great opportunity to really bond with my tribe mates. 

Maxyne, Fae, and Erick seem to be the most active atm with Fae being the most social. I'll observe how far that socializing and activity goes on. It can either work to my benefit or I need to get rid of the ASAP.

Frank

Wanna start by saying that having a round button in this form is the smartest thing I’ve ever seen. Now onto my confessional: this tribe is alright, some people haven’t spoken yet I think and people seem nice and cooperative thus far. I’m so nosy so not knowing who everyone is is going to be a struggle for me. But I’m guessing Maynor is Gregg on the other tribe bc of the Sophie icon, but watch me be wrong. I’ll try to keep confessionals interesting, but then again I lie sometimes so womp. 

Worm

So I am an hour into my first alias game and I’m already stressing the fuck out. I am so used to being able to go on call with people and get to know them. I wanna say one of my greatest strength is getting solid reads on people when I talk to them but that is only when I can go on call with them. This whole thing is gonna be a struggle

Fae

well we are an hour into this game and I have already fucked up my story. Guess I'm moving home now because I didn't think anything through. dear god. Why am I like this? guess moving my grandmother is going to turn into Me moving home lol. welp, lets see how this goes. 

Maxyne

*googles How to stop oversharing*

Michele

Franco is a king we stan. Also I’m still laughing at worms name

Rain

Michele: Chosen one, will betray at f5

Susan: OTTN5 

Worm: oh, worm? 

Gregg: Dylan in disguise, watch me betray him again 

Uhhh I’ll be back with the rest eventually first night is horrid

Idol hunt: OTTNNNNNNN10

Dusty

So far im feeling good on my tribe! I'm getting along really well with Erick! We have a lot in common and match each others energy. I'm also talking well with Fae, who says they think we've played a game together!! So I'm trying to figure out who it might be! I'm a little worried about the people who haven't spoken yet, but hopefully I'll be able to get to know them!

Elle

I think I'm connecting well with Maxyne. Since we are both doing the same assignment, it allows for me to grow closer with them. I think I might make them my ride-or-die, but I want to see how well our connection lasts in the days to come. Van and I are making great conversation in the tribe chat. I hope they will want to work with me. Other than that, I have not chatted with anyone else on the tribe. The people who have contacted me I talk to sporadically. I hope this is enough to get me by as I do not want to be seen as a social threat later down the line. Also, like, why did so many people get a disadvantage? I am so disappointed in all of them, but I know we can pull through!

lenny

off to an interesting start! so far, I am enjoying my tribe. definitely more chill than my last one but only time will tell. people's true motives will come out soon and this time, I am trying to really pay attention to who is a leader and who is a follower.

Franco

Nera tribe has such good positive energies? There hasn't been any friction, everyone is joking with each other, and overall everyone is having a great time!! Very honestly though I'm not sure what to make of everyone in a game and strategic sense. I've tried talking game with the majority of the tribe but most of it was still just like small talk and vague sentences. Im tryna play this fast and hard but I don't think anyone else is ):   I vibe really well with Michele, Eliza, and Rain. Michele and Rain are so fun and probably down to get messy, so they'd be great allies. And eliza just seems like a genuinely good person that I think I would get along with really nicely!! I also REALLY want this reward challenge. Ive gotten three people at least who said that they would vote for me so!! Let's hope I win, at the very least itd be nice to prove to myself that I can have a good social game early on

Franco

On my very FIRST idol hunt of the SEASON I find?? A legacy advantage??? Im so??? Shook and excited. I just have a feeling that this is my game! Night 1 kinda sets the tone of the whole game and I had an AMAZING night 1. I also uhhh am dumb and told Michele that i found it. My goal was to gain her trust so we could work together but? She kinda just didn't respond and changed the topic. Idk if that's a good sign so yikes!!

Elle

Honestly, I should resign myself to the fate that we will not win the next challenge. So, it is imperative that we win this challenge so that we do not go to tribal two times in a row. I hope my score of 85 is enough because I could not get it any higher than that. I am honestly very frustrated with my tribe at the moment, but I guess we shall see how things develop. Maxyne and Erick getting the advantage is interesting only because it shows who has been the most social. I will either need to get in good with the both of them or take them out early. However, the most active and social people usually do not go home first. For now, I will just keep my eye on the two of them and see how they position themselves. 

Elle

Erick giving the tribe the clue was definitely a strategic move. He wants to build trust and be transparent with everyone in order for them to like him. I see right through it. However, it is nice to get an edge on the hunt. 

Fae

I FOUND THE IDOL!!!! Erick decided to share the clue and I FOUND IT!!!! 

Eliza

dear m’fucking diary...

Hey gays, this is a crack fest. I’m doing this confession rn so that I don’t have to do that fever dream of a puzzle. I got a bat to the face when I did the idol hunt, funnnnn. So, let’s recap! I’ve been connecting with a lot of people so far and that’s great, I love my tribe rn and I’m happy that Franco won the reward considering that I voted for them, so now I can at least get on Franco’s good side an maybe get some info👀. Because this is alias I probably will be playing a tad bit differently but I’m still going to be the social playing badass that y’all know and love! The worst part of this so far is that I can’t fucking say y’all, who the hell says y o u g u y s. I’m changing how I speak just a bit so that I don’t immediately get clocked, so basically I can’t use y’all and lmao in every sentence. The people I feel closest to right now are Franco, Michelle, tristin, rain, and worm. In that order, don’t get me wrong, I love everyone in the tribe, those are just the people I’ve been able to connect with the most. I’d love to move forward with that group but if that doesn’t happen well then whatever, I mean I talk to literally everyone so I’ll survive. Pretending to be interested romantically in men (sorry James Zachary) is horrible, but I think people are at least believing that I’m 20. Jay told me that all I have to do to be an adult is be excited about stupid boring shit, so I’m just gonna pretend that I’m happy about buying a new couch. Well I’ll check back in soon to update y’all about people and probably give an analysis about everyone.  That’s it, much loveeeee

Fae

I just want to say how ironic it is that I decided to do the idol hunt in the challenge and in reality actually found an idol 

Gregg

Well. Im already overwhelmed and literally wanted out. (Jay knows why) But im doing counting challenge and i hope another f4 counting challenge doesnt affect my perfermance for this one. I really want to help the tribe win. Honestly im not gunna bother trying to figure out who is who. Im just gunna play and think the people are the people and play normally. Trying to guess ppl is what gunna mess me up. So wont bother with it but some phrase some ppl have said. I feel like i know who they r.

Franco

I WON FIRST REWARD AHHH. I'm such a social legend? Look at me? I'm literally winning this game. I kinda don't care about the clue because I already have a legacy advantage, AND half of a super idol (that I gotta give to somebody else, booooo), so I'm kinda??? Being chaotic and giving the clue to everyone who voted for me. It can give me an opportunity to gain more trust on the tribe

Tristin

https://youtu.be/Wyi5uWAulnE

Maxyne

I know this is late and it's long but i fell asleep last night while this was uploading, so sorry https://youtu.be/mXmbL49orVI

Elle

Now that I have gotten to talk to everyone I can finally assess my tribe. I feel like I can be great allies with Maxyne. They voted for me in the reward which means we have a mutual good vibe from each other. Hopefully I can make them my ride-or-die. Fae and Van are really nice and I can get down with them. I think if I could choose a strong alliance of three I would pick them while having Maxyne as my real ride-or-die. Sasha seems to be the least social with me which means that they could be an easy target. I don't trust Erick or Cran because they just give me bad vibes. I do not think anything of Frank. They are probably with Sasha as one of the least social in the tribe. At least Sasha is being active within the tribe chat. Finally, I think Dusty is a sweetheart and could possibly be another one of my allies. At the very least, I know I was strong in the challenge and have at least been moderately social. This means I will not be the first boot if we were to go to tribal. 

Dusty

So now we've got an alliance in the works between me, Fae, Erick, and Elle. All in the name of working together to find the idol. I feel good about the group! Me and Erick are both each others closest ally. He won the reward challenge and in doing so he was able to will be half of a super idol! We don't know where the other half might be, but I'm really happy to see that Erick trusted me enough to will me a super idol!

van

So uh...I haven’t been super active because the world is burning around us. But I’m trying. So far I really enjoy the people I’m playing with!

Elle

Dusty asking me to work with Fae and Erick on finding the idol which works out well for me. This means I have already positioned myself into a sort of alliance which I hope will carry me in the future. 

Elle

Fae confirmed with me the alliance that Dusty approached me with. However, there was no chat made. Also, Cranjes was added to the alliance by Erick and Fae which tells me that those those two are very social with him. These people are making their connections to obvious. Either way, with those people I have a 5-person majority. Hopefully these people will carry me through the pre-swap phase of the game, but I am getting pretty nervous in my seat. I do not trust Erick and Cranjes. I like Dusty and Fae, but I cannot get a read on the other two. Plus, if no chat has been made, how are we going to solidify the alliance? Hopefully my performance in the challenge will cover me for now, but I am getting pretty nervous at the moment.

Michele

elfranchele just started! it's an alliance chat with michele, franco, and eliza. excited to see where this goes!!

I can't tell if Susan is just super into her alias or if she really is old with her hubs

Cranjes

everyone seems nice. i guess. idk. i fell off a waterfall and fucked up my ankle for a fucking idol. but if anyone asks, it was sasha. 

i have something against the name sasha bc peppermint should’ve won season 9 of drag race, not sasha velour

Fae

Soooo, there is now a chat for people to hell each other look for the idol. The idol I have...

Frank

YESSSSSSS!!! I’m not gonna be first boot. It’s a party even though I didn’t win my section. Eliza didn’t do their part on the other tribe and that’s a yikes (at least with a 2 hour time exactly that’s what I’m assuming). So like they’re probably going. I’m really happy I don’t have to worry about tribal tomorrow because my sister wants to drink and celebrate her birthday since plans went sour because of that quarantine life. But gamewise though, I want to talk to Erick tomorrow since they seem like someone I could work with, although based on reward I think multiple people think that. Gonna remember that. Gotta be social....but I’m me so it’ll be an uphill battle.

Rain

So, we lost immunity. 

I could have seen that coming - but at least we weren’t totally destroyed. I’m already thinking Susan as a name but uhhh we’ll see where it goes. I’m pretty good with Franco, Michele and Eliza. I wouldn’t be shook if there was an alliance chat made at some point. I like Tristan too! And Gregg. And Lenny. ....okay I like everyone but Susan. Susan I’m sorry I respect your character choice but it ain’t it, chief. 

Gregg

I feel like i might be good for this tribal. Only one name has been said which kinda worries me but im trying to stay positive. Susan is the target tonight and as long as it isnt me. Im okay with voting for whoever. Franco did share the clue with me. It was a simple clue so idk if itll be helpful or not. Im looking at a certain spot and doing all the 4 spots in the section. So hopefully i can find something.

erick

hi i have the eco fascist dream flu and i cannot move but cranjes is john and fae is birch confirmed, i fucked up the challenge but not to the extent that we lost so that’s nice. current alliance going with fae, elle, and dusty (dusty’s my fave). they elected to give me the idol clue and i got half of the super idol so i gave that to dusty as was required and then shared the clue with the group at large because i’m a communist

Worm

So we lost the first immunity challenge. It sucks but I'll get over it. The thing that worries me now is trying to get a read on everyone during the vote. Because I don't know who I'm playing with I'm struggling on getting a read on anyone. On the bright side though I think I'm doing pretty well socially. I've talked to Michele and Tristin and they seem to trust me so I'm happy about that. Also it seems like the tribe has come to a unanimous vote to getting rid of Susan. I feel bad about getting her out but she is firmly holding on to her character which I think is making it difficult for her to make connections with other people in the tribe. The only that has me worried about this whole thing is how easy this vote is going. My anxious head just wonders about how people behind the scenes could be plotting to get me out and I just don't know it. This also isn't helped by the reward challenge and Franco receiving 5 votes to get the clue. A couple votes wouldn't have made me suspicious but 5 just seems like a lot. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but all my anxiety is saying is that there is a majority alliance already formed in the first couple hours of the game and now I'm just playing from the bottom. Hopefully that isn't true but only time will tell.

Susan Burke

I Am SO SO Excited To Be Here!! I am THE Survivor Chick And I Am Here To Win It All!! Everyone So Far Has Been So Kind. I Love These Kids!! However, I Know My Age Will Make Me A Target. They Don't Believe This Ol' Hiney Can Keep Up With Them!! So, I Wanted To Make It Clear That I Am LOYAL To This Tribe And Its People!! When I Was Out Looking For The Idol, I Stumbled Upon The Other Tribe's Camp!! How AWKWARD!! I Decided To Tell Franco - He's Popular, And The First One To Really See SUSAN For SUSAN. Hopefully I Can Buy His Trust, Because He Can Keep This Nanna Safe!! It's Really Unfortunate We Lost...But It Was So Close!! We Won't Lose Again!! I Was Instantly Worried It Would Be Me, But Doing The Challenge With Tristin Bonded Us!! Together, We Decided That Gregg Would Be Our Target, And Now We Gotta Get Everyone ONBOARD!! #TeamSDB

Franco

Im very very sad we have to go to tribal. Like i genuinely enjoy everyone on the tribe!! But it's the way the game goes, every time someone leaves it gets me one place closer to winning hehe. I now have an official alliance with Michele and Eliza and??? We are going to SLAY this game. We all have our individual strengths and I think we could be a powerhouse. Unless Susan has an idol, shes going tonight. Its sad because shes so fun but im not surprised. Everyone else on the tribe seems to have some sort of personal stake or investment in the game besides her. 

Elle

Having immunity means that I can safely bond with my tribemates without the game hovering over our heads. I'm really vibing with everyone in the tribe chat. However, I do not want to go into PMs unless they want to talk to me because it is such a Raffy thing to do to talk to people in PMs. I will try to be as social as possible in the tribe chat to still have those bonds, but I do not want to be seen as some sort of social butterfly.

Tristin

So we LOST the challenge and that sucks!! It appears that the majority of people want to vote out SUSAN and I hate it!! She’s super sweet and the older players always get voted out first! Maybe because she hasn’t been as social as everyone else! At least thats the explanation. I pretty much solidified working with Worm, Franco, and Eliza pretty much. Michele as well I think! But separately of course! I can’t wait for an alliance chat! Sorry to this Susan!!

Sasha

It's strange to be playing in a game where I know there's people playing that I already know but I have no idea who they are. I've talked a little bit to each but not a ton. I don't have too many guesses as to who is who, though. That's it.

[midnight-watch-committee]

Story 4:lost

The Louenburg residence 3:14 am February, 14th,2019

The early mornings were always oddly refreshing. I’d flip over to a kid’s tv channel and get to catch some classic cartoons. My top 3 were probably Spiderman, Silver Surfer, and Looney toons. It was always nice to see those and escape the reality of school or “work.” Is this even a job? I honestly never know but it feels like slavery to some magical book. Every single time it opens I feel like an R rated Scooby Doo, getting the gang together to fuck the town up more. Would I be more of a Velma? I got up from the couch and went over to my laptop bag near the wall. It had been a while since Terror Eater, so everyone had started to calm down. It’s not like I INTENDED to disappear for a week, just saw some tree and was like “Oh fuck yeah.” Now that I think about it, that’s kinda sad. Just throw some trees my way and I do whatever you want. God, I love plants. I sat down with my laptop and opened it up, watching Spiderman and taking a which scooby doo character are you quiz because I’m very mature, shut up, when I spotted something out of the corner of my eye. A blinking red light out in the yard. That couldn’t have been right. I got up to get a closer look, pretending to be looking for my laptop charger. It was... a camera. WHAT THE FUCK! I almost screamed, but somehow managed to keep a level head. Was someone watching me? Who? FBI? I didn’t know what to do. I just grabbed my shit and called Mickey, knowing he’d still be up. He was, sure as day. “Hey, it’s a bad time but what’s up?” He said, he probably started his sentence before even answering. Sure enough, he was the team nurse. Took a first aid class during the summer after I broke my arm. “Hey, someone’s outside watching me, can you come get me?” I said. I heard him shoot up half way through the sentence, “What do you mean someone’s watching you?” He blurted out, he was pretty loud, probably so he didn’t have to explain to Mara where he was going. “As in someone’s sitting outside recording me!” I whisper-screamed at him. “Hey, I gotta-” He started, followed by Mara telling him to “Go, it’s an emergency, get moving!” I would’ve laughed in any other situation, but... I was honestly more afraid this person would figure out I saw them. Did they already know? If they did and brought a weapon, I don’t doubt they’d attack Mickey. “Hurry!” I whispered and hung up. I just had to play cool until he got here. Ok, I can do this. By the time my eyes weren’t breaking away from the light I realized how fucked I was. I can’t even talk to a new person without freaking out, much less let them sit in the bushes and record me for their wank collection. DING! I snatched up my phone. “I’m here, let’s go,” Don’t have to tell me twice, I shot for my bag, grabbed it, and ran! Not gonna wait for that guy to get his rocks off to scram! I hopped in the passenger seat and slammed the door. I opened his glove box and grabbed his revolver. “Hey, that’s not a toy!” he yelled. I put it back, sighing. So much for castle doctrine.

The Vallen residence 7:00 am, February 14th, 2019.

You might be wondering why I decided to get up so early. I did too, I had no self-confidence, none at all, in fact I had negative self-confidence. These are things you already probably knew. Unless trees, Beth, or adventure was involved, I’d constantly doubt myself. My Facebook time line reminded me what day it was with a picture I never wanted to see again. Me, in a sparkly red dress, and there, with their arm around me was my former lover Alex. Alex was nonbinary and a real tough lookin folk. Their wardrobe was probably the costume design for The Terminator. The dark hair and biker jacket used to turn me on... now it just hurts. They went missing a while back, no one said anything. That was about three years ago, and every year since Mickey gave me something on Valentine’s Day, the cards always calling me his dearest friend. It was nice but it didn’t change much. They were still gone. Fuck it, this time I’m finally not gonna be sad! I opened the closet and grabbed the same red dress from the photo and threw it on quickly. I ran to the bathroom and flung open the makeup drawer. Digging through it I realized how old most of the stuff was. I grabbed what little wasn’t empty or expired and threw it on. Some black eyeshadow, mascara, and red lipstick never hurt anyone! I looked up in the mirror and felt... good for once! Not because of all the pretty shit, although that never hurt, but because for the first time in a while I was taking control. I grabbed my converse shoes and threw them on quick, stole a granola bar from the pantry and ran out to the bus stop. I leaped in through the door way panting, the other kids from my stop must’ve thought I truly lost it, and maybe I have. I sat down and checked my purse. Card? Check! We were good to go. I threw on “Jessie’s Girl” and watched out the window at everything passing by.  

Big Horn High School, 7:25 am, February 14th, 2019

The bus was late, so there went dropping it in her computer bag early today. Guess I’d have second period, besides, she’s busy with club stuff in the mornings anyways. How does she even do it? “Ms. Vallen!” Mr. Hadison called after me. “I know, I’m late! Trust me, I got some good photos for class-” I started, turning around to see the one, the only special agent/Uber driver Chuck Garrison. “Ms. Vallen what a pleasure-” He stopped mid-sentence, “We’ve met before, haven’t we?” Shit, girl, we’re so dead! Does he know? For now, act like he doesn’t. “No... Nope, no way Jose!” I said, immediately blowing it. “Yep, I gave you a ride! I could tell the moment you opened your mouth.” He said and honestly I wouldn’t have been surprised if he was serious. “I know we talked earlier about somethings but Mr. Hadison here said you knew anything and everything about instant cameras.” He continued. “I do, why are you asking?” My voice was shaking again. He handed me a picture, “I was wondering if you could tell me anything about who took this photo or the camera used for it?” Ha, that’s it? Man, this would be easy. I took a look at it. It was one of mine, but I knew that if I tried to wiggle out or lie, I was as good as dead. “This looks like a Polaroid OneStep, much like the one I have” I held up my camera and gave it a wiggle. “The photographer, whoever they are, knew their tool like the back of their hand, the coloring is a little off but given the date at the bottom this tends to happen with pictures that are left unprotected for a while.” “Could they have also been called a camera expert like yourself?” Garrison asked, trying to trip me up. “Well, I guess with enough time and practice, anyone could be, don’t really see how a title effects an investigation-” I paused. “Hang on!” I held the picture up to a light and a smile ran across my face. It was the cabin but there was something off. “Someone added a window and a mountain! Whoever gave this to you is bullshiting you!” I handed it back to him, “Can I go to class now, officer? Or did you have any more questions?” He looked at the picture, then me, picture again, me again. He nodded and I headed off. “How did she know that?” Chuck asked. “Told you she’d know what you needed.” Mr. Hadison answered with a slight chuckle.

Lunch, 10:45 am, February 14th,2019.

I sat down at the table with Beth, Mickey, and Mara. They had started talking about whatever plans the couple ™ had and kept insisting Beth came along. I plopped a couple pictures down and started eating. The lack of space and pockets was honestly way more annoying than I remembered. I got a jaw drop from Mickey and a “Wowza!” from Beth, so I assumed it was the dress. “Ok pervs, get it all out now!” I joked, hoping they didn’t have any more comments. “Hey, so sorry but I forgot to get you something,” Mickey said. Three years and he’s never forgotten, hell last year I literally caught him buying a card for me in the middle of January! Who even does that? “What do you mean get her something?” Mara asked, and Beth started typing the answer away on her phone. The annoyed expression on Mara’s face changed to one of guilt. “Yeah, I was surprised too when I first saw him do it.” Beth said. I kept quiet for the rest of lunch, zoning out and eating my food, making sure my pics were good and occasionally showing one or two to the table. The one benefit to a magic camera is that you never run out of film! There were maybe two hundred photos there and I loved almost all of them. The bell rang and Beth shot off, as soon as she was out of ear shot was when I remembered I probably should’ve given her the card.

After school, 2:15 pm, February 14th, 2019.

Walking to Mickey’s truck I saw a bush... sit down. The red light from last night was starting to flash. Was this person really so stupid as to try something like this in broad daylight? I walked over, ready to kick this perv in the face for putting his cameras through such abuse as to violate someone’s privacy when I noticed something glowing... my camera. I stood still, who was seeing this? I started to feel weak, so I ran, sprinting towards Mickey. “It’s-” was about all I could force out before collapsing.

Big Horn Memorial County Hospital, 6:23 pm, February 14th,2019

When I came to, I had an IV in my arm and Beth sitting in a chair nearby. “What happened?” I asked, hoping what I remembered was a fever dream. Beth shot up and kneeled down next to my bed “Hey, you’re ok.” She said in her calming voice. “You passed out, doctors think it was dehydration but I told them that wasn’t possible, I literally watched you drink before you collapsed.” I chuckled softly, “Wow, Beth, you watch me drink? Are you sure it wasn’t you outside last night?” Her smile disappeared. “What?” she seemed scared, as was I. “There was...someone outside your place last night, they were recording me all night and-” Beth cut me off by handing the Children’s survival guide to me. “Someone... or something?” Sure as shit, the page in front of me is what little I remembered seeing. A pale, tall, humanoid creature. They don’t just have cameras, the cameras are their head, constantly watching and draining its victims of all life. Rumor has it that they’re people kidnapped by monsters with magical powers turned into a monster themselves and the only way to free them is if they’re recognized by someone. Their targets are usually someone they’re close to but can also be someone who’s just met them. “Oh yes, because I’ll remember M.C. Camera face!” I said, defeated. A hospital cart rolled by, completely unattended. Beth looked over at it, watching it roll past and looking for any signs of it. She gripped my hand, I guess to keep track of me. The door flung open and the thing came in, Beth stood in between us to block it. I kept Staring at it, trying to think of who could possibly be this camera! That’s when I noticed, it was an old camera. Not just any old camera, but the camera I had used to film my first ever dance with... “Beth, move!” She turned around, “Are you insane, it’s going to kill you!” I sigh and smile at it, “No Beth, they aren’t... please just trust me.” She sighed and moved aside. The stalker got close, leaning in maybe an inch from my face. “I thought of you today, Alex.” I said. The stalker started to emit steam, warping into itself, and yet it had this look. Even though it had no face, you could tell it was giving me a “Thank you” look. Beth and I sat there in watched, tears rolling down my face. As the last of it burned, Beth came over and wiped my tears, holding me close. I spent about an hour just crying with Beth there cradling me. It was nice, but eventually I stopped crying. “Hey,” she said reaching into her purse, “I may or may not have planned something out for tonight that didn’t work because you were in the hospital. But we do have an alternative!” she said, pulling a projector out of her bag. I was pleasantly surprised. “Wait, did you stop Mickey from-” I started. “No silly, just wanted to give you mine first” She said, turning off the lights and turning the projector on. It was her, holding some note cards. It was late and she was quietly reading them from her room but you could tell she cared. “Juniper, I’ve told a million lies to a thousand people but today I have to say the hardest words I have ever said before in my life.” A picture of us went up, in place of her as she laid down next to me. “If there was ever someone I would want to be trapped on an island with, it would be you. You are funny, clever, sweet, and more stunning than you ever give yourself credit for. I knew that the first time I ever asked you for a pencil, and every time after that. The adorable way you stammer over your words when you aren’t confident in yourself reminds me I might actually have a chance to say what I want to say in person. Juniper Susan Vallen...” The projector Beth disappeared as the video ended, replaced by me and the real Beth sitting in the darkness. I felt her face turn towards me, the room barely illuminated by the hallway light through the curtains and the monitors behind me. “I...” she paused. She felt like... well like me trying to talk to someone! “I love you” she barely managed to get out. Fireworks went off in my heart. This can’t be real! “Elizabeth Louenburg...” I paused too for dramatic effect. “I may or may not love you too.” She looked at me like I just told her to go fuck herself “May or may not?” I giggled, “Ok, Ok, yes, I love you too, dummy!” She sat in my lap and kissed me. It was amazing, I didn’t want it to end. But sadly, we were interrupted by someone knocking at the door. Beth sighed and got up, checking the door. “Ok, I’ll ask her if she wants to see you now.” she said to whoever it was, them responding back and her snapping “I don’t care if you’re God himself, if Juni doesn’t want to see you, she doesn’t want to see you!” She shut the door on them and whispered to me “Some guy named Chuck is here to see you.” I gave her a thumbs up and she opened the door. “She said you have five minutes.” Beth said, knowing damn well I didn’t but probably just wanted to spend some more time with her new girlfriend. Chuck sat down, his stereotypical suit and tie looking a little less professional the way it was coming apart. “When I heard our only real witness,” he said, gesturing towards me, “was in the hospital I HAD to rush down here. Juniper,” He said, looking at me like he was losing all hope in this weak case, “do you know of anyone who may have attempted to hurt you in anyway?” I shook my head. “Then how did you break your nose? And how did you pass out in the first place?” Beth started to seem annoyed so I tried to answer him quickly, “I have no idea how I collapsed, doctors noticed a lack of nutrients so that might’ve been it, as far as my nose goes I hit the ground pretty hard so that must’ve done the trick.” And with that his faith seemed restored. “If we happened to get any more pictures from the news or wherever, would you still be willing to identify them?” I nodded and he got up. “Thank you so much! We might just have a case against these traitors after all!” He shook my hand, then Beth’s. “It was nice to meet you, ma’am. I’ll let you girls get back to whatever you were doing.” He winked at me and left. It was odd but... reassuring oddly. Beth sighed and layed next to me, refusing to leave me all night.

[feedthefirewithin]

Diary

I'm going to start using this blog as a diary for awhile. I need to keep practicing on my typing and, theres no where else to type it. I love being a parent, a mommy. of course there are always hardships raising a child. well, I think the only one ive had so far with my child is trying to get the poor thing to let her poop out. Shes so afraid to poop bc she thinks it will hurt, but of course holding it only makes it worse, shes so young and doesn't understand, I mean we’ve tried everything we can. Her diet is super strict just so we can keep it soft, even if some has to sit in her poor little body. It will almost be a year in a month or so since shes starting holding it. Her first blow out left her a scar, so I know it was pretty bad, I will never forget that day. She was literally rolling on the floor just crying in pain, we filled a bulb of water and flushed her out. Even an actual suppository to make it extra soft but none of that made it soft, just came out in a huge ball. My mother had to put her knees to her chest just to push it out. I cried of course, my daughter was in so much pain. I myself deal with issues like that sometimes so I know how it feels. Apparently when I was my daughters age I used to do the same thing, really sucks I probably gave it to her but I do know a lot of toddlers go through poop withholding. I just wish she wasn't one of them. No mother wants their baby in pain. I continue to do the best I can for my child. she is the most important part of my being I cant imagine not having her. I recently bought her some “poop books” I read them to her on the potty, we just spent a whole hour on there reading, she peed for the first time on the toilet that way pretty exciting! I was trying to make her really excited about that but I knew she was extremely uncomfortable. she was holding her poop the whole time she sat there and her tummy is so full and hard from all the poop and all the food from dinner. I know one night isn't gonna change it but maybe doing every single night will make serious progress. god I really hope so. I don't want her to be so scared, I need her to like using it and becoming potty trained. that's only one part of my day that is, work was so long and so irritating today. My shifts are 9 hours long each and I stand on my feet, I don't take breaks so I can get every minute of my money and considering my position I don't have to take one. I'm a food preparer for Panera Bread. My General Manager Julie would not stop asking me to do things, and these things weren't even my job, I wasn't able to start my work until three hours into my shift. which is 5am to 2 pm. got there at 440 this morning and just couldn't believe how much time went by and how far she had me behind. it was reDICKulous. I love my job. I love being in the back and I love my coworkers but she wasn't always my GM. I had a GM named Stefon he was cool as fuck. A tight ass like her but shes 50 times worse I swear. I mean, shes just a straight bible thumping bitch. I understand company reasons but she likes to change things all bc its “her store” and it just picks at her when she sees it. the funniest part is here plans always fall through they just fail so hard, a few months ago we started doing PM preppers and of course I took some of those shift, I mean hey getting more sleep is always awesome. but 4 till close was a drag, id finish my work in 3 hours and either fuck around or have to help with a million different jobs. good thing was is Julie never really closed so I didn't have to see her. Now I open my four days in a row. Ugh. its cool though, I like my mornings. I miss my babies at home though. my daughter and my Babe.

ah, Babe. he is a wonderful man. Growing up into a young woman you think you know what a real man is and take so much shit from a guy all bc you think that's normal and okay, but my Babe? he is the kindest and most respectful man I have ever been with. After one year of being with him I am still as happy as the day I fell in love with him and I really hope that continues. I remember that day so clearly, it was our first date. it was a very sudden one, I had just gotten off of work and he asked me if I wanted to go to a museum and I'm like “hell yea ive never been to one”, right? lmao ive never gone to one sadly but anyways, well on the car ride there he puts on this band ive never heard and the music was just so perfect for the mood. Honestly for a black guy hes very very different from any I ever grew up around and became friends with, he was so white lol. like you know how white people cant dance and whatever, like that. but yeah he so goofy and I'm so goofy and in that moment I'm just staring at him feel the warmest feeling in my chest, my eyes got warm with it. I felt so happy and alive, I couldn't understand what I was feeling but I didn't care, it was fucking amazing. when he finally looked at me I gave him such a sincere smile, and he gave me one back, I knew he knew I was feeling him. Funny thing is, is that.. only reason we started in the first place was bc he was looking for some goods and I had that info, and well he came over and I helped and the night her left I texted him and just started holding a conversation, of course he found it weird af my little white ass, but he went with it, I threw him a dirty text and he responded, sent some pics and he says “girl I don't want that, ill just come get it” lmao like WHAAAAAAT, I have never had no one say that to me lol. it was shocking and surprising but exciting lol, well that night we ended up doing stuff and whoa is he hung, I just remember seeing it in the backlight from the tv and I'm like omg, breathe kasey, you bout to take the biggest dick of your life lmao. and holy damn did I, my poor little kitty. she okay though, she got used to it. But yeah, now we’re here, planning our life and about to conceive our first child together this year. I'm super excited, lol. I love babies so much, I have constant baby fever. but I'm a good mommy so, it doesn't matter. I thin this Is enough typing for tonight.